The Nicky podcast Natas here's Nikki. Oh isn't that lovely? We just recorded that at breakfast with all my best gals here in Tuloom, Mexico. There um big fans of the show, and so they've been singing it all weekend. And I gotta say a song with my name in it. It's a double edged sword. It like feels good, but it also feels ridiculous, and uh, but it was so fun. Noah came down to breakfast after she had left to prep for the podcast. I was like, I'll be up in ten minutes. We're finishing a conversation about anxiety and like depression and finding and talent and all these things, just trying to figure out our lives. And then Noah came down with all our equipment, was like, can I get you guys to record the intro? And it was so fun to do and uh, what a great little memory. It's the last day here in my vacation, on my vacation into Loom. Uh it has been Yesterday was so fun. We went to the pool again, we got COVID tested. We uh what else did we do? We went to dinner. We I don't know, we're just like relaxing. There's no activities, there's no like I know that we're supposed to go see some marshes or something with a bioluminescence, but we're just haying and talking. It's so fun. No, Uh, we've played the game on the show before. But the new game from uh Sex Therapist author many other titles, probably like you know, doctor Esther Perel created a game called where should We Begin? Right? And um, we were like we played it on the show before and we were like yesterday picking cards and and I really was like, I don't know if this game is going to bring out the best stories within. Once we were all at a pool, like at a fun festive pool where the the vibe is like you know, vacation pool, and um, one person cried, one person revealed something never like everyone was revealing things they've never revealed before. It was a really good game. If you I really recommend that where should we Begin? It's just a question game. And um, it's kind of like cards, Cards of Humanity, whatever the hell uh that thing is. But it's it's that simple, but it just generates. I just love good deep conversation and people being vulnerable and sharing things that they don't normally talk about, and that's just what this vacation has all been about. And it's funny because I know all of my friends deepest things or like most of them, you know, like their stuff, and they're slowly like revealing things like I'm just like, you guys have this, and like there's things that are connecting where I'm like, I know this one person struggles with this type of anxiety disorder and I know someone else does, but they're both hiding it, and I'm like, when are they going to talk about it, because then they're gonna go like I do that too, but I can't go like I'm trying to like set my friends up. It's like it's almost like, um yeah, setting someone up, like I know you'd love this guy, and you should go in a blind date. But it's more for like um o c D behaviors with my friends. I'm like, you guys both do this weird quote unquote weird thing. Um yeah, It's been really fun. I woke up this morning really congested, and whenever I go for like doctor's tests, I always get back that like you have a lot of inflammation, which never sounds good or feels good, but I felt very inflamed this morning. Just um, my tongue as like a sore on it. Which, yeah, you think I'd be drinking monster energy drink. That's not the case. It's from hitting my tooth because my tongue is swollen because I ate so much popoca nosha last night. It's my favorite food. Bobocados is made with eggplant, and I also ate a lot of tomatoes. So there's a type of vegetable or whatever called nightshades white potatoes, tomatoes, eggplant, bell peppers, chili's guard in huckleberries. Yeah, I just was eating so many garden huckleberries last night and goji berries, and I'm looking up nightshade allergy uh, toxic chemicals within the plant which protected from mod molds and pests. And that's what I'm It's I'm reacting to the alkaloids. Uh. And yeah, hives and skin rushes don't have that itchiness Nope, nausea nope, vomiting nope, excessive mucus production helly yes, achy muscles and joints. I mean, I thought I had COVID last night because I was feeling so bad and inflammation, um, and my tongue swolled up and it sucks because it's so ironic. That is literally my favorite food, and um, I can't have it anymore. And I just felt like ship this morning. But Noah busted out some leaves. She was like, I think it's a named anti inflammatory and I was like, oh, yeah, I've heard that before, and um yeah boom. I'm done. I feel I feel so much better now, still a little congested tomorrow, I'm I'm it's so wild being here on vacation because I haven't been sleeping great like usually on vacate when I have time off from work where I'm really not working, I like to like sleep in. But I'm living with someone who is a rooster apparently, and Kirsten is in my we're roommates right now, and she is used to waking up at five am to start training people, and so I just I've been waking up early and we've you know, we've been getting up early, doing a thirty breakfast. That's not nikki on vacation, but I'm with a group. I want to get as much out of it as I can, and I feel I feel exhausted at the end of this trip, even though but in a good way, because I've just been talking a lot and staying up uh and not sleeping enough eating so well. But tomorrow I go to San Antonio for my kick off to my tour on Friday night, and um, I think tickets are probably still I don't check numbers. It's one of my flaws, is like I don't look into details of things at all, and um, because I'm too scared that no tickets will be sold and so I'd rather not know. Um, but that's not the case. I think they're selling very well. I tomorrow when I land in San Antonio and meeting Anya and Matt, her boyfriend Matt pond p a singer songwriter, my tour manager, my assistant Jen also my dorm manager, uh, Andrew and Globs of Chango, my dance partner from Dancing with the Stars. He's going to choreograph a new dance to close out our show for us. We've been doing one that Sarah Lena, my friend, had a career AFT a couple of years ago, and we need to move on from that and do a new one. And glub Is keeps writing me like what kind of dance do you want to do? And I'm like, club, we aren't good dancers. Make it silly, make it fun. I'm really just I just want you to be there, and I want to hang out and I want to like be in a practice space with you again and just have fun. And uh, it's it's going to be very fun. It's it's that's why I'm doing it. Like I don't really think we need a dance to close out the show, but it's just fun. And we were just talking about that at lunch. We're at breakfast about you know how, you know a couple of the girls here, actresses that have won. One just started acting. She was model since she was thirteen. Now she's like a couple of years ago she's gotten acting. And another, like Carlile, has been doing stand up and acting for a while. And they're both like kind of lamenting about the business and we're just talking about, you know how so much of things is luck and how do you even you know, with Carlisle is like, do you even like acting? She's like, well, I've never gotten to do it, so I don't know. Which is hilarious, but uh, I was like, you gotta find stuff, hopefully if you're lucky and not everyone has this luxury that you know you because everyone was always like, Nick, you work so hard, and I've just never been able to let that sink in. And I know why. It's because my work doesn't feel like work, because I enjoy it. And for me, work equals dread and like getting through something and being like done, like shutting my biology book and being like done homework. Now I can watch Dawson's Creek, you know, like there's no reward, there's no you don't get to say you worked unless you hated it. And that's just not true. And you know, I was playing guitar yesterday and Selene and I kind of started playing guitar at the same time last year, picked it up at the same time, and we're like, yeah, let's get good at it. And I just practice more and she's like, you're so good. Oh my god, you're so good. And I was like, there's no natural talent going on here, there's no honestly, certainly, it's just I play sometimes four hours a day, and I play every day, and I bring it with me on the road. I don't skip a day because I'm obsessed and I like it, and so just find a way to like it stop. You know, for me, that's not taking guitar lessons and learning scales. I would not stick with that, and I'm probably not going to be a good enough guitarist because of it. But that's just not that's not gonna happen for me. I just learned songs. I want to learn to feel my feelings and that's the way I'm learning guitar. And it's definitely a slower process, but at least I'm enjoying the work, even though it's like shittier work. Um, I'm like, you just need to find a way to you enjoy the work because it all comes down to hours, how many hours you put into something. That is why I do this podcast four days a week. I mean it's also so that I feel like I work every day even though it doesn't feel like work, because I love it. But I also recognize that if I want to be the best, it's something I just know. It's all about ours. Anyone that you look at, you can't you really. I recommend this book of the Talent Code because it talks about how talent is not what you think. It is, like people are born with it. Beyonce is one of their like chapters of like everyone thinks Beyonce was just born dancing and beautiful and confident and had that voice. And yes, she has probably musical blood people like you know, her family probably has generations of like being musical, and some people are predisposed but without But then they talked about Beyonce was in a boot camp since she was very were young, Like we're talking single digit kid working hours and hours and hours a day. That's why gymnasts, these little gymnasts and athletes. When you want to be an Olympic athlete, you don't have a childhood. You just train all day. Like Kirsten used to be a really good gymnast, still could be. And when she her and I started gymnastics classes, I did not like it as much. I also wasn't naturally good at it, so I was just like funk this she was. She stayed with it, she started doing gym gymnastics. Suddenly my best friend couldn't hang out out of for school. Three hours of practice every single day, and it's just like that's because the adults running USA Gymnastics know that they have to turn There's no other way to get good at gymnastics. You can't do one hour a day tumbling or one one class a week. They know that if we're gonna make this girl or any of these girls an Olympian, but before she starts her period, which is when she will start, Like Kristen said that the second she started her period, like a month later, she quit gymnastics because she was like a woman and she was just like two voluptuous for the like vault and yeah, they they know, like adults that are behind these uh you know boy band, the Mickey Mouse Club. They're literally in Houston. In this book The Talent Code, there is a place you go, like a farm, you go to where you get good at singing and dancing and being a pop star. And Beyonce went to that place a bunch of other people. I forget. I read the book years ago, and you know, I only read a third of it, and I was like I get it, and um, and you know Andrea Agassi's book. He was like, I tennis was my life. So these people that you go, you look at and you just go cut, they're so good. It's just the hours they put in. And so I want to be Howard Stern some days. So I just realized like, I can't be Howard Stern unless I do. He was on the radio every day for five hours for like and still you know, still most days, uh, for decades. And so I've got I can't do one podcast a week. I gotta do it four days a week if this something that I really want to do. And it is because the older you get, the less you want to tour, the less you want to right material, the more you just want to be and do something that's easy that allows you to have a life where you can indulge in things that actually bring you joy. And so yeah, I'm setting myself up to have a radio career, broadcasting career by just banking those hours. Um. So yeah, if your feel discouraged ever about someone else's talent and you're like, but we started at the same time, or just like, look at how many hours you put into it. It's not the same as that person's And that's the only reason. And it's not about putting in those hours and just going like, I don't want to find a way to make the practice work for you, or find a parent that forces you to do it before you have legal authority over yourself. And that's how you get good at things essentially. Andrew, for instance, I just gave him as an example. I was baffled at how good And you know, Andrew tell me how good he is at golf every day and like we'll either tell me like, oh I hit this, and he'll tell me how other people hit and I go, okay, Andrew's good. Like from these stats, I realized Andrew is a good, very good golfer. Where did this come from? I don't remember him golfing, and it turns out he was golfing all the time before I met him. He went through stages of life where he golfed just like this at hours and hours a day for years. So there's an explanation for people's talent. It's not when you look at yourself and go, why can't it be like that? It's because they put in more time, and you didn't see them put in the time, so you just assume they did everything you did. They didn't, they didn't, they didn't. Taylor Swift, for me, is one of them where I compare myself to her a lot and want to be her and like, oh my gosh, she's so magical, Like yes, she was had a childhood that made she had parents and like people around her that probably encouraged her to I mean, my parents encouraged me to read. But she was a voracious reader. She journaled a lot. She was also like a dork that didn't have friends, so she would like, you know, be in her bedroom and journaling. She liked it, like that was all she was songwriting from the time she was twelve, she was playing guitar. She like loved it early on, and that's why she's Taylor Swift. It's like, yes, some of that is natural and just born with it, but you can be born with it and if you don't put in the hours, it ain't going to be nothing. So I don't know what I'm trying to say here. It's just like, stop comparing yourself to people that you think you know what they've put into it, and you think it's the same as you. The only reason they're better is because they just found out a way to put more hours in and because maybe they have a life that doesn't demand maybe they were born with money so they don't need to get a day job, so they can take that day job time and put more hours. And some of it's just not fair. But if you can find a way to fit in those hours, you're gonna get as good as them. And that's the only thing differentiating you from the people that you listen to on the radio or the people that in your business that you go, God, I wish I could do that. I'm just never going to be that because I'm not. It's just it's not. It's not. They're not special. They just did the work. So let's do the work today. Let's get Andrew in here. Andrew alrighty, hey Andrew, and yet we go on? Yeah, yeah, how's it going in Chicago? Are you taking off? Taking off after this? Ready to hit the roode? What was your last night with Brenna? Light? Like, what's the what's the vibe? You're saying goodbye? When's the next time you're gonna see each other? What are we? What are we? The vibe is good. She met so much of my family last night. We did a family dinner with my aunt Donna, my uncle Scott, my aunt Lisa, my cousin Mikey, my cousin Sam. Like literally she met like eight people and she killed it, handled it like a tamp. She liked my aunt Donna, which was surprising because no one does and uh, she my aunt like whatever, it's a long history, but she just she just stares. You ever talked to someone who stares through your soul while they talk to you And you're like, what are you? Andrew? We know? Yeah, do you? I'm thinking about someone that we know that does that. But so, yeah, we know someone that, yes, I know exactly what we're talking about. Where you're just like and then you will look away and you can feel them still staring at you, or you get nervous when you talk because they're just staring too intensely at you, and you're like, what I'm saying is not that important? Like I'm talking about my like that I think I might have eggs ema on my neck, you know, like, and they'll look at you like you're telling them about like your time overseas feeding service and you're just literally saying that you got a coffee at Starbucks earlier, and they're like what, yes, what was that. It's like, no, I didn't kill your son, Like, get away from me. I get stage fright when those people look at me too intensely, Like I just like I kind of like start mumbling and I just don't know what to say, because I'm just like, it's too much pressured you're looking at me. She was nice though that like she liked and Don like we got in the corners, like, you know, I really like I like your aunt Donna. And I was like, and then you were able to like Antona threw her No I hate her more. Um no, no, I like Antona. She's just she's a lot, but um, you know. And then uh, I played golf yesterday. I tied my uncle, who I always let beat me, not on purpose, but just like he's the older guy. He's very competitive, extremely competitive, and he's very consistent and he always beats me in golf. And yesterday I tied him and I shot a thirty nine on the front nine. I literally broke forty for the third time in my life. And as congrats, is this the first time you broke fourt you since you've been playing this this time in your life? Congrats? So that felt really good and so we had. I had a great day yesterday, played golf. Um went to dinner. Could you have beaten him? But you did you? Did you just tie him like as tying to you like as far as you can go? Did you? Yeah? Maybe maybe so you could have gotten thirty eight. Look there there was there was a ruling on the core where he changed the rule after he funked up on a hole, and you let it go because he's um multi multi multi multimelion. I mean, that doesn't help my fight. He was paying. I'm guessing he was paying for the stay out. He bought me a shirt shirt after the game, and I was like, all right, you know what, I'm glad we tied because this is a nice Peter Mellah, I don't know, some golf shirt that's like a really nice quality. And then I got stains. I got pasta all over it at dinner later, so I showed him. But anyway, I love you. About leaving, I said, I love you this morning. Oh I knew it was coming. Oh my god, wait this morning, how did you do it? Go? I gotta get on the podcast. I need material. I love you. And then no, I we were we had morning um intercourse and uh and uh uh. I think we were like getting done. I wasn't insider. But then she she got a forty one on this course. She was one over part with you always, so she was on top of me and I just I just was looking at her and we're no, not daring, not daring or during Um, okay, so she was on top of you for after sex and we were just cuddling thinking about me leaving. Why did you have to tell us she was in top then? I don't know if that wasn't the part where she said I guess if I was looking down at her and see more I'm more auntnna like. But it wasn't then that she you told her. It was after Yes, it was after sex and then she was on top of me and I just go, I love you, and she goes, I know you do, and I love you too, and she goes, There's been so many times I just wanted to say it, and I go, actually, just the first time I felt it. Yeah. Usually happens like that where you're like so like you want to say it so many times and then you like you stop yourself, but it's just in the air, like you can both sell it. Yeah, and it felt it felt good. It feels it feels good. Um and yeah, no, I don't know. It was a great trip. I mean, I mean, have you said that to to anyone? Just my girlfriend? And okay, did she say it? Back, um reluctantly or maybe to a guy behind me, and I just stood in between them. I just caught it. She just said I love you too, and she was talking about the band. She's like, that's the way I can do it. And before I, um, what's going on with you? Are you guys? Look? Wait? I want to hear like are what are your feelings about? Like? Uh, what's the plan? Everyone hears like what's Andrew gonna do? Like what are they going to stay together? I go, yeah, they'll just see take a day by day. When's the next time you'll see you? Look at the schedule? Um, yeah, I mean probably i'd say three weeks from now. I would try to make something happen, you know, yea hopefully. Um. It's hard. Yeah, I'm not trying to like overthink it. Uh, but you know we also we're not working like we're working under underthinking. I'm underthinking it, which I normally under I'm always under except for pa, you know what I mean? So yeah, I'm not. I just yeah, I'm where I Yeah, sure am I little worried? But you know she could have moved to a city also that like I hate it like I love it here like, I have family here, so like I'm just you know, I could see you ending up in Chicago. Yeah, I mean it is a great town. Yeah, it's just so cold. I'm tired of sucking winters where it's it's cold. It's anything. I don't think unless like in like five to ten years from now, but I don't see that happen in the car. Yeah, take a day by day. I'm just like, I'm I'm a little bit feeling anxious about just the COVID news just becoming more like masks are back, Like, you know, in our building the other day, it was like master back on Monday, so you know, we have to wear masks in the building, and it seems like everyone's kind of backed. It's just scaring me that, you know, there's a tour that I'm doing, there's there's just it's just I'm a little bit better prepared for a lockdown again because I have a house or a place. Um, but I'm just like, I haven't even been reading the news. I just wrote to any know, I was like, because she always knows what's going on, I'm like, will you tell me what you think it's going to happen, Even though like what does she know? But she yeah, she assuaged my fears, but also increased them too. I don't know, what do you think? Um? From what I saw, the delta variant is very contagious, but there are a lot of people vaccinated, so what could possibly happen. It could be a fast sweep and then unvaccinated people actually get the antibodies and then everybody is pretty much covered because don't have the antibodies. People will be vaccinated and life will go on, hopefully pray that being said, the tour will probably be canceled and we'll probably just end up laying in the living room with like candles lit and just playing Kumbay, all being meant to be regardless of what exactly exactly. Yeah, yeah, I think so this, Yeah, this trip is coming to an end tomorrow. Everyone's already talking about like leaving, and I'm just like, can we know it's not yet? Like I just hate the last day of a trip. It's almost like the last day of the trip isn't even a real day because everyone's thinking about packing and going home tomorrow and when we're gonna do this and like just overthinking, and I'm just like, let's just all underthink it, like it's all gonna be okay. We don't need to like obsess about okay, like I gotta pack later. It's just like, just can we just be easy. If you go on vacation, always take then when you get home, take one day off two which I saw. I think just add that day to whatever you think is the amount of days you want to spend, because it just will give you that extra because the last dapification does not counts. It's just like the resort is almost like over you being there. They're like they can't even wait. They're already like salvating at you leaving and not being I mean, we are so ridiculous. And none of us are drunk. That's the thing, is like no one here is drinking, and so when we are ob not just we go to this pool every day that's one of the sister hotels here, and like yesterday, the first day we went, we were so we weren't loud. You know what drunk people are a loud. We weren't loud. We were just being silly and laughing a lot. And you could just tell these couples on honeymoons fucking hated us. This guy looked at me with such disdain, waited for me to look over at him, and was just just and I go, I feel like he might be friends with someone that I've like hurt or something, or like I did some bit that offended him. Like it's felt so personal because it's just like sorry that we're reminding you that you your relationship is probably doomed because you're on your honeymoon and you're already bored with each other and the excitement of getting married and all that stuff that made you feel like this was good. It's all setting in that, like maybe you don't love her that much, and now you are like and she's jealous that she is not with her girlfriends, and you're sensing that and you're mad at her, and so you're sneering at me, you dick. So yesterday we showed up and those same people were there and we were just like, oh, they all hate us so much. Then we went to dinner and then one of the couples walked in to the dinner place and we were like, we bet they will just turn on a dime once they see us to walk out, because we just like, are we're just having fun, We're doing like silly things. We're not trying to be hot. We're not trying we're being gross. We're being like I was doing Butterfly the other day in the pool, and I just felt like ever, I felt so annoying doing it because it's just such an aggressive thing. But no one was in the pool except us. But there's people laying out and I wasn't splashing them, but I could just tell they were like piste off that I was doing Butterfly. And then we were pretending to be dogs that fell in the pool. Selena does a great impression of a dog that's just like, I don't want to be the water, just like the eyes go to the side and it's just like the dog paddles like and can't pay attention. Really, it's okay, Bailey, It's okay. And then she got out and like just shakes around like we were doing dog impressions. I mean, really, we were acting like children more than anything, but not even obnoxious children. People resent people having fun, and even I do when I'm on a vacation. I mean I'm projecting. I've been on vacations before where my boyfriend and I aren't getting along and I look at girls having fun and I fucking hate them, But it's really because I hate that I'm not well, yeah, I you know. We were was that hotel, the Roosevelt Hotel in l A. And I remember we did a swim like competition of like swimming freestyle then backstroke, then underwater and who could go to fastest. And it's like people looked at us like because they're all kid that everyone at that pools kicked and we're being you have to be killed. Some would say we're cooked because we're not caring about anyone else and we're being loud and ever, but we're just having fun, like a pool is made to play Marco Polo, Like that's what we've been doing our whole life. When did we stop Marco Polo in our lives? Like, get over it. It's just hearing people laugh loudly and just I mean, I get it. Whenever I'm at like a restaurant and there's a table that's just screaming, it's usually though precipitated by drinking, and I just know that those people aren't even gonna remember the times they're having because they're so drunk. And I'm just like, this is all for nothing shut up. But when it's or people on a plane that are super drunk that are just loud, like you just know a drunk person, they get so damn loud. The music last night was loud at this place and I was like, I'm gonna tell them to turn it down, and everyone at the table was kind of just like, please don't. That's gonna be so weird. The guy couldn't have been nicer about it, like it was fine, music is too loud in place and this is this is that kind of place, and I go, well, it shouldn't be. People are eating dinner, there's no one dancing. This doesn't need to be this loud, and they're like, but that's kind of the vibe here. It's like yeah, I know, but um it's not. This is a bad business model, Like people are trying to have these are all fam Lee's and like people wanting to talk during dinner and there's like this. It's just so I don't understand that. It's so funny because we went to Uh, there's a place called viagraa Triangle or viagraa Circle or something in Chicago where it's literally and girls with fake clips that are like in they're like late twenties whatever. And it's just like these old, like like greasy haired men that all look like, you know, like snakes in a Lamborghini and which is a new movie coming out with Samuel Jackson and and they're all just like And then we went into this place called Tavern on Rush and we go up and there's like seven fucking tables open outside right like, and I go, hey, can we, you know, come in? You know, I'm here with a very pretty girl too. It's not like I'm adding you didn't look at me in a circle. Wait you take Roman or whatever? Like you take well, yeah, well Romans the name of the brand. Man, I can get you some biagra here, by the way, like over the count It's it's nuts what I can get you down here? So major D or whatever. And I feel bad for these girls because they're being told by their manager like no, we gotta keep it exclusive. I was like, can I get a table there? Like we don't have any outside. I'm like, there's fucking forty five tables like open, and so we can sit you inside. We go inside and it's it's one it's like no, like four pm, and the music sang and me and brennant each other like you want to you want to leave, and we left and I felt so fucking good to leave because in the past, maybe to ask people to turn down music or leave a restaurant after they've already brought waters they brought, so what even if they brought your drinks, throw down a twenty and get the funk out of there, like, don't put Businesses need to know when they're failing their consumer by making it a bad experience, and it when you ask someone to turn down the music. Honestly, people are so passive and so scared to speak up for themselves. You know, they'll have something in their food and they'll just be like it's it's okay, or they'll so many times I've been at dinner with someone who gets the wrong thing and they don't eat it, and I go, what's going on there? Like they probably the wrong thing, but I just I just don't want to be like a bother. And it's just like if you're a waitress and someone said, oh, you brought me the wrong thing, would you take that personally and kill yourself? No, everyone can work with this that you're not like a bad person because you got the wrong thing that, you know, like, just ask for what you need and absolutely walk out of a movie if it sucks. Within the first thirty minutes, walk out of a movie. The guy Horrible Bosses the first one, and then I haven't gone to see really yeah, um no. I went with my friend Holly and I we were just so insulted by how I was so insulted that these brilliant comedic actors had written a movie that was appealing to such dumb people, like just thinking I'm an idiot, and like having to make jokes so dumb, having to make these characters so exaggerated. I felt insulted. I felt like being talked down to like a child. And I was just like, I don't want to nothing about I just was like, first of all, if you have a horrible boss, quit your job. Why not not kill your boss? Like that's stupid. Uh. It was within thirty and I went to the thing and I just was and the guy the box office didn't make the movie. It wasn't Jennifer Anniston in the box office, Like I didn't have to, you know, like the guy doesn't care he's making minimum wage. He'll give you your money back. He doesn't fucking care. So like when you and with the wagress at a restaurant, like talk about what you need, Like when I just, I honestly can't be friends with people after I see them just put their tail between their legs when they hate something and they just put up with it because they're at for it. With like a bad haircut, I'll tip more for some reason because I like getting treated terrible. I think it's because I've done it before too, and I just don't want to do it anymore. The time I got a chick and and what happened was I got the wrong order, and so I felt bad, and so I changed the order. I was like twelve on a vacation with another family and they brought out a chicken burrito and I swear to God, it was ice cold the chicken. I ate chicken that was uncooked too. When I was with Kerson's family when I was twelve, because I was scared of like I go, I think this is bad. It was literally just raw chicken breast. Oh God, but death definitely, you got like salmon, like deathly ill. I was puking all night. And Andrew, by the way, in the in the room alone, which I don't even think about, but whatever. But like yeah, but like I I'm one to do that. I'm one to not complain and just eat it and be like, oh no, I like it anyway. So so I'm gonna try to not think that. Like I'm sure people are listening being like I'm one of those people. Nicky would hate me. It's like I am one of those people too. I don't like to complain. I don't like to be a nuisance. But when you really break it down the people that you're complaining to, as long as you do it with like hey, you know, like I just don't like this. It wasn't what I actually wanted, and I'm so sorry, Like just be nice about it, because there are people that complain and they're horrible about it, anyone that works in the service industry or retail, you know, those people that like complain and think they deserve everything. This isn't what I'm telling you to do, a simple box office thing of hey, I just bought to take it. Horrible asses that was It's horrible, horrible, But like it's that I just didn't like it, and like I just like that's fine, and it's it's you can do it, guys. You can stand up for yourselves, and you can when you're especially when you're paying for something. And then if you if the person tells you, well, like because I've complained at some point and they go, well, that's just the way it is, and I go, oh my god, you know what. I didn't read the fine print. You're right. This did say this, and this movie did tell me it was horrible. It's in the name. I should have known. I don't my money. Just be nice about it. I can't. You're allowed to have opinions and not like things you're allowed quick. I think. I think it's like, we don't wanna this waiter that we will never see again, that we don't haven't like we care about people that we will. It's like on the golf course when some strangers watching you hit a shot and you hit shitty because you're worried about the stranger that you'll never talk to again, his attitude or what he thinks of you. You're his disappointment in you, but we value much. It's weird you do you got alone on this by at all. I know you're not, but I do not. Like when I was picking up Luigi's poop with some leaves, and you saw people watching me from this restaurant window. You ran away because you was so embarrassed. And I was just like, what is embarrassing about a girl that's not going to leave ship on the ground that forgot a bag. I'm not a bad person because I forgot a poop bag. It happens to everyone. If you're late for a flight and you go and you just you know, all you would have to do is ask the people in line to get ahead. I've said this before, probably, but it bears repeating. Just ask people ever, and people that give you two about wanting to cut in line so you can get to your flight in time. Our art you can just go. Have you ever been late for something? If they give you to go, have you ever been late for something? And would you have liked someone to maybe give you Everyone's been late everyone, but you could go, you could go. Oh, I was like, because I was hungover, I'm a piece of ship, like they It doesn't matter, it doesn't You didn't want to be late, like no one wants to be late. Just people should be kind. And so why were you embarrassed for me picking up shows. Just you don't see it often. You look it's a it's a crazy thing to look over those people think of me. What would not get that? But I'm just trying to wonder why be embarrassed? I just want I'm not trying to be in tatagonistic. I'm really trying to understand what about that? Because I feel almost weird that I was not embarrassing. You've gotten dogshit on your hand in front of me and be like ship on my hand, Like you just don't care about it. It's just something you're like, I pick it up with leaves most likely to ship won't get on me? Well, someone think that. I'm like, I eat poop. If I get poop up dog poop, I don't know why people would think I would be way work. I would be way more embarrassed if I left ship on the ground than if I picked it up with my bare hands. But that's just me. Let's get apparently you scrambling away that day I was I was like, you're such a pussy. You're banditing me because you're embarrassed. Then picking up poop with a leaf, I believe all right? Your having swells out there everybody hoping now that swells if you know what I mean, having a great time. I know it's the last day of here we go, Swell it up. Okay. The internet is giving Ashton Kutcher and Mela Kuna's heat after they said on a podcast that they don't believe in bathing their kids or themselves too much. Okay, what my friend wrote me yesterday asking me to ask all my girlfriends if we wash our vaginas with soap, because she says she doesn't because it stings and she just uses water. And she always thought you're just supposed to use water. And I said, yes, I do wash my vagina soap. I remember it stinging. When I was a child in the bath. I hated washing my vagina because my parents would be like, wash everything, and I'd be like, it's stings. But now it doesn't sting to wash my vagina with soap? Noah, do you wash your vagina with soap? Yeah? I do, but I use like natural soaps. Okay, but what about here in the where we don't have natural soaps? Oh? I mean yeah, of course, yes, I have to otherwise it like really stinks. Yes, that makes sense. What about Okay, so they don't bay their kids. Here's the thing. They won't. They won't bathe their kids unless they like see dirt. Ashton Kutcherd says he washes himself and wash his armpits and it's crotched daily, but nothing else ever. I literally, Ashton and I are the same. I don't wash my body. I just watched my crop am I under and my pits, and then I shaved my legs nearly every day because I'm hooking up. So I guess my legs get washed. But that's only to shave them. But there's no reason to wash your elbow unless it has poop on it because you were picking up some dogship, because you've got your leaves, because because it's fall. Oh no, then there'd be a lot of leaves. It's winter. Yeah, but um yeah, I don't. How many people out there wash their back? I get I bet you every guy listener right now, if we took a pole, I would say, of guys, don't wash their back. Your back has been fine your whole life. So I've never washed my back. I've never washed my back in my life. I've never washed I remember one time. Some people, what are you doing? Some people are fastidious about being clean, and I would argue that you're doing like I was talking to someone about how you have your toothbrush in the shower on the floor and by the drain, and they were like, oh my god, the germs. I go, the germs are not an issue that that is probably cleaner than the one by your sink. It's just it's just not a good look more than anything, you know, it's just like that just means you're not like taking care of yourself. You don't like your things like but the germs wise, I bet germologists could come in there and do uh one of those agg artests where they rub it on the gel and you see the mold, and I bet it would be less germs because you have water, and they go, but what about all the body stuff that's rubbing on your the twoth person, It's like no, it goes down the drain with like And that's why I feel about washing my hair with shampoo. The shampoo runs down my back. That's enough. I don't need to scrub my but what's happening to my back? If I have calm on my stomach? Like sometimes I have sex and it's like or like sexual relations and I get sweaty and like there's just spit and stuff, and then I'll really give myself a scrub. But no, I'm with Ashton and Mila on this one. And unless you start stinking just pits, you can do pits and crotch. All of my showers take less than two minutes. Then you read the article and it's like Cooness is like I didn't have hot water growing up as a child, so I didn't shower very much anyway. And then she's like, I also watched my face twice a day, so it's like it's not as absurd as the headline. You wash your face because you wear makeup and that's dirt and like collect stuff. But who is getting sick from their thigh women washing their face to microscopic? I believe you know what I mean, Like, even if you left makeup on tonight, I think you know, Brenda has a system where it's like it's like fifteen different things and it's like I think you can over maybe do it where your face is like, what this isn't natural? I put on mine has been that way before, but now I'm down to I washed my face, I put on a serum and then I go to bed in the morning, I washed my face, put on a serum, put on something, and then you have one And what's want to know or I don't. I'm not even gonna tell you because it's serious. I'm sorry, but I don't want to say why I don't. I don't want it to go off the market, and I just don't. It's I just don't want. It's took me years and years, and I just don't want to let anyone know. I use it as lube, I use it as every I use it for everything, and I, yeah, I do. I worry that it's going to sell out or the price will go up or um. Yeah, I don't know. This is me being like not a good person by not letting you know. But I just don't want to let you know, not even a hint. Maybe I got it. Are going to be going nuts? Best? Okay, listen Petty's will you just d M d M. The thing is, I won't be able to catch up with how many people? Okay, I'll tell you what it is one time, and I'm not You're not going to be able to write me again and go what was it again? I get so many mussages about what was the book to quit drinking Google Nikki Glazer Quit Drinking Book, Like, we don't need to have a discussion about this, but I do understand. There's sometimes on podcast where you hear it and then you don't write it down. It's called the ordinary plant squaw lane. Okay, there's my secret. Y'all can have it because Andrew asked, and I am. Now, now you're gonna surge the price up and it's gonna bug me. So I hope it works for you, the ordinary plant squaling, not the HEMI squalling, the plant squaling. I know. I'm trying to be like more honest, and all of all of my apprhenses about telling people is that I don't want people to be then now everyone's gonna get like, have good skin, and I want to be. I already have such shitty skin that I need an advantage and now everyone's gonna have this advantage. And that's my fear. But the thing is I do have good skin, and it's not from the squalling necessarily. It's from me like making eating well and um not picking up my skin and stuff like that. But yes, this stuff is great and you can use this. I feel I feel I'm really happy you did that. People turning. I mean I had two people were gonna I would literally stop listening to a podcast that a girl claimed to be my best friend, that she wouldn't tell me that fucking eight dollars squalling that I'm about before this comes out, I'm about to order about them. So good luck, bitches. I'm just kidding, but yeah, I would get it from You can get on Amazon or the Ordinary, and it's like eight bucks. It's so cheap, and it's I use it on everything. It's like a it's um. It's just something you can put on underneath your night creams, underneath your moisturizers, and it's like it's it's more hydrating than oil, and it doesn't have an oily like it won't. It does kind of sometimes stain things, but not as much as an oil, and it just goes on really glossy and fresh. And every time anyone's like, oh my god, you look amazing, I'm like, all I have is on is a squalling. It's like makes you look really um, greasy, but in a good way, all right. People turning to music into pandemic showed researchers and the same social brain networks activated when making music are also involved in social processes understanding others, empathizing, empathizing, and coordinating with others. All of these networks just read. I mean, are you reading the ingredients to the plant squalling? It sounds like you're reading like you're one of those guys. That's It's such for a antidepressant exclude the consult to talk to her. It was like that much good? But can I just so if you making music, it triggers the same part in your brain that socializing does. Yes. Absolutely. When I watched that songwriting um YouTube thing that was like how to write a song the Ted talk that it's talking about, Sarah Lena wrote a song because she heard the podcast that I talked about it. Um she wasrod a song called standing by a Wall or it was like, I don't know it's good, but anyway she in the thing they said that songs are stories. They're just meant before we were able to write things down and had like lang you know, uh yeah, before it could write something down before Guttenberg Steve Gutenberg, um the actor and how he was able to tell stories. I meant the printing press, but um, before we had able to do it. Songs were able. You could memorize them and then share stories through song, which is easier than just memorizing something that doesn't have a rhythm to it. So yeah, it makes sense. It's it's a social thing and it's meant more like a Swedish producer. They do everything. But yeah, they're like all stories, like your favorite your favorite songs are like stories. I would say, like the stories like what's your what is your favorite songs? Um or one of the just go through like I would say Clay Pigeons by Blaze fully but he's also rewritten or Redone by John Prine is probably my favorite song. And what about that song resonates with you? Or that's just a story about a guy that isn't happy of where he's at and so he's going to go back to Texas and like kind of just figure out his life. It's just a very simple thing and about him just trying to find happiness in the simple things. Did you discover the song in a point in your life where you were maybe in there? Sure? Yeah, I think because some people, like you know, I think when you're in New York City and you listen to a song about a hometown. Sometimes it will resonate with me, like just a simple song I just want easy living. It's like I I just wanted to get away from things, and I think songs can do that for you. It can bring you home. I guess. I know it sounds cheesy, but you know, I asked you this because I I think you have the same like um attraction to certain songs that I do. It's like, oh, because it's it says something that is very articulates your exact feeling. It's like you like kind of country folk, like specific lyrics that will like even evoke feelings about your own life that you can project your own life onto. Whereas some people like techno or metal, but like metal songs where the lyrics are like I don't understand liking those because it doesn't the lyrics don't tell a story to me. But I guess the anger and the like, what's what's the attraction to that kind of music? No, uh h, I guess for me, like a lot of the lyrics were about like rebellion and stuff like that. So and and the music is it does project emotion to like it goes with my rage or like anger and it's a it's a release that makes sense of it being just the grally you want to make, like when you're that like the yeah, the listen to when you're I mean, I guess I listened to hard rap. When I want to work out, you know, I'll listen to like um, you know Kanye or do you picture yourself as a rapper? Like I just think that my relationship with music is so based upon me being able to pretend I'm in the music video. But when you want to get you're angry and you want to even double down on that anger, like no, I listen. I listened to Love the Way You Lie by eminem and Rihanna. But generally it depends on what I'm angry about, you know, like, uh, if I'm mad at my dad, I want to listen to UM the Kelly Clarkson because of you. I want to find a song that's about being mad at your dad, or I want to find a song that I can or I'll change the lyrics to a song to make it makes sense for me a little bit more, because sometimes there are songs about women and I'm like, oh, I wanted to be about a man. Um so that like I always pick a song, but generally I always pick a song that if you were shooting the scene in which I was listening to, it would be a perfect music video for that song. Interesting. Yeah, No, I think I'm similar in those ways. I mean I never listened to music like outside of what my emotion is at the time. Like I mean, you know, it's just it's just weird when you're like sad and depressed and then you throw on like heavy I don't know, like fucking Metallica, which they do say that wallowing and like when you're depressed and listening to depressed music makes you more depressed and you should actually try to do the opposite. I will say that I did a thing happy like on podcast you know how they have like you could browse categories, and I've typed in like happy make you smile, like like the cheese. It's just like putting your tongue in the mirror and shaking clearer. Oh. I put on um you know for fourth July when when Marian was having uh you know, I was taking care of Marian over that weekend. I went on Spotify and just wrote in like soothing dog, and it was like so many soothing dog songs. There was playlist for soothing dogs and now I listened to it all the time because it was like so soothing for me. I guess I'm a dog. I mean I was yesterday when I was pretending to be one in the in the pool. Um, but I there's this thing that I saw on the subreddit for Taylor Swift last night that was like, what did you guys get on the fan? Oh? Here does here? It does prove your stardom. See if you've got what it takes to be a Today's Top Fan. So you go to Spotify and um, it comes up Taylor Swift for me because it knows So they're doing this new thing on Spotify kind of like end of the year lists, and everyone on Taylor Swift was like, what you guys get for um Today's Top Fan? And I'm gonna what the funk is this? And so I'm about to find out. Last night I did see it, and I would just want to Oh okay, So it's it's saying Today's Top Fans and it's like taking me through this thing. Okay, I did sign in you bitches, Hold on you guys. I'm so sorry. Fuck, Wait, why is it making that noise? We're still noise coming from It's coming from my phone into the thing. I'm so stupid. Oh my god, wait, why is this making me? Just let me log in? Let when they were like looking for the files on the computer. I don't even know what's happening anymore. I'm just gonna get out of this. I'm sorry. Um yeah, well, let oh, here's soothing music for dogs. I will say that I went to it and I'm in the top one per scent of Taylor Swift fans, which made me feel really, really weird. If you weren't imagine, well, everyone else in the subreddit, some of them are like I'm seven percent, I'm five percent in These bitches are posting every day. So I was like, wow, even with Taylor Swift fans, I'm a little bit more intense. And it's She's I think it was the music I listened to a Taylor Swift and other girls in the site we're getting like ten percent. I'm like, I am more obsessed than these obsessed girls. It's I was trying to get you into Maggie Rodgers, another singer songwriter, like going in your I know my dad tried to do that with Kasy Muskrab's and I was like, Dad, don't do this. I like her and Maggie Rodgers I did like, but I just yes esther barrel game. Don't do this. Dad was like, she's a better songwriter than Taylor Swift, and I was like, Dad, I am not gonna like we got into such a big fight and I'm like, you don't even know that much of Kasy Muskars. I know the whole Taylor Swift cattle like, and like, now I will fight my dad and say that Taylor Swift is as good as the Beatles, and he would. I mean he wouldn't be. He disowned me, but I would. I would argue someone on that. I'm a huge Beatles fan, but um yeah, it's like you try to get me into Maggie Rodgers. It's just not gonna happen. I yesterday we did a question game and it was like share something joyful and it and the category was like share something joyful and then it was like something you would have told yourself in high school. And I was like, just hold out for a girl named Taylor Swift. It was just me whispering to myself, just wait for Taylor Swift. She will make you feel like I'm so grateful that I didn't even know that was possible to have an artist speak to you so much. Like it's I feel like I have a um. You know when people are like disabled and they're like, I'm grateful for it. Like I feel like my obsession with Taylor Swift is a disability. It's a weird thing. It's like it's something's wrong with my brain. But I'm grateful for it because I get to experience an obsession that most people don't. Most girls do, maybe me when they're in eighth grade and then it goes away, but mine persistent. I feel like it keeps me young. Why do I care? Why do I care? Why do you care? Let's find out. Tyler Cameron reveals that he lost his virginity in his mom's bed. Tyler Cameron was from the Bachelorette. He was on Hannah season. He was the hottest guy that's ever been on that show. He is. He ended up dating Gigi Hadi like right after the show. He's like a supermodel. He's a guy you see in like perfume ads, like eternity ads. He's so hot. He lost his Virginia, his mom. He lost his Virginia, his mom's bed. And then the girl that he lost his Virginia too. He actually ghosted because he had so much anxiety afterwards, and she's she called him out on Facebook like you you know you hooked up with me, and then he stopped talking to me. You're a piece of ship. But really, you know, he wasn't ghosting. He was just afraid. And I think that happens a lot with guys. It happens a lot with me. He used to at least where I would hook up. I mean the Sephora incident is one of the most famous. Yeah, where I pretended I was invisible out of Sepphora with a girl that I made out, and I wasn't invisible. I was very visible because I was right behind her in line. He was invisible when everyone to understand what happened here, he made up with a girl drunkenly. At some point in the future near future, he was at Sephora and in line in front of you were behind she was close enough, she's there and you instead of just like maybe avoiding eye contact or like being on your phone and acting, you said I'm invisible and you convince yourself she couldn't turn into the boy from Big Daddy. And he's like, I'm right here, I'm right here. Oh yeah, yeah, what what were you using? Obviously having an anxiety attack? I get you know, yeah, I mean you know me, and you know, when you're a good looking man like me and Tyler, it's just tough, you know, when you hook up and women are just so. It makes sense, though, I think this is gonna be the new defense when guys get me too. It was like I was having an anxiety That's what I told you, that you couldn't work here unless she blew me. Um such a good no. I believe it though. I believe it though, because you know, I've been hurt by guys in the past where I'm like, you ghosted me, and you know, one guy, whether or not he was lying, said like I I told you too many things, and I felt really embarrassed at how vulnerable that you got me to be in conversation, and I just didn't want to talk. It was like a night where we like, you know you, you would get connected because of whatever. You just feel comfortable enough to share. I asked the right questions made him feel comfortable and then it's like he would He felt like it was almost like running into his therapist on a like going on a date with his therapist, and he was like, I just couldn't see you again because you knew all these things and I and he was probably so disconnected when he was sharing them that he couldn't see that I didn't care and that I wasn't gonna He couldn't even remember my response and probably invented in his mind like I can't be with someone who knows these things that I've never told anyone. And that's why you shouldn't psychoanalyze guys, you like, even if you or yeah exactly, or you you know or I do. I want to be with someone who will be able to handle that and and can tell me those things and look at me the next day day and not feel like him ghosting me was not because I wasn't pretty or what I mean. It could have been that too, but I was relieved by his explanation. Eventually, I wonder if, like, yeah, I wonder why guys don't want want to keep things on the surface. I know how many people want to just keep things on the surface until maybe forever you know, like what I wonder what it is about, like you knowing his deepest darkest secrets or whatever makes him like uncomfortable with that and why because it's almost like when you're drunk and you do something like that you wouldn't normally do if you weren't drunk, and then you don't want to talk to that person again because they saw you say something or confess something like even though it's true, you just whether or not this person was drunk or on ambient. I truly have gotten people's dead sober to reveal things to me that they've never told anyone. And even in like you know, you could just be in like an intimate like in the bed bedroom setting and say something and in the next day. It's like with sex too, Like some people don't want to talk about sex because it's so vulnerable and you look like an animal. Your skin is flapping around and you're like panting and making weird noises, your fart sounds are coming when your chest compressed, and like or like you're queefing you might shoot on someone, like and then you put on clothes and you just I mean I did it in my first half hour special. I don't understand why people have sex. And then they put on clothes and they're like that never happened, and you just walk around and you put on a turtleneck and you're like, yeah, I didn't suck any dicks last night. I'm wearing a turtleneck. And it's like, why do we have two separate Why can't we talk about sucking dicks and outside of the bedroom? Why is it so shameful? And I'm just I wish everyone could be that trans and just be themselves. And that's what I feel close when someone tells me something they never told anyone, and I just am attracted to vulnerability. But a lot of men feel like that is a turn off because they've been conditioned by society to never feel their feelings, so they should think they I mean makes sense that it was interesting. I was. I forget who I was talking to. But she's like, yeah, you share. You can share all your like deepest secrets or whatever, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're connected with your feelings, you know what I mean. Like some guys can be like, yeah, when I was seven, you know, you know, I got ran over by a tractor and my dad would it doesn't mean that just because he's opening up to you, he could be opening up for the Ron Rock reasons to just you know, get laid too. So it's like, you know, some people are like, wow, he's so brave for sharing that story, and it's like, but that doesn't mean you're really connected to this story. And if you're not able to look at the things that happened to you, always beating as a child, was molested, but you're not able to see how that has impacted your life now and make those connections. You might be able to admit that that happened to you, but if you're not realizing how those things affect your life now, then it's not really even worth it to me that it's that means it's nice that you're able to talk about it, but it's not. That's not what I want from you. I just I just want everyone to like let themselves off the hook a little bit for the stuff that they do based on the stuff from their past. So if you're able to connect those that's like very hot, but that takes it takes a lot of work, you know, And that's why I've stopped going to therapy because I want men to catch up. Let's get to the game. Today's wild card A game is literally a wild card game. We're gonna play the game that I talked about earlier, that I played with my friends yesterday that got someone to cry, to reveal things they've never revealed. Like we're doing this all at a pool Andrew where people the same pool where people were hating us. We were playing this game where we all started. We just we had the best conversations because of this game. It's called where should We begin? Noah bought it um and these are the two cards we're gonna do. So you pick up one UM, the main card, which is share something unbelievable. And this is a storytelling game, so each of us are going to share something unbelievable. Okay, and then the way we have to start the story is this card. I make too big a deal. I make too big of a deal about blank. It has to be something unbelievable. Okay, this is tough, I make too big a deal out of And then the thing has to be something unbelievable like that someone might find unbelievable or like you know, the word unbelievable can mean a lot of things. So your interpretation of that word. I guess, um make too big of a deal. Whoever gets one first. I make too big a deal. I make too big of a deal out of Oh, I mean prime example. I make too big of a deal out of things I've found that really work for me, and I want to keep them secret from other people because I feel like I'm just naturally worse than everyone, and so when I find a serum that works for me, I want to keep it because if everyone gets it, then everyone who naturally is already better than me, is going to be better than me with the serum. The serum was only getting me up to, like be a little bit better, and it was my secret and my fear. That fear is truly unbelio eviable because it's unfounded and it's um, and it seems so petty for someone who is so aware of and wants to make people's lives better. That to me, that is an unbelievable trait about me, that I'm still trying to harbor these beauty secrets. So I have a leg up because I feel so inherently ugly and less than everyone else. That's what makes you so competitive in certain ways. What do you think it would happened. It's not competitive. I mean, is that competitive? No, it doesn't think so maybe not in this way. Maybe this is just like in general, maybe because I I just told you, I feel like I was born not not naturally talented, not beautiful, not anything, and so I have to work for it and spend years trying different serums and like put on the work and then some and then some beautiful girl who's already looks like a model has good skin, just listens to one podcast and now she gets this thing that I so hard because I'm ugly to find like and I'm I'm speaking from my worst self here. I don't think I'm ugly, but that it all comes from feeling like I'm ugly and not as good as other people. That's why I'm competitive because I want I guess that's it, because I just don't like myself and so if I win things, then that gives me a sense of worth. And if I'm have good skin, that will mean that I'm not a bad person or whatever. Yeah, Because I mean, you're competitive, but not in the same way as you ask that, like You're like, you're like, why are you so like, like you're not competitive. No, I'm not accusing you, but I think it's I was just wondering, like, what drives your competitiveness, because I do think because being hot gets men to like you, and when men like you, they give you things and money and things, and I want those things, and um, yeah, I want to survive. That's why I'm competitive. I want to survive and I want to I want my species, mainly my genome, to survive. That's why it and you it literally a survival of the fittest in the in the animal kingdom. So to survive, you've got to be the fittest equals. You've got to be competitive. I think. So, I don't it all checks out? What the line? I'm sorry, what was the line? Um, it is something share, something unbelievable, and it's I make too big of a deal about I probably make too big of a deal out of me playing golf, and that it's unbelievable that I think if I really do keep this up, I could possibly be on the Senior Tour when I'm fifty. No, I don't think that's unbelievable, But yes, it's it seems like a big dream. I was talking, But I don't think it's unbelievable. To my cousin, Mikey shot at seventy four and his seventy six, which is he's lights out. He's he's an extremely good golfer. And I was talking to my uncle about I was like, I really think if my Mike, he's only twenty nine. I was like, I really think if he like really like drove himself and was driven and he has the talent, and my uncle right away like can completely knocked it down. He goes, I wouldn't tell him that, and I wouldn't. Yeah, He's like, there's guys that are scratched. I wouldn't even sniff a tournament. And I was like, what is this negativity? Is that his son? Yeah, okay, well there you go. This guy, this guy your uncle's a good golfer, doesn't want his son to be better, sees that he has the potential to be back is discouraging. It's just weird. It's that process. Is like, no, he really like there was a time when a guy was worse than him who's on tour, you know what I mean? Like there was a time when Yeah, these are when people just want everyone to do. Is me not telling people how to get the squalling. It's like I and I was, I just you didn't hear my opening. But it was all about like it only comes down to practice. No one is naturally talent. It's so few people that are actually just born talented. It's all comes The most successful talented people are the ones that put in the most out and forty pounds. I bet you anything, he's put in the most hours he has. He was on a golf every single and I'm sure his parents never told him once that he's going to be a tour pro or they did. You know, this guy is his own person and he can probably take that. You know, a lot of people are like Lady Gaga want to sound concerts, like no one ever believed in me. They said I couldn't do it, and it was just like, I don't think that's true. But okay, I'm sure you were spurred on because people said you couldn't. Um, Noah, do you have an answer to this question? I think I make too big of a deal about um, Like how I present, and a lot of that is like if someone is coming over whatever, even if it's a friend, like my house house to look really neat, I have to like hide any um flaw. And even like with this vacation, like I had this overwhelming sense of like I have to buy new clothes. Everything has to look new, and I have to look crisp and you know, like like presentable to like into society. And it's like so stupid. And but I always have that anti you know, like when when I'm anticipating seeing someone or bringing someone into my home, I have the same thing, and it's worn off for me because I've gone on enough enough of these girls trips that I know that I wear the same thing every day and so does everyone else. And but yes, I I have that too, And and the thing of people coming over your house, I just let go of that because I just know that my messes aren't like indicative of me being like there's not blood everywhere, or there's not like maybe there's like hummus containers that I'm like, oh, the people will know I binged on Hummas last night. That's a little embarrassing, like and then I'll be I'll have to explain it or something, but generally like mess like now, I the other day, I was having this guy that I'm looking up with coming over, and I was like, oh, I need to clean for him, and then I was just like, none of the I'm looking at the mess in my room, I got all of this is explode couple, is it? You could explain it, and none of it indicates that I'm a bad person or an addict or like just like almost hiding my messes now unless I put like I can't throw things away in a closet and shut the door, that feels like I'm lying. But if I put it away in a neat way, then it's like, Okay, that's authentic. But like hiding things like messes and like cleaning up fast always makes you feel like I'm a drug addict or like that I'm that I'm lying, and then it makes me feel like it hate hate myself because if I open that closet door, that's like all the my shame. And so it's been easier for me to just go to look at mess and go, yeah, there's like toilet paper on the floor, because sometimes I literally missed the toilet seat and I just like p and I wipe and A tosses behind me and it is on the floor. And that doesn't mean I'm a bad person, Like it doesn't mean I'm gross, or that I like don't take care of myself, or I can't be a good mom or a good wife for like all these things. I fear. It just means I sometimes don't I don't care about toilet paper hitting the floor, and I just don't. I don't look behind me. Afybode like, yeah you gotta you know you're like, you know what. But anyway, well wait, hold on. Before you even came to my hotel room, like we didn't get room service yet, and I was like, oh, no, I have to clean on my room because Nikki's coming over, and you organize everything, and I was like, no, what are you doing? This is not Yeah, you just like put the sheet over like like you just like close your sheet, like you like put your bed spread back over. But I don't like I would, and that's me. I'm not very observant, so I wouldn't notice the mess. There are times where I go over to someone's house and it's true, Like I've told you guys about someone's house I went to that I thought would be like a normal house and it was a dump and it was like trash everywhere. And he didn't apologize for it. He wasn't like, sorry, it's bad, I didn't have time. It was in that to me, I go, this person is suffering with a mental illness and it was a little embarrassing on his and I was a little judgmental, but that was because the filth was at a level where it was like, this is almost uninhabitable. This is bugs, this is things. These are things that like make me realize you the person you present as is not the person that I'm seeing. And it's weird that you weren't able to address that. It's like if you walk into someone's place and they go, it's messy, sorry, then I'll let anything go. Like I didn't have to get that. I'm trying to figure out though. It's like with Noah with this trip, right, you felt like you were like worried about buying new stuff and whatever. And I feel like sometimes if as as people, like, if we don't anticipate something being bigger than it is, then it's not important to us. And I feel like like, I don't know. I feel like there's like like like Brenna with her new job here in Chicago, She's like, I gotta get on the train. I gotta figure out how to get there. I don't know what I'm gonna wear to work, and she goes to work, she comes back and she's like, yeah, it was whatever about Like we anticipate these things and we build them up to make it seem like maybe our lives are important, you know what I mean, like like this strip that makes sense, but how do you make it seem still important while not having the the you know, the anxiety of like I need this, I need to present myself like this. I even regret not buying a couple of new outfits because it is fun when we get dressed for dinner and then everyone shows up and everyone compliments each other like that dress is cute, that's this, and like no one will say anything about mine, and I go, oh god, they've all seen this before. It would be fun to get a compliment. Final thought. That is why many years ago I banned compliments from my girlfriends, like I don't want compliments about my looks. I don't want you to say, oh my god, you look really pretty today. Oh my gotta like your hair, Oh I love that shirt, I love that outfit. And because when they didn't do it, I felt so sad because it was just like something that I then like the lack of it meant I was worthless as opposed to they just their mind is elsewhere and they didn't pay attention to my new shirts. So now when I said, don't ever say it, I always just assume they think I look great and they're just not saying it to respect me. And like even last night there was a lot of compliments going around. I was like, kind, no one's told me I look great this trip, And I was like, oh my god, because you told them all not to, It's gotten around and it was so freeing. I was just like, I'm so glad I did that because whether or not that's true, that protected me in that moment from feeling ridicule, from feeling bad, and like, and I'm with the hottest girls ever, Like everyone has. Every girl i'm with as something about her body that I would murder. You two have, like literally there's every single one of these girls has something that I can go Why isn't my body like that? Why can't I look like that? Why can't my skin look like that? Why are my eyes like that? Why isn't my hair like that? Every single one of them, and I've had those moments throughout the whole trip of like, God, she's just so effortlessly gorgeous. Yesterday there was a picture of Noah that really triggered me, and I was like, I can't look at this because Noah isn't even trying to be a model and she and I was trying to be a model, and she looks like like a model. And even this morning I went to breakfast and Carlyle is like, no, what that picture of you? And I'm like right, I was like I couldn't look at it because I was just like so jealous. And it's like that that I've I've decided to just for go, Like I really that's why sometimes I just don't want to wear makeup and I want to wear ugly clothes. And I whenever I pick out a cute outfit, I unless I'm being styled by my stylists. And if I'm putting together cute outfit, especially with girlfriends, I will throw one thing into it that looks a little shitty. There's something about me that I just I can't have the whole thing look good because it's trying too hard. And if I fail, I um, I okay, so I'll have a really cute outfit. I'll have a top that's brand new that is really trendy and like stands out and everyone's like, oh my god, that's a fun top. And then I'll have shorts that perfectly go with it. And then I'll wear a shitty pair of flip flops or had really clean gym shoes with old like with old Navy workout shorts and a Lulu Lemon really cute top, but the old Navy workout shorts are going to be shipped so that if someone doesn't compliment my outfit can blame it on the old Navy workout shorts or the flip flops. But if I try head to totally look amazing. That was the thing that bothered me when I first started getting here and makeup done, was that you you have two people working on you that are that pros at what they do, and you look as good as you can ever look, and sometimes it's not good enough. And it's just like I always want to leave room for improvement or room to let myself off the hook for not getting the love I deserve. Oh it's because I it's because I wore that shitty fanny pack with my outfitea like fan pack everywhere with cute outfits, and it ruins my outfit, But that gives me. I had the same kind of fears with um getting help and going to therapy and stuff, because I was like, at least now I have an excuse for why I'm not successful or I'm not my best self. Like, but once you figure things out and you are your best self and then you're not enough, that hurts almost worse. Yeah, when you get done with hair and makeup and you're like, but it's I'm still not Giselle bunching or whatever. It's Yeah, it really it bums me out. So I always leave myself a little bit of an excuse. Like there are times sometimes when I'm like running and I'm trying to beat my time from the day before something. You know, when I used to run against myself competitively, which sounds ridiculous, but I used to sometimes like throw the end of the race because I I just could tell that I wasn't gonna beat my time, so I just might as well really unbeat it so that I don't even have to consider that as a contender, Like I wasn't really trying. You know, it's then you know you won't be able to beat it the next time, so you don't do too good because then you can't beat yourself. Yeah. Yes. Or your uncle's paying for you to play golf, so you don't and you wanted to pay the next time you come in down, so you just you throw the last hole. Um No. I was talking about it yesterday with um because Sara Lena's like, you're so good at guitar and you're just gonna be a singer song I need to do that, girl, I need to do that. We start a guitar around the same time and she I think she's feeling like, why am on I not that good? And I go, it's because I put in more hours with the guitar, but certainly to there's more stuff I could be doing, Like I am. I want to be a singer songwriter. I keep talking about it and like I'm going to be one. Yet I will not take singing lessons because I'm scared they're going to say you smoke too much, pot you need your voice, You're ruining your voice. Uh, there might be nodules on your voice. Let's go and get you tests. Oh my god, there are nodules you have to not talk for a year or something like I keep I live in fear of like do I don't really do all the things that I want to do to reach my dreams because I'm scared of not being naturally good at them when really, like I said at the top of show, it's all about practice, and like, you aren't going to be good right at the gate, and I'm so scared i'd rather not know that. I'm not going before that I need to stop something that sounds cheesy, But you don't have to be perfect. You're just gonna be great in your own way, and that's perfect, if that makes sense. Yeah. I always remember Bob Dylan sounds like absolute garbage and he's the most famous and like a lot of his songs were definitely written on speed and like because he was so drugged out and on coke and like that's why his songs were like forty minutes long sometimes with like a million verses. And like, whenever I get down about not sounding like Ariana Grande, like I'll never be able to sound like her or even Taylor Swift for that matter, I always go, well, Bob Dylan gets wis It's like okay, then I can do any anything. I mean that one guy fucking sounded like an ashtray. Uh oh, yeah, well he did, and then that other guy goddamn uh yeah, well well yeah, remember the book that is kissing a girl who smokes like licking an ashtray it was supposed to. It made discourage me from somem like I want boys to kiss me, and I'm gonna tom waits, Tom Waits, I'm glad we tom waited for that line. We gotta go, guys, Thank you so much for listening. Tomorrow we have a very special episode of all fan tracks, all of your fan mail, where the whole show. It's so much fun. I can't wait for you to hear it, So stay tuned. We'll see you then, and don't Piku and Grum