Nikki's Christmas plans got canceled, but honestly, she's not even that mad about it. It actually made her realize that being in a committed relationship means sticking by your partner when they're sick. Andrew totally gets it—it’s not that they’re selfish, they just get a little absent-minded sometimes when trying to do something nice, and he shares a couple of times he messed up in his own relationship without meaning to. Brian brings up the final Thursday Night Football gig, and they all start spilling behind-the-scenes stories about the writing sessions and writing live. Nikki’s been running sets to prep for her Golden Globes monologue, and she’s had this realization that people in entertainment getting facelifts clearly aren’t working hard enough. While on her press tour, Nikki says the Empire State Building is the spot to hit for promo, and in her Final Thought, she talks about the super successful but also nerve-wracking Instagram video she shot there.
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The Nikki Glazer podcast. Niklaser here, I'm welcome to the show.
It's a Nikky Glaze podcast.
We're in Los Angeles, California, with Brian Franjie and Andrew Colin. We started the show before, but then we had to redo it. So we're just gonna like catch you up to what we were just talking about.
And we didn't get that far in but so we got up to the nineteen eighty nine when the wall fell in Berlin.
Yeah. Yeah, And by the way, it wouldn't take me long to get up to there because I don't know a lot of what happened before then. I'm really bad on history. I don't please, don't even bring up the history, Okay, I just like I really want to.
Well, you were talking so smartly about it traffic earlier in German when we forgot to record you. You were speaking in German. You told us all about the Prussian Empire. I'm figuring you, I'm figuring me.
I'm under Prussia when you bring that Prussia.
Under pressure and then hit my goes Din didn didn't.
And then mine goes we were talking about.
So we're recording really early because I had a flight out today to go home. So we're doubling so early, two episodes back to back. It's way too early, Brian to catch it up. He was walking his dog at seven ten am and no one's Then he runs into another comedian walking his dog. What are you doing up?
Yeah?
And he's like I'm always up and I was like what it was wild? Then he turned to a vampire and flew away, and then.
Yeah, and then we got into the Franco Prussian War.
Yeah, yeah, that was Europe.
And then we were talking about, oh, so we don't even need to record early anymore because I'm not going home to La because Chris is sick. And then we were talking about how I I just assumed I would still go home when Chris got sick last night, and I was just talking like, oh, it sucks, like you can't go, and he's like, but you're not going, and I'm like, oh yeah, Like I forgot that in a partnership you have to like be one unit. Like that's what Like we're not married, but essentially we are. Like it's just that's that's the deal.
That's why when you have your vows, you say in sickness and in health.
Yeah, we haven't done those yet, you have no vows.
So also, I think it depends on the sickness. I mean, if it's cancer.
But usually, like I was saying, he usually just wants to isolate. And when he's sick, I literally he'll go to his apartment because he saws his place in Saint Louis. He'll go to his house and and be away from me because he's really worried about getting me sick. That's why he doesn't want to go home for Christmas. He doesn't want to get his family sick. He knows he'll have to be like they'll still want him around, so he's just like making a decision, No, you can't have access to me. But then so I was figuring, Oh, he wants to just be alone, like he's like Luigi. When Luigi got sick once, they just dogs just go under a deck to die, like they just want to be alone to go die. And that's always what he has done. But this time he's just like, well, we can just stay here. And I was like, well that show with the Funny Bone, Like, I'm just trying to get ways to go. I can see my dog, like I want to go hang out with Goldie. But and like you know, the niece's nephews. I guess. But he's like, well you could just cancel that show. And it like he's never like he's always one to like, you know, you got to stick to your commitment. So like it was really it's really sweet that he wants me there. And I felt like, oh my god, this is what like marriage feels like, where you're just like this is my family now, like I'm not going to see he comes before my mind. Yeah, that's really nice, right, knew.
You changing him from a club gig to an arena just so you can go anyway we can move.
Yeah, it's not a big enough show, it is it.
Yeah, So sorry to everyone at the Funny Bone who had tickets to come see me on Christmas night. But I news to everyone in LA because I've already it's seven am, and I've already booked sets for tonight and tomorrow and hopefully.
Christmas will come through.
Hopefully it will come.
Yeah. Oh yeah, I guess there are Jews.
Yeah they're Jews. Yeah, I'll find one.
They're Jews, and you're find a Jew.
Maybe there aren't on tomorrow on tonight that I have a couple of two or three. But yeah, I'll find some I'll find some way to perform. But then I also have tons of shows to watch for the Golden Globes and movies and stuff to catch up on, So that'll be good.
This a memorable Christmas.
But you were saying that you were on the way over here and you had the same thought about like partnership, and I used to remind yourself to like be there for someone. What was it?
So, I just I'm not good at it. I'm not good at thinking about other people either. I'm so so I don't think I'm selfish. I think I was just raised to be selfish.
Yeah, I mean that you get it from somewhere. Yeah, I think my dad.
My dad was a workaholic.
Yeah, but it didn't transfer to like showing other like working in other ways. It was one thing being a doctor helping cancer patients. What a selfish prick?
Yeah, doctors are detached that he doesn't really read as a product.
Selfless dude.
Yes, Yes, And you could hide behind You could hide behind it by being like, oh, I'm saving cancer patients.
Yeah.
And your kids can always have like you always do that with your dad. You're like, well, he wasn't always there for but he was. He was saving people with cancer. It's just like even you are like having an excuse for the abandonment.
Oh of course, yeah, I mean it can't.
But your dad's an amazing guy.
Death softened with age, much more caring, much more sentimental.
Yeah, it does.
It's unbelievable when they well he got cancer himself, and I think that, oh yeah.
Oh wait, that's what my patients were going through and they realized.
Maybe what did you do with Bretta that made you feel like.
Oh well, yesterday, literally yesterday, I'm just like I also have ADHD. So it's a combination. We'll say it righthdd.
ELUIDHD.
Yeah.
So yesterday, for instance, I ordered Dominoes for us and she wanted pepperoni and onions, and I did pepperoni, banana pepper just because I don't listen.
Well, hold on walking through that like you literally did it? You just did what you wanted?
No, I don't, or did you peppers and onions?
Yeah?
You know me, they can be I could see how like you just in your brain like hearing it while you're pulling up the app. You're just like onion pepper, like, oh that thing.
They sound similar, they look similar when they're cut up.
Yeah, and they both have like a spicy yesterday.
Yeah, this is what I need. I need a team.
Like why you didn't?
Yeah, that's kind of so sorry. I've been sick too, But I'm good now. I'm just yeah, and you already had it. I already had it.
I'm good.
So there was onions I wanted. I got two pizzas. One I got, like you're on the stand right now, and there there are two.
Feet Okay, why not one for yourself but.
Not for me?
How how?
But anyway, So I was going to get one onion and pepperoni one pepperonium peppers, but I got two pepperonium peppers.
And I don't know how I did that.
Does she hate peppers?
She doesn't hate pepper. Love pays a specific thing.
And it really will compromise the flavor pretty much.
Any banana pepper is so strong. Olives, Oh yeah, we're all very strong.
What's the best topping that you could remove without ruining the integrity? I would say mushrooms, I think, but I also hate mushrooms so much. But they don't like ling. They don't have a pungent lingering.
No, no tomato slices, but yes.
That's Oh that's perfect. That's the best one.
Spinach spinach, Yeah, you could pull. It's hard to get the spinach off. You always have remnants.
Oh I love. Why would you not have spinach on a pizza, Like it's tasteless.
Spinach does though, if you if you have spinach, the juices of the spinach because if.
If you's in yeah, and it does wind up tasting weird.
Oh this this weekend, I ordered pizza and I said, I want extra spinach, like a lot, like three times the amount you put on. And then Chris chimed in and said, like, try to get weird with spinach, like try to make her like hate spinach. And they never do that, but this this place actually did too much finis Like it was it looked like turf, like on my pizza because I get vegan and it was like it was so good. I know they didn't run it for me, but like it must it must have been a field full of spinach to get it out, because it just we all know its.
Finach is one of those things that like you got a big bag and you're like, oh, my god, this is so much spinach. And then you put it in the dime.
Yeah, it turns into a little the opposite of those little pills that you put in water and then they turn into it like a Diams.
Yeah.
Okay, So the pizzas arrive, Brenna is just pissed.
So Brenna went to work and she came back surprise.
Sorry. When you're like getting pizza and you're like you are already in your mind like I'm gonna let myself have fucking pizza, Like I'm going on vacation, diet vacation, and then your flight's canceled or it's like you were gonna fly first class and the canceled flight and you have to fly spirit with a bunch of fucking peppers.
A bunch of fucking That's like that's what she.
Did because she still got to go on the vacation of the pizza.
But it's shittier, yes.
And I'm just trying. My problem is I like, I really do try to be a good person.
I witness it all the.
Time and I constantly fail. Yeah, and I try, though in my brain, I'm going I'm getting these pizzas, I'm getting a ranch with it too.
She loves that.
She's gonna come home, it's gonna be sitting there. Everything's perfect. And next thing I know, the guy shows up and I go, I open up the pizza. I go, these are both peppers. He goes, that's what you got, and I was like, no, I didn't. I got onion.
Oh no, And then you then now you have an attitude with him and you look at the border and then he's right, and.
I go, I got a ranch too, and he goes, no, you didn't. And then I didn't get the ranch. I don't know what I'm doing on this domino.
What happens? Because I'm fucking going back and there's too many apps?
Yeah there's.
Yeah.
Wait, So how did Brennan respond to the pepper?
She fucking She's like, you don't think, yeah, maybe you need to medical, No, you need to get on vibeance. Well, she didn't know the name. That'd be weird if she knew. Maybe milligrams. Yeah, all of a sudden, she has.
Wirey she knows, like the generic, here's doctor Rubinstein. Yeah, he's on Melrose. So you what happened when you were flipping through the apps, Like why couldn't you just do it right? I don't.
I think I know, like okay, because sometimes I do it, Like It's happened to me twice this week that I've ordered like an Uber Eats order and albeit like I was in the middle of something else and I'm trying to put this order in so that all the salads get there on time for the writer's meeting, and like ever and and and I'm I was like at the time, having injects put into my face and I'm trying to like talk to the doctor but also press the app and not be rude to him. Who he's you know, trying to analyze my face to like put filler in. Yeah, turn it, put some peppers and he put onion and I ordered ranch, so I was pressing it. And then chrisy you even witnessed. I think you were there the other day when Chris like we were getting an order. We've done so many of these writers meetings where the food shows up and He's like, Nikki, I love you so much. You're so good at so many things in your life, but you are so bad at clicking the ad utensils button. I just can never remember to do it. Even though every single time it is a fucking hassle because we don't have enough silverware in our apartment. It always comes to like me having to beg someone to use chop six. And also, yeah, and I've ordered it to the wrong address, but I and I know every time I go Nikki, next time you open this app, check the address. And then I don't, And so it's just like it's just too you just like in your head.
It's like when I poop before I shower and then I don't want to I don't flush the toilet, and then I go, I'm gonna flush the toilet when I get out of the shower.
Oh, and then you forget to flush.
I forget that.
It's like uncapped things not being capped, toilet's not being flushed. I constantly am not flushing toilets, literally constantly.
The worst is when your partner goes in there and it's.
Just like, oh, never say anything ever, that's that's even sad. You just hear like a sad, quiet flush and you go, oh, no, that was too quick for him to do. He couldn't have peed in that time either, must have been what was in there?
What did he see?
Part of me, I'd rather Yeah, it's like it's it's it's but I always forget to I think that's an ad D thing too, Like I forget to lush toilet all the time.
So it's really just about distractions and not being and having too many things you're focusing on at once, which I can relate to.
Yeah, I think I think that's must be it.
But I I can't stand it when you're like, I know what I meant to do and then I did the opposite thing.
Yeah, And that's when I get very defense into because then how could you do this? It's like, but I was trying so hard to.
Be I told my dad.
When he gets mad at my mom for not remembering something, I'm like, she can't help that.
It's not like she's choosing not to remember.
She's not. No one would choose to like set their life up so that they have two peppered pizzas like, but it's also the person has an argument to be, like you need to be more thoughtful, like you know, it's like everyone has like a point.
Also, my reaction to it doesn't mean that that other persons have the same reaction. Like, so if you ordered two banana pepper and pepperoni. I'd be like, oh, sweet pizza. It wouldn't be like how could you not think about this?
It'd be be so chill like that before he got married? Or is this change now the day I got fucking it's the same. Yes, well now she's locked in, So now she's like, am I married to a man who gets two pepper pizzas? And now she's got really steaks. Try to get you to be more than I want to teach my kid to be pepper pizza exactly. God, it's just it just never stops.
Everyone just talks about how great marriage and partnership is, but you forget that, Like if you're a person that's pretty on their own, like doing things like that's a nice. Being single might be horrible in some ways because you're lonely and you just feel like you're always lacking and you're always trying to find someone.
But like, enjoy the fact that you don't have to care about anyone else.
Oh it's the best. I didn't have cups, you know that. Yeah, I didn't have really sheets, one towel.
May a girl after she spent the night, Oh yeah, she spent.
The night, She asked for a glass of water, and I brought her back her a bowl. Oh that's all he had?
Yeah, wow, red flag. It is a red flag that she didn't enjoy it.
I think you brought her something is funny though and nice. I think I was trying to be she had she was getting into with you. She couldn't have been shocked by the pole, but at that.
Moment I didn't have anyone answered to and so like. But I was alling apart a long way. Are you in the c I A yeah, yeah, I was trying your house. Yeah, I'm trying to look like a poor loser, so people didn't know who I was. Yeah, this happened the other day.
I fucking my washer dryer. So have I live in a very small apartment. We have a washer dryer, but it's like a two for one.
Yeah, oh we have that. It sucks so much to empty the dryer water.
Yes, and it's only one. You can only put a like a washwragon it.
And it doesn't get hot, it's just dries it cold.
No, man, I thought that invention was good. No.
No, it's kind of fun to see the water though that comes out. It's kind of satisfying. Where to go, it's so much water in your clothes and you like to have to drain it in the sink. And I told Chris, I kind of like that, like I see the process, but it's such shit in the clothes don't get dry. They're well constantly dance even when you wear them for hours.
So the other day, I was two days ago, I was having the same thing where I was very distracted. I was thinking about a million different things. And I had to bring Jack to the vet Firs monthly thing. And I walked into the car, put Jack in the car. Yeah, I sat and I had to get his bed out of the trunk and I put it in the back seat. I put Jack in the back seat. I get in the car and I'm sitting in the car and I'm like ready to go, and I'm like, man, it's like it's weird noise. Is a weird noise happening?
What is this?
And I'm like about to go, And then I turned around I realized I just left the trunk open, like the whole thing that I was about to drive around with like the trunk.
Just so normal. But I mean it's like I thought Jack was going to be like outside the car, scratching his should be caught in the door something like, way more horrific.
Guys, I was. I looked down and I forgot to tie my shoe. No, yeah, that is tough.
No, I don't think I've ever put like I have the electric car whenever I take the thing out, I don't think I've ever put the flap back on. Every single time I get in my car and it goes, the flap is out.
I literally I drove away twice with the gas tank in the car. I literally didn't take off. It's just the loudest thing. It's so embarrassing.
And what do they do? They come out screaming like what are you doing?
Actually, one time the guy was pretty cool about you even charged me. But then the other time my brother was driving and he didn't. He didn't love it.
How much does that cost? I think like eighty bucks? Really happens all the time.
Wait, there is a like set charge for if you I guess, yeah, it was the device or your car.
The toms are designed for to rip off because it happens so often.
Okay, okay, And we were down the road and my brother looks inside mirror and dangling just dangling.
Because if their music's loud enough, anything can be happening. This is why I don't want kids, because I would leave them in the back seat. That's yeah, that's like a big fear because I've read it. I have read so many articles about people forgetting their kids in their back seat and it happens. There's this article that was like, it happens to everyone. Don't think you're a type of person. It doesn't happen to It's happened to every kind of person. This responsible ceo, this mother of three who had everything going for her, this person who has never touched a drug in their life, this person who gets good sleep and does ice baths, this person who's a piece of shit. Like, it's every like you can't avoid it. So unless you get a car, that's like baby like as I would only have a kid after that because I can't trust myself and I just think, yeah, because it's hot. Yeah, like it happens to everyone, and it's like and it's it's that's nothing you'll ever recover.
It's like the worst thing that will ever.
Happen getting your own car. That's pretty bad. Uh, yeah, it's probably worse than like Pepper's I don't know.
It's it, but you, but you, you, every parent, because that is a fear. They must convince themselves that could never happen to me. But I'm just telling you it could. And so that is why I do not want a kid, because it could.
It's the same reason I never want to hold a baby, because they say you won't drop the baby, you won't drop the baby.
And it's like, I doone thinks they're better than accidents, right.
It's like I'm not. I do. The risk is so high to hold someone.
Else's baby for what, So that's crazy. But yeah, baby, I feel if you hold someone else. Never touched a baby, not even my own little sister. No way, no way, I've never touched a baby.
You're being silk.
I've never held a baby. Stop it. I've never held a baby. You want to hold me?
Literally, you could drop a baby and they'll be fine. I'm not kidding you. They're very durable. You can't leave them in a car for hours.
But if you drop their head there you know, and they have a brain and they're actually.
They're not gonna head. You're not gonna drop. You've never dropped something that that you're paying attention. Yeah, but like if you're it's not like you're like we're asking you to hold that and throw bowling pins at you to juggle. Like you would be concentrated on it. There would be no worry. You're sitting on a couch and someone can set it in your lap.
Down, hold the baby late, start laying down and work your way up to your feet. Start with a laying down baby.
It's not gonna do it.
Why, Well, that's why I don't want to hold the God. I'm the same way with God.
Baby smell nice.
I don't want to hold the baby and gone at the same time. No disaster.
But yeah, I'll give it to a baby, but I'm not going to hold either baby.
You hold it, either of you. Yeah, all right.
We got to go to bak Holder back after them.
So we were all at Thursday night football for the last one, and so we were we were in the bowels of the stadium, and Andrew was there in a box.
Oh no, I was just a lower seat. The guy I was actually in charge of all the boxes.
Box guy helped me have seats.
Yeah, that's a good question, col.
Guy that's in charge of who's in the boxes.
That's a that's an Alanis morriset lyric.
Yeah, when you run all the boxes but they give you a seat. Yeah, that's it.
That's a good one. It's like, did you have access to like the food though and stuff like the No?
No, actually, but it was cool. No, it was definitely like tenth.
Rowind Chargers who was playing I Forget now, Yeah, me too, the Broncos Broncos.
Well, we're wearing the bowels. We're all writing and and you know, you're on zoom so you can put jokes in and every once in a while through the zoom, we're just here like there isn't enough onions on my hot dog or something like that.
Yeah, yeah, we'd hear you like bartering.
No, I'm just on mute. No, I don't even know. I can do whatever I want. Don't pay me for anything. Did you hear that? Yeah?
Yeah, no, they're fucking working like a bunch of losers while I own those.
Asking the cotton candy man just for a joke about the last play.
A pretty good He came up with that yard one.
Did you write the yard one?
Yeah?
One changed the lot like.
I'm always so close.
No, that does mean you're not. You probably had it. I just changed it.
Here's here's a hearing a little insight into joke that it was like that yard ball Harbaugh. What's the name?
Start?
What's what's the other harbor? I don't like his name.
I don't like him, and his brother's name.
Sounds like yard.
Okay, you said that he looked I take him seriously. He looks like someone who yells, get off my yard to his own yard.
Yeah, and you changed it.
I said, because it's usually get off my lawn. I know it's a lawn too. And then we said, oh, maybe it'd be better to say he's yells get off his lawn to his own yard, and we all agreed that worked, and then I said it out loud and I was like, no, it needs to be the same word. And so then we changed to law and it did work.
Yeah. That was good. Yeah, that was good. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, yard and lawn. It's a difference between peppers and onions. Well, Nikki does this thing where she she bowlds or or you bold, Nikki bowl, I'm bold. So we submit a bunch of jokes and then you see the bolds and you get Yeah, yeah. Yeah, those don't make it to the final because then you get really good ones in the room of.
Like what that person specifically looks like. Yeah, yeah, So it's hard to get a bold too of another.
Are you're aware of this side of things where when you bold.
Something, well, sometimes I'm in the document where all the jokes are and I will see other little anonymous kangaroo and the Google you know what I mean.
Like I'll see someone.
Wat which is one of our writers from Australia.
Really good yeah, and he'll say no, no. I am aware of that because I obviously like if I could never be on the not never, but it would be hard for me to be on the other side of it and submit jokes. And actually it'd be kind of fun because I like the competition. I would like like the reward it would make. Joke writing it's it's almost like the same as stand up Like when you write a joke and it works in front of a crowd, you get this like dopamine hit of like I'm good, I figure out something. So like it'd be it would be that equivalent of being in a writer's room, as having the person that you're writing for picures and you're good gold star, so it would be true.
So in instantance, you're the crowd, and so you you should know that when you are bolding something, you are making someone happy.
I now I do know that, and I understand that, and I will heavy as the hand that bolts.
Well, don't don't do that. Everything heavy is the hand that balls as it it's weighing on me. I'm not extra bols because that's extra bold.
But I would never because I don't. I don't want to give positive reinforcement to something that isn't like. Should people only grow if they are like? And also I would also say, if any of the writers are listening anything, I don't if you put in something that's great, it could be great. It's just my taste.
It's not a crowd.
It's one person, one person who has proven.
To taste but likes to cut off head.
I would just if I were you, guys, I would convince myself that she's just like Nikki just has bad taste today, or like she doesn't get it, like she doesn't see the potential of this. And so yeah, I would, I would. I would do that if I were you. But no, it's it's so fun and it's like, like, you know, but I still feel it too when I'm able to write a joke and it like gets it. And obviously I kind of know that it's going to be nicer about my jokes than I am. Like I can easily be like no, not you know, and I'm not rude about it, but like I don't. I don't convince myself that like, wow, everything I say is so funny because you know, like no one's gonna be like but but yeah, I know when something bombs and then when something is good and it feels so good when you're able to write a joke.
We have.
We have a space right now in the script for the Golden Globes that is just like it is just we're holding space, large gap, huge gap. We need a joke, Like there's no way we can step on stage without having a big joke about this movie.
And we just haven't nailed it yet.
There's literally nothing that could even come close to filling that space we need.
We need to write a joke about uh, the confines of a fig or whatever the movie is called. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's definitely the one. That's the least that would have been the proper thing to say for the joke if I can remember the sacred of the fig.
Yeah, the sacred. Yeah, there's some movie that has a figure.
That's the correct movie to say for that joke. To that joke, it'stant yes. But but last night we're at this restaurant, oh yeah, that was Golden uh, prep for the Golden Globes, and we we had this other thing we wanted to fill, h like a kind of another gap we wanted to fill, and we've been trying to like crack it for a long time and then we're just going through all the names of all the nominees and then I mean, it just came out of Nicky's head, just like like sometimes a joke comes out like fully formed. Yeah, just came out and you said it like like you said it because it made you laugh. And then we were all like, yes, that's correct.
That's the that's the so good when that happens, when you're just kind of like saying something and people go, wait, not you know, but that that joke only came out of because we were trying to crack this joke that like we kept pitching things that were like sexual in nature because that was kind of like seemed to be where we were going with it, and it seemed like the easiest way to crack that nut. And then the only way I thought of that was to be like, Okay, if I can't be sexual, what is this? Like? What is something else? And then that's I think what happened helped. It's like sometimes you just have to come up with barriers make things work. Though you think that having no barriers is like anything could happen, Like sometimes it's too much room or you start all of a sudden thinking about something sexual. It's like, it doesn't have to be that. Like I was thinking I was making the job easier, but I was making a lot harder.
Yeah, well let me try it at the comedy.
Oh and when it worked, it was like such a good feeling, Bob.
Said me and Bob shook hands like we just did the Moonlight. It was just like because I said to him before, I was like, if this joke doesn't work, I don't I lose all faith in my ability to judge coms.
Oh wait, there's been some moments though of running this set where like the other night, there was a joke that like the whole premise of the joke is that there's this movie, and within this movie, there's this one performance that is just kind of weird and like like and and that's the that the whole premise of the joke is like, this part of this part of this movie is weird and doesn't line up with the rest. And it's solid, like this is a solid observation that every single person that was has weighed in on this script has noted as well, Yeah, so I'm on stage and it doesn't do well, Like, it doesn't resonate.
Not even that it doesn't do well.
It's literally nothing. It's not even a hitter, not even a titter.
It wasn't even grown. It was as if they didn't recognize that a joke had just said.
So I stopped and I go, did you all see this? Who's seen this movie? The whole room class, you know, eighty percent of the room whatever, seventy percent of the room clubs. I go, did you think this thing was weird in it? This thing that I'm talking about? Did you do you agree that it was not good this part? They all agree, and I go, well, then why didn't you laugh? Dead silence there's like, we don't know like it's just not in. I got backstage and we're like, we still just can't figure out why I'm making an observation about something that we all agree is the thing, and it's actually saying something bold too, Like it's it's kind of it's not it's not mean. It's just like it's pointing out something that no one's really said. But it's like it's there.
That's inherently funny.
Why is this not working?
It's a mystery.
I want to see it one more time. I think, just know, I mean a scientific anomally. It needs to be studied.
Oh there's wait, there's been some so many funny moments. There was one last night. I wish we could get it. I'm like nervous to even get into it.
Which one, Oh god, no we can't.
No, you didn't even want So. Something happened at the show last night, and I'm sorry to besties who are like talk cryptically, but there was a moment during our running of the sets last night that we do you ever in a group of people, you're all friends and then something weird happens and you all are like, this is so weird, but you can't say it out loud because the weird thing that is happening is like, it would be rude to call it out because that weird thing is not part of the group, right, So you all look to each other like are you okay with this? And you go, I guess they are, so I'm not gonna say anything, or I guess they know what's going on here, so I shouldn't say anything. Each one of us we collectively found it was a group of six of us. After after this happened, we all got together and then we all go so, you guys all knew about this, right, and they No one knew what was going No one was okay with what was happening, but we all had can gaslight ourselves into thinking that everyone else was okay with it, but none of us were.
And it was so fond. Yeah, it's like Nazi Yeah, yes, exactly. The Nazis.
Chrismas like walking around being like I should have done something. I can't believe I did. I was seconds away from saying something, but I thought that you were okay with it, and I was like, no, this was the greatest thing that could ever happen. This is so funny. It's making us laugh. It's it's team building to have a common like sure thing that like, it wouldn't have been as funny, just like the Nazis. Oh yeah, okay, it.
All comes to experience.
I have much more positive take.
On it now we understand how it could get that far.
But I loved that moment so much.
Yeah, it's.
The monologue's coming along.
We're getting we're too we're less than two weeks out.
Yeah.
Every time I go to the Golden Globes nominees page to like cause it's all it's a beautiful site that has it all lined up for us, wonderful, very grateful for that, because whenever you want to check a reference, it's like right there, they have a countdown clock in the top, so like it's it always says like today it will be like thirteen hours, thirteen days, fourteen hours, Yeah, which feels like a lot. But it's like whenever you have something looming. I'm sure you felt this way about your wedding or something. You're like, oh my god, it's a week away. It used to be months away. How did we get here? But times fucking happens.
Man. Also, I hate when the clock starts so far from the thing.
Yes, I want a clock, get me hundred yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like rent or whatever.
But I don't know that the year hours it's five hundred and seventy five thousand and six. Remember, is that how long someone lives? That's a year. Oh that's the song. That's how long you have made? I really that. Well, that's what they mean. That's what they mean that, that's what they're saying. Oh, that's why we have so little time to live. We need to recognize that a year is just this many.
This is what Chris said to me, like about the Christmas because we were talking about going back and he's like, it's a bummer. I really wanted to go back with my family.
He's like, you only get so many.
He's like, you get what fifty Christmases with family in your life and then yeah, eighty seven christmases you know total. Andy's like and like that is like one fiftieth is a lot. Yeah, two percent of the Christmases with my family is squandered this week because of flu.
Yeah, but you know, it's not good to think of things like that if we constantly I mean, yeah, I don't I don't like that either. Where it's I don't like reminding you remember you used to like this. That's that chart with the dots on it.
I don't like that chart. I just think it's fast, it's fascinating, it's terrifying.
I don't tell about that. Actually, it doesn't help me to look.
The chart that has one dot for each week of your life, and then you look and it's way less dots than you would think that. You would think it would build all of dots, but it is like a fucking postcard of dots.
Yeah, you know what I hate?
Too small weeks.
Nineteen ninety five is closer to nineteen forty than it is to twenty twenty.
Yeah, I hate those.
I just hate what people are accomplishing things in their twenties and you're like, oh my, like you just think about what you were doing at that time. I'm and I know that I'm an accomplished person, and you could say, oh, but it's just there's still times when it's like someone hosts SNL when they're twenty three and they still they have like a body of work. Yeah, and they've three Carpenter is like twenty seven and has like six albums, and like, I'm just like, how of and you you're not even in your thirties yet. You haven't even been like I am old and I'm thirty yet, and it's like, god, fuck you.
Why it makes me so upset.
I also hate when people are like he finished med school at fifty eight. It's like, quit already, you fucking dick.
And I don't really appreciate those things that are like listen, so and so didn't get started on their dissertation until they were thirty eight. I'm like, well, I'm forty I missed.
Yeah, that doesn't help me.
Someone said the other day like, I'm not going to get a facelift until I'm like forty five, and I was like yeah, and I was like forty four, Holy no, I know, I'm do.
Yeah, yeah, I'm do.
I can't. I'm sorry to people who get I think I've said it on here before. You're getting facial surgery in this business, you're lazy because you don't work hard enough.
If you if you have.
Time to get a surgery and recover from it, you're not working you. I do not have time for it. I work hard enough that I am, and I have things to do where I have to be on camera.
I have to work. I have to show up.
I don't get to take off a week or two to have drains in my face and sleep you know, on my back.
Are you talking about a facelift?
A what is that?
D DBL?
A faceliftbl kidding me?
A facelift?
This pull pulls everything back and then you get discards right here.
Yeah, but I don't have to do this ship.
Yeah, I don't get it.
They look amazing.
My mom got one. It was crazy. What do you mean, but your mom got.
One like, you know, twenty five years ago, probably thirty years yea, when it was like a different deal.
We'll talk about when we get by.
We wad to good break.
Yeah, your mom got a facelift back when they were still kind of experimental almost.
But my grandma, even my grandma, her mom got a face like I come from a long line facelift.
I'm doing it for sure.
But it's crazy when they like get the surgery, they really look like monsters.
Oh yeah, you look at me in the room.
I go into her room and she just feeling.
Yeah, I think I get my mom a facelift. Oh really, yeah, she's she's letting me because she was you know, there's just some things that I'm like, mom, like there's fixes for this.
Like when people get facelifts, I always.
See that's good.
I'm not kidding.
I see a picture of someone got a facelift that actually looks good.
Yeah.
And while you're looking that up, I'll say. There was this influencer on Instagram who I don't follow anymore because they're making me so mad because of how much success they're having. Just a random influencer, and they were like, me and my husband just bought our cabin upstate. And she's twenty four. She has she has an apartment in New York and then she's a cabin upstate and I'm like, you're twenty four, and it just made me so mad.
Yeah, that's upsetting.
Well, social media has expedited everything, yeah, with that kind of stuff, especially if you're in your twenties. I mean back in the day, it was like literally there was like five twenty three year olds that could do that.
Oh yeah, there was like Jonathan Taylor Tomlinson yeah yeah, and his bolder brother. Yeah. No. It's uh. I think I really do think that Silicon Valley and social media and disruptors have done more damage to society than like the oil industry.
Oh well, they've destroyed our society. What do you think about TikTok being removed on the nineteenth?
Wait?
What really?
Well, you haven't heard about Trump on the nineteenth. Yeah that's the last day. Yeah it really. It's really rolling towards that conclusion. But even though Trump said he's gonna intervene because he likes that TikTok, but I don't think he's gonna do anything. I don't think he's gonna be able to pull it off. I don't think he's going to put together the correct people to actually stop this from hapving.
I can't find the facelift thing. But I'll show you an example.
I love when Trump talks about it because he goes his whole reason for TikTok staying is because he did good numbers.
It has nothing to do Oh I'm not.
I mean everything he does is from a place of does it benefit him? And it will never not be that way. It's anyone who is surprised by that, you're a moron. It's the way he is accept it. I have accepted it. He only operates from a place of of me, me, me, and that's why if I ever come into contact with him, I'll just tell him he's really hot and I love him, of course, and it'll everything will be okay for me and everyone will be if you just just it's it's really a good thing that someone is so able to just flattery, and it's like it's a good thing for No, it's obviously horrible, but I'm trying to see the benefits of it. But anyone who is under the I don't even think he would want you to be under the illusion that he cares about you.
Right anymore.
I think it's I think I'm not saying anything crazy here to say that he doesn't care about literally anyone but himself.
That is, there's just no way.
He just probably thinks that everyone's the same way. Everyone else is just thinking about themselves too, So why yeah, I could see that.
Yeah, yeah, speaking of Trump, So you were I'm not even mad about it.
You're in New York doing a million press thing. I think we talked about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I to the top of the Empire State Building and then you did a video lip syncing video, yes, and it was shared. It was a joint post with the Empire State.
The Empire State Building is a press tour stop now for like, we're on the way there, no offense, Empire State and the social media team.
But I was like, it was a really long day.
I had just gotten done doing literally seventeen interviews with affiliates where you just sit down and then they go, Okay, Nikki, we're patching you through the Sacramento five minute interview with the news team. There, now to Saint Louis, Now to Philadelphia, now to Chicago, now to Arizona, now to la now in New York. Literally seventeen in a row for two and a half hours. Then a photo shoot with New York Times. Before that it was The View, it was Kelly and Mark, and then before that it was Gael King. This was all in one morning. It's like, now it's crazy. Now it's one thirty and I have to go to the Empire State Building and it was sick.
Yeah for you to jump off the building.
I literally said that I go next for going to the Empire State. I'm jumping off and uh and then you're going to live We're on the way there, and I said to my publicist in the backseat, I go this was something I probably should have said no to right, and she goes no, no, no. This is like a big press stop and you go in and it's like every famous person has been there. Final thought, the Empire State is like.
The new Carson whoa well at a million show.
Yeah you go there, you you take a tour, you go up. But the press team is so good.
They keep you in this like amazing green room with all these snacks and stuff, and then they bring you up and then you shoot a video of you like sitting with the like statues.
Sit you do up.
So I'm there's like a model of the Empire State building on the ground floor and you like stand there and you they're like, oh, there's a photo op. So I go to stand there.
I have no idea.
I think it's just gonna be like their social media team taking a picture or maybe one photographer. There's like fifteen photographers that are all there going I've never seen it. It's like I've done the Emmy Red carpet. I've done you know, Critics' Choice, I've done so many red carpets. Nothing has ever been this intense of like I was. I literally there's a picture of me going, what's happening because I thought I thought BTS like a K pop band was behind me.
It was that insane.
But they were all there just to make a picture of me, and I'm like, this is a waste of their time. But it was so nice because I'm just like, who am Like? Who cares about the mark.
Car goes a little further in New York than it does here?
I guess so, but I was, I truly because I was not planned for it, and I'm looking over my publicist like what's happening? Like is this a bigger thing than I know about? Like it was Nikki?
Here?
Was it old timy camera? It looked like it you know what I mean? Maybe it felt like I was in a movie.
It felt like I was in Nodding Hills.
I loved the Chrysler building. Mcmade like like you just walked out of a courthouse defending Boo Radley. Yeah, yeah, it was a purp walk.
I wish they that's some of the pictures, because there's definitely pictures of me going what's happened? Like looking behind me?
Because I don't.
I'm so clue. I'm like, are other people coming to this? Because why would all these people be here for me, but it wasn't about me. It's just like they all get called every day when there's a celebrity there. So it's like the same people. And then some of the can you move, We're trying to Yeah, they really celebrity. I've never seen anything like it. And then I walk off and I'm like someone, could someone have told me that was?
Like I had note what.
They're like, yeah, well it's a press up or whatever it's called. I go, but I've never done anything that was insane. Yeah. And then we go up and that you walked down a hall and there's all these pictures of every celebrity you've ever heard of. It's like playing the modern era in the modern Carson there, you know, like everyone know in the modern era. It's like they have made a huge effort to be like this is a press up.
I don't know, what is the empire state building need from us? They make so much money off tourism, so it's like I.
Am like rushing past hordes of people that are there to see it. So it's like all these people tourists and they're like coming through and they're like making room for me, and like I'm getting in the elevator before all these people cutting in line, like you kind of feel like an asshole the whole time. And then you go up to the one hundred and second floor and then they're like, you have to sign a waiver if you want to go one hundred and third floor. That's only for like celebrities and press ups. So I get to go to the highest observation deck in the Western Hemisphere. WHOA, I don't even know what that means.
I mean that's higher than like Sears Tower.
In the Western Hemisphere. So where's where is.
The hemisphere that's the tropic of cancer. Where is it is in the middle of the Western hemisphere planic?
No, yeah, that's a good question.
Like what observation deck is killing it on the other side, I.
Want to yeah or something. They don't have an observation deck though. That's like a big.
I don't like heights, and they keep asking like are you okay with heights? My makeup guy like couldn't go up because he's scared of heights, and I was like, oh, good, Like you don't need to do this. I love I love honoring people's anxieties. I'm like, no, this is and he's like, what if you need to touch up? Like I think I'll be okay. So he stays down there. We go all the way up it is and you can just jump off. I mean like there's you had to sign a waiver because there's that you won't do anything squirrely because they wouldn't trust like the public up there.
Yeah, you did jump off, like in that that one building that you oh yeah.
Oh that's the that's the one that they don't let you go up alone because some are killing themselves. So if you go with a person, they figure you won't commit suicide. But then a kid was with his family and did it, so then I think you can't even go up anywhere. It's the one in Hudson Yards. It's like, it's a really cool looking building. It looks like a beehive. If you want to google, if you're like a morbid person, look up a building in Hudson Yards.
Suicide.
Yeah, there's a lot of them. Anyway, So we go up and they told me Jared Leto dropped his phone off. His phone breaks didn't break. It all went all the way down to the nineties. Four Oh okay, so flat.
That would have went right through someone's skull down to through their pelvision.
Yeah, twelve seconds to someone's pelvis.
Yeah, so is that his banned twelve second Yeah, drop a penny for a second. You drop a penny from that, I know it can like go down your It's like it's like a.
Though it has wind.
Well one holds pennies.
No wind makes a penny not go totally.
Yeah, that's maybe the wind.
I think wind does affect it. Anyway, I'm out there and they're like bullet Emily came up with a great idea to like because they were tossing around their social media team was like, you want to film something, and we're going through all these ideas. They pitched me the Gracy Abrams TikTok trend that I started to do.
Well copy No, I know, like verbatim.
Well, it's like a track, it's a trend, so it's not copy.
That's like what you do you started, Yeah, trends are not copy song. It's so funny that any credit for a Gracey Abram song I didn't know, I just lips too has.
Made plagiarism fun and acceptable.
No, it's fun to do trends like it's it's fun about the artist anymore. No, it's like, you know, you hope that you can create something sometimes original, but I like trends. I don't think it's copying at all. I was so so flattered that that took off, and I wasn't like, why are people tagging me? It's not even my song? Like my song, I'd be like, why are people tagging me? If you're not taking Gracie in that, that's weird. But like you looking in a mirror and then walking to a hall, I don't care. Yes, I know I started it, but it's it's not I don't really have a lot of.
I don't think, but oh sure, sure yeah and so but what you did was awesome.
So yeah, so Emily, because I was like, Emily, we need to come up with a song, and I'm like trying to think of she was like, what about to find Gravity? And I'm like, oh, it's been done, it's like Wicked's like late now. And then She's like I don't know, it's like it could work, and I'm like oh, But then I'm on my way from the toy from you know, all these presitive views, and we're going over there and I'm like trying to memorize defying gravity because I've like, I like, I have listened to it a lot, but like that part that's like, uh, what is it?
It's me yeah, and give you dare to die?
I may look to the western sky and it was Yes, it was nailed it. And so we filmed it twice. We nailed it both times, but that was just the better one. And the guy that was filming it, the team there shout out to the Embire State Building social media team. This kid was walking backwards on this observation desk deck one hundred and three floors up. I like I was posing for pictures and I was just having to like just close my eyes until then I opened for the picture because I was so nervous being up there. But it helps to have something to do, because I if you're focused on a performance, you can't be scared. Like it's so interesting. It really made me realize, like, you know, I always talking about my feet don't hurt wearing shoes when I'm performing, until I stopped performing, and then my feet will hurt. If you're performing, your other fears go away and you can do so like you know, talking to someone really famous on camera doing a scene not scary. Second cameras go off, I'm my teeth are shattering because I'm so nervous talking.
To this point, when the camera's on, you both have an obligation to perform, and when the camera's off, there's the hierarchy resumes.
Yeah it's up to you now.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's why, Like people are like Chris is always like after a show, like let's go hang out with all, Like if we'll go to like an award show, like I'm nominated for a Critics' Choice award and but I'm they're not giving me out my award at the ceremony, and I'm like, I don't want to go if they're not giving him out my work, Like if I don't have a chance to perform, Like what Yeah, He's like just so you can just go and like meet people and mingle, And I'm like, I don't.
That's not me. That's not I'll be too nervous and I'll feel, oh, you hit it that, Yeah I did?
You did you? Like? Actually you did?
It was beautiful. Yeah, Just I get more anxiety that way, Like I just that makes me uncomfortable to if I'm getting there for a purpose as soon as I get off stage, I want to like run away and go back to my like to being around people I'm comfortable with, even though I'm always having a good time when I meet famous people. Shout out to Anna Kendrick, who I sat next to at the Hollywood Reporter thing, and who is the only celebrity that.
I've ever met who's like who.
I said we should be friends, and she was like she well, she slid into my DMS after we met, and she was said really nice things and then did I say this on the podcast right? No?
And she okay.
So we met at the Hollywood Reporter thing. She was sitting next to me at my table. She was so nice. She told me that my show like got her through a hard time when she was not a hard time, but like just a time where she needed like company, and I kept her company during maybe a shoot she was on, or she was somewhere where she was kind of isolated. And I don't know what show she was talking about, but I didn't even want to ask, because sometimes people I think, just like conflate two things, and I didn't want to be like, well, that show wasn't on in that year, Like I don't know what she was talking about, but I was so it was so nice, and then she slid into my DMS afterwards. Yeah, maybe she slid into my DMS afterwards to be like, hey, I'm sorry fangirled. I'm like, no, I'm sorry, I didn't fangirl, Like I couldn't even tell you like all the things I love of yours. And then I was like, should we be friends? And she was like, oh no, she wrote you know and let it sit, which is so funny, and then she obviously wrote like JK, yes for sure. And so that's a moment that a lot you have with celebrities in your DMS, like yeah, or like at a general meeting, you're like, we should actually be friends and like let's, you know, maybe let's work on this project, but like let's be friends first.
And it never happened. It never, and I don't expect it to.
But Anna Kendrick literally followed up that DM with inviting me to dinner a couple days later with her and her friends, and I couldn't go, but it was so nice.
And like I was like, that is that's awesome? Yeah that really made so uh.
Yeah she is she really is and she's really funny that you no after I said she be friends was so funny, and she was really funny in conversation, Like because I was talking to her before my speech at the Hollywood Reporter thing, I was like, I think most of my I was like, I'm just gonna go there. I'm gonna talk about how fucking early it is. And she was like, oh yeah, we're all wearing borrowed diamonds and at seven am. Like she had like funny things that she was like, if they really respected women, they would make this in the afternoon like she had. She had funny lines like I was like, can I use that? Like she I was like she should. Uh yeah, she was was great.
Oh think I just watched it like a couple of days ago.
Oh thanks, Yeah, I mean for however you described it, it was no like from what I saw, Oh.
Yeah, I thought it was a BE minus when I go no a C minus stage. Thank you so much.
Okay, we're gonna we're gonna be back with to Mars episode just after this, but we have to go on this one. This one's done. Thank you as for joining. This one's fun.
It's over, everybody, What are you doing here again?
I got a horrible carrect Oh sorry, Oh wait, we do want to talk about how you about Second Arkansas.
On the next episode podcast at the Country right after this Don't be good bye.