Is It You?

Published Nov 22, 2023, 11:00 AM

With a second season and a fun new format, Iyanla returns to dive into four caller’s issues in a single episode by asking the question: Is it him, or is it you? Each caller is dealing with something in their relationship: A partner who won’t commit, a lack of trust and even a relationship that might already be dead before it’s even really begun.

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I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the fact that I was not always good at making my relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person. In other words, I have seen a lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I am here to share with you what I learned along the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to the ur Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Blessings and greetings, beloved, and this is the UR Spot. I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher for some, and a soft place to fall as we moved through the most common, often mind boggling complexities of relationships. What we want as people, as men, as women, as partners is changing, and our concepts about relationships is changing. Gender roles are changing, expectations are changing, and all of the change is showing up in and about relationships. I heard a news commentator say the other day we have gone from crazy to insane. And over the past few weeks, I've been looking and listening and asking what in the blazon of Jesus are we doing to ourselves and to each other? In the name of love and relationships. I want to talk to you about what you think the problem is in all of our relationships? Why are so many relationships dysfunctional, onhealthy, unsatisfying, disappointed and broken? And is it the relationship or is it us? The people in the relationships? I asked that question, Is it them? Is it us? Is it him? Is it me? Is it her? Is it me? And what are we going to do about what's going on in our relationship? So, beloved, let's get this party started with my first callun in the queue, Welcome beloved, Welcome to the art spot. And what is your challenge, issue dilemma today? Is it him?

Is it you?

And what you're gonna do about it?

I have been in a marriage for sixteen years, we have two kids together, and it has kind of been the same pattern since day one, which tells me it's probably me the reason why I'm still in this because I just haven't really learned the lesson yet. I don't know, but it's a constant up and down. He's very controlling and.

Very mean.

When he gets like, he'll be like really great for a little while and like so super supportive and then all of a sudden he gets really stressed out financially or whatever it is, and then like he gets very mean and calls me names and takes things away from me, like he'll take my car and my car keys and my things like that. And I've been in this pattern since day one, Like he's always acted like this, and like he came from a family where he didn't grow up with a dad and I didn't grow up with a mom. And I feel like because we met so young, we kind of have grown up together and things have gotten a bit, i'd say, a bit better, But like I was always financially dependent on him. I would stay at home mom as soon as my kids went off to school. I then started working when they were a little bit older. I would work nights waitressing, but I still would have to come home and like give him over my money. And then as I started to really get tired of the cycle of him always like taking from me or like calling me names or like whatever, it was, like I started to like be like no, no, no, I'm going to hold on to my money, and I.

Tried to leave. At some point.

This was years ago, and the girls were my girls were still younger, and it was almost impossible to be alone because I don't have a family support. He's the only person I really have as a support system. So I went back and then again it's just been this constant up and down, up and down, and now like this past year, we actually separated. He actually moved out, and it's become like he moved out. I was a single mom for like the whole year. It was a nightmare.

It was a nightmare.

I was working constantly trying to keep up as a single mom, but I still was so much more at peace than I was with him. And then I lost my job and one day I went into work and I got fired out of nowhere. I just got laid off. And again, because he's always been that financial provider and he always comes in and saves the day financially, I had him move back in. So now when he moved back, may I.

Ask you a question? Yes, So, when you hear yourself tell this lovely, dramatic, long drawn out sixteen year old saka, how does that make you feel terrible? Here's the question, beloved, don't think take a breath. Here's the question. Is it him?

Is it you? I want to say it's I want to say, it's me because it's my choice to be.

With period, period, period, it's me. It's my choice to be there. So, since you've chosen to be there, what do you need to do to either be at peace with the situation or to get out? I mean, it's just that simple.

Why do I feel like it's so hard to like every time I try to leave him, it's almost like I always end up back with him because of finances.

No, because it's comfortable and it's familiar. It's comfortable and it's familiar. So here's the question, Yeah, what do you need to do to be at peace? Since you've chosen to be there.

I'm trying.

I'm trying. I'm trying to figure that out. Honestly, I'm reading your book right now, piece from Broken Pieces, and I'm trying to figure out how to be at he's because I almost feel like I can't get up, Like I feel that's.

Not a feeling, that's a thought. That's not a feeling, that's a thought. I feel scared, I feel guilty, I feel embarrassed, I feel ashamed. A feeling is one word. A thought is I can't do this by myself. A thought is I need him in order to survive. A thought is he always saves the day financially. Those are thoughts. So since you've chosen to be there, and those are the thoughts, you're choosing either you find out what you need to do to be at peace or you leave. Yeah, that's it. I mean, you know, one of the things that we do in relationships. And that's why I'm asking the question, is it him? Is it me? And what am I going to do? Either you're going to stay and complain and be miserable, or you're going to leave and trust that everything you need will be provided. But if you can't see your way out, if you can't see your way on your own, then you'll stay and complain And nothing I can say is going to change that. That's cold water in your face, I know.

And if he has control over all the finances, then what how do how do we get around that?

Well, he God has control over all the finances. You got two legs, you got two feet, you got a brain, you got a brain. Because you're thinking, yeah, what if you thought I can do this? What if you thought I don't care if I have to live in the park, in the tent with the squirrels. I'm out about that. What if you thought that? What if you thought I deserve better, I want better? What if you thought those thoughts? What if you start thinking in that way? What if you start thinking, I'm done with you and this, take your money and find your good elsewhere. I'm done? What if you start thinking that way?

I want to think. I want to think that way.

I want to start thinking about.

But you can, Beloved, I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Okay, So then stay and stay, and when it hurts bad enough.

You'll leave.

You're there because it doesn't hurt bad enough. The minute it hurts you bad enough, Just like you know, if you have a toothache, right, you'll go and you'll get some whatever that stuff is. You put on your gum, and you'll wrench your mouth out with salt water, and you'll do this, and you'll do that, and you'll do the other. But the minute it hurts bad enough you go to the dentist, you'll stop acting like you know what's wrong with the dune. So it doesn't hurt bad enough. Beloved, when it hurts bad enough, I promise you you will be willing to sleep in the park with the squirrels, the sofa serf. So what I want to encourage you to do is ask yourself, what is it that makes me okay with the pain? Just keep asking yourself that what is it that makes me okay with the pain? Because me giving you the answer is not going to serve you to come from within. And here's the good news. You're getting there. That's why you call. You're almost stay almost say it sooner or later. It's gonna hurt you so bad until you will say, okay.

I'm done that.

I feel it does hurt so bad.

Okay, But I'm telling you it doesn't hurt bad enough. And you're not alone. There are hundreds thousands of others, men and women who are in the same exact situation. You're not alone, So don't beat yourself up, don't feel bad. Trust me. When it hurts bad enough, you will leave. And until then you either support yourself by asking why am I okay with the pain, or you continue complaining and telling the story. And it's not about him. Here's your answer. It's you, boo, it's you. Okay. I've got a gazillion callers. Thank you for calling hold on one second. The day it hurts you bad enough and you say I'm out. I want you to call me back and then we'll get your exit plan and your forward movement together.

Okay, I know, And I just want to before you leave, say thank you because I've been listening to you for two years now and you've been my piece when I can't find it, So I appreciate it.

Okay, all right, now ask yourself? Why am I okay with the pay? Okay? All right? Love? Thank you? Alrighty. I'm not sure what you heard there, but I heard somebody who's acting like they don't know what they do know. But let's see what the next caller has to say. Greetings, beloved, and welcome to the art spot. Is it him? Is it you? And what you're gonna do about?

I don't know?

Is that him? Is it you? Okay? Well? What what what's the issue?

Okay?

So I would think that is I don't know if I'm over thinking or being too And what I mean by that is we've been dating for almost years, almost six years, and.

We do what does that mean dating? What does that mean?

Okay?

So it means we're a couple, we live together, we met family, we've gone on several trips together. And by families, I mean we have three children together, none biologically together, but we're raising three kids together.

His children, your children is and then mine.

I have one, he has two. And okay we yeah, we do all the things together.

Like we.

Okay, I got it. You do all the things together. You've been married for you've been together for six years, you have three children, you're in his family, he's in your family.

And we're not married. And he knows I want to be married.

He's been married before.

What does married mean to you? What will change if you get married?

I feel like the level of the security and commitment will change.

Oh so you're not secure now? And you think he's gonna walk away?

Yeah? I think that we both can mar which I guess.

And you think that people who get married don't walk away?

Of course they do, of course they do.

Oh so what is it that you really want, beloved? Is it you want to be married? Or is that you want the wedding?

I really don't care.

About the wedding, mainly because my dad has passed and he can't walk me down all the extra pompous so.

I don't I don't care to pay for it.

But why don't you do that? Why don't y'all marry each other? Just get married, Just get your bible, get the little ceremony staying at the kitchen table, and do the wedding. Why don't you do that?

Because if I do that and I don't know what something happens to him tomorrow, then so what, I'm just going to be moving out of this house.

And you don't trust that this man who's you've been with for six years, who's helping you raise your children, who loves and trusts and honors you enough to allow you to support him and raising his children, who works comes home, tastes the man that you're sleeping with. You don't trust that this six years has been enough of a commitment, and that if you go downtown and get somebody you don't know to give you a piece of paper and say, okay, now he has to do it, think that'll change the relationship?

Yes?

Or no? What are you not telling me? You're not telling me something?

Boom, Well, I'm not telling you that. I think the fact that he hasn't married he means that.

He doesn't want to be right and what else?

That's it?

You don't want to get married. So do you want to stay in a relationship with him? For who? It ain't a problem for him, I.

Know, right, that's great.

But he's a saying he wants to get married.

He keeps on saying he wants to get married.

Yeah, and then not doing it, then only have X, y Z problems.

Then this is wrong.

Then that is wrong.

So is it him? Is it you? Is it him? Or is it you?

It's because it's me because I'm saying and not being married and wanting to be married, and then it's.

Him because it's not him. He's okay, he's not you are. But here's the thing, beloved, you got to get clear about what you want. You've got to get clear about what you want. Do you want him or do you want the piece of paper that gives you security? And I just want you to know. Married men walk out, married men cheat, married men bring home other babies from other places. Married men don't pay their bills, married men beat their wives. So what is it that you really want? It sounds like you want to guarantee and a piece of paper is not going to give you that. And then if you really really just want to be married, if you want to be chosen, and you want him to announce to God and the universe and all the community if you want, and his family, this is the one I've chosen. If you want that, then say that I want. Yeah, And if he doesn't give you what it is that you want, then you have to decide. Am I willing to stay here and accept what I don't want? Or am I willing to get out and go for what I do want. That's it's as simple decision. So it's not him boo, is you? It's you?

Okay?

So what about the clarity you said? I'm getting clear. I need to figure out how to get the clarity because I ain't figuring it out all this time.

We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back. I am yan lend. This is the R spot. You want to be married, he won't marry you. So either you stay and accept what you don't want, or you leave and go for what you do want. I think that's clear now. If you want him and what you have, then you're going to have to really investigate why am I pushing this marriage thing?

How do I investigate?

Well?

What you ask yourself? Why am I here? Why is marriage so important? To me, what is it that I really want? Because, for example, are you in his house? Who owns the house you live in?

He does?

Can you put your name on the deed?

Let him know?

I'm concerned. You know, this is a crazy world we live in. If you slip on a banana peel and break your neck, I don't have a right to this house. Me and the kids will be in the street. Are you willing to put me on the deed? Do you have a life insurance policy? Am I your beneficiary? What about your pension fund? Am I the beneficiary? Because unless we're married, all of those things will go up and smoke, and me and the children will be left in alert. So you don't want to marry me? Fine? What kind of arrangements can we make so that should anything happen to you, I'm taking care of and should anything happen to me, you're taking care of.

Okay, I think this sounds And.

Then when he says I'm not doing that, then what you're gonna do?

Ooh girl?

That's what I said? Ooh girl.

Then I'm back to part a leave or what I want or say, and I get the level of security that I want because I think what you said makes a lot of sense that there are any guarantees, right even if we are married, like they're still there. The steps not a guarantee just because there's that piece of paper.

Well, why can't you find security in the love and the companionship of a man that's helping you raise your child? Why can't you find security in that?

You know, if I'm being honest, because I haven't defined security as what I have currently.

I want you to it belong this for a little bit. He can never give you security if you don't have it within yourself. Never. He can never give you enough. He can marry you, he can put you on the deed, he can he can get you a life insurance policy from the progressive man on the TV. And it still won't be enough. You know, you know the progressive man. He says, what's your cost? Nine ninety five?

No matter before, you sound like him. It's like, it doesn't matter.

What I do.

It's you. It's not him. It's you, Okay, and I you want him to give you something that only you can establish for yourself. So let me ask you a question. Are you trying to establish security outside of your Yeah? Okay, there you go and do you trust yourself that no matter what happens in this relationship or with him, you're gonna be Okay, do you trust that?

Oh?

Yeah, I know that.

Okay, So there you go. If you trust this as a good man, if he's a man of good character and integrity, if he's a man that makes you happy, if you can see yourself building a life with him, going forward with him, then a piece of paper is not gonna do anything for you. And your security won't come from within you. It'll come from the courthouse. And if you think he's somebody that's gonna put you out or leave you or abandon you, then you got to stay what am I doing in this relationship? Not let me get married? So he can't do that, right. See how you solved your own situation you knew all along. Think about what you really want and think about it. If you're willing to accept what you have or go for what you really want and why you want it, that's that's the bottom line, Okay, Yes, ma'am. I love when people ask me questions. They ask me questions because they already know the answer, They just want me to confirm it. And that's exactly what my next scholler is doing. Take a listen. Greetings beloved, welcome to the art spot. Now is it him? Is it you? And what you're gonna do about it?

Yes?

I think it's him, but.

Me, Oh, that's usually what happens, all right. So you've you've been married thirty years, you see things completely differently now and you're considering divorced. So what's the question.

A question is do I stay and try to work on the marriage or do I go?

I'm kind of stuck in the meadow.

So let me ask you a question. Do you stay and continue to work on the marriage after thirty years or do you go?

Yeah?

And what would make you stay? And what would make you leave? What would make you stay?

What would make me say?

If he works, because I've been doing the work on myself, if he will agree to do the work want himself, I would consider.

Let me tell you wait a minute, stop right there, stop right there. Then you need to pack, you need to get out.

Yeah.

You cannot make your happiness, your contentment, your anything depending upon what somebody else does.

Yeah. Yeah, I think I needed to hear that.

You know.

Well, let me ask that question. Do you love him?

Yes?

I do.

Is he the right partner for you?

I thought he was, But now that we have gotten older and we don't agree on anything, I'm starting to get that.

Well, why do you need to agree? Has he supported you as you've done this work on yourself?

Yes?

Has he tried to stop you?

No? He is that.

So why can't you just love him for who he is and not who you want him to be?

I know I'm trying, but the disappointment, the disappointment. We've been through a lot, and the disappointments, I think I'm more disappointed and I have a lot of.

Resentment, and it's hard.

It's hard for me to just say, Okay, this is the way you are.

Why.

I was just looking for.

Some growth or some change.

I don't know, maybe because I've grown and I've changed.

But if you can't accept him exactly who he is, then you're banking on who you think he should be, who you want him to be, or the potential of who he can be.

Yeah.

I do see the potential, and I yeah.

But you see in his potential and him not realizing it, and maybe that's not your that's not his path. And this happens, this happens, so often when as one partner, you know, shifts, change evolves, and if that person no longer meets your need. But you've got a life that's totally wrapped up in this person. You know, the house, the linen, the china, Thanksgiving, Easter, you know all of those things.

Yeah, and now that we have we have three kids and the last one just turned eighteen, and so we're trying to We've never been with our kids, so we're trying to figure it out.

Do we like each other? Do you know? What do we do? It's just me and you.

You know, and there's no kids really around and you know, to care for.

So let me ask you a question. When did you realize that the marriage as you knew it was over?

About maybe twenty a few years ago, when right during the pandemic. I think a lot of things came to life for me, Like you know, now that our children are grown, I had more time to think about it.

We're just not.

Moving through life and working and busy and everything. Stuff started to slow.

Down then, and I.

Realized a lot of things.

Okay, so here's another question. Is this the man that you want to be with when you take your last breath? Yes, okay, Well, then what do you need to do to be okay? Because here's here's the thing. The marriage as you knew it was over. Yeah, can you create a new relationship, a new marriage with him? Take it out of the marriage and just say, can you create a new relationship with this man? And is he willing to create a new relationship with you? That's the big question.

Yeah, he seems like he wants to tribe. But it's like we can't agree on anything, not even a movie.

But that's because you want him to do it the way you want him to do it. You really think you know. And sometimes when we as women grow or stretch or heel, we become a little arrogant and we think we know. Do you like him? I mean? Does his breatstink? Do his feet stink? Does he make you happy? Is he good in the bed? I mean you know, does he bring your flowers? Do you like him most of the time?

Yeah?

Okay? So then what what why do you need to agree This week we go to the movie you want? Next week we go to the movie I want? How about that? Can we agree on that? And when it's his movie, you keep your mouth shut and you sit there and you watch it. When it's your movie, he keeps his mouth shut. He sits there and he watches it.

And so then that's really been the problem because sometimes when it's my turn, he gets old fidgety, and then I get bad.

Why he's fidgeting? Tit for tat the marriage as you knew it is over?

Yeah?

Is do you like this person enough to try to build a new relationship with him? We'll talk more about it when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off. If you saw him at the vegetable cam in the supermarket, would you wink at it?

Probably?

Okay, so we got a beginning. You don't have to agree. You have to like each other and respect each other. Do you trust it?

That's another story.

Yeah, it's been a lot of stuff over the years.

Yeah.

And it's been a lot of reinventing this relationship over the years.

That is another story.

So what do you want?

I just want to be happy.

I just want to be happy. I spent over thirty years with this man, and I'm just searching for my happiness, whatever that is. I just don't want to say, oh, I invested thirty something years, and I might make this work. I just want to be happy.

Here's something I want you to consider. Your husband is not your girlfriend.

Now.

He's not going to show up like a good girlfriend. Some husbands due, but he's not gonna show up like a good girlfriend.

Right.

And another thing to think about is always is not forever. I love that song Michael Jackson used to say. My forever came today. So maybe y'all won't be together forever. I know if you can't accept him in all ways, all ways that he is, if you can't accept that, be love it, then you know what to do.

Yeah.

Yeah, And you haven't invested thirty years and you need to stay and make it work. You've participated in a thirty year experiment and now you get to choose whether the experiment worked or didn't.

Yeah.

And I think that's the hard part for me is I'm thinking that I did everything that I knew that was good. You know, everything I knew to make it work. I did everything and it and at the end it still didn't work out the way.

I wanted it to see. I think you know what to do, but I think you're holding it as you know, like stocks, I invested these thirty years of time, energy and money. I put up with a lot of stuff, and now I got to make it work and he ain't cooperating. Well, maybe you're forever king. Ask for what you want and make your exit plan, and of course that doesn't mean your lead, but at least you start moving in that direction where you're gonna live. You know, how much money do you need? What are you gonna do? You want? One bedroom? Two bedrooms? You know, because trying to make him move out, that's that's not gonna work.

Yeah, it's not It's not gonna work.

So yeah, so make your exit plan and see if you can ext acute it okay. And if you're going to stay, you've got to figure out what you need to do to be okay again. If this is the man that you want to be with, when you take your last breath and close your eyes for the last time, also ask yourself, what do I need to be okay with him? Exactly as he is? Because it's not him, it's you.

I'm trying.

I was wondering, I say, is it me?

Is it me? To be me?

Well, because you say, you say that you want something, but then you're not willing to do what's required to get it. And I don't understand people staying and complaining. I just it just that just blows my mind.

It's been a longe once. It's been alone. It's been alone.

But thank you so much. All righty bye bye? Why tell me? Why? Please tell me why we are so willing to disminish and dismiss ourselves to make somebody else happen? Why? Why did we do that? That's what I'm going to ask my next call. Welcome to the our spot, beloved. Is it him? Is it you? And what you're gonna do about it?

It's me and it's him? How are you?

So? I'm blessed, beloved? So you have a fiance. How long have you been engaged?

Oh my goodness, oh thirteen thirteen years? But he went off to prison for eight years. He's still there. He get out. He get out this twenty twenty four.

Okay, so he's been in prison for the last eight years, over together, five years before he went to prison. Yes, okay, So what's the question.

The question is I wait? I know I'm not crazy. Here's here.

You have waited.

I waited, and I've been celebrated. I was faithful and I love him, and it's like, now it's time for him to come home, and he's talking about you know, you know, nice plans. You know, I'm getting together, getting married, getting a business together, and you know, building his family. And now it's like, uh, he's talking you know, pretty good. But I just decided, probably probably about a year ago, that I didn't want the relationship anymore.

Okay, so that what's the problem.

But I I'm not decided, I'm undecided.

No, that's not true. Don't do that to yourself. That is absolutely not true. I heard you say very clearly, I decided a year ago that I don't want the relationship. I also heard you say I love him. So is it possible that you can love him and not be in this relationship. You don't have to stop loving him. You can still be in relationship with him, just not as his partner. You've been a support to him. But I want to go back eight years. I want to go back eight years and asked who is the man and what did he do that landed him in jail. You don't have to tell me. I'm just saying that's who you've got to look at. Okay, Because that's when that's who went to jail, and that's who's coming out of jail.

Yes, okay, it even though he's a change to man and he that's who went to jail, and that's who went out of jail.

Who's coming out of jail. Because you all were in relationship for five years together, did you know he was selling drugs?

No?

Okay. So there was a man who was withholding information from you, a man who was out of integrity, a man who was not being fully responsible. It's irresponsible to sell drugs.

No, that is.

That's who he was when he went to jail. That's who's coming out of jail. So do you want to be in relationship with the man who went to jail?

No?

Okay, So there you go. Okay.

He made it so plain and so simple. That's why I needed to talk say.

And now here's here's what you're not talking about. That he's going to come out. He's looking to come home to you. He doesn't have any place else to go. He's gonna have to get a job. He's got a he's got a felony conviction. You know, he may have never seen an iPad, you know, because he's been in jail for ad okay, and you may not know how to deal with that mhm. So that's what you have to work on. How do you continue to support him outside of your house because he can't come home to your house because you don't want to be in a relationship with him like that?

No I don't.

And you're still going to visit him.

No, I stopped that, you.

Know, okay, all right? And do you write him, you send him, you put money on his books. I stopped that you stop putting money on his books.

Two years ago. That's when I really really made a wi decision, like this is not gonna work on wasting And then again I didn't want to, you know, make myself seeing wrong because you love who you love and you know you want to support that person. So that I felt like I supported him out of love, not out of wanting a relationship from him. Because when he went to jail, and for when he went to jail for you, right, I didn't know anything about it. He was kind of like, you know, being sneaky, and I thought like, no, that's not the man I want to be with a man that's sneaky and withholding information. I didn't want to be with nobody like that. But I held on because I wanted to support him, because I still had.

Love for Have you had that conversation with Yeah?

No, not that, not what I just sold you know how I told you, No, Well, there's not going to be helpful to him for you to have a conversation with me, that conversation with him and start getting him prepared.

Start getting him prepared.

That's the hard part. I don't want to disappoint him.

You know, you want to disappoint yourself.

No, you know I do not.

Okay, well, there you go. Vote for you.

I'm a Oh that's right, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. Vote for me.

Yeah. The loving, the most loving and compassionate thing you can do is to begin to prepare him now, because what you don't want to have happened is for a Spring of twenty twenty four to get here and he's thinking he's coming to your house. I don't know if he has other family, if he needs to go into a halfway house, but you need to start preparing him now. I love you, you know I've waited for you. But see, you gotta also stop telling this dual story. I'm engaged. I've been celibate. Why you've been celibate?

Yes, that's the love on here for him. I didn't want no other man looking.

But then two years ago you decide, how did you don't want to be in this relationship? You were supposed to go get you some nookie. You should have got the nookie.

In I'm not but I didn't. So I've learned over the years.

So listen to this and see how this lands in your body. Love him enough to tell him the truth, Love him enough to tell him the truth, and love yourself enough to tell him the truth, because you don't want to wait and have this man prepared to come out thinking he's coming home to you and you ain't even home. Love him enough to tell him the truth.

That makes a lot of sense.

Yesterday, well, good for you. You solved your own problem. Let's see the truth to set you free.

A lot of help from you. I'll come. I can't. I'm talking to you.

You're not alone, beloved. There are hundreds of thousands of others in that same situation, and so you're you're drawing on the strength and the courage of many, and some one day you're going to meet some woman in the same situation, and you'll be able to say, this is what I had to do.

Okay, okay, love you, love you, love you, love.

You, and go get you some milkie ahead you need some.

Thank you so much.

All righty bye bye bye. So there you have it. You got to ask yourself, is it him? Is it her? Or is it me? And I promise you ninety nine point nine percent of the time you're gonna find out it's you, boo. It's you not asking for what you want, accepting less than you want, making excuses for not having what you want, not knowing how to be okay with things. The way they are trying to make people different than they are, believing you know better than somebody else what they need to be doing and what's good for them. It's always about us because the first relationship you ever have is the one you are having with yourself, and people just show up to demonstrate that relationship. So that's it for today's episode. Be sure to tune in and we have a new episode every Wednesday. And if you've got a question or something that you want to share with me, are one hundred words or less one hundred not five hundred and fifty two. Okay, send it to me at the rspot at yama dot com. In the meantime, stay in peace and not peace. Listen

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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