#368 Cruel Hollywood, Getting Skunked & What's So Good About Going Braless?

Published Aug 17, 2023, 11:00 PM

The show kicks off with Brian sharing jaw dropping stories about plagiarism in the entertainment business. Nikki believes it's another case of parallel thought. Anya shares how her homecoming turned into a skunky mess. Nikki is perplexed when women moan a sigh of relief when taking off their bra. After Brian and Anya get go down memory lane about drawing anime, Nikki stirs some of her own nostalgia when she pulls out a Seventeen Magazine from the early 2000's. After reading the absurd headlines on the cover Nikki and Chris take an even more absurd and outdated relationship quiz. 

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The Nicki Gleiser Podcast, Nikkleaser, Here's Nicky.

Hello here, I am Welcome to the podcast is Nicky Glazer podcast. I'm Nicky Glazer. I'm here with my boyfriend Chris Convey. We're in Los Angeles, California. Where was everyone laughing? What's happening?

Nick nick podcast?

Well? I was like really low end before we started, and I just decided, like I was leaning back in my chair as the show was starting, and I was like, be professional, bitch, And so then it snapped into like talking way too fast and I need to find some happy medium, you know, like I want to be a professional, but I want to be authentic and I want people to be understand what I say.

It sounds like you're auditioning the big game show host Welcome.

Like, yeah, oh that's pretty good. I am kind of that would be a sweet gig. Welcome to the show. Chris Convey is here with me in California, and uh Anya and Brian Franji, Anya, Marina, Brian Frandier here. Noah is here as well. The whole gang is together.

I invented a game show. You did, Yeah, I did? And then it was stolen from me and then I actually went and auditioned for it to be a contestant and I didn't get on, and I was like, I made this.

Shows again, what is the show?

Oh well, it's a show and it can also be a party game for your friends and family at events or parties. I guess it's called Lincoln Words and it's uh. I kind of forgot how to play it. But you start off with a word. And this is before if you heard of this game, this is before I came up with this, before you heard of it. This was like ten years ago. But also there might be another game from the seventies. It's very similar, but there was a start with a word, and you know like compound words like trash shoot or garbage truck, you know stuff like that. Yes, so you start off with a word and then you have like like a wordle type word and you have like five chances to get to another word. Yeah, to get to another word.

That's cool, Lincoln Words. I don't like the name.

Lincolns because it makes me I'm going to talk about Abraham Lincoln and that bores me and I don't want to see that show.

But I do like this game is really fun. We should play this sometime.

It's a fun game and I have a bunch of rules that's exciting. You have to spend sided die and.

What could the rules be?

Well, one of the rules is if you're in a circle, like like if you're playing cash phrase or something like that, you're in a circle. If you're in a circle and you try to think of a Lincoln word, if the person, uh, you try to think a link word, and then the person if you can't think of a Lincoln word, then you can say.

How are you spelling Lincoln.

L I n K I like Lincoln Park? Okay, yeah, like Lincoln Park. If you can't think of a Lincoln word one way because you think that the previous word is too difficult to link with, then you can say challenge and the person before you has to then come up with the Lincoln word, and if they can't come up with a Lincoln word, then they lose because they gave you a shitty word to link with.

So then you tried out for this game. That was the game stolen from you? Or is it like the idea that Elizabeth Gilbert has where if you don't capitalize on your ideas, they will find someone else's brain and find a way out.

Yeah, Elizabeth Gilbert, definitely. I mean I didn't have any means to capitalize on this, Like, it's not like if you come up with a game show, you can just go to mercy.

She was stolen from you.

So I didn't know if that it was a real thing, because the other day you did tell me of a show that was seemingly like you pitched a show, and then a show came out on that same network that was so similar to your idea.

Yes, I can talk about that.

Yeah, please, it's insane.

This is in twenty seventeen or something or twenty eighteen, I pitched a show to Fox called Models on Mars. It was an animated narrative show that the premise of the show was there is a a producer who pitches a reality show called Models on Mars, where they would take twenty influencers or celebrities and fly them to a recently abandoned Mars colony on Mars and they do a reality show in a big house on Mars and they have to do all these Mars challenges.

Wait, I have a dumb question, Okay, but don't make Is it a reality show or is it a mock reality show.

This is a cartoon, this is an animated narrative, and they can't go to Mars way.

Why is any laugh?

Because I think Ana is questioning, like is this really good? Possible?

Yeah, we know, I mean we're on our way, so it's not.

Okay. So in this world, there was a Mars colony constructed that did not happen yet in real life, and then it was abandoned because the public will didn't want to pay the taxes anymore, so they abandoned this Mars colony, and then this production company came in and decided to take advantage of it by putting a reality show in the colony there. So it's a colony with all science shit, but then they removed all the science shit and replaced it with like a indoor like an underground pool and a foam pit and stuff. Okay, so they fly all of these models to Mars with a small skeleton production crew, and then on the way to the Mars colony, the nuclear apocalypse happens on Earth and everybody dies. And so this small production company and twenty of the worst people in human existence, influencers and stuff like that, are responsible for repopulating the human society on Mars and also surviving without any help. So I pitched that show. People said, oh, it's such a great idea. I love you, Bri, You're the best, You're so funny. Definitely gonna make.

This shows up in the Martian And that is what someone stole his idea.

Now, so three days later, you know, you get an email that says we actually hate you. Fuck you.

And then you you get an email because sometimes I feel like they just don't ever tell you.

Yeah, they love telling you how great you are in the room, though, don't they.

That's the Hollywood. Hello. So I so this year, as some of you may know, Fox.

Because I advertised it on this podcast, Yes, yes.

For this, Fox comes out with a reality show called what's it called Stars on Mars Mars Stars on Mars. Where's a real reality show. It's not an animated narrative show. It's a reality show where they made some Mars colony mock up and they're taking celebrities and influencers and putting them in a big house and forcing them to survive on quote unquote Mars.

Is it really like Starzam I don't know, but yeah, it's just like a mock up of I haven't seen it yet, but it's I did see one clip of it where because I couldn't just I just couldn't believe this headline.

And it was like Lance Armstrong gets into a fight with Ariel Winter or like you know the girl from the she was like the younger sister and modern family, like the smart one. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, Lance Armstrong isn't a screaming fight with her star because he's like, I'm leaving. She's like, this isn't what it's about. And all these people are like.

You need to stay. We gave here as a group, like it's like desperate.

Like and he's just like so intense, and it was like it actually looked really good Stars on marsh check it out on Fox.

Was so ridiculous.

William is ninety something years old.

He still got it.

Jesus Christ, what did you feel when, like, do you think they stole it?

For what's what's parallel saw? What do you think is going on there?

I think for that, I mean I don't think it was stolen. I just think it was the reason why I was able to come up with the parody idea for the reality show because I thought that things are so ridiculous now that this is a realistic possibility. And that's why it was a good pitch, because I thought it could happen. But then four years later it did happen, although they fudged it because it's not really on Mars.

But well, I think that's my question is how did you miss out on the title stars on Mars?

Yes, because your.

Season isn't even all it was models and influencers at a mix of people.

But you liked the alliteration more than the rhyme.

Yeah, I'm a sucker for alliteration. But that's not the only time that a show that I pitched was then made. I mean, it happens. We have protection against time, no, no, no protection at all. And yeah, for people like me, you know, it's like I'm a fucking nobody going in there with my dumb idea. There's nothing stopping them from just taking the idea and you know, running with it. Like you know, Kevin Costner has this app out now where it's I forgot what it's called, but it's like an app where you it's a location based storytelling app where you put this app on your phone and then you get to a certain location, and then you get there's that tells you a story based on where you're standing, based on whatever historical or informational stuff like sort of like a walking tour.

Fiction or nonfiction.

It's called it's audio with au TiO.

Yeah, autio, I'm pretty sure it's not fiction. But anyway, I had that idea too. I pitched that around, Nobody fucking wanted to give me money for it, and then I in twenty fourteen, I created a cartoon called Illuminati Incorporated, based on my experiences with my podcast that I had for seven years. I'm even made shorts for Illuminati Incorporated. And the premise of the show was a workplace comedy that takes place in the Illuminati, and it was about the minutia of corporate of a corporation, but starring the creatures that were in charge of running this shadow government. And I even made episodes of that cartoon, and I put it out on Dan Harmon's little contest project Channel one oh one, and I won first place three times in a row, and then I pitched it. I pitched it to Adult Swim, which was before Netflix existed. But then two years ago I was still doing voiceover auditions for animation stuff. I received the sides for a show that like sounds quite a lot like Illuminati Incorporated. And here I am reading sides for some lizard person for this show that I was like, this feels a lot like Illumini. It's like a workplace comedy. And then two years later Netflix comes out show a good show which is even more upsetting, called Inside Job, which was a workplace comedy that takes place an animated workplace comedy that takes place in Illuminati headquarters, which, FYI, not the most original idea anyways. So is this just a matter of time before someone came out with it? But it sucks because I pitched the show in twenty fourteen. They said this is a shitty idea, You're dumb and we want to cut your head off. And then four years later they're like, this is an amazing idea.

Two seasons this is undossible. Does this happen to you Anya? In the Songwriunning World.

I mean it happened to Matt. Matt has a song that is very similar to a Morgan Wallen song. I was just thinking about it. Do you want me to play you a little of it?

Back to back.

Yes, Okay, so this is Matt's song from Matt pont Pier, released years years before the Morgan Wallen song that I'll play you let me fast forward too, Okay, hold on, here we go. Okay, so that's a pretty Uh that's something you'll remember.

Yeah, now's.

So that's a very similar progression.

Yeah, is anything less similaric than country music? With this kind of country music. I mean, this guy is putting on a voice like you wouldn't believe. I mean, that's not you heard the country music.

It's incredible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If people haven't listened to the bo Burnham pandurin, it's after this podcast.

Look it up.

Favorite thing I think ever country music.

Country music fans and people that aren't country music, people that hate country music. Everybody should listen to this.

It's so funny. No shirt, no shoes, no juice.

You didn't hear that.

And it's like he just like I walk and talk la Field hand, but the jeans I'm wearing cost three grand.

Uh.

And he goes there's a little line where you're just like, I hate dirt. Like he's talking about being like I would I talk about coming from towns I'd never go to I uh, I always have the beer can with the label face and now it's all about and the whole song is like I can still I could speak in Mandarin, you know, I'm panderin and it's just and.

Then he gets rapey.

It's really funny, and then yeah, it's that's disturbing that those.

Two songs sound very similar. That's the future. That's when that that's what happens when you plug stuff into AI. That's what's all gonna be. It's gonna be like, well, that song sounds a lot like these three songs mashed together. What the fuck's that? That's the future we're gonna be dealing with.

That is I don't think.

I can't imagine an artist is dumb enough to just take an artist that maybe no one has heard that like a B track from an old album, and and just copy it. I think their producers do that though, you know, like when I got nothing to give Morgan tomorrow, let me just pull this old CD that I found and like and take this thing. This guy probably will never even listen to a Morganwallen song. He'll never know this thing. And this is already a Morgan Wallen b track anyway or whatever, like no one's gonna hear this one, and they Because that's the thing that I said about Carlos Mencia when I said that people were he wrote he stole people's jokes. The people were that were writing for him stole people's jokes. Not that I'm saying Morgan Wallan's not capable of it. I'm just like, I just think that would be so insane for an artist to actually steal.

But you know, stranger things.

What about Brian's case where it's like big Hollywood studios, I think.

You can just because there's no name on that, you can just hide behind one of the producers like it's just and yeah, I think that happens way more.

I don't think that Stars on Mars was rip off. I don't think Fox, and I think Fox heard both pitches, and they probably hear similar pitches all the time. But it's not like the execs at Fox or like, we have an idea for a show. If someone came to them and said, we have an idea for a show. Stars on Mars pitched it to them, and even though it was very similar to my idea, they somehow thought that theirs was good.

And it's not like every single idea goes to Billy Fox like these are. Animation department is different than the reality department, like it's they all report to some meeting.

But I do know thereat ideas. This idea did go to Billy Fox.

And I'm always on the side of parallel thought. Like whenever someone's like, I heard this girl do a joke of yours, I always go, it's probably parallel thought because I'm not there's not that many ideas out there. I've seen it happen so many fucking times. I mean, especially with the book most of the comics accused of stealing. Always, if I could give any advice to people, if you see someone accused of stealing, it most likely didn't happen, and it's parallel thought. They might also be a shitty person on top of that, and they might like not care that a joke that they like, you guys heard me say the other day Mark Marin did a joke that I was like tossing around in my head. But now it's done, Like I'm not going to touch that now because he's already done it. And I can't even put my own little spin on it because I saw him do it, and it just feels icky to me, So.

That should stop a lot of people.

But the other night I was on stage and I did my joke about Susan Boyle and it just did not go over well, and I was just like, ugh, all right, that's weird.

And then.

The next day this comedian wrote to me and she was like, hey, I went right before you last night and I did a joke about Susan Boyle, and I think that's why the audience was a little like off on that one. I was like, oh my god, this is so why you should watch someone before you, because so often you talk about the exact same things and you'll be making like a different point about it so or the same point, and the audience is just confused because the audience thinks you watched the.

Show Toyle night tonight ll be doing a riff on this.

But she was making I'm making a point that we only like Susan Boyle because she can sing a lot. Otherwise we think she's trash because she's old and ugly and no one wants to fuck her, so she would There's no chance she would be famous unless she had a good voice.

She's worthless to us. But her point was we only like.

Her because we feel bad because she's ugly, and so we I think that was her point. So she sent me the joke, She's really sweet, Jessica Michelle Singleton. She sent me her joke and and was like, I'm so sorry, dude, Like she's really and she's so funny and so nice, and so I was like honored that she even had like kind of the same premise because I really like love her comedy, but it wasn't the same. So I was like, oh good, I can still do mine, she can still do hers, we just shouldn't do them.

On the same show, back to back, and the other night, I did a joke about.

Not wanting kids and like all the reasons I think it's, like doesn't make sense to have kids or whatever, just doing my whole bit. And then Andrew Schultz gets up right after me, not having seen my act, and goes, my wife and I are trying for kids, and everyone just starts cracking up, and he goes.

Why is that funny? He like got mad at them. He's like, why do you laugh at that? Like he did not understand, and they're all they want to tell him like, because she just said, don't do that, and she made it.

Pretty I was proud of them laughing because obviously I made a good point. Yeah, they were all like, that would be upsur like Slucker, all right, we have to go to break. We'll come back right after this with Marshall.

All right, we're back. So, Anya, you just told us that Matt got oh yeah, dunked.

Oh my god. He told me a few days ago.

I was in Callous that's where Morgan steals your song.

Yeah, commits Granger that that's how we call it. Yeah, I was in California and I just ignored the text. And then the next he said, Willa and I got skunked. And then I went to bed and forgot about it immediately. And the next day he's like, I guess you didn't read your text. I'm like, I did. What what did I miss? He's like, Willa and I got skunked. It was a huge deal. I'm like, what does that even mean. He's like, we got sprayed by skunk. And they're always hikings and in the woods, So I didn't think anything of it. Evidently, late at night they went out to the backyard and Will was rummaging around with something back there, and then the motion light sensor goes off and Matt sees this little baby skunk and she's like you know knows. I mean, she's like a hunting dog, so she's in there with that, and he's like, willa stop stop, and he starts yelling skunk, skunk at the top of his lungs. She doesn't speak English.

Yeah, she's been trained so proficiently just for that exact move.

I know. And he doesn't want the skunk to get hurt, not even thinking this thing is about to happen. The skunk raises, yeah, raises its tail, and Matt's like it was so disgusting, just like a full on straight stream right in her nose and her eyes all over her face, and then he grabs her to get her away from the skunk. Doesn't want the skunk to get hurt, and.

The skunk sprase sphrase him.

So they're just covered in this skunk.

Jess, whoa wait, do they still smell?

The whole house smells, dude, And it's been a week, like and anytime you wet the door, he's bathed her three or four times, like, followed all the instructions online. Of course, I was like tomato juice because that's what I heard in the seventies. By the way, I just want to say, please, besties, nobody write to me. I know that I fucked up on yesterday's podcast and we dropped the epotomic bomb in nineteen forty five, not the sixties, which is what I said.

I mean, sorry, catch it confused it with me and all, and now I'll probably get that wrong.

I don't know, was like late sixties, yeah, thank you.

Uh yeah, the World War two was nineteen seventy three. So uh, tomic bomb. I believe.

No, it's so stupid.

I was trying to work on a joke the other day about how you know, how we get and we'll get back to the skug, but how we get mad at like kit like young people when we're like you you've never heard of goonies? Like it's like, yeah they were alive. Yeah, why Like I've been shamed my whole life, like you've never seen uh, Like, what's it? There's likes Company, Yes, stuff like that. You don't know who the fons is. It's like, yeah, I didn't exist then, bitch. And also I don't watch black and white films or whatever the fuck, so I might don't make a joke about how like you know, I even have those instincts sometimes when kids are like, what's who's Racle? And I'm like, you don't know who Racle it is? And it's like no, and like I don't know what. Like I wanted to make some.

Point of like and I don't know when World War two.

Was because I like the argument being I wasn't around then, But it's really because.

I'm still.

Paying attention.

I wasn't paying attention when I was young.

That day in class, yes.

Yes, that one day, one day to certain things.

I have a friend who he just he thinks he was sick the day they taught Roman numerals and he's got no idea.

That's so.

I never had a geography class because I went to a one room schoolhouse. They never in my education did anyone teach us geography. No cap I'm like, how did you guys miss that?

And you're way.

I got a shower curtain with the world on it, so when you are on the toilet you can learn.

Things.

And but uh, Brian has all the one hundred and ninety eight countries memorized.

I can name all the countries.

Yes, that's right, that's all that exists.

I can even name Booster, Noah and Anya. How many countries do you think there are in the world?

Right?

Ninety eight?

I just I think we did this already. I'm sorry and no.

But here's another question that we did last night that is so fun that Brian has all the stats for how many World War II survivors because it did happen in nineteen sixty veterans veterans, sorry, how many veterans of World War Two.

Are alive today?

And let's just say, when World War Two ended, there were sixteen million?

Was that right, Brian?

That's correct?

Sixteen million survivors of or like you know, veterans alive of World War Two when it ended. How many are there today? And how many? There's a follow a useful, so a handful being like twenty there were again sixteen million unless zero ended in nineteen forty five?

Is that definitely? I just to clarify, this is Americans that we're not talking about the whole world year.

Sixteen million Americans were alive in nineteen forty five, and they had just fought in the war. They were probably in their twenties, you know, zero that so okay, So twenties plus eighty three they're in their nineties now, yeah, nineties or hundred one hundred.

Or less, okay or less.

I'm gonna say zero.

Zero, Chris, such a thing.

Yeah, okay, because it's feel like.

I just saw something where like some like one of the last ones just died, or maybe there was some other word. I'm just gonna say under fifty.

The correct answer is, well, as of twenty twenty two, that's what the veterans. Yeah, but we'll do the math in just the second. As of twenty twenty two, there are one hundred sixty seven thousand, two hundred and eighty four World War two veterans alive.

And every day one hundred and eighty die.

Yeah, every day.

So if you do one hundred and eighty times three sixty five times, you get about sixty something thousand.

Subtract that's hundred eighty.

That's yeah, sixty five thousand, seven hundred.

So you subtract that from the number you just said, and that's how many are probably alive. Right now.

You have about one hundred thousand left, and.

Every day two hundred of them about two hundred die.

Probably that that number probably goes up too, it goes everywhere. Well, no, maybe it goes down. I don't know if it would go up or go down because they're getting older, but there's also less of them, so like you can't continuously have one hundred and eighty die because eventually it's like we don't have enough to do one hundred.

The dying would keep happening. It's not like the big number would slow down.

It would keep happening at a greater rate.

They're going to start.

Yeah, the number is going to go up. The number won't go down, Brian.

But the main if the if the main number is one hundred thousand, down goes down. Yeah, you think, okay, so always that number one hundred eight, But eventually it's going to go down because it's like, well, now there's only three thousand.

Because there's no like they know, it will go down when there's twelve left because it can only be twelve dying every day, So it will go down when there's less than two hundred five or whatever it is.

Yeah, but it's the reason that stat's remarkable to me is because, like your guys guesses, I felt like that was incredibly high. I can't believe there's over one hundred and sixty thousand people out there who are.

Thinking about it's team million. And you think about how many people reach to their hundreds. What percentage you would say, maybe like two percent of people get into their nineties.

I would think, you know.

I have no idea.

What age do you guys want to live to? Like, if you could pick it, do you want to live forever? What?

Yee?

Noah's age seven hundred, nine hundred.

Good question. I would always say as old as I can if I'm healthy. But you can't stipulate that.

My grandma's ninety two and she's still cracking jokes. Yeah, pretty sharp if you can. If you could be a little bit like that, I.

Think, yeah, well you have to have that going for you can't be Yeah, if you have a disease or something that makes it a lot differently, I'm.

Worry no one's going to visit, like no one will give a shit about me then, And I just don't want to be alone in a nursing home and having like nurses be like, oh, she's one of our favorites, Like I just don't want to be one of the nurse's favorites and that's like the only people that care about me.

And then I die and they all go, oh, she died. That's what they get. Just in the break room. They go really.

And then like no, mine, go back to social Yeah, they start swiping with their eyes, their eyes in their head.

God, what will it.

Be like here here's a stat according to the SOA, which I don't know what that is. That could mean the uh shitty Society of old ass people liars. Yeah, a non smoking, non smoking sixty five year old male in excellent health today has a forty three percent probability of living to age ninety.

Wow.

A similar sixty five year old female has a fifty four percent probability of living to age ninety.

If they never lived or if they don't smoke.

Now it just says non smoking, So I'm assuming I think after like ten years, your lungs completely regenerated.

Lungs are golden's. And she smokes a problem.

She's smoked for for thirties, you know, maybe forty years or something, and her lungs now look great. Not to say that if you're smoking right now, like don't go well, quit later it'll be fine, like it'll get you.

There's a picture of Julie Glazer in her either late twenties or early early thirties that is so hot and I think she's with you, Nikki, and there's like a blanket or a skirt or something like flying in the wind over her, and I think she has a cigarette and it looks like the coolest Virginia slims ed ever. She's like tan and sexy, and she has like a little baby next door.

I think it's Nikki. Yeah, it's me, and it's just like I want to smoke. Late twenties. I know she made it look cool. My mom would always like just be sitting in a chair, and I mean I grew up like seeing my parents doing this all the time and it looking like cool.

It still there was still looks cool.

Yeah.

One of the one of the videos and oust fits, one of the Holocaust survivors was smoking a stick. I was like, this woman is so cool smoking the cigare bin like And then the Germans they came and we weren't surprised, and.

They all had great lipstick and great hair done. You could tell they got lily quaffed for their interview. I really want to know what that movie was that they were showing us, because I said it yesterday, I go, why don't we all just go watch that movie?

That seems like that would be very important for us to all do.

Kenn Holocaust, the ken Burns documentary and the ken Burg it seems way older.

Oh, but it was like interviews with all these survivors.

Steven Spielberg interviewed a whole bunch of survivors and if you to live in the Holocaust Foundation, they have like you could hear like everyone's story that he was able to contact.

It might have been that okay, okay, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I know what was that?

No, but I heard Lucy k joke the other day about it, Bye Juiced. Have you heard that joke?

So he has this amazing joke about sorry to always just be quoting Lucy K, but that's all I'd be doing lately. But he has a joke about the little girl in Red in the movie when the when they're being round up and they're coming to get them, and there's this one little German girl who's like, bye Jews, Bye Jews. And he's like, oh, it's just a crazy scene you're watching, You're just like, oh my god. And then he's like, that means they had to have like audition that role. That means that there's a tape somewhere with a little a bunch of adorable girls going bye Jess, and like he does all the impressions of these little girls. And then I looked up the girl that did that was that role, and she is the lead from Small Ill something applebe Cheery Applebee or something like that.

Yeah, I mean that was her.

Apple sound like the last name of a person who would be screaming.

That what a crazy thing.

I don't if you were at a parent and your child was auditioning, would you They don't care.

She was the star of Roswell and also, well that's what I met. Sorry that show Unreal, which was really which is about the.

Behind the scenes of the reality show. I've heard from producers of reality shows. It's very very realistic to what goes on. Okay, skunked, so a stream of clear gross ship goes all over Willa.

She runs into the house and immediately rubs her nose everywhere on the rug and the couch. She's just like trying to get this stuff off so the couch smells grows, the rug smells grows.

Describing your fucking mind on your Marina.

I was in California. I didn't think he was serious, and then I don't know. I was just like, I'm sure it's fine, and he was like it was intense. I was up till two in the morning washing her, like over and over. The house is gonna smell really bad. I'm like, I'm sure it's fine, babe, And you know what, a week later, it's pretty fine. But it does smell like like Bob Marley has.

Been in here for a week. Yeah, it is weird how much weed and skunk spray smell the stone.

That's why it smells. It's called skunk.

The one thing I didn't know was if you wet a dog that's been sprayed with skunk, it like reactivates. So when I got home, I'm like, she barely smells. And then Matt was away and I'm like, I'm going to wash her face off a little bit more, and I like, get a damn cloth.

Notoriously washes her dog's asshole after it takes a shit, she wipes it down.

Why are you grimacing? That is like a thing Chris, that you would be excited about to come into my home knowing that my dog's.

Asshole, thinking about it, picturing it.

Chris is not someone who likes potty humor or any talk about it.

You are right about that.

You just take a paper towel like this, like here's my little wakens.

And you wet it under the sink and then you just do one of those just a couple folded over and do it again.

Chris, My s o A, what percentage of Americans wipe their dogs? But or.

It helps you?

I really want that stat Wait, I just heard about longevity, by the way, and this is just me paraphrasing some stuff that I heard from Peter Attila, the doctor that everyone's wild about, who's apparently a good guy and he's everyone thinks he's uh says he's reputable because he will change his research based on like he'll be like I was saying this, but it's totally wrong.

I fucked up.

It's now this But intermittent fasting does not make you live longer and does not improve your life that much.

But that's not what it's for, right, What is it for?

I mean, I'm not an advocate for it. I don't think it's like cool or interesting, but it's not. It isn't it isn't to live longer. Well, I think he was just talking to lose to lose weight, but he said the best sauna.

The old Norwegians they know all about that ship and Icelandic people there they have saunas in their houses.

I still don't understand what a sauna is versus a steam room.

I just I will never has no uh, there's no moistures, like basically like walking around into outside today is like being in a sauna literally.

Okay, well, yeah I thought that was interesting.

Also, a sauna is usually like a room with like like wooden wood like planks, and then yeah, a steam room there would be a lot of tiles.

What old naked men being around them is what keeps you correlation, just being fully revolted on a long term base.

Okay, Brian, do you remember being young and going to certain kind of pools and and like men swimming naked.

In the pool with like a public pool, not a publicol.

Okay, it doesn't sound crazy.

Yeah wait no, it's not a public pool, Chris, what kind of pool is it?

Well, it's like a club of some sort. Okay, but yeah, that's old men being naked in a locker room. They sure can't wait to be completely naked. They don't mind walking around doing whatever.

I only know about it because comedians have talked about it. You know, what I mean is wild?

What is going on with old men they can't wait to get their clothes off?

Like country clubs, golf clubs, you nudice colonies more popular with old men.

Then, I don't think it's like they. I don't think it's necessarily like a fetish for that. It's just a comfort that was breeded out of us as younger men. Like right, I don't think my dad's quite like that, and like, but I'm sure all of our grandparents are.

I like being naked. I don't have I don't have problems being naked. I often change in front of my hair and makeup girls. I'll change in front of Anya and know it. Like I'll be naked in front of my girlfriends, obviously my boyfriend. But I'm not comfortable being naked because your bits and pieces are touching things and I don't like that, and and because I tell I want like you know, just like sitting sitting on a duvet, like you just don't want your It's not that I don't want the duvet on my vagina. I don't want my vagina on the douvet, and I don't want I don't want to. And also boobs, I just I will never ever relate. I try to fit in sometimes and I'll make jokes about this because I know it's such a girl thing, but I let me just say right now, I don't relate to taking off a bra and feeling relief unless it is like that's fine, it crazy dumb bra like, unless it's like a bra that's like too tight or does it fit right? Otherwise, who wants their breast meat hanging and then touching your you're under like when your breast hangs, your boob touches your underskin and it's pulling down on this part of your skin and they just feel like they're sagging and they're sweat down there. I want them elevated, I want them perky. I want unless I had a boot, if I had a boob job, where they're just like naturally up and there's no little like.

Having you read that thing that by keeping them in a bra the whole time and you're not like developing the like whatever the fibers are, they don't care.

I know, I have read that sometimes I don't. I don't anymore. I used to. I don't anymore.

But bralettes from Underwire during the time I knew you, I remember, that was a big development.

Yeah.

I was doing bralets because I was like, my boobs are big enough and they're like fun enough to like, I don't need to always have like this. I don't want to lie. I kind of was on this thing of like push up braws are lying. But now I just wear whatever stylus, like whatever I pull out of a drawer mainly. But I'd never even, let's just say, I do take off a bra because I just don't want to sleep in a bra, because it's like maybe sleeping a bra is just not ideal. I'm never like, oh, oh, long day, Oh like what is that? I understand that when you take off shoes, shoes are fucking hell. Why aren't women talking more about the relief you get when you take off a shoe?

Why is a bra so much different? Do you guys have this bra?

I barely wear bras anymore because I gained weight over the pandemic. So all my bras are like one size too small and the cup just like squeezes all right on my boot between the skin. So I'm like, I'm not gonna spend eighty dollars on a bunch of new bras. I'm just gonna go loose.

I want to pick you back on that. I think I've gained a little weight too, and my stretch pants are digging into me. So I'm doing that ah with my stretch pants, Like every night, I'm like, why am I wearing a pants?

Uh?

If it's if it's not like a strapless bra is so annoying to me. I'm conscious of it the whole time. By the way, I want to recommend a film that I just saw, so cute are you there?

God?

It's me Margaret. Men and women will love it. And there's a scene where she has her first training braun she puts it on and her mom, played by the lovely Rachel McAdams is so good in this role. It's like, how do you feel right now? And the little girl's like, I can't wait to get this off, and I remember it like reminded me of the first time I wore a bra and it is like I remember telling my mom, I feel like a horse that just got a saddle put on it, and it's like, I can't wait to get this off.

But it's so uncomfortable when they're flapping around and like I just and your nipples are showing, so they're distracting to like other like it's is not I don't I feel really, this is like the child, this is like motherhood. I don't want it, and I don't relate to other women who do. And I don't relate to women who are like, oh the end of my my cup size is a lot smaller than yours.

So I don't know if I would feel the but it usually was saying like oh the braw a free and relate, And I know I'm wrong.

I didn't know this. So when women take their bra off at the end of the day, they turn to a Southern debut, they.

Lay on their fainting count, they goes for a hot day, I can't wait, pull me a mimosa, honey, and then they fling their bra and their boobs go from once east to west.

And comfortable. But I do relate.

We hear every go scroll and inst them for three minutes and you'll see something about a woman taking off her bra and it being relaxing, and it's just there's some memes that you go, I don't relate to this, and then there's some memes that get you.

Get you, But do you relate to this?

Do you relate to taking off a really tight bra that's like, you know, full on support and then you switch into a nice comfy bralette or like a yoga top that has like a built in shelf bra.

I relate to taking off uncomfortable shit.

I understand maybe women feel the way I feel in stiletto heels, but that is painful. I don't understand bras being painful. I understand if they're like the wires digging in, because sometimes war like pants.

That are uncomfortable, like all day long, and you take them off and you're like, I just feel like a new human.

Yes, but I think I think by and large, women are wearing bras that are ill fitting.

If this is the if this is a PSA, when you were like as a twelve year old boy, the greatest feeling that you had, because it was like before you became a young man, was taking off shin guards after a soccer game.

That was the greatest feeling young boy hard.

I thought you were gonna say when you like touched a boob.

No, it was when you were young. That's what the feeling was. You've got to take those shin guards and socks off. You were like, I feel like a new man.

Yes, better than sex. Yeah.

Really, it's just super tight on you all day and you're stricting field hockey.

I don't remember like the Yeah, they're just sweaty and gross and like you know, like when we were young, they were like hard as a rock. They were like like uh, popsicle sticks wrapped in duct tape.

Was there any part of your guys's development that was like really upsetting to you or like, ugh, this is such a hassle, like my balls dropped, this sucks.

Or body of your hair under your arm was humiliating to me because you would play basketball and you know basket you know, the jerseys all like you know, were like tank tops or whatever, and it was it was felt humiliating to have hair under your arm.

For guys, it's all hair related. It's losing your hair, it's getting hair on your shoulders, hair coming out of your ears. That's all stuff like that the old man hair on your upper arm. It's like, I hate that weird course hair. You're like, I didn't have this. Seven years ago.

I realized that men are embarrassed by things that we would not have expected them to be embarrassed by.

We just thought it was boners.

Like you guys are constantly hiding boners and they're coming up all the time, and you need notebooks and like you can't get.

Called to the front of the class.

Like I remember like trying not to talk to boys because I was so worried that they would get a boner and be embarrassed. Because I just wanted to prevent boys from being embarrassed because this thing would.

Pop up in your pants that you couldn't control.

It was like a rock and I couldn't believe it. It's been so long since I got a undesired boner, right, but I forgot that that was at one point in my life an issue. Like when I was in middle school.

What ever, I would go to school every day like fearing for my life.

You were in middle school, what was your thing, Brian? Well, when I was in middle school, I would get those boners and you know, yeah, you wouldn't want to be walking around with a boner and you had to figure out ways to cover it up with a textbook. I took so many AP courses because of that good country as a geography.

I had a friend who was at he was, like, you know, at some department store buying clothes with his mom, which is unrelated to what occurred to him. And you know, at some point, like he got the thing. And everybody ever got a mannequin. You probably a mannequin, some woman undressing a mannequin, and like every guy knows about like the tuck, like you you know, up in your up in your belt, up into your belt.

Yeah, does everyone do that?

Yeah? Yeah, the guys know about it.

I remember learning about it in high school. That's when I learned penises go more than just a right angle. They can go all the way up.

So you have to do that thing. And then he he was like Chris Tucker, he invented it. He was a guy. You're Chris Tucker.

Oh no, no, no, this is well, this is this guy's actually his name is Chris. Wait what happened?

I feel like I know that?

So you know when you like so you know, when you take off your shirt like, and you've got a T shirt underneath to try something on. He his mom was like helping him, like, you know, take off a shirt so that he could try on something else, and.

It was just they're peaking out and she was like, oh, Chris, oh my god, I can't believe you made the story that was about you about someone else and you just get it away at the end.

No, I didn't.

I'm just kidding it like everybody but you, like the guy's name was Chris.

But you know, that's that's a good way of doing it, to be like his name was also Christ that you.

Would Yeah, that's a great idea because no one would believe that you would just try to change the name.

To your No, that is good.

Also are embarrassed by jerking off until college. In high school it's embarrassing, and then college it becomes like I jerked off seven times today, and it becomes braggy, but at.

First the worst. Hannibal Burrs has a bit that he hates his nephew.

His nephew is always like, you're not famous, Hannibal, you're not famous stuff, and he goes, do you just jerk off?

And his cousin just like is in high school.

He goes, Shu, look like you just jerked off.

Because they always just jerked off and they're humiliated by it.

But then something shifts where then you become like, okay about talking about jerking off?

Is that true?

Yeah?

That would that that would be accurate. Switch. I don't recall that switch where it was all of a sudden we were bragging about our numbers.

Like where it wasn't the most embarrassing thing to have someone accuse.

You of it, you know, Yeah, but you know what, even it's still I think it would still be embarrassing if someone walked in on you for sure. Oh yeah, that's a totally story. I mean, that's I'm the worst thing you could possibly I resent.

I think women need to get on board with what men were doing a little bit earlier, where they were at least acknowledging that they all jerk off. I grew up in a time where women didn't talk about it at all, even their very best friends. No one had closer best friends than I did in high school that shared literally everything except that all my friends be jerking off, and no one told me about it, So I didn't even know it was a thing.

You could do. I had no idea they were teaching me how to make, you know, pipes out of pen.

Caps, but no one told me, Yes, my friend, I used to jerk off with my best friend.

That's how I learned to masturbate. What I need to be friends with? You how initiated it open?

We're all wrapped with Well, it's because we had access to like the Spice Channel and Playboy, so we kind of learned it from the models on there. And then her mom had this back massage that we kind of put everything all together and we would take turn, but like one of us would sit in front of the room and then the other one would do it in the back, and then we would just like switch. We would just be in the same room, and would you like orgasm? I don't remember, I think so, I know, I think probably Wow.

And how old were you?

I mean we were just like maybe fifth grade or something like that.

Jesus, because I remember watching the Spice Channel in eighth grade and then ninth grade and tenth grade. Huffy and I would watch Real Sex and I would just be so horny I couldn't even handle myself. In one time we were watching it and the couch started like moving like a little bit rhythmically, and we realized it was our friend's brother. We were on spring break and we were on the house with stilts and he was He and his friends were pushing the house to like make it shake because you could do that.

It was on stilts, and we.

Were both like, oh my god, this girl's humping next to me. But it was just Jay Holly doing that to the house.

Both have you thought the other one?

We were both because our friends had to go.

We just got in there for spring break all Kirston and Holla went to go walk on the beach to like meet boys or something, and Huffy and I discovered that you could watch scrambled porn, and so Huffey and I were kind of the pervs I think of the group, and so we stay back to watch scrambled porn and it was just going back and forth, and I remember looking over at Huffy like.

What the fuck, girl, Like, are you pulling a Noah?

How did you? How did you put it together that they were.

We both accused each other of it, like, no, I'm not doing it, you're doing it. The moment later on, Jay Holly was like we were talking about there was an earthquake or something last night, and he was like, where was us?

We were shaking the house.

And that was the time that we we went to Fort Myers, Florida, and Jay Holly was Holla's little brother. He was like four three grades below us, four grades below us, and and we were in high school, so he was in like eighth grade, and we used to call we used to call people Fox. We'd be like, he's such a fuck, and like they were just like a little annoying or something like that guy such a fuck. And so for his birthday, in front of his parents, we made a birthday card. And Jay Holly right now like runs tech companies, like he's he's actually like a genius.

And we wrote on his birthday card.

We knew that he wouldn't know and that like no one else would know, and we got into the habit of writing these long things that would just be acronyms, and so we wrote J H I T B F I A O F M and we wrote that and Jay Holly, so at the top of his birthday card we wrote that it was his birthday on spring break, and he opened up. He goes, he looks at it and he just scrolls along with his finger. J Holly is the biggest fuck in all of Fort Myers. And we were like.

And we were and the parents were like, why would you write that on his card?

Is that what that means?

And we're like no, We were like and but we he broke our code.

It was the same.

We were like, oh, that's what we knew. Jay was like special because we were in Fort Myers and he knew he was the biggest fucking.

Car.

The biggest is the same jobs for greatness. This was the same trip that we met all these like boys and we were like we one time we're trying to get a ride into town and there was.

Like a that was blasting, uh, come a lady, Come come, my lady, you must pull your flu sugar babe.

And I might have told this story before, but Halla.

You know my friend Holla, who is Jay's older sister, peas when she laughs too hard because she was born prematurely with like a not developed like I think Keegel system, so she couldn't. Once she starts peeing, the floodgates are open and there's no stopping the stream, which was proven one time when we were in high school and I was peeing and I couldn't hear what she was saying because she was in the next room and I was peeing, and I was like, I stopped my stream to go wait, what'd you say?

And she goes, what did you just do? I was like, what do you mean? She was like, why'd you just stop?

And I was like and because then I started again, she goes, you stopped and started, and I was like, wait, you can't do that. And we discovered that was her issue. It's the if it's open, all the pea's coming out. So Hollow would start laughing and her keegels would fail, her pe would come out. She would have to plug it with her heel. She would fall to the ground and plug it with her heel and put her hands over her head and go stop. Stop, you guys stop because we would be repeating whatever was making your laugh because we wanted her pee. And then if she if she stood up, the pe would all come flooding out, like like the only thing stopping it was her heel plugging it. So that was the only thing she had. So we got picked up by this guy. We got like a ride. You know, it's like stop standstill traffic. But we were like, we want to ride in this guy's convertible. So we're like, can we hop in? And it was like, come a lady, come, come on the front seat, and we were just whispering in her and we were obsessed with the word boner at this time, so we were like, come a lady, come, and we were sitting. This guy was like so c and he had no idea what these little fucks were doing in this car singing this song. But we were like, come a lady, come, come my lady, You'm a butter flat sugar bona.

And we just that and all was laughing so hard, and we knew she had peed. We knew the floodgates were open, so she was looked at us like you fucking idiots, but you was sitting so it didn't come out yet.

And then we finally get dropped off and she unleashes all in this guy's car. He doesn't even know it yet, and so she.

Just leaves a puddle of this guy's car.

He gave us a ride for like twenty feet, and we were it by saying, you have a butter fly sugar bona because we just used to be like, don't forget you. But we would do like a Jewish mother telling her, like we would always be like, make sure you put a rainslicker on your bona, it's very wet outside. Don't forget to take your bona to the school dance, like we would just let the fuck.

We were obsessed with.

The words bona. But we saw the bo na.

We named certain guys bonas.

We were like, he's such a bona. I just love to see that guy getting home and being like those girls paste.

In my phone. We're saying butterfly, sugar boner, really loud.

I probably thought it was premeditated, like we're just gonna ride in this car for five minutes pissing and leave in.

The bucket seat, and it's just like a bottle up line.

Hollow. We love you so much. Okay, we gotta go to break. Is that right?

Yeah, We're gonna go to break. We'll come back after this with more show. All right, we're back. So any headlines in your guys, is what's going on?

Aside from the fact that I learned that a dog really starts smelling worse after you wed it and after it's been sprayed by a skunk, not a lot, but that was a big revelation for me.

Well, you did just find some basement tapes of yours. You were at your parents' house, id to look at pictures and tapes.

Yeah, I was downsizing at the house throughout a whole car load of books and bullshit. I was like, wow, it really used to be quite literate. I had all these poetry books and textbooks.

But I got rid of all that bullshit.

But I did find some taste to read poetry.

Mm hmm.

That was my major.

Right.

It's strange like looking back at some of your old stuff and forgetting that that's who, like, those are the things, that's who you were, like.

I was now, Yeah, I know. I used to draw anime girls.

I was into that too.

I drew so many anime girls.

I was pretty good. I still can illustrate a little bit, and I'm trying to get back into it. But like back when I was in high school, I would draw anime girls and they looked I'm not they did look like a good anime girl. Like they did look like, why was it girls?

Why didn't you draw draw you know?

I guess he would have been gay. Yeah, were Sailor Moon like I watched I watched Sailor Moon. I guess. No. Sometimes I did draw like Dragon ball Z type guys. Those were the guys. But I would also draw like a girl with like big eyes, and you know, that's just what anime is, you know, it's not really like it wasn't truly like a sexual thing. I wasn't like jacking off to the anime drawings I.

Made, but anime, I just sketched this really quick.

That's like Disney.

Yeah, it's so hard to do a guy's mouth to me, Like women have these big beautiful lips you could draw, but how do you do a guy's mouth?

Brian, just do a line? Okay, one single line? Oh shit, he's gonna do that?

S oh no.

So the anime there is this there was this book that my brother and I had when we were really young, and it like maybe a video of like a video series or something, and it taught you how to just like draw cartoons and so and I never evolved past that, but I still can do like the type of guy that we used to do. And then I have friends that went to another grade school than me, and they would draw like skater versions of this, and so I can you could still draw these like horrible. I'm gonna try to do one.

I learned how to do Garfield with my brother.

Drawing is so fun and I always tried to get kids into it when I babysat, because you don't have to do anything.

They just sit with and draw. But kids don't even want to draw anymore.

I'm always like, let's just draw you just they sit there, they're working there like diligent.

There. I want a child who is obsessively drawing all the time.

What are some other things you were into as a kid that you like let go of. I don't think I relate to things I was into that I'm not into now. I guess Dave Matthews band and.

Like I don't want to draw because they can do everything on a computer now, like all all of their stuff is computerized. Here's a little bunny rabbit.

Oh wow, look at those are good. Brian dog I do some good And Chris, I've never seen you draw anything. I learned new things about this man every day that he used to be in the legos when he was a kid.

It's a little chipmunkie. Wow, you could get into that arts school.

They used to advertise in magazines where I like, you can draw this, lady, remember that? Yeah, you know what I just got speaking of things that like remind you of who you were one second.

You know, I also do animation, so like it's not crazy that I draw, but I even when you're doing animation, it's like drawing is useless.

I ordered this off eBay the other day because I was like, I just want to go on a nostalgia run. And it is seventeen magazine from August two thousand, Aniston. It's Anison. I went through all the covers to see which one I remembered. I really wanted to buy Adelia's catalog from the nineties late nineties, which do.

Not exist online.

If if anyone has one, I will buy one from you because I really want nostalga. This was like twenty five bucks, I think, but it's worth much. Well, you pay for twenty around maybe up to awards of fifty dollars if you can find one from nineteen ninety eight until ninety and two thousand, that's only God.

My sister's going to be so bummed. She just donated all these like vintage Jane magazines. And Sassy magazines and iod I know, but there was one with Magamari Presley.

On the cover.

Do we have time to do the quiz? We used to do the quizzes?

Oh, the quizzes are so fun. We should just like, let me just read.

Your handlin the seventeen the shit out of her though. Oh yeah, Annison looks almost older than she does now. And this which is really weird because in the nineties, like she doesn't she look like in her late thirties twenty two in that picture. Oh yeah, Sarah Michelle Geller was the face of Maybolene for so long. This was run probably until twenty fourteen, but this is from two thousand. This is pre nine to eleven. I love anything pre nine eleven, Like rite pre pre it says at the top seventeen magazine. Five lines that will get him talking? What what qu' really got to elicit his personality from this guy? And then what will you wear back to school? Three hundred plus ideas, Get a head start now, hair color, makeover all you need to get it right, boredom Busters fifteen super Solutions, and then it says action in sync star in their own movie. Then on the other side, it says the Ultimate Ponytail Guide. And then under that quiz will your love last? And then under that end quotes, no one believes I was raped? And this is literally the quote next to Jennifer Anderson's face, no one over her left shoulder, No one believes I was raped.

It looks like she said it, but that's not true.

And then under on Jennifer's arm, it says friends Jennifer Aniston, her style picks her web passion web with capitalized W web passion. Why she's mad for Brad's good to the quiz.

Quiz is exciting?

Okay?

God, the girls used to give us the quizzes in grades.

Waits to get okay, So is this everlasting love? Let's take it from me and Chris.

Is this everlasting love for Nicky and Chris?

Your new guy tags along on your cruise trip to water World to the movie water.

World in theater local water park water part capitalized water world.

Yeah, but I think it's just like a name, a generic name for a water park.

Was that a thing in the two thousands?

Let's see what the next part?

When they meet him, it's obvious they think you could do better. A you a see their point. He does look a little scrawny in the trunks. In trunks, boy B, you're slightly disappointed, but whatever, he's your soulmate, not there or see you aren't shocked. Your sporty friends just don't get his bohemian ways.

What God, the only is what does this even mean?

Number two? Your summer?

See which one?

I mean?

He's my soulmate, not theirs. I don't give a fuck.

Yeah, it doesn't come out.

August.

The film was ninety five, so it's not Kevin Costar's water.

Okay, Okay, that's thank you your summer?

Sweet picked? I picked b Okay.

I'm slightly disappointed in them, but he's my soulmate. I want them to like him. So I'm a little disappointed that they're like not good enough, But he's mine, not theirs.

It's always very clear what he's going to be.

What I have no idea? I have already lost what's happening?

What is this even about?

How do you win or lose?

Like?

Is there score at the end? Okay?

The question for the squiz is is this an everlasting love you met over slur piece and sunscreen? But will this romance fade faster? Than your tank. Hello summer love. Okay, number two. Your summer sweetie is taking Japanese next semester, so you suggest that the two of you go for sushi once the temperature drops. Oh A invites you to join him, and it ends at Benny Hannah this weekend. B declines one soccer season starts, he won't have time for a social life. See immediately makes a reservation for two for Labor Day.

Oh my god, well it's got to be c.

Yeah, Chris would make a reservation immediately. We need to try to make sure they have chicken kariaki.

The person who wrote this and sag how old were you? What were you thinking? Were you trying to hit a deadline? Were you bored? Your name is Jenna Siegel?

How Janna j A N A Sieagle s I E G A L.

Please investigate The scruffy go tee thing gives your new QUTI a mature luck. But you just discovered that he's actually two years your junior. Now you're thinking, A, you should introduce him to your best little sis or little bro, the biggest fucking oll of Fort Myers. B. He is way more mature than that than that senior You dated who'd perfected the art of burping the entire alphabet.

Okay, see, if he breathes a.

Word about his real age to anyone, you know, you'll sick the varsity team on him, football team on him.

Okay, this is very complicated personality.

Quick, how do you choose me? Because a good kisser? And it was like, you know, the simple, straightforward questions.

But like the all of these scenarios, I don't feel like I feel like this relates to like three people in America.

You two are on your way out for a day of go karts and ice cream when your guy receives a letter from his ex girlfriend who's away at Camp Granada again Campanada.

That I don't understand.

He a crams the heart Laiden envelope into the drawer with the rest of her unopened notes, b reads it out loud, trying too hard to make fun of her or see, chokes back tears, and tells you he needs to be alone.

For a while. What the fuck hurt?

What happened to you?

As you blade down the boardwalk one last time before school starts, your boy gush is about wanting to spend every upcoming vacation together you a explain that you're deathly afraid of airplanes, but offer your email address.

Okay, this is the first time.

This is the first uhss B tactfully mentioned that Thanksgiving and Christmas Christmas mean hardcore family time, but spring break is open.

Wait, that's also avoidant.

You so avoidant. Okay.

See make a mental note to start researching frequent fire plans and discount travel web sites. Websites are spelled W E B capitalized W and then space sites.

Everyone.

We are in the two thousands, this is just okay.

Piling into the suv thory two hour trip home from your friend Janet's beach house, you realize that one passenger is going to have a going to have it rough, going to have to rough it on the bus. When your boyfriend volunteers you a offer to keep in company, you'd be crazy to turn down even two more minutes of bliss minutes is in italics? Oh, w side with relief after three days glued to his side, you need your space or see. Consider tagging along on the bus, but opt to take the car ride home with your girlfriends. I hate this so much. Someone took this quiz gave themselves a score they had twenty seven, They got a twenty seven.

So for this girl a codependent and avoid it.

I mean a lot of this stuff. Oh, here's another quiz. Are you over the breakup? Let's just do one of these. His birthday was yesterday, you were in no mood to celebrate, and you sent him a a toadstool, two frog tongues, and a lock of your hair a secret potion to give him disfiguring acne.

What the fuck is.

Margaret b a goofy e card e card a goofy e card. After all, he took you on a sunset picnic for your birthday. See nothing, he didn't even remember.

It was the hand of the name.

Okay, wrote that one Margaret Magna N.

A A N A Magnarelli M A M N A N c R E L L I. And a lot of this magazine I haven't.

Looked through at all, But a lot of this name is Leslie Snorb.

What I'm so angry about?

Thirty ways to get him talking? Why were we raised with this stupid ideology that we're supposed to fucking pursue?

Man? This is what.

Let's look at ways to get him talking? Okay, Like This is why I bought this.

Cause I wanted to you know what I recently read, There's been this whole influx of memes about this is why. This is why every millennial girl has a fucking eating disorder because this. We were told Jessica Simpson was obese in this picture, and we were told, uh, you know, Fergie was fat in this picture, and it is true. You look back and you go, no one would ever say they're fat now ever. We you know, people say fat behind closed doors, but no one is openly mocking and saying fat on in publications.

Like they used to.

And so I was interested to look back and see how I was brainwashed at this very innocent time of my life.

Yes, but don't you think that the people that are writing this are just like young idiots too, like they don't know what's going on?

No, I think we yeah, but they were all brainwas We were all brainwashed like this was the way it was. I mean even not so long ago. What did I just say the other day, that was like a few years ago. Oh, the thing about Lindsay Lohan getting mocked by or uh my Cyrus was mocking Shenade O'Connor and her mental health, just like in twenty fourteen on Twitter and being like and Shine O'Connor had kind of put Miley on blast. So she was referencing that, but it was like it didn't age well at all. It would never happen. Now times are changing. Oh, it's an ad for a cell phone, go Hollywood with Nokia.

On the shitty phones. It's so funny. I mean, it's so fun to see this stuff.

Hold on.

Oh, and this is a ad for the Runaway Bride. Oh remember that movie.

Hate.

Things are happening right now too that we're going to look back on in like six years and be like, holy smoke.

I know what were we doing?

Yes, I mean it's uh, there's some things that yeah, you do.

I Anya just send an article actually to us about how trigger warnings have actually done a disservice to young girls because they've been protected from anything that could ever cause them any harm. Not really, I mean, I don't think trigger warnings really work that well. They just say it and then everyone keeps reading. But if if adolescents want to be protected from anything that causes them any discomfort, they can, And so now they are actually adults and these they're being. They're like witnessing things that are like shocking, and they can't handle it. They have no defense to it because they've always had your systems.

So Jana Siegel, I cannot find it anywhere. I even looked up her face, but I can't find Jane. Margaret Magnerelli is a real person. She currently works for either Monster dot com or some food website. She's a content and senior director. But one thing interesting about Margaret Magnarelli is she helps define the words snarky. She's responsible for the words snarky partial Magnarelli. If you go into miriam Dictionary when it says example, and go under the entry for snarky under the example sent instances, Margaret Magnarelli is one of the first people to use the word in a publish work.

That's a big deal. Thanks Magna. Sorry I thought you were a pseudonym.

If your coworker confronts you, admit you were wrong, but don't over explain your snarky comment, she may get angrier. Margaret Magnerelli Glamour Magazine, April two thousand and two. So that's all I know about her.

A ton of great content in here, Oh, Jen Aniston, Pit, stop the whole thing.

Kate Bush, was you there, Kate Bus, Kate Moss.

Oh, Kate Moss, Yeah, she's all up in here.

Loved her.

But it's amazing that a writer for Snark, for a seventeen magazine would make such an impact on our lives. You know, I know something just like oh, somebody's oh. I thought maybe they were marking that page. No, so I know the guy who's how much was this magazine?

Like twenty?

What? Yeah?

Would you wanted at eBay? I'm going to get more. I want to I want to get You know, I was thinking about what was I reading when I was in the two thousands. I might not have been reading seventeen magazine because in two thousand I was sixteen, and so I might have been like, you read seventeen when you're thirteen, you read Cosmo when you're sixteen. So I think I might get teen Vogue or something like. I don't know what I was reading at this time, but I did remember this. I was trying to find one. Oh god, girls, you remember teen magazines? How boring were the fashion spreads that would fill up like thirty pages of just.

We had like six posing.

Her month to look at.

Yeah, oh so the.

Guys version of seventeen was you know, I'm gonna say, we're illustrated Maxim No Maxim. Yeah, so you would get MAXIM And the back half of MAXIM was just endless ads. It was like an unending stream of ads. I was like, is this a magazine or is this just like a commercial?

Wasn't MAXIM really responsible for men's early eating disorders in the nineties and early odds?

Maxim has never done anything wrong to anyone, nobody.

All they did was give us great content and women.

I am not joking. You look at this dress right now. Look at this dress.

Okay, it's a spaghetti strap rainbow colored holy shit, or.

Oh my god, it looks like it looks like a multi colored. It looks like an old school uh like you know when you're a kid and you can get like a black dots on it.

And it wa same dress. That's so the style in here, you realize, is not that different than the style now. And then look at this technology cutting edge, technology edge. It says at the top it is a personal TV TV to go. It is the size of the Game Boy screen. It is black and white and this is the leading technology in two thousand. We've advanced so much, but all the stars are the same.

Really, that company got skunked by the iPhone or the iPhone got skunked by them who stole Who's copyright?

Oh skunked?

Yeah?

I mean, and look at this. This is one of the most disgusting things I could ever think of. It made me go.

Yes, because everyone knows I don't like socks and like sticky or like wet and socks.

Who likes wet and stock socks? Right, this is an ad for wet and socks. Well, Kirsten used to put her socks in her mouth and be like, you didn't I did, think, and I'd be like, stop doing that, And it wasn't because it was like.

Her foot touched it. It's like the cotton of the thought. Plus like pulling on it with your teeth is disgusting to me. So this ad made me viscerally sick yesterday. It was a sock and there's a rice crispy clog that is on the sock. The stickiness of that is repulsive.

I mean, it looks like it's like a human excrement coming from the sock.

It's not why would anyone go, I'm really hungry for a rice Crispy after seeing.

That that is the biggest Like, why did they think that that would sell more? Is that what it is? Is for rice krispy trees? Yes, I think why did they think? Yes, some cool socks stepping on.

A white Chris tree? Great strapless sandals great? Is as great as strapless Japanese sandals.

Best.

When eaten, you can tell that they came up with this ad campaign, like we'll have a two different things. We'll say it's cool when it's this, but it's bad that it is, Oh my god, and that's our whole pitch. And then at the very end there's always like one.

Page where it's like star style and it says vintage Chloe.

Boys don't cries seven Ye Chloe Sevinyer puts together today's hottest looks from fashion's coolest parts, and this was didn't she give.

A real blowjob on screen?

Yes?

And bad Bunny or something?

What is it? Bunny brown, Bunny, check it out, Bad Bunny Jim. What I've leaned from this is that we're still obsessed with the same stars. There's pink in here, there's Jessica Alba. There's j And I'm not gonna even say. There was a whole article that I buzz past about Columbine and if it's too soon to sell the video and there isn't a video that they ever sold, but they made a whole thing about it, and I, yeah, I would.

Have liked to see that, you know, as a Columbine hunt myself. Freddy Prince Junior.

Look at all these stars, Christina Aguilera, they're all still stars.

Matt Damon, Freddy Prince, who is that?

Remember her?

She was a huge star.

She was in Will Fresh Prince.

I think, right, oh, yeah, that's right, Angelina, Jolie, Laura Prepon.

You know who's back? Who?

I thought he's retired And look, yes, I.

Know he's back. Someone told me that they think that books he likes forty or in? Sorry was he in?

He was in with the Black Mirror and he was great in it and that what he sawman?

Yeah, he where did he go? I thought he had retired from and I know.

He he's so fucking good.

Yeah, but he chose to retreat from the spotlight or not take huge, huge roles. And but yeah, he's been in some choice things over the years of man he looks great.

Okay, we'll want to I'm just.

Going to bring him. For Taylor Swift, he wanted to focus on his family life. Is what it says?

Oh is he married?

In an interview WOA, he marries h an English actress named taz Uh tams and Edgerton in twenty twelve.

What is everybody stance on Taylor Swift? Is everybody completely bought in on this?

Twenty twenty one, I'm I'm reaching a point where I'm changing, but I don't feel this is a safe space.

You're changing away from her reaching was on board.

I'm reaching a point where I'm I'm like, is there any other music? Like I spent half an hour in a Starbucks two days in a row, and I didn't hear any song that wasn't a Taylor Swift song. And then I started to be like, this is annoying. That's it's just like all you they can't play Billy Joel for half an hour or you know, uninterrupted, and I should. And I might even argue that Taylor wouldn't wouldn't back that choice by business.

So I think that she doesn't want to be the only musician. I think that she I don't. I know that everyone's like she's calculated to be the place that she is today. Which there.

I even saw a clip the other day that was saying, do you ever get tired of the fame and everything? And she was I really liked it. I think I sent it to you, Anya, or maybe I didn't, because sometimes I like go overboard with sending you Taylor Swift stuff. But she was like, I would be so stupid to like all I ever dreamed of was being in a restaurant and having people be like I can't wait to meet you, and like wanting to line up at my table to meet me as a kid. So now that it's happening, I can never ever say I'm tired. She goes, yes, I do get tired, but I don't get tired of it, and I will never complain about it because this is what I asked for.

And I really like that.

Yeah, that's actually a cooler stance than most people. Yeah, this is what so many things that people complain about. It's like, you asked for this me all the time. That's really what you shinned up.

I thought of my own thing, like I was in a bad mood yesterday doing something I asked to do, and I was like, shut up, you asked for this, and so I I that clip showed up to me in the right perfect moment of like, yes, I'm allowed to get tired. I'm allowed to get a little grumpy, but like, you always wanted this, and this is what you dreamed of and maybe it isn't exactly what you thought it was going to be, but like, so what your dreams came true?

So why did you ask? Chris?

I'm just curious. Noah, you're all in right.

I mean, I'm like eighty five percent in Okay, I'm working my way towards one hundred.

I will even say that I'm a little overwhelmed by I'm sick of seeing people's what I'm sick of. And I just want to be clear about this. There is no part of me, which I would have predicted there would be a part of me being like, oh, so now you all like her. I've been on board since whenever, and now you're finally on board. There is a tiny part of me that does say, oh, guess who was right? Looks like I've been right the whole time because she's the most popular artist that will in a couple months ever have existed. She's going to beat out everyone that's ever existed. It's imminent, and it's going to happen. In terms of sales, in terms of concert goers, it's going to happen.

So I always get bothered when if there's something that I I'm like, oh, that's kind of feels like it's mine, yes, and then it goes into a movie and then everybody's like I love this song and it's like, oh, that was just sort of like my thing, and now everybody loves it because it was like in Stranger Things or something, and You're like, I have this sort of stinks. Do you get like a feeling of that of like, no, I'm.

So happy that she that everyone feels what I feel because I the feeling of being a swiftye and enjoying her music and feeling like, oh my god, this song makes me feel a certain way or represents this feeling I had that I didn't even know I had, and like the love I feel and the I want everyone to feel that It's been this thing that I've been like, why isn't anyone else getting on board with this? It's a fucking great feeling. I'm not like, I'm a pretty basic girl. Why aren't other girls getting on board? And so to see it happening is awesome, but stop bragging about your concert going experience.

And I also does that mean, though, what your counselor Because I'm just.

Tired of seeing people's posts about the Taylor Sworfts shows. I haven't posted nine separate main feed posts. I did one main feed post about going to Taylor Swift. I do post on my stories, but I don't want to hear about like I don't want you to pretend like you've been a swifty the whole time.

Let us know that you've been changed.

I like that to go.

I didn't I know what I before.

I wasn't on board and now I'm on board, But don't like act like you've been there the whole time, even.

Though actually I don't give a fuck. Just get on what are supposed to do.

Well.

And I actually didn't like when this happened.

Emily Rodazowski was like, I used to not like her because I thought something popular wasn't cool, and it turns out people were right, And I kind of was like, oh, I didn't like it because anytime any celebrity mentions Taylor Swift, they get their name in a fucking article with Taylor Swift and it goes everywhere.

So everywhere. I was saying, Travis.

Kelcey tries to give Taylor Swift his number, the Chief's quarterback tries to give Taylor Swifter's number, and I was like, get your fucking name, get her name out of your mouth. I like, hold a fucking Will Smith about it.

I like you said, though, Nikki said she doesn't want to learn anything about Taylor Swift from anybody except for Taylor Swift.

Yes, that is it.

That's all.

Taylor Swift tells us everything we need to know in her songs. We get more than enough from her. Stop trying to invade her life and make assumptions. I've done in the past. I'm done to it. But I will say I don't like celebrities mentioning Taylor Swift so that they can get an article, because we all know now if you put Taylor Swift in anything, it will get picked up by the press. And yes, you can say, well, Nikki, you've been in things about Taylor Swifts. I didn't mean to get picked up by press by my mentions of Taylor Swift. I didn't calculate it to be like, I'm going to talk about Taylor Swort's on my podcast because it's a popular thing and maybe able to get people talking about. Like I don't try to jump onto her thing to get my same more by latching onto her.

I only latch onto her because I love her.

And I think some celebrities I'm not calling out Emily Radazowski or Travis Kelce, but I think they they position themselves to get a headline because they mentioned her, and I think that's gross and I don't like it. And you weren't a swifty before, I don't like you. I am the biggest celebrity swifty or one of the biggest. I would argue to say, I'm not the biggest celebrity that's the swifty by far.

I'm not.

There's much bigger names, but I am the most the biggest swifty that is in the celebrity realm. And if you have, if anyone, I would think that I would totally honor anyone else throwing their hat in the ring.

Come at her.

I think I might just want to say that. I feel like maybe I'm the biggest.

Swifte c Oh, yeah, we didn't even get to you.

I've I've been a fan since twenty two thousand and six. I actually knew her in middle school.

And you're the biggest swiftye of somebody who's gotten multiple ideas stolen from him by Hollywood.

I'm I bet you have not.

I'm even, by the way, I'm a late swifty. Most Swifties would be like, you only got on board during nineteen eighty nine. Where the fuck were you? Like, she was around for a really long time and doing arenas for before I was on board. So I'm even late to the game. So I don't put grudge anyone being late to the game. Just actually, I take back everything I said. If you like Taylor Swift, talk about it. I don't give a fuck.

Gates open, gates open, come on.

In, let's enjoy her together. You don't need to know all her lyrics. It's not a competition. Even though I just said I'm the biggest celebrity Swift, I really actually don't care.

I promise you I don't. I don't. That is not a crown I want to wear. I'm embarrassed of it.

Kind of I don't want Taylor Swift to associate me with like a person that is just like an obsessive fan. So I'd like her to see me as a normal person. I just enjoy her music a lot, and everyone can, and it's open. There's someone that can start listening to Taylor Swift today that has never heard of her before, and they could be a bigger Swifty than me tomorrow, just based on how they.

Resonate with her. So that is a word. But no, there's so much swifty stuff I don't know.

There's many songs of tailors that I don't know, So I'm not like the best, most educated swifty. It's not about that for me. It's just about how her music makes you feel. And if you love her and want her to be happy, do you feel like she's cast a spell on people? Not not in like a malicious way at all, but like there is something else going on. My mom turned to me during a concert and said, everyone here is in love with her. Everyone's gay for her here, every woman here wants to be with her. When we were at the show, she goes every woman wants to sexually be with her.

She'dn't say sexually, but.

That was what she meant, Okay, we gotta go with lesson to learn? Is you know we all know now that we all got crowns, and I think you just need to calm down.

Ah right, all right, that was adorable. Thank you for listening to show today. Thank you Chris gott Me for being here. I love you, and thank you, an You, Thank you Brian. Think you know what My shows are on sale now, Nikki Glazer dot com. Come see me in Chicago at the Chicago Theater September fifteenth. But I have so many shows all around the country that you can come see me at. I'm so excited. I'm leading up to taping a special, so be a part of that magical thing that happens in the months leading up to a special where every audience laughter informs what I end up shooting. So I would love to see you guys there. I love you, besties. Thank you for listening to the show. Don't be Ka and Di Di Di Digit. I was trying to think of the Taylor shows lyric but I failed.

There's no just once.

I'm sure the word just I am a Taylor s Frift lyric search engine that I could have to type in the word just just dance, just dance, we'll be okay.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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