Exes: Completing the Relationship of Unfinished Business

Published May 22, 2024, 10:00 AM

Exes. We all have them but we can't always let go of them. Two callers share their struggles with letting go and creating boundaries with their exes: one feels guilty about ending her relationship with a man who's going through a tough time in his life, while the other can't seem to shake her teenage love 10 years later. Iyanla provides both with insight on how to end these relationships for good.

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I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship, I spent time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the r Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Greetings and welcome to the our Spot. This is the place where we examine, explore, dissect, and investigate issues and problems related to relationships, all kinds of relationships. It is my intention that we all learn and develop the skills and tools required to make our relationships better. Because relationshipships are such an essential part of our lives, they are the places we go to grow in our experience of love. I am Young le van Za, your host, your facilitator, and your co pilot for a journey into relationships. So here's a little something for us to nibble on today. Because no matter who you are, chances are you have one an X your past, previous, former partner, lover, spouse from a relationship that is now defunct by God prior. That means you either have a husband or a wife ben and it doesn't matter what you call him or her or how you dress it up. Most of us have as least one, some of us have a whole team of them, a person who had potential. Maybe or perhaps you thought they were the one, You wanted them to be the one. You knew they weren't the one, but you stayed and tried to make it work. The ex who calls you sometime, and when they do, you wonder why why are you calling me? Or they never call and you wonder why why don't they ever call me? I mean, after all that we were together, don't they think about me? Or when they do call, you hate it or you love it, or you may use it as just another opportunity to stick it to them or have them stick it to you. An X whether the relationship ended well, if that's possible, or badly. If you have an ex, chances are you have some baggage, some hurt, some upset, some believe, some perceptions that you may still be dragging around because you see, if you didn't complete the relationship consciously and cleanly, your ex may still be occupying space in your heart and in your life, or worse, they may be wreaking havoc in your mind, your heart, and in your new relationship. It's not uncommon that many of us cannot move forward in our relationships because we have some unfinished business with our ex. So on today's our spot, we are going to be talking about our relationship with our exes. Is it a healthy relationship? Is it an awful relationship? But more importantly, is the relationship we had blocking us from experiencing joy, peace love? Now? You see, the person may still be alive, but the relationship is over. It's dead, departed, defunct. The issue is is it in its final resting place? And are you resting in peace with it? Maybe? Maybe not, who knows, we'll see. Here's my first guest, Greetings, we love it and welcome to the R Spot. We are talking today about your relationship with your ex. Do you have on and what does that relationship look like? How is it affecting you today?

Hey aun Tich, how are you?

I am well and how are you and your ex?

Me and my ex? First, let me start by saying, I am just in talking to you. I have been reading your books. You have been a lifelong staple with me, but I'm still a little rocky. My ship is still a little rocky in relationships, but I was in a relationship with a man who was sixteen years older than me. Everything started out really really well. We were dating, having a good time, laughing, talking, We could talk about anything. Personal issues started slipping in about six months in. I think he had a need to end up going to jail, and he was like, I don't want to be bothered with any portion of that. I raised them, and you know, the young lady didn't like him. She threatened him all kinds of stuff. And then he's dealing with a mother who's now ninety six. At the time, she was ninety five, and her wanted him to go back and forth of the court and all that kind of stuff. So whenever he was doing that, all of that kind of spilled over into our relationship. And I mentioned that to him in an attempt to try to, you know, figure this out, kind of balance it. But that didn't work. And then you know, his mother had a birthday and her health decline even more so now he's home from like October to February, and just dealing with him was just crazy. And I just didn't realize how much of his stuff that was just on me. It was every day I talked to him was woe was me was me? Then we would have little arguments in him saying, you know that I'm selfish, I'm not being sympathetic to him, and this and a that, and all the time I'm trying to support you, the encouragement to you, and pushing my own stuff to the side. So a part of me one day said to him, you know, maybe we should just be friends, and he's like, I don't want to just be your friend. You know, I'm sorry about what's going on. It's really meroke and I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I don't have any help with my mom. It's just me. So we went on a little bit after that, and then our last visit, you know, cause something had already been stirring in me in like June, to get your pieces together, and it seemed like everywhere I turned it was something that was speaking to me that I needed to do as far as just dealing with some things from my past as well as relationships. So our last visit, you know, he just said some things to me that just hit home for me, and it just kind of pushed me into going to sign up for some therapy and just really started looking at who I am. And I've been reading your book. One day my soul just opened up. And I do have a page in my book where one day you asked about who are you? Not what you do, but who are you? And my page is blank on that, and that's something I want to work on. So I didn't talk to him for two days and then I finally got up to her to say that I'm gonna move myself from this equation so you don't have to figure out how to fit me in. But I've been feeling so sad about it because I miss some I don't miss the you know, the camaraderie. I've been feeling guilty because you know when to me, when people are in the lowest part of their life, you know they need somebody there. Did I leave too soon? But at the same time, I'm feeling relieved because for the last ten days I have got the best rest I've had in a very long time. So I don't know, I'm just kind of conflicting in My emotions are just everywhere, all over the place.

Well, okay, so this is a brand new AX. It's a brand new.

AX, right, Yeah, I hadn't dated anybody in a long long time because I was a mess with dating.

Mm hm, how did this then? It ended on the telephone? Is that accurate? Or did it end in person?

It ended? I believe it ended the night before. I just didn't say anything. I waited a couple of days, and then I ended it on the phone because I had to take in what he had said to me, because there was some things that were already resonating with me.

What did he say? Tell me what he said?

So he always said that you know, it wasn't me, it was him, you know, dealing with his mom, him not having anybody, And he was like, you have no empathy for me. It's like if it's not your way, you know, you're pouting or you get quiet, you don't say anything, and you know it's not all about you all the time. You know, you always asking me about my mom and what's going on with me, but you never say anything about what's going on with you. But I never had a chance to talk about anything that was going on with me because every time I talked to him, it was about what was him, what's going on with him? I'm feeling this, I'm feeling that way, and I don't feel good. I'm this, I'm bad. So a lot of my stuff I just didn't even talk about. And one day I did just kind of blow up and I just told him about that, and he was like, I don't like that you're crying or I make you feel bad. But that's pretty much, you know a lot of what he said. And it resonated with me a little bit about, you know, am I being selfish? You know, by saying, you know, I want to see you, but I do understand that you're dealing with your mom. I would never say don't deal with your mom. So I did introduce the idea, maybe you know, I could come your way sometime. We could do things in the area close to your home, so if you need to go home and check on her, you can. Well.

Let me ask you a question. Is this relationship over? Is the relationship over?

I removed myself from the equation.

Here's the question. Here's the question. Here's the question. Because the relationship is the relationship over in your mind, in your heart? Is it over?

I don't believe so.

Okay, So then you don't have an X. What you have is a partner that you're dissatisfied with. Okay, So there's an opportunity that you will reboot this relationship. Is that accurate?

I don't know. I'm on the fence. I don't know. I really don't know, because by me saying moving myself from the equation, I never said.

Is this over?

Okay, what did you say to him? You're removing yourself from the equation? What does that mean?

Just taking myself out of the picture of you know, him having to deal with his mom and his other personal issues and his health issues. So let me remove myself. That gives you time to do what you need to do with your mom and whatever going on with you, And that gives me time to do what I need to do with me, and then you don't have to figure about how you make time to come and see me and have relationship at the same time. So I just said I'll remove myself.

So if you're not in the equation, why isn't the relationship over?

Well, I guess it is. We just never said it's over. He just said, Okay, I understand, And you know he's like, he understand.

What what does he understand? Because you you don't understand, So.

Understand my choice of removing myself from the whole situation.

The relationship is not over because you haven't. You haven't closed it out, you haven't completed it. You may be finished with the way it is now, but you're not complete with him. Do you understand what I'm saying? I think so, you see, there's a distinction between being finished and being complete, and meant very often we get finished, but we don't complete. You know, you finish your dinner, but if you put the plate in the sink and don't wash it, there's still evidence that you had dinner. And at any point you may go get that plate, wipe it off with a little paper towel, and put some more food on it. But when you are complete, you wash the dish, you put the food away, you clean off the stove, you turn out the lights, and you go on to do something else. What you've done is just put the plate in the sink, and at any given moment you can go back and pick it up. That makes sense, But the issue because you can't move on. You can't move on, and if you find out today or tomorrow that he's seeing somebody else, you will have a hissy fit and your hair be on fire because you're not complete. Yeah, yeah, So what you might want to do and instead of thinking of him as your ex is you might want to do a kind of autopsy just to see what's going on in the relationship, to see if this is the relationship you want, if this is the person you want to be with, and if it's not, then you can complete it. Otherwise, you and any moment you can go put some more mashed potatoes on the plate, right and be wondering why you got potatoes instead of rice.

Right. So by completing it, which means I would have to make another phone call and say that it's over, well.

You don't have to, but you have to complete it within yourself for yourself. I am complete with this relationship. I am moving on to look at myself. Here's the thing, beloved. Let's start here or let's go here.

Okay.

People come into your life for a reason, a reason, or a lifetime.

Yes, I believe that.

Once you figure out what this person's purpose was in your life, then you know how to complete Did he come into your life for a specific reason to show you something, to teach you, something, to give you something, to give you an experience of something. Did he come into your life for a season, meaning just a little while to bring you joy or laughter or excitement or good sex or no sex or whatever. He may have come in for a reason for a season. Maybe the things he said were things that you really do need to investigate. Maybe you need to go back and fill out that who are my page and get clear and once you understand who you are, are you the person to be with this particular individual. Yes, See, the mistake that you're making his psycho social history really is not your business. The fact that he got issues and mama sick or old or whatever, that's not the issue. The issue is how are you with him? Can you be with him? Is he the one that you want to be with? But you cannot answer that until you answer how are you with you?

Absolutely well, I had that same I had that same thought because you know, I could I say some things have been stern in me that I've been just been pulling on me for a long time that I need to address. And I kept saying, Okay, let me find some therapy so I can get somewhere and talk to somebody about it. And that night, that Friday night, when he was talking about that. Later on a couple days later, I thought about that. I said, you know, maybe you know he brought me that little joy in the first part, but this second half is for me to the extra push, just to go ahead and go and see about yourself. So that's when I started doing your book. One day, my soul just opened up. And I've been doing my journaling and all of that, and I did book a therapy point. I had one appointment, and you know, she gave me a list of some things to do that we're gonna dive into. And she added some things to the list as well.

We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the r spot. Let's pick up where we left off. So what does your therapy have to do with him? You could be in therapy and still be with him. You got to look at the quality of the relationship. Is that the relationship you want to be in? Or are you settling? Because that's the one that showed up when you think about him. Can you see yourself three, five, ten years down the road with him.

Not as things are right now? No? I can't.

Well that's all you have. You only have right now. You don't have next year, you don't have next week.

Right, I just mean in relationship to everything that's going on with him. I'm like, I don't know if I could do that for five more years or six more years.

Listen to me, it's not a question of whether you can do it. Do you choose to do it. It's your choice, beloved, No, okay, So then why don't you complete the relationship? I removed myself from the equation. What the heck does that mean? Take yourself out the arena, out the neighborhood, off the planet as it relates to him. Right.

I haven't talked to him since then. I just, you know, started my own little journey of you know, trying to work on self. And when I went to Therby, we touched on it briefly, and she saying, we're gonna do a lot that we need to unpack. So we're gonna work on that, and she talked about myself, me and myself a lot.

Yeah, you have to complete the relationship for yourself, within yourself. You don't have to call him and say another thing to him. And if he calls you, you know, you can ask him how he is, how his mother is, and if he brings up the two of you old together, you just have to say, you know, I'm clear that us being together is not working for me. It's not it's not what I choose. Absolutely, maybe he was a reasonal season, he came in for a season for a particular reason. He got you the therapy, right, yay, yeah, yes, absolutely, But again, complete the relationship within yourself. What you say to him does not matter, does not matter.

The complete it of myself.

Yeah, have a little funeral, bury it, let it be gone. I don't mean go to the cemetery. I just mean in your mind, it sounds like you're testing him. You want to see how he's going to show up and how he's gonna respond. That's what it sounds like.

I'm not gonna say that that's not true. But him I gonna.

Respond, well, I don't know him at all.

Yeah.

Absolutely, exactly what it is is exactly what you have, and you have to choose to complete it. Be done. Wash the dish, put it away, put the food away, close the refrigerator, clean off the stole, and go to bed.

Right. Okay, well started, Okay, so I just gotta brad it on out and finish right.

Okay, all right, So when I talk to you again, he's really gonna be an ex because right now he's a possibility.

I guess, okay, I guess you're right. Yes, thank you so much. I appreciate you. Love you all right.

My love, thank you, love your bye bye bye. Please know it is an important distinction to know if you're finished with things the way they are, or if you are complete with the relationship, because if you're finished, you're gonna keep sticking your forking the pot or the pan, stirring it up, trying to get what you want. That's that's finished. If you're complete, it's like I'm done, this is over. There's no possibility. I don't have any hidden agendas. I'm not testing, I'm not waiting, I'm not looking. I'm done. And if that has to be communicated, communicated clearly. You know, it doesn't matter how long you've been in a relationship or what else the other person is saying. And it sounds like my last guest, they weren't living together. That becomes a little more sticky when you and the person are cohabitating. But you've got to make it clean, you've got to make it clear, you've got to make it complete. Let me see what my next caller is up to Greetings, we love it, and welcome to the R Spot. We are talking today about your relationship with your ex. Do you have one? Do you have two? Several? Where are you with your ex right now?

I have one X. It's basically the same X I've had for almost the past ten years. I'm twenty four and we met I know, yeah, it's my only serious boyfriend relationship. We met when I was sixteen, he was seventeen, and we met in the most random way ever, which always made me feel like we were meant to be together. We met through like an anonymous like chat basically I'm not sure if you're familiar home eagal, but that's how we met. So we had on and off obviously because we were sixteen, long distance got into a relationship. We broke up my first year of college, but then my senior year of college we got back together. And this is when the relationship became more serious because now we're adults quote unquote right, and I decided to go live with him the following year. My mom was so mad, but eventually just accepted it and I went to go live with him and his family. And that was a whole experience in itself. But we recently just broke up in October, and I knew that this breakup would be final because my mom would never let me go back and accept the relationship again. And two, I just think that so much trauma has happened.

Throughout our whole relationship.

That I feel like we don't have a good enough foundation to actually be in a relationship. Yet we can't let each other go. He is my best friend. I'm his best friend. We are talking to this day right now. We stopped talking for a little bit, and then two months ago I reached out because I just like to know what's going on in his life. I have no idea where that extreme desire comes from, and I like having him know about my life. And he's very supportive even when we weren't together in the past, he was the first person I called whenever something bad happened to me. I don't know, He's just a great friend and I'm not sure if I have to let him go just because we're not together. But it's so hard to have hard boundary lines when it comes to friendship and flirting because obviously there's still love there. But yeah, I don't know how to let go of my eggs, and I'm scared that I have to do it, and I'm scared if I don't do it, then it'll be something that I'll regret when i'm older, Like why didn't you let go? You know?

Well, it sounds like the question that you're looking at is can you love him in a new way? You can stop being his partner's, spouse, lover, girlfriend, whatever you want to call it, and be his friend. That may take some time, but it's also going to take clear boundaries. You don't have to stop loving him, you don't and you don't have to throw him out of your life in your heart, but you do have to create a new normal. Okay, you do have to create a new normal. So when you say we can't let each other go, well that's a choice choice that you can make with new boundaries, new understandings. You have to the two of you. You have to agree. Okay, we can never be intimate again. That's just not going to happen. Now we can talk, we can share I love you, you love me, but that part of our relationship is complete. See, the only common denominator for you in this relationship is you. So you need to take time to understand what's driving your behavior, What needs do you have that you're telling yourself that he fulfills. What wants and desires do you have that he fulfills, And what is your want and desire for your relationship and can you have that with him? So by examining your past and really understanding where you are, why you broke up, why that relation relationship ended, then you have the tools that you need to build a new normal, to build a new kind of relationship, and you don't have to stop loving him, but you do have to be clear that he's no longer your lover.

That's hard. I've I've definitely realized.

That I didn't like that sound. So what is it that keeps dragging you back?

I guess I love knowing how he's doing, and I love the comforting feeling I get when I share about my day or what's going on in my life. I think we have a really great bond in chemistry. He's still caring. There's so many qualities about him that I would want in a partner. But I understand why we can't work right now and why we can't be in a relationship. So that's like the conflicting part where there are things that are missing and there are things that I see, But then there's also the great qualities that I've always wanted in a partner that he fulfilled. But I understand that I'm a very special person to him, so he treats me very special, and I understand that one day, that day it will be different, it will be different. And that's the part where I've had to cope with where I'm like, Okay, I can understand we're not in a relationship, and I can release it in that sense, But am I ready to not be his special person anymore? Like no longer get some of the privileges right, And I think that's I'm not sure if I'm ready for that part. And maybe that's why I have my boundary so loose right now.

And like I said, you are the common denominator. So is he your lover, partner, the love of your life? Or is he the candy store that you get to get special treats in? Is he your partner or is he a habit? Is he your first and only?

He is my I would like to say he's my partner, and I would say that he's my first boyfriend, but not my first, like, not my only intimate partner I've had.

I'm not sure that you've given enough space for the relationship to transfigure, not even transform. Transfigure means that you take what is and turn it into something else, and that's a process. So if you want to transfigure this relationship from being a love ship into being a friendship, you may have to put some time in space between it so that you can get accustomed to the new normal. And see, you said that you've been together since you were fourteen and he was seventeen or fifteen or some such thing. Sixteen, sevent Okay, So there's a fabric in the foundation that the two of you have woven together, and you may be standing on that foundation even though it's got holes and it cracks and it breaks in it because you haven't established another foundation for what it is you want in a relationship. And again, you don't have to stop loving him, you don't have to throw him out of your heart, but you've got to look at why you broke up and why you're not together as lovers partners in a relationship so that you can become friends. It sounds to me like he's the comfortable habit and not necessarily a good partner for you.

Well, the breakup was, I guess my fault, so like I had to cope with that in a sense. Our first breakup was also when I was eighteen. That one was definitely my fault.

This next one, what does that mean? Fault? What does that mean? My fault?

I broke his heart?

How do you do that?

When we were eighteen, I went to college and I ended up becoming interested in somebody else, and then I broke up with him because of it, and that was really heartbreaking to him. But yet we still kind of remained in contact, which I know was not great on my part. So even when he's going through his heartbreak, like I'm still talking to him and sometimes sharing too much information on what I'm doing because I'm trying to be honest and whatever. But then that next year, I decided I didn't like the college thing and it just went left. I wanted to get back together. I went out there. I flew out to his state, and he was secretly actually still talking to somebody, and even when I left the next day, hooked up with that person. So he hurt me the following year and then we've talked about all of this already and then we were able to move past it by like twenty twenty two and you know, get back together and talk and talk about the past. And this recently, this most recent breakup. In October, I went out with my friends. I got a little bit too it. I didn't have any ill intention towards this, but there was an older gentleman who brought brought us some drinks. I did let him know I had I had a boyfriend, and later on he left us alone. And later I saw him in the in the club and I just wanted to ask him, like, who are you because it seemed like he was either a club owner or just had a lot of influence in the clubs. I just wanted to know, like who he was, And you know, he ended up asked when I put his number on my phone. I think I was just a little bit too nonchalant about it. I let it happen, but I did have an inappropriate conversation with him, and I was going to leap the number set my phone died. The problem is that he was able to wring his number through and he texted me at three in the morning that night, and my ex got so mad, literally grabbed all my stuff, like wanted to kick me out of his house or his family's house, and it was really crazy. We kind of worked past it, but at the end of the day, it seemed like that was a very big factor for why we broke up, because he lost trust in me and he just didn't trust that I wouldn't have someone's number in my phone and I didn't tell him because I knew he would react like that. But so it's been my fault. But I know my therapist just told me that it's more than just the number. So I'm trying to see past just my action of the number. But it took a long time to let go about shame and hurt. I guess about hurting breaking his heart. So I didn't want this breakup, but love it.

I really, I really want to unlanguage you language that you're using. It's somewhat troublesome to me. Okay, my fault. You went out, had some drinks, made a poor choice or a bad decision, and he got upset about it. His upset is not your responsibility. We'll talk about that right after this break Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. That's not your responsibility his upset. All you can do is tell the truth about what happened, ask for forgiveness for the poor choice of the bad decision. But you can't somebody. How old are you? Let me start there? Well, how old are you? I'm going for Okay, Yes, that's some young and craziness that I don't know nothing about your fault. You're in college, you meet somebody, you want to see them at twenty two, twenty years old, you seem to be taking on his emotional insecure curity at twenty You have a right to explore and investigate unless you have a commitment, unless you and him have an agreement. Do you and him have an agreement? I'm not going to see anybody else. It's we're going to be in a monogamous relationship.

Yeah, we are monogamous.

Okay. So when you were seeing the other person in college, he knew about that.

It had been a boiling thing the more just like flirtatious friendship with this other person, and I noticed how I felt. I guess around, So I broke up or went on a break quote unquote right before a kiss actually happened with somebody else. And then later on, I had to just officially break it up. I did it weird.

I know y'all have never broken up. Stop that, just stop that language. You have not broken up. That has not happened. And nor do you have clear boundaries? Yeah, clear boundaries in the relationship, clear boundaries about the relationship and what you've got to start looking at because you've said it's already happened. You hanging on to him, holding on to him. What are you going to do when he starts seeing somebody else.

I'd like to think I'd be able to just toss it out.

And that is not going to happen. You know, you were very young when you met, so it really sounds like an attachment or, like I said, a habit. You don't have an X. You've got a why? Why am I still in this? Why am I still holding on? Why am I still doing this? You don't have an X, you got a why? And that's the question you have to answer, Why am I still in this? Do you still want to be in relationship with him? Or do you not know how to not be in relation with ship with him? And that's probably where the work is. You've got to learn how not to be in relationship with him as a partner lover, you know, and then you can build a friendship with him because you got to get some clear boundaries here. You don't have any boundaries.

Yeah?

Sure?

Do you believe that you could turn an attachment into a healthy relationship? Like if it is an attachment relationship, do you have to let go or does each individual just have to do personal work to make it a healthy relationship?

Well, well, let me ask you this. What are the three words you believe best described the current state of your relationship? What are the words that best describe it where you and he are right now? No?

Trust, comfort, and love.

I hate to tell you this, but if you ain't got no trust, it ain't love. It's attachment. You can't have love without trust because love keeps no record of wrong Love does not itemize wrongdoings. Love doesn't do that. Attachment does, habit does. And comfort I want to offer you comfort or bowl because you are comfortab boul with him, but not knowing what's going to happen, not being free, not being free, It's like you're enslaved. You're not free, and without freedom, there's always going to be an obligation or an attachment or an entanglement. You've got to be free, and it doesn't sound like you're free, And it doesn't sound like either one of you have left the relationship, and it sounds like you're just holding on to him in case you don't find nobody else, then you can go running back to him.

Oh don't, I mean I would obviously I would like to think. That's not what I'm doing.

Right, Well, I can't think it. I'm looking at the evidence. You can think it, and you take on the responsibility for his emotional upset. It's my fault. No, I made a poor choice, a bad decision, and it had a negative impact. And either he's going to forgive me for it, then we're going to move on or not. Now, I'm not going to stay somewhere with somebody who's going to beat me up for choices or decisions I made. And if there's no trust, what are we doing? You trust him enough to tell him all your business? He trusts you enough to listen?

Yeah?

Or you trust him he doesn't trust you.

Yeah, I trust him. He doesn't trust me.

So why do you want to be with a man who doesn't trust you? Why? What belief does that reinforce. Are you a middle child? Where are you in the birth order? I'm the oldest, oh, the oldest of how many?

Technically three? One is abroad, but technically three, I guess.

Okay, if you could have done anything differently in this relationship, what would it have been?

Hmm.

That's a difficult question because I am immediately just thinking about ways in which I fractured it, I guess.

But then that makes him your victim, and you don't want to be in a relationship with a victim who doesn't trust you, because they'll beat you up forever. They'll beat you up forever.

I don't understand it because he can't let go of it. But yet I'm still someone who's close to his type, or someone he clearly cares for and talks about relationship with like. I don't know, I mean, obviously, I guess. It's one of those things where I can love I can love you to not trust you, I guess. But it's kind of confusing because if you still see me as a great person and as a great partner, then I don't know why you couldn't let go of my mistake. Basically, but at the end of the day, it is what it is.

Why was it a mistake? Your grown ass woman? You took somebody's phone number, And if he doesn't trust you enough to know I wasn't inappropriate with this person, then then you're disrespecting me, You're dishonoring me. Now, I'm not gonna live with that. Why was it a mistake for you to do something in your life that, whether you were lit or not, in the moment, felt appropriate. See, he reminds you of somebody I don't know if it's mommy or daddy, where you can never do it right. No matter what you do, it ain't right. I don't know who that is. Who is that?

Probably my mom?

Okay, so you're marrying your mom?

Yeah, Mary, my mom.

You all are not complete. You're not complete. He's not an ex at all, and you're you're really you haven't gotten a lesson, you haven't seen the beauty in it. And you know if you're still holding in your mind. He treats me special, and that's okay, even if he doesn't trust me. He uh, you know, I'm comfortable with him even though he doesn't trust me, and he makes me wrong for what I do in my life. I'm Okay with that. This is not over. So there's still more for you to learn here, more for you to grow here, more for you to heal here, and whether or not you all will be together. He said, you can't let go. You haven't made that choice.

Wow.

And if you want to transfigure this, if you want to turn this into something else, the first thing that you need is space distance and time distance and time.

M I hear you.

That makes sense, you know, And you know men play like they're tough and hard and rough and ready, but their hearts and their souls are really fragile, and it's really their ego like who who and she had that's better than me. He's going to keep remembering that.

Mm hmm.

So unfortunately you're not complete. I don't know what you need to learn. Mm hm.

I need to learn it fast though.

Well you can learn it today. Yeah, by letting him know I love you. You have a special place in my heart. You always have a special place in my heart. And I'm not going to talk to you for the next three hundred and sixty five days until I can heal that place. You could do that today, yeah, And then the pain, the sadness that whatever comes up as a result of letting him go. That's where you look, that's where your healing is, that's where your work is. But you keep avoiding that by running back and forth to him, calling him, being comforted, getting your special treats and creature comforts. Yes, let me just say this. I think I've been here. Let me just think for a moment. YEP. I spent forty years in a relationship with a man. Forty how do you twenty four?

Ah?

Huh? Can you hear me?

Yes?

Forty years in a relationship, in and out of a relation relationship well, with a boyfriend. Then he got married. I got married, and we got back together and back in forty fricking years until a dawned on me. I love you, but we are not good together. We're just not good together. And I don't have to stop loving you, but I'm choosing not to be with you. That did it for me, and we are still friends to this very day. I happen to be one of those weird people that I'm friends with all my exes, those who are still living, and I talked to the ones that ain't living. But I love you, but we are not good for each other. We're not good together. I don't have to stop loving you, but I refuse to be in that kind of relationship with you. And it took me almost three years with no contact, no communication, no anything. Do you like chocolate? Do you like pie cake, cookies, candy? What do you like?

I have a big sweet too. I like it all ice cream?

Really? Okay? Do you eat it every single day?

No?

Why?

Because when I also gain weight fast. So when I eat my favorite sweeps too often, I notice the way games.

Yeah it's not good for you. Yeah, it's just that simple. It's not good for you. Don't mean you have to stop loving it, but it's not good for you. So you've got to get clear about how it's not good, why it's not good, and what could possibly happen to your butt if you continue to engage in eating it. And it's the same thing with him. What's going to happen into your heart if you continue to engage in this with him? But you know what, I'm talking to you, But I'm talking to the thirty year old you because the twenty four year year old you you can't hear this. I know you can't. You're gonna get off the phone. With me and call him and tell him what I said.

I hear you, I hear you. I really do want to. I really do want to. I really do want to listen and do better. I just like you said, it could happen today. I'm not sure if it happened today, maybe by the weekend and I can send that text message for sure.

Take it to your therapist, yes, that that why, or to support you and understanding what is the benefit of you continuing to stay and involved with him this way? Is it a habit? Is it an attachment? Is their fear? That's what you need to work through once you do that, and why are you languaging it? As it's my fault? Twenty years old? You can do what you want to do. That's your time to explore an experiment. Who you were at fourteen is not who you were at eighteen or twenty certainly not who you are as twenty four. So is it you at twenty four that loves him or is it the fourteen year old inside of you that's still attached to him because he was the first kiss, in the first this and he made you feel good and he made you feel special. But is that you today are you current with who you are now or are you allowing the fourteen year old self to still remain attached to him? But see those are therapy questions. That's not talking to a yamla on the radio. Question right, here's a question. Do you want to pay the full price now? Of cutting it? Getting clear? Moving on? Do you want to pay the full price now? Or do you want to pay little by little with great interest? You know, when you pay your credit card, when you only pay the minimum amount, half of that goes towards interest, where you could bite the bullet and pay the card off and be done with it. But if you pay little by little, you're paying interest. So three years from now, four years from now, you know, but you you still want, you'll still be in it. You'll still be paying interest. That's think about it that way. If you're not willing to pay the price now, you'll just keep talking to him and keep living your life and breaking your heart and he won't trust you, and then you're guilty, and then you'll spend you know, six nine months time to make him trust you again. And I mean it's just it's a vicious cycle. Yeah, pay it now in full and shut it down or just keep paying in little increments see what happens. That's the choice.

No, I hear you, I take it. I will take that advice, miss Las.

Thank you, bless your little twenty four year old heart. That is so sweet to be twenty four years old. Oh my god, bye bye bye bye darling. Oh how sweet it is to be young to be twenty four. But I want you just to point out some things here that because she's twenty four, but I'm sure they are forty and fifty year olds doing the same thing instead of cutting it or paying the full card off and putting in it down, cutting it up, paying little by little by little, just to see what's gonna happen. You know, you get a little, you get, you pay one hundred dollars, you go out and you spend seventy five and then you're paying eighty in interest. Okay, don't assume this thing is dead. If you continue to feed it, either it's dead or it's not. And again, you know, one of the things that I learned in my forty year relationship. We met I was fourteen, he was seventeen, and he was very supportive to me. I always say he was the first man to ever hold my hand. My father, my brother, my uncle, no man in my life had ever held my hand. And I was in a difficulty at fourteen, and he held my hand and walked me through it. I had never had that experience, and so I made up that he was somebody he wasn't. And then, of course, you know, you become lovers or friends. He went off and married somebody else. Eventually I had a child and married somebody else, and then he was in difficulty. He came back to me, so I got to hold his hand and walk him through it. And then we broke up. And then I was in a difficulty and he came. I mean, it's a cycle. You got to look at it. But until I made that awareness, I love you. You hold a place in my heart. But we are not good together. And I'm no longer to make these tiny little payments of nine months, two years, three years, you know, to see if my interests rate is gonna go down. No longer willing to do that. I'm gonna pay this off, cut the card up, and move on, move on. My point is what brought you together may not be enough to keep you together. But you've got to be current in who you are now, to have that understanding, that awareness, to have that recognition. Are you loving this person? Are you with this person because of who you are now? Or are you with them because of what they provided for you, the need they fulfilled when you met them. I hope that you know something now that you didn't know. When you're tuned in, and until we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces. I'll see you next time. Bye. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite show.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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