Being Honest With Yourself, Your Kids & Your Partner

Published Jun 28, 2023, 10:00 AM

Iyanla’s first caller this week is a woman who kept the identity of her child’s father a secret, and now ends up with a daughter who feels like she’s been lied to. Then, another caller with six children has recently forced her partner out of the house because of “poor communication.” But Iyanla gets her to admit that she still loves him, and maybe has made a few mistakes of her own.

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I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the fact that I was not always good at making my relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person. In other words, I have seen a lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I am here to share with you what I learned along the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to the r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. One of the most difficult challenges we're facing any relationship is learning to live, to stand in to speak the truth, because when we don't tell the truth, it sets up a filter of not just dishonesty, but betrayal. When someone loves and cares about you, they trust you with their heart, their feelings. There's an unspoken reliance on you and that what you are saying and doing comes from a place of truth and honesty. And when it is discovered that you have not spoken the truth, that you have not shared the truth, that you've out and out told a lie, that betrayal is a trust of the person's heart. This is particularly difficult and hard and challenging and a huge problem when that betrayal is from parent to child. That's the exact situation my first guest is facing today. Here's her story. Greetings, be loved, and welcome to the our spot. What is your relationship challenge issued dilemma that we can nibble on together today?

Hi, Emma, thank you so much. I just want to say first that I've been listening to your show and reading all your books, and your knowledge has helped me in so many ways.

What a blessing. Thank you so much.

Thank you. So. I'm currently on my healing journey and I've been doing so much inner work and I really want to handle things in the correct way. And I feel like before my journey, my relationships have been a mess. And the specific situation that I'm in conflict with the most is the relationship I have with my daughter's fathers. And they say father because she has one biological father and then the man who raised her from birth and who's also on her birth certificate.

I tell, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, you just okay, her biological father, yes, and then the man who's on her birth certificate, yes, break that down for me, please.

So when I got pregnant with her, I was in I guess a situationship with her biological father. Him and I we were on and off for about fifteen years since, like high school, and I told him that I was pregnant and his response was, well, let's just play it by ear. So I freaked out a little bit, and my best friend, who is now the one who was on her birth certificate, he was my best friend at the time, said he would step up and he would take care of her, and he would, you know, be there every step of the way. So that's how that kind of happened.

So are you and your best friend in relationship or was he just the man in her life?

He was the man in her life and we we broke up about about three years ago, so.

You were together with him as a partner, your best friend and it.

Ended up that way. Yes, After he said he would step up, I said, okay, let's let's do this. Let's you know, be parents. Let's you know. Now, one of the issues is we didn't tell her that that wasn't her real father.

Yes, that's a problem.

Yes, it is a big problem. And since we broke up, he's kind of uh, he stayed in her life for a little while, and then when he found out I was dating, he kind of ghosted her and.

Me, Oh boy, yes, I love this word situationship. I love that word.

Yeah.

So you got three situationships going on, the daughter and the natural father, the daughter and the surrogate father, and now you were in I guess another relationship which has sent the the surrogate father running for the hills. Yes, how old is your daughter?

He's eight?

She's eight? Whooh, you had a lot going on in eight years.

Yeah, yes, it's been a lot.

No.

I just I realize, you know, when you're in when you're in it and you're doing these things, it seems like you're making the right choices at the moment. And when I step back and looked at it, I just realized how messed up it is. And you know, I want to handle this in the right way, Like I don't. I feel bad to go through the courts. I really don't even know where to start. I don't want her to hold it against me, and I feel like she does, so I feel like it's a big mess.

Well, what she holds against you, beloved, is that you built her life on a lie. You built her life on the lie. So that's what you're battling. And also that's a violation of trust. And I guess that you did what you thought was appropriate at the time, but it's a violation of trust. And now you've got a double abandonment, her natural father's abandonment and now her surrogate father's abandonment. So at eight years old, this woman child has had two very important pillars in her life abandon her and the person that she probably trusts the most with her heart has lied to her. Do you get that?

Yes, yes, I absolutely get that.

I'm not saying this to beat you up, but you're not going to be able to unravel it unless you face the whole truth of what it is.

Yes, I have done so much reflecting on that. You're correct.

Have you done the forgiveness work of yourself? Not of these men I'm trying. Okay, well, that's going to be the first that because you've got to clear the deck. Yeah, so let's put that on whole for a minute. We'll put that in a note to file forgiveness of self. Okay, what is the situation with her natural father right now?

We were trying to work it out. I would say about two years ago. I you know, we talked about telling her the truth together, We talked about, you know, just trying to pick up the pieces and handle it the best way we can at the moment. And then he basically went ghosts like he just he changed his number. I can't get in contact with him.

Full abandonment, Yes, and I get it. Do you understand what that why that situation looks like that.

A little bit?

Well, you didn't hold him responsible initially, Yeah, whether you and he were in relationship at all. And this is a mistake that we often make when we in our relationship with the man. We failed to hold him responsible to be a father. So that door was closed. Yeah, So he went on with his life and we don't know what he's got going on in his life, what lies he told, what stories he didn't tell?

You know?

Has he told the people in his life that he has a daughter?

Right? Right?

You know? And if you were in and out of relationship with him for over fifteen years, do you know his family? Maybe his mother can be an advocate on your behalf. But my concern here is for the child.

Yes, that's my biggest concern as well.

Yeah, so she doesn't know. She doesn't know that the surrogate wasn't her real father.

She knows now. I told her last year.

And what was her response to that.

As well as she doesn't really understand Folly, Yeah, she just says that she has two dads, And of course I and I didn't even want to tell her, but when her the man who was there for her kind of went away, I just felt the need to tell her, like, hey, he he's not your real dad and I can't make him show up.

And what is his situation now? He just doesn't where what is he doing? What is his conversation about not being there for her?

Well, he actually won't return any of my calls or answer. I have a relationship still with his mother. She still talks to my daughter his daughter, and she's still in relationship. But he just he doesn't respond at all, or he doesn't really say anything.

So his relationship with you is incomplete. I'm assuming I could be very wrong. I'm not even assuming. I'm saying that you and him did not part on good terms. No, we didn't, Okay, So your relationship with him is bleeding into his relationship with his daughter, just as the natural father's relationship with you bled into the relationship with his daughter. So if neither of these men are responding, then what we have to do is look at you and the daughter. This is a lot for her at eight, So what I want to encourage you to do is drop all of that and focus on healing her up. I don't know if that means put her in therapy. I don't know if that means having constant conversations with her. Eight is eight is interesting, and.

I do I heard one of your episodes where you had a young lady and she was grown and she didn't know her biological father or her her father wasn't her biological father until she was a lot older, and I just never I never wanted it to be that, And I almost regret telling her because I don't know how to have those conversations. I don't of course, I don't want to avoid it. I don't want to act like it's not happening, and I want her to feel open to talk. But I'm not one hundred percent sure how to handle it with her either.

You know, I don't know her. What kind of a child is she? What is her?

Do you know? She's she's so happy you know, she's such a happy kid, but she's not very expressive with emotions, especially if she's feeling upset. She she doesn't love to talk about it. I do my best to pull it out of her, to try to get her to understand what she's feeling and why she's feeling it, but she does not love to talk about feelings.

So she's eight, So that's industry versus inferiority, meaning she's developing and growing into her capacity to do work, to be rewarded, to feel good about what she does. So affirmation is very important to her. Every little thing, great, job, you're doing great, you're doing good, and it's missing daddy. Thing probably will create some level of inferiority. So what do we do now, We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Either now or certainly by the time she's ten. I would really encourage you to get some outside support for her to really understand this. The big thing here, mommy, is the violation of trust. You've lied to her, so she's built her life on a false foundation. So the abandonment of the surrogate father is really where the break is. But then when she understands that she has a natural father who is choosing not to be in relationship with her, well, then we got a whole nother animal. But that we can probably postpone until she's thirteen fourteen, and you just have to tell her the story. In the meantime, you've got some work to do, just in terms of forgiveness, so that you can eliminate the guilt and the shame and the regret and the remorse and all of that stuff, so that when you're talking with her and helping her understand how women make decisions and why you made the decision, you're doing it from a neutral place within yourself. Because she will feel your guilt and she will feel your remorse. So you've got to do a lot of forgiveness work on you, and you can secure for her forgiveness subconsciously by doing a few things. Number One, I ask for and claim the forgiveness of my daughter blah blah blah, whatever her name is, for betraying her trust. I ask for and claim forgiveness of my daughter for being dishonest about her origins. I asked for And you've got to do that also, so I want to send you to forgiveness, okay, because you've got to be clear in this. She can't understand, baby, I was in a you know, a situationship with your father and he didn't want to be a parent, But forgiveness clear to that. So you got to do yourself forgiveness. You've got to ask for and claim biological dad's forgiveness, and the other the surrogate father, he was a gift of grace, you know, for him. How many men are going to step in and take care of somebody else's child and put the name on the versustiy So we can't even be mad at him. It's what he's doing is irresponsible, but that's the foundation of her birth. It was irresponsible of her father to say, let's play it by ear. We got a human being coming here, which ear you want to feed him? Her right can't eat ears. So Mama, this is your work. I would say, do your work, and unless she brings it up, make sure that you're clear when you talk about her. Do you know that the bio dad's family? Do you know his mother her?

I do. I don't have contact with her, but I do know her. We live in the same town. We don't live far from each other.

But do you know how to get in touch with her?

I probably could, yes.

You know, when you're clear within yourself, I would write her and ask her for her support and creating a relate, you know, just a contact between your daughter and her father and also your daughter and her patriarchal line. We don't know. Does does his mother know about her?

He told me she did, but I once again, I don't. I don't know. I she I have not talked to her about her granddaughter.

You know, for me, it's like God make the crooked places straight.

Do you think it's a good idea to contact her and get her in a relationship? I said, like I sit and just ignore that right not now?

This is this is a mess. And again I want you clear. I want you clear because you cannot go into this with any guilt, any shame, any remorse, any regret. You have to be able to stand in the choices that you've made without any of that, because she's going to need you. She's going to need you to be able to ask for her forgiveness when when that time comes. Right now, you're claiming it for yourself within yourself.

Like I want her to talk about it. I want I want to be support I want to, I want to I want to make sure it's not being suppressed.

Yeah, and speak to it in terms of general relationships, not her specific case. And what I mean by that is, you know, sometimes when people in the relationship they want to walk away totally from each other, and in that process, the children get left behind, their collateral damage. Let her know his walking away wasn't about her. It was about you and him, and she just is part of the collateral damage. Speak about it more in a general sense, Okay, And when you feel ready, right, or connect with natural dad's mom and see if you can enroll her as an ally an advocate on your behalf. Ye oh, well, mama, what a tangled web?

Yes it is.

You listen, so tell me something. Tell me something you know now that you didn't know when you.

Called that forgivenessus Keith, and that in order for me to be able to handle my things clearly, and that I wish for them to be handled not a mess.

It's for forgiveness, yeah, Yeah, forgiveness of yourself so that your energy can be clean when you're dealing with her. You got a little time because the truth is, you know, and I want to say this with its much love and support as possible, But the potential damage is already done. And the biggest damage was the dishonesty, because that's a violation of trust. So buckle up because twelve thirteen fourteen, she's coming for you. Yeah, she's coming for you. That's a hard time for girls and moms in general. Twelve thirteen, fourteen fifteen. That's a hard time because the little girl is becoming a woman, and you know, she could be in rivalry with you. And now we've got this here. That's why your forgiveness is so very very important.

Yes, thank you so much.

All right, my beloved, you take good care.

Okay, thank you too, Bye.

Bye, Okay. One of the things that we as adults must begin to be more mindful of, more sensitive to, more conscious of, is how our behavior with each other impacts and affects the children. So very often children become collateral damage in the dysfunction between adults, and if we do not tell the truth about what's going on between the adults, then the children usually end up living the lie. But the blessing of us being able to do the work, the blessing of us having to do the work is that it heals our heart, and when our art is healed, it sends out a completely different energy into the home, into the relationship, and into the world. So never tire, sister women, of the work that we have to do to hold it all together. Now, we don't have to sacrifice ourselves, and we don't have to run ourselves into the ground, but most of the work is done internally. Be willing because the rewards are great. My next caller is experiencing the similar issue, but for a very different reason. Greetings, beloved, and welcome to the R spot. Thank you for calling today. And what is your relationship challenge dilemma issue that we are going to nibble on together?

Hi, how are you?

I am so blessed? How are you?

I'm blessed, but I'm nervous. So my relationships, my relationship child, don't be nervous, okay, my relationship challenge.

Take a breath. Take a breath, Take a breath, Take a breath. Wait a minute, take a breath, because I can hear you getting ready to take off from the starting line.

I am, I really am.

Okay, Okay, listen, let me just tell you a secret. Don't tell anybody I said this. Okay, I don't bite unless it's Wednesday and the moon is full and it's an odd day.

Okay. So I'm in luck.

I'm in luck, that's right.

Okay.

So I'm twenty seven years old. I'm gonna stay at home mom of six. My relationship dilemma right now is me and my partner. We have the poorest communication. I personally don't think that my communication skills are the issue, but I know that they probably could be. But just to give you a little backstory, I am. I was a single mom. Prior to meeting him. I had two children already and I was pregnant with two more and the dad didn't want to be in their life. So when I met him, him know everything, like, I'm handling this by myself. If you want to be here, you can. If you don't, then you don't have to, And he was like, you know, I will. During the course of us being together, we found out that I may not be able to have children again because the twin pregnancy was so difficult. But three months after giving birth to my first set of twins, I got pregnant with another set of twins, which are his biological twins, so by the grace of God, it was a healthy pregnancy. They were born early. But so we have six children. He has taken four responsibilities for all the children that I had prior. So he went from having zero kids to six, and in that he had to kind of, like I want to say, grow up kind of fast. He's he's twenty nine, but everything that used to be his norm, like coming home from work playing the game, or taking long, long work trips because he works on the road, taking longer work trips, and not having to take into consideration in his family, all those things had to change because of what he took on. So now it's to a point where we're just at each other's next, like twenty four to seven. We try not to argue in front of the kids, but sometimes things happen, and so the past two three months we've been arguing a lot, and so recently I asked him. I was just like, you have to leave because I can't. I can't keep my sanity and be a good mom and show up for my kids in a way that I need to with us arguing like this, I literally stand in front of this man crying. I'm like I am hurting right now. He's like, get out front, get from in front of me crying. He's completely detached. I don't get any time, attention or affection. And he says that he does not trust me with his emotion and his feelings. And I believe it's because during my second twin pregnancy, we would get into arguments and I would say things like really really hurtful things. I have thrown things from his past in his faith, but I've apologized, taken full accountability for those things I have. You know, what can I do to fix it? I can't undo my words. I can't you know, unsafe the things that I've said.

To hurt you.

But it's just it's like he hasn't let anything go. And so when we get into an argument, everything that I've ever said that could have possibly hurt him, whether it was when we first started dating or just yesterday, he will bring it up.

Take a breath. How long? How old is this relationship or how long have you been together?

In?

About two months?

Early?

Two years?

Wow? A lot, that's a lot, real fast, right? Two years? Six kids? Okay, what do y'all argue about?

It's the smallest things. Literally, we got into an argument. Our most recent argument was I called him out to the car to tell him that I didn't want to know. I didn't want to be in a relationship any longer, but I didn't mind if he stayed in the home with us, because we just needed to work on ourselves separately. And so when he started talking, he basically kind of disregarded the whole I don't want to be in a relationship part, and he wanted to talk about, oh, yeah, sometimes I just want you to hold me, and this is what I've been going through. And then he went back to his childhood and how he was bullied and stuff, and I knew in the back of my mind that he's not even paying attention to the part that I said I didn't want to view with him. So when the conversation was over, I said, hey, you know, what is our conclusion, Like what is the conclusion that we're coming to here? And he was like, I don't know. So I said, okay, I'll give you some time and i'll ask you again later. So a couple of hours go past, we get the kids down for bed, and I was like, hey, so what's the conclusion And he was like, if you don't want to ask and be with me, then you don't have to be with me. He just starts snapping. I was like, yo, I'm just trying to understand because both of us had a conversation, we shared our emotions about it, we shared our feelings, so I just want to know where do we go from here? And he just was like irritatd and his parents. They have been really supportive of us throughout this whole journey. But his dad was like, oh, he was just hungry and like overwhelmed with the kids and stuff. And it's like, I understand that, but there's a way to say that versus just snapping off at me. And so everything is kind of like him just he's just really snappy.

Okay, do you I heard you say that you don't want to be in a relationship with him? Is that true? Or is it that you don't want to be in a relationship the way it is now?

That is what it is.

I don't want to be in a relationship the way it is now. Like with the communication that we're having now, the issues, like the small arguments when I say, hey, I want a burger, but I want a smash burger and then I'm like, well, it's Patty's in a fridge, and he's like, that's not how you make one that turns into an argument, like little stuff like that. I don't have the mental capacity to argue over stuff like that. I'm scheduling doctors.

Well, you must have it, because it takes two people to argue it.

Does it does?

All right? Let me leave that right there for a minute. Do you believe that this relationship can be healed? Do you believe that from my perspective?

Yes?

Okay? Do you love him?

I do?

Okay? What do you love about him?

I love how he is with the kids. I love how he laughs.

I love when he laughs.

He has like dimples that you just never see unless he's laughing really hard, and he has grace my.

Son with those dimples.

I love it. I love how he pays really close attention to detail.

How am I getting emotional?

Oh?

Because you love him and you don't have the skills and the tools to navigate the difficulties. So instead of developing the skills and the tools, you're rejecting him and abandoning him. And that's not really what you want. What you want is for the real relationship to be healed. You don't want to be out of the relationship. You want the relationship to be healed. Is that accurate, Desim, Okay, we'll talk more about it when we come back. Welcome back. I am y. I'm learning. This is the ur spot. You love that he's a great father. You love that he has dimples. You love that he is detail oriented. You love that the adjustments that he's willing to make. I didn't hear you say. I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he touches me. I love how it feels when we're together. I love the start of the other thing. You love what he does. Do you love who he is?

I love who he is, but I don't love who he is most recently, I haven't said those things because he doesn't touch me. He doesn't look at me.

No, he doesn't pay me me attention.

Actually, well why would he? If everything he says you'll arguing about right and if something has happened or occurred. Let me tell you something. I want to share something with you. You're twenty nine. I'm three times older than you, three times plus. So I want to speak to you as an elder wise woman. Okay, definitely not making you wrong. This is common among women, particularly young women in the world, because very often women in my generation failed to do their job, which was teach and educate and support the young women. We failed because we were busy. Okay, so please forgive us. One of the most dangerous weapons that a woman possesses is her mouth, because she doesn't understand that what comes out of her mouth goes not to the man's ears, but to his heart. What a man says out of his mouth goes into our mind. So when we hear a man speaking, we gotta think about what that means, and that will trigger how we feel. But when a woman speaks, a man's feeling is triggered and then he has to think about what she means. Do you understand what I'm saying to you. Yes, So you have cursed him with your mouth. You have triggered feelings in him with your speaking that he probably can't even navigate. I'm not making you wrong, beloved. I want you to understand the roots of this breakdown, and if you believe that the relationship can be healed, the good news is that the same thing that cause the breakdown is the same thing that can create the healing if that is what you choose. This is no punk here a man who takes on four children that are not his own. You've got a man of substance and value. But do you want to destroy that? Okay, so let's take a breath and let's put our woman medicine to work here.

I don't know what to do.

He won't even seek to me.

Now.

Is he still in the house, No, ma'am. How long has he been out of the house.

It's been about a week. But he I don't know if he would be at the house if he was not on the road. He does have his key, which I originally was just like, give me the key, but I packed him a back he works on the road. I packed him a bag for the road, and I took it to him. I put his key in there, and I said, you know, whenever you're ready to come home, like you have a space to come to. But he's been on the road for some time, for about four or five days.

So yeah, so let me ask you a question. Do you speak to him every day?

The kid speaks to him.

Okay.

When I try to talk, he doesn't really want to talk.

Okay, So there's no talking. Let's stop the talking. Let's stop the talking. Okay, no talking a loud What do you think he would say if you called him and said to him, when are you coming home? And is that something you're willing to do? You don't have to be willing. I'm not attached to it. I'm trying to get you to the point of healing. Is that something you're willing to do.

I'm definitely willing to do it.

Do you want him to come home?

I do you do one?

Okay? So when are you willing to call him and say boo boo? I don't know what his name is. I want you to come home and I want us to work on healing.

I'm willing to him and say that, yes, ma'am.

Yeah, because you want him to come home. And you have to stop running for the hills when things get hard. I want you to leave a house because I can't live like this. You've been living like this and it doesn't have to be like this. And you are the woman. You are the heart and center of the family, so you have to clean up your stuff in order to get that heart energy all through the family. Does that make sense? And it's not that he doesn't have his work to do. But I want you to understand who you are as a woman. You hold the energy. You put it in the grits, you put it in the eggs, you put it in the paint, you put it in the interior decoration. Your heart. You are the heart. And if your heart ain't right, it's just gonna filter out all over the place. And you're loving this man for what he does and what he does for you. You got to start loving him for who he is, his favorite color, his favorite cologne, What is he like in his bath? When was the last time you said to him, I so appreciate your attention to detail. When was the last time you said that?

I don't know.

I haven't said that in a while. I don't know if I've ever said that to him.

When was the last time you said to him, do you know how much I love your dimples? When was the last time you said that to him?

I doubt I've ever said that.

When was the last time you said, I so appreciate that you are a great dad and how you are always willing to make the adjustments to the things that I ask of you. When was the last time you said that.

I have said that the conversation where I was ending our relationship, I said that in the beginning. That's how I started it. I told him that I appreciate the type of dad he is and how he pays attention to the kids and stuff like that.

So what can we do to work on our communication so that this will be a happy place for all of us? And it's interesting, you see, men need acknowledgment. That means you have to acknowledge every little thing you do. You are a stay at home mom, So that tells me he's paying the rent and bringing home the check. Would that be accurate? Oh no, Oh, he don't pay the.

Bills and he pays his portion. I pay my portion, and I pay like some of the smaller bills. He pays some of the smaller bills.

Okay. So that's something that y'all can talk about that you don't have to argue about. But we'll talk about that later. Okay. So men love acknowledgment of everything. They need acknowledgment because one of the major complaints I hear from men is no matter what I do, it ain't right. No matter what I do, it's not enough. She always talks about what I don't do, but never talks about what I do. I can hear your guilts seeping through the telephone, really literally, I feel it. It's all over me. Men need acknowledgement. And that's not to say that they don't, you know, fall short sometime. But we need to acknowledge them. Why because our mouth is tied to their heart. A woman's mouth is tied to a man's heart. And when we don't acknowledge them, we curse them. When we complain, we cur it's like evil. You're casting a spell over them. Okay, men need acknowledgment. They need affirmation. I you know, I know you go out there and it's hard driving, and they need appreciation. But I really appreciate how you work for this family. Look at you taking out that trash. Thank you so much. Oh my gosh, you put the toilet seat down. I really appreciate that or whatever. And it sounds crazy that we have to do that as women, we have to do that, but it opens their heart. That's why we do it. It's our medicine and they may not do it to us because their medicine is in the thinking. Our medicine is in the speaking. Can you hear me, yes, ma'am, so, I really appreciate acknowledgement, affirmation. You can do it, baby, I know you can do it. Come on, let's put a plan together. We're gonna do this thing. I'm gonna support you. You gotta do this. He needs an acknowledgment of the things that he does. He needs affirmation of who he is, and he needs appreciation for what he gives. And this is something you have to learn to do because you haven't been trained to do it. And it's not taking anything from you. It's going to create a healing in your relationship. What is his vision for himself? What is his vision for his life? Does he want to be driving truck for the rest of his life? Does he have a vision?

Yeah?

What is your vision? These are the things that you all have to talk about so that you know how to support him and he knows how to support you. But let me tell you something. In twenty twenty three, I'm assuming I could be very wrong. Please forgive me if I'm wrong. You sound like a black woman to me. I could be wrong. Yes, ma'am, you are black woman, stay at home mom with a man.

What in twenty three, how many.

Women, got two kids and got to get up every morning and go to somebody's job, drop the kids off at daycare, come home to cook, pay the bills. Where's your where's your gratitude? Appreciate him, acknowledge a firm because you can get that from your girlfriends. Your girlfriends are the girl. You're doing good a girl. I'm happy that your girlfriends will do that for you. Who does that for him?

Right? And that's what So yeah, that's what he always says, Like we have a really big platform on Instagram, a family platform, and he says, those people they always talk positive about you, but no one's says anything about him. No one acknowledges him. Even when we take our kids to the doctor together and you rarely see black men at the doctor with their kids with their spouse. The doctors are like, oh, mom, you're doing such a great job. And I'm like, well, he's right here too, or I always say, well, I couldn't be doing it without him, and I apologize to him. I'm sorry that they didn't acknowledge you, you know, and so I know that the world doesn't really see him.

They're just like, okay, well then next time. That's very good. I'm glad that you noticed that. And the next time you can say to the doctor, how do you acknowledge the dads? Don't even make it personal about him, say I appreciate you acknowledge me, but how do you acknowledge the dad to show up with their children? Just find out that girl that's gonna make him pee hisself with happiness. And then whatever he says, you turn to him and say, he's acknowledging you for blah blah blah blah. That's showing him that you support him. That's showing him that you acknowledge him. Does that make sense to you.

Yes, ma'am, you can do this. I'm getting it right now. I don't want to lose him as a person.

I don't uhha aha, Yes, yes, And you don't want to bust up your family. And if you know, if it gets too hard, you know, get some outside help. Because as you clean up your heart, I'm telling you, it's gonna shift the whole atmosphere. You are shifting the atmosphere. Acknowledge him, appreciate him, affirm him as you take care of yourself. Let him know that you want this to work because you value who he is. Not what he does. Who is he? If he likes butter pekan ice cream, he should need to never not walk up in that house and that butter pk and ice cream is not there.

Yes, ma'am.

If he drinks a particular thing, you greet him at the door with it. When he hits the door, you let him know I really want to hug you and hold you because I missed you. Can we do that? Ask his permission because he doesn't trust you. And then if he says no, don't get your feelings hurt, because remember you're healing, and sometimes healing takes a minute. You're in recovery. You're in the recovery room. You don't be in the recovery room dancing and singing. You're in the recovery room laying flat on your back and pay and drugged. You're in a recovery room. Okay, tell me something you know now that you didn't know when you called here today.

Everything I've been writing notes. You said to monitor my mouse, and you said to when I asked him, does he want to come home? Or when I let him know that he can come home, or that I want him to come home. So let him know that I understand if it's not something he's comfortable doing. And I know before I say anything, to think, is it's something that needs to be said. Do I need to say it right now? And can I say it in a way that I want heal it?

Mm hmm yeah, and appreciation, acknowledgment of affirmation and appreciation. That's his medicine. And remember, no matter what comes out of your mouth, it's going straight to his heart. So in those moments of weakness, when you say something that you know has cut a hole in his heart, apologize right then, don't let it go on, don't fight to be right. You know what, I shouldn't have said that. Forgive me. Not I'm sorry, but forgive me. Forgive me. That was that was unloving. Forgive me, and then go somewhere and sit yourself down. It's a soap and washing mouth.

It.

Now here's a little secret weapon. Don't tell anybody that I told you this. Okay, this is just between you and me. Okay, call his mom and acknowledge to her. I think I've made some mistakes with your son, and I want to apologize to you. Why are you apologizing to her? Because the king is the king? Because of his mother. There's something she instilled in him that would make him amenable, available to take on a woman and four children that didn't come from his daddy, that came from his mother. Acknowledge to her, I've made some mistakes with your son. I've spoken without thinking, I don't breathe I've said things that have cut his heart, and because of my unfinished business, rather than trying to heal with him, I tried to run, which is abandonment, whatever.

Whatever.

Talk to her as a mama, Okay, but if you let her know that you've made some mistakes with her son, she will be your ally because it sounds like he has a decent relationship with her.

He does, yes, ma'am.

Yeah, Okay, don't tell anybody I told you that.

Okay, yes, ma'am.

Just between you and me. Sh do your work. Baby, It's gonna be just fine. Do your work, yes, ma'am.

Thank you so much.

Okay, thank you, and good luck for you and them six babies. Remember you are raising somebody's father and somebody's husband. How many girls you got?

Four?

Four girls and two boys? Okay, So you want to be a good demonstration and a good example, alrighty, thank you so much. Let me know how you make out. Send me an email, a text or something, and let me know how you make out.

Okay, yes, ma'am, thank you so much.

Alrighty bye bye. It's easy to focus on what's wrong in a relationship and what breaks down in a relationship, and what we're not getting from a relationship, and so very often when we focus on that, what we see is our exit strategy, our exit plan, and it's usually just to run away without fixing anything. But I'm here to tell you that the very things that are broken in a relationship, as long as there's no violence, the very things that are broken are the exact things that we need to look at to facilitate our healing. And if we take a moment to just look at those things and pick them apart and examine them, we will find what it is that we need to heal. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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