#329 All Goo & Stories From the iHeart Radio Awards w/ Brian Frange

Published Mar 29, 2023, 1:00 AM

Nikki is joined by Brian Frange at her hotel. They reminisce about the time they did their Not Safe podcast and Nikki's dog Luigi expressed himself in a way. This leads to conversation about peeing after sex and anal glands. Anya has another veneer update. Brian shares an irrational fear about wearing a wedding ring and also how he was molested as a 12 year old and only discovered it as an adult. Nikki had a session with a new therapist and so far so good. Brian and Anya learn that they both approach finances in a similar way. Nikki says she had one of her best times on stage recently at the Hollywood Improv because of the relatable thing that happened to her right before going on. She recaps the iHeart Radio Awards, being the only comedian on the red carpet, sitting next to Taylor Swift and the jokes she wanted to tell while she was presenting. 

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The Nicky Glazer Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's Nicki Glazer Podcast. It's Monday, Tuesday's it is Tuesday. Um, we're recording this Tuesday. I just have my days mixed up. I am here in Los Angeles, California, at my um really pretty nice hotel, UM corner corner. Sweet. I'm being put up by the iHeartRadio Awards that I got to do last night, and they got me a nice hotel and it was just just such a joy to do. And we'll get into that in just a second. I want to just go around and then produce everyone who's here. Noah is in Arizona. You guys know that it's also a city there. And um Anya is in Coopertino. Yes, Bay Area, Silicon Valley. Hell yeah baby, you are, Um, you're aware. Like the the interesting thing about where you are I always find is that you are on the will you describe it on you If you look at your iPhone, the logo of the map is exactly where I am. Yes, that's awesome. Isn't that cool because that's where Apple is? Yes? Oh wow, she's exactly on that Like, wait, is it almost exactly that. That's a little exit though, right, that's like a big exit ramp on the icon. I think that the icon used to have like two eighty on it. Maybe it'd be weird for your parents image. It's also a cool name for a city, Coopertino. It's such a cute name. I want to write that down if I had. Yeah. Um, the guy who taught us about Zizzis and taught us about Noah Arizona and just likes the name Coupertino. I'm starting to notice them is my good friend and past podcast co host of the Not Safe podcast. If you want to go back and listen to those, they are still available. Um it's Brian Frangie. Everyone isn't that horrifying? Are still available? Yeah, I'm dude, we're just taking the ship down by now. The podcast when Luigi came, oh my god, yes, oh thanks for bringing that up. I blocked that out of my memory. Luigi during one it was me and dancing Germaine in you. I used to do it as a bit in my act because we were It was me. It was at our office at Not Safe. It was a show I had on Comedy Central. Brian was the worked in our digital department. Dan was one of our writers Dancing Germaine, and we had a podcast that Comedy Central gave us to like promote the show on a different platform, you know. So we would just go into Brian's office and do this podcast. It was like my favorite part of the day. And one time Luigi Luigi was always in the office and he was on my lap. I had just gotten him, like a couple months before, and he had a he has a big penis sheath especially, Yeah, he has a bit. He has big penis and the sheath like the slit that it's supposed to go in the lipstick goes in, it would be too big, and so the penis would hang out a lot. Yes, it doesn't anymore, but for some reason, he was very horny back then and he it was always out. So one time during the show, Dan was making a big deal or you were making a big deal of like, oh God, his lip sticks out, and I was just like, chill out. So to get it back in, I wanted to scare it back in. Oh I didn't know that. I thought. No. I took his paw to like because I didn't want to like touch around that area. But I thought if you poked around the area, it would get scared and go back in. Yes, yes, So I took his paw and like tapped around his penis and stuff came out. Oh my god, I jerked my own dog off with his own It was all over my tits. That um yeah, Luigi came um. Which people have to do to um breed dogs and stuff they got or the breed horses. I thought you were talking about sticking the finger in the butt. Oh, that's to get a dog off you if it's attacking you. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I was talking about. That's mean that's to express its glands. Oh yeah yeah, yeah, you gotta and you. And now there's they're saying that that's not good anymore to do. You know, they must change everything. Every couple of years, you spend more. Now you're me to your dog. Yeah, now eighteen we could just stick our finger of our dogs ass and that's when things were great. Yeah yeah, um wait, No, the anal gland thing is a real thing on small dogs. They get clogged up. Does your dog have anal gland issues? No, we never expressed its glands, but I mean she shakes a lot. Well, that's if they poop, if they have too um, if they have their poops are too liquidy. Because poops go, poops get their glands going. So when poop comes out and it's hard, it expresses it for them. So if your dog has too much running poop, it's glands get like filled up, and that's when you have to go express them. Oh god, one time my dog is expressed all over, because sometimes they do it out of fear and they shoot it out like a skunk. Oh all over. John Early, Oh my god, I had a show. I had brought Luigi to a show and John saw me and was like hi, and he was like, look at the puppy, and Luigi just was freaked out and expressed all and we didn't know what happened. At first, you just kind of go it's clear, like it's invisible, but then generally is like oh, and I'm like, oh my god, why are you? Like we were so confused, what was that? Why are you wet? The smell isn't thet it's like a like a rotten fish worst smell. John Early is in the bathroom. We kind of don't know what happened, but I'm kind of starting to smell something, but it's got all over John, so it's barely like I can not even smell it in the room. But I'm like, oh my god, I think Luigi. And then I go John like through the door and he's like, yes, he is freaking out because he has to perform. It was at Um Hot Soup that show, a Kurt Brownowler's show, and it was upstairs in this like green room area, and he's in the bathroom ruined a sweater like it was on a sweater and he got all this fishy. So, I mean, I'm sure he still talks. Doesn't come off, No, it does not. It's that sweater was done. And I told him. I was like, I'll pay you for it, and he was very sweet. I think I offered. I can't imagine I didn't, but I don't think he let me or I just didn't offer. He's a funny guy to I'm sure his response would have been funny if you didn't it was too traumatized. It would be funny. Oh Um, I texted you saying I was gonna be ten minutes late, and then you responded, all good, but you've left off the d so it said, I'll goo. I know I didn't feel like sending the other D that made me laugh. I'll go, man, we have new words for coming express goo y. Yeah, I'm expressed all over my face. Oh my god, that's so funny to say that your boyfriend expressed. Just express yourself. Imagine if com smelled as bad as it dogs, as bad as it looks. I think, God, some time smell what some times? Um? I mean, I hope this happens to other people. But if a guy like comes in you and you leave it there for a little bit, it does start to smell like fish, and it's because that's that's yeah. Sorry, Uh, no one can relate. That's just your pussy nor Yeah, you read it out? How do you get it out? What do you mean? I've always been curious about that. I think it rips out when you pee. Okay, right, don't you think we can come out and it's exactly the other way that'll stay in. Yeah, I'm sorry everyone, but it's just true. After sex, men and women. Oh you must p People think it's just women, but men need to pee two sure, P two. Um, it's a P two movement. Yes, it's um, it's well, men do not get uts as much as No. No, it's more imperative for women to do. So that's one. It's like you have to pee like every single time or else will instantly get a uti. It's crazy, it's crazy. It's a horrible thing happened playing with fire in your pants, because it's it really is. It's no one. No one tells women that that should be a part of sex education. No one tells women anything that's a good feel like sex said is parallel parking. Watch this video of a baby being born. And that's all you need to know. And no, and so few people need to First of all, you don't need to know that you're going to have doctors who can cover that. Yes, you know. So you get mixed messages constantly. Can I say of a near horror story that I've had? Okay, so, any she is now in the in the in the month before where she has like fake ones because they're they're making, they're molding the ones that are going to be put in April fifth, right when you have any years. You can't bite into an apple anymore. I just can't use your teeth. You can't use your teeth at all anymore. And they hurt constantly. It's great, and you really regrets getting veneers. But she hasn't gotten the final one jet, and I think she's going to change your tune when she gets those. But George Washington like, you're borous teeth that I figured out how to get around that because they have been looking like wooden teeth, and every night I just look in the mirror and I'm like, you have fucking wooden teeth, dude, what is happening? Because they create these ridges in them to make them look natural, but then you drink a cup of tea and it looks like wood. But the other day I was like, fuck it, I'm using baking soda directly on these teeth because they're not my teeth. I can't ruin them. And it worked immediately and they were like bright white, like not wooden anymore. Oh good. But but the dentist told me a month ago, do not be afraid to brush these things. You got to brush your gums. Do not be timid at all. Brush brush brush because people are always timid, and then it causes bleeding if you're too timid around your gums. And if we install the permanent one while your gums are bleeding, they will turn them pink. So definitely brush your gums vigorously. I was like, okay, I've been brushing my teeth like four times a day after I eat, and I'm in constant pain. And finally, yesterday it just starts gushing blood and like doesn't stop, and I'm like, I'm done with this shit. So I call my dentists. She finally calls me back. Today. We're talking and I'm like, I've been in constant pain. I'm doing everything you said. I'm even like rinsing with salt water. I'm flossing gently. I'm like doing all the right stuff. And she's like, well, you know, I think you're just missing a spot and you just really need to brush very gently. You need to brush. Are you brushing gently? I'm like you told me to brush favorously. She's like, well, vigorously and gently. I'm just like I just started crying, Like, just say I fucked up. Sorry, I'm sorry, you're in pain. We'll take a look at it. Don't make it like, well you probably brought this on yourself, bitch. Yeah, it's so what so did she so? She so she definitely realized she had said something wrong, and then she tried to course correct. I said, well, I've been in constant pain for a month and I'm doing everything you said, but I have been in almost constant pain for four weeks and it's just silence. And then she goes, yeah, I hear you. Okay, Why can't dentists admit that they were wrong? That happened to me too, right, a dentist who refused to admit that she did something wrong. She kept trying to come up with different reasons why it was my fault. And at the end of the day, I was like, I did everything you said, and you've ruined my life. What was going on in your own life? I've had two teeth removed because of this. Really then they're gone right now? Oh my god, I'm waiting for the end to get an implant? Costs like ten thousand dollars a six thousand plant? What is going on? Why are teeth so expensive? And that is what you need to invest in the teeth market? Yes, yes, forget about a quick comedy. Yes, because that's one thing we have not math stirred clearly because you got these veneers and you're like, what what do you wish people would have told you about veneers before. You can't bite into anything. You can't they bleed all the time. You don't want to get rid of your reality. I mean, talk to me in a month when I have the permanent ones, and maybe I'll be like, it was so weird that I love Anyone complain about veneers before is the thing? You know why? Because no one admits they have them, right, and this is a this is the thing. It's their shame about having cosmetic procedures to improve your looks. People have shame about it. They act like they don't have it, They don't talk about it. So then everyone's quietly doing this and only being advised by their doctor who's making money off of them. And so the only if the only advice and encouragement you're getting to do it is from a doctor who is incentivized to encourage you to do it. What do you you know you gotta we gotta destigmatize these things. If you get veneers, it's okay, yeah, admit you. He was like people over the weekend, He's like, next time, don't do this. You got you can't make decisions on your own. You got to tell your friends before you do this. Us. We tell each other everything on the girls Chat, and I was like, why didn't you disclose this because one of the girls on the girls Chat has had veneers and shared not doing this even though I don't think it's going to be a mistake and I think you're gonna love them. But I think you were like you didn't want to be talked out of it, you said, I think I just yeah, It's like I go into a weird mode sometimes where I'm just like it's like on my to do list, like buy salad, dressing, go to the post office, get veneers. I'll just handle it. It'll just be a thing I'm doing. You know, I've done this before with a big decision in my life, and I regretted that one too, But like it's like I don't want to be found out. I don't want to be talked out of it because I'm scared like Matt or someone's gonna be like you're spending how much? And also I'm like this is gonna be great. My dentist said it, I know someone who has It's so good. That's why people do it. I mean, they look better than your regular teeth, without question. Do they function as well not even the apocalypse happens in your teeth. You have nothing done going for you. You that should be if you think that, if you are a prepper, start training to install the ears because you have a trade. Because I think about this all the time, and then apocalypse is that I would be dead within three weeks. No matter how good I am at killing you, you're you would be a good prepper. What okay? Because I can't see I have contact lescar Lasic. Dude, I can't scared of No, No, dude, I did las It's scary. I'm not gonna do it to you right now. It's certified. Lasic is okay everyone that's scared of it. I'm that we do add for them on the show because they I got Lasic done. I'm not kidding you. If it's so quick, it is quicker than getting your ear pierced at Claire's. It is so easy. It's not a big de little they make do you feel like you know they want you're spending a lot of money, so they give you the experience of like this is a procedure, but they could literally do this at a like. I even said it to the practitioner. I go you guys could do this at a mall Kiosk, and she goes, we could. I mean, we're not going to because but yes, it's they do millions of procedures. You are hard. It's hard to find anyone that has a bad experience with it. You're of course, there are those cherry picked stories where people have had things, But they do millions of procedures. I only had one I done, and for a while it was a little bit like my vision was adjusting. They said it could take up to twelve weeks, and it did take I think it's been like about twelve weeks since and I have I wake up every day with perfect vision. Yeah, I don't have to bring contacts on the road with me. I can see up close, I can see far away. It's like it's a fucking dream. Afraid of and I'm afraid of, well, I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm also afraid to get a wedding ring. I'm I have fear. I mean, that's just my m O. I don't understand we're the sadding ring. Are we both Russian Jews? Because that's the problem. Don't make this a Russian Jew thing. This is it is true. We're sensitive people. We're highly sensitive. We're afraid of the worst. Bad things have happened to us. I gained our history. I understand. But why are you scared to get a ring? Because that's like, but you're not scared to get married forever. So don't tell me you're scared of commitment. No I'm not. I'm not scared of commit what's the scared of the ring? I'm scared my finger will get ripped off in a barn door. Okay, I know it. I know it because of a guy, a famous author. He was he had a ring fallon, almost lost his finger to a ring. A ring. Yeah, it's a common thing. I wear rings all the time, but people don't. It doesn't happen that often. I don't want to get ripped off in a barn door, Oh my god, what if it does? And fears as well, But these you have to admit the irrational, irrational statistically, Yes, well, I'm going to get a ring that will detach easily to a ring. Yeah, us away, you know, then you have to get it removed, and that's really than divorce. Yes, getting a tattoo, had a painful ring? Oh yeah, I couldn't get a ring off for almost a year and it's still kind of no, it's actually healed around it, but it was a little bit like it's kind of made my finger all like weird for a second and small. But I got I bought a ring remover on an Amazon and got it off and it was great. It was felt victorious. But yeah, um, I love rings though, but yeah you do. Sometimes there's this ring I get that caught on my nose when I'm washing my face. I had to point the heart down. I have a little heart ring on my pinkie we show people on YouTube watching and when I have the heart facing the other way, I would be washing and it would get caught and it ripped my nose like it literally ripped the nostril to the point where I was like, it could have ripped my nostril off. I'm not if it would have snacked and it ripped it so much. There was blood like a huge mark there and I was walking around with it and it had it looked like chocolate, like I just smeared like chocolate on my face. That would be your first instinct if you saw me. And I realized, no one tells me the truth about my people. Just go we assume Nikki has chocolate on her face because no one pointed out. I'm like, I have a blood like ripping down my face. I have another story of blood ripping down my face, and we will talk about that right after this Beasties before we get back to the show. I have so many live dates coming up. I really want you to come see me. Coming up April fourteenth, that's my next show. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, then Hampton, New Hampshire at the Hampton Beach Casino. Then I'm in Tucson where Noah is going to be with us that night too. April twenty seventh in Tucson, April twenty eighth, and the twenty ninth in Las Vegas. Those dates are with David Spade. Get on those dates. If you want a fun spring trip for you and your friends, plan coming to Vegas or just go alone the Venetian Theater David Spade and Me in Las Vegas. That is a double headliner show for the price of one. It's going to be insane. I cannot wait. And then internationally, I'm hitting all of these cities within eleven days of each other. Berlin, Vienna, London, Munich, Amsterdam, Oslo, Stockholm, Helsinki, tel Aviv, Athens, and then in June, I'm back in Sarasota, Florida. But we'll tell you all about those later at another time. But I hope to see you guys on the road. I love when you come out to shows. Thank you so much for your support. Tell your friends a family, if you have any people living in those cities. I love you so much. See you when the Good World Tour. Okay, So the other night I was going on at the Improp two nights ago, and I made the mistake. So I get like zits like I have. Like if you get zits commonly, they usually come up in the same poor reinfects and it's always like the same place hormonally. And for me, there's one like on the corner of my lip, and it sucks because it looks like a cold sore. But I get these and I get these two and they're deep seated and they take literally weeks to come out be a white head for you to pop and like weeks and weeks. I've had them now for four weeks and they just they're kind of like under the surface. So I can you kind of don't see them, but I can just feel them all the time. And then the other day it kind of came up enough that I was just I was in traffic, don't look, and I was just like, you know when you just pick it something because you're nervous and you start picking at the thing you shouldn't be picking it, Yeah, all the time. So I'm in traffic and I'm just nerve. I haven't seen Chris in a while. I'm about to see Chris. So I'm just like nervous, and I just like was like, oh, I got a little piece of skin, and I was like, I know I shouldn't, but let me just see if it comes off clean. Like what it lurks inside my brain. That has never happened before. In the history of me picking at something, nothing has ever come off clean. It has always been worse underneath nothing. It's not like a sticker on your face you're trying to get off. There's a hole and then it bleeds. So all of a sudden, my mouth. No, I'm in the back of an Chris has not seen me in we haven't seen each other. We saw the chi once for Mark Twain for like a couple of hours, but we haven't been together for weeks and weeks. I'm about seeing my boyfriend and my lip is eating. It looks like I have a cold sore, and so I'm blotting it with my finger and I took out a band aid, but I didn't do the sticky part of the bandaid. I'm just putting the gauze part on, just like trying to and I'm a block away in traffic from trying to get it to stop. It's not stopping. And then I see Chris and I'm like, I picked at a ZiT. It's not anything else, and he's kind of like, oh, he like didn't need to know that, And so finally it stops bleeding and I go I go to a fit. I had a fitting when I got into sound, so we had like an hour to hang out and then I had a fitting and then I go to there and they're kind of looking at me like, oh, she has a cold sore. But I didn't even say anything to them, just like let them think I have a cold stor I don't care. Everyone does. What's the downside of having a cold store? Why is that so much worse than For some reason, It's like when you fart in bed and you're like, it's a quief. It's like, it's not as bad as it coming out of your butt. Like queefs are less embarrassing than they're still embarrassing, less embarrassing than farts, and a ZiT is less embarrassing than a cold store even though it's essentially the same fucking thing. It's just a sore that you didn't help that you can't help. You're not bad because you have it, because it's associated with dirtiness, and it's a virus. At least a z it will. I think that's the thing. It's viral, so it never goes away, like her sustained it's her, Well it is her. Yeah, so I think that's why the stigma. But I love when people are like, I have a cold sort and they're so nonchalant about it. I think that's so cool, and I think we need more of that. Um but I don't get them. Okay, you guys don't even think that. I'm just kidding. We need people telling people about their veneers and cold source and molestations. Yes, yes, like everything needs to be like all these things are not your fault. You didn't want to get herpes. You didn't want to get a cold sort. You didn't want to get molested like I was molested. You were Yeah. I didn't even realize at the time I was molested. Wait, hold on a breakd this just did Brian friend was molested. I didn't know until much later on in life. See this is what happens. Wait, tell me what happened. Well, I worked at a deli and uh, you know it's all That's how it always starts. I worked at a deli and I was classic war worked at a deli. Molestation story. I went in very young. I was as old as Uncle Haled, as old as uncle. Yeah, I went in. I went in young. Okay, I was it was illegal. I was twelve years old. Whoa. I went in young because I wanted to work. I wanted to get working with fresh meat exactly, and I sliced the meat. They wouldn't let me slice to me until I was older. Okay, that's did they let you beat the mets let me watch? Okay, So I would learn from that and I would I would stock the bottles and wash the dishes. And there was my boss. His name was Dennis, and he was a guy. I actually found my first porn magazine because of Dennis. He had a box of porn stashed in his basement, in the basement of the deli. Wanted you to find it. No, I don't know, but it was it was Yes, then he probably sent you down there. That's what they do. They kind of like present sexual situations to go like what do you think about this? Well, it's one of these situations that's like is this molestation or is he just is this just guys? Guys? I'm gonna go with the former. He's like a forty five year old owner of a deli and I'm a twelve year old boy. First of all, he shouldn't give you a job, and there's suspicious already that he wants a twelve year old boy working for him carrying bottles walking around you have very heavy bottles. And then he would take a twelve year old frenzy is so adorable to me? Oh my god, g skinny chubby with round glasses and a mushroom cut. Oh yeah, and I played the trump into that I started working out. Okay, yeah, I like he played the trumpet. I played the trumpet. Oh yeah, do you still know how to play I play piano instead, you play taps. I could play taps probably still, But you know, you gotta work up just like your callous is on guitar, you gotta work up your lips. Yeah, is that what it is? Yeah, you're well, that's only in woodwinds. I think I'm not. I'm not sure, but I know that that's a woodwind's a trumpet player. And he has a good arm. Sure, yes, Well he's always complaining about it. I don't even know what that is, like lip strength or something. And he's always complaining about like the same thing, like cold sores or any lip stuff. He can't go in the sun. He's like, my arm, but sure my lips. Oh, botox as well, Like when I got a lip flip, when I got a little like injectable. There's a thing you can do with botox that makes your lip just go like whoop and flip up. You can't like sip on straws. And she's like, do you play any instrument, like for how long? Like it just sucked dick and it goes away, like it just changes the shape of your lip. I just I blow dicks. Um. Yeah, I had to stop my arm but sure, that would be so funny to get out of the sucking dick. Because baby I took up the trumpet. It's my passion. What you're thirty eight? Showed no interest in this. Okay, so you're you're carrying bottles, carrying bottles a little boy, a little boy, and he would take a broom and he would put it in my butt. No, he would. He would take a broom and while I was walking and then go oh, and I would make that noise, and then he'd look at me and he'd go, take care brush your hair. Oh, take take care brush your hair. And yeah, and I didn't really and so he would do that like almost every day, but just while I'm working. I'm just working multiple times. To take care brush your hair was just his little catchphrase after the broom. You were annoyed by it, obviously because you're carrying these heavy bottles. Yeah, I was like, but I was like, is this just a deli life? Is this? Is this just what it's like to work? Yeah, to be an adult and you know, to be an adult man like, oh, we're just horsing around. I guess yes. And then you'd say, take care brush your hair, and I felt like that was made it not molestation. But then many years later, I'm in therapy and I'm saying, you know, this guy did shove a broom in my butt and they said you were molested, and I was like, I don't really count it. Yeah, I mean it's it is. I mean it's the molestation of like no, molesta means like to disturb, like it was a sexual disturbance that happened to you. Yes, yes, violation for sure. Yes, good for you for talking about it here. I'm so glad it wasn't worse. It didn't consciously affect me in any way, although it probably subconsciously affected me. But now I do brush my hair like twenty four hours a day. Do you say that take care I take care of definitely. And you only use a room bup because you cannot have any rooms near noroosan. Anyone listening has done this to anybody, and you're like fucking passing it off as like frat boy shit or whatever you're doing. Just stop doing it, Stop doing it to children. Stop this shit. It is weird. It is. It fucks people up. I'm sorry this is making me so angry, but like so many people do this shit, and they just pass it off as like locker room bullshit or just boys being boys. Go get therapy, figure out why you're bothering children with this shit, and like deal with their issues. Yes, like this is really fucked up and it affects people for many, many years. Well, I will say that there's just nowhere for people to go to say that they're into these things. And that is a huge problem with why they keep happening is because, based on my research, pedophiles have nowhere to turn to say I'm attracted to kids. I want to stick a broom up this kid's ass, and I don't know what to do about it, because if you are to tell I just started seeing a new therapist yesterday and before we get started it was the first time I ever have seen a therapist, And before we get started, she says, I want you to know everything here is confidential unless you tell me that you're harming someone, you intend to harm someone, you intend to harm yourself, or you are you know, I'm subpoena. And it was like, Okay, that's good to know, but at the same time, there needs to be a place. I know I've talked about it before, but there needs to be a place where people can go, because if I were to go, you know what I really have, I want to violate children to like my therapist, she would have to report me, and she probably would. And there should be a place for no maps to go that's non offending minor attracted persons. There's maps, and there's no maps, and no maps are good people that just have a fucking thing in their brain where they're attracted to kids. They cannot help it, but they're non offending and they want to be non offending, but they can't get support anywhere because if you admit you're attracted to kids, you're already kill them, filet them, put them away forever. They can't help their attracted to kids, just like you can't help you're attracted to women, or you can't help you're attracted to men. It's the same thing. They just got a fucking shit deal. And the ones that do, and the reason why they end up most of them end up offending is because they have nowhere to talk to you about it. And guess who are the only people that want to hear about them wanting to fuck kids? Other people that want to fuck kids. Yeah, and so guess who's not going to deter them from doing that. Other people who want to fuck kids. So then they go in these communities on the dark web and they support each other and they teach each other how to do it. So unless there's a place for them to go, it's going to keep happening. I think that's the route. What a starting. Oh, there's this by law that you can get twelve year olds working for you, and if you have a basement room, hide your porn down there and ask them to go get the milk bottles and hide the porn right under the milk bottles and that way, then go down right as they see the porn and go, hey do you like that? Oh, I saw my porn. They teach them like little shit like this that just opens the conversation and like opens the door. There's so many little things that they all share on these message boards from the podcast I've listened to. But essentially, until we allow them to admit that they are attracted to kids and that that's not their fault and we accept them for that, and we say, okay, well, you know, people who have homicidal thoughts and want to kill people, we give I think we give them help, and we go, okay, well you want to kill someone, Okay, let's help you not do that, or yeah, or anything that you you struggle with, let's help you not do that. But for them there's nothing. And so but I am seeing a new therapist and she's sucking dope. I'm seeing a somatic therapist. Oh yeah, so it's like tapping into your Yeah, Noah's like fucking finally, Nikki, she's tapping. She like taps into your It's not a tapping therapist. I don't need to use that word. But we talked about it with the trumpet before. But she plays taps. She's been tapping your clip. Yeah, yeah, that would be yeah. And I there's nowhere for her to go to talk about how that's like take care brush your pubic hair. I go, okay, it does the ass hair account because there's nothing will in the front. M Is that still your pubes your ass hair? Yeah? No, yeah, I wouldn't count it isn't any well, publius region is the front pubis. It's hair that has to do with puberty. You guys, Oh, I didn't know that. So you're it's like chess hair is Peter adults. Um, maybe arm hair, pubs or arm hair. I think I think so, wait, your pubist is that area though, you're yeah, that is the Yeah, so I think pubs have to be down there, so your asshole is pretty close. That's so funny that there is one hair that's a pube and right next to it. It's like you're not on the side man. Yeah, but it's like it's like, sorry, you're an asshole hair. You live in Jersey, dar, you're from New York City. You gotta go through the tunnel. They get to me. The tain is like what were they called in the Civil War? The Confederates, the Union and the pubes? What were they called in the Civil War? It's like, I don't know, you should know, wouldn't be and the seventeen eighteen hundreds, Oh yeah, you say pubes back then the devil's lawn. Some they did not even address it. Talk about not addressing things back then. I mean, the first time you had sex was probably like the first time you would ever heard of sex back in the day, because there's probably no mention of it at all. Well, the religion, you know, they would squash that immediately and you wouldn't be able to talk about it until marriage, and then you'd be really horny on your wedding day, but you don't even know what you're horning for, Like you've never even where's that? Oh um the Warren Jeff's documentary, they have sex and they're like, I didn't even know this was a thing. And in the first time they're doing it was with an eighty year old man and these are girls like fourteen. Oh okay, So back to my therapist. Five. Wait, what a semantic mean? Oh yeah, one, semantic means like us, like your body. It's it's when your body stores trauma, um, and you use another like physical touch or sound to get it out. I think, oh, I didn't even know that. I just thought semantic meant like your body, like feeling things. So like she's asking a lot of like because I told her I've tried this before, and I started crying almost instantly. I did. I was not emotional yesterday at all. I was like, I don't even really feel like going to therapy. But and I didn't get she like asked me to go through my history of like trauma, and I'm like not even crying, not even like nothing is coming out, like she's like, thank you for sharing that with me. I'm like, it literally doesn't mean anything to me. Like I've shared this million times. I would do it on a podcast the Whole World. And then she goes, so, tell me your history was semantic, and I'm like, well, I went to this one woman. She would always ask me, like where do I feel that? Like I would talk about something painful or something happy, and she's like, no, no, do a body scan. Where are you feeling this? And I was like, and I could never feel it anywhere. I would make things up because I knew she wanted me to give her something like I know that and I and I was like, and I just I have friends who are like feel things. So like I was just thinking about Anya. She's so sensitive. She like will eat something that's like a little bit spicy and she's like, I just feel it in my tumue. Like you're you like have a sensitive you feel everything like you have you have so many feelings and like and I know that. Kirsten. She'll eat something like a little bit like m there's like I think there's tumeric in this and she didn't like tell It's like I would never know anything. I have no connection to my body. I think it would be good for you because it teaches you how to do that. Yeah, well, I start crying because I'm just like I just don't feel like a real woman, Like I just don't feel things. And then that's what made me start crying. I was like, I just don't. I just feel like I'm gonna lie to you just to give you what you want because you don't want me to feel it somewhere. But I don't feel it anywhere except in my head, like I don't know. I just get sad and it's like up here in my brain where thoughts are taking but I don't know. So we start going through stuff and she was like trying or the first session, she's trying to get me to go like to really painful stuff and then really happy stuff and just see the difference, like the juxtaposition. And I gotta be honest, I was kind of making stuff up because I just I didn't feel it anywhere. I was just like, I gotta fake it, because you're faking it is what makes it real. I've done that with orgasms too, Like I used to fake it before I was having one because I knew it would help me maybe get to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, eventually you will feel yeah yeah, but no, yesterday it really orgasms. It did work for me. But yesterday with the thing, she was asking me like, what's what's something you're looking forward to right now? And I was like, oh, well, I get to see Taylor Swift tonight, like I get to be in the same room as her. She was like, Okay, tell me about Taylor. And I started crying, like talking means to me, and I thought she was gonna be like, well, you're gay, is the thing, Like I thought she was gonna say, like I think you're a closeted because I was just like she's just like means so much to me and she's like my best friend. But I don't know what. I'm just so grateful and I was like crying about like getting to see her, and she was like, Okay, where are you feeling this? And I'm like I know what she wants to hear. I'm opening up. I'm not feeling like a little bird like when I was talking about my mom and like my childhood, I'm like this and now I'm like this and then so I just gave her that, But did I really feel it. I don't know, you're a performer. If this is, you're gonna be her tough, toughest challenge yet. She said, I did a really good job, and I was like drinned her. God, So initially when you were talking about your mom, you were like hunched over, I know with your arms. I saw that. And that's what she wants me to do, is just realize the thing's body things I'm doing when I'm just She's told me, like my assignment this week is just when I'm getting when I do these extremes, because she says, most people live in this like this like little river of you know, bad feelings and good feelings, and we can kind of like stabilize within that and it feels really bad and it feels really good but nothing too much. But often people get thrown off of that track and it goes really really bad. And I'm either way down here or way up here and there's no really in between, and I need to start feeling. I don't know what's going to happen when I'm able to target what my body is doing when I'm feeling those things, but I guess something's gonna cut. Something healing will come of it. I have no fucking clue. But so this therapist was really good. What was your favorite part about it that made you conclude she was good. She just had good questions. She kept me on track, she didn't let me go off because I can really obviously talk a lot. And uh yeah, she just asked really good questions and then she had really good insights into um why. She just right away got who I was. She was like, Okay, you have a you are full of energy, you are bursting with energy. You are not because I was telling her, I don't leave any time for slowness. Like I back, I back to back to back, schedule everything, because I don't want any time where it's like I could just do anything right now. I don't like that. I want everything. I literally will plant. So I go get coffee, I come back here, and I have five minutes to set up the thing and then you get here. Yeah, and like I don't want any time where I have could be on Instagram and I like will feel start to feel bad that I'm not posting a reel or something, you know, like I don't want any Yes, I'm a shark. Yeah, yeah, sharks can't stop. Yes, And so it happens. What do you feel? I guess that's the problem is like what I don't know. I think, well, because when I do stop, I get really depressed. But I have too much. When I have any time off that everyone so desperately wants for me, I fall into like, OK, really terrible depression. Yes, And so I'm trying to mitigate for that and try to not to have that happen. When I feel like I'm not producing or I'm not creating or I'm not busy equals I'm sad, and I start to compare myself and I start to just that's the problem. Yes, if you really truly want to be complete, then you have to be able to settle down and not do anything and not get depressed. But who gives a shit? Just do stuff? Yeah, that's what I say, because I'm taught, because when I'm doing stuff, I'm depressed too, because I just become like so tired, and I'm just like I just and you have something to complain about that justifies your feelings, as opposed to you're relaxing somewhere and you have no reason to complain and you're depressed anyway. Whereas people who work at a grocery store, like I would love to just take a week off. And you take a week off, you get depressed and it's like who you think you are and that makes you feel worse about yourself. Yes, exactly, Yes, walking even today, like I was kind of lamenting about something today and I saw like so many homeless people and schizophrenic people just like twitching and itching and begging for money with a blanket over them, and it was just like, yeah, I felt bad that I was even feeling bad, and um, but I've been doing this thing that has been so working lately, and it is I don't know where I got it from. I'd some you know, some fucking Instagram reel someone shared it. But what you do is it's happened for me about five times this week that I've been doing it. You jerk off your dog, Yeah, and he's out of come and I got to get a new dog. Was that funny? I? Yes, I said it, And then it was I give it like a seven seven. I think I bet people chuckled listening at home. It was out of nowhere. I didn't expect a call back to the jerking off of the dome was I think it was a good callback. I give it a seven. That's pretty good. It's really good. A seven's good. Yeah, I'm not gonna go crazy for it. But I didn't like it. Um and then I had a little fun follow up. I mean, I thought that was some good stuff. That was good podon so clip it. So then, um, okay, here's the here's the hack. When you get into a situation where you're like, oh my god, I'm gonna miss my flight, or like oh these bags are lost, or like um, oh my God, like we're gonna be late to this thing, or just some kind of urgent like bad, bad things happened to me, my life is over, like this is going horribly. I just go, I'm so lucky. Things just always work out for me. I'm so lucky. Literally say it out loud or say it in your head, and I swear to God it has worked every time. Yeah, you just say when I get distressed. I did it this week when I was about to miss a flight. Another time when I was about I checked bags too late and it was not it was not looking like it was. I was, you know, in line doing this thing of like Jesus Christ, you know, saying that under my breath, doing my EJ. Glazer thing of like come on, you know, like talking to no one, but like wanting someone yes, but also wanting the person next to me to hear so that they get and they can be like I know and you're like yeah yeah, And then hopefully it works its way up and then they start sensing that the line is getting you know what, Now I'm gonna do it this faster because of all these grunts. But can they move a little faster? Sometimes the way they staple the boarding passes together, or the type they'll they'll put their palm on it and then press down. Just go to think like just be fast. But it's worked every single time I've done it. You've manifested the luck or you just feel better. No, it's I made my flight, the bag showed up, the bags got checked in time, the line suddenly started moving. Like if you just say and because it's not not true. If you are a person who's able to even take a flight or make a phone call, or be able to go see a doctor, whatever instance, you're you're already in the top one percent of luckiest people. There are billions of people who would kill to beat trade places with you no matter how like, if you're listening to this podcast right now, your life is better than literally ninety percent of the world, like world, honestly, your life is and if all the time, imagine now you're alive. Now, yeah, you've won the lottery. Absolutely, we're not Like you didn't get born into the Warren Jeff's cult. You didn't get born in you know, imagine you got born in the negative six hundred six, you'd be dead. You'd already be dead a hundred Yeah, we'd all be dead. Yes, maybe one of us would be like the elder of the tribe. Yeah. Um, and you're trying to get veneers. But even today, I was like going to complain about this more broad problem in my life of like this thing that's like just gnawing at me, that's more of like a existential problem. And I was like, instead of like just dooming and glooming about this, I'm just gonna say it's all gonna work out, Like I don't need to handle this thing today. I'm uncomfortable with this thing that's going on in my life right now. I want to change. I'm I'm scared for change, but I'm also wanting it to change, but I don't need to make a decision today. And I think that that's what gets on my gets in my head sometimes is when I'm like, let's say you're unhappy with your job or the place you're living, or your relationship or the car you're driving, whatever friendship you have, and you're like, I have to make a change, and you know you're not going to decide today. You know you're not going to, so stop putting the pressure on yourself to like make a decision today. Yeah, because all these things I'm always like I need and I know it's not time to decide yet. And instead I'm just gonna say I'm so lucky. I'm lucky that I even get to have this decision everything, and just to say it randomly, I'm so lucky. Everything always works out for me. I am a lucky person. And it's like lifts it and it's just going to take care of itself. Now. Yeah, I don't have to do I don't have to decide anything, and I know it will. I said that about money all the time I go there, there, there, there will be more money. I say, spend it as much money as you want, because you'll just make the money. It doesn't work all the time, You'll just make the money and then now and so I basically I owe a lot of money to Chase, Like guy didn't Chase. Yeah, I named Chase, that friend a lot of money. I oh my god. I have a similar attitude toward money. And I think I've never said it out loud, Brian, but I relate a lot. I've always had an intuitive approach to money, Like I used to bounce checks all the time, and then I kind of got my shit together and like really got it together. And then once I got signed and I got with a financial advisor, and like a business manager, I just stopped. Like they do my taxes, I sign the paper, like they pay most of my bills. I don't want to think about it. And I'm so much happier now, you know. But I do have this weird thing where I just spend intuitively and intuitively when I'm like, I am not sure I can afford that, I just don't. I don't balance my check book now. I'm not that aware of things. I have like some clarity, but mostly I just rely on my intuition. And that's probably not that's good. But I think I'm the money. It just shows up. You don't spend more money than you can afford intuitively, and when you do go into crippling, horrific debt, which I've done many times. Oh god, one hundred thousand dollars on the credit card. Whoa, it's just what, it's just life. I don't work, I don't do anything. Yeah, And and then when I do work it's for I mean, so it's but then eventually it comes. Eventually it comes, yes, and then you and then you pay it down and everything's fine. And you know, there's no debtor's prison to say I am lucky, and there's no lucky, there's no debtor prison. You're not going to go into jail for you just might be on the streets. They might take away everything you hold dear, and and you might be cripple. You will never be able to buy a house. You'll never you want people to afford your next medical procedure. But you know what the street you might have no teeth, but now I have a nice pair of shoes. I up you going. Um. I do think an attitude of like, uh, some relaxation around money is really helpful for me. Like I okay, my mom and my dad. My dad is constantly stressing about money constantly, and my mom is very relaxed about money. My mom has vastly more money than my father. My father's always stressed out about it. You know. They're married, of course, but like they have their own separate accounts too, really, and one of my parents is so happy about money, never worries about it, and has tons of it, and the other is constantly micromanaging everything, so stressed out, freaked out, And it's just like I'm more like my mom, you know. And it's funny because the person who clings to money tends to be more miserable and lose it. My mom always says, it's energy. Money is just energy. Um. Yeah, your mom also said that breast cancer could be healed by rubbing your hands together and cupping your hands, warming the hands and placing them upon the breast. She wasn't wrong, Well you didn't know. But I was about to get a needle biopsy though, and then because of my mom, I was like, can we just take another look? And they did another ultras out and we're like, oh, actually we don't need to do any needle biopsy. We can just quickly aspirate that cyst. You're fine, just go home. No surgery, no needle biopsy. Yes, no, yeah. The money thing. I grew up with my parents vacillating between spending a lot, like buying an ice skating rink that you put in your backyard from Hammock or Slimmer like rich people shit for who for us Hammercker Slimmers like the sharper image, but for richer people. So like the cover is always like a trampoline on a lake, Like there's always like products for really rich like people, just you know, stuff that you would see at the succession, you know, houses, a fun stuff like a helicopter you can buy, or like a m a cryogenic chamber for your guest room. Like there's just shit like that. And so my dad bought an ice rink like fun. We would always do fun stuff. And then there was the also the word destitute thrown around all the time of like we are then it would it would vacillate, so I never knew where. So I I also vacilate between those two of like I have so much money, and then I don't look at it, and then I start going like I have none. Um, but I want to get back to um. So my lip was bleeding the other night. I go to my fitting and then I go to the improv to do a set and I'm about to walk on stage and it's already like scabbed over and I'm like, oh good, thank God. And then as I'm touching it to make sure it's just like not scapped over, I feel like a piece of skin and I'm like, well, that's gotta go, and They're like saying, my credits right, control yourself. I can't. I can't. When I gotta pick out there, I'm picking Nikki, and so I was just like, let me just get it because it'll just like be a little piece of skin. It's not gonna And then fucking I feel I pull it and it hurts, and I'm like, I know, I've been doing this since I was my teens. This is a bleeder. And I go on stage and I'm going like this and I go, guys, my lip is bleeding. I was like, and then I thankfully I have a joke for it where I'm like, you know, I just you know. I smiled too, like I was like, isn't it great when you pick out something? Because everyone relates to it my whole life. I'm shamed of my face bleeding when I pick at it too much. Turns out everyone knows what this is. Like every girl has picked at something too much. Every guy and every girl has covered it up with you know, plastered it with um powder to like seal it. And then you smile a weird way, or you hit it and it starts bleeding and you don't even know like everyone, and it's suddenly a relatable thing. So it honestly was one of the best sets I've had recently because I was able to start with such a relatable, honest thing of like the comedian is bleeding. She pointed it out, she said exactly what we're all thinking, which is like, what the fuck? So um And then last night I went to the iHeart Awards and it was still scabby, so I just put over it, like I just said, I didn't touch it all night, though I was because I can't. I couldn't risk bleeding on TV. We really buried the headline here, He's gonna go to a break but right now, but we're gonna come back and we'll get into the I Heeart Awards, which are last night where Taylor Swift was in attendance as well as yours truly, Nickie Cleanser. So we'll be back with the whole I heeart story right after this. All right, we're back. Um. So I went to the iHeart Radio Awards last night and the only reason I got to go is because the director Joe Gallen, who directed The Ross. This is how things work out in life. Did I already tell this? No? But this this is how things work out for me. Um. Joel Gallen directed The Ross, and when the Ross would air, he would have a party at his house for everyone that did it to come. And every single time I was always scared to go to these parties because it was just famous people there and also I have to watch myself, which I hate watching myself with an audience. And it was just like everything in me was like I don't want to go to this party. I don't want to do this, Like I'm scared, like Ian was the other day to go to the fucking um Mark Twain Prize. But I went right and in going to it, I got to meet Joel. I got to be because usually directors of shows you don't really meet, you mean, maybe once backstage and then they're out in a van outside the center running the show from a van, so you don't really see them and interact with them. But I got to know Joel. Joel also also um directed Chris Rocks recent special, which is great. He does like so many live events. He does them rock and Roll Hall of Fame Award or you know, a war induction. And because because I have his number now, I always text him, like, oh my god, whenever I see something he's done, I always like write him and let him know. And he does all these cool music things and which I'm huge music fans, so I've gotten to ask him about. There was this one shot of Taylor Swift did She performed at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and they were honoring Carly Simon, I believe, and she was singing will you Still Love Me Tomorrow? And they come around, the camera comes around and she just like shoots this glance at the camera right at the perfect time and like looks at her shoulder and like kind of gives it a nod. And I was obsessed with the shot. I'm like, how did she plan that to like look at the perfect time and do the sultry look and because at first she's singing ahead and you're like, she doesn't even know there's a camera there, and then she just hits it and like does a look, And it's one of my favorite little performance moments. So I wrote to Joel and I was like, tell me the story behind this shot. Did you guys rehearse this? Was this her idea? Was it your idea? Because the SHOT's amazing? And he said, and he's got to love this because nobody ever asks it shit like this. Yeah, I think I found that he's open to answering all my questions about this stuff. And by the way, no matter how big anyone is, they still want their work to be celebrated. And certainly people behind the scenes do not get as much credit for their work as people in front of the camera. So I wrote him and I was like, tell me about this little moment and if you watch the if you watch her singing this, you guys will know exactly what I'm talking about it. I think it's within the first minute and it's around her shoulder on the right side. And he said, not only did we not rehearse it, she had no idea what the cameras were. She that was just a live moment and she just sensed the camera. He said, I've never worked with anyone who is so intuitive when it comes to angles and shots, and she just saught. And if you look at this, I mean, this is something you would rehearse over and over to get it right because it's so perfect and it's such a great little moment, both on his part and hers. But that was a cool moment. So we just stayed in touch. And because he has a huge say in this. I heard Awards two years ago, he was like texted me and was like, would you want to present at the I Heeart Awards. I was like yes. He didn't even know I had a podcast with iHeartRadio like I Al Radio. No offense to you, guys, you had nothing to do with I mean, you had to approve it. But Joe Joel Gallan is the one who submitted me and thought I would be great, and then I did it two years ago, and then I did it, and then he wrote me again this year and he called me. He was even like, Okay, we can get you on a flight from Seattle to like after your Eugene show, you can come in on And he was like checking flights. I'm like, it's someone else supposed to be doing this, so he gets me to do this thought, I heeart fight you up to this? No? Why Joel Gallan? And this is this is why you have to go to things and you have to meet people and this is like part of the schmoozing thing and you have to be nice and you have Tom. It wasn't anything but genuine to Joel, but like me, developing a relationship with him led to this. And you realize so many people in this business get opportunities because they have prior relationships. It's all about yeah, like how about you and Adam ruins everything like how did you get that? Get? Well, that was a blind packet submission, so like literally didn't know who submitted the packet. So the opposite of the story met once I got the interview. Yes, I already knew Adam, So once I got the interview, it was like, well I know him, obviously we're gonna hire go he had he blind submitted a packet. My friend blind submitted a packet and got this far. We're not gonna not hire him now, yes, and now we know it's my friend and he's a white man. Bring him in. Yes, yes, no, that's that's the way to do twenty sixteen. Yeah, before we hear you guys were the Devil. Yeah, I feel um anyway, So I get to go and um, Taylor Swift is gonna and Joel tells me Taylor Swift is gonna be in the building. I'm like, is she performing And he's like, no, she's accepting an award, but she's going to be there. And I'm like, oh my god. So and he's like, we'll sit you within you know, we'll sit you in close range. So I got I get there last night, the red carpet is like full of like there's a line to get into the red carpet and it is like so packed, and I'm doing my thing of like you're lucky, You're just lucky things work out for you. Because I'm like, I've got fifteen minutes before I need to be inside the theater. The show starts, and this red carpet is backed up with people no one you would recognize, like Chris and I Chris Condy, my boyfriend went with me. We were both like, we don't recognize we don't know any of these people. I saw Emma from dancing with the stars who I always see in line when we were at these things. I saw, I guess Dojakat, which I didn't know it was her at first because she had like blonde hair. She did not look like Dojakat to me last night, and I saw, like some country stars you could just tell who's famous because they're just dressed nicer. They just look so cool. And I looked pretty cool last night too, because I had a great team working on me all day, so I had an amazing dress, amazing hairmakeup. I looked important for sure. I stood out because like the effort went into it. So I get on the carpet, Chris gets supposed with me for some and then I do some solo ones and then we get down the line and there's like all these interviews, so I have to use the pictures. Then there's all the press doing interviews like extra and you know TMZ and not associated press, like you know, all the junkets, and Chris is like, do you want to do these? And I have a guy like walking me down the red carpet, but he's not really like he's like, I don't know how to do this. I think this is his first day on the job, and I'm like, you don't how to do your job. So I Chris starts going up to people and I see him getting rejected of like do you want to talk to Nikki Glazer? And they're just like we're good. Like I see him getting knows because they don't even know. They don't know whom. It's fine, they don't know who. There's too many people to know. And this is a music event, like if you're doing your research, you're not You're not even expecting Nick Glazer to be here. So I'm like I can't watch Chris get rejected anymore. I just need to show myself. So I go up to this guy at E and I go, Hi, Nikki Glazer how to show on E? Like do you want to talk to me? And you could tell he did not did not want to at all, but like it's me. He can turn down Chris for me, but he can't turn down me. So he's just like, how are you feeling tonight? And it's like looking past me looking for anyone more famous, any you know. It was just and then after the interview, I just go Chris, we don't need to do this because these interviews never even show up anywhere. I never even see them when I do do them. So I was like, only when somebody is particularly rude do they show up. That's the only time I ever see him. It is like that person was rude to this reporter, or that reporter was really rude today they said an awkward thing like the Hugh Grant moment, or but yes, it's a no win situation, totally true. Those I don't know where else those are showing up? Who watches extra? I'm sorry? And the nail salon sometimes I have to because it's on the screen or whatever. Yesterday was Deal or No Deal from two thousand and eight. I was like, my good Mark, I was like riveted on a on a Deal or No Deal episode yesterday it was so fun. That shows so fun. Yeah, I forget how it's so it's not really an interview, but you're on page six. Yeah you're right under Kravts for outfits on the red carpet. Oh really, what at the what's my captain? Because the Daily Mail Captain was hilarious. It was like Nicky Glazer glitters in gold and displays her long glowing tan legs. So it's Nicky Glazer wearing a nude embellished dress. Oh all right, I'll take it. For some people. Page six is the pinnacle of fame. I mean under Lenny Kravitz too. That's not bad. My placement was pretty good Daily Mail. You had to scroll so hard you get carpal tunnel to get down to where my photo was. Poread. I mean it was so long down like I'm literally like the fortieth person down. I'm right like a teen mom is right before me. I think from MTB's team, mom Um, But uh yeah, Letny Kravitz host it. So that's a good placement on page six. Thank you. Page six, So I get through, We go inside, and we walked on this gauntlet. So after the red carpet, there's a gauntlet of fans, like I'm not kidding you, a tenth of a mile, like a pretty long gauntlet of like on both sides, no one said anything to me. I got through. Chris was about to film, and I go, don't film this. This is so embarrassing, and I look important, Like, my god, it looks like clearly someone should take a picture of this lady. She looks like she's coming through with like a team. No one cared, and so I started going, I'm Nicky Glazer. I'm and then they start going nicky Nikky. So I have to do that for myself, and I'm like, I'm a funny comedian you might recognize and then they start recognizing me. But they didn't. I just don't think people contextually were thinking I would be there. Adam music that you need to hire a town crier. You need to, like in medieval times, you need someone to come out with the trumpet, maybe on your dad, yeah, oh yeah, and blow the trumpet and then this is ni. Here comes Nicky Glazer. She's a funny comedian. When they do on the red carpet, generally they have a person come out and go it's Nicky Glazer. She has a new show coming out on e she has a podcast, and then everyone starts. So I didn't have that yesterday. They had a little click. They had a whiteboard, so the photographers knew who I was and said Nicky Glazer presenter, and so they knew, but all the fans had no idea until I started telling them, and then they're freaking out. I do the same thing when TMZ vans drive by. I always on the street. I'm always like, I'm Niggay Glazer, I'm a host of fon. You saw someone famous today? And then they take pictures but they don't really know who I am. Yes, people, I lie, you do what do you say? I say, like, I produce burn Notice or something, and then the guy the tour guide gets to say, oh, there is a producer, Yeah that is I'm like eating a corned beef sandwich and I said, I produced bird Notice. I used to say, um, I'm friends with Amy Schumer before I was famous, That's what I would say, and people literally would take pictures of me. But um so now, so I go into the thing and I were early and it's filling up slowly, and I'm just waiting for Taylor to come in. I don't have to wonder when Taylor is in the room, you know why, because people start shrieking their fucking faces off. So I hear shrieking and I know exactly that Taylor's in the room, and she comes in and um, she is wearing I don't know if you guys saw it, She's wearing like a hooded, sparkly amazing outfit. It harkens back to not only reputation era, which is maybe we're getting a hint that the new her new Tailor's version is going to be reputation. I think this is more of a reference to her Bejeweled video, in which she's wearing a sparkly bejeweled hood. It almost is the identical to the video. So I don't think this is a reputation thing. Any Swift he's listening. I saw it. I thought it looked like I thought it was awesome looking reminded me of Cha chain mail. Yes, and I was like, all right, she's going for battle. Oh yes, well that was a reputation era. She was ready for battle. That was after Kanye stuff, and so that was like so she and maybe it was in reference step, but she looked fucking cool as fuck. It was one of my favorite looks of her ever. So she walks in, she is five rows in front of me, um, which is yeah, rying as soon as she walks in, even though I have been this close to her before. I was close to her on the rooftop for the nineteen eighty nine premiere that Chris got me into and we both made eye contact and I go, it's cold, and she goes, it is and so we had a moment. So there, I was close to her in that moment. I met her backstage at the Red Tour. That was before I was a swifty, So I've been closer before, but this has been you know, my fandom has gone up so much more even since the nineteen eighty nine moment on the rooftop. That being this close to her now is as if I'm inside her compared to those moments, like, it's so much closer than even hugging her. I hugged her at the Red Tour. I took a picture I talked on many years ago. Was that that was twenty thirteen, Okay, so over ten years ago. Yeah, And it was before I was a swifty. I was just like, this girl is so amazing. But I didn't know. I didn't know where it would take me. I became a swifty when Blank Space came out. That was the moment it hit me and I go, my life has forever changed. I will never not be obsessed with this woman and in love with her. And so she so last night, I'm a little I get tier eyed when she walks in because she's just right there and I just know she's like taking a break from her tour. Right now, she is exhausted. She is doing this for us, She's doing this. She's just given so much, and I'm just And then I start getting really territorial because first of all, she has a huge team. The show hasn't started yet, she has a huge team around her. First, we watched a Pink performance because it was a pre tape. It was the opening performance, but they've to clear the stage, so the only thing they pre taped was the Pink performance and then that air five minutes later, so they taped that. She wasn't in the room. Then she gets brought in the room. Then we're kind of waiting and people surround her, and thank god, because people are trying to come up to her. People are freaking I mean, everyone's freaking out. Everyone's a goddamn swifty And and then Flava Flave, by the way, is right next to me. He seated like three rows ahead of me, and he's on the right side. So there's an aisle. I'm right on the aisle. Taylor Swift is in front of me five rows. Flavor Flav is to the right across the aisle, but closer to Taylor, probably two rows ahead, and I see Flavor Flav get up and start walking to Taylor Swift and I just go you stay away from because I know Flavor Flav. I mean Flavor Flav. Everyone loves Flavor Flav, no question about it. He's just a kind person. I used to watch Flavor of Love. I love him of that show. He's just and he's so cute and he's like dressed with his clock and um and Chris was like, why is here him? I was like, he was getting a lifetime achieve an award from Time from the clock appreciative of the concept of time is honoring him tonight. So he walks over and I'm like, and I'm saying this to everyone who approaches you, get away from her. Don't sap her energy, because she's gonna have She's gonna be nice because she's a nice person. So she's not gonna be a diva to anyone. She has to have diva's around her protecting her. But he found an in and Flavor. If you look, there's Getty images. There's so many images of her and Flavor Flavor. It's like the funniest thing. And they're taking a selfie together and people are making front of Taylor for taking They saying it's such a millennial thing and not a gen Z thing to take a pick selfie and to take it with the upper volume. Do you do you know that takes a picture? I like, if we were to take a sey of course, Okay, so it's the upper volume instead of pressing on the thing itself, you just go like this and that's millennial and it takes a photo. Gen Z's making fun of it. Yeah, they're making like, look how she takes a photo. I'm like, that's the smart way. How does gen Z do it? Like this? No face of it itself. It's so much harder. So yeah, so here's this took so long for them to figure out how to do though, because at first he comes over, she's got to give Flavor Flav the respect. Yeah, and she's like, oh, I'm sure. She's like, but I have to say this was all because he breached her security line and just no, it's gonna well because it's just it's on security line. It was just like her, like, it's not actually security, it's just people. It's like her, like publicists and stuff. So he just comes up because he's Flavor Flav like no one's gonna be like, get out of your flavor, Flavor, you're famous. He blinds them. They start like just a burn hole through their head burn notice. And so he gets it, and she's of course going to be nice. But that was not like a planned thing. That was flavor flav just inserting himself, not understanding. I don't think he understands how off limits this woman shouldn't be like the Bachelor. If you want time with the Bachelor, you gotta be like yeah. And then they took me backstage to go. So he gets that picture and she's obviously so nice. Then she gets her award and she dives the best speech. She talks about how everyone sees how often she wins, and it's like all you see or her successes, but she's failed so many times. And she was like, thousands and thousands of times, I have done the wrong thing, I've written the wrong song, I've I've failed and you don't see that, but that is what happens, so please, she goes, I hate failing. I'm never gonna be comfortable with it. It's embarrassing to fail, but I give myself permission to fail. And I thought that was a really nice thing for her to say, and she said, especially I want to say this, especially to young people. And I'm like, no, I need to hear this, bitch. I so needed it. So her speech was just so sweet and she's just this is why I love her, because she's she's she's just like you guys, oh my god, thank you. Like she's honestly still like like shocked that people are like God. She goes, thank you for the clapping, Oh my god, that's so nice. Like she's still like she's also thank you for putting that video together. Yeah, thank you for putting the video together. That video all those people because there was like this montage video people talking about how great she has all these celebrities and she's like, I can't believe that video. And it's like, Taylor, yes, you like, but she really doesn't. She's still humble enough, or maybe she's pretending to be, but I don't think it's pretend because a lot of Swifties have compiled videos of her from childhood videos that have been released, and she was always a grateful little girl. She's always like thank you, thank Like even when she was three, she was thanking people and saying please and thank you. And that's why I like Taylors because she has like normal parents that don't look like botox to death. They don't look like fame pushing parents. They're just like good people. And so I get brought back during the fourth act, and my part is in the seventh act, so they bring me back early to go get touch ups and go over the prompter and figure it out. And and I'm struggling with my joke because it's kind of like lame because I tried to do other jokes. So I'm presenting the best new artists to perform, and I wanted to do like in my tone of voice, which was like the best new artist. Think about it, think about how I go. No matter who you love, I said something I wanted to do a bit to the effect of your favorite artist was once the best new artist, or like was a new artist. Everyone you know and love and think they've been around forever has once been a new artist. Because it's almost my point about when people go who's this girl? When I show up on something, they're like, who is this? And you just go, did you know who Tom Hanks was? Forever? There's a point where you figure out who everyone's new at some point, like you gotta you gotta meet me at some point and then you'll like me. But when you were born, the doctor was like, who the hell, I don't know this at all? Why would they cast her in my Yeah, people just are confused. So my point was going to be like at one I wrote this, that was like there was even a one point when someone was like who is this and they're like it's this hot new guy Beethoven And they're like, this is sick box. Doesn't stand a chance, Like there was a there was a time when Beethoven was the hot new kid on the scene. Yeah, and k too. Yeah was he he's a child prodigy? Oh yeah, that makes sense. Um, And then there was another run I had about um, oh, I was gonna say even Taylor Swift was a new artist at one point. There was a point when someone was like, oh no, I was gonna say scratch that. I said Taylor Swift. So my thing was gonna be you know, I'm presenting for best new art I'm presenting these best new artists, and every artist you know and love has once been a new artist. There was a time where someone was like, who is this she's really good. Taylor Shift, Oh my god, Taylor Shift is great. I'm a shifty and I was gonna like have that be a joke, but they were like, we don't want that. And then another joke guy wrote was gonna be like, you know, there's nothing like the first time you hear your new favorite song and you go, who is this? She's amazing and they go, that's Rob Snyder's daughter, the girl that sings exes and oh's they want me? You know jasiders real yesh, my god. So they vetoed those. So I ended up doing I ended up doing a more generic like thing of um, you know, you just I heeart always has the greatest new music, whether you're looking for something to listen to at the gym, or you're need something to cry to, or you're just crying at the gym, not because you're sad, because you're trying to get the free weights to yourself. No one knows what to do with a sobbing woman doing him thrust to Anti Hero or something like that. So, um, I ended up doing that. But I go backstage and on the way back stage because I have a little time, my handler is like Taylor Swift's over here. Do you want do you want to try to meet her? And I go, no, I'm not I'm not flavor flaving. I don't want to bug her. I'm not in I'm not in this to bug I'm I want to leave her alone. I don't want her to know. I don't need her to lay focus on me. And so I passed up the opportunity to find her. I didn't want to do it. It wasn't the right time. I just didn't feel right. And then I go backstage. I do my thing. Kelly Clarkson comes off stage. Her and Pink performed together. I missed that performance because I'm backstage. But they come off and Kelly like kind of I go, great job, and Kelly's like, oh my god, hi, and she gives me a hug, which is really nice because she doesn't have to recognize me, even though I've been on her show three times, but like, still, I wouldn't expect her to remember me, and she was like, I never see you in this context. Oh my god. Hello. She was so nice, and I heard her backstage say to Pink after they go off stage. I never get nervous singing, except if i'm singing with you, which I thought was kind of a cool little backstage moment of like she really reveres Pink's voice. Yeah, yeah, I thought that was cool. And so then I do my thing and I have to walk upstairs, and I have the pointiest shoes I've ever had. They look like elf shoes. Let me just show you with them. They're the longest shoes I've ever worn in my life, and they're pretty interesting. Look at they have a spring that rats around your own leg. Okay, this is so funny the shoe and pay off of a person. It's very long, but look at how much more war it's coming. My foot ends there and it's coming off that. And I have to walk upstairs. This is a classic tripping shoe, like where you know when you have slightly bigger shoes and you start hitting the stair and you trip. So I have to walk up stairs, Briar. This is like a little joker shoe. Back in medieval times, the length Corchester. Sorry, the length of this thing was like a It was like a man would wear them. It was a fashion statement for men. And the longer you're the big shoe. Yeah, basically kind of Oh wow, So I'm walking upstairs, I'm like, oh my god. So I practice it and it goes fine. And I have to say every single time I presented an award recently or done like any kind of prompt or reading an award show, which has been several times recently, I flubbed a line and I don't really care because no one cares. But it's like, you're just nerves, you flubb line. And I had a lot of copy to get through it to be like and infinitely brings you the best new artist who helps you discover and I heard helps you discover your next favorite artist that is infinitely you, infinitely you, and like all these and then I had to say a four artist names and present them and I didn't fuck up a single line. I nailed it. And I got the note right before from Joel Gallen. Someone Joel told someone, the director told someone to tell me, hey. And the guy that was working with me, by the way, was the same guy that came out on stage when they presented the wrong Best Picture nomination of the Oscars. He was the one that came out on stage and was like, no, no, no, no no no, it was not La La Land. And so he that guy was famous. I didn't find out till after. Chris was like, you know the guy that was your stage manager, he's the guy that was the Oscars And I was like, ah, he's famous. And he was really nice and was a fan of mine and we were talking about Saint Louis and stuff. But anyway, Joel had one of the writers come up to me and go, hey, can you go fast? And I was like, that's the that's the name of the game, Like, are you kid me? And I was like, I am good. And that's why I didn't try to fight for my the line. I wanted to say, I'm a team player at these things. I want I'm serving Joel, who is the director. I want to give him a smooth show. And so I zipped through it. I nailed it. And then after the show, Chris and I went to go get pizza and we're sitting at the restaurant and he gets a text from UM like the another one of the UM big like number two in line I think right underneath Joel and he said Nikki must be gunning to host this thing. Because I was in the control room and the execs at Fox go, that's the energy we want brought to this that I was like, yes, all right, it's good, it's good to fight. Yes, but Kravitz, I mean, I'm no Lenny Kravitz, but I do think I am a really good host. And it was like it was a nice reminder to not do because Chris last night, when I final thought, was helping me with my line, because I was working with writers and texting with them about what I was going to say to present, and Chris was like, you can do this generic one or do you think do you think Schumer would do the generic one? Do you think Tina Fey or Sarah Silverman would do the generic one? Or would they try to fight for what they want to do? And I was like, I do believe they would fight for it, but I don't think this is the place to do that. Like I think there's a time and a place to fight for originality and to be yourself, but like, I think it's better for me to work with what I'm they're giving me and make that my own, as opposed to trying to buck the system and inject something that is not what is already approved by this sponsored event. And then I heard Taylor Swift speech of saying, you know, I she gave. So she got two awards last night, and she one of her speeches was also about it was also inspiring, was saying about Anti here at one for Best Song, and she said, we really didn't think this was going to be the single because this song isn't like a classic single song. It's not I didn't think it was like, you know, catchy enough, not simple enough. It wasn't all of these things that a single needs to be. And so when I said it was going to be the single, I knew people are going to be disappointed. And she said, but I have never like the for it. Yeah, she won Best Song for it, so it obviously did work. But she said she said something to the effect of when I've played it safe, it hasn't worked out for me. When I give people what they want, and when it doesn't work out, it's doing the thing that I want to do and trusting my intuition and trying to be different. Everyone's telling you to be like other people, but the thing that's really going to set you apart and make you successful is doing what is uniquely you. And so then I heard that, and I'm like, well, I should have done my own line. So I was getting mixed messages, which you always get and which is always kind of my final thought on the show, which is like I get told one thing and then I get told another. But I think I did. I did a perfect mix of like falling in line when you have to, but also injecting yourself into it and making the most of a moment when you find yourself back to do a corner where you're not going to get to be yourself, and being a team player and knowing the job. My job was not to go in and be Nicki Glazer and be memorable. It was to present a little award, keep things tight. I'm a I'm a professional presenter. I'm a professional host. Most of these people presenting awards are like musicians who are still trying to be kind of cool. They don't know how to read a prompter. My role was to keep the show moving and that's what I did, and I hope I get to do it again. I probably will because of that. So nice. You had a choice to make, I mean you could you chose. The one choice was do I want to do what the producers and the creators of this show would want, or do I want to make like a few more fans. Basically, yes, they're both are equal choices. Yes, and I've I've done the other thing before. And I have to say when I try to oftentimes trying to be I mean, Chris even said it, I would I would have trying been trying to be Amy Schumer er Tina Fey in that moment, because it isn't like me to go like I'm just gonna fucking do what I want, like I would have been imitating someone else even to be different. So also, your joke and your delivery is yours, so it is essentially used. I was able to make it me because at first the joke was like or you're just crying at the gym, and then it's over, and Chris was like, it's kind of like a crying woman joke, like we've heard it. It's just like women cry. It's just like, I don't know. And then when Jocelyn Hughes, a writer, changed it and she was like, I'm not sad, it was just because I want to use the free weights alone or whatever, that made it like that took it out of that realm of like, oh, sad woman, crying women cry all the time at the gym and made it way funnier. So shout out to Connor mcspladden. Connor mcspadden, it's Bladden and uh Jocelyn Hughes, who are the writers on that and that wrote that joke with me and what else? So yeah, and I was exciting. What a great night, Nikki and you are a knockout. Oh thank you? It was my clam team did an amazing job. Shout out to Karna, shout out to Christina, shout out to Danny and Emma. But um they Yeah, it was really fun getting ready for it. But the best part was in California. When you shoot these shows, it's over and then it's still light outside. It started at five o'clock, it ended at eight, and we or seven. It ended at seven. It was a two hour show. Chris and I were like, it's it's still light out and we had a whole night at Itzza time and we what did you say, pizza time? What was in the pizza? What's happen? I went to cross Roads, which is a vegan place. We tried to go to Lucifer's, but we walked in there was like heavy metal music playing and the sign said no bathrooms. And I was like, we're leaving, So I called another uber and we went to Crossroads, which is a vegan place. We saw um Billy Corgan. He's a fantas of vegan. It was bumping up in that place. We sat at the bar, which I love sitting at the bar in a restaurant because Chris does not like to sit on the same side of the table as me when we're dining together. And I like city. I like being like cuddly and like, oh what are you eating, and like being a couple. But at the bar, you're forced to sit next to me and we ate, Um, a pep you know, a pepperoni pizza which is so delicious, and I got some. Yeah, it was just really delicious food. And then we went home and we watched Love Is Blind the new season, which is fantastic. Oh my god. Yeah, do you watch last one? Yes? You should watch this new season. You guys. We got to talk about it because some best season will upstate. On The Bachelor, it's over. If you want to know what happened, Okay, do you I mean sure? He picked the girl. He picked the girl I said he was going to pick. He picked Yeah, Katie, classic of course, speaking of um Bachelor. Sitting next to me at the iHeart Awards last night was this girl and she was like, I'm a huge fan. I know Bill Dixon, I know Elon, which are two Bachelor guys, but they're my um guys from um hold on one second, Um, they're guys from Fboey Island. They also created that. So I saw last night Kalin from the Bachelor Colton season, who is now engaged to Dean and they met on Bachelor Patodise. Do you know who that is? Oh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, she'd been together a long time. They live in a van. She is a durable they're not living in Vegas, but she is so sweet and um she looked like Reese Witherspoon and they're now engaged and um, she was really nice. And I just want to say. There is a clip of me though, applauding Taylor Swift at the awards when she got her award, and Chris was laughing so hard because I could not. I was trying to behave myself in every other way. I can't squash my inner Swift. Ye, I was because Phoebe Bridgers was also there, who was like one of my favorite musicians ever and she's presenting to Taylor and I couldn't help but go like what love screaming like a person. I know they did. And I is writing to me saying, thank you for representing the level of enthusiasm that our girl, our blondie deserved, because you brought it. You weren't too cool, you were like jumping up and down, So thank you for that acknowledgment. And of course I brought that. And I will not disturb our girl. I will keep her safe. I just kept Chris out of video of me just going like you strom her. I would just see people like lurking towards her and a good wherever she needs to be protected. I want to be like on her security team. And I will not talk to you, Taylor. I just want to protect you. Um. Anyways, a great night, and that's and Brian, thank you for coming by. Um, we'll see you tomorrow on the podcast too. You'll come by. Oh yeah that's tomorrow. Yeah, what time we'll see Okay, hopefully I don't sound craggily with my fucking voice. Oh. One last thing I got asked to go. I just got to ask my producer from my reality show now producing a reality show with Paris Hilton, and she's like, Hey, we're shopping today, do you want to be on the show and come buy Sacks and like hang out with Taylor? And I don't Paris you'll like it? Or yeah, sorry Paris or Taylor Paris equally as impressive. I don't feel like it is. That is this me being Ian right now and scared? Yes, what are you going to do? Instead? Rest? I'm cold? I have to switch hotels. I have to then I have to look by what you just said goes against everything you've been saying for the last hour. So I gotta go. I gotta do it. And how long is it going to be? Anyway? So lucky I am still looking all works out. So maybe if I don't go, I'm still lucky and it will all work out because I kind of just want a little break today and I don't feel like going to I don't know how to dress for shopping at Sacks. It's gonna be tough or with And I'm telling you, being on camera with Paris Hilton is not fun. You look, you just look real rough because next to her, you're like, she's like pristine and she's heading on makeup said if they said you can have her glam team, just come, we'll help you get ready, it'll be no. And then I don't want to get ready because that takes too long, so they can't get me either way, but I do. I think I might do it. We'll see. We'll find out tomorrow on the show if I do it. And I know you're like, I can't believe you're turning down and are so funny together on cooking with Paris. I think it's going to be great. Okay, maybe I should do feel the moment it's done. Whoa, that's goods of successful people. That's why I will feel think about hired and like I might have just given Taylor or Paris COVID. I don't have covid. I got tested, but I do have something crackland in my throat. All right, guys, we gotta go. Thank you for listening to the podcast. We'll see you tomorrow on the show. Don't be cooked? And did you just go film that scene with Paris? Come on, what do you? What do you? What are you been doing? Stead sleep? Yeah? Probably, Well that's a good thing to so either way, it's gonna work out for you. You're very lucky. H

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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