The Nicky Glazer Podcast. Here, Nicky, hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's Nicki Glazer Podcast. I'm gonna turn down my welcome to the show. You guys. It's Nicky Glazer. It's Monday. Um joining us today in this special episode is on your Marina from New York. Noah is an Arizona, which is also a city in Arizona. We found that out from Brian Fanday last week and today from the streets of Brooklyn, Um walking his carry on luggage with a cigarette in his mouth and a tie around his neck. He's wearing the same alpity war lesson night. I don't even know that he changed out of it because his tie is still tied professionally, like he is a sloppy senator. It is Ian Finance, actually loopy, all Ian. You look great, Hey Finance. Hi, thank you? Right, so excited. I wore my suit because I spent a lot of money on it and I'm never taking it off. Yeah, you went to jose Banks yesterday, right, which they used to joke that that show you go like and you just get seven suits and they can all be dish rags. People like on SNL there was there was an SNL where like you buy seven suits and they're like cleaning up spills with them. It's a great suit. God, damn it, right, isn't it? You looked fantastic. I wouldn't know the difference between that and a nice suit, Like it looked nice to me? It was great. And you bought a tie. You looked so spiffy. And Last Night, of Course was the Mark Twain Prize Award for Humor that was presented to Adam Sandler and it was in Washington, d C. My boyfriend Chris Convey was the show runner for it, so I got a special invite, um to go watch it. I didn't have to do any work. I didn't have to present or do anything, not that they asked me, but um, it was nice to the night off and just go to an event. And um I had a plus one? And why did you chog? Why? Great question? I was like, do I ask I knew on you? What? Yeah? Do you want to answer? Why you think I chose you? Well? Can you not frame it in a why would you choose? Ian? Yeah? There was there was why judgment? Yeah, why would said why? A lot of friends I would like to know a lot more famous friends. UM no, no, I don't actually and you. UM. It's an interesting story how Ian came to even go to this because he, first of all, he's one of the first person that people I thought of. Because I was like, okay, it was last minute, it's in DC. I was gonna have to like probably get whoever's I was probably gonna fly my friend there put them up, and so I was thinking of people from New York that were wanted to go, and then I was like, there's no one really in New York that I definitely want to go to this with me, and it would be kind of like, I don't know. And then I see it's almost like my phone read my mind. Ian up a post that he's like in Arlington, Virginia, DC all weekend, and I saw his shows were until Saturday, and I texted him, I go, are you in DC on Sunday? He's like, I go back Saturday, and I go, what about Sunday? You go with me the Mark Twain Prize for Humor for Adam Sandler at the Kennedy Center. And he was like, oh my god, that sounds amazing. And then I was like I had to ask Chris like, because Chris was like, do you think you have a friend that would we're want to go? And I was like, I have a friend that wants to go, Canny go and he's like, let me make sure. So it was a little bit of waiting and then I finally said, yes, Ian, you're going with me? And he was like, I don't know, man, and then he tried to back out right. And I want to like read our conversation because it was an interesting I think a lot of people can learn from this. I'm like, I think it's a good life lesson. This is a hip of violation, like he's your therapist. This does feel no. I think people are going to learn from this. Um okay, I said, I go. Chris said it's looking good, and he goes, oh, and then I said and then a couple hours ago, I said, you're good to go, but the red carpet can't happen. I'm sorry. I could barely get on it. He said, Lol, So what do I do? Sit in a cage? I said, I totally get if you don't want to go, but I think it'll be fun. We have good seats, really good seats. You gotta go. He goes and I don't know. Man, I'm sorry, I'm kind of feeling anxious about it, about being alone with like a ton of celebrities and people I've grown up watching and I'm just some guy who no one knows. Lol, you know what I mean. And then I'm gonna be a needy friend LLL. I think we all relate to that feeling. Yeah, right, yes, I like, I don't want to go because I'm going to be not important there. There's gonna be people that are like, I hate going to these things. I always feel smaller. I'd always feel Even when I went to the Critic's Choice Awards and I was nominated, I was like, why am I here? Everyone's a big star. Also, this is all like fake and who cares? And it depressed me. So I get it. And I used to get invited to this ship all the time. When Amy started becoming super duper famous, she would invite me to premieres of stuff and and it was overwhelming. I didn't have like nice clothes, I didn't have stylists, I didn't have hair and makeup, and I was just like, I can't go to these events. I can't like mingle with Lebron James and Goldie Hawn and all these people that I met through there. But I always went because I knew that I would regret not going more than anything that could happen. And so I wrote to Ian. I said, okay, but why would you turn this fun down? I said, because you don't deserve to be around them. He said, L O L yes, I said, And this is the moment I said, Okay, well, then don't blame anyone but yourself when you aren't as successful as you want to be. Oooom, truth dropped by like it's true, because I go, okay, well, you know what, I'm never gonna listen to Ian bitch about anything about his career ever if he's turning down this huge opportunity to be amongst the people that he should be amongst. You know. And by the way, if you get invited to something, unless you're sneaking in and jumping a fence and posing as a cater waiter to like get in, you deserve to be there. You got an invite, so by means of me inviting you equals you deserve to be there. Ian is dancing right now as he finishes his cigarette. The last man in America who smokes Yeah, and I'm not going to stop. We don't. We don't want you to know. It's like, yeah, that connection's perfect. Um, so yeah, I mean we all relate to this feeling. But it really did make me realize and I was talking to myself to like, I can't bitch about things that don't happen for me when I don't audition for I get auditions and then I don't do it, or I turn down things, or I you know, I just like pussy out of stuff because so much of this career is doing stuff you're scared of, and you're scared, so it means run into it. What was it like to get that text? Ian? Like, what range of emotions were you feeling. I'd love to hang with Nick. That's a good time, but I don't know. It's like all these celebrities and I've like worshiped Sandler and his friends and seeing all their movies and I know all these guys, and I just always feel less than when I'm not comfortable, especially like with industry people, where like I can't be friends with like agents or bookers because I feel like it's like, yeah, ultimately, I like want something from you, and I don't want to be friends with someone if there's that like thing in my mind. So I didn't want to be a tel. You go the rod with a towel. There had to be a moment where you were intimidated by a twel and we're like he asked you to hang out and you were like, I don't want to it's gonna be too weird. And look at you now, you know, like yeah, yeah, no, have to get over eat. He started calling me and was like, hey, you want to go eat And I was like I don't think I should. I don't deserve you know. And then it's like whatever. But obviously, like everyone, not just people in our you know, industry, can get in our own way, and I think, like I'll let anxiety and year in future trooping getting a way of Like all I had to do was go and just have a fun time. It wasn't like I wasn't like going there to try to get something out of it, Like it was just a thing to like, dude, I'm gonna go and have fun. But I was just nervous about being like alone or like you know, everybody knows and loves you, And then I would just stand there like hello. Like my joke was like going up to people and being like, Hi, yes, I have a podcast, please interview me. But there's kind of something nice about like everyone of the if you looked around, there was maybe point zero two percent of people were famous in that point point two percent of people. Yea, thousands of people were actually yeah, there was no one recognizable. So it wasn't like you were at the Oscars at the exclusive after party there was most people were not comedians. It was like Washington DC types I don't even know. There was a lot of seat fillers. Yeah, and the people that I talked to that were like famous or whatever, we're like kind to me and nice. It was like totally fine. I just always feel weird being around people that I don't know, let alone people that I know about debate. I know and it just makes it pains me to hear that because I relate to it. But I'm also like, this is going to stand in your way so much to be successful, because you have to be delusional. If you learned, if we learned anything last night from the Mark Twain Prize for Humor for Adam Sandler, let me just tell you what it is. Adam Sandler is as successful as he is because a he works hard, but a bee, which is a huge bee, like almost as big as a He had confidence. Why did he have confidence because his whole family, he was never bullied by any of his He had brothers and sisters. They all showered him with like you are the best. His mom still says, like you're the best short stuff that ever could have been. He's never he doesn't play baseball, and she's like, well, you just and practice enough, you could have been. You could be anything you want to be if you practice hard enough. And he was instilled with that. He said, I mean, it was the theme throughout the night. And then he finally gets on stage at the end of the night. And you'll see this on CNN on Sunday if you watch the Mark Twain is so good. But if you watch it, he pretty much gets to the end end of it and he delivers his speech. After all these people have made fun of like this guy got so far with no talent and like just doing like shoo boo boo and like you know, like just being a goofball and wearing basketball shorts and not trying. But it's like he had confidence, and he even said it. He was like, my brother would be like, you're the funniest guy ever. You need to do comedy. His brother went to go see him for the first time to do comedy and he bombed. He was like, I think I bombed and his brother's like, no, you killed. Man. He goes, oh, I guess I killed, and his brotherly convinced him he killed, so he was able to go do it again. And if you don't have that in your life, which most people don't, you gotta fucking find a way to get that delusional kind of confidence. And most comedians do have it. Your mom gave you a lot of that ian you do have it. Well, you can't say confidence without saying confidance and name and no. I mean like a big part of everything is fake it till you make it and just act as if and it's it's just a difficult thing no matter what. Because Adam Sandler used to be that. But he I bet Adam Sandler wouldn't blink about getting an invite to these things, And by the way, I would have blinked too. I would have been like, I shouldn't go. But I'm like, if I lived life like Adam Sandler and just said yes to everything and felt like people need to hear what I have to say. And there was some comedian I was reading about recently who if the crowd didn't laugh, they would he would be like, they just don't get it, man, that sucks. They don't get it. Whereas I go, even when they do laugh, I go, they they I tricked them. They they they're stupid. They don't they like but to beat have the goal of a comedian and be like if you bomb, to put that on them, of like you guys just don't get me is a level of sociopathy I do not want to have. But there's a there's a medium. There's a good medium to have of like not thinking that you're tricking everyone because you're not. I mean, that's ridiculous, but also to not to not be like cocky and um but I kind of wish I did have that a little bit of like, but I must anyone who um ian's going through the NASA training program to buy the space station apparently any it sounds like you're going through eighteen different like air chambers, a metal harness. He's clipping on himself. Sound like that, Um I hope. I hope you go the way of the challenger. I am confidence in you. I do. I really think you could. You could beat at those O rings that weren't attacked properly. I think you something about you being on board. It'll I hope you later anyway, But I did that text from Nikki inspire you to go? Did it turn your around to make you go? Yeah? Yeah? And I like talk to some friends and stuff, like I was with racing and I was like, dude, I just feel like my weird like I don't belong, you know, like I don't like I feel like a like a weirdo. I don't ever want to be like a try hard or like like God like in search myself into things that I don't belong and I I just, uh, I don't know. But it was nice. I'm saying if you were like I asked, it was almost in searching to me. I I like, it's not that serious. I can make a mountain out of a mole hill and I can be like, yes, this is let me overthink everything. And it was like no, I just got out of my way. Okay, So then Ian fucking have fun. You know, he decides to go and he embraces it. He goes up and gets a suit. I fucking loved him for it. He gets me a thank you card, he got me flat hours. He comes in, he gets a cigarette case, he gets a little cigarette extender thing that they were in the nineteen twenties that like earlier. And then um oh he was I didn't even see that. Uh. And then he also got a cane, a new cane called a Pippie cane because the cat's name was Pippie or something. There's a cat on it. He's telling that story all night. No one, No one cared. No Ian looked fucking great and was just such a good sport and came in and was like he came to my hotel room. Chris was staying at the Four Seasons, which was so nice. By the way, I saw Jennifer Anniston as I was checking in yesterday. I thought this was gonna be the weekend I met Jennifer Anniston. It's been a big build up. This is like one of my last celebrities on my you know, Obama and Jennifer Anston are like the two left that I'm like, those are my biggies. And I thought this was gonna be the weekend. It wasn't, but I did see her in the flesh for the first time, both at the award but also walking into the I went to go get Starbucks and I was coming back to the Four Seasons and she was coming in and I saw her like she had her bag on the ground by the valet and she was like looking through it and I saw her gorgeous golden locks, and then she stood up and she was a tiny person. She was like five one. I was very very short. I was because so many like actors and like big, bigger like movie stars and stuff, are short, and I'm a short guy. So that, yeah, that does feel good. She's a woman though, so it kind of works. But um oh, I'm kidding, people are gonna be number mine. I won't say what people are gonna say because I'll just let them say it anyway. So, um, I saw Jennifer instant. And then I was at four the four Season, which was such a nice hotel. It's just like the place. There were paparazzi up front all day because there was a sports seam there the night before. There's a basketball team, a bunch of famous people, and then what are you laughing at No. It was funny because at the end of the night we were hanging out and there were some sports you're checking in and Nicki was sticking her face or like this gap in the wall and was like, what sport are you? Sport are you? Because we were like, are they a basketball team or a football team? But it's clearly football is not in season and there were no black guys, so it is a hockey team. So I just kept yelling what sport and you couldn't see me. My head was like through the slats. There was like it was this slatted wall that separated the bar and restaurant from the hotel lobby. So anyway, I've got to go to break, but I'm going to talk about how Ian came in like a wrecking ball to my hotel room, and then we have a story of the aftermath. Ian. It's so funny, and we'll talk about our night and all the celebrit was so exciting when we get back right over this, All right, we're back with Ian Finance from the hit podcast b and Ian. He also has a Patreon for that show or no sorry, what is it called? Being in with Jordan? With Jordan being in with Jordan. Oh my gosh, Jordan is so freaking funny. What's Jordan's last name again, Jens Jensen. I knew it, said at the same time as you. Yeah, she is so funny. Um, and I'm attracted to her me too. Whoa, Okay, she was raised by two women and she just has and she's strange. She has a masculine quality, but she just has this confidence and like I love her eyes, her face. Yea, you look like her, that's it. Oh my god, she's just I think she's so pretty and just has a cool vibe. She's so cool. I haven't met her in person yet. I saw her at the seller one time, and obviously I knew who she was, but I was almost like intimidated to say him. She was at the back table the fucking best. We have so much fun together and we're like best friends anyway. So like we had we both had off last night last week, like one night. Yeah, and we were podcasting Monday, podcasting Wednesday, and we were both off Tuesday night. So we went and saw a movie together. You see Scream and did you? It was a movie. It was good. It was a fun rom at the cinema. Oh yeah, I haven't seen Screams since Scream Too. I think, Oh, you got very fun. It's a fun little series. That was such a good movie. When Jada Pickett Smith gets a fucking knife through the head when she's in the bathroom, she's the first one killed. I think in that in that movie. No, Drew Barrymore was which who we saw last night? Okay, so we're back. Check out being Ian with Jordan his podcast, and he's so funny. He was a perfect date to have because Ian is this person that he's so comical looking. He's such a cool looking guy, but he also looks funny and nice and approachable, and he is all those things. So he's a perfect date. I chose Ian mainly because I remember remember gad El Malay, how do you say this last name? How could we forget Nay? Remember gad was obsessed with you. I just always remember he was like, what is this man? I'm fascinated by him? You should be a star. I just think the celebrities are like obsessed with Ian, Like I just knew he would be someone that would be like flashy and everyone would And I even heard people at the after party going and the guy in the mustache apparently, and then I like didn't say, but I heard someone be like and the guy with the cave like they were like everyone loving you. Every time you would walk away, people would be like, is the cana prop or does he really need it? I was like, he was hit by a car three years ago, so he kind of needed a first and now it's more of an ex Really, Oh, I thought he was just talking. Yeah. No, I separated my sacrum from my pelvis and I slipped my L four and L five. Shout out, Dawn, my osteopath. Thank you, Um, so you're you're healed again. She really healed you. You're osteopath, she yelled me. And then I gotta, I gotta go back this week and then I and then I start physical therapy. He's just dropping glass. He's not peacocking either. He needs those um for his personality. A handicap. Wait, what did I say last night involving handicap? That was so funny? Ian I had a good line about it was so good. God, damn it, I don't know. I forget, Please God, can we remember? Because it was it was good enough to write down almost anyway. We had so many good jokes. I said, I was cracking up, and also, Dan's just a great date because it's the I have anxiety in those moments too. I was not there working. I don't know if anyone fucking knows who I am. I didn't feel I was just sitting with the general audience. I wasn't like up on the sides with all the celebrities. There was no like vip pass that I had, Like I'm friends with dad, but hey, we were with some celebrities. We were very close to Wolf Blitzer. He was behind us the blitz. Yeah, world War One call back to um so he yeah, he was sitting behind us, but um yeah. So Ian comes to my hotel room to get ready. I've already had hair and makeup. Come to my room. I had a great team. Um and I'm in my robe but I'm all done up. I'm like, don't want to get him my dressed yet because it's so tight. And Ian comes in, and I thought Ian was I got him a hotel room. I thought he was gonna like go to his in a different hotel, but it was like close enough by. I thought he was gonna go to his hotel and get ready and then come meet me like ready. But he comes in with his suitcase and like all of his bloggings has not jumped into his hotel yet, and he comes in. He has to take a shower and he has to like totally get ready. He but he's immediately after his shower, he's sweating so much. And I was cold because I'm about to be cold all night long. So I blasted the heat a little bit. It was hot, but then I turned it down and you were still sweating all night long, all night loss. Yeah, I two together your problem. But also you want to go back and and read your little text you said, Yeah, the room and get ready. I'm thinking get ready for finishing touches like tie to tie, Like I didn't know who would be like take a shower in my boyfriend room. Oh, probably that too. So he comes in. He has all of his cigarettes light out on the bed. He's taking his cigarettes out of the path pristine white bed because he has a cigarette case that he got that's a silver case and he wants to take them out of the unsightly Um. Yeah, so he has a beautiful so he has all the loose there's tobacco all over litter all over my boyfriend's bed. Um. Then he goes and takes a shower, which is fine, like I didn't care. Then he's like he's sweating so much he can't get dressed because he can't, and I'm I'm like, I'll blast the ac I'm so sorry, So I'm doing that he is. Then he goes in the bathroom and I it's getting the way where it was like, Ian, we gotta go. I guess he's shaving his mustache and I just hear like him squeal in pain and then start laughing maniacally like Joker style, and I go, what's going on? And he's got blood coming down his lip, like into his teeth, on his lip, eating everywhere, and he's like it's okay, it's okay. And I was like, oh, is it really okay? How are you going to stop that? Up? In five minutes, our ober is coming? And it was so because we've were laughing so hard because I and describe what you thought like it was a hilarious image Right now. I could not have a funnier thing. Then sitting at this prestigious award show at the Kennedy Center for the Mark Twain Brice for American Humor and its Celebrities a galla then and the camera goes to Nicky Blazer at CNN and and I'm sitting there smiling with a mouthful of blood just in my teeth, jed like, with your fucking cane cigarette. Nobody knows me and I'm the guy who's who's bleeding. Look like I have a head injury on the red carpet. You look like a young Mark Twain too. You would say that to you last night? You kind of does no, totally your love. Yeah, so he stops it up, and then we finally leave, and um we go. We go to the event, and it was so fine. Before we get to the event, we go downstairs and we sit with David Spade and Chris Rock and Ted Assistant and Ted Silanos. Anyone know who that is? The man who owns Netflix? Oh himself? Guy's a charge of Netflix. Dude, did you bleed on him? I think it's Soranos or Sarah Serranos. But this was wild. I okay, I have to do a thought experiment of what we all would do. Okay, because this is Ian finance. He I would want no one else to be my date I asked for this. I just I'm not I just want to know what y'all would do. Okay, So we are sitting with Um, David Spade and Chris Rock and Ted. Ted joins a little bit later, but Um and David's assistant Heather, who I love, and I could tell Ian's like a little nervous, but he's fine. Like it's I'm nervous. I'm not usually around Chris Rock. Like it's like I wasn't nervous, but it's like, you know, it was a little bit like, oh my god, you know, and I just watched Chris A specials. So I'm telling him about I feel about that, and we're all just like having fun and chatting, and Ian's fine. And when we really that's what we realized, like we're not gonna be able to eat before this thing, and it's gonna be we're going right to the event. If we're about to get an uber, we're going right to the vent. It's gonna be three and a half hours and then we're not gonna eat and Um, and Ian's hungry, and so I was like, and I have my bars with me, so I'm gonna be fine. I know that. But um, because I expect no place to have vegan food. But Ian, I'm like, oh fuck. So I was like, it is okay if Ian has some chips and fries. They had like this little centerpiece of fries and chips that they like brought to all the tables and um, They're like, yeah, that's fine. So Ian takes some chips and it was fine. And then there's this like the shrimp cocktail that is sitting untouched, like on the side of the table. No, no, no no, it was not a shrimp cocktail. These were the largest frauns giant ever seen, I mean giant August. There's probably how many were there six five okay five and had had anyone had one yet none okay had food on the table. Yeah, they were eating. No one's touching that. They got all this food going to there's all this food. Okay, there's not all this food. Chris Rock has the Caesar salad, there's like the French fries. Uh Spade has his plate of meat or whatever, and then there's the shrimp cocktail. But it's not being touched. But it seems like it's it's part of the smartest part, you know, like it's gonna be along. Maybe they're gonna sit there a while. So Ian goes, would you guys mind if I had some of the shrimp? And they go, yeah, my god, sure? What did you say? Spade asked if I wanted the shrimp because I kept going back for the fries, and he goes, here, have have some Have some of the shrimp. Okay, some of the shrimp. So Ian, what would you do if you were starving and it was it was offered to you? Said? He said, have the shrimp. No, you can't take it back. Listen, he said, have Even if he said have the shrimp, let me just put this to you guys, and you're starving, and you do see a lot of food there. They've already got their main dish. The appetizer maybe arrived with the main dish. So maybe it's like part of it. I don't know. I get appetizers in my main dish together. So Ian is offered the shrimp, right, so he takes it over and puts it in front of himself. If you were Ian, how many shrimp would you have had? Of those five shrimp? If you were not a guest at this table about to leave in three minutes? How many shrimp? Would you have of these giant prawns? If Spade told me have the shrimp, I would eat four of the existing five and then say are you sure I can have all of these? And then I'd finish off the fifth if I got permission. If he said have some of the shrimp, I'd eat two and then probably asked I remember what we said, because actually Spade has a joke about he sometimes says shrimps instead of shrimp because it's just a funny thing to say to waiters and waitresses to be like, I think I'll have the shrimps, and they go, okay, yeah, you'll have the cocktail shrimp. And then he goes, yeah, let's do one of the cocktail shrimps. And he just keeps hitting shrimps. So he said that. He goes, do you want some shrimps? To Ian? I believe that was the phrase. Ian puts it in front of him. I look over. Within three minutes, he's sucking off the last one. He's completely decimated this untouched shrimps appetizer. And I just and I am like a little bit embarrassed because this is my guest that they don't know, and he's just eating a complete appetizer that they didn't even touch. That it was probably thirty five dollars. I mean, at least when this menu and they're with three of the most powerful people in common in all of comedy and entertainment. He gave him a great story, and I wonder why Ian wasn't scared to be around famous people and he can't trust himself. I mean, I wanted to tell him Ian the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp, like I wanted to do the classic Seinfeld line because you were stuff in your face like George was. And then that board meeting when he goes, oh the church store called, and they're running out of you and they it was exactly like that. You just had your last strip in your mouth and then um. So I just thought that was so funny, because in no world would I I would of course I would want all of them. I would. I would be obsessive about There's been so many times I've been at dinner and people don't eat all of something an appetizer, but I, because I'm not paying and I'm not a guest, I will not dare eat them. And maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should we shall all be more like an and you can't be listen to any or if you know, if you're putting shrimps in front of me, Yeah, to know something. I'm a dirty dig delaware doozy and I'm gonna eat them all. Okay, It's just it is what it is. And and can I also say they weren't touching them? No, they were front. You weren't wrong. It wasn't about that though. It wasn't about like if they would know You're totally right, But why would they order it if it didn't seem even good for to have one of them like they you didn't give this. Maybe they gotta face like a complimentary thing from the restaurant. No, they did not. There's no complimentary shrimps. If we got there was like a you know, I's trying to spin it. Sorry, No, I'm not done with Ian. I'm not done Ian. I have a couple more things to call you out on. And don't you all come at me and goo Nikki's bullying Ian. I don't want to hear any of that. Ship. I'm so tired of being called out for being mean to boys when all I watch on Instagram is reels of boys being mean show each other in podcasts and everyone fucking eats it up. I'm giving Ian shit behavioral things, and I can take it back myself. You can give me shit about stuff I do. Try like just and I know you're like, no, you can't take it. Well, if I can't, then I can't. But I'm I'm serious. This is coming from love, so ea. And also what Nikki's not telling you is it? I thank them and I put the shrimp shells on my fingers and said, would anyone like? And that goes. We need to give this guy a development deal. Yeah, three specials, just like Chappelle. This guy has something to say about the trance community three different ways for three hours. So yeah, yeah, you're right, actually does have some experience. Yea. That Yan's gonna go to Long john Silver's with Ted uh talk out their deal. Okay, Simpson, So I can't tell if it's your cane or your cat. This cat looks severely terrified. I got that looks like piano cat. It looks paralyzed. Okay, so let me just Ian. I have I have to just share a couple more things, so then then let's just okay. So we went to the event. We'll tell you more about that in a bit. But we get back at the end of the night and we're all in this blick bar area, and by the way, there is a group of people that include Ben Stiller and Chris Rock like at the same bar that we're at in the lobby, but we're sitting at a different table. And in that group it was also a girl that looked exactly like Jennif Fransen. So I thought Jennif Franston was there, but it was her. It was it was a doppelganger. But it was so funny because our table didn't see what I saw, which was this girl that looked like jenn Franson. And there were two Khaki, Chris's sister, and then Bihar Kuren, Chris's brothers. Date. Khaki and Bihar we're talking about Brad Pitt very loudly and like as you would like in conversation with your girlfriends, like at a bar it would be. But I'm like, guys, no, like like it was like the only it was so funny that like, and I've this has happened a lot in my life where I will hear people talk about celebrities that I know. Next to and I'm like, you think you can talk about celebrities whenever you want, but there are certain times when those celebrities or the people they've dated is like right next to you. And at the Four Seasons in DC, on this specific night, you couldn't talk about celebrities openly. I mean, it was teaming with them, so but it I kept saying a couple of things that I like, was like, oh, I forgot where I am. Like I told Nikki, I was going around going Eyeszone Obama, I have eyes. We are at the Kennedy sent and then at one point, oh my god, I kept just eating. I wouldn't look at Ian and I would just go, Nope, don't say it. Because there were just so many times to make really right wing conservative like Storm of the Capitol type jokes where Ian would like people and be like, hey, hi, I'm eighty eight million people really voted for Biden. Gonna believe it anyway. I have a podcast and a cat named Samson. H you got a shrimps. It's so funny that there were only five or six there. Oh yeah, I mean it was a shrimp cocktail. It was decorating the side of the dish. But they were hanging out like they were jumbo shrimps, and so I can't, like, can stop saying shrimps. It's so funny. So we go back and it's like I can tell it's like eat, time for Ian to go. My boyfriend is about to arrive. And Ian has been with me all night, and it's like we're tied aired and and Ian just eight and I can tell that like Ian's like leg is just moving like he's working a sewing machine, like it's going up and down so fast. There were so many times during the night I just had to like and he'd like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm like, it's okay. I just want to calm your leg down. So Ian was re earned to go and um He's like, I gotta go back up to your room to get um my suitcase and stuff that he had up there. And I was like, oh great. So I hand him a hotel key and he goes up there and he is up there for so long because I said, grab me a protein bar because there was nothing on this menu and I was like, I'm hungry. So he grabs me one. He comes right down. I go, why did it take I texted him, why is it taking you eight hours to back? Like what is going on up there? And he's like, I had to pack and he comes back down and then he leaves, and then Chris and I go up to the So Chris, let me just say, oh, Ian's gone. Oh he's got to come back for this because it's too funny. And I'm gonna send you guys a picture of what I came back to in the Oh my god, I cannot even imagine more tobacco. It's like tobacco in a heart shape on the bed. Oh my god, that would be so funny, like a honeymoon suite. And I love that your vibe is so easy with him though, Like I love that you can give him so much shit and he loves it. Yeah. I mean he's a goofball and I that's why I love him though. He's so quirky, but he's happy, go lucky. That's like, yeah, what I imagine when I hear that term. Yeah, I've always wanted to have a brother like this, Like so I we could talk shit to each other a little bit, like just even saying, what are you doing up there for so long? Like I don't have a relationship like that. Anyone I have a relationship with that literally everyone of every there's no one I wouldn't go like, what are you doing up there? Like come on, I mean, it's the way my dad talks. I just hear my dad constantly being judgmental and like, what are taking so long? And I go, where did I get my judgmental like impatient bitch mode from Daddy's girl Daddy? But yeah, it's like it was getting to the point where it was like what could he be doing up there? It was like really a long time and so and by the way, Chris is not like a fan of smoking or tobacco products, So there was a point when there was tobacco in the bed that I was like, let's clean up all of this, so it's not like sitting here all night. And so I got it off the bed and I go back upstairs with Chris. And by the way, Chris has worked, I mean, Chris has probably slept four hours in the past week working on the show, and he is about to only get forty five minutes of sleep before he has to get on a plane tomorrow to go start editing this because he has to deliver it on Friday, and it's a huge edit job and we are watching Ian zip his pants. Okay, started with your penis. I thought you were doing a bit du Literally, the camera came back on and the Ian is zipping up his pants. O god, I'm glad you got whatever that was done. It was a prawn my phone. Yeah, there'd be hilarious. And then I went to the bathroom and I ran out. Oh, I know exactly what you did. I know how you live it, man, So thank you, welcome back to the show. So I was just saying you were, um, you know, on the you had gone up there, you'd taken a while long time. We go back up and Chris literally has forty five minutes to fall asleep before he has to get up and start putting, putting, writing in notes and then take his fight back to La to start editing. He has no time. So we get there and um, I go in the bathroom and I'm washing my face and I'm getting ready for bed, and Chris is kind of like, you know, packing up stuff in the room and I go, I look in the trash and I'm just gonna send you a picture of what I see in the trash. Okay, and this is. This is at the Four Seasons by the way, which is like the nicest hotel you can stay at. This is what Ian has placed in the trash. And I just want to know, like if you had to dispose of this product or like this bag of things, like do you think do you think you I'm sending it to YouTube and so you can see what you laft. No, it's so funny. So I don't even know what what in the world like any it's a giant bag of like cigarettes and other things a bag, but you placed it on top of the trash, almost like on the very top, so I get it. I'm like, Chris, there's like a really I go, this is I just want you to know I'm not smoking Marlborough rets. This is again you didn't even try to like tuck it in the dress like I guess I'm just running through what I would do, would just like hide my disgusting, smelly tobacco. But you did put it in a ziploc bag, which I appreciate. It's trash. It looks like it was a Christmas display. It just look like a beautiful display. And also did you did you notice I hate the towels with my blood on it. I'm getting to that, mister, I't that so so I was just like, I go, Chris, I'm sorry he didn't tuck it more in because it's like a beautiful towel than there's just like this white rash trash sticking out. It's the most I was like that fucking hillbilly. And he goes, did you just call him a hillbilly? And I was like yes, this is a fucking hillbilly moment. So then we go to bed and um, Chris sleeps for forty five minutes. I don't even sleep in the time that he's sleeping, so I'm awake the whole time. I hear his alarm go off. He gets up and he just wants to take a hot shower before he gets on the plane. And he just comes back and he goes, hey, um, did like, did Ian like shower here? And I was like yeah he did, and he goes, yeah, there's no towels left, so he had no towels And then I'm this and I go, babe, I'm so sorry. You can use the bathroom. There's a fresh bathroom you could use that. He's like, you know what, I don't even. He wasn't mad at all. He was like, no, no, no, it's fine. But I was just like, he was like, make yourself at home, and there's no main surface between when Ian is at my place and we are going to have to use this again. So this morning, Ian, I woke up and I got the bathroom and I see, I see what Chris is attempted to look for in towels. And they're towels hanging up and there's two of them. And what Christmas have done was looking these towels to see if they were like clean enough or had any like spray tan stains, because he's used to seeing like my spray tan on stuff and like going, it's dirty. And there was blood all of his face. Chris just wanting a hot shower in his own hotel room. I'd like to dry off. Accordingly, there's not wet towels. There's like thirteen packs of Morrows, and there's blood all over the towels. It was so funny this. I started laughing so hard. But he Chris, did I give a shit. I was just like that fucking hill billy, bleeding and sweating all over town. It was so funny tobacco. I didn't even get into the after party. I know, Ian, you have to go, but we go. We go to the after party and Ian so it was like delicious food at the after party. There are shrimp cocktails at the party. How many did Ean have and how many shrimps are on each one? Four? How many shrimp cocktails did e In have? Four? So he did have two shrimp after the ceremonies, plus six gigantic ones thirty prawns. Oh my gosh. The documentary Spiracy is about you. What the fuck man, our oceans are being to fleted. You're part of the problem in I'm but we were laughing Zard because he would like double hit. You know how sometimes people get like two drinks for someone and they'll put like two like like you know, like champagne glasses, because that's what they were in. Was like kind of not champagne but like um margarite and glasses. So he was told it's like a waiter going, but he had two in each inn and he kept pretending that he had a friend. Meanwhile, the only thing I could eat there was this slaw is like mango cuga for slaw, and I was holding down our seats, and I was like, I could really go for some more slaw. Ian goes to go get some more food, brings back, No, Slaw brings back twenty five shrimps. It was so funny. Oh my god, like did you he posted a picture and the damn him on the toilet. He sends it to me being like, is that after we've I've sent him all these getty images of us looking like so dapper as fuck on the red carpet. By the way, he did get to walk in the end. It was awesome and they were like and we had such a good time doing that. They the photographers loved you, like there was listen, you know, this was all like um group of photos just you go over here, over here. But they were like they were cracking up at us. It was like I felt like we were doing our pitch for like our sitcom, you know, like what the posters would be. Yeah, Yanni and Laurel. Oh my god, holy Yanni. Um I was using I was using my cane as a guitar, yes, and then like spinning around and and you know how, you know how when on the Red Garbet when they go who are you wearing? Where'd you get your suit. I just would have got They were going, where'd you get the cane? I would tell us about the cane? Where, Well, it's a it's a pippie cane. I got it from Georgetown back. If you see on Getty Image there is a close up of Ian's cane. They just did a real close up of the pipe. Okay, yes, because sometimes they do that on there's one on my like bracelet, there's one of my shoes. But there's there's cane heerbs out there. Wait, let's talk about when you went up to go have a cigarette after we did the Red carpet and there were complete there were so many fans out there waiting for the rivals celebrities. And I thought we were just going out because I was just joining him for his post carpet sig and there were like a ton of people being like Nicki, NICKI, come take a picture. It was all these like cute fans and like they're just comedy fans, and they they were they were waiting for Anniston, but they were throwing me a bone. But then there was one group of guys yep that go Ian finance, and I was like hell yeah, and they knew Ian, and so then Ian goes and have a cigarette, and then on the way back in, Ian was like, I'm gonna go give some love to this guy over here that shouted because they're behind a barricade and they're kind of like quarantined off. So Ian's like, I'm gonna go over to get to allow them to take a picture with me because they were excited to see him, which is the right thing to do. So what happened Ian, Well, so I just I did. You could go straight into the building, or you could go this way and over to be around the people in the barry. You're gonna give them a you know, I was gonna do some selfies. You know, the people want to be you know, it makes people feel good. So I went over and I see all of them looking at me, and now I'm headed into the building and behind us is the red carpet where the limos and the expedition show up. So I go over and they're all looking at me, and I wave and these this is a group of people that were going to eat and Ian finance. So I'm like, oh, oh please please, and they go there he is and I go, hey, guys, and um, they completely ignored me, and we're looking at the person who arrived by Ian was like, here, I am, and they were like they were like, no more. And that is exactly why I wanted to get the funk out of there, because I knew famous people were gonna roll up and we were gonna feel small as fuck. But we were the only people there at the time, so they were like so excited for us. Um. And then we went into the event and we watched it and it was so freaking good. We were like, you know, feet away, we were fifth row. We got to see Chris Rock, Conan O'Brien, Um, Rob Snyder, U, Ben Stiller, Still Stu Aniston, Drew Barrymore Yeah, um and and and many more. I think we're missing his mom. Adam's mom did a thing. Adam's wife did a thing. I mean it just if you want to feel bad about your relationship, and like Adina Menzel adelmot nazim As, John Vulture calls, if I do want to say, if you want to feel bad about your own relationship, listen to the love story of Adam and his wife on the Mark Twain Prize Award for Humor on Sunday Night, like it is like I was just sitting there and even after the show, I asked a few other people like, were you comparing your own relationship to theirs, And everyone's like yes, And it was like, oh god, it's like watching a rom com where you're just like, now you know where he kind of like gets the um what are you using? Oh, he's eating kale bites? Or then did you get kale bites? No? I got egg white and roasted red pepper bites. Oh yeah, those are good. Those are good. My my my screen is frozen. You guys are frozen. So you think that you're a frozen two? Yes? Right, I know what's going through your head. Ian is he's starving. Ian's like a child, you know how Like children if they can't see you, they think you can't see them when they hide, like they'll hide behind like a tree. So it's like but you can see them totally. So Ian didn't whatever, but we were laughing. Sword. I want to throw myself under the bus a little bit because Ian, you caught this moment and we never talked about it before. Remember when I was trying to get us in the vip lound and there was that guy I was trying to fight, and I don't, dude, it wasn't racist. I want to say what I did wasn't. I don't remember what people look like. So I met this guy initially who was like area, and I go, let me go get my friends. I go get my friends. I come back and he's not there anymore. But there was a guy that was like there when this guy told me that, and I go, where's that guy that just told me he can get me in the VIP area? And he's like, and that guy's a bestie. By the way, Um, I forget his name, but he is probably listening to this. Bob was his name, Bob, Yeah, shut up, shout out. Really good job remembering it. He hung at the VIP party, was very nice. I really enjoyed talking to him, and um, I was so sorry this happened. But he went away and I couldn't fight. But I didn't remember, Like I just I'm not good with faces. And it sometimes gets misconstrued as racism because it's just like, so I go, there was a guy that was right here. He goes, oh, yeah, he's coming, he's coming back. So he radioed him. He's like, he's coming back and in my mind, I was like, I think he was like a black guy. I don't really remember, Like it just didn't stick. So then I see this black guy coming down the way and I go, oh, there he is, and I'm like, wave at this guy. It's not him, okay, not at all. And then the guy shows up and what is he in? And I go, is that racist? I think they ever? Like it's I think all brown people look alike a barely, but it's not that. It just it didn't. That's how much I don't care about racist that I don't. It doesn't even go in my head that he's a Could that be it? Or is it? I mean I kind of think, yes, they well I just don't. I'm not kidding. Yes, they were dressed alike because they were part of the staff, so everybody was in the same thing. And on top of it, most of the time every staff member was wearing asks, so you couldn't like see ship. Okay, I'm totally on your team. I mean, I thought it was fucked up when you saw the guy and you go, oh, that's right, that one's riding a magic carpet. I was like, that's a bit much. But I just think it's hilarious that I it wasn't like I just I just saw, like I just remember I met him, and I think my mind must have gone he does have darker skin tone. It wasn't I was so urgent your head. It's it's the same thing that was in my head about I wouldn't admit it. I wouldn't admit it on this podcast. There was nothing about me that was like I think he's less then, or I see them all as the same. It was just funny to me that it's not like I misconstrue two black people, because whenever that happens, I beat myself up so much. One time I tipped a girl hundred bucks. I was not helping at all. I thought her one hundred dollars. After the show, and everyone was like, this happens to me with white people. To it, Maybe it doesn't because I'm maybe more familiar with because I'm surrounded by the more. I don't know, maybe I do have a subconscious uh, Like, it's not like I think they're less than because I can't always it doesn't. Whatever it is, I'm not meaning to do this, and I think that there's something to be said for me admitting that sometimes I fuck up, but I did. One time at the DC improv Tom Takar witnessed me give a girl who from behind looked exactly like this other girl then the same hairstyle, and I go, hey, thank you so much for this weekend, and I gave her a crisp under dollar bill. She did not one time come by our green room. She was not our green room girl, so that I had to. So then we were walking by black people in the street. He's like, you want to give him und like just to be safe, and I was like, but you know what, that's that's my reparations for being such a piece of shit. I pay people, you know. But I felt but Ian caught it, and I get so embarrassed when I get caught being maybe racist, I get so embarrassed, and not that that's like, don't feel sorry, but I just get um, I get really insecure, like am I do I need to correct this? But it was just it's like I can't help that I don't really look at faces sometimes, or I can't help that even maybe I do have that sort of like confusion because I didn't grow around up around black people as much so and I feel like black people and um Asian people feel the same way about white people. A lot of times I've heard that they also think we all look alike? Is that true? Not that I'm saying that I think they all do. I gotta ask, do you think all white people ever? Like do you think some white people look alike? Ever? Do you get a confused? What did he say? Did you say? He said not really? But he was no? But is he is he Asian American? Like? Did he grow up in America? And like, so he's been surrounded by white people forever? I'm saying, like, I'm not surrounded by Asian people all the time. I'm not, Like I haven't been exposed enough. And that's my fault. I gotta put myself in more situations, that's the problem. Yeah, you know. Um, so thank you for doing that case study. You gotta get to your podcast. Uh yeah, all right, Well we gotta go to break anyway, we'll say goodbye, thank you. Is there anything you would like to leave us with before we leave? Any other final Um? Do you want to call me out for any hilarious things? I mean, I called you out many times? No, No, I'm I'm a good person. And so I just want to say, you know, life is like a party you're not invited to, You're not there for a long time, and while you're there, eat up all the shrips. Okay, be and Ian with Jordan Padreon dot com slashing Ian pod Nick. I love you. I couldn't have had a better You are such a good day. I love you and and and honestly, man, I am such a diehard sale Oh my god, you went and saw Jack and Jill in the theaters twice, so he was like, it was the perfect person. Jack and Jill in theaters twice. I've seen the Cobbler three times. Like, I don't even know what the Sandler shaped who I am as a person with comedy, how I view my friendships, how I view uh, just treating people. He's his ability to be sincere and funny and cute and heartfelt but also silly, like really shaped my ethos with comedy. So to be there for that was awesome. It was such it was such a surreal, wonderful moment. I can't thank you enough for inviting me, giving me the pep talk. I love you, and I love and Noah. I wish you all the shrimps and um, you know, I just hope one day you guys will stop being racist. Anyway. Uh, okay, let's go to break and come back with more and we're gonna read it up. All right, we're back. Ian Is now is no longer with us. And did he die from your mouth? Um? No? Uh? God love him? What? What an insane person? And he's the best kind option. It's so kind, so fun to be around. Just a hoot. Um has so much anxiety that you were not allowed to have any So it's like it was so he was such a bundle of nerves that it was like it calmed me down, which is a good maybe a good device. Just you know, it's interesting to hear you are so nurturing and like it's okay calming his restless leg and oh yeah, because he kept his leg was jumping and the whole row would shake and it's really annoying. Like have you ever been in a seat that's attached to someone who's shaking their leg? Like yes, remember the guy on the plane that I was too scared to talk to him because he was drinking all those whiskeys in a row and then he was adeptivty Yeah, that's too scary. That was I. I advised you not to do anything, but I just was gently like putting my hand on Ean's leg and he go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and I'm like no, no, no, no, no, it's okay. I'm just letting you be aware of it, like because it would start up right again, like he was a dog falling off other people's plates. Yeah, he's just trying to loosen up some prawns. Um So, any any news from your world this weekend? Anya? Um? Any highlights? Any highlights? Mad is back. He was at south By Southwest with his band, The Natural Lines. So the end of my time alone happened. It's over. Oh yeah, you were alone for like five days alone. Yeah. But he's home and it's nice to have him back, and you know, just seems Yeah, it's great to have him. It's great to be reunited. I don't have a boyfriend right now. It's um. People keep going like house Chris and I go, we eve an arrangement now when he is on these jobs, I tell him, you don't need to worry about me at all. If you want to text me and reach out, you can, But like, I don't even want to reach out to you, because I know so many people are like I know, his texts are just flooded, and he's not getting back to anyone because he's so in the tunnel of work that I don't even want to add to it by being like, good night, babe. So it's just like he's on the show alone, like he's he's out in the wilderness. I don't even weird. We're not to like I. You know, it's like that Taylor Stift song. It's like when they asked me if I have a boyfriend, I can still say I don't remember. People were like, how's your boyfriend. I'm like, I, oh, I have one. I don't remember. Like I had a little break. It's not like I was like doing anything during that time. I was like not a single lady, but I didn't have to worry about a relationship whatsoever. And he also because in the past we've gone through these times and it's like he has to steal away and put in more effort. I just like to give him, and he the same for me, like he always gives me the benefit when I'm going through like a special taping or like a really hard week of work that I don't have to be girlfriend. I don't need to be like checking in on him like anything that will like cloud this myopic line of tunnel vision towards the end of this show that you're doing you don't need in your life. So it was really nice to give him that and to both understand each other and be like because he did the breeding and the Beast live in November, and I was a little bit like, you weren't around owned a lot murmurmur, and so this time I was like, I promise, I'm not going to pull that shit. There's no way I'm even if I do, I'm not going to let you know like you I don't have a right too because I'm giving you the license to like. You don't have to. We're not this. I'm dating someone who cannot give me anything during those weeks. And if even if you wanted to, I wouldn't want you to because I want you to get rusted. I don't need you to call me. I'd rather you be sleeping during those times. Take care of yourself. So yeah, at last week, because I was proud of myself because this is the first relationship I've ever been in where it's secure and the guy is like communicating with me plenty, and I'm you know, I don't have the need to feel anxious or jealous or anything. I'm just like, I'm good, I'm happy alone. He's texting me throughout the day. We're connected. It's nice, you know, not a lot, just like how how are you? But then the last day, something weird happened because my last big relationship, which was as we all know, decades ago, that person would go on tour and then I would find out later all these horrible things happened like years later, years later, or even something like one time. I remember I flew to New Zealand and then he came off the tour bus and I saw him like walking with all the very beginning of your dating right like barely made it official. Maybe you hadn't made it official, but you thought it was. I think we had been dating six weeks and I had just maybe moved in with him, very it was very rash, it's real, but I hadn't talked to him in a while. Anyway, I fly all the way to New Zealand from San Diego, was like nineteen hours all in, and he's getting off the bus and I see him, and he's all disheveled and then like he sits down and and I like my gut went off like red alert, and I was like, you didn't, like nothing bad happened. Did it last night or something? And he was like, I mean, I'm a guy. I'm gonna kiss other girls. And I remember like, fuck, this is not the relationship I thought it was. This is not this is a bad scene. You have to get out of this. And I was so exhausted after that nineteen now word traveled. I just remember thinking like, this is the moment where you set the scene for what you will. Yes, yes, And I just remember being like, you're a guy. You're a guy, You're gonna kiss other girls. So you kissed other girls? And he was like, I mean, yeah, I'm a guy. I don't want to talk about it. I'm tired. And I just remember like I stayed because I thought I was looking at my suitcase and like I should just get on the plane and fly home. This is bullshit, and I'm like I'm just too tired. And it was like a fancy tour. It was like a four seasons hotel, speaking of four seasons, and I just stayed for six years. How many times in relationships have there's been that moment where whether it's like they cheat on you or they just say something really shitty or like, and you have that chance of like, I could get out now and say I don't tolerate this, but I'm sorry. There's something about when you tolerate it that you kind of give them the green light to like, yeah, treat me like shit, and then they don't respect you because they just gave you a little test and you failed it by being weak and like, but all that's why. There's like this girl and our group of friends, a friend of a friend of a friend, and she is like dating a new guy and it's getting to the point where they might sleep together and there's nothing official on the table, and she's like, didn't sleep with them yet. They've only hooked up one time. They did hanky panky, but nothing suit like, no sex, and she's like, I'll probably sleep with them next time. And I don't even know this girl, And I'm telling my friend tell her not to fuck him, please God, for the love of God, she really likes him, she feels like she could be falling in love with him. For the love of God. Fight every instinct you have, and do not sleep with him. Don't convince yourself that, no, this one's gonna be different. He's not going to respect you more after you sleep with him and you have not talked about being exclusive. He's gonna think you do this. He's gonna subconsciously think you do this with every guy, that you're kind of easy, and he's gonna value you less. And I know that they come off like an encouragement to play a game. It is not not to speak for you, Nikki, but this is not like don't fuck him in order to get x Y, play Monopoly or sorry, or just anything to keep him from your dick in his dick inside you, because after the dicks inside you, the game is up. Man. It's more like, listen to your true gut feeling. Is it that you're dying to have sex with him so much and you can't wait, or is it that you're terrified that you'll lose him if you don't have sex with him? Right, I'll tell you. For me, it was always the terrified I'll lose him, he'll lose interest, And I'd convince myself, no, no, no, I'm just really horny. No no, no, I wasn't really horny. I mean, of course it was exciting and I was horny, but yes, it was also just like I want him to be my boyfriend. And if like your joke or you're like, we women think if we give you things, you'll like us, so we like this same give you stuff like, oh he wants this, he'll be mad at me if I don't get it, and then he won't like me anymore. And it is. It's that works for almost everything except actually, don't give him gifts. That's another rule in that book. Not a rule, but like, don't give them gifts. They don't they want to win you over. And but we're so used to being people pleasers that we cannot put that aside in relationships, and we think that we can. Like remember when you were like going to buy that guy a rug that you didn't that didn't like like he was not, and you were like, oh my god, I wish I had that cool, but you know what, I bought myself one from the same store. It's right here and it's good, but you could have two. I know. It was bigger than this, And there was a part of you that was like, he's gonna feel nurtured, like did you make him cookies at one point too or was that a different guy? A lot? Let let me stress, not gift from so long ago, like three years. Yeah, and Madden, you are not together because of any of this. There's no you never gave Matt a gift, and when you did, you guys were not together because you tried some of this with Matt and it did not work, and you guys were not together. Actively nothing worked with my current relationship until I finally started to truly love and respect myself. And sounds like a cliche, but yeah, to be like, no, I what I really want, if I'm honest, is a relationship. Yeah, that's what I really of course I want to have sex with them, and all that stuff like what I really want gets in their heads is they're like, but I want sex. I love sex, and I deserve it. I'm not going to deprive myself. And it's like, you don't know what you're doing. You can lie to yourself all day about how sex feels good, go fucking masturbate. Then you want to have sex because you think they're gonna like you more after it, and also you do want to have it too, But just because you want something does not mean and I've said this in my special before, people like predicate their whole lives and their whole personalities. I like because I want it. It's like I want, I want why I'm not gonna I want to have some of them because I want to because it feels good. I can't be vegan because I like Jeee and I like me. It's like, well, I would also like to murder someone sometimes. There are times where I would like to drive up on the sidewalk and run over someone, just to see how it feels on my car, hitting the car and like going It would literally soothe me to sometimes and in public slap a child that's crying or just go shut the fuck up, you're a bad parent. I would love to do it, but I don't because it doesn't work for my life. So these things that always feel good to us, why do we get to do whatever we want and when it suits us? There's always an excuse of like, but I want to because you know what, that's the fucking paradox of being a person. And we talked about this before, of like you're supposed to like nurture yourself and be good to yourself and relax and self care. But then there's also that like you gotta never quit in the middle, drive till the end, work hard, passion, like struggle. There's like we get mixed messaging all the fucking time, so I don't even know what you should do. I'm full mixed messages myself, but I will convince ourselves that, like, if we have sex with them, then they'll be my boyfriend. And it's so unfortunately it never happens. There's always one girl where we slept together on the first night. Well, that's because your boyfriend likes women who do that. You he has a mom that was kind of like ballsy and crazy and kooky, and that work. Like it's rare that that happens. It's like one person out of every audience that I go, have you ever slept with a guy in the first night, Like there's always one girl that's like I slept with my husband on the first night. It's like, okay, So yes, there are anomalies, but by and large, if you're single now and you've been sleeping with guys on the first date or second date or third date or before you have a relationship and you're single, it has not worked for you yet. It hasn't worked for you yet, it hasn't led to a lasting relationship. That because I'm thinking you won a lasting relationship. So look at the data that you have and it's a it's hard, it's a hard swallow that say that. Okay, final thought, let's do a quick a couple quick Reddit dumps karaoke mode. This is your Reddit dump. Okay, so this is to me. I r L for me, I r L to me in real life. For me, in real life, it says dudes will make zero moves on their crush and then proceed to post this and then it's like this moody post of like this like anime character smoking a cigarette and it just says, maybe I'm meant to be lonely. It's like maybe laugh so hard because we've all done things like this. This isn't just a dude thing. But like you, I would always get so upset that guys didn't like me or like wouldn't make a move. I mean I would get mad at guys that wouldn't make a move but they had I was giving them no indication that it would be okay to make a move. But also, you can't get upset when you get rejected, when you have not taken, when you haven't put yourself out there, when you haven't accepted the invite to the Mark Twain Prize Award. You can't aunt like you can't live in the wreckage of a thing you didn't even do yet, like you gotta take chances. Would you ever do, Adam Sandler? I would? I would. I was always making the first move always, which is a bad which is not a good noise to women for women to do women, you're supposed to make a prolonged eye contact, touched them a lot, like give indicators of interest, which I would never do. But there are things women can do to get men to make a move. But men, you got you gotta just go like can I kiss you right now? Just ask that? And I know that's awkward, and um. Adam Sandler actually there was an old clip from his stand up early days last night and he was like, just ask her. He got advice from his dad. He's like, just to ask her out. What's the worst. The worst she can say is no, And she was like, get away from you, ugly freak, And he goes, hey, you just you didn't follow the rules, or he says something about like the worst she could do is not no, it could be like very hurtful, and that's the thing everyone's scared of. Okay, this is from me I R l Um. It's a tweet from Culture Cultural Savage. Um. I just saw someone saying you didn't make good choices, you had good choices, and I am completely floored. I mean, what a great way to talk about privilege. You didn't make good choices. You had good choices, which is like how I feel about everyone that has anything in the world that you want. It's not because they were better than you and made better choices in life. They had better choices. You were born with shittier parents than them. You were born in a shittier town than them. You were born in a socioeconomic era or time that didn't afford you to have the same opportunities. Don't compare yourself to others because it generally is just about the fucking pussy you came out of and the circumstances. Nothing You yourself are flawed and are doing wrong. I have a friend I need to send that to. Okay, this is a word of the day. This is a tweet from Susie Underscore Dent. Word of the day is latibulate lat ibu l at seventeenth century to hide in a corner in an attempt to escape reality. And then someone said, okay, well we're bringing that back obviously, the hide in the corner and attempt to escape reality. I mean, I've never done that before, but um, I think I kind of wanted to do it last night at times. Um. And then this is if you're doing it under the covers. I do that every day. Yeah, you do under the covers a lot. Um. What is that? My arms get cold and I just don't want them cold. But sometimes I just brought my phone up on a pillow and then I put them under the covers and then my head is out. I don't like my head to get hot. Yeah, I have to air it out a lot. But I like to be in my clothes. And then I get on top of the bed. But then there's another cover that's very light. Oh you don't go in the bed itself because it's a cave. Okay, all right, it feels so soothing. Try it. I'm not going to. But um, because I just get up straight up in bed, I'll get in like why I don't. I don't need to not get in bed, But why do you not get in bed because you don't want to mess up your covers? I do it both, like when I'm when it's nighttime and I'm ready to sleep, I do it. But it gets until he's earned it, until you made a work for it, until you have a lasting relationship based on honestine truth with your bed. Okay, today I learned. This is today I learned. Cute aggression, or the urge to squeeze cute animals or babies, is the brain's coping mechanism to temper the onslaught of positive feelings. Because if you find yourself incapacitated by how cute a baby is, so much so that you simply can't take care of it, that baby is going to starve. So if you we have that, we want to eat babies because it means that we want to get close to them, and that urge is better than something so cute. We don't want to touch it and mess it up. We have more of an urge to squeeze it. So because if something was too cute, we'd be like, oh, I'm just gonna I'm gonna ruin it and mess it up, and like, I don't want to mess up this perfectly pristine baby. So evolutionarily we want to like hold things and smother it so that they get more hands on. Well, this ruin of something you post on Instagram a little while back, and I related to it so much because I feel this way about my cat Buzzy. And a couple of months ago, or like like six months ago or so, you posted a video of Luigi on the balcony and you're like, he's so fucking cute. I just want to murder him. Yes, And I just squeeze my cat to death because I love him so much. I know. Is it that's a biological urge? It's good, yes, because it makes us want to get close to them, as opposed to like, if you love something so much, you don't want to touch it because you don't want to mess it up. Okay, but do you ever want to squeeze your dog's paws because they're just so like sometimes I have to. I was doing it with a puppy the other day. I was like, oh yeah. Then I was like, calm down, Like this is a little to do much. I did it with Forest the other day. My nephew and was just like, oh, and I I could just feel it. It was like getting a little too tight. But I was like, I just gotta squeeze some baby juice out of you, Like I just want to make a glass and chug it. Oh God. So that was interesting that I think that there's a reason we do that, and it's just so that we won't leave babies alone and they get so much love and attention. And let me just say, if you are a parent out there, the number one advice I have if your baby, if you want your baby to be successful, shower them with confidence. Make them feel that no matter who they are, they can do whatever. Don't have any doubt in them ever, even if it's delusional, even if you know that they're not the best at something, Convince them they're the best at everything, and you will make a millionaire baby who will take care of you. And all the lack of self esteem that you have from your parents who did not counterintuitive to like the last generation, which everyone's raising kids that are now like you know, twelve thirteen fourteen, with the new values of like I'm not going to tell them they're so special all the time because that's bullshit. I'm going to just be realistic, like, that's great, you did a great job. So you're saying through the opposite, Oh, absolutely make your kid feel they have the potential to do anything that. Oh well, if if you're not good at that, it's just because you didn't practice enough. That is that's the secret. It's like instill in them the work ethic. But let them know that that is there, because that is actually true. You are capable of anything if you put in enough hours to it. And that is what I think I lacked in my life, was like you either have it or you don't. And the thing is anything could be gleaned from enough practice. And if kids are understand that and are instilled with that belief in themselves, they are unstoppable. And all of my friends who are the biggest megastars that you know, the biggest names, someone told them that they were the best and they believed it from the get go. And I sometimes have glimmers of it, but it's something I've had to teach myself as opposed to it was like just in me, I got it a little bit. But do your kids a favor and just believe in them. No matter what. And I'll never be a parent, so I can't do that with any kids, but like, if I can teach you how to parent, not that you would ever take my advice, but that is the number one thing that I would do if I were a parent. It's just make my child feel like they can do anything, and that the prettiest, and I would say prettiest Honestly, I know we're not supposed to comment on looks, strongest, prettiest, most beautiful, all of the things lie lie, lie, lie, and they will be Adam Sandlers levels of fame. No, And they're generous because but be loving to them. Teach them to love their family and love others, because that was the other thing I learned from Adam Sandler is that he loves his family and friends so much. He's put them in everything he does. He's his whole. He employs everyone he's ever worked with. And there were people there last night that I met that Adam knew in college, that they just were like friends in the dorm and like they're still friends, and he's like, Adam has still stayed in my life. He was like I never I went to all his comedy shows, but like I didn't go the comedy route, but he brought a lot of comedy people with them. But it's just it's just cool that Adam has kept it so in the family, and it's just it was all a really beautiful night about family and friends and speaking of so glad to have my two friends and doing this podcast today Antie and Finances too. He's you guys looked so happy and say on the Red carpet, I love those phos. That is always fun. That's like the happiest I've ever seen you on the Red carpet. It was. It was a little bit of a lie, but you know, you play it up. You're on the Red carpet. You're like, no, we're all crack it up. We had a great time. He was twirling that cane round and I was so happy for him because these getty images are so expensive, like these are not easy to get to get on the Red Carpet is not easy, and so when I got him on it, I mean even me getting on it was a struggle. Chris had to pull a lot of strings and then um, and it was just so great to get him on it. So now he has all these like glamorous pictures of himself and he looked fucking great And I'm so happy and that you gave him that pep talk. I mean that that's a very important time. I told him. Took up on it again, I said, because of what you're saying when you aren't as successful as you want to be. And I hear you bitching about it outside the cellar, sucking down to Marlborough red and talking about who got what you I will never listen to you say that again, because you were turning down this opportunity that could make you more successful. And um, and that's what you got to say, Like you can turn down these chances to be better and to get better, but you better not complain about it, because you made your own bed. But that's why you're a good friend. Is a lot of people with recourage to say that, though, why what do you mean? Because I think most people aren't brave enough to say that, I really do. I think that's what makes you a good friend. My friends. Good friends is because they can tolerate hearing the cold, hard truth and not think that it means I'm mad at them, Like what's going to happen? Like is he going to be mad? At me if I say that, what's bad about what I said? Like, what are you scared? Why wouldn't you say that to a friend? I'm sorry to get it. I don't necessarily feel that way, like I might be like if I got that text from him, I'd be like, oh, that's such a bummer. But okay, oh yeah, I was like, this is bullshit because he deserves to be there. I invited him and he's not going because he's scared. Stop doing things because you're scared. That is the number one thing. And if I could give any advice for people who didn't get a lot of encouragement thinking they were the best in the world. When you are scared of something, say yes to it. That that is the surest side that you should do it, and just suck it up. Because no one's ever died of embarrassment. No one's ever died from a feeling literally ever, it's never happened. A feeling of embarrassment or anxiety has never killed anyone. I know you're gonna be like a heart attack, You're not gonna have a fucking heart attack. Just say yes to things that scare you. I do it all the time, including telling a story when I mixed up an Indian guy and a black guy and I'm gonna be okay. You might cancel me, but I home studio, I'm you're in Saint Louis. I'm gonna be fine, and I have my friends and family and that's what makes me rich in life. Thank you guys for listening to show dont Bika and Justice all the shriv