Iyanla has always wondered: How do men handle being cheated on? So for this week’s episode, she dives in deep with two men who have had their hearts broken by cheaters. The first caller has been dating a woman for a year and has never been to her house, and now she’s suddenly showing some worrying behavior. Iyanla’s second caller is debating going back to a partner who has cheated on multiple times. Iyanla warns: It’s a trick!
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I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher for salm and a soft place to fall for others. And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself enough to be able to share my love with other people. Welcome to the R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio Grand Rising. And Welcome to the R Spot, that place where we look into, dig into, investigate relationships, all things relationships. I am Yamla, your guide, your host, your support, the facilitator of consciousness that will support us all in creating more fulfilling, loving relationships in every area of our life. Well, I'm going out on a limb today. I'm calling forth and talking to the men. Although I know men always listen to the R Spot. I know because when I see them in the Walmart they tell me. But today I'm calling them forward and asking them to talk about something that I think may be a little challenging, difficult, uncomfortable for them. And that's how do men deal with heartache? Heartbreak? How do men deal with cheating? You know, women, we talk about it all the time. He did this, He did that. The woman call me I called her, The man called me. I called him. But how does the average man deal with heartbreak? Heartache? Betrayal that we call cheating? As women, when we feel that our partner, our loved one, has stepped out on us, we will cry, we will cuss, we will shop, we will do a major investigation. Have you ever done a major investigation just to prove what you already know is true? You know, following the car, digging in the phone, checking the emails. Women will do that. Do men do that? Women will call their girlfriends and talk bad about him? Do guys call their friends and talk bad about her? We will eat and eat, and eat, sometimes drink or smoke, engage in happy flowers, will do whatever is required to numb the pain, to dull the hurt. But today I want to know what men do. What do you do when you discover that the person you're with is cheating, is betraying your trust? What do you do? Does it hurt you? Does it send you shopping? So today we are gonna talk to the men. I want to know how they deal with heartache, heartbreak. I want to know what they're learning. I want to know if they know that they're learning. I want to know so that as women we get to hear it and have another consideration, because sometimes I think women don't think that men feel. We're gonna find out different. Today, here's my first caller. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the our spot. Today, I want to talk about how men deal with heartache, heartbreak, betrayal when they find out that the one they love is stepping out on them. So what do you bringing to the table today.
Yes, ma'am, thank you. It's a blessing to be have this opportunity to speak with you. Well, I've been dating a sister for about a year, a little over a year, and we've been known each other for about one and a half three years, even contemplated marriage. Everything going pretty good except for about the last four months. Been a lot of agitation, a lot of tense energy coming from her. Things of that nature. Now, she does have a past far as trauma, things of that nature. She talked about things growing up in her childhood. She didn't grow up with a mother, She grew up with a great aunty. She became a widow. I think after about four or five years, maybe about six years of marriage, she became a widow. Her husband was boundly killed. Then she got in a couple more relationships, had two more children by two different men who cheated on her and did all kinds of things. And it's been times where the tension would come up and I'd be like, you need to talk to me, communicate, and she will be like, no, I'll fix it myself. You're not here to fix me, you know. So I make a long story short, everything's going good. So probably about four months ago and miss tension started right And then I noticed a pattern. She would go out with a friends, or she might have an event, and it always would be a Saturday, and I would hear from her maybe four or five o'clock in the afternoon, and then maybe right before she goes out, you know, maybe eight or nine, and then I wann't hear from her no more that night until the next morning. Now she has keys to my loss, not come home. So her excuse would be was that she got a little tipsy, she just went home with a friend. I would brush it off, you know. Then one incident, we were in my car and when you do plug your phone up to my car, which is after play text messages, and seems like that will pop up on the screen. So she had one text message from a guy name Chocolate Jack.
So I was like, okay, Chocolate Lumberjack.
Yes, so I asked, I was like, who is Chocolate Lumberjack. She wouldn't tell me none of my business because it's not because she said, that's her phone, not my phone. And I'm like, this doesn't make sense. How can you contemplate someone about marriage but you don't want to, you know. So anyway, that went on for about two three days. Then she finally said that my co parents, that's my baby daddy or whatnot. And it just still didn't sit right. And like I say, I've been knowing her for about two and a half maybe three years, but I've never set foot in her house. What never?
Yeah, And that threw me off. And I mean, I don't know. Maybe I'm just I'm I'm forty seven years old, and it's just like, you know, I know uh African American black women, us I'm an afric American black male.
I know the flight that we've been through. I know women who have been just toour minute through trauma. But me, trauma explains your behavior, but it doesn't make it an excuse. And she always uses her trauma as an excuse.
So you never met her children?
Yes, I made her children. Her children have spent the night at my house at my loss. Now I have a one bedroom lost, so they're making pallets on the floor. It's times I travel. I travel, and with my occupation, she has access to my part to my loss, and she will actually spend the night here with her children, won't even stay at her house. I know your episode, you know, is about men who she is on and trying to recover. But I'm in a state to where I'm like, I still I haven't caught her in the act, but things are just not adding up. Then again, I don't know. Maybe she's schizophrenic, bipolar, I don't know. But to me, I feel bad if I just cut her off. But at the same time people telling me like it doesn't add up.
Okay, let's stop here for a moment. I want you to just take a breath. I take a breath. You know, there's an ancient African proverb that says he who knows does not die like he who does not know. So I want to ask you, beloved, this is a hard one. This is a pearl for clutching is this woman betraying your trust?
Yes?
Yes, okay, and you want to marry her?
No?
No, okay, so you're acting like you don't know that you don't want to marry her.
But this came about such as Saturday, so it's I mean, to a bend. I was, but now it's kind of like the straw that broke the cameras back. Now it's like, no, I've even stressed it to her, like we cannot move on, but she's like, I'm projected, I'm making a bad decision. She's the best thing. You know, this and that, Oh.
Well yeah, that's the same thing. That's the same thing fried food will say to you. I'm good, I taste good, I look good. It's not gonna tell you that it's clogging up your heart arteries. If you could talk to a pizza fried chicken, it's not gonna tell you I'm making your arteries hard and getting ready to kill you. Right, So let me let me ask you this. First of all, thank you for your honesty. And I'm sure this can't be easy for you, but I want to work it down so that you don't die like you don't know. Okay, and die doesn't mean in your life. It means in this relationship, it means, you know, diminish your self worth. It means diminish your dignity, your pride. That's what I mean when I say die. So if you know the truth and you can make a conscious, powerful choice based on what you know, oh and you trust yourself, then you won't end up getting beat up, beat down and crazy. There's a lesson here. We'll get to that in a minute. Let me ask you this. Have you ever been cheated on before? Yes, oh you have been. Okay, so it might be a little hard for you to say, I cannot believe this is going on again, right right?
And then, like I say, the previous time, well it was not caught in the act, but you know, through takes, messages and through another second source and then it finally came out and see here is just it's like in my mind. And then she just tell me I'm projecting. That's your insecure you know, you know, things of that nature. And like I say, she will say that she didn't answer the phone because she would, you know, either incomplicated sleep or she she just wanted some time for her.
That's a lie. That's a lie. Stop it. Don't you know those are lies?
Yeah?
Okay, so stop acting like you don't know.
That, right. I concept that. But my thing is I hate being in limbo when she's trying to.
You're not in limbo. You're in denial. You are not in limbo. Stop it. I'm not going to participate in that with you. You are not in limbo. You are in denial. So let's let's dispense of her first and then we'll get to the lesson for you. Okay, Yeah, we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off. First of all, how does this make you feel to know that somebody you considered marrying is betraying your trust, is being dishonest, and is violating your relationship again, your relationship with them. How does that make you feel?
It's it's very crippling.
What does that mean as far.
As emotionally it makes m I'm I'm I'm an electrical contracted by trade, I do community service, I have a youth mentorship group, and I'm also a full time student. And it is so emotionally that it drains me from being able to what I say. The past couple of days because since the last incident, which was Saturday till Sunday morning, it's just I cannot function because I'm constantly thinking about what did I do wrong?
You know?
Am I wrong? So it's just this this conundrum going on in my head where I cannot figure out what is going on. I can't perform as far as schoolwork.
Tell me, why? Why is this crippling you? Because even if she's not cheating, even if she's not cheating, there are so many red flags that you are justifying. The issue is not what she's doing, beloved. The issue is what you're doing to yourself. Even if she's not cheating, you don't trust her. You know she lies. She's telling you it's none of your business. Oh no, you've never been to her house. How are you justifying never going to her house, never sitting down at her kitchen table and having a meal, never sleeping in her bed. How do you justify this? This isn't about what she's doing, It's about what you're doing. And my question is why why are you doing this to yourself?
I guess far as.
It's being at forty seven, you know you you want.
Somebody I don't want to fail again. I don't want to fail again. Does that land for you?
Yes?
Yeah, take a breath, Take a breath. I could be totally wrong, totally wrong. Please hear me. I don't have no investment in being right here, but I really sense two things going on. That you want it so bad you're willing to accommodate anything to get it. You want somebody so bad that you're willing to accommodate anything to get it. And in doing that, you diminish yourself. You diminish your worth, you diminish your dignity, you diminish your self respect. And then when you do that, you attract people who will support you in diminishing your value, diminishing your worth, diminishing your dignity, and diminishing your self respect. Yes, what are we gonna do with mischeat to cheata punkin eater? What we're gonna do with her? Let's get her out the way? Did you get your keys back?
Yes, ma'am?
Okay, so good, you've denied her access.
Well, I've actually you know, made up in my mind, and then with this conversation is totally reassured me that we're not compatible.
Period. That's it don't add nothing else to it. We are not compatible. She is not who I want. I want a woman who's honest, who speaks the truth. I want a woman who has at least some of her issues handled. I want a woman that's willing to let me into her life. This woman won't even let me into her home. We are not compatible. That's it. Don't go any further with the story, because you have a tendency to accommodate and excuse and rationalize people's bad behavior, probably based on what you saw your parents do and what you made up about it. We're not compatible, period. Yeah, block her number, block it, and not only not only take get your key from her. Change the lock, baby, Don't act like you don't know this woman can't be trusted. Change the lock. I'm serious about that, because you don't know if she has another key, and whether she's cheating or not cheating, whether the lumberjack is laying logs or whatever, because that's what lumberjacks do exactly, they lay logs. And so you all are not compatible, period. Doesn't mean that there's not a woman out there for you. She's not it, right, and I really want to support you and not diminishing yourself as a man by accommodating that. Simply because you want somebody, I got somebody for you. I give you a couple of names and numbers good women, good spiritually grounded women, because that right there, right when we clean up some things in there, you will draw to you. Trust me, hear me?
Can you hear me, ma'am?
There are hundreds of thousands of women out there looking for you. They are I talk to them all the time. Now you can get one from twenty five to fifty two. But you got to clean yourself up. You got to clean yourself up. And this thing of looking at something, looking at something and excusing it, rationalizing it again, no heat, no judgment, no you know, put down probably comes from what you saw going on with your parents. So you got to create a whole new structure, all right. Also, this thought about I don't want to fail again and I can't have what I want. Those two things we gotta kind of whittle those down. I want somebody who treats you well. You want a woman that's going to allow you to be the spiritual leader. You want a woman that's bringing something to the table. And you want to be able to be at the table. I mean a year and you ain't been to this woman's house. That's crazy. You know, she could be living with somebody for you know, but we're not going into that. She's done. Let me hear you say, I'm done with her.
I'm done with her?
Are you sure?
I'm sure?
How are you going to communicate to her that you're done? Because it's not just walk away. I want you to have your dignity and be in integrity. I want you to know that you can stand up for yourself and say no. So one, how are you going to communicate to her that you are going to that you're done? This is it? I'm over, I'm done, I'm.
Done or I'm tired. I can't take no more or the blatant disrespect. It's the uncertainty, you know, just you know, don't I can't do the randomnession, you know?
Can I offer you a more empowering language than I can't take, because that's like she's done something to you. I want you to I really want to support you in standing up for yourself within yourself and simply creating a boundary and saying no so as opposed to I can't take I'm not choosing to be in a relationship with a woman I can't trust a woman who tells me it's none of my business, a woman whose house I've never been to. Just speak your true reality, you know, speak your experience, not I can't take. I'm not choosing that for myself, because choice is power. I'm not choosing this for myself. You got too much going on, and you don't have to save a whole. You know what save a whole is the captain save a hole. I'm coming in to save a hole to that. No, no, no, you're not the Indian chief to say, Okay, that's not your job. She got issues, she dealing with them. No, no, no, so let her go. And I'm not calling her a whore or demoralizing her. That's just to say, you know, I'm not demoralizing her in any way because she's my sister and she's probably a youngin to me, so I'm respecting her. I'm not talking to her or about her. I'm talking to you. Done done by? When are you going to change your lock?
So as I get through it lest I'm going to load.
And you haven't failed. You've learned how to stand up for yourself within yourself, create a clear boundary and say.
No next, thank you, thank you much, blessing.
Thank you for calling beloved. I wish you luck.
Yes, ma'am, thank you very much.
Okay, bye bye. One of the greatest mistakes that we can make in any relationship, loving, intimate relationship, family relationships, friendships is acting like we don't know what we know. We know it, we know it. Certain things come to you. It comes to you as a thought, it comes to you as a feeling. Sometimes life will play the scene out in front of you. But if we don't have the physical evidence, if we don't catch the person with their pants down around their ankles, or if we don't hear it or see it, we act like it doesn't exist. Listen, he who knows does not die like he who does not know. Know what you know. Know what you know, and don't get into the person's psychosocial history about what they gonna do if they tell your truth, whether or not they're gonna agree with you. Know what you know, and make the choice to take a stand for yourself within yourself and create a clear boundary. It's just that simple. Greetings, we love it, and welcome to the art spot. Today we're talking about how men heal betrayal, cheating, being let down. So I want to know what you're bringing to the table.
I've been in relationship for six years and I used to internalize when my ex cheated on me.
I internalized it for so many reasons, such as.
Such as I didn't know if I was doing anything wrong or right. He wasn't vocalizing why he cheated, He wasn't there himself mentally. I kept doing all the works in a relationship, and I know it takes two. But for the for the six years that I was in a relationship, permitted relationships, he cheated so many times that I didn't give up. I had to put my foot down.
You mean you created a boundary. You created a boundary and said no, this is unacceptable.
Yeah. I internalize it because I thought I was doing a lot of I thought I wasn't meeting him where he was that and overextending myself making sure he was okay like I was. His father wasn't like you know, as a little as a child, I would grow up in foster care. It's like those protective factors from myself, I kicked them at a young age so I'm always the caring type of person, but it's like I've never had that received, like reciprocated. So I'm doing all of the nurturing. We're not needed the nurturing as well, you know, I need to reciprocate it, like it's a two way street.
If I'm hearing you, in your six years of relationship with this person, there were multiple betrayals of your trust.
Yes, yes, that's actually because.
Cheating isn't just about the sex or sleeping with somebody. It's being careless with someone's heart. Yeah, that's really the core of cheating. It's dishonoring or violating an agreement or a commitment. Okay, so he wanted an open relationship. Is that what I'm hearing you say.
In a sense, But he couldn't vocalize.
That, but you got the impression. Is that what you wanted?
No?
Okay, so he wanted something you didn't want, so you want? You said, why he cheated because he wanted something that you didn't want. He wanted more partners than just you, and that's not what you wanted, right, So you answered that question, why did he cheat? Because you and him don't want the same thing? How about that. Yes, I mean that's simple.
I internalized that. I'm like, why am I good enough for somebody? Well? Him, he's known it for so long, and it was just like, you know, you were in a committed relationship, but clearly he cheated like too many times when I internalized it. So with that, I feel like, that's all I knew.
But you were repeating your history of growing up in foster care, where you could be left that any minute, moved at any minute, taken away from what you knew at any minute when you didn't know you could trust where you were. You were simply repeating your history because probably what you wanted was a stable, permanent home, and you didn't get that, so you may have a belief that you can't have it. So in your relationship, you may have been recreating what you knew. Then we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Now, where is the relationship now? You and he?
Yeah, the relation here right now. He reached out the other day and we started talking and he apologized, and I you know what I wanted that closure. We were broken up for about a whole entire year. I was okay with that.
What does that mean? I was okay with that.
I was okay with that because he apologized and it seemed like within a whole year he was to change. Just but it's only been one day.
You know, it's a trick. It's a trick, and the trick is not on him. The trick is on you. The trick is whether or not you are going to continue in a relationship who wants something different than what you want. If you were going to continue, this is another foster home, baby, He's just another foster home and you've been in that foster home before, so you're going to go back.
It's a hard decision because she's all I know right now.
I hear you, I would be interested to know. You say you're internalizing. What does that feel like? What are you feeling right now?
I feel alone that nobody understands me, you know, I know, it's just like alone to a point where I'm in a house and if I go outside and people are just random people are trying to talk to me, I feel like, oh, they're against me, Like you know, like people can smile and it will make me smile, But what comes with that smile from that person, Why do they smile at me? It's just like, I don't even know these people from a can't paint, so with me, internalizing what other people do is like making me sant offiicient of sense.
And that's that's so common to people with your history, people who've been passed around in foster homes and who've been left by their parents. That's that's common. That's natural. So don't make it something that you you know that's specific to you or personality you. That's a common human response. I get that, and I also hear that that is one of the reasons that you would consider being back in relationship with the person who wants something different than you do, the person who has betrayed your trust, the person that's been careless with your heart. But you're going back into that. You're willing to go back into that because it's familiar at least you know it. But here's the danger of it. If you don't know what's going to be different this time, and you go back into it and the same thing happens again, you're going to beat yourself mercilessly, mercilessly because some part of you knows better telling you it's a trick, not even a trick, it's a test, and it doesn't have anything to do with him. Yourself, your higher self, your true self, is saying, are you you willing to do it different? Don't go to what's familiar, be willing to be with yourself until you can clean up the stuff. That's what Jahiah self is saying to you. And I hear you. I hear you asking for support, for help, for a safe place to fall, that you can work this through. So even if you want to go back to him, you want to go back to him different. I heard you say he's different, But are you different? Are you different? Are you are? Do you have clear boundaries? Are you going to say no? Are you going to respond differently? So it's not about him now, it's about you. You deserve to be heard, You deserve to be supported, You deserve to be loved. You deserve that. But in order for that to happen, you have to say no to the things that aren't loving, aren't kind, aren't respectful, aren't honorable. It's not about what the other person does, beloved, It's about what you do. Because only you can create the vibration, the energy, the environment, the container for people to come into you, come into your life and treat you well. You deserve to be treated well. But I really want to encourage you to recognize that you said the word closure. So after a year, your ex called you and apologized, and you can receive that. Let it be that. Let it be that because the broken, wounded, lonely, persecuted part of you will entertain going back to that because it's familiar. It's just another foster home, and you know that your time in a foster home is limited. You know that, right right? Get you together first, and then if you want to consider going back to him, you'll be different. No matter what he's done or hasn't done, you'll be different. Tell me what you know now that you didn't know when you called. Tell me something you know now.
It's got beating myself up to give myself some credit. Yeah, that was closure. And don't fall for that trick like that. That's what it is. It is a trick and a trick to me to fall back and to fall victims of it. And I shouldn't. I'm not. It's like I can't.
I choose not to. That's what I choose not to. Yeah. Yeah, choice is power. Choices power. Yeah. I love that you said give myself some credit. I love that. That's really good. Yes. I also encourage you to know that a permanent loving home, permanent loving relationship is a possibility where you can get what you want and you can be who you are and you won't be misunderstood or persecuted. That's possible when you are vibrating there, when you are believing that, when you are holding that, it'll come to you. Your relationship is difficult because you're human and as humans, we're crazy as hell. We're crazy as hell. And you want to uplevel your frequency so that you can attract what you want. How about that? Yes, all right, so we're going to get your frequency up leveled. Okay, thank you for Colin, have a great, great day, alrighty b bye. The human mind has a negativity bias. It just does all humans. We will remember the negative quicker than we can assess and stand in the positive, and as a result of that, we will attract and create an energetic frequency that attracts more of what we say we don't want. Whenever you are leaning into the familiar, whenever you are leaning into what you already know and defying, defying yourself. You had it for trouble. You had it for trouble. And it doesn't matter if you're straight or gay, or black or white, or rich or poor. If you're human, you're crazy, just like me. Let's see our spot for today. Thank you for tuning in. In the meantime, stay in peace and not pieces. I'll see you next time. Bye. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.