Our exes can only have as much power and access as we give them. Iyanla explains how the stories we tell ourselves contribute to that dynamic. In the second installment of our Relationship with Our Exes series, Iyanla guides a caller through reclaiming her power after a tumultuous relationship.
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I am I Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the R Spot, a production of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Greetings, and welcome back to the our spot. I am Iyamla, your host, your guide, your support mechanism as we discuss relationships and all things relationships here on the R Spot. And we've got a juicy, jaw smacking topic that we are talking about today, and it's how your ex or how you move out of a relationship, how you be out of a relationship, how you get out of a relationship. You know, I recently looked at a book called Necessary Endings, and sometimes it's really necessary for us to end a relationship, but we simply don't know how to do that. I mean, who moves who moves out? And when do they move out? And if the relationship ends and you're not ready to move out? Then what do you do? Necessary endings, Yes, they're required, but there also has to be a process to the ending, and that's what we're going to talk about today. How you be in a relationship with someone that you're no longer in relationship with, and then how the hell do you get out of dodge. Let me see what today's caller has to say. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the R Spot. We are talking about your relationship with your ex today. So how is your relationship with your ex?
Oh? It is very confusing, but I am so happy to hear your voice and to speak with you.
Thank you so much, Thank you, thank you.
So what's going on with you and the ex? Is it an ex?
Yeah?
Okay, how long has he been an ex?
It has been about four months? Oh okay, yes, but it's you know, daily constant repetitive comp communication because there were unresolved issues as far as bills that replaced it my name and not paid and created a severe hardship for me, and situation that he's constantly contacting me stating that he's trying to resolve and repair, but he wants me to come back in order for him to do it or for me to believe him. And I just you know, I'm just tired of that. I experienced that a lot in Michigan. Detroit, Michigan is where I'm from, and there is some you know, misunderstandings and language and actions that you know, I try to minimize and distance myself from. But when you're in a hardship, it comes repetitive and just you know, constant.
Well, none of that makes any sense to me. I hope it makes sense to you. No idea you talk about repetitive, I don't know what we're talking about. So let me let me can I ask you a few questions?
No problem thinking?
Okay, is the relationship over?
Oh my god, Well, I feel it is over because so much time has passed, you know, and it's yeah, that's not a lot of time. Well, in a state of crisis. You know, I'm experiencing a severe crisis with housing as of right now. And I was placed further in crisis with housing removing myself from the dwelling that we shared in which I have bills from that household, and I am battling a work related injury that has any segment and he knows of this, but I feel it's more like power and control that he's trying to have over me, which which makes me feel like that's wrong to re enter, you know, regardless of my state of desperation or housing crisis. I just I know and feel better that you know. I'm a self sufficient woman and I'm used to maintaining my lifestyle. But since it's injury, you know, it placed me and then furious crisis where I can't jump back into my normoucy the way that I used to, and I think he's playing all my heart strength with this.
Okay? Is the relationship over? I'm asking that question again. Is your relationship with Batman over? Is it over? I don't care how you got there? Is it over in your mind? In your heart? Is the relationship done?
In my mind and in my heart, I do believe it is over because I don't trust.
I don't enough. Period. It is over. Period because once you start telling yourself that story, then you're going to start spinning. Yeah, the relationship is over. There's not enough money, not enough. What's your favorite food?
Oh?
My favorite turkey, bacon, scrambled eggs and grit. Okay, that is my favorite meal.
There's not enough turkey, bacon, scrambled eggs and grits on the planet to make me go back into that relationship. It's just not I'm done. Have you said that I'm done?
You know I've said that before. But that's the only person that I was intimate with, So that makes me.
You know what, learn how to masturbate, be intimate with yourself. How about that? I'm hearing you speak, and this is what you do. You you step into a decision and then you spin yourself out of it by saying why and how and mood? You know what, he created some bills without your name. Done. I'll figure out me and God will figure out how to get this paid. Is not enough grits, eggs and turkey bacon to send me back in there. I don't have no conversation for you. You got my money, you got my money. You don't have my money.
Buy Yes, I love you so much.
See because I.
Said it, feel it.
You said it. This is a power over power under relationship. Yeah, And if you look back at the relationship, you will see how it was power over. Either he had the power over you, or he used what he had to have power over you, or you had the power over him, and he used it, and you'll played this game back and forth. Power over power under. Now he's got power over you. Because you're worried about your credit rating or your job or whatever.
What.
Listen, you can as long as you live, you're gonna owe somebody some money. I don't care who it is. You're gonna owe a light bill, a gas bill of or to build a card note. You're gonna owe somebody some money. So don't be freaked out because there's bills that you owe. And if there's nothing you can do legally to prove that you did not create these bills, then you're gonna have to pay them. Yeah, okay, I have to pay them. If it's fifty cents a week, you know, twenty dollars a month, call the people, make arrangements like a woman with her big girl panties on. Listen. These things were created by my partner. I didn't know about them. They're in my name. I'm willing to pay you, but this is what I can pay. Do you want it?
No?
Okay, assue me. That's it.
Yeah yeah, oh that's so true.
If you keep using the power under, if you try to negotiate from the power under position, You're never gonna get ahead. You gotta make him your ex and deal with him like he's not in your line life. Why are you talking to him? Why are you talking to him? Oh, this man who violated your trust, why are you talking to him.
I've done drastic things, like I've called blocked his number. He's you know, changed his number and caused me from different text up numbers and things, and then he'll message me on social media things to unblock his number. So you know, it's it's a repetitantion number.
Change your eye number.
And I've done that also. I've done that also. So I just feel like I keep doing the same thing. But I have the power to end it and stop it, and I'm going to use that power. And I appreciate you for reminding me of that power, because you know, in the situation, in the circumstance, I feel weakened, needing help and assistance and support, but I never receive it. So I get it now. I'm awakened. I am awakened to the fact that I am the only one that can stop this repetitant and create more distance.
You can complete it. You see, when you shift. He'll shift because you know the ace in the hole, you know, the big club in your back pocket is you can get a restraint in order and he won't be able to contact you physically, electronically, no kind of way. Less he want to sitiz behind in jail. But if you're not finished with him, then if you're not finished with him, then there's no way that you will take the necessary steps to take care of yourself. You got a housing crisis. Did he own houses? Can he help you in the housing crisis?
Yeah?
He can.
Well, he says that he would purchase to relocate us if we are together.
I don't care what he says. He's a liar, he's a liar. He's a liar. He's a liar.
Yeah, yeah, I mean happened. And it's like, I'm weakened by the fact that my birthday is in less than two weeks, so I'm over anxious about resolving things, and then you know my upcoming birthday, so it's just a bunch of emotional conflicts.
What does your birthday have to do with it? What does your birthday have to do with the fact that somebody violated you, that someone took your name and misappropriated it. With all the work that you've done in your life, what does your birthday have to do with that? Help me? I'm missing something.
I'm missing Well, the only male figure that I really look up to is my grandfather and we share the same birthday. He just passed away last month, so I am still in my feelings you know, about his passing, and was trying to celebrate my birthday with him before the passing. But you know, the crisis that I'm in, it's just making me think about how much I don't have, how much I lost, and how much you know. I am trying to quickly get back into my comfort feed of things, but he's contacting me saying, I will you know, I know all of this, I know everything, and I can fix it. I will help it, and you know, it makes me think that there is a way. But I see that what has what happened, what I experience, there's no repair to that. I have to take that lesson and experience and move past that and not be retriggered or reminded or put in the same circumstance again. So I have to make sure that I eliminated. That's the only thing I can do. He's calling me at this moment.
Oh, put him on the phone, belove it. What is your prayer?
My prayer is for peace, safety, and comfort on a consistent basis.
M Comfort. Now, you may want to expand that a little bit because you're comfortable where you are right now. You're comfortable with the drama and the crisis of trying to negotiate with this power over power under relay reationship, trying to prove that you're right about how wrong he is. You're comfortable in that, well you are, That's why you're still doing it.
Well. I mentioned that that prayer as you know, my release or escape to get into the things that I am really interested in. I have three companies, but because of this housing crisis, I feel as if I'm unable to you know, launch or really prepare my businesses for launch with having all my things all over the place. So when I saw your post about the bags in the suitcases and I'm like, oh, that is me, You're calling out to me, I'm like, oh, my goodness, that's exactly how I felt when I seen it. I said, you know what, I have to organize. I have to give back.
We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off. Part of your challenges. You have too many stories running in your mind. That's part of it. Your birthday, your grandfather died, your crisis the birthday. But could you focus on one thing at a time. What is your priority right now?
Peaceful comfortable housing? That is my priority, my goal.
Okay, what is it with you and the comfort? What's your comfort? What's this thing with the comfort? I don't understand because I'm telling you you are comfortable where you are right now, peaceful, safe, affordable. Forget the comfort because I think your comfort is drama. But I could be wrong. Well, So if your priority is is adequate, peaceful, affordable housing, make that your prayer period, that's where you focus.
I will do that. I will.
That's your prayer. And he's not the answer to your prayer. He really isn't, because if he was, it wouldn't have taken you four months to get the answer.
Yeah. Oh my, oh you know.
What he wants something in return.
That's why you are my other money. You are. I appreciate you so much.
Yeah, your prayer is you know whoever you pray to, precious Lord, Divine Mother, blessed Father, Holy Spirit, Guardian angels, ancestors, whoever that's your grandfather, to help you get a prayer, get an adequate, affordable, safe, peaceful house. Yeah he's an ancestor now, Yeah he can help you. Yeah you are, but boo boo to fool length will help you. Otherwise he would have done it by Now.
You are so right and so true.
And I don't I don't say that to be disrespectful to him. I don't know him. He's probably a lovely person, but he's playing the fool in your life. And I'm talking to you.
So, yeah, you're absolutely correct.
See hear this. As long as you have an outstanding bill in your mind with his name on it, the door he comes through into your life will remain open. You're still in a relationship with him because that door is still open because you want him to pay the bill that he created.
Yeah, well not anymore.
And as long as you hold him responsible for any aspect of your life at all, that door's going to stay open, and he won't be an.
Ex But wouldn't that be a little extreme of me to you know, apply or to obtain a ppo or restraining order or anything like that. Is that extreme or is that just sealing the nail on the coffin like it's completely filled and done. I just don't want to entice anything.
Well, answer that question, I don't.
Want any flack or any like retaliation you.
Know from who? Well, who's who's going to retaliate? Well, are you afraid of him?
Well? I just feel as if if I apply, and whether I obtain it or not, he will get notified and then he'll be upset that I applied. I know I'm caring too much about his feelings.
And what does his upset have to do with you?
I don't know his what his reactions are. We were in a physical artercation.
So how long were you all together?
About a year?
About a year? And you don't know what his reactions are in that year?
Well, I know that there were simple miscommunications and he was more physical than verbal. So you know I don't want to repeat that ever.
Well, that's why you need a restrain in order. But you don't have to go that way. You are a woman. You are connected to the most powerful force on the earth. As a woman, you plant your feet on solid ground and say this fool gonna leave me alone, and this is how I'm going to create that. I'm not taking his calls, and if I pick up the phone and he's on it, I'm hanging up and I'm not going to respond to him on social media. I'm done. I am complete. And until you can say that, you're just going to be in and out of this thing because you got a lot of stories spinning around in your head. Yeah, you know, I have a saying that I say sometimes to people when they think they're going to bully me, or when I allow myself to be bullied, because see, I take responsibility for every single thing that's going on in my life. Nobody can treat me bad. I'm not paying close enough attention to see what they're doing, and I end up being treated badly. That's not on them, that's on me. You know, If a bird poops on your head one time, that's you know, that's just an accident. If a bird poops on your head two times, oh, you need to pay attention. By the time the bird poops on your head three times, you need to move or get a hat.
Okay, And that's perfect.
Take total responsibility for what's going on in your life. See the first time he put his hands on you, you should have left, but you didn't. Okay, no heat, no judgment. You weren't sure. Maybe he was having a moment the second time he did it. Oh wait a minute, hold up, I think I'm in a relationship with a physical abuser. So now that you ain't even in the same house, in the same relationship, why are you still concerned about him putting his hands on you?
Yeah? Why? Oh my.
My saying that I say to people sometimes is oh, you feel like a frog, leap, I got something for you. Go ahead, leap, you feel froggish, leap, I got something for you.
Oh I love it so much. Thank you.
And if you're not willing to take that kind of stand for yourself, if you're not willing to pray your need in the moment without any concern or consideration, if you're not willing to write that debt off because you stayed in a relationship with a man who put his hands on you. If he would put his hands on you, you should have known he didn't respect you enough to honor your name. Yeah, that he would create bills in your name. Okay, Oops, I wasn't paying attention. Let me move on. I got it.
Yeah, I'm waking now.
They focus on your prayer. You better wake up. Throw some cold water in your own face until you do that. He's not your ex He's an anchor, holding you in the same place. Oh, he's got you just where he wants you.
Oh no, I don't want that.
Well that's what you got.
Well I definitely has to do something about that. Yeah, that ends today.
We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. He's holding you in the same place.
That is over. It is completely over. You know. I just I really needed to hear your voice.
Here's your mantra. You know what a mantra is. It's a word that you say over and over and over. Yeah, yeah, you know what yours is? What's your you want to know or do you have one?
I want to know.
Done period, not comma, not done if done, when done, because done period, done done with you?
Okay, that will be totally no. But I have to stand firm in that to do that, because sometimes I feel as if people need a second chance or you know, a redemption or anything like that. So I strengthening myself to just know that not always appropriate. I am understanding this now.
How many times did he put his hands on you?
To many accounts, Okay, he.
Got his second chance, third, fourth, fifth, six. And while it may not be physical right now, he's still abusing you, and you're participating. You are a voluntary participant in your own suffering. How about that?
Oh sounds embarrassing.
I lived for nine years in an abusive marriage. You know when it stopped? When when I left, he was gonna have to beat his own self because I wasn't there.
It just stopped completely.
I left. Who was he gonna beat He wasn't gonna beat me. I wasn't there, me and my three babies and three bags of clothes. I left the coffee pot, the washing machine, the vacuum cleaner. I left my sheets, my towels, and my pots. I left most of my drawers, my bras, my earrings. I have my three babies and three bags of clothes, and I left. That's when he stopped beating me. Oh my, I was willing to sleep in the park with the squirrels rather than go back to that. That's where you got to get to. Yeah, yeah, if you want to X he's not your acts. You're still in relationship with it, well.
Not anymore, not anymore. It's been over four.
Months, so ill that's what you say.
I'm done. Oh yay, I am done.
Period. Put a period there now.
Period not a comment is true. That is true and correct. I am done, Carrie. I feel so good to say out loud and feeling it, knowing that he's called me, and I don't have the anxiety to return the call or anything like that. So yeah, I am done, and I feel good about it. I don't have a million text messages popping up on my phone. I am done, period.
Can't you block those?
Yeah? Yeah, but I filled up all of my phone storage space, so now my phone is saying it's running out of storage.
That's why you can't block him, because you're running out of storage.
Yeah. I mean, I've blocked so many numbers. I can go back and delete those previous block numbers, but then you'll have access to contact me from those block numbers. Like it's it's really crazy. It's ridiculous.
You know.
I am almost to the point where I will change my number, but I've connected this number to so many different accounts so that I won't get locked out of my account some things, and I have to go over that process again and it's exhausting. But you know, I feel as if i'm pretty much.
See what you just did. I want to point out to you what you just did. You made a decision and then you talked yourself out of it. I just listened to you do I could change my number, but then i'd have to bl and you just talked to yourself right out of the decision. Oh my, put your big girl panties one, put on a nice pair of sexy high heels, plant your feet firmly on the earth, and declare to the universe, to God, to source creator, the angels, declare what you're about to do.
Okay, okay, because.
Until you declare it and own it, you won't embody it. And you could be doing this for another two years or three.
Yeah. Yeah, I have to pick it out of that mindset. I don't know why I keep doing that.
Ugh.
Okay. I am going to get firm and direct about my decisions from here on out. But I am done with that situation.
All right. Well, then let's see how you live that out. That means you don't take not one call. That means you don't respond to not one text. You don't even have to read the text.
Yeah, you are absolutely correct.
You don't have to do any of that.
You are absolutely correct.
Power over power under I'm done, I'm done, And you don't owe him an explanation, and you don't have to give him a story. You don't have to do any of that. And if he comes threatening you, nine one one, this is your full one one call. Now you have the information. Yeah, and if it gets ugly, nine to one one is the next.
Yes. Yes, you are so correct. Thank you so much. I don't know why I overthink.
I don't know either, but it's not working well for you.
Right.
Let me just say this to you, beloved, when it's all said and done, when it's all said and done, he's just another human being. And as a human being, you and he are equal.
Yeah.
He has no more power than you, he has no more brain than you, and he has no more God than you. You and God can handle us. Yeah, you and God and your grandpa.
Yes, yes, that is so true. But you know, I want to know about this one situation about I heard something someone speak on you know, ancestors, elders, ashes and things of that nature, as if you have to let go of that, and so they were staying in a way that that could be demonic to pray to an ancestor or an elder or to you know, have and to have an earn of ashes of a relative. Is that true?
Well? Is it true for you?
I don't feel it's true.
Okay, So then what you care. There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. There are people saying that January sixth was a peaceful protest.
That ain't true for me, right, I wouldn't agree to that either.
If it's true for you, it's true, and if it's not, it's not.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, hey, I go connected to my grandmother and my grandfather in which I do have an earn if their ashes still and I do talk to that earn.
I tell you what, you don't have block they number out your phone. You worrying about them being demontic, You better look at the humans.
So true, I do appreciate this conversation. I mean, I feel so lighter and just happier, where I'm able to smile and laugh, and that's something that I wasn't able to do before. But I do appreciate this so much.
Stay focused on your prayer, Okay, beloved.
We'll do definitely okay, and let.
Me know how you make out going forward.
All right, Yes I will.
I've been trying to reach you for so long, but I'm.
So grateful that today is today. Today is today. I'm so happy. I wish you all the best.
Thank you, my loving I wish you the best, Thank you, bye bye. Oh my goodness. The stories we tell ourselves. And if you are a least bit curious about why your ex isn't your ex, or why your relationship is the way it is with your ex, I want you to just think about what you're learning about yourself. What are you thinking, what are you feeling, What are you holding or harboring that keeps you connected to or disconnected from your ex. In the end, your ex is just another human being, subject to insanity at any moment, and capable of the most magnificent, elegant, graceful love you could ever imagine. You have to look at your experience. You must be open and willing to look at your self rather than focusing on what your ex is doing or what your ex is saying, look at the relationship the way it is now, even as an ex, and describe it, and then, however you describe it, break those words down and look for what is the benefit that I'm getting as a result of this characterization and what is the suffering that I'm participating in as a result of this characterization. I don't care what it is your ex, whether it's your husband, your children's father, parent, or lover, whatever, you are the common denominator.
Your ex.
Make sure your ex is an ex, is not a y? Why this? Why that? Why didn't? Why couldn't Why why make your X an X? Let it go? Autopsy the relationship when it's over. You know what did you learn? What did you see? What did you realize? What was the breakdown? How did you respond to the breakdown? But most of all, beloveds, get clear about what it is that you are requesting, requiring, demanding now from yourself and from your ex. And if it's not for your highest and greatest good, if it's not for peace, if it's not for joy, if it's not for love, then let it go. You simply have to let it go. Done complete, I'm making a new choice. Get current and make sure you're not whole. Onto your ex because they filled a need that you no longer have. That need is gone. What do you need want? Choose desire today, get clear about that, stay present in that, and don't be afraid to let your ex go all the way all the way for a time. It may be six months, nine months, maybe a year, two years, three years, Well you just have no contact, even if there are children involved. Support money can come through the mail or the court. But if you keep losing your footing trying to navigate your relationship with your ex, and may be good to come to completion by simply saying done, I'm done. If you're having a hard time, check in with yourself or topsy yourself and the relationship to make sure that you are complete. And if you're not complete, If you're not complete, if you still got that dish in the sink and the pots are still on the stove, ask yourself, what reward or benefit am I getting by holding on to this? Because we don't do anything anything unless there's a benefit, even if we're not clear about what that is. Ooh, our relationship with our ex, it's really your relationship with yourself and what you believe you deserve and who you believe you are well. That's it for the R Spot today. I surely hope you heard something that you can use embody and act devate in your life today to make your relationships better. I want to see you next time, and in the meantime, stay in peace and not in pieces.
Bye.
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