Just because there isn’t money or children involved doesn’t mean that a friendship is any easier of a relationship. In an episode devoted to friend relationships, two callers are under constant fear that they’ll suddenly lose their friends. The first caller wants to reconnect with a friend who already cut her out of their life once before, which Iyanla fears will only happen again. The next caller develops personal attachments to the clients she works with, and then feels like she loses a friend once the client moves on. Iyanla identifies a major issue for both of them: They are repeating their bonding patterns over and over.
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I am the Yamla. I've been very open about the fact that I was not always good at making my relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person. In other words, I have seen a lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I am here to share with you what I learned along the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with our Heart Radio. How do we attract and connect to other people? It's called bonding patterns and bonding patterns or something I don't think we talk enough about when it comes to our relationships. Now, these relationships can be friendships, love shifts, or even family ships. You know, I make all relationship a ship, and each one of them teach us something that we create and attract over and over and over in all relationships. That's what a bonding pattern is. Something we've learned that we subconsciously hold that becomes the attraction mechanism or what we search for in our relationships. And let me tell you, most of the time, the bonding patterns we develop naturally are not healthy. It takes work to identify how your bonding pattern is working, and whether or not it's working for you, then you must do the work to heal it, change it, correct it. So in today's episode, both of my callers are facing their bonding adams head on, and we are going to support them in identifying and correcting those patterns. So let's get started. Good afternoon, my beloved. How are you? I'm doing well, How are you? How are you? I am blessed and I welcome you to the art spot. So what is your challenge, issue, dilemma, upset, breakdown so that we can have a breakthrough today. Okay, So essentially young like my pain point in life has been like my friendships with women, and essentially like you know, I've had a friend that just has decided to no longer be a friend and it's been years now. We stopped being friends, we came back together, and then just haven't really been able to reconnect. And now I see like her daughter's growing up and how I was like, you know, just so close with them and now not really having that relationship. You know, it just brings the sadness up. And so I guess for me, it's like do you just let things go or do you just allow things to just come back in its time, or do you try to reconcile. That's kind of just where I've been with it. Wow, So very often people forget that friendships are intimate relationships. When we're not having SAgs, so we're not sharing money or households, we forget and we also forget that there's a protocol and there's a practice in the process for dissolving a friendship. So I heard you say that you separated and you came back together. When you came back together that first time, what was the conversation about the separation. We didn't have a conversation about the separation. It was just a conversation problem, right, m M. So in the first time, did she walk away? Did you walk away? Did you just lose contact? What happen? So she walked away and unaware to me, so, and I just knew something was wrong. So I kept reaching out to figure out, okay, like, is everything okay? I wasn't sure. And then she just sent me like a long email of just saying that she was offended by something that I said to her, and she didn't necessarily know how to come back from it. So she just decided to separate herself. Did she tell you what it was? Yes? I yes, I remember telling her that I felt like she changed, like the season changed, and um, it was the truth that I had realized and I was It wasn't something that I was being like, Uh, I wasn't saying in a hurtful way. Um, it was just an observation that I had made about her, and from that point on, she was just like, I can't deal with it. And what was your intention in making that statement? Was that I was still getting to know her and I was still like our our friendship was like maybe two or three years, and but I guess I was just trying to communicate that in one season she'll be one way and then the next season she'll be another, and you just gotta keep up with her. So I'm just trying to still get an understanding of who she is and how she operates. Mm hmm. And if you had instead of making that statement, if you could have made a request, because so very often instead of making a request of the person, we will make a statement and it can be off putting or offensive or or hurt phone what was the request that you wanted to make and didn't make I made it. After I made the statement, my request was that if that if she needed she was the type of person that would just go in a cave, right, she would go in a cave, be quiet, and then come back out. And because it's been a pain point of friendships in my life, I was trying to always be cautious about it in the first place. But my request of her was just let me know that you're you're not talking to the people right now, and not to bother you. So I don't reach out, I don't call so going forward, just let me know that you're in that space and you don't want any contact with anybody. So I'm gonna ask you a question that will probably seem totally unrelated to this, okay, just looking at the pattern, looking at the pathology, looking at the possibilities. So, who did you lose early on in life? Mother? Father, younger sibling, older sibling, grandparents. Who did you lose early in life? My father? How old were you? I was seventeen going on? Oh I just turned eighteen, Okay, but he wasn't there even when I was younger, all right, So abandonment, yes, abandonment present in the consciousness. So you may have, could have probably, we do have a pathology that will attract people to you who will abandon without conversation or explanation. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she doesn't have the capacity to trigger the bonding pattern. The bonding pattern is who you attached to, how you attached to them, and what you will do to remain attached to them. So this is an issue of abandonment. So I would invite you to go back and check in with your three year old, five year old, nine year old, ten year old to find out key periods in your life when you may have said, if my father were here, this would be different, if my father were here, this would be better if my father were here, this or that or the other, or how you felt about not having your natural father in your life, so that you can dissolve that pathology of bonding with people who abandoned without conversation or explanation. That's all that's going on here. Take a breath. Take a breath. Okay, tell me what what you're thinking, what's going through your mind right now? Uh, well, what's going through mama right now is you know I experienced um domestic balance and the child in the home from five and up. And you know, it wasn't from my father, was on my stepfather, and so I've always wanted my dad to come by. My dad never came and so that is that, that's what's ringing in my ears right now. Yeah, five is key. This If my father were here, this wouldn't be happening. If my father would get me, I wouldn't have to go through this. And also domestic violence, particularly when it happens and then the perpetrators back in the home, that's a form of self abandonment because you have to abandon your need for safety, for protection, you have to abandon your thoughts and your feelings to still be present with the person who's in the home. Does that make sense? Do you understand what I'm saying. Yeah, So there's ways that you abandon yourself which then reinforces the bonding pattern. Because I'm sure she's not the only one. Look at other people and places in your life. Yeah, yeah, where you have a band. So you've got an abandonment Take a breath. Take a breath. You've got an abandonment pathology, and it's not fatal. It can be cleared. That's the good news. Okay, So again, go back to five age five, because there's a part of you that has never progressed beyond that maybe the first time it happened, the first time you heard it, the first time you saw it, what did it feel like? What did you tell yourself? And what was the decision that you made? Um. It installs a bonding pattern, So you will have a propensity to attract people who will abandon you mentally, physically, emotionally. But the part that I'm really concerned about is that they will inspire and motivate you to abandon yourself. Because if I was on the streets of Brooklyn, where I come from, I would say this, biddy, I don't need to be bothered with this. She ain't no friend. Now let me leave her alone. So the question becomes, why is your relationship with her an important relationship in your life? Why? Now? Yeah? Why why is it important for you to be in relationship with somebody? Okay? Okay? Well, so is her number still in your phone? So I have a solution for you, and you are probably not going to like it. Are you ready? Okay, we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back to the our spot. My caller today has a pattern of relationships and friendships that seemed to be built around abandonment, and we're going to interrupt that pattern right now. Could do me a favor, get your phone and delete her now, right now, Do it right now. I'll hold on. Go ahead, get your phone, Okay, delete, Tell me when you're done. Okay, delete it? Okay? Do you have text from her? Check? Go over there to the tech side, Go go ahead. I'll hold on. I want to give you back your power, and I want to interrupt the pattern of bonding with people wanting to bond, needing to bond, having to bond with people that abandon you. No, I don't have any checks. Okay, excellent. So now this is no longer an issue. Bless her, don't be mad, don't be upset, don't wonder. She's not the issue. She is the trigger. The issue is abandonment, and she triggers that for you. So you just took back a little bit of your power. And anybody else you're here's your homework. Go through your contacts, and anybody else in your contact that has abandoned you, rejected you, and you're wondering why delete they? But delete them? Then you don't have to wonder why they're not reaching me, Oh because I deleted them. That's the ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, the co worker, whoever. Because the issue is you have a pathology or a pattern of abandonment, and you will attract people that will abandon you and trigger up that stuff with Daddy. So your work is Daddy forgiveness, Mommy forgiveness, Stepdaddy forgiveness, and self forgiveness. M hmm. Okay, suff you were mistaken. You were mistaken, and it's not fatal. It's not fatal. And again, everybody who comes into your life comes to support your growth, your healing, you're learning. So sometimes they come to reveal an issue to us. Sometimes they come to trigger up an issue. Sometimes they come to bring us an issue. And everybody, they love you so much at the soul level. I love you so much that they take time out of their life to come into your life to help you heal. So we're very grateful for her and we are complete. How about that? How about that? Wow? Okay, okay, I got hold do some forgiveness work and also be mindful of how you bond with people. If you've got to chase them down, if you've got to do all the calling, if you've got to do all the paying, if you've got to do all of this and that, if you have questions that you won't ask them, then you then your bonding pattern has been triggered. Back up, slow down, pivot, do something else. Okay, Well, you know what I've been doing though, I've been resistant to letting new people in. Oh no, let him in and see how it feels. Here's the question, Oh this feels familiar? What does it remind me of? Okay, Because here's the truth, my love. It what God has for you, It is for you. And so as you go through this work and your own healing, you you won't lose anything that's for you. And the only thing you're gonna gain is what God has for you. Sometimes that's healings, sometimes that's release relief. It's all sorts of good stuff. But you're doing good. You're doing good. Delete Yes, ma'am, thank you so much. I appreciate you, y'all. I appreciate you. Do some forgiveness work. Okay, yes' alrighty bye bye love, okay, bye bye. Do you know your bonding pattern, how you bond with people, how you are attracted to people and the people that you attract to you. I don't know any place in society where we talk about bonding patterns and how things and people come into our life to trigger up are broken places. Yes, you will bond with people in a way that supports you and recognizing, identifying and healing your broken places. But when you don't know that and there's a breakdown in the relationship, you get busy trying to fix the relationship instead of looking at how you bond in the first place. Again, it's important for us to understand that while there may be no sharing of household, there may be no sharing of money, there may not be sex or intimacy, that a friendship is a relationship, and many of the issues that show up in a marriage or a cohabitation relationship also show up in friendships, and when they do, we have to deal with them in the very same way we would if the the person were a lover or wild for a spouse. Friendship princip relationship and the same principle supply. Let's into my next guest. Good afternoon, beloved, welcome to the art spot. Thank you for joining us today. And what is the challenge issue? Dilemma problem concerned that you have that we can dish up on the table. Well, um, my concern is that I'm in business and I've been entering there for like almost seventeen years, and and sometimes I get my heart caught up in business and then my my I guess you could say, my tones get hurt real easily. Or I know that they get what they need from me and then they move on to what they think is better. And so, you know, sometime you see things on social media where people that used to do business with and now they're doing business people that you're still friends with, and sometimes you feel like that whole like you're being left out, you know. Okay, So I need you to break this down for me into an experience you had or are having, because right now you are externalizing this. You're talking about this enough third person you and they and UHM no, no, no, not on the our spot. We're going to the care. So what happened with you specifically? Mm hmmm, wow, what happened? Ah? That's hard, Inanna, you know, I know it is. That's why I want you to talk about it. It's hard. What happened is I was doing business with let's break it down, bite size piecias. Come on, Okay, I was doing business with a client, and I worked really hard on helping them, you know, do events, you know, and producing different things, and then um, they had um not I guess, decided that they wanted to move forward in um you someone else to do different things I've already been doing with them for like a number of years, you know. Um it's because of that. Instead of just coming out and just telling me, oh, I think I'm gonna move it forward on this and do it this way, they kind of like with slowly give me signs they no longer wanted me to do certain things because this person seemed like they said, well I could do this better now. M And my feelings that really really hurt because I was very involved. What does that mean my feelings got hurt? Let me tell you what I've heard, because I want you to know. I heard you that you were working with a client, You worked really really hard, you gave your all to this client, and then without a clear conversation or request, this person moved on and the business that you were doing with them they began to do with someone else and kind of cut you out of the picture. Is that accurate? Yeah, that's very accurate. And that made me feel what it made me feel? What? How did you feel when that happened? A feel almost portrayed in a sense, okay, because the fact that they didn't say that thing, they acted, Oh, this person is just doing this for me only, you know, I saw that certain things were being taken away from me here I am doing social media marketing for them. But also I've seen, um that the other person they're working with is now advertising on social media. Oh um, we needed social media person. And I'm like, okay, isn't that what I do? You know? Or working on event? And also I'm not including certain meetings anymore, okay. And that made me feel when I saw someone else doing what I had been doing and there was no clear conversation about it, that made me feel what very very hurt, very hurt, take hurt deeper, rejected, abandoned, like a failure sad? What mm hmm? I felt rejected be checked in. I felt very very rejected and like thrown away in a sense, like like everything I've done didn't mean anything anymore, you know, um. And I felt like my time was not usualized right and I felt like I had made a mistake again, you know, because I didn't juice route before where I go all in and then someone makes changes and they don't notify me and so and I felt like I wasn't protecting my heart, you know. Okay, So Beautiful made a mistake again. M hmm, yeah, okay. So were you raised in a single a single parent household. I about both of my parents, and who played the dominant role with you? I said, my my father dominant role about his expectations, I mean his expectations. M. Did he have clear conversations with you about that? No, you had to literally trying to figure out on your own. Even you'd be like, would I do I do? Yeah? Yeah, there you go. Because the key piece here is no clear conversation about expectations, No clear conversations about desires, no clear conversations about roles, no clear conversations and beloved, no clear conversations about expectations. Expectations are very important because you expected I can't talk about your clients. You expected that if I work hard and I give you my best and I do what you request or require, that you're going to stay with me and that we're friends. And that this is gonna be good. Those were your expectations. But was there a clear conversation about I'm going to do this, I'm gonna do that, and we're gonna be together forever and you can't change your mind and whatever whatever. Was there a clear conversation about that. No, I always say no, oh okay, So you're just repeating a pattern which says to me, my love, this is no heat, no judgment, not a criticism that you may not be clear about your role and your position in other people's dreams. Mm hmmm, mm hmm. There's a distinction that I want to encourage you to make between the vision and the visualizer, or the vision and the visionary, because the vision is the thing that you are working on. You're working on the vision or the dream, but it doesn't belong to you. It belongs to the visionary mm hmmm. And the visionary has a right to say, you do this, you do this, you do this, and when you have served my purpose, I'm moving on. That's the visionary is right. It's not your vision, it's their vision, and you come in to play a role. Now, it would be nice if the visionary would say, our time together is over. You've served me well, I'm very grateful to you. I'm moving on. But chances are you wouldn't be able to hear that either because you aren't clear about your role. You're the worker be. You're not the visionary. You're the worker be. That's your business. And the client you said. I heard you very early on. I wrote it down. You said, the client. Don't make your clients your friends. Yes, and if they are your friends, stop being their worker. You either work for people or with people. If it's a client, you're working for them. If it's your friend, you're working with them, and they owe you certain things, you know. I used to have a cable company, had him forever and ever and ever, and then another cable company ran a sale and it was about money. So I left that first cable company and went to the second one. I didn't owe the first cable company no explanation. I didn't have to call him and say, I love your service, I've been with you for nineteen years, but this other company has a cheaper rate. I'm leaving. I didn't know than that because I was their client, I was their customer. I have a right to change my mind. Can you hear me, Yes, I hear you that, and that's a very good point. You're not the visionary, you're the worker be However, however, let's go back and let's tie it to Daddy. You're still trying to get acceptance, validation, and approval. And the way get it is that they see you and they'll acknowledge you, and they'll reward you for all that you've given, all that you do. But if that he didn't do it, they ain't gonna do it either. The key here is for you not to need it and not to expect it. Oh well, I lost another client. Let me move on. We'll be back with more right after this break. Welcome back to the art spot. Let's get back to our conversation about bonding patterns. Now, the good news is, and you you said this earlier. Here's the good news. You do what you do from your heart. M hm. Because you said, I've made a mistake again. I didn't protect my heart. So I want to make a slight shift of tear. Don't do it with your heart, do it with love distinction. When you do it with your heart, you're in it, you're attached to it, you're holding on to it. You're clinging to it, and when you do it with love, you're doing it with excellence because it makes you feel good no matter what happens. Mmm. That's a good way of looking at because I love I do. I love it. It's for you, Yes, it's for me, and I want to keep on having joy in it. Yeah, but you're attached to people's response to your love. Don't be attached because any time you cling hold on are attached to the outcome, you are going to suffer. M h. Now, of course there's good behavior and people could say we've done great work together. I'm so grateful for you, but I'm moving on now, I'm moving on. I thank you for what you've done, but our time together. It would be great if people would say that, even in business relationships, but they don't. And you know why they don't m Because they don't have to know, No, because they love you and they don't want to hurt you because no matter how that person would have said it, it would have hurt you, and they don't want to do that and it would have hurt you, probably because they know that you gave more than they paid for. They know that you gave more than they asked for they know that. Would that be accurate? Yes, yes, but that's because you were doing it with your heart and not with love. Your heart is your emotional being, and you're invested and you're attached. Stop that. This is business, and you go into a business with an intention and you do what you can and then it's next. Move on. You think the bus driver gets attached to every passenger that gets on the bus, Now bet your fair get off when you want to. M m hmm. Yeah, I did with a lot of folks, you know, and you can't get attached to everyone could is hard, you know, to do that. But you're still waiting for a clear conversation from Daddy. So you're gonna do more above and beyond because you want that acknowledgement, that validation that you didn't get, which is how you put your heart in it. Do you understand what I'm saying as opposed to doing it with love? Because I'm good at it, because I enjoy it, because it makes me feel good, and no matter how far it goes, when I look back over what I have accomplished with this client, I'm gonna feel good about that, even if they move on to someone else. That's good. Oh my God, thank you, because I don't. I'm tired of living in the past. Yeah, us put a sign up next whenever next comes. You know, I've written nineteen books, five of which were New York Times bestsellers, and all that means is that they sold a certain amount of copies each week. And that is not what I'm most proud of. You know what I'm most proud of. I'm most proud of that I sat down and listened to the spirit as it spoke to me to bring those books forward because that was for my healing. The fact that people buy and read the books, that is not my issue. That's God's issue. My issue is that, Yeah, I put the truth as I felt it, heard it, saw it in the moment in those books. And if nobody had bought one, I would have been okay because I didn't write the books for people to buy them. I wrote the books in obedience to the spirit of God within me. That's why I wrote the books. So you're not doing this work. You're not planning even events so that the people can acknowledge you or whatever, they're gonna pay you for your services. But you're doing this events because God has given you a gift. I can't plan my closet. Okay, that's all the fact that you can plan any event for hundreds of people working with that's a gift. Use your gift for God and not for external validation. How about that? Oh? My God? Amen? And I feel like I've been holding back because of that, because I'm I'm scared to go back out there, you know. And as part of like you said, my healing, my joy, I'm gonna give you this one more thing to help you elevate this. I heard you say this is my job. No, no, this is my ministry. And when you have a ministry, you don't do it for people. You do it for God. This is my ministry. So if there's a problem, if there's an upset, if there's a breakdown down, you don't go to the people. You go to God and say, Father, Mother, God, whatever it is for you, I surrender this to you, take care of everything. Tell me what to do. This ain't no job. This is a ministry. Raise it, up raise it, up raise it to a higher level. And you practice the principles of ministry and don't expect the clients to do that. That's not their responsibility because some clients are paying in the royal for tuity. Yeah, and that's why I feel it isntry. Yeah, we'll call it that and conducted as such. Yeah. And if in the process, as you do the work, you develop closer relationships with people, fine, but keep the lines clear. This is business, this is personal. H Okay, call me in about three months when you have sixty new clients and let me know how you're doing. Okay, Oh I will, I will thank you so much for us. Be safe out there. Okay, by thank you, I accept bye bye. When it comes to bonding patterns in relationships, it is important to identify the pattern and then interrupt the process and do the work required so that you don't recreate it. Now, that's why my first caller deleted those contacts, and why my second caller will not put her own self worth into the opinions of a client. Because we cannot improve the relationships in our lives without first understanding and then interrupting the bonding patterns we have developed. Let's turn those relationship issues into relationship blessed. Just give me a call at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times and until then, stay in peace and not pieceless. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.