Breaking Up With Your B.S.

Published Aug 30, 2023, 10:00 AM

This week’s callers think there are no more good single men out there. One woman is only attracting men who take and never give in the relationship, and now she measures her relationships as a transaction. Then, the second caller believes she’ll never find what she wants in a partner, and because of that ends up finding men who leave her. Iyanla takes it all the way back to the root, diving into each callers’ belief systems (B.S.) developed at a young age.
Do you want to be on the podcast? Follow Iyanla on social media for the latest call-in information!
instagram & twitter: @IyanlaVanzant
facebook: @DrIyanlaVanzant

This is a rebroadcast of Episode 14. 

I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher for salm, and a soft place to fall for others. And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself enough to be able to share my love with other people. Welcome to the r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Everyone has their own BS, their own belief system, and everyone believes things about the world based on that BS, that belief system. It's a survival mechanism or a way of understanding the world around us and our experiences. If you were bitten by a dog at a young age, you might believe that all dogs will bite you, that dogs are scary and dangerous. If you've ever had a car accident, maybe you are afraid to drive. Anything and everything we experience can push the triggers of our belief systems in one way or another, and that also applies to relationships. People who have dealt with abandonment will attract those who abandon them, people who have dealt with rejection will attract those who reject them. And others who believe they don't deserve love, can't have love, won't ever get love will attract people who cannot give them the love that they want or need. It's a catch twenty two. So how do you fix that? How do you heal those issues? Well, we're gonna learn about that today. Let's say hello to our first caller. Good afternoon, beloved, welcome to the art spot. How can I support you today?

First, I want to say I love you. I've been listening to you for years. I wish you could be like my personal therapist. I really wish.

No, I'm not a therapist, so we would be in a lot of trouble.

I know, I know, but your insight is just amazing.

I love it.

What kind of insight can I support you with? Today?

So basically, I truly desire to have a committed relationship. I want to be married. I would like to have another child. But it's like all of the men that I come across, it's like they all just want, you know, to deal with multiple women. They don't want to commit, or they act like they do at the beginning just to give what they want and then they disappear. So I'm kind of just like losing hope for anything serious.

I don't know who do me either? Oh my God me either, honey, and you a lot younger than I am. So the people my age ain't got no teething on all kinds of medication and pieces and parts ain't working. So we just out here together. What else gonna do? What else gonna do? Right, Well, I'm gonna go right to the core. Why do you want to be in relationship?

That's a great question. I feel like I would be happy if I had a family to care for. That would just make me happy.

So you want to be in relationship for what it will bring to you?

Well, I also want to, you know, contribute to my partner a very loving, nurturing, caring person. So I do plan to give as well, and I just take what.

Have you given in the past and what have you received?

I feel like everything I've given loyalty, trustworthy. If a person need help with something, I would try to tell I've been a motivator, all types of things. I feel like in return, I feel like in return, I just like at the end of each situation, I feel depleted. I don't feel like I was given anything. I feel like I was probably begging most of the time, or a person make it seem like what I'm asking for is too much.

M h So why did you give so much in hopes that I would get Yeah? So your relationships are transactional. You're dealing with transactional relationships. You give me this, I'll give you that. If I give you this, you should give me that. Transactional relationships never work and the giver always receives less. Always, And at the core, at the core of a transactional relationship, there is a kootie. You know what a kootie is? No, a cootie is like a little bug, a little thing that eats away in something. Cooties the nasty You know what is at the kootie at the core of a transactional relationship? Want me to tell you what it is? Yes, the belief that you can't have what you want.

That sounds about right.

There's a belief there, Uh huh. You can't have what you want. Now, you keep trying to disprove it, but you will never live beyond your belief. And if you believe that you can't have what you want, you will never have it. You'll keep getting evidence to prove that your belief is right. It leads to this kind of cat and mouse game. I can't have what I want. Oh but that looks like what I want, so let me get that. But the belief is operating, I can't have what I want. So you'll continue to attract things and people that aren't what you want because you know what we want more than anything else, we want to be right. And so you have a belief that is I can't have what I want. I want to be right about that, so I'll keep attracting evidence to make me write about the belief. You got to heal up the belief.

So what do I need to do to reverse that thought process?

So you know, there's a very powerful way to dismantle belief systems, and that's really to dump the consciousness of where the belief originated. So this probably originated in your childhood. And the way you can get in touch with that is by writing with your non dominant hand. So are you right handed or left handed? I'm right handed, okay, So that means with your left hand you would have to write. What I believe about relationship is what I believe about having a relationship in my life. What I believe about being loved by someone is all of that stuff, But you write it with your left hand, not with your right hand, because the left hand, the non dominant hand, will dump your subconscious mind and bring up all of those feelings and it's hard to do. It's hard, you know, to write with your left hand. It's gonna be all over the paper and it's gonna look real crazy, but you're gonna tap into what the kootie up under there, because there's some sadness and there's some anger, and there's some disappointment and loneliness. Yeah, and loneliness, yeah, probably all the way back to when you were little. And that's what you've got to uproot. And with your right hand, you know, you can do some powerful attraction through I am you know, I am attracting the right partner. I am attracting a generous partner. I am attracting a committed partner. I am attracting a loving partner. And you can do that with your right hand right, Because it's not the man. There are plenty of men out there, plenty of available men. And know how I know because I talk to them all the time. Why can't I find a good woman?

Really?

Yeah? What do you believe about good women?

You know where Philadelphia?

Oh yeah, I used to live in Philly, West Philly forty ninth and Pine.

They there in North Philly.

Well, North Philly. That's why you can't find nobody go down to West Philly. No, I'm just scared. I'm just teasing you. But that's really what it's about. It's about your relationships have become transactional. You've been giving more than you're getting because you don't believe you can have what you want. You don't believe you can have what you want. So it has to be about you moving into that belief of I can have what I want. So since you ain't in a relationship, you got time do the work. Okay, okay, okay, my darling, thank you for calling.

Thank you for speaking with me today.

Okay, bye bye. We all have a belief system. The issue is how do we clean up our belief systems so that relationships are not such hard work. In my caller's case, she needs to identify the times that she didn't get what she wanted. Then over time she started to believe this pattern and live this pattern, and she believes this is just how things are going to be for her, and then she'll attract people who cannot will not do not give her what she wants and keep the cycle going. My lord, that's why you us do the work to identify your patterns and then dismantle them by creating a new pattern. After the break, we'll come back with my second caller, who has a similar issue, but for a very different reason. Welcome back to the R Spot today. We're talking about dismantling your false belief systems. Now, this whole notion of unworthiness and not being able to have what it is we say we want shows up in a variety way. Some of them are very clever, because you know, we are brilliant when it comes to covering up our core issues. Okay, we'll never go around saying I'm unworthy and I can't have what we want, But what we will do is create all kinds of story, all kinds of drama, and all kinds of bad behavior that the ego then uses to reinforce the belief that I'm unworthy of having what I want. One of the ways we do that is serial dating. My next guest is a classic example. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the R Spot. And what is a challenge issue dilemma that you're bringing to the table. For us to nibble on today.

I'll good afternoon, Queen Yanna, thank you so much for having me.

How are you?

I am blessed and so blessed and here your bofe. I went to see you when you came to stocks and I don't want to ramble, but I just love you so much and I've been following you for years and I'm so honored to be able to bring my issue, relationship issue to you.

Okay, you got a relationship issue, do you?

The issue I have is I have trouble building lasting relationships because of trust issues in the past and relationship where I felt like I gave one hundred percent and was heard and cheated on and lied too, and it just has kind of given me. I kind of am like a serial dater. I love dating, but as soon as I see anything that looks like it's not right, I run. And I'm trying to get to a point where I recognize, you know, normal things that you should expect and just I don't know, it's just that's where I'm struggling at the trust and relinquishing the control of out of fear of being hurt.

Oh yeah, did you see the movie The matrix.

I did.

Okay? Did you like him?

I did.

Do you remember that whenever Neo went out to do something in the world, to fight Jones, or to go visit the Oracle or anything, that he was strapped into the chair? Yes, okay, So that meant that everything that we were seeing, everything that he went through, what's going on in his mind because he was strapped into the chair.

Oh I'm strapped into the chair.

Yeah, you strapped into the chair, baby, making up all kinds of stuff. And do you remember that Morpheus said to Neo, do you want the red pill or the blue pill?

Or the blue pill?

The blue pill will keep you exactly where you are, doing, exactly what you're doing. That's the blue pill. And the red pill is going to catapult you out of the matrix into a whole nother way of being. All right, Do you want the blue pill or the red pill?

A red pill?

You sure? Okay? Red says, give me the real truth, the hardcore, rot, gut, cold water in my face, slapped me up inside the head truth. That's the red pill. You want that one? Yeah, okay, I do. Someplace deep in your being is the belief that you can't have what you want.

That's true.

So you brilliantly, brilliantly set yourself up to be in situations that will give you evidence that you can't have what you want. It's just as simple. Wow. And you cannot live beyond your beliefs. So what you will do is tirelessly, relentlessly and unconsciously put yourselves in situations or with people, or under circumstances where you can't have what you want. And the minute there's a eoda of what looks like, smells like, tastes like you can't have it, you blame them.

That's true.

They can gonna give me what I want. They're gonna hurt me, they're gonna leave me. But but boy, so let me go all all the way back. Let me go back to the root and the car.

Wow.

Okay, okay, who left you, mommy, daddy, Grandma? Who left you.

Daddy?

Yeah? Okay, that's number one. And what was the script or the conversation I'm talking young, I'm talking three four or five secs with the caregivers about you having what you want. It could have been we can't afford it, that's too much, you can't have it. What was that conversation what was that script that was implanted in your consciousness?

Then I'm gonna say it's a little bit of both. So at the time, my biological father was deceased as I was three, So I was raised by my mom in a single parent home, and I had a brother, and I always felt like the bad kid. Even though I didn't do necessarily the bad things, regular mischievous things. I kind of always had the title of the bad kid.

You know, period period right there, Yeah, right there, I was the bad kid. Now do bad kids get punished? Do bad kids get in your experience? What happened to bad kids?

I was always expected to mess up, and so I did most of the time.

Mm hmmm, because you will live up to the expectations.

I did. But years later, you know, my real dad, who is alive. That's his character. He's slick, he's street, he's cunning, he's that. And so that was kind of at the time. I didn't realize that I was wearing that, because when my mom saw me, she saw my dad and she said, without saying it, she was thinking it, she's like him now. And so I lived up to that, you know, I lived up to it. Yeah, years later, when I was forty seven, I realized my dad was alive and that it just was a untruth or secret that kind of was kept. So anyway, Yeah, I always felt like that that I couldn't do anything right, or I'm going to make a mistake, or I'm walking kind of on a tight rope and my happiness is short term because I'm going to mess something up.

So knowing all of that, why in the world are you calling me? You just laid it right out.

It's something about a yama.

So let me give you a prescription. Because it's not that you don't trust people, it's that you don't trust yourself because you are bad. Yeah, you don't trust yourself because people have secrets and you don't know what they are.

Right.

You don't trust yourself because people are dishonest and you can't figure that out. Yeah, okay, yes, and well you don't have no time to waste. My producer said, you're fifty two, so we got to get this resolved. Okay, I don't have you've been doing this a long long time. Yes, after this break, we're going to talk about how to heal that inner child and break the pattern of the people that you are attracting. Welcome back to the R spot where we're talking about dismantling relationship belief systems and healing your inner child, who will run your life if you let it. Let's get back to the conversation. So I heard you say something about three. At three years old, you were told that your daddy was deceased. Is that accurate?

Yeah?

Do you have a picture of yourself at three or around that age?

Yes? I do.

I want you to get that picture. I want you to put it in a put it in a nice frame. Go to the Dollar Tree. You can get a nice frame from the Dollar Tree, or if you feel extravagant, go to Michael's. They have them on sale. Okay, put that picture in a nice, beautiful frame. Because I want you to teach that little girl that she can trust you. She's still in there, okay, and she's got all the information from the five year old, a nine year old, the thirteen year old. Because I can imagine eleven to thirteen was a rough time for you, because that's when all your badness was showing. It was Yeah, I know, because you're growing into your own you want to become independent, and you're thinking it out. Those are rough ages for girls. Your body's changing, everything's changing. When did you become sexually active? How old were you?

Oh? My god, fifteen? I was a team mom.

Okay, oh you messed up again, didn't you?

I did?

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, Bless your heart, baby, you've been through a lot. Oh, get that fifteen year old if you've got a picture of her thirteen fourteen, fifteen, So you can get the picture of the little one and the picture of eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, somewhere in there. Put those pictures in a very prominent place where you can see them. But here is the work that I want you to do. This is a very deep and sacred work. Okay, and it was developed by a psychologist in Hawaii who worked with the criminally insane. Okay, now you're not criminally insane, but the process works.

Okay.

What's criminal is the belief that you can't have what you want. That is your punishment for being bad. Ok You can't trust yourself because you're dishonest and you're slick in your cunning, and you're gonna mess it up sooner or later. Yes, So the trust issue is with yourself. So, beloved, there's something that I think would be very helpful for you. Okay, it's called the whole process. That's h o O p O n O p O n O whole process. So I want to speak to your little three year old that are lodge deep in your subconscious mind. I want to speak to them right now. Okay, see feel imagine that that three year old, that four year old, five year old you are right there present with you. Take a breath and just remember what you look like, what your hair looked like, what your body look like, what your legs look like. Can you see that or feel that or imagine it? Yep? Yeah. So I want to say to you little Rochelle, I love you. I love you, and I'm speaking for the big you. I'm speaking for the fifty two year old Rochelle who knows all that you've been through. I love you, and I am so so sorry that you've been taught that you're bad. Please forgive whoever taught you that. Literal Rochelle. She is so so so sorry that you've been taught that you can't trust yourself, you can't trust your thoughts, you can't trust your feelings. But most of all, she is so so sorry that you've been taught that you can't have what you want. Please forgive whoever taught you that. Thank you for being committed to your healing. Thank you, liter Rochelle. I'm speaking for the big Rochelle who knows you and loves you, and she wants you to know that she is so so sorry that the big people that you trusted, the big people that you depended on, were dishonest and made you believe that you too were dishonest. She wants you to forgive them right now so that you and her can heal. And she says, thank you for being committed to your healing. Take a breath, tell me what you're feeling right now, Rede Yeah.

Three, yeah.

Your work is to work with those two pictures of yourself, the little girl and the teenager, the teen mom, and to every day for a couple of days, just sit with them, and here's the statements. I love you, I am so sorry that. And then you talk about whatever it is. You talk about what you believe and what you thought, what you were told. Please forgive them, for they know not what they do. Thank you. Those are the only four statements that you have to make, and you'll know whether you're talking to the little one, whether you're talking to the big one, because you have to teach those parts of yourself that they can trust you and that you can trust yourself. And as you free them up from the past, you'll free yourself up from the past, because all you're doing is living an ingrained pattern. That's all. You can even go online and look up the whole process and it'll give you four statements. Work with them, let's say, over the course of the next month, and things will start coming up. You'll start remembering things. It's not you at fifty two, it's those little people, so that you can clear this out of your body and your system. Does that sound doable.

My love, It definitely sounds doable. Oh my god, yes it does.

So your assignment is to go to the Dollar Tree or Michael's. I'm not advertising for either of those two businesses. Okay, get those picture frames and put those two little ones in a prominent place, and every day for the next month or longer if you need to. I like to work with forty two days because they say it takes forty days to break a habit and two days to instill a new one. Okay, the first forty days, you're breaking the habit of thinking you're bad, you're wrong, you're slick, you're cunning, you're gonna mess up, you can't do it right. And then the next two days you're gonna be establishing the new habit of seeing yourself and those little people within you in a new way. Yeah. Yeah, and for the time being, And don't date nobody because you're a mess right now.

I am, I am, I agree, Do.

Not date nothing. Get you some popcorn and watch TV. Okay, give yourself a chance to heal. And when you hang up this phone, you know what I want you to do. Go somewhere in the corner and weep, just weep for those broken little girls that you've been carrying around in and out of dates.

Oh my god.

Okay, yeah, or you got forty two days, so give me a call in about sixty days and let me know how you're doing. Okay. I will thank you for calling, beloved. Now go in the corner and weep. That's your assignment.

I will.

Okay, Bye bye, Thank you so much, Bye bye bye. It's just the fact of life that the experiences we have as children, the experiences we have with the big people the caregivers are siblings, other children in the neighborhood. These experiences teach us how to navigate relationships. We learn from the people in our lives, we emulate and recreate those dynamics and their relationships in our relationships. We can even learn about relationships from the people who are not in our lives. And if we develop patterns and beliefs about abandonment, rejection, or insecurity, we're going to live them out until we change them. There are ways to dissolve these belief systems and behavior patterns, and it's important to do the work as soon as you can to identify your issue, because you'll never have a healthy relationship or attract the people you want in your life if you believe you can't do it, if you believe you're not worthy of it, if you believe it will never happen for you or this is a good one. Very often in our relationship, instead of running toward what we want, we run away from what we don't want and in the process recreate the pattern. Now, these belief systems as it relates to relationship, these are hard patterns to break, but you can do it. You can move forward, you can heal. You can change and it doesn't matter what age you are now. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
Social links
Follow podcast
Recent clips
Browse 118 clip(s)