Stephan Speaks returns to spill the tea on the truth about how men date. This time, Iyanla and Stephan discuss the wandering penis versus the accidental cheating, and how spirituality can help guide men toward healing.
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I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher for salm, and a soft place to fall for others. And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself enough to be able to share my love with other people. Welcome to the ur Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Greetings. I am I'm La van Zandt. Welcome back to the Our Spot. My guest today Relationship Certified Relationship and Dating Coach Stefan, And we're talking about some of the little intricate details and potholes that go into relationships. I had a whole thing that I wanted to talk to you about, but I've surrendered. We're going where we're going. We were talking about clearing up trauma, clearing up emotional breakdown, if you will, and how to do it and why we need to do it.
The real issue is people lack healing. The woman who cannot process her emotions is because she has blockage. That blockage is due to the trauma that she experienced and has not resolved and flushed out of us. That she just hasn't been taught to well, taught to yes but I do think that there's a I was literally on the phone last night with a close friend and she's been holding on to the same trauma.
For you forever.
But does she know it was trauma.
Yes, she's fully aware. It's just that it's scary to have to face that and have to go through that place and you don't know how to.
You don't know how to.
As well as I believe part of the reason why it's even harder for some women. It's going back to what we first talked about. Women are impacted emotionally more women having so the same way you said, the feeling of inadequacy can crush the man right. A woman having to look herself in the mirror and say I was wrong or you know, I made these mistakes, I did this. That's hard because she's internalizing it.
Women of color, let me not say black because I'm black, brown, and red. Here's what I want to put out in so that you can share with the brothers and so that in defense of my sisters. Is the last thing that a woman of color can own is that there's something wrong with her, because we are programmed and conditioned to believe that who we are is wrong. We're wrong from the jump. We're wrong because our butter bit is big, although people are now buying butts. We're wrong because our hair is nappy, although so people are straightening and weaving it. We're wrong. We are wrong as who we are. We're not if we're not light, if we're not frail, if we're not whatever. The overall, you know, society, black women, brown women, red women are taught, programmed, and conditioned in the matrix to believe that we are wrong as who we are. So it's challenging difficult for us as women to admit that we've done something wrong because that's almost like acknowledging I am wrong. Does that make sense?
Yes?
And I also think what adds to it, and this is not just for black women but just for people in general, is when you have lived with your trauma for so long, you create an identity and you believe this is who you are. So, for example, if you're a woman who experienced trauma and now you have a very negative attitude, all right, you're very sharp with your tongue.
Okay, wait a minute, hold on, I think I had this fight with you in the video too. But that's all right. First of all, if you live with the trauma part of the challenges. We own it and make it ours, and that's why we can't get rid of it. It's not yours. It's an experience. So if you own and live with the trauma, what are we talking about? Sexual abuse, physical violence, physical neglect. I'm raising my great grandson who is a mixed race male and learned about the trauma cause by the deprivation of nutrition, the deprivation of nutrici because of the way his mother ate didn't eat and what she had to go through to get food, and how that shows up for him. You know how many women and men of color or just poverty have trauma from the deprivation of nutrici, not knowing where your next meal is coming from, food scarcity. That's a trauma that so many of us don't even recognize and understand. So I just want on it to say that. But anyway, so her tongue may be sharp, yes, because she was deprived nutrition.
I don't know that, and that's fine. But what happens is when you create this identity from that based on the trauma, and you have to face the idea or the prospect of now removing that trauma you're afraid of with, then who am I aptlete?
Might gonna be? Exactly gonna be? Will I be enough without this?
Yes?
And how do I navigate life without this? Like it becomes the fear of the unknown, don't I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side. So one of the people I was recently speaking to, that's literally what she was saying, like, I'm just afraid. I don't know what to expect, and I'm like, listen you. All we know is that you will have more peace and from there things can start to fall into place. You can't get to a better place until you fully heal and release this trauma. Don't overthink it, don't look too far ahead. Let's just focus on addressing these very specific issues. I think also what has caused it created a more difficulty with facing our traumas is people have piled up so much of it. So the analogy I like to use is people keep stuffing things in their emotional closet, and the closet is getting bigger and bigger, and so now when you try to pull one thing out everything and you just are overwhelmed. They're like, I can't do this, and I had to tell us, like, listen, you gotta go in that closet, crack the door, pull one thing out real quick, deal with that one thing, go back, pull the next thing out.
Sooner or later.
The door is getting lighter and lighter. And now what'sever left. You'd have worked through all the big stuff. Then now it's going to be easy to open the door. The less that pours out, you'll get through it just fine.
And you're good.
Well, I have an even better, better process than that that I put on my Sun salutations. This is a shameless pluging on my Sun salutation's meditation. Now, but surrender it all. Surrender it all and ask for grace. Surrender it all and ask for grace because the truth of the matter, even pulling it out and choosing what you are going to deal with, put you in control and not God's source created a Holy Spirit, because if you really knew what you needed, you would have done it a long time ago. So I say, surrendered it all, and I say, Holy Spirit, go in the closet and get what you think I need to hear right now, which brings me to another point that I want to make right after this break welcome back to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off. This is a thing that I want to ask you about man and trauma, because so many of us are broken and wounded and traumatized. And where better do we find that out than in our relationships. You bring all your baggage and your monogram luggage into your relationship. People don't mind digging through their baggage, but they hold their monogram luggage very tightly, expensive paid dearly for this. And I have a saying in my world that I live by, and is that a man who is not accountable to somebody is a danger to himself and everyone else and stefan. So many men are not accountable for their trauma, for their behavior, for their wounding, the wounds that they inflict. Talk to me about men and accountability to themselves, for themselves for their behavior.
What's well? I think?
So one me being a man of God, I believe that the accountability comes from having God in your life. Yes, regardless of what specific belief system you have, if you have a God, if you have a higher power, that creates the accountability that a man really needs to stay on a certain path. I do think a lot of men today are getting caught up in the battle of accountability. So basically it's, oh, well, the women don't take accountability while they're not taking accountability themselves, and it's just going back and forth and people not realizing you can only control you, So you need to focus on are you doing what you're supposed to do. I also think that for a lot of men, when it comes to when you said inflicting the wounds, a lot of men are not aware of the wounds they inflict. They do not understand. Part of that is just due to their own ignorance. Some of that is due to.
Brainwashing, in my opinion, all right.
And tell me more, tell me about the brain.
So not to bring it all the way back to the sex, but the sex is a great example. So one of the things I think that has caused brainwashing and creates this wound infliction in the many cases is telling men women want sex.
Just like they do.
All right, who said that?
There's a lot of people say that. I was even at once many years ago, flown into I won't say which site, but it was a very popular dating site. There was twelve of us, and they had this whole presentation and One of them was a scientist, well renowned best selling author, and she pointed out a study that said the women wanted sex just as much as men, and I jumped in and I was like, no, no, no, that can't be right.
I said.
What they're doing is they're conflating intimacy with sex, and what women want is the intimacy, and what they're accustomed to is not being able to get the intimacy without the sex. Ok So it goes hand in hand to them. But if you said you could just have the intimacy or just the sex, most women are choosing the intimacy. Most men are choosing the sex. We don't desire it the same. But now if you tell men that we want it the same, then men don't understand the emotional factors and mental factors that go into a woman being sexually receptive. They don't understand how he needs to put or into her in those other intimate ways communication, togetherness, closeness, affection, all these different things. So now when he has that situation where he just wants to sleep with her, to hint to a lot of minutes, like, well, okay, she's enjoying it just like me. I didn't do anything wrong here, not realizing that he left her completely void in the other eras that she really craved from him, all right, And this pours over into the relationships, which is why in some cases it's not that the sex wasn't good at some point with them, it's that the man does not know how to continuously activate that sexual desire in her by pouring into her emotionally and mentally.
So again, what if.
He's emotionally void, If he doesn't know how to communicate his emotions, if he doesn't know how to name them, what if he's void.
I think when a man loves a woman, he's willing to do things he doesn't do for anyone else.
So, even though he may be so, I don't yes, that is so.
So I don't think he's completely void. I just think that one A lot of men are just not motivated.
So here's the thing.
A lot of women and men have to understand. A lot of the issues we're seeing are not because men are bad, women are bad, or this person doesn't know this. That person doesn't know this is because you're dealing with the wrong person. And when you're dealing with the wrong person, expect for things to go left, so meaning you can have a man. And if he's dating ten women casually, with those ten women.
He's very closed off.
He's very emotionally detached because I don't want to get emotionally invested when I'm just trying to be casual and have fun with you. I don't need you get any your feelings. I don't need you expecting more out of me emotionally.
And who is he accountable to for that behavior?
Well, again, if she's claiming she's okay with the dynamic, why would he think I'm doing something wrong and wounds exactly. But that's why I said it's not to his He doesn't know that because she's claiming I'm good, I can deal with this situation.
Shit, but you know you're not happy. Now.
That same dude who's emotionally detached with those same ten women, Let him meet woman number eleven that he thinks this is my future wife I'm in love with, and he will try. He may not be great at it, but he will try to be more open. He will try to be more expressive. If she says to him, I need this more out of you, he will listen and he will make an attempt to adjust.
So when you're there, and then and then when she doesn't want him, and is he wounded.
Absolutely, And this is what happens when the man finally has the woman that he wants and now she rejects him. Going back to what we talked about it right beginning, he's what I always say behind every player is.
A story of a man who got played. Okay, all right.
You will see many situations where a young man can be raised to be a player.
All his uncles like.
Have multiple women, don't ever have just one woman. And yet there will still be an instance where he meets a woman, falls deeply for her and wants to let go of all the women for her, but because he does not know how to handle his emotions. Okay, and a lot of women just goes to the brainwashing again. A lot of women are so the idea. If he loves you, he's supposed to.
Be perfect with it.
He's supposed to be perfect with his expression, with the way he treats you.
He's supposed to make no mistakes if he loves you. And if he makes any mistake, that's proof that he's just like the rest of them. So, now this man who actually loves her, who actually is trying his hardest, makes a mistake because he's human. We all make mistakes.
Wait a minute, I know, hold that thought is a mistake that your penis ends up in somebody else's vagina. Is that a mistake or did it just fall in? You know? Because that's mistake men make a lot of time.
I know people aren't gonna like this, but hear me out, hear me out there are cheating is a very case by case thing. There are some scenarios where it is an actual miss What I mean by that, Listen, here's what I mean. Okay, I did one example. I'm being quiet, all right, and I'm gonna use this example on the women's side for a second. I know a woman, she was married, She went on a business trip. During the business trip, they all hung out. They were drinking during that time at the bar, something happened. She ended up kissing one of the guys. Well, he kissed her and she kissed back. This wasn't her trying to intentionally go out there and do something. This is something that because you were not mindful of the things that can lead into the trouble to drinking, to being out late it led to this.
The parents just fell into the vagina.
Now, they didn't have sex, But the point is, like it can be a mistake in the sense that this was a bad decision. This was a one art thing, got it, all right? This is not the same thing as someone carrying on an affair.
Okay. So and the flip side that he was drinking got attracted to somebody, you know, they ended up you know, under the stairway or in the hotel room or whatever, and the peenis just fell into the vagina.
Get it.
Now, Now let's talk about the ongoing penis. Now gets in the car, drives down, picks up, you know, and then right, the intentional roaming penis. Let's talk about that one with no integrity, no accountability, because I don't think we finished up our conversation about cheating. Tell me about that penis, okay, the intentional roaming penis.
So again, there's there's layers to this because there are some men who live by the idea that cheating is just what happens, all right. So like, for example, you'll have a man say, well, all men cheat. The minute a man says all men cheat, pretty much that that means he's gonna he's gonna cross that line at some point. All right, he's pretty much telling stuff. Now, there are some men who are telling women, especially in today's world, hey, I don't do monogamy. This is to me that we can't really classify that as cheating because if you, yes, it's announced, if we have agreed upon this dynamic, that that's just allo relationship, that's something different. But the one who is lying, who is selling monogamy but then still cheating for some again with no accountability, well, it's not just no accountability. The problem is a lot of men struggle. And this is not to give sympathy to the cheater. This is just the reality of it. A lot of men struggle from walking away from their relationship for various reasons. All Right, I one, Yes, I've had tons of men who don't even cheat, yet who will DM me giving me a laundry list of all the toxic things his partner does, and say.
How do I keep her okay?
Because here's the question. Is the question that you want to leave or is the question that you don't know how to stay based on what's present?
So I'll give one example. Man gets married, has kids with this woman, the sex falls off a cliff. It's namn near nonexistent. Okay, but this does not have family elsewhere.
This is his world.
To him, I'm not gonna leave all that I have, Face the prospect of not being with my kids, consistently, face the prospect of any financial ramifications that come from this, face just all the legal things I have to deal with if I can just satisfy this urge of attention, affection, sex, whatever somewhere else while maintaining home.
Now, So the intentional, the intentional roaming penis sometimes it's just the release, the way that we don't lose everything we have.
Yes, so he to him.
You know, for some men, for some people, they're hoping that the cheating is temporary. Some people cheat with the idea of Okay, I'm gonna do this right now to get this need met. But my hope is that my partner's gonna finally come around and we're gonna be good, and then I can just go back home and I don't gotta worry about this anymore. But they don't realize it's only gonna prolong the process, and chances are it's not gonna get fixed. If you're out there in these streets, you know, getting your knees mail elsewhere. But there are some men who that, yes, they feel like having this supplement of a side woman. You know, there's some men who think having a side chick strengthens the main relationship.
And there's some side chicks who are okay being side chicks. But that's a whole other conversation ahead.
Yes, So to him, it's like, yeah, why am I gonna throw away everything here that I built just because I need this one need met that my wife is unwilling to fulfilled. But then let's add another layer to it. Because as much as people say, why don't you just leave? If a man goes to his friends and family and says I want to leave because my wife doesn't have sex with me often enough, you know what they say to him, Oh, give her more time. No one says, oh.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead, leave. It doesn't happen like that. It's the same thing.
If a woman is being sexually neglected and not satisfied, she can't go to anyone to say I'm thinking about leaving because he doesn't satisfy me sexually. All they're gonna do is try to talk her out of it and tell her why this is normal, so the person feels like my only outlet is just to get the need met and keep this in place.
Is that the intentional roaming vagina?
It is, and there's a lot of there's a lot more roaming vaginas than people realize.
I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. We were talking about accountability, yes, and I want to say that, whether the penis is roaming, the vagina's roaming, whether it's a trauma response, whether it's a limited emotional vocabulary, we are all gonna be held accountable for our behavior. We're gonna be held accountable for our choices, We're gonna be held accountable for our decisions. Which is why it's so important for me that we really start getting some skills and tools so that we can clean up our relationships. I'm not even talking just about loving relationships. I'm talking about parental relationships. I'm talking about sibling relationships. I want to teach parents how to parent adult children, because some parents treat their adults like their five and ten. I want to teach adult children how to be in respectful, loving relationships with their parents. You know, because your mother gets on your nerves. You don't cut her off and stop speaking to it and send out a Christmas card in a text, you know. And because booble hurts you back in fifty six, you can't treat Robert badly today. And I sold all of this. It's so complex, and I just think that it's coming to a head because we are being held to a higher standard in the universe. That's just me. I'm all help me.
No. I definitely think what we're seeing is the cumbination of just unresolved trauma over the years. Like a lot of people will say, oh, we need relationships like our grandparents, And I'm like, it's our grandparents' relationship.
Why y'all messed up?
Now? Like the stain together just to stay together. But creating a toxic, unhealthy household is what's poured over into these people who have not become dysfunctional adults who now don't know how to handle themselves in a relationship.
All right, So we have to stop this cycle.
But again, it's gonna start with individually healing. So a lot of people that're getting so caught up in the landscape of how it looks with everyone else. These men aren't getting help or these women aren't getting help.
But it's like, what have you gotten help?
Well, that's what I say. Is it them?
Is it me?
Is it us? And on that note, let's take a break. We'll be right back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Let me ask you a question.
What did you have to hear? So, let me tell you my first experience with therapy? That was what it was, My first thing I had to heal.
So.
I actually was in college.
My father had took my car that morning, brought it back, and we had a lot of conflict, and so like I got so upset. Finally get my car back, I'm rushing to school to go take my test. I literally have an emotional breakdown on the highway.
Pull over to this what does that look like?
I just start crying. I was so mad and I just start crying. And then I was like, yo, if I don't pull over, I'm a crash. So I pulled over, it cried, and I just turned back around and went home, like I can't.
Go take this test.
So I talked to my teacher, and of course he was skeptical that I'm telling the truth. He thought I just missed the test. He's like, well, if you want to take this final, you have to go to a school counselor. Now, at that time, I didn't believe in therapy, you know how a lot of us in our community all you know.
I'm like, all right, I'm in a mail two.
Caribbean la, yes, Caribbean man.
So I'm like, all right, that's what he needs so I can take this test. Fine, I'm gonna go knock this out, take this to as were good man. By the time I was done with that session, I was in tears and I did not realize all that I was holding onto. And it was due to my parents. And it was the fact that just the way that they handled me, like I always feel like I was a black sheep, you know. But for me, part of what allowed me to heal was understanding my parents grew up without their parents. My mom lost both of her parents when she was like three four years old. My father lost his father when he was like seven and only had his mother. Plus we're Caribbean, Like, I'm convinced when you examine any kind of foreign culture households, the households are built on discipline, making something of your self respect. It ain't about lovey dovey and expressing emotions, and particularly.
Not your ancestral lineage, which is Haitian exact, because of the brutality that the people in that culture experience.
Yeah, so to me, it was like when I start connecting all those dots and having that moment to be able to express everything, which is why I believe a lot of people they struggle with healing because they're not fully releasing all their emotions and how they feel and fully expressing themselves. But me being able to do that like that was It's almost like it just clicked, like, oh wait a minute, and I saw everything differently. And now you know, now I have my father had passed in two thousand and seven, but my mom still alive. We have a great relationship, better relationship now than when we were younger. Everything's great. And yeah, that was part of my first experience with needing to heal, you know, and understanding that whole process. And I think that I refined the process even more as I went along, because I have a book, Love After Heartbreak, where I break down my healing process that anyone who does it, they're gonna see the.
Positive results, men or women.
It's justice. It's a heavy experience. It's a heavy So for example, the first step is what I call it who hurt me lists. Get a piece of paper, right, who hurt me? And ask yourself that question, who hurt me?
Okay, did you hear that? That's an assignment from our guests today. Get a piece of paper, and you want to create a who hurt me list? And I want to add to that what hurt me exactly? Because sometimes it's not a who, it's what the who did?
Yes exactly, So you will add that to each person in each situation. So now we can identify because there's a lot of people if they just ask themselves that question and wrote it down, they might be shocked who makes that list because they've been suppressing things for so long. But it's almost like you're calling out the trauma when you ask that question, and it hears it and it starts coming in, you know. So now all right, now we have our list, So then we have to let's say we choose someone. So this kind of goes back to picking that one thing out of the closet. So let's say we start with the mother, because I found We talk about that issues a lot, But mommy issues are She's a beast.
She's a beast, I tell you, because when mama break your heart, it is shattered. Yes, daddy may break it in half, Daddy may shredd it, but when Mama breaks your heart, there are shards that go everywhere. And ask me how I know?
Ask how do you know? I had three children?
That's how I know?
And not to mention.
What also compounds the issue is that we are more afraid of expressing our disappointment, hurt, resentment towards our mothers.
Than our father. We'll attack the hell of our out of our fathers, but.
Our mothers is like, I don't want to. Yes, she's a sacred cou exactly. So in this process we do two drafts. We do we're gonna write a letter. The first draft is just you letting everything out. It's yes, it's essentially an emotional detox.
You gotta flush it out because what people do is they'll say, well, I talked to.
My mother before. No, you had your moment of lashing out. You said a few things, but you didn't get everything out.
Or you wrote a letter, but in writing that letter you try to find the right things to say.
You had it exactly, so you were softer with what you so you didn't let the raw emotion that needs to be purged out of your system out, So that first draft is a pursing of it. So I don't care if you're insulting her, wishing death on her. I don't care what evil thing comes out of you, because it needs to come out.
You know, I say that to people. My mother was an alcoholic who died when I was two. Nobody ever bothered to tell me that until I was thirty, so I was raised you know, for me, lying in the relationship, that's the kryptonite. Don't lie to me. But when I found out at thirty that my mother had died and the woman who raised me wasn't my mother, blah blah blah. But the thing was, my mother was an alcoholic. And when I started hearing the stories about it, you know, first of all, I was so heartbroken that my mother had died. Then I was pissed off, you know. So in the pisosity is where I could tell the truth. And I will say, you know, in my healing, I said my mother was a pissy drunk, a fall down pissy drunk. Now I can say that about her. You can't say that. But it was in that level of telling the rock got truth about how I felt that I could get the feelings of to even get to the sadness of oh damn, my mama died, and all this time I thought it was just my father's unaccountability, irresponsibility, lack of integrity when he was grieving the fact that the love of his life died and left him with two children. Well, I won't bother to mention that my mother was the other woman that's not and that he had a wife a rather corner. But okay, So that part of it of identifying who hurts you and what hurts you. What hurt me was that nobody told me the truth. So for those of you doing this exercise writing you who hurt me less, what hurt me less, have a glass of water nearby. Why because water will soak up the energy. And again I want you to get sun salutations and listen to it some of the meditations in there, because we don't want you to hurt yourself. Yeah, or just go get you a counselor or therapists.
But anyway, go ahead and let me just say in getting a counselor a therapist, and this is I have love for all people who are helping others work through issues and heal counselors, therapists, coaches. But I think a lot of people don't realize they're going to some of these therapists and it's just a venting session. Yeah, nothing's being resolved, nothing's being healed. They're just learning how to cope and manage.
And because in many cases my experiences, because these are the ones I get, the therapists haven't done their work. There you go, the coaches haven't done their work. First of all, coaches shouldn't. You can't coach trauma that has to be healed, resolved. That's therapy, that's counseling. You cannot coach trauma. Because for me, coaching is you got to have a vision, you got to be able to articulate it. So, whether it's relationship coaching, healing, coaching, whatever, trauma has some tentacles that may require deeper, a deeper dive. So if you get a counselor who hasn't done they work, you in trouble.
Yeah, exactly.
So I just want people to be mindful of that that, all right, go to your accounts, go to your therapist. But if you know it's after a few sessions you're just talking, talking, talking, and you're not actually flushing anything out and making some progress, then maybe just need to go to a different one, you know, That's all it is. Don't stop trying to get assistance. Just make sure you're getting effective assistance. But going back to the letter, Yes, so you do the first draft, let everything out, and I always tell people you're gonna feel like a weight come off your shoulders just doing that first initial draft. But in the second draft, I always tell them to, you know, pray, get yourself to a level place, and then read the letter to yourself as if you were that person. So in this example, put yourself in your mother's shoes, read a letter, and now, ain't thing that comes off as attacking, condescending, blatantly insulting.
You change it. You're not changing your message, You're just changing.
The delivery of your message. And the purpose of this exercise is one we have to learn how to take that anger and raw emotion and deliver it in a more effective manner in our relationships.
All Right, communicate it in a way that it can be received.
Yes, because when people feel attacked, they will defend themselves and it's just human nature. I don't care who you are. So you have to learn how to deliver the message properly, and this exercise will help you with that because that's a lot of raw emotion to take and then turn around, which is also another reason why I tell a lot of people, even in your current relationships, romantic ones or whatever, if you have deep issues and concerns to express, write a letter and then you guys can talk about the letter, because when you're trying to express these deep things in verbal care communication, it typically goes left. People get defensive, they deflect, you might get distracted, you get scared and don't get everything out, so you don't really accomplish the true goal. But with a letter, people have time to process. And when see, when people are listening to you verbally, they're listening to respond, well, they're listening.
To respond, right, and they're listening from their defensive possitions exactly.
But when they're reading a letter, they're listening to understand, or they're reading to understand, they're taking it in because now it's not they don't have to react in the moment, so it allows them to sit with what you're saying a little bit longer. Sometime sometimes yeahs you know, but yeah. So now we clean up the second letter and then if from there, I always tell people, all right, pray and ask God if you sus send a letter.
Let's talk about building a relationship from spiritual principles as opposed to building one on a human condition.
Okay, so one, I believe that having a spiritual foundation is so important because, as you alluded to, as you mentioned, it creates accountability in the relationship, a greater level of accountability, but not just a great level of accountability. It kind of creates a different focal point. Meaning I think the mistake that we make in relationships is that we are making our actions based off of their actions. So if they talk to us funny today, now I'm going to talk to them funny, I'm gonna start acting crazy because they're acting crazy or they're not doing this for me, so I'm not gonna do that for them. But if you are honoring God and God wants you to handle things a certain kind of way, it's easier for you to say, all right, I show up the right way in the relationship because I'm honoring God and I'm honoring the blessing God gave me, and you are the beneficiary of it. So even in your moments where you fall short, I'm held to the standard of making sure I'm making God happy with my actions.
Your accountable to.
Exactly.
And it's just that I think we have to learn to not just make it about what our partner is or isn't doing in every single moment, because listen, we're human. We're gonna have moments we fall short. We're gonna have moments we make mistakes. But when you have that spiritual foundation, you can then go back to God and say, how do you want me to proceed? How do you want me to handle this situation? You know, Like I tell people, pray before you react, you know, because it will make such a huge difference in how you navigate that current situation. Because sometimes it's an easily fixable situation. But what we do is we react based of our human perception of things, and we add fuel to the fire, and now it goes way further left than it ever needed to go. And now we have to work not to just fix the initial issue, but all the issues we piled on on top of it because we didn't allow God to guide us in that moment.
That's it to stick to the principles, because that's what I think spiritual law and principle. Last week when we were talking, we talked about cheating, and you said that the very often people make the cheating about the cheater and not about the one who was cheated on. When you have a spiritual structure that you're relating it, building your marriage it, and cheating violates the principles, what do you do with that?
Well, again, I think first, and this is not to take any pressure off the cheater, but I want to be real because I feel like if we're going to solve this issue, we have to address all the different angles. So one, I believe that neglect is as bad of a violation that's cheating, neglect, blatant neglect such as sexual neglect, emotional langue, et. And we're being more specific by saying it has been communicated to you. It's one thing when you were not aware that that's something different, but when you are being told this is a problem over and over and over again. So I use this analogy. It's almost like if a mother had a son, and she said, you can only eat in this house. You can't eat anywhere else. All right, I will feed you. You'll be good. Monday comes. I'm tired today. Just wait till tomorrow. I'll feed you. Tuesday comes. I don't got the foods yet. Just give me some more time. We're now on day five.
I'm hard five.
It's day five. The child's walking down the street.
Someone sees the mild nourished to child and says, boy, would you like a sandwich?
Now in his head, he's thinking.
I'm not supposed to eat anywhere else, but damn I'm hungry.
I'll take a bite. It can't hurt. He gets home. How could you have eaten someone else?
I tell you, But you starved him for five days?
Got it? That is a beautiful did y all hear that? All you are spot listening out there? Hear what he's saying. It goes both ways. Yes, when a man says, you know, all you ever do is tell me what I didn't do, right, You're never grateful for what I did do. When a man says to you, you don't hear me either. When a man says to you, as a woman, I'm saying when a man says to you, you're not there for me here and now the next thing, you know, he got tulula around the corner. Him in the independent roaming penis around the corner. Or men, my brothers, when a woman says to you, don't take what I feel seriously, or when a woman says to you, you're not here from me when I need you, and now she's up the street with bad boy, you know, bad boy Bruce or whatever his name is. You know, that is so incredible. Neglect when you've been told and you don't address it could manifest as the roaming anxiety parts.
And I think going back to the initial question of what do you do when the violation occurs? So let's just assume there wasn't neglect. Let's just assume that in this scenario, this person just stepped out. So one, I think again, we have to understand that there are some examples of cheating where it's a symptom of two people who don't belong together, okay, and then there's others where it's a symptom of something broken within the relationship between two people who can work together.
All right.
So that's why we have to go deeper into each situation to understand which one are we really dealing with, Because, for example, you'll have a woman now say, oh, this man cheating on me, and I'm you know, she's contemplating him, let's say repeatedly. And let's just say he's arguing that this is just one time thing whatever. But I'm like, okay, wait a minute, put the cheating to a side. Let's look at the rest of relationship. He neglects you. You've been unhappy, the house hold is toxic. Cheating or not, this is a bad relationship.
And those are the clues.
Yes, you're so focused on the cheating, but this is a bad relationship.
Now, let's flip it.
Cheating occur, but when we look at the relationship, everything is amazing, everything is great. So maybe this is just into the isolated issue that we just need to discuss. How did we get here? Why did this happen? Because everything else we have going on is good. Now in the in the the idea of violation spiritually and the breach of trust, the breach of trust, well, guess what we sin every day.
I ain't talking about sinners.
You got from a principal standpoint, you got to understand what I'm going going with here.
We we break and violate trust.
We violate God's trust in that sense, we violate the principles of what we're supposed to uphold.
Does it automatic?
Like me? You better believe violate God's trust in us every day?
Yes, Lord.
And the only reason why I believe that God has given us grace because He knows that human beings were gonna fall short and without grace, none of us would make it past this level. Okay, I think that we need to extend that grace to each other in a lot of situations. Again, it's not to make cheating okay, is to understand rather than making this about this is a horrible person or whatever the case may be, the bottom line question is do we fit.
Together and can we make this work? Is this fixable or not?
If it is not, then this is just the time. This is our chance to break free. I've said to people before, I said some of y'all needed to be cheated off. Yeah, because if you weren't, you would have never walked away from this unhealthy ass relationship.
Listen, I for me. You know the roaming penis and what it does. That's not the issue. You cannot measure the depth of sexual interaction, what really did the person do? This is what it is for me in the cheating, that you breach your own personal integrity, not by having sex, but by having sex and then coming and looking me in my face and lying to me. That's a problem to me because now I'm wondering, Okay, now, who are you? Because you're dangerous. But let me you're dangerous if you can look me in my face and lie to me about where you've been, what you're doing, and if you would do that. I'm talking man woman. I'm sure it goes on in same sex relationships too, but man to woman, I want to know what the lie you're telling my sister that's making her okay with this? Are you telling her with separated? Are you telling her I'm dead? Are you telling her I'm not giving you none? What are you telling her? So what challenges me is the lies that you tell that compromise your personal integrity as a man. That's my problem. Go get as much nookie as you want, that's your business. You and the Roman penis gonna have fun out the whip it up on a horse. It's that part that I that's dangerous.
So and this may or may not apply to your experiences, but a lot of women you self identified as an alful women, A lot of women who are altful women are in that mold. They don't realize that the energy that they're giving off draws them, yes, and it draws in the man who has no vision, who lacks purpose, and he wants you because you give him the bilitary.
He doesn't have to give you this stability.
And so for a lot of women, they fall into the trap of this feels good because this kind of man is more available to give you attention, to listen to all these things. Ain't nobody more available than a broke man. So this dude is just free to pour into you and it feels great. But over time you're waiting for him to take the man step up, and he's never developed that. And the only way to receive that man who has those skills from the jump is to be able to exude that feminine energy, is to be able to walk in that power that that kind of man is going to be drawn to. And I think a lot of women will say to me, well, I'm feminine when I'm in the relationship Okay, that's great. But if he can't see that before he gets that far, why would he even try to talk to you. He'll just go to somebody else who's exuding that energy that he wants.
I learned the hard way, though, Stefan.
I learned.
I'm gonna tell you how I learned. I was married, didn't understand who I was as an alpha woman and what that energy was. And so and I made more money. And even though I really work to be a soft place for him to fall, you know, the ego is a big thing. And so it all happened around a Christmas tree. We agreed that because I didn't do he didn't do Christmas. He did Quanmsa.
I did Christmas.
I'm like a Chris. I don't know what it is. I don't have no problem with Kwansa. And I have my canora and all my you know, my things. But so we agreed that we would do. He would do Christmas and I would do Quansa. He would get me what I needed for Christmas. I would get him what he needed for quansas. So I had the canora and the candles and the zawadi and everything, and he would get to Christmas tree. So this one particular year, I went out and I saw this Christmas tree, the Christmas tree of life. This Christmas tree was PLoP down out of heaven just for me. I'm talking to spruce pine full No. So I saw the Christmas tree and I go and I say to the man how much is this tree? And he tells me, and I said, please, can I give you a deposit? I want you to hold this tree. I'm gonna go home. My husband's gonna come and get it. And I buy my tree there every year. So he said, go ahead, let me tell him to come on and pick it up. I'll hold it for you till tomorrow. I go home totally excited, totally excited about this Christmas tree. And I tell him and he said, well, how much is it? I said eighty dollars. He said, I ain't paying no eighty dollars for no Christmas tree. Oh, but I'm wanting, why do we have to have an eighty dollars Christmas tree? Well, it's not that it's eighty dollars, it said, it's perfect, it's a point in the thing, it's no cones falling off the floor. I'm not paying no eighty dollars for no Christmas tree. I said, but wine, I want it, and he wouldn't go get it. So at first I was, you know, heartbroken, and then I got pissed off, and then I was in the car, me and the ego, and it just took over my break. It just consumed the goodness of me as a woman of spirit and God and love. And I went and bought my Christmas tree, and so in his attempt to please me, he went and bought a Christmas tree. Bottom line, we ended up with two Christmas trees. And mine was the perfect spruce pine. His was a Kwansa bush. We're not even branches, it was.
It was.
It was terrible. So when we he had the tree, I had the tree, and I was being totally rebellious and defiant and controlling and totally unsubmitted. It really did hurt me though, and he couldn't hear me. If this is what you want, and our agreement is, I'll get you what you want for Christmas. He had a beautiful canora. I had wonderful flowers, I mean candles. I had the basket for the Zawa. I had everything for his Kwansa. I didn't ask him what you know. I didn't complain about how much I want this eighty dollars Christmas tree, and when he didn't buy it, and the ego took over it myself. So we had these two Christmas trees in the house. I decorated both. But when I saw his face, when he saw that tree I had bought, I not only saw his face, I felt the only word I can think of is destruction. It destroyed something in him that broke my heart. And we never recovered. We never recovered from a freaking Christmas tree.
And I mean because at the end of it, it boiled down to you felt like he dismissed how you feel and you weren't heard, and he felt like you didn't respect him.
Absolutely, Oh I'm clear about that. But it taught me. It taught me how to contain my alpiness. And it taught me because see, I could have got that Christmas tree in the bed. If I had been conscious, I would have worked that bedroom. Them sheets, pillow cases, the bed cover everything. I would have had that tree. And it's mama.
And that's the thing that a lot of women do not understand. Your feminine energy is power. Power doesn't simply mean you have to do everything the man says. Power means you can dictate certain things by turning up your feminine energy a few more notches, and that feminine energy is just the biggest thing that women can learn to tap into everywhere that would get them so much more out of life.
Are you married this No?
So no, I'm not married.
And for all of the single women, you want to be available. When you your intuition kicks in and you start where can they find you? Just in general in life, where do people go to find.
They go to Stephans dot com. They give f all my books and links to the YouTube and everything.
Like you're on tour now, you're naming your tours Heal my People.
Right, I'm on tour with the Bobby Price to Heal my People tour talking about relationships, trauma, you know, eating right, just overall health and just trying to get people on that better path.
Because twenty twenty four is an eight year power and everything that we everything's going to be intensified. Your dysfunction, your trauma, your power, your money, your purpose, everything is going to be intensified in twenty twenty four. So I'm really glad that you're here. I thank you for taking this time. I'm too old for you, so even if your intuition tells you, I'm the one tell your intuition you can't obeg. I thank you for being here. Thank you as an elder, as a ya yay, as a grandma. I want you to know that you've got somebody praying for you.
Thank you.
I appreciate you work, I see you on purpose, and I'm just so excited to be able to have this intergenerational conversation. You know, I could probably be your mother's mother. I know I look fly and everything, so please know that and know that anytime you need me on shoulder to cry on inside information, I'm just a call away. Appreciate this has been the our spot. I've had the most absolutely glorious time with my guests, Stefan, not for one session, but for two. I don't know what y'all got out of it. I really don't even care. I do hope you do. Remember the independently roaming Penis and China. Those are the teachings that happen when you have a human base rather than a spirits based relationship, when you're leaning on your trauma instead of on your accountability and your responsibility when you're being in your human as opposed to in a higher purpose, and all of these things Stefan and I have talked about. Whatever you're doing, whatever you're in, whatever you're calling forth. In twenty twenty four, it is going to be intensified. So Stefan and myself and so many others of us out here want you to be in alignment in your relationship with yourself, your relationship with your creator, your relationship with your partner, your children, your parents.
And the earth.
So do the work, do the work, do the work, do the work, and get yourself in order. Yeah, because I want you to be in peace and not in pieces. I'll see you next time, writing on the R spote. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.