This week, Iyanla dedicates an episode to Grandma Schnookums – a particular type of elder woman of an older generation. Iyanla’s caller is a 30-year-old man who is in conflict with his grandmother after calling her out for being rude and embarrassing on Facebook. But Iyanla takes the conversation down an unexpected route – Should the caller be taking 100% of the responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship?
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I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. In today's world, one of the main complications in our relationship is the generation gap. Millennials and exers and zeers and baby boomers and World War Two. We all see life differently, and we're trying to get each other to see the world in life the way we see it, and that can create a breakdown in the relationship. That is the exact situation of my first caller today. Take a listen. Greetings, beloved, and welcome to the R Spot. What is your relationship challenge? Is your dilemma that we can nibble on together today?
Well, thank you for taking my call. So excited and nervous, But but I'm excited.
Don't be nervous. I don't I don't bite. I only bite on Wednesdays when the moon is full and the date is an odd number, and none of that is happening today.
All right, I am calling because I have not spoken with my grandmother in almost three months, and I am calling for a perspective on that and how to move forward.
Okay, go ahead.
So I have not talked to her since very early January. So it started because we went to a funeral role my sister's grandmother funeral. So me and my sister have different deaths, and her grandmother on her dad's I passed away, and so me and my grandmother and you know, my mom and some other family members we went to support my sister and my mom and my stepfather. And so after the funeral, you know, I call my my nana, who I talked to every day, you know, who who raised me, and I just asked her how the funeral went, you know what she thought, you know, just regular talk, and she said, you know, it was a good service, but she was disappointed in the people who were walking and you know, walking around during prayer or talking during the sermon or things of that nature. And so you know, she's a church girl, you know, like that's who she is. And so I just sort of told her, I say, you know, different generation, not everybody goes to church as much. And I'll say, you know, like people grieve differently, so I'll just you know, So we just sort of had that little disagreement. And then about two hours later, I got like four or five text messages from like my cousins, my friends who like have friended my grandmother on Facebook, and they it was a screenshot of something that she of a status that she posted, and essentially she said on the status like I went to my you know, son in law's mother's funeral, and I was disgusted by the behavior that I saw, and people were talking and I wanted to tell them to shut the f up, and it was just really like it was like wow. And so I felt really embarrassed that people were sending me that, primarily because you know, folks really you know, like folks know that me and her are super closed. And I also, I was like, we just talked about this, So I was kind of shocked that it was now on facebooks for one hundred people to comment on. So I called her and I I said, Nana, now, why did you you know post that on Facebook? And she said, I said it and I meant it, and she told me that I'm not her mother. I can't tell her what to do and things kind of just went down from there.
I saw what does that mean? What does that mean? Things went down from there.
So we normally talk every day and we kind of stopped talking, and then when we saw each other, the relationship was very like it was very awkward. So my great grandmother, which is her mother, turned one hundred and three recently and I saw her, and I saw my nana for the first time since that since the funeral, at that birthday party, and I was like, well, maybe it's over now. So I went to go and greet my grandmother because that's what you do, you greet your grandparents when you walk in the building. And I went in to give her a hug, and she like pushed her hand out and was like no, no, no, And I was like, again, very embarrassed. And then I also turned thirty recently and I had a dinner plan for me that my partner planned and he didn't invite her because he thought that we were beefing. And I say, no, you cannot invite my mom and not invite my grandmother. So then I was like, called my name, I said, hey, there's a dinner happening tonight. I didn't know what was happening, but you're welcome to attend. And she attended the dinner. She didn't really talk to me, you know, she you know, we hugged, but I told her that I loved her, and she said, I don't know about all of that. And then when she left the when she left the dinner, she told me, you're still on my list, which is like she's still upset with me. So I guess I'm just like not sure why the aggression towards me when I don't think I did anything wrong. And I guess I'm also just like struggling Missy Iswa because it's like most people tell me, like you need to call your grandmother you never know, like she's getting older and then and like, you know, like like just let this go. But I also just feel like, you know, I thought the Facebook status was really disrespectful, and I thought that the way I've been treated has been disrespectful, and so I'm finding it hard to like just let this go and like allow for her to like not take accountability for this because of her age and status and our family. So I thought I would call you for advice on that.
Oh Lord, So I want to ask you a couple of questions and then I will share with you as a great grandmother, that's what I am. How old is your grandmother.
That's a good question. I don't think I actually know, but probably somewhere between like sixty and seventy two in that range.
Okay, so she's my age. So we're talking about Grandma Snookeems. That's what I call women in that age group, because they just say what they want to say, and you know, they they lay it down and you know it's coming from a very deep place, based on our upbringing, based on our sense of right, based on our sense of whatever, And if we haven't done our own internal work, then we are right and you're wrong, and I'm gonna make you wrong, and I'm gonna let you know you wrong. That's Grandma snook Ems. Okay. If you've done your work as an elder woman, as a wise woman, then you understand that there's a distinction in the generations, and that how you see it as a grandma, a great grandma, a wise woman, is not how the younger generations see it. Everything I did from the time I was sixteen on up to you know, thirty five, my grandmother perceived it as I was going straight to hell. When I wore my booty shorts, I was defiling the Lord and I was going to hell. And when I, you know, live with a man without the benefit of marriage, the Lord was outraged and I was going to hell. That's Grandma snookems. She you know, she has a set of values. So let me ask you a couple of questions and then we'll see how we're going to unravel this. Let me just say, let me announce this. There's going to come a moment when I'm going to share with you the most appropriate response to this, and you are not going to like it. I just want you to know that I know that already and that we'll work through it when we get there. If you don't like it, you tell me why and we'll work through it. Okay, because I can tell you right now at thirty, you are not gonna like what I have to say. Okay. First, first question, Okay, is your relationship with your grandmother an important relationship in your life?
Yes?
Okay? Why is it an important relationship? Listen to me, listen, listen my relationship with my nana and see. I know it's important because when you call her Nana. That's a whole that's a whole thing. Okay. My relationship with myne Nana is important to me, because that's what I want you to say, My relationship with my nana. Go ahead.
My relationship with my nana is important to me because she was very instrumental in my upbringing and all the successes that I have now is because of her teachings and her support when I came out. She was someone who, you know, really covered me through some very troubling time. Yeah. Like she's just somebody who is like has always been there for me throughout my entire life, you know, like she's like she's my second mother.
So if I can translate that, and you tell me if this is accurate, and if it's not, that's fine, we can retranslate it. My relationship with my Nana is important to me because of how she has stood for me and stood with me. My relationship with my Nana is important because of what she has taught me. My relationship with my Nana is important to me because of the value that she has brought into my life. Does that cover it?
Yes?
Yeah, that feels a little different.
Right mm hmm.
Yeah, we'll talk more about it when we come back. Welcome back, I am yan len. This is the R spot. So your relationship with your nana is important to you. Yes, let me ask you this question. Do you value your nana as a person? Yes, go ahead, tell me why.
Well. I value her as a person because I this is a kind of a complex question for me. One is I think she's someone who is uh sometimes misunderstood, and because of our closeness, I sometimes really know her. I know what she's been through. I know that you know how she was raised is very different from her sisters. And I know the way that she feels in regard to how and you know, and and where she stays and and our family and some of the dissonance that exists there. And so I see her humanity as well.
Uh huh.
This is the very first time her and I have like really sort of been at odds in my entire life.
So and that's painful, isn't it?
Yes?
Okay, So I value my Nana because of our connection. I value my Nana because I know her heart. I value my Nana because I appreciate and understand her story and her history. I value my Nana because sometimes people don't appreciate who she is and what she brings to the table. Does that get it all?
Absolutely?
Okay, Now this question is a little more difficult, but so I want you to just just think about it. Okay, do you believe she values you? It doesn't matter what the answer is. Do you believe she values you.
That's a good question. I would say she does.
And what is the evidence that you have for that?
I think throughout my life, especially like in my later twenties, you know, like there's some conversations that we've been able to have, you know, particularly as it returns, like what it means to be like black and black and gay, and like she's asked me questions about that experience and about just like you know, like he's ask me questions about my life as she's trying to like gain understanding as a baby boomer, you know, and like what it means for me to live my life as a millennial, and like some of the different opinions that you know, and differences that we have in our generation. And so there are there have been some moments in which she has asked me about to clarify certain experiences or certain thoughts that I may have.
Had, So she didn't condemn you, she didn't judge you. She made inquiries. So she values your life experience, she values your story, and she has made efforts to understand.
Yes, but I will say that if she disagrees or something just doesn't sit right with her, she's gonna let me know.
Like Grandma Snookums, Grandma Snookems, that's what they do, that's what they do. Sniggles is going to let you know, and she's gonna hold her.
Position, absolutely, absolutely hold it down.
But does she does she throw you under the bus?
No? Oh, she doesn't throw me under the buzz Okay, But I will say that there's like I've seen her do it to others, and I think that that particularly my mom that I think like also sits with me sometimes, so like I've never been on this side of the table, but I've seen this exact scenario play out with my mom throughout our upbreak.
Well, don't pay that no mind, because as a male, you will never understand. You will never understand that breakdown because children bring to life the subconscious issues of the parents. So your mom brings to life the subconscious issues that Grandma Snookkelms has about herself. So the things that she sees in your mom she doesn't like are probably the things about herself she has never accepted understood. So that tension, that tension you you, you can't do nothing with that. And I can imagine watching the way she may treat or ill treat your Mother's difficult for you as a man. But just breathe and pray. So what I'm hearing you say, beloved, is that your relationship with your nana is an important relationship. I'm hearing you say that your you value your gramm, your nana as a person, and you believe she values you as a person. Is that accurate? Okay, here's the other question. Are you willing? Now this is probably the one that you're not gonna like. So it's okay, are you willing to take one hundred percent responsibility for the current state of your relationship? One hundred percent responsibility? I am That would be a no. That would be a no. You took too long to answer. Okay, go ahead, ask me what you want to ask me, which is probably why do I have to take one hundred percent responsibility?
That is a question?
Yes, yeah, that's the question. I know these questions Okay, why because each person in the relationship is one hundred percent responsible for the state of the relationship, each person. But I'm not talking to Grandma, I'm not talking to Nana. I'm talking to you. Yeah, so you have to look at you and take one hundred percent responsibility for this breakdown, even if you don't understand what she did or why she did it, or what you did or what you should have done, or just say I accept responsibility. I'm responsible for it all, and then we can look at how it is that you can begin to approach it. Now. If I were talking to her, I would ask her the same question, But I ain't talking to her, talking to me. Yeah, so I can't give you sixty percent of forty percent of seventy five percent. You have to accept one hundred percent of the responsibility for your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors, your actions, your reactions, your responses, your speaking that has caused this breakdown in the relationship. We're not talking about right, wrong, fair, unfair. We're talking about how you showed up in the moment and contributed to the state of the relationship. Can you take one hundred percent responsibility for that?
I can take one hundred responsibility for.
That, okay, because you thought she was wrong, you thought she shouldn't have did it, you were embarrassed, you tried to correct her. That's what we're asking you to take responsibility for.
Yeah, not for what.
She said or didn't say or First of all, I'm just shocked and horrified that grandma was on Facebookaddy, and she's in my age group. I don't be on Facebook talking about people. I can't even I'm you know what I'm I am actually impressed that she knew what Facebook was.
Well, when you're retired, you know what I mean, you sometimes find things to.
Do and well, big up to Grandma, Big up to grandma. Okay, So you are willing to accept one hundred percent responsibility for your thoughts, your reaction, your feelings, your judgments, your whatever. One hundred percent. Very good. That's good. Now let me ask you the final question. Are you willing to do the work to heal this relationship no matter what Grandma does.
I'm scared, but I am Okay.
That's all we have to do. We don't have to be scared. It's an important relationship to you. You value her, You're willing to take responsibility, and you're willing to do the work. So the first work you have to do is eliminate all judgments. You judged what she did as wrong.
M hm.
Is that accurate?
Yes?
Okay, that's a judgment. It's your judgment. Yes, Understanding who she is that you value, understanding her story, understanding what she's contributed to your life, how she stood with you, how she stood for you, how she's made the attempts to understand you. The people that she was disturbed with by their behavior, which Grandma Snookums would be. And when I say Snookums, I'm talking about a general population of elder women. Okay, snookes. How she did that, you said that was wrong. Knowing her story, understanding her experience, understanding where she's come from, you judged her as wrong and didn't give.
Her the.
Privilege of expressing herself m which she gave you when you came out. There were people who thought you were wrong. Would that be accurate?
That would be accurate.
Oh so why wouldn't you afford her the same privilege that she has afforded you? Can you see what I'm saying here? Yes, I'm not saying what you did was wrong or what you said was wrong. I'm asking you to accept responsibility for it and get on hers get on the same side of the table with her. You didn't have to like it, and you certainly had. You certainly had the right to voice to her you didn't like it, but understanding who she is and where she came from and what her story was, it was the judgment of it. Tell me what you hear me saying. I want to make sure we got this.
So what I hear you saying is that it's not that my opinion of what she said was wrong. It was what was behind the opinion that caused a big breakdown more than anything.
Damn got it? Do you forgive yourself for that?
I need to?
Yeah, you can.
Yeah.
And again we're not we're raising this up. This is not about right or wrong. It's just about looking at the entire picture, getting on the same side of the table of something that you value. That doesn't mean you have to silence yourself or hold yourself back. You have absolutely had the right. The thing is, and these are the four questions that you have to be mindful of. So what do we do now? We'll talk about that right after this break Welcome back to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left are. When you spoke to Nana about her Facebook post, and like I said, I'm impressed that Nana was on Facebook. That would have made me happier than what she said. She didn't mention your name, she didn't talk about you. She was talking about people she probably don't even know. And you know, if they see it, they see it. If they don't, they don't. What the heck. She's sixty eight years old, She's got a right to her opinion. You know, when the people get on Facebook and talk about people well they don't know, and cancel people and condemn people, you know, everybody's in their judgment. So I'm not saying you were wrong in what you were saying. What I'm saying is did something need to be said to her? Did it need to be said by you? Did it need to be said when you said it? And did you say it in a way that Grandma Snookums could hear it? Those are the four things. Did something need to be said? Maybe something didn't need to be said, but did it need to be said by you? Understanding your relationship with her, understanding your value of her, understanding her value of you. Did it need to be said by you or did it need to be said by the people she was talking about. Were you one of the people walking around and talking during the service.
I certainly was not.
So why did you feel you had to defend those people she was talking about?
Because I felt like in the moment that it well won. If I'm mean, if I'm taking a responsibility, it's because I felt embarrassed, that's right, and said, whoa, this is your nana talking like this. And I said, whoa, Nana, what's going on? So like I it is certainly because the first reason because I was triggered by my own embarrassment.
Okay, yeah, yeah, okay, So you were not trying to correct grandma. You was trying to cover yourself. I was embarrassed by my grandmother when she came up to school with her wig gone backwards. Okay, but Grandma Snookems was Russian. She put the wig on the bangs was over her ear, that was not on her forehead. And I was very embarrassed by that. But I knew enough not to open my mouth and say, Grandma's twist your wig around. I knew that mm hmmm, because I know who she is, I know her story, I know her experience, and I valued her. So I'm loving her. I'm not caring about what people are thinking and saying about her. Can you hear me?
Yes? Yes?
And do you know how embarrassing it is to have your grandma show up at the at the junior high school with bangs over her ear and a safety pending in the front of her dress.
Come on now, I would say that. The other thing that I think is the second reason to the first is I think that, you know, yeah, there might they that the people that she was talking about maybe people that we did not know, but the funeral who the funeral you know was, you know, was my sister's grandmother. That was folks that we didn't know. And so, like, I think I also just like wanted to protect her from any sort of backlash that may have had come from that like pose that garnered a lot of attentions.
So here's how you respond to that when they say, whoa is this your nana? Yes, and you know she comes from the OG. She's hard on it. You know, we just have to forgive her. That's how you respond to that. You don't get on their side and start correcting her. You can't correct Grandma Snook them. You gotta wait till the right time. Does something need to be said, does it need to be said by me? Does it need to be said now? And so, how she probably received what you were saying was you were taking their side against her m hm. And that's not what you do in your relationship with someone that has stood with you and for you, someone of the og of the old guard.
Right.
Can you see that? Yeah, I'm not making you wrong, but I want you to see it from a broader perspective.
Yes, that makes sense.
Okay, So you got to forgive yourself for that. You got to forgive yourself for being embarrassed by your grandmother. You got to forgive yourself for thinking she has to live up to some social more rays. Because you're all millennials and young folk, you know you'll go along with it, with the public opinion and all of that. Grandma Snooks don't care nothing about that nothing. Let me ask you a question. Do you know how to set a table for a meal? Do you know how to set a table?
Yes? Because she made me all.
Right, this is what I'm talking about, okay, mm hmm. That's a value to you. And I'm also shocked in hard fund that she used the F word out loud, the little church lady. She was having a bad day. Okay, so here's your prescription, beloved. What does she like? What does Grandma Snookums like? What does your nana like to she?
She loves a good pound cake, she loves this dky perfume, She loves soap operas, she loves she loves sentimental things like picture frames of us and you know those types of things.
Do you have a nice recent picture of you and her?
I do?
Maybe at the funeral. You know, has she seen the picture?
I don't think so.
Okay, So you're gonna go to the home goods or somewhere and buy a really extravagant frame and put that picture in it. Okay, and you're gonna get a pound cake, and you're gonna call grandma and ask if you can come over and bring her some stuff. And she might say yes, she might say no, so you might have to ask her a couple of times. You ask and say, okay, well let me know when I got something for you, I want to bring it over, just like nothing happened. You want to bring it over. Okay, it might take two or three times because Grandma Snooklm's gonna hold her ground, right, And how you can disarm her is when you call or when you email her or whatever you do. Say Grandma, I know, Nana, I know I'm on your list because that way you're acknowledging her. I know I'm on your list, but I have some things that I want to bring over for you. Let me know when I can come. And she's not going to answer you the first time. Two three days later, you write her again, Nana, I know I'm still on your list, and that's okay, but I have some things I want to bring to you. I'm just telling you how to work Snookums down. You got to get to her, okay, yeah, yeah yeah. And when you go, you take that picture, you take the pound CA, you go around soap opera time, or if you don't want to watch the soap operas, go before, or you can go with soap opera time. And then when she sits down to watch, I didn't even know soap operas was still on. Oh she's streaming him. Okay, And when you get there, this is what you're going to offer her, Nana, my relationship with you is important in my life. I value who you are and everything that you've been to me and done for me. And I acknowledge that I have offended you, and I'm here to ask for your forgiveness. She may give you a little pushback, and then you have to ask her, Nana, what do I need to do to fix this? How can I make it better now? Because I don't. I'm not happy with this going on between us. I acknowledge that I offended you. That's all you have to say, and let her say whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever she says. Here's your party line. What do I have to do to fix this? That's all. Don't fight to be right. Don't tell her she was wrong.
Don't.
And if you have to make any confession at all, what you confesses. I said that because I was embarrassed because people were judging you and I wanted to defend you, and instead of defending you against them, I came after you and I was wrong. How does this feel in your body? Does this make sense to you? Can you see where we're going here?
I absolutely see where we're going, and it's definitely it's heavy, but I understand the assignment.
She's an elder, yeah, and she sees things a certain way. And I don't know if she watched Diamla fix my life, but I've dealt with many of them. She's probably hurt that you took their side against her, and she heard it as you telling her what to do, not as you were trying to protect her from scorn and condemnation. That none of that matters. This is an important relationship in your life, and you value her and the relationship and you're willing to take one hundred percent responsibility for it no matter what she does. So the question becomes, what do I need to do to fix this? If you lift the judgment out of it that what she did was wrong, that what she did she shouldn't have done, that what she did, lift all of that out, and the goal here is to be reconnected to your nana because it's an important relationship. That's the goal. It doesn't matter what she does, and you keep going in, she's gone crack. I'm telling you, as a great grandma, a woman of my age, I've got ten grandchildren and three great grands great grants, so I know how to make her crack. I'm just telling you these secrets. Don't ever reveal them publicly. Notice ours is an important relationship, Nana. I miss you, and I acknowledge that my approach to this situation was wrong. What do I need to do to fix this? I value you. This is an important relationship. I miss you. Hell, she might bake you a pound cake when you done with that her know you miss her? Yeah, let her know you miss her, and you keep going in. She'll crack. I know I'm on your list, but I have some things for you.
Okay, Well I get her. Go find a pound.
Cake, get a good one. Yeah, it's I just want you to understand you're not wrong. She's not wrong, but the judgment underneath it, her judgment of the people, that's her judgment. I can't deal with that because I'm not talking to her. I'm talking to you, so I can talk to you about your judgments, your emotions, your feelings and how this happened and what you're willing to do. It'll be fine, but don't let it keep going on. Don't let it be a year and two years or whatever. When you do a little work, you know, sit with this for a couple of days, feel it, understand it, was my embarrassment that made me challenge her. It was my need to protect her that made me judge what she did. It was my response to the people, that's your nana. If I can sit with my grandmother with her wig on crooked, you can sit with your grandma when she uses the F bomb on Facebook. And again, I'm really impressed that she's on Facebook.
Yeah, We've had many of a sessions to walk her through it. So I see the pronoun and you.
Need to say to her, Nana, you know you gotta be. I want you to be, not you gotta be. Don't ever use gotta with grandma snookems. I want you to be a little more mindful of things you put on Facebook because they live forever, and I don't want, you know, one day when we have to go to your funeral, somebody's reminding somebody about the stuff you said on Facebook. That stuff lives forever, Nana, So I just want you to be mindful, okay, because I love you and I don't want people talking bad about Minna.
Yes, okay that I'm gonna steal that, thank.
You, okay, Okay, Yeah, we all have to be careful because people will whip that stuff out. Yeah, you'll be fine. Tell me tell me something you know now that you didn't know when you're called here today.
I didn't think about the judgment piece and taking accountability for that, I think is a really important revelation for me. Is like there's a you know, there's a difference between like sharing what you think and like being explicit about the intention behind that. So that's so that the judgment does not you know, over like like supersede or it doesn't taint.
Yeah, it doesn't taint what it is that you're offering. Judgments will do that as soon as you get in the right, wrong, good, bad, fair, unfair? Should shouldn't that the judgment is going to taint your intention for what it is that you're doing. And also being clear about there's something need to be said, there's something need to be said, now does it need to be said by me? And can I say it in a way I would want to hear it. Those four things are very important because it may have been another You know, Nana, you got to be mindful about what you put on Facebook because that list forever and people will see that and they'll have all and I know you don't care about that, But I care. I don't want people coming for you because of something you put on Facebook in the hot moment. Mmmmmmm, she's got to know you're on her side. She's upset because you took their side against her right.
Oh man, communication.
Yes, sir, work, yeah, it is okay. But you've got my secrets for cracking Grandma's heart. Don't ever share them with anybody else in the world.
Hold it close to me, Hold it close.
Okay, my love. Let me know how you make out. Okay, alrighty bye bye. In life, we are in relationship with so many people, and when it is an important relationship, it is our duty and responsibility to remember who we are dealing with and meet people where they are. You can't always meet everybody in the same place. But when you value the relationship and when you value the person, when it is an important relationship and you find yourself and in the midst of a breakdown in that relationship, your first step is to get on the same side of the table with the other person and look out and see things from their perspective. Now, I'm not saying that you have to compromise your values, compromise your beliefs, I'm not saying you have to bow down a cowtow to make somebody else happy. I'm saying, get on the same side of the table and look out at the situation from their perspective, so that you can align with the person you value and so that you can be of value in the important relationships in your life. You can't talk to everybody the same way, you can't handle everybody the same way. And sometimes we're so busy and we're so caught up in the way we see it and the way we think about it is we think people are going to respond to what we're offering the way we think they should. No. No, get on the same side of the table. Consider the person's age, their relationships, their history, but most important, consider the value that they are in your life and deal with them from that perspective. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seventy five zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces favor. The r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.