The Nikki Glaser Podcast#478 Dangers Around Us, Dining Out Rules & Do Fights Make Music Better?
Nikki asks the parents in the room to weigh in on keeping kids safe from danger. She, Sean, Brian, Andrew and Noa are all about how the less taboo certain topics are, the easier it is to talk about them. Chappell Roan is a total boundary-setting queen—maybe there’s hope for the younger generation! Nikki finds out that besides comedy, Brian, Sean, and Andrew have a history of dog walking in common—it’s basically the guy version of babysitting. She’s super proud of her friend Emil Wakim for becoming a cast member of SNL! They chat about friends who get ahead and keep in touch versus those who don’t. Nikki loves a good vengeance story, but she’s definitely not here for bullies who spread lies about what it takes to get stage time. Can people in committed relationships really enjoy music? Maybe a fight with a friend could help, or Brian’s method: just think about people you can’t stand. In the Final Thought, Nikki vents about her dad’s chopstick skills, alcohol culture, eating habits, and all the things that could kill us.
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The nik Gliser podcasts.
He's Nikki here, I am Thank you guys are podcast Welcome Second Day in Los Angeles on the pod same group as yesterday's show.
Noah is in studio. What's up, Noah?
Does Brian have anything structural to say about me?
Yeah?
Any other A little bit more robust than.
Nursing. Yeah, your baby is coming, Yes to pick you up?
Yes, there's baby driving cars now, babo. I didn't know Waimo was the name of the self driving cars until I saw one yesterday. I want to get one, so I want to be in any you could do it.
Is it a way moo app? Or is Waimo part of Uber?
No, it's an app, I think. Yeah. Then you just get in and there's no driver.
I'm so into it.
Scared.
No, I feel better than I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yeah, I think you're more likely to be murdered by an Uber driver. YEA, can't.
I can't anyone here been in one?
No, I watched a YouTube video of someone being in one.
Well, tell us all about it.
That's so cool. Okay, so we're gonna meet your baby. What she liked?
What you guys are visiting? Here because Obvi's family lives here.
Yeah, okay, shewish holiday stuff. I was flying with her easy.
She's such a good baby. Yeah, she's She's just fun and loving and she's kind of silly.
God, you lucked out so lucky. Yeah, and sleeps. Yeah. Do you feel like it's you or you feel like you just got lucky?
Like because when some parents have a cranky baby, do you kind of go like they're doing it wrong and I'm doing it right?
Or are you kind of.
Like it's funny that you asked that, because Kristen and I were just talking about it, and I think it's because we're older moms and we're like way more intuitive with like emotions and are you know, like we're introspective and we just like know how we affect a child. So I think it's like being older and just kind of like.
Yeah, you've read The Body Keeps the Score and that you like you've read books, like you've.
Been around, you've seen getting to so many.
Yeah, there's so many, but I mean you're right, Like, think of how much knowledge about emotional knowledge you've about how your you were raised and how it made you who you are, that you've accrued in the past fifteen years. That is, that is so valuable that if you just had a kid early on, you wouldn't have known any of it.
Oh my god. In my twenties, I was like, so dumb.
My mom stood by the fact that as a kid she didn't want me. We lived on a river and she didn't want us to go down to the river and drown, and so she just told me, if you go down there, you'll never see mommy and daddy ever again. And how she even last night we were in the car and she was like, I stand by that I didn't want you to d and that's the only way to make you so scared. And then famously my dad would come home from work and be like, let's go down to the river and I scream and cry. I still hate the river because of it. But she's and I don't really know if she's right or wrong. Like I think I would probably use the same tactics to make sure my kid didn't wonder in the traffic of like you'll be run over and killed and you'll never see me.
Like, yeah, it's hard.
What do you do with Sean?
Yeah? What I am really bad at because Aaron is not as anxious as I am. Aaron's my wife. I'm I'm so anxious about everything that I always kind of get too real with him where I'm like and he's like, let me just run around outside. I'm like, there are pedophiles. You always have to be with me? Yeah, the only not pedophile in this neighborhood.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean I think it does work. But to what detriment?
Yeah, Like, I honestly a seven year old should be walking around thinking that there's pedophiles that live next door, but so they should Also, you shouldn't have moved in next to somebody pedip This is this is it's so cheap delivering pedophile cove. But the fact that they have their.
Own cove is Yeah, it makes it sound luxurious and like a vacation spot, and it is. Yeah, a child of the playground.
Played wire.
But I do think that it works.
And I my sister, I mean, her kids were running amok the other day in the park and she said, I kind of like want because Forrest is too and he's just running.
He just wants to go in the lake.
He wants and they're stopping him, and he the only thing stopping him from going in the lake. Is his parents and my sister's like, I kind of want him to fall in the lake just so he gets he gets scared and like learns the re questions because I'm just blocking all these horrible things happening to him all the time.
How is he gonna learn?
Like, as a parent, I think I is there part of you that wants your kid to burn the hand on the stove just a little.
Bit, Yeah, like just to get a little injured, because it does it does alert you of the danger of figure character. Cuddle with a pedophile, but don't have sexual Yeah, him two tugs.
God, he gets some candy out of it. It's not all bad.
There was a kid in my growing up that this is why it's like so like fresh in my brain always is one of my friends in third grade got molested and he he came into school and told everyone that he got molested and like it was wild because the teacher had to stop him. But I didn't piece it together what the story was until like I was in my twenties, because he talked about like a guy luring him into his house and then making him watch him pee, And I didn't realize.
Oh it was.
It wasn't pain.
Yeah, we don't know. I mean that's what you would think it was, because it's all.
You know, all you know. Yeah.
Oh, I have a friend that like.
He's doing fine now, he's so like red Bull.
Most people had something funky happened to them like that, Like not most people, but like a big percentage of kids have seen something weird, like had something not so right happen. Like I have a friend who like is like, yeah, there was like a neighbor and I think I went over and I definitely remember like seeing a man's penis and being like, oh, like, but she kind of is just like recalling it like a loose memory that she can't really like make sense of, and it kind of is. I like when there's a casualness about it like that where that it's because there needs to be that. I think people need to talk about it casually.
If we stop taking it so seriously, then people stop getting so fucked up about it.
Well that I think you're being sarcastic, But I don't think you're wrong though, Like I do think that part, and I've said this before, the reason that everyone is so awkward about it, like no if you said you were molested at a dinner party, it would like make everyone would be like that was really uncomfortable. Why it's it's it's weird, but like someone can talk about like oh yeah I was in a car accident when I was four, and no one goes that made it really weird.
But it is the same, Well fuck.
Those people if you're if you're revealing that you were molested at a dinner I guess what.
I mean, Like it it is weird because it's not. It's not.
It's not the tone with which we lead our lives in America, Like we don't talk about but we should.
We should be able to bring it up just as as so.
You want there, you want it to be like yeah I was molested when I was a kid, and the people just go, oh how was that for you?
No, it's just like oh that sucks. Fuck what happened? How did you deal with it?
Like we should all be talking about it because when you can't, there seems to be if you can't talk about something publicly, it's shameful.
Yeah, there's a barrier that's put up, so like yeah, like it means shame because it is awkward to bring it up at dinner. But it's also just because society has told you that it's awkward to.
Be like, no, why is it not awkward to be like, my dad spanked us, and and that's a little awkward, but not very It's the same thing.
It's like even if there was no shame involved in the reaction. I do feel like it's a little inappropriate to just blurt out your trauma blurted out.
But I like, within the context of a conversation to be like, actually, I was.
Okay, So they were already talking, we're getting we're molesting adjacent, and then someone just chimes in, yeah, like or.
Like abuse adjacent, or like trauma as a child adjacent conversation, yeah, or saying, you know, you're rosen thorn of the Year going around Thanksgiving.
Yeah.
I think it should just be more colloquial.
Rose is I went to Boston, my thorn is I was molested.
Yeah, yeah, I like I love when people are so just frank about it, because it just same with like Frank.
Did, usually a guy named Frank did.
You're right, but you like, I remember the first time people were like kind of really just casual about talking about the Anna herpes like I remember some comedians that Joe List comes to mind, Andy.
Haynes, There's so many.
No andians was molested. Sorry and does not.
Have you talk about it on stage.
But Andans was the.
First person I'd ever heard talk about being molested. And it wasn't like we had to pry it out of him, or it wasn't this like a podcast centered on it. He just like mentioned it on our podcast in twenty ten, and I was like, that's the coolest shit I've.
Ever it was. It was just part of it. He was like, I liked to ski and I got molested.
I will never forget.
It really made an impact on me how cool it was that he was able to like talk about it, not casually but kind of. And then I remember Joe List saying he had herpes, like herpes was the molestation of.
Herpes STD growing up.
He was very shameful.
Yet it still has that to it, and it's so it really makes a difference when comedians talk about it and joke about it casually for everyone who might have it happen to them. Because herpes is the same way as being molested. No one wants it chooses to get it.
It was all just one awkward night.
Yes, but it's just I think that's really There was always a part of me that like, if I got herpes'll I promise I'll talk about it as soon as I get it, so everyone will.
Know when I get it. I mean, I don't plan on getting it. Chris doesn't have it and I don't have it yet.
Well, there is that parenting style of if your child is running and then they fall and they scrape their knee or something, some parents will.
Go like, oh my god, are you okay?
Yes, but it's better to just go like, all right, you fell, not a big deal.
That's interesting too because there's these instagrams.
Did you see the one of like they they fake bonk the kid's head, they like hit, they bang on the wall and then they go oh no to the baby, and the baby goes doesn't feel anything because its head wasn't hit, or just the hand hit the parent's hand, and then the baby just kind of looks to the wall and goes ah and starts crying immediately, And so it shows you the reaction of the parent causes the kid react. But then I think about how I was treated as a kid when I would cry about things like socks being itchy or something I like, I didn't like like autistic things that would like cause me a lot of anxiety. And then my parents would have that like that's not a big deal kind of thing and it is really damaged.
Then that's dismissive.
Yes, So what do you do? What's what's what's the way to do it?
Like it's not a big deal that you fell, like you fell, like you get excited about it, like, oh fell, Oh that's sad.
But if you just like ask like, oh, how do you feel right now? And then they say, oh, my knee hurts, Okay, you know that pain will go away. Just acknowledging it, not dismissing it, yes, but also like letting them know that it's gonna be okay, Yeah that's good.
Great if my kid falls, I'm gonna fall too. And then I'll say every time you fall, eye fall, No, it's.
I keep going.
You will never see that.
It is like you're just trying not to give them complexes about all this. They're gonna get here, they're gonna get complexes from something, but like you, like in terms of pain and like actually talking about feelings it's so helpful to about it because like my son will have temper tantrums and we got to a point now where he will be like, don't talk to me, I'm in a tantrum, and like we're like, oh, perfect, this is great, Like we.
They're going to be so much better.
Yeah, like he's it's so healthy healthy.
I mean, Chapel Roone is an example of you know someone who like is that next generation who's really tapped into like how she's feeling in boundaries. Yes that we don't as we don't understand or recognize, and we're like almost insulted by it, Like.
You didn't know you could do that, Like Britney Spears didn't know she could set boundaries and now she's like knife dancing on Instagram.
So true, But I would even say that she probably couldn't have set boundaries with the people that were around her.
She monsters, Yeah, what father, her milf mother? Yeah, well Chapel Road, what are her boundaries? She's just like, fans need to chill the fuck out. And I don't owe you anything. I don't owe you a picture. I don't care if I've changed your life.
You don't need to stop me at Walmart and like tell me like like or wherever, Like I don't want I don't want to touch you, like, don't assault me, don't touch me.
Yeah, they were like showing up at her parents house or fans. It's like and like asking to take pictures with them, and she's like this is private.
Like yeah, here's my new thing about a boundary. If I have my dog with me, who is one of the cutest dogs that's ever lived, it's it really is true. I don't care that you're a dog person and that you need to stop and pet her. I don't That doesn't interest me. It's everyone's a dog person. They're the cutest animal that's ever lived. That's why we domesticated them over thousands of years so that they could hang.
Out with us more. It's I don't care, but there's some women. Sorry women, Oh.
Shit, that just go Sorry, Can I put her? I'm a dog person, I'm a dog lover.
Cool being like, oh I love iPhones? Can I Yeah?
It's so true, and like my dog has never been eager to be pet by a stranger.
She's always like.
This shaking kind of why continue to pet and try? Like just get away, don't pet people's dog.
I have to have a conversation where they're looking up and you're looking down because you have a little dog too. Yes, which makes it even more frustrating because now you're.
In and I'm going somewhere too usually and they are stopping me. It's I I'm sorry. If you're this person, I'm sorry.
Listen.
I've pet dogs before when they look like they're eager to be pet I've never once gone up to a dog that isn't like dying for me to pet it and said to the owner like, can I pet her?
Ever, I've never asked, because you shouldn't have to.
Yeah, if the dog comes up to you, you should pet And.
Then I asked, can I pet her? Even if she comes up to me and wants to pet me? I always ask, but like, don't just approach people because you are so special and you're so different than their people.
I love dogs. Everyone does. If you come up to me and I'm a raccoon girl.
Like, then I'll be like, that's interesting, that's something new.
I'm a raccoon girl. Could you feed me?
I just I'm burdened by it, and I always let people like little kids. I will because I want to teach little kids empathy about animals, and like little kids are a lot of times scared of dogs. So I'll all approach kids and be like, do you want to pet her? But adults, I'm not interested in your fascination with dogs and that you like them.
I have a reverse, Yeah, don't let your kids run up to me a stranger kid or run up to Like I'm eating dinner and there's a kid at the in the restaurant, and then the kid they just let the kid just roam free and then run up to my table and be like, oh, look what Johnny's doing. And it's like, I don't want to babysit your kid right now.
I agree with you. We have we have very strict restaurant roles. We don't do screens at restaurants because we we want him to be normal because restaurants are a part of life. So like knowing to eat your meal while you're there and engage in conversations so important, and not running around to Brian eating. Yes, even though he's so inviting to children.
It is the parents do that. They they'll they'll do a play by play of what the kid is doing. Yeah, oh, there's Johnny running again, and it's like it's so performative and loud that it's actually more annoying than what the kid is.
Actually, there was.
One time I had I was in a veil. This is like a rich person's area, okay, And so I think rich people feel like their kid can do whatever they want, whenever they want, and.
Because they can't.
Probably, So I was at the restaurant and Jack was there, my dog, and this little kid was running him. I was like, what if my dog bites the kid or what like, then then my dog's in trouble because you let your kid run up to me.
Yes, And so.
Ali had to like arm bar this child and like push him back without hurting him, because you know, it's just like it's like crazy people.
Jack is a very cute dog, doude. Do you have people coming up all the time to do.
Much less so now because he's he's clearly old. Right, People love people.
You want to be clear.
If you're listening and you're like Nikki such a bit about her dog. I don't mind when people are like, your dog is so cute, like love that, but you.
Don't need to touch her. I just it's like Hey, it's like a pregnant but belly.
That's true. But I literally did what you're saying this morning at the coffee shop, and I feel the urge to tell you.
Okay, okay, walk me through it, and like do you think But I'm sure you're not an idiot knowing there's away this person didn't want you to touch.
I never touch anyone's dog unless they make the owner makes eye contact with me and they see that I'm just like fawning at their dog with my eyes and I say, is it okay to pet your dogs?
Talking about going.
Ask as they are petting.
Yeah, but you're not even asking, and you're going, I'm so sorry, but I'm a dog person and I therefore I have.
The right to do the shop. Nick, You're like kind of talking about the people on the street or like yes, you're in movement and they're like running across traffic, being like, I'm a dog person, I really need to touch dogs.
I had an ugly dog.
She wasn't so fucking she was driving down the street and ghost riding her car.
You need like a greyhound or like something like you intimidating dog.
That's the problem.
Ugly, ugly dog really really skinny dogs no one wants I know.
Yeah, or cat, Yeah, people don't.
Well, people know that cat will potentially bite or scratch. Yeah, yeah, whereas that only happened with a dog five percent of the time.
That's a good point.
Are they using the dog to talk to you?
No, no, no, no, it's it isn't that. It isn't like a I'm recognized and they're trying to get through to me.
No, you were just you were a dog walker in New York. You had to have encountered them because I was a dog walker in New York. Yeah, I was a dog walker in New York.
Also, wait, what, it's.
The only way for it's the only control. It's the only way white men with dreams can get a job in New York apartment.
So they trust babysitting for men because for me, I baby set children because I'm a woman and they trusted me. It's an easier job to get as a woman. But as it's the babysitting for guys, Yeah, because it's less you're not going to fuck the dog.
Yeah, there's a chance of.
Es and they do have pretty nice like yeah they got a baby. Yeah, yeah, I actually had to take care of a great Dane who was going through her period for the first time, and I had.
To be there for her. You have to do the talk.
Yeah yeah, yeah, I got her. I got her going after Yeah. It was insane.
It was so much.
It was the most like, well that's why Vagina I ever like encountered was from a dog.
Like it was like flopping out. Yeah, because she was on the Oh I didn't know it comes out.
Oh yeah, it's like like it blooms like a road. Yeah yeah, like a blooming onion. Yeah.
Yeah, I got a cactus flower in the middle of the night.
I felt like I was on Bachelor. Yeah. I was like, oh, look at me.
Well, when Goldie my dog was getting spade or nud or whatever it does with the female dog, I was asking the rescue because they were like, you need to get her spade right away, and I'm like, but we're not going to have her around. Dogs are going to fuck her, like we really need this, and then everyone was like yes because of periods. I'm like, oh, yeah, that makes sense.
Okay, I want to now imagine a great Dane. It was like one pounds no thanks, Yeah, so intense, all right.
But a great day in like period a periods like as much as like a Pratt freshman New York. I'm just New York like Brat summer.
Oh yeah, we'll be back after that. Speaking of Pratt Brat, I was thinking of Bowen Yang this weekend on SNL doing the Charlie XCX sketch, which he's so funny.
I love him so much. Is like the m v P of SNL.
I mean truly. Yeah, now he's now in everything.
His Speaking of Chapel Roone, he did the Moodang.
Moo Dang hippo.
A lot of lot of bad feedback from I think people were misunderstanding.
I agree, Yeah, I thought I when I watched it, I go, oh, this is going to be misunderstood, like as we're making fun of Chapel Roone. But it was like, no, it was it was so I thought that was a really really good bit.
And then our.
Buddy who has been on the show before, one of my best friends ever, Emil Joaquim, new cast member of SNL. I have never been this. I don't know, I've never been this proud of anyone in my life. There's something about it that I'm like, I feel like he's like my brother or something like I am Like I even text him the day of I was like, I am compelled to get your will.
You send me your mom and dad's numbers?
Because I need to celebrate with someone who loves you as much as I do. Like I'm like, I am so excited, Like it just felt. It's so it's so crazy that this guy that Andrew and I met, who picked us up from the airport in Bloomington, Indiana, at Indianapolis Airport to drive to Bloomington, was working the door. I think like it was like just like an hour and he picked us up in two thousand and eighteen, it must have been eighteen or nineteen and did a guest set on the show.
Is now a cast member on SNL.
It's just cooled.
Seems someone like.
It was in the improv group that I started. That's right, many years after I started it.
He's gonna be so famous.
It's crazy because I've known him for five days.
I only know him from when we were in Lake City.
Yeah, like I did two weekends with him. I love He's so sweet. But seeing him on screen and knowing that like Marcello Hernandez is dating Kai Kya Gerber. Now, I'm like, I didn't know that. I'm like, Emil is about Like it's gonna be like Sydney Sweet.
To see Whomeil ends up dating. I call it like as well, like he's the next Pete Davidson.
It's it's gonna be it's gonna be absurd. You're gonna see him in like on the cover of US and he's gonna be like I did Andy McDowell.
Now, oh my god, you're so right.
It's it's He was in three things I think, including just like just even the intro, like Emil walk Like that was awesome.
It's cool with those things too, because you're gonna back at the history and be like this was the first way he just held the gun. And then he's gonna get his first like thing a weekend update, and you're gonna like get.
Some great moments though that he was on screen for a couple of seconds, Like there was some funny stuff that he did.
Yeah, made the most of That's the key to being a feature on SNL is just making the most of like your one line or your one appearance, and he did.
Yeah, it was really good.
It was a perfect for showing and then seeing him in the Good Nights at the end and Dana. He said that Dana like was like you get up here, Like Dana knew he was a new cast member. Dana Carvey and like pulled him up and he was like laughing and joking in between Dana Carving and Jelly Roll just having the best time. Like the smile on his face was so like I just debuted on SNL. He's gonna He's going down in history. It's like being a president is being a cast member. It's like it is it. It's crazy.
It's crazy. It's like being part of like comedy Skull and Bones, like when you you're part of the same institution as George W. Bush and Thomas Jefferson.
I mean, and I've never had a friend make it onto essen. I've had, you know, Amy, I remember when she hosted S and L. That was a huge deal. But like being on the cast of US and L, like, for some reason, I never really had I wasn't in sketch comedy.
So did you have friends that made it onto that? I?
Like no, I just like knew, like I guess like Chay, I like used to hang out with cha along did ok yeah, like and I'm so happy for like Jay, like but like yeah, man, like not like somebody who is like my ride or die.
Like the only friend that I had that that was ever it was Eddie Murphy's.
Yeah, it's just awesome, and congratulations to a Meal and to his whole family and like, and he definitely was someone that when he told his dad he was going to go into stand up comedy, like his dad cried because his dad's a doctor. His mom, I think, is also a doctor, and so his family was like kind of devastated that this. Yeah, and and they're all just like so it's they have the cutest family.
I just love them so much.
And he it was I was like I didn't want to bother him, like the day of, but he was like texting with me and felt so nice that I was like, oh, you know what, because I think sometimes when your friends like start to become super famous, no matter how well you're doing, you like worry. Like I've had friends before like not as soon as I'm starting to get things, they kind of pull away or they get like a little bit jealous or mad or whatever, because you feel like they think they're gonna lose you.
Is essentially what it is.
They're not Some of it might be like jealousy that you got this thing and I didn't, but it really is about like you won't probably.
Talk to me anymore once you get famous.
And I think I had Initially with a Meal, there was a feeling of like I'm losing my friend, like he's gonna enter I'm not even in the SNL cool girl world that like cool kid club yet. And but then I just just interacting with him this week and sharing about his experience, I'm like, Oh, there's no way I'm gonna lose this guy.
Like he's just he's a good guy that's always gonna be ease ground it. Yeah, he's away so young.
That's so nice to hear. Just I actually forgot that I was very good friends with Brooks. I forgot that he was honest. And now he stopped like responding because he was like, he's like, sorry, I had to go to David Busters with Bobby morn I had, And I'm like, it's so weird that you know Bobby Mornehan, like Mornhead's been on TV for like seven years and you're just like the biggest dipshit I know.
Yeah, it's like that is I think more than anything when I when my friends get things and I have a reaction that is, you know, I won't like say it out loud, but there's like a part of me that's like they didn't get that.
Thing, and it's like a bad feeling.
It's just that I don't I just want them to still be friends with me, and I think they won't if they get too cool, because I lost friends in high school to the cool kid, to the snl of high school, you know, the coolest table in the cafeteria, and and I think that you're just I'm scared of that happening again.
Well, I have that feeling about people who aren't my friends who get things want their lives to be.
I have enemies in my head that like they're like I clearly don't think about you at all, but I'm like, I want you to fail.
Yeah, and that's when you watched only four minutes of their special.
To Netflix that this.
Is not okay, and that this person was mean to you once when they didn't mean to be and you took it the wrong way, but they were just had a cold.
Yeah, there's an there's an insanely famous person that I'll talk about off air because it has become too online because I've mentioned in the podcast he's so famous and he was my friend and he fucked my girlfriend in New York and I can't I can't get over I can't get over it. Famous, you too fucked her while you were dating? Yes, your friends. And I hate his guts to the point where like, but there was like a time in LA has.
His star diminished at all? Have there been? Like because it can't stay?
How did you find out? I was Everyone told me Swift fucked your girlfriend. I mean, like honestly, if you're actually like putting the top like top twenty most famous people, he's definitely in that list.
Or maybe you told me, but I forget.
Including like political leaders. Oh no, I'm talking this strictly pop culture. But like if you just he's such a multi hyphen it that you would know. And there was a time, I know, there was a time where every billboard in l A was him.
I think Dad el Malay.
Really like I'm like, what is.
He gonna get Madden me Like like oh really I did not know that?
Yeah, oh my god. And I can't watch Atlanta.
Like so talented That's why I don't like to get to know celebrities, because you learn something shitty about them and then you can't enjoy anything they make.
It sucks to have this like hip on my shoulder, and like I just constantly read where they're like he's a genius and it's like almost like Albert Einstein fucked my girlfriend.
But here's the thing, though, no matter how talented he is in the bedroom, I heard he's even better.
So that's so you got that going for you. Yeah, yeah, that sucks.
How many times did he think it was? It like a you know, I didn't get those deep outs. I always wonder if it's like because if it's one night, I wouldn't hate him as much if it was like you.
Know, I think it was just like a thing that we were like friendly with each other and like also, yeah, a month before it, like we hosted like this the election night at two thousand and eight, like together wow at Sound Fix, and I was just like, this guy's like my friend, and then it turns out he's also but also you were dating Jane Sean. Yeah, I think it was while we were dating. He's been around your wife.
Yeah, it was your girlfriend cheated on you with Donald Glover.
He's apologized so much, right, you know, I've only seen him twice since then, and he acted as if he only slightly remembered me.
Oh my, yeah. I mean he's probably playing so much that she was a batch.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was talking to you know, the person I was playing poker with, the other not playing but watching play poker. I was talking to them about having success and how it feels so good when you see people who are shitty to you and you get to now like have some power over them and like possibly sure destroy them, yeah, like impact their career negatively and there. And I've talked about it on the podcast before. There was a girl that was so rude to me on a show I did one time, and I almost want, I don't really want to host a late night show, but I just know she would end up being booked on it at some point if I did have one. And I you know, like you probably aren't aware of everyone being booked on your show, so you probably show up to work and just see the breakdown, be like, oh, she's performing tonight, and go tell her to pack up and leave. Yeah, like just but her crew's already here, we've already done the sound the rehearsal and the sound check. Just tell her she has to go, and just don't don't even tell her why. But she's not performing on my show. I'm not giving her platform and like to have her just be like why and like maybe be able to just give her a note of like, you know this game show, think back to it when you were when you thought.
You were better than me. Yeah, and it's and I.
And my friend goes, no, that's not what you do. You have her on and you just like make even give.
I don't know, I don't want to. I go, it's better to not.
You've let's enjoy Behar's mature. There's a video of Michael B. Jordan, right, yeah, and this girl's interviewing the Red carpet. She made it to the Red carpet and then she's like we went we were in grade school together, and he just looks at her.
He's like, yeah, you bullied me. You were actually like and like made her feel horrible. Michael Jordan's people. Yeah, yeah, but no, it's like yeah, it was just like that's great. It was like so vengeance, it's nothing better. Yeah, vengeance. Michael b Jordan, He's like, as he's so good.
Luck, well no in the why or he was a skinny little kid.
Yeah, but he still had it.
I love vengeance. I love.
It's something I shouldn't and I don't think about it that often, but that would be I almost would do something just like that. I wouldn't want to do a show, but I would do it if I could impact negatively someone's life that thought they were better than me at one point.
You're I don't think you're capable of vengeance.
Really, I don't really want to harm you. Forgive you easily.
Turns into harm in there and in their staff's lives.
Sure, well you are good people there, and why you can't do vengeance because you think about things like that.
But I just want them to know, like I don't want to know what I want.
What you really want is for that vengeance the person who wronged you in the past to become your friend and then apologize more than get revenge on them.
Although there's been some people that have turned and been nice to me after they were rude, and the part of me that wants to just be like, you suck and I'm not. I like, there's that's part of me that still wants me to like them.
Because they were mean to me.
Yeah, change because of that.
That's there's one person who's gotten so nice to me because I've since I've become slightly famous, and they were so rude to me, coming up all the time without question, and I just thought it was because they like kind of saw through me and saw the parts of me that I don't like about myself and kind of like had my number and I almost respected that they just didn't like me and stuck to it. And then they turned like I hadn't seen them for six months. Things happened in my career and they were so nice to me. I was like, oh, you I liked you before when I thought you were just a cunt.
And now like you're just you didn't.
Like me because that wasn't cool.
Yeah, and that I thought you didn't like because you saw through me, but you just didn't like me because I wasn't what you thought, because I wasn't successful in your eyes, and and it made me not yeah, And it made me not fear that person as much. I was just like, oh, I see through you're pathetic.
Yeah, it made it was.
Really lacking any utility.
Yeah, but I mean there's been people I didn't.
I'm trying to think of if there's been anyone early on that I just didn't like. It was kind of mean too, and then.
But he didn't get fame. I was so mean to Microcy. You were mean man? Oh yeah interesting. Oh well when he showed up, he was like truly like he seemed like he was molested by.
Micros is a comedian in New York.
He's so funny, was so so funny, and I had to take a couple of years away from him.
I love Microcy. I think he loved the one of the funniest.
I love. He's so funny.
And when he first started, it was just like you shouldn't be here, like your energy is weird. Like he was very like Dylan Cleebold at the open and then he figured out how to do comedy and I like would die for a scene.
Yes, I love him now too, but it's yeah, it turns, but it's it wasn't because yeah, I got interest, like.
I started after Microsy. I remember talking to other comedians of Racine was that person to us who we felt was like stand offish and mean and like but now it's just so funny how you can hear from I feel like Racine was dealing us generational bullying because he was bullied by Sean.
Yeah for sure.
Yeah it does get people her people.
I'm sure someone bullied you at some point that was above you in comedy.
Oh, I mean, I've talked about it so much. But Saint Louis.
In Saint Louis, there was this girl that was like, I just told everyone I I fucked everyone for stage time, and I was a virgin at the time, and it was just it was true, truly devastating and made me want to lead, like I'd never been bullied in that way in high school or anything like that.
Do anal though fair.
I remember reasoning when her because she was drunk once, being like, did you fuck that? And she was listing all these comedians I'd opened for, and I go, well, yeah, I did.
I blew that one.
But it's because I really liked it.
It wasn't for stage time. I actually turned stage time.
Down because these guys would I never did anything if I thought I was getting something because they wanted to fuck me.
I would never.
I only wanted to be get stage time because of my merit. I never thought I was never someone who used that to get ahead. In fact, there were guys that would offer me stage time and had never seen me but wanted to have sex with me. And I would be like, I'm bad, I'm not gonna do a spot because I knew that I sucked. So it was just so weird that she would accuse me of using that or like and then when I started getting good, she would just say that they wrote my material for me, which was just so insulting.
As well, that sucks.
That really sucks.
I used to get laid for stage time, and.
I used time. I was gay for a while.
You guys, I feel like, are the same as me.
As like you none of you were like that thirsty for stage time when you so everyone needs to see me, like you didn't believe.
I was horrified, Like I remember asking for a guest spot at my club. I started at like after I was like already, I had to wait till I was like clearly a top three comic at the open mic. I was too afraid to like god out in front of a real audience and like yes, I saw, I was like over prepared and like I remember Kurt Metzker. It was like, I'll recommend you to the seller, and then Julian told me I wasn't ready and it's.
All you need.
It's stuck in my head forever still to this day, where I'm like, well the seller is just so far out of reade.
Yeah, I don't think I'm.
Friends with any comedians who like, I mean, maybe casually know some of them, but real friends. I don't think I could be friends with someone who's like I always knew I had it and people needed to see me. I believed in my like no one I'm friends with believes in themselves in that way.
In fact, any friend I have that like really fucking it's like braggadocious and like fucking loves themselves, I like wind up not being friends with them almost immediately because my natural instinct to that is like I got to tear that down.
Because we were actually talking about how long we've been friend Sean like I reached out. We became friends via MySpace because we both were like, oh, you're funny, I'm funny. Let's hang out or like, let's at least talk on my Space. And then we eventually hung out and I was talking about like, yeah, I think I had good taste in people friends, even early on, and I because I did that with a lot of people and reached out to them, and some immediately I just revealed themselves to be way too confident. I think they're too cool, and I just couldn't. I had to be fake around them because I had to like be the same way I wasn't. I was so insecure.
Because I'm an energy energy matcher, like so yes. So then I'm like, I feel very uncomfortable when I'm like around somebody who's just like I fucking rip it every time I'm on the stay, I'm like.
Okay, this is totally what we're going to.
No.
No, just when people get off stage and they bomb horribly, but they have the confidence, like they just.
Tore the roof off, it's just wild. I remember I stopping friends with three people in New York because I saw them on stage bomb. I get talking about how funny they were on stage. I was just like, I can't know you. I don't want to know you.
No, I've had to distance message, like I've.
Never said I'm funny because I'm so afraid of saying that and then proving I'm not.
I mean, that's why Instagram some it just makes me so uncomfortable to see some of my friends on there because it is a brag machine you have to like and that's why I can't even look my own stuff. Makes me cringe sometimes because you have to like tell people how.
Well you're doing.
And it's really a gross quality and does not attract the right people to you.
No, if they're falling for.
It, no, but it attracts people with money to you because people like they hate self deprecating humor.
I know, it's that is so true, because that's why they're all confident.
Confident. You're not confident?
Ye?
Why why are you saying? Why make you suck at all aspects of life?
Yeah, it's okay. Taking a sharp turn.
I saw something that I thought would make you all laugh because I think you both know.
Do you know you guys know bright eyes?
Yes, bright eyes.
This is the first day of my life.
I literally have a text menu from yesterday where I was like, the only reason why I ever voted to begin with was bright Eyes because he said but for Jock Carry and I was like, done, well, okay.
I was on Reddit and it was the music Subreddit, and it was like Bright Eyes, I guess canceled all concerts for the remainder of their tour because he has vocal cord issues.
Shout out, I've been through it.
It sucks.
But so sometimes Reddit can just be so funny, and this was a hidden funny Reddit thing. And someone wrote the first comment is this is.
The worst tour of my life.
And then the next person goes, swear I was gonna see bride Eyes play. They sucked it up. I logged on to read it. Suddenly everything changed. The next person wrote, they're saying cancelation leaked, and then underneath that this was the first post that I saw. Next person, these are all different people, swear that that I already had tickets.
His voice is strained. Suddenly tours are changed, they're saying, and then uh oh, guess they're saying.
And then the bless person goes, guess I'll go to sleep.
I just love when everyone agrees to like do something and comment on comments.
It was so satisfying to me.
It's fine too.
That song is like the least stressful on your voice ever.
Yeah, oh yeah, that's true, Like yeah, but if you ever hearing, yeah, it's been thirty five years of vocal strain.
Oh my god, at the Bottom of Everything, Oh my god, Can we just talk about.
That song for a second.
That's the one? Is that the one that made you scared of air travel?
I mean, they're so well.
It starts out.
If you've never heard it, listen to the At the Bottom of Everything, Busty's go listen to the song.
It's one of the best songs. But it starts out with there was a woman on a plane.
She was reading her book and she was really bored and listless.
Do you remember this?
And then there's a man next to her, and suddenly the plane starts shaking and people are screaming, and the man next to her says, She looks the man next to him, and she goes, what's happening. He goes, it's your birthday, darling. We're going to a birthday party, and everyone loves.
You very very very very very very very very very very But he's like, it's so creepy.
And then it turns in this like really lovely song about a plane crashing and like going to the next phase of your life, and it's so good and creepy and I love it.
He was the Dylan of our general Yeah, like he kind of was. Yeah, I mean like truly, Like in high school, I listened to like the Calendar hung Itself.
Oh I don't know that one.
It's so great. It's like it's all about just like unrequited love in high school and it is about killing yourself because she'll never be with you. And I would listen to that song five times a day, like just being like here I go.
Like man like music in high school and when you're like.
Not Depeche Mode was like that for me.
Oh really what song?
I can't I don't remember any names.
It was just a feeling of like being so sad and just leaning into.
It as like all in relationships and have been for a while, Like doesn't music just like not get it get you is hard anymore? Like I gotta like contra, I gotta get a little high sometimes because I want to like remember a time what I need, like shift my perspective to listen to some music because I want to like remember when I felt that way when.
I was listening to the song and being like I love this, Oh I love me.
Like I truly I miss I miss Like I was like a real emo kid, Like I really miss like listening to like bands like Thursday where it's aggression, but then also there's like horrible songs about just getting broken up with and you just there's a song called how Long Is the Night by Thursday that I would just like cry every night listening to, and I'm like, now I listen to it, I'm like, this is pathetic. Now you cry watching the Mets. But yeah, I wish I could just go back to feeling like there's.
No songs about like long term committed relationships that would ever listen the same kind of emotions as any breakup songs.
Well, there's divorce. You get to divorce songs.
Yeah, that's that's what we all are going to get. Yeah, all right, I'm.
Getting fights and I'll put on music like in the.
Shower, Yeah, with like I found myself sitting on the floor of a shower like listening to.
Like pretending you're in a music video or pretending you're like a Lifetime movie.
I'm like, you'll get to a fight with your girlfriend and then you'll go in the shower and.
Just sit on the floor in a listening to like the cheesiest music you've ever heard.
I'll tell you what I do break I have been recently.
Like the only time I will feel like because Chris and I kind of have a really good plan for when we fight, it doesn't last long. I can't really put a song to it. It's just like resolves itself. We're like in a we've been in a really good place for months and months and months, so I can't really get emotional about songs. But like I can have fights with girlfriends and then I've been really into bad blood and I imagine like I'm never gonna talk to you again, and I sing because maybe now we got bad and I've like been on a treadmill like fucking gym, and then it really helps to be processed. And then that's that's what. Now that I'm in my relationship is good. I'm like looking for fights with my girlfriends to be like, I'll never we had such a good thing.
This is why we can't have nice things.
By Taylor Swift, like it's turned into girl friendships and I'll like fucking burn them down.
Oh but you can do that without friendships. You can do that with career stuff. Enemies, Oh, enemies that succeed or whatever. I go to the gym, and I'm like, that's what when I listen to it. When I listen to rap music at the gym, I'm thinking about destroying the people who made that show.
That sucks. Oh wow, that's cool. I don't. I gotta get more vengeance in my life. It's all.
It's all like I'm driven by Spike, I will say. And it does feel a lot of my This is actually.
Weird that you bring up Bright Eyes because I was in New Jersey this past week with my parents and we got into a massive fight.
Oh yeah, we were on a zoom call and you were like, I just got into a huge fight with my parents.
I'm three, Celsius is into the day.
Yeah, oh my god. So we got into like a two hour long foot fight, and the entire ride home from New York that night, I just listened to Bright Eyes and I was like, oh my god, it was I was just I'm seventeen. I was again with your parents, yea, with my parents. Like it all like it just clicked right now. Like I'm like, so, I'm like I have not listened to Bright Eyes in forever, and it like was really soothing. And it was only because I fought with my pants. Wow, Like I fought with them like I was seventeen, Like I was like jumping up and down.
Scream Oh my god.
It's crazy that it can just put you right back there with your parents.
I am sut. I like I found myself being my.
Parents are in town right now, and uh, being such a bitch last night final thought, like last night going to dinner, like I can't my dad eating with chopsticks bothers me so much. It's just watching him try to get these little cucumbers, like get a proper bite. I can't focus on anything he's saying. I'm just like, use a fork. But it's not even like I'm just like learn how to like you play guitar really well, Like how are you able to do?
Like?
And you can't do it's so annoying to be Yeah, it's just I just don't understand and and like I'm being such a brat about it. And then he also the way he orders bothers me. He'll be like, so, what's this she's so with the miso dried and then the.
Sea bass on the side.
He'll ask what the thing is and then the waiter will just say the same thing. So it's the drive she's so with the flaky meats, and then you'll go, okay, I'll have that, and it's like he doesn't learn anything. Why do you have to ask so many questions?
I just know what I want.
I don't have to ask when someone goes, what do you what do you like here to the waiter? Yeah, and I don't know why don't? Well?
Sometimes I ask what's the most popular dish?
That's ok that's okay, that's okay, that's actually information, that's that's important. Why would you ask a person another person who.
You don't know.
You don't know how they eat, You don't know what they like. They just give it to the table. You don't know anything about them, what they It's like it's full. It seems to be like, mom, just make it. You're one to meet, you're one of us. We're not gonna treat you differently because you're a waiter. It's like, yes, I am, you're waiting on me. I'm not gonna treat you less then, but it's your job to wait on me. I don't need to be buddies.
Besides, I go like, what's what's your favorite dish? And then they'll go with the caesar sal and go.
I don't want that exactly.
Party won.
They also picked the third cheapest thing or the third Well, yeah, I love but if you're not going to get the filet to Sam and his fans the.
Worst, that's the worst when they answer with every single thing on the menu.
Also, but I.
Really do appreciate when they go it's that that's nice.
Che he heard that would lose his when they got none of the time. Like, I've studied the menu beforehand. I know what I'm doing going in, and I'm like, I want to make this as quick as possible because I got to get back to like saying something inappropriate. And you are like the principal for something to.
Get obsessed with.
Efficiency obviously, And there's nothing more I like than meals with friends. I want them to last forever. I never ever want them to end. But I do not like pageantry.
Of eating out.
And I think the more money you spend at a place, there's more bullshit that these people have to do.
And I do respect waiters.
I want you to I don't want you to misinterpret me being like I don't want to be chummy with waiter. It's because it's fake to me to be chummy with waiter. We're not friends. They have a job, they have other tables. I don't need to like act like they're buds with me. And so I'm not being disrespectful. I just I'm being actually respectful by not acting like I care how their day was.
Yeah, I don't don't want to talk to anybody but anything.
I don't want you to give me the drink menu and withhold the food menu. No boo, I don't I want. I want the food menu right out the out of the gate. Drink menu is irrelevant. People who are interested in a drink menu become an alcoholic or just stop drinking, like you know what you like. Like, I don't like being like, let me try this cocktail, like I can't.
I don't hang with people that are.
Just like, oh, I'll try a fun new cocktail and I'll just have a couple of SIPs of it.
It's so weird. It's like it's like being into Pokemon as an adult or something where you're like, I, I gotta try them all.
Calories in a fruity, dumb beverage that has been put together because of like what they ordered too much.
Of Yeah St. Patrick's day.
Mad respect to anyone who who eats their drinks their calories and has like a sane relationship with food, and they're like, I just want to try a fun, fruity drink, like God love you. I don't relate to anything in your life. And that is so cool to me. But drink menus are bullshit to me, Like, I don't want of them propped up. If you like wine, get the chardonnay, get the red like you, we don't you need to do.
A taste testing of it.
That's really yeahane to me?
Is that the only thing that taste test by the way, Yeah.
As somebody who drinks dire coke like.
That, you should have a fun it should different.
You are so right, that's where you should just swirl it around.
Yeah, no, put more is a four day ago.
That is such a good point. That's a good bit.
You should do that bit because it's it's that that's the only time where a beverage really is wine tastes bad.
Taste. I'm like, oh, yes, it's wine, and.
I've never seen someone taste it and go no, and if before yeah, she goes, I don't like that raw chicken because I don't want you.
What could be bad about it?
Like, it doesn't taste good. Sometimes it doesn't taste good.
Its wine, it's not supposed to. They're fermented.
There are grapes that have gone bad and they turn sour, so they turn to literal poison. Alcohol is a poison. It's not supposed to taste good. I'm so tired of alcohol culture. It's all bullshit. If you like beer, you do not like the taste of beer. You do think you like it because you're lying to yourself that you like it because it makes you fucked up.
You would never drink beer if it didn't make you fucked up. And I know you.
Go No, I drink non alcoholic beer because you used to get fucked up on beer, and it reminds you of when you used to get sucked up. It's still about a feeling. It's not actually the taste is not actually good. Children do not like to taste of beer. Here.
If children don't like the taste of something, it actually tastes bad.
And I am.
I fall for this stuff too. I love coffee. I think toffee tastes good. It doesn't.
Yeah, the first time.
No one likes coffee the first time they drink it. It is a bitter, bad taste and that's why you add sugar and cream.
Yeah, I've hated the taste of coffee my entire life. It's never gotten better. And I drink it black and yeah I love it. Yeah, but I don't.
But it does not taste good. I'm not lying to my house. It tastes like it feels good.
Yeah, And then people are like, oh, you go to Starbucks, Like what do you like? There's so many better coffee plays. I'm like, not to make it tastes like shit.
Garbage, because you're right, it does.
You sound like Bill Maher when I'm talking this way.
But I do feel a little bit of condescent densnsial.
If there was caffeine and gatorade, it's all I would drink. And of course, people, you.
Don't realize that these things are drugs you are drinking. And I'm working on a bit about how motherhood is also a thing that people convince them selves they love because and they really do think they love it. It's not like they're like lying to themselves. You do think you love coffee. It is the same as loving its.
Dinner, and they brought out I got a decalf. I don't know what I was thinking. I think it's such a strong move. I don't like the taste of coffee.
I loved coffee because it makes you feel the way coffee would make you feel.
Decaf does work, and I do. I do drink because it has a little bit.
Caftle bit and it's just like an a beer, like it gives you the feeling that you're doing the thing that used to give you the feeling like it's it.
I felt like I didn't know.
I didn't finish the decaff because I knew that the end result wouldn't be me having a fun time on caffeine, right, So I was just like, oh, I don't even like coffee.
Why did I even get this?
More like that I always make about beer when people go, no, beer is good. I went to a Froio place and they had a beer flavor once and I went up and I asked, I go, how how much you got to change that one? And they go never, no one ever. They sample it because it's funny, but no one. If you liked the taste of beer so much, would that be an ice cream flavor? People enjoy. It's not guess what other other flavor ice cream? People don't get that much coffee. Coffee, sometimes they do. It's nice a little because you don't want to eat too much of it because it tastes bad.
Yeah, it's so bitter. It is, honestly like I want a sugary treat, but I also don't want to enjoy myself.
Yes, yes, and you bars and dark chocolate bar also not good.
Dark chocolate. No chocolate. Dark chocolate is delicious. I eat so much.
Delicious as milk chocolate.
And the reason chol.
Your scale chocolate sucks.
Milk chocolate is so good.
God, it sucks.
It's it's too smooth. No, it's I love how that is. Dark chocolate honestly tastes like you're eating chocolate like it's not.
And then the lower percentage you go, the worse it is, but you eat it because it's it's better than nothing.
Your jaws moving.
Can I quickly go back to the beer? Can places stop beer battering everything and putting beer and cheese and making our chicken beer batter and it just has you just adding beer.
No, Yeah, I'm sorry.
If you're someone who loves wine and you love beer and you love coffee, and you do think that they taste good, like, because I've gotten sony fights of people and people really do think they taste good. And I also think coffee tastes good. I just want to say, it's your brain pulling a trick on you, because it's same with onions and stuff. Like you really when I read that Alan Carr book about drinking and how alcohol doesn't taste good and any and the same one with the caffeine book, Like if you give a child something and they go like that equals.
It doesn't taste good. And we all have to get to enjoy coffee. We all have to get past that tomato.
Yeah, you have to deal with vegetables a lot of the time. It's like you have to push through it and like you have to trick your brain.
And put oils and sweets, like that's why carameling onions makes them good.
Like grilled onions great.
But the feeling I think.
We get mixed up with, Like I taselthing tastes good because it gives me the feeling because it's all kind of like the same but still the ritual and oh my god, oh the Starbucks ritual. Opening the door of a Starbucks is what I'm there for, Putting holding that cup in my hand. The warm if it's a cup without the handwarmer, not as good as a drink. I'm not tasting the can warm. It's all a lie, but it tastes different to me.
With the ritual is so important that the Starbucks that I walked to every morning by my house was close for like they were redesigning it for like two weeks. So I was going to a different Starbucks and like redesign it, yeah, like they I guess they're.
A new mural on the wall kind of yeah.
Justifying that we like unions. But like you, they close for two weeks, and I was going to this other Starbucks and it was really terrible, Like I hated the Southern Starbucks and now the new one that's opened again, and they all I wanted, it turns out, was them to be like, hey, Sean, how are you? They know my name? That's all I've wanted. Yep, they a bar, it's a bartend. It's the same.
Oh my Starbucks, the one I go to in Saint Louis and the one I go to here when I mobile order, they fucking rush that ship. They know I am and they wink when they hand it to me, like it's so good. It's the best, the best, and they make it. You can taste the love in it. Yeah, it's but nothing bugs me more than a Starbucks.
That's like, you know, do you get lattes?
No?
You don't? You get Yeah, you have no fun with coffee.
I have no fun with coffee. I'm a black But like Aaron gets the fun drink of the month every day, she does. Yeah, So like right now, it's like a Chris.
I want to be that person so badly.
That's a fun person milk latte. Uh hell yes, And she does that and I'm like.
Cool, that's a good couple.
As getting the alcohol drink.
It's different, yes, And I want to be that person too, But I'm never going to be that person. And I don't hate that person. I want to make a distinction. It sounded like I hated that person. I don't relate to you on any level. Someone being like because that's someone who doesn't have an eating disorder of any kind to me, because they're.
Just like the.
Sugar bomb and have And I'm going to risk calories for a new taste, not on my watch. Not if I'm gonna get calories, I want exactly what the calories I want are.
Some people go through the menu too, and they're like, I don't know what I'm getting and they always get the same three things.
Oh someone who goes when someone's if you're winning the line and you get to the front of line and you do it, I mean walk in front of traffic, like on the way out. Have that be your last because I can't get in and this is a dining out too. Look at your menus then shut. Let's all shut our menus to send a message. Yes, let's get our order in before other tables.
Yeah. I don't believe intele epathy on last time at a restaurant because like what I have decided, I'm like trying to sync up with they like all right, come, we're ready now.
But I love dining out so much. It's my favorite thing in the whole world.
I like dining out, but with purpose, like you got it. It's not it can be a long dinner, but.
I want to get long dinner I love, but I want to get it in.
I want to get the appetizers in. I need apps within the first five to ten minutes.
I don't care for apps. I want all the food out at once or that's even bad. But I don't mind if other people eat apps. I like watching people.
But I will say we went out to lunch before the Jets game last week, uh huh, and we got with I and me Columbus Circle in Columbus Circle. And then I got back to the hotel room and I was said to Chris, I was like, I gotta tell you, that's all I want to do in my life is just sit at a table with funny people by funny friends who we kind of all know each other but like all kind of don't like we're still like getting to share news stories and like it was so satisfying. I just love going out to eat with friends. And I need let me just say, did you hear I said friends, I don't really like dining with one.
On one on one. No, I don't alone.
The thing I learned about myself no.
Yeah, no conversation. Yeah, I love. I love basically this is so like curb your enthusiasm coded in me. But I love a six person table. I like kind of being in the.
Middle, yes, because you're what's it called.
Or like yeah, like I love like that's like my dream scenarios, just always doing that.
I I love it. And this is what this podcast is.
Stuff we're not eating, but we should eat.
We should restaurant. Be so upset Phil Rosenthal they eat on his podcast and it's always it's so hard to listen to.
Yeah, yeah, unless it's ASMR and it's like exactly the way I want. But diet coke I'm back on. It's never going away. I just heard Heather McMahon on social media talking about how she was off diet coke for fifteen years or something and she's back on it.
Well, she thought diet coke killed her dad.
Really ye oh no, that's what she put Like, how like in the music fire Away, was he like run over by a die?
Now he had twenty five and he drove his fucking Camaro.
It's a clut.
Everyone has so much guilt around it, and I'm like, I don't understand why, but we all must know that it's just terrible for us because of the hold it has on us.
Yeah, I mean I'm obsessed with it.
Why I can't say why I am.
Yeah, I really feel like if di if they outlawed diet coke, I might like jump off.
In Europe, they don't have diet coke. They just have coke zero.
Yeah, I know, I don't.
I had one the other day and I was like, I feel like I'm in Europe, like, yeah, it doesn't hit the spot, and it does hit.
In Europe though, I don't know, maybe just because you don't have another option.
Maybe ice, Yeah, ice makes Europe.
I'm sorry I will Some European vesties write me and say, why would a Why would you have a coke zero or any kind of soda and not want it to be cold?
Like why would you? Why would that make that beverage better?
Is there?
I just don't understand there's anyone that would enjoy it.
Are they just so smart about it knowing that like they'll like it more and they know they shouldn't like it more that they're doing it.
Oh, they're like trying to.
They're doing it. Yes, dark chocolate.
Dark chocolate is good. It's delicious. It's better than milk chocolate.
No, that's why.
I don't ice. If it comes out really cold, but then I have to chug it. But Europeans sip everything, so everything gets lukewarm. I want to understand why are like lukewarm, So.
I would think is one they don't want the water to water down.
Their diet coke.
They are taking it, yeah, and they're taking it well, and they just mainline in the diet coke. They just want to get all diet coke.
You don't want to want need to be cold.
And they're not.
And it's not like it's not not cold though it's not like a hot hot.
I think I.
Would like you got at I would like it hot better than just like room to like I'm not really but like it's really almost susp.
Ever tried to chug die coke after being hungover, Oh, it almost kills you. You almost blow up like a seagulls.
Like insane. Cold diet coke though when you're hungover is incredible, Like I could probably drink like I guess, I guess not to quench your third pond of it.
I woke up in the middle of night last night and all I had was diet coke.
I mean there was tap water, but.
My killed mother's dad, so I was like, I'm not doing that.
So I cracked open a die coke and I remember counting the chugs. I did ten chugs and just set it down and then went back to sleep, and I woke this morning to it. It was It was insane. But I've always been a chugger. I remember my dad as a kid being.
Like Jesus Christ, slow down. I just like chug things really hard.
Do you eat dinner fast as kids like to get it? I eat fast, I drank fast.
I do everything fast.
Yeah. I ate as slow as humanly, really.
Or the slowest eater. I'm very envious of it. It's a very great habitat.
Do you enjoy your parents' conversations? No, I just want to savor the food.
He licks cats.
I don't. I don't eats.
I'm starting I say kit cat, and then I will adjust because no one knows what you're saying big cat. If I say he licks big cats.
Yeah, you sound like Trump.
You're not HATI you just are patient.
Wait wait, brought back a kit cat kick.
So there's a kit cat. There's a big kick out called a big cat. So I started, believe me, I know the it's great.
It's really honestly, it's cat.
Brian to savor it, will lick it, nibble it, it will he could probably suck on a kit cat like a John Mellon cat sucking on kit cats.
On the set of That Boy Island.
You and and like just take little nibbles and like savor it.
It's it's where do you put it? You just keep it in the wrapper.
You don't keep it in the melts you got. You gotta be very careful about that because it will melt in your head. Melting kit cats is horrend That's why.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah, well I eat it fast because the dopamine is like you want get more more, but you get a little addiction.
Little nibblets of dopamine over the hours.
La you're eating it over courts of suff That is kid hours something to do the same because you don't want and it's just not.
A big He does not need restraint to do this. It is his natural way like all of us. But we'd be like, you know, it's insane.
Spend spend the friend and you're a kid and you go to like circle K with three of your boys and you all get your boy.
Your buddy is like three hours later.
After playing football and you're like you're still on that Oh my god.
Like my friends would have destroyed that, Like my friends have destroyed all all joy in my life. Yeah that I would never do high school drama because of them. Like I like, honestly, if I had like a Snickers and I licked it in front of them, Like, honestly, I got how gay for watching straight porn that had a guy in it?
I was. I asked Sean the other day, like, I forget how you got into stand up, Like did you do plays in high school? And he was like I really wanted to, but I couldn't because my friends made fun of me.
I'm like, that is such bullshit.
Yeah, I got cast in a play and they made fun of me so much that I quit the play, like lighting down my drama teacher, who I was. I love.
It is kind of funny to do that too, when you're like, we played sports, we were decent, We're pretty good at sports, but I wasn't good enough to give up on something else. Yeah yeah, yeah, it's just yeah, but you would be called gay in high school.
But I really can remember every guy. I remember any meal that I've eaten slowly because it's taken so much strength and determination. Well I've had to do it, you know, in front of if I'm at like lunch with an agent when I was twenty four or something, you know, like I literally can remember every single time I've ever eaten. I'm like a normal person. Yeah it had to eat or on a date or something, and I'm chewing with my mouth clothed, like, but it's it's not something that comes naturally to me at all.
You're you're right, but like when I get if you get like a seafood tower with like your agent, Like I'm all of a sudden in my head being like, well, technically I'm supposed to have another one, but I also know I should wait because they're like they're normal. You're feeling judged, you know, Yeah, I'm not.
I'm not picking up the broccolini stocks with my hands, which is the way to eat broccolini in my opinion, I have to like cut it and then not eat the stem that I want to eat because I'm trying to look how and I get proud of myself, like I'm like a like I can't imagine being someone who doesn't finish everything on their plate that they like. Like I imagine if you don't like a thing, leave it, but if you liked it, and you're just like, no, I'm just good.
No, it doesn't.
I get in ways where I'll make noise like you don't really, I don't realize what I'm doing. Yeah, yeah, and I'm licking my fingers and then I look up and people are like, it looks like I've murdered a fucking hooker and I don't know. It's just terrible and I don't realize it. And I try to get to a state when you're eating.
Yeah, I get yeah, I get it. Yeah, I think I know. I feel you.
I've done things where I like, I'll put like a like a mint in my mouth and try not to chew on it, like to test myself within seconds i'm chewing.
I think that I like suck the color off of eminem peanuts that I just But.
Because when I'm eating something i'm a little bit ashamed of eating, I want it. I want to almost as a part of me that's like I want to be done feeling the shame. So I want to eat it fast to get it out of the way, and I don't enjoy It's such a food. Addiction is such a fucked thing because you don't any addiction when you're in the throes of it, you're not enjoying the thing that you are doing that you are rearranging your life around to do. You can't even enjoy it while you're doing it. The shame afterwards makes you want to do it more because it's the only way you can feel better about the thing you just did, and it leads to more shame.
It's so fucked. But like most of the time I'm eating, I'm not like this is delicious.
It's like if I get a Domino's flat flat bread, not the flat bread whatever that crust.
Yeah, the first half I'm I don't even know I'm eating it.
No, But the last three I finally can taste it, you know, I finally because it's big enough. I gotta get the large you gotta you gotta eat one something first.
You're so youngry, you gotta.
A bunch of vegetables that you're not hungry.
I eating before meals so that I can maybe eat a little bit normally and not be so out of control, like have a decent snack that just gives me something that i'm because I always think that I'm never going to be full, Like there's never enough, Like I I there's some delusion in my mind that is my body will never.
Just be like, no, I'm good, because it is true. I'm almost never just fully.
The only time I know him full is if I'm about to throw up, Like I don't understand being like I'm good.
Ever, my stomach blow. That's the key. I blow it and I go, Okay, I'm blowed.
I can't I can't move, I can't breathe. I have trouble breathing.
That's why you got to eat slow, because then you wait, your brain's got to catch up to your stomach.
I don't know. I wish I could do it, likesking.
A cigarette like slow, Like that's not a thing.
Those down. I'm just rushing through everything to get to the next thing. I rushed through, yes, like.
The funny at part to it, Like all we're talking about is how coffee we drink, and I don't know why we do.
I've just is this related because I don't drink caffeine?
Yeah, like I drink so much caffeine. I'm insane.
I think there's something like if like a chaotic house, comfortable and chaos. And what I've learned from therapy is that I'm either comfortable being really really depressed or really really anxious and flying high and like they're not stopping and that's that steadiness in between feels like death.
Yeah, well I have that too though, like I'm dying slow. Yeah.
My therapist said that I'm my most stressed when everything's going well.
Yes, well you want to keep it well.
There's no reason why human beings should have ever felt well and safe. It is not like when we used to have to survive to live. No one, there's no comfort. There was no like just basking and like vacationing. It was always like you're either you know, being eaten or you have to find a way to eat and survive and your kids are dying and you're getting fucking raped. It's like it was just fight or fly constantly. There was never a moment in a cave person's life of like I'm gonna chill.
I love. I think even in like the last the last like one hundred and thirty years are the only time that's ever been really good.
Ever, well, it depends if you were if you were like in the aristocracy, were stumpy, you were just disgusting. You definitely had all these weird STDs that like, but you didn't know better than that, You didn't, but.
They drove you insane, Like yes, like basically like a king in the sixteen hundred, it's like had like I had a syphilitic brain, yeah, and like it was still living better than most people. Wow, but it's also insane.
Three hundred years from now, people are going to look back at our lives and be like, can you believe that people died?
Yeah, yeah, it's so weird.
Well, now phones are destroying our lives.
And I saw a thing TikTok that is probably not true, but like phones are emitting radiation and like you should not sleep with your phone next to your head, You shouldn't have it even near your face. Now I'm like holding my dog and like the phone will be next to the dog, and I'm like, God, get it away, Like so that's still that's true. I'm like going fucking nuts about it.
I think it's one.
TikTok about it.
It's ruined my life and it was some girl that I'm sure I don't agree with anything else you believed.
Listen, I'm so worried about that, finding out that we were just lied to because it was easier to get us all to use cell phones than like whatever the like landlines. I'm worried about that. I'm worried about Wi Fi, Like is it okay? Wi Fi? Yes? Let's like you know, emitting over our heads at all times.
Bluetooth the AirPods, like sending the Bluetooth waves to your god.
Oh no, well we're there's no escaping and truly, but it's better.
Than getting technology.
We're getting your like wires snagged on a door, like on your ear.
Pop getting pulled off.
Yeah. More uncomfortable than a brain tumors.
The phones too big for your pocket. Would you rather be torn apart by wolves or get a brain tumor from from watching like any video you want to watch?
Tear my tumor out if.
The want oolvate your body like how Brian neats a big cat.
Just everyone, it's just finished, all right, we gotta go.
Thank you guys so much. This is such a fun week of podcasting. Sean O'Connor, what's your.
O'conns on all social media?
Seanz s E A N O C O n z on all social media. Brian Frangie, please go watch this is your Country. That is the tim Dillon Netflix special that Brian show ran and yeah, go watch more than five minutes of it.
Watch the whole thing.
Wat it's on midnight, well two days ago, but tonight really in real life?
Hell yeah.
Andrew Colin follow him, Listen to his podcast, The Podcast.
With No No, Not that cool Andrew and co.
On Instagram. Yeah, don't forget. I'm thinking about writing on there again. It's like over there.
Yeah, and I've thought about Fred's.
And then I'm on tour a ton coming up Windsor, Ontario this Friday, which is very much near Detroit.
And then the following week is Syracu. No, that's not right.
I'm gonna be yeah, Syracuse, got it right, Hershey, Pennsylvania. And then the following week look for me. Oh, I'm gonna be in Miami for Aerostoor and Andrews's wedding.
Come on out for that, and then.
And then Fort Lauderdale at the end of October Fort Myers and and that'll be some fun shows. So go check out my tour schedule Nikki glazer dot com slash tourz. Also Oklahoma City where else we got going Tulsa, Oklahoma, Just doing an Oklahoma to so many dates, so many more air stores coming up.
We're gonna go under. I'm ready. I'm thinking about what air I'm gonna do.
Yeah, oh yeah, you're gonna what are you gonna dress?
As?
Boys?
Do it?
Get a funny shirt or something. There's like, you know, like it's me, Hi, I'm the boyfriend.
It's me.
It's like, you know, like swifty by peer pressure, you know, that's where you can everyone has like funny. There's actually a really cool shirt that is like you know, like the fake swimsuit shirts that are like painted on, but it's her like body suit.
Or that's really I saw a guy wearing. It's so funny. I'll send it to you, all right, That's what I do.
Whatever.
All right, we'll see out there. Don't be a bye. The Nicky Glazer podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Podcasts. Created and hosted by Me Nicky Glazer, co hosted by Brian Frangie, Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Hans Sonny and Noah Avior. Edited it engineered by Lean and Loaf, Video production Mark Canton, and music by Anya Marina. You can now watch full episodes of The nicki Glazer Podcast on YouTube, follow at Nikki Glazer Pod and subscribe to our channel
