Generational Boundaries

Published Jul 26, 2023, 10:00 AM

In the final episode of Season one of The R Spot, Iyanla reflects on an important lesson with Two women who want to discuss boundaries for very different situations. The first caller feels like she has to set a strict boundary with her stepmother, who she is in conflict with. And the second caller feels like her boundaries are constantly violated at work, so much so that she gets angry about it. Iyanla helps guide both women toward the realization that sometimes accountability looks different between generations.

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I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher for salm, and a soft place to fall for others. And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself enough to be able to share my love with other people. Welcome to the Rspot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Today we're going to talk about something that is important in establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. Boundaries, boundaries, What is appropriate, what isn't appropriate, what is acceptable, what isn't acceptable. We have to have boundaries, And for some reason, it seems that it's so challenging for us to create a boundary until people are running a monk. Once they start running a monk, then we want to put up the stop sign. No no, no no. If you establish a boundary earlier, if you make specifical requests earlier, if you have specific agreements early, early in the relationship, you have something to lean into when things start to run a monk. If you don't have boundaries, what happens is when you find yourself sitting in a mess, then you're going to want to know what to do. That's exactly where my first call is in a mess, not knowing what to do. Listen to this. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the UR spot. What is the relationship challenge, issue dilemma that you have today that we can explore together.

Well, there are have a challenge with my father and he is wife. They've been married for quite some time, but recently, in the last couple of years, his relationship with his wife has kind of seeped over into my relationship with my father. We had an incident last year and we went to get support and help from our pastor and had a family meeting that included her and my dad and my sister and I. And from that conversation, we had said that we would be cordial with each other. And so I said, you know, I would be cordial. And you know, there were a couple times where I would see her and I would say hello, and she would either you know, somewhat acknowledge me or not, and then you know, she would tell my dad that I didn't speak or what have you. I think the last time where I had kind of decided that I needed to sense myself from her was I went over to their house and said hello, and she wouldn't even look at me or acknowledge me. And I just said, you know my stuff the last time I'm going to go over there. And you know, I'm now challenged with you know, how do I continue to maintain a healthy relationship with my dad but yet still have these boundaries with his wife?

Why does she have to acknowledgey?

I guess I think of acknowledge it of just like hello, you know. I think that when someone doesn't look at you when you speak, or they complain about and I think the challenge is like when I have spoken, still complain to my dad about that I didn't and it's like, but I did, you know, And it doesn't seem.

As though and what does he say? What does he say when he complained? When he when she complains to him, and and and you say, but I did speak to her. I mean, what is his complaint? Does he have a complaint to you?

I will say that His response is I know, I know, I.

Know you did, So then why is he bringing it to you?

I think he felt.

Caught in the middle. You know, He's always created this dynamic where so where it was a relationship with her and her son, and then there's a relationship with you know, my dad and his children, and so there's always kind of been the separate dynamic, and so he's always kind of been the go between because we've never, to be quite honest, I've never had a relationship with his wife. And when they got married years ago, he never told us he got married. He never told us children.

I can tell you don't have a relationship because you don't say my stepmother, you say his wife. Yeah, so that puts on the outside already. And don't you think she feels that. Don't you think she feels like an outsider?

Probably? Yes.

So she's got a relationship with her husband, she's got a relationship with her children. She doesn't have her relationship with his her husband's children because there's never been no full integration. She the other woman and you don't like her and she don't like you. How about that?

Yeah?

Yeah, it's uncomfortable, but that's what you all have created, right, you created it. You said my father and his wife, his relationship with my relationship with his wife be cordial. So you you made an agreement with the pastor that you would be cordial, that you'd say hello, Did you make an agreement with the pastor that she would respond, No, that was that any agreement? Oh okay, is your father mobile? I mean, does he get up then he go out? Can he do those kinds of things?

He can? And we have you know, made we have like spent time with him out you know, Gonda or what have you. So recently we ask him to go to dinner Poor Father's Day, and you know, it's always kind of like, oh, I have to see and I have to you know, there's some hesitancy, I guess.

So what is your question? What is you asking me? How to create a boundary with somebody you don't like and somebody that doesn't like you in order for you to be in relationship with your father who lives with the person that you don't like and the person that doesn't like you. Does that get Is that about it?

Right?

Oh?

Well? I think too, is like, how to you know, maintain a relationship with my dad? You know, I understand he's so hot in the middle, but you know, my relationship with is important.

Yeah, let me take this to another level because regardless of what you think, called don't think, you still got some animosity about Really it's towards your father that he married this woman and didn't tell nobody, so she's remained the other woman. Can you can you own that? Can you own that she's an outsider? And whatever feelings you have about he didn't tell you he was married her or anybody else, have you dealt with that?

Can I?

Yes? And we and when we had the meeting with the pactor, we brought that to his intention.

Yeah, but that's not her fault. That's that's not her fault. That's what he created. Do you want the red pill means stop, don't tell me no more? Or do you want the blue pill, which is tell me what I need to know?

Okay?

If he had married Karen the Orangutang, your responsibility was to honor his choice right and woman to woman, she is an elder to you. If your father is seventy eight years old, how did she seventy four seventy six? She's your elder power. Don't run up and runs down. It was for you to say to her, I'm welcome to the family. I know this may be challenging having adult people or whatever in your life, but I'd like for us to create a relationship woman to woman that doesn't have anything to do with my father? How about that?

Okay?

What color does she like? What color does she like? What's her favorite perfume? Where does she like to eat? What's a birth when's a birthday? How many birthday cards have you centered? How many Mothers They cards have you centered? Have you ever said to her, thank you for bringing some joy into my father's life? Have you ever done that? Young and because you are young, into her? Hello?

Yeah, no, I'm listening to you.

It is incumbent upon you to establish a relationship with her. Her and she don't have to like you, but it's up to you to be respectful towards her. You don't like her, she don't like you. You go over to her castle because, whether you like it or not, your father's home. She the queen in that castle. And here you come, expecting the queen to bow to you. She ain't gonna do that. If you don't have a relationship. Don't hear me saying you did anything wrong. Please, But here's another perspective, the bluepill. How many Mothers They cards have you sent her?

I don't.

Oh do you know what perfume she likes that you could give her for a birthday? Nope? Oh, but you want to go sit up in her castle and talk to her king. Really, Yes, that's your father and he made a choice, and the most loving and respectful thing you can do is honor the choice he made. You don't have to like it, but to honor him, you honor his choice. Tell me what you hear me saying. You don't have to repeat the words, but tell me what you hear and what I'm offering you.

I mean, it sounds like you're saying like I need to show her respect for who she is in his wife and their relationship. You know, I feel like I need to be authentic to myself as well, the true to myself, and so you know, sending a Mother's Day card to her doesn't seem what the what's a good place to start?

I guess we'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off. You have not honored and respected her as the queen your father chose for himself. I'm just using those words, but doesn't have to be. She's a queen. You know she deserves emerald crown. But you haven't honored his choice. Beloved. What I'm hearing, which is probably hard for you and your sisters to hear, is that he brought her into your's life, so she has a responsibility to you. And I'm swift flipping that up and I'm saying, no, no, this is your daddy who you love. You know how many women don't have a good relationship with their daddy that they can't go to their daddy's house, that they can't take their daddy out from lunch to dinner. How many times have you all invited her to come out to dinner with you? A lot of times and she doesn't go. Do you bring up back a doggie bag?

Absolutely? And so that's the part I guess, and I hear you. I do hear you, and I there's just so many years and years of things and we did spend a lot of years, I know, years of her, you know, inviting her over and things of that nature, and you know, the last couple of years things have just totally different.

Well, he created that. I'm sorry he created it, and we're not going to beat him up or blame him. But now it's up to the women. It's up to you all as women, junior women, elder women. The Queen's got to come together to save the kingdom, you know, and so I, I, you know, the only thing, because I don't know what boundaries you're talking about. You can't walk up in that woman's castle and expect her to do anything. That's just not how it works. It just doesn't work like that, as you can see. Can you see it's not working?

Yeah? Can I ask you a question, No, I totally understand. I totally understand that because I would expect the same for anybody coming into my house, right. And so my question is, though, so if I go over there and the behavior continue, the treatment or I should say, or a response.

And that's what you expect, that's what you're going to get. If that's what you expect, that's what you're going to get. You gotta wipe the slate clean. If that's what you expect, that's what you will get. You can't judge today based on I don't care if it was fifty six years You can't judge it today. You cannot. And yes, you have to be authentic to yourself, and being authentic to yourself is being able to be there for your dad. So the question becomes, what is it that I need to do so that I can be in loving, authentic relationship with my father without disrespecting the woman that he chose. I would ask her that question. That's just me because I'm bold. I come from Brooklyn. I'm bold like that. I'm coming right up in your face. But that's me. You don't have to do that where you live, probably in the Midwestwest in Washington. Oh yeah, See, y'all are strange out there, y'all do something else. I'm from Brooklyn. I'm coming right up in your face. And I would come right up in her face and say, Miss Molly or whatever the hell come name is. This is not working. I'm no longer comfortable coming to your house and we don't speak to each other. That hurts me and it makes it's hard for Daddy. What do I need to do to make this right between us? We don't have to go get our nails done together, but I want to make it right between us, Miss Molly, so that you and Daddy can be at peace. What do I need to do? But then again, I'm from Brooklyn.

No, I like that because it takes, like you said, it takes my dad out of the middle of it, and it's woman to woman.

That's the only way you're going to fix this. Yeah, and you're looking at her. But he created it and he let it go on because before you all got to the pastor he was supposed to sit you all down and say, I'm in the middle of this. I love both of you. I want you all to work this out. What do we need to do? That should have happened twenty seven years ago?

But it didn't.

Okay, so here we are now. It's on you, Miss Molly. It hurts me. That might not be the truth. It probably pisses you off, but you can tell her it hurts you. It hurts you because it hurts your daddy. Yeah, it hurts you because it hurt your daddy. And don't go bare face, empty handed when you come to ask that question. Bring some roses or a bottle of honeysuckle or something, a chicken wing, anything. Don't just roll up like that. I apologize, Miss Molly. You know I realize I have not handled this well. I didn't know what to do. Because you the younger, you have to humble. Now. She may be old and bitter and don't care say that and say okay, but that shouldn't stop you. Every time you go to your daddy's house, you bring her something. I don't care if it's a magazine, because then she can't say you didn't speak hell.

And I'm not making excuses. I just would say that, you know, I have like here, brought over baked and something and brought it over. But the thing I think that you're pointing out is I didn't say, you know, what do we what do we need to do and apologize. I didn't humble myself.

And you didn't do it for her. The bottom line is, and this is what you've got to clean up. You don't like her. That's truth. For whatever reason. She may be a bitter old lady. I don't know. You know, she maybe feed the birds and pick up straight dogs. I don't know. But you don't like her. And probably because of the way it was established, she was forced down your throat. You didn't get an opportunity to learn her, to know her. You probably don't think she's good enough for your daddy or nice enough of you know. You got to work that out. But you got to clean that up, because if you think she doesn't feel it, you're crazy. We are all and all is one. We are all and all is one.

What does that mean?

You are all of one, We are all in this together as human beings. So you can't have a thought or a feeling that the rest of us don't get. You just can't do it. So, for whatever reason she knows you don't like her, or you have feelings about her and nonemlessen, you probably wouldn't leave us, you know, drowning on the side of the street, right. But for whatever reason, you know you have upset with her. And it's hard, you know, particularly the way we are educated, programmed and conditioned in the society as women. You know, we're expected to compete. You know, you're you're competing with her on some level. She's competing with you on some level, and she may feel you all are more important to him than her children. I don't know. She's not here. I can't speak for her, but this is this is an old thing and what you just want to do is bring it into neutrality so that a your dad's not in the middle, and b he doesn't have to deal with the queen's wrath when the when the other people on around and you you've got some judgment about that she don't treat him right, or she don't do this or that. You don't think she feels that judgment and she probably judges you too, But I'm not talking to her. I'm talking to you. So take your time, just really listen, take these words in and argue with them. You know, in the church they say, wrestle with this. Wrestle with it until you get all of the objections and the resistance subdued, and then you can do it. Because you've got objections, you got resistance. You go, well, what abouts? And you've got but she did? And how comes? Wrestle all of that to the ground. Wrestle it down. This is about making it better for everybody involved. And as as the adult woman here, I'm willing to do that. I'm willing to transition out of what was into what can be. Yeah yeah, okay, you're doing the right thing in the right way. But like I said, take your time, wrestle it down. Wrestle with it.

That gives me a breatho I mean, I you know kind.

Of yeah yeah yeah. And in the meantime, call your daddy and talk to him, you know, call her, talk to her whatever you know, But don't try to do this with a false face, because when I'm saying to you as your elder, it will make sense.

It will I receive that.

Okay, my love, I want to hear how you make out. Okay, okay, my love, thank you for calling. Alrighty bye bye. It takes a masterful awareness and a respectful understanding to create boundaries for the things that are important to you and for you. Setting boundaries is not a sophisticated way to manipulate people to get what you want. Setting boundaries is a way to keep yourself and everyone safe. Setting boundaries is the way we let people know what we expect and what we can do. Setting boundaries makes us aware and in some cases uncomfortable in certain situations. But when you create the boundary in your mind, understanding what you're going for, it supports the creation the maintenance of healthy relationships. And sometimes when you create boundaries, you have to do things that are uncomfortable, you have to say things that are uncomfortable, but you do it because it's for the good of the whole. And just because you create a boundary doesn't mean that everybody's going.

To like it.

That is not the goal. The goal is the good of the whole. It's important to have boundaries with your partners, with your children. But it's also important to have boundaries in your professional life. Things that you expect, things that you request, things that you require, and more important than that, it's important to know what to do when your professional boundaries are not honored. Take a listen. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the RT spot. I understand you have a relationship challenge, issue or dilemma that we can chew on together.

Yes, that's so exciting for me to talk you. Oh my god, it's like I want the lottery today.

Wow.

Thank you. So what is your relationship challenge issue dilemma.

I'm a teacher of adult education and I work with students who are seventeen and onwards, so there's no upper limits, and I don't have an issue with my mature students. What I'm having an issue with is my youngsters who have been through the pandemic. You know, they were the lockdown kids who a lot of them they just drifted off and they never finished school, or they were the kids with the cameras off. And now they're trying to get their high school diplomas to go on to post secondary and they're having a very hard time meeting deadlines and respecting my boundaries.

So what I want to talk about is boundaries.

Okay, you said meeting deadlines, Yeah, and your boundaries. So let's deal with the boundaries. First. Tell me what you mean by boundaries.

When I set a boundary, for example, sign up for your presentation because you're committing to that time, and I mean somebody else can't have that time, and you need to show up, need to be prepared and time and have again. With these young folks, you know, God blesshem, I have compassion for them, but it's can I do it tomorrow? Can I do it later? And the thing is I have deadlines to meet as a teacher. So I think that it's boundaries around my time, respecting my time and the class time, and respecting theirselves as well.

Well.

You know, these young ands, they are a whole new breed human. They are a whole new breed. They don't know that that's not a boundary. They don't know commitment, integrity, and accountability. I call it the CIA. They don't know. They don't know how to make honor commitments. They do not have integrity, meaning they say one thing and do something else, and they don't want to be accountable. They think they're entitled and everybody has to do it the way they think it needs to be done. It's not boundaries, although boundaries are, because they don't have boundaries. Of course, they wouldn't honor. They don't have boundaries around commitments. They don't have boundaries around integrity. They don't have boundaries around accountability. And it's not being demonstrated to them. In very few places in the world is it being demonstrated to them. So that is the issue. So the teaching then becomes how do I teach them about commitments and choices and consequences and responsibilities. How do I bring them into integrity? If they're here because they want to get a high school diploma or they want to do post secondary learning, how do I bring them into integrity with their intention and their division, And how then do I hold them accountable for the commit meant the choice that they may and how do I hold them accountable with integrity? Does that make sense?

But it completely makes sense.

And I have been exercising myn no muscle.

Like never before.

And you know, honestly, I'm proud of myself because I have held to my nose and here's the other thing on that I need to show to demonstrate, like you're saying, I need to demonstrate integrity to them so that when the first person says, can I do my presentation tomorrow, I say no, the twenty fifth person has to get the same response from me because that's just not fair.

That's right, and it's not that it's not fair, it's not congruent, and it's not an integrity. These youngins today, particularly that fifteen to twenty twenty one, not all of them, I'm not talking about all of them, but because these these are the young people that grew up in a car seat, in the back of a car looking at the back of someone's head while they were on a device. The youngsters were on a device, you know. These are the young people that learn how to text a message and not speak it exactly. These are the people that eat their dinner out of a styrofoam box instead of around the table where there's conversation and teaching. So they have arrested development. And that's not making anyone wrong or making you know, the parents had to work, that they were latchkey kids, that they didn't have community centers to go to drum and bugle cores, swimming teams, sports, because all of that is gone. So the devices that disconnect in order to be connected was their way of being. So they don't have human skills, they don't have communication skills, they don't have problem solving skills. And then because they get everything they want, they think they're entitled. You know, when you grew up, and you're probably younger than me, I wouldn't even ask the teacher could I do it tomorrow? The teacher said, doing Wednesday? You doing Wednesday? When you say no, what is their response.

Push back, to push at those boundaries.

And what does it look like just to keep asking.

The same thing again again, even though they've heard me say no for a week and a half. And sometimes I feel really manipulated.

Lack lack of integrity, lack of integrity.

And sometimes it's like, well, I bought this gift for you. I bought you a candle, I made you cookies, so now can we change the note to it? Yes, I feel really manipulated.

Well, you don't have to be manipulated, say I'll take the cookies. But he can't change his no exactly exactly. That's their hustler. They're running their racket.

Yeah.

I don't know the construction of your classroom or how this process unfolds, but there are a couple of things that I would offer you. Okay, we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back to the r spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Day one. When it butt hits the seat in the classroom, you have them create an intention statement. Okay, what is your intention?

Because because I've learned from youtation.

Okay, okay, yeah, So when when they come and ask you can I do it tomorrow and you say, here's the schedule, this is what we have to cover. This is what we have to do. If you don't do this, you're not going to meet your intention. Not going to meet your intention. It's just that simple. I'll take the cookies, I'll take the candle. But I want you to understand, if you don't do it here, you're not going to honor your intention. The other thing is with the intention, also have them create a vision. What is your vision? You want to be out of here in six weeks, twelve week, nine weeks, and when you're out of here them, what are you going to do? And what do you You're going to apply to college? What college are you applying to? And what do you want to study when you get in college? And what are you going to wear your first day in college? Create the vision for them because the vision will pull them forward. But if they circumvent the intention, they're not going to make the vision because what you're doing now is you are holding them responsible and holding them accountable to the intention they created and the vision they hold. So it ain't it's not even about your boundary. It's about their commitment to their self. It's about their commitment to their self and the choices that they make that either support or don't support their commitment than their intention. And that's how you's that's what you hold to that doesn't support your intention to move this date, You're not going to honor your intention to getting out of here in six weeks, twelve week, whatever it is. So what is the choice? And you can ask them, So what is the choice you're making right now? Okay, you're making the choice to ask me for an extension that's going to take you out of alignment with your intention? Is that what you're asking me? I can't support that? So my answer is no.

It totally makes sense. There's just one more question I have for you, if you don't mind if I if I haven't been more of your child, please Yeah. So, what I've noticed is that I'm getting pissed off. You know the first dozen knows, but are the one hundred and first No. My tone is not what I would like it to be. You know, it's a no instead of a no. So one of my colleagues said to me, you can say no without getting pissed off, and that really really resonated with me, and maybe me think about that. So I guess that's.

My question, why are you getting pissed off?

I'm getting pissed off because I feel it's like they don't have any compassion for me. I have compassion for them, and they don't see that I have to meet my expectations, you know. I don't set these deadlines to the Ministry of Education my principle and so I have to be an integrity. So I think that I just feel really frustrated and pressured, and I think that that's what makes me pissed off.

Well, that's because you're attached to the outcome. You're attached to the outcome because you have people to add answer to yes, So you've become personally involved in the outcome. Yeah, if they don't do what this supposed to do, and they don't get out of school, and you have these boundaries or this structure that you have to work within, that's not your problem. Their failure to honor the Again, if we want to use the word boundaries, to stay within the boundaries, See, a boundary is a protective device that allows you to say what goes on within this boundary. It's not a wall that keeps people out. It's a protective device. It's a purposeful structure. So the Ministry of Education, the principal, whoever, they've given you these boundaries so that their projected outcomes can be met. People come here, they stay here, three months, five months, whatever it is, and then we can move them into their choice, desire, intention to move on. So if they don't live with the those boundaries somehow or another, you've made up in your mind that it means you're failing. Yeah, so you're attached to them doing it this way so that they can get out. And it's not personal. They're crazy, they're teenagers. They are a whole new breed of human Okay, so you have to detach from the outcome, support the intention, and help them recognize the choices they're making and the commitment that's required. But if they don't make it, baby, that's okay because you stay within the boundaries that have been given to you. So instead of being pissed off saying no, make a sign, make a sign. Get you some colored index cards and write no on those index cards. And after the third time, just hand them the card. Don't even look at them. Put the sign on the desks. Put this sign on the desk, and when they're talking, point to the sign. If they keep talking, give them another card. You can make pretty flowers on the know, put some food on there, put a dead rat on there. It doesn't matter. When they just hand them the card, don't even look at them, and then go on about your business.

That's a crazy They come back again.

Hold a sign up so you don't have to be involved. You're too involved. That's why you get pissed off. Attached to the outcome.

I totally agree. I feel sometimes like I want it more than they do.

You do want it more than they do because you understand the value of it. Yes, because they're young.

Yeah, that totally makes sense. So I hold so much value and so much honor in the work that I do, and I think that you know, what I hear you saying is that I'm.

Just too attached.

Remember, a boundary sets the limits of movement or behavior. It's a construct that supports you in reaching a specific experience or goal or or destination. Yeah, And boundaries are also signs and symbols of self respect and respect for others. When you're honoring somebody's boundary, you're respecting what they say they need or what they've created to support their intention and what they're supporting their vision. But a lot of these young people haven't been taught self respect or respect of others. They just haven't been taught it. And if they turn on the news, they're not seeing it, and if they look at the videos, it's not there. So they're making stuff up along the way. So when you start talking to a person about who doesn't know have self respect, who doesn't think anybody else is entitled to respect, they don't understand how to follow prescribed expectations and limits on behavior because it's all about them, particularly the seventeen year olds. It's all about them. Everything's about them, make a sign, get a bunch of indicks, cards different colors, put some pitches on there. And the word no no doesn't support your intention, beloved, you're making the wrong choice. No no. My five year old great grandson when he wants to do certain things and I say, okay, what's your choice, because I've got to teach him because he's not seeing it in the world, Or when he does something and I say, why did you make that choice? And I don't teach him pun and you're bad and wrong. I teach this is a consequence. He knows that if he doesn't eat his broccoli, the consequence is no dessert. Sorry, I want you to have the ice cream sandwich. I do, I really do. That's why I bought him. But no broccoli, no ice cream, consequence not punishment. So no presentation, no graduation, not punishment, just a consequence.

That's so perfect. No presentation, no graduation. I'm writing this down.

And like for me to be one of your students in the Abundance Nation like that was just such an incredible delight. But to be able to speak to in person, I can't even express it in words.

Well, I appreciate that you're open to the learning, open to the healing. You know you're a teacher, so that means you're on a lifelong learning line just like me. In order for me to teach, I'm always learning. I'm always taking another class another so that I have pure information to bring forward. So go get your index cards. Make your no sign. Make a nice no sign, laminated and just showing the sign. Yeah, don't support your intention. Yeah, And don't be attached to if they make the choice not to do it and you have to give them an f don't be attached to that. It's hurtfull, it's painful, but understand you want it more than you understand the value of it more than they do, because they're young and they have to learn. That's how they're gonna learn. I learned, you know, they're old saying women have sometimes you know, all men are dogs. But I learn that if I kept putting dog food out on the porch, the dogs were gonna come to eat it. I had to stop putting dog food on the porch. Okay, yeah, I means I had to look at me, not the dogs. Yeah, so now you can look at you detach, make your no sign, hold your boundaries and You'll be fine.

Absolutely, Thank you.

Okay, yes, all right, thank you for love it.

Yeah, I just love you so much.

I love you back.

You have.

Okay, bye?

Fine, care fine.

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries, How do we keep ourselves safe? How do we keep other people safe? How do we do what is required? How do we support people in doing what they desire? Boundaries, But boundaries have other elements that both parties must align with. In order to have a boundary and hold a boundary, in order to honor a boundary, you must have commitment. You must make your choices. You must have integrity. That means you must be committed to what it is you say you want. That means you must make choices that honor where it is you say you're going. And you must be held accountable for your agreements, for your choices, for your commitments. And the only way to hold people accountable is to have clear consequences when a commitment is broken or a poor choice is made. Boundaries, Well, beloved, we have reached the end of the very first season of The R Spot. I want to thank Shondaland and iHeartRadio for providing me, providing us with this space and opportunity to discuss an area of life that affects us, all that area being relationships. Then I want to thank my guests. I want to thank I guess for their courage, their trust, and their willingness. Thank you for being willing to share your story, and thank you for trusting me with your story and most of all, for trusting me with your heart. I do not take it lightly, and I just want to acknowledge and thank you. Finally, to all of you who listen to The R Spot, thank you, Thank you for supporting this podcast. Thank you for honoring yourselves and this work. Thank you for making our first season so successful. And it is because of you that we will be back for season two. So, as my teacher once told me, listen for the drum and for the calling of the drum. That's how you'll know when we'll be back for season two. In the meantime, stay in peace in all of your relationships so that you don't find yourself in pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows,

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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