Grab a pencil because Ms. Iyanla is taking us to relationship school! Certified relationship coach Kittie Rose joins the show to explore the essential building blocks of strong and lasting relationships.
Kittie shares her expertise by identifying harmful relationship behaviors and offering practical, actionable advice based on previous episode topics to help listeners improve their relationships.
You can follow Coach Kittie at @kittiejrose
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I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher for salm, and a soft place to fall for others. And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself enough to be able to share my love with other people. Welcome to the R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome to the R Spot. I am your host, your facilitator, your support team. I am here today in service to us all creating, developing, sustaining, growing, expanding better relationships. All kinds of relationships, loving relationships, family ships, love ships, intimate shifts, any kind of ship that we can be on or be in to make our lives and our connection with each other better. You know, I always say that relationships are the classrooms of life. It's where we go to learn more about ourselves. And unfortunately, we always make it about the other person, what they're doing, what they're not doing, how they're doing it, and what they're doing to us. And the only relationship you ever have is the one you have in with yourself. That's pretty horrible, but when you think about it and what we endeavor to do with each relationship or what we want to endeavor to do is to grow more, to heal, more, to be more, to give more, so that our relationship with ourselves, and of course our relationship with our source, God, creator, whatever you call it, becomes more intimate, more productive, more joy filled and peace filled. So how are you doing out there in your relationships? And what are you seeing in your relationships that's teaching you about yourself? And when you see it do you put your head under the pillar and scream? Do you run screaming from the room? You know? I always say that if you ever want to find out how spiritual you are, get into a relationship, because when you buy yourself you spiritual all as hell, okay, But then when you get into a relationship, all your stuff gets triggered and you get to see who you are. So today I have a guess that's going to help us understand that dynamic of seeing who we are, learning who we are, but most of all, learning how to handle it. How do you handle it when you see yourself on your partner or your children, Oh my god, on the kids. The kids will sure to tell you who you are with your parents, with your family, and how do you handle breakdowns and relationships? How do you handle them with yourself? For yourself and then with the other person. So my guest today I call it Kitty Rose. Miss Kitty Rose is with us today. She is a relationship coach and also is it a clinical psychologist? Do you do clinical psychology therapists? Therapists? Clinical therapist? I love that because give me some therapy please. I need it. I need it, particularly when it comes to relationships, because that's the most dynamic and difficult area of our lives. So if you've ever hung out with Ace metaphor, you've probably heard Kitty Seeing Kitty. She has her own platform and her own clients, and we are honored to have her here today on the R spot. How you doing, miss Kitty?
I'm doing wonderful. How are you?
I'm excited. I'm excited to have another conversation with somebody else about relationships.
Of course, yeah, yeahship no, because everything is a relationship, food, money, the earth, you know.
Right now, I think we're having a relationship with energy in the world, with the energy that's coming at us as we shift and change the leadership. It's just so exciting for me. Now you combine psychological principles and practical experience, because you know it's good you have all these psychological constructs. But when your husband, your wife, your kids, your mama getting on your nerve, that stuff that doesn't seem well from your experience and with the people you work with. What is the biggest And I know there are several, but what is the let me say the biggest and the most common challenge people have in relationships.
As a general statement, I'm going to say conflict. Yeah, okay, the breaking down more. I'm going to say what I say a lot with couples is people don't practice a lot of theory of mind. So a lot of people don't understand that the person opposite of you will have different beliefs, different intentions, different upbringings, different backgrounds and things like that. And so when you're facing conflict, a lot of times you want you to be the other person. So you want to see you in your partner, in your spouse, and it doesn't work like that. And a lot of people haven't practiced. We hear a lot of people say they're empathetic, but you haven't practiced perspective taking, being able to see things outside of yourself. Being able to understand that people have different perspectives of you, and when they do, it doesn't mean that you're wrong. And so when we have conflict, when we see couples who have conflict, ego shows up. Ego is always going to protect us. Pride shows up, and so our ego tells us we have to protect ourselves against the very person who is probably here to give us safety and security and to love us and to understand us. But in that space, that moment where you're supposed to be vulnerable, a lot of people fight that and instead they try to be right. They don't use effect of problem solving skills. It's more so I want to be right what's right versus what's wrong, what's moral versus what's in moral, and that's what the problem is.
So yah, that's a lightweb of putting it.
But where we don't learn relationship skills, we learn a square eco B plus B square eco C square. I don't nobody nowhere, and I've got degrees up the wazoo, and nobody I've never heard anywhere how to deal with conflict and a relationship. Where do you learn that? That?
And you know what that is a problem.
But The thing is is that because it can't be an excuse anymore, because we have so many free resources online now right there's resources on TikTok, on Instagram, on YouTube. But the problem is is that in our formative years we have been conditioned and train how to be for everyone else, how to exist for everyone else, how to do for everyone else. We don't form a solid relationship with ourselves. And because we have learned certain behaviors from our parents, from our caregivers, from our earliest attachments, some of those behaviors we carry on and we think that they're normal. We normalize these unhealthy behaviors. We think that that's the way the world is, and we don't see outside of what we learned inside of our homes or any social constructs that we have. But like you said earlier, everything is a relationship. Everything that you have taken on, every behavior, every response that you have learned, every way of dealing with your anxiety, anything is relationship that you have with yourself, with those things, with those characteristics, with those qualities. And if you haven't learned from yourself, from seeing the relationships that you've had with other people, from listening to the complaints from listening to people talk about the things that they didn't like. If you didn't listen alone the way, you never equipped it yourself. And it's not hard to do. So you just have to be willing to receive that criticism from other people and take things from a curious mind, and be willing to understand things outside of yourself.
Okay, this is loaded, miss kiddy.
I'm always in their person I know.
So let us break this down into bite sized pieces. Okay, solid relationship with self, Yes, that's where it all starts. Of course, solid relationship with self. How do you know if you don't have a solid relationship with yourself? You alone in your head without adult supervision, you're telling yourself that everything about you is marvelous and wonderful. You meet this person you love and they start pointing out things to you. You use the word criticism. I want to talk about the distinction between criticism, observation, and experience. So let's go back to solid relationship with self. How do you know if you do not have a solid, good, healthy, functional relationship with yourself? How do you know?
Oh, now this is going to be layered.
Wait a minute, let me get a piece of paper. So I can write it down so that I can pick out the nuggets, because we got to get the nuggets. Okay, good, yeah, go ahead, I got my paper.
I think the first indicator is you not being able to be alone, to be in that place of solitude with yourself. Sometimes when people find themselves in a place of solitude, they start having a negative self talk. They start speaking bad things about themselves. The negative thoughts start to become louder than the positives. That's one indicator that you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself. Another thing is being impulsive and being irrational. I think that when a person is mood dependent and they behave based on their mood, they behave based on their emotions. If they're impulsive with their reactions and things like that, that shows that you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself because you're not practicing control. You're also not practicing operating in your wise mind, being able to function, realizing that you have emotional processes, but also realizing that you have to be logical as well. I think another indicator that a person may not have a healthy relationship with themselves is the problem solving skills. I think That's another one being able to look for solutions. As I said previously, look for solutions that are effective when you have a need to be right when you're dealing with other people. That really shows an internal conflict that you have with yourself.
Once again back to perspective.
I also think that when a person cannot accept or receive the positives positive things about themselves, people giving them compliments, anything like that, when they discount and disqualify those positives, it says a lot about the relationship that you have with yourself because you probably have a lot of negative or self limiting beliefs that you're operating in as well. I think those are like the biggest indicators. And then of course personal criticism and self doubt the indicators as well. Constantly criticizing and beating yourself down or devaluing yourself, minimizing yourself. Those show that you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself.
Oh well, alrighty, then a healthy relationship with self, Yes, that's start. That starts that layser foundation for how you're going to be in relationship with other Now, this is interesting. I'll tell you my theory. But if somebody doesn't have a relationship, healthy relationship with their self. Who in the blazon of Jesus are they going to a trap? We're going to talk about that when we come back. Right after this break, Welcome back to the R Spot. My guest today is Kitty Rose, a relationship coach, clinical therapist, and we and we are looking at the intricacies that cause breakdowns and relationships, how to develop a good relationship. And before the break, I asked Ms Kitty, how do you know if you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself, If you can't be alone, if you constantly engaged in negative self talk, if you have impulsive, irrational, reactionary responses. This term Miss Kitty introduced the wise mind. We're going to talk about that in a minute. If you don't have good problem solving skills, if you always have a need to be right, if you cannot accept the positives about yourself, and if you're involved in deep levels of self doubt and self criticism, chances are you don't have a relationship, a good relationship with yourself. But you went to the bar and you met Booboo, and now Booboo has a key and you all are living together. Tell me, Miss kitty, who you will attract if you don't have a good relationship with yourself. That's I want to know that.
Hmm I okay.
I believe in ego mates, and I believe that we attract our ego mates.
Wait a minute, Wait a minute, what's the ego mate? Hold on, you're going to drop some more stuff on here. Why is mine ego mate? Okay, what's the ego mate?
So your ego mate is pretty much the opposite of your soulmate. It's not going to be or it's not going to be a harmonious dynamic. Your ego is going to go for what it knows. And if you have an unhealthy relationship with yourself, that's probably rooted in an unhealthy past, that you have a negative past, and so your ego is going to attach to the person who has similar trauma, who has negative experiences, who operates from those negative experiences that they have endured in their formative years, and that's who you're probably going to attract. That's also who you're going to entertain as well, someone who's probably just as broken as you. And I really don't like to use a term broken, because we can say toxic as well. Okay, and healthy behaviors and stuff like that.
And so that person and is going to demonstrate to you everything that you do to yourself, and they're going to do it to their self, and nine times out of ten they're going to do it to you, and then that's going to make them the problem. Why don't we see that? Why don't we understand that and know that that your partner is your.
Mirror, because you know, a lot of people they don't come into it with that understanding because they live in fantasy worlds. A lot of people haven't practiced radical acceptance. They have in practice actually living and accepting reality for what it is. Reality also means seeing things outside of you, owning up to who somebody is, understanding that people are different from you, and people when we meet other people, we see great characteristics or we end up putting on characteristics to other people, placing characteristics onto other people that we desire, and that just clouds our judgment because a lot of people are ruled by their emotions. When you connect with somebody, you've been lonely for so long and just now you feel that company, you feel that possible companionship, you disregard everything else. You disregard everything else, and you create a fantastical idea what that's want to be, what your life is going to be, and you get stuck in that fantasy bond.
You know my experiences, and you can tell me how you've experienced this. When the broke, the wounds, when the toxicity in me connects with the toxicity in you. It takes me about ninety days to see it, depending upon how much time we spend together, it takes me about ninety days. That first ninety days we's kissing, hugging, licking, sucking, picking, doing, eating off each other's plate, your farts, don't think none of that. And then ninety days later I'm like, remember that song? How did you get here?
Yeah?
Yes, And then you start to see it and like wait a minute, hold up, why what is this? And the response is then to make it about the other person, right right, That to me is when the learned behaviors start emerging. How you deal with conflict, how you keep yourself safe, how you've created boundaries?
Right?
Do you find that in working with people that that happens?
Yes, we talk a lot about emotion and emotional processes, but we don't talk a lot about euphoria and how it affects people. The newness of a relationship presents a lot of euphoria. You feel that you feel this idea of love that's not real, and you feel the bliss the quote unquote happiness because it's not always real. Sometimes these are faciety that come up, and in that newness, a lot of times this person presents something that you either have never had before or something that you have desired. Yeah, and in those moments, like you said in the first ninety days, which a lot of people actually see it before that they just purposely and intentionally overlook these things, or they ignore it or pretend like these problems don't exist because once again, it doesn't fit the idea that they have of that person or the idea that they have of their life. So in that newness, a lot of times you don't see those bad behaviors from yourself and you pretend like the other person doesn't necessarily have these bad behaviors, or you tell yourself that if you love them enough, if you're with them long enough, if you get to know them, if you take care of them enough, these things are just gonna fade out. They're just gonna go away, and it doesn't happen like that now. However, as you said, after the ninety days, which most people see it before once again, but.
Call it, they call it something else.
Once they see these things start to show up, they see the negative behaviors, and other people they see the unhealthy behavior patterns, and other people they see it in themselves. It doesn't fit the narrative. They just try to go on. When you don't, once again, back to radical acceptance. When you don't accept reality for what it is, you cause your own pain and suffering. That's what you do when you create fantastical ideas. You can't point the finger at somebody else because you cause that suffering for yourself. In moments where you knew you should have walked away, you should have set a boundary, you should have stepped back, you didn't. Speaking of boundaries, a lot of people struggle with that in itself, because bounties are rooted in how much you respect yourself. If you respect yourself enough the moment that you saw that this person was not healthy for you, you would have walked away. Yeah, you can't set a boundary if you haven't done that.
You know, here is my I guess you call it a pet peeve. Or when I talk to people about boundaries, Yes, but I find so many, so very often we're having a relationship with the person that they are not having with us. You're all Dayton doing the wild thing, you know. And particularly for women, they find themselves pregnant or they planned the wedding and then when they talk to the man, he's like, you know, that's not what I wanted. And I say, well, what were the agreements that you made? Did you have the agreement that this was a monogamous relationship that you all were planning a future together. What was the agreement? And so many people make have relationships with no boundaries and no agreements and no deal breakers. What's a deal breaker? What in the blazing of Jesus? But anyway, when you start seeing yourself, yeah, but a lot of people don't even know it's their self. That's the thing. We don't know that what a partner is showing us or what the person because sometimes it's your mother, it's your system. We don't know that that's either an aspect of us or that the way they're behaving it's calling for something in us that we need to grow or heal. Right, so your sister never pays her money back? What are you growing or healing? Or your mother is very critical of you? What are you growing or healing? How do you do that? What happens if you don't know it's you? How do you develop the problem solving skills or techniques in a relationship because you don't know it's you that you're looking at.
I don't believe you can if you're always pointing a finger at somebody else and you're not taking accountability. Okay, and you there's no way. If you feel as though you are a perfect individual, then you're being unrealistic to begin with.
Okay.
I think that.
If people come into more situations with a curious mind, yeah, and practicing more willingness, that means that you're willing to accept things that are outside of you. A lot of people you can't collaborate with them. A lot of people don't know how to compromise. There are a lot of people who, in regards to conflict, they're more competitive in their style of conflict. So it's more about what fits them, my way or the highway, what's their narrative. If you can't see outside of yourself, everyone else is always going to be the blame.
They are, Okay, So let's let's go through some common relationship dilemmasat cheating. What is it about me that is attracting the serial Cheatah, I'm good to him. I do everything, I cook, I watched the you know, I fol the socks, I walk the dog. We have great conversations. And this mother lover cheats and lies about it. What is it in me that's attracting the cheat? Though?
It sounds like you're a people pleaser and you're sacrificial and thank you.
Thank you for that assessment. Break that down because this is huge.
So I think that when people are over accommodating and people are people pleasers, they sacrifice so much of themselves, so they put themselves in the inferior position, and they put other people in superior positions. And if a person who is whose goal is to manipulate you, or a person who has like any personality disorders where they don't understand empathy it's just about themselves, they're going to exploit that that's a weakness that they can utilize. You will sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of me, and that's things that are obvious.
You can always tell who's a.
People pleaser in the way that they speak, in the way that they be, in the way that they react, in a way that they behave you see it. People always pay attention to nonverbal behaviors. If they're there's a serial cheater who just wants to put somebody else in his basket, you want somebody who can still cater to him or her or whoever and do whatever it is that they want to do. They're going to look for the person who's going to always give in. It can be general conversation. You can meet somebody at a bar and you can say, you know, I want to buy this. You know I'm gonna get you something to drink.
Oh, no, I have it. Don't worry about it.
Or if you're with friends and they see that you're covering everybody, Oh don't worry about it.
I got it.
They see that you're overly accommodating, you're going to pick up you're a people pleaser. It's ales and you'll be the person that they target.
The other thing that I find about cheating or I don't even think of it as cheating, I think of it as a lack of integrity, Yes, a lack of trust. And if you don't believe you can have what you want, you're going to attract somebody who's going to prove you right exactly. You want to loving healthy monoga mis relationship, but you really don't believe you can have it, if you're gonna attract the person that's gonna show you you can't have that, Does that make sense?
Yeah, the person that reinforces those beliefs.
Okay, mm hmm. Cheating is huge. Cheating is huge. Let's talk about domestic violence.
Oh okay, what's.
Going on in me that I'm gonna attract somebody that's gonna punch me in my face, push me, choke me whatever.
I honestly think when it comes to domestic violence, I think that victims of domestic violence cannot place too much blame on themselves. The one thing we can acknowledge, however, that if you are a person who is going through domestic violence and you have had a history or pass of abuse, some people just go back to what's familiar. Some people have just pult of natures to where they just constantly repeat their past. It's not always on purpose. Some people do it because they're trying to rewrite past. Sometimes it's not intentional, and sometimes people go back to these situations to change the past, thinking that they can fix this, you know, they can prove that, you know, they didn't have to be hit on or anything like that. I think that a lot of people get stuck in familiarity, and I'm not saying that that's everybody, because some people really do fall victim to relationships with the abusers and they didn't realize it because a lot of people come in with all of these great things in the beginning, these great characteristics. A lot of people are performative in the beginning. They come in, they shower you with gifts and praise and compliments, and you don't see the bad in them, And the moment that you do see the.
Bad, they already grabbed you.
They already have you in this deep hold, and you're so emotionally invested that it's hard for you to break. And once again, people struggle is believing that they can love characteristics out of someone. You can't love someone to change. That is something that they have to do.
You cannot love certain characteristics out of someone. You can't love them enough to love them out of their toxicity. Wow, that's a lot. I want you all to think about that. We're gonna come back with mss Kitty and Moore right after this break. Welcome back to the art spot. Kitty Rose and I are discussing some common relationship challenges. We've already looked at healing, having a good relationship with yourself, and if you don't, you're gonna attract somebody a who doesn't have a good relationship with themselves and who is gonna mirror back to you what you do, and if you make it about them, the healing is out the window. Now we're talking about things that are common in relationships and how it is we attract them. We talked about cheating. Let me go back to cheating for a minute, Miss Kitty. I have a question. If a person cheats and you find out they cheat once, is it a guarantee that they'll do it again? No? Okay.
Now, simply because with couples I specialize in infidelity recovery, I can tell you that some people will go back to cheating if you did not get to what the root of the problem was. Yeah, the root of the problem, regardless of unmet needs or unmet expectations. The root of the problem is the offender, the person who engaged in the infidelity. Yeah, but there are a lot of people who actually are integral and they do realize that they've made a mistake and they fix it. There are some people who really do understand the impact that they have had on their partner and they change.
And there are a lot of.
People who actually do look at themselves and do realize that I really do have a problem that I have to address.
So no, it's not guarantee that they'll cheat again.
Miskidning. Can I ask you a question, how how's that a mistake?
Well, let me be light on this, Okay, there are certain if we look at the root of it.
Sometimes people are under the influence.
Sometimes they get too drunk and they really do engage in something they're not supposed to. A lot of times they can't even recall. The ones who did not make the mistake where it was a conscious decision. Are the ones who are just simply looking for the thrill again to see if they have it, trying to relive experiences that they had before, or are taking out the challenge their anger from their partner or the marriage or relationship and putting it into a different situation. The selfish people, those are the ones who didn't make a mistake. When we be light on that term mistake, Oh god.
Okay, yeah, because I'm trying to figure out you know, it's not like the beeeness of just walking down the street fell in a hole. You know, you gotta set that thing up. So I made a mistake. You know, I'm looking at you out of one eye, and you know, the serial cheater. And again I believe that you know, whether it's same sex relationships, had little sexual relationships. If you are the partner holding the belief this is too good to be true, I can't have what I want if you have a history a betrayal, abandonment. I think that you're going to attract somebody that gives you the opportunity to create a clear boundary and to say no. In terms of domestic violence, I lived in it. So when I married it, you know, it took me a minute to get it. But when I got it, I got it. You know, I lived in a household where there was domestic violence. I also lived in a household where punishment or discipline of me, my brother, my sister, as children was viol So whenever the partner was disturbed or upset or whatever, the violence that came was familiar to me, and I think that's true for a lot of people. Let's talk about walk away under what circumstances? Is it like I'm out and I ain't coming back ever on the fifth of never, and will I be back here? Yeah, I'm out, I'm done. No. How do you know that it's time to walk away?
When there's a direct violation of your boundaries, When you realize that there is a lack of compatibility with the majority of the values that you have, if you know your own values, When there is a deep form of emotional abuse, meaning maybe a person is constantly talking to you in a condescending manner, This is ongoing patronizing, calling you names, things like that, threats, I think that's when it's time for you to realize you have to walk away. I'm not saying these are things that you can't work through. I'm saying that it takes a lot of self abandonment and a lot of sacrifice to stay in those situations. When you realize that you have had to sacrifice your own happiness to maintain any sense of harmony in that relationship or marriage, and you realize that no matter what you do, you cannot get it back. It's time for you to walk away. I do believe that. As you said before, serial cheating is a no no. Yeah, maybe one time you can recover. Multiple times you need to walk away. There's foundational problems that you have within your relationship or your marriage, and those are typic things you cannot resolve.
And then the other thing.
I feel like it's time to walk away when there is when there's a lot of influence outside of your relational or marital dynamic. I think that's when it's time for you to walk away as well. When the influence is taken over you all's decision making as a couple, it's taking over the security, the stability, it's time for you to walk away.
What do you mean outside influence like the mother in law, the best friend, those.
Kinds like codependent friendships and codependent in laws. For sure, those are the ones who typically impede and cause problems.
Okay, all right, I hope you all are getting us. I got like sheets of paper here I'm writing down you know, I want to talk about this one because this one is I don't know if this is a walk away, if this is a fix it? What is this one? But you've been in a relationship for a while and then you go to bed Sunday night and you wake up Monday, and there's like this disconnect when you all are just together doing what you do, but there's no intimacy, there's no communication, there's no I don't know. It's like I call it the emotional disconnect. I think if a couple is fighting, if they you know, have those points of rub and they can fight and fight fairly, if they still have you know, just passionate, wild connection to one another even if they're fighting, I think that's okay. It's when that indifference settles in, when you just become indifferent and you're just existing, Well, how do you deal with that? What happens is it usually happens, you know, ten, fifteen, twenty years, and people are reluctant to disrupt their life. So how do you manage an emotional disconnect?
I think the dynamic that you're speaking of is the withdrawal withdrawal dynamic, with both partners being withdrawn. When both partners are withdrawn, that's the dynamic that's really hard to come back from. Yeah, there is so much emotional space that it's and it doesn't have to be emotional tension. Like some people have accepted the fact that we're just here for either the children because we live together. We're trying to get through the lease. We've been together for so long, we just don't want to start over. But then there's going to be that, like you said, that lack of emotional intimacy, conversations are going to be different.
The friendship, it's probably going to be gone as well.
Desire, things like that, appreciation, all of those are gone at that point when you are that far withdrawn, because somebody has to become the pursuing again. But you don't want it to feel one sided, and a lot of people won't give up that to start over. I think that once both partners are withdrawn, I think it's really time for you all to decide what's going to be best for your relationship and meaning. I think it's time if you are to just walk away now. If there is a pursue withdrawn dynamic where one person is still fighting, maybe so, but then we have to figure out why that other partner is so withdrawn.
What happened.
Is this a personal issue?
Is it something that happened within your relationship for your marriage, and is it something that you feel you can put in the efforts and do the work to actually bring back because it still takes intentionality, and usually when both people are withdrawing, they're not trying to be intentional to fixing the problems because it's probably problems that have just been swept under the rug for a long time that haven't been addressed.
Yeah, I let's talk for a moment about emotional intimacy, because I think people can have emotional intimacy when they don't have physical intimacy.
Yes, is that po?
Okay, let's talk about what is emotional intimacy, because the other flip side of that is you can have the physical intimacy without the emotional intimacy. That's still that's that's bad.
It is it is so emotionalcy is like that.
Out of all forms of intimacy physical, sexual, intellectual, spiritual, financial, social intimacy, emotional intimacy is the core of that. So your ability to be able to connect with a person outside of you on an emotional level, that means us being able to have safe conversations, being able to have vulnerable moments, having conversations about how we feel, working through conflict while honoring our emotions, having empathy, being understanding, validating one another, given reassurance. All of that is important. How we regulating each other when we go through problems, how we being coregulators. Those foundational things are important. If you do not have emotional intimacy, it's going to threaten that physical intimacy as well, because if I cannot connect with you on a human level going through these emotional processes, then everything's going to feel like an obligation.
At that point.
It's going to feel like I'm obligated to do so so right now.
Don't get me wrong.
Physical intimacy, as far as like being able to cuddle in things like that, you can do that, but someone's going to bear some type of resentment of not being able to deepening that connection or that relationship. And I think that as far as like outside of physical sexual intimacy, I think that's usually is going to be one sided if there's a lack of emotional intimacy, because somebody's going to feel like it's just a chore the other person enjoys it.
Right, mss Kendy. I have an interesting exercise. Let's build a relationship. Let's you and I build a relationship on paper. Okay, oh okay? What what would we need in this relationship? Let's let's what would what would be the first ingredient in us building a healthy relationship? What would that be?
That's incompatibility? Comp values?
Okay, compatibly wit a minute, I'm writing it down because I might need this list one day. Compatibility What does that mean? I like you? You like me? What? What does that mean? Oh?
It's so much zeper than that. Let's connect on our values. We need to know what we value. You know, do you value stability, security, financial stability, provision, family, spirituality, religion. Let's talk deep and let's understand the root of our values. So that means we need to understand family dynamics as well. What type of family did you come from? Did you come from a family where everyone was considered was Did you have an authoritative family or an authoritarian who was more about punishment rather than discipline. Let's talk those things before we actually create this relationship first, and then let's talk standards expectations as well. We can't come in with this full list of standards. We need to break it all the way down. What are my non negotiables. We're not talking about how you what you wear and how you dress and stuff, but let look at the very things that are going to threaten my own personal stability in my own life. Let's talk those things first. That's the first key. Compatibility, Because a lot of people see chemistry and forget compatibility.
Sexual chemistry means nothing.
Okay, Okay, so we got compatible. We're building a relationship, y'all, get your pencils. We're building a relationship. So compatibility that means our values compatible. Do we have a family history that creates certain propensities or how do we value family? What are our standards? You mean personal standards, individual life standards?
What kind of standards we're gonna say, personal and romantic standards? Okay, Oh, because we have to honor ourselves too, So we have to make sure that whatever it is that we're asking for is honoring what it is that we truly need in our life, not just our desires. It's measuring out desires and needs. So sometimes people come through with this laundry list of standards, right, and it's because they're coming from a desperate place. So if you ever think about it, if you go into a grocery store and you're starving, you're going to select based off of the starvation that you have, So you're gonna pick for everything.
You're writing down everything I want this.
Five hundred things, versus if you go and you are truly fulfilled with yourself, which is what a lot of people don't do, and that's why they have these long lists of standards that people can't meet. If you are a person who is not coming from a desperate place, you have done so many great things for yourself, you're fulfilled. You just really need romantic attributes and things like that. Now, then you're not. If you think about a person who is fully fed, they going to store, They're going to go in for what they need, not just the things that they want, what they need, their list is shorter. It's the same way in romantic relationships. Fulfill yourself first, so the things that you are asking of somebody are literally just a compliment. Sometimes people create standards to try to change people. If you're asking for someone who's well traveled, what if this person doesn't value adventure like you do, then what right and then what so you throw them off that If that's just something that you absolutely cannot compromise with, that's understanding. But some people's standards are not realistic. They're asking for people to change, and that's why they can't stick whenever they connect with somebody. The list doesn't have to be long. Create the things that you truly need. First, go through and see if you have any repetitives. Only the things that you know are going to compliment you first, and then add on those things that you would just won't if it's not coming from a desperate place. When we get desperate for love and companionship and things like that, sometimes we get unrealistic with ourselves. And I think that's what a lot of people struggle with.
You know, at my age, my list is short, alive with your own teeth, and you know, I think people can want what they want and need what they need, but.
It's okay to desire it. Not being realistic with yourself is a problem.
But there's so many women who don't think that that is unrealistic.
And that's unfortunate. Once again, radical acceptance. They don't accept reality for what it is. This is a reality, this is your life.
Now on the flip side, our brother, easy money, he says. If I'm paying the bills and paying the rent and taking care of you and you don't have to work, just shut up and spread your legs. That's all I need you to do. Don't ask me nothing.
Well, yeah, don that sounds so dehumanizing.
Oh but do you know how many women will do that to get the rent paid and have fancy shoes? Do you know how?
May I know how many are willing to make that sacrifice? You know what, if it floats your boat, then go for it.
I guess.
But what's the standard in that?
I think those are.
I think those are immature and unrealistic standards, to be honest, because that's exactly those standards right there that create perpetual problems with couples. Those are the problems that are simply based in value and differences of personality and things like that. If we come in and we're asking for I hate to say it, we're asking for things that are not going to hold any weight in a relationship. Eventually, it's going to create problems and somebody's going to start resenting somebody. Okay, No, I think that when we whenever we talk about standards. It needs to be prioritized. What are the things that are going to create longevity and peace and a healthy relationship. Simply shutting up and spread of your legs is objectifying and dehumanizing. No, someone's going to be upset. Tell somebody that they have to be well traveled. That's okay if you desire that, But you also can do those things with the person.
Okay, let's continue building our relationship compatibility of value, standards, expectations, What are your non negotiables, what are your personal and romantic standards? What's your family history? How does family measure into this? What else do we need to build our relationship?
Boundaries? And also what's your relationship with yourself?
Okay, yourself? Well the odd to people that are building this relationship, they pretty good with they.
Sell they're pretty okay.
Okay, bound boundaries what about well, you know, boundaries, I say agreements. Do we agree to be monogamous? Do we agree not to withhold secrets? Do we agree? You know? And that could be a boundary.
So then that takes us back to our values and our moral compass. Definitely that because you need to make sure that neither one of you all has a faulty moral compass. So let's talk about the importance of these things. If do you believe that cheating is wrong. If a person says, well, if you're a person who believes that cheating is immral, and that other person's like, well, it all depends. Okay, there's going to be some conflicts and morals right there. So I think those things need to be talked about as well. The importance of things lying, honesty, fidelity versus infidelity.
Absolutely, I call those deal breakers.
Absolutely.
I say you go in with your three deal breakers. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. Calling me out my name is a deal breaker lutely and messing with my money. Don't put your hands in my person or your signature on my check or yeah you know, and I'm giving, We can share, we can support. I just don't do that, okay, miss Kitty. Well, we got our things here with We built our relationship on compatibility, values, family history, standards, expectations. You know, I want to talk about communication, but we'd be here for another two hours. That means I'm just gonna have to have you come back. Effective communication in a relationship, Oh my god. But I want to do some rapid fire questions with you. Yeah, all right? Why would a woman settle for being the other woman?
Love? Self? Work?
What do you look for to determine whether your partner has withdrawn or not withdrawn, you know, when they're not present in the relationship. What do you look for?
Lack of conversation, lack of emotional presence, negative talk towards each other, negative conversations, constant criticisms, constant complaints of not receiving enough valadays, enough reassurance yep, and them starting to engage in hobbies and more interests outside of you that don't include you.
How do you know that your partner is controlling?
They try to change you, They try to change you to conform to what they desire of you. They try to they over they end up, you know, constantly monitoring, like your engagements with your friends, with your family, what you wear, you know, education, academics, things like that. Those show signs of controlling behaviors.
Okay, how do you handle if your partner wants you to do some freaky dicky stuff in the bedroom and you don't want to do it? What do you do?
You can be passive, You just have to be assertive.
And just tell them what it is that you don't like and what it is that you don't desire. Not saying that you can't compromise, but if it's something that you're absolutely uncomfortable with and you know that you're not willing to compromise on that or whatever the internal conflict is, you just have to speak on it and be well, just be be prepared for the objection because you're going to receive it.
Whose responsibility is it to check the X? If the AX is showing up in a crazy way? Who's responsibility is it to check the X? Is it the ex partner? Or is it the partners you know what I mean.
The person who had the relationship with them. It's their responsibility.
Okay, a meddling mother in law, how do you manage that?
You talk to the child, that mother's child, You speak to whoever your partner is, and you tell them exactly what problems you're having, and you both need to sit down and talk about boundaries that you need to create with that mother in law. If it doesn't, if that person feels uncomfortable, you're going to have to be the person to have a conversation. And if for any reason, she still doesn't respect it, because a lot of codependent mother in laws will not respect the boundaries that you create because it doesn't it doesn't benefit them. Then in that moment, you have to go ahead and be firm on consequences and if you both are not in agreeance, then you have to start reassessing that relationships.
That is a good one. I think that's wonderful. You have given me some good stuff to work on, mis Kenny. Where can people find you? Where can they hear from you? If you're on tour with Where do they go to find out about what you're doing?
If they want to see me on tour either, I have a moment to excel tour that is for all women and we're working on self esteem, self security and things like that. You can go to my website www. Dot kittiose dot com slash tour. If you want to see me on Tonight's conversation, of course, you can go to as metaphor dot shop, and then you can always find me on social media at Kitty j Rows on all of my social media platforms.
It has been a joy. I thank you so much. I got my list right here. I'm gonna put it up on all and when people call me, I'm gonna say, did you do this? Did you do that?
Well? Thank you so much for having me today.
Thank you for the work you're doing in the world, because the more work you do, less work I have to do. And I appreciate that. Thank you, Miss Kinny, Thank you so much. I hope that you heard something here today that will help you and your relationships. Go back and listen to this again. I have four sheets of paper, so I'm sure you should at least come up with two here on the R Spot because we want to support you and making your relationships healthier, joyful, peaceful, and self supportive. That's it for me today. I will see you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace and not in pieces. Bye. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite show.