Drawing Your Line In The Sand

Published Jan 4, 2023, 11:00 AM

This week, two callers are unsure if they should put up with behavior they’ve been unhappy with from their partners. The first guest feels like her partner has lied to her about being divorced, and that’s a huge no-no for her. Then, another caller believes her partner’s kids and ex-wife are the problem in her relationship, but Iyanla thinks the issue is with her judgement of the situation. Iyanla guides both callers to learning how to express their boundaries with their partners.
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Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins

Producer & Editor: Vince Dajani

Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight

I am a younger your host for this journey. I was a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is and what it is not. I want to share some of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. My question for you today is how do you know when it's time to go? Sometimes you know it's time to go, but there's a part of you that wants to work it out. Sometimes you know it's time to go, but you don't have any place to go to. Sometimes you know it's time to go, but you just can't make that choice, so you default to let me work it out. Sometimes that works, Sometimes it doesn't. If you think it's time to go because of what you experienced before and you're trying to avoid it again, it's not time to go. If you think it's time to go but you still see a glimmer of hope, something that you can work out, work through, and if the other party is willing, then it's not time to go yet. If you think it's time to go and the other person isn't willing to do the work. Start packing. We've got a little bit of summer. All of that today, take a listen. Greetings, be love and how are you? Welcome to the art spot. I am one sol How are you today? I am blessed and ready to discuss with you your relationship, challenge, issue, dilemma, whatever it is that you're facing. So give me the low down. Okay, So back in White, when Kovic started, my church had an online small group. The gentleman that I'm seeing was on a small group and he said that his mother and his stepfather had just passed away four days apart, and I offered him my candolences. He emailed me after and we started communicating. So in a conversation I asked him as he married? He said no, and I wasn't married. We just went to all of the normal stuff. He told me that his white had moved out in two dollars seventeen. We talked about the divorce, and we talked about the relationships and everything. So just on side day we were talking about another couple um that was getting the divorce and he I don't know if he was a slip or what. But he told me that he just got a divorce a year ago. And I'm saying, you told me when I met you in twenty twenties that you were divorced. So he said, well, you know, in my mind, I was divorced because it was two thousand seventeen and just it was just signing the papers with just a formality. So I don't know if it was a bad judgment call or if it was just just because he said he was going through so much and he hadn't been one of his wife and sentence just two thousands seventeen. But I don't know if that it was just the sea or was it just a bad judgment call. What does your gut tell you? My gut teld tells me that he didn't want to say that he was getting a divorce because I wouldn't have agreed to that our relationship, you wouldn't have He was separated from his wife in were they living together? People get separated but they still continue in the same household together. So was he living with his wife? How do you know that? He told me she moved out in two thousands seventeen, and it said it on a divorce. It says the separation as of that day. So he showed me the paperwork and that he could confirm what he said. Okay, so how are you defining marriage? What I'm hearing you say is that you met this gentleman in your church group. He stated that he was divorced. Now you find out that he wasn't divorced at that time, but now he is divorced. So in your mind he was still married when he started dating you. Is that accurate? Ye? It is accurate. Yeah? Okay, So how are you defining married? That's a great question because for me, you're not able to marry me because you're still tied legally to this woman. That's, to me, is a marriage. Okay. You're focused on the paperwork, yes, not on his behavior, not on his commitment, not on his desire. Okay, So what does your gut tell you? Did your gut say that in his mind he was done and therefore claimed or called his divorce as it was although it wasn't. Are you there? Are are you saying this man lied to me? As saying he lied? Okay? So there you go. Let me ask you this is Are his parents really dead? Yeah? Yeah, Okay, they're really did. Okay, So I've been to the cemetery. Now, I don't question I know that he is honest whatever he says he does. I could call him up right now and say I'm coming over, and he'd be like, Okay, come on. It's never any secrets or as far as he's showing up for me, he's always shown up from me. So I'm not questioning that he has some secret life with this woman or whatever. My concern is you keeping the important thing from me like that to me was huge. So you've been to the cemetery to visit his deceased parents. Yeah, open, clear access to his domicile. I know you're a church lady, but I'm gonna ask you any way. Okay, are you any intimate? Yes? Okay, So is your concern that he lied or is your concern that he committed adultery? Church lady? Both? Yes? And so you did too? Okay, Yes, here's another question. How long before meeting him? How long were you single? Seven years? Seven years and your previous relationship ended? Why a lie? Lying man? Okay, a lying man. So are you concerned about this man's lie or are you concerned that you're getting ready to repeat what you went through before. Well, our first companion is that I didn't get the opportunity, didn't say yes or no. And I'm also I do have a concern about him. Him may not being honest going forward. Okay, so leave him, tell him you're done. He lied and you're done. I'm done, I'm out. Go ahead. Do that? Is that something you're willing to do? Yeah, I don't want to. Well, but you're willing to end this relationship with a man who's proving himself to be supportive, a man you obviously get along with, a man you're intimate with, a man that you care a lot about, and you're looking at something he said to you two years ago and holding him and by all means you should hold him accountable for it. But that could be a conversation that doesn't have to be a big deal. And it just feels to me I could be very wrong that your previous experience is bleeding into this experience that you're looking for and expecting. And what I would offer is, this is a conversation. It really has trouble to me that you told me you were divorced when you were it and I get it, so you think he should see it the way you see it. I said, I even in my own life, I said I was divorced before the papers were signed, because I was done. I was out, he was gone. I was gone, I was seeing somebody else. So in my mind, I was divorced. I didn't even say divorced. I said my bridge is over. So I'm just asking you to consider that. When he said that, it could have been from his frame of mind and not in intent to deceive. Now, if he was not moving forward in his relationship with you, if he was sneaking around the bushes going back over there, that I would say, you have some concerns. I would let him know how much that troubled you. I would let him know that you've been through that in your previous marriage. And I would let him know, I'm drawing my line in the sand. Is there anything else you need to tell me? Because if I find out later I'm out. Good. Yes, draw your line in the sand, but do it from a place of clear, open communication, sharing with him how it made you feel, why it is so troubling to you, and then let him know this is a boundary that you creating. And if he crosses that boundary again. If there's other things you find out that he didn't tell you accurately, or forgot to tell you, or chose not to tell you, that you out. I'm out. That's a boundary. Okay, that makes sense. And I'm glad because I didn't think about it fully as far as what the marriage need to me. And clearly it's not just a piece of paper. And he said to me, he did say that in his heart he was already divorced. Yeah, tell him the importance of truth speaking for you. Truth speaking is very important. And you were in about adultery, church lady, what about fornication? But you wanted to be clean fornication, right, you don't want to be fordication with a married man. Oh, take your fornication and be happy. Thank you so much. Help me clear clean communication, draw your boundary, communicate that boundary, communicate the consequence of the boundary, and do not allow your past to infect your future. Mm hmm. That's a good one. Okay, Okay, alright, my life you so much. I appreciate your time. It was an honor. Yeah, and and have fun. Send me a wedding invitation, all right? Thank you? Have a great rest of your death. You to my love, Bye bye. I remember the song there's a thin line between love and hate, But I also whish someone had made a song that there's a thin line between the truth and a lie. The challenges that what is true for me, based on my experience, based on my state of mind, based on my perception, may not be true for you. And very often we think that the way we hold the truth tell the truth as we know it. It's the same for everybody, and it's not if we don't ask the right question. If we're not willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt and hear their experience as the truth for them, that then line between the truth and a lie can be blurred. And when that happens, the result is confusion. And we'll talk about back when we come back. Welcome back to the ourt spot. One of the hardest things to navigate when you're in relationship with someone is how to be in relationship with the people they're in relationship with. Not a manage atoire where everybody is willing to co operate, you know, but if your partner comes with a history, your partner is still in relationship with people who will end up in your relationship not. A real hard work in that situation is to understand what is my role, what is my level of participation in the relationships that my partners in relationship with. It can be hard to figure out, but it can be done. And the big thing is your first priority is your relationship to yourself, and then your relationship with your partner and everybody else you get to choose how to be in relationship with that. My next guest is a classic example of how to be a relationship with someone. Your partner is in relationship with. Good afternoon, beloved, and what is the challenge, issue, dilemma that you're bringing to the table today. We're going to chew on whatever is presented. I am with a partner. We've been together almost two years. I'm thirty, he's forty three. I don't want kids to never have never changed my mind. He has three and actually one he's never met, so a total of four children from previous relationship. And I just find myself struggling with having to deal with not necessarily the kids, but the fact that there's always going to be another woman present, the mother. They share something that I will never share with him. So I just I find myself getting stuck, getting jealous, always thinking about it. He has the texture. It bothers me. So I'm just trying to figure out why I can't just let go of that. Well, maybe because you're asking the wrong question. If you don't want children, how is it that you've attracted a man who will bring children into your life? I'm not sure. I mean, this is someone that I fully want to be with. I I love the way I'm treated, I love the partnership we have. But yeah, good question. The children are not. I think what bothers me the most. I think it's like the connection to another woman who's always going to be involved. I don't know if that makes sense. No, it makes perfectly good sense. The question is how are you defining connection? What I feel is that she, the mother of the three girls, still has maybe control, and I feel like there's this level of controlling my partner, perhaps that I don't appreciate. I feel like I'm in a relationship with not only him, but her behavior also. But are you in relationship with her? No? Why not? Why aren't you in relationship with the mother of children that will be in your home with their father? Because that's a piece of his heart. His children are a peace of his heart, and so if you're an intimate relationship with him, you want to be able to share all of his heart. Although you've never been a parent, there are some things that parents feel and experience and go through, and this is your partner. You want to be able to be the soft place for him to fall when his heart is affected in any way. So my question is why haven't you made the moves to develop a relationship with her. It's difficult because she doesn't even really give him access to his children very often, so forming a relationship with her is pretty much unaccessible at this point. She only texts, she doesn't call, So why is it an issue if she barely has communication, what is this connection that you seem to be so disturbed about when there is communication or access is totally controlled by her. I guess what affects me is my partner not standing up for himself maybe and letting that control happen. He can into a little puppy and becomes really sad, and really it upsets me to see my partner being treated in that way. But I'm also upset at him because he kind of lets it happen. I was just going to say, are you open to the possibility that this has nothing to do with the mother or the children, It has to do with a side that you see in your partner that you're not accepting A yes, ma'am. Yeah, okay, so that's the issue. You're trying to blame the poor children and their mama. No, yeah, yeah, And it may be an opportunity for you to have a different level of conversation with him. Have you shared with him that it hurts me when I see you bow down to this level of abuse and manipulation. Have you ever shared that with him? Yes, very very much so, which is kind of why I'm stuck, because I feel like that message is not being heard. And how do you share it? What do you say? Because it's a difference between saying why do you let her talk to you like that? Why do you put her through that? And saying to him, come here, sweetie, I gotta tell you how it pains me to see you submit yourself to this level, to a level of abuse and manipulation. See, I'm a woman, I know how women operate, and maybe because your children are involved, you don't recognize that she is abusing you and manipulating you, and it hurts me. And I want us to come up with a plan, a process, an approach so that I don't have to watch this anymore. Have you tried that approach? I? I have, and there's been a bit of both. There has been the like you said at the beginning, how can you put up with this? I've tried both approaches, But is response is keeping the peace to continue to have access. So basically, I'm gonna let her abuse with me to keep the peace. I feel like that's the response I get. Mm hmmm. We'll talk more about it when we come back. Welcome back to the art spot. So I don't know, as his intimate partner, how you can support him, encourage him, invite him to just get to the point where to save his dignity as a man, Because if he has a relationship with the children, he does, and when they are no longer under the authority of their mother, they'll look for him. They will if he has a relationship with that. But when he does, when they come, he wants to meet them as a man of dignity and honor, not as a broken puppy. So your work, COMMND Arlen, that's your work. That's your work to be there with him, to encourage him not to get angry, not to get upset, not to put your mouth on it or in it, but just to constantly share with him, honestly and authentically what it feels like, it looks like for you, because if he barely has contact with them now, you know what, what does he stand to lose? Exactly? And I've made that comment also, we barely have access now, and yeah, there's not much to lose. So why are you so afraid to stand up for yourself? Wrong question? Why are you so afraid? Delete that from your consciousness? Never ask a man why is he afraid? Okay, that's a bad question. Don't ask him that he's going to lose his mind. Another possibility is I love you and it hurts me to watch you surrender to your dignity and self respect to someone who's abusing you. How can I support you in doing this different? And then if that doesn't work, create the boundary. You know what I've asked you, I've offered to support you. I'm willing to support you, and you seem to enjoy this. It's too hard for me, so here's my request. I don't want to hear about it. If you want to continue to do this with her, that's fine, that's your choice. I don't want to hear about it. I tried to do that, but I feel like that makes me like dismissed his kids in his life. And is that like I don't want to hear about them. You're making that up. No, they're not saying you don't want to hear about two children. What you're saying is I don't want to hear about you surrendering your dignity and self respect to someone that is clearly abusing you. I don't want to hear about that. Now, if you want a different approach to this, if you want me to talk to her, maybe she'll let me have a relationship with the children. What you are doing is establishing a boundary, a boundary. If you don't have a relationship with the woman, I don't know what your relationship is like with the children. Then the only relationship that you can participate in is your relationship with him. And how he's addressing this is impacting your relationship with him, and you have a right to speak about that. You're not dismissing him. And when you say I feel like I am, now that's not a feeling, that's a thought. A feeling is only one word. So I feel bad when I don't let him talk to me about it. But I'm willing to feel bad rather than participate in this. Okay. Yeah, you know he has to invite you into it in another way. Yeah, and I'm waiting for that. What I want to encourage you is to rewire this in your brain because this isn't about him having children. This is about an incomplete dysfunctional relationship with the mother of his children. That's what this is about. This isn't about the children. Have you ever seen the children? Have they been to your house? You know who they are? Do they know you? Yes? But a handful of time very rare. Okay Again, possibility is that he become willing. He hasn't said clear boundaries with the children's mother. So maybe you help him by demonstrating what a clear boundary looks like. And that boundary is if you're not willing to do this differently, if you're not willing to allow us to come up with a way you can approach the and if you are still willing to allow your self respect and your dignity to be dishonored. I'm not willing to participate in that. That's the boundary, and what he does is is his business. But you don't have to discuss it. You don't have to talk about it when it happen and he goes into depression. Okay, let me know how long you're gonna be depressed about that because you keep doing it the same way and now it's interfering with our relationship. You got twenty four hours. I'll see it in back. Yeah. Yeah, I know. It sounds like a hard line to draw in the sand, but it's a line that protects you since he's not willing to do it differently. Otherwise it's gonna happen. Is you just be complaining about this forever and giving this woman power in your relationship that you don't even know who she is exactly. I know that's what is going on, and I wanted to stop. Their relationship is obviously incomplete. I don't know how he left or how they broke up or what happened, but it's incomplete. But that's none of your business, nor is it any of my business. So I'm gonna shut my mom yeah, and we are from a small town, so I this is a woman that I actually is from a town close to where I grew up, so I know her parents. I don't know her, but there's a lot of knowledge to her when you're from a small place. So even if you don't I don't have a relationship with her, I know a lot about her and her family and her upbringing. So there's a a bit of a more knowledge than maybe the average person would have about an ex spouse. It's called gossip. Get out of the gossip that a none of your business. Get on the same side of the table with your partner and invite him to be on the same side with you. And if he doesn't want to get on the same side with you, and if he wants to continue to do this, you can choose not to participate. So I want to encourage you to just think about what you've heard me say, what we share today, think about this conversation, and remember you're dealing with his heart. So whatever you do, however you do it, tread gently, in as hard, but vote for you, take care of you. Mm hmm, Okay, yeah, I'm hearing all your objections, but that's Okay, work with it, work with it all right, give me a call in about six weeks and let me know if things have shifted. Okay, Thank you, my love, Thank you for joining me our spot today. Thank you very much. Bye bye bye. Everyone else who may be in this situation, here's my prescription for you. You must simply honor yourself and your needs. You can have compassion for the other person or the other people involved, but the question becomes, how do I honor myself, my choice, and my commitment. My daughter who passed away had one child who basically grew up in my house because my daughter lived with me until her daughter was six, and she passed away when her daughter was nine. And her daughter's father was a wonderful child of God, cleverly disguised as an abusive manipulator. And for years I allowed myself to be manipulated by him, controlled by him, because I was afraid that he would deny me access to my daughter, until the day that I made another decision and I said, I am willing, I am willing to never see my granddaughter again until the day she can come to me unencumbered by her father. And I had to work with that. I had to pray about it. I had to sit with it until I got to that point and I told her, I said, here's what I want you to know. I will never change my phone number ever. Ever. If you want me call me, I will be there. But until then I won't see you because I don't deserve to be treated poorly and your father treats me poorly. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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