#361 Jazz, A Rag Bag, Stuck in "Waiting Mode" & The Truth About Joke Thieves

Published Jul 26, 2023, 11:00 PM

Nikki wonders what people find compelling about Jazz. They find the best explanation in a Kyle Dunnigan joke. Brian wants to play piano in front of people and not be annoying before he turns 40. Anya has more insight into her creepy ice skating performance as a child. Brian might never get rid of his little bag of rags. Nikki explores the phenomenon of "waiting mode". Nikki and Anya run at different speed modes. Nikki tells a story about making a guy blush at a cafe which leads to a conversation about modern dating. Unbeknownst to Nikki, it was a big deal to meet Jeremy Renner after her comedy set. In the Final Thought, Nikki shares her brand of honest strong opinions about comedians who supposedly steal jokes and why a gradual rise to fame is best.

--

Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod

Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record

Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour

Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina

Brian’s Animations: youtube.com/@BrianFrange

More Nikki: IG

More Anya: IG

More Brian: IG

More producer Noa: IG 

The Nick A. Gliser Podcast. Glaser, here's Nikki. Hello here, I am.

Welcome to the show. It's a Nick Glazer podcast.

I hope you all had a good week. I am here with by myself in this room, but joining me on the podcast is as always Brian h Noah.

Coming in like a jazz radio station today.

I know I don't feel as tired as my voice sounds, but yeah, it was a little bit like, Hi guys, welcome back to podcast.

Right.

Yeah, it's a little da coming up after the I couldn't think of any jazz singer Herbie Hancock, wait, Jesuzz just piano, Josh Coltrane, John Coltrande, Ron Ja Me, Kat Callaway in college and it was one.

Of the best classes I ever.

All we did was watch ken Burns's PBS documentary about jazz, and if you watch one ken Burns series, you are because first of all, it is like a college course. It takes so long to get through. They're so long, and if you're paying attention and taking notes, you learn. You do learn a ton. And I think it should qualify you as being able to talk about things that other people can, like the Civil War. If you got through that baseball.

What else?

The watch that one? I remember Ken Burns jazz thing taught me that jazz came from basically jizz. I mean, it's it's another word. It's a euphemism for sex.

Remember that did I did I sleep through that class? How did I not hear that? That was be the only thing I could retain? I know that's what I recall. I just remember being deep attracted a wind Winston Marcellus, Winton Marcellus, God, he was hot. I just remember being like, okay, I have feelings for this, like older man, and I was like a college It was just yeah, he was really hot in that documentary. I don't know, the light just everything was popping off in his little interviews he would come on and it was just a calming presence. Never got into his music, never even looked into it even for one second. I just jazz has never interested me at all.

To Winston Marcellus.

I grew up with wynd and Marcellus because my dad, My dad loves him so much, so that was always Sunday mornings was Wint Marcellas and then like comics in the paper, like spread out on the living room floor. And then my mom making crapes. She would always make crapes.

Can you sing a Winton Marcella song?

Can you like?

No?

I think it's instrumental. I think he's I mean, can you.

Even like Hummet?

No?

Not at all?

What do you play?

I think trumpet? I don't know my dad's a trumpet.

I mean is along the lines of heavy metal for me? And like, I don't, I don't. It's easier for me to get than maybe death metal. I don't mean to put heavy metal and death metal together, but to me, they're the same thing. I don't know the difference in terms of I don't understand how one could like that more than anything else. But could you maybe enlightened?

It's an acquired taste jazz. You just gotta keep listening, baby, to like.

Something you don't have to. But my dad grew up in the fifties with like conservative parents. But they what about how he's.

Like old timey music. He's like you think about old time music where it's like he's spinning like one of those records. He's like turning it with his hand and he's like and his parents are like, get that racket down, and he's like.

This is our music.

Mom, and this is cool, not like your violin and ship. It's like a nickel in my pocket and a penny in my dreams. And he's just like rocket. And then he's like, why did every song used to have talking about nickels? There was a nickel in every song. If you had a nickel back in the day, you were doing good. And uh, but it was just so funny, how like, yeah, your dad was rebelling with jazz music.

Like it was just so crazy.

It was rebellious. I mean, you know, it's black music started in the South.

And watched the whole ken Burn series.

Huh.

I think what's cool about Benny Goodman started it is there aren't there aren't rules of jazz, you know. So it's a lot like comedy. Where are we just talking about this the other day? Am I having dejah?

I'm just kidding.

No, it's so you hate it. I don't hate it. I just there's there's nothing for me to sing to. There's nothing for me to like. I like memorization. I like, yes, there's a part of comedy that I can see how I really like when people I don't watch crowd work clips. It does it's not interesting to me because I could never do it because I'm not improvisational. I don't like it.

What about Sinatra? Like that?

Look at this table over?

I mean he knew. Yeah, well I guess it's jazz. But it's like that stuff.

Yeah. Sometimes yeah, it's like and it's like there.

I think sometimes jazz trios and quartets or whatever, their goal is to dare you to like it, Like I dare you to enjoy that. We're not gonna play any sort of melody at all. Some of these aren't even fucking notes. They're just screeches that we're scratching the edge of the second.

We're daring you. How cool are you? I need to stay and listen to this because only the coolest people would.

But do you relate to that?

Of Like, I don't like things that I can't see myself in some realm being able to do. If I was just if you just turn the dial up on my talent, I could be Taylor Swift, you know, Like, that's probably why I like it. It's in the wheelhouse that I have no access to, but it's I could see the wheelhouse coming up with like a jet. Like even yesterday we were listening Brian was over at my ranch place and there was like a guy playing what was he playing on guitar or a piano.

Pianel I Will by the Beatles? Who knows how long I Love You?

And it was good and it was like he was kind of playing around with it and doing a lot of fun.

Rifts and stuff amazing.

It was singing it though, and Brian was like, this is my goal, would be able to like play this good. It's not it wasn't like crazy good. It was just it was good enough to play at a wedding. It was happening at a wedding nearby. So I'm on this ranch where there's lots of weddings happening every weekend, and you could just hear them in the distance. They're like one hundred feet away. You hear speeches like pople go and then silence, and you're like that joke didn't do well and or people are crying or something like that. But we heard this beautiful music and Brian was like, that would be my ultimate goal. Because you play piano, Brian, right, and you just want to be able to what's your ultimate goal with the piano, Like what's the setting that you picture yourself like killing it in what song are you playing and what's the vibe.

It's one of my forty under forties is to be able to play piano for thirty straight minutes in front.

I thought you had thirty straight white men.

I want to play piano for thirty straight white men without getting turned on at all. I want to play piano for thirty straight minutes in a strange like in a public setting where there's only strangers and no one tells me to stop, like it's not annoying.

Right, Yeah, the guy at the airport who sits down at the like community piano and it's like what the fuck?

Yeah, I want people to be like pleasantly like, oh that's nice, so that's a nice piano.

Like I'm not going to do that, Like do you know where you're going to do that?

Oh?

Yeah, Well there is one location that I know is a possibility, and that is l a X. Because they have a piano in l A X and it's just sitting out there. It's in some sort of bar, but it's just it's out there, clear and available for if someone really knows how to play piano, they can sit there and play. And I'm sure everyone will be happy about it, So that's one possibility.

I'm also the idea of.

You buying a plane ticket just so you can get it, because you can't just this isn't the nineties. You can't just walk into an airport. You got to buy a ticket. You'd buy the cheapest ticket, like a flight to one way to San Jose.

Yes, right, yeah, yeah, no, I want to play there.

I'm also hoping that one day I'm in like hotel or something and there's a lobby and there's a piano there and then I just sit down. But they're really I mean, would be amazing. I'm sure you guys can relate to this. But like, the real nice thing about piano and guitar is that it is an instrument that you could play in the background and it's fine. Like when I was growing up, I played the trumpet, and I just wish my dad would have told me when I was twelve years old that no one's gonna want to hear me play the trumpet after I'm thirteen years old.

Want something us You're in a band with Wynton Marsalis.

Well yeah, that's for sure. Yeah, but I was never going.

To be excited about. I'm sorry, I don't.

I don't think you can't solo in an airport.

It's the thing that wakes you up in the morning to go do boot camp, like a right.

My wife's my wife's dad plays trumpet.

He's in bands and stuff, and that's good, like playing in a band where it's acceptable. But you can't be at like a party and just play. Hey guys, I brought my trumpet and to play. You know, a fucking These are different goals.

You know, a trumpet player, you're a guy much like myself, who like, well, this is why you do comedy. You want the attention on you. You want to people to like what you're doing, and you want it to be kind of a solo endeavor.

You don't.

You don't mind a band, sure, but you want to be the main person providing the entertainment.

I mean, it's very it makes sense.

I think there are trumpet players who are like I would never need to just like play. I don't want to play at a party. That would be like so weird.

But trumpet players do. I would say a lot of them. They live for a solo. Like my dad is the head of a band, a big band. He plays trumpet, and it's all about like he loves the collaborative thing. But when he nails a solo, we will hear about it. I nailed the solo, you know, and that's hard to solo on trumpet.

No, I just imagine.

I'm sure he plays another instrument too, if he loved so, Like, does he play piano or guitar?

My dad plays a little piano.

No guitar. He plays a tiny, tiny piano, A little piano, okay does because I don't understand why people who would crave that kind of spotlight would do something that wouldn't give them that. But I guess we all crave like we all kind of protect ourselves with Your dad might actually be scared of the solo and only one at once in a while.

I think he is. But he loves the band. He loves being in a band. He kind of loves being the band leader. He loves being like we're doing an arrangement of dusty Springfields in the mills of your mind.

I got it arranged.

By the Chuck Berry or whatever you know.

Yes, in the in the trumpet community, like they have like their big deal trumpet guys or girls.

Oh for sure, you're yeah, really, yeah, Chuckman, Yeah.

Can I just say when I was in high school, I was in the high school jazz band. I played trumpet and I had a solo in one of the songs. I forgot what song it was, but I remember thinking, I am not good at soloing, and we're gonna have a concert in front of all of our families and I'm gonna have to get up in solo during this. And I remember getting up and playing the solo and thinking, wow, I just did a terrible job soloing. That was really embarrassing, and I sat back down. What I did not know is that they were recording that performance and putting on a CD for everyone to have what and I forgot about this thing? And then ten years later I find the CD and I'm like, oh, I remember the jazz band being pretty good. We really a pretty good jazz bit. And then I go and listen to the song and man, that solo is much worse than I remember it being In person. It was like a fucking disaster. I wouldn't even know if I was. It was like I was in a different room playing practicing scales the band itself.

It was so bad.

That's humiliating.

It's like my ice skating tape where I pretended to faint when I tripped, and that exists. Makes me the same here, I'm leaving my body.

Okay, just tell it, and I'm going to go somewhere else because this one makes me so uncomfortable. Wait, is this the part we're doing a skating routine?

To my heart belongs to daddy. First of all, that's the grossest part that it's like a strip of song.

I'm a sex worker, but I'm nine and is a chair.

Yeah, my dad is reading exactly on a folding chair, reading the New York Times or something in a.

That's what his character is doing. He's like a part of this.

Okay, yes, and I have a boa, A boa.

I forgot about all these details. The fainting part is worse enough, but then you add all of this a perfectly a turd.

I just remembered I was wearing fish nets. Dude, discuss fish nestalotard and a boa. I'm like skating around my daddy.

So you mind fillatio on your dad and then Nikki.

I would not go them. I painted on my fainting. I mean, it's close to God only knows what they made these girls do it another just one generation removed. We've progressed so much past this, this would be insane to do nowt communities would be fine. But okay, So what what happened next? So I'm only ten or twenty seconds into the routine? I do you were going to be used to say ten or twenty years old? I don't really remember.

I think I was nine or ten. No, I was like ten or eleven. I had not gotten boobs yet, but just on the brink of what do you guys call it in your little group and dire. I was just on the brink of being And I'm doing a few back crossovers and I'm getting ready to do my axl or whatever, and then I trip over something silly, like maybe my boot. So I'm not even doing anything remotely hard and I trip and I just like face plant. And the ice has just been zambonied, so it's like completely slick. No one has skated on it, which means when you fall, you really fall far, like you're just like skating far, like a slip and slide, whereas if the ice has been skated on.

You, you don't kind of a couple of feet.

Yeah, so I'm like fifteen feet you're like skating on your hockey table puck, just like cat just sliding, but fainted.

And during that moment, everything slows down in my mind and I'm like.

This was such a stupid fall that you have to act like you.

Fainted and something went awry, because like no one would fall this. So I just pretend I'm unconscious, and there's just like.

My music just keeps playing. My dad isn't aware. I can't. I need There's a price that I would pay to see this. It is more money than I spend on Taylor Swift tickets to see this video because I.

Got to ask my dad where it is.

There is a video of it?

Yeah, it exists.

What Anya?

Anya? Find you a solo audio? And we need this video?

Yeah?

And I did give you.

Did I ever play you the audio of me like talking to my dad about that? No? I went home and I asked him about it. Let me see it?

Why did she make me do?

Can you hear that? And you thought it was creepy too?

I thought it was creepy, very creepy. If I said, I hope nobody else is creepy.

She made you dress up in a suit.

I don't think I went on the ice.

Yes you did.

She had you part of the routine.

You were sitting on the ice wearing a suit, reading a newspaper and I was fucking skating around you fish nets, going my heart belongs to daddy. What the fuck? Christ, I'm glad that most people are dead.

That's a great line, that.

Is, did you do? What happened afterwards?

Did people like come up to you and you had to pretend like or were people kind of just like, get up, girl, we know what is.

I think eventually I got up. I was like, I'm not fooling anyone, and I finished out the routine and it was so embarrassing, and you know I got last place, of course, and it was just that moment like you had, Brian, of like, I'm sure if I watched the video it would be so much worse than I thought.

It was all our sort.

I'll see if it exists.

The first time I remember of this, Like I remember Dane Cook had a bit about if you trip and then you look back and you go like like you lat or what do you do? You get like mad with you trip, like because you're so embarrassed like things. Instant embarrassment causes you to have these like spikes in your emotions, so people would dinko get a bit where like any time anyone trips are like what the fuck like, but it's like.

Yeah, who put that sidewalk there?

But I remember the first time I ever heard that kind of idea was Kirsten, my friend from high school. We were in like French class in eighth grade, and I think maybe John Reiner, I forget who, someone John Dalberg or something was leaning back in his chair too far, like trying to be like cool, you know, like leaning back and like had his leg like kind of on the desk and then it fell back.

He fell back all the way and then he was like, that was fun I want to do it again.

Like you wished to try it, And it was just like I just remember her pointing out that that's what people do and they're embarrassed and thinking that's so funny, what a great observation. I was like, I'm gonna I'll be a comedian someday and steal that. I think that's what planted the scene. But I was just like, that was the first time I'd ever heard anyone call that out. And so I think we started making fun of people that would do something embarrassing and be like, well, you gotta do it. It's like, really, that was actually fun. I'm embarrassed all and you're like bleeding from the head down. Okay, I gotta go to break, but we'll come back with more after this. All right, we're back, Brian. Before the show, you had an announcement. You said something and I said, save it.

Okay. I don't know if this is worthy of a show, but I have I have a bag, and in the bag are all these uh little uh you know these things, these like thread free cloths.

Oh yeah, they're for wiping.

Yeah.

Anyway, I was looking through the bag of cloths. I have a lot of them. I took them out. Actually I have more than all.

Of the I can't see your camera right now for some reason, but like all of the cloths are like little things that you get from sun, Like, oh I see it now, all the like to clean sung lessons and stuff.

To gather them in that bag.

With electronics, and I just as to keep my bag yesterday.

No, no, no, like.

Little bags to put things in.

No, don't you dare say that about.

Okay, so oh boy, okay, okay, So.

This one is uh, this one's like fucking twenty years old or something.

This is from me, you ned more than one.

This is from vision because in case I I don't know, but this one's from Vision People, which is a now out of business eye care store from on Long Island. And the last time I went to Vision People was well over twenty years ago. So now I have this, I have a red relic. Yeah, I'm gonna throw it out anyway.

Okay, there you go.

Okay, that's what I was gonna say before the show, just in case anyone was wondering.

About my.

Desk.

I never use those.

Anya always has them to wipe her glasses, and her glasses are probably scratched free. I use whatever is around to clean off sunglasses or any kind of camera lens. I bin say a SOS pad, anything that it's It's caused me so much strife in my life. I don't know, I don't learn, but it's better than a smudge.

I guess these microfiber cloths, is they really fucking work? Otherwise I would lose them. But I do covet them, and when I come across and I'm like, snatch it. I mean, I could see why you have a coterie of.

Thing made of them? Yes, why aren't more things like why aren't more shirts? Like these are short? People wear glasses? You could always cleanse it for a guitar. Great idea, yes, yes, better for a guitar. Again, I would just clean it with something that my mom. I just hear my mom's voice.

Don't clean it with that.

No, it's my dad's voice. Do you ever like hear a voice and you go like, who is scolding.

You for this?

Nick?

Scratch it?

Oh god, scratching it up? It was like my whole childhood is that some version of that?

What do you do?

You're just row in.

Debt and just being like, Okay, I don't I can't have nice things. I'm a sloppy mess on the family, kids, I would one hundred percent do that. I scold people all the time for things that I do. It's like, that's you become your parents. That's why I don't want kids. There's no chance that I would even be close to being a better parent than they were in those moments. I do the same exact thing because they condition makes dogs don't know know nothing, and they get yeah, and my dog's not cleaning up anything ever, like my dog's ever trying to be a better dog. These are all moments where I was trying to help and do something and and I failed at it. And this is why I don't clean my room, is why I don't clean bathrooms because I do everything wrong anyway, and I always mess it up. More why would I try to do the right thing? So then I would leave it or a rone, I would leave it alone.

And.

The other day, I know, I would leave alone and then oh yeah, and I would see the rest of the.

Make it.

Yeah, I would just make it work, or my mom would do it for me. And then that's how I grew up to be, to have a room that is completely in disarray all the time, and uh yeah, but it's an organized chaos and I like that. Where when I found out that those two words together, it really brought me a lot of peace. And the more I've looked on ADHD memes on Reddit, which is what my boyfriend and I often share those because he has a different kind. I think he has more advanced ADHD than me, but he's like he has found so much solace in these memes that make him feel so much less alone. I've never seen someone so comforted by memes. But he's like, I saw another meme today that I thought was just me, but it's ADHD And it's like it's so freeing for people to have a label to put on things. We hate labels, but it makes you feel like such, not like an anomaly or a freak. And again, it makes you feel like it's not your fault, that it's something outside of you, when really everything, no matter what it is, is not your fault and outside of you. Know, free will Bengo card. But I just see him all the time feeling so much better, Like, oh my god, he is a thing. I don't know if you guys relate to this. If you, I probably brought it up before because it does it. I don't relate to it. And I'm kind of almost mad because I fit a lot of ADHD things, but not this one. If he has an appointment later that day, he can get nothing done until the appointment, Like it's sitting there and he's like, I have a three o'clock dentist appointment. I'm gonna get so much done before then, I'm gonna wake up at nine, and it's just it's that appointment is all that exists that day, even though there's a full day before it.

You are all nodding your heads.

I can't relate to that at all, and I think I would have no sick in my life if I had that. That seems very tough. What's he doing before the appointment that I don't know. I think maybe tidying around the house, like just or like watching Netflix or something, napping or like it's just I guess the feeling is I can't speak for him, but I will and continue to the rest of our lives with a lot of authority and just shortness that I'm getting it right. But he, I'm guessing, would say that it's just all that he can. There's nothing else to do that day. If he has an important thing, there's just the rest of his day falls away and then nothing gets accomplished, even though he did have a whole day free.

I don't know, though, but you guys relate.

I saw something experience this phenomenon. Sometimes the way to counteract that is to make another appointment that's earlier, and then you have few appointments.

But I do that all the time. I think I'm if I was to guess.

Why, I'll just lay around and I'll look at my phone and I'll like just kind of language. When I have an appointment at three o'clock and I guess why that is. I would think it's because it no matter what thing you assign yourself to do, it feels like you're not going to have enough time to finish it because your appointment's coming up.

I have you have an unfinished thing?

What is it?

I think so I relate to this too, and I'm a procrastinator, and I think it's just like another excuse to procrastinate on things.

Yeah, that could be a too. So it's an excuse.

Because you can't get anything done. Like what Brian is saying, you go, I can't get like thing done anyway, Yes, like I don't have enough time before the appointment. I don't want to be late for the appointment. Okay, it's like constantly want to be late. Perfectionism, procrastination.

What's the other p pussy?

Okay, I just found it. Waiting mode is when you can't get anything done because you're distracted by the awareness that you have something planned, such as an appointment later on. You feel anxi, impatient and even overwhelmed. People with ADHD know all about waiting mode, and it's incredibly frustrating. And that's from you know, Google snipped that to read, Yeah, people, I can't start any tasks because I have an appointment later. It's just a common thing. Nothing ruins a person with ADHD's day like a three pm appointment.

Let's talk about weight mode.

I can't do anything when I have a scheduled I mean, over and over, people are struggling with this. Wow, I don't because I feel like I know that I have to leave fifteen minutes before that. There's no worry about a weight like as I set my alarm on my phone for five minutes before I have to actually leave, you know, like there's and I feel like maybe I might not do anything really important to get done. But I almost feel like that gives me a free time to Like, I have an appointment, so I will be doing something today. There will be a sense of accomplishment, so I feel free to pursue my hobbies or like something that I just or to be on my phone or to take a nap. I don't feel disappointed in myself because I do have that scheduled thing. Does he feel disappointed in himself? Yes, I think that is the overall vibe. Like I don't think it would be something he like. Is like, I relate to it so much if he wasn't feeling anguish over.

It, Because what is You go to your appointment at three o'clock, you get back home, it's fucking five thirty now, and you're like, what the fuck? I didn't do anything all day except go to this appointment. That's why you feel bad, which happens all the time.

But I relate to Yeah, you take me.

ADHD is a blessing and a curse. I think that it's a curse with stuff like that. I don't think I have it. I mean maybe a little bit or whatever. I don't know.

I wouldn't think you do. But yeah, I think we all have the touch.

Maybe yeah, I mean I only I just keep all my rags.

But I think that that's ADHD.

By the way, look at this littleism, this little shit rag.

Why do they Why does anyone? Will you give me some of those? Brian? Will you give me the one you're about to throw out, the vintage one like a Maxie's monocle. I already threw it out? Was it on top of a dirty banana and some raw eggs? Like, I'll take it out of your waist basket next to your desk. Okay, I'll have this trash. I'll eat that rag.

ADHD is a blessing because I feel like a lot of people who are very good at things have ADHD because they have an extreme attention to detail and they don't let things slide, and that creates really amazing, amazing things like producers and writers and stuff like that, because it's like I must say, get laser focus. It's laser focus. I just nothing else can distract them. And people think that eighty we've talked about this before. They think that ADHD is just like there's a like a squirrel. I'm gonna talk about this, And it is that in a lot of ways.

I have it.

When it comes to conversation, I'll be in the middle of a sentence and I won't finish the sentence it I'll start the next like I do. Like I just said, like I will start the next sentence before finishing that sentence. So I think that's like the negative side of it, but it's it is a lot of just hyper focus, because when you get in a tunnel, you can and that's I think the appointment thing. I have an appointment today, I can't think about anything else. I can't do anything else. I have that to do.

Hyper focus. I can't miss that.

I waited a really long time to get this appointment, and there's like a lot of stress around that. But yeah, I think it's a blessing and a curse as well.

I've seen a meme about reading a book if you have ADHD and you just read the same page over and over, realize you haven't absorbed the page, go back for pages, and the same thing happens again. You just cannot absorb material.

I think that's probably ADHD people's uffer from it.

But I think people without ADD have that too, because sometimes a book is fucking boring and you are just thinking about something else and you're trying to read the book to distract you from that thing, but your brain is like, no, we need to solve this other thing, which I think could be ADD. But I think a lot of people have that feeling of reading the same page over and over. I know I do it constantly when I'm reading or when i'm I mean more so when I'm watching any anything, I mean, I've talked about this before. I will watch a scene seventeen time. I'm not kidding you, like on a succession, because succession I want to I don't want to miss a single line. And there's sometimes when I would watch it and I'd be very distracted on my phone and I would keep looking down my phone at the exact moment that I would do it every time, and I would watch for five seconds ago, don't do it again, Nikki, and then I forget not to do it, and I look down again and I don't miss it again. So that just, yeah, that happens.

That's why you like you're an active watch or you like talking when you're watching watching shows. Yeah, so maybe that helps you pay attention because you're engaging one.

Hundred percent material. There's something riding on my attention, which is a human connection that I'm trying to make. If I'm not watching the show, I have nothing to say to this person. I will I'm accountable if I'm watching with someone. I can't watch anything alone. I don't know when this happened. As a kid, I could watch things alone all the time. I do think I have ADHD from social media and phones. Like, I think it's late on set. I think I had early signs of it for sure, but I think it is really amped up because of devices. I don't see how it couldn't be.

Yeah, I think we all suffer from all. But yeah, that's what I wonder is, like, when is it ADHD and when is it just a person in twenty twenty three who owns a phone?

Okreed, tell me about it. That should be a meme.

That should be is this disorder when you have a flight in the morning, but you have twenty four hours until the flight, and you spend the entire day packing perfectly, like the perfect amount of shampoo, the perfect That's what I do before a big trip, and I'll see.

The entire CD based on anxiety. You have anxiety about the upcoming engagement, and you spend you try You're trying to protect yourself from any outcome that could be negative by packing so perfectly.

I am so glad I don't have that, but I'm jealous that I don't at the same time, because I thought as much my life would be fucking hell. I'm jealous of just being organized and like having nice things nicely folded and like, you know, I just want to be a neat woman with like nice things and like just my suitcase unpacked so that the dog can crawl in it and be like I'm gonna miss you. But my dog could never even get neat, Like I want to take a cute pic. I could never take a picture of my dog in the suitcase because he can't get in because there's things. There's things flying hurling towards it. As I threw throw them from my closet. He would get hit in the face with a fucking stiletto that I won't wear because I've never worn stilettos, But I keep it in my closet because someday I might need a stiletto heel. Even though they haven't been in forever and they hurt my feet so badly, I won't wear them. So yeah, there's something that's my whole thing. I'm jealous of something and I want it, but I actually it would really hinder my life. Do you feel like annoyed that you do that? Like, I don't think Anya Marina would give up. If I could tell you, you will pack exact, you will pack less perfectly, but you will save you will only do it for three hours worse before your flight or or you know, at some point before, not directly before.

Would you for getting to bring sunscreen?

Yeah, you might have to go buy sunscreen at CVS, but it's not.

Getting My heart rate is r rising right now. I feel it rising just you asking me that question.

I can feel my heart beat. Really it's like this.

But I do think I've made progress because I used to spend eight hours packing, not even joking, for like a tour weekend, and now what like I went to New York the other day. Yeah, because I would be like, I don't want to bring one extra T shirt of merch, but you always do, like I always would.

What happens if you do?

Like you're not trying to get things under fifty pounds necessarily because you carry on, so like who cares if you bring an extra shirt or something?

No, I do try to get it under fifty. I hate bringing extra shit with me. I hate being like I can't believe I lugged all this shit around or like there's an extra bags that.

Worse than spending hours of your life.

Like, well, I get to a point where I'm like this is this is a waste of my time. You know, you don't need to spend the whole day because you're cutting into your life, Like this is fun anymore. And so now I'm a much quicker packer, and I do feel like I've gotten I've made progress around Like who cares? So what if you only have one outfit and you forgot more clothes? Or who cares if you have like too many clothes and you never wore those, or you brought two books and you never even cracked one of them. Who cares?

So it's better I packed for New York, like I like, I understand who cares? So much? Like I thank god I do, because my life really would be hell if I had to pack so much all the time. And I really do start packing a half hour before I will leave for like two week trips, and there's no joke there. I just grab. Okay, going through my shirts, I love this shirt. I love this shirt. I know I need like around. I'm going first five Let's say I'm going for five days. I'll probably want nine shirts because I might just want to wear different things in different days. Nine shirts. Okay, sweatshirts, I need to I like this one. I like this one. A denim jacket perfect. I need actually a dressy jacket.

I'll take that.

Okay. I'm gonna need black boots and like, oh, white boots that those go with everything. Okay, gym shoes, running shoes, Sneakers that will look good on stage, Sneakers that are kind of like scuffed uff that I can wear to get coffee, flip flops in case we go somewhere like that.

Oh my god, I'm getting some nice pants right now.

Really, yeah, so many things right now, like me Lulu Lemon pants. Okay, let me go throw all my litule Lemon pants. I really okay, I'm gone five days. I like to wear them every day. I kind of like a clean pair every day. I'm gonna honestly bring six. Fuck it, I'm gonna bring six. I don't only wear two. Who gives a shit, they don't weigh that much. Throw them in there. Okay, toiletry thinks that's already packed up, because I live out of a toiletry case anyway. I never put anything back away, so I just zip that up. Put my face washed back in my whatever is out on the counter, put it back in, zip up, throw it in socks Okay, go to the sock drawing. I'm gone five days. Let's bring ten socks. Fuck it, I don't know what's gonna happen. There might be all in my bag ten socks. Throw them in.

And then I roll up my suitcase and I go, whoa, this is about fifty two.

I can feel it. Okay, we got to go back in those Lulu Lemon pants. I don't need fucking five Okay, those are kind of heavy. Let me put the heaviest ones. Let me take two of those out.

Okay.

What of these lotions in my bag are under three ounces that are kind of heavy that I can put in my carry on? Okay, take those out. That's two pounds. Okay, good, good to go. Let's go. Oh I forgot all the podcast equipment that really like works. I could if I could move that fast, I could pack that fast.

What I just said, I don't know. I'm not wired that way.

What what is going through your mind when you pick out shirts? I am, let's say four days. I can't shirts.

It's like asking a cow why they don't like run like a fucking jackrab They just don't. The cow's like I will take my I just cannot do it. It doesn't. It like really aggravates me. I don't like being stressed. I don't like rushing. Like I was coming here today and I was like, I'm going to be ten minutes late. I'm like, no, fuck it, I'll be five, and it was just like, I hate this. I would so much rather be early and chilled out than like plugging in my headphones and putting in and trying to get online.

I love being right on time and rushing right to the moment because I just know it's I know, I just know how long things take almost perfectly, and I am late a lot of times, but I'm always like at the most, unless I'm like super late and it's I've overslept, or it's something egregious, there's like a car accident that there's huge traffic. If I checked my text of the word late, I would say it would most likely be the number three or seven next to it. Three minutes late, seven minutes late, and three minutes late. People go, why do you even need to tell me? Well, because it's late, but it's always and I know exactly what it's gonna be. I guess that's I will like that part about my personality. But I don't like getting somewhere and having to wait. Ooh god, I wanted to just walk right in and go waiting.

I love it because it's like it's an illusion of wasting time. It's like I can spread it out, I can open up my laptop, I can listen to a podcast, and I don't have to stress at all that I'm.

Like, see, that's like rushing now.

It's time distress girl, because you have nothing to do until it starts, and you don't have any of your distractions with you. I mean you have your phone so and maybe your laptop, so you do have distractions with you, but it's taking Maybe like I'm there for like a lunch meeting with something with someone at a cafe, I don't want to get there early because I'm nervous about it, or a date like when I used to go on dates, like I don't want to get I'm always five minutes late because I do. I want to get right in and I don't want to sit and think about like you should run, you should not go. I don't want to be up. I saw a couple I was in, well, this was so cute. I was staying on this ranch and there's a coffee shop here and every morning I see this girl and she's so freaking nice. I just love her warmth. She's like this young girl, cute and I get a latte and she's so nice. She knows my name now, and I think she's like, you know, she's I don't know, everyone knows my name. Cheers. It's happening. So and it's just me and this girl and I sit there and I write in my journal and then she's just doing her stuff and people come in and out. And the other day I walked in there's it was like round four thirty. It's closing at five, maybe four forty five, and there there's this guy sitting there and there's only two tables in this very very small cafe. It's almost like annoying that I'm in there. When she's in, I'm sure she's like, could you just go outside? But it's so hot here. So I'm sitting there and this guy is sitting at the other table and it's right next to me, like we're on top of each other. And he's a young kid and he's just sitting there and he's holding his phone and then he puts his phone down and he's just staring straight ahead for a really long time, and I'm like, wow, it's so cool, like this guy in his like twenties can like just not be on his phone. Like it's I've never seen this in this generation. I couldn't even do that. He's just sitting there thinking, and she's starting to do closing duties, you know, because it's closing, and she says to him or no. He says to her, do you want me to help? So I'm go, oh, they know each other. I thought at first, I go, what is this guy doing? Is he on the ranch too? Like maybe I'll make a friend? And he goes and then I go does he oh? Is he her boss or something? And I was like, oh, I looked at him. I go, no, he definitely doesn't work here. This is probably her boyfriend who's like come to pick her up and he's hanging out before and so she goes out. She goes, no, I'm good, and she goes out and she's stacking chairs on the front. She can't hear me, and I go, is that your girlfriend? Because I'm just like obsessed with this girl. I think she's so adorable. I saw a guy come in the other day while I was writing in my journal. There's a lot of people who cycle through this canyon. I'm staying in and they stop in at this ranch to get coffee, and he stopped in and they were like flirting and they both liked each other, and I was like wanting to set them up whatever. So then she's adorable. I'd like really imagined this whole life for this girl. She can have anything she wants in life. She's fantastic. And I go, is that your girlfriend? And he's like, oh no, And then I realized, oh, he is her. He's like, I'm just her friend. I'm like, this guy's in love with her. This is a friend who is in love with this girl. He's He's like, I just I was in the area, so I just decided to come and hang out where I think we're gonna go get dinners. Like there's like too much information coming out. But he was like what guy goes and just watches his friend close the place. Maybe they were just friends, but I was projecting a lot onto this of like he's got this deep crush on her. She kind of knows but doesn't and maybe would be into it. But he's not direct enough and he's but I realized what he was doing with the phone thing is he was he was trying to look like he's sitting at this cafe, he has nothing else to do. She's there watching him, but she can't talk to him because I'm in there, so she can't like be friendly with him, and he's thinking, like, I can't. I don't want this girl to think I'm just always on my phone and that's like all I do, and I'm obsessed with my phone like other guys. So I'm just gonna like stare. That doesn't look cool. Fuck, Okay, now I just look like a psycho like but there's nothing. There's nothing for him to write, there's nothing for him to do. So he was just having this internal struggle of like how I would have look cool in this moment, And I bet you anything he wishes he would have got there a little bit later to not have to deal with this like waiting time because she didn't want help from him, but he was but what do you do in that? I do?

Really?

I guess I was projecting the whole way because I know that when I think I'm being watched or I'm trying to look cool. I don't want to see them like someone who's addicted to their phone, so I'll put it down.

But then you go, well, what do I do?

There's nothing? Do I just sit here and think? That looks maybe even more crazy, Like do you ever get.

I've done that at a wall?

He had nothing to look at either.

There was like a line at Starbucks or something. And if you just look at any line at Starbucks, everyone's on their phone. There's not a single person on their phone. And there was a time I got I frequently don't look at my phone. I'm one of those guys staring off. And I sat, I stood on the line, and I was the only one on the line without a phone, and I you know what you feel like? You feel like a like a sixty year old or something who's like, I'm looking around and these people know like if I look up from my phone, this fucking guy.

Is going to try to talk to me. And that's what happen.

Feel you can feel your presence.

But I didn't want to talk to anybody. But that's just how I woke.

I didn't have a phone, so everyone was thinking that I was gonna do that, but I just really wanted to look around.

Yes, you are a guy that is not tethered to his phone. So we have a common friend here that we're hanging out with yesterday, and she was talking about trying to get out there and date again. She's mid thirties, got to have a relationship recently, is like, wants to get back out there, is discouraged by the apps. And she's like, you know, the days of meeting someone at a bar are so long gone. And she was like, or just like out in public sheet And We've said this before, and I've heard this before, but it just struck me. She's like, because everyone's looking down now, no one even looks up anymore. There's no one even looking to make a connection out in the real world.

It's so discouraging.

How get your pods in too, Yes, And.

That what a way to show the world. Don't talk to me.

I mean when people talk to me with my air PUDs and I go, are you fucking crazy? Can you not see that there's nothing playing in these? And I'm wearing them solely to let you think that there's something playing in them. And I'm listening to a podcast. I'm engrossed in an audiobook.

That's why everyone's fucking their co workers now, because it's the only time you can actually talk.

To me a personal and you are forced to not be on your phone. You have to look at them across the table at a meeting.

That's such a good point.

I keep thinking everyety.

Everyone's every workers Biden.

I keep thinking we're going to grow out of this, Biden.

I think they we will. There will be a reckoning. I think that, you.

Know, I think it's going to be like really cool thin she like I.

Was the Jeens lowisted. Lewis said, it's the trends will keep going back and forth.

Yeah, I think we'll go one or either way. It will either go. There'd be a generation who thinks it's uncool to be connected to your phone and that it's cool to be in present are We'll just keep increasing until we're so connected that we our cell phone is implanted chip into our brain and we're never not connected. So it's not even a choice.

I tried to scroll the other day on I took some notes to go on stage. I was doing a million sets the other night, and I had my like a note card from my you know, hotel notepad, and I wrote some lines on it, which I don't normally do. I'm always just like looking at my phone. And I was holding my phone and holding this note card, and Carlisle was in the car with me as I was reviewing my set, and I tried to scroll on the note card I've done multiple times. I kept doing it.

I've done this thing on photos. You're trying to enlarge it or like, wait, a page from a book.

I'm like, oh, I was doing it, and I realized, I thought, and I tried to convince myself. I was self soothing, just like I'm just rubbing this paper and I go, no, you're scrolling. My hand is constantly in a phone claw. In every picture where I don't have a phone in my hand, it is already in it's it, it's reaching out for it. And I do have that dent on my pinky. Does everyone have the pinky dent?

No?

Or your phone?

That's a we all have it now, But that's where you rest your phone when you're holding it. And there's a dent now in most people's pinkies. Look and see if you have it on your pinky phone holding hand. Do you see that dent in line a.

Little bit yeah right there.

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah.

Okay, I put my phone do I.

Yeah, rest there something rest there? Yeah.

I had a million sets this week, nine to be exact, nine million and over two nights, four on Friday, five on Saturday. And talk about like having such pleasure when you are like I can do a whole night. I start at seven forty and I end at eleven o'clock and I can go boom boom, boom boom and hit them all at the right time. I plan them all and I but I at all, no waiting at all. I just walk in and go right up, or if i'd you know, some time I see the set before me or something, which is sometimes kind of fun because it forces me to watch stand up, which I'm don't want to do sometimes.

But I.

Had four sets on Saturday, and then someone I had a block of time between like eight forty five and ten eleven where I was like, what the fuck am I going to do in that. I'm in my car, I'm in Hollywood, I'm you know, twenty miles away from where I'm staying. I can't go back home. There's no one to go to dinner with. I don't want to go have dinner alone. I just was like, what am I gonna do? And then I got a text earlier that day that was like, Nikki, do you have time tonight around nine o'clock? And I'm like yes, and do you like Jeremy Renner? And I was like, I just wrote hah. It was from a number that I don't really know who it is, to be honest with you, it's just someone who always books me on shows and I show up at the shows and I never know if that person is there or not. I'm always like, h I just like greet everyone like I've been texting with them for years, booking me on places. Thank you for this. I don't know who this person is, just an eight one eight number, but we have a history of about Yeah, it's like, do you like me?

I'm coming to the chase.

We've been texting for years. Do you like me? I was in a terrible accident which I did not remember, so I said, I said uh hahaha, and I said, yes, I am free at that time, and yeah, I think he's extremely talented, which I do. I was like, what do I feel about Jeremy Renner? Like, I don't. I don't really often comb through my feelings about actors whose work I really haven't been exposed to because I'm not an action movie gal.

He's in the hurt Locker.

Hawkeye. He's Hawkeye.

He's in Disney's in Marvel, every Marvel movie, the Avengers.

I knew he was in Avengers, but I didn't I was a short king. He's a short king, yes, but I all I know of him, to be honest with you, Besides something, the tabloids are stories of his life. I e. That snowmobiling accent. I know so that he was great on SNL. I remember seeing his SNL monologue and thinking, everyone give up. This is this guy can sing. I take a good actor because he plays with eble piano and he was singing, and I was like, this guy is a renaissance man. He's good at everything. He's attractive, he's he's funny, like he's nailing it, he seems. I just remember being very frustrated after I saw his Usually I'm not frustrated by men in that way when they're super talented. I'm usually like, well they're a man, They're not my competition. But I felt like Jesus Christ, I can't believe God bestows that much talent on some people and others. He like, you know, I can't do a fucking B minor chord. It's just frustrating, you know. And so that's all I knew. And then I get to the So then I pick up Carlisle to go around to my sets with me, and I was like, Oh, I'm doing your friend Katie Cordoza's show at the Haha, which I is this club in the valley that I never go to because it's just not in the area, but it fit my schedule, so I said, I said yes to the show. And she also asked me if someone asked me who booked me on the show, if I like Jeremy Runner, and she was like, oh, yeah, she's friends with him. And I was like, oh, okay, so is he on the show? Like I thought, oh, I'll get to meet him. I'll be on the show. I guess he's trying stand up, like doing a Jeremy Piven. All the Jeremies I are trying stand up. I don't know, And so she's like, no, I think he comes to watch sometimes. And I was like, oh, okay, he'll be in the audience, but like, why would I be asked if I like him, why does that matter? If like I can, he will only watch comedians who like him or something. I was just like, it's just a weird question from a person I don't know. And so I got there and they're like, Jeremy Renner is in the building. I'm like, is this not a dish? Like I don't even know. I don't need to know this. I don't like to know when famous people are there. I mean, sometimes it's fun. There was a show where I was at where Bette Midler was there, and I was like, what jokes would Bette like? But most of the time I don't. I don't know it, just like now there's something added to it. And then to add to that, I'm in the law the place I'm about to go up, and I'm like, what jokes did Jeremy Renner like? I'm like, I don't even know. I don't know anything about this guy. But I also would to please a celebrity because they're celebrity and everyone else is like making a big deal of it, not like a huge deal, but they're like Jeremy Renner is like he's here, he's in, like he's can change my life, and there's like this just that idea I guess in Hollywood of like every show. Who knows he could be like she's a leading lady or what. I don't know, but I wasn't really thinking that way. I don't even want to be in movies.

And then.

And then I see a guy at the bar. I'm like, is that fucking Carlos Mencia? Who I You know, when I started in two thousand and six, you might not think Carlo Smancia is a big deal now, but he was such a fucking huge jobt He was the biggest comedian a MS right in two thousand and five to two thousand and nine. He was like the guy arena like Madison Square Garden, probably multiple shows sold out and he's at the ha haa cafean a Saturday night at the bar? Is he wearing shorts? Are those lawn shoes? What's happening? But I'm like, no, that guy just looks like Carlos Spencia. And then I go in the hallway and I'm like kind of like because I opened for him early on in my career, we had the same agency and they were like, you should go on Carlos's tour and I went to one gig with him on a weekend, and Brad Williams was there too, He's the little person comedian. He was there too, and Josh Blue. I think maybe Josh wasn't there, but Carlos didn't. We didn't get It's not like we didn't get along. It was just not a good fit for his audience to have me do like abortion jokes for five minutes, like trying to be serious before he went up and did whatever he did. He used to go to break but I'll finish this story when I get back. So I'm at the ha Cafe. I'm about to go on. I think I've seen Carlos Spencia. I don't know. He comes over and he's like Nikki Carlos, and I was like, oh my god. Carlo Spencia still like locked in this part of my brain which is like this guy is a big deal. He can change your life. I don't feel that way now. And Cosmincy is a good example of like why none of this fucking matters because he was doing arenas and now he's at the Haja Cafe on a Saturday night having beers with his friends and he's not It's not that he's I'm sure he could be working. It's not like he's hard up for gigs. But he returned to the clubs like he had a someone would call it a fall where it was like he had everything and I don't. Brian was saying, yesterday you had a good point about him. Will you share that point about like his comedy did not age well?

I guess, oh well, uh yeah, I mean some of his material I guess from back in the day would be considered offensive now to the degree that he probably wouldn't be able to get away with doing it. Even like his signature bit was where he'd like make fun of a mentally handicapped person and like at the time that was perfectly fine, and nowadays it's not so like, you know, maybe that didn't age well.

And then also he was accused of Joe stealing and that kind of.

Really derailed his career, Like it was really it really affected his career. I don't know why that was the thing, but like it's really crazy that something like that that was like getting canceled before it was about uh, you know, sexual harassment. That was the most defensive thing that you stole it you could possibly do to get away with jerking off on somebody in a closet, but you can't get away with stealing a joke.

Yes, it was.

I mean, well, there was the footage of Joe Rogan confronting him at the comedy store, and that was right when I think Joe Rogan. It made Carlsmancia unfamous and it made Joe Rogan famous.

Yeah.

Oh, pivotal moment.

Yeah, and just like raise his whatever you do status. Yes, Joe Brogan's one of the most powerful men in the world.

He wasn't at that time though that that clip came out, but it really brought him like a fear of factor.

Yeah. Well, I mean, which is hard.

And he was on news radio. I mean, he was a famous guy, there's no question about it. Like, but the way he is now is not. At that he was not a household name, And I think that clip did the opposite to each of their careers. But what I will say about Karlsmancia, what I think I observed from being on the road with him for a little bit and the way that his the openers that he had, and how they would all talk. I believe that I do believe they absorb things and think they don't think they're stealing, they think they're they I think his argument was like, I'm doing it better kind of thing. And I was thinking about this this weekend because my voice teacher is trying to get me to He knows that I'm not writing original music, so he's trying to get me to do covers in my own way. He's like, you can interpret the song in a completely different way and deliver it so it sounds like a completely different song. Even though it's the same melody and the same key and everything, it can sound totally different. I'm like, why is that okay? But it's not okay to take someone's bit and go, you know what, I could actually have a much better perspective on the same thing. Why is that so forbidden? And I agree it is like, I obviously don't ever want anyone to do that to my jokes, But how many fucking times have I seen a joke that I have thought of before on stage and someone is just scratching the surface, like they didn't fill they didn't scratch the whole scratcher's ticket there is there is a great joke there, and that you can win a million dollars, but you just scratched the first row and go why it's something that was kind of fun, and you know, was there a.

Way to do it where it would be respected by your peers?

There is one way, you think, there is one way. You just say like, oh, I've never heard you say that joke parallel thinking.

I guess I no, But no one gives a shit about that. If you're called it a joke thief, it haunts you the rest of your life. Look at Amy Schumer. Every single clip of hers, there's someone saying she steals jokes when it was really just parallel thought. You know, like if you get called it once you it doesn't matter if it was parallel thought. And I'm talking about when it's not parallel thought when I do. The other night, I saw Mark Maron do a joke that I'm like, I have had that thought in my head and now, and not to say that he just did a scratch the surface choke. He did dig into it. He's talking about being vegan. And I've been in Carlo Goes, I've heard you say that so many times that you could do that. He said it. It was the first time I met you.

You said it.

How He's like the best thing about being vegan. It's actually really hard to do. It doesn't taste as good all these things. But the best thing is that you are a good person and no one could argue you out of it. You are doing the right thing, and you there's no argument you're choosing to eat animals. I'm like pretty much what I say all the time, which is like, it's the only thing I'm certain of that makes me a better person than everyone else if they're not doing it that and but he killed with it. I've never found a way to articulate it. But that's dead to me. If I have a little bit of a different perspective on that whole thing, I can never do that. I can't touch that idea that vegans are superior and that I actually feel like a better person than everyone else.

And it's gone.

It's dead. But I could have different things to say to it. I could have different rifts that I want to run, Like in a song, like you know what I mean, Like if I are songs, you are able to artistically interpret a song and sometimes make it better. I mean, there are how many people think that the what's a better cover than the original? There's millions of songs. I think that we're not a lot as comedians.

I think the tides changing.

I think it's getting more acceptable to kind of just as long as it's not a straight up exact same joke. I think it's getting more acceptable because of TikTok, where on TikTok everyone is just stealing everyone else's sketch and making and putting their own spin on it. And if you even if you like look at the like the accounts that tell your hearers how to become viral on TikTok or whatever, they literally say, like go through popular successful tiktoks and take that idea and then make it your own.

And it's not.

Stealing because you're gonna take it and make put your own spin on it and it's.

Your thing now.

I don't know if I would be so pissed if someone did this to one of my jokes, but if they brought something new to it that I didn't, I would be a little bit jealous and go, h, I wish I would have thought of that, And I'm glad you can't. That information should be out there, that added thing.

Just like a tag or something. It needs to be. It has to be like you're talking about like if I did it. If I did a joke that was about uh, you know.

Uh working at a deli, and I had a bunch of jokes about working at a deli, and then somebody else came out with jokes that were about working at a deli.

It's like, well, no, I don't.

Think anyone could accuse that you both worked at a deli. That's fine, you have different perspectives. I'm talking about a specific joke, like if I were to do a Mark Maarn joke of like I feel better than all of you people. I know that. It's if I wanted to just expound on that in my own way that would maybe make that point resonate more or.

In my own life you know, happened all the time.

I mean, but I can't do it because that's why I don't like watching comedy, because if I didn't see him do that, I could have possibly argued that I get to keep doing that. Now I've seen it.

It's off limits.

That's how you get away with it.

But keep yourself from so many good bits.

So famous that you can't If somebody went ahead and did a joke that was like Oscar the grouch is angry because he's a homeless, poor guy. Like Dave Chappelle's joke, if somebody did a joke like that, then that would be off the table because it's such a famous bit.

But like like if someone did like a right, it's very specific.

If someone did a joke about gun control needing we should have bullet control, that would be clear. You can't do that because Chris Rock's bit is so famous. But like, I don't know, there's just some things that it's just it feels.

Icky to me.

It feels like I would be wrong too. It's like shoplifting when you know that they have a surplus or something on even though they won't.

Huh, it's only icky if you did it on purpose.

If you sat down, saw someone tell a joke and said, oh, I can do that joke better, and then did that joke.

Well, am I not doing that? When I see Mark Maron do a bit that I've only thought and said to my friends and said on podcasts, but I haven't actually said, oh, I want to take them on the stage, isn't that stealing to be like, Yeah, that does work on stage.

I'm gonna start doing it on stage. How is that not to me? It feels I'm not gonna do it, You're never gonna mean No, I've.

Heard Bonnie McFarlane say years ago, I'm a vegan. Any other vegans in the house, I mean, you know they do say that. It's like the number one way of helping to save the environment is being a vegan. So I'm better than all of you. But anyway she goes on, So that's like a parallel.

Well, I've said the joke that I will keep in my act is like it's just a short one, but it's not going into it, which is I really do recommend being vegan. I just I feel better than you. I'm just saying it, like you know, a little Kevin Neil and ish.

Okay, that's a perfect example. That's not but I liked.

But it's a parallel thing.

No.

I was jealous of Mark Marin's because it really everyone in the audience. I know that audience was ninety percent not vegan at the fucking mo least whatever the word is for that, And and they all fucking got it. They were all like feeling a little guilty but also laughing. And I'm like, that's what I want people to do is like, actually, see I want to make people go, maybe I should go Vegan. That's a good point he's making, But I don't think that my little joke that I just told does that at all, and I think his does so. Anyway, what I think happened with Carlosmans is not only that where he's like, I could do it better. I think he had joke writers for him, right, He had his openers would write for him and give him bits, and I think sometimes they would actually be talking backstage and they would say something funny and he would just take it from them and just he'd be like, that's good. I'm gonna use that. Because that has happened to me and Brian. He's nodding so many times where you're talking to a comedian and you, guys, you bring up the bit, you start riffing on it with the person next to you. Maybe they say it's some dumb tag and they go, I'm gonna use that. That's good, and you go, no, what what just happened?

You?

I came up with that. You've just now convinced yourself you did because you either laughed at what I said or you acknowledged that that was good, like that is the most in same thing, and it happens a lot, and I've only in the probably the past five years, been brave enough to go, no, I'm gonna that's mine, like I'm gonna use that. It happened the other night someone, someone who I know very well, did it to me and was like, I'm can I use that?

And I go.

It was really hard for me to do because I look up to this person and I would like to be as successful and prolific as this person. But now I know how they're prolific, you know, like, oh, no, I might use that. And I honestly didn't think about using it until you just said that you wanted to use it. But it is my thoughts, so I get to determine whether. I was like, I'll let you know if I don't, but I think I'm going to and I probably never will, but I don't want him to have it because it was mine.

Oh that they asked.

I don't think they asked. He was like, wait, he kind of asked. It was almost like I'm gonna, like I could do that. He did ask I guess, and it was nice. But this was the thing I think Carlos Mencia had his people write for him and they would steal from people, and so he would do a bit. They would knowingly steal because they're like, we got give Carlos something. They would see some open micro set. So Carlos wasn't doing the one that was stealing. He was having writers write for him and they would steal because I would see I would I think that's what was happening. So when he heard like these but but who knows, he also was confronted with some pretty obvious bits that he probably really did hear, like the Cosby one about something.

We were watching Gabriel Galacias special this last week and he did a joke that was extremely similar to a Bill Bird joke, but it's just because the premise is like, you know, it's like it's like not that original, but it's still funny. The joke was, when your dog comes to greet you at the door, your wife gets jealous because you like greeting the dog better than wife goes, why are you happier? Why are you happier when you greet the dog? And then Gabriela Galacius's punchline is like, well, because you don't have your tongue, hanging out, running around in circles, all happy to see me. And Bill Burr's punchline is, well, if I come home at two am drunk, you're not walking up to the door shaking your ass and like, it's the same joke. But did they steal that joke from each other?

I would say that people would argue if people connected it, they would accuse whoever came out later with the joke. And by the way, actually they would accuse because no one would ever think Bill Burr would steal joke. But I think people would probably think Gabriel Glaziye is still first. For sure, yeah it was, but I think even if it came second, no one would ever people would go he wouldn't do that, like no one would have. I think Mark Norman got accused of stealing a joke once and then no, it didn't go anywhere because everyone's like, no, this guy doesn't pull that shit.

We just know it.

The type of comic key is he doesn't need to do that. Bill Burr doesn't need to do it.

I'm not a huge Gabriela Glacias fan, but I would think based on the things. I'm not a huge I don't know his comedy, but I don't think he's a thief. But I think he would get pinned on that more than you know, I mean.

And so my point is this something like that even matter like that, Like, yeah, I guess that was the same joke.

But yes, when you want to villainize someone and discount discredit them, yeah, that's all the people have sometimes That's what I fear.

I guess is like I people hate me.

So there's some people who don't like me so much that they would love to do what they did to Amy, which is finally we have a reason to not like her other than she just is a girl who's talking too loud and making us feel sometimes calling us out so oh and telling us not to use guns or whatever they're really annoyed with Amy for. But they're like, no, she's a thief. Now we have something that is like yes, ah, and now let's stick to it and write it under every clip she has. And now that's the people that don't even know the story of where this originated from and how it's based in fucking nothing, we'll just think she's a liar because or she's a thief because that's what we wrote in this YouTube comment that's how That's what I'm scared of. Yeah, But anyway, I met Jeremy Renner. Carlos comes up to me and he's like Carlos. I was like, oh my god, Carlos. We hugged and we remembered working together, and he was so nice and was like, congratch on all your success, and he was kind of like, are you handling it well? And I've realized this thing in la that people think I'm really like it's very nice, but everyone thinks I'm just fucking killing It's like it's it's nice, but I really am, like, don't you know that anything on Instagram isn't real? Like it's it means that I'm doing a good job on social media, which I didn't think I was, but for my constituents to believe that I'm like killing it, which listen, I have no complaints about my career. I literally don't want anything to change. I want for nothing. But am I like the number one comedian and the like killing it in the ways that I feel like these people sometimes say? I'm like, no, like it's fine, it's good. But it was nice of him to say that, But I'm like I'm nowhere near the level of what he was killing it in the mid two thousand. It's not even fucking close. But he was like, wow, you're really well, and I'm like, but I said something like I like, my I go, it's been very gradual. I actually heard James Marsden. There was a quote yesterday I read on Reddit of him saying that because people are like, why has he not had like a big moment, like why is he not more famous? And he's like, I'm so glad I'm not. I love a gradual. I two percent more and successful every year gradual, and that's the way to do it. No one gets yes, like and the next month safe, there's low risk, there's no because if you do a gradual, no one gets fucking annoyed by you. People just go, oh yeah, but a meteoric rise, people are going to fucking hit turn. So you gotta be gradual. I like that little gradual. And I even said that to Carlos and I didn't realize. I was like kind of saying to him, what I, you know, noticed about his own career. I was like, I like gradual. I don't think I could handle overnight, and I think it would be taken away from me like immediately or like within years, and I was like, oh fuck, I'm telling him his life story. In other words, I don't want to end up at the Haja Cafe on a Saturday night, even though that's where I am right now in my career.

So then I do my set.

It was fine, and Carlos watched it, and I was nervous about Carlos watching it because he's a fucking killer. There's thief or not, one of the best performers ever, and you can't get to that level without being super fucking talented. He's very nice to me even back then, and it just wasn't a good fit for me to open for him. But he was in the room and then I walk out. I have to run to my other set because now I'm kind of late, and Carlo's like, well, wait, Jeremy Renner wants to meet you, and I'm.

Like, why is this like a thing? Like why is why do I have to go to like a wait for Jeremy to exit. He's a big fan.

I was like, Okay, well no I will, and so I wait and then Jeremy comes out and he's kind of like I think he's drunk. I'm like, oh, like I was like hi, and we like hug and he does like kind of a long hug, not like a creepy long hug, but it's slow. It's like anya packing. It's it's just delivered like just a slower thing. And I'm like, oh, he's wasted, not wasted, but like verge of wasted. And he's kind of talking slower, and I'm like, how's it going? And I was more asking, like with the strike, like h heart out there, like eh, you got time on a Saturday night, you know, to come to the ha ha. And he's like, considering everything I've been through, it's doing all. I'm just happy to be here. And I was like, oh whoa, oh my god. And then all of a sudden it went flooding back, like the snowmobile accident. He almost died and I was like, oh, oh my rescuing someone. Yeah, he was like rescuing his nephew. I think, yeah, I didn't look into the details. I should have looked to do it more. But he, I know, he was like almost maybe in a medically induced coma, almost died, has to like learn to walk again. He looked and then all of a sudden, when I saw him in that light, when I realized that I had beer goggles on. As soon as I thought i'd notice a little bit something off with him, I just go, he's wasted, and I like kind of him, just like, let me just get through this. And then all of a sudden, he seemed very lucid to me, and I was like, you're just doing great, and he was. He was. He was hilarious, nice, talking a little bit slower, but it seems to be well on the mend, and like you know, he was just saying how great he's like, I've learned a lot in all of this, like having that kind of gratitude that people will have when they go through something very traumatic. But he was just so freaking nice. We had many hugs of just like, oh, I'm so glad you're here, Like it felt like I'd.

Known him forever.

He was so nice, and I uh, we took pictures together and it was just a great like he was just a very normal I can't I was like, you're I didn't realize like what a huge fucking star he was. But it was very cool to meet him, and he was very nice to me and That's all I have to say about that.

So why was he talking slowly?

Because I think he's maybe on pain meds or something.

Okay, Wow, it got to me. He broke thirty bones and had blunt chest trauma. What You're being hit and run over by a snowplow at his home January first of this year.

Jesus Christ.

The fact that walking around that's oh.

Yeah, he was totally Ten weeks later, he's he was strong enough to start walking with a cane. So it was quite a bit accident.

He's a fucking superhero.

Yeah, he's gonna be back. He looked great, but he was really nice, and I was just so happy to meet him and hopefully like have a new friend in this business that I'm just like, Oh, it gives me faith in this crazy celebrity culture that I kind of them just roll my eyes at.

Yeah, I'm so cool.

It was nice.

Yeah, I mean that's amazing, And I feel like there's gonna be a lot of people like that are gonna want to be your friend.

Yeah.

It's interesting because like, yeah, you forget that, like actors look at comedians like, how could you do that?

I could never do that.

There's you just go up there and there's no script and like, and they do put us on a pedestal. I forget that sometimes because we're way less famous than they are. But if they've seen like one thing we do, they're kind of like so impressed with us. So there that is nice when you like are known by so like. I would never think that he would know who I was, but it's at that point now.

Yeah, especially when you're like going through recovery. I'm sure you're trying to laugh as much as possible. So I bet he got exposed to you even more during this year, you know what I mean?

How cool?

He killed it on SNL too. I want to go watch that performance now.

I have a faint memory. I got to watch it again, but I remember just being so upset by it because it was too much talent tmt I.

I have a story I gotta tell about that's relevant to the jokestealing that. I'm glad it's at the very end of the podcast because I'm a little weary of telling it. But and I won't say who it was. But many years ago, I was hosting at the Comedy Attic and there was a feature that came and this has nothing to do with the headliner. This is just the sidle act. Yeah, the middle act. I was having a drink with him or whatever I was doing, and he started telling me this story about this very famous comedian who he used to open for. And he said, he opened for this guy for around seven years and then all of a sudden stopped and the reason is because he would he this is a guy, he is a feature. He's less than ten years into the game. He's got twenty five minutes of material.

That's it.

Like, he worked all that time to get his twenty five minutes and he takes it on the road change in It's well, it's not change. I mean he has he doesn't have the opportunity to grow it. I mean I can relate. But he's like, you know, he's got twenty five minutes and that it's like the most precious thing in the world to him. That's you got to understand that. And he, uh has been opening for this guy for seven years. And then one day he gets a phone call from this guy and the guy says, listen, I just filmed my hour special. I want you to know that I may have accidentally used one of your jokes in my special and I'm really sorry about it, but I will give you forty thousand dollars or maybe it was ten thousand dollars, ten thousand dollars for the joke. And the guy was like, Okay, well that sucks, but I guess, you know, ten thousand dollars for one of my jokes. That's that's fine. I guess I don't love it, but I'll take the money. So he takes the money, and then the special comes out and it turns out this guy used twenty minutes of his material on the hour special.

And because I'm so excited to find out who this is for me.

There and because he paid him ten thousand dollars, legally, he has no.

Because he signed something.

Yeah, he's like, i'll give you ten thousand dollars for the joke. Here's the thing to sign. He signed it, and it just said like that motherfucker lied, and.

Yeah, I'm sure he told him it was just the joke.

You do that. There is just this joke, you know, Like, I'm sure they talked about what joke. It was positive of it, but it was not. So he is all, So, now this guy has five.

Minutes and now this guy can't do any of his jokes because everyone refuse him. They're like, oh, that's not your joke, it's this other guy. Yeah, and then and so he almost quit comedy, but then he slowly clawed his way back and he did. He now has twenty minutes again. And I watched him do the twenty minutes and pretty nice. Yeah, those old twenty minutes back.

I got No one's paying for this new twenty christ.

How do we make this person pay?

They've already paid, They've already paid dearly.

And I'm going to say, I think this person has been canceled in some way.

They something canceled by God Ralphie May.

I'm not saying who it is. Why do you say, Ralphie May?

That means because he's dead.

Well, he's not the only person who's dead, though I.

Don't know if he's the first person I could think of that.

Die As his dad would say, those people are dead.

That's true. God, damn it. Who's a dead comedian? Why can't I think of not? I want to keep naming names for our listeners to maybe, you know, incite intrigue and have them guessing. I want to like have a reaction when I say a name that will confirm who it is who's dead? Come on, why think of dead comedian died? You would do that?

It is not and it is not Norm MacDonald. I will say that.

I was gonna say, they like, why can't I think of but Ralphie? Make seems like it's when it could be, But it's I'm guessing it wasn't. God, who else has tragically.

Died someone hugely famous, right.

As someone who had a really good career and taped a special within the past ten or fifteen years. God damn it. Let me just look at dead comedians really quick.

Not Bob Well, Gary Shandling, Bob what's his name? The brother of Albert Brooks So I can't remember. It was on Curb Your Enthusiasm. But he's not.

Huge, Not Bill Hicks, not Bernie mac oh, Robin Williams.

Well, Rob Williams is a famous joke steeler.

Yeah, we have all forgiven that because he's not rich Heedburgh, No fucking way, was it match.

Not Bob Saget, No, God.

Not Patrese.

The only think Bob Saga stole was our hearts.

Yeah, no, oh my god, that's so sweet. Okay, we I'm gonna stop guessing, but you are going to tell me within good thirty seconds of us ending this podcast.

And that's why we have to go.

Oh, you guys talk about it amongst yourselves. Maybe we'll make little easter eggs about who it's about in a future episode, but we'll never confirm it because we can't have this out there and we want to protect the guy who got paid ten thousand dollars, who is probably at you know, the Chuckle Hut and Dayton this weekend with that new twenty. All right, thank you for joining us today. We will be here tomorrow. We'll do Reddit dump tomorrow. Let's get into it then. Thank you all. Don't piqua and just take a joke and make it your own

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
Social links
Follow podcast
Recent clips
Browse 518 clip(s)