Between you and Nikki, she's on her way to deserving nice things. Andrew is not too lazy to repeat his story about lazy side sex that is an all too familiar tale for Nikki who highlighted it back in 2013. Things keep coming back around on this magical episode that no one planned for. In between these moments Nikki and Andrew discuss public lewdness, formatting texts to guys and how the Stock Market "reads the vibe". Lots of gems in the Listener Mail and in the Final Thought Nikki is skeptical about Andrew's dad's fear of flying.
Catch Nikki on Real Time with Bill Maher, Friday 6/18 and got to nikkiglaser.com/tour to find Nikki's tour dates to see her and Andrew on the road!
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Nicky Giser Podcast N years Nicky, Hello, I don't know what sound just came out of my throat at the end there it was like a weird rattle. Oh, it's early, as it's early Shirley, I hope there's a woman listening named Shirley. No one names our kids Shirley anymore. It's a great name. Um damn, it's early, uh seven fifteen over on the West coast. And uh we're doing this early today because Andrew's got to hit the road and um he's going to visit his family. Be a good, good uncle, brother, brother, uh son, Father's day? You get it? Um? And uh no, you almost like didn't wake up for today because your phone, as you said earlier, committed suicide. Yesterday. Talked about this because it is bizarre when your phone decides to just stop. Your worlds also decides to stop like it's you don't even like. It's unbelievable, how crippling and uh just how much your a phone malfunction can ruin your life. What happened, Well, I dropped it a couple of days ago, so the home screen stopped working. Did you drop it from a tall building or it? Did it leap from a parking garage. Did it really actually try to commit suicide? You know when you like drop your phone and it hits your foot and then it's skids and you're like and it almost goes into the subway. You're like, oh my god, I almost kicked my phone. Okay, so you dropped it and then it's an iPhone, right, Yeah? I have an iPhone or have Rest in Peace, And yesterday I was using it and it died, you know, like the battery. Are we talking what number we got? Because I don't even know what number I'm on. I'm guessing mine is like a fucking what what? What? What's the what's the latest? Is the latest? Yeah? I think I have an eleven too, Like I think I do have an eleven, remember a new one? But mine was the seven. What you're still pressing the button to get back to the home screen. Oh, girl, no, I missed that button. I was. I stayed on that button for a while. I felt like when I got my new phone, it was like, girl, get get rid of the button, but you were still on the button. My mom is the only person that still has that button. I loved the button, but yes, you became depended on it and now, so so what what stopped working? First? The well, the battery was just running out all the time, right, so it was always having to be plugged in. Yeah, it was on self destruct mode. It was like it tells you it needs help, It leaves you sign it's crying for help, and we ignore it. Andrew famously like his phone in the Cayman Islands, was so discussing. First of all, he is too cool for a case, which you can't be too cool for a case. I think he still doesn't use a case, and the case is made for people like Andrew Colin. I mean they that are that drop things that don't really treat me too. By the way I hashtag, I am also someone who doesn't treat things very well. And I throw them and I dropped them and uh like I, um, did I tell you about the rings I damaged? Oh yeah you did. This is a prime example. I don't think I talked about it on the show because I was so scared my mom might hear it. Um. I when I went to the I Heart Radio Awards speaking of this is why we can't have nice things, I was when you get styled for these things, your stylists get loaned out stuff that they needed then return. I got eight rings given to me, one on each finger that isn't my thumb, and I was like bedazzled with these gold cool rings. And they were like, these are really expensive. Don't lose them. And I was like, I will not. They were are tight, and like thank you for saying that, because I probably would if you didn't say that, but like cool, so I was like, don't lose them, don't lose them. I clapped so much that night that I damaged. They got the rings back. One of the rings broke and I knew that, and I was like, that's going to be costly because something snapped off it. I don't even know if it was a diamond. I don't know if it was like I didn't even look at the rings closely, but something snapped off one of the rings. But then I was so clap heavy the whole night that they wrote me back and they go what happened to these? Like was there some kind of accident. It reminded me again of Seinfeld when he left his suitcase in a meeting with a recorder in it so he could hear his coworkers talk about him and he gets he goes back in to get his suitcase and he listens to the recording to see if there's coworkers are talking about him so funny and uh he hears the recording and it's like, hey, John, could you move that chair? Oh God? And then you hear and and everyone's like what could that have been? What happened? It's just like, oh, they just like dropped the suitcase or so like it was just nothing but literally, my the way, George was like what what could have happened in that recording and something? So like that's how my stylists were like what did you do? Like? Did were you? Did someone else get ahold of these rings? Because I returned them. I didn't even look at them. I just put them in this little purse that I returned everything with. And they were like, what happened in these rings? Were you assaulted? Were you? Did you throw them in a rock tumbler? And um, the truth is A clapped too much and I damaged all of them and I got the message, the text message from them. They were then they were like my two two of my good friends, and they were like we're so sorry, Like there's going to be a fee too undamaged these and I was like I swallowed my like I just like stealed myself. And I was like, you know what, I don't know. I have no concept of how much these rings are. You know, you hear things on the red carpet, they're like it's millions of dollars, Like I don't know what kind of world, And I don't know jewelry. I don't care about jewelry. It literally could have been from H and M, and I wouldn't like. I mean, I could tell it was like weighty good stuff and it looked great, but I don't have a good eye for that stuff. If I ever get married, give me a cubic zarconia, I don't care. I like will not know. I was like prepared for it to be massive, like amount of money. That's like, okay, I could have bought a tesla, Like that's what that was. It wasn't that much money, but I'll tell you what, it was a fucking lot of money. It wasn't thirty dollars, but it wasn't nott It was a lot of them. I don't even say how much it was because my mom would go, oh, oh god, Nikki, why did you clap because I was having fun. I'm not gonna say them ount she's gonna assume it's more if she ever hears this. I don't know why I'm so scared of my mom hearing it. My mom just hates when I have to spend money and anything. But I told him. Missilas were so sad. They were like, Nicky, We're so sorry you have to pay this much, and I was like, girls, it's a great lesson. I am glad that this happened because someday I will wear millions of dollars of jewelry. And if I didn't know not to clap in this lesson, this cheaper lesson, I would not have learned that lesson, and I might owe way more money than I do. Like this might happen at the Academy Awards because I'm gonna be a clappy bitch that night, But now I know to clap like Nicole Kidman in the famous gift where she's clapping her palms and not her fingers. That's why she's doing that, because she's wearing a bunch of loan or jewelry. She doesn't want to dent up um and so I had to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to have these rings that I don't own repaired, and um I don't. Thankfully. The lesson was I had enough money to cover up. So that was like I was so grateful for that. Lucky, lucky, lucky. And also I learned a cheaper lesson than I would eventually learned down the road. You have to look at everything in life this way of like, I'm glad it happened because it's saving me down the road from something either more devastating, more detrimental. I don't know how to spend this for like literally everything in your life. But that was that was that was a test for me because I really could have gotten my head about that, and granted, yeah it did, I'm lucky that it didn't devastate me. We'd be talk having a different conversation now if it was like the last money in my account, which I know some people sometimes run into that where they owe all they have and bitch, you should have learned a lesson earlier when you made a cheap mistake. I'm just kidding. Uh, it's no, it's it's it was a lesson, But I literally did I wrote them and might eye list were like, we can't even believe this outlook like they were so scared to even tell me. And I was like, girls, this is the greatest lesson, this is a great day. I was like, I'm thankful you're saving me. I literally looked at it like I'm saving thousands of dollars in the future. That's how I had to look at it. But the phone thing, Andrew, he needs to get a case. No, what did you have a case on your phone? I did have a case? Okay, I mean it was just old. It's just old. It was ready to go. You dropped it. It's like an old person breaking their hip, you like gently, like a gentle fault. Can like be the thing that like it's time to go, It's time to say goodbye to Nana. That way you said you're goodbye to your phone. It is sad, though, because you have so much in there that you need to back up, like the cloud. I have been storing stuff on the cloud since Here's what I'm grateful for vice. So I haven't imported any of my images, my photos, or videos from my phone in the five years that I've had it. For some reason, that morning, I was like, I'm just going to figure out how to do this, and I imported the and photos and videos onto my hard drive. I mean, that is cosmic. And then it died. Your phone was on its last breaths, and it was but you didn't know what's going to die that day, I had no idea. I keep all of my phones because I never back them up and they're just photo albums. Yet do I ever charge up those photo albums and go through there? Nary a time? Never there are pictures that I go I would love that picture as a TBT, but it's in some phone, that's in some bin, that's in some storage container with a bunch of other bullshit, like it's next. All my phones are like next to Bunyan correctors I bought over the years, and like vape pens, like one of those bins you just throw a bunch of trash and when you move, you know, different tangled necklaces. We gotta get Andrew in here. I'm trying to think of anything. So I'm going on Bill Mare as you know, on Friday, and he wrote me yesterday. I've been working with his producers so oh nice, because they are like really hands on. I want to know, so I want to know everything you know. I want to throw jokes at them and be like is this good? Is this not good? Producer Michelle is incredible that yeah, segment producers are. I didn't know the backbone of these shows, like I work in the industry, and I was like, still took me a while to figure out, Like you can, I can. I told her I could go out there and just like drool and mumble and based on how you you know, produce me, I will still kill. That's how good they are. My outfit for Bill Maher is so chic, It's so good, It's like perfect. I wrote my stylens. I was like, I wanted to be like sophisticated, like I'm smart, but like also like like I'm cool and like not and that I don't really belong being there, but like I'm trying to be there but not trying to Like I gave them this whole thing and we nailed it. I'm so excited about my outfit, which is you know when you feel good when you're dressed for the job, dressed for the job you want, and the job I want is to be the opening guest on Real Time with Bill Maher and um. But anyway, he wrote me later on in the day and said, Uh, it was just like, you know, I'm so excited to have you wrote this whole thing of like these are the topics I I'd be interested in talking to you about. This is kind of like where I want to go and and you know, kind of reiterated what I had already figured, which um or I already figured based on how I was produced. But like, you don't need to treat this like a cone in or a late night thing where it's like Joko joke, like I just get to go as long as I just go out there and sit and have like a real present conversation where I'm actually listening to him and I'm responding with my thoughts in the moment. I can't suck it up. So that's just so freeing that you don't have to have anything really prepared, which I do, you know, but all my punch lines, if they happen, they're gonna happen in real time. There's no like I gotta get this one in. Um. But he did say he might ask me about because we're gonna talk about Cancel culture, you might ask me about Louis, and I've never even I've given my opinion I think on podcasts, but that's always as safe space. Um, I really have to articulate how I feel about it for Bill Maher because you know, he he really doesn't like he He's he really angers the woke crowd. You know, he's been canceled before, politically incorrect. He like does not like getting people getting canceled. I once was like pro canceling people like I also have been anti campling, like I'm all over the place, but I also acknowledged I don't know what I am. But the Louis thing, I do have the opinions. I'm trying to get them in a really I'm trying to get them in a place where I they are airtight. My um, my defense of not canceling him, if that's the case, if that's what I'm gonna say, you don't even know that's what I'm gonna say. And my opinion about what happened with him, and and the thing is, I have to do my research a little bit today on because that's the thing on these guys that have been canceled. Everyone just assumes you know what what happened, right, like Louis, he jerked off in front of girls, and then there's always a thing of did he block the door? Did he prevent them from leaving? I don't. I know that that's a big deal. I don't really he actually he did not block the door, apparently from both both the girls and him. But these are details I need to figure out. For instance, army Hammer. I want everyone to listen up right now. The army hammer thing. When you hear a joke about army hammer, don't make make don't go ha ha. Cannibalism so funny the text, that's not why we're canceling army hammer, or that's why not why he should be uh, we should be angry with him, don't king shame. I don't care if a guy says he wants to eat someone's liver. He branded a girl when she didn't want to be branded, that that could be because some gray area, because she was tied up and I don't know what he thought she wanted. Like that is just bad b DSM practice on his part. If he branded a girl and he thought she wanted it when she was tied up because she had a ball guy in her mouth and stuff like there can be you need safe words. So he's he's a bad person if he did that, and she apparently did not want it, So fuck you Army Hammer for that. But the big thing is you need to You need to watch his ex girlfriend talk about how he raped her. That is the one that is no longer a joke about who he wants to eat her arm Cannibal isom army humor or not, he is not. He's he's not a monster. Because of that, he's a monster. If what his girls girlfriend said about how he broke up with her, you need to go look at the details of that. I'm not gonna get into it because it's so fucking harrowing, but it's wild, and yes, you can rape your girlfriend for four hours. By the way, go look into it. It's disturbing. I'm sorry to always end things with on like a bad note. It's seven fifteen in the morning, Andrew's got to get on a plane. Let's get him in here. Yes, and and watch me on Bill Maher because uh it might be my last TV appearance. But so what I say about louis because people do not like to when people defend not canceling people, I think I mean bottom line, I just don't. You'll see what. You'll see my opinion. You'll see my opinion on Friday when I when I solidify it, because I don't know what it is yet. All right, let's get any Oh Andrew, how's it going? How are you holding down the fort? Just sleep? First of all, I love your robe. I am yeah, you know, I woke up. I'm not night sweating so much. It's actually not. It's very coarse. It's a very heavy robe, nice hotel heavy robe. Um, but I'm wearing it because you don't. I didn't bring any sleep clothes. No, I should have brought that thing. I love that thing. Um. Robes are so essential. I I definitely enjoy them. I don't. I don't know what I'm I'm doing. God, I have to get my nails done. Um. What what I had? Um? It was funny last night. I you know, I wanted to get a good night's sleep. I wasn't really feeling that well, so I took I want and got ze quill. You huh what did you eat that made you feel that well? I just didn't feel well earlier in a day, like had like a cold of some sort, like stuffy and I wish. Uh, so I went to and got ze quill. We both took it, we both you. You discovered ze quill at your girlfriend's a few weeks ago, and you were like Nikki, like I found out what could get me to sleep, and like I didn't wake up through the night. Because Andrew is the thing where he wakes up throughout the night. I don't. I don't relate to that. And as a person with sleep issues, but I'm sure a lot of people do you wake up throughout the night and you can't get back to sleep or yeah, so I wake up around two am, and I stay up usually for two and a half hours, and I do a lot of searching not sold just on the internet, and uh, I find you're boddie. I gotta be honest with you. I think your body knows now, like two am, you get to go. You get this little hit at dopamine, and so you're waking up. You know, when you wake up early on Christmas morning when you're kid or like Jewish holiday kid things, and you wake up early and you're like, oh, I got so excited, or you wake up early, you know, like your body is excited about that dopamine hit like sometimes I wake up early. If I'm like have a good meal to like a breakfast, I'm going, you know, like, so you gotta get out of the habit of doing you cannot go on your phone at two am. I know you're never gonna do that because you're an impulsive little boy. But that's why your body is waking up. It's not because no, you're you're you're impulsive and you you aren't good at You need to put it in a safe at night or something. So Okay, you got sequel from your girlfriend, but you you told me the next day like it was some miracle drug. Like I understand melotonin because it's like a natural supplement, but sequel is like, you know, that's scissored, like you're you're messing with Like, actually, Zequel has and I love how you And now I know why you said you had a little cold, so you've got an excuse to kick some Zequel. No, that's why you preface it was cold because you knew do it. I didn't feel well and wanted to chug that scissor because you took it. I gave you. I had modest you the first time you took it. I go don't take that stuff unless you're actually sick, and so this time you had to preface it with I was a widow sick. I hate when you do this. I hate when you don't. I know what I did. I was feeling shitty before. It was an after fact. So I I had a cold, and uh so I took the zequil. She took the zequil. We passed out and I didn't sleep well throughout the night. Actually I was kind of delirious, and then I woke up at seven still half asleep. She was half asleep. I'm leaving for six days. So we decided, hey, maybe we should try to have sex, but neither one of us wanted to do to work because we were both still very groggy from the ze So I go, let's have sex sideways like Slaus, where we just kind of just, you know, tap, just dip it in. And she had laughing because she looked at my face and I was literally half asleep, still probably more asleep than I was throughout the night, and she's dying laughing at my face. I can't stay hard. I go here, just take the toy. I'm gonna go shower. You come. She goes no, I want you to watch me. I go. You don't want to see my face. I get I threw the toy at her, I took a shower, I came out. She was dying laughing. We got coffee, great morning, and so I warmed her up for the toy. I was a human fluffer for a robot, and I feel great about it. So I love that story. I couldn't help but pull up a clip of my own stand up from two Did you even listen to this story? I just I give up up there after a couple of seconds. If I'm up there, he's already given up. We're getting to it now. What that's when you break out the old side sex? Have you done that? Are you just? It's the laziest, so gross, it's it's how you finish it. Definitely is no effort involved. You was pat yourself on the bath afterwards in the post sex rape, Like, what was the last thing we did that was wild? We should contact Comma Sutra and let them know. Oh, you mean the two dead cows on the side of the road, that old classic. Uh yeah, uh, Simpsons did it, And by Simpsons I mean Nikki Glazer did it. Two side sex is so funny, and obviously I wasn't a good enough comedian until like actually explore the premise there more than just a couple of dumb lines. I was a young comic, but uh yeah, side sex is the laziest because you literally just it's like you're cuddling and then he puts himself into it's it's like you're spooning, and then you just put a penis in. You know, there's no muscular effort that is needed, and then you just kind of you just kind of like go like like you just kind of wig, like you thrash about like a dying animal. Yeah, I wasn't listening to you. Can you repeat the part about because our listeners probably you know, got distracted as well at some points to the podcast. It helps, it helps to go back. You didn't took you so you had the side sex. She looked at your face you were asleep, and then something about a shower. I was asleep. So then she kept laughing at me. She couldn't stay horny because she looked over and I looked like a dead bear, just like hold on, were you behind her or like, were you like having missionary side side side of her so she was kind of like still turned a little bit to me where she turned behind Yeah, yeah, yeah, she could still behind. You said it was dog, you're behind her. It wasn't missionary, okay, yeah right, okay, so then you then what happened with the shower? Sorry? So then I she kept laughing and I wasn't. How often, by the way, do you have to retell stories to me? I mean, we have to do it to each other. I love that you're not insulted right now. Thank you for not being insulted. It's a bad host etiquette to not have listened to your story, but I apologize. So anyway, how did the shower come into it? I thought you were laughing at the story. Were you just laughing at you know, I was laughing at the story. I was laughing at her seeing your face sleeping, because that was the last thing I kind of heard you say, so long story short. Uh, she was laughing at my face because I was literally still like sleep like I was sleep fucking and and I couldn't the more she laughed, so we tried to scissor fox. So then you were laughing, right, So I started laughing. I go, look, I'm not gonna come. You're probably not gonna come because you're looking at my face with crusty eyes, like or I have krusty eyes. Here, just take the toy. Take the toy. I'll go shower, you come, it will be great, and she goes, no, I wanted to look at me. I'll go, you don't want to look at me. I'm gonna fucking shower. You're gonna come. I like it was like very like yeah, like you're gonna yeah, I got it, Like yeah, you're you're that's hot. Like you don't do it, then I'm gonna be mad at you. Yeah, that's so hot. I got in showered and I came out ten mins later and she's smiling ear to ear. She's like, I got it done. I love the the the BDSM type of like the subdomb relationship that you two have where you are just doing it so you don't have to like you're too lazy, like you're like you fucking do this and like and she's like, what like when guys are like lazy that, but but that's hot to be like told what to do and be like it to change your tone and be like you're gonna fucking do you're gonna come, and I'm gonna take a shower, and if you don't, if you haven't come by the time I get out of the shower, I'm gonna You don't even want to know what's gonna happen. Yesterday I was watching a porn where a guy. It was everything was perfect about it. The guy was like training his girlfriend to be a whore, you know, like he was like making her take on bigger and bigger toys. Yeah, yeah, it was. It was wipe out. It was at wipe come out of your eye. It's a new thing coming to wipe outd um. But it was so funny, Andrew, I should have recorded it. The funny thing is, even after saying the other day that when I see funny things on porn, I never think to like capture them because I'm not in a funny state of mind. I should should have done it. I need to like remember for the next time because this guy I should have record, like screen recorded and just recorded it for you. Because this guy is trying. Everything is perfect about I love porn where the guy is really vocal. You guys, seriously, if you ever find porn where the guy is like telling the good the girl, good girl, and like you're such a slut, like talking a lot, please send it to me because literally Mike the men Mike the men um. But this guy, you could tell that his girlfriend was the one that was like in on it, like the one that was like wanting it to be like because I've told guys before, hey, like they'll be fingering me. I'm like, tell me I can't come, and they're like what And I'm like, tell me I can't come until you say I can. And they're like, don't don't come, and I'm like, but like mean it and I'm like if it also try to make me come and like make me beg for. This guy definitely had the same talk with his girlfriend before. She was the one that orchestrated this because she's like, she goes, he goes, you better not come, and she's like and he's doing stuff to her. It's just like a shot from behind. It's one of those amateur shots, you know, where he's like putting stuff in her butt and uh, He's like you better not come, and she goes, what if I what if I do? He goes, you better tell ask me before you come. Don't come before asking me, and she goes, what if I do and he just goes, then you don't want to know? Like it was the most I was like it was, so he just goes, You don't you even want to know? It was you could. I literally saw the girl's pussy dry up, as he said, because I could tell like I've put my I've put myself in those situations where I want the guy to do something and they just can't stick it. It's not because they're not sexy to me or whatever. It's just like that thing I want recreated. Just the guy is not the type of guy to really put fear in me that he's going to hurt me if I don't ask before. I don't want to be hurt if I come and don't ask for it. But I want there to be a consequence that I somehow I go, Wow, this guy's wild. He might hurt me, Like I want to kind of question it, but not really. Again, when you practice these things, you need to have safe words. You need because a lot of times knows mean like yes, important. I can't wait to have a boyfriend to come up with all of these tactics. But don't enter into this world of like, uh, you know, sub submissive, dominate and if you're threatening someone, you need you need a consequence. You can't, you can't keep it open. I like, I like you don't. I like this is this is the way the guy should have said it. So let's do a role play. Okay, Andrew, Okay, so you're the girl Becky. I don't know why you're Becky. If you don't ask to come and you come, Um, you have to ask me before you come. You have to ask me. But what if I come first? Honestly, Becky, I don't even think you want to entertain that because of what I have in store if you come without asking. Did you hear your tone? It's it's really scary my tone. I still don't know what I'm gonna do to Bencky. My tone suggests that it's going you're gonna like, you know, when a mom goes, I don't if you like a mom doesn't even have a plan for getting grounded, like grounding you, but she'll come up with one. Yeah, that's what you tell me. You'll lose screen time. I'll take it away from that would be a whole Okay, literally, I might use that in my act. I'm gonna write it down to have a guy dominate me by saying no screen time, which is a Rachel Finstein line. She once told Sharad Small because Sharad was being annoying one night at the seller and she was started turning into a mom and she goes, Sharad, I'm gonna take away your screen time if you don't stop. She's and it was so funny, so I have to I would have to ask Rachel if I could use the screen time because that's the funniest fucking line. But um what I was going to say at the end of that, uh is good job retelling that story for me after I tried to derail it by proving to you that I thought of a joke before you. Um uh an. Also, good job at making your girlfriend feels kind of scared so you could get a good shower. And were you like morning in the shower when you got out and she came was there? I bet you were Morning? And I was like, and I bet you were turned on by yourself for being so dominant A little bit A little bit. Yeah, I just realized, based on that role play, though, that I'd be a good I think I could get into like, I think I would like to be in a relationship. I don't know if this is possible where I could be the dominant one at times and be like but I think it's more about I would need to bring in another girl in our relationship, and I would have to have I wouldn't want to dominate the guy. I'd want to aminate a girl with a guy that like my guy. So I think that could be in my future. UM, who knows, I am. I know that people are like Nicky stopped talking about sex. We get it, but I'm still figuring this all out. It's so interesting to me. Oh and I just the one thing I want to read before we get to the news. I did hornily when I was going through porn yesterday screenshot one of the titles that I was watching. And it's so these titles. This title was I had to screenshot. He torture my verging okay, verging okay, v I r G I n G. He torture my verging pussy until my shaking orgasm fingering pink clean pussy four K sexy moans. I mean, how many views does this video have with that title? I don't know, six point one million I mean, this guy is the like Mark Twain of of let Me See Again. He torture my verging pussy until my shaking orgasm think clean pussy fork four thousand sexy moans? Does that mean? Oh, four k means maybe the h the yes, yes, video, Okay. Why would you throw four k at the end and then write sexy moans after four four k sexy months? I mean it's it sounds like a bot made this, and that's probably what you guys. Will you please? I want our listeners to send us in hilarious porn titles if you can muster the strength to screenshot while you're jerking off to porn, and the funniest porn titles I need to hear. But it's just that one really like I want, like descriptive I want, and I want them to be like poorly written. That's like my favorite is like me shaking organs verging my verging pussy vergin. Someone definitely dictated that, like my mom sending a text my shaking virgin pussy vergin, like she said virgin, but it just corrected verging and my mom sent it. My mom actually wrote that title when she was on our way to aldi to check the uh discount. I gotta my my virgin pussy wet four k uh sexy bones. Let's get to the news. Seaweed sell it you what a great week of shows. You know, we're gonna have an amazing weekend. You're gonna have all the swells out there. You're gonna have so much fun. I really do feel that for all of you. I really do hope it happens. Okay, I'm man really gonna have swells. I might go surfing. Really yeah, I'll let you know, but I hope you do. Yeah. Pete asked me to go, and I'm like, I go, ha ha, I go, Pete, that's so funny that you would ask me. Never like never already goes, I go, my dad might want to my dad's in town. He goes, I would love to take your dad's surfing. I go, who are you? You're like that guy? Again? On Seinfeld, there's Elaine stating this guy who wants to take Jerry's parents around New York, and She's like, why does he want to hang out with Jerrys parents so much? It's that same thing where I was like, if you want, I'm gonna ask my I'm gonna call my dad after this podcast and be like, do you want to go surfing? And then I might go just watch them. You can do it. You're a great swimmer, but you know depend But I've never snowboarded, and I have never been able to stand up on a skateboard by myself, so I'm not good at that. But all right. A man was busted for brazen lye masturbating in broad daylight in Times Square, New York City, in front of the American Eagles store. Yeah. Yeah, that's the most probably most people possible. Uh, walk around that store, walk around that area during the day. You're really gonna now, isn't New York open again? Like, isn't New York and l A. By the way, l AS was open on June fifteenth. I got here on June fifteenth. Yesterday was sixteen. People are still wearing masks inside, Like there's different, different, everyone's doing their own thing. I mean, I'm glad the nation's open, but I'm guessing. Okay, this guy took his penis out and listens. He was probably homeless. Yeah, he was homeless. He lives in a shelter in Brooklyn. So the only thing I think is interesting is did he make a plan to take the two trains into the city to jerk off in the most part, you know what I mean, Like was this like a day for him? Because if if that's the case, it's hilarious because he's like, you gotta know that you're going to get busted, so he knows this isn't gonna last very long. Um okay, this man clearly has a lot of mental issues. And uh, I don't know. I wonder I bet it was a woman who told him to stop. A guarantee men, I feel like turn a blind eye to men doing gross things with their penises in New York City. As I found, it's usually some like old New York woman being like you put that away. No one wants to see that leroy or like Leroy sounds like a black name. I was actually picturing a white person when I said that the way, But like, I feel like women are the ones stuff I would probably go stop that, like I would be the one whereas I think, men, are you kidding me? I have a punch card, I've seen five, I I get two more and I get one free. No. The thing is you don't say anything because it's again. I'm I was just talking about on the opening, about how Bill mar is gonna ask me about the Louis stuffs were really know, you always pick stories that align with things I don't even know I'm gonna It's not just me. I'm giving Andrew credit for this too. It's the team team effort, I know. But like you both chose these stories and like didn't know I was going to talk about my feelings about Louie, Like, I'm so Bill Maher wants to talk to me about Louie to catch you up? Andrew, I love that. Did you bring up what you're going to say yet? Are you thinking about it? No? I said to him, I go, actually, I think I would love to talk. He asked my permission, like would that be okay? And I go, actually, I think I'm ready um to be canceled because me and Bill Maher, you know, the woke I didn't finish this off before Woke people do not like Bill Maher. They think like the there's like a lot of he although he's liberal, he they think that he is liberals. Uh, some wokes a lot There are a lot of people that don't like Bill Maher and think he's just a white man, say, like wanting to do what he wants. And he had a thing last week where he's like, I really liked his end of the show piece last week because he was talking about how everything, like how you know black lives matter, it was, everything is so important to keep fighting racism. But to act like we haven't made strides is insane, Like to act like we are in the same place we were, you know, fifty years ago, four years ago, Like it's getting better, they're still So he's like, don't stop the effort. But it doesn't mean we're not going like mission accomplished. But we we have to acknowledge that it has gotten better and that is good. We can't keep just piling on of like you know it's not enough, yes, but it doesn't mean we haven't accomplished things. Where then he made a great point of goes, he goes, guess what's not getting better? Guess what's never getting better? The climate a threat to democracy, like the homelessness in in l A and New York, Like there are things that aren't getting better and there are no significant like moments to go Okay, wow, we that wouldn't have happened two years ago. You know, he even says the Cast of Friends. I loved this point. He said, the Cast of Friends on their reunion, that whole thing they did for a two bax. He goes, it looked out of place, because never if you took in a show and said we're going to have four six white people living together with mostly white people around them as a sitcom, you'd get laughed out of the room, out of any room you pitched that in now, and that was not you know, that was twenty five years ago, and now that would not fly because we like to see diversity on TV, and it's a good thing that we have that, but that is a change that we have to acknowledge. And but then there's other things like you know, I just loved when he said climate change, Like that's our environment is only getting worse. Yet we we never we never, It's not like we never talked about that, but that is something that, like, you know, we're not gonna be around long enough to fix racism more if we don't put our efforts to other things, which I feel guilty sometimes because I'm such a vegan animal rights advocates and I don't advocate for human rights as much as animal ones, because I can't do everything anyway. I'm gonna talk about Louis brings us back to the jerking off thing. Um, when you're a woman that has a penis taken out in front of you in a situation where you're alone with the man, or even if he's like close to you with his penis out. And I've done a bit about this, you think that you'll be able to go because I've seen a penis on the train that was meant for me. A guy was standing in front of me. I was sitting on the train. It was packed in. He was a casual looking man, didn't look like a dirty person that would take out his penis. All of a sudden, a man his penis is in my face, like a foot from my face, and I see it out and almost looks like it's out of his pants in a way that he doesn't know it's out, like it's a mistake. And I thought it was a tattered bell first, And then I moved and in the belt had girth, Like this is all a bit I used to do. But my point is like I got out my phone slowly because I want to take a picture of it. And um, but then I spooked him and he ran away. But I was I would never be someone to be like, put your dick away, because you don't know if that guy what he's going to do with his stick. If a guy is brazen enough to take his penis out, what else is he capable of? You don't know. So in Times Square I would be brazen enough. I would. I can't say that I would. I would think I'd be brazen enough because I protected by people around me. But also in New York City, I was on a train with people around me, and I did not feel protected because people just kind of in New York you're on your own, bitch. That's kind of the you know. So I would never be called dead an American eagle, I'll tell you that. I mean, it's what it was, jerking off in American in front of American you and before going Hollister it's a little darker, you can get away. Andrew, Oh, that's hilarious, like a lifeguard. Uh, Andrew, have you ever seen a person jerking off in um New York City? Yeah, yes I have, And I didn't say anything. I walked by and I yeah, I was homeless. I've never seen like a regular, like everyday normal person with their dick out. Have you seen an everyday normal person with your dick out, like a guy that you wouldn't suspect, like it didn't make sense, but it was like he was sneakily doing it. I've seen a lot, Yes, I have. It's a power thing. It's not about them wanting to They want you to see it and they want you to freak out and be frozen. They love that. They love you to be like yeah, and they jerk off to your scaredness. It's not like because guys people always go just jerk off alone, Why do you need a girl? It's like, it's not about jerking off. It's about the power that they feel over people that are stunned into like shock, and that's what they get off on. And that's why what Louis did was not It tells me more than he's just a perv that like to jerk off in front of women and make them watch. We all have our own thing. I like guys to tell me I can't come. It's a weird thing. Louie has to have that need met in a way that the woman can be consenting. But part of Louis fetish is the non consent, unfortunately, and that's that's the problem. Like people go, why can't this person just do it in a safe way, and it's like, no, the if he gets consent, it takes like that guy going, uh, you don't even want to know what happened. It's going to feel like that to him if he sets up a scenario where someone watches him. He needs that element of I'm scared, I'm guessing uh, And I'm also scared that he's gonna hear me talk about him on Bill Martin reach out to me. Well, you could ask for consent and get consent, but that's still especially he talks about he goes, he goes, next time, I'll I'll ask more than once, like essentially like still putting the onus almost on the victims still somehow, but now he essentially he's saying, I asked forcing consent, which sounds kind of crazy, and you can yes, but it was in a situation where you're definitely gonna get a yes, like asking a woman. I understand, like there's how what are you supposed to send a telegram? I'm about to ask you a question that might make you uncomfortable? Are do you? Are you okay with that? Okay, let me ask the first part, can I please? Are you good with that part? Like? How you know? Like how much do we have to ask? I get that there, but he the question can I masturbate in front of you? When taken out of context in a situation where two girls are in your hotel room and it's not a sexy situation and it's bluntly asked, is almost as bad as taking out your penis. It's like it puts you into a state of shock of like okay, and you might say yes to something you don't want, and then there's a gray area of like he did ask, but what and they they might have said yet whatever it is, I don't know the exact story, but I need to watch a special before I go on that show. Next story, next story, Here it comes okay. Um, here's what experts say that you text when you want to rekindle an old hook up. So this isn't like someone you dated. It's just like an old hook up, especially post COVID. Now, so here's a few lines of this. This expert, repert uh says, it's a good idea. I thought this was a study at first. Of all, you were saying it so experts say, if you want to rekindle an old hook up, this is what you should do. Is that what we're reading? Yes? Yes, correct. Okay, So it's been a minute. How have you been. It's been I've been thinking about you. It'd be fun to get together soon. I see you chef and on I g guess it took a year to lock that lock down for you to learn how to cook. I feel a little vulnerable here, but I'm curious to revisit things between us, and I'm wondering how you feel about it. Oh my god, this is hilarious because what if someone was listening to our podcast and was just like, Okay, I'm going to write down whatever he says, and they said, that's all those things you said sound like something I would send in one block, like all of those things together, like like I always overwrite every like you could you overthink? And it's yeah, I remember. And you were like, Nicky, it's too much. It's a lot, And I go why and You're like, it's a lot, and I was like, listen, it was just like what Joe Rogan said, I'm a lot and I was like, what do you mean, and he's like, you're just a lot and I was like, I don't I don't know what that means. Which it was like when David Tell told me I was defensive in two thousand six and I didn't understand what that word meant. I literally didn't know what defensive meant. It was so embarrassing I was. I met David Tell and it was two thousand five at the Insomniac Tour. I was with my best friend Katherine. To make this very short, UH, we were at the We went to go see Dane Cook perform live. Uh. And it was it was Dane Cook, David Tell, Sean Rouse, Greg Giraldo. They were all doing a thing at the House of Blues. Turned out it was a TV taping. We didn't know that. They asked us to be seen fillers because we're too hot chicks. They put us in the second row. We got invited to the v I P party. Later. I had just started doing comedy. My friend Katherine went up to all the comics and was like, Nicky just started comedy. Was so embarrassing. I told her. I was like, do not mention it. I don't want to like these guys do not respect anyone that's been doing comedy for like a year, like just let's play cool. And I do remember though that later in the night I got drunk and um, I knew that Sarah Silverman, who was I was obsessed with that time. She was like my tailor swift at the time. I knew she dated David Tell and so I was like so excited being his presence. Asked like, David Tell is just like my favorite, and um, he was like he I think he was drinking at the time, so he was not the kind person that he was. He is not like he is kind person, but he was a little bit volatile when he was drinking, I believe because he was not that nice to me because he was like, oh, you wanna be Sarah Silverman really like he was doing and he goes and I go, he goes say something funny, then say one funny thing. I haven't heard you say one funny thing. All night We're like hanging out and I was like, I don't know what to say. What do you want, Like I don't have like do you want me to let joke? And he was like, whoa, this one's defensive, So defensive, and I go, I don't why I'm not being defensive. I don't know what defensive even I didn't know what defensive meant. And my friend Catherine I had taken me aside and be like, you literally are like it means that you just like I have to defend like I didn't know what it meant. Um, that's a long way to say that. Uh yeah, you wrote that, guy, I know you being like Nickie. Now, it's just funny because I draft all of the text that I said guys that I'm worried about girls? Does anyone else out there do that? When you have a weighty text to send someone, you make a draft in your notes. So I have a note. I have literally a note. I put all of them together because I kept going through my phone. It's the same place I keep my stand ups. Every time I before I would go on stage, I would always go through my notes to be like, where's the last joke I wrote? You know? Um? And so I started seeing all these these taft drafts of texts, which when you look at them a month later, you're like, this is so dull? Why was I so worried about this text? So I decided to lump them all into one thing. And this is this is so funny. I have to add more because there's been so many more. So this is from You're so right. Okay, well, let's try to find a lyric in it. So these this is text two boys. I put them all in one place because they were all over hey you, hey, wait, hey you and I talked about me possibly coming by tonight. What do you think? Okay? That was all based on the book I was reading, because that guy did make plans with me, and it would always like be like, hey, let's hang out on Friday, and then like Friday would come and like I wouldn't hear from him. So that was my attempt. Then there was another one. Yes. Oh. Then there was another Oh. I can't read this one because it's like, yes, that happened. You and I were not in a committed relationship at the time. It wasn't something I felt comfortable telling you, and I'm sorry for how this must make you feel. Then there's another one. These are all just different boys, but I put them all in the same note. I had the best time. You're hilarious and made me feel so comfortable. Thank you, Thank you, With an exclamation, ar, Hey, you had mentioned hanging out this weekend. I get back in town tomorrow late afternoon. What do you think? Like? These are all? Noah probably wrote most of these to be honest with you, And then yeah, I love these because, like I was telling I was telling Noah, we were talking about this story, I was like, all you should write is hey, I want to come and I need a body, like that's what we're essentially. The other night, I shared with you something that I texted someone who I used to sleep with, and I was very blunt like that, and I want to know what you think I did wrong in that scenario. I just think it's not I don't think he did anything wrong. It's not you. I literally said. It sounds cheesy, but it's not you, I said. I it was like, hey, good to see you, and I go, hi. Um, I don't know why we're not banging. Um it's I said, loved hanging. But I also feel like we should be sleeping together or at least not at least doing hand stuff, because why not. And then he the whole thing of like, yeah, i'd be down and I go tonight, and then he didn't right back to that. Um, I said, yeah, he said, talked about some sex toy thing that we used to talk about using. He said, I said, get that thing up and running again because I want to get slutty with you. Uh. And then I said something hot and then got nothing back. And then he wrote back the next day like sorry, I didn't and I just I essentially did that. I go, I want to come, and I expect you to. Just you don't even have to use your dick. I know you might be worried that your dick might not work, like what whatever, Like it's been a while since we fooled around, so maybe he's worried about performance. And I go, just plug it in and and make me come, and then he still won't. So I think that's a separate issue, right, Yes, I think what did I do wrong there? Did I right? You want to do anything wrong? You didn't do anything wrong And the only thing that I would think that you did wrong there is not show your value but value. I want to come. I know my value. I make you go if you go to a guy. I'm just telling you. If I got a message like, hey, we don't have the funk you we just do fingers stuff, it's I don't want to him though. That's my value is I don't want following, you know, but how someone can read it. He doesn't know that I'm not saying that you are. And the way I said that, I was like, we don't have to we can just do this, Like it's like I'll do anything. I'll do anything you want, just come over. It's like I think you need to with this guy. I think you gotta go. Look, are we ever going to fuck in the future? Do you want to suck in the future? Yes or no? Just tell me so. I don't have to stop with this playing around games or whatever. And I just don't want to be be fun. I just want to be tied up and have him use boys. I mean, I mean, that's all I want. I told him that I know. But if he's not doing it, then then just whatever. It's not it's not great transition into our sports moments. Hears Andrew's Weekly Sports This moment lebron James gets eight up untild not to come. Oh no, I mean he's probably into some weird stuff, no doubt. Um. Coca Cola's shares dropped four billion dollars after Christiano Ronaldo, who's a very famous soccer player moved to bottles out of you and picked up the water bottle before Portugal's match against Hungary. So essentially he's like, look, I'm ripped. I have a great body. I care about my health. This isn't it waters for me? And I thought I thought this was all because he uh is a Pepsi guy. I literally thought he was endorsed by Pepsi and so he had to get the coke products because he has a million logos behind him. He goes Agua and so he goes water over coke, and then uh, Coca Cola's shares dropped four billion dollars because Ronaldo, see the thing is is like we're in America. Like like Tom Brady for instance, has like thirty million followers, and he's like, I understand what he means three million followers on Instagram. I don't think, though, that people are not going to drink coke because he moved that. I don't think that that's I think, why do things drop? Because if it dropped that quickly, it's not like coke. Actually people stopped buying coke that day. It's like it's what they anticipate is going to happen, but like none of this makes sense to me. Of like when things drop and go up, it's like it's like the vibe. It's like the stock market reads the vibe. It's not actually money. They're not reading like the receipt because there's no way that they saw these transactions. This happened so fast. It's like they foresee that Coke has a bad rep now, which good fuck Coke they've been Do you know that Coke doesn't need to advertise their number one like by far, but they keep advertising just to keep up their brand, Like they just need you to remind you that they're a brand that you should associate with, like American and like just not even it's global now, but like that they don't need to advertise. They don't need to convince you to drink coke. They just do it so that coke is a part of your Like you see it everywhere and you can't avoid it. Yeah, I mean, but it's not to sell it to you. It's just to be like, hey, you have to have a skull on the side of the cup, you know what I mean. We're talking yesterday about all the things that cost SODA's killed millions of so many cocus. If you're drinking coke as anything more than like yesterday, well, diet, diet soda whatever, like no one. If you think diet soda is gonna make you skinny, you are so one of the dumbest people alive. But I do understand. I used to be addicted to diet soda. It does not make you thin. It does not make you It does not support a healthy because it convinces your body you're getting sugar, so it it makes you want sugar more and you're gonna over eat eventually. That's what it does. And there's literally all the science behind it to prove it. No one's skinny because they drink a ton of coke. Um. However, if you're a diet coke sorry, if you're drinking sugary syrupy cokes, good good, good on you treat yourself like a dessert. But if you're drinking them every day, and listen, I have my things. I drink two lattes a day. I'm doing almond milk, so it's not like and that I don't do like it's not as much sugar. And I do stevia, which is a natural substitute that will be proven to give you cancer when you know in twenty years when they come out with the studies. But right now I'm in the dark. Um, But you gotta cut soda out. That's the funniest thing is when someone goes, I just stopped drinking POPSI and I lost, you know, two pounds. It like falls off. If you're someone who drinks sugary sodas and you stop, wait till you see what happens. It's just crazy to me that people want to consume their calories in that way. But I do understand having a delightful little those little bottles of cokeinot. You just don't need to have it every day. It's like a dessert. You wouldn't have a creme brew let every day, you know. But don't don't say never unless unless it's something that you you know. For me, I say never to those things because they open up part of my brain that goes, girl, get more. It's never going to be enough, hal more, and so I can't have It's like you know, an alcohol with alcohol, But if you could allow yourself to have one coke of a week, come on, I love a little let's get to uh so sports moment. Isn't Christian Ronaldo? By the way, didn't he He's not the one that got accused of right, yeah he did, But yes he did in Las Vegas with a girl that they had a photograph of him hitting on her and then she described a pretty brutal encounter. Yet we're still he's still famous. Yeah, just checking. I listen again, the cancel culture thing. He has a right to play soccer, but I have a right as someone who knows what he did, to like never want to hear his name on my podcast again, because like, why are we entertaining this person that is not it? Has he been cleared of the great charges? Yes he was, but okay, well then that's fine. I mean, and he didn't Yeah what was he was? Did he was? He tried? Um? I don't know. I was so funny to me that we just forget. Like the Army Hammer thing I mentioned before. Everyone talks about Army Hammer being a cannibal and laughs about it, but no one knows the real story, which is that he raped his girlfriend. It's like, how do these things not get out? How am I the only and I only saw that because you are the more famous, You are the more, it gets swept under a rug. I mean, it just happens like no one. People don't care. The Morning Show. That was a great moment on The Morning Show that I overheard while I was packing. Uh, and you kept watching it and I got a little spoiler alert. But someone was like, that's how it works. We all know, Jennifer Ranson telling researchers, And do you think that if I put my foot down, anything's gonna change. She's like, that's the way it works is that we know these disgusting men do these things. We we can't accuse. We can't say everything that we see. If we did, we we wouldn't get anything. I forgot what our speech was, but she was like, it's the way the world works, like and there is a part of that of like, it's just the way it feels so insurmountable. The only reason Harvey Weinstein got brought down was why because the New York Times decided to do a piece on it. Like or Cosby, everyone knew he was a rapist, Like people knew that career like Ronaldo might get taken down when he's eighty and he can't dribble anymore. And it isn't hot. Okay, let's get to listener mail. This has been up. Do we think he could do is dribble? Yeah? You know it's gonna be water because that guy does not like Yeah a good man. All right, let's get to listener mail. Love this seggy. Okay, So this is all. Uh, this is when we hear from you, guys. We like to hear from you all the time about anything. Um, but these are the specific ones that you sent to via R d M s on Nikki Glazer pod or uh you know, the Nicki Glazer podcast at gmail dot com, or a voice memo. I'm at a fan of mine last night? Who my friend at the show? Oh? He goes, he's running the show. He goes, do you mind if my friend takes a picture with you or like meet you. She's a big fan, and I go, of course, fine. She comes out. This girl is shaking crying. She's my age too. I'm sorry to insult her. If you're listening, Lisa, are you my age? You looked like in your thirties? Uh? She had like blue pink hair, so cool looking a cute little like she's a suicide girl. Um Like she does like kind of like dress up but she's like more like my little pony suicide like Pinks and like I don't know, like I pictures to his side girls like Gothy. But I looked into her. She's a very cool girl. She's like has only fans and stuff. Her name is uh Lisa doll l I z a doll d o l l If you want to look at her up and and support her, she was the sweetest thing. She's shaking, she's crying, she goes, I don't even know, like, you mean so much to me and you guys. She later DMed me. She was like, thank you for the picture and thank you for and I was like, honey. She made me were nervous. She made me feel like, I go, I completely understand how you feel right now, because this was what I would do if I met Taylor Swift. And I cannot believe that someone is having the same reaction or feels the same way about me that I feel about Taylor Swift. Like I felt like Taylor Swift in that moment. And I've seen Taylor Swift deal with fans that are reacting that way and how she like hugs them and brings them in and becomes friends with them. And like they still it doesn't. And I handled that situation the way i'd know Taylor Swift as So I look forward to more of those because they made me feel like Taylor Swift and I understand being that big of a fan. So it was the moment of like, oh my god, don't feel bad that you're crying or shaking, like I get it, and I don't think I deserve this from you, but I'm gonna accept it. And she was so sweet. So um, if these aren't d m s from our fans telling them how much they love me, I'm skipping this segment on the heels of Lisa Doll. Okay, let's get to the d M. I'm sorry, No, I just had to tell that shout out. This one is from Lexi. Oh another l name. Hey, Nikki, I am such a big fan. I definitely cried, Oh my god, whoa no, what the fuck? I definitely cried when You Up was finished and I wasn't sure what was coming next. I work from home, so you and Andrew have been like my friends that I get to spend my day with. I want to say thank you for normalizing so many things for me. Just today I was feeling very sad because it is so difficult to get up in the mornings. And within two minutes of your podcast you said the exact same thing, and I felt so seen. So thank you your best see Lexi, oh, LEXI, thank you so much, and girl right like I helped mysel. I don't want to. I never think I'm like a hero. I don't want anyone to think that I am. But it really feels good to me when I hear people have changed their points of view about little annoyances in life, or like feeling depressed. Last night, I was on stage and I was talking about being wildly depressed last year and wanting to shave my head and how Joe Rogan was the only one that reached out to me about it, about my cry for help on Twitter about shaving my head, even though it was a joke and it was really it was it's working into a funny thing. But I said to the audience, I go, is anyone else suffer massive depression last year at some point? And everyone collapse and I and I was like, and you got through a good, good job. And I literally sincerely was like, and if you're going through it now, I'm really sorry, and I like know that feeling. It's al so good to say that, not to have a punchline, just but to make people feel seen, like I'm sorry. If you're out there and you're having a hard day, I'm fucking sorry because I know how it feels and it sucks. It feels so good to feel seen, So I'm glad I made someone feel that way. And um and I truly the other day when I got out of bed and felt sad, I thought of my besties and how they are able to snap out of it sometimes when they hear me talk about it. So I was like, remember the advice you give to your besties and heed that yourself and do something kind for yourself. And then it stopped me out of it. Let's get to the next one. Any thoughts Andrews, Sorry to no no. I I think that's all great. I think you know. Joe Rogan has a bald head, so he was like, Nikki doesn't want this. Oh no. He was like, don't eat there, step on mine, yeah, don't step in my lane. Yeah, don't start working out. I'm doing curls. Let's get to a voice message from Chris. Hey, guys, gotta be honest. I kind of like no Drew Nick better than No Drew Key. I think it kind of sounds like a good name. No Drew Nick Drew Nick. That's all. No Drew Kei is the name that someone gave us for Noah Nikki, Noah Andrew Nicki, No, no Drew Ki, and no no Drew Nick. Sorry, Chris, I mean you could do no and Nick or nick Nick, no Drew. Yeah, if we're going to do first parts, you know what I mean, Like, I'm glad taking the last spot um on there, but I you know, I did Nicky and Sarah Live. That was a weird debate when we were naming that show Me and Sarah Schaefer. It was like, should it be Sarah Nicki or Nick and Sarah? Bottom line is Nicki and Sarah just sounds like yeah. Um and we almost named this the Andrew Colin Podcast, but it just no one wanted it. And uh no, no, three people, my mom, You're doing Andrew and Nicky. Me and I had a show, the Nicky and Andrew Show, The Andrew and Nikki Show. I would have to say, Andrew Nicky sounds better than Nicki Andrew. I would do Nicki and Andrew all day long, given our kind of like vibe, but like if we are just even in a vacuum, Andrew Nicky, no Nicki and Andrew Andrew just nick nick better Andrew is more At the end, it's like it almost stops the sentence, like Andrew Andrew, Nikki like Nicki like Nicky. Yeah, Yeah, it's a porn star's name. Nicki Glazer is the If I do porn, my name is going to have to be like Agatha Reynolds. It'll have to go the other way because my name is so Glazer Nicky. Nicki is already like named Nicki, and I think probably ten percent is just because I'm Nikki. She's Nikki. Like you want to you want to hear the interaction of me and Nikki's Okay, come up and meet me at a meeting, great and say hi, Hi, Hi, what's your name? Nikki? How do you? Oh? Yes, how do you spell it? H? I love that you know what I I. It's different than mine because I do and I K Obviously you probably know that, but yeah, and I and I is it? And I see k y or and I kk y because oh it's with the with the K two k's like you and I KK why I've never heard that. I love that. Bring it in. Let's get this picture and get you moving. Just kidding. I love I love every nikki, but I do love when they're spelled the same as me. But I like learning new spellings. However, I just want to say, Blake, I need to say this. People keep coming up to me and saying, I know you hate pictures. I don't know when I put that out there. I do not hate pictures with fans. I love them. This guy came up yesterday goes, are you sure I listen to your podcast? Are you sure you hate you? Are you sure I know you're not? You won't lie? And I go, I promise you. I want to take this picture. And he goes, I really, and I go, you know what I don't like. I'll be honest with you. Is this. I just trust me. Let's take the picture. And he goes, I won't tag you, and I go, no, tag me. Keep your hand off my ass, That's all I want. You have your phone ready to go, But also I don't really care. This is for more bigger celebrities. Keep your phone, have your phone in your purse, get it out take a picture and then post that ship tag me in it, because that's really the hurtful thing is when people take a picture and then they ends up in their phone. Noah, that they don't back up and it's just on a phone in a fucking bin underneath your bed, Like, do something with the picture so I can repost it if I look good. All right, let's hear from Sir Coke. Oh, here we go, Coke cir Coke on Instagram. He says, Andrew's dog made my dog bar whoa. Please don't do it again. Hold on to everyone brings yourself. It's so loud. Look okay, okay, um, we need to put that dog down. I'm taking that into what I'm saying, don't even try to get it adopted. We need to end this thing's life. That is a good dog. I love that, Thank you, Sir Coke. Okay, let's get to a voice methode from Donnie d An. I Hi, Nikki and Andrew and Noah's Love the Pod. I'm a Day one listener of course. Um. I just wanted to say I've I've been playing guitar for about eight years now, um and listening to Nikki's rants the past few days has inspired me to write the lyrics to my very first song. Um, so I don't have a melody yet, but I've got some lyrics down. This is the furthest I've ever gotten, and I just wanted to say it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Yes, about that? That so um and nothing about that was cut. You've been playing guitar eight years. I'm so jealous. You're probably so good. Um, I'm so glad that you took the chance to like because you can write a song. Everyone can write a song. That's what I thought was like, it's only for special people. But um, you also can write a song. Anyone can, and UM, that's so cool. I want to hear your song, Danny. Will you send it to me when you're done, and on Instagram or through the email. Um, we won't play it on the show, but I would like to hear it. I mean we we will if you want us to, or if it's good enough. But um, I'll send you my song if you send me yours, and you can't share mine with anyone. But I haven't even Oh my god, I serious the universe. I don't I believe in God and I believe that God that things happen cosmically, but what just happened is insane. So honestly, our listeners now know that this show is put together. This is how it goes. Noah look reads over news stories and then compiles a list. She sends those to Andrew. Andrew then selects two to three stories from that list, including a celebrity one for why do you Care? And it's all random. I don't know. Usually Originally I was like, let me pick the news stories. I think it's more fun for me to not and it's less work. Um, but all the segments that are have voice messages. I do not vet these before because I'm too busy, and also it's more fun. And then and then, and then we just get into random products. I cannot believe this. So here's a voice memo, and here's what it's called. Okay, this is how she labeled it. By the way she labeled it from because you get to say who you are when you just what you get type it in. She grew another Nikki and I k K, I seriously, my name is Nicole. I mean I can't. I can't. I'm like, I didn't what either? I don't think you did. I don't lie. Okay, let's get into this, Nikki, what are you gonna love it? I can't. I'm gonna love it? Hi, Nikki and Andrew and Noah. Um. So I'm twenty three. I just started masturbating and I'm just kind of looking for any tips. I'm really not getting anything out of it. I I feel like I can really only get off my partner, So yeah, if there's any tips for that. And then also I started trying out anal with a vibrator and does it just feel good? Because it feels like you're you're shipping or is like, what's what's going on back there? I don't know. Uh, let me know, Nikki, I love you. She sounds like the girl from American Pie. One time at band camp, I put antal beat in my ass. I love people that you know. She's so she's so pure that she just started masturbating at twenty three, which is a late start, we can all agree. But that's around the time when I first started touching myself too for pleasure and didn't know what the funk I was doing and struggled with it for so long. So I relate so much. But at the same time she's also like and then and then she just jumps into the anal thing. There's like the innocence of not masturbating, but then like she's also trying anal. I love you so much, Nikki, You're it sounded like I was listening to myself to be honest. Um, tips for masturbation. I would get the right toys think about during penetration. If you like platoral stimulation or inside stuff. Um, if so like, Based on that, I would have a clip sucking device that has no extra attachments that can just latch onto your clip that you hold at the top, and then I would have a thrusting like dildo. The Shameless flirt is the one that I recommend. It's called the Shameless slort. It's green, and I would I would have that so you have penetration plus the suck of a little suction thing. Um, there's tons of those little sucking things. That's like the satisfier is one the womanizer, but there everyone has them now and I would uh start and then also get a magic wand start with the wand watch porn. Think about things that make you horny, um, and then slowly like tease yourself, like actually try to like tempt yourself and try not to come. How about that try and exercise where you do everything you can not to come. What do you what if she does come though, Nikki? What are you gonna do to her? Oh? Well, you don't even wanna know what I could. I got a lot of recks up my sleeves. You better, I'm gonna go take a shower. I'll be back planet. What about using it with a partner to like maybe break out a little vibrator so and then it's like connected with that partner. Maybe, Yeah, I think try to masturbate in front of partner. I'm not a sex expert either. I would actually send you to set with Emily dot Com has tons of just advice on every different thing you could ask for, and she actually has the way she talks about, like, you know, just being aware of your body and like focusing on your vagina and focusing on your body and like feeling it like can really help facilitate pleasure that you can't tap into otherwise. No, what were you going to say? So? I had a friend and I feel like it's very important to say this because she brought up putting a vibrator near her butt hole. I had a friend who's an X ray technician, and so many people came in because they had stuff sucked up their butts. And it's very important if you're going to use a dildo in your butt, make sure it has the stopper, yes, because otherwise it's going right up in there. That's the thing about an asshole. Thank you know, ah, your assholes very tight, and it will things go in, it won't. It's not like a vagina can't. Like, it's not going to be as easy to push it out. So definitely get anal like tools and Nikki, you're a singer right in my special the Half Hour on Netflix, if you want to hear me talk about anal, I have a lot to say about it, but I do say on that special that you will like anal if you like shitting. And that's true if you take ships sometimes and they feel so orgasmic, which is the way it feels for me sometimes I would say one in every I'm like, oh my god, like I literally I would like to just ship forever if it always felt that way. It's it just feels like an orgasm. That is the way it feels too. Yes, you think you're shipping the whole time that you have anything in your asshole, because your assholes not used to having things up there, so it just thinks it's poop. So when you pull out, when you like are inserting a thing in your butt and pulling it in and out, it's gonna feel like poop going in and out, and you're gonna think that you're just shipping everywhere, which you might be, so do you know, but um, you could be if you don't clean yourself out first. But uh, yes, it does feel like you're shipping. And if that's not pleasurable for you, maybe it's not for you. But I would still, um keep trying and see if it works, because I think shipping can be really pleasurable to like try to and I think that's there's something there's there's something going on there. It feels so good. Do you ever feel that way, Andrew when you ship? Yeah? For sure, Yeah, Yeah, there's certain there's almost like an orgasmic feel to it. Yeah. Yeah. And then you look in the bow and it's just like a dick. I mean, I've I mean we've all had poops before where it's like I could give birth out of my like you know where you're like, people go, oh my god, how could you have to dig up there? Then your your buttle never go back to normal? Shut up, Shut up when I talk about anal and anyone that thinks that I have a baggy asshole because I've done anal, you know, probably seventy times in my life. You're so stupid because your ships are so much bigger than dicks. Sometimes they are bigger than dicks. Should be a shirt, for sure. Ships are bigger than but you sometimes look at the toilet and you go, that's a straight up dick. You know, it's so gross. Sorry, everyone rending the week on a weird note. Final lot Andrew Family. Yeah, I'm excited speaking of ship. Uh yeah, I'm gonna go see my nephews. So I'm excited. And you haven't seen them in a while. How old are they? Uh seven? Like six four and one and a half. I'm probably wrong, and then Teddy is nine months the other one, So four nephews. It's all your family together. Yeah, my dad's driving up. He bought a new Sprinter van, which is like that Mercedes van that has like a bed in it. Almost killed Tracy Morgan. Yeah. Yeah, and that accident that's why it was so fucked up. They were all just like, you know, out of their seats, like just like you know, So my dad is afraid of flying, but he won't admit it. He'll go, you know, I'm just older now, I don't need to fly. Trip from Florida to fucking Connecticut. He's driving seriously, like forty hours. It was twenty four hours, but yeah, but he won't admit that he's afraid. Like it's so funny because my grandma was definitely afraid my little brother flying. For I remember my little brother story about when he was afraid of flying and the pilot came back and my brother was crying and the pilots like, we'll get you there safe. And he looks up and he goes, who's flying the plane? Oh my god, that's so funny. It's in the air and the pilot like, okay, so there's a co pilot situation. But that is really funny. I um, that's it makes me so mad when people are scared of flying. It's like, it's I get it because I used to be scared of flying. But these old people, that's go their whole lives fearful of this thing, and then they always act like they like taking trains. These are all because in the seventies, you know, when it was scarier and like people were smoking on the plane. I'm just saying, like, maybe that's why, Like maybe it's a irrational fair I mean it really is. It's the chances of you. They don't want to die that way. They don't want to take the chance that they might die that way. I get be a terrible way to die. But your dad is going to die someday, and it's it's not gonna be fun. It's gonna it's every I just like people there, you're just missing out on so much life by taking twenty four hours to drive across the country. And I think he's trying to look at it differently. I think he looks at it like I get to see the country. I'm not. I'm retired. Why am I in a hurry to get anywhere? I kind of like that approach we convince ourselves when we're scared. Have you ever seen the mountains of Virginia, Nikki on a spring and Vedia? I mean, your dad could also see the mountains of Virginia as his plane flies into one too, he would have a really cool view of it right before he goesing. Is with flying. I don't mean to make anyone feel bad about their phobia flying, because it's a real thing and like it's I understand, it's like truly crippling. But um, if you want to overcome your fear of flying, uh, there's an Alan Car book for that, and you don't. It's not gonna make you take a plane ride to read it. You just read it and see what happens. See what happens. Be open to the idea that this thing that millions of people do every day, and the chances of you being in a plane crash, you would have to be flying for eight hundred years straight, never touching the ground, always in a plane for an incident to happen. And that does not mean a crash in which you die, because most crashes people don't die. They're just like little collisions on the runway. Those eight hundred years for you to have an incident a flying NonStop, those are the odds. Um. Some people don't want to take those odds, I guess, but you're you're missing out on life. And and fear is holding you back. But you know, I have a lot of fear of things too, so I relate. But your dad, come on, he is a smart enough man. You gotta give him ship for that. You've got to get into admitting what does he say? No I did. He's just like, no, you know, I'm not in a lane. He has he been playing like last year. Yeah, and he's flown to Europe. Flown but got it. Okay, it's not it's not crippling completely, but yeah, if he crashed, But yeah, um, I do like the idea of looking at, you know, the plane tracker, and if you're plane was going down and you just followed a tracker all the way to the ground. Kidding you. That's what happened on my plane two days ago. When I woke up and we were about to land in Dallas. I was like, this plane has been hijacked. No one on the plane knows. I know, I'm about to watch the plane tracker plow into a silo in fucking I hate when people leave a tracker up the whole flight too, because they don't pay attention to it. But all I can do is look at it and realize I have another fucking five hours I'm tracking this podcast and we got to plow this thing into the deep blue sea. Guys, thank you so much for listening. Thank you Andrew, thank you Noah, thank you besties. We will see you on Monday. Have a great, great weekend and watch me on Bill mar tomorrow night Friday. And please consider getting tickets to my tour because it's shaping up and it's gonna be so so fun Nikki lays dot com slash Tour. And also I'm gonna be at in Cancoun November three through the seventh on a special vacation UH destination uh event comedy event in Camcoun. You can find details on my Instagram. Thank you guys, so much, love you, See you Monday. Okay,