Between you and Nikki, there was dried hummus on the slip she wore to the Ted Lasso premiere and she tried to preserve her day old hairdo by wrapping it in a swimsuit. Andrew is "full of puff" and tries to get Nikki to compete with him about a body part she doesn't want to compare. You Heard if Here First, stuff that makes millennials think you are old, the oldest lobster lady and rich people in space. Their Top 1 Bottom 1 jobs has them reminiscing about times at work and in the Final Thought, Nikki encourages her friend to join a dating app and finds an interesting guy while swiping through it herself.
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The nick Nikki Hey guys, how's it going. Happy Monday, Welcome to the Nicky Glazer Podcast. Oh boy, I can't even believe the last time I talked to you guys, Where was I Los Angeles? Noah, where the hell was I on Thursday? That right? Oh my god, I didn't even talk about that. So much has happened since I last talk to you guys. Um, yeah it was. You know. I was talking about a show I was on last week that I did for a couple of days, and I couldn't tell you what it was. It was amazing. It was such a good experience. People are in my d m s guessing what show it is. Um, some of you are right, some of you are wrong. I cannot reveal, but you will, but you will find out. And UM, I got I'm just I'm forever changed from my experience on that show. And I can't wait for you guys to see it. And then I went to the ted Lasso season two premiere, which was so fun. UM didn't know, Noah that it was going to be the event that it was because of COVID and everything like these events that these premieres, these um even awards shows are just way less uh glitsee and glamy. Then they were prior. Like if ted Lazo premiere would have been in a pre COVID world, I would have had full hair and makeup, gotten h an outfit done, had like a purse to match my office, like everything. But this one, I was like, there's gonna be like of you know, five ft of step and repeat, you know, like not because ted last is not a big deal and just got nominated for like literally every Emmy and Tony even though it's not a musical. Um that's not true. Don't look that up. It didn't, but it's it's it's like, got every nomination. Um. So I should have figured it would be a huge event because it was. It was probably the biggest event I've ever been to. No, I guess the vm AS two thousand ish was probably the biggest one. But I mean it was up there, we got there, um, and I was not I'll go back. I wasn't prepared for how much press this would get and how much of a um, how many photos of me would be taken. And I was trying to save money because I spent so much money last week on styling for that secret show. I was on and I was just trying to, you know, like see if I could do it myself. I did my own makeup. I used my hair from the day before that was put up in like a really tight um bun with a bunch of pins and by a professional hair stylist, um my guy Drayton. Uh. He did a great job. And I tried to hold it from Wednesday to Thursday, slept with like a I wrapped my head in a swimsuit because I didn't have anything like a key to put on it. And it held pretty well, and then like an hour before Thursday's event and starts like falling out and it legit looked like I just slept on it and like just threw it. But sometimes up dudes literally just I mean this one was a day old, so I can't blame it. But sometimes it just looked like I had a messy bond that I threw up my hair after U you know, oh high intensity workout at Equinox. Like I looked like disheveled in my hair, And I'm all I'm thinking about, is my glam team seeing pictures of me from the ted last from You're going, oh my god, why didn't she use us? And the answer is, because you're expensive. You're very expensive. And so I did my own makeup and I didn't do a bad job on that. I wish I had put on fake eyelashes, but I go, fuck it. I used serum. They're big at they're you know, thick enough. I got there. Oh and then my um, one of my stylists, is like my friend, and I was like, listen, I couldn't afford to get you guys for this thing, but um, can I borrow these one boots that you guys left at my place during a fitting? And they were like, sure, to totally use the boots. I met her in the lobby because I was giving her my outfit from the day before so she could return it because you don't get to keep these clothes. And I go, I'm gonna wear the boots and she was like, let me see if I have anything in my car I can give you, just like a personal items. So she had this like leopard print shirt. Um, and she was like, maybe you can do something with this. It's kind of fun. I think it's like a show. I went back to my room and I took a picture of everything that could be a good outfit for red carpet, like a cool look. And the the the sheet that we got about the event said the dress code is smart casual. So it's just like put on a pair of glasses with something you feel comfy in and you are like carry a book with you um, and or where like one of those graduation cap like mortar board thing that's smart. Um. And by the way, Jason's snake is wore a tight eye, you know, hoodie on the golden globe, so that's kind of like the ted Lasso vibe. I didn't know. I think I thought it would be a good idea that if you have a party you have to share what you're going to wear with your guests because it's causes women so much worry and consternation being like what should I wear? I mean I I met up with Jamie Lee, who was a writer on the show, and we went together, like our groups went together, and she was like, I go, what are you gonna wear? And she's like, I don't know. I bought this like funky dress and I was like, a funky dress is perfect. And then we met up and we had like two kind of different interpretations of smart casual, but it still worked, and there were some women. I saw some women there in like pleather jumpsuits that were like a little too dressy. It's works being too dressy than underdressed. I think I was definitely under dressed. I think I was dressed perfectly for it. But what sarks for you showing up to an event overdressed or underdressed? Overdressed, my biggest fear is trying too hard and then underdressed also is a fear because it shows a level of disrespect for the thing you've been invited to. So both suck and I mean they're barely overdresses barely worse than underdressed. They're both awful. Um, but I was definitely I was a little bit. No, I was perfect, but this is what I ended up doing. No, So I went shopping that day to match the leopard thing I wanted. She said, just put on like a black slip dress underneath. I couldn't find one. I did find a black dress, but it was too long and like not that cute, and I bought it just in case to have something, And then I ripped the slip out from inside it because it's way cute. It was shorter, and I put that on top, and then the leopard thing underneath it, and then with the boots and my sales and I agreed from the pictures I took in my bathroom, like that's the look. However, the slip was completely see through, so okay, ship, it's a black slip see through, and it's like a shitty slip inside a shitty dress, like if this isn't nice stuff and so, but it's underneath the leopard thing, which is nice enough, so it's kind of hidden. But I could not. I don't know what the flashes are going to be, like on the Red Carpet. It could just be one of those moments where you're wearing see through underwear. And I don't mind the toppings either. I don't mind seeing a braw underneath, but like underwear, you don't really want to see that. I predict that's going to be the next fashion is like, uh, you know, see through bottoms where you can just see your underwear. Um, So what I did was I was like, I have to layer it. What am I gonna do? So I found a black tank top that matched the straps. This is so uninteresting to men, but in possibly most women. And then I found a blue skirt that would then like I had to find stuff to wear under the slip to make it not see through right and just make it look like it was just a So I found a blue skirt that I got an American apparel ages ago that I had just thrown in my bag on a whim that was to lose. So I took a belt and I fastened the belt and the tank top underneath my lip with a cinching belt that like cinched my waist like you know, bridgeton. And then on top of that was the slip. So I had this crazy rig underneath to make this slip that was already shitty not that had homus on it. I've somehow gotten hummus on my fingers and it wiped. It looks like deodorant, but it's harder to get off. And I wear it's a new natural deodor and I'm trying and it's just sabra hummus, and I go on the red garpet I get there. The vet is we had to get COVID tested in a garage. Uh. We arrive on foot from an uber. Everyone else in l A is driving in. They have no entrance for us unless you're driving into the parking garage where the COVID test is. So we have to walk through traffic, and it's like it was this whole thing. I um. I invited Jeff Die to go with me, my friend Jeff Die, who has one of the most obnoxious cars I've ever seen in my life. And I was like, a, Jeff, we gotta pick up Jamie Lee. She's gonna go with us on the way there, and he was like, I go, is that okay? Knowing it was okay, you know, but also getting too I do asking for permission, and so I go to Jamie go it's gonna be fine, but I'm like, you know, I gotta ask Jeff. And so he rides back. Actually I can't give her a ride because my car is a two seater. And I was like, okay, that's fine. I was like, wonder what car he's gonna bring, because I have seen his red Jeep. That is truly I mean, noah, this car. It's a gigantic, red, flashy red Jeep. The tires are I'm gonna say there, it's a monster truck. You cannot get into the car without stepping upon the wheel and then up like it's um it felt like a Jurassic park ride. I felt like I was at Universal Studios. He pulls up to get me before we get Jamie. So so we agree we're gonna go to Jamie's park your car, then we're all going to uber it from there so we can all go together. He pulls up, I get in. I am like struggling. He goes, do you want me to help you? And I go I would like you to get the door from me. If I was in a Honda Civic, much less just having to climb upon a wheel to get an and I'm wearing like a nice dress. So so he's trying to help me. He's like, you didn't even let me, and I'm like, you're right. I I often do that to Everyone's like why didn't you give me this thing? And it's like because you are fast and I'm slow and you didn't give me time. So I just go fuck it. I climbed in. I like flashed him on the way and I was like, I'm wearing underwear. I don't even care because I had to. Like it was just like I was sweaty and like we're in this jeep that's open air. Thank god, my hair was already pulled back. But it's like a and then he has a he has a little speaker thing on it too that he takes. He takes the little thing and there's a speaker on it where he'll just go like like your like added intersection to a guy walking by. He is insane. It was so I was like, Jeff, please do not stop using that because he'll he was he does these things called life oaks that I am deeply uncomfortable by, but like like they're just he he has allowed obnoxious car and he also has this like speaker thing that he only brings joy to the world with. Like he's just like sorry about that, man, I'll move right along. Like it's just everyone laughs whenever he does it. It's not like obnoxious, but it's like a speed like it's a cop speaker on his car. So we get to Jamie's. We park, I climbed down from the um dune buggy, go to the event. Were like schluffing it and we go get COVID tested. It takes forever, but it's still fun because we're all just like hanging out in a parking garage and like looking at everyone else and I don't see any celebts yet. And then we finally get to the red, red, blue carpet and there's bleachers of fans, two huge bleachers filled with fans all massed up, just like waiting for the celebrities to arrive, kind of like the Red Carpet things you see. I've never seen an audience for the Red carpet before. And I go walk the carpet. Um, I'm the first one to walk. And we don't even get there early, and they're like you're the first one. I was like, that feels awkward. And the woman there's like a woman assigned to walk you down the red carpet. She's dressed in all black. She's kind of like one of the crew and um, and I'm joking with her and like being fun and like we're putting in eye drops getting ready to go. The audience is kind of like watching us get ready, being like who is that? Like people don't really know who we are or anything, and um uh. One person said I'm a comedy icon and like filled the rest in and just like shouted like you're a comedy icon, Nicky Glazer, and I was like, thank you Dad. I was like, thank you to that one person who informed everyone else that I'm someone. Uh, but I didn't really need it. Was just like I love red carpets. I've been a nobody on red carpets for so long because I've had opportunities from famous friends who brought me that. I always just tell the photographers, I know you don't know who I am. I'm Nicky Glazer. You're going to use this someday, whether or not, like whether it's on deadline because I get something announced or um, I die tragically and they're gonna buy this, so just please get a picture. I've always make the photographers laugh. It's like I don't have a problem being addressing them in a way that's like I know I'm not a big deal, but just please get my picture. I need this for Instagram or whatever. And they laugh and they kind of take a picture. But this woman's going through and uh, it takes my go can you take my purses? That? Okay too old? It's like a part of my look but maybe not. And she's like old you. She goes, do you have a different lipstick. It's just like this woman is just like working. She's not a part of the beauty team. There's no she doesn't have this role. She just goes your lipsy, it's a little like, it's just your lips are disappearing in your face. Literally, as she's putting me on my mark with sixty photographers screaming my name, she goes gep a different lip and she's probably like my mom's age. And I was just like, no, I don't I go this is I like this? And she was like, it's just and I was like, okay, she's making me feel insecure right away. I take a bunch of pictures. I fucking kill it. She's a little surprised because she's like, Wow, this girl like knows what she's doing, and people are calling her name and wanting to nick you over here, dick you over here. I can tell this woman's like, I mean, I thought this girl was like a nobody and kind of and then she goes, oh, and before this, she goes, there's a lot of like, you know, reporters here doing interviews. We'll see if they want to talk to you. Maybe you can get them to talk to you if you flash a little leg And I go, what if I just blow one of them? Because I hate the idea that, like, it really disturbed everyone who heard me say this to her, because I just this woman was already annoying me. And then she goes flash legs so that anyone wants to talk to you, meaning that's the only reason someone want to talk to me, and I go, I'll just blow one of them. Just tell them I'll blow them, because first of all, it's such an old fashioned like way to get It's just like I just didn't like it. I was just like, shut up. She's a nice woman, she's only trying to be nice, but I just kind of snap back at her. And then we're going through No, I get done with all my pictures, and then there's there's a huge line like all the way down the carpet photographers, but also people doing interviews Hollywood reporter, E news, different YouTube celebt, show biz channels. You know, the guy with a little microphone that has the name of their YouTube channel on the thing. And she goes out to me. She goes, the Hollywood reporter wants to talk to you, and I go, Okay, great, I do that interview he wants to talk to She goes up, she goes, he wants to talk to you, and I was like, oh, all right, cool, And then by the end of it, she goes, wow, everyone wanted to talk to you, and I go, oh, my gosh, it's almost like I'm talented. Hu huh, where's my purse? And I just like, I'm just like, I can't deal with you anymore. Woman who is hired to make me feel marginalized before I do one of the most important things. And and I was already feeling insecure because I did not plan. I'm wearing a blue skirt from American Apparel with a belt underneath, address underneath. Mean, it was a whole nightmare. And I don't even know if any of this was interesting, but the event was awesome. We finally get in there. We watched two episodes of UH Last So Tim Cook from Apple introduces Bill Lawrence, who then introduces UH Jason Sadekis the Lawrence is my friend who is the creator of the show. With Jason Sadekis. They're all hilarious. Actually, um Jeff at one point Jeff who does these life jokes. At one point, Tim Cook, like the head of Apple, is like, I really appreciate you all being here tonight and kind of made a thing like you're not gonna say anything. And and and Jeff, we're in the front. We're in the second row. And by the way, all the cast and everyone is like kind of behind us because they're not wanting to be like center of attention. But they put me. I think they put me in this second row because I was like, uh, probably one of the people who wasn't on the cast, one of the most famous people there, and that's not and just because I got an invite, it wasn't because famous people didn't want to be there, like it was just select people. And I'm friends with Bill Lawrence and it was just such and a huge fan of the show, so it was an honor. And when Tim Cook Cook goes, uh, it's great to be here with you all. I'm excited to be here with you, Jeff goes, we're excited to be here with like he had called Tim Cook and I collapsed and I just go, Jeff, no, And then Tim Cook liked it. He was like thanks man, and then it got a laugh and like made him much more comfortable. So the heckle helped. But I was humiliated, And but it was kind of fun because he was getting a kick out of how embarrassed I was, and then Tim Cook kept talking in the whole time. I'm like, please do not see anything else. Please. Bill Lawrence at one point got up and was like, uh, said a joke and was like, wow, I thought that was gonna get more or he goes he got like an applause and he goes, well, you gotta be honest. I expected a little bit more just making a joke. And then Jeff stood up to give him a standing out and I'm like, sit down, stop it right now, Like and um. It was just one of those things where it was like I was mortified. I was like, Andrew is whenever I do. When I was practicing our dance the airport the other day to do on stage, Andrew got so embarrassed at the airport that I was doing the dance. I have to go now and bring Andrew in. But um, yeah, I know I know what that felt like. And the truth is, uh, there was nothing to be embarrassed about. Everything was fine, and um, but I just I get so. I felt the way people feel when they're at a comedy show and someone at their tables heckling, and the rest of the tables like please make her stop. And I always say that whenever someone had coles, I go. Your table is so humiliated being with you. You are ruining this for them. They feel responsible for you. Just don't do this to your friends. So, um, I just don't do that to your friends. Let's get one of my friends in here. Hey, he's been here all morning. I don't understand your vibe. Hey, Andrew, no one comes in our podcast studio. I mean, Luigi just got very mad at our one of our technicians. Have you ever been a random stranger me? The first day I had remember when you bait me, bitch? Yeah, the first day I got him. He was rescue and um did not like my vibe and bit me in the hand and I cried. And my parents were in town in l A. And they were like, you need to get rid of this dog. This is because I was fostering him. And they were like, you cannot do this. This dog is broken. And my Dad's like, I've never had a dog bite me before. This dog is there's something wrong with this dog. I've never had a dog. And I was like, I'm gonna keep this dog. And not only am I gonna keep him, but he's gonna be better and more well behaved than any dog you've ever had, dad in your sixty six years of life. And guess what he is. Do you know what Luigi is. I'm gonna brag right now. He's a dog where I could walk down the street. Yeah, listen up, listener, listen up, besties, because this you know what kind of dog that says I don't have to have him on leash, and he follows me, and he can be around other dogs, and he can be around people, and he follows right next to me like a calm little dog, and he can be awfully so suck at Dad. Not only did this dog bite me in the first day, but now he has a dog that follows me next to my ankles, and uh, he's well more well behaved off leash than on. When he's on leash, he'll pull, but when he's off he knows that this is a privilege and he needs to stick to the rules. And I'm I'm a person that can walk on the street with a dog off leash in the city. That is amazing. People look at me and I don't like that, and I'm like, my dog's gonna have an issue. It's your dog. The problem is people go off leash with dogs that should not be off leash. Yes, it happens way too much. And that's why I always put him on leash as soon as I see a dog coming, because I don't want that owner to be like grow with the dog off leasing. You know, but I do know, and Luigi is a pussy and will not get into any skirts. Scuffle. Yeah when when he bat he beat your hand. Blood blood there there there was there was, there was blood and I just bid by a dog because I was, you know, as a dog walker. I was your dog walker. It took a while for Luigi to open up to me. He never bit me now because I'm better looking and more attractive and the thicker nipples know that, uh than me. Should we have a nipple off? No? No, like we'll just show Noah, Noah, I'm not What do you mean a nipple off? I mean like yours are men, My nipples definitely get bigger than yours and like puffier because I'm a woman who obulates around your period. You nipples get no dude, I mean yours have like puffiness around the areola, like it's not even like the nip part is puffy. It's like the puffiness around it and mine's flat. So yeah, mine, that's what I'm saying. Puff. Yeah, they're not bad. Thanks, that's full puff too. I showed you. No, I didn't even try to harden a moment. Well, thank you for that? Does that, Louie. That's not like a that's not sucked up to do that to someone show if you're jerking off while doing it, or just ask. I mean, it would be weird if someone did asked for that. You kind of said Noah, and I still went without no. I said, I don't want to show no Noah my nipples. Um this dog. He had a Bernie's mollin dog and uh, I always think of Bernie Sauce whenever I say that Bernie Weekend at Bernie's Bernie Sauce Weeken and Bernie Max was an idea I had, and then someone else, Bernie Mac died much after Bernie mcdog. I thought that. I mean, it was an idea for a tweet. It was gonna be like a video. I was gonna shoot with a guy that looked like Bernie Mac. Yeah, weekend at Bernie Max. So which black friend were you going to get to play. Bernie Mac might have thought about doing black face at the time, but I'm glad that was before you knew it was wrong. I'm glad I was lazy, um and yeah, I was sleeping on the couch and the Bernie's Mac Bernie's Mac dog was on the ground and I was sleeping and he was sleeping and I just look put my hand barely onf and he bit my hand, yeah, causing blood. And it's a big dog. I told my buddy about it. He gave me, he venomin me twenty dollars to keep my mouth, I mean, and it didn't work. That is hilarious. Just what does that even? Honestly, what's it for? Just to be like man? There's nothing yet man can in terms of like a tip if you leave, like your maide a tip, or like the guy helps you with your bags to your room twenty verses of five, that'll keep, that'll keep. That's hush money for Like there were certain tips I've left for maids that are like, if you smell weed in this room, can you not report it? I left you twenty dollars to clean up of room that doesn't really need that much, Like I haven't soiled much seems like you're breaking a law there paying someone to keep quiet. No, I'm not actually doing it, but it's like I could see where they just got done cleaning room that that that was trash. The person left them no money. Which if you ever check out of a room and you don't leave cash for the maids your you should stop listening to this podcast. Someone recently told me this. We should have a segment called don't listen to this podcast, or it should be called don't listen to this podcast because I say it so many times an episode. But truly, if you're someone who doesn't leave cash tip for a maid when you leave a hotel, don't listen to this podcast or change your way because you didn't know better until now. Um, what if, though, you had a dog in your hotel room and it bit the maids neck, and then how much would you give the maid? Not twenty? You'd give her like a hunt. I would pay for her medical bills that she needs, like I I'm good about giving what they didn't started I should have went to the doctor. And it's been like, hey man, yeah, you go to the doctor when you think you're choking on air. Yet you won't go when you get bit by a dog that could be rabbit. Yeah, I asked him if you had raby shots. The dog died not long after. I don't know. I probably got rabies from me. It got lazies, ladies, bird names. No, it's uh. The dog bite thing is interesting because my dad I just remember being like, our dog, I've never had a dog bite me. Then later on they had a dog that would bite everyone, Karma and then yeah, that dog named Karma, and then and then uh, and then Marian got attacked by a dog and they're like, or why would do dog was a vicious kujo that needs to be put It's like, no, you had dogs. That dog is sweet. That dog that bit Marian in Tech, Marian was just dogs don't do that because they're they're either trained to do it and attack things or they're acting on instinct. It's not like a dog is actually a sociopathic dog that like wants to cause harm. Like, it's not the dogs. The dog is just being an animal. So I literally don't get mad at dogs when they bite, but that dog is fucked up. All it was like, what are you talking about? It's just a dog. It was being a dog. Yeah, let a dog be a dog. How do we expect? I got so mad when I posted that Mary got attacked by a sweet I go, Marrion's a sweet dog, and so is the dog that attacked her. And my dad saw that on Instagram and goes, what do you really he's a sweet dog? And I go, because every dog is sweet. No dogs are born like I'm gonna rape and murder like there are no I don't think there's psychopathic dogs. And so if you were a dog that attacks someone, I think you're sweet and you're just trying. You're you're probably chained up in the backyard so much and you have a lot of anger and angst and it comes out when you see a little white dog that looks like a squirrel that it looks a hundred years old. And if I saw Marion running out, I would think it was like a white walker like that. Marian doesn't look like a dog. Marion looks like a floating rag that's like made out of like cream cheese, old cream cheese. Probably just thought it was a hydrated poodle, an air fried poodle. I mean, I told you about my one, but he got bit by a dog bird well, and he was laying on the couch at Doberman bit his nose off and ate it, ate it to ship and pick up the nose. He picked his nose all right, Oh my god. And they took the doorman's nose. They were like, I nose for a nose. Yeah, it's his name is bird Well and it should be dog Well. Well, it sounds like bird Well is such a weird I kind of like that last name. Does he really have a weird nose? So they took skin. I used to do a joke about it, but I think I was wrong. I think they took skin from his thigh, but I used to do that. He took skin from his ass and made a nose out of it, and then that nose grew hair, so he had ass hair coming out of his nose. Happened sometimes where they takes scrowdum skin because you guys have so much extra skin down there. It'll be used to patch up. I saw someone with a like a finger, like their finger was burned, so they need to do a graft or something, and so they put it or their hand and they they put it on their finger or hand and then it looks like ball skin. On and it grew like it grew like pubic ball skin. I think that's cool. The place change your ball skin is your elbow skin. Could get a ball skin transplant, but you know, a ball skin looks ridiculous. I think it would be so funny if I had a part of my hand that was lady a skin, I would show it off and be like, my lady is on my hand. I think it's cool. My friend Catherine had tore her a c L and anyone look at the cameras frozen on Noah, and she literally looks like her head is into her skin, laughing, but her head back and she looks like that guy from ninety D Fiance, the little one that's like that has no neck but hot, but like so hot. Um, my friend got her a c L ripped and got a cadaver's a c L, which is a popular isn't one of the ways that people, I have a dead guy's balls tell you? I mean, yeah, I didn't tell you that. Yeah, that's what you mean. You wouldn't have your dead ball guy skin on your hand, but you would have your own. I don't know, I wouldn't want no. I'm just saying why are we taking our I mean that's absurd to skin from your balls, I mean, get it from anywhere else where. It looks like regular skin because you have a lot of extra skin down there and you then that means you have to take out a piece of your thigh that's going to be uh. Your balls already looked gross enough. Who cares if you? And I would want to tighten those up. If I were with the guys, I would want to remove ball skin and I'd like to take my handskin and put it on my balls, smooth it out a little bit. These things, right, I'd have to get an old man's hand and ball shape. You a should be a new thing too, But oh yeah, if your ball's got mangled nine year old, you use a cadaver's ball skin or hand skin to match. I'm so confused, But my friend got to cadaverse a c l and I think it's so cool to have someone's a dead person's part in. I think it's awesome. I want one, you want, I'm gonna go skiing so I can fuck my a c l up. I just want a dead person's body, And I think it would just be a cool story to be like, um, I think I do donate to Oregon, and um this, I think everything I donate ends up at good Wills across America. Uh yeah, I think I'm an organ donor because I'm not one of those people that's like, you're gonna kill me on purpose that they can give my heart to one which person? Oh my god, people say that all the time. It's it's yeah, it's obnoxious. It's you know, conspiracy stuff of like, I'm not going to do it because what if um, okay, what if Princess Diana someone like that needs eyes? And then I'm happy to be in a car accident the same day and they could they could, uh, they could save me, But they go, this girl has some pretty blue wise and Diana couldn't really use though or whatever happened. She needs something, so they just like, don't work as hard on me. And then they have the eyes for the rich, famous person. And then Ivanka Trump has my eyes. Yeah, i'd bet art. She has such a pack of all taste. And then you know, like you're like, yeah, I broke my wrist. We got she died, but her wrist was just t I why aren't you putting me to death? I saw a guy get shot one time outside of comedy club, a comedy show in l A. And he was shot like by the neck area, and when they were walking, he was able to walk out though, like he wasn't like like grazed on my guests. This was like outside the show right before he show started and they walked like five years ago the comedy Store. No, this was in um there was like a weird like bookstore show in l A. Did you ever do it where? Like I don't know, like Camille had that show where yeah, you mean meltdown comics and uh, Camille, I mean, what did you say? Last night? There was some show on and you go yet stars we were watching, Oh okay, there's a snooze show called song Exploder. It's based off a podcast about songwriting. And Andrew's like, you gotta watch song Exploder on Netflix. I go to look at it. The first episode is du Alipa. And Andrews already saw that episode. Can we watch the next one? And then he starts telling me about it and like and he goes Dowey Lappa like you could. I can only imagine how many times they said dou Alipa and you couldn't retain it and then Camil you need to know that name. I mean, yeah, he is. Okay. So you saw a guy get shot outside of Belt Down Comic. Yeah, and he's walking away and they put him in like a little gown and his pants were off, so his little ass was out and I was like, why, maybe they're robbing it so that they could remove a tonk of it and put it on his Uh true, they took his balls on his neck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm obsessed with like face transplants, and I wonder if you needed a face transplant and there was a black person, if they would put a black person's face or vice versa. Interesting, I take it. I take whatever I could get, so I didn't have like one of those face look like an asshole where it's like sucked in the in the middle because people like they tried to do a full head transplant, really, which is the person died obviously because they cut his head off. Well, at least they tried, keep trying, keep trying. Let's get to the news. The feeling there's going to be something in the news that's gonna be similar to these things. Yeah. First, I got a great show today, folks, I'm pulling up the news. You're talking like it's hasn't started yet because I'm stalling. Okay, a year it is, and here we are. I hope you're having a great time out there at all the swells. I hope your weekend was as romantic and as ours was. What what was your? Was your weekend romantic? No? She had this poops mine was true? Wait is she okay? Yeah? I stayed up with her all night last night. I came over there she had She didn't think I was coming over. She never wrote a come over. I just read I'm coming over to save the day because my girlfriend has horrible stomach pains. And she had like little zip like you know band aids on her head and she's like, you shouldn't see me like this, and I was like, she's eating gas acts and I was like, this is great. I like you more now than ever. That's great. Um. Yeah, so okay, first headline. I bought those little zip band aids that she told me to get. They haven't arrived yet, but I got a z yesterday. I was so excited. I was like, oh, I can use one of those little patches that Brenna told me about it hasn't come yet. Hasn't come yet? Okay. Top twenty things that millennials think make you old, as well as percentage of respondence who agreed millennials are old right now? By the way, gen z is the so this is millennials, Yes, millennials that yes, Okay, I'm a millennial? Are you? Yeah? Barely? Barely? Is it like right under the wire? I think it's up to no, no, no, no, no no, no no no. I think one is the gut off. What would I be a gen baby boomer gen X? We got to look that up. Okay, here we go. Top twenty things that millennials think make you old using cash Dude, I had got Thus why we're millennials are old? The new thing is gen z is telling us what makes millennials old. So is this millennials telling millennials what makes them old? I don't understand. Remember when gen Z's came out and said, if you have a side part that equals old, if you use emojis that means you're old. If you write L O L instead of that means too old. If this is this is signs that make you old according to millennials. Okay, So millennials saying, like, guys, let's get together. There's things that are making us look old. Let's stop doing them using cash. I agree. I get cash when I perform at this show in l a and they give me so much cash, and I don't I don't know what to do with it, and I um, I mean I use it for tipping, that's it. And then then you literally can't spend it anywhere. No one I haven't paid for something in cash, they look you got looked at like a leper if you bring out cash. Especially I don't know. I had those hundred dollar bills from over the weekend and I couldn't get rid of them. So I went to Golf Galaxy and I got rid of them real quick. But just you dropped him in the dressing room when you were trying on pants, Yeah, and just lost them. It's pretty sad at I literally I used to have a joke that was like, I lost so much money this weekend. Literally I lost it, like it fell out of my wallet. I if I thought about all the money I've lost, not just like no gambling or lost it on a bad deal, literally fell on the floor or got was in my pockets and I sent it away for laundry, and gratefully, I've had really honest laundry people in my life that have found hundred dollar bills from When I get these gigs, I just like they pay me on the spot and I just put I don't want my personal me put in my back pocket. I forget to check it and they've put in a little bag and then and I eventually like give it to them because I'm like, you were returning, that's so or whatever. But um, I lose money all the time. I lose credit cards all the time. I'm just I lost those chips the other night. Essentially, cash is like a gift certificate, you know, like there's no more gift certificates. There's just gift cards. Remember you used to go to a place and they have to write concursive on it and it's a big looks like a big check that you would win with if you get the latto almost that. I always just say that Canadian money was a gift card, was a gift certificate to buy things in Canada. I always look at it doesn't even look like real money to me. I'm just like I need to spend this while I'm here on something in this big store that is Canada. But that's what cash is now in America. Yes, yes, feels like it feels like monopoly. It doesn't even feel real, doesn't It doesn't feel like you can convert it to the numbers that you see in your bank account, even though that money is not real, although it feels really good because you don't hold it a lot, because you don't have a magazine in your hand like when you Actually I was holding on that hundred the other day and I was like, this feels nice. I forgot this tangible thing like Venmo. You just here's fifty bucks? Did I was that even like that's why bitcoin and cryptocurrency to the thing because no one I spend so much more money because I just do Apple Pay and I go, I don't even bring my wallet anywhere anymore. I literally just bring my phone and I go click, click, double, and then and it does it and it doesn't feel like anything. And if I walked into the kitchen and you had an actual newspaper and you were like folding, yeah, I'd be like, what the funk are you doing? That's what cash is now? Yes, it's yeah, it's absolutely I hank you up your sleeve. No, millennial did that? Are these magicians how to getting bills through the through the mail? Oh? Yeah, I literally haven't checked the mail. I've said literally a lot today, but I literally haven't checked our mail in months. Yeah, there's stuff in there for you. I'll bring it up. Yeah. I don't think I've ever paid a paper bill in my life. And they scare me, scare me so much. I what I do is I put them on the side and I go, I'll open it later than I and then I wait until it's so late that it doesn't matter, and then I and then I've flipped it over and written down a note that to myself and never opened the directions to a place. Yeah, dude, one time I kept ignoring this bill from a hospital, and it was like eating me up and inside because I couldn't open it and see how much. Because I thought it was gonna be hundreds of thousands of dollars. I ignored this thing for seven months. Five dollars. You just couldn't even look at it. So often the things we're similar and like kind of those like weird, like what we like are afraid of? Go to my email anymore. My email is turning into my mailbox where I just go. There's some days where I'm just like I used to love my email. It's just only good news, only cool things, and now it is just it's just it's bills. It's not even bills, but it's just like things that are going to take your time and money to account for and people are waiting, um, and it's it's yeah, it's it's a bad habit to be scared of these things. And I always remember that book The Tools that I read. One chapter of the first tool was fear. The first tool was to be excited about fear. So whenever I'm like scared about doing something, I go, I love fear. Fear makes me stronger. I can't wait, bring it on. I do the mantra that that thing taught me, and I think about how much I like love the fear, and then it makes you just throw yourself into it a little bit more. But it takes so long to get there. Do you like that? I remember that one chapter we both kind of skimmed yeah, And it talked about though, how you gotta say what your fear is like, literally verbalize what's the worst, what are you afraid of and verbalize it and like get to know it, like so for that and learn to love it and realize that, like I actually love what I bring it on, and you're supposed to say, bring it on. I love fear. Fear sets me free. Bring it on. That's what you're supposed to say, over and over until you believe it. And it actually works for me to edit my special back in the day, writing lists with pen and paper. You do that, Um, yeah, I make it to do list. It really makes me. I when I do to do list before I go to bed, you're supposed to do six tasks on it, because that's that's all you should be able to get done in a day at most, Like, don't give yourself more than six. And then whatever you don't get done, um, add those those come at the top of your list. You should put them in order of importance. And whatever you don't get done, those go to the top of your list the next day, and then you make six again. And it's just for some reason that helps me get stuff on so much more than literally anything, more than a deadline, more than someone texting me, hey can you send this? Having a list and being able to cross it out. And I've never made a list in my life, really never in my life. Man, I know you've never made a list of like the top forty comics to watch, but like, you've never written a list. I'm sorry, I'm just um wait, you've never made a list. Yeah, I've never written I've never written down a list. One time I made a list of like every guy I've ever hooked up with. That's fun, that's I would just write down unknown, a list of your favorite Um, that's a good joke, Unknown sixty times. That's so funny. And then Brenna um zip patch, Hey, Chad, No, she knows I love her and she's one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen in person. Um, why don't you make a list of you have nothing to do with it? Um, why don't you make a list? You had nothing to do with her creation? It's not true, my father, Oh dear, I'm sure that gets said in bed sometimes. Um let's get okay. But I love lest Yeah, No, I like going through these though. I feel like we can you make a list someday. Well, Top one bottom woman is a list, and sometimes you make that. We're gonna do a top one bottom one today, let's get to the next. Uh. Two, I'm so sick of this two. You ever know, if you ever hear Andrews say two, it's it's an inside joke that him and Brenna have together. It's a cute, like you know, the couples have like cute things. I think it's adorable when they do it together. Sometimes I'll do it to me and I go, no, no, this is you and Brenn. Don't bring me into two, and don't bring it on our show unless you want to give it to us. But I feel like it's your thing. Yeah. True, we have true. We have yam where with something you say yam. We have chacom, which is a chicken cone plays down the street. We just combined it the con that's cute and we got Oh. We can't wait for this relationship to end. Um. I'm so glad she's moving to Chicago so you can totally stop making these words up and sharing them with us. No, I think it's really cute. Yesterday, I the person that I'm kind of talking to. Uh, we were working on a cross word together and it was like a sounded. It was like the clue was like a sounded dog, Me sounded dog and it ended up being r. It was three letters arf. It ended up being arf. But it could be like you know that, it could be it could be yip that was three letters yeah, but bark b r K. No, it wouldn't be that because it would be actually a word. So but he wrote down w u F as in wolf, and I just thought that was the cutest thing. Like, if like anyone else did it that I didn't think was an adorable man, I would just be like, you idiot wolf. But I was just like, that's so cute. You think what was spilled w uf and so I like dog could have a speech impediment. It's so cute. It's just so funny, the things like if you like someone like the things they do as like adorable versus if you did it, I'd be like, Andrew, you don't know what wolf is? Yeah, you get. I wouldn't be like that's so cute. Maybe I want I don't know. I'm trying to be nicer to you. I am. I'm almost trying to be a nicer person, all right. They called me a lobster lady. Virginia or Jenny is a hundred and one years old and maybe the oldest person in the world, lobster and hundred and one getting out on the boat every day. And she said, I usually stirring. Is that really the verb? Yeah? Okay, and she goes, I usually get up quarter of five. That sex move we talked about in that Kama Sutra day the lobstering a hot bath and you scream and you put rubber bands around your hants and you inside a restaurant. Yeah, oh man, I usually get up a quarter of five, piling into the old ford and drive the wind and road to al Main one. I do like this her seventy eight year old son. Like, I just love when people have kids that are eight. Like it's like when my grandma had a boyfriend and would be like Grandma's boyfriend. It was just like combining an old and young thing, like someone's oh you know her taught Winston because three, she's got a little one running around. How long do you want to work? But that's what I was thinking about when I was reading this. I was like, I could see Nikki has a hundred and five being like, my pussy is a dusty Yeah, you know, well that changed. I definitely want to be funny till the end. But I just I just know that when you get older, you get less funny because you're cognitively like not as much there. So I still want to be working, and like, I just want to be happy. So if work still makes me as happy, I'll still be working. This weekend when I did UM, I went to Florida on on Friday for a Saturday show. I was doing a private birthday party, which I didn't know that I was going to enjoy because it was beach such a hell gigs. But it was in Palm Beach at my old the old stomp grounds, uh where you just used to stomp around you were angry. Boy. It was a really nice section where like the only stores are like Gucci and Versace and like uh and like yeah, all just like the highest end stuff. Like just who's buying this ship right now? Like it's so funny to me that stores. I wouldn't sex fith Avenue because I was getting Starbucks at the near where I was staying and I walked past Sacks and it was like early in the morning on Saturday, and I was like, oh, maybe I could find it dress for tonight or just like browse around these places that you know, sell four shoes that are like that's the cheapest shoe they sell, and like all these nice clothes. These places are embarrassing to go in now because it's like everything must go. Things we're seventy pc off because no one likes luxury anymore because it's right now with way the world is. I think there's like just a vibe of like having things that are luxury is kind of not in like it's it's more in to do like up cycled things and to like less is more. It's not like abundance. Yeah, like that was more like nineties two thousands, like you know, labels and stuff, and now it's just you go in there. I mean Barney's close. Barney's was like the hippest place to shop up until the pandemic and now it shuttered its doors and I go into sacks and it's just like the fact when you keep saying sacks like keeping vision, that's the place you go to get ball skin to get Yeah, well they should get into that business because they they And next to a Gucci bag, have you seen that backpack that looks like a screw um that's always on Reddit? It literally looks like a gigantic screwed um and it's like, yeah, it looks really looks real. But yeah, so you'll go in there, but didn't you buy something? Yeah? I bought a lot of stuff because it was all marked down like crazy. I bought so much stuff. I bought um And I loved stopping there because I've never stopped at Sex because it's like an old, rich woman's store. And I went in there and really like felt like, uh, Julia Roberts, like it sounds like Florida grew on you a little bit. Yeah, it was nice. I mean that was there very short time. What I was gonna say about the hundred three year old woman as I was at this birthday party for a guy as sixty years old. He was a huge fan. His wife's surprised him by booking me. It was a fifty person event inside this um banquet hall and they called it the Roast of Kevin. Uh. I don't want to say the guy's last name, but his whole family was there, and I asked if they wanted me to roast him when I initially got booked for this, because that would be very easy. I would just write a bunch of jokes and then have him on a paper and read them and have a good time, and they'd be specific for him. But they were like, no, just do material. He just wants material. And I get there and there's a sign that says the Roast of Kevin. But it's a big face, and I go, why didn't I asked if this was a roast. They were like, no, well, they're roasting him all weekend. It's like it's a whole weekend event. His friends have been roasting him a weekend, that's what we called it. That. But we want you to do material. I go, yeah, I don't have the one person who's best at roasting in the world to your event. And then, uh, you know what you said yesterday. You were like, that'd be like having uh you know, we got Michael Jordan to come, and uh, we don't want you to play basketball. We want everyone else to play basketball, and for you to do uh, you know, to do a theatrical presentation of Space Jam. It's like, why, I mean that would be great. I mean I would like that better than you know, a demo. Um. But anyway, the show was so fun. His mom was there. He wanted me to do the most filthy six material. That's what his wife said. He's he loves oral sex, especially receiving. He like jokes about it. All he does is watch stand up. I I hear your voice all the time. Blah blah blah. She gave me this amazing and Drew I came in surprised everyone. He was just so excited. Um and his nine year old mother was there, who I thought was when to just be in the corner, like dying right or like not really present. She was so with it, had the funniest jokes for me. Afterwards. She was like she told all these like me too jokes of like oh honey, I feel like you lived these back in the day, Like these are all like jokes about like a dentist assaulting a woman, and like it was just like but they were funny, but they were just like really like Jesus Christ. Lady. She was ninety and she was so I go your spry as fuck, like I love you. I told her that my bucket list would say eat pussy. I asked her what's on her bucket list? If we could just bang too out that night was like, let's just do it right now. It was she was no, she did it. I probably didn't let her because I was scared of losing control of the crowd. Um, but yeah, it was she was. I just I think that I'll be going that long too. There's something about these old people were also stunning. All the women were so stunning. They were all in their like seventies, eighties, and maybe like some were in their late fifties, and they all were going up to me being like, you're too skinny, look at your young and glamours, because I was younger than them, and I'm just like, I can't. I want to look like all of you. You look so fucking fancy. These were richly moving into a nursing home, now just plastic surgery. They looked I wanted to look like them. I felt like kind of embarrassed that I looked, um, not as regal. So I'm I don't know, after seeing all these women that just looked really sexy and older and like women that looked sexy in their sixties and seventies and eighties, and this woman in her nineties was like legit gorgeous and um, it just made me excited. It was fun. So yeah, I'll be lobstering wore. It sounds like it sounds like a lot of them are just hanging out by the people spending their husband's money on a surprise birthday gift for their The the guy whose gift it was he his dad used to own these like stores where he I go, was your He used to own electronic stores and he was known as the cheapest guy in town? And I go, was your dad one of those guys where like like, Larry, you gotta stop selling all these TVs, look at us stopped to death. And he was like yeah, And I was like, oh, that's so fun. I always wanted my dad to be the commercial guy in down. I was like that, and I go, I'm glad that. Um, I go, I bet you inherited his jeans. And so I'm glad your wife booked me. And You're gonna be very upset with how much I'm getting for this. Was like, she really spent your and she was like, girl, And I asked her if she was good at oral sex and she was like, how do you think I paid for all of this? She was like very open about like yeah, it was great. Next story or are we doing top one? Why do we care? Why do I care. Uh. An eighteen year old is going to space with Jeff Bezos tomorrow, taking the place of an auction winner who would purchase the ticket in the auction for twenty eight million dollars, but then no longer could attend because of scheduling conduct conflicts. Do you get a refund on this? He goes on the next he said, needs to do enough future one. I think he got scared. I think he got space feet. What could that have been? He's like, they can only give me an unsuper cuts at four o'clock on Friday, so I have to cancel the That's how rich these motherfucker's are that a guy could spend twenty eight million dollars ago. I got a A thing I think he got scared is their cancelation fee. Like you gotta pay ten million because we had to reschedule. Like, and so an eighteen year olds going in this place? What did the eighteen year old do? So the eighteen year old has an only fans where she blows basis, no, no, no, it's an eighteen year old who's the son of of a guy, this capital guy who's like a billionaire as well, who bought a seat decided to give it to his son, because I think he got scared. He doesn't care for his son dies to pass rigorous physical tests to go up there to the other the other guy's eighty two this pilot or eighty one year old man. Wow, yeah, um so an eighteen year old who has a rich dad is going to space. Yeah, I would not want to go to space. If someone goes, Nick, you want to go to space, I would pass. I have a couple of things with space that I just don't understand. Number one, okay, take air airplane travel for instance, right in the twenties thirtiest in the fifties was like whoa, and it was expensive, and it was like regal, and people would look out the window and be like, oh my god, there's Tom's house or whatever. And nowadays we close our shade. We don't give a fuck, especially the higher we get, the quicker shade goes down that it's space. By the time it gets cheap enough for people like me or you or whatever, like where maybe you'll get on before me. But uh yeah, you gotta I gotta move a hair appoint in it, yea. But my point is is, by the time it's there, we'll get the space. You're barely outside the earth. You're gonna be like, oh that's a star, like I'd rather watch Avengers on my phone. I'm gonna close the shade, like we're not gonna care. So it's like where these billionaires that are like we're, we're it's like the initial, right, brother, they're trying to like be like the ripe. You're not the ripe brothers. You're just like rich and going to a place what we uset about it? Though, I'm confused because because they're saying it like, oh, I'm doing this so then poorer people can go up one day, Yeah that's what or like you dream I dreamed as Richard Branson. Awesome. My other thing is is we went to fucking the moon sixty years ago and these billionaires are like, we bare they barely got outside space. And my point is is like, tell me when they get to Pluto and open a cheesecake factory right with a smaller menu, that's what I want. So you are sold on space just because it's space, like you would be up But when you think it's cool to be up there and look out the window or now, don't you think if you ask someone fifty years ago. Can you imagine things become ubiquitous? We don't think there is cool anymore. I mean like black and white teeth. But so when you get excited about anything, so you just go, why am I excited? Because eventually I'm not going to be as excited. I mean a new relationship in the Honeyman phase, you're like, oh my god, right, brothers were up in this. We're like, but then does that mean they don't get in relationships because that's gonna fade because it's always going to fade. The initial awe of anything will always fade over time. Okay, so then yeah, so then take space travel sixty years ago, we landed on the Moon, right, So why are we excited again because a billionaire went up there? Because it was like a more of a jet kind of plane. Because it's becoming something that people can do that aren't in NASA, and it's becoming you know, I mean, it's still insanely exclusive. But yeah, I get what you're saying. I'm just saying like it are I don't care? Like I literally don't care. I don't even know what they're doing up there? Are they just going to look at the Earth from that end, go to Imax Theater. It's eleven minutes. He's flying, He's getting barely outside into space and then coming right back. Um is he okay? Is that so? What is he even doing up there? He's gonna go He's gonna float for two minutes and then be like, dude, Oh I did it for every American. Give me, Give every American a million dollars. Give everyone that works in your factories a pea break for forty more seconds, and two of them space one time. Yeah. Yeah, um, I will say. The other day I ordered something on Amazon Prime, and I swear to god, I got a parcel notification like five minutes later of like a parcel in it. There was a part of me that it was just part of me goes, wow, we're there. It literally just like it's gonna be there at some point where it's just gonna be like tubes that send things from factories and none of us will. It'll all be machines. I am waiting for the day when the machines take over, when they just turn on us, because they said that when it happens, it's your bedroom already. It's gonna be dude, I think. But Amazon has all these commercials now where they're like trying to show that their workers are so happen like honey, bunch of votes factory with like we're making serial and it's like a happy black woman. It's like, no, this woman is peeing into it was all disabled people. Another commercial the other day of Amazon workers we have disabled people were good, We're a forklift of dildos. Boxes of dildos fell on them in a factory because they were trying to meet their quote of they have little timers on them. That's why they were disabled. I mean, yeah, every company tries to be like, look how green we are, even ones that are like eggs on valid you know, we're throwing oil. Oh the dawn soap we help birds clean up. One bird gets oil wiped off of it, and we're like, oh my god, they are so eco friendly. If I buy down soap, ducks are going to be saved. And it's just like what this. I mean it's the same thing of when you buy celsius because it says it burns fat, like you just believe whatever. Oh yeah, that's right, okay, different reason. All right, let's get to top one bottom one. Every Monday, we list the top one, bottom one thing of a category. Minoah and Andrew are today going to say our top one bottom one jobs jobs, and they know it's not gonna be Steve jobs or blow jobs. These are employment positions we've had in our lives. Bottom job you've had in your life, be like, fuck, you can't do those. Bottom job has to be me working as a fish truck drive, a lobster fish truck driver. It was actually a place called lobster Place. I lost all my money. I moved to New York to be a screenwriter. I took one screenwriting class in New York, and my whole family was like, you gotta have a career. You've got to get a job. There were no jobs. Everything was destitute, probably two thousand eight seven. So my family is all a bunch of you know, rich Jewish people. I thought, you moved out of Florida after the market crash, so it's got to be you know that was two right, that's two thousand five. I thought, okay, you lost millions of dollars in that crash, and you don't remember what year it was, was very very umous. I take it out of my mind. Did you hear that. So long story short, I get I take a job to be like fuck you, I could a blue collar job. You guys can't do this ship. It's kind of like you with your dad, like I'm gonna save this dog. I don't give a fuck fuck you mom and dad. And I took this job where I added a bronx. I had to leave at five in the morning. My brother knew the owner of the play so I even still need a family to get brother. But can you call your friend? Yeah, d that's so jeb jeb lobsters. And so I end up having added a hunt's point you know how far. That's like an hour and thirty minutes on the train at six in the morning to drive a fish truck. I wore again like a button down. I gave him a resume with my college degree. Everyone thought I was in like, uh, like you know cover boss that drew that dressed overcover, you know, like it was some woman a fish truck delivering fish when you were a fishmonger. That was when I got a raise. They put me in the fishmonger store. But we would drive the fish truck. We had to cure like a hundred pounds of fish down the stairs, like that's what, Like, that's what someone's doing that right now? And drive I know I've seen that before where they show up and then they carry all the fish down. Yeah. And I would back on the train and homeless people would move away from me. I was just smelled like a fucking like like like you were definitely not doing your laundry often this is the time in your life when you were not taking care of yourself. So what what would you do with your clothes? You just buy new ones? No, I just would just I just turned in the sea creature. Did you have friends at the time? Are you doing stand up for people? Like before? This is when I was doing screenwriting classes. What I don't even know about this time in your life. It's very Oh this is a whole fun time. But yes, that was my worst job because dude, one time I was I was in the fish truck and the guy looks over to me and he got sick. He was like throwing up out the window and he's like, you drive here to captain now, pretty much like I'm driving the truck and I had to drive him to the er. It was why, what was the worst part about it? I mean six am on our and thirty minute yeah, our thirty minute commute to literally moving to New York to be a writer, comedy writer, and now I'm in a fish truck. How long did this last? That was three months? And then they moved into the fish money and then how long did you do that? Like? Six months? Dear God, what a terrible time in your life. But you know what, I met some great people. Okay, good, Okay, well maybe not so bad. No, what was your bottom job? Okay, this happens to be the only job I've ever gotten fired from. It was I was so bad at it. So I worked for a c p A who was an accountant and I was the bill collector and I had to call people and get them to pay their past debts. And it was the worst and most uncomfortable job I've ever had. Sucked at it calling cold calling people, well with your voice, Noah's voice, being like hey it's so you know, or we're going to take away your family car. And I did get crushed out. Um, they just like ignored me or whatever, and I had to go after him. Then I had to like pretend, um like to be like an actual credit company and write them a letter and stuff. My god, you know they didn't collect that, but they didn't open that bill. So I used to do the reception is for this company too, and um then I had to work part time so they were helping me out and they gave me this job as like the bill collector. And I remember getting fired and the guy felt so bad for firing me, but I was just like, it's okay, I'm really bad at this job. Yes, knowing that, like it's okay that I'm not good at this. I don't want to be good at this tore me. Yes where they're just they politely let you go. Um yeah, I uh that's my attempt for a while when I was trying to make ends meet in l A and they called. I had a tent job that was like the whole week and they I think they called me on Wednesday and they were like you don't need to go in Thursday and Friday. Um, they're gonna find someone else. I was like, it was just I was so bad on phones, like connecting phones. But my worst job for sure. You just remind me of I was gonna say it was that one, but it's either when I know I always do a million of these, but it was it was Oh wait, I just lost it. Hold on, let me get it back. I was gonna say, babysitting for people who's the parents stay home when you're babysitting for the kid, that is fucking If you're someone who has a nanny and you're there while the person is there that I know, sometimes you have to be there because you're getting work done at your home office and the kids are inder the room. It just you can't beat the kids when the parents there. You can't do You can't eat their snacks as much as you want, No, you just can't. Every time the kid gets upset, they go right off to the parents and then you look like you're failing. But it's just like if they know you're there, they're gonna want you, and they're not gonna want the babysitter. But the worst job was calling. I worked at the call center at KU my College my senior year, uh, the endowment center, And you had to call alumni and parents and ask for money to give to the endowment center, money that they're already oh for their student loans, they already owe money, they already paying for their kids. They're either parents or alumni. They're already given so much school and you have to call and ask them. There's an ask ladder and you have to start here, and then it's just sales. I hate sales any door. My dad made me do a door to door cable sales for a summer. I hate convincing people to spend money on something I don't believe in. I just hate it. I hate it. I remember I had to do door to dude, going up door to door. I I did real estate for you know, a long time, and this guy and we had a new like Boston. He made me like go to the person's house and be like, hey, do you want to sell your house? And the person's like get the fuck out? How much? You know? No, no, no, but like really like it's it feels extremely awkward, doesn't it. When you're walking up It's like a slow walk up the driveway. Yes, the idea that you were just trying, it's just your shyster like unless I really believe. I don't want anyone to ever spend money on anything unless they wanted. I don't want have to convince you. Same with dating. I don't want to convince you to like me. Like, I you just gotta do it otherwise I feel like, I'm um, I'm lying. Have you tried door to door with I mean backdoor to back door because guys always sneak me in? That wasn't an anal joke. Um, I have to write back to this thing right now. So sorry the font is so small? Um? Okay, uh best job, top top top job, I mean this excluding probably yeah, it has to be from our past, I'm thinking, I mean, no, not necessarily. The most fun people I ever worked for is when I worked in grilled cheese and I was a grilled cheese cashier. Didn't have to great people when they walked in like yeah, like welcome to that's what they tried to get me a dude, like welcome to mos, Welcome to melt shop. Hey, welcome to milt shop. Yeah. Every time you walk into place that hey, when they go welcome and you're just like you don't you just hear the door bing and then you just like it's like you're on on autopilot. It doesn't feel personal. But the people I you know, a lot of these jobs that I had later on in life I should have had when I was like seventeen and I would have learned about work ethic and making money and stuff. But I did it when I was you know, thirty, you know, thirty years old. But I took this job when I first moved to New York to do stand up. I was sleeping on a couch and uh, I knew the guy that owned the melt shop and he gave me a job. And I was the cashier. But the people that worked there, I mean, the job stopped, but what they were so funny. I mean this guy day day Ron I never told you about day Roun day Ron Wash, this black guy from like Brooklyn who definitely like he was just like they say the most outlandish things, or he would not they you know what I mean. And he goes, uh he said to me one time. He goes, um, because you're you drew right, And I go yeah, he goes, you know, I like them jew girls. They got them green eyes. He goes, I found them so hard they turned black. And I was like their eyes turned black because he sucked him so hard with his black penots. And then I go, well, can I have sex with a black girl and make her eyes turned green? He goes, Now, you got that jud dick. Black girl's eyes aren't black, by the way, Yeah, you I just think about that, do you know what I'm saying? Yes, But for you saying that the girls, oh gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, I don't know why they would turn black then, And I mean they would turn black, like their eyes would turn black, or they would as a person would turn black. Their eyes would turn black green to black. So you were just making a joke that could I change a black girl's eyes two green eyes? But even though some black, Yes, there's some fallacies in the analogy when I bring it back the other way, and he said, no, you got that j dick, So you couldn't do that. Especially my dick is too small to turn anyone's eyes any color, which is not wrong. Yeah, I mean that this is all It's all makes sense why you have the dick thing, and this is all only playing into it. Oh yeah, the fear of not having a big enough dick. And yeah, yeah, but you know my girlfriend said, my dick is good. Yeah, I'm sure she's happy. Lesbians don't complain that their girlfriends don't have a big dick. Is not that important the size of your dick. I'm really serious, Like, I don't understand why people go, oh, I need a big dick. I need to have a big dick. It's like, if you're lesbian, do you think that lesbians and women street women both like the feeling of something inside that. But this guy on sex Life has a long elephant cock. It changed his whole life. Yeah, and it. But that's because women don't understand that you can use dildos, and they go, it's not warm. There's ones that warm up. You're saying. All these women women that are like became a fans of this guy not because of his acting, because of his long freaking elephant cock. They're just not smart enough to think about if they could date a guy with small dick and just have the any size thing put in them that would feel exactly like that guy's dick and actually would feel better. Because you can operate a dildo much easier if you're using here, a vibrating dildo, a dildo, whatever you want, you can operate that. A guy can operate that on a woman much easier than he can with if it's I always give the analogy of like if you're trying to if you have a hammer on your dick and you're trying to nail something. It would be hard with your body to hit the nail, whereas with your hand it's very dextrous and you can do a lot more things with a dildo than you can your deck. But some would say it's it's connected to the body, so there's more. There's more. I get it, so put it somewhere else and then have the you know, have the other stuff. It's just I don't people go Nikki. There was because I was, you know, talking about the hooking up I've been doing recently. We should do a poll on our Instagram. Um, take a pole and shove it up your puss because you don't need I'm just telling women out there, like, stop this whole thing of Like, even I I blew people's minds the other day when I was I was talking about, Um, I blew my own mind because I've been like a little bit ashamed of being someone who's just only doing everything except vaginal sex, being like I have that kind of that one kind of sex. Every time now I hook up, like five times a week, I'm having Yeah, I'm going through the back door. And there was a part of me I was like, no, that was that time. Um, I think that for a while, even you know, a week ago, I was feeling like, oh my god, that's so like I'm such a slut, Like that's such a gross thing to do, like that's a special occasion thing, like oh my god, what's wrong with you? And then I was like, wait, thinking what about gay men in relationship that have sex five times a week? Would you be would you be weirded of if you found out a gay couple at sex five times a week, you wouldn't go, oh my god, he's having anal sex five times a week. But when I say I have anal sex five times a week, it's somehow like, oh, she's such a slut. It's like no, And it doesn't mean that poop is falling out of my ass all the time and that I just have a gaping. It's like, none of that is true. If gay men can walk around and not be shipping their pants constantly, it doesn't change anything about you to have more animal sex than that could be. Why you like a small penis thought, No, No, I like a big penis actually, but I like uh I but that doesn't mean anything to any of my partners Back now, you like a big penis. I like big things in me, but it needs to be it could be a dildo, but I like big stuff, but I don't need it to be the man's penis that's operating the things that they could. So if a man has a big dick, then he's coming with something that you like. But a guy with a small penis can bring things in a bag that I like way more than a dick that's connected to a guy, because sometimes you don't want a big dick. And then ordered so many toys online to get good stuff. So my up your best job was, and we know what my best job is? Now, No, what was your best job? Am I allowed to say radio? Or are we going before that? Okay? So definitely working on You Up was my favorite job ever. And I say it because you know, uh, when I worked in radio, I had a lot of fun jobs and I really really love working in radio. But when I started working on a show called You Up with Nikki Glazer, I feel like all the parts that I loved in radio were there. And then also there was a lot more um fun stuff and like bonuses added where it was like I loved a percent of my job. There was no part of it where I was like dreading or like oh I gotta get this done. I love that. Yeah, I felt the same way. And we've put all of that into this obviously, and um yeah, it just all felt like it came together. And I always felt that from you two of like you were always just having a great time and really grateful for the experience, as was I, And um yeah. If I take out doing podcasting as a job in radio, my best job was f Boy Island. Like it was just working in reality being myself on camera, not having to memorize lines, being able to be funny, while also hosting a reality show, which is my favorite kind of uh thing to to watch. It was just the perfect show. It was like my perfect job, and I was in paradise, I was on location. It's a different world. You get to meet new people and be on this like cast with people, but there's again no memorizing lines. I'm doing something I'm extremely good at, which is hosting mixed with uh. I just was any job where you just feel comfortable and you don't go I'm not ready for today, what am I gonna do? And then when it's over, you go, God, I just want to hang out. Every time we would wrap, I would wrap and I'd go like, I don't want to go back to that. I just want to keep hanging at work. It's like summer and you don't age there. Yeah, it really is all right. Well, let's get the final thought. Um I wanted to tell you that last night I went on Bumble because I'm um my. I convinced my friend to go on Bumble. She's someone that has been like, I don't want to go on the dating apps. I'm never gonna go. They're not for me. And I'm just like, stop this, that's not interesting. I'm so tired of people saying I don't do I can't do them. It's like, oh, really, does do you think anyone ever wants to go on dating apps? Everyone has felt that way. Stop it. Stop being like no, but you don't understand me. I'm different. I can't go on those. It's so embarrassing. Everyone feels that way. Just bite the bullet into It's the only way to meet people. This girl isn't going out in socializing. She's because of COVID and where she lives. There in places to go. I go the app. It's the only and I know you're scared people in your town will see you on it, but they're on it if they see you, so there's nothing to be ashamed of. Just do it. So she finally signed up yesterday. I got to her and UM, and I go, you know what, I'm going to swipe too, because it is fun to swipe and to see what's out there. And I started swiping in St. Louis. I found a guy who looks exactly like a guy that I was once in love with. Like, literally, I'm going to show you this person and you tell me how much they look like the person. It is honestly insane. Wait, what's going on here? This update my profile? No says I'm three ft? No do I work out? Skip all this ship? I just sent him three feet on here and they're not gonna believe and you don't work out? Wait? What did I just said I was a weird religion. I think I just said I was not a weird religion, but not my religion. You okay, look at this guy, he wrote back to me. I can't even read what he wrote. I'm nervous. Um, look at this guy's picture and you tell me this isn't the St. Louis version of someone I was once in love with. Keep going, keep going on it, go down his name? Can say his name? Yea Andrew? Yeah? Yeah, I mean that insane. How much that looks like someone from my past, like identical, and I'm horny for him. I don't even know this guy, and this guy is not someone I generally be attracted to, But because I was attracted to the spirit behind the person that this guy reminds me of, I am now projecting all of that onto him, and I'm going to actually have closure. I wrote the guy, can I can I go to it? Did you already read what I wrote? No? I'm just amazed by how much he looks like he's Like I said, Hi, you're one of the best looking men at St. Louis. Congrats. That was my intro and bubble He didn't often because he's he's not traditionally that handsome, But to you, I said in St. Louis. Yeah, I said, you're one of the best looking men in St. Louis. Congrats. I think that's a good intro. No, is that too much? Be honest? I like it's cute. It's obviously not like he said, thanks, But most of my friends say, I just take a good picture. Maybe be meat for a drink sometime if you're If you'd like to weigh in on the debate. I like that he does any drinks, but I'll watch him drink. I'm definitely gonna meet up with this guy. He's so cute. He looks exactly like that guy. I'm not gonna tell him that, but it might be. We'll hear this um an umbrella and um okay, we've got to go at the well. Thank you, stop it, guys, Thank you so much for listening to this show this week. They're always on Breddit being like what are these fashion xt mean? What are they trying? And it means nothing you guys, I didn't. I mean there's stuff here and there, but I'll it will all be revealed at some point. Thank you so much for listening to the show today. We have a great week lined up for you. I'm going to reconnect with an X on one of the episodes this week. Right no, uh, yes, uh, sat tuned for that. Yes, we're gonna have a listener mail as we always do. On Thursday tomorrow. We will have a Reddit dump. I've got some good stuff for you. And Andrew will be here all week and we're gonna be here in St. Louis together and I can't wait. Thank you for listening, besties. Uh follow us on Instagram, Nikki Glaser Pod. It's private, so you'll have to be request access and UM rate and review on whatever podcast thing you listening to. Um. Do you listen to podcasts on a Spotify? Oh? You do Spotify? Okay, I do Apple podcasts, but I think I'm going to try like Stitcher one of those I don't even know anymore, or maybe the I Heart Radio the I Heart app, which is a great one because we are an I heeart radio podcast. That's the probably the easiest way to find us. And they have so many good podcasts, especially in our sweet network Big Bunny Players. Yes, it's Will fucking Ferrell. We always forget about that. Yeah, well Will Ferrell has put his stamp of approval on this show with Lost culture restas uh poug uh And what was that? There's a new one, The Daily zeitgeys current Kerm like you you're friends with him, so mehow let's get out of your friend Camil. Thanks guys, we will get to borrow on the show. It's Nikki Glags podcast, Don't Be Kut and