Liars, Incompatibility and Crimes: We're Talking Boundaries

Published Jul 31, 2024, 10:00 AM

In this episode, we are talking all about dealbreakers & boundaries in relationships. Iyanla and her callers talk about how to confront a dealbreaker and what to do when you are not feeling respected by your partner. From lying to sexual incompatibility and even illegal activity, Iyanla helps her callers navigate through it all. 

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I am Yamla, your host for this journey. I was a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is and what it is not. I want to share some of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to the R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome. This is our spot, the place we come to talk about all kinds of relationships, the challenges and issues that we find in relationships. The place we come to learn skills, tools and practices to up level, improve and deepen our connection in relationships. I am Yamla, your guide, your host, your support mechanism, sometimes your cargon wheel, sometimes a little cold water in your face. I will be whatever it is that is required to get you on base in your relationships. I want to talk about something today that I think many people overlook. They overlook creating it, they overlook the importance of it, and they overlook the process for enacting it. And that's a deal breaker. What is your deal breaker? Whenever I coach a couple or support a couple, who's about to get married. There are certain questions that I ask them. I asked them how are they to make financial decisions? I ask them when there is an upset or breakdown in the marriage, who are the two people that they can go to to get support inside guidance? And then I ask each partner what's your deal breaker? Sometimes they look at me as though I have horns growing out my head. What do you mean? I mean, what is your deal breaker? What is going to end this thing on the spot right then, right there if it unfolds, Because if you don't know that, if you don't know what your deal breaker is, if you don't have that boundary established, you can find yourself in a situation where your partner is just behaving badly and you are accommodating, tolerating, putting up with something that goes against the very grain of who you are. Deal It's a boundary, deal breaker, It's a line in the sand, and so very often we draw our line in the sand, and then when somebody crosses it, we back up and draw another line, and before you know it, we have backed ourselves right out of the room. Deal Breakers, This is the thing or the things that violate the very essence of who you are. A deal breaker is meant to remedy that, because there has to be a place where you say, not me, not today. I am not the one. I cannot tell you how many couples that I've spoken to over the years where one partner is simply, like I said, accommodating, tolerating, rationalizing, excusing an unacceptable bad way behavior and they stay that way for years, hoping that it will change, and it doesn't change. And what they do is complain and complain. They fuss, they holler, they complain, they complain. The behavior doesn't change because it's not a deal breaker. A deal breaker is very clear. A deal breaker is stated up front, both partners know what the deal breaker is, and if that deal is broken, the relationship is done. I don't care if you got nine kids, six turtles, two cats, and a dog do this. I'm out. I don't think many people create deal breakers in their relationships. Now, this is not something that your partner asks you that maybe you don't want to do or you don't like doing. Not talking about that, I'm talking about something that violates the very essence of who you are, something that creates disruption on your soul? Is it cheating? Is it lying? Is it calling you out of your name? Is it physical violence? Is it poor financial skills? What is your deal breaker? Well, that's what we're talking about today. I want to make sure that people have deal breakers and if they have them, that they're living up to them, and if they don't have them, that they have the conversation now to establish that boundary, that deal breaker. So I've got some callers today and we're going to see what they're saying. Let me take my first caller. Welcome, beloved, Welcome to the R Spot. Today we are talking about deal breakers, that thing that ends a relationship on the spot, if it is broken, Do you have a deal breaker? And if so, what is it?

Good evening, miss Yana. Yes, I do have a deal breaker?

Okay, you got one or more than one?

H Well, the major one that's going to cancel it right off the bat is anything that my partner is doing that is illegal that is going to get him placed in prison or or us sent to the slammer. Anything illegal that he's doing, that's an immediate deal breaker.

Okay. In illegal activity, we're talking about what drug sales?

Yes, Okay, yes, How did how.

Did you get to that? How did you get to illegal activity? I don't think I've heard that one him a long time. How did you get to that?

Well?

Because I am a woman of a particular age who in my younger years was drawn to bad boys, and I dated too bad boys. In particular, I have had at my near death experiences and near prison experiences. One in particular, a man that I dated who was a monster to others in the street, but a gentleman to me, and at that time my humorists found that to be very attractive. I hid the relationship from my family. My mother did not know what was going on with this gentleman. But he wound up. He and I we had our shaff of ups and downs, but he and I broke up probably two weeks prior to him and three of his friends going to Freehold, New Jersey to rob a jewelry store, and the story wound up on the news. He wound up on America's Most Wanted. Like I wish I was making this up. The story is literally a news article that you can google. It was everywhere all over the news. They went and robbed the jewelry store, tied up the store employees got away with thousands and thousands of dollars in jewelry. With on the run, there was a high speed chase. One of the gentlemen perished in the car crash where the police were chasing them. The other three got away for a while, two were caught. He was on the land for a while, but he eventually got caught. And I said, that was nothing but God that intervened in me breaking up with him prior to that happened. And because again my immaturity in humorist and not understanding that lifestyle, not being from it and finding it to be something that I was attracted to at that time, would have had me probably caught up. If he and I were still dating, I probably would have been so naive as to have him come to my apartment and hide from the police like it was just a mess. It was just it was a complete mess. And that, yeah, that whole incident is something that scared me so badly that I never you know, after that, it was only above board men in corporates, men who were about something and not of the street life, that I was more drawn to.

Let me ask you a question, did you know he was about that life. Did you know he was about that life? I did?

I did, and I wanted to believe that he would not go that far. I wanted to believe that.

Yeah.

So what did you tell yourself that allowed you to stay? What did you think he was doing?

I thought he was only selling drugs.

One drugs right, or poisons into the community, exactly right? Exactly how old were you?

Oh, gosh, I was probably two, probably twenty two, twenty three.

So what what is attractive about the bad boy? What is it?

It is the bravado. It is the confidence, the aggression, the take arch attitude. It is the protectionist aspect of it, especially coming from this is hard to say, a fatherless home, so to speak. I have father figures and father examples, but my own father was absent and not having that protection in a man, not having that someone who I could call if there was a problem, who I knew would handle things for me, who would again be a monster to others, but a gentleman to me. He never raised a hand to me, never a finger toward me, but I knew his aggressive side toward others, and for whatever reason I was drawn to that.

Did you have little rep in the community about being his lady.

I did.

Yeah, I just thought I would ask, so nobody messed with you, right exactly. Yeah, is a good one. So, now that you're away from bad boys, do you have any other deal breakers? Today? You've got a legal activity? What else is there anything else?

I would for sure say, just because I don't have a list, but I would say, a man who is not of God, a man who is not on his purpose, his God's purpose, you know, a man who is not healed, and who doesn't know himself. So all those things come under following God and a christ like man and a man who's on his purpose. Anything opposite of the opposite of that would not be for me. That would be a dope breaker.

Okay, well, thank you so much at you for reminding me of this one. This is one I haven't heard in a long long time. Illegal activity. Alrighty now, Now, if he's not and if he's not selling drugs or Robin Jewels restores, and he's on purpose, you'll give him a chance. All right, Good to know. Thank you for calling, beloved, Thank you alrighty bye bye. Yeah, I haven't heard that one in such a long time. Illegal activity. Now, I've also heard situations where the person was involved in illegal activity and the partner didn't know. I have a friend who had their kid in at two o'clock in the morning by the police and they got dragged through the house. It was quite a mess because the partner was involved in illegal activity. So this also speaks to the need to really know who the person is. You got to do your due diligence. You got to see where they live, you got to know where their mama live. You got to really get into some nitty gritty so they get called. Let's see my next callers say, and we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome to loved, Welcome to the R Spot. We've got a hot topic today. We're talking about deal breakers.

What is it?

What is your deal breaker that will end the relationship on the spot as soon as you know about it? Do you have one? And if so, what is it?

Well? I think that my deal breaker involves sex, and.

I'm okay, tell me more.

Well, I and first, I'm so thank you for taking my call. And it's just a blessing to be on the phone with you. You've just you just don't know what a light you've been in my life. Oh, thank you, so thank you for the work that you do. I'm in a relationship with someone for over a year now and he's about twenty years older than me, and our relationship works well, but in the bedroom things have gotten complicated here recently. We waited quite a few months before we decided to be intimate, and once we were, he was having trouble with staying erect and you know, and being sixty years old, there could be health issues and all that. So I was being as understanding as I could be about it. And it's not a deal breaker for me that part of it, because there's other intimacy that that's that works for me. We were, we were in the throes of passion, and he expressed to me some fantasies about getting a third person involved.

Okay, and.

And I was open to that if it was a male.

And hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Think you just a slide right by that one, right, But let me see if I got this. So your partner was is open to inviting a third person. He's having some difficulties. Yes, you all have other forms of into the scene. Yeah, he is open to having a third person. Do you want it male so that your needs would be met that accurate?

Yes, mm hmm.

And he wants it to be a.

Femle a man now, oh yeah, and.

Wait, I'm confused. He wants the third person to be a male.

Now we haven't sat down and had a conversation about what we have done. Is kind of have these fantasies where we're talking about it, you know, in the throwth of passion, and you know, we're saying things like what we'd like this person to do if they were there in the space with us. And you know, just last night he said some things that just alarmed me.

Okay, and.

In my mind's eye, I was trying to picture some of these things that he was saying.

And.

I didn't like it. It made me I started like feeling red flags all over the place. He feels like a good fit for me, but this part of it, I just don't know if I can get past it. And I don't want to say. I don't want to say. I don't want to say, you know, like that's perverted or anything of that sort, because I don't want him to feel like his feelings are unnatural, although for me they do seem unnatural in some ways.

So let me ask you just take take a breath, take a breath, and thank you for your honesty, your authenticity. So I just want to ask you a question. Okay, what are you acting like? You don't know? What are you acting like you don't know? As it relates to this situation with the partner, with your partner, what are you acting like you don't know? Take a breath.

That he may be open to a relationship with a man himself.

Oh oh, okay, take a breath.

So if he has, I just can't imagine that, well I can't after last night.

Why can't you imagine just.

The way he presents himself in the world who he is, you know, that's your judgment.

That's your judgment, the way he presents himself in the world. But if he can be with a woman and with a man, what does that say to you that he is potentially what.

Bisexual?

Oh? Okay, say it again, bisexual? Okay, take a breath, And what are your judgments about that? What are your thoughts about that?

My thoughts about that is that that's not that's not my idea of the marriage that I would want in the future. Okay, that's okay.

So saying that I'm on that team, I'm not on that committee. That's it. Love you mean it. I'm not on that committee. And I want you to be happy. And there are some people, women, men, whoever, that are okay with that. You're not. But are you okay with the fact that you're not okay with it?

I think that's the part that I'm struggling the most. Wins. Yeah, am I being judgmental? Am I judging? Am I being a judging person?

Well, the judgment, the judgment would be it's not natural, it's not right, it's not those the judgments. But a preference would be I ain't on that committee. I don't get down like that. Just I mean, it's at a deal break a few to be in relationship with a sex fluid or bicycle partner. Let me tell you a quick story, kind of funny. So maybe about ten years ago, maybe a little longer, thongs were a big thing for women, you know, I mean the everyday woman. I think years ago, maybe you know, dancers, strippers, maybe they wore thongs. I don't know, you had to wear a thong to the office. But all of my friends was buying thongs. I, oh, you gotta get a thong. A thong? Well, what is a thong? So I go to get a thong with the with the little string, and you know they, Oh they're so pretty victorious secrets. He had some lovely ones and the little ladies and the they girl, I put that thing off. That string got a hold of my booty. Let's suffering. Why would I do this?

Ever?

And so all my Oh it looks so nice in your clothes, y'all go right ahead. Okay, I am not wearing the thong. I'm not on that committee. Okay. I didn't make them wrong for wearing the thongs. I didn't talk bad about them because they were. It's just not for me. He may be a guy or maybe really good together. Either that or you're gonna live sex sicel life. If he's having difficulty being with you, If he's having difficulty being with you even at his age, do you want to live a sexice life or do you want to choose where you can have it at all? He don't have to be wrong for that, It doesn't have to be unnatural for that. That's your stuff. You can work on that. But I don't roll like that not my choice, and the fact that you were willing to do it with a woman, if that was tickling his fancy, would say, that's pretty open.

Mm hmm, that's true. Yes, Neil, you're right. It's just I don't want to. It's just so much put there with him, and and it just breaks my heart that this is going to be my deal breaker. And I almost feel a little guilty for opening the door to this because my knees weren't being there. So I'm presenting him with these other options. And have you asked the question happens?

Have you asked him the question straight up? You sexually fluid? On your block? Sexual? Why not? That would be something you would want to know. Just ask the question, no heat, no judgment, don't if you love him, if you care about it, don't you want him to be happy? Yes, yeah, you want him to be happy. And again, you don't have to judge it. You don't have to judge it. You don't have to feel that you know. And maybe you're disappointed because you thought this was a hunk of hunk of burning love and it's a hunk a hunk of fluid love, you know, But then that's Okay, don't make this about him. He has a right to be who he is, and who he is is not necessarily who and what you want at this time in your life. Again, no heat, no judgment that you can work on. Because people are sexually fluid today and I'm a prude, I confess, I don't want you dressing up like a French maid and I'm not doing it either. Well, no, I would do that. That I would do, but you know, I have a line and to say it. And if I find out a book about it before there's a commitment yet, that's a deal break. I'm not doing that, and it's okay, I shouldn't guilty. Yeah, No, what's making you guilty are the judgments about it. Oh my god, this is disgusting, this is bad, wrong, And so those judgments about it will make you feel guilty. And you know the thing is number one, ask the question straight up so you know what you're dealing with, and then be authentic and honest and say that's just not what I want for myself. I just don't want a partner who's fluid. I don't. But I want you to have what will make you happy, and don't do it. Until you're ready. Don't do it until you're ready.

I I need to talk to him.

Yeah, take your time, make sure you're ready to have the conversation. And you don't have to do anything about it today except honor yourself and let your preference be known and if it's a deal breaker, it is, and see if you can work with this. I'm not choosing a sexually fluid partner for myself at this time. I'm not choosing a sexually fluid partner for myself at this time. That is not my choice, that is not my design. And then it makes it about your choice, you own it, as opposed to making it about why he wants that and why he gotta be like that.

Okay, yes, yes, ma'am.

Work with it, get comfortable with it, and when you're ready, have the conversation. But I thank you for calling. I thank you for your courage. Thank you, and we'll be right back right after this. What is your deal breaker? So many people don't have one, and then when they're faced with certain situations, they accommodate them, tolerate them, they make excuses for them, they rationalize them. So we've looked at too already, we've looked at illegal activity. That's a deal breaker. Anything that you're doing that could get my front door kicked in, although they could kick your front door and you don't have to be doing anything, but that's a whole other show. In legal activity that puts both you and your partner in jeopardy, and sexual incompatibility. Let's just say that sexual incompatibility can be a deal breaker. I mean, there's lots of others. So let me see what my callers are saying. Welcome to the our spot. We are talking about deal breakers today. Do you have one, and if so, what is it?

Hi?

There?

My deal breaker is lying. I have a real hard problem with lying, mostly an intimate relationships. You know, a boss may lie, and a coworker may live. But when a friend lies, when a family member lies, when you know a person that you are intimately more intimately with, lies, I have a hard time because then it starts to erode my trust in them, and I seem to kind of sabotage the relationship. After that, I seem to not be able to be the same person. I feel like I have to always watch their behavior, watch their words. And I know that Miss Angelus said, you know when somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time, and yet it's hard to you know, I will be somebody who will cut somebody off right away. But then I am also an overthinker, and I think, did I cut them off too fast? Did they have a reason for lying, did they have a reason for not showing up? Or or is that just not something that I should even care about? You know, I should put myself first, and I should say, you know, I don't accept that. I don't accept when people don't show up. I don't accept when people don't tell the truth. So yeah, lying is really big for me. And it's hard to not overthink and kind of make them, you know, process and say, oh, you know you lie to me. Can you tell me why you lie? Because not everybody enjoys that. You know, with a woman, I've been told, you know, you're not my boyfriend, I don't have to tell you why I didn't show up, you know, Or with the man, they say, hey, man, you know, guys don't do that. Guys don't process you know why I didn't show up for you or why I told you this and I did that, you know. So it's hard for me.

Oh wow, dishonesty. I think that that's that's what it is, dishonesty because as you said, it e roades trust. That's one of my deal breakers. Dishonesty. I just ooh, it just makes my ears bleed. And for me, it's because I grew up and they lied to me. Nobody bothered to tell me that my mother was dead, and I grew up thinking my stepmother was my mother, only to discover she wasn't when I was thirty. So lying is a problem. Now here's what I want to ask you. How do you know they're lying? Do you wait until it's revealed or do you sense it? Do you feel? How do you know a person lying?

So it could be in different ways. Right, it could be, Hey, I've invited you out multiple times, every time you say yes, and then all of a sudden you don't show up. You know, something happens up or you know, Hey, you know whether it's dating. Right, Hey, you said that you like this haircut, but then you seem to not want to go out after I got that haircut, Right, So it's kind of watching their behavior, watching their words. And like I said, I tried to kind of process with people in Hey, you said you're going to show up for me, you didn't show up. This is like the third time. Now you know, is there a problem? And they say, you know, some of your business if it's if there's a problem, or now you know, my life's busy, blah blah blah, And then I say something like, okay, well, you know, I really think I show up for you. You know, I'd love if you showed up for me, And then it becomes yeah, yeah, I'll show up for you, and the behavior kind of continues, and that's in different ways. Right now, I have trouble either staying or leaving too quickly. And you know, I've read you and you said, you know, trust myself and trust God, right, And I feel like I do. I trust myself that I'll be able to handle it. But I also am wondering, am I cutting people off too early? Right? Am I not allowing them to be you know, children of God and we're all flawed and allow them to work through whatever, because maybe, like me and maybe like you, they've had people lie to them and now they don't show up when they say they will because they don't know if I'll be there, right, So it's hard to process really what it is.

But let me ask you this, because the bigger question for me is why is it a similar life? Why are you attracting people or in relationship with people? And it's a really simple question. Where, And you may not know, you may not know in this moment, you may just want to reflect on it. Where in your life do you lie to yourself?

Well, I think it's similar to season which I feel like my family lied to me about different things. I have a similar When I was eleven, you know, I was I'm biracial and most of my family is white that I you know, see a lot, and my grandmother told me and I was raised by a white man and my mom's half life and my grandma told me, that's not your father out of anger one day, right, And so at eleven I found out he wasn't my father, and you know, all this stuff and just different ways that they've lied, right, that they'll show up and they don't. And so I think it stems from that and allowing my family to lie to me continuously, I also allow other people to lie to me because if family is the most intimate relationship that I have, right, they're my blood. They've raised me all of that, and they're able to lie and I'm able to love them, Then how can I not love other people when they lie to me?

I think a higher concept, a higher concept. And this was what happened for me as opposed to lying, dishonesty, dishonesty because that was the root in my life. People were dishonest with me. They didn't tell me the truth number one, and then they built this whole story that was not true, that was dishonest. They built an environment that was dishonest. So I had to look at Okay, so where missy Amla, are you being dishonest? How are you dishonest? I'll tell you one classic case. Here's the place most people lie. I'll call you.

Back in a little while. I'll be there.

Two hours, right right, right right. So it's this, there's a distinction between telling a lie and dishonesty. And it sounds to me like you're dealing with a root cause of dishonesty that pulls people in and and you don't have to make it about them, make it about well, I don't choose to be in relationship with dishonest people. And like they said, it's not for you to process. Then Okay, it's not if someone gives you their word and they don't renegotiate the commitment, the agreement and they don't show up or they don't do what they say they're gonna do. Check. Okay, got that. And when they ask you something, so you know, my experience is that you're not honest about or you don't keep your agreements, you don't keep your commitments, and that means you don't honor me. And so I'm not going to be in relationship like that. As opposed to making it about them, you lied make it about you. I want to be in relationship with people who honor their word, who honored their commitments, who honor my trust, who honor my time. And if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that doesn't honor me. If you say you're going to be somewhere and you don't show up, that doesn't honor me. And I just don't choose to be in relationship with people. And family will do it all the time, but there are no sacred cows. When you establish the boundary that you want to be in relationship with people that honor you, because you know what the root of disarnesty is honor, honor yourself and really make it a preference of requirement. Make it about honor and honesty as opposed to just out and out lying. Because lying ninety nine percent of the time, people lie for two reasons. One because they were afraid. Two because they don't want to hurt you. That's why people lie. And then there's negligence, cleerlessness, irresponsibility that we won't get there. Number one, they are afraid. Number two, they think if they tell you the truth, it'll hurt you. You know. One of the things that I tell people, love me enough to tell me the truth and know that I can handle them. Love me enough to tell me the truth, don't lie to me, don't dishonor me.

And I feel like it's hard sometimes because I think similar to you, and I want to say that to people, and you know, maybe I have sometimes, but some people are like, whoa, WHOA, what are you talking about? Love you enough to tell you the truth, but listen, we're just friends. You know, I'm not. We're not gonna have to stage your love. You know, we're not even at the and and sometimes so then I'm trying to respect me enough to tell me the truth, right, respect me enough to tell me the truth I can tell me. I feel like people don't carry that with them. It's a conversation in the moment. They're like, okay, yeah, I'll do that, and then they forget about it, or maybe they don't care. It's I don't know where to go, you know, because people are going to disappoint me, you know, if people are going to be dishonest, and I guess it's kind of if they continue to well wait.

A minute, wait a minute, I like, I don't don't own that. I deserve to be respected. I deserve that and and that is my desire. But if you think people will disrespect you, if you think people will lie to you, they will. They will. Now, I'm a coach, so one of the things that I learned and my coaches training is let's say I have an appointment with a client at eight o'clock. I give everybody ten minutes grace. If you're not there at eight ten, I'm going to call you and I'm going to say, hello, are you okay? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. You know, we had an appointment at eight o'clock and it's now eight ten. And you have an honored our agreement. I just wanted to find out if you're okay, And now that I know you are, I'm good. And I'd hang up because I wouldn't sit nowhere waiting for nobody.

No two hours, and that's what I tend to do.

Give them no, no five to ten minute grace period, and if they're not there, you want to check and make sure they're okay. If they don't answer the phone, you say, listen, we had an appointment at eight o'clock, four o'clock whatever. You're not here, it's eight ten.

I'm leaving, said, because if not, then I'm not respecting myself.

There you go, you're not honoring yourself. You get one time to stand me up. That's the deal breaker, and you give them a great spirit five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. After that, you don't wait, you leave, or if someone says they're going to show up and they don't, don't ask them again. Don't expect them to do it with that's on you. So the shift has to take place in you. Yeah, you're right, because sometimes they may have all the good intentions, but you know the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But I want you, I invite you. I invite you to get clear about how you do that to yourself. How do you do that to yourself? How do you dishonor yourself out Look for all of the ways.

I'm going to go. I don't go to the gym. I say, I'm going to go to bed at nine every day. I don't go to bed at nine. I said, I'm going to stop eating the whole pint of ice cream. The whole pint of ice cream. Yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right.

Yeah, So okay, so you you clean that up, all right. And here's here's a little tip. Don't tell anybody I told you this. Okay, When when you make an agreement with yourself, I'm going to go to bed at nine, and you see it's eight fifty five and you are not ready to go to bed, renegotiate that agreement. Don't leave that agreement standing. Most people miss if you make an agreement and you can't honor the agreement renegotiated before the time is so, I'm not going to eat this whole pint of ice cream. When you get halfway through, you say, okay, I made an agreement with myself that I'm not going to eat this whole pint of ice cream. I'm halfway through and I'm still eating, so let me renegotiate it. I'm going to eat it.

Yeah, that's good.

I'm not gonna gobble it down. I'm not going to gobble it down. But I'm going to give myself permission to eat this whole pine of ice cream. This time. I'll just slow down how fast I eat it. You know, whatever it is, renegotiate that agreement. Renegotiate. And the other thing that you can do to stop breaking agreements with yourself is there's a consequence. So if you eat the whole pine of ice cream for the next day, you can't watch television, or you can't have you can't. There has to be a consequence. The reason people keep breaking their agreements with you and dishonoring you is because there's no consequence when there's a deal breaker. When you have a deal breaker, then must be a consequence when the deal is broken, Otherwise they'll just do it again and again and again.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I promise you, when you start cleaning up your agreements with yourself, you're gonna find that people shift or change except family. Family.

Yeah, okay, thank you so much. This is very helpful.

Thank you. Clean that stuff up, get to the gym, and leave that ice cream along by Yes, deal breakers, here's the important thing to remember, and I said it earlier. Once you draw your line in the sand and someone crosses the line, don't back up and draw another line. Once they cross the line, you must have a consequence. So your partner cheats, what's the consequence? Your partner, your your mother, They lie to you, what is the consequence? People call you out your name? What is the consequence. There is sexual incompatibility, what is the consequence? You find out someone near and dear to you is engaged in illegal activity. What is the consequence. Otherwise it's just today going up. It'll dissipate sooner or later. What's your deal breaker? Every relationship needs that. Every relationship, your mother, your children, your best friend, Every relationship needs that. People in the relationship need to know this is unacceptable. Now here's the secret. If it is an important relationship to you, whether it's your partner or your friend, you know, your kid, your sibling, and they do break deal, make sure that you let them know that. Make sure that you let them know that. Don't assume that they knew calling you out your name, or or not showing up or or you know, putting their feet up on the kitchen table. Make sure they knew that was a deal breaker, because sometimes we have deal breakers in ourselves that we don't communicate to the other person. Then they break the deal and our hair is on fire. Communicate. If you're out there and you're in a relationship now, or you're planning to get married or commit what is the deal breaker? Have the conversation, because if it's an important relationship to you and to the other person, they won't break that deal. They don't want to risk losing you. So let them know what the deal breaker is and let them know what the consequence is. If the deal gets broken and they knew what it was, then you have to enact the consequence. And that the part where it all falls apart. If you cheat on me, I'm leaving, they cheat and you ask why that is not going to turn out well for you. You put your hand on me, that's a deal break. You call me too many d's or c's or q's or whatever, that's a deal breaker. And if you break the deal. This will be the consequence. We gotta get there, and you don't have to make it a demand. You don't have to scream and holler about it, but you have to let the other person know. Remember, a deal breaker is a boundary, and boundaries are erected and established to keep you safe, and we deserve to be safe in all of our relationships. Here's another thing. If someone breaks the deal and you have to shift the relationship, meaning move away, move out, not speak for a while. You don't have to stop loving the person. You don't have to stop loving them, but you get to choose how you're going to participate in the way that they love. Keep that in mind and keep your relationships healthy. And if you haven't had that discussion with your partner, with your sister, with your adult children, with your best friend, with whoever, have the conversation. I need you to know. This is an important relationship to me, and I'd love for us to continue to grow this relationship. But I need to let you know what my dealreate is, and then you let them know. And when this deal is broken, it says to me either that you don't care or this relationship is an important to you, and I need to know, if I need you to know. If you break this deal, I'm out. I'm out. I hope you heard something that you can use today to make all of your relationships better, to make them help healthy, to help them grow, and to help you grow. I'll see you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace and not in pieces. Bye. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite show.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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