In this episode, Iyanla delves into the controversial yet juicy topic of hall passes. What does it mean to allow your significant other the freedom to explore outside the relationship? Our caller doesn't think she'd give her husband a hall pass but admits there is a third party already in their relationship. Then, Iyanla and friends discuss how to approach the conversation, the potential benefits and pitfalls, and the difference between hall passes and cheating.
Do you want to be on the podcast? Follow Iyanla on social media for the latest call-in information!
Instagram & X: @IyanlaVanzant
Facebook: @DrIyanlaVanzant
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the R Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome to the R Spot. I am Yamla, your host, your guide, your posse as we walk through this incredible, incredible mind field. It is a mind am I NDI field and it's a mine am I end field of questions, challenges, issues, revelations, and that field is the area of relationships. Relationships. We've got all kinds of relationships that we talk about, and today we've got a really juicy, juicy topic and I'm really excited about this, and we're gonna do it a little different. We're gonna have a conversation. Here's what I know. Relationships have changed, or shall I say, people have changed, and therefore how we look at how we approach, how we live in relationships that has changed. Because there's some things going on in the relationship field right now that in my day when I was growing up, not only would they send you straight to hell, they'd be an offense to the Lord, and you would just burn up like a crisp. Things like thrumples, things like same sex relationships. You didn't talk about that stuff out loud. And now not only are people talking about it and doing it, it's on social media. Oh my goodness. But relationships have changed, and I think that's because we have changed, and yet we're still trying to live in this paradigm that obviously is not working. Now, we know relationships are a place that we go to learn to grow, to heal. So the question that I put on the table today is would you give your partner a Hall pass? If your partner came to you and said, listen, I see someone. I'm a little curious. We'd love to just explore, investigate. I want a one day Hall pass or a one week Hall pass. Would you be willing to give your partner a Hall pass to investigate? And what would you tell yourself about the request? What would you tell yourself about doing it? I mean, is it a violation of the relationship, is it cheating with them asking you be offensive? Would you see it as something they're doing to you or something they're doing for themselves? And would you prefer that they lie and sneak around a hall pass? Maybe it has nothing to do with sex. What if it's just breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Do you think that it's gonna go further? And do you trust your partner to honor the request? I just want a hall pass to investigate or what if you needed a hall pass? Would you be willing to ask for one? Because relationships are not the way they used to be. One man, one woman, two cats, a dog and four kids. It's not like that anymore, and we keep trying to live that way. So today I want to have a conversation. In addition to having some guests, I want to have a conversation about the hall pass and the changes in relationships. Greetings, how are you welcome to the R spot? Today? We are talking about would you give your partner all pass? Would you put restrictions on it? Or would you just be okay with whatever they wanted to do?
Hi?
Doctor Allah?
Hi? How are you?
Oh?
I'm doing good.
It's so good to hear your voice again.
It's wild.
Yeah.
I will not give Curtis.
A hall path?
Why not? Why not?
Because I wouldn't want to share I wouldn't want to share him right, and and to me, I feel like, to me, the relationship wouldn't be the same because if if I'm all about you and I'm committed to you, and you and you're committed to me, why would we bring a third party into it? If that if that's something that we do, or if that's our lifestyle, that's different. But if we're admitted to each other, I wouldn't want to I wouldn't want to do that. I think it would to me, I think it would ruin the relationship.
Well, what if it's just curiosity? What if rather than sneaking around lying he said, you know, I met someone I've seen someone like to take them to dinner, maybe out to the movies. I don't know what else will happen, but I want to haul pass.
Hmmm. I would say, let's go ahead and th off of the divorce and be done with him, because I want my own man to myself. Can I share something with you? The anti I call you? AIN'TI right?
Right?
I found men attractive, It's been it's been recent. I found some years back. I would look at our men and I never paid no attention. I just thought they were wonderful and exude confidence, as Pastor Marcus would say, you know, confidence, And they were wonderful and their fruits and the way they live in the world, and how great they are and amazing they are. But I just recently started attention these last two three, three four years to how amazingly handsome men are.
Because at first, I would.
You know, how you know, how you at the store or you're out and about and you see clearly see a handsome man. But I would not just stare at them. I would look at them and notice them, and you know, I would in passing and just keep going. Now I actually look at men and notice how.
Handsome they are.
I don't know what's going on with me. I'm paying attention to how good looking men are. What is that all about?
Well, I don't know. Maybe you need a hall pass. Maybe you need to ask Curtis Fall Would you ask Curtis? Would you ask Curtis for a hall pass if you saw a handsome man at the supermarket and you just wanted to have a conversation, because see, you're assuming that the hall pass is going to lead to sex. It may just be a conversation. It may just be like I said, curiosity.
Curiosity.
Yeah, so you're saying you were asking me if I would ask Curtis if I.
Could have a hall of halb. Yes, just nodmn you no, ma'am.
As as attractive as I find other men, and the way I'm finding them attractive these days I made, I would be afraid, oh my god, something else came up. I would be afraid that if you can already find someone attractive on the phone, can you imagine that chemistry in person? Yes, I can, right, I would be afraid that I would want to see them again.
I'm going to send you some love and light. Thank you so much, Thank you, thank you. Alrighty bye bye. So I've got some guests with me. Okay, We've got Dava, who's a fifty something. We've got z who's a forty something. We've got Kay who's a twenty something. And then you've got me, old as dirt, been married three times twice to the same person. So obviously I can't get this thing right. But the real interesting part is I got some men. I've got mister Steve, who's married and has a really good perspective, and I've got mister Mike, who's not married, but is engaged, and he probably has been around a little bit and has some perspective. So I want to thank all of you for being here. Let me hear your perspective and listen. Davia has also had the experience of a same sex relationship, so it's not just about men and women. I want this soup to be cooked up with every spice we can put in it. Okay, let me start with the men. Okay, mister Steve, would you give your partner a hall pass if she asks for one, or if you needed one, would you ask for it?
I think by the time someone asks you for a haul past, they've decided that this is going to happen. So the question really is are you comfortable with the direction that your relationship is now about to go. It is not a question that is asked in a vacuum. It is not a theoretical question. If by the time your partner has spoken that they want to engage in a relationship of some type that they know is outside of what might feel platonic and or safe, they've likely got a person or process in mind. So the question is not whether or not you would give it. It's whether or not you would accept where you are. In order for a relationship to truly enter into the beautiful stage, you have to ask yourself, am I prepared to stay in the relationship while my partner grows beyond what I met and they grow into themselves? Am I prepared to engage in the most uncomfortable parts? And am I prepared to say yes to this question? Will I stay after my partner does the thing that I said that I would never put up with? Because that's what marriage really does. Marriage challenges you on what your own values are, what you will and will not accept. There's a reason why there are over forty million people on Ashley Madison. You're talking about forty million people who have said that they are married, but who are actively engaged in what my be considered a hall past. And so if I were asked, then I would know that is game time, is go time, This is happening, and I have to decide if this is something that I am interested in and I'll finish here one of the things you said, and I agree with it, and I also will want to push on it. We say that relationships are new, I don't know that they're new. I don't know that there's anything new in the human experience. I think what is newer is the access that we have to the internal rough drafts of people's thoughts. Meaning social media in many cases is a rough draft. It's not a letter that you write and then you rewrite and you decide where you're going to send it. It's sometimes an undeveloped thought. But we're also on social media in such a way that it's with us always. We're experiencing it. And I think that you know, too, many of us have grandmothers and grandfathers and aunts and uncles who we meet cousins along the way. Right, We don't need to just go to Professor Gates to find out what our lineage is. Some of us at funerals are finding out that, you know, our uncle had another family. This is not new. The news is that people are trying to have a conversation about it as it's happening. But you can't have an over fifty percent divorce rate over forty million people on ACTIY Madison in particular, and then not think that it's not hall passes. It's an open school. The halls are open.
The halls are open.
So I don't think many of us have choices. I think we need to decide the only choice we have is if we're comfortable.
Now, Dave, does a hall pass necessarily mean sex? What if the person just wants to go out and have lunch or dinner or just conversation, and rather than lying and sneaking around, they come and say, can I have a hall pass? I want you to know that I want to talk to this person. And is the hall pass for one night? You know? Lutha said, if only for one night? A Frankie bever Frankie Beverly said after the morning after, you.
Know, for me, it would be it would be about sex. Because number one, if we're solid and healthy, we're grown, go have dinner with somebody, right, Go have lunch with somebody that that shouldn't even require a conversation other than this is where I'm gonna be and this is who I'm gonna be with, right, just to keep somebody in the loop. Now, if you're saying like, oh, I'd really kind of like to start this little relationship with them, and I'm feeling them and they feeling me. Now we're talking about like, okay, we're moving into a polyamorous relationship. So I think a hall past, you know, really a hall pass by the sort of common definition is that it really is a one time thing. You can go from here to here and then come back right And would.
You give it with if your partner asked you for a hall pass?
You know, it's really funny. I was sitting here thinking about it, and I you know, it depends on the relationship. You know, my last relationship, you know, we had very different sex dribes, and I really you know, at some point I would have hoped she would have had a hall passed. I think given I want to shoot for because I just you know, it was like, here, go take this, and you know, I'm secure enough in myself that I understand that that doesn't necessarily reflect on me. Now here's the other piece of that truth though, what I recognized about it, and knowing where I was in the relationship at the time, it just would have been a band aid to prolong the inevitable, okay, because at that point, you know, the issues that we had in our sex life were because we had issues of our trust life, and so you know, it would have been a symptom and it would have but it would have allowed me to stay in it longer. Yeah, you know which, again, in the greatest scheme of things, isn't that healthy? I don't think so. And at this point I just you know, look, if we're not trying to do that and be a totally solid team like that, then go do what you're doing, or let's redefine the terms of the relationship.
We're going to continue this conversation. Hold on, stay tuned, we'll be right back. Welcome back to the hour spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
One of the things I think that she said, I think is important is this could be the opening of a bigger conversation, a really special watershed moment where two people start getting real because one of the reasons why people cheat is because they just wanted to be heard. You start off as a conversation with somebody at work, somebody at the gym, somebody at church mosque, and a god, somebody in their proximity on to train somebody to must stop. They had something that they wanted to say at the crib and they couldn't get anybody who listened to them. And then they came and someone noticed that look on their face of consternation, and they said you are right, And that question alone was like no. And the person who asked that question unlocked the door to inner sanctum of that person's person and the person that they care about. They also had been given access to the key, and they, for whatever reason, punched it on them. They said, you know what, I'm going to pass on it. So that person who answered the call, who unlocked the inner sanctum, who came in and asked the questions and began a conversation, they get access to an intimacy that the other person cannot.
Now forgive me, But I just have I have a whole thing about cheating. I don't even know how people define cheating, because for me, it's about integrity, it's about honesty, it's about commitment. So you can't cheat on me and cheat on yourself. Now, what you can do is lie to me. What you can do is violate your own personal integrity. What you can do is betray my trust. But you can't cheat on me. That is just too too minor of a word. But I hear what you're saying. Most people want to be heard, and sometimes in our intimate relationships we do that thing of taking each other for granted. Stop listening. Let me go to the twenty year old that we had, the fifty year old and the old geezers over here. That would be you and me, mister Steve. Well, let's go to let's go to the youngest young Miss k. Miss Kay is a late twenties, so we gonna let her talk for the late twenties and the early thirties. If your partner asked you for a hall pass for a day, or you get to define the terms of it, what would you say.
I feel like I would be more interested into why he feels like he needs it, more interested in like, is there something you're not getting in our relationship, because that's not the terms of our relationship where me and you, you and me and that's it. But if you feel like you need a hall pass, why.
I'm just curious. This person has just sparked some curiosity in me. I'm not saying I want to sleep with them, but I also know if that happens. I want you to know I'm not gonna lie and sneak around. It's nothing wrong with you. I love you, you are my boot. I'm coming home, but I just want to investigate this. It's just something that I feel I.
Want to do then I think he should.
And would you give the hall pass?
I would?
And I want to know what you learned and what you discovered. If it's definite that you coming home and you aren't going to lie to me or do anything that you're you know anything extra than what you're telling me, then go do it. Go discover that. I want to know what you find.
But I don't know. I want the hall pass because I don't know what's going to happen. It may it may not happen. But I want you to know. This is what I'm up to. This is a one time deal, a one shot deal, and I want you to know.
I feel like because I'm young, I feel like you should go discover it. Like I'm not married.
Suppose you saw something that tickled your interests and your curiosity, would you ask your partner for hall paths?
No?
Why not? Why wouldn't you ask your You're not married? Why wouldn't you ask your partner for hall paths?
I just don't think I will allow myself to do that. I rather be single and mingle rather than be in a relationship and see what else is out there? Okay, And I feel that way because I've only been with one person ever in like a relationship, and so if I'm looking elsewhere, and I think that I should just give myself the freedom to do so.
Mmm yum to the young young, thank you. Let me let me go on over here to the forty something, because you know you right in the middle, you at that pivotal point forty you stepping into your real womanhood. You know, a woman ain't a woman until she's forty and the boobs fall down, because that's when it gets real. Okay. Would you give your partner a hall pass knowing that your boobs have fell down?
Today? No?
I would not. When I wass a I would have, But today no, because you know I'm in a relationship and we have best of time, we have commitments with one another, And I too would want to know what's the reason for needing the hall pass? Is there something that you're lacking? Is there something that I need to shift to support us or to support you? And I would appreciate though the conversation, knowing that you desire a hall pass, knowing that you are wanting to explore. I believe that it creates space for me to adjust and fulfill the need that's missing, if there is one, but to also just know where you are and to speak to what mister Parry said, also being able to accept that this is where we are and can move forward and move beyond it, and then what's required to do that. But also I think it's it can be very contingent on circumstances, right, So if I was unwell and able to physically fulfill his needs, I would be open to him going out and giving him a hall pass. So I think the certain circumstances or conditions of the relationship, you could sway me one way or the other. But it would really have to be I am physically unable to fulfill his needs, and then I would be open to it. But if we're good and he's saying that he's satisfied, and I'm what he desires and what he needs, I would not be open to the whole past.
This is one of the questions that I think there is no right answer. There is no wrong answers, only what's best for you in this pursuit of happiness. If it's not something you're interested in, don't do it. If it is, then you do it. Our problem is that we spend too much time trying to convince somebody to do something that they do not want to do, and we have to accept that, like the most beautiful tree or the smallest shrub, they grow in the directions that they grow, and a shrub can't be a tree and a tree can't be a shrub. And we run into trouble and relationships when we expect our trees to be shrubs and our shrubs to be trees. When we expect our person who's not a monogamous person to be monogamous, and we expect the person's who's polyamorous to be something different well to be monogamous. So I think that what happens, though, is that people, especially people have been in relationships a long time, start to recognize that there are too many lies going on around them. And if you if you've been in relationships for a relationship for a long time, or you've been on earth for a long time, you start to recognize that so many people are lying to themselves and each other. And I think that it is a bad idea to convince someone who says no, I wouldn't do it, that you should do it. And I think that it is silly to try and convince someone who wants to do it that they shouldn't, And that's where the problem lies. So many people, when they get to that place where they bring this up to a person that they loved, are met with if you loved me, you wouldn't ask for this, and that's exactly.
What I was.
That's absolutely wrong. Love has nothing to do with the development of a person. A person develops into who they are, and I appreciate the notion that one could change who they are to satisfy a person if that was the issue satisfaction. But if we've been in a relationship with someone up to this point, and we've been having conversations up to this point, and that which I'm asking for is not here, it doesn't mean that I don't want to be here anymore, but there's something outside of this that I am asking for. On the same token, if I'm saying I want to close shop, then I want to close shop, and I don't want to have a conversation about that, and I don't want to be told that if I loved you, then I will let you do something that I diametrically am opposed to. I think the real question is how do you find people or a person who agree with your pathway to the pursuit of happiness. The happiest people are the ones who are traveling with people who want to go where they're going at the speed that they want to go.
Mister Mike, another forty something here, would you ask for a hall pass if you wanted to explore, examine, and investigate.
I would not personally. That would not ask for a hall pass personally because that is not the that is not the terms of our relationship that I agreed upon. It's something that's changed and I need to explore something or someone different, then that's a conversation. Being honest is more important than anything, in my opinion. So if you decide to the honesty part is what I appreciate what you said before. If we can have a conversation and mel through this issue or mel through this uh situation together, that brings us closer, That brings us tighter. But I don't I don't understand. I think a hall past is going to solve the issue. I think that's the way out. I think that's an excuse not to work hard. If it's something you're missing relationship, If this is what you want to be with, somebody want to someone you want to bottle down with. Then get the trenches, let's let's get it done. Lets move forward. I think a Hall has an excuse to step out.
I started this out by saying things change, people change, people change.
So in the beginning.
This this is it. I love you, I still love you. I don't want to I don't want to lose you. I don't want to give up what we have, what we're working towards. But I you know, rather than lie and rather than sneak around, I want to go back to something David said. You know, it's a conversation. Uh, this is where I'm at, this is who I'm with. Maybe not ask for the Hall past, but at what point do you give up your right as a grown adult with hander your arms to do something that you think you need to do for you, even if you're in a relationship.
At what point you don't right if you if you need to find something is for then you can go do something. You just have to close one door first.
For me, here's here's the thing for me, And this really opens a whole bigger can of worms. But the truth is most of us are not in relationship with each other, right, we in relationship with what you do and don't do, And things like hall passes and polyamory require a level of self awareness and consciousness and most importantly, honesty that most people don't exercise in relationships. Right, I'm gonna get with you because I'm sad that my daddy never left me. And what I really need from you is to be everything that I need to be in a man, at least what I make up a man would have been, and given me the thing. We don't tell that many times because we're not aware of it, and if we are aware of it, we don't speak those things, right. And so what happens is that our behavior interacts with the other one, right, a really solid I know who I am, you know who you are. Look, I just want to go and you know I usually I do like tacco Bell, but I want to hit it up Chipotle today. You are right with that, you know, like there's a world in which that can happen. But because number one, we're not really aware of the needs that we're filling very often or trying to fill with our relationships, then we have a hard time being fully honest in them. And the other thing is because of the scarcity that most people have with relationships in love, instead of getting into a relationship with who the person is as they are right now, you know, I would be with you exactly as you are for the rest of my life the way you are right now. What we do is we get in relationship with them and try and mold them in to who we want them to be, or who really who we need them to be. And then what happens is just what doctor Steve was talking about. Down the road, those mismatches become more and more evident, right because the truth is, I said I would get on this bus with you and go to here, but I really wanted to go over there. But I would rather be on a bus with somebody than to go where it was I was headed. And at some point that begins to break down. So you know, for me, it's getting down to that honesty piece. It's getting down to, you know, being aware enough to know really what you're doing in a relationship and what the needs you're trying to feel is. There's other people involved in these things, right, So you may not think it's a date, but does he think it's a date? Does she think it's a date? Because and that actually that happened to me about twenty years ago. I was I was dating this girl, and you know this guy just oh, no, he's just friendly, he's friend. Oh he's being friendly. I said, he gonna friendly you out to dinner. No, no, no, And the next thing you know, they're out to dinner. And sure enough she went out and I said, I'm telling you, this is a date for him. This is not a date. She came home red face talking about Yeah, he thought it was a date, you know, And so we have you have to be mindful what does the other person think? Because just because you want a hall pass, do they know you on a hall pass? Or do they think they're about to start something fun?
I think that's important. Let's let's look at everything that we've got in the soup right now, because we got potatoes and peanuts, we got hot sauce and tartar sauce, all of it. First of all, a hall pass, if you were to consider it, would it need to be specific time, date, place, location yes? Or no? Okay? Yes?
I need all the deats.
And you need them in advance. Is that accurate? Okay? I'm gonna ask you this, Z. Does a hall pass necessarily violate the original parameters of the relationship if it's not the discussed mister Mike, if your partner asks you for a hall past, does that necessarily mean to you that there's something missing or wrong in the relationship?
Yees?
Okay, So okay, this is this is good? David? Is asking for a hall past better than just cheating? And why?
Yeah? Well, I mean I think just what you said earlier, because one is about integrity, the other is about exploration, right, because if cheating is now I'm not here doing this, I've broken my agreements to you operating in secret. So I think asking for the hall past is better. Though, can you recover from the ask? Because there's just some questions once you ask them that can't have the bad You know, just just asking the question might be as bad as doing today.
I think not asking the question is even worse, right, because in a relationship you have to be able to communicate with your partner, so you hold it if it's a desire, and then you go without, which thing creates a bigger issue, a bigger challenge. So if you are not with someone that you can actually ask that question.
Now, does it raise some flags?
Yes?
Does it?
Could it potentially make you feel insecure that you're lacking something for your partner? Yes, But also knowing your partner and communicating is very important. So you have to be able to say, hey can I get a hall passed? Here's why? Or hey, I'm not fulfilled in this relationship? What do we do about that? Because I don't want to just go behind your back. I don't want to just step out on you. So how do we fix? How do we resolve? Are you open?
Are you with me.
Going out here getting my knees met and come home?
You know?
And I think that there has to be space for conversations like this in relationships. People have to be able to tell their truth and not being able to do that is what causes a lot of breakdowns and relationships.
Now, K, you're young, so I want to bring this one to you first. You're young, and you said, this is the first relationship you've been in. What if your partner is doing this not because there's anything wrong with you, but because they need to take care of themselves in this way? You know, I would ask that of the forties to fifties and old geezers like myself. This has nothing to do with you. This is what this person needs to take care of themselves and they want to be upfront and honest about it. I want to do this. How does that land for you?
I feel like then he should definitely go discover that. I definitely stand by that. Like, if this is something that you feel like you absolutely need to do for yourself, then you should do that. If I love you, then it means I stand by you doing what you need to take care of yourself.
Okay, I'm gonna put that to you too, mister Mike. What if it has absolutely nothing to do with you. What if this is what she needs to do just to fulfill herself.
Absolutely I would support that person or her and making herself better or fulfilling her knees that she needs that, she needs men, absolutely, but it also comes with consequences. You can do that. I will support you by doing that, but you can't be with me while doing that. That's all that doesn't like you need to support yourself. I honestly need to take care of myself, right, I have no problem supporting you doing that, but I gotta, I gotta, I gotta make sure I'm I'm good also, and I can't be good knowing you're with another man thing we'd together for me.
Miss C. Can you be good knowing that him being with another woman for breakfast, lunch, or dinner or rolling in the hay is what he needed for himself and he's honest with you, he tells you about it. Could you be okay with that?
I could learn to be okay with it, And for me, a lot of it depends on the circumstances. So if you are honest with me, and I'm clear that I have not been present or fulfilling your needs, then yes, if you have been honest with me and it has nothing to do with me, I don't think that I've ever left a man for cheating on me. I've left because they've lied and they've disrespected me.
So I don't feel like there.
Isn't room to recover from issues and challenges and relationships. So yes, I could move through it. But it's the integrity, it's the honoring of the commitment. It's the honesty that has to be in place, because if I can't trust you, and then that opens the door for another challenge, another issue that we'd had and.
We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot, Iami, young land boy, have we cooked up a stude to day? Would you give your partner whole pass? That means, would you just let him go out and run them up for a day, loose booty all over the place? Would you do it? Could you do it? And could you survive if they did it? That is the question or the r spat table, And it is juicy, juicy, juicy. So let me ask you this. So let me go to you, k because for me, you know, young'uns are doing some different stuff. I don't understand. When I was growing up, it was called polygamy where the man had one or two wives. But now it's called the thropple where there are two women and a man or two men and a woman. I don't see that one as much. Are you? Are you hip to those things? Young and over there, miss Ka.
I'm hip to it, but I'm not into it.
That's like that, that is a permission slip that ain't all.
Around.
Then if that's you know, I'm not going to be in a relationship with more than one person. I feel like that's a lot I got. I'm dealing with my own stuff. Three a couple of three. That's a lot.
Because we could consider that a hall pass is really just sanctioned cheating. Yeah, you're gonna cheat, and I'm gonna let you know, and then we don't get to deal with the challenges in our relationships. When I was married, and because this is what I know, I know that men are visual, They like visual things. They like to look. So whenever I saw my husband looking, I looked to see where he was looking because I wanted to know what does she have on? What does she look like? You know? And he's a he was a butt man. He wasn't a breast man or leg man. He was well actually was butt and legs he was. So I'm looking at her. That ain't nothing I can do about my legs, my little mocking bird legs that I have, and I cannot sing. There's nothing I could do about that. But I was also okay, well what does she have on? And here's my great cheating story. And this was not a hall pass because for me, there's a distinction between a hall pass and cheating. That's just for me. Like I said, I'm old, I've been around since you know, bread costs twenty five cents, so I don't know if my voteuts. But I was married in my house, minding my business. The doorbell rings and a younger woman and an older woman show up at my door. And the older woman says it introduced me, tells me who she is, and her question to me was, when are you going to sign the divorce papers because my daughter is, you know, engaged to Charles. That was my husband. He's dead, so I could mention his name and they can't get married because you won't sign the divorce papers. It was a sunny July day. I was hanging largely on the line and here comes a mother with her daughter to the wife of the man her daughter is seeing. Okay, you know what I did, I said, hold on one second. I went inside and pulled every piece of his clothes off the closet and put in a black plastic bag. Two or three of them dragged them to the door. I said, here, I'm not stopping you because for me, that was beyond the hall pass That was, like I said, a breach of integrity, a betrayal of my trust, and a broken commitment. Is that what a hall passes? Is it a betrayal of trust. Is it a breach of commitment? Is it just a violation of what the relationship is based on. If your partner word to ask you for a hall pass, mister Mike, I'm gonna start with you.
I think asking for the hall pass is the before you know what I mean. So that's that's the act of not breaching the uh of dourcumitment or not breaking our trust. I think that's the honesty part that is required, so you don't breach or break any rules. Come, come to your partner first, things are discussed between at home, Come to the union first, trusting within the union first, before you decide to make your own decisions. That's that's that's the point of a union, right. We come together to be one. So in us being one, we need to discuss what's going on so we can both be safe, so we both have a safe space to discuss what we want to do, what we need, how we want to do it, before we make a decision to do whatever you want to do.
David, you know, I see him as two distinct things. If it's not strong enough to withstand a question, you got bigger issues than a hall pass, you know, if I can't say to you, you know, this, this or that ran across my mind because minds do what minds do, you know, And if we can't have that kind of open conversation, I think we have bigger issues, you know. Again, for me, the cheating is you know, that's an integrity breach, you know, And that's that's one thing I can't tolerate. I really and honestly, I could do a physical hall pass much easier than I could an emotional hall pass because at the points you start to withhold your heart from me, that's not safe.
For me.
Booty is booty, you know what I mean. It's just you know, like really that that for me is the is the cheapest commodity in the relationship.
I'm gonna put that on the t shoot.
Sure, some.
Loose booty flying all over the place, but you know, for me, that's the lowest hanging fruit. That's the lowest hanging fruit on the thing. So I would I would this. I know some people will be horrified at this. I'd rather you you know, let somebody shot lift the pooty than than to to take a piece of your heart and withhold it from me and share it with somebody else that's for me is far more dangerous for me.
M Okay, is it easier for a woman to get over a man cheating than it is for a man to get over a woman cheating?
Mister Mike, In my opinion, yes, simply because women are very, very emotional and men are Most men are more physical than emotion. So just like, give a puns in your face, you're gonna put a bag of peas on it. You going the hill and let somebody break your heart? You know what I mean? You're you're sitting there crying and moving and little crawling all your girlfriend name want the lightest call on fire? And it's a lot a lot nobody.
All right, let's do some rapid fire here before we close. I'm gonna ask you a question as all you got to do is give me a one word answer. What pops into your heart? First? Okay? If your partner asks you for a hall pass, what would your first response be?
Deva, My answer would be huh. I would probably say yes, no, why?
Why?
All right? Next? Rapid fire? Is asking for a hall pass better than cheating? Or the same thing? Ze better better deva better better? All right? If your partner wants a hall pass? What does that mean to you?
Okay, something's not right, something must be missing.
It means we have to have a conversation.
Mike. Is it possible that a hall pass could be helpful to the relationship? Could it be helpful, mister Mike, Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. Would you ever ask your partner for a hall path? Ze? No Mike, no, okay no, David, all right, final rapid fire. What do you think is the most important thing in a relationship that could keep a hall pass from being necessary? Let me go to you first, mister Mike.
Communication, communication and communication, okay, the most important in every relationship man and women and women and women, women and son, son and daughter, and every single relationship there is so that exists. I think communication is the most important thing.
Okay, Okay.
Having a safe space is very important because it I feel like you have to be you have to feel comfortable enough to come have a conversation like that or about that.
Okay, Z what do you think friendship and communication? Because there are just some things that I will never do to my friend mm hm.
Wow, Davia.
First of all, honesty, like like honest, honest honesty, But more importantly in what's going on today, seeing each other, not being distracted by devices and outside influences, and accepting the person for who they are right now, not who you think they could be, because that leaves a lot of suspiciousness for people.
If I had to ask myself, would I give my partner a hall path, my first response would be tell me what you mean when you say that? That would be my first question. I would want a clear definition of what a hall pass is. Would I asked my partner for a hall past? Absolutely I would, because I'm old, I ain't got much time left, and if I see a trinket on the side of the road that I want to play with, I want to play with that trinket. O. No, would I asked my partner for a hall past? Probably not, probably not at this stage. But I would ask my part to be my hall past if there was something that I needed that I felt was missing, if there was something that we needed to explore and examine today and again at my age, it ain't gonna be too kinky, okay, but I would ask my partner to be my hall past.
So see, that's that wisdom, that's that wisdom. I mean, I love that you know, let's let's go on and pretend and you're going to be my hall past.
Let's do yeah, do you know dress up kinky or something?
I don't know.
I love that. And what do I think is absolutely missing from relationships today? And for me, it's trust, First of all, trusting yourself that where you are with the person you're with is exactly where you need to be. Trusting yourself that you have what it takes to create the relationship, that you want to be the person that you want to be, and also trusting the other person. For me, if if I can't trust you, then there's no reason for us to be together. I have to trust you with my heart. I have to trust you with my secrets. I have to trust you with my vulnerabilities. I think it was Kay that said a safe place you have to be my safe place to fall. And if that's not who you are and where you are, then a hall pass really isn't going to help us at all. So I think trust because when I trust you, I will share my secrets and I will share my heart, and I will tell you what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, what I need. So for me today, the thing that's missing is is trust. We do this kind of bartering and exchange of needs. You feel this need for me, I'll feel that need for you. You give me this, I'll give you that. You do this, I'll do that. And that is not how you build a relationship. So I want to thank my guests. I want to thank my callers. This has been a very well seasoned soup today. And for all of you you listening out there, really take this into a bigger conversation and listen. Maybe girlfriend gatherings, maybe take it to the barbershop. Would you give your partner a hall pass or would you ask for a hall pass? Do you think it's a good idea for partners to stay up front what it is they need, what it is that they're doing. Why would you want a hall pass? Do you think it's something missing in a relationship? Is it just curiosity? Why would you want a hall pass? And does your partner asking for a hall pass or you needing a hall pass mean that there's something wrong with the relationship? And as asking for a hall pass better than slipping around, slipping in the darkness, cheating, which would you rather have? Thank you for tuning in today. Oh wow? What an incredible conversation. I hope that you heard something that you can use in your life, something thing that will lift you up, something that will expand you, and something that will help you in your relationship. So I want to see you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace and not in pieces. Bye. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite show.