#98 Ham Drip

Published Sep 8, 2021, 1:00 AM

Between you and Nikki sometimes you can't be ready for taking on a new responsibility. Andrew likens himself to a new animal that might be more accurate than the hedgehog. They get into shape shifting and phases they went through. You Heard it Here First: An accurate use of words, preserving of the skin and yes, Nikki cares about sexy comments from Megan Fox and MGK. In Nikki's Reddit Dump, she shares a mom's attempted fail to embarrass her kid, really bad tattoos and a relationship question that is hard to agree on. In the Final Thought, Nikki reflects on why she likes when people stand up to her.

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Nicky Glazer. Yes, yes, Nicky here I am. Hey everyone, welcome to the Nicki Glazer Podcast. Thank you for joining me. And later on Andrew and of course Noah is always here in Arizona, but right now she's in New Yorker, New York A. Yeah, yeah, that's right, picking up a kitty cat tomorrow. Oh my god, are you so excited? I'm I'm excited, almost a little nervous. Why let's talk about it. I think just because of the commitment I'm about to make, and I've never had a cat before, so I don't know how he's gonna I am so excited for you. Like I've been talking. I just um I mentioned her before, but David Spay's assistant, who I was instantly like friends with, she was talking about having cats and sorry to like bring that she recently lost a cat that she had for like, you know, since she really long time, and like just the way she was crying about it, and the way that she processed the grief and like went through it and like as sad as it was. I was like, oh, wow, it's so cool that someone can feel this way about an animal that for me, cats just seem kind of like we don't care that you're there, Like, they just don't seem as I've never been as inclined to get one as much as dogs, because dogs just seem so needy and like give you what you want, even though Luigi definitely doesn't anymore. Um, I just was like, and I've always been sold on pretty much every animal. You guys know that I loved that wingless bumblebee and was like sobbing in my bed over it. Um, but I'm just I mean, I'm thinking about getting a cat too, because they are more low maintenance, and um, they're just I like things that play hard to get and everyone I love loves cats, so the musical but also the animal. And I just feel like that's all the evidence I need. And I have the room in my heart and in my apartment and the money to like maybe take one that needs medical care, you know, like why am I not giving back? And I definitely want to make sure that it would fit into my life, but I think Luigi would enjoy it, but I don't know. I just seeing my friend Heather talk about her cat passing away, even though it was like, God, I would never want that pain. Um, it kind of sold me on the bond of a cat, and she said her other cat, which was normally like the one that needs a lot of attention, is always kind of like bothering her and like won't let her give more attention to the other one. When the other one was dying all of a sudden, and it came on really fast, even though it's like an old cat, it just happened very quickly got cancer. And she said the other cat just like stayed away and was like, this is the other cats time, Like they're so intuitive and they're so smart, and that's why they don't need us. Is that like they they know better. And I think you're gonna learn from your cat, like what kind of And then I'll just finish this by saying that it was really beautiful like when she came she left to go put the cat down, and she like talked to the cat that was, you know, the cat's friend sister. I think I think they were siblings and was like, you know, this is goodbye, and the cat just like didn't freak out like it normally does when she leaves. And then when she came back, it was just very nurturing to her and like more having its own sense of morning. And I was just like so beautiful that first of all, she had a cat to comfort her through her cat's loss, and and just you know, that's what sold me on the bumblebee thing. And I want to get a bumblebee too. Is because these animals that, you know, I had it in my mind that cats were just not like that affectionate. And you know, I only based this off of my grandma's cat, who was given to us after my grandma passed. And now I feel so sad for Tutsi and how she was probably so scared and like we were just kids and was like Tutsi come out from under the bed and it's like Tutsy's morning, you know, And like, uh so, I just think there's like worlds of love and things you'll learn from this cat, and like you can do anything now you're you figure out everything. You were reading a book about how to like install wires into your walls and stuff, like you just go to the library and like pick up a book about I just bought my nephew Arlot, a book about big cats. If you want me to send that. It's a very easy read. It has like four words per page. Um what have what have you learned about cats in your research? Because I know you've done a ton um that is like making you excited slash nervous about this. Okay, So the first thing, Um, when I really like like look into what my hesitation is, it's just I'm just afraid that I'll fail and that I'll have to give the cat up. And then I just never want to put an animal in a shelter after I've committed to taking it. So that's that's it. But can I just say one thing for that, You will not put it to a shelter if you need to give it up. That's just that's not something you do. You wouldn't even if the cat like scratched your face and like murdered your fiance, you would not bring it to a shelter. Oh, Andrew's home. The dog's barking. I'm going to take that dog to the shelter later on today because of the bark. You can't interrupt my podcast, Luigi. You know I said one strike and you're out. I don't give him three. So you wouldn't do that. So that fear is illogical because you wouldn't. You would find a home for it with that you trusted, like I did with my dogs when they became like I couldn't give them the care I wanted. I gave them to my parents, who I had known were good caretakers. And like, you'll find a good place for it. Oh, you'll find a rescue that places it in a good place. So um, and you won't be a failure. But yes, okay, so it's not gonna end up in a shelter again. So that fear is okay, but you might still fail real fear. Okay, what's another fear? And I'm not I'm sorry to disprove these. I just wanted to jump in and say that just won't have you won't do that to your cat. Yeah, so that's it. I got a very good tip from one of our besties. Her name is mom Mom Moon. She has reached out to me because I asked for some tips and she gave me a really good one that I didn't know about about having to um uh to litter boxes in the house, not just one. So that was a good one that I didn't know about. I should get an extra one for Andrew. Yeah, um that is he compared is um he compared something to a litter box the other day that he never changed, and I was like, yeah, that seems about right. That's a good that's a good plan. I think that, Um, is it going to be an outdoor cat? What are we? What are we doing here? No? Nobody good. It's so many birds die because of that, And I don't want to create any enemies with people that have outdoor cats, but they just kill so many birds a year, and we all know how I feel about birds, but I feel that way about cat. I'm not mad at the cat either. That's cats just being itself. I never get mad at animals for being dis um except Luigi just now because it's just like he knows what I'm podcasting, and like he loves podcasts too, so he should appreciate like ones that don't have like ambient noise in the background. Um. Yeah, I'm excited, you know what. It's so exciting to take on a new responsibility that you're like, can I do this? I mean, I have a friend who is pregnant, and like the second I was gonna say he because sometimes they change the gender to protect people, but that ain't gonna work in this scenario. Well it could if she she identifies now as a he and like that's up to them. But she um, it's like oh my god, like I I can I do this? Like freaking out. And I was like, this must be I've never been pregnant, but it must be a common fear of women who are trying to conceive, And like, I mean this, this friend of mine is obsessed with kids. All she talks about is like I could I want to be a mother? Like oh what's look at that mother over there, Like it just was in her. She was already like getting ready to do this, and so I go, this is you wanted this. It's so weird that sometimes when we get the things that we want, or the things we sign up for the things we then we freak out because man, I relate to that. But no one knows how to be a mom. No one knows how to be a cat owner, no one else how to do anything until you do it. You can read all the books, you can talk to all the people, and you should because I hate when parents go there's no manual on how to be a good parent. It's like, yes, there is. There's like sections of bookstores, like whole shelves about parenting, like you could read a book, stop like acting like you know, I love that people go if I have to go see a parenting expert or read a book that I'm not meant to be a parent, or if I have to go to therapy, if I have to go to couples counselor, then we should just break up because if we can't do it on our own. Listen to me when I say that again, because I just use this logic on someone and it like blew their mind the person, because I think a lot of people are in relationships where it's like, wow, we could really use a mediator because we just fall into the same patterns of fighting and you know, and not that you know what's right and they don't know what's right, and you're like, oh, they're so stubborn. Maybe you feel that way, but you're probably communicating in a way that's making it hard to get anything accomplished and to negotiate with your partner and couples counselings. So many people I've heard over there your say, dude, if you have to go to a counselor or a therapist as a couple, you're dead in the water. It's over, Like that's a sign, especially if it's early and it's like no, okay, we'll use this logic. And I'm talking to women mainly because this is a good one for men, but men too. If you're you're you have a girlfriend that's stubborn about going to therapy, really hasn't been to it before, go okay, Well, when you want to get in shape, Um, you have arms and muscles, and like you know where weights are, why don't you just like lift weights? Like isn't that common knowledge? Like, because I think a lot of people go, if we can't make this work on our own, Like, if it's not just easy, then it's not going to happen. How many times have people gotten in shape in different ways or a train or has unlocked something that you could have done on your own, but you didn't have You didn't know to bend that way or to not to keep your back straight, like these little things and you don't have to go to them the rest of your life. You pick up things along the way. So if you relate therapy to trainers, a lot of people will relate, especially men, because men love fitness and they can totally understand going to a trainer. But they will never understand, not never, but it's harder for them to grasp in an emotional trainer. Pretty Much, your brain is like your body, and you need a doctor for it, just like you need a doctor for everything else in your body, except me, because I haven't gone to the doctor in so long. I'm so excited about you getting a cat. I kind of want a cat now. I'm like talking myself into a cat, but I talk to myself into a different animal all the time. I'm getting ready to have a film crew in my life, a lot um, and Luigi barks at everything that comes in, So I'm thinking about him living with my parents for a little bit and then maybe getting a cat that's more chill about, like film film crews. I don't know, but you know, I was always reluctant to even share that I let my pets be taken care of by my parents while I couldn't give them the best life, because you know, I remember Lena Dunham Dunham game up her rescue dog or give it to a friend or something, and people freaked or gave it back and they're like freaked out, like that's the worst thing you can do. And of course it's like not ideal, like don't sign up for something you don't think you can do. But you know, sometimes like the first day I got Luigi as a foster dog, he bit me. And it wasn't it was either because it was obviously I didn't know how to handle a dog that had his level of abuse. But and I remember my parents were visiting from um St. Louis when I got Luigi in l A and they were like, get rid of this dog. This is not going to work out. You need to give him back. And I was just like, I was sobbing, just like why can't I do this? Like what I know that there's ways? So I cut books. I read book thirds of books, truly I did. I remember reading Caesar Malan's book that you should when you walk your dog and when you interact with your dog, act like Cleopatra, act like you're the queen because the dog, the dog wants to follow a leader. And that really changed everything for me. Um, I don't know, I guess have you have you gotten any cat books? I haven't gotten cat books. I've just been reading online and just talking to different people. I think you're right about that. I just have to do it and just like go through the experience and I'll figure it out. You're one of the most capable of people. Like if you know, listeners to the show don't really understand, I mean, you all love no and I love that because something she doesn't even like. There's not that many interactions with her on the show as much as I had hoped for, because I can't shut the funk up, But like, Noah, is you all When the listeners love you and say hi to you two and stuff, I'm like, oh my god, they fucking get it. Like Noah's the best. Someone actually wrote me yesterday. Can I read this to you? Now? You're gonna oh boy, putting me on the spot, I know isn't an awkward to get compliments. But I met Noah because she was assigned to me and I at Serious to be the producer for my Serious show back when I started in two thousand eighteen. And I have come from TV where you interview a lot of producers and then you choose, like it's up to you. It's not up to Serious, and so I was kind of like, you're just giving me the one person who probably got fired from some other job and like needs placement. And then your friend rolland my friend Roland vouch for you, and I really like trust him, and then I was like, you know what, why are you putting up a fight. Let's just embrace this. And you came with like not only him, but everyone said you were amazing and they were really invested in me there, so I didn't think they were just going to give me riff raff. And yeah, upon first meeting, I looked like your Barbie doll. You just you looked so young that I was like this girl, but you but you were hungry and like, so I gave you a snack and then no, you were just you just can figure out anything. You can do anything. You've helped me so much in my own life and my personal life. You're always there for me. You also take care of yourself and have really good boundaries. You're just an amazing person and you you can do anything, especially take care of a cat, because cats are just like I got this bitch, But here's what I got from my friend Laura Um Laura and Dallas, who's a listener to the show. I went to high school with her. She was the first person I talked to when UM such over eleventh happened because she was sitting next to me in class. Um. But she's a bestie and I'm trying to get her to move to St. Louis because I want friends. She said, dear Lord, Pet, please pass along to Noah that her ad read was so good. She seriously has such a great soothing slash sexy slash calming voice. What ad read did you do? I don't even know this. I did one for like a podcast on our network. I don't know if it's that one, dude. I loved hearing that so much, but yeah, you're extraordinary and I followed your lead though I was because you have like a certain voice quality and it really taught me that, whoa, these ads are not easy at all, even if you have a script. So I just want to like send that compliment back to you, because you've taught me a lot about on air stuff that I didn't really know. So funny before we bring in Drew and remember the dsw ads that I think still run and I would love to do more. If anyone's listening out there, d s dubs um if if and if if Dave d s W I think that's his last name is listening. I would love to do more. When I got the script, it was like, just read this, don't paraphrase, and I was like annoyed by that kind of prompt, so I was like, I'll just make this in and I'll do a joke. I even said, I gave you a read, and I go, hey, guys, this is Nikki. I'm gonna do this like kind of summertime on the radio advertising voice spot where it's like ds W the brands you love and trust. And I was really doing it as like almost a joke because it was part of the read. Be like, I'm going to do this as a joke so that I could take some kind of like control. You took that part out the setup and it just read It's just the read, and people kept and I didn't know that and and that is was the right move, by the way, because people kept writing. It was a hard People kept writing me going are you the DSW voice? And I go, I think, so, I remember doing a read for them, but I didn't remember it was the one that I did, the kind of fake one, and they go, is that you? It sounds exactly like you, but like not you? And then I heard it when I was listening to the podcast to see if I was this mean to Andrews everyone had said on Reddit, and I heard it and I was like, oh my god, that is a really good like that was good. I was. We had a fan track that I didn't get to last week or the week before, where one of our best dees called it and she's like, I love the part where you're like, whoa there. Dad actually had a voicemail about that. I like, it's funny. That's what you need to do for acting, and like voice acting is do a joke of it, and then it it ends up sounding like because everything is so exaggeraty, you don't even realize it until you actually start shooting things and you see that if you unless you exaggerate so much like people that do, like you know, like serial commercials of like the Harvest is Here and fresh blueberries mixed with crunchy oats, Like no one talks like that, but it doesn't sound ridiculous in an ad. It sounds perfect, and so you need to like do as ridiculous as you can and then it ends up sounding good. It's wild. Um, all right, let's get Andrew in here. Hey, Andrew, don't knock go that lava la lamp. Don't knock the lava lamp. We have a lava lamp on set, y'all. And um in the middle. Yeah, yeah, you can put it in the middle. Yeah, put in the middle. Put the lava lamp in the middle of the table. How about a hedgehog being stolen by Whitney Cummings and now I can't beat a hedgehog anymore. You can be the hedgehog. You were the We have documentation that you were the original. H h and uh yeah, I mean she I sent him a video yesterday that she said that her spirit animals and a hedgehog or whatever we're saying instead of spirit animal. Now, but um, was there a new word for for well, it's it's um. That's like a Native American phrase that like white girls have adopted to be like, oh my god, Like people tell me I'm their spirit animal all the time, which is so nice because I know what they're saying, like they're like, oh, I want I want to be you. I like like I feel like i'm you, um, but I'm not. You're like my innermy that I can't show or yeah, but I and I am an animal. Humans are animals, um, but it's it's I think it's supposed to be like an actual like mammal, or or maybe not even a mammal. I don't know what you're like. What animal do you feel besides the jaguar? What animal do you really feel as close to? Is it? Is it the hedgehog? I feel like a sloth, but a little bit faster, so like a sloth, the fastest sloth. I feel like I I attribute a lot sloth on speed. Yeah sloth after he took some speed. Yeah, yeah, he injected it into his neck. Yeah, you're like that sloth that that guy moves off the road and then it turns around slowly and like gives him like a piece time because slaws only have like two it always looks like they're giving it. Literally just did that to my uber driver. Yeah, and I was just like I had this black guy uber driver who was like the coolest guy ever. So I had one the other day too that was like my uber driver like real cool sloth in the back of just talking about my voice gets down here because you emulate anyone's voice they're talking about, especially a cool person like and it's not he's not cool just because he's black, but but he was. It didn't hurt. Andrew has his arms the way you have them over the chair is kind of like the way a sloth hangs in the tree. Absolutely, you do have a yeah, and the this guy was so cool that he's like, you know, I was in Iraq, then I was in Chicago. My lady wanted to come down St. Louis more family like, and I was like, yeah, man, I get there and he's like yeah. And then I got my boy. He's like, where are you from. It's like Florida. He's like, yeah, man, my boy wants to come down to Miami. I ain't gonna bring the lady though, because you know, because you learned easily. Oh no, no, that's not it. And I was just like, yeah, man, you could be breaking your neck down there. Like I'm like, just like I love here. If next time you have an Ubert conversation with someone cooler than you know, I need you to record it for us Slice of Life stegment, because I mean, you know, before I started kind of like pointing it out to you that you would shift what you already knew about, because sure I pointed it out to you and started calling you out on it. Man, you would go on stage anywhere a little bit we go, we'd go like one mile south and in New York, New Jersey, New Jersey south of Yeah, boy, I feel like, um, I don't know New York directions, Like that island just shoots out and I get very confused by my surroundings. And well, Connecticut I always thought was south, but it's north of New York. Yeah, I would have guessed north, but I also wouldn't have been sure about that guess. But um, yeah, whenever we go a little bit south like Atlanta, I mean, and then that's south, Like, let's not, We're not, that's definitely south. You're you get you twying it up on stage. Um, I do the same thing. I mean I can. But that's even if I talk to one individual, Like if I talked to someone from Long Island, I'm talking with my hands. I'm like, oh, you went down to the isleway where you and again the way you take the uh turnpike done, and and I'm like, who the fuck am I Like, I'll get done with the conversation and going to shake it off, like what am I doing? Whatever? Since I was young, you were kind of like, you spit in your you have chew in your lip. You're like, how did that even get there? When I go down south, it's a little slower down there. I just getting my dad. I give people what it's it's. I really want to explore it, like I think it's gonna be. I don't think I'm gonna tackle it for my next special, but like somewhere down the road, people pleasing and the different types. It's fascinating to me if anyone knows a good book about that or like some kind of uh like material or podcast about how we shift into other people, because because we you know, at least for me, I'm just gonna speak for my own perspective. I just didn't want to be me. I just and I thought that everyone was. I just assumed that everyone else got lucky being born the way they were, and I didn't how many different phases. Let's go through Nikki's phases, because I had a lot of phases my phases. When did your phases started? When do you think you started this adaptation? Because I think we can probably pinpoint probably probably around the time I started going to private school with all Christian kids, like I was like eleven or twelve, and my parents started fighting and I started I started being called a dumbed you in school and then a dumbed you at home and I was like, Mom, you're Jewish. You know. She's like, you're dumb though you are dumb and I was like, Mom, you're drunk, and she's like, who am I? So yeah, you just you started having I think it's it's interesting. I was watching this about when uh children become aware of themselves, Like there's a there's a time when like when you're a toddler, you don't know that you're a thing. You just start experiencing the outside world. And it's almost like the correct way because you aren't a thing. You're just consciousness. You're not. I mean, it's that's the best right. You're just getting. But you're like, you're like, thing's a movie, but you don't have any authority over it, you have no influence over it. There was a study there was a fascinating way where they showed like exactly the exact around age where like a fifteen month old. It's the shopping cart experiment. They have this little kid with a ppping cart and its mom is like three ft in front of them. There's a little shopping cart and the shopping cart behind it, like where the kid would push is a rug and the wheels are touched the rugs, so in order to push the cart you have to step off the rug, which which would make a baby if they realize because they're pushing it, and they won't push. But at like eighteen months, something clicks and the kid knows to step off the rug. And it's not because they realize rugs and things attached to things. It's because they realize that they have influence on things around them. And before that the kid cannot understand why the cart won't push the kid. And then at like sixty months, the kid will start to see something's going on and go around to the front wheels, then step back on the carpet and trying to put the video in the computer like the past like years, Mom has to stand on the other side of the camera and go, come on, nicky, upload, drag the file over there. Good girl, good girl. Um yeah, no, no, Noah gets it. No, Noah's very capable of stuff. We've figured it out enough. Today I did some gymnastics, like mental gymnastics to get the done, okay, so I'm sorry the rug and then this is interesting. So I think that that's like the most freedom is before you realize you are a thing. That and also before and then you then you realize you're a person, and you're like, oh, I am accountable for things. People can get mad at me. I am responsible for my own behavior, which, by the way, you're not like no free will all that stuff, or like if you have if you believe in God, like God is responsible for you or a higher power whatever. And then that takes you thirty seven years to realize it's not everything you do is your fault. That takes a really long time, but you you go through this middle point where you feel like everything you feel, everything you think, everything you do is your fault and like your add person because of it, and like you. For me, I felt like I when I realized I wasn't as pretty as other girls or didn't get the boys didn't like me, which I didn't even want boys to like me. I didn't even care. I just wanted them to like me so that if I wanted to, I could could do it. But the fact that they didn't want me was just so like I thought, I was special and like I'm not like Megan's special, Katie's special. And they have a thing called um blonde hair that is a shape that minds not or I would just find something about them and then I would you know, I talked like this for a while because there's this girl that was really Paul talked like this. So I thought like this, And if you went to Kirkwood High School in eighth grade, you might know who I'm talking a count, but she talked like this in all the boys light there. She'd be like, well, then I I mean emulating Sarah Silverman forever, like I already got the voice, and honestly I still see her and myself like I see and Megan, I um she I wouldn't be hurt. She had huge mobs, but that wasn't gonna happen for me, so I would um. She had like brace shows from quick and so like I would do like my god hard, like bubble gum in my mouth, like I would kind of go. And she just was cool, but like I picked the weirdest thing. One girl had kind of a lazier eye and she was really popular. But she was popular because she was confident and beautiful, and good was. I remember one time she in second grade that was, man, what a pivotal moment. Second grade, we were all watching uh a movie in some class. It was all the grades together, maybe this fourth grade, but we were in the second grade hallway. I don't know why we were all watching this movie. And I remember the movie ended early and they had to kill time, and so they were like, does anyone want to like show and tell or something? And in my head, I'm like, God, I would love to have something, but I don't have any talent. And I remember this girl confidently raised her hand and then sang solo without Acabella a song, and I was so jealous that she had the confidence. I just couldn't believe. And I just was like, I want that confidence. But instead I just faked a lazy eye for a little bit. I would just kind of shut one eye. I mean, that's wild that you had a sloth. It all comes back and like I thought that was going to be the thing. That's like when I drink smart water and I think it's gonna be make me more like John France. It's like that's not it. Yeah, it's just what you know. Oh my god, you guys you don't understand how small Andrew was, Like, we don't do you can't comprehend it. I'll put a photo up on the on the you have to know and make sure he sends one to you because his class photo, he's so insane. You guys, what grade was that? That was probably six or six, fourth or fifth grade? You guys, he is in the front it's all girls, and uh in the front row with Andrew. He's on the side next to his teacher, and then it starts girls and then behind him are all the boys. He is probably a foot shorter than all the girls. It looked like you were, um, one of those kids that you know almost when she lies to her son about being much younger than he is. Yeah, was like, Mom, I found out I was five that day. You looked five. You looked five, and everyone else looked Did people say that to you all the time? Dude, I was the smallest, but I was cute. Oh he's so cute, and then I was you know, I didn't even know I was really Jewish though, until I went to an all Christian school. Like I knew I was Jewish, but like you didn't know it was a thing that anyone would have a problem with. I honestly think rich Christians hate Jews because Jews starts stepping on their turf. I didn't know there was anything wrong with being Jewish, either or not that there is anything, but I didn't know that it was a thing. Obviously. I thought the hall, I knew the all goods have been stuff like that. I didn't know, and they were persecuted. I didn't know it was I well, well I had. I started getting an inkling uh. In fourth grade, I was being called a bagel and I'm like, who are How did these kids have this dialect? I would just call you that because you probably had bagel crumbs like on you, but it was not because, oh no, you changed my whole life. Oh no, I would have called you bagel bite because you were a little but you just go what is that? And I'm like, what is that? And then I'd go over to my friend Scott's house and I'd look at his and his parents had like mine comp book, No they did not, and like every every edition like scratch and sniff like like like all the mind like babies first mind comp And it's like you touch it and you can feel Hitler's mustache and it's like a little there's like a little patch of And that's when I knew I had autonomy over my own brain. When I knew you could rub Hitler's mustache. And dude, it's really um. Every time you talk about the anti Semitism you endured, it's so heartbreaking. And you know, whether it's your Jewish or fat or short or something like, kids will find a way to Yeah. I was short and Jewish, so and then it was like I had to be stupid the one thing and dumb. Yeah yeah, yeah, no, shut up. And you had a speech embeddiment kind of you you were going to special classic. Okay, look I didn't even think of all these things. Well I could, and you could stop. Your brother was all right, get off, yeah, get me off the bus. I feel like I'm back on the bus. I have been friends with you. My brother would have beat up this kid one time. I ever tell you this story. It's the craziest story ever. I got beat up on the bus. Uh, not that bad, but this kid's Victor Broun Concio, and he was like the kind of like a type of throat cancer. Yeah, it was bad. It was got bron Coccio. It was terminal yeah, terminal six. Yeah, it was bad. You mean stage six at the airport. It's Delta's. Yeah. You go to this, go to C fourteen. You'll see Victor brun Concio there and he kind of beat me up a little bit, and then he got off the bus and then my brother threw him down and like defended my honor. Have you ever talked about it? Yeah, Like it was a cool moment where I was like, my brother's got my back. Yeah, man, Yeah, and then he gave me a job and then that backfired and then yeah, it went out. Let's get to the news. Don't you want to hear the story? Oh no, no, So Victor brun COUNTI you ended up killing a woman and then so I got beat up by a murderer. Oh my god. Yeah yeah. And then they won the lottery his family after he went to jail for he killed her. He beat her to death with a boom box and then lit her on fire and then spray painted her and then got caught red handed because he used red spray paint. Get out of here. He got the a and you know what, she probably he probably showed up with a boombox at her house and she was like, that's so romantic. It's like it's like the John Cusack movie. And then he that is honestly, I'm not making fun. That's the magic. So that they were they were in a in a in a park and he was playing rap music. Oh you did tell me this, this is horrible. Yeah, playing rap music with like n W A or something. She's like, don't play that music with curse words. And he's like, well, now you're And he just beat up this woman who was just anyhow, and you can only imagine what happened to him as a child. I'm guessing, yeah, you got beat up my brother. Yeah. It all leeds back to day and let's get to the names. Boy, that's not the most depressing story. Man. I hope you're having all the swells out there. It is Tuesday, I believe, who knows? Really? Uh? First the first stories solid one. Grammar experts say those words, these words can make you sound smarter, but most people use them the wrong way. There's twenty six of them supposedly, and they say supposedly alternatively versus all alternately alternately. I think it's alternatively is probably what did I say? What is the right one? Alternative? Okay, Alternatively refers to one or more choices or possibilities. Alternately refers to two or more things happening after each other. Oh, alternate, like they all they alternate. We we're gonna, we're gonna go um, we're gonna answer these questions and alternately, and so it's like one, the next, the next. Okay. Interesting. Definitive verse definite, definite, definitive versus definite. I mean definitive statement. I would say they're the same, but what are what's the difference? Writing definitive instead of definite, as in the cf OH has said a definitive time for the meeting is a common substitution that doesn't work at all. The writer meant to say that the CFO sent an exact definite time. Okay, So those two things are not different. But what does definitive mean? Definitive means authoritative, decisive, most reliable, So definitive. It's like the way you say something. It's like, okay, I'm sure a lot of people have so a time can't be definitive, but a person can be definitive. Yeah, okay, got it. Yesterday I was watching the Bachelor. This is perfect batch in paradise. I'd have been Each episode is two hours. I had to get through five episodes. I only watched one because I'm doing a will you accept this rose um? It's you do it on two point out speed because you can't on Kulu for some reason and on the TV, so I'm just reading recaps. But they they use we with this is on Fboy Island when they cut around it. These guys people so confidently used turns of phrase that uh, just this One guy goes, you know what, Thomas is probably on that date, and he's acting all cool and he's putting aside the bs. He's probably, you know, she's gonna come back here and she's gonna like him skin over her eyes. She's not gonna know. And I go, skin over her eyes? What is that? And I go that I think he meant he's going to pull the wool over her eyes. But he didn't say pull the skin over her eyes. He said skin over her eyes. So even if he said wool over her eyes, it would have been kind of incorrect, but we could have gotten there. But he said skin over her eyes, like it was just like and everyone goes, yeah, man, skin over like they were all just like yeah, And I googled it to see if I wasn't a new one. So I did skin over eyes expression. That's how you google something, because at first I go skin over her eyes and it's like nothing, skin over eyes expression, and um, it's just how to like squeeze your eyelids, like to express like a cyst in your eyelids. Like there's no, that's not a phrase. And this guy and another guy kept going, but it's he goes up, he goes up, Um, what's the word. It was like, it's all my story, but he just supposed to say just like regardless, he goes, regardless that you did this, regardless that you did this. It's regardless of the fact that you did this. It's regardless of you can't just say regardless that I would have been tricked on that one. I think, Yeah, I mean a lot of these are just like you know, it's it's me being a stickler. And I realized I was being a little bit like elitist, like these people are so dumb, but like and I say dumb stuff, I said, take it for granted, I did that. And that's one where I like, I was trying to do the right one because I know there's two, and my dad always would make the joke about granite like the tabletop and then granted, and I just chose the wrong one. And it's not that I didn't know. If I would have thought, but these people don't even know, and I'm making look at the end of the day, yeah, the end. Hey, let's keep going ingenuous. I love that I can't pronounce any of these ingenuous, disingenuous, No, ingenuous, first, in genuine, I don't know ingenious. I think ingenious. No, that's okay, what did you do here? Okay? Um ingenious versus ingenious, ingenuine ingenuous versus ingenious. Ingenuous means simplicity or childlike innocence. Ingenuous I n G E n U O U S. And then ingenious I n G E n I O U S means clever or resourceful. I've never heard of ingenuous. No, I've never seen that word. But if someone did say that was ingenuous, I would be like, oh, oh yeah, no, no, no, ingenuous, that's ingenuous. I've never I didn't know that. Let me can I do the other ones? Historical and historic historical means based in history. So when he's thing that happened in the past is historical, historic means significant, famous or in So a historic landmark is also historical because it happened in the past, but a historical thing is not necessarily historic. I don't like historic because it's a little braggy. It's like, yeah, look at me, I'm a landmark that was important. It's like he just were from history. Let's not right, it's not bragg here. Sometimes I think about things in history where it's like this was Daniel Boone's boyhood home or something, and I'm like, or it was like this was the this was where Gettysburg happened. And there's first of all, the grasses and the dirt are totally different now, so like the air is different because the earth moves and there's wind. So really nothing about this place is actually the same. Do you know what I mean? When it's just like a field, I understand, like a cabin or like, uh, the chair that Abraham Lincoln was assassinated or the bed that he died in and you can see the stain, like those things are like tangible. But when it's like a field or like, um, yeah, I was in high school and we did like we we we were on the field where one of the battles of the Civil War was and we played football on it, and we were like the ghosts. We're playing where they died. I mean, it is cool to see a field and just be like, but but if you really think about it, nothing about that is the same. Yeah. I mean the grass is definitely nicer. The bodies are gone hopefully, Yeah, But the dirt, I would say, like we're talking, the dirt is re energized and like been you know, eroded and washed away. So the only thing that was probably the same as like the inner core of the earth, which at that point you can just say everything you're standing on is historic, okay or historical? Okay, Yeah, everything is historical. The other ones were okay, but all right. Jeff Bezos is reportedly funding Alto Slabs, a biological reprogramming tech company, for a new anti aging venture aiming to cheat death. Yeah. I mean they'll figure it out. If anyone will, he will, I wonder if so. Bezis is said to have a fairly long standing interest in longevity research, and he previously invested in an anti aging company. But you know what, when everyone looks young and like hot, I guess who's going to be like the cool people, the ones that had the ones, the ones that are like aging. The it's always what's different or what's harder to achieve is the thing that everyone desires to be. I think that's it. And let me just say, if we really think about it, old age is the hardest to achieve because you have to live. So why don't we respect wrinkles and like age spots Like that should be the mark of like you lived, like you endured, like you had. I think some cultures do. I mean the Asian culture is known for like really respecting their elders and you like, like whatever they say because they experienced it their parents forever, not because out of necessity, but because like it's your job now to like pay your respects to those Yeah, I mean, put them a home, get them away from us. Yeah, we don't want to be reminded that we're gonna die, so like let's keep it separate and death is I was reading all about it. It's just we keep it so far away from us because we're also scared of it. We don't want to be reminded of it, but it's something that you know, every other part of nature like has to see it. They don't. They don't really send it away. Well, if you could take a pill right now that will have you slow down your aging by where's it at? I try to buy those pills every day. I'm taking those pills, you know, like I buy these pills that have like new true energy x sea. How many pills are you taking to that? Man? I do um to for my hair that some hair person said to take, and I don't think it's working. My hair has been really thin this week, but I think it's because I'm on my period. I take an iron, I take a Beat twelve because I'm a vegan. I take a couple of mets from my mental health, and um, I take a what else? Uh truful I was doing for a while. Um, that's like for a day. It's a lot. But like my friends owns the company, it really works and our differences. Can you imagine two vitamin gummies? Well some days, I mean, and also I might like, let's just start crying. I never did that. I never did that joke where I was like, I have a male roommate before bed, I have to go through the nineteen step regiment and he doesn't even take nineteen steps to fall into his bed. It was something like that. It is true, like men don't do anything to their faces and we go, god, you're so hot like like that, Like I love when a guy has like those like like crow's feet, or when he starts to have like gray like in his beard, like if you're trying to do a guy that starts to look so hot. And I want to say that men, when they really are trying to a woman, they like that stuff too. They don't care if you start to age, because it's if you like a woman only because she's hot. Sorry, buddy, we're going to fall out. But to all guys, Brenna is like really big in the skincare and taking me through a facial she did like that, why she looks twelve, Well know she's but she yeah, I mean she looks twenty. She probably looks twenty two. But what does that even mean anymore when people say you look this because everyone but my point being is she'll do like five those She'll do like five steps to you know, the wash, the serum, the mask or serums after the mask, whatever, four or five steps, and I swear to God, after one treatment, I do feel like my skin looks way like literally one, I feel like I look like, oh like every guy's just one five step thing away from seeing the skin again. But it happens that quick. I feel like it takes, and women don't do it every day. I mean, my mom has. My mom has has aged really really well, and she smoked for years, drank for years, doesn't work out, loves ham dips and this bitch she loves. She loves a discount if you can put ham dips that are two days expired based on when shinooks said they shouldn't be sold. Um, but my mom uses ponds cream you know, like cless like and and barely doesn't wash your face at night, so that maybe girls are doing too many yeah, and and ever since, I made my regiment really simple, which is like I washed my face with whatever facial cleanser. Sometimes I feel like I need more of like a creamy one because my face is dry. Sometimes I feel like I need more of an acne one because my face is oily. Just any cleanser, and then I put on that ordinary um plant squalling stuff that I talked about that's eight bucks. Uh. And then I put on um either an SPF like a elia um spf uh like c C cream, and and that's that's all I wear during the day. And then instead of the c C cream at night, I just put on like a thick night cream, which can be a nutrogena um high lauronic thing. Like you just I just do three steps and it's not even washing my face takes two seconds. You're supposed to like massage gently. I'm just like raw and you're supposed to like blot dry gently with a clean towel. I used like one that I wiped my pus with because I ran a toilet paper, like I'm gross and glide over that. No, sometimes I run a toilet paper and I don't want to just let a drip drop in my pants, so I just use a towel. But I don't reuse that toe. That was an exaggeration. I really don't. I would never do that, but um what I've done it in the past when I was depressed and going through a bad time from pussy. Your pussy's ham anyway, Wait, so wait, go back waits not no, you call back? Fail keep you going. Let's do it. Here's here's a sound effect for a callback. Phil call. That's it. Hey, come on, yes, you're right. I lost but wait, wait wait what were we talking about? Oh, if guys had to take off makeup every night before bed, when we would, there just wouldn't be a makeup anymore. Yeah, you would have terrible skin. Um and you guys, yeah, I would wake up, our pillows would be done, like, we just would keep We'd figure out a way for some men are really fastidious about that kind of stuff. But no, one, do you ever sleep with your makeup on? No? Because I have large pores and it's just not worth. What will happen to me in the morning. What will happen? What happens when you well, it's dirt. Makeup is dirt, and like it's it's it's just it's not and it's like chemicals and it's it's not good already to put on your skin, and through the night it just rubs into your pores more and like just creates bacteria and then zits and dryness. Does your mom wear a lot of makeup? Yeah? I mean you know, actually she doesn't work. Maybe that's maybe we're doing all these five steps because we're wearing so much makeup. Yeah, I mean, my mom doesn't wear makeup, and that always boggles my mind because it it looks so good. She can look so much better with a little bit of makeup, and she's a beautiful woman, but she can look really sing through old pictures of my phone. The other day, I was showing Andrew, like all these pictures I took from photo albums, and one he was like, Wow, your mom's gorgeous. Another one he'd be like, whoa, your mom's pretty. They were all pictures where she had her makeup done, all of them like back in the eighties. And I knew that, but like and then you'd be like, is that your mom? And it was like a picture with her without makeup, she looked beautiful. But people, guys can't say that makeup doesn't trick you. And I know that lots of makeup sometimes is too much, but yeah, you guys like it, and you guys would look better with it. God a Meal's eyelashes last week. I was like, I was getting my makeup done and I was just like, A Meal, can I please please put mascre on those sweet, luscious lashes? And he goes you've done it before, and I was like, oh, I was gonna say, we've been friends too long for me to let those eyelashes just go without repainting them. Because some boys, you're just like boys that look like girls. Like that's when it works, like a rocker. A rocker can do eyeliner. If I do eyeliner, I just look like a truck driver that fell in mud on his eyes. It doesn't work. Sometimes you say the funniest like I'm really envious of your ability to pull a thing that that fell out in mud is so funny, and like I would have to think all afternoon to write something like that where you don't give yourself credit with those things really bad on like those kind of like weird outside quick. But I'm thinking about it before I'm saying I don't I know what I'm going to say before the end of the sentence. Most of the time, sometimes I get ucky, but a lot of times I just can't. You'll hear it on the podcast. I just I'm not good in that moment because I start, I get to the part where I go, man, if I wore makeup, I look like a And then I when I say i'd look like in that moment, I'm thinking, Nikki, you never can come up with a good one here, and I start freaking out because I tell myself you can never. You're not as funny as you think you are. You're not Colin Mockery or Wayne Brady. You don't do improv. And then that thinking makes me panic and then I can't and then I just go NICKI just pull anything literally anywhere. Sometimes there's sometimes you know, I remember John Mulaney had a bit about drag queens and how they're like the worst version of a woman, and he's like, your version of a woman is like a bit. He's like it is mean and bullying. You know, your version of woman is a lot like a man. Because he'd be like, my name is Strawberry alarm clock, and like for me to come up with Strawberry alarm clock, like I couldn't do that. Like I would be like, I'm like, right now, I have any word at my but you could do blueberry uh whatever, right exactly, Well, we just learned that that was the trick. Let's go to break so I can come up with a joke and then we'll get back to why do I think it's not being afraid, like me saying ham drip, terrible joke, not being afraid of I'm scared. I'm too scared of bombing. Yeah, um yeah, and I'm working on that. But that was an interesting no fear fear. Let's take a quick break and then we'll get back with um, why do I care? Okay, why do I care? Why do you care? I don't know anymore? Why do I care? Megan Fox and massage gun Kelly, Oh my god, Massage and Kelly. You sent me a meme of his face on one of those thera guns. But by the way, a lot of these things I send you are through like Nicky Glazier, like like people sending them to us, like the video this morning. Just come across that someone goes this reminds me of Nikki and Andrews. Well, thank you so much to our fancy who alert us to things that we would enjoy like that because we miss a lot of them. Um, Massage and Kelly was hilarious. I I can I get the story? Can I take it? Because I actually yeah? So, Y'll sterday on Comments by Celebs, which is an account I follow where they kind of document they're really like a loving celebrity gossip site that doesn't really get caddy a lot of times. Yes, they like to speculate in gossip, but it's not like Dema, which dem is just all people. They're all blind items, which is like someone who's not being accountable, not being like, Hi, my name is Mary Stevenson from you know, Baxter, Minnesota, and I witnessed Channing Tatum and Zoe Kravitz on a bike ride because I was following them, Like, it's all people that are like I was at dinner the other there was one the other night that was like or the other like two Sundays. They go every Sunday on their Instagram story, they do like a drop of like all these people d M N Duma and the all people that just witnessed celebrities in the wild or or personal friends of celebrities ratting them out. But it's all anonymous, so it's just kind of like is it true, but you just assume it is because it's so detailed. Sometimes one had a picture of Courtey Kardashian. A lot of them come with pictures that were like I was at the nail salon and I saw court dash in and she seemed happy and she was with Penelope. But the and it said, um she was texting someone about and a party tomorrow. It was like this girl read her scream or it was like her listening to a call and I was like, wait, so when they do they have to write into due or yeah, they submitted via d M S or she has like a submission site and um or a website where you can anna kind of smart. It's like Wikipedia for like celebrity like they don't have to pay anyone. I'm sure a lot of people have tried to start these before, but this one it takes a while to get people like. It has over a million followers now and it was a slow build, but I love it. It's just so and then on the sub read it for dem wat. It's all these celebrity people that love celebrities, and I'm one of them. By the way, I just want to say, I'm I'm you. I'm obsessed with celebrity culture. I have strong opinions about people I know nothing about, truly nothing about. These people don't even have podcasts like I do where they tell you a lot. They have reality shows maybe, but those reality shows are you can't take those seriously and and really think that that's the real them um and even my podcast, you can't. You have to have some sort of like you have to realize you don't know everything about me, even though it seems like sometimes I give it all away, but I I'm one of you. If if I'm talking to one of you, these people in the dim Wa subrubbit read it, sometimes it will be like what celebrity do you hate more than any celebrity? What one that can you not watch in anything? And I just read these comments and they're like, I just hate Ryan Reynolds. I hate And I'm just like these who are these people that have such hatred? I understanding hating Chris Brown for what he did to Rihanna based on actual police reports. I understand hating um, you know, Woody Allen based on what Ronan Pharaoh has uncovered and said Dylan Farrow said he had done to her, and so like I understand that, But like hating someone because you just I just think she thinks she's cool. I've never liked Jennifer Lawrence in anything because I just think she always looks like twelve when she's trying to be eight. And it's just like, and these people have such disdain and for me, it's so transparent that they hate themselves and they're jealous and they would do anything to be these people. And then yesterday on um comments by Celebs, I saw an agregious example of this. UM Comments by Celebs posted a picture that um machine gun Kelly I guess had posted. Is that correct? No? Um okay? Megan Fox posting on table um yeah, Megan Fox posted uh yeah a picture of her machine gun Kelly or her standing in front of a table in an Airbnb. She said, when I tell you that this table at the table at this air and b Airbnb saw some things and then a sweating like like red face sweating emoji, and then machine gun Kelly commented, I'm really glad that's not our table anymore, only to assume that they did amazingly sexual, filthy things on the table. I love it. Or they just like cooked a like tuna or something gross, eggs, salad hand, maybe they're maybe my mom a dip callback bomb. And then um, so all these people in the comments are like, they know they can just text this stuff to each other, right when your relationship has no depth, so you have to compensate on social media. Imagine being the Airbnb owner and coming across this that one was good. Some things should just stay private for a reason. Cringe, so Edgy, I just hope no one took a dump on anyone on that table. Um. And then it's like, this is too much, y'all. His daughter is on the Graham. Dear God, please deliver us from Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly once and for all. So all these people are just like you too much, So I wrote, I think I'm the only one who liked this. I think it's hot when couples flirt publicly in comments, but maybe that's just me. And that's true, especially these two. They're hot. I like to hear about sexual escapades that they're having. And yes, I said, and yes, they could have texted this to each other and kept it private. But aren't details about celebs private lives what we crave as a celeb obsessed culture in the first place. It's funny that when when they offer it to us like this, we're like, no, gross t M. I we wanted this info, but we would have preferred to get it without your consent via dum wa after you were seated next to someone at a restaurant who eaves dropped on your private convo. And I don't even read the comments that got so comments by celebs. They're fans of mine, and so they pinned it because it's a good fucking point and they actually support being celebratory of celebrities, not mean, and they pinned the comment. So it has like four thousand and something likes, and I'm so glad it does because there's no arguing that, Like, I don't even want to read the comments, there's no arguing that these people that follow comments by celebs love celebrities, love Seleb Goss. That's what we buy us weekly for stuff that we're not allowed to know. But when they give it to us, we go we don't want it, we want it in a way that makes that is intruding into your life, my own, my own, my own encountered at is how many likes did Megan Foxes post get? Like they get enough love where it should drown out the hatred. I know, but this is I'm just saying, these are this account is has culminated in not Megan fox fans. These are celebrity fans, fans of celeb culture and so for so many people on this to hate on them. And by the way, if this was a gay couple, like two gay guys, everyone would be like, that's so saucy, like they are so jealous of these two, as am I so jealous of machine Gun Kelly and Megan Foxes passionate relationship that will burn out eventually. Women could get mad at like other women that who had kids got divorced and then are like living their best life. They're like, but I'm stuck with my four kids, still making pancakes every morning. I want to I want to machine gun cut Like I think there's you're someone who comments on celebrities in a negative way, You're just so sad. And I used to do it too, and I you know, I still talk about people behind their backs, like with my friends, like celebrities and be like, oh, I hated what you want to look at this post from Blah blah, like we all made fun of Britney Spears until it was a mental health issue. Well, there's something to you commenting on commenters that is in the Saint there. It's not in the but I don't want to read it. I know that I got so many so much hate in there because I was calling these women out. They're all women. I mean, there's some gay men in there too, but it's mostly women and um and I know that they hated because people don't like when you hold up a mirror and it's inarguable that you see that. Hamdrop. Let's get to Reddit dump karaoke Moon, this is your redit dump. Here we go. This one was so fun. It's from the reddit. Um so bread it made me smile. Did you see this? It was a TikTok It went around so much. It was this mom that said, tried to embarrass my child. Total fail. So it's a mom who pulls up to uh pick up our kid from like soccer parties. This guy looks to be about in sixth grade and he's all of his guy friends are standing like in the shade by the tree after soccer practice or whatever. She pulls up. She has her windows down and she's blasting I'm a Barbie girl in a and the kid comes over and he starts dancing to it, kind of like trying to get his friend's attention. Like yeah, he's not even like trying to he's just like enjoying it. And then what happens in the background is so funny. All of the kids just start like it's almost like they're trance to dance. They're not even trying to dance to be weird, They're just enjoying the song. That Not only were they not I could say they were conceived to the song, but their parents aren't even old enough to know this song. I mean, I'm a Barbie Girl was a hit in I want to say, and these kids parents are like younger than me. But look at this, Andrew, watch this and enjoy it. So just press replay and we'll we'll post this on our Instagram story by the time this So the kid opens the door, look at all the kids in the background, like a love that that kid is probably cool too to begin with. I bet yes, yes, let's be honest, like this mother was not trying to further bully her son who's coming home crying, being like I don't have any friends. When my brother tried to get me with sour cream, saying it was ice cream, and then I ate the sour cream glass for seconds and showed him. I was like, this is the best ice cream I've ever had. Sour cream Anyway, that's so funny at backfires. And by the way, parents trying to embarrass your kids, what are you doing? Why would you try to make the childhood experien of being just feeling like just such a loser constantly and out of place. It's about their attention grow up. And I was thinking about even the Jimmy Kimmel challenge that was like, tell your kids that you ate all their Halloween candy? Have you seen that there's so much trauma from Jimmy Kimmel based on these four year olds even for thirty seconds thinking their parents ate all the candy. The level of like these kids just go what what? And they cry and even when the parents like, I'm just kidding, it's the damage is done fired and is And honestly, I think that the Santa thing sucked me up so bad in terms of trust with my parents that um, it just led to never trusting them again about anything because I I once I knew he wasn't real from friends at school and confronted my dad. I'll never forget being like Dad, Lauren wasn't even in the room because I wanted it to be like just between us and I'd be like I even said, I'll keep the gimmick going for her. I need to know is Santa real? And his foot was shaking so violently it looked exactly my foot because we had the same feet. His bunyan was just the Richter scale. It was a six point seven. And I looked at his foot and I remember his dumb tiva and I remember being like and he kind of smiled like and and he paused, and he just goes, He's real, and I was just like, WHOA you're lying to I knew he was lying because I knew Santa wasn't real because everyone at school and told me whee, but they would no, because that's for me and my dad. My dad would never face that was someone else that would be cheating on my dad. Santa. I saw Nikki getting bounced on sands knee. Underneath that song is about a kid witnessing his mom cheating on his dad with a mystical man who delivers presents. Next, not even a callback mom. The next subret is asked credit one of my favorites. Guys, I'm not even getting you. If you can't sleep and go on go on Reddit and just go to ask Reddit and read people's responses to these interesting questions. My favorite subrettit is asked credit. They said, tattoo artists have Reddit. What is the most fucked up thing you've ever tattooed? Um? This one said, I knew a guy who lost some bet with another group of friends and he had to get a tattoo of scratch from ice age on his inner thigh reaching for his nuts. I mean that's hilarious this one, Um, what were you gonna saying? No, no, no, no, yeah, I just I mean, that's on you forever. One kid got a steaming toilet ball on his ass in college. That was pretty funny. Oh wow, a steaming toilet Why just he thought it was funny. It doesn't make any sense. My friend, my friend got your name tattooed on his ass and senior year, which was you know, I have your name tattooed on my ass and people go, no, your name and it's late a few times a bit, maybe, yeah, one guy said. One one girl was an aspiring porn star. Um, and my friend tattooed her butt hole to make it more appealing, more appealing pink color. Oh all right? Um? He A guy wanted the thumbs up with modio on his taint. Apparently he wanted everyone down there to know he appreciates a job well done. He's hairless, he could just say good job, you know, and a woman you're so like. Also, you don't see a man's taint when you're blowing him, so it would be better if it was like above his dick, who has a hairless taint. Yeah, um uh there's one. This one was I saw some weird This is interesting. This guy soft weird tattoos because he worked as a like e M t like in a hospital where they cut off people's clothing, you know. Last second, saw a guy with a genie coming out of his butt hole up to the small of his back, peeking out over his seat of his pants I imagine. Saw another guys, sweet looking grandfatherly type, had what looked like a home like a home down slash prison tattoo on his penis that said suck it. Um. Saw a woman with the rolling stones lips tongue thing inside of her armpit. Must have hurt like hell. And then saw a guy with an eight ball on his dickhead. He said it was a thing from his days in the Marines. Apparently there's a tattoo place near Camp le June. That will give you free tattoos for life if you can get an eight ball on your dickhead. Oh, so like you get that and then the idea like this guy doesn't have any other tattoos. He's just like, no, I'm just eating for the eight ball on my dicky so I can get a bles on my dick forever. How did guy get a tattoo? This one is a tattoo artist. Howd a guy getting a tattoo of his wife fingering her own ass while she sat and watched me tattoo it on him. Interesting experience trying to get the shading on her laby it just right while she was peering over my shoulder. Uh noah, we have one minute left? Is that what I'm guessing? Okay? Um oh this one was great? Uh this aid dating. This is from the subreddit Dating Advice Dating Underscore Advice Males in a relationship. Why do you guys follow slash like Instagram models when you're in a relationship? Generally curious why some males do this? Someone said, I don't do it when I'm single, so I wouldn't in a relationship. Okay, that's not interesting. Cool? We get it, you're such a good guy. Um, this one girl. This is from a girl high new perspective. I'm not an Instagram model, but I am a minor fitness influencer, so I've got a larger the most following. The number of messages I get from men in relationships is astounding for me personally. It's good to have followers and people that engage slash, follow my content or buy my workout plans. However, if you've got a man, for instance, and he doesn't work out and I'm not his personal trainer, why is he liking following messaging. I think it's reasonable if your man is into fitness, but blah blah. So then another person said, we haven't still gotten any guy. I found a good guy whom I wanted to start a relationship with, but unfortunately ended up crossing him off the list because of this. He literally followed over a thousand model accounts on i G and a couple accounts would have been cool, but that guy's number was way too much for me. Um. Someone said, I stopped it as soon as I got into a relationship because I felt like looking at other women and getting off to that whilst being in a relationship felt like cheating, and my girlfriend thinks like that too, So it depends on each person. Let's go into final thought on this one, because I have a lot of thoughts. Yeah, I just think it's funny that the guy that follows a thousand, he's like, it was over four years. That's one girl, but it's like one girl, it's one follow every few days, you know what I mean, like him like like trying to be like and what is porn? That's just curated porn, like if you get off to women that aren't. I mean, Instagram also has it, so they're not explicit images. So what's the difference between a guy curating the kind of like women he looks likes to look at that are not doing explicit things and having that to jerk off too when you're not around, because it feels more personal then because because you could d M them, they could follow you back. There's just Instagram feels out of all the social media's too, it's like the one that feels more of a human connection. I feel. I don't know. I'm so turned on by the idea. If I found out a guy a date was dating was following a bunch of accounts, like I would look like you know, I will just be like wait, can we look at it together and you like tell me what you're into, and like, I don't know, it would just like horn me up. I think anything before I think after you have made it official could be. I'm just saying though, like I think that's when a woman would draw the line. I just I think this is another case of like do you like especially when the guy was like she would consider it cheating why, because do you really what do you want him to set up a fake account of all? Because when you're hiding stuff, I just think that like I don't know, I don't want my man to be closed off to thinking women are attractive. I'm sorry if you're also like a fitness model and you're like pretty much showing your ham drip, yeah, like that's what you can't You can't be like I want this ten percent of like horny men. It's like, yeah, you're profiting from like let's not like your ham drops out. If it was a thousand accounts, I'd be like, this is kind of weird. But if a guy just had an account where like all his whole feed was just women he thought were hot and like stuff that he liked to look out when he was about to jerk off, and and and by the way, I feel like if I'm in a relationship that I'm getting the sex I want, a guy's not really going to have much time to jerk off. And even if let's say our relationship kind of enters a sexual slump and he starts masturbating again, I don't want him to. Just if he could only think about times we've been together, or like I only use pictures I've sent them, that would be like I would feel like sad for him because I wouldn't want that as a woman. Yeah, you don't want him jerking off like a scared deer either. Where It's like like my mom when she like she wouldn't be allowed to smoke cigarettes in front of us, so she'd have to like hide the cigarette or smoke. You don't want your guy having to like hide in underneath a carpet to jerk off with fear of being found. That's the thing that I've been like, No, I've been reading the book The Answers from the pat Alan, the woman who wrote the Getting Too I Do book about relationships and masculine and Feminine Energy has this other book that's kind of consolidated all of her like biggest like messages, and I sped through it because there's so much good stuff. Um and the thing that I really got from it that I am probably going to reference a million times the rest of my life and on this podcast, is you have three options when you're faced with a behavior in a relationship that you're not okay with. And I'm not telling people out there to be okay with your guy liking Instagram models if that doesn't feel good to you, Like, you're allowed to have that not feel good to you, and you're entitled to that feeling because you can't even help that feeling, and you don't need to get over it. But what you do need to do is accept it reject it. And those are your only two options. You do have a third, And what's the third, Noah, don't tolerate it. It's accept tolerate. There's accepting, rejecting and tolerating. No. Tolerating is in between those two. So let's say, for instance, we're dating and you have I find that you're following a lot of Instagram thoughts, and I go and I don't like it. It doesn't make me feel safe. I would say to you, Andrew, I know that, um you probably don't follow these accounts with any attention of cheating on me, and it's probably just something you would use to jerk off before we were together and now we're together, and it doesn't make me feel safe because I've been a cheated on in the past. Black. These are my feelings. I just don't feel like you should have that. And if you say I really like those accounts and um I and you you still want to look at them, you either have to decide to accept my stance reject it. Yeah, we both, we both, but let's start with you. You either have to accept what I've said, which is okay. I'll stop following them because um I, no, no, no, sorry, yes, Accepting would be I accept that Nikki has feelings about this that don't match mine, but I accept her for the thing that is different. I think she's wrong because she is. It's not a threat to our relationship. I know it is it. Even though she's wrong, I accept that she's wrong, and I will I will totally honor that and I will stop following those accounts. And I'm not going to sneak around about it, because that's tolerating. Tolerating would be okay, I'm going to tolerate this her aggression and pacify her and then do what I want anyway. And also even if you don't do what you in the name way, if you have resentments of like I really want to keep following those but she's doing, that's tolerating when a lot of times you and I get into arguments and I tolerate your behavior, whether that rather than accept you for what you do and don't do or reject it, which is okay if you continue, well, um, rejecting you were rejecting me in this this made up scenario would be I like following those accounts and I'm not going to stop. And so I don't think we can work because that's something that you know, I don't see myself being able to not do, and it's part of who I am. I'm attracted other women. I think it's a uh micro uh. This is like a small indication of things down the road that will come of jealousy, and I don't like that. So I think we should call it quits. But then I can either accept you and say okay, I accept that you like watching these Instagram models. I have to really accept it and do the work on it. I mean, this isn't just like snap your fingers, Okay, I'm fine with it. It will start out as tolerating, but you need to do work of Like if I want to be with this person, I have to accept them fully and not try to change them or tolerate it. Because Toller, I realized, I thought tolerating and accepting we're the same thing. Until I read this, I thought, but that's the difference. Like so much of our arguments have been you tolerating me and being like, yeah, I see what your point, Okay, yeah, I'll change or me going yeah, you're right, Okay, I am like, you're right, I'm gonna keeping annoying. I'm gonna be keep being annoyed by him, but I'm gonna keep it quiet instead of actually when I'm annoyed by him, thinking to my doing the work and going, Nikki, do you accept him or reject him? Either move out or learn to live with him? But you cannot be what it's in between. It will lead to the rejection, and will lead to a rejection that does not is not a rejection with love. Now this is this is about rejecting with love or accepting with love? I love. Wait are we doing a real life scenario? Are we still doing? No? I mean we like I I realized they can work in any it's getting blended and I my my my example at the beginning. But I just if this is like interesting to you at all? I really the book is to nine on Apple Books. It's The Answers and it's like it's written by another woman, but it's all of Dr Pat Allan's like kind of quips. And I talked to front. My friend was visiting some family recently, and she was feeling really anxious about um, a person or family that makes like kind of bullies are kind of like does a person or family is like me, no it all? I have the final say, I've done the research. I'm telling you like it is, this is a thing that you do that behavior because I know it. And she disagrees a lot of times, but she's so scared of this person of talking back to this person and standing up for herself that she just shuts down and goes like, Okay, well maybe we'll just talk about it later. And then resentment builds and this person. I realized. I go, because I'm like this person you're talking about, I know that when you just shut down and like get quiet and don't stand up for yourself, it makes me fucking furious because the other day my sister literally goes, you're a know it all. She was like, why does everything you say you sound like you're it's it's not even like a suggestion, it's like it's the final word. Because I was talking about God and I was like, I know there's a God now and I've let God into my heart and I know that's hard for the family to recognize, but like, I know there's a God. And my sister goes, you're such a know it all, like maybe there isn't a God, like do you And I go, I'll entertain the idea that I could be wrong, but I know that I'm right, and I actually thank you for standing up for me. I go, Lauren, thank you, because I needed to hear that I was being a know it all. My tone was not appreciated, so I told my friend, I go. I told her this example where I if you would have asked me before the conversation with Lauren, I would have been like, I don't want her to confront me and Sam and know it all that really hurt to hear in the moment. It hurts here and you know it all in your tone isn't good. And I was just like but instead I was like, Wow, my sister stood up for herself. The reason I get a bullying attitude, and I'm not justifying it, but sometimes the reason I go so hard is because I'm trying to get the person to to to stand up to me, to like tell me to because I don't want I don't want people in my life being doormats and so someone as they treat them like them to a point where they'll bust and like yell at me like you've done sometimes And then all of a sudden, I'm like, yeah, you're right, Like I just want behavior of like wanting to keep because well it's it's it's definitely character flaw of mind that either people have to accept or reject, and I have to work on myself of not. It made that moment where she stood up to me made me change my tone of how I approach things like so as hard as it is, and I've done this with people too that I'm scared of approaching, because your biggest fear when you we Gotta go are Your biggest fear when you confront someone about something you're scared about, is that they're going to go, well, fuck you, we're done. And let me just say that doesn't happen. It doesn't happen when you stand up and say, I don't feel good about how you're talking to me in your tone, and I'm gonna just walk away from this conversation until you decide to speak to me in a better tone. The amount like, it's the scariest thing to do. I swear, because usually you just go, yeah, you're right, okay always uh uh yeah, I see your point in you cower. Those people need to be stood up to and not stood up to, but they need to see you respect yourself enough to get away from them, and then they learn that they're toxic. I learned I'm toxic, so uh yeah, just looking stand up for yourself, Andrew, we gotta go. You really have to go on so sorry, So like life is like a ham drip. Guys, thank you so much for listening to the podcast. As always, we love you so much. Nikki Glazer Pod. Follow us on Instagram, rate and review on whatever podcasts after you use and uh noah, thank you and we'll see you tomorrow. Don't be kid, and we leave it

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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