#47 Inside A Moped w/ Bob Saget

Published Jun 10, 2021, 1:00 AM

Between you and Nikki, Besties are the best and an encounter that surprised Nikki when she was trying to be discreet. Andrew comes in hot, literally after getting some heat on IG. Bob Saget comes by the show and there is no shortage of "machine gun" jokes. They tell stories from the comedy scene, discuss jokes that stand the test of time, relationships, immortality and moulding their private parts. Nikki introduces a new segment called Burning Questions For Bob, where she, Andrew and Producer Noa compete to ask Bob their best question.

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Nikki guys, Yes, Nikki, Hello, how's it going out? Their besties? Oh my gosh, getting so many messages from different listeners of the show who I call my besties because I feel like I talked to you guys like my best friends, just filling you in because some people are like, stop with the bestie thing, and I think that was in the beginning. People are like, bestie makes me sick, and I'm like, I like it and we're keeping it and if you don't want to be one, you don't have to. Um, but I do talk to you guys like my best friends. And uh. Someone wrote to me and was like and just said that and was like, I honestly feel like you're my friend. Um And I said back to her, I honestly am because uh yeah, I'm not bullshitting you when I say that I'm more honest in this than I am in pretty much any aspect of my life. Whack, that's not true, but like truly, um yeah, you guys get more of me than my best friends do. At this point, I've been doing this thing where I um, hey no, uh, by the way, I've been doing this thing where um I she just waved at me. I make uh podcasts for my friends. Um. I've been doing it for years now, my best friends, and I recommend it to anyone out there who has these friends where you're like, when we see each other, it's just like no time has passed, you know, that whole thing where you don't have to talk every day, but then when you almost don't want to call them because there's so much fucking ship to catch up on. So a fun way to process your feelings. And I've talked about this before. Sometimes I'll do a podcast to like no one you know, or do a person that I might you know, I might never even hear it. I don't even think they'll hear it. But a good thing to do is I had a bunch of stuff happened in my life that all my high school friends and like these girls that I often have on girls trips, Uh who you'll hear it that when we do collection of couse you hear all their I says at the beginning of that. But um, I uh, I used. I had like a bunch of stories happened, and I was like, God, I gotta talk to every single one of them and tell them this epic tale. And it's just not gonna happen. So I decided to make a podcast about like a four partern series about my story and like knowing full well like they have families and lives and jobs. Some have jobs, but that they might have busy lives where they don't want to listen to me talk about my life where I think I'm more interesting than them because I'm like in Hollywood, which is not what I think. But I'm scared they'll think that I think that because I'm making a podcast anyway, I tell them, like, if you're bored, listen to this, I'll make it entertaining. And I make a little podcast for my friends. Um and that's just stuff I can't I would talk about on here, and I will someday when there's like, you know, more space. But um and I you know, I fashion egg the hell out of all the stuff I tell them to you guys, so you'll you'll realize that you know it all already as well. But um yeah, I like making podcasts for friends, and um and I recommend you do it for yours and just go, like, you know, if you have like a couple of girlfriends from college that you don't communicate with anymore. Just put them on an email and do an audio message on your phone when you're walking your dog and just bang and it helps you process the story that you're telling anyway, and then just send it to four friends and be like, listen if you guys, if you want to jump in on this, make a podcast episode for me. So, my best friend Catherine and I have been doing podcasts forever, and she's like, and that's how we mostly communicate, is like ten minutes we keep underneath ten minutes because just kinder that way. I can't do that on this show. And then we just send them off and uh, it's just so fun. I was even thinking about making it like a a podcast in and of itself of me and my best friend like talking about our lives, and she's talking about our marriage and having kids and like these really personal issues, and I'm like, how can I get this out there for the public and turn this into something that will I'm like, she probably has to die first, but then I wouldn't which I don't want her to die, but like if posthumously, I could be like, oh, I'll put this out. You know, Anne Frank probably wouldn't have allowed her diary to be published unless they just did it without asking, like I've always wondered, like, um, I'm sorry, I'm glad. Anne Frank wrote things in her diary that weren't humiliating. But if anyone published my diary, I mean no one would. I didn't say things like I believe humanity is good. I said things like sitting next to Ricky in class today and he had a scab on his knee that I wanted to pick, Like it's like ship. Like that was in my diary. And I probably didn't even write that my diary because the fact that I wanted to pick scabs and things like that I was very ashamed of. I thought it was really weird until I found my best friend Kristen. And Uh, one day in fourth grade, I found my best friend Kirsten because I loved picking things and not scabs so much. But you guys get it, um awards. UH didn't didn't know it at the time. Um, But one time I was walking past her desk in fourth grade and I didn't know this girl. She ended up being my best friend later on. But UM, I looked inside her desk and she had a Crayola UM box of crayons and on it had little dollops of glue. I think I've told this before on the show, and I apologize. I told on some podcast dollops of glue, and I was like, what is that bitch doing in that desk? Like whoever sits at that desk is on the same ship. I'm onto, like I want to pick glue, dried glue if that's what she's doing. And that was what she was doing, and I felt so less alone that this other person and this weird thing. And that's what the internet is now, right, Like whatever weird thing you're into, you can find other people that are into it, and it makes you feel less weird because how many Like we should do a segment on the show of like stuff you thought made you weird and you wouldn't share with anyone, and then you realized like it was very very common, or that there was a community of people. I mean, isn't that everything? I don't. I mean, people are gonna write and be like I was attracted to children. It's like not that one buddy, um, but yeah, what I mean that that's a whole other But but there are people on the internet that have that same interests as well, and it's um. One fifth of people, by the way, consume child pornography. That's a real stat one fifth of Americans general population one. It's terrifying. Listen to UH if you want, If you want some recommendations of podcasts so you have information about child sex abuse UM in the United States, and it will open your eyes and scare you. UH. Look no further than d m ng me UM. Today was a great morning. I went to Starbucks. Oh, this is embarrassing now, Okay, So my morning ritual is I used to this one. I used to be my morning ritual. I wake up and then I meditate for twenty minutes. I brush my teeth so I don't have a gross taste in my mouth. I go back to bed, I sit up straight, and I meditate for twenty minutes, and then I go and I begin my day and then I that used to be when I did them serious show every morning in New York had to be at work by ten, woke up, meditated, UH, cleaned up all the candy rappers in my bed of the things I had eaten the night before, acting like, oh I'm I'm healthy because I meditate, and then I would uh go get a latte, not eat breakfast like an idiot, and then, um, but I always felt so good about meditating the morning. Now my ritual does not include meditation, and that's good because guess what, meditation can come and go. I'm not feeling bad about not meditating because whoever started meditation? You know, meditation is not about feeling bad if you're doing it, or feeling bad if you're like doing it wrong, or even if you're not doing it. That's why I love meditation. If you don't want to meditate, it's almost like that's it. That's fine, man, It's waiting for you when you come back. It's not like the gym where you're like, I feel beautifully didn't go, So I don't meditate right now. Could use some because I'm all over the place. But uh, this morning, I woke up, pulled Luigi into bed, forced him to cuddle with me. Wasn't feeling it, but you know, um, he got into it as soon as I started whispering sweet nothings about treats into his ear. Oh, his ears just perked up. I'm sorry, let me do that was a false alarm. We went for a w okay, because I can't say walk. We went for because he's in the room. We went for a casual stroll with his leash. Even that words a buzzword. And then we went to Starbucks. As I'm walking into Starbucks and what I see This beautiful woman out front, like model esque, just gorgeous hair, gorgeous skin, and she's holding a baby, like probably a four or five month old baby. She has a toddler that's like toddling around, beautiful toeheaded kid toehad beans, like bright blonde hair right yes, and she's holding this baby to her like cheek and just like just there. It looks like they're just like you know, beat mother baby cheek and the baby is just like a little smush And it was beautiful lighting. And I like street photography a lot. I like taking pictures of strangers. I do it all the time. It's a really good indication if I'm in a good state of mental health is if I start seeing like beauty in the world and I want to take pictures, but you know, it's it's a little bit Harry taking pictures of strangers. They might see it. I have a whole system where people don't think I'm doing it. And the fun thing about street photography is you don't know what you're gonna get until you look later. It's almost like waitressing. I used to love waitressing because you never knew what the tip was going to be until after they left, and you're like, what are we gonna get? And with taking street photography, when I walk by people and I take pictures, I don't look at my phone until later because I'm doing it um like private. I'm doing it sneakily, and then later on I'll show it to them if I can, if I know them, and be like, hey, can I post this? This is beautiful? But if not, I just hope for the best and hope. And I'm gonna start a fake Instagram account because I used to do street photography all the time on my Insta Graham account. If you go back to two thousand, twelve eleven ten, like really scroll far on my Instagram, you'll see all my street photography. It's all I used to do on there, and I'm pretty damn good. I used to do subway shots. I really I think I might start a separate account for all of my street photography so that I can get away with it. Because if you. Just if you are comedian doing street photography, people go that person didn't know you're to keep a picture of them. That's an invision of privacy. But if you have an account that street photography, people are like, that's really cool. That should be in notional geographic So anyway, I took a picture of this woman and then she goes, are you Nikki? And I was like, and I had my EarPods air pods in which have noise canceling, which, by the way, you can't hear fucking jack ship with these air these new air pods with noise canceling. How do you turn the goddamn noise canceling off? I know it's on my phone, but I went an easier way. She goes, are you Nicki. I saw her mouth and I go, yes, I probably screamed it because noise canceling. Yes, and uh, she goes, I did your hair and I was like, oh my god. And she was this girl that did my hair in back in February, and she was massively pregnant with the baby that she's mushing on her face at the time. So I took this picture of this woman. I haven't even looked at the picture, yet I want to see how good it is. She was like, I don't If it's good, I'm going to send it to her and see if she wants it. But it's so funny that I was like taking a picture of this woman thinking it's the most beautiful. Oh it's pretty good. Oh my god, it's so good. And this is her staring at me. Oh my god. This is the second she caught me and goes, is this NICKI noah, look, wow, isn't that so funny? The look at the baby's face is like, literally, the baby looks like worried. She's staring at me and doesn't know that I'm taking a picture of her. Adults, great shot, thanks um so. But the funny thing is the baby. I go, look at this baby. The second it locked eyes with me, it's face turned into like the like almost the crying emoji, like the laughing crying emoji, but without the tears or like the jovial nous of it. It just its face scrunched up and was like like disgusted. It was so funny that a baby looked in my eyes and had peered discussed, And it was probably because I was wearing the new ear or the old earrings that Andrew got me, just kidding. I hadn't put them in yet. We just put up a poll on Instagram. Andrew and I were eating breakfast, and uh, he was like, put on the ear rings that I got you and I put him in and I honestly I love them. I'm kind of into them. And no, I want to talk about it with Andrew in the room. Let's get him in here. Andrew, how do you sleep last night? I slept good, Nick, I slept real good. We did get yelled at in Instagram on my Instagram, so we did the video of reach with her spoon or you did that impression, A great impression of reach with We didn't even see it on the Morning Show. Oh my god, I can't. We're watching the Morning Show, We're watching Friends, We're watching a lot of hacks. I just want to give our listeners an update of all the shows that I'm consuming and a Bachelorette. I want you guys all to get into these shows as well if you can, because we're gonna be referencing them a lot. But the Morning Show, which you thought was like a new show, I thought it came out three days ago. I thought we were onto something here, and I wrote Morning Shows is on fire or something, and everyone's like, you're three years too late. Yeah, I mean, it's ridiculous. How did you not? I mean, this whole shows it's not over. But Andrew don't even choke about me too being over. No. Um, it's a really fascinating show. I can't believe it. I thought it was probably a B minus because it has such a stellar cast that I can't couldn't believe that I wasn't hearing about it constantly if it was good. That's why I thought it was new, because right, you didn't hear about it that much. But it's so good Anniston is. It's so fun to watch the first season of Friends, where we saw Anniston emerge on the scene, and even though she had been in many things before and been a working actress for years, but to see her first thing she did in her career that we all knew of. And then besides Leprechner con and then Good Girl, that was dude, that was like two thousand six? What about it? But I'm saying, like that wasn't I'm saying lepricn was before Friends. Oh, I didn't know that Yeah, she did. Friends started probably filmed it in four but um, so, uh we're watching Friends and now we're watching Um Morning Show, which is the bookends of her kind of Sometimes when that happens, sometimes I like to think that she just grew in, like that's she became Rachel Green turned into Alex Leavey. Yeah, it's really annoys me that the two main characters of the Morning Show, the two female characters are Alex and Bradley. It's like it just seems intentional and like annoying to me. Yeah, it seems like and Corey is a primary kind of thing. No, I mean, it's just just like I think, I just I want to know she's a girl. I'm just kidding. I don't care, but I just think it was just like kind of care. Yeah, there's so many fucking things on the Morning Show. What did we get yelled at about? Well, I mean, so I did an impression of Race Witherswind's character who she's just like a monkey girl who has an ex talking to Jenny Aniston. Here do a do a do a like a TV report where there someone got stuck in a well, why don't you be um are produced? Why don't you be Corey. Okay. So there's a sinister producer character who is no, no, no, your Corey. Oh Corey, Yes, played by uh Billy krutt Up, who we then watched almost famous because we were on a crud up Like do you know who Billy krud Up is? Noah, he's so hot, he's an almost famous he played Russell and almost flammous. I put him on My story last night. This him and Kate Hudson locking eyes watching how I know him? He was a great guitarist and still water and now he's a producer and yeah, yeah, I mean he he hasn't had an illustrious career. This this uh Corey from that is the head of U t A or whatever the hell. So if you haven't watched the show, the Morning Show is about a morning show like the Today's Show. Uh you know, like what's his name from the Office? Oh my god, Steve Carell's character from the Office is actually a morning show host later on in his life is anyone else? Okay? So after after he left Scranton, um, uh, Michael Scott becomes a Matt Lower type. So it's pretty much the story of like Matt Lower, Matt Lower, if Matt Law and Katy Kirk back in the day when they did the Today Show. There's this couple that that isn't a couple. They're not dating, but they do this show for many many years, more like good Today Show. He gets me too. Overnight he's gone. He's replaced by Reese Witherspoon, who's this like sassy girl from kind of like a Fox News angle, but she's not Fox News. She's just a truth tailor out there, just like tail and the Truth and Corey the Sinister, uh you know, executive of the NBC of their Today Show is trying to get rid of Jennif Francon because she's old and needs to be put out to pasture, and he wants to bring in Reese. Well guess what. Jennifer Aniston hijacks everything and says, guess what. Resaderspoon is my new co anchor, and we're bringing her in. And I know you loved her in election. She was a sassy little high schooler then, but she grew up to be a fun anchor and and legally but she also has her she passed the bar and legally blonde, so so this is reason with her students character. She's just like and this is nothing again. First of all, everyone in there acts very well. Everyone became a news caster. Show is kind of because it's just like these archetypes of like Jennifer Ranson's like the everything. Everyone in the show for the first four episodes, by the way, is constantly in a bad mood. There's like literally not what I said it to Andrew because I was complaining because he loves the show and I was being kind of a brat about it, and I was like, everyone's everyone's in a bad mood. And then I saw you go well and then you go wait every single time. But but I was saying that he met too. It is like someone died. And then I asked you if your father my god, Andrew post this question. No, this is such an inct, very question. It's almost as good as a question that I came up with that I was really proud of. If you'd rather be two inches taller and lose a half an inch of penis or have to an inch of penis and become two inches shorter, I'd rather just die die than even fathom that. Okay, so what was your would you rather to be if you found out your dad tomorrow? Would you rather find out that your dad tomorrow was a rapist or that okay, well that died. I'll answer this like um Alex Leavi's character in um uh The Morning Show. Okay, well, here's what I'd say to that. I am a strong woman who can make up my mind, and I need whiskey to get through the day, and I really don't know my relationship with Okay, now, I'm just getting into a character study. Um Okay. Honestly, though, I would probably want my dad to die, because in both scenarios my dad is dead. In one, he keeps to keep living and I get to spend time with him. But my resentment for him if I found out he was a rapist would be so much that I would have no fun times with him if he continued to live, so I would kill him myself, I know, because then you have to live with him essentially dying in public opinion for more years at least. I mean, I just don't see my dad would be. It would literally shake my world so much. If my sweet father, who like I just know and trust, has never done anything gross with women, like I mean, besides that it kissing me on the lips until the age of twenty six when I banned it from ours. It's one of my oh my god, I don't even want to get go into my act, but that's one of my favorite jokes that I do is that I say, my dad kissed me on the lips until I was twenty six, and um, well, I do a bunch of other stuff about it, but I go, uh, I go. I I literally had to have a talk with him and go, Dad, we can't do this, and he goes, we kiss on the lips in this family, and I go, well, then why don't you do it to mom? I love that joke, but it's it's it's that wasn't lightening when I picked up the phone on air and said hey, hey Dad, and he goes, hey babe, and you laughed at me and all of our listeners left. Why do we get yelled at last night? Oh? Um, back to that. So we left the cabinet door open in the background. Oh shut up, I've never people get mad about our chord situation underneath the TV too. Yes, I'm never going to fix it people, I'm gonna open all the cabinets. I keep that cabinets open. I don't know why I do that. I think it makes me feel like our you know, I don't know, I just don't. I'm a d D. When I open a cabinet, I don't close it. And uh, where do they got yelled at by their dad? Do you remember when you were in like school? No, I know you know this too, and you would be that your teacher would erase the board and they would miss a spot or a couple of spots. They would do like a haphazard and it would just naw on my But why does it non people like in their childhood where the cabinet they didn't feel like they had enough control. They felt like there's there's moments that happened, traumatic moments that happen in your childhood that you don't even know. And it could literally not be being molested or being beaten. It could be like your mom didn't hear you when you were crying because she had noise canceling air pods on or whatever, which did we we did, but like you know, you were crying in your crib a little bit too long and that for whatever reason, and there might have been like a shadow from a bird flying by that might have spooked you as an infant in a way that that set off like a brain chemist, like your neurons fired in a way that that's trauma that you hold onto and you don't even know what it is. And so later on when you see a cabinet that's open, it makes you feel unsafe, like there's some parents were just insanely tidy about chores and they just every little thing like that. And I think a lot of times it's from kids that came from like disgusting places, and so now out anything that is disgusting reminds them of the fact that their parents were like, you can't win, and then you can't win. Honestly, you can know either of you. You know, you know the only way you can win. Having Bob sagg it. So we don't do a lot of guests around these parts, as you know. But um, we got a call and said that and I heard Bob Saga was interested in being on the show. I love Bob Saget. He's one of my dear friends. Honestly, he's one of my friends. That's a wild thing that I get to say. I truly think that he he's He's nice to everyone, and everyone feels like they're friends. With Bob saggett um, because he does have a podcast called Bob Sagett Is Here for You. And it's just that's the essence of Bob Saget is that he's like this father figure. I grew up watching Full House. I grew up just with a dad that was very much like Bob Saget in that way that's emotionally available, but it always like, just love me as much as Danny tanner Um. And then I grew up and I met Bob Saggat and he is just as wonderful, and so we're gonna bring him into the show now. Bob Saga, Hello, Hello, dear, Oh god, do I miss you when I don't see you? Well, we can't see you right now. Your your videos off? Yeah, I know it's on. I just had to hit a button and uh yeah, you get it. I mean you still haven't hit it yet, but I know everything, you know. I just want to see you. I want to see you so bad, and I don't know why you don't. Hold on, Hold on there. Bob Saga is here for us. Bob Sage Is Here for You is the name of his podcast. You know him as a comedian, actor, director, um, I know him as a friend, uh Bob sag and I'm so excited to have you on as our first official like comedian friend guest on the Nicky Gleazer Podcast. Welcome. Thank you so much. That was such a long intro. I'm going to give you an answer that as equally as long. Nicky, I love you so much. You are such a good friend. I can't believe I'm the first person on here. I want to borrow some bitcoin from you. First of all, this is Andrew Colin. I you guys have met when you've been in my studio for the Serious Show, but he is my best friend and roommate. I know. I've seen everything on Instagram and it's just it's it's more than not enough. I need more. I can't get enough of you two together. And he is the same with you and your wife. I've loved you with the quarantine content, with you guys doing the tiktoky down. She goes, I have a new dish with Peas. I go, well, I like Peas, Okay, what's your idea? And then next thing I know, I'm dancing and changing clothes and putting on a rubber mustache. I thought I was just gonna have peas. How does that go down? Bob? I want to know as the as the husband of a wife who is very active with making content for TikTok and Instagram, which is like, you gotta follow Kelly on those things. Isn't it Kelly travel? It's eat travel Rock, Eat Travel Rock is Kelly Uh? Bob Sagett's wife's Instagram account and she puts up hilarious videos and just shares good food and just like fun stuff, a great following everyone. I wouldn't know what it's like being the husband of that though, where it's like you see a shot getting set up, you know something's gonna happen. Does she warn you, like I'm gonna need you to be a part of this. Does she kind of just like set it up and then throw you into it? Are you weakending it? In a situation? She just builds everything around my corpse? How long have you been dead? Bob? Years? Emotionally it was probably right before Full House started and then, um no, I was alive during that. I'm more alive now than ever, I mean, and I believe Margene ended I triple got out of my coffin and said it's time, you know, let's let's be really me and we just got to see each other. Nickie, thanks the media. It is time to time to do to tell the Truth. Put on a mask tested just thinking about, Oh my god, that day. That was so funny. That day we were on to Tell the Truth together for one episode of back in December, and I remember there was some huge news headline and you go, how about it Supreme Court And I go yeah, and you're like right, And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. And he was like, how have you not looked at your It was something I forget. I think it was like Biden one and you were like and I was like what. I was so embarrassed to not know the news that was on the tip of your tongue backstage. Biden did not win in December, although according to some people he did and then lost in January. I don't know what to believe. It was odd that we didn't know what was going on in the world, or you didn't or I kind of did, and yet we were on a show called to Tell the Truth. That is That show is wild and uh, I love doing it because you get to be on with you get to meet new celebrities that you would never get to hang out with, and then you get to also hang out with people. I was so excited when you were on that show. I was excited to be with you because you're You're funny and you're real laugh same. I mean, I make myself laugh as well. I know you do, Bob. Were funny to hear you both lying right now we tell the truth. No, I don't believe it. This morning, Bob, I sent you what I sent my producer Noah and Andrew a clip of yours this morning because I wanted them to understand how like, what what you were like when you first started doing stand up. This was the young I'm guessing it's the Young Comedian special one that Rodney Dangerfield hosted was that it was God in Heaven. It was six and I want to say five, and it was Rodney's very first Young Comedian special with Sam Kennison and myself and Yah Cove and Louis Anderson and I had just had him on my podcast and we talked about it. Um do you get frustrated that every person you know has a podcast? Does it get exhausting? Um? You know what I am I am now at the point in my life where I can say no more like we're not doing this right. I like, I I just go. I have I have one every day. Having a podcast every day is probably why, um I have I do for a week you know, for the show. It's very That's my best excuse. You're basically doing a radio show in trunk. That's what I wanted to do. And I just don't want to have to do stand up every night to feel like I, you know, got my emotions out comedically. It's just it's it takes away me having to go to clubs every night, and I feel like I got attention and that that that you know, the whole that we're trying to fill in our soul of needing to be loved. But I are you. You're on tour though, starting now right well, I'm gonna start up the end of July as when my theater tour starts, and then I'm going to start going to clubs and working on material. I'm just you know, who knows what's going to happen. It's just I'm very excited about it. But I'm also like, what do I talk You're gonna be fine. I didn't know what to do. I mean, of course you're gonna be fine, You're ni no no, no, I'm saying I know just for myself, but I do need to hear that from me, Bob. Thank you. Well. I just went out, I guess. I started a month and a half ago, and I went to places like I opened the hard Rock Atlantic City, which is supposed to be seven thousand people, but it was like under a thousand show and it felt really fun. And then I got used to it. And then I went to Dave chappelle summer camp in Ohio, which was we got to talk about that. That was so much. Oh my god, you gotta go, you gotta go. It's just waiting for an invite, all right, I can, I can do it. I'll do a text when we're done, honestly, yeah, let's before you do the text. I want. I do want to like, well, the thing with we gotta get to the news is second. I'm going to bring you in. But there's a couple of things I wanted to share before I get to the Chappelle thing. First of all, everyone needs We're going to post it on my on our story on the Niki Layser podcast. Go watch Bob sag. It's set from this Young Comedian special that um he had posted on his Instagram over Quarantine. I was always familiar with Bob's stand up, but always like it was before I started doing stand up, before I respected the art of it. Bob, you are you watch your stand up? We watched it this morning. There I see every fucking stand up in your stand up like you influence and I'm sure you were influenced by people, but you are first of all just and that's why I love you so much, and you make me last hard because you are a joke machine. It's NonStop with you. You can't go one. Your setups are funny. But I was doing um, I was counting your laughs right after we watched it. Once, I go, that seems like a machine gun, like you know, delivery. So I started counting them and then I divided by the amount of minutes, and I took off your intro and I took off the outro and you had I think, one joke every three seconds, like it was something like one a laugh every three seconds. You were so fucking funny. That's set in nine six was so ballsy. You were saying things that were so dark. And we all know that Bob Saget was revealed to be this like dirty comic after we had known him as Danny Tanner. But like you were always this way you were, But it's not dirty, you were just you're so smart, so quick. It is. It is a stand up set that is that would stand the test of time. You should go watch it now. It's one of my favorite clips. That was not that was not my joke. That was my uncle to joke, and it was because my ex wife was five one j nuts over her. She's this tall. And then you'll hold your one of those when you said I love my mom and you can too. And twelve dollars, Nikki, when I did stand up on the road, I would build on it. I said, that's not true. She's class. I see it's twenty four dollars. You know. I'd always increase your value because it's my because that's my mom, that's your mom, Bob. You don't want to give it away from And in inflation, you know, she really she's in the crowd inflated over the years, and so did we had to give her an inflammatory. But what happened was people took that as me saying bad things. And you know, when I go back and I feel bad I did, there's jokes that I do well. I feel there were jokes that I did in a two thousand seven special, or things that were said about me on the Comedy Central Roast. I wish I could take back things. I didn't want them being said then about me, but but I couldn't do anything about it. And and you, you are the jokes that you look back on and you go that joke doesn't Why did I do? I wouldn't want to do that now? Is there anything that quiet? I mean, I don't want you to do nothing, but thousands of them. You know, there's there's thousands of jokes waiting to cancel you and the same for me, but they're not gonna. But I don't. I don't deserve cancelization because I feel bad about it. And I don't think I actually hurt anyone ever. And the people that they think I hurt are my best friends. So it's like you said this about that person and there they were a kid, I know, but they were twenty two and I'm best friends with them now and they're worried about me because you're gonna cancel me, So I'm not cancelable. I just you know, I just want to do what I do. You know me, I come from a place to love. I say the wrong thing because that's how I deal with how bad things are. But we got to be careful about how we do that, especially now because so many people. You know, the old thing of words matter is what I like to say to my wife. Uh so, how much is your mom today? I was going to do a sex joke about my my wife, but I stopped it in time, and then you brought up my mom, which is that is the thing that will stop any sex joke my mom? Yes enough. I love the way you walk out on stage on this. Can I just play this? So Rodney brings you up? Um, you could tell he loved you. Is that I felt that way? By the way, it's it's mutual and it's not bullshit. I really feel that way. So yeah, you can hear it. So here's here you are walking up the stage. I love this interest its first line. If you're a wonderful audience, you really are. I'm not just kissing up. I'm really not. I swear I'm I'm slabbering all over you is what I'm doing because I need you to like me real bad because I have no act and I have no life and I have no future. I have no act and I have no future. Well, the young Comedians special to open that way is so freaking funny and true and honest, I love it. But it really wasn't an act. It wasn't you were just saying I was just dripping without therapy. Therapy slowed me down a little bit. But when I first came to l A and I went to the comedy store in seven in eight, uh, Robin, Robin Williams came up to me, and I used to say, I have no act, I have no life, and I live in a moped, which didn't make anything. That means I didn't even have a studio apartment. You know, that's how small. But people don't even go to that step now, they just go right, hey, I own a moped. You've offended all moped. But Robin Robin came up to me, so first time I met him, he comes up, so you have no have no life and you you live in a moped. That's a bad impression. And I went, yes, that's what I said. He said, Okay, that is great. I watched the new Apple series Who Do You Think You Are? What? It's the one with Harry Harry Uh, Prince harryum oprah. It's about mental health. I really recommend it to my parents so they can understand why I am the way I am. Yeah. I really like It's one of these things where I'm like, can I buy them an Apple TV subscription and tell them to watch the second episode of the Breton Harry because it's just it makes it I think that so much. So much of the time mental health is just like why did you choose to be depressed? Just like go for a walk and just like snap out of it. Nick is so much what I heard, not because my parents weren't like they did not capable of empathy, but kind of not andthing that you have to learn. Yeah, well we had we had mental illness in our family and my sister I had a sister that was schizophrenic and uh passed away at thirty four of her brain aneurism, and she was beautiful and wonderful. And I had the other one that passed away from SPARTRMO which is harden to go the skin um and so my comedy as people died just got worse as far as death jokes and sickness jokes. And then I realized, what these jokes aren't all getting left, so I better take it easy. But when I do, my bet, maybe deal like did it make you feel like you were Maybe? Because sometimes I joke about things and they're not getting last because people are like, that's really sad what you're talking about, and you probably haven't healed from it, and we can tell you haven't dealing with it, and they can sense that we're not over it yet, and then they were not brilliant people that maybe aren't always perceived as comedians that we know who they are, and they get nominated for Emmy and Grammy Awards rightfully, and they're doing comedy, but it's more spoken word and they're they're explaining I went through this, I had cancer, my my parents did this. I was a victim of gun violence. And I just don't don't work that way. I I it's too painful. I talked that way like That's why I love a podcast. I love my podcast because I'm able to it is here for you than I was. I was on it and I had a really good time. So I love I just love talking to you. But you're right about when I was talking this morning about and just singing your praises to Andrew about like this dude, like, is the those jokes are so fat us? There's not a second wasted. And Andrew was saying, what did you say? You were like, there's some comics that, Yeah, well to build up there, like you were saying, it gives it more context and then the audience understands that you're you've dealt with it outside of the stage. Are you saying that you go like straight to the joke too quick anymore? Still do to entertain them. But right now I'm on a tour and I'm doing some clubs like what is it West Nyak Levity Live. Yeah, you're at Levity Live in West Nyak in New York Wednesday. So that's not stuff. I would go to the seller and do three shows. I want to do a full hour um or hour and a half and and really work on all the because it's all new stuff and it's all and it's more stories. But I don't like there are moments where I love no laughs and then I wait because I know how to do it now. Took me to six or five years old to figure it out, but then to to wait as long as it takes to get the laugh, because of the laugh has meaning and and then they laugh out of Oh my god, you just burst the bubble of my uncomfortable nous. I used to not be able to wait, uh and just joke joke, joke, because because it's too vulnerable to have a set up and to maybe take them to a place where they could interrupt you, or they could heckle, or you could just feel too vulnerable. I just I don't like having any room for people to heckle me or to tell me I suck or two. I just want to be That's why I talk so fast. That's why I want joke la la lf laugh, and it's um it's a defense mechanism anyways, but it's also good. I mean, you're you're doing I work that way, so it's kind of comedy. I like. Well, Roddy Dangerfield told me when I met him, and I was like twenty four at the comedy store in Lajoya. He said, just fifty minutes, man, just one after another, just machine gun it. Man, just go, and he said, doing stand up to him was like doing six minutes in Germany during World War Two when you're trying to get out and the guard at the border will let you out if you can make him laugh, and you've got six minutes. Yes, mom, it's that like a joke every ten second when you're doing an hour, like you know, get either repetitive or it's a lot of memorization. It's like it's it's a lot, you know, if you the pros can pros can figure it out. There are some one liner comics that start out and they got a good six minutes and they'll get on the Tonight Show and stuff and they can't. That doesn't last an hour. But you can't. I was saying, Wendy Leehman is someone who can do an hour of just those, like you know, I just quit smoking crack and you know, like she can do an hour of those and you and it's a fun game to play because you go, I don't know what is coming. I like to pause it and guess what she might do to divert it. Bob, your your stand up was I'm seriously truly so inspired by your stand up and how funny you are and uh and also how You've transitioned into this like more emotionally vulnerable person and a guy who's going to get me into this Chappelle camp, which, by the way, can I just say, oh yeah, oh yeah, they're doing. Dane Cook was there this past weekend. I did. I was the first one when when when it went south because there was a COVID exposure in September. I only had one night and so um, then that was it. They closed it down. There's a documentary Dave made which is being shown uh at Radio City in a week. I'm gonna go to that premiere. But then but then it stopped, and then he said, you're gonna be the Dave Chappelle said, you're the first person I'm gonna call when we start up, and damn it, I got. I got the call and I said, I'm on the plane. At first, I couldn't do it because of my schedule. He's the best in every way. And I got on the plane and then in a sudden it's it's my boyfriends. It's it's John Mayor, it's it's Jeff Ross, and I'm there and and uh and Donell's there, and it's just it's it's so I don't. I'm too I'm too overwhelmed at the idea of there. He's it's all for the right reasons, you know, and it's in a freaking horn field, and it's this thing organic and real about it. And he was saying, Michael, do you sleep. I had a hotel that you would not normally do on the road. Yeah, I get what you're saying. A microtel. You don't care cart hotel there, and you feel like kind of what I want. I want to be able to get away from everyone, because I'm not someone who wants to hang out seven with comics. Like I love a comic hang but I don't want to like sleep in the same house and wake up in the morning and have to like, you know, eat cereal with No. I don't do that. I used to do those comedy condos and then about you know, forty years ago, I said no more popcorn ceilings, and then of course I stay in like the Four Seasons with a popcorn ceiling. We're just straight for that. We got to get to the news. We're gonna do a couple of news segments before we get to our special segment that we have for you. I do want to say with the Chappelle thing. My last thing is that I was on Fallon with him. He was the first guest. I was the second, and they were like, are you okay being the second guest to Chappelle? And I was like, I can't even just make him the guest, which they ended up doing. I literally had like two minutes on air, but I did not care because it was like Chapelle, I um. But I also said to him, I go can because I was doing it on zoom I. I went through my publicist and I go, can you ask if Chappelle wants to stay on for mine? Like you know you like you would stay on the couch and you know it will be three minutes. And they were like do you know him? And I go, um, no, I mean no. But I met him at a you know, comedy sellar brunch and he was very nice to me and like I seemed to know my name, and I'm sure he's heard of me and so and we have mutual friends. And I think they floated it and then they came up. I don't actually, I don't think they asked him because they were too scared that they he wouldn't want it, because he ended up sticking around and watching my interview even though he was done with his at his ranch where he was zooming. It was so nice. People said that afterwards he was like, where's NICKI I want to tell her because he stayed on for the musical guest because it was one of his friends. And my boom fell out too. So yeah, I actually I saw that, and I saw I watched every frame very slow, and then Kelly Kelly came in. I haven't gone a new or thought about it, but but Kelly came in and she's interested also, so um okay, Well that that we'll talk about. I will say about Dave that I was watching, Uh, Michael cha who has a guest. He's a guest on my podcast on Monday. He'll be my guest. And oh great, Michael, Oh god, I love him. And so he was at Chappelle camp, and so he was at Chappelle's place and Dave kept sticking his head and promoting his podcast and it was hilarious. He is and he called the hotel that we stay at. He actually said they've changing the name of it to the Colonel Sanders Hotel because it looks like that plantation style. It is it's that bad. It is No, it's actually lovely. But Dave Chappelle can say it. Dave Chappelle can say anything like literally, you're like Dave Chappelle walked in the room, and I'm like, Dave must be annoyed by getting tired when you don't approve yourself anymore when you go and when you're a will to be around him and for a long amount of time, he's all loved. He is all loved, and that that's what comes through. And then the fact that he is one of the funny can't we gone to him and just use him as a second I No, I don't. I honestly don't want to do that at all. I want to just have a want to be the greatest facilitated though, because I want you there when you meet when you when I meet him, I want you there to vouch for me. And I also just I just need I just want you, Bob Saget, I want you to be here for me, just like your podcast. I will be and I won't be maybe physically, but all you have to say is do you like Bob Saggett, And then he'll hug you for about four minutes because we hug each other to the point where it gets uncomfortable really and I can't break it, and he gets scared that I won't break the hug. Oh I love that. So he's a he's he's a very like affectionate person with his friends, with his friends, he is about the best friend you can have. He's a sweet one. I love that. I was there with John Mayer too, So we were going to do a pre nep of some kind. There was not gonna be any any sex. And your friends with John, Yeah, he's a friend and you have the coolest friends. He is. How did you meet John Mayer? Real? Quite before we get to the news, how did you guys? Everything goes back to something dark. My dad had passed away and I was doing a benefit for score Derma and that I do every year, and he did this year, you did, and we're gonna do it. I love I will do it again for sure. I loved learning about it and UM like getting involved. And I actually did learn a lot about it and it's uh, it's something that needs our support and I'm really glad that you do those It was it was it was a joy to be asked to do it. And um, And like I said on the thing, I was like, it is one of the greatest joys of my career that I'm friends with Bob Saget like two friends. It's it's just it really is. And I say that with no um sarcasm, like it's just like you know, you're just it's just cool to call my friends. So this is my savor, my savorite foom, my favorite zoom of the year. Well, I love when I talked Dr Seuss, I, oh, he's canceled ship. Sorry. John John John Mayor got involved with the Square Derma Research Foundation and he had done a benefit for me and it was a long time ago, and I was like fifteen eighteen years ago, and uh, my dad passed away like a week before or something, and he was going through some loss, but he wanted to be there for me as a friend because we just kind of hit it off immediately. And it was one of his watches or something. No, he didn't have all those watches back then. I steal one every time I go over his house. And then we went to the Laugh Factory and he wanted to do stand up and he tried it and he had never done it before, so I was his well, well not the first time, so it was okay, good. It was subjectively difficult, and so Jamie still passed him as a as a regular, right Jamie us at the last factory, who determines who gets on? I would think, yeah, but John Mayor is funny, and that he's really funny, really funny, and his new music is insane. I mean I actually have one of those. I have the new album and a couple of them have been hits already on this album because they hadn't been released except but one new song, which no, that's that's amazing. He just did that, you know the night on Kimmel. But there's another one. Um, I'll remember. He's one of the best ever. He's one of the best guitarists and nicest voice, but he's he's also a genuine person. And Jeff Ross was there, who's also your friend, you know, he's yeah. I mean, these are all people that I love and we'll get along with. So okay, so I'll go. I'll go to the camp. I'm invited. Now we'll wait. No, I'm not. Let's get to the news, but it will be I'll do it in ten years and get arrested for trespassing. Will be great, Andrew? What what what news that? Let's get to the news, Andrew your first. Oh, and I hope you have any time out there and having all the swells. Uh. Only thirty three percent of Americans would take an immortality pill, and men are more likely to take it than women. Uh okay, yeah that makes sense. I was really wondering, what what if someone gave you a pill that I could live forever? Would I take it? And and what age would you pick? Oh? So you stop aging? Yeah? I thought you would take it now and just like be as you know, so like if you're in your seventies, A lot of people in your seventies pick like forty two thirty seven. Right now, I feel like I'm in my best I'm in my prime. I feel good, I feel like I've done the work. I feel happy, I feel like attractive. I feel like my body is not failing me yet. Um and uh. And I would actually not not take it because I don't want to live forever, because it's something I think the world is going to end pretty soon, like in the next fifteen years, and I don't want to be walking around a barren wasteland by myself for the rest of it. And would you take it? Will? They say in the Motorcycle's Guide to the Galaxy of the Secret to Life is forty two. So I probably would have taken it then, but I was having a rough time. I got divorced then, so I don't want to repeat that. But that doesn't mean you're going to repeat your actions. But I mean it does. Actually, there's no free will, okay, So it's that way. Okay. So but if it's like a wonderful life where you go back and see what good you meant to the world, then maybe it doesn't. You live your life. You don't take the damn pill unless there's complete peace on earth and all the wires and horrible people and tortures online are gone. I'd take it right away because then I'd go, Wow, it's gonna be goodness and beauty forever. But that ain't happening. So I think that ain't happening. But do I stay erect if I take it? Yeah, okay, you can be erected the whole time you got up. I just meant sitting up right, Oh okay, I wreck Well, I'll berect no matter what how old would you? How old would you be? That would be the perfect Bob want to know how old are you now? Bomb? I can't believe it, Nikki, I'm sixty five years old. I can't you you look amazing. I can't like that. I have a paper clip on the back of my neck holding it together, and all my lower stuff I had my foopa removed. Um, what age physically for your body was when you go? That was the best? Like where? But before? What was the age where you go? Things are starting to fall apart because I think I am starting to hit that age where like you you trip and then like your foot moves a work weird way and now you're injury. Well it's funny because Dana Carvey has a bit that everybody stole when he had a joke about being fifty when he turned fifty, and he said, you know, I broke my arm, how I picked up the phone? You know? My back? I broke my back, how I sat up? You know, I I got up you know, And it's that it's a common premise, but Dana Carvey has actually been a source for a lot of original material that people have just borrowed. But it's true. At fifty. There are things that happened to you, but I don't have those problems. I guess in my late thirties I was probably in the best. I had like a four pack at that time. Yeah, but an eight track at a four pack. Yes, that's a woman's name, but I do it. You can't can't say that you can get canceled that you can You can't say that because she's non binary and you should have plates. Is I like a woman who is binary, because I mean she likes any number. But but I don't know. It doesn't mean anything. Sometimes you just say something and yeah, every joke for me ends the way an avenger lands on the ground at the end of their flight, where they land with one knee up, And it has to be has to do with the c G I of it all. It has to run it backwards or forwards, but they land. You are someone who takes risks when you you say things sometimes and I go, I don't even know, And but sometimes you hit a bull's eye And sometimes it's just funny at how it makes like inside of open does not make any goddamn sense. Living automoped does in is a weird choice of words for a yes, um, I love it. I wonder why women are more likely to not want to live because our lives are worse? Is that accurate? More women would not want more women people in Texas? So that's the thing is everybody always goes, I heard what's yours? I heard, Oh, that's what the joke that I'm going to use forever when that you just said it reminds you of your own joke. I read this thing and like you said a fact and you go, that's true. I read it, and you go, I wrote it down and then I read it, but I read it. That is so funny where we're at, that joke has become reality. Anybody, you need to bring that back. Will you put that joke back in your like, take all the jokes. People don't know that your crowd that's coming to see you know, I don't like this idea of how we have to always have new material. That stuff has not been seen. And now you are such a better comic than you even were then and you can add more to it. You need to go back and re rehash all those jokes. We need to see those and you know why, because people are gonna steal those jokes not knowing because parallel thought, and you need to be like I was there first, and and and get him out there again. Seinfeld did a whole special of his best jokes. But I had a joke that I did once on The Tonight Show and then um, it was in Newsweek as a cartoon two weeks later, no without crediting me, of course, because it was common thought. And then Johnny Carson did it three weeks later because one of his writers probably said it because they forgot that I was a guest saying the joke. It was when they put kids on the milk cartons and I said, they have just Paul Newman is on salad dressing. This is a long time ago. I said, does that mean he's missing? And that was a joke. But then there's two more parts to it. Then Chiff Bear d he must be gone for like twenty five years, and that and then this is the real punch. But that guy on the Quaker oats box, I don't think we're ever going to see him again. That was because the Quaker look of a guy. It's so funny. Come out saying what a good joke that was. No, it's I love the layers to it, and again it goes to an absurd place where you go, I don't even know, but that, of course it makes sense. You were not going to see that guy again. He's been long gone. But it's because milk curtains. And that started by a friend of mine who passed away. They were doing a TV movie called Adam and they went to Washington and they lobbied because they had a friend that had couldn't have lost their child. It was missed. The child was missing, and they lobbied and got children's pictures on the milk cartons. They did that in their life and they live so that that's what happens. When you do a joke like that, you're going, well, what's the root of that joke? And you oh, God, that's the red of it, And so you make comedians do light of it because it's so tragic. That's how we pross those painful things people get. I'm doing material about molestation, like big chunks of it on my upcoming special and tour, and I haven't been molested, so it's a little bit like, why do you get to talk about this? But do you think it should subject yourself to that? So you could at least be honest. I mean I am open. I'm going to therapy right now and trying to have a therapist like like plant it into my psyche. You know how they do that sometimes where they like make you feel like you've been mustling and they you alienate, they alienate you from your family so that he can charge you a lot, which has happened to me before. But no, I um, I just feel like anyone that could get upset about I'm not going to not talk about something because it's not like happened to me. And I don't have this like green like like I have three daughters, right and I mean talking about and we do and it is one of the most horrific things on this earth. And if if you know, a lot of us go hey, cancel. Culture is too much. And but when it comes to something like a woman's right and they're being violated by guys, because that's how guys have been since the beginning of time, uh, that there's I relish that we're able. I don't use relish, but I relish that we're able to we're able to stop and put it out there. More so, if if all the material you're doing is obviously, and it is. It's it's pro if you've been molested, it's not your fault, and like, here's the here's a bright side of it, and it's about and it's just about I don't care if it is pro or whatever. It is the fact that I just even can say the word, like you can't you shouldn't do rape jokes. And I've said this a million times on my podcast, but I just get defensive of it because I think we as comedians should make light of terrible things because it gets us talking about them, even if it's making light of it, and it's like you shouldn't make light of the serious thing. At least I'm saying the word molestation and putting it out there so that people that have been molested feel less alone. The thing that happened to them is being talked about publicly. Because when we say we put sanctions on things where you go, you can't make jokes about that. It's helping the people, it's helping the molesters, because if you keep a hush hush taboo thing over a whole uh like, over something that could happen to so many people and does happen constantly to so many people. You the abusers win. They win because they get to still work in this world where we just don't talk about that, and they get to keep doing it because the victims feel like I can't talk about it. I can't joke about it. You can do whatever you want about people should talk about it. Those people that harm people, especially women, should be put away and they should be stopped. And when you're able to talk about it's the truth I got. I got too many women in my life that I care about and never Oh, it's nice for me to say, it's so so kind. I get you're just like a hero for saying that should be put away, and the award for most anti molestation goes. But I mean, anything that upsets us the most. Some people don't want to joke about it. And I respect that they don't even want to talk about it. They want to get that they wanted to have about you, and it triggers you. Pizza, you know, but they don't even want to talk about things that would upset someone. Religion. How many people choke on pizza here? Those numbers don't think. I wasn't thinking of a penis joke just to said pizza, right, out. I definitely have seen people leave the room when I've brought up abortion, miscarriage, all these uncomfortable topics that might trigger someone. And I go, you know what, that girl might go and cry in the bathroom. And I hope that she writes to me and I get to have a private conversation with her about private conversation would be great rather than getting an attack online. Someone thinks and you don't get to represent what your truth is, which is I care a lot. I'm not whatever you read from some moron. And also, look, there's been so many jokes. I mean, we both love Sarah Silverman, and she did so many jokes over the years that dealt with things that are incredibly painful. And then she publicly said on our podcast that she's also not unlike myself. There's a lot of stuff she said that she would not say today, and she I would, yeah, responsible, I mean this stuff said. Do you want to hear that? I would like to retract. Listen, I agree with you say stuff all the time. It's uh, it's I always just think if it maybe if I triggered one girl because and I'm talking about rape and she has to go to the bathroom and maybe it ruins her night. I know that that's a terrible fallout for making fun of something that happened to her or making light of it seemingly as she perceived it, because it's her perception and she's entitled to her feelings. However, I would not do that joke if I didn't think that the good it could actually do is more than the pain it caused that one person. And I always and maybe I'm wrong, but I don't. I don't. I always consider that that, yeah, I might be triggering individual people who have been molested and maybe don't want to hear about that right now in their night out, and um, trigger, I should maybe do a trigger warning before my shows, but um, because that is a real thing and they can't help that they're having like a visceral PTSD response just hearing about it. But I do think the good about me talking about these subjects and what I've learned from my research about them through comedy, UH is going to do more good than that one or two people that might be sad and I but they are also entitled to their feelings. Next story, All right, can we go to UH? Why do I care? This is our showbiz segment, and we just try to find meaning out of a dumb showbiz headline. Why do I care? Why do I carry? Andrew Paris Hillen said that it felt pretty scary when she once got an offer to make sex dolls just like her. So the big, the big answer, the big question is how much did you make? Listen? I would definitely if I love when porn stars have like molds of their vaginas where you're like, you could fun this porn starts like, okay, well that's cool. I wouldn't have a problem making a sex toll for myself if my like or like a sex uh like, like a mold of my lower half for someone I was in love with to funk if they were like on location, Like if I was dating someone that I like had to be out of the seas, I go bring my butt with you. That would be hilarious. Want to get a mold, punch him in the legs? You know, yeah you can, yeah, but what if what if your director comes over and says I just wanted to go over something, or your costumer comes to your room and then all of a sudden they see this. You know, wait a minute, it's him. But I also wanted a mold of ex boyfriends like I've always was like I'm going on the road. It would be so fun to like have phone sex and actually like have a mold of like what exactly your penis is? And just like for fun, I wanted a stuffed animal of it. I just like like, um, and I wouldn't. I would be flattered to someone want to do a sex to all of me because there are people that jerk off to me, like and that I don't know that I put up a picture and they hold on a second, my screen is gonna go blank for a minute. Penis for your wife? Bom would I? Um? No? I I would not. And also I feel bad that I misunderstood because I had this crazy scenario that word rubber comes into your room and sees your legs and your vagina and then that would upset your boyfriend. Does none of it makes sense? That none of it does make sense. The only thing that makes sense about it now that I think about it is instead of cheating, someone comes to your room thinking they're going to have their hit on you and do something wrong. You don't need me. I've got a replication of myself in rubber there you go take with you and I'm out of the equation, right? Would you be offended as a man if your girlfriend was like a famous person that guys one have sex with, and she could monetize her vagina by putting out a mold as like a like like say you're dating me the comedian Nicki Glazer, and as a bit where I can make a lot of money. I go, baby, can we please? I want to do this thing where they make a mold of my vagina and like these pervy dudes can like say they fucked me and it's just it's for a bit. Would you would that annoy you as a man? You would upset me to no end. And I think it's a really good idea for merch And it sounds like you have a lot more money than me, Bob no I with my bank account. I would make the mold myself. I would let them fuck you. Well, you know what I'm gonna do, because you guys are so great, I'm gonna make a mold of my lower parts. And Nikki, you get me. I just want your feet, know you get the feet, but the other half, lower parts, I want your asshole. But that's what You're not the first person that said that, because I don't need dairy. So it's really quite it's quite clean. It's taught, it's I taught it all. Lot I can, I can flag late in any key. Um, I crown my asshole has perfect pitch fashion. Okay, Bob, let's get to our segment, our special guest segment for Bob Saget. And let me just tell you, Bob, we're keeping this segment titled this for every future guest, So let's get to it. This is Burning Questions for Bob All. This is Burning Questions for Bob with Bob Sagett, our first guest for our segment called Burning Questions with for Bob. This is where we get to ask It's a competition of sorts. Noah, my producer, Andrew, my co host, and myself have all picked out one question that we think will be the the most, the best question to ask Bob Saget, the most, the thing that people want to know that will excite people, and we're gonna have a competition to see who asked the best question. I think Bob should be the one to judge after we've gone through it all and to see which question was you know whatever best means to you, Bob in this scenario. So um, I want to say, this whole segment is very triggering for me. Okay, you have to pick a winner. I can't do that. I feel bad for the other people. All right, Bob, let's start and think against Chappelle. I should get with the wind this, you know what I mean. I think it's only you can win this, and you're getting my butt hole. So that's true. We are getting a molded. I really do want a little like almost as a coaster for how big do you think his asshole is? But we go bigger, we we we this sent well, I don't know. Well, this is first a Red Bull Cans coaster for red Bull cans. That is just Bob, That's how I designed it. I'm using red Bull cans because I got a monster. Oh my god, my asshole goes crazy if I drink this sugar free RedBull. First question, Andrew, burning question? What is your burning question for Bob? Try I gotta go first. I don't know if it's good to go first, but I think you've probably been asked this before, probably, But so that's kind of already eliminating myself. But when you did Entourage, right, you were you were seeing a casual fan of yours would know you from obviously from uh funniest home videos and and uh, well I was gonna if I said home improvement, I probably would have lost behind. You could have said, yeah, no, he does things around the house, he does home improvements. Anyways, when you decided to take that role, because for me and Entourage, did your agent or manager go, hey, I don't know if you should do this. You're gonna be fucking hookers and doing drugs in this. They said that. When I took the role on Full House, they were but like, what is that a big deal for you to go, hey, you know what, I'm gonna show that I'm not the squeaky clean guy and there. Did you already have enough money or I don't know know, because I've been the stand up that I've been since I was fourteen years old seventeen years old, so I already was doing the Full House thing and the American's Funny Some videos as a gift that I was doing family television. So it's just called a different speed. It's just a different thing you do. I've done plays on Broadway where I played a priest, you know, uh, not all of them priests every play I do. I only play a priest. But but yeah, Doug Ellen contacted me and said he knew my stand up and said, we want you to be on the show. And then they wrote it differently. They wrote it where I was more like a Don Trodden guy. Uh, like a bow Jack horseman kind of guy. And that's not who I am. And some people think that, by the way, that that's based on me. And I talked to but will our Nett said, well, I know, because they're idiots. And will our Neette said, I don't know what you're talking about. You you're nothing like me and you're not bo Jack. Don't worry about it, don't listen to it. So that's that is so funny. But it's all rumors and I'm just I guess being no press is good press, dude, that's really true. Yeah, it's true though. Don't you believe that's true. He cuts people's feet off and each of them. That's not good press. You know that. Oh I didn't know that. I only I didn't do that. I just I started it today, that new rumor. But Okaya Oh, I see, I thought, I'm like that show took it to No. No, I was just talking about myself, right. I was like, horse, don't even have that kind of mouth, and you do have to cut up your it is. It is an amazing show, by the way, great great show, but no it's not basically because the guy's a loser and sad and all that stuff. And anyway that what Doug Allen said to me is what do you want to do? And I'll play it if I can be like a ballsy, badass guy. And then he wrote that and that's what I did like four or five times on the show. And I had a lot of fun. You know. It's just but that show couldn't get made now and I wouldn't act the way I acted, which was quite misogynistic. But it was Phoebus was a character, and it was yourself, your name. That's why I want to That's why I asked a question, because you know, being your name, obviously people connected it. Oh this is how really Bob? I mean, he's awesome. Well, we know how smart people are, so they they really well and they always going to go to is that Anthony Hopkins these people because he played that in the movie, so you know, and now he's Hannibal Elector. He was Handibal Elector. Now he's the father. So he has you know, alzheimerzard dementia, which means that he's still Hannibal Elector to some people. But he just forgot who he ate. And then is he really a cannibal anymore? If you don't remember, I think you are. I think you are. Okay, you ate somebody set them free? Okay, yeah, ok what Bob Sag is just always tying it up in a bow that you go, yeah, that'll work. That's why I played That's why I played Danny Tanner, because everything's like, it's gonna be okay, honey, ms Uncle Jesse's to save your problem. I know, No, you are, Bob. You're gonna come into my bedroom and and and give me a hug and talk to me about my feelings and music will start playing and you'll help me process my feelings and know that it's okay to cry. And then you're not there. You're on the road and it's just your rubber of vagina and late and Steamless is already fucking it. So well, then then I run. I videotape it on my phone and I basically hold him ransom, you know, Oh my god, you yeah, I'm Nikki. I'm just gonna make a Tanner jokast. I always related to Stephanie Tanner, but I was like, I'm I'm Stephanie self Tanner because my fee right now, Oh my god, it's just like stripes of orange. Okay, Bob, second burning question, I will I will do mine, Bob. Who you don't need to name names, but you can just tell us, um what you witnessed? What's my mother? And I can't believe it? And it was a sheet? Okay, noh your questions up? Now? What was the most egregious abuse of power you witnessed that you can talk about from a celebrity who you may have thought good things about before you met them, and then you go, oh my god, what a monster? I just want to can't. Yeah, you have to do like those you know, James Cordon bits where you have to either drink the hot sauce or you don't have to say who this is. I just want to see a behavior of a celebrity you witnessed, where you go, whoa that person is? Not what I thought or that's not what I want to be famous. I can't say who it was, but it was, it was scary and it was it was not what I expected. And uh and the person has, uh I believe been met with justice for that kind of behavior. Oh good, because you know a lot of people I know and everybody, but O J that's so funny. I um yeah, I just so I I witnessed things sometimes that I'm just like, oh God, you don't or you hear stories and you go, I just want more people to understand that that person isn't what they claim to be, and like, how do they get away with that? How do they keep working when they treat people like that behind the scenes, which behind the scenes is really in front of hundreds of people, like you know that all signed n d A s. But you know, things leak and you find out who someone's really is. Um. I just wanted to ask you that because I also have witnessed. It's nice to hear that they've been brought to justice, because I've heard about stories about people and they haven't been brought to justice and I'm not the one to do it, and you feel kind of like what do I do? And you just kind of wait, you know, until and then you breathe a sigh of relief when it finally shows up in the headlines. But it's a it's a tricky it's a tricky thing because you people go, we're even watching the Morning Show right now, and it's about a guy that got me too, and everyone's like, who knew it? And it's like a lot of people but like, you're gonna get fired if you We've we've talked about me. I know you have a time limit on your show. But it's really strange, UM, because I used to go on the Today Show quite a bit. Obviously it's based on that The Morning Show. And I'm just gonna be honest. I always got along well with Matt Loward. We had a television relationship and and there's a scene in that show where they celebrate his fiftieth birthday. Um, and that's a big scene. I'm not giving a spoiler alert, they celebrate it. So I this is really strange. When Matt Loward turned fifty, I was there the day after they had a birthday party for him because he wanted to talk about what's it like to turn fifty and he had he had myself and he had on um oh god uh. He owns the Atlanta Mark Cuban Cuban and he had on Scott Hamilton's The Skater and the three of us talking about what it's like to be fifty. Um, and you did that classic bit about picking up the phone and breaking your arm. No, I didn't do Dana's Big pretty much. I think just did two minutes of prosnate material and everyone stared at me. But what was interesting was I was watching the Morning Show and oh my god, if this is anywhere near what it's supposed to be based on, I was there that day, that day after that party on the on air. I haven't seen that episode yet, but I'm intrigued to hear the one that you're talking about. And I roasted Matt Lauer. I don't like roast, right, and you've done a lot of them, and you're amazing at them. You've been roasted roast on Comedy Central, and some of the gen Z believe that's the news, that that is the news. You know, what someone says about you is real, because otherwise they wouldn't joke about it, which means they don't know anything about anything. Because it's just the opposite. It's it's it's disturb you. But what happened was I roasted Matt Lauer and this was obviously pre all the stuff that came out. And if I had known all that stuff, I would have had an extra forty minutes of material. I wouldn't have done it. If any of that had come out, the rose wouldn't have happen. And you know, it would have saved me a trip to New York and making fun of you know, Al Roker who accidentally flast related in his pants once. Oh my god, that was so funny. I will say, though, you're right about that, Bob, where people take those roast as news because there was a someone got canceled or was trying someone was about you know, they were making an effort to cancel someone in an article and they used one of my roast jokes about this person as like factual evidence of like see there's a history, Nikki knew he was a predator, And I'm like, I was just writing a fucking roast, you know, like this isn't you can't quote a Comedy Central roast in a news article, but you can't. And it was just fell same dirty they came to me and it's weird because they go, oh, it's true, because Bob was laughing at it. The truth of it is when they did my roast, and I believe you were in elementary school when they did mine. But it's um, it's actually behind me on the wall. There there you go, there's the roast up there on the wall. Yeah. What happened was, Um, I was sitting there and Greg Giralda, the late great Greg Giralda, who I loved so much. They started the roast Joe Gallan's directing, producing, and I'm right, and I'm there. He actually benefit he Oh my gosh, he just did the I heart rewards that I did. And I love You're the only You're very good in around. Um, I didn't mean that in comedic situation. Right, you were talking about my upcoming. Let's talking about many men. Oh my god, you please. You don't know how much I think about that. All right, one nicky forty cups is the name of it. I believe. But what happened was about to end my story, which I'm talking too long. You shouldn't have me. I should have been your last. But you're great, Okay, you're better. But here, the thing is, I'm sitting there. Greg Giraldo says that I look like the lastic pickles stork with my beak, my beaky nose and my granny glasses, and I'm just in shock and I'm not laughing. I'm not smiling, and Joe Gallant over the p A goes Bob, trying to make it look like you're having a good time. Oh my god, that's hilarious, and so then I start smiling and that's what and that's why you laughed at the one joke, and then that confirms that it must be true. Yeah, true, I laughed. Well, it's interesting that you weren't laughing, because that is a huge part of those rows, is that you you start getting hurt so badly and you forget that you're on camera and that it's essential for you to laugh. And it's hurting people that don't care about it's hurting. It really is. It's it's not fun. I don't know if I could do it again. Honestly, I enjoyed the ones that aren't televised. That was the idea of them is they weren't supposed to be the club and the masters in the fifties, I guess, but I I roasted Jack black Uh for the Friars Club and that goes for charities, and it was two thousand people of the Hilton, New York. And I always felt bad for what a joke I did about Al Roker, who was there, and he spoke and he was wonderful. But it was right around the time where he was so brave to come out and talk about what happens if you can't control your vowels, and he'd had an accident, so I said, as the host, if anybody has to go to the bathroom, please use Al Roker's pants. Hilarious, So you know that he loved that. He was amazing. He came up to me and he went Bob, I went out, I'm sorry, it just happened. It's three days old this news. I said, Okay, to hug you or real stuff come out. And that's and I've since been on his show. I mean, he is one of the sweetest people on the earth. Yeah, he seems like it. I love I love Al Roker. Okay, no, let's round us out, Bob Burning questions for Bob with Bob Sagett, What is your burden? Question? Noah. My burning question is I'm going to assume that you slid into your wife's d ms Kelly of E Travel rock Um, and I would like to know what was the line that got her to respond, You're you're very sweet. That was an easy Google nor one too, that was that's really there's an article about it that I slid in, which sounds horrific. That's so crude. But what happened was we had to do it. I actually saw her. I was on a debt dating site Riah for a moment. The only person they patched me up with was Courtney Love. And so because I put my real age and I didn't lie, and I was out of relationships and I was just sad, and so I had a Jack come on right, I've been on there for fucking ten years. I think, no judgment here, no right, But I love it. Yeah, I was on it literally for two months. But I was on there. It was just depressing music of me, just like in the Woods by myself. It just looked like a joke. It was like Jack Handy. That is so funny because if people don't know on Ryan, you need to pick a song and then you pick all these pictures and your photos like you know, fade into one another like this, like like a funeral slide show for someone. And for Bob to pick a sad song with just him in the woods is so funny. Left me alone. And then but I had been matched up with this person, Kelly Rizzo, and I looked at her and she was you know, she was a producer of segments. She'd been on a lot of TV shows. And then I let you click on someone's Instagram and she's just a decent, good person from Chicago. And then I went, well, she's in media. So I I contacted Rokan, who was a radio and television person in Chicago, and I said, do you know Kelly Rizzo? He said yeah, I said she nice. He said she's a great gal. I said, well, I'm not matching up whether because she probably wants someone that's younger and um, not me with depressing music and and he said, and the fact in the woods and scheme by myself on the slopes and this is where they got bow Jack from that that would have made sense. So that was just depressed over relationship, not ever being a drunken husband, but m and a horse. But what happened? Was she um? He asked her, is it okay if Bob saget? I asked permission? May I send her a direct message on Instagram? And she said sure, that'd be okay. What does he want? And he said, well, I have a feeling that he would like He likes you, but he doesn't know you, so he just wanted to know. And so I My line to answer your question from four hundred minutes ago was was, um, uh, hey, it's Bob Roe gave me. I said it was okay to direct message you, which means nikky. I asked for permission. It wasn't like I did anything stocky or weird, but it still felt weird. Nothing about this is weird even if you didn't ask it. It's funny you combined old school with new school, Like you match with her on right, you could have wrote a message there. No, I didn't match because I met she did not have her age limits set to what you are. Because she's a younger lady. She's she is, yeah, but she should tell her fucking body, well, she's pretty great. When we're done here, I'm making a mold but um yeah. But what happened is then I just direct message or something like, hey, if you're ever in l A, I'll buy you twenty five hamburgers because she's quite a foodie, and or I'll buy you five lobsters. I was like, I assumed that she ate like fat bastard. Apparently I don't know what I was doing offering immense amounts of food. And I said, I hope this isn't weird, you know, I I'm sorry if this was. But Rose said it was cool. And then she said, well, in fact, I'll be in l A in like two weeks. And then she had her entourage of people or producer of stuff she was filming, and someone else. So I went to dinner with your nights in a row with her friends and nothing, really nothing. There was one kiss, an awkward kiss, at the end of one evening, and I thought, well, this isn't happening, and that's cool because I don't. I'd never been a predator. I've been people have thought that I've been because that's the swaggery image that I put out because I was single. I've been divorced for my first wife for twenty three years or something, and so um. Then I she said, are you coming dinner tomorrow night. I went, well, I don't think so, because I thought there was something going on maybe and I but I don't believe me. If there's any I'm happy to be your friend, which I never really said with earnestness, Um, but I meant it, and that that meant I'm growing up. And I was in therapy trying to figure out how to treat people better and treat myself better and not several things. Just because you didn't get rejected, I didn't get rejected. She was nice as hell. So then I said, well, I'm not gonna go because I don't think you feel that way about me. And it's cool. She said, what if I do feel that way about you? And I said what times? What time's dinner? Oh? Yes, that's so cute. And then and then we didn't. Then we have not been apart since that was Oh my god, right away. Our first date was in Las Vegas a couple of weeks later, and uh it was. It was really fun. It was hilariously funny. And then we went to Absence. You gotta go see that show. If you're on a date, um, you bring your torso yeah, it's and and then we I don't know what we did. We well, we went to uh Excess at the at the Encore, at the wind I don't know. And she's like, but we're in the d J booth. We can't see anything. And I said, just wait a second. And then all of a sudden, Tea Paint said come on up here, Bob, and then the hydraulics started. We got to watch Sodom and Gomorrah, you know, we got to watch the End of the World. But, um, I love that story. I feel like, I don't know, I'm gonna call I. I like Noah's question the best it got. Yeah, I mean it's cheating that because he's not going to go against his wife? What do you mean to go against? Yeah? I don't know why I'm choosing. I just like, yeah, Bob, what this question was your favorite? Um? The one that I the one that I answered with the least amount of time, And I don't know if it's possible to clock the shortest answer. Can you just ask me something really quick and I'll answer with yes, you're no, and that will be like cheese. Sometimes that's my favorite question. Okay, there we go, there we haven't that will always round out our burning questions for Bob is do you like cheese? And and and sometimes he does uh. And that's why his asshole is going to be available in coasters very soon because he's he sometimes enjoys Darry. Now let's move into the final thought. Bob Sage, thank you so much for being with us. You can go see Bob seget live, which you know I can't recommend enough. Um right now, I mean he is going to be in Uh. Let's see where you are everywhere dot com Tuesday Wednesday, Levety live in New York. You can see Bob Segont, but he's all over the place Bob Saga dot com and make sure to subscribe to Bob Saget is here for you his podcast, and follow his wife Kelly Eat Travel Rock on Instagram and you'll see lots of Bob content there. Thank you guys so much for being with us today. Um, thank you Bob our first guest. All right, guys, we will see you tomorrow for our final show of the week, and I'm gonna go cut some cheese sometimes in a mop. Let's pick a different edit point for the album perfect. We love you. Thanks Bob, Thank you, Kay Okay kick

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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