Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Published Aug 24, 2022, 10:00 AM

Ending a relationship can be a difficult process at its best, or a painful experience at its worse. This week’s callers discuss the difficulties in their relationships, from cheating to violating boundaries and the challenges in breaking up. Iyanla guides her callers to “know what they know” and do what’s right for them. 

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Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight

I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the fact that I was not always good at making my relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person. In other words, I have seen a lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I am here to share with you what I learned along the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. This means that some relationships have been formed for a specific reason. Perhaps you need to learn, earn something, or heal through something, or grow through something as a result of the relationship itself. So today I want to talk about relationships that come to an end, whether it's an abrupt end or a slow death process, breaking up, leaving, exiting a loving relationship, what I call a love ship. It's hard to do. Now, it doesn't have to be hard, but in more cases than not, it is difficult, at best devastating in many cases. Today I want to discuss why. So let's start right here. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about a letter. Then I received that comes from a woman named Pam. Hi, Pam, Welcome to the Ourtspot. Today. We're talking about breaking up being hard to do, and as I read your letter, I would say, I, yeah, it's been hard, but I thank you for your letter because it speaks to everything we need to examine in today's topic. So tell me a little bit about your relationship and start with your love story. What is your love story that brought you and your almost ex husband together in the first place. So we were twenty four, Um, we met out hanging out. I don't know, it was just an instant connection that we had, you know, while dating, though you know we did. There were some it was some initial some signs, Yes, some signs. The signs were definitely there. Tell me about that. Tell me about the signs. What were that? Well, you know, with some initial deception in the relationship, you know, I would say that, um, our foundation, you know and how we started wasn't the greatest. And I think we built on a shaky foundation. So if you were connected and you had things in common, talk to me about what was in the foundation or what was not in the foundation. So, like I said, it was, the love was there, the connection was there. But you know, there was some serious deception there in the beginning of the relationship that I think put a crack in the bond that we had established right before you got married or after you got married before. But because we loved each other, um, and because I had been in a similar situation to this particular one before and I chose to leave that relationship. And then when I met him and went through the same thing, I was like, well, maybe that's not the right thing, that maybe maybe I should just hang in there because I know I love him, and that's what I did. So fast forward. Um, we were twenty four. We dated for about five or six years, UM, and then we we got married. And it was right after the marriage was that I didn't learn the details of the deception, additional details regarding the deception right that he didn't convey before. So that was very, very hurtful. But again, um, when you love a person and you want to be with them and they want to be with you, you know, your heart tells you to do things, but your mind is sometimes telling you something else. But a lot of times, as women, because we're emotional creatures, we live with our hearts and that's what I did, ms Pam. I want to give you an opportunity to reverse that, because you see, the mind will lie to you. The mind will give you all manner of reasons and excuses and rationales and suppositions. But it's the heart that speaks to two. I sense that very often people in general will blame the heart for what their mind is telling them. Your heart probably said run run for your life, and your mind says, well, he's my husband and we love each other and etcetera, etcetera. Yes, I also want to offer you this proposition. If you want to know the end, look at the beginning. So what I hear you saying is that there was deception in the beginning of the relationship that created a crack in the foundation. Okay, so here we are now at the end and this thing hits you. And I'm assuming that the deception you're speaking about had to do an infidelity is accument. Yes, how long had that relationship been going on when you found out about it? About two years? And that wasn't the first one, wasn't. No, that was the one I could prove prove how it was sent to me? What was sent to you? A message and explicit videos. Wow, I am really sorry about that. Yeah. And when I say as a woman and as a wife, um, what I received, no woman should ever No woman first of all, should ever receive that, And no woman should ever have to see their husband in that manner. Psychologically, we're not made up that way to see that to really be able to handle it. You know, at least I wasn't. What's the distinction you make between knowing it and seeing it? Because you knew but you hadn't seen it. What's the distinction that you make? Knowing is one thing, but when you see it, it's a visual. Okay, miss Pam, I want you to own that. When I saw it, right when I saw it, the visual was it was traumatizing. So when you know something, it's not necessarily when I knew something, because you are still externalizing this. I know, Mr y'aller because I have been so closed off and shut down. That's why I'm speaking about it externally because it's really hard to internalize. The breakup will not happen until you internalize it. Until then you will continue to re traumatize yourself. Yeah, you've got to own it. Work with this, my beloved, Knowing wasn't enough because repeat that, knowing wasn't enough because I couldn't I couldn't prove it's right. So you see indications, you see clues, you see I saw, I saw, I saw. Okay, I got you, now I got you. It wasn't anything that I did not see. I saw cards, I saw letters, I saw pictures, I saw explicit texts. Why wasn't that enough to let go? Because again, it could be explained away. Not that even the explanations made any sense. But I think for me and I'm I'm gonna be real here. I was in a sense of denial, like I didn't want to let go of the family that I we had created. Why and and to ask myself, why didn't I leave? It is a dumb question. I was holding onto my family unit. Oh no, you were holding onto the image that you had created in your mind. And that's normal, not natural, but it is normal. You know what else, my beloved, it was familiar. You had been there before and made up your mind. I'm not gonna walk away this time. I'm gonna stick it out. You see, when we have the image of what we think it is or what we wanted to be, we just have a hard time saying, oops, I was wrong. I made a mistake. And that's what makes breaking up so hard to do. So what do we do now? We'll talk about that right after this break Welcome back to the our spot. We are continuing our conversation about breaking up leaving a relationship. When you are breaking up, there must be a consequence for the behavior identified, and there must be clear boundaries that then create the game changes or the you know, the bottom lines. I got remorse, I got the ecology, I got flowers, candy, gifts, all that. But what I didn't get was what I wanted. I wanted the accountability. I wanted him to say, what can I do to change this? What can I do to make it better? How can we work together to try to get through this situation? And I never heard those words. It sounds to me like perhaps at beginning with the deception in the foundation, you didn't have a clear deal breakup. Would that be accurate? M h, that's what you call boundaries. See, there are two things I never tolerated in a relationship, and I tolerated some other crazy stuff, but one thing was cheating and the other thing was messing with my money. Don't mess with my money. You are gone. Don't put your hand in my checking account, don't be digging around in my purse. Those are deal breakers for me. And then you cheat, You're gone. You mess with my money, I'm out. So I'll tell you the kind of woman I am. I had just had my daughter. She was about six weeks old, and I was at home with her. My two older children were in school when the doorbell rang, maybe about one o'clock in the afternoon. So I go to the door and there are these two women, one older, one younger. When I opened the door, they asked me my name, and they introduced themselves, tell me who they were. Then the older woman said to me, this is my daughter, and we're here to find out when you are going to let let me just give you a name, Uh, Franklin. When you're gonna let Franklin go. We're planning his marriage to my daughter, but he says, you won't sign the divorce papers. So this woman brought her daughter to my house to ask me when I was going to sign the divorce papers so that her daughter could marry my husband. But like I said, I don't tolerate cheating. So on that bright Sunday afternoon. You know what I did. I said, wait a minute, and I went back in my house and I went to the closet. I took all of his clothes and put them in one of those big black trash bags. Everything I took him out of the closet, the drawers, everything, even the wet auntry I had hanging on the line. I pulled that in and put it in the bag. And I carried those bags to the front door. I said, here, here's all this closed. Then I said, wait a minute. I went back inside and I got Lady, the German shepherd. I put her leash on. I took her to the door, and I said, here, take the dog too. I told you I got deal breakers, and this was my husband and I had a six week old baby. You want him, you got him. I gave them all of his clothes and the dog. That's how you have a deal breaker, and you hold it. But how many of us women are taught to establish those early in the relationship. I never established boundaries. Who taught you how beloved? No one you didn't know. And it's unloving to ask yourself to do something you don't know how to do. It's unloving. You didn't know not to blame anybody because the people who didn't know how to do it couldn't teach you how to do it. So many of us don't have boundaries. The other thing is so many of us, as women, go into relationships and marriage without clear deal breakers. You've got to have your deal breakers at the beginning, and by the time you realize, oh damn, this isn't working. So many deals have been broken you can't even figure out which one is the real one, which is the most horrible one. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. We go into relationships and by the time they blow up, like you said, you're traumatized. I am, But it's a blessing. Here's the lesson. The universe is saying to you, know what you know, even without evidence, the cards, the pictures, the text, the letters. You say it wasn't evidence. I don't know how much more evidence you want or need. So what what's next? The video? The video was the most reasonable thing. What else was going to happen? You were going to walk into in a living room? The universe was teaching you something, beloved, know what you know? It's your bad behavior too. If you clean up your bad behavior, he will disappear. But I don't know how to get there. Right now, you are all vibrating at the same place. His bad behavior was about his bad behavior. Your bad behavior was about ignoring his bad behavior. So I want to send you or give you a copy of Forgiveness forty Days to forgive everyone for everything, And I want you to do the work in that book. I want to say thank you, and I want you to know how much I really love you. I appreciate you, and I appreciate you being so willing to work on your out. And if you are a g c C member, a Global Community Connection member, you've got a lot of information. You have to go back and do some of that work. And then in ninety days, I want you to write me and let me know where you are. Oh yes, ma'am, I will definitely. When you are leaving a relationship where there's money or property or children involved, chances are you are going to need some outside support, a third party, a mediator, an attorney, even a minister or a counselor who can help you sort through the rubble. And I know in some cases people think they cannot afford the support they need. But there is always away, there's legal aid, there's a friend of a friend who has some experience in this area. The point is, when it comes to leaving and asking for what you want, you may need some help. So be open to asking for it, be open to compromising on your requests, and if the third party is not being cooperative, step to the left and get someone involved who can advocate on your bath. Oh lord, leaving isn't easy. Breaking up is so hard to do, and we haven't even scratched the surface of the challenges, the difficulties, the ins and outs of getting out. In fact, in all relationships, boundaries are absolutely essential because boundaries are the way that you demonstrate respect, not only for yourself but for the other person. Boundaries are the way that you keep yourself safe and teach the other person what they can expect from you and what you can expect from them. Now, here's the problem with bad counties. Most people create a boundary and if someone crosses the boundary, they back up and draw another line. Well, that is very unhelpful. The other problem with boundaries is we fail to create a consequence for violation of the boundary. And my next caller is learning all about boundaries. We'll talk to her when we come back. Welcome back to the our Spot. We are continuing our conversation about how to set boundaries, how to hold the boundary, and how to enact the consequence for violation of a boundary. But more important, she's learning why she has to do it. Greetings beloved, Welcome to the our Spot. How are you today? How are you? Thank you? Thank you, thank you for calling today. Thank you. And here at the our Spot we discuss all issues related to relationships. So what is your issue, challenge, problem, concern that we can dive into to that. Okay, So my concern is that I have a my child father is an alcoholic and I would like for my child to know him. But I think I just need some assistance on like how to set boundaries with like keeping her safe, keeping her emotionally safe, and just everything that comes along with the alcoholic, because um, I don't want to come off as bitter and just keep her away from him because I want to keep her safe, I just don't know how to maneuver with She's my only child. Again, I thank you for calling in and let me make sure I've got this. You have a child that is how old? Nineteen months? And you want the child to be in a relationship with her father, but you're concerned about whether or not she is safe with them. Okay. So has he always been an alcoholic? He always has been, and I was one before her. Well, when I had her, I stopped drinking and he kept drinking. Okay, So you have a shared history today and my hearing that you don't live together, we don't. Okay, good? And what is his current relationship like with her? He has one. He will do that to get to me, like he really wants to be with me, but it's like he almost tries to use it, like he doesn't support her financially. I do everything for her. And it's like if if I would allow him to be in a relationship with me, then he would do those things. So he sort of that, he kind of like he will try to use our relationships and like he doesn't really necessarily have a relationship with her, But when we don't talk, he like, well when am I going to see her? You never see here? So I just I don't know, all right, So let's handle some basics here. The basic is alcoholism is a disease. So when you are dealing with him, you have to deal with him knowing that he is not well. I'm overly compassionate for him, and then I'll give him passes for things. Compassion is not about giving him a pass. Sympathy is about giving him a pass. Compassion is about the elimination of his suffering, the elimination of your suffering, and the elimination probably of your daughter suffering. And nothing is going to cause her greater suffering than to see her father in the height of his illness. He wants to be with you, So we're going to separate that out because I'm thinking and hearing that your relationship to him is over. Okay, all right, so that's clear. So then you're dealing with your daughter's father period. There's no discussion about your relationship with him, and what do you want to see in that relationship. I just want to see them able to interact. I want to see him want to have a relationship with her and not focus so much on me, but focus on her, and not in exciteful way. Well beloved, it's unloving to ask someone to do something that they cannot do. That's a very unloving thing. You're asking an alcoholic to make rational decisions and behave in a responsible way. That is not going to happen. Okay, you said a keyword early in your communication. You said boundaries. So what are the current boundaries that you have with him? I don't really have any, that's the problem. So let's start with some boundaries. What is the first boundary that you would like to create with him? And I have a little voice, so I instantly you just sit down and just like whatever, he's like a roaring lion, like that's how he is. Yeah, well, you've got to put that in check and let him know. I'm asking you not to speak to me in that way, and if you do, I will end the communication. Whether you hang up the phone or walk away, you've got to announce this. So the first boundary is how he speaks to you. That's number one. That doesn't have anything to do with your daughter. That has to do with the fact that you are your daughter's mother, and there's a way that you can receive people. But chances are he's going to violate that boundary and then there must be a consequence. Okay, I'm going to walk away or hang up. I want you to know that there's a consequence to how you speak to me and how you behave. See when you first announced the boundary and you tell him the consequence, trust me, he is going to violate it. So the next time he speaks to you, he'll probably yell or curse or whatever. That's when you say to him, Remember, I asked you not to speak to me like that. I told you. If you do, I'm going to walk away, or I'm going to hang up the phone. I'm going to end the communication. So you're doing it right now again, I'm going to ask you to stop. That's how you hold the boundary and how long do I hold it? How long do I with Well, I'm not asking you to withhold conversations because you may hang up. He might call you right back. That's when you say, I have asked you not to yell at me. You're yelling, So I'm not going to take any more calls from you today. Call me back when you can speak to me without yelling or cursing or whatever. But you are announcing the boundary. You are making it clear. I've asked you not to speak to me in that way. If you do, here's the consequence. Because you have violated a boundary. You see, you can have another conversation with him later on, but right now a boundary has been violated. A consequence must be enacted, because a boundary without a consequence just doesn't work right. So the first boundary is how he speaks to you. What's the second boundary you need to set with him? Um, how we can co parent? Um, Because he'll use that because he knows that I'm not comfortable with her going with him without me, and neither she She'll cry. So what he'll do is say, I'm coming to get her and we don't need you, So I don't know how to let her be without me with him. So the second boundary I'm hearing you say you have to create is about his mind. You are dealing with a diseased mind. Now that doesn't make him bad, doesn't make him a bad person, but you have to tell yourself the truth about that. So the second boundary are the visitation parameters for him and your daughter, and you have to tell him the truth. It may be like, I know you are her father, but you are also an alcoholic and I don't feel she's safe with you. So here are the boundaries for your visitation. You cannot take her anywhere without me, and you cannot be in my house to visit her. You'll have to meet him somewhere else. Telling that will have to meet and that's the boundary, beloved. You want him to be a nice, normal father that's coming to take the kid to the circus and bring him back on time. No, that is not going to happen as long as his mind is disease. And you can even say that to him. As long as you are drinking, and I'm not clear that you can control your drinking. She cannot be alone with you. You've got a problem with that, then let's go to court, right, Okay, I can do that. I just gotta build my back phone up with him, because, like I said, I got a soft spot for him, and you don't have a soft spot for him. You've got a weak spot for yourself. There's a distinction having a soft spot for him is this. I'm making sure that I keep you and our daughter is safe because I understand that you're not well. So I'm not going to expect you to do all the things that are normal co parent would do. I'm not going to put those things on you. But these are the requirements that I am making of you. You cannot speak to me in a disrespectful, dishonorable way, and you cannot be alone with our daughter as long as you are drinking. See now, that's a strong spot for you, because if he can come into your life and run him up, he's not the problem. You are the problem. Hold your line, don't draw your line in the sand, and when he crosses the line, you step back and draw another line. And when he crosses that, that's when you've got to enact the consequence. Because that's exactly what I've been doing, backing up and drawing up. Well. Well, like I said, it's not about a soft spot for him. It's about a weak spot for yourself. And that, my beloved, is what you have to build up. Okay, thank you so much. You are so welcome. This is a topic that many of us have faced and are still suffering the impact of. It's a situation that many of us will face. So we also know that you must ask for what you want, being willing to compromise, but you must create and whold clear boundaries about how you want to move forward. I am Yamla and thank you for tuning in. If you have questions insights about this or any other relationship issue and you would like to explore it here on the our spot, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight and be sure to follow on social media for the call in times. In the meantime, stay in peace, not pieceless. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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