#369 Barren on The Brain, A Wedding Fight & Comedians "Running The Light"

Published Aug 23, 2023, 11:00 PM

Nikki shares some highlights from the baby book she's reading that's triggering everyone in her BFF group chat. Brian has a positive mattress update that may finally get him a good night's rest. The truth comes out as Nikki confesses to a faux fight at Brian's wedding sparking a convo about humor that falls flat. Nikki and Brian have an unbreakable bond after getting into a heated debate about free will and Sam Harris. Nikki has a couple of questions to ask the room. The first is about a gift idea she has that some people might not be into. The second is about comedians running the light at a comedy club after witnessing an outrageous case of stage time abuse.

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The Nicky Gliser Podcast.

Niki Glaser, here's Nicky.

Hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's the Nicky Glazer Podcast. I'm Nicki Glazer. I'm still in Los Angeles, California. Brian Frangie is also in La not in the same place as me. Anya's here, Noah's here. It's a beautiful day, no hurricane. Nothing else to report. Really, just got a coffee. I'm reading a book that Brian got me called The Baby Decision.

Thank you, Brian.

Oh yeah, I've been wanting to hear more about.

This, have you.

If you look at the girls chat, I have screenshots of pages already shared that's triggering everyone.

Oh my gosh, so only us energy?

Oh really?

Okay, Yeah, Curson went to a raiki healer this weekend and got and had a lot of like cool insight into that stuff.

But this Baby Decision book.

So, Brian, you got this book because you were also you had heard of it.

Or yeah, I bought the book. I don't know why how I came up with this book. It must have been reviews or no one recommended this book to me. In fact, I think people no one mentioned this book to me. I just ever told you I was reading. People told me not to read it. They said, you read this, problems are going to happen in your life, Florida's what they said.

Yeah.

I think around last year I bought that book because I was like, I don't know, I'm feeling really stressed out about this and I just want to read a book that helps me come to more confidence in my decision making.

And I never read it. So book. Yeah, there's a lot.

I'm like, because it says if you've been having trouble making decision, you've read all the articles.

I'm like, it's so.

Funny that people used to make decisions based off like an article I read in Parents Weekly when there's really a book that can help you that's this big.

It's a thick book.

You know, it's probably an inch thick, you guys, for those of you not watching this, And yeah, I did read articles.

The person who wrote that book actually has a group that they have. They have many articles and they also bring people in and have like a workshop where they bring people in live to make this decision together. Oh wow, like a therapist sort of like a therapist that specializes in making a decision about having children.

Brian told me that it was a good book because it's it's warmly empathetic and wide ranging manual. So it gives you the pros and cons, so it doesn't side with either way. Like this woman's not trying to get you to like not have a baby or to have a baby, and she just she gives you, like the beginning of it. First of all, the beginning, I could you could skip the first forty pages because it's about what you're going to expect in the book, what to expect when you're expecting reading this book, other book, every other non every gift for read stop. So yeah, and then you get to things and it's kind of asking you to do a lot of visualization of like imagine being pregnant, Imagine breastfeeding, Imagine your husband not helping at all. Imagine getting divorced and having a baby. What that will look like like, Imagine every fall. Imagine your baby is this? Imagine your baby is uh not this? It's And so I'm like, how is this book that's just page forty three?

How am I?

I'm asking me all the way down, I'm enjoying your screenshots.

I just saw these.

Can I just quickly show the YouTube viewer a Nikki Glaser's screenshot. Here's a normal It's just part of a book highlighted and then we moved that.

Actually, that's it. That's totally normal because I'm minding you the whole book. I'm telling you, because I made a little sentence to read.

You're getting defensive too fast what I'm saying, Guys, I love.

I love this commentary. Dear God, no, youar God no? And then the other one is like, what did I say on the other.

One, this one especially, did you mean this?

Or well, let me agree to you those screenshots that I already did. Okay, So the first one is just the greatest. It's just makes it everything like it says everything pretty much that I've always felt. And this is what I'm boggled by is that I think most people don't ask themselves these questions at all. They don't even think about it. And that is I found is my biggest thing about that. I've been talking about the podcast where why do people want kids? And why do people have kids? I don't get it. My real problem is why don't people think about having kids a little bit more before they do it? And here's another thing, before I get started rant commenced, Okay, I don't want to hear how hard it is. I don't want to hear how it was so much harder than you thought it would be.

You know why, because everything you hear is that it's harder than you Everyone says that.

So imagine how hard you think it is, and then imagine it's harder than that. So does every time someone says that it exponentially grows. No, it's harder than what I imagined it would be harder. Being harder than that's that I it's always gonna be harder I do. I am You're allowed to complain. Please don't take this the wrong way that if I think you have kids, you can't say anything because you chose that. That is not what I'm saying. I complain about my life. I chose all the damn time. But don't be surprised when you're not sleeping.

Don't be surprised when your nipples hurt. Don't be surprised. Don't be surprised by it. Don't I don't understand this.

I think there's something really funny about the fact that literally I've been hearing since I was able to hear words and process sentences from adults that having a baby and raising kids is way harder than you think it's gonna be. Everyone's heard this their whole lives, so why are people entering into it thinking it's actually gonna be easier then the thing that no one has ever said it's easier than you think. Literally zero people, maybe Nick Cannon, but other than that, no one gets off easier with childhood.

So stop this, And I just that's the thing.

But I want to reiterate, if you do have kids ran over, you can complain about them all you want. In fact, my sister never complains about being a mom, and I go over and I'm like, well, you just complain a little bit because this sucks. And I want to hear you let some of this out because I know you signed because she's always like, I signed up for this, and I'm gonna go I understand that, but this is really ridiculous and it still sucks, and you can still bitch about things you signed up for, but the surprise over it or trying to get other people to feel sorry for you because you go, man, it's just way worse than I thought it would be. Not interesting. We've been hearing it since we were four, don't care. I knew what the age of four. I didn't want kids because I heard people saying that shit about me that they were raising rant over you don't.

Like an interesting take or a non unique take, Yeah.

I guess that's it.

It's just it's the most could take ever because it's been said a million times, and I don't get people still saying it's harder than you think it would be. I guess people are probably listening to this going, well, she doesn't get that even what she imagines being hard, it's harder than that, and it's harder than the so it probably is. I probably would be a hypocrite if I had kids and say, you know what, I take it back, it is harder than I imagined it would be once I even added hardness to what I thought it would be.

Well, come on, we can imagine a little bit more. I mean, just just imagine that it's harder than that.

That's what I'm saying.

Like when I hear about whenever I'm on a treadmill and I'm doing a workout where I kind of want to die, and usually I'm only at that level for about thirty seconds and then I take it down. I don't like force myself to do that much anymore, but when I do, I always remember the Seal team. Like the like people in the Navy Seals say that whenever you're ready to die, your body is capable of seventeen times more that seventeen times.

Dam So if you think him that I was thinking about when you're working out, yeah.

Because I go, I want to go, and I go, you could do this for seventeen more times, and you think you're about to pass out right now? Seventeen more, bitch, And I don't do it, but I just go. I know I'm I'm capable of more.

When I have a kid, I'm gonna imagine that the kid is going to like pull out a semi automatic rifle and start shooting up the house, and he's gonna like to be give a billing acid all over the years. They might he's gonna he's gonna try to kill me every single day.

And then I have the kid, and I'll be like, you know what, it's not as hard as I thought it'd be.

Yes, It's like my friend Gabe.

Thought he'd be shooting me. Yeah, my friend.

Gabe, Kia you said a joke that he was he got like busted for dealing drugs in college and to tell his mom he got a felony, right, and he was like, he told his mom, He's like, mom, I got a.

And she goes for what.

He goes rape and she goes no, and he goes just kiddingdrugs, Mom, drugs And she was like, oh my god, she's happy about it now. So yeah, just make it the worst thing ever. That's what I would imagine too, is like I think this book probably is trying to get you to do that.

Imagine do you still want it?

If it could be it could go the horrible way. So here's the quote that I loved. So people are kind of she's lamenting in the book in the beginning on behalf of people who say, this is such a tough decision. Why is this so tough for me?

You know?

I think people go, if it's tough, then I should just not have kids, because why is this so tough?

You should just know?

And I think they're also comparing themselves to women like I do, who are just I've always.

Known I want to ma amana, And that really sultry tone that they say it really and you.

Go, oh, because your mom wasn't really around and you had to raise your sisters.

So that's probably why, because you're forced to do that's snarky, jealous.

Okay, so it says, why is this decision so difficult? My clients and workshop attendees, moan, are we the wishy, washiest people on the planet?

Wow, they say, moan.

She says, moan, wouldn't most normal wouldn't most normal reasonable people have decided by now I answer their question with a question of my own. Do you want this job which I am about to offer you? Listen carefully. If you accept it, you will have to do it for twenty years. Before you commit. You are not allowed to try it out or even meet your boss or coworker. Consequently, you may have no idea if you will like the job or the person, nor will you know until you start if you will love or hate it. During the three months of your apprenticeship, you will endure sleepless nights, twenty four hour shifts seven days a week. Sound good so far, but wait, there's so much more. For this grueling job. You will not receive a salary. In fact, you have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to do it. Oh, and also there's no clause for quitting at least not for the first eighteen years. Are you grabbing the contract pen in hand and pulling your partner over to the desk to sign up right away? So that may sound like she's on the side of don't have kids, what she's trying to do here is not that, because she goes on to make a bunch of reasons for having kids. What she's trying to say is like, don't be mad at yourself for thinking this is a hard decision, because these are the questions.

People should ask themselves, and.

They don't at all, because our society just like forces kids onto people. It's just the thing you do next, And I don't think people give it that much thought. And then this is the one that I said, this one especially so it said this exercise helps you consider career sacrifices that parenthood made demand. Imagine that a colleague moves ahead of you in some way simply because you can't work as hard now that you're involved with your child. Perhaps he or she is promoted first, even though you are more qualified. How would you feel about this? How would you react? My blood started simmering when I was reading this. Well, by the end of it, I was like, one hundred percent not okay. Why Well, I was actually talking to Chris about this because we were talking about amazing female medians who are like the best in the business right now and like are on the top of their game in the same way that male comedy legends are, and we couldn't really think of many. And my answer to that was, and we could think of some, but they have fallen off working in recent times, even though they are still of working age, they just don't produce as much now. And the answer every single time, I mean I don't know them private lives, is that they had kids not too long ago. And aside from you know, Ali Wong is still producing a ton of stuff. And there are exceptions to this, Tina Fey, there's always going to be a couple where you go, Okay, I think it'll happen to Whitney. No, she's insane, she's pregnant in terms of like she's just a.

What about Sarah Silverman, she doesn't have kids. Sarah Silivan is a reverse example because she kind of like uh Waned a little bit when in the time when she would have had kids, but she didn't have them.

That's true. Yeah, I guess that's a good point.

It could be totally a random thing that I'm seeing this causality of like kids equals less work. Because you're right, like, there's not only Sarah Silman, there's others. I can think of two that and me. I mean, my career goes in ebbs and flows, and it has nothing to do with if I'm busy with something else in my life. It's really like the business liking how toned my facial skin is probably eventually is when I'm going to lose work.

Also, you just get tired. I mean you're just like, you know what, I've been busting my ass for five years. Then you kind of get into this. I'm going to slow down a little bit, just for not me.

I don't think I'm ever going to do that. I don't ever want to, Like I No, I don't see that happening for me. I just and even if I had a kid, I would find a way to stay relevant because of this. But the fact that something it might you know what it would take away from me. Guitar lessons, singing lessons. Those things would be the first to go for one hundred percent, no questions asked, Like I'm not gonna have time to like noodle on the guitar when there's like a baby screaming in the next room. And yes, I could get a nanny, but I don't even feel good having like being at my house when my maid is there cleaning because I feel bad like I should be picking up because she's there. Do you ever have that when you have someone over doing a thing for you and you go, I want to leave because I don't I feel like I should be helping her sweep.

Oh yeah, well my cleaning lady comes, I leave for the entire day. I also, that's right her. I don't want her. I don't want to get in the way of her doing her job. I think it's more comfortable for her too, to just be like have free rein in the house and be able to, you know, knock out her blankets wherever she wants.

When people used to judge hang out when I would babysit, it would sucks so much.

Get the fuck out.

If you're a parent that like hangs out, like listen, I would probably do it because I'd want to just work from home. You know w w f H, which we've all started saying, which I didn't get that acronym note till recently. But I would probably do it so the hypocrite, but just know that I would tell my I would tell my babysitter like, I'm not watching you do whatever you want, eat our snacks, have fun, let the kids watch TV like you'd be as like I would not be like, don't be different because I'm around. I'm gonna let you be as shitty of a babysitter as I was because I wasn't shitty. I just let the kids watch TV when they wanted, not all the time, but more than Probably the parents wanted to them too, because guess what, I was babysitting kids that parents worked in TV.

I'm like, this is good for them. They're learning about your job.

Right.

If I if I was a babysitter and then the parent told me what you just said, I would one think it's a trap.

Well that's what everyone thinks when I tell them like I don't care if my boyfriend makes out with other girls, that's a trap. And I'm like, okay, well test me. Then let's see if it's a trap. Because you have my word on the nanny cam telling you to sit around eat my snacks. That's where I discovered seaweed sacks. They were the seaweed sacks were not around twenty five years or twenty years ago, two thousand and no, those two fifteen years ago, they were not around. But I first discovered them at the Appatos house, which is where I babysat.

But I was. I was good to those kids because you know, it's the fucking Appatos and you can, you can totally. I'm to blame for how great they are and everything they do. Do they remember you? Uh maud did?

I doubt Iris would because she was like four. Now she's nineteen and she's in the newest music video for the number one Billboard song right now, Olivia Robert.

She's best friends with Olivia.

Yeah, they're so cute, Like what a girl gang.

They're all so cute to put all your girlfriends in your music video when you're nineteen.

Let's be dream mine.

Okay, one more from this book and then we got to go because this one is crazy.

This is one I wrote, Dear God, no.

Okay, okay, picture this is called okay. I don't even know to give it the title picture a perfectly healthy newborn with a touch of jaundice. I had jarndice by the way, I was like incubated for a bit. His eyes and skin are slightly yellow, and like most newborns, he's covered all over with fuzzy hair. His head has been misshapened by the trip through the birth canal. Now consider the following description, and this is like indented, so it's like pulled from another piece of literature. I saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open. It breathed odd and a convulsive motion agitated its limbs. His yellow skin scarcely covered to the work of muscles and otteries beneath. His hair was of a lustrous black and flowing. Does the quote above refer to a baby, well, yes and no. It comes from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. While it supposedly describes a monster, literary critic Ellen Moore's in Literary Women insists that Shelley was really talking about the horrors of motherhood. She wrote Frankenstein during her third pregnancy at the age of eighteen, after her firstborn child had died. Pregnant women often dream about monsters. In some dreams, the monster is clearly the dreamer's baby has.

Woman is trying to encourage people.

No, I swear to God, there's these I'm highlighting the things that have stuck out to me to like that. Really, she's helping me make the decision. I mean, this stuff is hitting home for me. So I promise you, like Noah wants kids, Noah, this isn't Is this dissuading you? Do you give a fuck if people get promoted over you?

Do you give a fuck? If your baby kind of gives you monster dreams? Do you give a fuck? If no, it's twenty years with no pay.

I think at this point in my life, at this age, that stuff doesn't bother me. If I would have been like in my twenties, it definitely would have bothered me.

But that's why I didn't have kids of my twenties. That's a good point.

Well, that's the beauty of the book. That's how you know it's working.

So you're reading the book and your highlighting passages that are against having a baby. If Noah read the book, she would find the passages that are pro baby to be more resident with.

Her, right, Yes, Well, well I guess it's like we just yeah, Well, I was just gonna say, we kind of tend towards looking at like an echo chamber, where it's something that that is what we want to hear.

Yeah, and Brand's writ in that, and that's what this is. That's exactly what this is for.

Like this is trying to encourage you so you can have a great decision and have all the reasoning behind it, which has been the theme of this podcast now for like three weeks, which so many people have sent me messages by the way of like why they had kids, or why they think people have kids, or why they want kids and don't have them yet.

And I have so many good dms that are like I could write a book.

I think at the end of all of this, Like I think something might come of this bigger, make a movie or something about being childless, which, by the way, I bought a I think I may have talked about this before. I bought a sweatshirt that says childless because it was from and I really liked it because I want to be I'm proud that I'm childless and I don't think that's like a bad thing. But all these comments in the Instagram post for the sweatshirt, not the one I posted. I didn't post it yet, but in the ad for it, people are like, this should say child free because women who don't want kids they're free children, and I'm like, and women who are childless seem like they're like, I don't have one and I want one. Childless is supposed to be for women who want one, and I go, no, I'm childless because I don't want one. Therefore, it's not my fault that I don't have a kid. It's as if I'm barren in my brain.

Do you know what I mean?

Like a kid could really improve my life, but I am also childless because I don't the same way some people's bodies can't have one for whatever reason. My brain can't have one. And maybe I do want one in my heart, but my brain won't let me. So isn't that am I allowed to say I'm barren in the brain a little bit?

My heart needs don't fuck your brain. My heart needs to fuck my brain.

Oh you said my brain doesn't, but my heart does.

It feels like it needs to rape my brain because my brain doesn't want it. So okay, well, the hearts that's what it wants. The heart, what's what it wants and you can't say no. Okay, Well we'll be right back after my heart rapes my brain.

If anybody has a wants to write a book called the Mattress Decision, I'll read it.

Because I'm having a lot of trouble. Why don't they have a book for that? Oh?

I Well, the temper pedic attack has now been thwarted, thankfully, and I was able to return my current mattress.

It has not been picked up yet.

And I have Now I'm now getting a new temper pedic mattress that's more basic, like a medium hybrid, that's less expensive, like a two thousand dollars less expensive.

So I'm hoping that does the trick.

If that doesn't work, then I'm going to begin sifting through the hundreds of dms I got from besties recommending different mattresses. All the dms almost made it more difficult to make the decision because everyone's try this mattress, this is the best mattress, Try this mattress, thiss and like I trust all of you, I trust all of you that you think that that's the best mattress, and I believe you. But I just don't know which one of those is. Insact, That's where I'm at right now. Yeah, I mean everyone, I believe I'm so I envy these people because all these besties who have found their mattress. I believe It's like if I was single and I saw people getting married and I'd envy them.

Yeah, it is like that. I want you get Yes, we all did.

I envy the people who found a mattress. That's going the last and for at least.

Your wedding was triggering for many people, especially one girl who had just gotten into a fake fight with her boyfriend and was sitting in the row three that I didn't know was a fight.

Did I tell you guys this, are you talking about yourself? Myself on girl's chet? Yeah? OK, yeah, this is incredible. This is fucking insane.

Well, I told Brian later, so everyone here knows about it, but the listener doesn't.

One of the funniest things I've ever seen.

I'm headed to Brian's wedding with my boyfriend Chris, and we are walking to the wedding, and so we're getting ready in our little cabin and it's kind of frantic to get ready because we stayed in the hot tub too long and I'm blow dragging my hair and I had to like steam my dress. That is like, it's just there's a lot to do, and Chris is like slowly getting ready, and every time I turn around from blow dragging my hair, he looks like cuter and cuter, and I keep commenting on it. I'm like, you look so handsome, and he's not really giving it back. But that's fine because he's distracted with his thing and I don't look cute yet. Like I'll say the one thing about Chris convey he will not give me compliments unless it's real. Like, just because I say he looks cute, he's not gonna say it back. So I get the truth from him, and well, okay, no, it's no. I actually appreciate it because if he just said it all the time, I'd be like, oh yeah, yeah yeah. But when he says it really means a lot to me, and he says it a lot. Let me just make that very clear. He's very into the way I look and I feel it all the time. But I was feeling a little insecure this day. Probably I hadn't spray to hand in a while. I was on my period, I believe. And we're getting so I finally get dressed and I put on my like these boots and I'm like, oh, and I uh.

We start walking.

We exit the cabin right outside in the front steps, and it's there's hail everywhere because it's just hailed like fucking crazy. The ground is white. It looks like it's just all like flower petals everywhere. And I say, you look so cute. And he's stuffing his face with a donut because he's just trying to like quickly like finish eating donuts before we go the ceremonies, like a snack, like you know, donuts, and he's eating them, and I go, is it the the powderned ones? Chocolate I had bought? I think they were chocolate because I bought him for him at the gas station. Even though you can pose for me because they're too I can't stop eating them and I don't want them, but I always get them because my boyfriend kind of forgets to eat a lot. So I had these donuts. He ate them, and I said to him, and as it's leaving my mouth, I realize, don't do this. Do you ever have that where you like are talking and as it's coming out, You're like, I shouldn't even finished the sentence, but it's feeling really good, and I know it's wrong, like it it was.

You know, it's like word possessions.

What they say, Yeah, would you say?

I call it being possessed? Like it's not me in there. Yes, I'm possessed by a demon. That's how it felt.

And I said, that's like, are you gonna say I look cute? Are you going to say I look cute?

And I hated myself instantly for it. So I once I realized now having looked back on this moment, let me just kind of tell you what was going through my head in that moment. I was so embarrassed of what I had just said, like asking him, because I know that whatever he gives me is not going to feel good because I've just asked for it. So I've just already defeated the purpose of what I want. I know he's gonna feel annoyed that I asked, So I'm in bear. I just know that it was the wrong thing to say, and I'm so humiliated I said it right, so desperate, not even not said the right tone, And so my mind is in a position of picturing whatever comes out of his mouth is going to be really fucking mad at me and annoyed. Because guess who's mad at me and annoyed? I am, so I now am looking. My worldview has shifted to whatever he's gonna do, he's pissed. There's no other way to interpret it. He could have smiled and been like laughed, and I would have been like, he's mad, because that's just so how I felt about myself and I realized that now. So what he decided to do in the moment was have an exaggerated, like mad response, like almost like a fake husband screaming at his wife like a joke.

So he stuffed the doughnut in his mouth and it was like, I told you to look fucking great all the time.

And it's like Bill Burr flying out of his mouth like so exaggerated it was insane, right, So he stuffs in his mouth and he goes he said. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I know it had the word fuck in it, which he never cusses at me, like it's it would be. That's an insane He's never yelled at me, like Chris doesn't yell at me, like there's no verbal abuse happening in our relationship at all over ten years and emotional once you know, no, but that was early on from both of us, light dusting in the beginning of our relationship on both sides, emotionally but verbally from the the powder doughnut. It's not powder but chocolate, but let's imagine it's spewing out in a comic fashion. It like almost hits me in the face, and he's also cussing. And from my interpretation, this is just my boyfriend has now turned into a monster. Like I you know, women talk about like this moment where they get married and suddenly their boyfriend starts hitting them or their husband is now like it comes out of nowhere where they just.

You've heard these stories translucent skin and black float.

Christenstein. And so I was like, oh my god, this is it. Like he's changed, Like there's maybe this weekend he got really comfortable with me never leaving him or something. Maybe I said something that gave him this like reassurance that now he can abuse me this way. And I was shook, Like I didn't say anything. I just was like I was because he screamed and then the Genra is spewing from his face in a very comedic fashion, and I am like, just but you're.

Relaying it as that what I'm not seeing it. I'm comedic.

I was almost because I was like, it was so ridiculous, but I'm not laughing, no, But I'm also like, that was so unlike him to like talk with his mouth open it and then scream, which he's never done, and cuss all things that I'm just like, Okay, well, this relationship's literally over. I will not be with someone who talks to me this way. And now I have to go to Brian's wedding and sit next to this person. And I'm not going to make this about me and like start crying in the bathroom or break up with my boyfriend at my friend's wedding. So I go to the wedding and we walked to it and I say. He then swallows the donut that is in his mouth, and he goes, fine, he goes, he goes seriously, Nikki, and now it's like calm down to like his normal tone, and he goes, do you think I've gone three hours in our whole relationship without telling you how good you look? And I go and I just quietly was like, I'm sorry, I know you're right, and I was just like abused woman, quiet like. But he didn't notice because he's like, we're trying to get to the wedding. He didn't notice that.

I'm like.

Shell shocked woman. Tone right, I'm thinking that I just want I hate him right now. I don't know who this person is. I want to get through this day and I want to leave, and it's a long road before we leave. We have a reception to sit through. I have to like smile and like it's going to be hell so god.

Like spirally frozen.

I think in the moment you were even like it is so out of character. It almost was like he was doing a bit. But he he was.

Mouth yes, the like in a in a Homer Simpson way funny cartoon, I said, cartoonish And by the way, I do.

That with Ali.

Yes, sometimes I'll do something like that. I'll just pretend like we're an abusive relationship and yellow before.

Yes, Chris and I have done it before.

We do it in a New York accent, though usually like a Jersey accent of like.

Why would you fucking do this? Johnny? Like I do that kind of thing.

I am at your wedding spiraling and like crying because I see what true love looks like and it's not what I have. Clearly I thought I did, But now this boyfriend, I'm like, I will never unsee what he just did to me. There's literally nothing that will ever excuse it. You know, when you have those moments where you go nothing could There's no thing he could say that will ever make me look at him the same way again, until I finally.

Days later, my god, So I talked it.

Away and I was like, I'll just have to bring it up when we go to a couple therapy, right, like, I can't. This is not something I'm gonna be able to talk about on our own because he didn't even seem to really notice it. Because usually let me just also say this, if Chris and I get into an argument, which is usually never never involved screaming or yelling, we're weird for a while, Like it's just not comfortable with us. We're a little we don't touch each other, we're not like we can't really fake it around people. We used to be able to, we don't anymore, Like we more stick to like what's going on. We'll literally say to people we go to dinner with, we're like not doing well right now, Like we've said that before because we don't fake it if things aren't good, which is good, But the whole reception, everything's fine with this guy. He's touching my leg, he's putting his arm around me. This makes me think even more he's fucking crazy, like he just did something, he snapped and now he's even going off book for our fight mode, you know, like he's he's now this guy that can like yell at his wife and then just act like everything's okay. Like this guy has lost it, you know, maybe elevation, sickness.

I don't know what's going on.

So he's really nice. The whole night, we have a good time dancing. I kind of put it out of my head. I try to have a good time dancing and having a good time the reception, But in the back of my head, I'm like, my relationship's over. This kind of sucks. This is the last night of this because I have to like it. Not it's not over, but it's like this is gonna take so long to repair the damage that was done tonight. So two days later, we're walking to into a restaurant and we're actually like arm in arm and he's like, so, I'm like starting to pack up my stuff.

To move in.

And I go okay, and he's like, so we're doing this right, Like you want me to move in right. I go, there's one thing I need to bring up before you move in, and he's like.

Okay.

And we're walking into the restaurant when we're approaching the hostess stand and I go, when you yelled at me in Colorado on the way to Brian's wedding, I just I don't know who that was, and it's I still can't get over it.

And he goes, what I didn't yell at you?

And I just stopped on a dime and I go, we're not doing this, and I go, We're going back outside because we're gonna start.

I'm gonna start yelling.

If you tried to tell me that wasn't yelling at me, like I thought, at least he would know exactly what I was talking about.

Right, Like, he screamed at me and donut flew out his face.

So I I go, oh, I'm being gas lit, and you're gonna tell me that wasn't yelling at me. I literally go. I looked at the hostess and I go, we'll be right back. And I took him and I swung him around because we're locked in arms, and we went back outside, and I go, you yelled at me at Brian's wedding. Now I'm yelling right. And he's like, what, I go, doughnut was spewing out of your face. And he goes, that was a joke. And I go, what He's like, that was a joke.

I would never talk to you that way, like I was doing like our Dolorous bit where I go, Dolores, why'd you park that? Like I go, that's our Jersey couple bit that we haven't done in a while.

But I'm like, huh, we didn't say, Dolores.

No, And and like here's the truth.

I think he was annoyed at my thing, which is one hundred percent valid because I was annoyed at it.

And I think it was.

A way to communicate and like an annoyance without committing to it really and doing a character I don't think he meant to. He did not mean to scold me or hurt me the way he did at all, because that's just not in him, but.

It it was.

Do you ever have that moment where you go, there's no way I'll ever forgive this person, and then they come up with the thing that is the only way you forgive them.

I was it was like someone.

Took off a gigantic mountain backpack, like one of the ones that goes down to your like half down your legs like that when you're climbing Everest.

Like, yeah, one of those. It was.

I was because I was like, I put it out of my head for a little bit, because when things like that happened to me that are traumatic, either good or bad. Sometimes when I meet a famous person, I forget about it. This is a new thing that's happening to me too, where I have excitement in amnesia and I forget meeting people or having like run ins with celebrities that mean a lot to me. And then I'll meet them again and say, oh, nice to meet you, and they go, I met you. I did with Larry David I think I talked about on the show. But it's happened a couple times since then with people. But I also have amnesia for really like awful things like that, and I'll put it away until it's ready, And so I tucked it away, but man, I.

Almost like cried. I was like, that was a joke.

I was like, first of all, don't let jokes go until I laugh at them, Like, make sure I know it's a joke. It's so annoying because I'm a comedian and Chris is really funny and this happens to us a lot where he will make jokes and I won't know he's joking, and it's a thing that happens to me as a comedian that first of all, I can't take jokes like other people in terms of like if you make fun of me, I will take it. I'm very very sensitive, but I should be. I dole it out all the time. So there's this like obviously hypocritical.

Thing about me in that way. And I also don't understand jokes.

I don't think people are making jokes constantly like for me, there's a place.

For jokes, and I don't. Brian did it to me yesterday. He had me going for like two minutes about it. God accept me.

I kept exaggerating and exaggerating again, just waiting.

For you to laugh.

So this is not just Chris that has dealt with this, Like, I think it was as obvious as that Brian, what Chris had done, and that to me was not obvious at all. Like I almost hold a little autistic because nothing about that was different from the way you normally talk. Or I just couldn't. I couldn't tell the difference. So tell them what happened.

To be fair, I do have a very dry delivery, and I frequently get that, like, I didn't realize you were joking, So it's not just you both.

Is this the Barbie thing? Thank god you're talking about, Yes, the Barbie thing.

So our other friend hasn't seen the Barbie movie yet, and she was saying that I don't want to go see it because I'm definitely gonna be let down because everyone's talking it up so much and saying how good it is and how fun it is. And then Nicky was like, it is good, it is fun, and she's like, well, now I'm not going to I'm gonna be disappointed no matter what. So then I go, well, I actually have several groups of friends who said it was the worst movie they've ever seen. They said it was too woke and too preachy and it made them physically ill to sit through the movie. And then NICKI was like, what, what the fuck? Who are these people? And I'm like, yes. Several of them got up and walked out in the middle of the film and asked for their money back, and then.

She's like what what? Who are these people?

They wait to the alley and started spontaneously vomiting because they were so disturbed.

They would they A couple of them said they would rather eat shit than watch.

Oh yeah, ever again.

One friend said, I would rather take a shit in my hand and eat it than watch one more second of the Barbie movie?

Is this a friend I know of yours? Because I know a lot Brian and I have a lot of friends in come in, So I go, if this was Rob Stern, this sucks because I love Rob Stern and I cannot be friends with someone who talked this way about the Barbie movie, like they sound insane. And so Brian was going on and on and I everyone in the room.

There was two other girls in the room. They knew he was joking, and they often don't know he's joking. They don't know Brian as well as I do. And so a lot of times I'm the one that's like he's joking, but this time I was just that's this is what the same mood I was in the other that time that happened with Chris, Like I just miss the joke and I wish I could go back because that night was kind of stolen from me.

So you need to get remarried so I can. But I did.

I will say that there was this moment of like thinking my relationship was over and then watching yours and I go, well, that's what I want, you know, Like it gave me like it was almost like a good timing of it where it was like, Okay, don't give up, and your whole vows were about like finding Ali when you had kind of given up, and so I was already I was already like thinking of like I have to start over now, I have to put myself back out there and hope I found someone that's more compatible for me, that doesn't yell at me. Ten years into our relationship one time, and thank god, it was a joke, and Chris was horrified that I didn't get it, like he felt really misunderstood, which is another thing in our relationship.

He films up.

Yes, I think probably yeah, because he just realized this whole night his girlfriend was like thinking that you were breaking up, Like he felt like he looked at the whole weekend and was having that like lashback of like, well that wasn't real. You weren't happy then, And the truth was no, I was in turmoil, you know, And so I.

Think he how to get out of my apartment.

And I was thinking about the summer rolls that we were about to eat, and I was like, okay, so now I know you're joking. Now just say I'm sorry you felt that way, which is my big thing. It's like, if you don't mean to hurt someone's feelings, it doesn't matter if you meant to or not.

You know, I don't believe in free will.

Brian certainly does, because yesterday we argued about it for literally an hour and a half in front of these two girls that we're talking about, and they honestly could file like Workmen's comp for the torture of listening to this debate. They are they were. They didn't say a word the whole time. It was I wish this debate was like for we could go out there for like, I mean, a bonus pod.

I was, I, I understand you were getting you were getting frustrated. You said, you're getting frustrated. I like debating for almost like the joy of the debate me too, just to have.

The philosophical because I felt like afterwards, because it did get it got a little screamy, but in a way that's like the way I scream, which is like, no, Brian, like you don't see like it wasn't like I was mad at you. There were times I was a little mad because I just felt like, why can't you get this? You're smart? But it's because that's my fault.

I didn't explain it right, but because there is no like there's no argument it does there is no free will. There's like no, that's my other thing is like, right, well, it is true. It's like veganism. The two things I feel right about are veganism and no free will. Other other than that, I'm pretty much wrong about everything, including wanting to not be a mother.

So but I will.

Say that afterwards I felt closer to you, Like now, I feel like that is how I all.

That is really how I bond with people.

Because I felt like as we were arguing and it was going on for literally ninety minutes. You guys, non stop, one subject in one room. Ninety minutes, Probably wouldn't you say, Brian.

Yeah, no, it was ninety minutes.

It was crazy.

So I felt during it at some points this is gonna this might be bad for us, because I don't I've heard before that I come on really strong and that this can push people away. But because you were engaged the whole time and didn't seem to give up, I go, let's just keep going. Let's like, I don't know, I'm not ready to give up. And so but by the end of it, I was like, I have no animosity to do or tim, I'm not carrying this around, Like God, why doesn't he get it? We did not agree on any We agreed on a couple points, but like most points, did not agree. I do not feel satisfied that I did a good job of the debate because we walked away feeling the same way.

Nothing was accomplished in that way.

But and two people were very annoyed to the point where they never want to be around me again.

So because thinking you learned something like, neither of you are like, Okay, she had a.

Good point, he had a good point, No, I don't think.

So what I walked away from we found some common ground and we were searching for we were trying to search for the thing that we agree on, and mostly we're trying to starch for what is the fundamental thing we disagree on, because we don't even know really what that is.

We've had it.

I was searching for it.

He kept saying, what's really upset me? Was like, but this doesn't matter to me. I don't care. And I go, oh, so you don't care about you thing. You've argued for ninety minutes, So you just wasted my fucking time.

Like I didn't say fuck, but maybe I did. And but I so you.

Fucking fucking.

Vegan donut.

I will say though that I I do think that debating makes me feel closer to people like I really like. And it doesn't mean that we have to agree at the end. It doesn't mean like fighting and not. It wasn't fighting. And I sound like my parents right now because my whole entire childhood, I would say stop fighting, and they'd.

Go, we are arguing where not fighting? You know?

Like that was always my first stand up joke I ever wrote, was in like fifth grade because my parents would say, we're not fighting.

I at least thought of it.

I didn't think of it like this is a stand up joke, but it was my first thing that I look back on and I go, oh, that was kind of a bit. Was my parents used to say, we're not fighting, We're having a discussion. And in my head, I was like, well, when we have discussions in my fourth class about you know where the red fern grows, missus Stiffler doesn't throw a chair and scream fuck you, ea ja or whatever. You know what I was saying, because it was like they always would say they discuss things, and I'm like, well, I think you're screaming at each other and nothing's getting resolved. So I do come from a family of screamers and debaters.

But I liked it.

I just wanted to So I just wanted to share something because I relate to you in the way that in my previous relationships, I used to bond with my partner through arguing, and in my household, that's how we used to show emotions towards each other. It was like through argument and there was never a resolution. But in this current relationship, we can't bond over arguing, we bond over the discussion that we have after. So now what we do is if we have a fight, we're not allowed to hug at the end. And that's like for my request because I don't wantative reinforce negative reinforcement, right, but I don't want to receive the affection because my love language is physical touch after we have a argument fight, because then my brain is like, ooh, are you a good hugging and kissing?

That's interesting?

Well what if it's the hugging and kissing after the result? Like does it?

Can it be like we're fighting and then we discuss and then there's a hug. No, we have to walk away from it, and then we can hug it.

Out smart no later It's really wow, what is like really in tune with stuff that's so smart?

I will say that I'd never feel closer to someone debating romantically like I feel much closer to Brian, Like he is someone that can like really hang with me in terms of because I like debating and I don't think a lot of my girlfriends do. And I think it's a masculine trait that I have and it's nice to be able to do that with a friend and not have any ill will afterwards. I mean it could be. I mean maybe you had some. I don't want to mean to speak for both of us, but I felt like none afterwards. I felt like almost cathartic and like, oh, we just had like a bonding sash.

And yeah, I mean we have to.

We agreed on the We agreed on the ground rules of what we were doing intrinsically without discussing tacitly without discussing it, which is that this is a debate for fun, and if at any point one of us is truly feeling upset or attacked, then it needs to end. But that never happened. Yeah, that's what you got to go into debates like that. It was like for you know, some people do, like there is debate club, you know in school, Like some people do debate as a hobby.

You'd probably it's fun. I have family.

I really think I want to do it. Feel intimacy after fighting. I don't mind a debate, but I do not like an insult in that. Like, I'm good up until if there's any implication that I'm a fool or dumb or any criticism of me, I'm out I'm just like I'm done. Like I was in a debate with I'm in this group and we talk about race issues and I disagreed about something someone was saying and they were like, I'm really disappointed in you. That's like such a Basically.

I kept saying to Brian, you're smarter than this. I was exactly using that. I'm sorry, Brian, if I made you feel stupid, that's a no. No, I mean, that's.

That's that's not it's the fallacy that you can't use during a debate. But like I think, I think during our debate, what I really appreciated was that they were we were very self aware during the debate, where like sometimes you would say like I am feeling frustrated because I can't figure out the thing that can't get you to understand this, and I would and then at one point I was like, the thing I want to do right now is attack Sam Harris personally, but I know that that's wrong. So it's kind of like it was also self awareness that.

Look at this guy. I look at this guy and he showed me a picture and I was like, that's not he was like in another picture of a guy that beautiful I go, you don't. I thought, don't start taking down Sam. He ris He's on the right side of things, man, and he's like, he's he's saying that molesters should just be able to molest because they can't help their brains. I go, he is not saying that I said that, and I'm not really It was like, but it wasn't that.

He did it was it was I had a blaster Rooney doing it. And I do think I need to get into an adult debate club because of it. I don't I don't know the rules of debate, and so I should maybe explore that a little bit. But as we're talking about things that I wish were a bonus episode, I want to draw attention to something that is becoming a special thing for besties to do. If you want to get our podcast ad free, and if you want to get an extra bonus episode every month of the show, which is entitled Intrusive Thoughts, where we kind of say our most in things. That's going to be a separate secret episode called Intrusive Thoughts. You're gonna want to sign up for Big Money Players. That's the network of our podcast. In the iHeart thing, Big Money Players is Will Ferrell's podcast network. They have a new thing called the Diamond Players. Is that correct? Noah, Yeah, If you want to become a Diamond Player, you pay a little extra month. It's through Apple Podcasts, So you have to listen to your podcast through the Apple podcast app and then you go to our show, you search our show, and then there will be a button for you to subscribe to become a Diamond Player, which means you will get all of our episodes every week, twice a week with no ads, which is the best we can all agree. And then you also get a free bonus episode every month. So for a little extra dough a month, check that out. We would love for you to become a Diamond Member and you get what and you also get all the other shows on the network ad free. Oh that's right. Don't even forget about Las Calturistas, which is an amazingly award winning podcast.

There's also Eric Andre's new podcast.

Called I Bombed about like two comedians talking about all the times they bombed on stage. There's Poog, which is a hilarious wellness podcast hosted by Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novak. That's like it's goop backwards Poog. There's tons of hilarious podcasts in that network. So if you're ever looking for a new comedy podcast, go straight to Big Money Players because they they endorse us and so they have good taste and you can just search in there and you'll find great podcasts. So become a Diamond Player. Go to our podcast in the Apple podcast app, which is where I listen to all my podcasts, and subscribe there on our show page. Just search our show and become a Diamond Player. Get free no no ad podcasts and a special bonus episode.

Everyone.

Can we describe what the bonus episode is.

Yeah, it's gonna be called Intrusive Thoughts, and it's gonna be us sharing things that we are with that we're kind of ashamed that we think.

Right, you're yeah more or a lot are things that you know, we were afraid to say on the main podcast because they're a little bit like I don't know if I should be thinking this, this this thought just pop you want behind Yeah, you need to pay wall behind it that.

That's that's the way I'm going to treat it too when we do when we do that podcast, I'm going to tell stories that I would never tell on the main feed because they're a little too spicy or I don't want certain people to hear them. And I know certain people won't pay for this, so I know who it will like keep out. So if you want to be a true insider of the Niklaser podcast, go subscribe.

Today would be right back with more show. All right, we're back, so.

We can you Can you save me a conversation or two and just tell because I know that Ali listens to Ali's mom listens to this. Can can you just tell? Explain that you had a good time at the wedding so that when they're listening to this, they're not going, I mean, you did have a good time.

You enjoyed the wedding.

No, I true, I loved the way.

I want to be very clear that despite what was going on in my brain, I had an amazing time at the wedding. First of all, the food was the greatest wedding food I've ever had in my life. I got double plates because there was vegan plates made especially for me, and then I had the waitress go get me more. I had so many Brussels sprouts. I The music was amazing, The dancing was amazing, The company was amazing, the place, the table settings were amazing. There was these every they love national parks, Ali and Brian and so all the place sttings at the tables had these like coasters that had national parks on them. And our said Saint Louis H Gateway Arch because it's a national park.

And that was our table. And we were sitting with Adam Conover.

And his wife girlfriend Lisa partner Lisa Hannah Walt, who is the animator for many things including uh BoJack Horseman and.

And she created Tuca and Bertie.

And Tuka and Bertie starring Ali Wong who is able to you know, juggle it all and then and it was like I really did put my emotion, Like I was not hijacked that whole night by my thought process. It was there was times when I went to the bathroom and had a little bit of a moment where I would like kind of just process what I what had happened. But when I stepped back in that room, you couldn't help but forget your worries and just have a great time singing and dancing along to music and celebrating Brian and Alley which was there was. I truly, when I think back on your wedding, I'm not thinking about how I was thinking about the end of my relationship. And that's why I hadn't even told it on the podcast yet, because it's not the first thing I think about when I think about your wedding at all. It was amazing, totally matched by Anna's wedding two weeks later. I had the best wedding experience this summer ever. Great weddings and by the way, great food at Anya's wedding too. I can I just tell you what I discovered at Onion's wedding that I didn't know was delicious grilling romane.

Oh I didn't get to that. Fuck what was he? Are you fucking kidding me? Was it? Never think putting olive oil and some salt and probably garlic on roman lettuce and then roasting it or whatever the fuck they did grilling it. It was so you would think like, well, that's not gonna be good.

It looked like soggy lettuce, no offense, That's what it looked like it was. I went back, I ate probably half the dish.

It was so fucking good.

That's awesome.

It was so good and the vegan I didn't know.

I thought they were gonna do like some vegan stuff, but I found out, like.

The viewers were amazing. Crab cakes.

Oh yeah, I didn't know those weren't crab Those were not crab what?

Yeah, I didn't eat them. That was vegan.

Yeah, that was vegan. It was like palm hearts.

I don't know how they get grabbed. Palm so good.

Speaking like I have this this calamaria that I get at Crossroads in Los Angeles, which is a vegan place, and they.

Do yeah parts of palm Friday. Had you had that with me?

Anya, weren't they soodus uttering right now?

Me Tarter Sauce.

Show guys, and that place on tour that was like vegan all vegan sushi. What is it called Planta? Oh my god? They made us crab.

Cakes so good?

I am.

Can I ask you as a question, what you guys think. I am getting a food truck for a giant number of people this Friday, I think, and let's just assume most of these people aren't vegan. I am buying it though, and I'm not trying to force my ways on anyone else, Like I don't want to force people to be vegan if they don't like it.

But I'm gonna get a food truck.

If I were to do a vegan food truck, it would be one that like makes stuff that, like everyone agrees is fucking dope.

Do you think that's too?

Like?

Ugh, this girl, like, I'm giving a gift, but I'm like, I want you to have it the way I want it, or should I just get like meat and cheese, normal food because I don't care that people like that.

I didn't even know the crab cakes were not real.

This is a just a dilemma I had. And then I just concluded, you know what, like I'm not vegan, but a few of my good friends are. The person marrying us is. And then Matt vegan options. You thought you thought the crab cakes were not real? Yeah, like the cakes, so you thought that you would opt.

For people that weren't vegan, and you did have it.

But I was still like, should we have chicken? And Matt's like, Babe, people can do without meat for one meal of their lives, which is one hundred percent true, That's what I'm saying.

But I just don't want anyone to go God.

But you know what if they think that they're la people are vegan anyway and people love free food, I'm telling you.

They're truck that can do both. That can't something do vegan.

I don't want to.

I'm kind of like, you know what, I think the one of people that don't like vegan food are cut and I would be in a place that actually is doing it right, that isn't making it like vegan like grossy.

You know what I mean, Like, I know the difference. I like, I know the different vegan. Yeah.

I asked a girl that's helping me to look into it, and but I was kind of so that you just confirmed what I already thought I was gonna do, which is the right thing, and and maybe someone will go you know what, I can't even tell the difference and not like I saw when I did beat Bobby Flay. My proudest moment was when a guy made a vegan cheese. Yeah, on beat Bobby Flay, a guy made I was vegan. So the whole episode had to be vegan, and everyone seemed to be very like whoa.

I guess, And one.

Of the judges was like this like New York, Like I like pepperoni and I'm like a pizza New York guy, and they were making Philly cheese steaks vegan, which is like a very hard thing to make vegan. In fact, the most disgusting vegan thing I've ever had was a Philly cheese steak in Philly that was vegan. It was I've never had anything disgusting vegan, and it makes my stomach charn thinking about it. Because my friend, uh, this guy that I was like kind of interested in dating, he I ordered from a vegan place and he was trying to be like he liked me, so he was like, oh, get something vegan too. I don't even eat vegan, but I'll do it. So he ordered a vegan cheese take and I was like, ew, I wouldn't get that. That seems gross but okay, and he was like, no, I think it'd be good. I'm vegan, I could do I could swig with this. And then he got it and offered me a bite, and I was like, that is disgusting, and I lost respect for him because he was kind of pretending to like it, and I was like, he's just doing that for me, and it is gross. So anyway, they made these amazing, amazing vegan Philly Cheese Stakes because they're amazing chefs, Bobby and then the other chef he was going against, and then the cool New yorka like I don't know what about this.

He was Asian, by the way, I'm not even joking you he was, but he was still kind of like a little bit New York like cool, and he was like Italian Asian. I don't know how to describe it.

Blenty of friends like that, who are yes.

Are you this is a moment of you being fag.

No, I grew up in New York and I have friends to talk like, are from I mean, it's not that's not unusual.

Okay. So was it Michael Voltaggio. No, it was one of the judges.

So Michael Voltaggio was the other celebrity like that was hosting it with me, and then it was one of the judges.

He was Asian, but he bit into this Philly cheese steak and he was like, oh God, this is as good as.

Anything I've ever had. And he was so I knew he was. He was coming into it being like, what's this going to be? And it was so awesome to see him go this is as good as any meat product I've ever had.

It was so nice. And by the way, there's a name. Guess what I don't know.

If you want to watch the glazier episode of Beat Bobby Flay, the next one will be September twenty first at six thirty pm, five thirty full time Sweets on the Food Network. It's a really good more errings that. Oh wow.

And if you guys also want to watch F Boy Island, I should do a plug for that. It is coming out on the CW October twelfth.

I'm very excited. Yes, Thursday, October twelfth. Is that the former season?

No, this is season three, new season just recently, very very exciting, so much drama, so much comedy, the funniest season by far.

The boys or do we know any of the boys?

I can't tease any of the boys. You may or may not know people. If you watch, if you've never watched F Boy before, it doesn't matter. You can jump in the season. You don't need any prior knowledge.

Okay.

So that's the good news. And the other good news is on the CW. So this isn't You don't have to download a streamer. This is going to go straight to what's that guy? Oh, that's Pierce Pierce. Yeah, So f Boy Island on Instagram, you can go there and you can see they put up some of the guy's profiles and Pierce, we made fun of a lot that he looks like me.

We he's the same style, and he does.

He does resemble me, and that is flattering to me because he is a gorgeous man. And without makeup, I definitely look like Piers. Maybe with makeup, I look more like Piers. He's gorgeous. And so you'll see some guys on the f Boy Island Instagram. You can follow it there and follow along. But it is a insane season and it's really going to feel like the Bachelor Bacherette in the past in terms of like you have to wait a week to get the next episode. So it's gonna build momentum, it's going to build suspense, and you can watch it, and so can your parents, because you know your parents don't know how to work their fucking tuobi's or whatever. So just just is on normal cable. So look up CW whatever number it is on your dial and watch it live on Thursdays starting October twelfth on the CW set your DVRs now, it really mean a lot to me. Let me just say that the way ratings are right now, you guys, if twenty of you DVR this right now and watch it, never in the history of television in the you know, sixty seventy years, It's been around eighty years.

I don't know how long.

Your your little view of something really didn't matter because shows used to get like six million viewers because there were three networks, right, and then we go to the nineties and it was still like a big everyone was watching stream like you know, cable and TV. So you're you were just one of millions and you didn't really matter. If you skipped out something, your rating didn't help.

I'm not kidding you.

Sixty of you watching the show could make me get another season of this. It actually your your vote matters more than ever. I'm not telling you. I'm not saying people with Nielsen boxes watch it. I'm just saying anyone watch it. I just want I know that that would make me feel special if I was a viewer, like, because I know in the past when people have been like, watch my thing, I'm like, does it really fucking matter? This actually does, because no one watches anything anymore and.

Everything you have saturated watch it. Yes, But if you don't have TV, what if you only have streamers.

And CW dot com and you can go you can download the CW app and stream it every week.

Sure, get to find.

Out if the CW is on Hulu. Yeah, it should be.

I think one of those.

Okay, okay, yeah, so yes, currently F Boy Island is on Hulu, but you can only watch season two, so I don't think you can watch CW live on Hulu at least that.

It will probably be the next day, So Hulu the next day you can probably watch.

F Boy three.

Yes, and make a difference.

We will.

It's so fun it's so funny. There are things this season that I just couldn't believe they let me say and do, and I'm just so fucking excited about it. So please check that out. I wanted to talk about the other night I was on a show. I don't want to name names because I don't want people figure out who I'm talking about, but I do want you to probably guess. I want people to like try to figure it out, but I want to make it so it's like leaves reasonable doubt because I don't want to give any specifics. But I was on the show with some heavy hitters, right, it's pretty good show. And then the person that went on after me ran the light quite a bit. Now i'm talking to a comedian here, Brian's here. Anya, You're very familiar with how times work and how shows run. You're performing yourself, What do you think is acceptable to run the light? You know, if you think you're pretty hot, shit, what do you think is acceptable amount.

Of time on the running?

Okay, so if you're doing a fifteen minute set, which these are fifteen minute sets, and there's five people on the show, let's say, or six doing a fifteen minute set, you can usually get the light. The person asks you the light guy goes, when do you want the light? I always say two minutes. That means a two minute light, meaning I have two minutes before it's fifteen minutes, So I get a light at thirteen minutes. This person definitely got asked when do you want the light? Definitely saw the light because he's not a fucking idiot, and he's performed at this place before. God, I gave him a gender. I was going to keep it gender or maybe a change the gender.

You don't know.

I work in very mysterious ways, so this person definitely knew where the light was coming from. Is not a stranger. I know it is, and ran the light and I just want to ask you guys what you think. And by the way, I've run the light before, I'm not immune to it. Because sometimes you get the light and you're like fuck either you end you close at like you know ten seconds to go, and you're right on schedule, but your joke sucks, so you go, let me just fit in one more joke. And sometimes that joke is two minutes long because you just have to scramble and pick one.

You go, fuck, I picked a two minute long joke.

So sometimes you run the light two minutes, three minutes, four minutes. I start looking at my watch at three, I start getting angry. At four, what do you think is a time where you go, who the fuck do you think you are?

Time?

Because that's the time this person reached and I'm pissed about it, and am.

I going to confirm this person? You fucking no? I won't no.

At four is when I start looking and I start getting ready to text the sound guy.

I think at five five minutes, it's worthy of being like you're making a mistake. But if the person does ten to fifteen minutes over the light, which is double the set, then that's fuck you. Who the fuck do you think you are?

Double the set?

Okay, so at fifteen at thirty minutes, you think that's who the fuck do you think you are?

Yeah, Like I would if.

They went five minutes over, I'd be like, bro, but I wouldn't be like fuck you. So five minutes over, like that's pretty rude, but I'm not going to say fuck you to your face. But if they doubled their set fifteen minutes, which means which what that means is there is going to be a lesser known comedian who will not get to go up.

Because Brian, there isn't going to be a lesser known comedian that gets to go up less time. There's going to be better known comedians who are ahead of you on the show who you need to be a little reverential to if you ask me, and not act like such a fucking big shot just because you're making more money than us right.

Now, Like it is it? Oh, Mike, it's easy to figure out.

But this person ran the light eleven minutes and do you want to know why? I know exactly eleven minutes because I texted the sound guy to say. I wrote to the sound guy because the person that was going on after him I was next to and I go, this is up. This is unacceptable, and he's like, yeah, we started making fun of this guy being like, he goes, I think he thought the light was begin your set, like he thought. He goes, oh, he got a fifteen minute light or whatever. He's making fun of him, so he's like but then he starts getting annoyed because it's like it's just this person wanted to go home.

In the comic that was going up, the people gave him a follow up light, like one of those like come on, the lady's just on.

You flick it on and it's just on. O. It's in the back of the room. It's a red light and it's just on. So this person went eleven minutes over and I texted the sound guy. The funniest part is I text the sound guy and I go, I want to I want to read the text exchange because it's really funny because he doesn't really know me that well.

This sound guy and he didn't know know.

That they're missing the light. It's like sometimes the light goes on and you don't see it and you're like, oh my god, how long have I been up here for? And then you're like, I'm so sorry. That doesn't last eleven extra minutes.

Though.

The infuriating thing is, I bet no women do this. I bet it's final all male comedians. Women do do this. There's women who do this, but I will say I have never.

I haven't seen this.

But the only time I've seen this happen is one time I was working with the Sclars in Canada, the Sclore brothers and John dor who is a fucking dream of a person. John dor Dori one of the funniest people ever. His Conan with Rory Scovel is one of the best YouTube clips I ever show people. They do a duet on Conan that is like Conan says, we excellently booked two comedians tonight are booking that we fucked up, and they're just going to perform together, and so they go out and do their sets at the same time. You can't understand either of them, but they have it choreographed perfectly. It's one of the funniest things ever. So anyway, John dor went twenty five minutes over and the scolars and I were like, what is going on? This is a thirty minute scent and he's doing forty five. And at the end of it, John really was like, I'm so sorry with I don't even know what.

I was thinking. Like you could tell he was shocked by it.

Listen, I have gone over egregiously before, and egregiously I mean five six minutes, but it's because I'm last on the show, or I know that the show is a late show so it can run late. So I know that the person to make him go late too, so this person. So I wrote to the sound guy, hey do you have an uh?

I go, I go.

Please let me know how long he's been on, just for my own curiosity. He goes twenty so far I thumbed up it. I said, I want him to keep going. This is unreal, And he goes seriously because I was like, sometimes when I when they start running the light, I want to I want.

Them to go like I want the.

World.

Yes, so this is twenty right.

So now he's five over, which is to me, this is I've I told you at four minutes, I start going, I want to text the sound guy. Five minutes I'm texting the sound guy and I go, I want him to keep going. This is unreal. He goes, seriously, I said it because he came to a point where he could finish, you know, there was the end of the joke. And he puts his leg up on the stool and he starts going at it again. I go, he's not done. And then the guy, the sound guy wrote back killing and I go, oh my god, this sound guy thinks I'm saying this is unreal, like I want him to keep going, like I love this bit, and I go, oh my god, I'm saying all this because I'm annoyed. Unreal as in, how do comics run the light like this, especially in front of blank the person who is he's you know, going in front of who is someone who deserves a lot of respect for his business. And then we start we kept talking shit, and that's a sound guy who I will not say the name of, but uh yeah, I should I confront this person because I feel like talking. I think I want to to say something. This person would not look at me. Afterwards, we didn't talk to each other. In the green room. So this person and I did not talk to each other after the show. I just think he I think he kind of gets maybe he gets the vibe.

I don't care for him very much. And do you know who it is, Brian?

Yeah, you told me, Oh okay, But I don't think I don't think you should confront this person. I think that it's pointless. It's like it's the deed is done. It was just us show and in the grand scheme of things, that show means less than nothing to anybody.

So maybe he'll.

Keep what I'm talking about. No, he's going to keep doing it. And what I want to know is why did you do that? Why did you need to work on that bit that was perfectly worked out? That's what I kind of want to ask him, is why did you do that? Because the answer is I think I'm better than you.

No, I was. I went before him. Oh I see, so I it wasn't It didn't affect me. This was not me to give a shit. Yeah, I mean everyone everyone couldn't believe it. And the person afterwards, even this.

Person know.

That he ran the light.

That people were annoyed. No, but I'm sorry he's been in the business long enough. You know the rule of the light. You don't do eleven minutes, which is what percentage of fifteen minutes is eleven minutes an eighty percent of your set. You don't do an You don't do a one to eighty. You do one hundred percent of your set. Yeah, he gave it one hundred and eighty percent. I'll tell you that. When people say I gave this two one hundred and ten percent, he gave it one hundred and eighty percent.

This guy, it just you know, I just you know what I want to do. I just want to say, why, why did you think that was okay?

Maybe he was thinking that I'm crushing this audience is loving me, and you're here for me. It's the show for me to be up here longer, because this is what's a good answer.

See, I would take that answer and I would say, you know what, if you if they were there for you, I could see how this would go. But how about you do the courtesy that Bill Bird did to me when he bumped me and bumped I'm saying that's usually as a negative connotation. He just got up before me and wasn't on the list, and he went over to me, which he did not need to do because he's Bill Fuckingburn He can do whatever he wants in my mind, But he went over. He found me, and he said, do you mind if I go in front of you? And he asked, unlike one other comedian that used to bump me all the time and never fucking ask who thinks he's a hot shot because he was this guy back.

In the day. Now he's kind of fallen from grace.

But you know why this guy would This guy probably would have done this back in the day, even when he wasn't a big deal.

But I don't I don't care for it. I don't care how big you are.

I don't care how much you think the audience is there for you have a little respect for the show, the run of show, for the waite staff who has to deal with these patrons for longer and reset the room in an urgent way. And also, don't don't give you know what I think he would say, probably that bit just took that long. And that's what me and my friend we're laughing about, was like, we know what it's like to get in you you pick a bit to finish up with and you go, oh shit, this is a seven minute bit, but I only have two minutes.

You make edits because.

You're a professional and you know your own material and you know how to make cuts. If you don't know how to do that, go back to the open MIC's bitch, you don't, you're not good enough. I have to stick to your seven minute bet exactly the way it is with your fucking dumb thirty second pauses.

That no one needs.

So we all are waiting a baited breat breath, all of this like performative shit.

I'm pissed, and it's really say that.

I've literally I've ended sets by saying, well, I can't finish the bit. I'mount of time. I guess you're gonna have to see me some other time. Goodbye, And I would leave that way that's happened before. That's cool, like, especially if you're opening up for somebody like I, like, oh my god, I realized that I'm a couple of minutes over. There's no way I can finish this bit and you're not here to see me.

I'm out, or at least.

If you get carry it away and you're like, god, I'm having so much fun out here in the crowd just loving it. And then well, if you go over and everyone goes over, own it, get off stage and be like, sorry, I went way over.

I'm not going to do that. I apologize to every eleven minutes.

But the key fact here is that this was the early show, and so that's not just being rude to the comedians, it's being rude to the staff because they have a very short amount of time to turn around the room for the next show, and to extend that show by even ten minutes makes their job nearly impossible.

Which just stick to what your time is. You're only getting paid three hundred bucks for the spot, like do your time. Don't act like it's like, well, I need to do the time that you know I get paid for, Like we're all getting paid the same. But I will say that Mark Marin over the weekend, I went to the Country store and he was in front of me, and I was late for my next set, so I had to be on stage. And if I get on stage exactly what I'm supposed to do, I'm already late for my next set, but I already have it arranged that it's going to be okay with the next set.

So Mark Marin's on stage.

He starts running the light a little bit in a okay, wait two minutes over. I'm still like, what, it's fine, he's as long as he's like finishing up the bit that started before the light began, I'm fine.

And it's Mark Maren.

By the way, Mark Maren can do whatever he wants. He's a goat, right, and he kind of looks like a goat sometimes. So he he finishes a bit, and then it wasn't what he wanted it to be, and I could tell. And I'm in the back of the room and I'm like like, kind of looking like Mark.

Please finish.

I gotta make my set, And I'm texting with my next set, being like and I'm telling the girl in the booth, I'm texting that in next set, saying I'm gonna be late. But I'm also telling the girl who's running the light at this place, I can't do fifteen minutes.

I have to do eight minutes.

I'm gonna make miss my next set, so I'm cutting my time as Mark goes on. So then Mark goes he knows I'm next because he's bringing me up, and he goes Nikki can I do one more bit. I'm sorry, you don't care if I do one more bit. And the woman next to me has seen me panicking up unto this point. And the woman next to me is my old roommate's mother, who's a little brazen and might have had a couple of cocktails.

So I go, it's fine. She goes no, she like shouts es, but it's not okay. And I got and I go, Mark.

It's not it's fine, And I go God, and I lean back in my chair kind of like uh fuck, not at Mark, but because I gave him permission he asked, but more at the situation. And then Mark's friend is next to me, Tom Sharpling, a guy who's been on our podcast before. But Tom Starling came in with Mark, and I forgot Tom was sitting there. And then Tom saw me get exasperated, and I knew he was gonna tell Mark. So I go over to Tom and I go, will you please not tell Mark that I'm upset that he's running the light because I did give him permission.

I'm just in my own head, and.

So I will say that I do allow people to run the light when they ask or they acknowledge it, I don't care, but when you think you're hot shit, and I hope I never get to a place in my career where I think I'm such hot shit that I can treat other people worse and like I'm better than them, because to this person, you're not better than us. You aren't And the only thing that makes you feel good is to do stuff like this because you do feel so so small and you you probably should go to therapy, is my advice. And that's a podcast for this today, for this today, Thank you for being here, baby decisions, rants, relationship worries, wedding appreciation.

We will see you tomorrow

On the show Jobica and oh and you just go see me on tour Chicago September fifteenth, Pory, Illinois, September sixteenth, bunch of other dates at Mickey Glazer dot com

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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