Iyanla shares a very personal story about her relationship with her daughter, which helps spark a conversation on releasing control of a situation in order to heal it. Iyanla’s first caller is a divorced father who desperately wants his daughter to rekindle a relationship with her mother, but he’s plagued by guilt over mishandling the situation. Then, a second caller is a fixer, always wanting to step in and solve everyone else’s problems, even if it means overstepping or putting herself second.
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I Ami Imlah I had a baby daddy relationship. I spend time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. When there's a breakdown in the relationship, it's hard on the people involved. But here's the truth, it is even harder on the people watching. It's harder because they don't know if they have to pick a side. They can see who's responsible for what, but they can't always say it. It's hard on the people watching the breakdown and they become collateral damage. But they have to have clear boundaries and they have to know where they can and cannot tread. They have to know that the relationship can be healed. But the only way it can be healed is if the people involved in the breakdown are willing. And when they're not willing, the people who are watching the breakdown just have to stop watching, turn your head in another direct, don't look if it's hard to look at, look somewhere else. And that doesn't mean that you don't act like it's not going on, but you just don't stick your opinion in it at all. You've got to know that no matter how bad it looks, a relationship can be healed, and you may not be the vehicle through which it is healed. Welcome to the arts about Beloved. Thank you for your patience. Now what is your challenge, issue, dilemma, problem that we can nibble on together today? Hi, Yes, ma'am. I'm a father of four. My oldest daughter is currently a strange from her a relationship with their mom. She's twenty four years old and early on me and her mom went through a separation, divorce and she was out of my life for approximately five years. Based on things that happened immediately following a divorce, it took me an additional five years just for us to get into a really good, comfortable space, and unfortunately the downside is that she no longer has a relationship with their mother. The major dilemma that I would like to address as a would love for her to be able to have both parents in her life at the same time. He's always stated to me, try to not get involved in trying to mend fences, and I try to follow that to the sea because that's what she said she wants. But part of me, especially how I was raised with both parents, it still is an unsettled feeling for myself. Yeah, first of all, I want you to take a breath. Thank you. I don't know if you're nervous or you're moving on what's going on, but take a breath. Nervous Yeah, no, don't be nervous. Don't be nervous. Think of me as your older sister for sure. I have no heat, no judgment. I just want to support you in being the best that you can be. What a blessing that your baby girl has her dad and her life. There's so many women who would give their two front teeth to have their dad in their life. So she's blessed, and I think she's That sounds like she's very important to you, So I want to port you and being there for her and being the best that you can be. So it sounds like your greatest challenge here is that your twenty four year old daughter, with whom you now have a relationship after being absent, is estranged from her mom. Yes, ma'am, you're wanting to know how you can support her and being in relationship with her mom? Is that it? That's correct? How does her being estranged from her mother show up in her life? How is it affecting her? How is it impacting her? Just recently she got married. My daughter did just as past December, and what I noticed during that time frame, we try to call each other at least one or two times per week. She would speak about her mother and had not done so in a while. And currently every time I'm on the phone with her, she brings up her mother one way or the other. My greatest fear. I don't want her to feel betrayed by me, but that's usually how it shows up currently. Yeah, Are you in relationship with the mother? No, we do not have a relationship. It was a very difficult divorce that took place, and we don't talk at all. The last time I saw her is our youngest son's graduation, and that's actually the last time I actually talked to her, so that was about three years ago. Are you in relationship with all of the children, Yes, currently, my youngest daughter, she was the last one that came on board. We started talking just this past December, and there was a three year break of us not talking. That just we started in December. Okay, let me see if I can put it to you this way. You're not looking at your daughter not being estranged from her mother. You're looking at two women and breakdown. You've got to hold it like that in your mind. This is two women. Definitely put your foot in that at all, because as a man, you can't even begin to understand the intricate details of a breakdown between two women. You cannot because most of the time we can't understand it. What you can do is be there for your daughter. Listen to your daughter, offer her words of wisdom. If she just got married. Did the mother go to the wedding? No? Oh, yeah, though your daughter's really hurting. She's in a lot of pain. Does she have children? No, no children. She said that may be part of the future, which is a change from what she originally said that that was never going to happen. Okay, yeah, but she she's gonna have to have her first baby without her mother, and that's gonna be a problem for her. And the thing that you can weigh in the door is I understand that you're upset and separated from your mom, but what are some of the things that she did that. You don't want to do because that's going to be a question. You know, she's probably trying so hard not to be like her mother. Do you know why they separated? What was the breakdown about. It's something that kind of brewed over time period. I can say that the very last strong is that my daughter is by racial. Her mother is Caucasian, I'm black, and certain traditions stayed around the house after I left, and they were talking politics. She was in her back in her third year in school, and there was a discussion about at the table, they were just talking about war and veteran stuff. And my daughter has a very straight hard line and that sam when it comes to it. She supports her dad. She loves her dad, the veteran, but she has a hardline about war and the military itself. And her mother looked at her and says, you're an angry black woman. Oh, held lady told her daughter, you're an angry black woman. Yeah. I think how it was termed is more of a question, which she's like, I don't know what happened to my daughter, but why are you such an angry black woman? And there was an ex company at the table. My ex wife's boyfriend was there at the table when she says that, and her siblings at the table, and I know that was played a larger role into the separation. I think that the mark with things changed. Wow, that gives this a whole new flavor. But I'm not going to move off my original point. Daddy, you can't put your foot in this at all, not at all. And now you really can't put your foot in it. You got a white woman and a black woman and upset. Oh my goodness, are the other children in relationship with their mom? My youngest son just recently broke away from his mom, and that was pretty surprising. I think that took place when it happened. But my son, I again, he's one of the out of the four, he's one of the two that don't have a current relationship with their mom. Wow, it sounds to me, and I don't know this to be true, because I'm sure she has her perspective, but it sounds to me like mom might need to do some work and that she might be the focus of attention. And again, all you can do is support her. I don't know how that feels to have your mother ask you such a question. I know, in this day and age, being bi racial is a lot easier than it was in my time, But still still to have that come out of your mother's mouth is I don't even know what that is. I don't know what the word for it is. But if you have children, are you going to let your mom see them? Do you know how important a grandmother is in a grandchild's life. Mothers love their children, grandmothers adore them. You just have to think about it. These are things that you can just broach with her when you talk to her about her mom. What does she say? There are certain discussions that pop up, like I have. I found a bunch of pictures from there, from her childhood, and I started sending messages. Of course, she wouldn't remember them, and she'd find herself next to someone in a a picture and she would say, Hey, dad, who is this? Is this my real mother? In her mind, it's I don't know why my own mother doesn't like me. For about two years, she wouldn't even bring up her mother in a discussion. But since the wedding, it's these things become more questioned, and I think she's just trying to figure out what happened regarding her relationship with her mom, and she says to you stay out of it, right. Yes, she's like that, I love you, but this. You can't help this. I don't want you to. If me and my mother are gonna resolve things, that has to be done by her choice, and she has to make that first step. The mother has to make the first step. Correct. Yeah, again, all you can do is off for words of wisdom. When the time comes and you have your first child, you know you're gonna want your mom there. So I hope you can resolve whatever this difficulty is before then, or when you have problems in your marriage. If you have questions or challenges, you want your mom to be a soft place for you to fall, right. I hope that you will think about those things. But I agree with her. Don't put your foot in that, particularly if you and her mother didn't part on good company, on good terms. Just be there for her daddy. So you when she has her first baby, you have to go, Okay, we'll do with your iPhone, with your iPhone and take the pictures. Yeah, definitely, this is a little subversive, but you can do this when you know things happen and send you send them to the mom. Can you do that? Just wanted to share this with you. I can. Did you share wedding pictures with her? I did not. That was one of those things she specifically said, don't do. Oh okay, yeah, honor that and just know if nothing else, this is not about your daughter being in breakdown with her mother. Take it off of that, because that's gonna pull a heart string for you. This is about two women in breakdown, and really there really is nothing that you can do, particularly because your daughter has said stay out of it. That. Well, I'm glad she's got you, daddy. I'm glad she's got you. One of the greatest joys of my life. So I am thankful. And I don't know if you're praying, man, but I would pray about it. I will. I will definitely ask the angels, the guardians, the ancestors, the guy to bring this to healing for the highest good of everybody involved. Okay, thank you. I don't have many broken relationships in my life, but one that is broken for me is my relationship with my youngest daughter. And as a mom, it is heartbreaking, gut wrenching to know that my baby girl is out there in the world and doesn't want me to be a part of her life. But as a woman, I have to respect her choice. I'm her mother, and the power don't run up, it runs down. So if she has made the choice that she'd rather be out in the world without her mom, if I'm not a soft place for her to fall, if she can't trust my voice and my intentions, then maybe it's just best that we not be in relationship. And just like my last guest, I'm sure it's really hard on the people watching, but all I can do is hold a space for her, because sometime the healing is in letting it go. And even though the people watching and the people all around you, they try to give you suggestions and recommendations to sell them, I'm willing to be totally, incompletely responsible, but I'm letting go now. My next caller is dealing with the same issue. But as long as you hold on, healing can happen. We'll talk to her when we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. We are continuing our conversation about letting go until the healing happens. Thank you for calling our spot. Now. What is your relationship challenge issue dilemma that I can support you in today, I've been watching my closest family members, the closest to me, fall apart, so to speak. Within the past three years, we lost one family member to suicide, one had a heart condition that took him pretty quickly, and some others that have exhibited mental illness. And I have what I call like Superman complex where I want to fix things, and I want to fix things I don't have control over, especially as it relates to my loved ones. And I've noticed that the connection that we've had as a family is fading because of these things, and it's had a profound effect on me, especially as a new mother. I just had a baby recently. So I'm looking to know how I can best navigate this because I'm watching the ones that I loved most thinking to depression, addiction, hopelessness, and I feel helpless myself. I do listen to your show, and I know you talk a lot about faith, but prayer it doesn't feel like it's always enough. And these are people I interact with every day. Oh my goodness, do you have a pencil and a piece of paper? I can get one, Okay, then I don't want you to have to do that. Because you've been holding so long. So I want you to hear this. I'm going to write it down for you. Okay, frightened control freak. Did you hear what I said, frightened control freak? Yes? Yeah, I didn't think I was going there, did you. Control freak is not good? Yeah, no, it's not. It's not good at all. And I think the most disturbing thing I heard you say was the prayer doesn't seem like it's enough. So that says to me, not only is there a little manic control freak running around someplace in the left quadrant of your brain, you also have a predetermined scenario of what you think this should look like. And if you're praying and it still looks the same, how do you know what that person's spiritual contract is and what they have to go through and what they have to experience in order to get to where they need to be. It may look like addiction, it may look like depression, it may look like hopelessness. But how do you know in the midst of your prayer that's it not exactly what it needs to look like right now to get to where they need to be? How do you know that I don't know that, but it's sometimes hard to think about the journey when I'm so hearing and i feel like I'm watching something dangerous happen. That's the other part, the frightened part. But you see, there are only two emotions that matter. The first one is love and the second one is fear. And when you are in fear, you cannot be in love because no two things can occupy the same space at the same time. So you're in fear because it doesn't look like you think it should look, and you don't feel or know what to do about it. That's creating for you, knew, Mama, it definitely is. So I want to share with you two things and maybe one of them will fit. Okay. I had a very dear friend. Actually, she was one of my students, and I love her dearly. And she was in the throes of a crippling depression, rippling almost to the point where she wouldn't comb her hair every day, but she kept getting up and she kept coming to class. Sometimes she would come the class and just weep. She would try to get the work done and couldn't get the work done. And I'm looking at this and I'm like, oh, my God, what do I do? Right? So I did what I know how to do best, which is pray, help her God, show me what to do. That's that was really my prayer. I didn't even say help her God, tell a jeuth. I'm telling the jrue, okay. I would say, show me what to do? What do I need to do? How can I help her? And to me, it looked like it was getting worse, to the point where if I didn't hear from her, like in three or four days, I'd send people a call and check on her and make sure she hadn't harmed herself. That's how bad it was. Yeah, until one day I was praying, and what came to me is you're praying the wrong prayer. You're asking your creator, your source, what you need to do to fix this, as opposed to turning it over and letting create a source God fix it. I said, oh, my goodness, So I change my prayer to I'm placing her in your hands. I know you love her. I don't like what this looks like. I don't like what it feels like. And I prayed that prayer and after I don't know, maybe a month or two. You know what, I heard. But I heard this, I'll meet her on the other side. I was like, whoa, I'll meet her on the other side. So that let me know two things. Number One, my prayer had been heard, and number two, she was going to get through this. And if it was too hard for me to look at, I stopped looking. I kept praying, but I stopped looking. I stopped looking, I stopped calling, I stopped worrying. I stopped making up all kinds of horrifying scenarios in my mind about her harming herself or ended up homeless on the street, eating cat food, all of the stuff that I was tormenting myself with. I stopped it. I've been there because I had that word, yeah, yeah, I'll meet her on the other side. That also told me that something greater than me was in it with her. Does that make sense to you? It does? It does. It takes a found amount of letting go to get there. Absolutely. And the other thing that I had to really embrace, particularly you said you're a new mama. I'm an old mama. When my young ends, when my pups, when my babies, we're going through a difficult tone and I was twisting myself in a Pretzel trying to keep them from hitting rock bottom, because to me, rock bottom. They were looking at rock bottom, okay, And as mama, I want to fix it, change it, throw money at it, throw people at it, everything to fix it and change it. Until I was reading something one day and I came across this line and it said, it's very hard to watch your loved ones hit rock bottom until you remember that God made the rock. Wow. And what I took from that was maybe they've got to get down there to find their strength, their faith, their trust, their relationship with God. That's when they are going to have to pray for themselves. See, we don't know what anybody's spiritual contract is. We don't know what they came here to learn or do or accomplish. And as long as we're afraid, it's saying two things that we don't believe. First of all, that God can save them, and second of all, that they have the wherewithal to save themselves. Since we've had a suicide, I think that kind of took away my ability in a way to see that someone could save themselves. But I sometimes just imagine the worst case scenario if someone goes through enough suffering they'll take themselves away. People don't commit suicide because they want to die. People commit suicide because they don't know how to live. They don't know how to end the pain. They don't really want to die, they just haven't prayed the prayer or found the way, or found the fortitude whatever it is required to move through the pain. So to end the pain, they end their lives. But there's always a way to end the pain. And one person committing suicide, as challenging and difficult as it is, that may have been their contract, that has nothing to do with anybody else. But you got to give up this control piece. I don't know which is worse, the control or the fear. For the horrible combination too. It's like drinking poison expecting somebody else to die. Oh my goodness, I know we'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. This is gonna sound horrible, but it's the only way I know you're gonna get out of this is to see the worst and work yourself through it. See the worst and work yourself through it. What that means is, let's say I heard you say something about drug abuse. So let's say that person is strung out or out on the streets and you know, gets beat up or gets arrested or God forbid overdoses. How would you feel? How would you feel? Work yourself through that so that you can clear that out, because you're not going to be able to see anything higher as long as you're fighting against acknowledging the lower. And if you love these people, love them enough to see them higher even though your eyes are looking at rock bottom. Remember who made the rock, love them enough to see them higher. I know you can do this. I know You've got the strengthen there, and I'm calling it forward in you right now. You're better than this, You're more than this, and you may have to pray that prayer for a long time, but God will meet them on the other side. I never thought about it that way. That's because you've let your control freak run them up. I just want it to be right. It is right, because that's what it is. That's what it is right now, and it is right. Can they get better? Yes? Right? These people people weren't always like this. Is that accurate? That's true? Yes? Yeah? So where is that that kept it at Bay for so long. Yeah, I just love them so much. I just I know I never imagine that my own failing, my closest family members, with so many of them would be in the state. Will love them enough to know that this is what they have to go through at this time. Stop thinking that you know where they should be, because you don't. This is where they are and it's hard. I'm hearing me. It's hard. And don't try to talk them out of it, shame them in it. You know, it's a simple statement. I see so much better for you, and I'm praying that you get there. Simple if you don't mind me asking how many times a day do you pray? I pray all day. I'm praying right now. I'm prayer for you. I don't have to stop and kneel down and go in the corner. And I don't have to do that because I know that every thought I think is a prayer. Every word I speak as a prayer. That's why I say to you, go to the worst, work yourself through it and get higher. Because you're thinking or hold trying not to think about the worst possible outcome, that's a prayer. That's a prayer. Every thought is a prayer, and this is horrible. That's a prayer. You're sending that energy out. Oh my god, they shouldn't be like this. That's a prayer. And so is This is getting better. May not look better right now, but this is shifting, this is turning around. And I'm so grateful. And it may be hard based on what you're looking at, but you want to send that prayer out there too, right. I'm praying for you in your new band, baby, Thank you so much that you can take some of this energy that you're dispensing over things you can control and turn it on your baby. And I'm praying that you elevate that fear into love, real true love, and know that the same creator that holds you near holds them near. We don't know the good that's on the other side of this, We just don't. And it's hard to look at. Right. My brother was cross addicted to drugs and alcohol, and after a while I just stopped looking. I couldn't look no more. I stopped looking. Wow, thinking every day he's gonna get better, He's gonna get better. I stopped. And how long did it take you to get there? Or it's just a natural thing. You just got there. No, he was my older brother, addicted to drugs and alcohol from the I mean, was sixteen years old. And I didn't stop looking until we were like in our forties. Wow, but I just couldn't look no more. I couldn't look. I told him, don't call me, don't call me. If this is how you want to be, don't call me. And that was really hard, and he didn't call for five years. It's a long time, I y'all. It's a long time, seeing as it stands at being nervous rect an entire five Ye, that's the control freak in you that to put her to rest, because really, what can you do? What can you do? My brother never came to me and said will you help me with my addiction? Never he'd come to me and say can I have some money? He never said I want to stop using can you help me? Well, they really do. And then I guess in separating myself from it, I used to think separating myself from it, which just as bad as being around everyone and wishing I could help. And I feel like what you've given me, it is a medium, is a place that maybe I can be in Because it was pulling me both sides. Yeah, and I would say again, in your prayers and in your affirmations or in your positive mind state, whatever you want to call it, turn it over. Acknowledge your frailty. I know there's nothing I can do about this. I'm turning it over to something greater than me, greater than that. Right, Okay, it's gonna be okay. Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay. And don't awfulize, don't expect the worst, because it sounds like you're doing that too. You're traumatizing yourself. Yeah, I do. You have a frightened control freak running a Mork in your mind. Give her her name and give her something else to do. I know what you can give her to do. You want to give her something else to do. Send her to the House of Representatives in Washington. Tell her to teach them how to vote for the good of the people. Okay. Let her work on that. Okay, right down to Washington, d C. And let her wrangle up them politicians down there. Let her work on that. So anytime you start thinking about how horrible this is and your family walk, get on the bus, go to DC, go down to the House of representative. Go into the Senate. Go someone, go over there and work with them. People. Leave me alone. Okay, let her wrangle that up. Yeah, send her, give her a name. Tell her, Betty, I need you to go down to DC. They need you in the Senate right now. They're trying to do They trying to make some bills go down. They work on them. Leave me alone, okay, okay. Strengthen your prayers, beloved, Strengthen your prayers, and get out of the middle of it, all right, Okay, thank you so so much, Thank you for your patience. Of course, bye bye. Loving people and wanting the best for them is a very different thing than trying to control what they do. And sometimes when we love people and we want the best for them, we also think that we know how to bring their best about and that's not always true. And when we don't make the distinction between loving people and controlling people, between wanting the best for some people those people that we love, and trying to make it look the way we think it should look. When we don't make that distinction, we create unnecessary stress for ourselves, and that stress will impact the relationship. Loving somebody and controlling somebody two completely different things at If you love somebody, you want to see the best for them, hold the best for them, know the best for them, without trying to make it happen the way you think it's supposed to happen. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.