Double Dipping

Published Nov 9, 2022, 11:00 AM

Iyanla classifies a relationship as lasting for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. In this week’s episode, callers share stories of returning to a relationship for a second (or third, or fourth) time – something Iyanla calls “Double Dipping.” One caller continuously returns to a man who disappears from her life for long periods of time, while another caller believes second chances never work in romantic relationships as it’s only left her with a broken heart. Iyanla guides both callers to understanding the “reason for the season” in these recurring relationships. 

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Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins

Producer & Editor: Vince Dajani

Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight

I am a Yamla. We look at all kinds of relationships, love ships, family ships, sibling ships, and sometime the ship sales and at other times it sinks. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. Today we're taking a closer look at what I call double dipping. A double dipping where you go into a relationship, you leave the relationship, and then for some strange reason, you go back. Now, there's nothing wrong with double dipping. If it doesn't work the first time and healing and changes, awareness is unfold and you go back and you do it again, well that's a good thing. But if nothing changes, and it's just your attachment or attraction to the person that makes you want to dip your toe in that river again, well you might have a problem. We're gonna talk about that today, you know, because if you keep doing the same thing, you're gonna keep getting the same results. But very often we double dip because it's familiar. We'll go in and out of a relationship, will double dip because it's comfortable. I know you're ugly, you know my ugly. I know your needs, you know my needs. I know how you fight, You know how I fight, so I don't really have to stretch and grow. But here's the piece, and this is the piece I want to focus on today. As I've said many many times, people come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Now, if you're double dipping in a seasonal relationship, meaning that person just came into your life for a specific season, maybe to lift you up, maybe to hold you up, maybe to move you forward, whatever the season. When that season is over, I don't care what you do. That relationship is not gonna work. This season is over. The universal purpose has been fulfilled. Then there are reasonal relationships that means the person came into your life for a reason, or you came into their life for a reason. There's something you have to learn, there's something you have to heal, there's something you have to grow within yourself. And if you don't get that learning, that healing, if you don't do that growing, the relationship may fall apart and then come back together so that you can learn healing, grow. That is very often the cause for double dipping. Maybe now you're ready, or the other person's ready. Maybe now you are willing or the other person is willing, or maybe it's just your time. There are many the reasons people double dip, and we're gonna talk about that today right here on the art spot. So my first caller is a double dipper, uh, repetitive double dipper. Let's see what's going on here. Welcome to the art spot. How may I serve support, assist you today? What is the challenge? Issue? Problem? Maybe victory that's you're facing? Good morning. I have been in a relationship for three years, on and off. We connected because I am I'm an artist, I sing, I write. He's an artist as well, and that's what keeps me drawn to him. Um, that that deep connection and love for music. However, when when as good as good, but he tends to disappear, and Tom goes by and I try to heal from his absence, and then he reappears, and this has been a cycle. It's hard to let go. But I'm really hurt by the cycle. Tell me what you mean by he disappears? What does that mean he will ghost me? Um, stop communicating with me and won't respond to my outreaching. Wow. Yeah, now I'm old, So forgive me when you say ghost because the ghost that I know, float around with sheets on their heads. What does that mean? He ghosts you literally disappears as if, um, he was never there, and silence he gets silence, I guess stone walls me and piece of communication. How long does that usually last? That disconnection? How long does it last? It can be weeks, months, most recently it was actually a year and a half. So tell me what that looks like. He comes over Tuesday, he's there, and then he goes and you just don't hear anything. Yes, for um, in the beginning, we were living together, Uh, he was in my space. So I would literally come home and everything will be gone. And what do you do? You come home and your partner and all of his belongings are gone. Walk me through that process? What do you do? I'm shocked? Um, initially I was really really shocked. But when it became a pattern, I'm I'm like, oh, he's running again. I go through the motions of you know, crying and journaling and writing my songs and trying to release and hell, and then I tell myself, I see him, Um, this is his pattern, this is what he does, and I'm not gonna let him in again. And he'll he'll come and bring flowers and roses and I'm sorry, and because there's love there, I forgive, and the psycho continues love, where is the love? Who's loving who? That was a song, right, And I wonder who's loving who? When he leaves, who's loving who? I'm loving him still, Um, I'm holding on to the love that I have for him, hoping that it will heal okay. And then when he comes back with flowers and roses, who's loving who? I see it as his way of showing his love in his way, And I'm still here loving him completely and holy in my way. So you're a cheap date. You can be bought for some flowers and some roses. That is exactly how I end up seeing it, And it just it really does make me feel small. It does, it does it should? Now what is the conversation about the experience? So once he brings the flowers and the roses and you'll make mad, passionate make up love, then what is the conversation that you have about where he was and where he's been. That's not a conversation that we have. Um. I know, I know I deserve it, and I desire it, and I I look at it as if he doesn't have the words, he's not emotionally mature enough to articulate why he has done what he's done. But the fact that he's here says that now he's going to try and do it the right way this time. Are you sitting down? Yes, ma'am? I am. Are you Do you have a tissue or roller toilet paper near you? I probably need several rolls of toilet paper, yeah, because you got some to clean up. Absolutely, I know it. Let me ask you this, my beloved, what is your intention for calling me today? You know I I literally told one of my friends. I know from the inside out what I what, it looks like, what I need, what I deserve. But I need to hear an elder speak into me and wake me up. I know what I would say to a friend, but I need to hear it from someone else. So clutch your pearls. But more than clutch your pearls, I want you to take your left hand and put it right on your belly, right over your navel, because I want to speak into your power center. I want these words to take root in the center of your being so that they will grow and blossom. M I want to share with you what I've heard you say. I want you to take it in. I want you to hear it in your belly. If we're lucky, your vomit m and if we're not, then we know that those seeds are simply germinating and they'll grow later on. You sound young to me. You sound beautiful. You sound sweet and almost naive. You sound like a fatherless daughter. To me, I could be very wrong. You also sound dumb as hell, but I know that's not the truth about you. So I want to speak to that sweet, beautiful, talented, gifted, powerful young woman perhaps who was healing a wound of being daddy less. I heard you say that you have been and in a three year on an off relationship with another artist who you allowed to worship in your temple, meaning live in your space and be intimate with your body temple, who, without reason or explanation, makes the choice at various intervals and time to disconnect from you without explanation or justification, causing you a great deal of emotional pain, conflict, and turmoil that you process within yourself, with yourself and maybe with a sister friend or two, trying to understand why you have allowed yourself to be dishonored, disrespected again, Why you don't matter enough to you to have clear boundaries and to stop allowing yourself to be abused, violated, betrayed, and abandoned. That's what makes me think it's a daddy pattern. I could be wrong. And once you get yourself either on equal footing or the part of you that knows he's wrong for you, the part of you that knows he's gonna hurt you, the part of you that thinks you have to prove yourself worthy of love, the part of you that thinks you're unimportant, the part of you that believes that you cannot have what you want, that part of you that still wants him, lets him back in. Yeah, And why you don't have enough respect for yourself to have a conversation with this individual, Set clear boundaries with this individual, create concert quences for the violation of those boundaries, and then execute the consequences when necessary. That you dishonored, disrespect, abandoned, neglect, and abuse yourself enough to allow this to occur over and over and over. So please don't talk to me about him. This is not about him. You are it tag, You're it it is you. So take a breath and go back in there and share with me what you heard me say about you. We'll be right back. Welcome back to the our spot. We are going to continue our conversation about double dipping. What is it that lets you dishonored, disrespect, abuse, violate, betray and abandon yourself? Repeatedly? Mhm? What is it? Well? You mentioned that it sounds as if there are daddy issues. Um, maybe slightly, not so much. It's more self esteem, I believe, and for some reason feeling as if I should extend more grace and love and forgiveness to others, even though I know that I need to and I am worthy of honor and respect. Where did you learn that? Where did you learn that you have to expect stand more grace and forgiveness and whatever whatever to others than to yourself? Where did you learn that? I believe that's my Christian roots and the way that that religious mindset and the the indoctrination of forgiveness has has been rooted in me. It's one thing to extend forgiveness off for forgiveness. It's another thing to experience it. Because when you experience forgiveness, you don't stick stick your foot back in the same bowl again, you do it differently. And so the sharp edges of religious and doctrination sometimes cut us two pieces. Yes, And when I say sharp edges, I mean the things that were given to do, the things that were told with no real explanation or understanding. So I'm to understand that your father was in the house, and I understanding that correctly. He wasn't there. He wasn't um. But there is a relationship there. There's always been a relationship, but it's just been long distance. Yeah, long distance. Just like your boyfriend. He goes and comes, you see him sometimes. Hello, Ah, so learned behavior. M What else did you hear me say about you that there are some now you to say, I completely agree. I've said that about myself as well. Did you hear me say how you have betrayed yourself? Did you hear me say how you are actively dishonoring and disrespecting yourself. Did you hear me say how you are actively abusing yourself? Yeah? So this lovely being has come into your life to show you what it is you are willing to do to yourself has nothing to do with him. Nothing you are it. It is you, ye showing you what you do to yourself beloved. And it's a pattern, it's a pathology. This is double dipping, going back and forth, back and forth, recreating the relationship with your father, and you call it love. That's not love. That's happened. Mm hmm. Now when he leaves, you're loving him. You're loving him for leaving you. You're loving him for betraying your trust. You're loving him for violating your confidence. No, I I just love him because I I do, and I feel I should. I love grits. I don't eat him every day. I love grits, the more butter, the better, But I don't eat him every day. Yeah, I want you to hear this. Clearly, you have re created your pattern with your father, and your work is about healing that pattern, about healing that pattern so that you can create a relationship with a man who will duro, which means stay put, stay put. This doesn't mean your father is a bad person, doesn't mean he did anything wrong. I don't know what the circumstances are. I don't need to know the story. What I need to know, what what I need you to understand and recognize is that you developed a pattern of being in loving relationship. You see, you couldn't stop loving your daddy because he didn't leave you. He probably left your mother in the process. You developed a long distance relationship with him, and that's what you're doing with this man. You're developing the same kind of relationship because that's your pathology, that's what you know and understand. But you can have a man that stays put. And you don't have to stop loving this man. You don't have to stop loving him. You just get to choose how you're going to be in relationship with him. He can come back with a bushel of fly hours and six goats and a and a jaguar. He can't get in your bed no more. And you have to make that decision because when daddy was gone for two weeks, three weeks, a month, or whatever it was, when he came back, he was still your daddy. That boy ain't your daddy. He don't get that privilege to come and go like he want. And then you loving the man who's emotionally immature and don't have words. Florence Nightingale, what you're trying to do heal him, fix him, because a little girl wants to feel in hell her daddy, so he'll be around more double dipping, double dipping because you haven't gotten a lesson someone to ask you. Are you willing to love yourself enough to say no to something that hurts you? I desire to, I want to and I need to. Well, you have to, you have to choose it. Yeah, So let me ask you this one last question. What are you going to do differently when he does attempt to contact me. I'm not going to respond, and I will I will reach out to my father. That's what I'll do. Okay, Let's let me coach you on that for a minute, because you just set up some against us. I'm not going to respond. Yes, you are going to respond. You're going to respond differently and in a way that supports you. When he reaches out again, you're going to choose to let it go and you're going to reach out to your father to support the little girl in you and taking the next most appropriate steps towards her healing. This ain't about Freddie. It's you, Boom. You are it. It is you, So don't say you're not going to respond. You are going to respond. You're gonna make a powerful choice to love, honor, and support yourself and your healing. Does that make sense? It does? That's that's better. Okay, Okay, alright, my love, good luck to you. Give me a calling about six months if you've heard from him and let me know how you're doing. Okay, I shall thank you. Amen, Amen, and a woman. Okay, my darling. Okay, thank you so much. Bye, Thank you for calling, and continue to listen to the art spot. My caller's case is where a lifetime relationship created a pattern of belief and expectation in the consciousness that she continued to live out in her adult relationships. The call also spoke to a reasonabal relationship Freddie was in her life for a reason, which was to point out to her to bring to her awareness the pattern that she had developed, the expectation she held about love and being loved. And so very often we don't slow down long enough to get in touch with our feelings, to really examine what we're doing. And like she said, she's been taught that it's more important to give grace and forgiveness and understanding to other people than it is to give that to yourself. But I have a different philosophy. It is you. You are it. It's all about you in your life and whether you're double dipping or you know, bed hopping or moaning and complaining about not having nowhere to hop or nowhere to dip, it's all about you, beautiful, beautiful call if you can see or identify yourself in that, do the work. Are you ready? Are you willing? Are you choose yourself over the pattern? Double dipping? It always has some interesting twist to it. And I've got another caller who probably has another twist when we come back. Welcome back to the our spot, and we're welcoming my second caller for today, a conversation that I think many of you will really gain a lot from. Let's listen, Thank you, and welcome to the our Spot where we talk about all things relationships. So what is the challenge, issue, problem, dilemma that we're gonna talk about today, Well, thank you and listening to you y'all, Thank you for having me on. Well, I mean just double dipping, you know, going back into a relationship I did. That was my last relationship and the only thing I got out of part of it was a broken heart. And um, you know I now I'm of the opinion that when it comes to romantic relationships, second chances don't work. Like if you broke up, if you broke up the first time, it was for a reason. And you know it's um because I mean there were there were signs and stuff. But but my thing is, my question now is how do I maintain a healthy, open heart space. And you know, my heart is not to be played with basically, but um, but I still want to love and I'm still you know it. This is my first, um, you know relationship. I was thirty six, and you know, and I did a lot of work on myself and then that that person came in. But then you know, and you worked well until it didn't work. I love the statement it worked well until it didn't. Yeah, what was well about it? What was well about the relationship that you double dipped in? What was well? You know from the start, we just flowed. I I thought they were my twin flame because because it was just we we never argued. It was an easy relationship. It was just great talk. It was my best friend. What were the agreements that you all made to each other? I mean, did you agree to be monogamous? But since everything flowed, there was never really, you know, any need almost for something you know, for for but of course there's always need for boundaries like you know. But yeah, absolutely, you sound a little like it was lucy goosey as long as you said it worked, it worked well until it didn't. But it worked well because it wasn't working with anything, right, What were the expectation, what were the agreements, what were the commitments? You see, when it's lucy goosey, chances are the gander is laying eggs somewhere else, and when I'm hearing here is a lot of lucy goosiness. It was a strong bond, and that's what do you say. It couldn't have been a strong bond if you didn't have many agreements, commitments, boundaries or expectations. Stop telling yourself that, go to the mirror and slap the first person that shows up. Stop it. You are telling the story that makes this thing palpable. Yeah, tell me what happened? How did it end? Tell me what happened? Well? Is it July of the year the pandemic, and we hadn't seen each other, and then all of a sudden over the phone, it was like this, I don't think I want to be in this relationship, you know, and we haven't seen each other, and I told him, I was like, okay, well let's not make hars decisions. Let's let's wait six months, you know. And UM they were kind of like, you know, adamant and so so we we broke up in July, and then in November I get this like four page letter, you know, apologize me, prefers profusely and saying like they love me, they want to you know, and they kind of please give them a second chance. And I said, you know, okay, I'll give you a second chance. And then by May we went on our first trip to um the Florida Keys, and UM I had a big blackout. We were, you know, drinking, and that's one thing that you know, just to speak clear. One thing that wonderful that happened from the breakup was that I realized, um, I had a problem with drinking and I have been, yes, but I've been fourteen months sober. Um as we broke up, he gave me that gift, a parting gift of sobriety. And they ended up walking out and leaving me, you know, in the middle of our vacation. Wow, you are on a vacation and in the vacation he walked out, and what did you do? They leave and I'm like, I can't trust to be with someone who won't be there in the morning, you know, won't be there taking What about you? What about if the trust that was broken was between you and you that you can't trust yourself to make the right decisions. He made the decision to take him back, right, What if you can't trust yourself to make the right decision, that's what will close your heart? Yeah, yeah, I think that. Yes, for me, relationships, whatever kind of relationship, friendship, loveship, family ship, relationships are the play pass that we go two grow to learn to heal. So you said you own your part. So let me ask you this, What did you learn about yourself in that relationship? What did you learn about yourself? Yeah? Well, I learned that I could love someone, that I could be intimate with someone, because you know, before that it was just one night then. So that's I think a big, big thing. It's like, I know that I'm capable of love and being loved because it was you know good, well it lasted and um, it was good when you were under the influence yeah, and that's one thing with with sobriety, and you know, being in a top step program, it's like I have a much better relationship with myself and with a higher power. Are you open to this possibility? In my relationship with Boo Boo, what I learned about myself is that I had a drinking problem. Are you open to that? What I learned in my relationship with Boo Boo is that I can love when I'm under the influence, that I can be intimate when I'm under the influence. Did you learn that? Because that's definitely a prerequisites for a bunch of one night stands, good, excellent? You learned that that has nothing to do with him. That's you. And when you double dipped, when you went back into it, you were looking to be loved, you were looking to be intimate under the influence. But then came the big growing spurt. What did you? How did you grow in that relationship with Boo Boo? It's real simple. I stopped drinking. I grew in my sobriety, and that a good thing. It's a beautiful thing. Okay, I grew in my sobriety. So the way I grew in my relationship with Boo Boo was I grew in my sobriety by not drinking to stop numbing myself. Because what that says to me is that somewhere in your history or childhood, your early days, that loving hurt. Maybe you love people who left you or abused you, or violated you or betrayed you. Loving hurt. So in order for me to love and be intimate, I've got to be under the influence of something, because obviously I'm not making the right choices and decisions. Right. Does that Does that fit? Yes? So I'm not numbing myself anymore. Yes, you you heal that need to to numb yourself in order to be loved, because now you have sober friends who love you just because they people. They're wonderful people. I don't have to be numb to receive of Yeah. So you learn something, you heal something, and your grew in a way simply by double dipping in this relationship with Boo Boo. It wasn't meant to be forever. It was meant for your learning, your growing, and your healing, which means that there was a reason for the relationship because he was supporting you and numbing yourself. He was supporting you and not creating clear boundaries. He was supporting you and being in relationships that had no agreements and no commitments and no spoken expectations. M M. He was supporting you and making poor decisions that would reinforce the fact that you can't trust yourself. He was supporting you, and him leaving woke you the hell up. No, I would never have gotten sober without that double right, look at that. Bless him, thank him, and let his ask go. Just remember this, who you are today does not want him the sober you on step number nine. He ain't the one. Yeah. I know that you did make the right decision because someplace in your soul you were ready to heal, and he was the tool that God used to push you into sobriety. Hallelujah. Yeah. Well, if you ever see him again, tell him I said, thank you. Listen, give me give me a call in about three months, let me know how you're doing. Okay. You should be on step twelve by then, give me a call. I want to know how you're doing okay. All right, Thank you so much. I am thank you, and please continue listening to the our spot. I will listen to you okay, bye bye. A reason, a season or a life time that was a reasonal relationship. There were some things that she needed to see, some things she needed to learn, some things she needed to grow through. But the interesting part for me is how we in the midst of our growing and our healing. I think that we've got it figured out. And I always say that self diagnosis is misdiagnosis. Self diagnosis is misdiagnosis because if we knew what to do, we would have done it. We have to be willing to walk through these hills and valleys to get to the depth of our soul and the healing that is required. And one of the powerful, powerful purposes of a relationship is to drop us on our head, face first in the valley of healing. We hate it, we hate it, but life in the universe, God Source Creator is so wonderful that it takes us right into the very place that we need to be. Now, we don't know why we're going in there, but we do. You know, double dipping can work. There are people who have separated and come apart. I have a very dear friend who had a lover in high school or or a boyfriend in high school. They both separated with their separate way and married, had children. Thirty five years later came back together. That was twenty five years ago. They are still together. My Mama Si and Baba Sherman. They are still together. So double dipping can work, but it also serves a deeper purpose. Here's the key. If you're double dipping and you keep getting the same response, you have missed the point. But if you're double dipping and that second dip or that third dip or that fourth dip creates a massive change in your life, in your consciousness, in your speaking, you're seeing your living. Then you've learned something, You've grown something, you've healed something, which is what makes double dipping purposeful. May not be fun, but it's purposeful. I hope you've heard something today that you can use in your life. I want to thank my guests for their courage and sharing their story. I can hardly wait to hear the good that's gonna come out of the challenges they faced. And if you've got a challenge, issue, dilemma, problems, situation with your lover, your sister, your brother, I want to hear from you right here on the art spots so be sure to listen for our call outs. In the meantime, Stay in peace, not pieces, and I'll see you next week. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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