In a mental-health-conscious episode, one caller recently moved in with their now-adult son after a crisis, and is struggling to live together without treating him like a child. Another caller suddenly became a guardian to her grandchildren after a heartbreaking loss and needs some support moving forward Iyanla asks that both women seek the strength inside themselves and to, most importantly, ask for the help that they need without feeling like they’re doing something wrong.
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I am a younger your host for this journey. I was a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is and what it is not. I want to share some of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. One of the most challenging relationship issues that I personally have ever bumped into is learning how to shift my relationship with my children and from being their mother, their mom who's got to fix everything and make it okay, to learning how to parent an adult. Oh my god, because as the mom, I don't know how to let go, and quite frankly, I don't want to let go because even though they've grown people, they're still gonna be my children. But mother's there comes a time when you have to realize that is not your baby, that is not your little pooky poo. This is a grown a person and you have to learn how to be in relationship with an adult, and that can be hard. My first caller is dealing with just that. Greetings beloved, welcome to the ourt spot when we talk about all things relationships. So how can I support you today? It is so awful to speak. Thank you so much for taken time to speak to me. Oh well, thank you for taking the time to call. Yes, ma'am, I called because I long story short, I had a mental health issue while working and ended up relocated to move with with my son. He was He's always been my angel. He was an absolute angel to offered me to come and live with him, myself and my two dogs. So I've been here about six six months, and I feel bad because I've gotten out of the darkness where I was. I would not I truly believe I would not be alive if he and his girlfriend had not extended their hands out to me to come spend time with them and my two year old grand daughters. So it's been a blessing. And I know that I haven't been much of or I don't feel like I'm much of a blessing because I have been moody. It's a lot losing everything I was on medication and things that were making me cognitively different. So a lot of things happen, and they've supported me and stayed with me throughout all this time, So for that, I am forever grateful. As I'm getting better mentally and physically or more clear, I'll say that I feel like I'm stuck in just beating myself up, which in turn comes out in an argument with him a lot of times. I don't know if it's because he expects me to be probably much better than I am. He's been patient, it's taken a while, my self esteem has been going. It's just rebuilding myself altogether. So I called because I'm trying to figure out how to save the relationship with my son, like that's the one relationship on this planet that means everything to me. So I don't want to ruin it to where we aren't talking. I don't want to ruin it to where where I'm being disrespectful, which I am sometimes because I get so angry and frustrated. We've always been close and able to understand each other. That's just not working out like that now. I just don't want to ruin it. You said you're angry and frustrated, and that leads to an argument. I'm angry at myself and I'm frustrated with the situation. It's like I don't have money coming in. I've always been independent, taking care of people, so this is the first time I've had to learn how to ask for help, and that's been one of the most difficult things. So the anger that I end up having. I think you posted today about um from your book about being angry with yourself and frustrated. That hit home a lot of times. Whatever you post seems like you're posting it for me, so it's like she knows we're in the sync, but I am. It's all for you, my love. I'm blessed. I'm blessed, but I'm just I'm so frustrated. I feel like I'm able to come up with a business, but I need money. And then I feel like I can do this, but I need money. And I feel like I can do that, but I need money. I feel like I don't know how to get back on my feet the way the old Christie used to and it's frustrating with that. And like I said, I don't want to lose my relationship with my son, his girlfriend, and especially my granddaughter. So I know now from taking your flask especially and through prayer every day or throughout the day, that I'm further out of the darkness than I was, but sometimes the clutches seem like it's still right there, and I don't want to I'm working hard to not go back that way, but out of everything in life, I don't want to lose the relationship with him. Wow. Sorry, no need to be sorry, but loving. It sounds like you've been through a lot. Yeah, yes, news, So just a couple of questions to help me point you in the right direction. Because I started writing it down and I got up to nine nine times you said, I don't want, I don't want, I don't want, I don't want. Well, what do you want a lot of things. I want to have the love between our souther and I again. I want a great relationship with him, or at least a good relationship of solid, peaceful with his family, his girlfriend, my son, and my granddaughter. I want to feed back on my feet. I want to be successful at helping others. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to be just on solid ground. Okay, So do you love your son absolutely? Does he love you, yes, ma'am? Okay, So then why are you worried about that? Because we argue well and I'm going through a divorce and all that, so I feel like he's just it's it's a lot that like you said, it's a lot, and I don't know how to change. You. Well, the first thing you can do is make a commitment not to argue. That's the first thing. Listening. You know, it's hard for mom because we always see particularly our sons as boys, you know, And right now you're in a relationship with a grown man who has been a support system for you, right, Yeah, because you're parenting an adult. So even if you had never been in this situation where you had to be dependent upon him or you know, moving with him or whatever, even if you had never been in that situation, you would still be parenting an adult. So you have to treat him like he's a grown a man, not like he's your son and he should or shouldn't. Does that make sense, Yeah, because you're still talking to him like he under your roof and he ain't under your roof. Right? What are some of his good qualities that you see in love and are proud of. He's amazing, he's loving, he's a great listener, he is inquisitive. I guess with me, the word he's always trying to figure things out and reaching for his goals. And he's a strong man. He's always been intelligent and smart and handsome and full of joy and happiness and forgiveness. And who raised him? Who raised him? How did he get that way? I did, and and my milut Okay, Yes, so you look at this young man not as your son who should be or shouldn't be, or might have or whatever. You look at him as a man who's serving and supporting you. That's one way to stop the arguments. Yes, when you get angry or frustrated. You know, one of the things I teach my students is how to pivot. Because if he says something that the mother and you think he shouldn't be saying to you, because I'm assuming that's how your arguments come about, would that be accurate? When he says something or ask something or is with you away that the mother in you thinks is out of line, you have to remember, wait a minute, this is a loving, accomplished, curious young man, a great listener who's serving and supporting me. Let me pivot from being a mother and stand as an elder woman, because you're still an elder woman and it may be something as simple as I hear you. I can't respond right now, but I hear you. Let me get back to you so that you have a chance to walk away and become the woman and not the mother. Put the mother in the closet with some knitt needles and tell her to sitting there in the dark and knit you something. Tell her to knit you a blanket with black wool in the dark. It will take her a while. Put the mother away because you're getting the creating problems. She is she is. You gotta pivot from that, and then another thing is like I said, I counted nine. You may have said more. Start creating your vision for what you want and share that vision with him. I know I've been here six months. It's been great, but it's time for me to move on. This is my vision, this is what I want to do. Here's some good news for you. I heard you say you want to do this, but you don't have money. You want to do that, but you don't have money. Well, if money is the only problem, then we don't have a problem. And you said that in your class, But I did thet I did it, but I did it for passing the mental health Licensure exam and I didn't pass, but I didn't get angry. I got down for a day or two. I questioned, like, why didn't it work? But I'm sure you know God is gonna work and I when it's supposed to. But what wall I wait a minute, hold on, hold on, let's not bypass staff. You have a mental health issue that you haven't fully accepted or healed and you're taking them tests for mental health licensure. No, that's what I want food for. But you can do it. But the thing is, you still got shame and guilt and anger about the fact that you had a mental health issue. Goodness, clean it up and you pass the tests. I tell you, as human beings, we are just so wonderful, ain't we wonderful? And we are wonderful. You still got shame and guilt and anger about your own mental health issue, and you want to go get licensed to help people with their mental health issue. The universe ain't gonna put up with that. Well, I wanted to get license. I can be both to all the jobs that are out there where I can get money. But that's the other problem. Wait a minute, did you do abundance you did my abundance classes. I did the class, yes, ma'am. And what was the first thing I said to you? The first thing I said to you is you are not doing this for money. Do you recall me saying that? How many times did I say it? With fifty? Okay, See, you're doing it for the money. You're not doing it for the love. You're not doing it for the joy. You're doing it for the money. And because you took that class and you know too much, the universe is not supporting you and being out of integrity. Interesting. If you don't love mental health work, if you don't love serving people, if you don't love serving God first, you'll never pass that test. Okay, but I do. Okay, So, yes, my mental health is not stable enough to be in the field. Yes, I do want to work in the field, and believe I'm supposed to be in the field in some capacity to help others. But at the same time, the way that I saw to get from point A to point beer to get a job in mental health, because there's how you're paid, and you know, working at public or McDonald. Back to the money, you're back to the money. Okay. Well, I'm not saying no money, you're saying, don't focus on the money at all, right, because money is not my supply. No person, place, or thing is my supply. Do you know what I'm speaking to you right now? Yes, ma'am. What am I speaking to you right now? Speaking from that's number five? Yes, yes, ma'am, your favorite one. Money is not my supply. No purpose and place or thing is my supply. What is my supply. My supply is my knowledge, my connection, my intimate relationship with the all providing source within me. That's my supply. So the same source can help you clean up the anger, the shame of frustration about having a crisis, a mental health crisis. You have to clean that up. I had a mental health issue and I'm ashamed of it because I had a mental health issue, and that makes me feel You know, you got more tools than have the people on the planet, and you're still talking like you don't know nothing. Will number five? Get number five and you work number five. So if money is not your supply, no person, place, or thing is your supply. What you have to do then is tap into the all providing source of infinite prosperity, the all providing source of infinite prosperity will support your son so that he can support you. The all providing source of infinite prosperity will guide you as as to what to do. The all providing source, not a person, not your son, not the people that are going to hire you, The all providing source of infinite prosperity. And we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Did you do your prosperity tree? I did my prosperity tree. And what's in the roots? What's in the roots? Yeah, what's in the roots of your prosperity tree. The roots are I am a loving and lovable person. I am resourceful. I probably I don't have to I have this one. I have the one on my cabin I knew I wanted to say more. I just didn't. I guess either know how or didn't take the time to sit there and beat my head to come up with it. If that's your prosperity tree, then what you have to do is put in the roots. Remember your I am this, You put that in the roots of what it is you desire. The first thing I am hold, I am healed. I am healthy, I am mentally stable and capable. I am filled with gratitude, I am filled with light, I am filled with readiness. I am willing to re enter the world. I am a brand new person, this man. But until you heal up that shame and that anger about the mental health issues. I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't be feeling this way. This shouldn't happened to me. You got any of that going on? And where does that go? Where are you supposed to put those things? I know where does it go? Because it also caused what I feel is like a psychosis where it's crazy, it's insane. No, isn't not supposed to be in your root, in your I don't have it. I don't have it in my tree. Oh my Lord, have mercy. Go to the mirror and slap the first person that shows up. Well, what is it in your tree? Oh? My goodness, your tree? So let me just say this for love it. First of all, stop looking at this beautiful, loving, accomplished, supportive young man as your little boy. This is a grown a man. Okay, treat him as such. Put the mother in the closet. She don't have nothing to say, leave her right in there. That's number one. Number two, get busy creating your vision. Your son loves you, You love your son. All relationships have difficulty, But get busy creating your vision and stop talking about what you don't have and focus on what you desire. So you just created and it just comes out of nowhere. I'm not supposed to know how it's gonna happen. No control freak, you're not. Let me just call you out right now, that's what? Okay? I got it? Yeah, and what were you saying? The therapist can't figure out what it's insane? Right, I couldn't figure out any of it. I can't figure out how to get myself out of the hole because you're punishing yourself for going in the hole in the first place. Absolutely I can see that. So start here. I forgive myself for believing I lost control. I forgive myself for believing a mental health issues bad or wrong. I forgive myself for being weak. I forgive myself a falling apart. I forgive myself for believing I shouldn't be weak. I forgive myself for believing I shouldn't fall apart. I forgive myself for judging myself. It's wrong or bad. I forgive myself for believing this should not be happening to me. Why don't you start there? Yes, am, start with some forgiveness work. Principal number five. You need to be able to say it backwards and forwards in the dark, with your eyes closed, naked, standing on one foot, but not in the closet with mama with the needles and the black woo. No, you don't talk to her. Don't talk to her, don't talk to her at all. She is a problem. I'm telling you leave helone, leave her in the closet. And every time you get ready to open your mouth and argue what your son say, let me go, nit, let me go niit, let me go knit, pivot and create the vision or the tree however you want to do it, beloved, not focusing on the money, but focusing on rebuilding your life, and ask the Holy Spirit to come. You know how to do that. I'll do that all day long. I do show me my next most appropriate STAPs. But the Holy Spirit can't show you. If you're still angry, if you're judging yourself for what happened, maybe you just needed the rest. Maybe you needed to learn how to ask for support. Could be who knows, Yes, but you need to fix your tree. Yes, ma'am, I'm gonna fix I'm gonna redo my tree. Yeah, please do Okay, yes, ma'am. Leave mama in the closet, do some forgiveness work and call me in six weeks and let me know if things are better, we'll call you. Okay. Now, I appreciate you. Thank you so much. You got work to do. Go do the work by Yes, ma'am, thank you so much. Have a good alright, my love. Changing the established pattern and a parent child relationship can be extremely difficult, and my caller needs to give herself some grace in order to realize that it's okay to let things change and that there's no need for her to always be in control. It's never easy. We'll talk more about it when we come back. Welcome back. I am the online Today we're talking about what happens in the parent child relationship when the dynamics change. A changing parent child relationship is always going to lead to difficult conversations. In my next caller's case, becoming an unexpected parent to four grandchildren after the loss of her daughter might be the hardest thing she's ever had to navigate, but I believe she's going to get through it. We'll find out how together. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the artspoct What is the challenge is should question that you want to place on the floor today? Good afternoon. I am trying to find out how to establish relationships. My daughter was murdered in a killing, a murder suicide last summer in June with the children's father killed her and he killed himself. They have four kids, three under five and one ten year old, all by same father. I'm the legal maternal grandmother and his family has just walked away. Is that the kids no longer exist. So I am trying to find out how can I stopt its relationship, even with his parents, so that they can be a part of the grand certain FLFE because that's been June of last year and it just feel like the kids have went under radar on the best side of the family. Yes, yes, oh Mama, I feel your heart, Oh Jesus, yes, yes, My three babies have development delays and disability. So I'm fighting a whole lot of things right now, but I need to support of that side of the family so that I can continue to live in you know, not break down. So the real question, the real question is how do you get the children's father's family to support you in their upbringing? Yeah, that's the real question, yes, ma'am. All right, So you said this happened last June. Yeah, this was June eighteenth. It's not even been a year yet, but it has been hard. It's been really hard, I know, mam. Yeah, wow, that's ma'am. So you're still grieving. I have to grieve in inferment because I'm a full time worker. Yeah, I know. It spurts, Yes, man, Can I ask you this? How did you get the children? Did you take them where they've given to you? Did you? How did you get the children? So, but that's a fight as well. Actually, when all this happened, and wanted the crime scene, the kids were there, and the police should say, well who's taking the kids? Because they didn't want them take him into DFS custody, which I wish they would have been for evaluations. So Grandpa took the kids his dad because I was grieve, I was shocked, but I'm being in honest with you. Two weeks later, when he started saying, you know, we couldn't see the kids. I ran to the courthouse and and said, okay, I need to get an attorney because he hadn't seen his son in two years, so there was no relationship there, so I can't just you can't come in and just take kids that don't know you. Yeah, but he don't. Happened about two weeks. As soon as I buried my daughter, those kids is back in my house and they've been in me ever since. I didn't have to fight because none of them showed up their court They didn't short the courts for the kids. It was just me and the attorney. So I am now the illegal guardians. So there was no relationship between the children's father and his father. Was he in relationship with his mother? Yes, yeah, he had a relationship with with his mom, that's who he was closest to. He didn't have a relationship with his dad. Okay, so how come she didn't show up? Do you know why? Well, she only wanted the oldest girl because she's teen and she don't have any disabilities. This exactly what she told police. She did not want the other three kids because they were special and they are specially my baby, and the judge said, no, you cannot say you want to take one child and not all four. Okay, well you're not asking her to take them, you're asking for support. So let's let's be clear about that. Yes, that's all just support. Have you reached out to them, yes, uh, but Granddad's kind of hard. But we have talked Grandma every time I reach out, even like for a weekend or it's just always an excuse as to why she cannot get the children. And I know it has a lot to do, but she don't think the three younger babies are her sons children, but all four children are his kids. Well, I mean there's a way to resolve that. And you can ask her if she'd be willing to have a DNA test because the DNA tests will tell Yeah, and I'm looking at this as a mother, as a grandmother. You got a couple of things going on here. First of all, she's probably ashamed, guilty and grieving. You have the shock and the grief, maybe the anger, but she's probably ashamed that her son did this. How did she fail him? Why didn't she see this? Because you know, as moms, if our children's eyes across is our fault. You know, if anything that's wrong, Oh my lord, my childish god, what did I do wrong? So she probably has a shame. The only thing I can say to you is is this. You gotta talk to her mother and the mother and don't wait for her to offer it. You offer it. I know you have some concerns about whether or not these children are your grandchildren. Would you be open to a DNA test? And if they are your children, I'm willing to raise them. I'm willing to do what I can because you know, in our community, is the mother's mother to wait folds on the mother's Yeah, that's how it is in our community. You know, very rarely did the children go to the father's mother. They go to the mother's mother first, and then you ask her. I'm asking you to support me. You know, both of us are grieving mothers. We both lost our pups, we both lost our children. And the fact that you're willing to even have a conversation with the woman whose child killed your child, that's huge. Yeah, you have to talk to her mother, to mother and see if you can get through and if she's willing to support with you one weekend a month, even if she comes to your house, she may think you want money. I don't know. If you haven't had the conversation, I don't know what she will do. But Mom, listen to me. Clutch your pearls right now. You have to be willing to carry this burden alone. Jesus, I know, I know that's who you're gonna need. You and j C may be doing this all. Yeah, which means then then you have to go into the state and you have to get all available resources that you can, if that's home health care, if that is part time help, if that's a housekeeper, if that's money, whatever that is. And you go not with not with your hand out, you go with your head held high, willing to accept the responsibility and asking for support from the state. I'm fighting now, man. They denied me for all state assistance because of my income by itself. Yes, well, don't fight, No, no, don't fight, don't fight. You keep calling your friend Jesus, so you put this in Jesus's hands. Give up the fight, and you know, Okay, let me tell you this analogy. The mother bear, they say, is one of the most loving, nurturing mammals on the planet. That she'll nurse her babies for three to four years. And when she's with her baby, she's walking on all four and she's down on their level, and she's watching everything, and she'll nudge them into where they need to be. But she's always also on the lookout. But when mama gets up on her hind legs, you better look out because somebody gonna get swatted, all right. So when you go to the state, you don't go with your hand out begging. You go on your hind legs. Back up and here it is. If they were in the system, the state would have to provide for them. If he was in jail, the state would have to provide for him. So if you got to get a legal aid attorney, be willing to hear and know, but don't be willing to stop it. The know that right now you're down on all fours trying to take care of the babies. Get up on your hind legs and go into the system wherever you have to go. Not to fight, but you and Jesus, because he seems to be you friendly with him, You and Jesus going there and refuse to accept the know how much would it cost the state to take care of them if you said, okay, you know what, take them. Yeah, I need help. They have special needs. That means they may need transportation or they may need educational support. You know, I don't know. But as a grandmother, I've raised two grandchildren and a great grand I have, so I understand. Hear me, my sister woman, my mama's sister, I hear you. And particularly when you mind in your business, living your life, and next thing you know, you got a three year old. You're like, what the hey, and you're grieving you lost your pap. You lost your baby to some madness. And I wouldn't be shy about reminding his mother of that. Say, I understand your grieving the loss of your child, and so am I. Here's the difference. Your I took my child's life, and I'm still willing for us as grandmothers to do what our children are no longer willing to do. Yeah, and again she may she may not, but you should ask and at the same time be willing to do it on your own. And then you turn your eyes towards wherever the state is. My grandmother had a saying she was a Native American, but she was real good friends with Jesus, Jesus will fix it him, Mother, Mary, the governor, the councilman, whoever it is, because really this is not your responsibility. Culturally, you are accepting the responsibility, but you could turn them babies right over to the state. You can't give me support that I need to provide for them, three special needs children. Come get them and let's see how much it's gonna cost you and be willing. Let me tell you they're not gonna calm. But you know you on your hind legs. Get up on your hind legs, Grandma, you're down on all fours. That is not working. You be down on all fours with the babies, with the state and the other grandmother you get up on your hind legs. Yeah, definitely. Will you gotta roar? I don't know how bad roars, whatever it is. And you know what, I'm gonna pray with you and for you. I'm gonna pray that the spirit of all grandmothers who had to raise children stand with their hands on their hips behind you. I'm gonna affirm and know and call that all of the greatest greatest grandmothers in your line who took on children of their children, children of neighbors. I'm calling on the spirit of the wet mothers who nursed white babies on their bosoms because their mothers wouldn't do I'm calling on them, and I'm asking all of them to stand with you, for you, behind you, so that what you need to provide for these children comes to you easily, effortlessly, under grace, with the mercy of God's wisdom and the love of the Divine Mother. It shall be so, because I'm speaking it into existence. Oh yeah, you call on them grandmothers. You call on them and ask them to go before you and make the way straight. And you call that other grandmother and you talk to her. I need your support. They needed They need to know that their father was more than a murderer. They need to know that. They need to know that their father had a mother and had a family and things went awry, but that their family embraces them. They need to know that. You tell her that m hm hm Okay, God, bless your grandma, Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Alright, my love, bye bye. I really feel for her. I'm gonna pray and wish her the best of love moving forward. Whether she's able to rely on the other grandparents or not. I can sense from our short conversation that she has the strength and the determination to make it through and love those four grand babies just like their mama would. Now. I know it's going to be difficult, but navigating through any change and a parent child relationship is difficult. I have been there, as have both of my callers. What's most important to remember at some point is that you will not always be a parent to a child. You will be forced to create a new relationship pattern and dynamic with a grown adult who you have loved and raised to become the person that they are. If I can do it and my callers can do it, I know all of you out there can do it. To just remember to give yourself grace, be gentle with yourself, and be willing to ask for the strength and support you need from wherever you can get it. And if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.