The Nikki Glaser PodcastNikki's depression has been creeping in this week but thankfully she is learning a lot from therapy and from her vocal coach about finding happiness. To prevent spoilers from now on, Anya will warn everyone by honking her internal horn. They talk about stress manifesting in the body, what Nikki says to her cold soars, emotional eating and emotional vampires. They try to break down what makes people happy and what the process plays in it. In the Final Thought Brian encourages Nikki to be a piece of garbage and she has just the clip of herself having road rage to show him.
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The Nikky Gliser Podcastleser, Here's Nikky.
Hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's Sneaky Pleazer Podcast. I'm in Saint Louis, Noah's in Arizona. Anya's in New York. Brian is here from Los Angeles, California. This is the show? Is how is everyone? This is? This is it? If you're.
What you think? All right, this is the show.
I was really trying to sound off feet and then like my depression came through the truthless is like, this is my fucking show. No, I'm so happy that this is my show. We keep getting asked to have guests on and they're like pretty good guests, but I'm just like, no, I don't know. I'm sorry to the listener listening. I'm sorry to iHeartRadio if you want me to have like better guests on. Not that these you guys are not even guess. You guys are part of the show. I just know that when I like a pot cast, I don't like guests unless it's an interview style podcast. I don't enjoy guess. It messes up the fluidity of the show, the vibe, the like. That's why it was important for me to bring in Brian and and not have. He's someone that I get along with them. It's not like it was anyone I have on the show. I mean from time to time. I mean in my head we used to get along. Yeah, I just I don't know about do you guys? You guys listen to recurring cast.
It's like if Parks and rec had like a Joe Biden on every week, you would be like, what happened to.
I'm yes, it's the cast of Friends and they're having in It's Emily or it's Julie coming into it, and you just go, I don't like this. It's messing up the flow. You're trying to insert someone in that I don't. It's not that guests are not Sometimes they're amazing. I mean if we have Ian Finance on or like someone I know it's a really good to my mom, Yeah, Julie Glazer, someone everyone knows, it's a it's a fun time. But for me, I know myself, I get thrown when there's someone here who I always think that they don't want to be doing it, and I know that it's insane. I'm just being honest. Ever since I had my serious show and we would have. You know, celebrities would come by serious the building and they would be on these press tours. And when a celebrity is doing press, if you ever see them on like Colbert and Kimmel and all these things, those are like the highlights of what they do. They do so many other interviews. There's one part where you just go sit into a room in a big building and you zoom into every like NBC affiliate in the country, so like any like news channel four, like, you do those interviews and it's exhausting and it's rarely fun and.
The same questions over and over.
Yeah, yeah, it can be those, It's just I don't like to add on to this for people. And a lot of times we get celebrities asking like do you want this person? And I know it's not them asking, it's their publicist because I've had publicists before. And you get sent a huge email of all the places you could go, and you say yes or no to them, and I know it's like, well, you know, whoever that person is, they want to go because they got the email and they said yes. There's a part of you as a celebrity that if you say no to something and your project doesn't do well, it's your fault for not doing the Nicky Glazer podcast. You couldn't spare an hour that day, And an hour's a lot of someone's life. And I've had guests on and Noah, you know what I'm talking about. We have had guests on the show that were dues and who DMed me to be on it, not even their publicists. They asked and they come on and they're bored, they're annoyed. I've been guests on shows where I'm I get there and I'm I'm I always show up pretty good, a pretty good guest to very good. I never am like average. I always try to like bring it, but I will say that I just don't. I have a thing where I never want someone to be doing something cut out of obligation with me. And it's something I talk about a lot in therapy. I cried about it the other day because of I watched the episode of Succession. Brian, you can sit this one out. I know you're not involved, but.
Wait spoiler alert, spoiler alert oiler oh yeah, you spoilert.
No one died.
I heard it's about Is it true that it's about a family of riches in his mouth.
Everyone oil alert horn?
What with my buttole hold on? Let me try my buttole wait, try it.
It's working. No, that's your No, that was your mouth. Wait, do the real one with your mouth. Because it's so impressive. People can't believe it.
You're oh my god, so cool. Yeah, it's really good. Like every sixty five year old man from Long Island.
Or in.
Why do old people insist? Whenever I lose my phone, people are like, let me call it, and I'm on you. I'm not calling you out because you did that this weekend. But people always like, let me call it, and I go, who the fuck has a sound on their phone? It's not gonna do anything. The number of times people have been like, let me call it, I go, what what world? Who leaves their sound on their phone?
And then when people say, what about is it on vibrate? Is it on vibrate? Because that'll that makes noise too. If you're in a movie theater and you get a call and it's vibrating, that's like almost more disturbing than if I.
Don't have my phone on vibrate either. I don't know how to put it on vibrate. Well, just then you should be looking on your phone.
Yeah, that's what I should be looking it on, and I turn it off. That's what I don't understand why people don't turn off the ringers when it's time.
Don't you turn off your phone completely?
No? No, she like when the ringer starts ringing, she'll press like the down on the volume, muting.
I do all of it, guys. I turned my ringer on, I turn it off. I put it on airplane mode. I fuck with my phone.
Oh yes, I do it all too. I never I don't fly. I don't have it. I never have it on. I never have the sound on because I always am scared that I'll be that person in public who has their alerts going. And it's so annoying. Even standing in line at Starbucks, I don't want to hear your fucking phone.
You had such a big epiphany this week where you like helped ten of us uh with this big epiphany you had about not giving your shit what other people think. So maybe that's part of your new task.
Is not carre that is that's the thing. No, it's not being it's not being well. To back up, I had a voice lesson yesterday and I was super I've been depressed for like a week and a half, just been you know, having the dark thoughts. Have a suicide book I'm reading That gives me comfort. I don't know what it is. When I am really depressed, I want to read about suicide. I want to read about people killing themselves. I want to listen to it. I just go to the Wikipedia and read famous suicides. It's a weird thing I do. It gives me comfort. It feels like wrapping up in a warm blanket. Brian, you are nodding your head. Is this relatable?
I mean I could dive into the darkness every now and then, especially.
When you get dark. You want to read dark stuff.
No, it's actually it's actually not good because I know it's not. If somebody dies, like a celebrity or something, I get obsessed about finding out how they died. I need to know if I find comfort in how they died. For some reason, if something bad happens, like someone gets in a car accident and I see it, then I start reading about all the stats about car accidents. I look up every car accident that's happened in the last like forty five years, and I think it's me just searching for ways to like not have it happen to me, but it winds up being a like a circling the toilet drain of depression that just keeps giving me down.
And yeah, there's really no way to avoid getting t boned by a drunk driver or you know, I'm always when I drive at night, I'm always on alert for people taking like getting on the exit ramp and coming towards me, lights coming towards me. I sometimes have hallucinated and started seeing the lights coming towards me when it isn't because I'm so on the lookout for because that's how people die all the time and accidents is people are drunk and they get on the highway going the wrong ways.
Horrifying.
Yes, yeah, so I'm always on the lookout for that constantly, chronically, and sometimes it like I invent it. And sometimes I've gotten really scared on the highway because I'm like it's coming and it's like no, that's like the headlights in front of it. It's so weird.
I had some irrational fears where they're in my neighborhood walking around, there's some really gigantic pine cones. They're literally like grenades right, and they fall from the trees. Are these trees should not be allowed in suburban neighborhoods because they are as hard and sharp as grenades. I've seen one fall and dent the car. And so whenever I walk underneath trees like that, I used to freak out. And then someone said, what you have to do is you have to spend like an hour under one of those trees, face your fear.
Oh, exposure.
Therapy, and so then I did. Now I feel a lot better, but I still believe that they should cut down those trees.
What about when we were all living in New York City, do you remember when the wind the winter is fading and the spring is coming, and you slowly see those sheets of ice on the glass buildings melt and fall, and then you would it would you see signs beware falling sheets of glass and they're like huge sheets of glass that could just slice your.
Head right off. Or there's like you are on the train and there's like a homeless man who is stabbing the air oh, coming towards you. Yes, you know wildly.
I've seen the guy like that stabbing a phone pole, just over and over it. Yeah, what are we gonna do walk by him.
Yeah, I mean, because it's discriminatory. If you don't, you have to pretend like that's normal. So there's a lot of there's some homeless people popping up in my neighborhood and I cross the street and it's like, I get I I feel bad doing that because maybe they're harmless, but they're just making erratic movements. They're kind of shouting in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, and I am protecting myself. But anyway, I was depressed this week, and so I've been like I picked up this book. It kind of kind of like served to me. There was like a I don't know it was on my Instagram, but a quote from it came up. A guy wrote a book about how to not kill yourself. So I'm like, okay, well, if I want to read by suicide, this is the book to read a bit because it's like I'm trying, not that I'm ever going to kill myself, but I like, I just like to read about it cause it's just it's reading about a way out for you standing under the pine cone. It's like, Okay, I'm I'm teaching myself that this is not likely to happen to me, whereas I'm like, I want a scenario where I can get out, Like I just cried this morning because there's a dog being put down on my friend's Instagram. She runs a rescue Natalie. She's been on the podcast a friend, not a guest that was forced on me, But she posted this dog that has like fucking all fucked up legs and breathing issues and its bones are growing in all these weird ways, and it was having its last day on earth because they have to put it down. And they took it to the beach and like fed it nice food, and then the song was playing the Tom Petty like you Belong among the Wildflowers, and it was just like oh, Mike, and I was crying, And then I realized I was crying because I'm jealous that dogs get to be put down, because I've been wanting to be put down this way. I just want to, like I want it's not fair that like dogs can suffer enough that people go. We can let them go, but humans like have to just keep going. And I don't want to die. I just want a little bit of a break from living. Yeah, sometimes and I know that people relate to that until the next episode of Succession, yes, yes, or until the next like fun dinner or podcast I get to do. I just I just don't really like myself this week. But I'm only sharing that because I feel like it's relatable and I know you guys are like but I like you, and it's like, why would I want to listen to someone who doesn't like themselves? I don't know. You have to ask yourself that. So anyway, I've been reading this book. I don't have the solution for you. I can't and be anything else a problem.
Yeah, if you like me, you need to go to therapy.
Yeah, I guess now, I meant your shit.
No, I didn't mean it that way. I just mean like, I can't change who I am just because it might not be the greatest thing for you as a listener. Like I'm I'm sick of trying to be anything that I'm not feeling. I'm like kind of trying to live in like exactly what's happening to me, complete honesty about it, or at least this is how I'm trying to live today, because yesterday I went to my voice listen and I was really depressed because I've just been comparing myself to too many people, and I don't fit in any of my clothes, and I can't stop eating and all the things, and so well, I was just really depressed and my voice is average, and I'm just sick of being average. I don't like being average. I want to be special. And then there's all this hogwash about like but you know, everyone has a Like I talked to my therapist yesterday, who is my voice teacher, my therapist earlier on in the morning, and she's like, you know, I go, if I can't be extraordinary at something, I like don't want to be alive. I just don't really it bothers me to like it bothers me to dream of being something and really never being able to do that. It's like, I just don't see the point of staying alive if you can't be the things you want to be. And she was like, well, what about She said something about everyone has a purpose, and I'm like, really, does everyone have a purpose?
Like?
I think there are some people that just don't, and maybe I'm one, Like I don't know, not that I'm one of them, but I just don't like the idea where it's like it's almost like that whole thing that the conservatives say about liberals, where everyone needs a trophy, there's no losers, and it's like, I don't like this idea of like everyone some people are exactly what and why? What about like when a child dies of cancer and they're like, this is God, God needed this child. There's a reason behind it. What would the reason be about?
Say, oh my.
God, Like there's just sometimes things are just bad and bleak, and like I just don't I don't know. Maybe that's my depression brain that's not able to see like everything has a reason and everything has a purpose. Something's just seemed super cruel. And some people just seem very untalented but want to be talented, and that to me is like sad. If you want to be something and you can never be it, maybe you're an example. I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say.
When when a therapists say that, I don't think they mean it in like a like a religious or faithful respect. I think they mean it more like what people get their happiness from. So the flailing guy on the train, like his purpose is to go and to just flail around and get whatever. Yeah, it just like what what makes you happy? But what about people who commit genocide and that makes them happy?
Do we allow that? Like certainly not? You know, like what if him stabbing someone makes him happy? And then we're like whatever brings you joys? Like That's kind of what I'm I'm getting at is that I don't think that everyone has a purpose on this planet and that some people are right to be like I'm worthless, and like sometimes I I don't like hearing I'm beautiful when I'm feeling ugly. I don't like hearing I'm skinny when I know that I'm not the body I want to be, and all these things that I think that people just kind of have these platitudes that are empty to me. And sometimes I feel like my depressed brain does see things literally for how they are, and it can be I feel like I'm more enlightened than most people, and in a way that is like brutal because you just see like nothing matters. It does Like I'm I just don't like being average, and I don't think I don't see the purpose in being an average person. It just seems like you're a waste on the nation's resources and you're not contributing anything. I know I'm contributing something. I have meet besties all the time who feel very connected to me. I know that I contribute. But what if I didn't? Should I kill myself then? Like if I don't have this podcast? Should I like what am I bringing?
Joy?
Am I bringing to the world? I just don't. So I just feel then, I feel like all my worth is wrapped up in this thing that iHeartRadio presents to people like I just like there's a corporation behind what I bring to the world, Like, thank you, iHeart But does any of this make sense? That yourself like the ramblings of a true crazy depressed person right.
Now, you don't sound crazy, but you, I mean sound depressed. Everything is shit. It might be fun to, you know, just shot on everything for a while. That's always a fun thing. I like doing that. But no, you're you stumbled upon. Stumble upon you are acutely aware of the truth. Which which is that the cut? Which is that?
Yeah, it's turning around. Okay wait a second, yes, worth meter breaks.
Nothing we do matters, Nobody knows what the fuck they're doing. Everything that exists in this world in society is made up and all we can do is what we decide we want to do, and that's your fucking purpose.
I don't believe that we make decisions. You make decisions, I know, and so what am I supposed to do? But I do have a solution onto all of this. All of this does get better. I will tell you about it after the break, because I did have kind of a little bit of a piff.
Here's an ad for betterhelp.
That's so good. All right, we're back. So we're going to follow up on everything the moment in succession, because those is all connected. So I was my therapist in the morning. My therapist that I have now is somatic therapist, where she's like asks about what I feel in my body. It's all very confusing to me. I don't feel things in my body. I'm starting to kind of notice where I tense up and stuff, but it's still a fucking urreach. I'm just mad because I'm mad. I'm sad because I'm sad. I don't know where it presents in my body. Brian, you you are someone who's on the train with like are on board the train of all pain is in your head? Kind of thing or like not all of it, but I mean it is in your head. That's where you lie.
Well, that is the truth, even if you have like a broken bone and something that's in your head. Yes, everything that you sense and feel comes from your brain, and so it.
Comes from your nerves sending a message to your brain. So it is from your brain.
But there are a lot of instances where you do not have a physical manifestation that would cause pain, and your brain is just creating pain due to ace trauma or anxiety or things like that. I'm I'm definitely I have lots of that.
Yes you do. And it's it's supposed supposed to be enough to know that you that is what's causing it to make it go away, like knowing the route is to make it go away. But it's a lot more than that. Uh I guess, yeah, it just finds another place to start lighting up.
It didn't work for me just knowing that. I mean, then yeah, if if it crops up somewhere else and then it tricks you into thinking that it's a physical symptom, then it really hurts.
But like, do you ever talk to it and go I hear you? I knowed I get it. Like that has helped for me. When I had a cold sore coming on because of stress, I just go, hey, message received. I am stressed out right now I need to relax more. You don't need to turn into a blister. I don't need the full message. It's you know when someone's explaining something to you and you get it right away, but they keep talking and they need to say it a million times over. Yeah, that's what I say to my cold sore where I was just like, got it, don't need to go the full route. Like everything you are saying I completely get. Let me repeat it back to you. Cold. I am stressed out, I am suffering. I am saying yes to too many things I don't want to do. I am not sleeping enough, I am not eating right, you know, like you just tell it like, got it, I'm gonna address it. You can go away now. It right for me.
The other day I thought I was having a shingles outbreak again because I had shingles years ago, remember, and NICKI was like, I was freaking out because I'm like I know this tingling pain. Yeah, exactly what it is. It feels just like you have a cut on your arm with an exact o knife exactly like that, and then you look at your arm exactly nothing there, And that's what it feels like for a few days before the thing comes on.
You get shingles, yeah, and then you're out.
For like a couple of weeks and it feels like you got the flu really bad and it's gross, open soores, and you can get shingles multiple times.
So I told niki Ye.
She told me to do that, and I did it, and probably I wasn't getting a shingles outbreak, who knows, but I never got the thing.
I just kept say to the level. You can do it for sniffles, you can do it for a sore throat coming on whenever. But some people want to get sick, Like we all know people that are like I'm getting sick, and they like they want it and they can and you can also invite it. That doesn't make me feel any less bad for those people. Like, a sickness is a sickness, whether you brought it on unknowingly, subconsciously or not. Like I'm not taking anything away from these illnesses. It's just you might have more control than you think. Right, the thing that you don't want to turn into the thing a letter and just be like, hey, thank you so much for showing up. I needed someone to kind of like shake me awake about my life not going the way. I need to walk more, I need to gather in the sunlight. Whatever you can, let it know you're going to do so it doesn't need to show up all the way because it's trying to send you a message.
What you're doing there is twofold. One thing is you are acknowledging, acknowledging the connection between the physical symptom and the emotion and the anxiety, saying that this is not a physical problem that I'm having. This is yes, because I'm having an emotional problem. My body, my limbic system, whatever is reacting in this way. And then secondly, you're not empowering it. You're kind of undermining it by talking to it, like if you talk to it like it's a little baby or a dog or something, that undermines it. Because what you resist persists. If you have a symptom, you and you are scared of it, and you keep focusing on it, and you're like, how do I get rid of these headaches? How do I get rid of this, you know, pain in my joints? How do I get rid of this pelvic pain? How do I get rid of my ibs? If you just keep focusing on it, it will just get worse because your subconscious mind will say this is important, this is dangerous, and we need to continue sending these signals because that's what the brain's focusing on. If you can talk to it like it's a baby, undermine it, and then just ignore it, it'll slowly your brain will be like, well, this isn't doing anything, so let's just not do it anymore.
Thank it. Because when you thank someone and you go thank you so much, it sends them away, you know, like, so it's trying to give you a gift and you go, oh my god, thank you, but no, thank you, I've already had enough, Like I don't eat sugar or whatever. It is, like someone's bringing you a cake. You beat polite to it because it's trying. It is. It's trying to do good, trying to slow you down, so you stop. Like shingles would put you out on you you wouldn't be able to work, you wouldn't be able to think about anything else. Therefore, you wouldn't think about all the other things that it's trying to get you to stop thinking about exactly, you know what I mean, like it would it would. It's trying to help you by not and it's pain. Is trying to help you by not letting you suffer emotionally, because emotional suffering is so we're so scared of it because we don't it's not something that we feels tangible to us. I think our brain reroutes it to physical things. I mean, that's just my interpretation. I wish we had Andrew Huberman here to explain any of this and tell us we're all wrong. But every time I see his podcasts, I'm just like I learned something new. I ever somebody to see a clip of that sixteen hour podcast. But so I went to this girl and she was talking to me about girl Woman, and she it's interesting because I've been just gaining weight recently. I've talked about it on the podcast. It's not like a lot of weight. I don't hate. It's not like I feel like I'm fat or I hate you because you might be fatter than me. Please don't put this on yourself. It's just a me thing. None of my clothes fit. You get it. I've already said it, but it's crept up because I've started eating at night again, Like I wake up in the middle of the night and I am not It's not because I'm hungry. Let me mind you. I know a lot of people eat at night because they starve all day. That used to be me. I don't starve during the day anymore. I eat like a normal person during the day, and then I'm in the middle of the night. I wake up at like two hours after I've gone to bed, and I am a ravenous And it's not actual hunger. It's just because if it were hunger, I would just keep eating because I don't know or I would it would. I just I kind of know the difference. I don't know how to describe it because it just it seems like hunger. And so I've been eating in the middle of the night, back to my old wily ways. And it started out as just like I'll just have a little something. I didn't need to eat enough today, you know. It started out as me justifying it, like, oh, my body just needs food to get through the night, and then it turns into like every single night I get to like stop at a rest stop and get snacks, like it's just like I'm one of my bodies on a road trip through the night. Protein bars because they're the easiest and I like am very connected to them. Those are like my eating disorder food because they're packaged, you know exactly how much you're getting. There's like a sweetness to it, there's a saltiness to it, like I just have my ones. And it's become like this habit where I'm doing it probably six nights a week. If Crispin's the night, I don't tend to do it, maybe because he's there and it would feel like I'd have to sneak it because I'd be horrified if he caught me in the middle of the night eating. So like maybe once or twice a week, and sometimes I just like sleep through the night and I don't know why, and I wake up in the morning and I feel like a million bucks because I'm not like bloated from eating a literally and I'm not talking about one birdieu bar. I'm talking about several. I Mean, this isn't like I used to where it was like nine and that's not an exaggeration at all. I used to eat nine prode bars throughout the night. I was like two or three. And that's the God's honest truth, like never more than three at this moment, but three every single night. Let's talk. That's like six hundred calories over the course of it takes I think thirty five hundred calories to gain a pound, So that's three weeks I've can gain, you know, two or three pounds. And I've been doing this now for months. It's like crept up and it's like now it's showing up. My clothes don't fit. And and I'm also tired of it because it's just like it's this, it's just not it doesn't make sense why I'm doing it. So I was talking to her about doing your sleep, yes, and because your body has to like process it. And now I get now my body thinks it's time to eat. It's like it's not even but it's emotional. I mean, because what it feels like in the middle of the night is a huh. It feels like a hug. And I've never described that. I was talking to Chris about it yesterday about emotional eating, and He's like, I've never understood when people say, like eat your feelings and I really haven't either, and I'm someone who's been doing it my whole life. I know I just don't because I'm not connected to my feelings, right. So, but she actually blew my mind yesterday because she was like, well, when you like cry a lot during the day, or have some kind of like emotional expression, or you receive some sort of comfort, or you have a strong emotional connection with someone you share or you open up in some way, does the eating happen those nights? And I was like, I don't know. I gotta start tracking it because I want to see, like maybe that is. Maybe I just need to cry and then I don't have to gain a bunch of weight, Like maybe if I just let out some feelings, that's what that is. So I am done doing it. I like, am just flipping a switch where I'm like, I'm just I don't get to do that. So now, like last night, before I went to bed, knowing I don't get to in the middle of the night, I was like, well, you get to eat as much as you want before bed, because it's the kitchen is closed when you go to sleep. And it was kind of nice because I just like pigged out before I went to bed, knowing that like, well, at least I'm not gonna eat in the middle of the night because I can't do that, and that, I think really helped me be not like restricting before bed either, just being like, well, when you wash your face to go to bed, it's done. Like I'm eating up until I wash my face. It's nice.
But like someone talk about not being able to understand that phrase, because I also had that, like what eat your feelings?
I don't get it.
But then when I first got into recovery for my eating disorder, I would sit down and eat lunch, let's say, and then I would have a journal, and once my lunch was over, or sometimes during lunch, I would just start journaling, and I'm like, I don't understand this eat my feelings thing, And then I would fill up like four or five six pages in my journal and I'd be sobbing, and all of a sudden, I started to see, Oh, I have all of this pent up whatever you want to, rage, sadness, anxiety of future, shit, like so much going on that I had no idea about because I would just eat through it, not realizing I was eating because I was anxious, not because I was hungry, and then I slowly was able to over time distinguish between anxiety and actual physical hunger.
Yeah, but then getting through the anxiety is just tough because it does. It does sate my anxiety. When I wake up in the middle of night and i'm I'm stressed or a like, go for it. When I finish that bar, I'm not, I don't need more. I'm I got the hut, like I need three.
Two.
Usually it's like one, but sometimes two. I feel good. I feel like I can go back to sleep and everything's okay. Sometimes I wake up again and I have another one, like but I feel it does feel like I get wrapped up in a blanket and someone's like, it's okay, And I don't even know what I'm stressing out about it. If you ask me in those moments, I wouldn't go I had a bad dream, or I'm worried about you know this, shoot tomorrow, or I don't. There's no thought process behind it. It's just an impulse. And I know this is relatable. That's why I'm sharing it. I know there's some people that go, I don't I'm gonna understand this at all, But everyone is out of control with their food in this country. There's no one who doesn't struggle with like I want to eat these things and I shouldn't eat this. So I'm not alone here. But she said to me, she goes, when this is an interesting question to ask yourself if you struggle with like overeating or just you know, feeling out of control of food. She was like, in that moment when you wake up in the middle of night, is there anything that you could get instead of the food that would make you feel better? Like? Is there anything? Is there anyone that could like, is there like someone that could like offer their assistance or like? And I was thinking about it, and really what she was saying was is there someone that could like hug you? Is because when we were getting out that I need comfort and that this is a substitute for a hug and an intimacy, whether with myself or others. And I was like, no, because she goes, think about anyone in your life that you'd want to hug you in the middle of And I'm like, no one, because they're sleeping and I'm a burden and I don't want someone to have to hug me. I don't know why I have this thing. I don't like when people hug me because I feel like the whole time they're like, when can I stop doing this? This is annoying for me, Like I don't want to be hugging her, this is she's a lot, and they want to get away. And I know that's not everyone's perception, but it's certainly I think I'm projecting because I know that when people start going like around me, I go, I'm never going to be able to get out of this, Like I'm great to be here for the next fifteen to thirty minutes to comfort them, but they need so much and I can't stay all day. I have to go eat three protein bars in my bathroom or what you know, I have stuff to do. So do you ever feel that way? You guys, win someone.
I don't like getting hugged at all, so I can relate.
Why is that?
I don't know. I guess my mom didn't hug me enough or something, and I never got used to getting hugs, and so whenever someone.
Else, what's the thought that goes through your head when someone hugs you, get the fuck off me. There's no there's no like they don't really want to be doing this.
No, No, it's just like I don't want this to stop. I think it's just a cells gross I don't accept this. Maybe it's I don't up to the fact that you'd want to touch me or hug me. I gottat accept the warmth of your your brak.
Yeah, like I feel like it's it's they feel obligated or it's performative, and I'm jealous of people that can just accept a hug and so I will spoiler alert do the spoiler alert where's the horn sound? Succession spoiler alert? So in the latest episode, Shiv is deeply wounded about her dad's death and sorry if you didn't get to it yet. But honestly, I'm not sorry at all. If you are two weeks late in Succession, you aren't a fan, and I know some people just haven't watched it, so forget that he dies, even though the whole time you know he's going to die at some point in these seasons. Actually, I am sorry. Sorry, Okay, So I can't decide if I'm sorry or not honest same flip flopping. I would probably be pissed if I was someone that like hadn't seen it yet and had planned to, I'd be annoyed with me. So okay, I relate. I want to give you a hug. So she is crying about she has scheduled her grief. So she is such a busy person that her assistant has gotten her a room at their office where she can just go into a dark room and just cry during the day, which I think is hilarious and relatable. So she goes in this room to like weep quietly. There's also another thing she's dealing with, but I won't spoil that, but I guess I bet you can guess what it is. So she's crying for two and she's in there and her ex husband or like soon to be ex husband, they're going through a divorce, they're separated, comes in and she has not told him about the other person she's crying for, and she is crying and he walks in not knowing she's in there, and he's like, oh my god. And she they have just a very tumultuo, like a very contentious relationship at this point, and she is just cold to him and he's kind of rude to her. And he's always been the one that shows more warmth than she's always been kind of cold, and he's like they have kind of like a moment of sweetness and he's like, come here, and she just like resists it so much and he's like, come on, please, And I almost burst out crying because the idea that he wanted to comfort her, like I could tell that he wanted to. It wasn't like I gotta comfort my wife she's hysterical right now. It was like I want this more than you do, maybe, And it was so sweet to me that she got that, because I just feel like and I think that people probably give that to me. I was even telling Anya she's one person that I never mind going to, and same with Noah Brian. It's to be seen, but Noah and Anya are always great people to go with my life anxieties because they always they seem to enjoy helping me or comforting me. Start giving you have.
To be like, Okay, I'm done talking about this now because I'm like and also point number forty seven, you're like, I'm actually good, I'm all talked out.
Yeah, I can recover pretty well from things, but no I have definitely felt like, you know, I'm so grateful for you guys, because I don't know what I would do without some people that I could literally at any time of day dump some stuff on, and even if you don't get to it right away, I know at some point you're gonna have a very thoughtful, very compassionate response. And same with my girls chat all the girls on there listening. You guys are all the same and always give me lots of love when I need it. But in terms of like hugging, though I don't know that i'd want, I don't know that I even though I think you'd be okay hugging me, I just feel like it's just I feel like a burden. And so I need to like kind of work on that because I know Chris Convey, my amazing boyfriend, love helping me. There's nothing Chris Convey loves more than helping other people. And so I do have someone that like gets almost gets off on being there for me, and yet I still in the middle of the night would feel bad waking him up to be like, will you hug me? So I don't eat a half a box of kind bars, you know, like I just would feel weird doing that. But I'm gonna try to start doing it. I'm confused to what I'm saying.
I'm hearing you say I don't like hugs because I am assuming they want people do not want to be in that hug with me, And then I'm also hearing I want to hug, So which is it?
Yes, I do want I want a hug, but I don't want someone to feel like they like I'm just doing this because Nikki needs it.
Have you tried assembling a man out of kind bars in the middle of the night, the kind you're eating?
Oh my god.
Yeah, Well something for you to think about, Nikki. Maybe it's not like, don't use the word someone, but use the specific person. Like if you ever came to me, that's what I want. When you come to me and you have a problem where or something's bothering you, I would never just like tolerate you. And you know I love listening to you, and I do love helping you a lot, and I do care about you a lot. And I am at a point in my life where I don't have time for friends that I tolerate or any or any people in my life that I just like put up with, Like I just don't. I've just gotten to a point where my life is now on the shorter end than the longer end, and I don't want those kind of people in there.
Yeah, I guess I have to trust people when they offer comfort that they're not doing it out of obligation. And I'm not ever forcing anyone to do anything.
If but I needed me, or if I was distressed and you saw it and I didn't ask for a hug, would you Is there any part of you that would feel like hugging me.
Yeah, I don't have a problem giving hugs to people. But it also because I have good boundaries with you where I know you, you would understand if I'm like, I can't be here, I can't comfort you about this longer than an hour, like that's all I have to give. I have to get to other things. Like but I do feel like I have a friend right now who just lost a parent, and I really struggle with that because it's my biggest fear and I just never know what to say and nothing I say will be good enough. And also I feel like I can't get out of comforting this person. You can't be listening to someone cry about losing their mom on the phone and then go I have to actually go to the grocery store, or like I need to go work out, like I can't. I know I can do that, I don't see away. I feel very trapped. So I recently, instead of ignoring the person like I used to and just not sending anything because I know that I can't do that for them, I just wrote a message. It was very hard for me, and that this is me. Oh, it's so hard for me comforting my friend who lost a parent. But I wrote to them, I am thinking about you every day, which is true. I love you so much. I can't imagine what you're going through. Just know that I love you, and I did not rise. I almost wrote I'm here for you if you need it, I'm always here, but I did not write that because the truth is I'm not. I can't handle that person's grief right now, and I can't handle that's because you are supposed to. It's right. It's like.
No, no, does this go hand in hand with with what you were talking about in the first segment and not feeling good about being average, where a part of you feels like you need to help this person find closure, and you know, just go up to like one hundred percent with what you're doing. Yeah, possibly it's a perfectionist type thing, but it's also it's it's that this person. I I don't want to leave this person if they're so sad. And I think that sometimes people can depend on me. I have gotten into situations where people depend on me emotionally too much, and I start to that's when I shut down, and then I become cruel and I will go someone because I can't handle hearing about this thing they're going through, whether they lost it, Like I just I don't do well with people's grief, and I think it's because I just feel like it's.
What are those sand traps? Like a yeah, like a sand trap that you get caught in and you'll never get out of. Like have you ever yeah, quickstand, have you ever comforted someone when they're losing someone and you just feel like you can't get off the phone and there's it's never gonna be enough, There's there's no closure to comforting someone with a parent.
Are emotional vampires, and that needs to be called just like, let's just say it. Some people really do go through stuff, But then there are other people and they might not have even lost a parent. You cannot get off the phone with them for an hour and then you'll say, I hate to do this, I got to run. I have a thing, and they're like, yeah, really quick, one more thing I wanted to ask you about. And it's like, I've had people like this in my life where they need four warnings before I actually get off the phone. Those people are my vampires.
Don't understand these people. We were watching Couples Therapy the other night.
On Hulu showtime.
Yeah, it's the show where it's a show where couples go and talk to this woman what's her name, Anya, Sorry she is a couple or not couple's therapists. Couples go to her. They like show their whole session. It's very fascinating. Brian, I think you'd like the show. I'd like to get your thoughts on it. But they you watch these couples like go through all these hard times. It's very honest and it's just fascinating. Anyway, a lot of times these couples and I've been in couple's therapy too, and Chris and I will just be it. We will just get onto something and it's times up and I am constantly looking at the time, and I am aware that our time is up, but I know that we and Chris will know it too. And as soon as she says like starts having kind of like you know, maybe putting away her notebook or like kind of like putting like picking up her phone or whatever to kind of signal this is like wrap it up, I instantly go, Okay, well next week, well we can leave this here, let's get to We'll see you next week. And I'm like, let me get out of your hair. I don't ever want to be someplace where someone is where I'm taking advantage and getting more of their time than the time allotted. And there's a couple on the show where she'll like be like our time is up and they'll keep going. I could not relate to someone more than if they kicked their dog and they littered on the street, Like that is the same kind of That's how little I could ever relate to once or I or if you if a store is closing and you go in five minutes before you show up and you go, are you guys still open? I would never do that ever, because these people don't want to be there anymore. They hate you and you're done.
Yeah. I used to work in a deli and an hour before right now, remember the deli. I used to work in a deli. In the hour before we close, we'd clean everything up, and the one thing you would clean is the slicers that slice the meat. And then sometimes people will come in and be like, are the slicers closed, and we'd say, oh, yeah, we just we just cleaned them. And I'm like, but it's only seven forty five and it's not an hour before you close. And then they make us put the slicers back together and slice the meat. And if you think you're getting good sliced meat at that point in mind.
I just like, don't want to be somewhere I know that someone doesn't want me, and that's why I don't like. I don't even like sometimes going on people's pot This comes back to the podcast thing. I don't like going on people's podcasts because I know sometimes they their book or booked me, and they really don't even want to be interviewing me. They don't want to do research on me, they don't have any interest in talking to me. It's just an obligation and it makes me want to jump out of my skin, whereas some people are like I deserve to be here. I'm a cool person. You should be lucky you're talking to me. I wish I could be like that.
Sometimes you just don't feel that way because there's a lot of situations where you're like a pleasure, Like people are like would love to have you. Having you there is like a great what's the word a great boon? Yeah, like if you do someone's if you did someone's like random show, that would be like an amazing like get for them because you don't feel good about that.
Well, when I'm a good get, but when it's someone who's a little bit more famous than me, and I realize, like reading about me would be that like I've had to prepare for people that I'm like, who is this part? Like I don't ever want to be a burden for someone.
I was thinking I couldeel like you, and then I was like, I do relate. If there's a party and there's a guitar and someone out of let's say there's a fifteen person party and one of the people goes.
Anya, will you play a song please?
I'm in hell because I'm like, I guarantee not all of these fifteen people want to be hijacked by a chick with their guitar, and I don't even want to play. And I'm just like, like, if all fifteen were like, yes, please, we're fans, play this one song, I might get into it. But ye, that to me is hell. And that's when I start assuming things that I don't know to be true. And that's what you're doing. You're creating an assumption in your mind and you're believing it. They don't worry here, but that's a story. Yes, that's a depressed right person's story.
Person's outlook, and that's what I'm dealing with right now. And I went to that voice lesson after my my uh therapy, and I knew he wouldn't make me sing because I was just not I was just like on the brink of crying every two seconds and just feeling like I'm just average. I don't want to be and you can't lie to me anymore and say that I'm special. And he was just like, what are you talking about? But he just talked to me about I love you. He's said something that really resonated with me. Anya met him ONNYA and I went to a voice lesson with so good.
Yeah, a depressed person that things are good? How long are you being depressed for? Not? Not total?
This week isn't about a week?
About a week because like depression comes in wave like it's like it's you have a cold. You're just depressed for a while, and at a certain point, your brain's gonna be like what the fuck am I doing?
It's gonna stay it away, Yes, And it totally happens like that. You just wake up one morning You're like, I'm not sick anymore. Like it's it really is. I wish it was looked at as like a cold, because everyone seems to get on board with people just coming down with something and being kind of like not the greatest to be around. Yeah, but when you're depressed, it's just like, no, what do you have to be depressed bout. It's like, I don't know, my brain caught a disease. It's just in that state this week, and I know it's not true, and yeah it's I mean, it's not as bad as it usually gets. I'm like usually pretty catatonic and really like mean and making everyone around me completely miserable. And I've tried not to do that. This time, but it's you know, I'm a little bit better about it.
And but when you're sick, you can wear a scarf and you can have tea and then you can yes sniffles and everyone's like, oh, that person is sick. When you're depressed, it's not like you can dress emo and start walking around with.
Like, my face looks fucked what. I'm depressed though, like everything. That's why I'm wearing sunglasses today. My eyes are puffy, not from crying, just from like being sad, and like everything on my face is kind of pulled down. I've been sleeping too much, so my face is like pillow indense in it, and like, I just you know, when I'm depressed, my dreams are a vacation. They're like you know Nick Griffin joke, like sleeping is or naps are mini suicides, like you just get to like disappear. And I love sleeping when I'm depressed. I love it. It's like this dream world where everything can happen. There's all these possibilities. I'm not myself and yeah, it's just but I realize from reading all of my suicide books, I am not alone with feeling this way, and there are many people out there. It's like half of people struggle with suicidal tendencies. Half that's a statistic about like one tenth of people attempt it, and only one out of those ten actually, Like it's like this is a very common thing. I would say more people kill themselves and make it in the NBA every year.
I think.
It's like the suicide rate is fucking insane, and it's it's never something I'm gonna do in it, but it is something that I It's almost like saying, I just I know that my parachute is going to open on the way down, but I'd like to have that little extra one that I'm never gonna pull just in case, like it just isn't out, in case it gets too bad. You know, Like even though I would never do it, I'm never gonna why would I open that Parni hairhot knowing that I'd regret it right away? Because everyone that does regrets it right so right away. The fact that there is no proof that this life is gonna get better once I do it, Like it's like you're trying a lot of people commit suicide or want to commit suicide because they want to. They want to punish everyone around them. They want to show everyone something. It's like a you know, he actually covers it in this book called How to Not Kill Yourself. It's a very fascinating book, and I do recommend it to anyone who's maybe thought about it or like just interested in the subject of it. And it's actually he's making an argument for not doing it, but a lot of people do it too, go fuck you mom and dad, or like, this is mine, my desire to do it, I don't think about Oh. He kind of compares those people that think about if you think about what your funeral is gonna look like when you're dead, and like how everyone's gonna be crying and all that stuff, you're one of those people that's doing this for revenge and to like hurt people, and maybe not because you're so hurt. I mean, it's all about that. Mine is I can't keep doing this. It's just I'm exhausted. It's like when you are running when you have a goal in mind to run four miles and you're in mile one and you go, how the fuck am I gonna do three more? I mean, this is just something I relate to because I'm always have the goal of four miles, and I know I can do the four miles. I've done it before. I did it yesterday, and you just go, how am I gonna do it? You just think it never ends. That's why I don't want kids, because kids never end. At least if I'm in the middle of shooting f Boy Il, which is coming up, and I'm very excited about reason to live. If I'm shooting f Boy Island and it's a really hard shoot, there is an end to it in sight. It's three weeks away, it's eight weeks away. Kids, it's eighteen years. I myself am not strong enough to sign up for something that is endless, Like, yeah, eighteen years. Even with marriage, there's a dipcomatic.
And they want to move back in your house, or they want to take your money, or they shoot you.
Yes, I went yes, sar. So I have to say to people that I have kids, I am I think you are in No, You're absolutely right. They can become completely dependent on you, and they're really they say, they say eighteen years old is like the cutoff, but most parents do not cut off their kids at eighteen. They're not like heartless banks, you know, like this is there is like it goes beyond that, and so I really give it up to parents for taking that chance that you are going to have to do. So you're committing to something that will never end for you, even after you were always a parent, you were always going to love something so much and worry about something so much and have to stick around for something so much. So before we go to break mine is just like I just am too tired and like I can't do this anymore, and it's too pain, like you want the pain to stop. So those are the two different kinds. But I would never do it because I read something last night and it's like I am pretty certain there's not an afterlife. I feel like your spirit like might live on in some kind of like realm or something. I don't think that's like I keep living and like walking around in the clouds with other people, but I there's no guarantee that it's going to be better. I might just be signing up for a shittier version of light. And like the one I have is by all accounts extremely good, like compared to Yeah, I could have been to him. I'm very lucky. So and I always realized that it's I've never once thought I want to die and then not been able to get over that feeling and be able to not relate to that feeling at all. There always is a moment where I won't relate to the feeling. That feeling might come back, but I always will get over it, and so it never It isn't lasting forever. So that really is what stops me, is that this can be a little fantasy of mine, but it's never going to be something I do because I would never again. I would never commit to something that lasts forever, and suicide is forever, much like kids suicide or it's called what is it called now, taking your suicide, dying by suicide, because you're not supposed to make it like they did something they can't help that they killed themselves. No one would want to do that, so it's not their fault. But what I got to is the same reason I don't want to have kids, the same reason I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to do anything that is forever that I might regret.
Yeah, they should do like a love is blind, where it's like but death is mute, and at the end you have to decide whether or not you're gonna kill yourself.
Death is mute.
Yeah, like instead of deciding you're get married to someone and you're you're just talking into a mirror for six weeks and then at the end you decide whether or not you're gonna kill yourself.
Oh my god, I love like squid Game.
Yeah, brilliant. Death is mute?
But why death is mute?
Because like love is blind. I'm just trying to right.
Yeah, Okay, I see what you're doing there. Let's let's talk more about this or maybe less when we get back up to this. So then I went to this so to scrap this up, because come on, nick, I went to the voice lesson yesterday and he was just he said to me, because I was talking about all these you know, I don't know what I want to do with my career anymore. Because I gotta be honest with you, all the things I think I want, I don't really want to do all the things it takes to get that, you know, Like sometimes I watch Succession, I'm like, I should do a show like Succession. Do you know what that takes? Do you know how hard it is? First of all, you have to pitch a show to like eight networks, and when you go pitch a show, which is one of the most annoying processes ever. You have to go sit on Zoom with a bunch of executives and then pitch a show, and then they have to ask questions afterwards. And not only you have to pitch a show, you have to practice pitching the show before the show. So for every meeting you have to pitch it, you have to practice and pitch it to fake people with the people that you're pitching with, and then you go in and pitch it's it's I know, this doesn't sound that bad. It's the thing I hate more than anything in the world. And I've pitched, you know, hundreds, I've been maybe dozens of pitch meetings in my life. And then you have to write it, and then you have to deal with the network giving you notes, and then you got to rewrite it and you got to take out stuff you really loved because the network doesn't feel like that's really what they want. So a few people have a Luis Ck two thousand and fifteen deal where you get to do whatever you want and the network doesn't bother you. That literally has never happened, so anything that you think you're going to make ends up being bastardized and uh with tons of other voices. Then you got to go make it, and you got to sit in the trailer all day. And it's like I realized that, you know, I've talked about this before. I'm someone who always wants things that I like that I I just want the thing. I don't want to do the work that gets to it. And I also want things that I actually don't want. I just want to be someone who would want them, you know, like I want, I wish, I I really wish I threw dinner parties. Yeah, I cook, yes, same, But I don't like any of the things that that entails you. They don't care about cooking.
You don't want to talk to the people when they get there.
I don't want to hug them when they walk in the door. I want them to leave. When I'm ready for them to leave, I don't want them to I don't Nikki knows how to set up a good hang you. I love setting up hags. I love ordering from places to like everyone eat like. I love putting together Postmates.
Or Yeah, when we were in Palm Springs together on the Girl's Trip. One of the highlight meals was like all the stuff you picked from Whole Foods, like all the sushi and stuff, and you and Sara Lena set it up together.
Yes, and Sarah Lena set the plates because she made it look nice. I would have just had us eating out of the things. But like I wish I looked at cerely doing that. I was like, I wish I was good at that. It's like, but I'm not. Why do I want to be good at some Why do I I don't like doing that? She likes doing it.
I love the process whatever. There are things you love doing and you do them, and you do them over and over again, and you have to not look at the outcome. You have to look at at doing it, which is like life.
You enjoy the process.
Doing it is what you brings you joy. Like you love getting on stage and doing stand up. That's why you do it over and over and over again.
Yes, I like writing jokes. I like coming up with funny ways to present, to synthesize a bigger idea. I like to make it in a like small little package. I like getting those last You enjoy that process. But there's so many things I want in life where I don't enjoy any of the process, and I keep hitting these walls of like I want this, But then I think about doing and I'm like, what if I started from a place of And I shared this on the Girls Chat because Michael Rochio, my teacher, helped me get to it. What if you focus on the things that you actually like doing, like what interests you like, not things that can make you money, that you like doing, What do you like what do you enjoy doing now? And also what what brings you joy? And then also what are you good at, like what are you just naturally inclined to do? Make a list of both of those things. See if any of them overlap, because quite often they do. We like doing things we're good at. We are good at things that we like doing because there's we're not judging it as much because you're enjoying it, so it's enjoyable. And this you don't put pressure on yourself, So you're probably good at it, because putting pressure on yourself gets in the way of actual you know, merit, I think a lot of times, and so you're probably good at the thing. And then do that and I know a lot of people are like, well, I can't. I have to do administrative work for my job. I can't always just not everyone could do what they love. But I mean even in your free time, like do just do things that make you happy and stop feeling bad about the things you like? Purpose? Yes, Oh, what do you mean? I think that is what like what you're saying.
I think is what therapists say is purpose, like find your purpose, find the things that are not like money driven, just things that make you happy.
And it could be anything.
I just think it's the word purpose that that that catches me because it's like when you say purpose, it's like some grand thing when it's really is like, oh, just figure out what it is you want to do and do it, because that's all that matters. There is nothing you do actually matters. But when you call it a purpose, it's like God has bestowed this.
Purpose means that it's something you're giving to the world, that you're trying to make the world a better that you do make the world a better place, whether others enjoy what you do or you know you're not taking from the world. Yes, and that is purpose.
Like any people who just consume.
Yeah, and just some of those people.
Well, you give back, But there are some people who just their whole lives is just eating and doing and never never do, never providing me.
That's why I say, why are those people? What gets those people out of bed in the morning?
You're happy? Why have they go into a costa Rica?
And when they don't create anything? They don't put anything out there? Like how could your life be happy? I get mad because I see people whose lives to me look like shit and they're happy, and I'm like, why am I not happy? What I am doing? Purpose driven work? What what is the disconnect? I wish? And I think ignorance is bliss. I mean some of those people just aren't intelligent, and that's like, not that's not me being like I'm so smart because I'm very lacking in intelligence. It's it's uh, it's embarrassing sometimes how dom I can be. So that's not a it's just a fact some people are less intelligent, and so they just maybe that's it. I just I am trying. So then anyway, my teacher said, no one gets out of this alive, because I was talking about how I think the real thing that prevents me from doing the things I really want to do is the judgment of others, whether it's people in the reddit thread about me, like I I know there is a subreddit that constantly critiques and goes over what is going on with me. There there's gonna be a whole fucking post about this episode. For sure, she's suffering, she's doing like judgment, there's all of the And I I also as someone who critiques Taylor Swift's emotional state all the time and thinks, I know things like I feel really bad even contributing to that, because it's just so shitty to have people talking about you behind your back and like worrying about you and like and they don't even know you, and fake worrying, like not really worrying, just being judgmental. But I so often just worry what people are gonna think about me all the time. And even John mulaney special where he said he you know, so much of his special was about caring what other people think of him, And it's such an ugly place to live from and I just don't want to do it anymore. But at the same time, you if you live a life of not caring what anyone thinks, you're gonna be a piece of shit, you know, like you're gonna You're gonna just do everything you want to do and not care about anyone else. So where where's the happy medium? Because my teacher really got into my head about like no one, anyone who could judge you, is gonna die someday. Their opinion doesn't matter. Every nothing, no opinion about you is anything more than just this thing that's gonna not exist someday, So it doesn't matter. It's nothing gonna last. It's like your legacy will be you will not be remembered, just like everyone else and everyone who has an opinion about you will be dead. And that gives me comfort sometimes. But I wish I was someone that didn't care what people thought and could just do what I want. But I guess I care what I think. You know. I think that's what stops me is that I think some of the things that I enjoy doing are really lame. And I look at it and I go, God, she is just so cool, like cringe stuff, you know, Like my ideal world would be like anytime I had a thought about Taylor Swift, I would make a TikTok about it and be like and then this song really like I would do. I would do a podcast about every song of hers and offer my analysis take on it and how it emotionally like lights me up inside. And I would. I would, That's what I would do. I don't do it because because I'm thirty nine in one.
Month, there's a lot of thirty nine year olds doing that. When I was thirty nine, that was not cool. But we live in a new world now where that is totally acceptable and financially lucrative as well.
Yeah, I also don't, Okay, I would maybe post more videos on Instagram, just like funny things, but I I look I that would require me to put on makeup to make myself look good enough for myself, you know, Like I I don't like when I don't look good. And so that's do you know how much content I don't put out because I'm just not wearing a cute outfit or because I just don't my makeup. Isn't I look ugly that day? It's like innumerable, the amount of stuff. I can't even imagine the content I left on the floor because I just don't look good in a photo or I don't, you know, And that makes me so sad because if I didn't. If I really didn't care what I thought about myself and what others thought about myself, I could do so much more. It's holding me back so much. So I want to do an experiment where I don't care what anyone thinks at all ever, But then I'm also like, do I really want that? Because then I'd just be a complete piece of shit, because me caring about what other people think is what makes me compassionate and care about others Oftentimes.
Well, I think there's a difference between operating from a place of fear and operating from a place of authenticity. Like you don't want to be not doing things because you're afraid of judgment, you know you.
But a lot of the things I would put out would be to get people to like me more. So then if I don't care what people think, the content doesn't exist in the first place.
Just do anything from that place, like think about.
And I would lay in bed all day long and do nothing like that.
Groom and podcasts you referred me to with Barry Weisse, honestly because he talks about the thing I've always been afraid of. By the way you guys were talking about, like having a purpose my errape is mission, Like what is your mission? And sell felt books always talk about that, and he said, finally someone said this, like, it's not important for a songwriter to want to save the world or help the world. I always thought every songwriter that's successful wants to save the world or help humanity. He's like, no, really, yeah, I always because I always say that in interviews. They're like, the reason I do this is I just want to connect with people and help people. That's why I do this. And I'm like, I say, well, why do you do it?
Well, I do it because of what Rick Rubin hit on it.
He was like, you should be doing these things for yourself because you enjoy it, and it's like a bonus. I mean, I'm paraphrasing. I don't know exactly what he said, but I think that was it because I felt so much relief. I was like, Okay, God, I got a piece of shit.
No you're not, because any you're right, Brian. Anyone that says that is kind of lying. And and if they do get off on the idea of helping other people, they're still doing it for themselves to feel good.
Nobody's doing the joy. Nobody's doing anything to help the world.
I don't know about that.
They're all doing it for themselves. I agree, ultimately, otherwise they would go to help the world. Yeah, it makes them feel good and they're like, I'm helping the world. And then the people who talk in their interviews, the musicians who are like, I just want my music to touch the people of Africa or whatever the fuck they say, they're lying. They're they're just saying that because they don't want to say the truth, which is like I like getting, you know, blow jobs and stuff. That's what they want to say. I like getting blow jobs. It's what they want to say. They don't want to help people.
Comedians who say they love to make people laugh, Yeah, get fucking break, Go out of here.
Go go drive a bus off a bridge.
Can I guess why do you say to it?
Because I don't know what you're gonna say, Well, you used to do.
We've covered this many times.
I think John Mulaney said it literally special Okay, I was going to guess.
That you guys do it because you're trying to make sense of the world and you're processing it. It's like you're therapy.
Oh, you want people to like us.
Yeah, we go. I need someone to look at me because when I was when I was a little kid, people I was either the youngest child or I was the middle child, and people didn't pay attention to me, or I got bullied and I had to.
Be I was the oldest, but yeah.
Or whatever it is, they didn't pay attention to your enough. And so the only thing you could do when you were a kid to make you to give yourself any self worth is to make people laugh and that. And now you're just taking that and putting it on school because you need that.
I would be a singer if I was good at sick. I tried everything till I got to stand up and I go, oh, okay, I guess I'm good at this. I'll do this forever because I didn't have any other talent. But all I wanted was to perform and have people watch me and go, wow, she's good. And now I definitely feel amazing when I just met a fan, Talia at Starbucks, and then I met another fan who was my barista Lauren at Starbucks this morning, and they were thanking me for being so brave and just saying what I wanted and not worrying what other people thought, and that is a huge benefit to the thing that I already do. You know, Listen, I'm not sharing about my food eat and my eating at night, which is humiliating to me and a shameful thing I do. I'm doing that not to that doesn't make me feel better. To be honest with you, that wasn't performative. I feel kind of sick to my stomach from even sharing that because I know people are going to talk about it and worry about me. And you know, not everyone, but I think that some people will, and that really grosses me out, and like the whole pity thing, like, oh, she's struggling, she thinks about suicide. I do it because I I really do think that there are people out there that struggle with that, like me in the past, that have never heard someone who they might look up to who has the same thing. And that is why I do it. I do do it, but I do it for little Nicky who used to feel like no one else struggle with the thing she struggles with. So it ultimately is a selfish thing because I used to be that and think I'm alone. No one else has this fucking thing, So I do do it for other people because I don't want anyone to ever feel alone like that. But I also do it because I get really good positive feedback from people who say that I do help them, and that makes me feel good. So ultimately it is a selfish endeavor.
Final thought, I'm interested in piece of shit, Nikki. I think there should be a safe space where people can go and just be a piece of shit for like an hour, where you can go there's like a person at you know, you can go into a fake like restaurant and be a piece of shit to the purse, to the waitress or whatever. You can say, give me a fucking water, and then you can go talk to you a doctor or whatever and give me a shit to them, and then you could I think it would be a worthwhile venture to start a piece of shit safe space.
It's called a rose Okay, that's why you guys are comics.
Honestly. This it's called being in your car and having road rage. Yesterday I had so much road rage. Way do you guys hear this? I'm gonna play the voice Memoi left. I had just gotten done sending a message about like you know what, I'm just gonna live like you know, I don't care what anyone else thinks, like life is short. And then this is what happened. Okay, this is fucking insane. This really happened. I was driving down the highway recording this. Don't worry, I just hit a button and I leave it. It's like I'm holding up to my face. I'm not texting. And I was on the highway and I took I was trying to get off on an exit and this person wouldn't let me over, seeing me knowing that if I can't go, oh right in front of them, I'm gonna miss the exit and have to go to the next one when I want to get off to this one. And they purposely sped up so that I did go. And this is what happened. This is what I do.
So just let me over, you piece of shit.
Wait? Fuck, why did it keep going? Everyone's just so good in this town.
Rage.
I feel so much better now. I probably won't eat. Okay, So I left my I honed my horn for that was probably seven seconds long, like or maybe four seconds long. It felt so good to let that person know that their piece of shit. Man, that felt good. I want to do it again. But I just wanted to go around town honking at people, like driving into things. I was so upset.
But the other day I had so I don't have road rage, but I just wanted to, like, you know, like I'm just like a little bit angry, and I wanted to honk at someone. And I have never honked the horn of my RAB four. And when I did, it was the lightest, stupidest horn.
It was like that, at least you have a good horn.
Yeah, I was. It's it's horn, It really was.
It felt really good to do that, but it was just so ironic because I had just gotten done being like and I don't know, I'm just feeling a lot better and I just feel like I'm just not gonna care what people think anymore. And then I was like, what the fuck? You can't fucking get it? Just it just completely everyone in this It's so cuit to see someone try to get over and to purposely not let them over. But all you do is have to, like can everyone. I've stated this before in the podcast when you're driving. No offense to Matt. I've seen him do this too on the road. I see everyone who drives in a car with me do this. If someone makes a mistake next to you and needs to get over they've forgotten something, just let them over. Don't like get mad at them for a mistake they made. If they they're changing lanes and they accidentally go in your lane, instead of like honking like crazy, just realize they made a mistake, they corrected, and they don't need to actually like, they don't need to keep suffering. On top of that, and you might say, Nikki, why did you honk with that person because they purposely saw me and they made it so I couldn't get over, instead of what I have never once when I've been driving and someone accidentally like gets in my lane or kind of doesn't see me and pulls out too soon, I just slow down and let it happen. I don't like honk to let them know you just pulled out in front of me. They know they If it's on purpose, yeah I might honk, But if they we all know we accidentally, you just don't look one of the ways and you kind of like risk your life sometimes and you go, shit, I didn't even check it. I pulled out. They already know they did something wrong. Don't add to it. Do you know what I'm saying, you.
Need that If that person open their window while you're hunging then and I said, I'm sorry, I've just decided to be a piece of shit today. You accept it.
I would laugh so hard and love that person so much, and I would say, well, you're doing greatness.
I don't know if I'll in this way anymore. When I was living there, it really is like port LANDI and everyone's just so fucking nice, and it's like, no, yeah, go you go. It's like a pedestrian walking across a fucking highway and you're like, why are you stopping on a four lane road to let this random pedestrian? And they're like, because I'm nice, go ahead.
It's like, no, you're gonna kill this person.
There's the opposite is true too, like too many nice people driving.
When I'm trying to j walk and not in like a dangerous way. I'm waiting for like the and someone just stops in the middle of the road to let me go and go, this isn't a crosswalk. I'm doing the illegal thing. Don't you slow down for me? And then I have to like kind of that run in front of their car and bring my gate to a run and I don't want any of it. It's just like just keep everyone follow the rules, and if someone makes a mistake, just let them make a mistake and don't comment on it. Like we all. The only person that could ever honk it someone for making a mistake is someone who never makes mistakes. And if you're that kind of driver where you've never once pulled out accidentally too soon, or you've accidentally changed lanes and you didn't see someone in your periphery and they they and you almost hit them, just everyone's done it. So when someone does it to you, just slow down, let them change the lane right in front of you where they almost hit you. You saw them, Thank god you get to slow down. Just let them in and don't turn it into a whole thing where you are so put out. And I'm talking to men, men drivers. There are time down about other people.
There are times worthy of a honk, Like if someone is fast and furious speeding and they cut you off, that's worthy of a honk.
If somebody you know they're gone before they even hear it.
I know, but you got off the people.
We're having relationships with everyone on the road.
I don't understand yeah, stuck. I hates me. Fuck you, I hate you too. That lady hates They don't hate you. They just accidentally changed lanes without looking. And they are stupid, but you like some sometimes they I'll be with a guy and they'll speed up to like make it more confusing for them, and it's like, just let stupid people be stupid and kind of navigate around them because you're smart and you don't need to like lay on to it, if that makes sense.
You know what I hate when someone think when someone's behind me, We're in like traffic on the highway and someone's behind me and they think I'm going too slow, and then they go out of their way to go into the next lane and then get in front of me. And then they're just in front of me, also slow because it's traffic, and it's like, oh great, you're up there now in front of me. And so what I usually do is I try to get back in front of them, and then this is the whole war happened.
No, this is what I'm saying, just let it go.
No, I can't let them go because they have insulted me. They think I have a little boy.
Have you ever had someone prove anything to you on the road. Have you ever as a driver had made a mistake and then gone, wow, that guy really set me straight. And I'm gonna leave lead a different life, and I'm gonna go home and I'm not gonna beat my kids. I am gonna feed my dog like nothing. If enough to anything.
Good, I believe if I honk long enough and loud enough, I am saving children.
Oh my god, yes, well I do believe me honking yesterday that guy. It was funny to me because it just went on way longer than it needed to, so there was no way. It just make them kind of go like get confused. What was that? Noah?
I said, it gave us a great voicemail.
Oh yeah, that's true. Oh and I didn't even get to fan threats. What the fuck is wrong with me? Well, we have fan threks to get to. We're gonna save it for next week. We'll see you then. Thank you for listening to the podcast. We'll see you in Europe next next week. Very exciting. Thank you for listening. Dopica, And just let the person change enge in front of you and don't want them
