Iyanla believes that a betrayal of trust by a family member can be one of the most difficult relationships to heal from, but also one of the most beneficial. And two callers this week have detailed stories of betrayal to share on their paths toward healing. One caller had the police called on her after she exposed her sister’s cheating husband. And a second caller has always had contention with her three sisters, whom she now hasn’t talked to for years after a very minor disagreement.
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I am a Yamlah, and the reason I'm your guide is because I've probably experienced everything you could possibly imagine as a result of a relationship. Betrayal, abandonment, rejection, sheer, joy, sheer, utter, heartbreak, and most of all, healing, growth and evolution. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. Relationships are life's classroom. That's where we go to learn to heal, to stretch, to grow, to work through problems, to work out problems. We go into relationships to learn how to communicate. We go into relationships to learn where we're broken and wounded so that we can have an opportunity to heal. And no place do I find opportunities for healing more present than in our relationships with our family. Family relationships, whether it's mother, child, or sibling, and family relationships are lifetime relationships. If you share blood with someone, that person is going to be in your life forever. Now you get to choose how. You get to choose if you see them or communicate with them. You get to choose how you interact with them. But you cannot throw a loved one out of your heart and out of your mind. So today we are going to journey into the breakdowns and betrayals that occur in family relationships. And for some reason, we think that because they are mother or father, or sister or brother, they're not human, and because we're in relationship with someone we're related to by blood, we may think that they should behave other than human. Your mother shouldn't make any mistakes, your father shouldn't have any deficiencies, your sister should behave like you think she should, your brother shouldn't borrow money the humans. But it's those blood ties and those expectations and that closeness that we have experience that make family betrayals all the more difficult to live through and sometimes to heal. But family relationships there your foundation. That's where you learned everything about relationship. So when there's a breakdown in a family relationship, trust me when I tell you it's gonna stir up all of your stuff. And if you don't address it as if you're human are in relationship with another human, if you don't surrender your expectations of the other person, it's going to be really, really hard to heal. But we're going to talk about that and so much more today here on the Our Spot as we take a deep, hard look at family betrayals. Welcome to the Our Spot where we discuss all things about all kinds of relationships. So glad you're here with us. So tell me what is the challenge issue problem that you're having and in what relationship that we can talk about today that's been betrayed by a husband? Um? Friends, Um, I got over them, but betrayed by family members, especially your sisters and mothers and father. We cool up in the same house, so I really, UM didn't expect that at all from her. So your sister betrayed you, Yes, my sister, Okay, tell me what happened. So happen is? Um? I was at the time, I was young and I was married, my first husband, and we had three little kids, there were three, four and five, and I was going through so much. I was losing apartment and she said, Florida has had too bad. At least it's not cold. Because I was in Connecticut. She said, why don't you move to Florida and you can stay with me, and you know from there you can get a job, and you know you can get back on your feet and you know, stuff like that, and it sounded good. So I moved. I left her husband behind, and I told him, you know, I was gonna move to Florida and get a better job. When I get an apartment, and I would call for him, you know, things like that. Um. So when I came to Florida just two weeks later, it was her boyfriend at the time, but they were living in together, and this man started asking me out. I wish I had met you first. Um. Every time she goes to work, he will try to talk to me. Um, let's go out. She want to know, And I didn't feel right, just keep saying no to him and her not knowing. So I just thought that was a bad man. I'm gonna tell her, you know, don't marry someone like that, you know, just take him to the curve. And so I told her. Um. But I called her from work and I told her, I said, I over her him talking to all the women too, and not just me. She said, oh my god, you're right, because the name you told me, it's true. She said, when I come home, it's gonna kick him out. So when she came home, she had a night job, evening jobs, so she came over on eleven thirty. I was sleeping by then with the kids. Um, and next ting I know the police were there. So the police said, she wants me to get out right now, and AS thought she was kidding. So I went back in my in the room where I was staying, and I with the kids. The kids were sleeping and we continued to sleep and next time I know the police that I gotta get out or they will already me. So I saw that she was really um. She wasn't joking. So I was crying and crying. So I got out. I didn't even have a car, so I managed to call her best friend, and her best friend came. She she came got me. I mean think that was after that, but that's all. Bottom line is I just couldn't believe that she would do that. Wow, So that's the story. Yeah, So how long ago did that happen? It happened so long ago, And that's what I would think by now, she would, you know, be better. My son was five and he's six now. Wow, So twenty one years ago, your sister chose a man over you. Yes, and it didn't last for her, It didn't even last. That doesn't matter what we're looking at is what happened and how you healed it, because the truth is it's still not healed. Yes, if she still isn't speaking to you, or if you'll still don't have a relationship, but it's not me, it is you. It's always you. Yeah, it's always you. And so the question becomes in your mind, in your quiet times, in the darkness, when nobody else is around, what are the doubts that you have or the questions you have about whether or not you did the right thing by telling her. Well, I still feel that I did the right thing, because if I didn't do that and she married him for all the things that I've heard that she went through with him, then I would feel guilty. I would have felt like, like what now, I don't feel guilty because I don't feel like I did anything wrong. But if I did tell her and she married him and then they got a divorce because she was cheating doing all these bad things, then I would have thought that if because I didn't tell her, to see, you did tell her, she married him anyway and it ruined your relationship. So here's the question, because we're just looking for the place that we can go in and clean up any residue, and it's her choice. She may maybe she don't like you. She she's got that right. Her job is not to like you. She's still your sister. She don't have to like you. The question is we are in your mind and heart and the secret places. Do you question or doubt? Maybe I shouldn't have told her. Maybe if I hadn't told her, maybe it wasn't my place to tell her. Do you have any of those thoughts, feelings, you know in your quiet time? Um? Yes, sometimes I do feel maybe I should because, like her friend told me, she knew already. She said, if you had told me first, I would have told you. She already knew. So it would have been a better just not to tell her because she would have taken that path of marrying him. Anyway, What was your intention for telling her? What did you want to happen when you told her that? Yes, because she had already married um from high school and that didn't go well. That was the main reason she moved to Florida and right away she met this guy and then he was doing that again. So on my mind, like, well, let me prevent her from making another mistake. That was the main reason. Did she excuse to help her, No, mm hmmm. And did she ask you to protect her from her mistakes? No? No, no, mm hmm. So you took it upon yourself to do that. And I'm not saying it was wrong, because that is a challenge I learned very young in my life with my best friend. We're still friends to this very day. But I learned very young in life the last thing you want to do is tell a woman something about her. Man. Yeah, I'm learned that now, but I wouldn't think that. Yes, but I want to help you understand that's the last thing you want to do. And I faced that situation twice. I must have been about seventeen. It happened with my best friend and I said something to her about him, and she cut me off and it took us a number of years to repair that relationship. But it was when she got clear that, oh my god, you know you were just trying to help me and I was stupid and blah blah blah. The second time it happened, because I learned from the first time, I didn't say anything to her. I said it to him. I said, if you ever open your mouth and say that to me again. I'm gonna tell her, and I'm gonna tell her in your face, because I learned it's very hard to tell a woman something about her. Man. I get that you were trying to protect your sister, but in that moment, she was not your sister. She was just another woman, and you were a threat to her. You get that. I didn't see it like that at all. I'm glad I called. The other thing is, can you imagine how guilty, not guilty, but how embarrassed she is that you were right? Mm hm, you know that's all key tent right there. You're very right about that. I've been thinking about that, lady, I said, she wants to be embarrassed because she probably cannot believe that I'm willy forgiving her also for taking me out. Maybe it has nothing to do with her forgiving you, and everything to do with her forgiving herself. Yeah, she cannot forgive you until she forgives herself. And there's probably a laundry list of things that she needs to forgive herself for. First of all, she knew if you knew, and her best friend knew she knew, and she hoped he would be different. Mhm. That you saw it and knew that's embarrassing. Yes, that this is her second failed relationship or just another failed relationship. The shame in that, so her not wanting to you this amend this even after twenty one years, doesn't have anything to do with you and the betrayal there. While she violated your trust, she invited you to Florida, told you to come and live with her. When this situation came up, she abandoned you. That is a form of betrayal. But what you're really dealing with is watching her betray herself. Yeah, I didn't see it like that. Wow. Then we'll talk more about that right after this. Welcome back to the art spot. I am yam La. Let's get back to the conversation. So why can't I say what can I do in order for her to know that I really considar. So I went to see my father and my mom, but my thought was sick and I that's when I talked to her night. That's when I really wanted her to see that I'm her friend, said, I didn't tell about her past. I gave her money, I gave her children money, and she's still not trying to get close to me. Leave her alone, Okay, love her from a distance. Stop trying to prove because every time now the fact that you have elevated and grown and your life is shifted and she may still be struggling, that's even more embarrassing because that says that you're right and she was wrong, and she will do everything in her power for you not to see her wrongness. So every attempt that you make to repair this deepens her. Probably I don't know it to be true, but I'm just looking at it. Probably deepens her shame, her embarrassment. But you know, because trust me and her mind, you destroyed her life. Wow. So that's why I say it is you. Wow. You know cent her birthday card, a Christmas card? Leave her alone. I never understood it before, but you just said something. You said, um like, you just said that. It didn't ask me. I have lost friends over my opinion. I'm working on that. But I always felt like it's my job to tell people what I think, because I always thought that it was being honest. But I'm not so many people. Sometimes people with ages, sometimes we're not want to come close because they feel like, oh, she's gonna tell me what I should do. Well, a good practice that you can employ, or you could engage. Let's ask them so you know, I have something on my heart about you. For you, it's kind of personal, and i'd like to know if you want to hear it. And if they say, what's it about, Well, it's about your husband, or it's about your son, or it's about money, or it's about whatever. Give them the opportunity to make the choice. That way, if you give them the information what they they may still get mad at you, but at least you're sharing with them with their permission. Your sister didn't ask you to protect her. She didn't ask you to stop anything because her her life is her lessons and she's got to learn that. And that's the same is true for everybody. And here you have, like I said, in that moment, you were not her sister. You were a threat to her relationship. But she was in love. Right. Have you ever been in love with Boo Boo the Fool? Me too? Every woman has loved Boo Boo the Fool at some point or another. And and when we're in it, you can't tell us he's a fool. I don't want to hear that, and I probably don't need to hear it because there's something Boo Boo has come to teach me. Now I may have to marry six boo boos before I the lesson. And if you are blind, deaf, dumb to the fact that the person that you're with is dishonoring, you're disrespecting you, betraying you, and somebody tried to tell you, you probably wouldn't fall to your knees and say, oh, thank you, thank you for saving me from this. You'd probably have a little bit of response. Okay. So that's when I say it to you. You show the compassion um and protect yourself because it's painful to have your sister reject you. One day, she's gonna come to you and say, you know, I should have listened to you. I should have listened to you. I promise you when she gets clear, she's going to say that to you. And once she does that, then you know that the healing will happen because she has to forgive herself before she can forgive you. Okay, thank you for calling, Thank you for calling, and keep praying for her. Okay, Okay, I will light and thank you light and love, thank you. Ben betrayal, it's a really challenging topic. And while my caller felt she was betrayed, the truth is she was the witness to her sister betraying herself and she just happened to be collateral damage. She was collateral damage because she to call the police and put your sister and three children out of your house in the midnight hour. That goes beyond betrayal. That's bordering on insanity. And yes, that was a betrayal of trust. However, my caller spoke to something that is very very important for us to understand when it comes to family breakdown. If you're looking at your sister, you're younger sister, and you're trying to take care of her or your younger brother, and you're trying to guide him or your older sister, shouldn't be telling you this or that. We've got to understand that these are humans. So before they respond like a sister or a brother, they're going to respond like a human and we don't expect that, and then we take it on that because this is my sister, she shouldn't do that to me. Well, as I said to the caller, you became another woman who was a threat in her relationship. She didn't see you as a sister in that moment, and she certainly didn't ask for your advice. And that's hard. I get it. That's hard when you know something is gonna hurt someone you love, you want to try to prevent them from being hurt. But that's when I fall into or recall something that one of my teachers told me a long time ago. She said, it is hard to why watch a loved one hit rock bottom, but you must remember that God made the rock. Maybe they need to fall there so that divine intervention can lift them up. Oh, this thing with sisters, I've got another caller who's got a problem with another set of sisters, and we're gonna get to that call right after this Welcome back to the art spot. I've got another caller who has a challenge with her sister. Let's dive into that. Welcome to the art spot. I am so glad to have you here today. And what is the relationship challenge your issue you're dealing with. Well, first of all, good morning, thank you so much for taking my call. On The relationship effect I'm having is directly with my knee that it has always been with my sisters for two of my sister put it that way. Tell me more. Mmr A is the oldest Mster. B and C are twins, and so you know you had that twin type of relationship love hate, but they will always stick together no matter what. And then my niece, I would say, it will be me and she is the daughter of who she's a daughter of one of the twins or the older sister, the older sister. Okay, she's a daughter of your niece. Is the daughter of your older sister. Okay, great. My niece wanted to do a production, was doing Thanksgiving three years ago, and it was okay that she did so. And I was in charge of getting the bed and breakfast of everything for Thanksgiving and everybody together. And when she called me, she says she wanted to do it six in the morning, and I said, oh, I don't think that's a good idea because we had to get a smaller place and people would have been sleeping out over the place and bringing in cameras and you know, people from the outside at that time. But for sure, exactly how everybody will be situated in the in the bed and breakfast that we rent it. She's got a little hop and the phone hung up. Initially because I thought we had this great relationship. I'm thinking something happened because I think she was in a car accident the way she found it, and I'm like, oh my god, this happened to her, you know. So I tried calling her back several times and kept going to voicemail, and meanwhile, I'm turning to frantic because I'm thinking something that's happened to my knees. About forty minutes later, sister and the oldest sister called me and said, well, this is what we're going to do, and proceeded to say what was going to happen at the bed and breakfast? I said once, And I said to my niece, I said, did you paint that phone up for me? Because I'm trying to call you back? And she said, I would never do that. I said, but I kept trying to call you back, so obviously you were getting the call. And from that point on, everything just went downhill. What does that mean? Went downhill? She stopped speaking to me. I said, okay, And we were supposed to all go to Ghana together and I decided not to go because I'm not gonna spend this kind of money, had people not talk to me. And of course sisters, the twin sisters B and C. They just rallied around her, because that's just they were rally around anybody. And when it comes to me, I know, whatever I do something, if somebody doesn't like it, it becomes just big fiasco. You did something she didn't like. You offered her some unsolicited information and it became a big fiasco, a three year fiasco. So you got exactly what you expect it. Look at you, and I thought myself with that, I just told you do that. And see, here's the piece. When we go into anything, you may not get what you ask for in life, you may not, but you always get what you expect. And if you expect it consciously or unconsciously, sometimes you know you're doing it, sometimes you don't know you're doing it. You'll set it up. So here you made a very innocent statement, I don't think that's gonna work because we got the kids. Yes, but that wasn't your job to tell her what was gonna work and what wasn't gonna work. Because here's another possibility. Oh okay, if you're all going to do this in six o'clock in the morning. Then I don't think the children and I are going to make that because that's kind of early. But I get why you want to do that, But that's really kind of early. But when you said to her what she wanted to do wasn't a good idea, do you get that you were out of your lane? Yeah? I agree. What she did was then she went to her mother, your older sister, knowing that she could whip you into shape. Absolutely. And you said another interesting thing. You said, the twins will rally around anyone when it comes to me. What does that mean? I'm involved and anything becomes contentuous. It's always which would be her phone, no metal. But because it's just me, We've always had this relationship like that. I'm not sure why, but it's always been like that. Okay, so there's the older sister, then there's you, then there's the twins. So you're the middle child. That's why it happens. That's why it happens because you're the middle child. And it ain't personal. It's what they call the middle child syndrome. I can't help being the middle child. Well no you can't. But here's what the middle child is. Clutch your pearls the middle child is a pain in the butt. Okay, the middle child is a pain in the butt. And the older one is always saying who side you on? And the younger ones are saying whose side is she on? The older one will say, you better be on my side, and the younger ones will say, she ain't on my side. It ain't personal, it's it's just how it happens with siblings. And then if you happen, by some slight freaking nature, you know, to be an opinionated middle child, well then you just you just you jacked up. They you jacked up you if you got an opinion, because the big one thinks you need to follow me, and the little one thinks if I follow her, the big one's gonna get me, So I'm usually gonna do what the what the older one is saying, that's just it's just sibling rivalry. It's just how it happens. But if you hold it in consciousness that the two of them, because they're twins and they have that bond, are against you, and that the older one thinks she's the boss of you, and you're gonna do everything in your power to prove to her she ain't the boss of you. If you hold that in consciousness, yeah, it's always gonna be your fault because you are going to get what you expect, and that's to be who's faulted it. Now, if your son's back up or withdraw, that creates an issue between them and their aunt's, between them and their cousins. So how one slight misunderstanding, how one misstep could create a total breakdown in the family is very, very intriguing and exciting to me. Well, it's not just one misstep. It's been many over the forty something years. Yes, but but but putting to that, there was always tension with the person that I married. I found out after I was married to him that she had went to bed with him us. But I think that really masticized it. Hold up one second, you found out that your sister slept with your husband. Was he your husband when she slept with him? No, he was not. No, Okay, So prior to prior to that, yeah, okay, And she didn't she didn't tell you that. He didn't tell me that, and he, of course he didn't tell me that. And how I found out it was like she was always calling me having something negative to say about him. Do you have a pencil and a piece of paper near you? I want you to write this down. Okay, jay E A l you as why what what did you just write? Now? Are you gonna act like you don't know that exists? Because it's your sister. You're trying to make sense out of it. But you're talking about siblings and the natural things that happened amongst siblings. Oh, she's doing it better, or she they like her more, or she does it faster. You know, it's just jealousy simply means it's an unpleasant suspicion or a perceived sense of rivalry, which happens among siblings. Among sisters, then you're talking about four girls. And then you know, if jealousy doesn't get addressed or handled, it can elevate into envy, which simply means I want what you have and I'm mad because you have it. Remember that when it comes to a breakdown in a family, one of the hardest things to do, and one of the most important things to do, is to get on the other person's side of the table, look back at the experience and say, what must they have been thinking or feeling to behave like that? What must they have not what I did and didn't do, and what I said and what they said. Look back, get on the other side and look back, because that's really the only way you can heal it. The only way you can heal it is to see my I must have hurt my niece or she she misunderstood what I said or my tone of voice was off that she could have perceived it. You have to look back if you want to clean this up. What I would offer is if your sister is the oldest, write or a letter and I start right, you know, wham bam, right between the eyes, I would ask her sometimes I feel like, no matter what happens, I'm the blame. I'm asking you to help me understand why I feel like that. Do you have any idea why? And as the middle child, I know that I can be annoying or whatever, and it really makes me sad because see, you're talking about all these problems. You're not talking about your sadness. There's a sadness there that this is going on with you and your sister's Okay, okay, this is good. So there's a lot of healing that can be done here. But I would encourage you to consider making your older sister your ally. Does that sound like something you might want to consider? Mm hmm. I want you to give me a call in about three months and let me know how this thing turned out. Okay, I will, and I think I'm gonna have the conversation with Okay, well, prepare yourself, get ready, pray about it, and move forward so much okay, love, bye bye. When it comes to any kind of breakdown, but specifically a breakdown among siblings where they are more than one sibling involved, your birth order plays a very important role because your birth order has determined your bonding patterns, and those bonding patterns come into play. So, as my caller said, it seems to her that the two younger sisters bond together and the fact that they're twins doesn't help, and that they bond to the older sister, and then because she's the middle child, she feels out of place. But it's really some of the breakdowns that we experience among siblings or as siblings, really have to do with our birth order and our bonding pattern and how we see ourselves in that family. But when you add to that the fact that because of our birth water and because of our family dynamics. We don't always speak the truth. We don't truth speak to one another. That's what creates the dust bunnies under the bed. And then there's a big blow up and the whole bed is on fire and we can't figure out why. It's because of those dust bunnies. The things you haven't said, the things you have let go, the things you've been holding in your mind, in your heart, that become the filter and become your expectations. Mind this, mind this. You may never get what you ask for, you will always get what you expect, because an expectation is a belief on steroids, and a belief is a thought fueled by emotion, and emotion is what determines the tides of our life. I really hope that my caller and her sisters can start cleaning up some of those dust bunnies. There's a lot of them. There are a lot of them. It's doable. Just hold the vision. Hold the vision. I don't care how deep the breakdown is. Hold the vision that the relationship can be healed, and then take appropriate steps and start with telling the truth, not accusation. Tell the truth. This is how I feel, This is what I'm thinking, this is what I thought? What did you feel? What did you think? In other words, get on the other side of the table, Get on the other person side of the table, and look back and be willing to hear what they say. Not try to fix it or change it. Just be willing to hear what they say. And sometimes for siblings, particularly because of the birth order and the bonding pattern, that can be difficult, but it can be healed. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from s on the Land Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. H