Big Girl Panties

Published Jan 11, 2023, 11:00 AM

When two women share their on-the-rocks marriage problems, Iyanla tells them it’s time to admit what they already know. The first caller’s husband is blaming ADHD as a reason for a lack of intimacy, while the second woman’s husband sometimes ignores her for days at a time in their own home. Both women learn to pull up their big girl panties and confront the situations head on.
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Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins

Producer & Editor: Vince Dajani

Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight

I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher for sam in a soft place to fall for others. And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself enough to be able to share my love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. When you are in a relationship and you're acting like you don't know what you do, know, that is going to be a problem. When you know what you want to do, when you know what time it is, but you want to sit around acting like there's something you don't know, it is going to bite you. Yeah, up, it's gonna bite you. And we do that because so very often it's hard for us, particularly women, to say I made a mistake. Well, I've got some good news for you. Not only can you say it, but when you say it, there is life on the other side. Both of my callers today are going to show us just that that there's life on the other side of acknowledging you made a mistake. Take a listen. Greetings beloved, welcome to the arts, but thank you for calling in today. Now, what is your relationship issue? Challenge dilemma that we can chew on for a little while, Thank you, ma'am. Apparently I'm struggling with lack of intimacy in my relationship. The issue also is that you know, my husband and I, we we met in the military and the Air Force. Then we I think we've got married twenty seven it's almost going to be nine years. And the issue is I I didn't know I had unresolved a d h D. And it was him who realized it because we had such a fault in our relationship because he wasn't able to communicate with me that once he found out what I had, he thought I was like a disability, because you know, most of the time you'll say, well, you know, it's like you have cancer, and I can't leave someone with cancer. That's how he compares it. And so I did the work, you know, I I watched your show before I had money for therapy. I went to therapy that e M b R. I. I did everything that he told me that I needed to fix in order for him to feel vulnerable enough to open himself. He wanted me to work on myself. And so last year was I pretty much told myself this isn't going anywhere, and we we looked at divorce and then I think one he saw that I actually put in the effort to make it happen. He he convinced me not to do it and to continue working on our relationship. And every time I bring it up, Peele tell me something that isn't right with me the sentences. Until you resolve this, I can't give you this, which is intimacy. You know. He's not a hugger, he's not very touchy feely, but that is my love language, you know. And recently I said, Okay, done the work. I'm here, I'm your partner. But what is it now? And he said, well, you have to be consistent. Consistency is not your thing. And once we get there, then I can actually trust that I can open myself up to And I feel almost as this this is going in a circle and I'm not scared to leave him. I'm just scared to miss out on a great man. He's helped me, He's been there for me. I've gotten to a point where I love myself so much that I don't respect myself with dealing with this, and I feel like I need help, maybe communicating to him this without making him feel defensive or redirecting me, if that makes sense. Mm hmm, thank you for sharing. Now, So I have a very pointed and specific question. I heard you say there's a lack of intimacy in your relationship. What does that mean? Yes, ma'am, that means no touching, no hugging, no not even holding hands when we watch TV together, we just sit in the couch. That's a big one. Is there sex? I would initiate it, but not out at ten times he would say no. So when he introduces sex, I would welcome it because I've I would almost be through where the young people say thirsty for it, hung and it doesn't. I want to say, three weeks now, I haven't even tried. I'm almost like shut down because I don't. I don't even want that, and he hasn't either. On its freak me. Both been pretty hands off, and I feel like we're going even worse I don't know worse path Like when I would ask him, why don't you leave me? Why don't you find someone who's consistent or you know, no mental health issues, He's like, well, because you have a disability. The only reason why, he says, he's with me is because I constantly work every day to become a better person. Okay, so what degree does he have that gets him to determine that you're disabled? He has a psychology degree. Oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah. Okay, I want to bring back to your awareness something that you said and let us chew on it for just a little bit. Okay. He wanted me to work on myself so he would feel vulnerable. Did I hear you say that? Yes, So he wanted me to focus on, you know, my office of trauma, which I did. I'm there, become more aware, and then focus on being consistent in order for him to feel comfortable, I guess, to trust me and to feel vulnerable too, like a hair down. Mhm. Now, you may have trauma and a d h D, but you did serve in the military, so I'm willing to be wrong. But there is a part of me that senses, you know, that is absolutely crazy that you gonna work on yourself so he can have an experience within himself. Is that what you're saying to me? That's what I'm hearing from you. But I think I've convinced myself. I've convinced myself that it made sense because I did have a lot of those issues. You know, I don't care if you had green bookers hanging out your nose. Blowing your nose was not gonna make him feel no different. So let me ask you this, my beloved, what are you acting like you don't know? Start here? I'm acting like I don't know that things are not going to change, okay, and that makes me feel That makes me feel sad. Yeah? What else? What else are you acting like you don't know? I'm acting like I don't know. It was never about me. Yeah, take ober, and that makes me feel one. Okay, thank you for telling the truth, because the truth will set you free. Mm hmm? What else are you acting like you don't know? I don't need him. You may want him, but you don't need him, right. Yeah? You know? I want chocolate covered almonds all the time. I love chocolate covered milk chocolate. I don't like DC chocolate. But I know if I continue to buy that big old jar that they sell in the home goods that you can get for five nine it's got about a thousand chocolate almonds in there, that me and my butt are not gonna be good friends. I have to work with myself because I want them, but I know I don't need them. What else are you're acting like you don't know my love? I know I can leave. My actions have been. I go in the room knowing I want to fire him, and then in some kind of way I leave, like renewing his contract. That's a good analogy, and that's because you're looking at what he brings to you and not what you bring to him. Clearly, you bring faith and trust. Clearly you bring courage to the table, and what he brings to the table is what's wrong with you. He has as money problems as you do. Would that be accurate? Yes, Noah, Otherwise you wouldn't have attracted each other. Right. The woman who he married is not who you are today, and he's not honoring who you are today. I think that's why I feel I think sometimes when I know I'm living the day to day that I don't feel good about. Yeah, but I must confess I almost hate myself for feeling weak when he speaks almost as what he says is gold. That makes sense. Yeah, Oh wait a minute, I've been there. I've been on that step. Yeah, I had a little condo on the step of his opinion is more important than mine. I've been on that step. Yeah, And what I'm hearing in your sharing is that you are focusing on leaving him rather than standing up for you. So, as opposed to how can I leave him? I would offer you to consider how can I stand up? But all this work I've done and who I am now? Yeah, I agree. I hear it in my chest because I worked so hard to stand up to family members other people who have made me feel inferior, and it seems like I can't do that with him, almost as if I feel owed to him, you know, because you're looking at what he has brought to the table rather than the fact that your life is your table and only you get to say who sits there. Mm hmm. I want to challenge you a bit on something I just heard. You say that you've done the work to stand up to family members who've done things to you. Is that right? Yes? So I always have this little piece of paper that I scribble on when people are talking. Would I be accurate if I were to say that somewhere in there you have a damaged goods story that you're damaged goods? Yes, ma'am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so this guy continues to point out the ways in which you're damaged, how your damage and how your damage is impacting him. And because you believe that story. How old is that story? Is she five? Is she seven? And she twelve? How old is the damage? Good girl? Oh? As long as I'm married, before the marriage through the family, how old is she? Somewhere around seven? Nine? Oh? Yeah? Nine? Yeah? A parent? The parent? Okay, see, so I'm I'm I'm onto something here. So what do we do now? We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to the artspan. Let's get back to the conversation. I want to talk to the little girl who thinks she's damaged. Good. Okay, Hi, sweetie, aren't you precious? I know nobody has probably told you that for but you are precious. And not only are you precious, you are strong and you are brave and I have to say, quite beautiful. And I know things have been rough for you and hard for you, but I want you to know that I know who you're gonna be, and you're gonna do a lot of work for yourself and on yourself to heal up all of this stuff. So I want to give you permission to be powerful and strong. Sure, you've had some damaging things happened to you, and it's not your fault, but it's your responsibility to step into your power and your strength and your courage. I know a lady who's gonna help you do it, So you just rest a while and let her take over, because she's got some things that she has to do right now to keep you all safe. And one of those things may be moving or changing where you live and who you live with. But don't worry. You're all going to be able to do this together. But you gotta let her leave. Pick a breath with me. I want that nine year old to let you leave because when he starts telling you how damaged you are and what else you need to work on, she takes dominion. Does that make sense to you, Yes, you know what to do. I'm never gonna advocate to somebody you've got to leave your marriage. I will always advocate specifically to women that you have to stand for yourself and you have to honor yourself if you expect anybody else to do it. Okay, now, wouldn't you like to one day just go to victorious Secret and buy you a hot little red nighty and some little red furry pumps and come home and have somebody rock your world. Wouldn't you like that very much? Ma'am ya, don't deny yourself the privilege you deserve it. What if universe of life and all of its wisdom brought you this man as your teacher to help you see and recognize and understand the things you needed to work on. What if that was his only purpose? You're gonna stay in this class forever. I think I wanted to, right crazy, No, you didn't know. Now you have new information. You have information that this was never about you. You have the information that he's trying to make you responsible for his internal turmoil. And because he has a psychology degree, so what Yeah, But I want to say this to you also because I hear the hesitancy and questioning. Create your exit strategy. You were in the military, and if you were going into battle or you were going into an unfriendly territory, you had to have a strategy. So create your exit strategy in your mind and work with it, and work with it, and work with it until you're ready to execute that strategy and extract yourself from the enemy territory, and the enemy territory is not him. The enemy territory is any place that doesn't honor your power, your strength, your courage, your faith and trust that you put in yourself. Create an next strategy and create the vision to have somebody who would appreciate your red hot titty from Victoria's secret in your furry red pulps. That's gonna be your next duty assignment to find that person. Yeah, be gentle, be easy, take your time. You're not rushing, you're not running. You ain't had no nookie in three weeks. You can go another three or four or six or nine or whatever it takes. Makes sense, right, Yeah, because I think in the past I would have just gone to him, like after a therapy session, I'd go to him. I'm like, why don't you do this? Why don't you do this? And I think it would end up in that cycle. If you're saying, come to him when I'm ready, Yeah, you gotta be ready. So let me give you a battle cry. Here it is. I'm done. I'm done. God, I'm done. I'm done. No explanation, no story, that's it. I'm done. This is what I'm doing. I don't know what you're doing. Give me one good. I'm done, I'm done. Oh hey, that's what I'm talking about. I want you to put that on and wear it until it fits like a glove. Okay, yes, man, alright, for love it, let me hear from you. Okay, well, okay, fine, hear me loud and clear. There is never anything you can do to make someone else feel better about themselves. Let me say that again. There is never anything you can do to make anyone feel better about themselves. And if they are requesting, requiring, demanding that you change so they can feel better, baby, they are playing you just like a fiddle. Note to file. Okay, there is never anything you can do to make anyone else feel better about themselves. I've got another caller, same problem, different angle. Somebody here is acting like they don't know what they do know. Take a listen, Hi, gayl, Welcome to the our spot And what is the challenge issue dilemma that you are facing today that we can nibble on together. First, I want to say thank you so much for taking my call. My dilemma is that I've been in a relationship with my husband for eleven years. We've been married for four years, and we essentially grew up together. We met in our twenties and here we are eleven years later, and I feel like I'm growing, I'm continuing to grow, and he's still stagnant and hasn't improved his his ability to be more emotionally intelligent and be present with me and the relationship so that we can grow together. And it's been one sided for so long. I'm at a place now where I feel like it's probably time for me to file for divorce. I'm scared to do that. I'm terrified to do that, but I feel like in order for me to be happy and for me to continue to grow, this may be something that I have to do. M hmm. Okay, do you have children? Do you all have children together? We don't have any children. We have two dogs who I prefer to all my children. But no, no, no children at all. Okay, it is one sided. Tell me more about that. What does that mean? I heard you say he hasn't improved and it's been one sided. So let's deal with the one sided first. Okay. When I say one sided, whenever we have a disagreement, he will completely shut down. He won't talk to me. If I try to talk to him, he'll give me the silent treatment. And I'm the one that has to reach out to him. In order for us to get any resolves. It has to be me that initiates the conversation or initiates the apology that I don't necessarily think I have to give. But it's always me that has to be the one to initiate that in order for us to at least attempt to get back to good terms. And it's been like that for so long that I I'm sick of knowing it. I don't want to take accountability for my wrongdoing if he's not going to do the same. Okay, let me ask you a question. Do you know his love language? He is a physical touch. That's his love language, okay, And what is yours? My love language is acts of kindness? Okay? And do you get that from him? No? For so many years, I've been the one that's been pouring into him and supporting him. Even in the household. I'm the one that does the cooking, the cleaning, I take care of our dogs, I take care of the household in general, and he just sits back and allows me to do that. But because my love language is different from his. He doesn't feel like I give him what he needs when it comes to physical touch. But because I work all day and come home and have to clock in and do another shift. By doing a lot of things around the house, I'm tired. We don't even have any kids, and I'm exhausted by the end of the day. So physical touch is a lasting on my mind. Mm hmmm. Can I ask you a question? Mhm, have you made room for him to step up? To be honest, I don't know if I know how to give him the room to step up because he's failed me so many times. What does that mean? He failed me so many times? What does that mean he's let me down? Like if he tells me he's going to do something and doesn't do it, I feel like that's a let down for me. And because he does that often, I haven't felt comfortable or even if I know how to allow him the space to step up? Can I offer some suggestions? Eat out, don't cook, that's a real simple one. Bring your dinner home in the bag, come home, feed the dogs, walk the dogs, whatever, that's it. Wash your clothes, don't wash his make up, your side of the bed, don't make up his leave the dust bunnies till they just have children and they're hopping all over the house. Oh my goodness, that's gonna be so hard for me because I hate Well, that's okay, that's okay. You're either gonna leave this marriage or you're gonna make it liberal. Yeah, stop cooking, stop shopping, stop doing laundry, stop it. Give him the space to step up. And if he asks you all you cooking said, oh no, you're not a I've been doing it all these years. It's time for you to do it. Tell him to watch beat Bobby Flay. You'll learn some tricks. Make the room for him to step up. You're complaining that he hasn't stepped up, but you're also complaining that you're doing everything. Where is he supposed to get in? Yeah, he don't want to talk to you. Don't talk to him. Don't talk to him. I have done that. I've made the decision to stop talking. And the thing is he can go days, weeks, maybe even a month without addressing the issue, without speaking to me. And it's like, if you can do that to your wife, I don't know what to expect from you. In the future. If you can do that to me now after nothing, don't expect anything. He don't want to talk to you. Three days in, pack your bags and go to the hotel. Yeah, I mean really, I want you to be careful about the spiritual arrogance of I've grown and he hasn't. Well, he didn't sign up to grow. That ain't what he signed up for. Yeah, you decided to grow, and your paths may be different. So don't be arrogant enough to think that because you've done it, he needs to do it. You can still love him and have a great relationship with him. And if he's barely lit and dimly glowing, if that's what you want to do, But don't measure his progress based on your progress, because that's not what's going to make the marriage. You've been together eleven years, so you were seven years in when you said I do So either you saw things and you thought you could change them, or you didn't see these things, and now they've come to your awareness and you get to choose. So what are you choosing? Are you choosing to just go or are you choosing to make the marriage work. I have a solution for you, and you are probably not going to like it. Are you ready? Okay, we'll do it right after this break. Welcome back. I am y'm lt. This is the our spot. You may be able to inspire him a couple of hungry days. Oh you want me to cook? I don't cook for people that don't speak to me. Sorry, you wash your own clothes. I can't wash clothes with somebody that would be violent enough to walk around in my house and don't speak to me. I can't wash your clothes. Yeah, I feed the dogs. Yeah? May I ask a question? Sure? Absolutely? How do I find the courage two leave? If I'm not wanting to make the marriage work, if I've met my endpoint and I'm at wits end coming from a family that was broken and my parents split up, and the fear of repeating that past. But you've it's broken, it's broken. What are you afraid of? You sitting in it? It's broken, It's already broken. It is. But I'm I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of admitting, admitting to myself that it didn't work. Stop right there, it didn't work, Say that it didn't work. It didn't work. My marriage didn't work. My marriage didn't work, Okay, trying this one. Oh damn, my marriage did not work. Say that one. Oh damn, my marriage did not work. Okay. What did your parents have to do with this? That don't have nothing to do with this? Stop that. Springing to the present moment, and what's in the present moment, beloved, what's right here in your face, in the present moment with you and the two dogs. You're gonna split the dogs up. You take when you take the other, and you're gonna do that. I have already come to the conclusion that I may not be able to take my dogs with me. I don't want them to be separated, because I don't want them to be sad, but I want happiness for myself. But let me just say this, because I've studied this. I've got two Pomeranians, peace and Freedom, and they love each other. They jump with their two girls, and they hump on each other. I don't know what they're doing. I don't know if they're having such sexual identity crisis. I don't know what the problem is. But one of the things that my vet told me is dogs don't feel emotion. You can beat a dog like people who abuse their dogs. And stuff like that. But if that owner showed up today with some food or treat, the dog will go right back to the same person. Dogs don't have emotions, so stop it with I don't want them to miss each other. They don't ain't gonna miss each other. You would miss seeing them together. But do you want the dogs? Do you want to take the two dogs? I would love to take them. You feel them, and you know what you can say to him. I'm afraid that you do to them what you did to me, Ignora. I'm not leaving them with you. Ah yeah, oops, it ain't working. Say that it ain't working. And if you're telling me that you are cooking and cleaning and taking care of a man who would be violent enough not to speak to you, a man who doesn't know how to honor your love language, then you've already failed. So get over it, right, get over it. And I say it lightly, but I also take it to heart. I understand where you are. Your position is, I don't want to do what my parents did, so don't do what your parents did. Do something else, call it something else. They failed that marriage. You're standing up for yourself. You're right, You're right. I want to be helpful and supportive and give you another perspective. Absolutely, and you have done that for sure, because you're acting like you don't know this is over for whatever reason. And the sad thing for me is when we are good, we're good. That's like grits. Yeah, when they're hot and the butter melts come on, you know it. You can't eat that they crushed up in the pot and the bud is. It's like grits. When it's good, it's good. When it ain't, it ain't. Yeah, I'm sick of trying to fix bad grit okay, because you know, if you add more water and start the storm, they're gonna get lumpy. It makes it worse. That's right. Take your dogs and get on about of there. If that's what you wanna do. Yeah, because what if? And here's the piece that we so often forget in relationships. Whatever you're feeling, he's feeling too. We think that we're in the relationship alone, that this is our experience. So you're saying it's one sided for you, he's probably saying it so one sided for him. He's not getting what he wants. You're saying, I'm not getting with what I want your partner feels it the same way. But perhaps he doesn't have the courage to leave. He may be afraid to leave because he don't know how to cook, and if you're gone, he's gonna have to cook for himself. We don't know why. But don't think for him, think for you. Yeah, stop saying you're scared. You're not scared. You're punk, But I punk some pumps and get on my body there. I don't want to be a punk anymore. Just I'm seeking happiness and I just want to be happy. I can't remember the last time that I've been explicitly happy. That's sad for me, and that's what I'm trying to get bad. I want to be happy with him. But if he can't do that, and like you said, it is violent enough to be able to be in the same residence with me and not speak to me, that's not where I can be happy. I would encourage you to do what is required. I mean, if you want to stay, Like I said, there are ways that you can push the envelope and force his hand. It's not good or bad, right or wrong? Is working and not working? Is this working for you? And if it's not. What do you plan to do about that? Yeah? So, if it's not working and you stay, no whining, no complaining, keep your mouth shut and suck it up. Yeah. And if it's not working and you choose to leave, create your exit strategy in your mind activated and get all your ducks in a row, your resources. Who's getting the house, who's getting the dog, who's getting the electric skillet? And then you know, get you some pumps, put them on the punk and get up out of there. Yeah, pumps and pen No, go with no pennies, Go with no pennies and be on the market for a random act of kindness. Okay, okay, I can do that. Yes, leave your marriage without your pennies. It's called leave your drawers behind. Thank you so much. Yes, does and remember my marriage didn't work. Oops, you'll get an endless supply do office and you will get a do over if you don't have no pen He's on. Tell me something you know now that you didn't know when you call? Just one good thing you know now that you didn't know when you call. Just because it doesn't work doesn't mean I'm a failure. It just didn't work, and I can't I can't compare what is going on with me currently to what happened with my parents in the past. We're not the same. It's not the same. Yeah, it's not the same. Good for you. Look at that. You didn't even have to call me. You could have did that by yourself. Thank you so much. All right, baby, bye bye. I want to state this because both of my callers today took me to a place that I always want to be mindful of. It's that relationships are so important in our lives. They are so very important. Relationships are our salvation, if you will. Relationships are the place that we go to heal. So I never want to advocate the end of a relationship. However, I will always be a staunch, vigilant, ruthless advocate for your relationship with yourself because your relationship with yourself is the template from which you will build all relationships. So while it may sound like I'm saying leave, leave, leave, I'm really saying go, go, go, go deeper into your relationship with yourself. And if that means sometimes we have to walk away, well then I'm all for it. Thank you for joining us for another episode of the Our spot As see you real soon. And in the meantime, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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