Iyanla’s caller this week is dealing with two major issues: An absentee partner and family members who are recently estranged. The caller recently lost her mother and during the months before the end, she went to take care of her. She now feels disconnected from the rest of her family, and in the meantime, her partner stayed at their home and never visited or supported her. While the caller is unsure how to repair the relationships, Iyanla is shocked to hear that she hasn't yet run for the hills.
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I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the fact that I was not always good at making my relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person. In other words, I have seen a lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I am here to share with you what I learned along the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Anytime we want to know the true state of our relationship, any relationship, whether it's your loving partnership, whether it's your relationship with friends, whether it's your relationship with siblings. Anytime you want to know the true nature of a relationship, assess, evaluate, examine what happens when you're facing a crisis. You know, there's a saying that if you want to know who somebody is, watch what they do when they're in hot water. Hot Water brings out the flavor like a tea bag. You know, if you really want to know that state, the condition, the true essence of any relationship, watch what happens when there's a crisis, a problem, a difficulty. That relationship is in hot water. Because then you're going to see the flavor of the relationship. You're going to see the true nature of it. And it doesn't mean you have to make anybody wrong. It doesn't mean that what has happened previously was bad. But pay attention to what happens when your relationship is in hot water. That's the situation my caller is facing today, and it's probably something that many of us have faced or walked through, but we don't pay attention. Today, We're going to pay attention. Welcome to the art spot. Now, what is your relationship challenge, issue or dilemma that we are going to nibble on today.
Oh, well, there's a couple of things you wanna I lost my mama on December twentieth, and I have been caretaking for her the la year now, and so the last five days of our life, my siblings came and sort of took over, and since she passed, I have no relationship with them. I'm the oldest of five. I had put my job on hold, my relationship on hold, everything in caretaking. So I feel well grief, of course, and I feel abandoned. And then in the relationship I haven't really been in. I feel like I don't even know if I should still be in it. So it's a lot of things and also recreating a life that I'm on hold and I don't I'm struggling, So I don't know if it's okay to reach out to you in this manner today, but yeah, I felt called to do so. Well.
I don't think you're struggling. I think you're grieving. You said you lost your mom just recently. It hasn't even been ninety days. No, So mother is really a condition of the heart. You know, our mother's really develop the energy of a So if you've been taking care of your mother for eighteen months, you know she really had her heart in the palm of your hand, no matter what your relationship was, but also providing care for her, being there for her. And it sounds as if you were doing it alone. Is that accurate.
That's accurate.
Yeah. So now she's gone and your heart is really trying to resettle again, and everything probably looks dismal because you're in the process of grieving. Yeah, you're in the process of grieving. There's really not a lot that you can do right now except take care of yourself. You don't have to worry about siblings, money, work, relationships. Okay, if anything, I would say that the place you can focus is on recreating, re established, reassessing your relationship with your partner, because that's a heart issue and you probably need a safe place to fall whether that relationship. Yeah, so where is your You said you put your relationship on whole. What does that mean and what does that look like?
Well, what it looked like is I was staying in my moms in a you know, different city, and then he was staying here. I'm back home, and so there wasn't really interaction. But now I'm back home and I'm grieving, and so he was ready to leave. Actually he had packed everything to go because I'm really I'm not present and so I don't even know if I should make a decision in that manner right now or not.
Help me, help me understand this. How long were you in this relationship? How old is your relationship with your partner?
For four years?
Four years? And your mother gets sick and because you all are in two different places, you don't continue and nurture the relationship.
It's more than probably more than I didn't feel supported. I don't think, I mean not supportive. But you know when you just want to hug or something. I think that's what I just need, is someone too, Hey, it's going to be okay, or hug me or something. And I didn't have that.
Why he never came to visit you while you were taking care of your mother?
No? No, why never did? I don't.
Why did you welcome him? Did you ask him?
I didn't. He said, oh, that's your thing. You need to do that on your own.
Well then that's done. Yeah, that's done. That's done, my love. You need to scratch that off the to do list.
When she passed, he went to see his family in another state for the holidays, which she had already planned to do. But she did pass on the twentieth. So I was like in my grief but super alone. And so I've just to really say the final word. I haven't said that, and yet in my heart I think I should. So I maybe that's the stem of my cult. I don't know. I'm well, I felt like sometimes I just needed a hug, you know, like my mom's dying and I am doing everything, and I feel I feel super alone. So I don't. I don't. I've been alone. I mean I can handle it, but I'm strong, But I don't want to have to be that story. I guess does that make any sense?
The absolute sense, because you were in process of grieving, you just lost your mommy. But what I really want to encourage you is at this point, put him in the basket. Put that relationship in the same basket that you're putting your mom Because if you're in a relationship and your partnered, you know, one of the absolute cornerstones of a relationship is when I'm weak, my partner is strong. When I can't that my partner does. And so what I'm hearing you say is that a very critical time in your life, your partner could and didn't and wasn't available to provide you with what you need. And I don't sense or see that you are in condition, in mental or emotional shape to have a conversation about a relationship that has how shall I say, declined over the course of eighteen months. If you're telling me, in eighteen months your partner never came to support you, bring you a cookie, rub your feet, nothing, baby, that's done. Take that off the list. That's done.
He thought he was taking care of my home, so I was gone from here, So he was taking care of the house. But I think it was serving him also, that's in my head. So I guess it was the help that it was here, but it'd be more of a help if he was there for me.
I mean, how far apart were you?
Now? It's an hour drive, an.
An hour drive, So in eighteen months he couldn't drive an hour? Is that what you're telling me? He did not drive. Did you talk to him?
Yeah, of course, yes, Yeah, we talked in texts and such. Yeah, absolutely, and.
Say, oh, okay, so you came home but he didn't.
Yeah, I would come here, but.
Chris, okay, let me.
So I was staying with mom, but I have my I have my home here, and so I would come home maybe two days a week.
And how was that really? How was the relationship then?
Well, I'd catch up on sleep. And it's tough because I've been with her taking care of her. So I did the best I could. I cook, I did you know? I did what I could?
Yeah, beloved, What are you acting like you don't know as it relates to your relationship? No, no, tell me. I want I want to hear you. I want to hear you say what are you acting like you don't know.
That he doesn't really love me?
Well, he may love you, but he's definitely not there for you, right yeah. I mean, what do you feel about the fact that in eighteen months, your partner never took an hour long drive to come and support you, to see your mother, to like I said, give you a cookie, buy you a flower, rub your feet, take the trash out, walk the dog, something.
Exactly, and do your family doesn't like me, so I didn't. I don't want to show up there. He just told me that a day ago. I didn't know told a day ago. But why he never showed up? Honestly funny that you're saying that right now, because he just told me that I didn't feel, uh, you know, I'd be welcome there, that your mom liked me. I said, my mom liked you? That wasn't I mean, my god, you well, she was dying. I mean it was it was not a time for who liked to.
But he wasn't coming to see your mom. He was coming to support you. It was coming to cradle your heart that was breaking because you were losing your mom. That's what he was coming to do. And if he didn't think of that, I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, I do know what to tell you, but you already know. So let me not beat a dead horse.
You're going right to my heart with this one.
Okay, we'll talk more about it when we come back. Welcome back. I am yan learing. This is the r spot in the process of grief. There are things that you have to have on your plate and things that you definitely don't need on your plate. You don't need this on your plate in the midst of grieving the loss of your mother. Your heart is shattered. Your heart is shattered, I mean your emotional energy. So trying to fix him or this in the midst of your heart being shattered probably is not going to turn out well for you, because even though you're probably weak from grief, there's a part of you that probably wants to punch him in the eye. Would that be accurate, right in the left eye with a closed fists, you know, not to hurt him, and I mean that, you know, really, I don't mean that as physical, but just right in the eye. And then he wants to lead. Yeah, you don't.
Need that right now, and he left, Okay.
Good bye. Change the locks that's life. You know. People come into your life for a reason or season or lifetime. You and him don't have children. Is that accurate?
No? Yeah, okay, And.
Maybe the season for that relationship is done. Maybe the season is over. Whatever he was there to do, he's already done. But clearly, my love, he has shown you aside of him. What if you were sick and had to go an hour away for treatment.
Maybe he wouldn't even reason.
But I would really encourage you just to get that off of your heart. And it's a distraction. It's a distraction from you going through the grieving process of losing your mom. It's a distraction trying to wonder out. Listen, haven't call me. I got something for him. You can't talk to him. I'll talk to him, Okay, just saying I'm just saying, you know, don't act like you don't know what this is and don't lean on him.
M hm oh, okay.
Go ahead, go ahead say it, say it.
Oh. I was just gonna say the part of me like even going to everything with my mom on hospice. I'm a healer. That's what I do. I will, you know, at a prominent hospital. I'm a healer. I that's my nature. And so to not do that for someone, even like whether it's her, whether it's him, whether anyone, it's hard for me. So I have to sometimes look at that because is it serving me? I don't know, because I always look on who over here I can help? And even with Mom when she's on, they're like telling me you can't, there's nothing, you can't do anything. But it's so difficult for me. I guess the acceptance piece of it is.
Yes, yeah, Well you can't get to the acceptance until you walk through the awareness. So what are you aware of as it relates to your partner at this time? You don't have to do anything about it, but you just have to let yourself be aware. What are you aware of about you?
See?
Let me put it to you this way. People show you how they love who they are, well, how they love not only who they are, but how they love You. Were in a four year relationship with this man and he's showing you how he loves. I guarantee you some of these signs were there before your mom got sick, but because you're in the routine, you maybe don't see it. So people show you how they mm hmmm mm hmm. And then you have a loving, caregiving heart. So he has shown you how he loves in crisis, which in a relationship, they're going to be crisis, they're going to be difficult times. He has shown you how he loves in crisis. So here's the question. We don't make him wrong, even though we want to punch him in the eye. We don't make him wrong. We don't blame him, we don't beat him down. But we look at what we saw and we say, do I want to participate in the way he loves? So what has he shown you about the way he loves? What has he shown you?
I would have to say I don't want.
Him, you don't I want more? Okay, but what has he shown you? Let's get to the awareness, yeah, about the way he loves you.
And he's absent, so he's more thinking about how it will unpacked him. He might feel not feel comfortable to go to Moms, so he won't go to moms, or if I come home and I'm upset, or what I've just gone through with moms. Even when she passed, he can't really be there to embrace me or hold me or do the things that I would want her need mhm. That that's my observation and and my awareness. And yet I do see him to be a good person in the world. But as far as in the manner of how he is with me, I feel that's not loving. It's more distance.
Okay, well, absolutely distance an hour Okay. Yeah, So we're talking about how he loves in crisis, and what we are aware of is that he's absent at times of crisis. Yes, that he puts his needs first in times of crisis, that he's not willing to be uncomfortable in times of crisis, that he doesn't show up for you in times of crisis, and he doesn't love you in times of crisis. So you're talking about a relationship with his boundary crisis of some kind, challenges issues in life, in life, and this is how he loves in times of crisis. Doesn't mean he's not a good person, doesn't mean you know, he kicks dogs and scares old ladies. But do you want to be in relationship with someone who's not there, who's absent, who doesn't want to be uncomfortable, who puts his needs first when you need them the most? Is that how you want to love.
Yes, yeah, I don't because that's not who I am. So it's very uncomfortable for me. But I'm also scared, so I'm of like, I panic if he goes, he take his things, like he packed up, I'm left and I'm already sad about mom, and I go into panic.
That No, no, you don't go into panic. You don't go into panic. I'm sorry. That is not panic. He packed up and left in the midst of your need, and you probably go into uh ab rage, you know, But because you is shattered, it feels like panic. What are you panicking about? He packed up and left because I'll be alone? Well you are You've been alone. Hello, you've been alone.
There's the awareness, right, isn't that the awareness? I guess forgetting to the awareness I am alone? You've been awareness?
Yeah, you know. Stop telling yourself stories about him.
I just pretend I'm not right. Yeah, I pretend I'm not low.
What are you acting like you don't know? I'm acting like I don't know. He hasn't been there. Yeah, he hasn't been there. I'm acting like I don't know. I'm alone. I'm acting like I don't know. This person is showing me that they cannot, will not, or choose not to be there for me when I need it. You acting like you don't know that.
I am and I have been, And when I was busy it didn't matter. But I'm not busy anymore. So my mind's overworking and the mind calling hit. I'm sorry, dinner and.
Your mind is your mind is all No, I'm glad it's dumping out. We're just stepping on each other. But that's okay. I'm right here with you. You're not alone in this moment. Yeah, And I don't want you to think that this is something unusual. This is very usual. It's probably easier to distract yourself with booboo acting like a fool than it is to deal with the grief and the heartbreak of your mother's. Yeah, it's a distraction.
Yeah and my mom.
So I say, let him pack. Is he gone?
No, he brought us stuff back, but it's still in the garage, like right by the door, with the intention he might go any minute. You know, see how I am.
That's violence. That is violence. That is violence here, that is violence, that's emotional violence. Why don't you invite him to take his stuff out your garage and go on about his business. Just invite him to do that, because it's a distraction and you're avoiding what's really going on, which is the heartbreak, which is a heartbreak. And that's why I say, instead of dealing with that as a separate issue, put him in the basket which with mom and both of them are gone. Yeah, yeah, because this is a head trip. Does that make sense to you?
It does. I'm feeling it right now.
You're acting like you don't know, and Daniel and you do know. And the way he's doing this is it's violent. He's withholding love, he's withdrawing. And again, this doesn't make it I'm a bad person. He's just showing you how he loves and you get to choose if this is how you want to be loved.
Mhm wow. Yeah, I've been pretending not enough. That's that's amazing what you just said.
Join the club. We do it all the time because sometimes it's easier to hang on than it is to say bye. Yeah, and your your mind is telling you see, because what could happen is you could start leaning into him for the support. He may or may not respond yes, And then as you grieve your mom and you get deeper and deeper into dependency on him. Can you trust that he's not going pack at any moment? Yeah, yeah, I don't think you only have one alternative. Put him in the basket with mom and just grieve them both at the same time.
Yeah.
Now, in terms of your siblings, those are important relationships. Why are they not around? Boy? You you really created, you really created a wonderful healing opportunity for yourself, didn't you. You said, I know, I was there like every minute with her.
And then at the end, well, one brother came from New York and the state, but then he got COVID, so I couldn't go there for ten days. Well that was pivotal because it's right before she passed away. I was with her, cooking for living with her until the hot and there was days I couldn't go. And then she went into that state work in life, there's own but in and out of world, and it was really difficult. She didn't want to let go, and I've witnessed that, but this was difficult in her not letting go. So the siblings are all around, and they had different ways of how to do it, And I don't know if I should even go into that, but just with different meds to give and just a lot of control. And I knew what she wanted, but it wasn't respected. So at the end we're not no one's talking. I'm the oldest of five and none of us are talking, and so by who I am, I do reach out, but I haven't heard from anyone.
And well, they're grieving. They're grieving, and everybody grieves differently, and we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. People handle grief the way they handle grief, and because you're the oldest, you know, Unfortunately, the how can I say, the blessing, the learning, the wisdom is flowing down, it's not flowing up. So even in the midst of your grief, you have to you have to set the example. And it could be as simple as, you know, a text to something. We're all grieving. I'm praying for us all the day will come when we can all come together and honor her. You know, I know we're all grieving. I want you to know I'm thinking about you. You have to take the high ground because you're the elder.
Her sister when one of them as executor. And so she came in real strong and took over. And I guess that's where kind of things went away.
And what does that mean? She took over, took over? What does that mean?
We took over of how we're going to handle things. And Mom didn't want morphing, but she started giving her.
Morphine because she didn't want her mother to hurt. She didn't want her mother to hurt. And she didn't do that for you, Mom. She did that because she.
Couldn't herself be right, she couldn't bear right.
That's how people grieve. Let's let's not hold her guilty of that.
No, I'm not. It was mean at the end, I'm telling you, yeah, I'm not holding her guilty. But she she turned mean and started yelling about it, you know, and it just it was good at the end.
And that's because all of you, all of you were crazy. We're talking about your heart shattering into a million pieces. So nobody is. And if they're not, you say you're a healer or you do healing work, and you and you walk people through healing process, which means to make whole. To heal means to make hole. So you are in you know, you have experience and the consciousness of what it takes to make people whole. I don't know what they do, but they probably didn't even realize they were shattered into a million pieces.
Yeah hopefully, Yeah, yeah, and yeah I know she Cofee did it. Yeah, my sister did that. And then they were praying in there, and then I was going to play this little song and you know, it's very beautiful, and then they're coming no months of life music and then just leave the room. It was just all that, And so maybe what you're saying is too everyone's going through their own thing. But I felt like I was there with her and I was to me. I feel like I was thrown away at the end. And then yeah, I you know, and then I I just feel alone. Tomorrow, Well, senday to my brother's birthday. That the brothers lived in New York. So I did send a card. I have sent a I have reached out in that manner, but not to push myself on anyone, just to get touchdowns kind of a thing. But it doesn't you know, it all doesn't feel good.
It just yeah, but it's the same thing. They were absent. They put their needs first, they were not willing to be uncomfortable, and they don't know how to love you. And you need it same thing your boyfriend did. You're just getting it from five different directions. Yeah, same exact thing.
That's the same thing. That's the same thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, And this is not the time to talk about it.
It is that I feel.
That all you can do. They have shown you how they love you, and you get to choose whether or not you want to participate in the way they are loving you. And the way they are loving you now is who knows if they have guilt, if they have shame, if they have anger. You know, everybody's going to blame somebody. We don't know what's going on because they're not talking. Give it some breathing space, give it some room, you know, do what feels right in your heart, with no expectation of how they will respond. I guarantee you the key at the hole at the top of the key is guilt because they weren't there, and maybe they thought she didn't want them there. Maybe they thought you didn't want them there. Maybe they couldn't bear to see it. If you set yourself up as the healer and the elder, and you're going to handle it. Maybe they didn't feel there was room for them. Who knows. You know, grief makes people crazy. But we're not even talking ninety days. This is an open, festering wound.
Okay, thank you for talking to me.
And oh my god, how do you deal with an open festering wound. You don't keep poking your finger in it. You don't, you know, you don't say, oh my god, this is open, it's festering. You know, it's bleeding, it's oozing. You don't say that. You put a band aid on it. You change the bandage when it gets crazy or when it gets messy, and you leave it to hear it and.
Don't do like any rash things like go find a new job, or do this or that right now. Just kind of take it easy.
I would say, take it easy if you can afford to be still, be still. I mean, if you've got to go to work, to you, yeah, if you've got to go to work, you know, eat popcorn, eat chocolate, watch watch Law and Order. Law and Order will heal anything. The original Lord Order will heal you. I don't care what. That's my prescription for everything. You got a problem. Go watch law in order. Let Jack McCoy fix it for you. Okay, okay, oh, be gentle with yourself, beloved, give yourself at least two months and then start thinking about what you want to do and everything right now.
Make it a decision here with him, like do I put that or just allow it to be what it is right now?
What do you well? You know what, in the time when I'm hurting, my heart is shattered and oozing, I don't want somebody sitting around looking at me like I'm a turn up getting ready to sprout something. Why is he there? I know I would ask him, why are you here?
Just ask him?
See what he says. Why are you here? You've shown me that you don't want to be uncomfortable. You've shown me that in the midst of my crisis, this is too much for you to handle. You have made absolutely no effort to nurture, to comfort, to support me. Why are you here now? Don't ask him if you don't want to hear the answer. Yeah, and here's something else you want to ask him, just you know, for giggles, just for fun and giggles. Okay, your mother was sick and you chose or decided or were called to come and care for her. How would it make you feel if for eighteen months I never came to visit you, I never sent you a card, I never came to just lay your head on my shoulder to comfort you that I never made a move to support you, not your mom, but I never made How would that make you feel? Yeah? Good? Just ask him, well, let me tell you how it made me feel. See what he says, and then share with him, and then ask him why are you here? But you get to choose because now you have an awareness of how he loves and you get to choose if you want to participate in the way he loves you. During Christ you get to choose.
Your blessing. Thank you. So.
In terms of your siblings, those are lifetime and important relationships. Give it some time, reach out when it feels right. Don't try very hard not to make them wrong and make you right. You don't have to recount everything that happened because they're grieving. You are the elder, You are the healer. You know, once some time is passed, maybe issue an invitation for you all to come together and you know, celebrate mom or talk about.
Yeah, something like that. Yeah.
Yeah, you know you don't have to do that now. Yeah, because they're grieving. And it's what it says to me is there were fractures in these relationships before mom got sick. Yeah, because when there's a crisis, it tells you how people respond and react. Showed you the condition of the relationship prior to the crisis.
See, I didn't even know. I didn't even know. Oh yeah, there's a huge awareness there.
Well, we got to really work on your awareness because you seem not to know nothing that's right in your face.
Okay, all right, and ask mister.
Boo Boo the fool, Ask Boo Boo the fool, why is it? Why are you here? Why are you here? Please forgive me for talking about your partner, but I just know.
I don't it's so appropriate.
Yeah, okay, Oh, take care of yourself. Get you some lavender oil and get in the bathtub, because lavender oil clears energy, and you want your physical body to be able to hold the emotional energy that you have.
Right now, Okay, thank you, this is wonderful.
All right, my love. Let me know how you make out. Okay, okay, alrighty, okay, bye.
Bye, Thank you, love.
You, bye. Grief makes people act crazy. It's just that plain. It's just that simple. And like I told my caller, each situation is different, and in each situation, a conversation needs to happen at the appropriate time because we're really dealing with the same issue, and that's being abandoned during our time of need. But we're dealing with it from two separate fronts, if you will. One front is we're dealing with it from a family member who's also grieving, but the other from a partner who has left my caller high and dry. Woo agree. I'm not here to tell anybody what they should or should not do. But if it were me in that situation, and my supposed partner didn't want to see or call or support me for that long in this case, boy bye. But that's why it is so easy to know the truth about a relationship. And the only way you really know is when the stuff hits the fan. It's the ultimate test to see how people will treat you, what they do when they are uncomfortable, or if they will show up for you when it really counts. Regardless of what they do, you must do what feels right in your heart. Regardless of how anybody likes it or how they respond, vote for what's right for you. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.