Laying On The Nail

Published Sep 6, 2023, 10:00 AM

Callers this week are feeling unfulfilled in their romantic relationships, but can’t get up the courage to make a change despite clear issues. Iyanla shares a story of a hound dog that has a deeper message that may help these callers make a decision with their husbands. 

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This is a rebroadcast of Episode 5. 

Iami Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. There's a story that I heard when I was in seminary about a country minister who used to go every Sunday after church to one of his parishioner's homes to have dinner because he was unmarried. And there was this one couple. The wife was a dynamite cook, so he liked to go there very often. He'd go to their home and he'd walk up on this port and they had a huge hound dog, one of the brown hound dogs with the hanging face and the long floppy ears, and how dog would be laying on the porch whining. He he'd walk past the dog and look at him. He'd look at it. He'd go on and eat his dinner. He'd come out, the dog was laying there whining. Next week he went back, same thing, walk up on the porch. The dog is in the same spot whining. He'd dinner come out. Dog is in the same spot. So by the fourth or fifth week, he turned to the farmer and his wife and he said, every time I come here, your dog is whining. Is there something wrong with him? And the farmer looked at him and said, oh yeah, he's laying on a nail. He said, laying on a nail. Well, why doesn't he move? And the farmer said, because it doesn't hurt bad enough. We will stay in situations whining and complaining and making everybody and everything wrong, laying on the same nail, but we will not move until it hurts bad enough. My next guess is a prime exam of what it looks like to lay on in hell. Hi Daphney, thank you so much for holding on and welcome to the R spot. How can I support you today?

I am getting married twenty two years this year, and it's just kind of getting fading now. I met this man when I was seventeen, he was nineteen. Now I'm forty seven, four children, and it seems like everybody else is upfront and I'm pushed back. I don't have any affection anymore. I'm getting better. I'm sorry, but you're not showing me. You're sorry, So I'm just kind of fading fading away. I'm trying to hold on. I am trying, but the more I try, it seems like we're just gonna be apart.

You said, I'm holding on. What are you holding on to?

I guess the relationship or maybe I'm saying it wrong. I love them, but it's like we're roommates now instead of being husband and wife.

So what do you do together?

We used to do date nights, a lot of activities together. Now it's just like we don't really do anything together, spend quality time together like we used to. And it's just making it father and father apart. And now that my children are older, they're seeing things. You know, I would growing up try to make everything happy in the household, and everything went well, But now that they're getting older and seeing it, be like, man, everything you try to do is an argument. Why my daddy want to argue with you? I don't know. And if sometimes I just get frustrated with I just leave. I shouldn't leave the home, but I do.

Why do you stay if you want a husband and you have a roommate, and you have someone who's not making the efforts to rekindle the love ship. Why do you stay?

I don't know. I guess the only thing that's probably keeping me now is I have a seventeen year old and I'm just trying to get him through high school. I guess I'm just to that point now. I'm just like whatever, So.

I'm gonna ask you again. You feel unhappy, you feel diminished, you feel denied, you feel ignored. Why do you stay?

That's a good question. I just don't know.

Yeah, if you did know, because see I come from the old school where this it's impossible for you not to know what's going on inside of you. Maybe you haven't asked, but you do know that. Let me rephrase the question, maybe this will be more helpful. Why would a woman who's been married to someone for twenty two years who, for the last how many years have you been denied, dismissed, ignored? Push to deside how many years?

I'm gonna say the last six seven years?

Yeah, okay, So why would a woman who's been married for twenty two years stay in a marriage where for the last six or seven years she's been ignored, denied, dismissed, diminished, hasn't been fulfilled or happy or satisfied or pleased. Why would she stay? A woman? Not you, a woman, any woman?

Oh my god, that's a hard one. Why would you say that is complete?

Why would she? Let's just explore it. Let's just throw everything on the wall and see what sticks. She would stay because family, okay, for family, just trying to.

Fill in the gaps where it once was a great marriage but now it is just completed away. I don't know. I'm kind of lost.

We're not talking about you. We're talking about a woman. Okay, we're not talking about you. Get out of this woman's marriage. We're talking about a woman. Why would she stay?

I'm just, I guess, trying to make it work and it's just not working. Be wanted to work again, it's not working. I mean, you know how you say you're doing something and then your actions show difference. So maybe she's trying to make it work.

Maybe she's afraid.

To leave, that's true, thanks to be it.

Maybe she's staying because the marriage is a habit, that's true. Maybe she's staying because it's familiar.

That's true, because you can't get comfortable in it. You can get comfortable like Okay.

Maybe she's staying because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her own happiness. Maybe maybe not could be who knows. Maybe she's staying because it's more comfortable to complain about it and be confused about it than it is to grow the courage to do something about it. Maybe maybe not could be, who knows?

That's true?

Oh well, so you do have some ideas, that's true. Imagine that?

Uh huh, because I'm like, oh my goodness.

Is it still a marriage?

Yeah?

Why what makes it a marriage?

I guess all the foundation that we built since we started out nothing, and we have accomplished a lot of stuff together.

As a minister, I don't know any place in the marriage where it says, you know what, y'all bill together you will have I know, better or worse, rich, your poorer, sickness and in health?

True?

Okay, till death do you part? Death of what? Death of communication? Do you communicate with him?

It's some communication? Lacking?

Okay, lacking all? Right? Death of affection? Are you all affectionate towards one another?

No?

Death of intimacy? I mean, are you all still knocking boots?

Nope?

Oh, no communication, no affection, no intimacy. Do you all share finance, answer responsibility.

Yes, well I say yes and no. He was laid off due to COVID. So he's been off like a year going on two years and nothing, nothing, And you don't see any.

You don't see any what say? I don't see any what.

I don't see no growth after the COVID thing. I don't see anything you're trying to do to make the situation better.

Well, let me just offer just another consideration here for that, Because you know, men are doers. Men like to do. That's how they get their value, that's how they get their meaning. So when a man loses his job, he really loses his focus, he loses his purpose, he loses his value, he loses his meaning, and sometimes it's hard for them to you know, crank that up again. Just a consideration, not an excuse, just the consideration. So there's no communication, there's no affection, there's no intimacy, shared finances. Could you please tell me what makes us still a marriage?

Hmm, that's a good question, I say, good.

What do you have a good answer.

I don't. I'm just lost, just falling my way up through, you know, just trying to maintain and it's just getting to be overwhelming. That it's like team effort, but it's only one fighting on the team. It's hard to pull us together if we're not all if we're not together as a team. I just don't feel that.

What do you want?

I want it to be better. I want it that like it was, but improved better. It's to the point now I just I don't want to deal with it, you know. So I was trying to see what other solution could help me with this. Maybe something I'm missing because I know I'm trying to I'm trying to hold the torch.

Being second makes you feel what angry?

I'm overwhelming, I'm frustrated. It cause the argument, any little thing, he's something snapping his head off. They feel sad that you would choose, you know, like that now myself, I don't do that with him. I try to make everything just as pleasant to have. The house moves going, and I'm the sportsholder now and you just kind of laid back, like, Okay, I'm gonna go with the flow with this instead of saying I will help you to make this better.

And what is the consequence of him not doing better? What has the consequence been beside your fussing and arguing. What's the consequence.

Let's fussing and argument, So.

Why should he change? He knows how to deal with your fussing and arguing. He knows that'll go on for a day or two. He ain't giving you no nookie, so you can't take that from him. He's not showing you no affection, so you can't take that from him. Y'all are arguing, so they're lacking communication, So why should he change?

That's true, he's got I say, comfortable, accustomed to what's going on.

It's a happit, that's what happens. So tell me what it is that you don't want to do.

I don't want to feel like I'm bogged down with everything, with the most of the responsibility.

What else? You don't want to feel like you're being used? You don't want to feel like you're being bogged down. None of those are feelings. But okay, go ahead. What else don't you want to do?

I feel disrespected with that.

I don't want to be disrespected.

Yeah, how about it?

I don't want to leave? Is that true? Is that accurate?

Yes? I don't want to leave, But then again, I get frustrated out say yeah, I'm gonna leave. You know, I go away a couple of days. I should not have to leave security at my home to go somewhere else in the hotel.

Really, that's the choice you may. Yeah, So if you are complaining about staying, I call that laying on the nail. You laying on a nail and the nail hurts, but you are not willing to move. So you have a choice. You're either going to learn how to operate in it as it is and just let it continue to go on and see what's happening, or you're going to get up off the nail, beloved, and we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the RSPOD. I can't tell you what to do, but I will tell you this. You'd either get up off the nail, or you would insist you'd put some fire under his behind and there would be some consequences to his lack of participation in what's left of this union, because I don't call it a marriage anymore. It's a union of two people. So I want you to hear this very clearly. Either you're going to stay and figure out how to bring yourself to peace, to joy, the happiness, to whatever it is that you want with this thing exactly as it is, because you don't want to leave, or you're going to stop complaining and do something about it, which might mean leave, or it might mean ask him the league, or it might mean I don't know, you have to come up with that. But just to keep complaining about it, it's not helpful and it's not going to turn out well for you.

That's true.

I want to recommend a resource for you. It's a book by a woman named Stormy Armonton, and it's based in traditional Christian or church philosophy, but there's a lot of real good information in the book. Most of all, there are a lot of powerful prayers in the book, and it's called The Power of a Praying Wife. And there's a story in that book about a woman in your exact situation. And that's why I'm recommending that book, The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormy s t O r m I e ormititon O r m I t A N. And I don't know where you are in your faith walk or whatever. Don't get caught up in the scriptures and the Bible stuff. Read the stories and look at the practices that she gives you because she teaches you or she shares in that book how a complaining wife can pray to improve her husband and her marriage. Okay, work with that, and I want to offer you this possibility. See how you can do this. Instead of complaining about what he's not doing and what you don't have, start blessing what you do have. Thank you God that my husband is healthy. Thank you for my home. You know, I bless my husband's mind. That bless his feet. I mean, you know, I bless his soul that he can get the courage and the motivation he needs to go back out there. Start blessing him and stop com plaining. That's one way you can get up off the nail. Don't tell anybody else how frustrated overwhelmed you are. Tell it to Jesus. As my grandmother would say. I agree, Jesus, I'm feeling I'm feeling frustrated in this moment, and I really want to blast my husband and bite his head off. Please help me. That's what my grandmother would say. Tell your troubles to Jesus. And anytime you comes to your mind to tell somebody, bless something but you get that book The Power of a Praying Wife, because it's real clear to me, you ain't going nowhere no time soon.

I'm definitely will get that. Oh I love love, love yourselves. I love the affirmations, all of this stuff. I was just, you know, punning across and I said, I need some help with this thing, because I was about to go to counsel and need that too, probably.

But well, read that book, work with those practices, and let's see where you end up in about sixty days.

Okay, yes, thank you so much.

Thank you, my beloved. Good luck to you.

All right, thank you.

Very often in a relationship, what a woman will do is take the whole burden of the failure on herself, when in fact, in every relationship, each party is one hundred percent responsible for what goes on. So the same way she's willing to take on the responsibility for this failure, he has to be willing to take it on. So what happens when you go into a relationship expecting one thing, only to get in it and find that you're getting something totally different? And what do you do when your partner makes you responsible for the thing that is missing? That's what we're going to talk about. My next guest has a classic example of what happens when you expect one thing and get something totally different. Good afternoon, beloved, Well to the R spot. Hi, So how are we supporting you today? What is the challenge issue dilemma that you are bringing to the table.

From the challenge issue is the lemma is that I got married September first, twenty twenty one. We had no sex or anything before marriage.

We did like a really really sweet courtship.

And the night of our wedding is when I found out that he was not attracted to my body. That was really interesting for me. He didn't say out of his mouth, but I thought in the space. And about two weeks later, because we weren't having like any sex or anything, you know, new we was you should be doing that and we were not, And I was like, you know, this is like I'm feeling very deprived and very lonely and very like checked and pushing aside. And long story short, now we're in April. We had like marriage counseling and stuff like that, and can you in February and pretty much nothing has changed. It probably has sex one time within the last month, and because he's not necessarily attracted to my body, I don't get compliments. I don't get hugged the way somebody who's attracted to you would give you a hug. It's kind of like a hug because you're in the house, not really a hug because I love you, love you like I don't get like we passionate kisses. It's like a kiss in the morning to kiss that night. It's like it's almost like we've been married for like sixty years and not like six months. So it's whack. And typically I can manage pretty good. Like I said, not much has changed, but like my perspective of how and how I've been trying to handle it. But today was just like, Yo, this is not normal. I can't live like this forever.

So let me ask you a question, beloved, how long did you date before you got married.

Our courtship was about nine months?

Nine months. What was the conversation that you had about intimacy children? Did you have that conversation?

Yes, ma'am. I actually specifically asked him what his type was like, what he physically liked, and he gave me the regular guy answer. I don't have no type I'm like, no, no, you have a type. You know what you don't like, and you know what you do like. I know what I don't like, and I know what I feel like. You have to tell me what your type is. And it was just I don't have a type. I just like what I like, and da da da, And then I found out that I wasn't his type. Like see, but I asked this question before he got married, so I would go into a marriage with you finding out that I'm not your cup of tea.

Wait a minute, I want to go back for a moment. You married a man that you dated for nine months. Right within that nine month courtship period, did you and him have a con sation about we're going to not going to have sex until we're married, we're going to have children. Did you have those kinds of conversations.

Yes, that was the whole, like the point of like the courtship because he came from a relationship where it was fornication. I came from a relationship where it was fornication. So we decided, Okay, we're going to do it different, and we're both those like we got to, you know, tighten up. So it was like Okay, let's do it. Do it different?

Okay, so you you're both musslem Okay, that that makes sense to me. Then okay, did you have conversations about children?

Mm?

Hm And did you decide that you wanted children?

Yes?

Do you have any?

No, ma'am, he does any either, and.

He doesn't either. Okay, So you married a man you dated for nine months. You both made a conscious choice and decision not to have intimate relationships until after marriage. However, after marriage, you both decided that you want to have children. So what do we do now? We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to be our spot. Are you prepared to live a sexless life?

Oh? No?

Okay, all right, because it seems like and see, this is common. This is a common mistake or a common issue that rises in relationships where we don't ask the appropriate questions, where we don't make appropriate agreement. You know. And my mother taught me something. It's kind of crass and nasty, but I'm gonna say it. Okay, Yes, my mother taught me that a hard penis has no conscience. It will jump into any hole presented. It don't have no oddes, It don't have no preference. It doesn't. So I'm wondering if the issue here is your boody or if your body is an excuse for an underlying issue.

I wouldn't be opposed to that. I just know what he said, Like we had a real big kind of like not a blow up and like a loud blow up. But I was like, this is back in junior. I like, you gotta tell me, like what it is, because for the first couple of months he was just very rejecting, like I try to kiss him and he's kind of like moving out the way, or I want to have sense if he wants to go to sleet and it's like, yo, like we just got married. You know what just means like what the heck is going on?

Okay, so let me ask you stop right there, stop right there, take a breath from me, what is going on? Because you know what's going on? I know, you know.

I just really don't think he's attracted to my body, Like genuinely, I don't think that he attracted to my thoughts.

That is not a Muslim philosophy because women are shrouded and covered because the body and according to Islamic tradition, Islam make faith. The body is not to be the thing that attracts a man to a woman to eyes, but.

They still have eyes. And then once you naked, then they see you. I have fibroids, so it does kind of you know, it makes my stomach a little bit bigger. And the conversation was kind of around like, once I get the fiber becuse I have to get them removed anyway that once I get them removed to be attracted. However, my worry is that it has nothing to do with the fibroids, and it's really just you don't like my body. And then I'm gonna give the fibers move and I'm gonna still be miserable. And it was the way he quite literally said, I like your.

Faith, beloved, what are you acting like? You don't know? I don't know absolutely.

Well, I swear because I went into the whole you cheating on me thing like I did all the reefs. I really really we had those like really really deep questions and it was like he quite little he said, I'm not I'm a tractor through your faith, but as far as your body, know, how.

About is he has a capacity issue or maybe he just don't like women, how about that? How about he might have ed and as a Muslim man don't know how to talk about that. The question for me is not what he's saying. The question for me is what you're saying. And so very often in relationships, as women, we take the entire burden of the relationship not working. We place it on our shoulders. So you have fibroids and there are women that weigh three four hundred pounds that got a man, right, beloved, this is not about your body. I could be wrong. I'm willing to be wrong, but whatever it's about. You have partnered yourself to a man that does not want to be involved in one of the basic tenets of intimate relationship, which is intimacy.

Right.

Are you willing to stay in a sexuals marriage?

Yeah?

Okay, So what's the next step?

Oh, I don't necessarily want to get separated. We did have the conversation about separation and I told him, like, I will, like I can't stay in a sexist marriage on an unpassionate marriage and measures that area doesn't have reciprocity, So like, I'm willing to leave. He's like, Oh, we're going to do better. I'm going to do better? Da da da dah Like okay, Well.

Why is all of the decision making on him? What about you? This is your life, your body here, you are a vibrant young woman. What are you twenty six? Yes, questioning whether or not you are attracted to a man that made a commitment to be in relationship with you. Why are you giving him all the power? What would it take for you to make another choice? Oops? I chose him, it didn't work. Are you willing to stay? And if you're not, what prevents you from leaving?

What prevents me from leave? You?

And the fibroids? What prevents y'all from here? Take your fibroids elsewhere?

I think what prevents me from reading is in every other area. He's a really good person and I really really like him. The only thing that has been just this, like brain cloud since literally the night we got married, has been the sex of it all.

How insulting, how degrading, how disrespectful, how dishonorable. So you're gonna bend yourself into a pretzel to accommodate that, and hear me, I would never advocate the dissolution of a marriage. What I will always advocate is self preservation. Now, if he were on the phone with me, I would ask him the same thing. If he was selling me the story that he's not attracted to your body and he has married you, I would ask him, is it fair for you to ask her to stay in a sexless marriage because of your limitations? I would ask him that question. So the question here is, if you're not willing to stay in a sexless marriage, then why do you continue to give yourself excuses and reasons and rationales for staying. Why are you so willing to deny yourself nineteen months? You can make that up as one lap around the track. Very often in relationships, as women, we have a difficult time with two things. One, we want to be chosen. Yeah, so when the man chooses us, it gives us, you know, the red badge of courage. And then two we have a difficult time admitting, oops, made a mistake. This is a mistake, and I get to choose again, so I can talk to you until my lips fall off. But there's some clear choices that you're going to have to make here. Number one, choose. Let me put it this way, vote for you, and a vote for you would be a man who accepts you exactly as you are, not that you got to get something lifted or tucked or removed or taken out. A man who loves you and accepts you exactly as you are, A man who is willing to be intimate with you, A man who's willing to play his role in a partnership. So let me ask you this, What does the Quran say about a man who rejects his wife? What does the Quran say about that?

It's so many words. It talks about how by basically a man can you know he could do all the things go into the hair after to try to go into their after. But any man that doesn't treat his wife and his children well will not make it. So that's the same point of a man who does not, who rejects his wife or doesn't treat her well.

Alrighty, so are you gonna ride that train with him to the not after life?

No?

And if you choose that this is the man that gives you everything else other than intimacy, other than sex, and you choose as a twenty six year old woman, that you're willing to spend your life in that and wait until he either changes or live a sexless life. Then that's okay, but make that choice for you, not because he says he doesn't. He's not attracted to your body. And if you choose not to, okay, oops, he chose me, but I chose the wrong one. I'm out. Then make your exit plan and you don't need his agreement. That's the piece here, beloved, you don't need his agreement. And I'm not sure it's honorable, respectful, or required for you to spend time wondering what's wrong with your body that this man doesn't want because the truth is, if you were intimate with him, his eyes would be closed and he wouldn't see your body anyway, you know. And I'm not putting him down. He has a right to like what he likes, and some people are not attracted. I don't understand why he didn't make that decision or that choice before you know, he made this commitment, so he's not honoring his commitment. But it's up to you. What do you want? Vote for you and you don't have to have a discussion about it. All you have to do is make the choice and make the decision and create your strategy. A woman has three a's that she has to share with her mate, which is acknowledgment, acknowledgment of what he does, appreciation for how he does it, and acceptance of who he is. Those are our a's and you can add to that affirmation. So you want to acknowledge, you want to affirm, you want to appreciate, you want to accept. That's what women are called to do in their loving relationships. Men have the four peas. That is, to provide That means to make sure you have food, clothing, shelter, protect keep you from physical and other harm. To perform, which means all levels of performance, from taking the trash out to getting in the bed and rocking your word. And to please, to do those things that bring a smile to your face. So he may have the provide and the protect, but he's falling real short on the perform and please, So you're getting two out of the four piece. All right, eat your peace, Eat your peace. So if I had to leave you with a prescription, that prescription would be either choose to stay and be okay with it the way it is not question yourself but totally accept him as he is, which means denying a major part of yourself or choose not to stay because this is not how you want to live your life. Acknowledge that you may have made an error, Know that that error is not fatal, and that there's something better. Because if you want so much to be with a man who doesn't want you, imagine how good it will be to be with a man who does.

Oh yes, lord.

M all right, my beloved, let me know how you make out. Give me a give me a call, and let's say ninety days and tell me where you are. Okay, yes, okay, my love, be well, bye bye, laying on the nail. And the truth is you will lay on that nail and whine and moan and complain until you do something about it. And if you're not willing to get up off the now, the very least you can do is do something to make you feel better while you're laying there. I am Yamla and thank you for tuning in. If you have questions insights about this or any other relationship issue and you would like to explore it here on the R spot, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight, and be sure to follow me on social media for the call in times in the meantime, stay in peace, not pieceless. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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