With the intention of bringing a family back together, one woman is trying to bridge the estranged relationship between her boyfriend and his daughter. The problem is: her boyfriend never asked for help. Then, Iyanla’s second caller is frustrated when her husband shuts down after trying to over-communicate her issues with him. Iyanla’s guidance on both issues is straightforward: Communication in a way that works for you and your partner is the only solution.
Do you want to be on the podcast? Follow Iyanla on social media for the latest call-in information!
instagram & twitter: @IyanlaVanzant
facebook: @DrIyanlaVanzant
Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins
Producer & Editor: Vince Dajani
Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight
I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spend time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. Now. I know some people like to listen to podcasts because of the advice that they received, But what I do, I do not call it advice. I support, I assist, I guide, I facilitate, and I want my callers to identify the real issue and sometimes the solution that they already know but probably don't like. I'm not just here to tell people what to do or how to fix themselves in their relationships. Absolutely not. I'm here to remind you. I'm here to interrupt your pattern. I am here to support you and identifying the best practices to improve the relationships in your life. See, I'm not that person who gives out unsolicited advice, particularly when I think that I've been married and divorced three times. However, I'm sure we all know somebody who will pop themselves into your business just to tell you what they think and what you should do. I know a couple of people like that, and you know what I tell them. I tell them stay in your car, in your lane on your road, stay in your own lane. Now, that can be tricky for people to manage in our lives, particularly those people we care about, because very often we just want to help or do what we think will help that person. It can be especially difficult if you're trying to anticipate your partners wants and needs without ever actually talking to them about it. What they want or need is their business and they need to invite you into it. Both of my callers today are dealing with very different versions of trying to assume what their partner wants and needs from them, and it's causing a breakdown in communications. So let's get into those conversations. Greetings, beloved, thank you for calling me our spot. How can I support you today with your relationship challenge, issue, breakdown, breakthrough? What are we dealing with today? Well, what we're dealing with I I've been in a relationship for three years. My boyfriend has two daughters. One he has a very close relationship and is involved in her day to day life. The other lives with her mother or is actually at college, but is with her mother. Both girls have a strain relationship. One daughter doesn't speak to the mother, the other daughter doesn't speak to the father, and I'm kind of stuck in the middle, and so I wanted some advice and coaching on how to bridge and bring this family together. Why is that your business? That's a good question, Um, Do you have a good answer? I do? I do. I'm building a foundation with this man, and I recently lost my mother, and I feel like in order to go forward in this relationship and have a solid foundation, I'd like to see some harmony. And I don't like seeing his daughter or him crushed by not having the relationships they want with the other members of the family. And what has he asked of you as it relates to his relationships with his daughter, With his daughter that he's involved with, just to be a support system for her, And have you done that? I have done that. His daughter is expressed to me that she feels guilty if she has a relationship with her mother, and I've expressed that we both encourage that. And he hasn't specifically asked anything of me in regards to his other daughter. If he has asked you to be a support system to the daughter he is in relationship with. Then do that. You're an elder in her life, you're a midwife. You'd be a good demonstration. And when I say midwife, meaning you're pulling her through to womanhood. And the best way for you to do that is to demonstrate who you are as a woman, how you are as a woman. Be an ear for her, be a soft place for her to fall, ask her questions about herself and her life. Develop a relationship with her woman to woman, not mother to daughter, because that's what he's asked of you, all right, And her relationship with her mother, it's none of your business unless she asks you for support, it's none of your business. It really isn't. Now she asks you things about her mother, you can offer suggestions. You can offer not even advice, but more inquiry. How would you like to have your relationship with your mother? What have you done to make that happ those kinds of things. But in terms of the relationship with the daughter that is not in relationship with him, if he has n asked you for nothing, m why be mind your business? Okay, that's great advice. Is it not your business? How do I navigate. This is my fear, um, talking to you, just uncovered that my fear is that we enter into a partnership of marriage as a strange daughter comes back into our life. That's a fear of mine. Why is that a fear? Let me repeat to you what you said, that we start, we take this commitment deeper because you've already been in it three years, so what you're all waiting for? But anyway, that's my business. Let me mind my business. Okay. So you go into a deeper, more intimate or committed relationship and the estranged daughter comes back, and your fear is what my fear is just because I know that he's had a lot of divorce skilt that it causes conflict in our relationship. And I know I don't have a crystal ball, but that's a serifying Well. The truth is, beloved, she never left, even if she ain't speaking to a father, because you are on the phone talking to me about somebody that ain't even present. So she's never left. But your job, should she want to re engage or rebuild a relationship with her father, your job is to support him MH in building a relationship with her. Okay, Okay, let me just say this, write this that I am. I got my open and paper here. Okay, stay in your own car, on your own lane, in your own life. Stay in your car. I got it. He's in the car with you. But who's driving you and him? That's you all got to figure that out. What's in your lane? Your lane is your relationship with him, not your relationship with her. He has to introduce you to her, and then you get woman to woman, build another relationship with her, and then in your life. It's what do I need to do to support him in my life so that my road remains clear. You are anticipating something first of all, that may never happen, and even if it does happen, your role is to support him and how he deals with her. I got it, Okay. I don't need to say nothing else. No, you don't, except mind your business. I'm gonna stay in my car, in my lane. I got it, on your road and give me a call and let me know how it works out. Thank you for love it. Thank you so much. Okay, love bye bye. Sometimes when you're in a relationship with someone, everything that goes on in their life don't have to go on in your life. Sometimes there's situations, experiences, circumstances that they have that you don't have to be involved in unless they invite you. We'll be right back, Welcome back to the R spot. I know it may sound harsh and it may not be nice to tell someone to mind their business, but when it comes to a successful partnership, one built on trust and mutual respect, you have to You have to trust that your partner will ask you for help when they need it, and if there's anything you can do or anything they need, then you must trust the response that they give you, because if not, you're just sticking yourself into a situation and you might be overstepping a boundary or even making things worse than they are. Now. That's just a part of effective communication. Honoring boundaries. On the other opposite side of the coin for communication is making sure you're doing whatever you're doing in a way that works for both of you, not just what works for them, not just what works for you. Now, my next caller wants to improve their relationship, but they feel that by over communicating their problems it'll help. Does that make sense? That makes no sense. But as you know, you've got to meet your partner halfway so that both sides can work together get on the same page. So here we go. Good afternoon, beloved, Thank you for calling the our spot. How can I support you today? What is your issue, questions, challenge, dilemma. I was calling about communication and how to fight fair. I've been married going on eight years and sometimes we can get in heated arguments, me and my husband, and I'm just trying to find a better way to communicate what's bothering me and work together with him on It's some issues that we have, Okay, is there a particular thing you fight about or just all fights are not fair? A lot of the fights aren't fair. But some of the things we argue about is he can be extremely stubborn with change, and to me, I think we all have to change to a certain degree, especially when we're in a relationship or marriage, because we're learning each other and we've got to grow together. So for me, there's just certain things that I talked to him about and it's kind of you negatively rather than from a positive point of view. Every time I give him a feedback, he takes it negatively. Well, do you offer him feedback or do you pouring on him. Do you ever ask him, are you open to some feedback? Yeah? I do ask how do how do you say it? How do you say it to him? Normally I'll say, hey, can we talk about some things that are on my mind? Or can we go over some things that are bothering me? Well, that is not offering feedback. In the minute. You say to a man, can we talk? That's it, he's bound, he's shut down. That those are three words are poisonous to a man's consciousness. Can we talk? You might as well just say, you know, just run naked that the street. Most men expect when a woman says to them, can we talk? That you're getting ready to beat him up? And this guard is going up. Is that what happens? Does his god go up and he becomes resistant? Yeah? I mean his guard is always up. I mean he's a guy. So yeah, right. It's not like they're really open in the communication department anyway. Well, some of them are. Some of them are. If they've been taught, understand that. Most of them just simply don't have the skills, the tools, and the training. It's not that they don't want to, they don't have the practice in the process. Men are just expected to know things they are we expect them to know. Okay, so can we talk no more? Can I share with you some things that are bothering me? You know what? He hears when you say that, let me tell you what you just did wrong? Because their brain is not wired like ours is. He hears, Oh god, she's getting rid of the nag me or tell me what I did wrong? And then he'll shut down on it. So another possibility is, well, first of all, where do you do this talking at um? It's usually at home. Yeah, in the kitchen and the living. He usually sets rules, like he says, come to me on this day when it's the sun is shining or you know, he isn't a talker. He normally doesn't like any type of conflict, so he considers me coming to him, I think, in a way conflict instead of just trying to hate work through some problems. Well, if you're holding it as he don't like conflict, he doesn't want to talk about problems. Yeah. See, the thing that women don't realize is that men have antenna. They have little antenna. We can't see him, but those little antenna are sticking right out right above their eyebrows, right, And even though we don't see him and we don't know they're they're they're always those antenna, always beaming and feeling us out. And they can tell by the way we walk towards them, the way we start the sentence, the way we persisent the information, those antenna will drop right down into their man parts. You know what the man parts are. Mr. The man and his two friends drop right down in there. And if they don't feel right to them, they're going behind the wall. They're going behind the wall. Women don't understand that men have antenna, okay, And because we don't realize or understand that they have antenna, we move into their space kind of forcefully for them. We may not think, I'm just trying to talk to you. I'm just trying to get you to hear me. I'm just trying, you know, you know what do I need to do. After this break, we're going to dive into effective communication. Welcome back to the our spot. We are going to continue our conversation about communication. Here's another possibility. Get you a nice night cow not pajamas, Okay, a nice night can take you a nice bath, shower, whatever, and put on some nice smelly stuff, snuggle right up next to him. And if he said, what's what are you doing? What's the matter with you? Nothing? I just wanted you to smell me. Come on on me, take a sniff. You don't want to sniff? Okay, back off? Next day? Put it on again. Mm hmmm, snuggle up again. You're doing that again. Yeah, I just want you to smell me. Smell you for what? Because I smell nice? Don't you want to smell me? All right, come on, I'll smell you. And when he starts sniffing, say before you do that, can I ask you a question? I need you to tell me how to talk to you in a way that you can hear it. I need you to tell me that. Just ask the question while he's sniffing, because sometimes I don't know how to speak to you and I want you to be able to hear me. Tell me what do I need to do? Do I need to write a letter first? Do I need? What can we do? And it doesn't have to be that literal, but my point is go in soft, going soft, and then first of all, tell me if that makes sense to you? Is that feel like something you can do? If not, we'll go another rap. Yeah. I've tried it a couple of times, so I get what you're saying, and it makes a lot of sense. Does it make a difference, Yeah, try to be gentle. Does he respond to the sniffing? Um, I've never tried the way that you're suggesting, but I have tried. You know, Hey, how can I come to you in order to make our communication better? Don't even don't mention that word. Don't mention communication. Don't mention that because if he don't know how to do it, and you know, I'm just speaking specifically to what you're sharing, but it's it's kind of common. If you would just say to somebody, what do I need to do so that we could tango? The first thing coming in their mind is, hell, I don't know how to tango? Right, So when you call it communication, if he doesn't know how to do it, or if it's frightening, or if he's scared, or you know, if he thinks it's all gonna be about a problem, he's not going to respond well to that word. And that's why I said, tell me how I need to say it so you can hear it, because I want you to hear me. Okay, So you're asking him to do something to please you, maybe he gonna find a way to do it. Makes sense, Yeah, soft, and the sniff tests work. Two things about men you're going to keep in mind. Number one is their visual men of visual, and if the visual catches their attention, you gotta The other thing is that all the factory nerve, the scent opens up their brain and they'll remember. Why do you think women spend so much money on perfume? Right? Because men they follow vision and they're follow their scent. That's why they say a way to a man's heart is to a stomach, because if you cook something good, it's gonna have a scent, all right, And that's a little trick that women don't know about. Man let him sniff, why he's sniff and say, wait a minute, wait a minute, let me ask you a question. Sometimes it feels like you don't hear me. Tell me how I need to speak to you so you can hear me. Should I ask you questions? You know? Do you want me to write you a list? What is it that you want me to do? Okay, and you're smelling good, feeling soft, That's why I love you to desk. You're an amazing woman. And the help that you give people and you're giving me I appreciate. Yeah. Well, you know how I got to be so smart making a lot of mistakes. That's how I learned to scent test. You know, when I show in the bedroom and my raggedy pajamas with a scarf on my head, smelling like you know, zest. That didn't work, so I had to go get me some blue angel, you know. And again, you won't be able to do this for everything. There's some things that you're gonna have to communicate about on the spot. But for those long standing things, and you can always ask him, but you've got to ask for his input as opposed to always imposing your way, because as women, we think our way is the way. In fact, you said it earlier, you said he's stubborn and you think he needs to change. Put that away, Okay, figure out how to work with it. There's a way in If it's not sent and if it's not vision, it's it'll it'll be something else. And for those things that you gotta deal with on the spot, simply say to him, Okay, listen, I have something I need to say to you, tell me how to say it so you can hear it, and he'll say, just say it, just say it. No, No, I need you to be able to hear it. Can we sit down. I don't want to argue, I don't want to fight. I just need you to hear me and then be open to whatever his response is, because it sounds to me like you're a maximizer and he's a minimizer. Is that accurate? Probably? What's a maximizer and a minimizer meaning you see something and to you, it's a big picture thing. You you want to see it and you see all the details, and you see how it needs to be fixed, and you see what needs to happen and what the outcome needs to be. And he'll see something and say, let me leave that alone right now, or we'll get to it later or whatever. Yeah. I would agree with that. Yes, And that's good. That's really good because you see the details that he doesn't. What you want to learn how to do is how to communicate those details in a non threatening way. I will do that in the fight fair part, because that's really what you called about, is learning how to fight fair. Right, that's a whole another list of stuff. In fact, I think I'll do a whole show on that, So keep listening and you'll get some tipsy Thank you so much, Thank you for calling. Love you, love you back alright, beloved, Bye bye, bye bye. How can anyone expect to have a healthy, loving, fulfilling relationship if both partners, all people involved are not on the same page or are not expressing what they need from one another. What a topic. And there's probably much more that we can dive into in other episodes because effective communication is cute, and I suspect many of us have no idea what it is, But for now, I just wanted to express the importance of focusing on being open and honest with your need so that you and your partner can get on the same page and the same side of the table. And the other major thing to avoid in communicating with your partner is assuming that you know what they need or want from you. So rather than make a total fool of yourself and assume anything, talk about it. Talk with your partner in a way that works for them, and ask them what they want. Otherwise, you know what happens when you assume. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.