#32 So Indire

Published May 14, 2021, 1:00 AM

Between you and Nikki her effort to get spray tanned for The Tonight Show and Movie & TV Awards Unscripted could be the plot of an action movie. Andrew welcomes new listeners with a tip about the head and the hand and Nikki welcomes them with an intimate story that makes her think of Christmas. You literally Heard it Here First - Andrew recalls a repressed memory from childhood and discusses it for the first time, they sort through hilarious listener mail and Nikki gives the behinds the scenes of her wardrobe malfunction in front of Jimmy Fallon!

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The Nikky Tears, Nikki, thank you. No uh uh do you ever get nervous? Noah when you do that that your voice is gonna be like like like actually, I'm kind of hoping for it so that it sounds different. I just feel like I sound the same at the time. Shocked how you always sound the same, Because for me, when I first talked on this thing, it's sometimes is like the first time I'm talking this morning. I mean, we just had a little chat before we began recording. But sometimes I'm just like like I sound like I'm just waking. Like yesterday, I took a nap before um so I did the podcast yesterday and then I like I was gonna I don't know what I was gonna do in between, like relax or work on the my script for the MTV Movie and TV Awards unscripted ironically enough, the script. And then I got up in my room and I was I had a headache yesterday, and I was like, I think I need a nap. I there's this thing that I do sometimes when I'm really tired and get to work, and I like get done when I have to do early in the morning, and then I go back to sleep for an hour and it makes all the difference. I wish I could do it today, but I have to go get my nails done, um, because that's a thing that women have to do. Men can do it too. When you start, it's like, I'm just I'm not. I'm not in that same mindset that I used to be in, a like resenting everything women have to do to get ready versus men. But I'm gonna get there by the end of the show. I'll tell you that because it's a lot. My spray tan isn't dark enough. I had to text. I had to my life is still warrid me. Spray tan isn't dark enough. But it's like, Noah, you would not even understand what I did yesterday to go to get a fucking spray dan, so talk about it. I went, well, okay, So yesterday we woke up from my nap and I walked down into my fitting because I told my assistant, who's living here with me, like, just let the fitting girls set up and then you call me when you need me to be downstairs. You have the best grandma ever. Mug. What the fuck? Noah know what what that was going on in that house? Noah is sipping from a best Grandma Ever mug and yesterday you were sipping from a best Grandpa Ever mug? Is this? I know, I know you're living in a place that isn't your own, but what is these kitchy cops? And why did you hold it literally like you were posing for a picture with It's like perfectly the label, It's like right out front? Um, why do you have so many clean cop Wait? The only clean mugs are the ones with the best Grandma and best Grandpa? Are those the ones that are this? The people that live there? Grandma, they're Grandma's and Grandpa's the owners of the house. Yeah, there, and they don't want to celebrate in their own lives and take their bugs with them. How will they know? I guess they left them for us. That's Um. Have you ever bought one of those things like the best something ever? Well? I bought one from my sister in law, but I just always feel like it's a waste of space. Yeah, And are they the best ever? Because probably not? I mean, like, if I'm really doing best ever, it's like Obama's mom, you know, like I'm gonna pick you know, I know, air strikes or whatever. I don't. I don't know. People always like he's not perfect whatever, but like I'm gonna pick, I always pick someone and I go their parents are probably the best parents ever. Someone who's like a very good person, Like who's the best person you think in the world, Like who just only ones good? And like it was Buddha person. Um, yes, I believe he was, but I think I also don't. I think he was like Jesus, like some people think he was legit. I actually don't know anything me neither. Um. I love that we don't know if Buddha was real. I think Buddha was real. Let's go back to your day. Let's go to Wikipedia and find out bud was real. Um. Yeah, there's just like when people go like, it's the best vegan restaurant in town, I go, well, have you been to every vegan restaurant because this whole best thing. You could say it's the best one I've tried, but this best in the world. You don't know all the moms in the world. Stop lying to your mom. You know that Francis McDormand is a better mom than your mom, or like, um, I'm just trying to think of who's a good mom. I really can't conjure any because I really suspect that everyone's kind of has their their bad days, their moments, their moments. But then put then on a coffee bug, everyone has their moments. Um my day. So I would downstay years after my nap to my fitting and I was like, hi, guys, and they were like, are you okay? They like thought I was very ill because of how I sounded after my nap, um is my point of that whole story. And I just thought I was gonna sound like sleepy and baby like. Coming down the stairs to see my friends, who are my stylas, I was like hi, got hi guys, and they're like are you Are you okay? It is weird that people can tell when you've just woken up, Like when you answer the phone. Do you ever answer the phone and you're lying down and you're totally wide awake, but you're like just trying to lounge and people are like are you okay? And You're like, God, why does it? How does a voice sound like I'm lounging? Um? That's what always boggles me about when you see artists like singing when they're sitting in a recording studio. I'm like, don't you think it'd be best for your voice to like stand? But I don't know what I'm talking about anyway. Yesterday for my Spurry Tan, I had to go not to a bad part of Hollywood at all spirit It was at seven o'clock. Took an uber over there. Uh, actually gotta push it's gonna be on stage at thirty had it all timed out. I get there and the uber driver cannot pull up to the front of the place. Uh, well, I had to go to the back of the place because she's doing she's opening her shop like for me at night, and we can't go to it because the streets are blocked off because there's police that like, police have blocked off the streets, and there's helicopters overhead. God only knows what the hell is going down, right, And then finally we like he finds a way to go around it and drop it off at the gas station that's right next door to her store. And I run across the parking lot with like active helicopter spotlights looking for a criminal, no idea what this could be, and she like calls me into her her back. She opens like this back door. She said, come in, come in, come in, and I run in. I'm getting my spirit haan. We still hear police activity. We hear copters out like and like you know, like like cops noises. She checks the citizen app there's an active shooter somewhere, um in an apartment building. And I go, should we hide or something? I go, where is it like far away? And she's like, no, next door. She was like I think it's next door. And I'm like, I do we hide? And she was like, I mean it says he's in the apartment building. And I'm like, well, then why are helicopters out if it's in an apartment you know, if it's like a quarantine situation. Um, And then I had and then I'm getting a springs and and I'm standing there like getting doused, and and We're in this back room that is like outside pretty much like it's it's like in this like area that's we don't have like actual shelter from. It's like in this back like kind of like I don't even know how to describe it, but it's not it's all screen doors and stuff. And I was like, oh my god, I might get shot by getting getting a sprays and then I laughed because I was like, she doing what she loved. I picture Andrew making some joke at my funeral. I mean, let's be honest, she died doing what she loved, getting a spray tan. But then I thought, you know what, he probably won't use that line. He'll be too sad to think of it. And I was like, I should text him that line before I die, so that he kills at my funeral. I really thought of that. I was like, I'm still trying to micromanage Andrew's uh delivery and uh joke execution while even though he doesn't need it, while before I die. So I got was free day and I woke up this morning. You let us You're supposed to let it marinate for eight hours. I usually get one at night. The next the day of a shoot. The next day, I got going the shower, wash it off. I woke at this morning. I don't look tann. I risked so much, and I tipped this woman so like I tipped her like five, like you know, four times what she asked because she showed up for work in a shooting situation and like opened her store. So I but now I'm like, now I compensate her for a job not well done because I go, I want it really dark. I go every time I a sprighten and go, I know you think that I'm not gonna want it to start because I'm so pale that you don't. It's gonna be such a difference. But I want. I want you to really go to town. And I kept asking her, like, is this gonna I just have to trust myself. Noah, I've done enough spray tans. I know what I want. But she's like, you don't want your face. You have makeup on, no face, And I'm like, I always get it over my face because you want less on your face because it does develop um like splotchy on your age spots. Do you ever get a spray tan? Girls, don't get that on your hands or your face where you have aged spots because those aged spots really pick up the tan, which doesn't matter because you end up putting makeup on. Anyway. My face is pale today because she wouldn't let me spray to in my face, and the rest of my body is pale, and now I have to I'm going to be painted tonight with Sally Hanson legs spray, which honestly, girls just use Sally handsOn leg spray. It's cheap, It washes off in the shower, it goes on like it looks like your legs are like Beyonce's legs in terms of like um sheer eartness and like just shiny, nous and beautifulness. Do you know that Bransa wears multiple pairs of tights if you want your if you want to look amazing in tights and you're like wearing a leotard maybe for some kind of costume. My makeup artist on the Cayman Island Show, Robin taught me get multiple pairs of like you know what are they go stockings, not like like tights, not like tights like black tights, but like you know, nude color tights whatever skin color. We get two or three and your legs and no cellulite. Your legs will look and then put um fish nets over those and people will think your legs are just that like that perfect. I didn't know that, but all the female wrestlers do. They all wear multiple tights two or three. Have you ever worn tights and not had the in steam like pulled down and then you have that like you never worn tights and so long since like seven and went to church for Easter, like what's seen? Oh like it it gets like baggy. Yeah yeah, I just to imagine with two of those. No, but if you pull them up all the way, it's not gonna go. I mean, like, I wear spanks sometimes and I feel like those are like tights just gotta god fucking spanks, um or speaks out. I just don't wear them anymore. I feel like people, maybe people are still wearing them. I feel like Whitney just posted a video of her putting on. She doesn't need him. She's always got some nude, hideous nude underwear, which I would never be as confident to show my underwear whenever. I'm shocked when girls like show their underwear because I'm like, I don't know what's cranking down there, like not that you know. I just there's there's discharge. Um okay, so sometimes and you don't know. I have so much to tell you today. We're gonna get into what happened on Jimmy fallon yesterday. I'm still recovering. We're gonna talk about the MTV movie and TV Awards Unscripted, which I'm hosting tonight, and um, a lot, a lot lot more. We're gonna get to some listener mail, and uh, and Andrew's coming down the stairs here in just a second. Let's get him in. Hey, Andrew, good morning. You can have some of my coffee. Thanks for Yeah, yeah, I have a I have a couple of coffee in front of me. And Andrew didn't really have time to go get some because we've got to get through the show. We gotta get to the show. And uh, he sipped mine. I go, you can have some mine, and he goes black coffee and I go, yeah, that's how I do. And he goes, You didn't know you get me coffee so often? But you know my rule. Try to I know what happened. We're out of almond milk. No, we're not at almond milk. What could it be? I don't like hot coffee. Uh that isn't Starbucks coffee. That could be I don't I need my milk. Frothth with my coffee. If I'm gonna get do it. No, it's not bougie. If it tastes better, it tastes better. Again. I like what I've never said in my life, froth you have, but FROTHT is. Yeah, it's kind of like FROTHT you know what there was like froth froth. There's sometimes there's froth and I'm not even gonna talking about it. We were just talking about discharge. It's so weird. I was trying to get off the subject of discharge. But here we are back to it. And sometimes, you know, I think more frothiness can happen. No, like when you're having sex. Sometimes it can become froth because froth needs to be like whipped, you know what I'm saying. Oh God, like a belt like brought out of No. But I don't think i'd like it. And all the porn I watched whenever there's like using those on girls, I'm just like, I want to skip this part. This isn't for me. Also, the tickling, I'm just like, oh God, let's get to just put something in her like I don't want, like, don't tickle her. There's a lot of tickling born. I hate tickling. I hate one girls they'll tickle your legs while they blow you, and it's like, what do you do? Who wants that? They'll tickle around your balls's because we read Cosmo. That's like to tease him and like with your your mouth and put your hands beyond your back. No, Cosmo is out of ideas. I've heard. I like hands. I like hands on. That's the thing I heard more than anything is hands, hands, hands, hands, hands. I actually that's what I like with a blowy. I like the head and the hand and that grip film the head in the hand. I don't know the squid in the whale. I don't even know what I'm talking about. It's frosty. Uh get frosty, frosty. Oh my god, I wonder if, oh god, I have so much disgusting stuff in my mind that I want to share. But I feel like this podcast just I just don't want it to be as discussed. I don't want we have a lot of new listeners after last night. I was on the Tonight Show. Okay, sometimes Okay, So what was I I was telling? I was actually telling a meal. Okay, So if I told a meal that I'm willing to tell anyone, um, and I think I've told you this before too, but like I have a I was telling him about like how I'm recently was like, so comfortable with someone I was dating that I was like, I couldn't believe like how quickly I was just like not scared of how gross I am quote unquote gross. I'm saying that lovingly. I don't hate myself for it anymore. But like sometimes after a mass, right, I tend to like wipe off, like to go, I go rinse the stuff in the in the sink like just cold water, right, yeah, you know, just get off anything that could have been left on. And sometimes I on my I don't mind doing it on my period, put down a towel and it's just you know, I don't care. They're not complaining. Yeah, I don't care. Um so sometimes but anyway, I always washed them off this period. But sometimes it's just like clear and you're just like I don't care, right, and you just like toss it back in the drawer or whatever you like, wipe it on the bedspread or like not the bedspread, like a towel nearby, maybe the bedspread, and sometimes only the bed fread if I'm not ready, but if the sheets are ready to go, you know, and I know that I'm gonna like either not sleep on that side of the bed or I'm gonna change them very soon. But it's also like my calm, like who cares. It's like clean and smells good. It's not like it's only if the sheets are ready to go, or I'm not sleeping on that side, or like, okay, it hasked me. It has to be a couple of things, it asked. It can't be fresh sheets. I would never do that, the fresh sheets, no matter what side of the bed it was on. But I do only stick to one side of my wad. You should go see my bed upstairs. There is a giant brown orange spot where I'm sleeping. And Kristen's coming tonight, my best friend from high school, and she's gonna sleep in my bed probably, And I know I kept her beside of the bed good. I didn't wipe off any dildos on it, but yes, I will wipe it off on that side if I'm ready to do sheets pretty soon. And also it's it's the same way I eat oatmeal out of the same bowl, and I've I haven't washed this bowl since we've been here five days. I keep using the same bowl I washed. I cleared out enough, but there's residue every time I put more obulan and it heats up the residue from before. I'm just like, I don't care. Maybe that's discussed. It is disgusting, but I'll admit to it, and any man who loves me you have to accept. But I just don't see the logic of cleaning a bowl that you're putting the same food in where dried oatmeal is not going to make me sick. I literally would never care, and I would probably scratch it like out and eat it anyway if I you know, it was great enough whatever so um. Sometimes though, you throw it back in the drawer, and you know, I have many of these things and they get frothy, but you know, you throw it back in the like you you just like you go, oh, there's not a lot on that or whatever. You throw it back in the thing, and then later on you go to get it out and there I can't be the only woman that has just happened to But it's like it will when it flakes off, know what, do you know what I'm talking about? Like if it's dries on plastic or silicon silicone or what silicon valley silicone or whatever those things are made out of it, like will. But when you move it, like you bring it out of drawer. Sometimes these things are like rubbery and they shake or like you like shake it a little bit. It's flakes off like snow, and I swear to God him like the drop with more like snow, like fake snow, and like maybe a window front window shop of like during Christmas time, like at a Lord and Taylor, like a window display, like tis the season, like yes, and it flakes off. It's almost beautiful, and I swear to God every time it happens. I hear jing Jing king. I love those j I n G. Do you know that song? It's single bell Yeah, I mean like it's the Fred Fred. Literally, I hear jingle bells every time I see a flake, the flakes of cob. It makes me laugh. Yeah, things makes me think of family and like warm memories and sand it's banging me. Um no, it's I do think that. But it always happens, and I always hear I go jingle bells because it's like king ding ding umny of times when like I'll come. Men come is a lot more usually than women come. And it's like a thick it's not frost. It's it's like a whip. No, mine's like a light. It's almost like I don't even want to clean this off. It's beautiful out of myself. But what I do is I'll put it in a napkin and I'll just I'll forget about these napkins that I throw behind my dresser, you know, so like, yeah, you know, maybe a year later, I have a nice your dresser, Where are you keeping them right now? In the room? You think? Come? Because I don't want you to get mad? Well in your bedroom in our place. The other day Luigi went in your room, so I had to go into your room to be like, did you what are you doing in there? And he had a com nap hey blon guys, girls, Oh my god. And then like I told you, when I was a kid, I would rubb to come. I was so lazy. I would just rubb to come on the carpet. And my carpet got so hard and we moved. My mom found this island that was worse than Epstein's island. Some would say it was so hard and rough it was ridiculous. I like burnt away the carpet. So many of my soldiers side that day. Did your mom talk to you about it. No, I don't even know what if she might have thought that I spilled a bunch of paint, like I don't know if they connect the dots, that her son is so lazy that he wiped literally comlodes on his mother's nice carpet. You just spilled like glue, or like, what does it look like? Like I just wiped it underneath the bed like you just thought it would disappear because it's clear enough, Like I've thought those things before, Like you ever wipe your snot, like on your sleeve, like when I was like, snot is almost the same thing. It comes out clear and then it drives and you're like, oh my god, that looks like now I realized it looked like Come as a kid. But before now, I wait, back when I was a kid, I was like, oh my god, something about Mary. Remember that? Remember that when Ben Stiller had the snot on his ear? That's probably what I thought it was. That's probably what I thought it was when I was a kid, because I always go, how did you watch that movie? Not knowing what come was? Because I definitely didn't in eighth grade and know what Come was. I didn't understand like it was the hair gel thing, So what did I think it was? I bet I thought it was not in that scene. I was more smart enough kid to know when I didn't understand something, it was a thing that I didn't know yet. I didn't go, um, what is the thing? I always knew it was like sexual thing that I was to not know about yet until I found out on my own because my parents wouldn't talk to me about sex. And so I learned it the hard way when a teacher was, you know, coming on my face, just kidding, do you think there's child she's out there? That are like, that's come? And they're like, how did he know? At six years old he was able to know where she Welcome to the script's National spelling beat, And it's like all these like genius kids. Just one kid can play the piano like incredible Mozart at three, and Timmy can jump forty feet at seven, and then this and Dave over here can tell you whatever comes and yeah, and Abigail she's only five, but she knows exactly what sixty nine means. When her parents make jokes about how did she know it's she's a genius, we don't even understand these things, um because of Uncle Rick. Actually that's who taught her. It's a really tragic story. Actually it's she's not a genius. But the business deal I did. I mean, we have to go to the news, but we can delay the news for a second because it's a special day. No. I was just, I was just this is such a funny story that I feel like I did real estate as Actually I don't know if I've ever been talking about so. So I worked in real estate for like five or six years. And this guy name I can't say his last name, but he was literally four ft eleven. When he would sit in my truck, his feet would go straight like they wouldn't bend. Would Yeah. I like this like he was like as close to a little person without being a little person. And he was great. How did d cars? I don't know. He probably had an extension on the yeah, to his feet. No, little people have like you know, like they have things that make the break and the gas come out. I just drove a really small Miata or something. Yeah, and uh so I'm pumping gas and and he points to my pants and I'm wearing I only have one pair of slacks that I wear every single time. I don't clean them ever. And he's like, what is that? And I was like what and he points to like my dick area and he goes, is that does that come? And I looked at it and go yeah, I think, oh, give it. I know that feeling of like not knowing anything else to say except the truth. Oh no, like you're like I just can't. We're almost like it's cool. Yeah, yeah, like he's almost used to. Yeah, like pee and your pants is cool. Wait again, why though, how often did you clean your pants back then? Back then were driving pants? Would wear dress pants? But I know when were you doing laundry when you were like back I would It was a while, it was, it was. It was bad. Andrew, I'm so glad you're not that person anymore. To Yeah, I am too, Like it's crazy. I love going. We need to do a segment where we just go back in time and like you just tell some of these stories of your life because it was I mean, getting to know you as a friend and hearing these, I mean they're just story upon story and I always check and like, go, what were you doing? And you you have the other day you were talking about out like you were a sexual for yeah, for a while, because you were like I don't mean to laugh, because you were like anxious and depressed. All you did try to do was like but you were trying to be cool and get laid though, right, No, No, I was like, did you want front? Like what were you trying to do in that time? Because isn't everything motivated by having sex? Had friends? But you're so motivated by women and like not women, Like you're not like a late like, but you're so motivated by looking hot and like being attractive to women now And I'm not judging you, I'm saying that for me as well. What what motivated you back then? And I could answer this myself because I was kind of the same way. But um, I think what motivated me is just being liked. It wasn't about having sex. I just wanted to be liked. I wanted to be the funniest person at the party. I wanted to be the funniest person at the bar. I wanted all my guy friends to be like, well, he was awesome, great guy. I was always the third wheel. I've always had girlfriends like, but like, you know, so I think it was just about being accepted. When it came down to being a sexual, I just didn't feel like girls wanted to fuck me, even though anytime I would get I would get laid, but it wouldn't registered at girls wanted to like me because I would get laid by people that like, you know, girls that were at parties that were just like you, guys like yeah, we're all drunk and the like they sleft around a lot, and so it didn't feel like special. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah, So I mean yeah, and I was also afraid of diseases while also thinking I had diseases. Yeah, how did you beat it? For people out there that might relate, I think you need to go to the therapists. Uh, analyze why are your actions actually happening? Like what's the root? Cause mine was you know, anxiety and depression, and you try to maybe either get on an antidepressant or just try to really talk about like why are you doing these things? And you've got to just change a lot of your behavior. I stopped drinking, I you know, got I started doing something I was passionate about, which helps a lot. Walking my dogs, walking your dogs, uh, you know, picking up your bags, you know, just doing things. It's I've seen durastic changes in you, Jurassic changes, but changes that have taken sixty five million years. Um No, it's uh, yeah, you're you're but you know we still it's it's nice to talk about these things because I feel like it's you had to really I feel I feel like dramatic change from like when I met you to now, and it's just like a few simple things that like, you know, you've got to be in the right headspace to like actually do, but they're not. If Andrew can go to therapy and maybe find an antidepressant, anyone can out there, any guy. So girls, don't give up hope on your boyfriends. But seriously, don't wait for them to do it, or don't make them do it. Tell them they have to go work on themselves or you're gonna leave them, and actually give them a date that you're gonna leave. Don't be like I'm thinking about leaving you until you work on yourself. And this goes for guys too. If you're living with someone or being with someone who's you're working on yourself and they're not, tell them. If you don't start the you don't have to do anything, but if you don't start, I'm out on November thirty, Like give them a date and then stick to it. And that's the only way to actually force someone's hand. You're not even forcing someone's hand, You're you're you're protecting yourself and maybe the you know, losing you might be enough to make them actually realize they need to change. But that's just my rot yourself with people like minded, people that want to get better. I think what happens is like I found myself hanging out with people that you know, we're maybe drug addicts, that we're probably worse off than even I was to make myself feel more comfortable with my corp are the some of your five closest people to you. I really when I heard that one time, it shook me. So think about the five closest people to you. And if there's some people in there that you're like, I don't. I would hate if someone thought I was like them. You might want to cut your mom out World's best mom not so much. Um, let's get to the news, and I promise we will talk about my uh foulon appearance, as I did say that I would talk about your final thought about your nipples yeah, I mean, maybe we'll get to maybe maybe it'll be a news headline. Who the funk knows. I don't even know what. Actually, I got my Google alert from my name this morning. There's a there's nothing, no talk. I mean, I do have a Google for my name, just so I can see what my dad is getting, because my dad always sends me whatever. Google Look, Niki, you might be performing at a casino in Ashbury Park in November of two thousand three. I'm just like, I know, Dad, well, can maybe my friend Rick from my old guitar days And since he calm out and I'm like, I will just have him buy a ticket. He did win the lottery, Okay, yeah, maybe he's rich and he should buy a ticket. And I don't want to get him in and I don't have to meet him backstage. Sorry, Rick, Rick's not a real person. I've been using the name Rick a lot to say. Look at that squirrel. Legit looking at me. That squirrel has been looking at me like it's into me. There's a squirrel on the railing and it's fucking like it's Is it looking at me or is it looking ahead? Because squirrel's eyes are on the side of their head and it's side. It's literally like facing perpendicularly away from me, but it's like looking at me for sure, it's looking at me. Oh, it's so cute. Do you think that squirrels cute? Do you know that squirrels are the chickens of America? If if you're in the Cayman Islands, you know what I meant you Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense, Like chickens are everywhere, but here they're squirrels and we're like squirrels or nothing. But when Robin from the Cayman Islands came to America, she was like, squirrels everywhere square alls. Because she's British, she was like, I love squirrels, and I'm like, who cares about squirrels? Uh, they're like, you know, they're not like a fat which is which theo Van said was the limousine of rats. You guys gotta listen to my appearance on theo Van's podcast this past weekend. People are loving it. Okay, let's get to the news very late. Sorry, no, h squirrels. First, we're gonna zip through this news segment. Let's get to the headlights. Let's go on the first of all, I hope you have a fantastic weekend out there. The weather is really warming up, and so is everyone's bodies, if you know what I mean. Okay, having fun out there and having all the swells. First story, Nick a team was impaled by a javelin in his right thigh at a New Jersey high school track and field javelin throw. The javelin was impalled several inches into his thigh. However, there was no visible bleeding and the victim was conscious and having conversation with first responders. I mean, what is this javelin toss? Do we do? You think we should still have javelin in two thousand twenty one. I don't care who cares about the javelin? I mean, who hears about You could say that about anything, honestly, but like it, I mean, I guess it's it's a it's a sport. I mean, it's an old sport that's been going on forever. So there must be a lot of history to it and a reason why we do it. Well, javelin who kill? Like that? Was javelin used to be? You know, you throw a spear right right, and so this guy was the thrower or he as a spectator. I guess he was just I believe he do. You know the spectator? How many inches into his leg did it go? Is that a good amount? I mean a javelin length. I mean, well, it's not really this the javelin velocity with which the javelin was being thrown. I mean, who's going to an a javelin event and getting close enough to where you're gonna get nailed? Well? I was running the other day past a driving range and there were golf balls being hit and I was off to the side. But I'm wondering, could I have gotten hit with a golf ball pretty easily if there were people, you know, driving golf balls as I ran alongside a driving range. There's lots of people, you know, like one of those things where everyone just like hits in a bunch, Like tons of people are lined up and they go on dates and they like wrap their arms around each other and be like, oh babe, this how you do it? Yeah, let me show you how to swing the cloth driving range? Wait? Is that what's called? Wait? When people go people get hit with golf balls and yeah, uh and die not like a head, but people get hit a lot. At four that's what they yelled at. Four four people died last year. Yeah, that's what happened. Yeah, I mean it happens every year. Four exact people die. But also people in baseball stadiums get drilled by ball. It's like like a person has died getting hit with such anxiety of that. When I was a kid, of like fatman on diving boards. The diving boards like snapping and the fat man hitting his head. But like also baseball games, I would have this irrational fear that a baseball was gonna I got hit with one one time and my dad yelled at me, Oh my god, this story. I'm not having a little league game. Wow, I think we're making a breakthrough. This is why you need to go to therapy. Things stories come out. What happened, And it was cold in Florida. But it was a cold day in Florida, and I had to jacket on, and I was walking and there was a foul ball and it just hit me right in my chest and I'm on the ground, like you ever get hit And it didn't hurt as bad, but you cry maybe for attention. I don't know. I was like on the floor because you're you're embarrassed because you're like, I gotta make this look worse than it was, because otherwise I just look like an idiot. So I get hit and now people will be worried about me, as opposed to laughing at me. Yes, and my dad comes up. He goes, it wouldn't have heard if you button up your jacket, Like I told him, that's not swear. I swear. Maybe this is like a weird I think that's not a bad point. I think your dad was right. I want to said the same thing that you, and I think i'm your dad. I was sitting by him. He goes, okay, yeah, you go over there, but hey, button up your jacket. And then like, that's cute that he wanted you to button up your jacket. Later, I get it, right, that's that's a got shot right to the solar flexus. I think he threw the ball. Oh my god. That's what parents. That's my biggest parent complaint and human complaint is when you do something and someone and that obviously you didn't want to get hit in the chest the ball right, and someone goes, why would you do that? What? My mom goes, Nikki, why would you spill water on your computer because I wanted to. Why would you have a glass of water next to your computer when you know that it can spill. I guess because you and dad had sex one time and made a fucking idiot. That's why that's your DNA put together a person whose brain did a dumb thing and ruined a computer. Why would you do that? Nicky? What you don't leave your person the back of ubers. You gotta check before you can have ubers ruin. Thank you. I hate if you're someone who says that to someone when they've made a mistake. Well, you've got to look before you leave next time, so you don't leave things behind. Oh, thank you. Like if that doesn't help, you're such an asshole. And I've been one of those people too, have like Andrew, come on, you gotta do this before like it's just like, just tell me rooster when that happens. And and I have a safe word for when we fight, and we didn't use it the other night. We should have roostered. I don't think we should have. I think it was good. We had to get through it. No, no, no, we should have roostered. Um No, we shouldn't have because we got through we usually have a safe word for if the fight's about to pop off and we know that it's going to get weird, and like we we know that neither of neither of us are ready to apologize or be in the right state of mind to see that we're wrong. You just go rooster and then you can, like it's like a safe word of like, let's let's shelve this and talk later. I think, like rooster, Okay, so next story, Yeah you can. And it was what girls, if you want to get like and I know that inters on my boyfriend, but if you want to really piss off whatever man you're living with it, which is probably your boyfriend or your husband, just go your soak and he will not know what it is and it will piss him off so much and you go, you're you're being really if he's being And most of the time men are being and it's like they won't acknownce it wrong, like that's kind of just be like you know what you're cut and it's so dismissive and it angers them so much, especially if they don't know what it means. Well, yeah, and then they're gonna go, what's that mean? And then you're gonna explain it. I might try to say in the MTV Movie and TV Awards. By the way, in my one of my mind, I said it yesterday. Does it work? I mean it works, yes, because calling out guys that do a certain thing, and I go, but like, I wonder if you could do it, I should do it. Okay, I'm gonna do it for best. Okay, I'm doing it for you guys. It's a fashion egg for you guys. I don't know if it will make the cut, but I will say all right. Ellen de Generous says toxic work plays controversy not the reason she's ending her show. Yeah, she's just Um, there's no she's not exciting, said, lower ratings not a reason. Of course, not everything in television is down. It's got nothing to do with why I'm leaving. If I was having fun, I would do this show with nobody watching. So it's got nothing nothing to do with that didn't. I don't not believe her to be honest, even though like we've pretty much know that, you know, based on the stories we've heard, Like, something's not as it seems with that woman, Like what she presents, Um, she's really a Brunette. I heard right, and I think she's straight. Uh no, she uh. I love Ellen thinks she's one of the funniest comedians ever. Terrified of her, for sure, I just like, I don't ever want to Why are we terrified of people like that because they have power? Because there's because they're just intimidating. And why do we let people be intimidating that you can beat she does? She has more power than and she might have. She might be walking away from the show or whatever, and people keep going, who's going to replace her? Why don't we just let shows go? Why does it's the Ellen show? It's done, start a new one. There's no replacement. And by the way, it should be me hudder should be Someone tweeted that today it should be Nikki Glazer and I go, oh my god, I didn't even think about that. Yeah, it should be I just I just read and they go nothing. Nothing. Ever, they might convince you with a little bit of money to stick around, and it might be a little bit more fun for you with the money you're getting. If it was killing in the ratings is a little bit harder. But the thing is money might not be an object to her. Anymore because she's so fucking rich. But yeah, I mean the toxic Worth Place thing was not a good look. And then especially when your whole thing is about like giving money to like being the best, like being the nicest. And then we went through this with like all the allegations that came up of like the irony that she's like be kind and and she dances and it seems so generous. But it's really funny how there are moments I can't I will just say that there's tons of Taylor Swift moments with Ellen that always pop up on my Explore feed. And I watched Taylor Swift clips constantly when I'm like going to bed and just board to call myself, because she just radiates confidence and like what I want to be in my life, even though she's younger than me, and most of the clips I'm watching her when she was like twenty two, you know, No, it's more recent stuff. She's just like so confident and like it like she's not like trying to be too skinny or trying to be a model, like she all these phases that we all go through as women. Taylor Swift just like I love watching her now the other day, I watched her Grammy performance, her latest one, because it is the epitome of confidence and vulnerability and I just loved it. Anyway, I made a meal and uh Andrew watched it in the car on the way to Theo's podcast because I was feeling really anxious and I was like, I just need to watch Taylor's Grammy performance, and it just soothed me so much and like gave me that energy. What I was gonna say is, sometimes Ellen clips pop up of her and Ellen so many over the years, and Ellen's always pranking her and or like asking her about boyfriends, and you can tell Taylor is like really uncomfortable, and like Ellen is like enjoying the awkwardness and like the dynamic yes, And it's just I don't I really get uncomfortable watching Ellen uh interviews sometimes ever since I saw the Dakota the Dakota Johnson one. You know that one, right, Dakota says, I did invite you to my birthday, and she's like like she kind of talks back to her. I wonder what happened. I watched it. I don't like awkwardness like that. That does not bring me joy. I want Ellen to be great, and if I ever meet her, I will like kiss her ass after I'm done. Just kidding, go to the back. I'm just kidding. If she just gets in the stand up, she could be as horrible as she wants. Dude, I would love to see Ellen just go out there and be because Ellen is Ellen is If you watch that one joke she does, which you actually wrote the same joke, and I told you that's an Ellen joke, but she was watching there. There's a couple of jokes that I think that I love the most is but the one where she's talking about seeing she was on a hike or something and she saw a deer in a field or something like this beautiful deer. She just walks you through this like I was just thinking about the world, and then I shot that thing. Like at the end, she murders this deer, and it's like that's Ellen, that she's telling you the truth in her stand up. There's another thing where she goes to the grocery store. She's like, you ever behind behind someone in line with the grocery store and they've got all these like weird things in their car and you're going, what one that person's life like like what are they gonna make? And then you you know, you follow out to the parking lot and you kind of go what kind of car did they drive? Like I wonder what this person? And then you they just start following their car and you go, I wonder what what neighborhood they live in? And then you go, oh my god, where does that? I wonder? And then you're watching them dress later on when you're hiding in their closet and you go, I wonder what you know? Night cream? She works? And so she it just gets really fucking dark. So Ellen, much like every comedian is a really fucking dark person who's probably been through a lot of trauma and um now has a lot of power and money and it's just turned into something else. But listen, I mean, she's not the only one, and she's she's one of my favorites. Every single time I go to the bathroom and the toilet paper starts to shred. You know, you go to a mall or something or a shitty like shitty toilet paper that is like one ply and it starts to like just turn into shreds and you get like one little piece that you're trying to make something of Ellen has a joke about that and I'll never forget it, and she goes, she goes, it turns into party streamers, and she goes, this is no time to celebrate. And I literally say, this is no time to celebrate. Every time I'm trying to get the it's I'm strutting off, I go, this is no time to celebrate, because you usually have like ship coming out of your ass to wipe up. And it's so funny to say it's some time to celebrate. Anyway, Let's get to our sports moment. Okay, let's do it. Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. We found and thrilled again. I love that we recorded live each time and here how do I think it sounds the same every time? It's crazy like Noah with intro Connor McGregor at the top of the highest paid athletes according to Forbes. Yeah, yeah, that doesn't surprise me. Yeah, but he's a UFC fighter. I mean you have seen God a hundred and eighty million is that for earnings from May one? Two? Two? First two? Okay, then we have can I just guess who all these people are? This will be fine. So this is the top ten Connor McGregor definitely, no ufc Irish, through a stool, through a window, want a bus, uh or something? And give me what I know about? What you know about Lionel Messi? Okay? Yeah, did I say Lionel right? Leonel or something? Okay, Lionel Messi definitely soccer player, right, and what's his deal? Um? I think he's probably in uh, South America, like Colombia, like like Honduras or something like that, from Argentina, Argentina, okay, messy and then um I uh and I oftentimes my mom will say, my room looks like him. Want to know something cool about Messi? What he has a messy room? No? No, goddamn joke. What I said? My mom sometimes says my room was like, yeah, so I think that Dylan's joked too, and then she murders me. It's like very small. He's like five eight, but he had a disease when he was a kid where he wasn't like growing or whatever, and he only was able to so soccer clubs like when you're like twelve, you could become like a professional or you getting like the developmental league. They gave him like a hormones and like shots that he never would have gotten. He never would have like he was like so small and he never would have matured into that without the money from the club. I don't know. And now, so they gave him the money to get the hormone shots. Yeah, so I don't know. I love the still. Yeah, he's like five eights, so it didn't work. He would have been even smaller. God wow, Okay, Christian Ronaldo, Cristiano Christiano Ronaldo. He is the guy that's workouts you were doing in the Cayman Islands in soccer. He's so hot. He also kind of got in some allegations of possible date rape, yeah, that we've all forgotten about for some reason. Dak Prescott is married to Kristen from the Good Place. What's her name? Hold on, let me guess. I'm guessing. He is a basketball player football quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys. Okay, I love his podcast The arm Chair Cowboy. And then, um, Lebron James. I'm gonna skip that one. No, Lebron James was in train wreck. Uh naymar any y, I mean name our? I mean, why does he have one name? And why would I not know who this is? I'm gonna guess name our um u I uh, I'm gonna guess racing or that's gonna then fighting fighting, kind of fighting soccer name from Brazil. He's awesome, okay, okay, So he's clacking at number six million dollars A here. These are the top earners, by the way, Roger Feditor Federer is number seven, and um he's Tennis um Lewis Hamilton's is a vegan uh race car driver and like what's it called in Europe where they yes, yes, And he's very very tiny and he's a vegan and he's very outspoken. Dogs he lived in that building. Okay, No, we don't know, okay, because I remember being like I'm so attracted to him and someone was like, he might not be into you, and I go, well, I'm a vegan and like maybe I have a chance and they're like, nicky, I just don't know that you understand what I'm saying, and I was like, I don't. Well, it's crazy. He's an African American that's a driver in F one. I mean it rarely happens. Uh. Tom Brady very familiar with him. I can't believe he's coming in at number nine. With seventy six million, that is not going to make him happy. And then Kevin Durant is obviously basketball correct, yes, and Kevin Durant kisses Tom Brady's kids, right, Yeah. If you haven't seen Tom Brady making out with his son in that clip, you need to google it. And I know you'll start out the clip and you'll go, that's not weird. Wait until he calls his son back and makes him kiss him again. That's the weird part. Um, my dad. Maybe because I'm on the lips until I was twenty four, so not judging but also judging, and he would have made this list. Yeah, for top eight million dollars in one year. You don't need to keep going. Well, that's that's what they say about him. Mo money. Like the thing is, I will say that like the more money you get, the more people you employ, So maybe you just it's just like there's no one needs as much. But he lost that fight you watched that fight with doesn't for you. Everyone says you make too much money. You freaking can't. You don't wake up and work hard when you wake up on silk sheets, that's what they say with come on one side. No, But that's what they say. They say if you if you make too much money, you're gonna lose your drive and you're not gonna be able to be a fighter. Like fighters come from you know, from like coal making, like a diamond or whatever. Diamond. Sometimes I worry that like if I, if I like fall in love and have all the things that I want to feel really loved and this world feel liked like the way that you that I'll stop wanting to be famous and stuff. But that's not true because my parents I still want to get them into like make sure they have nice nursing homes and care when they get old. And I'm driven by that, like I just want my family to be like Okay, so I think as long as they are not rich, I will still be motivated somewhere. I always say, I have it on my vision board. One day I want to drive a Bentley to my mom's nursing home. Yes, roll up there and take her for a spin. No, ye can't that little fucking You're gonna have a little I'll have a little huh, a little U haul for her in the back. That's so cute. Okay, we gotta got to listener mail It's time for our weekly listener mail dump. Uh. These are the voicemail memos, the Instagram d m s, the emails you sent to Nicki Glazer podcast, the Nikki Laser Podcast at gmail dot com. No Uh, let's play us a couple. Let's you want? We want to start with a voice momo from Catherine Hey, Nick, and Andrew and Noah love the pod so much, it's my new face. We just wanted to tell you a story that I got reminded of going back to Andrew's story of stretching his ball skin over his girlfriend's hand and Nikki you talking about how she likes to play with penises sometimes. Um, one time I was in the bath with my ex boyfriend and he was uncircumcised, uh, and the tip of his penis. I don't know if you guys know, Andrew obviously doesn't know, but the skin kind of comes together at the end, and I was kind of squeezing the skin like the opening of a balloon, and I blew into it gently. Not sure if it's bad or not, but it blew up like a blow. God's so fun fact you can blow uncircumcised penis is up like a Oh my God, did she like anyway? I just wanted to ask if, um, yeah, if Nick he has ever done that, or if anyone else do that. It's pretty weird. I have never Thanks for letting me share, Catherine. Oh my god, Katherine, why do you love her voice? I mean it is darling, but I didn't know what is it? Like? I just want to hear tell me every like and like it was and she's definitely Canadian. I heard a boot for sure. Yeah. Um, she's so sweet, Catherine. That's so funny and vulnerable. Thank you for sharing. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Like I've never been with an uncircumcised guy, but like pulling that skin up right, like the turtleneck up and then you kind of sinch it with your fingers and then you blow into it and you could create a big bubble around the head of his dick. What does that do for you? Like? Even hearing that this really, um, it makes me happy I'm Jewish and that they cut my skin off because I think it's so funny and no, I love that she was open with doing that, and and you know, now she's with a circumcised man. I'm probably because she hates balloons. But that that was the last draw, I think. I but that's how her voice got so high pitched, is that there was helium in that dick balloon that she blew. God, Helium's the best. I used to ask my mom on my birthdays, Like as a kid, I was like, can we just run a helium tank and get funked up? Like helium was like a kid's way of getting fucked up. Have you ever done whipids? No? But I mean like, I just wanted our voices to sound high. I thought it was so fun to have a whole party where all you do is get your voice to go high. It's so fun to feel like to talk like this like it's it's wild, when no, it's I would have had fun all day. Let's get to Jack's voicemail. This is a mispronunciation. Let's hear it Jack. Okay. So I'm listening to Santa Monica and I got a call about this. I used to work in a big corporate law firm in New York and it was very early on. It was my first time um presenting to the lawyers. I'm super junior and feeling very fish out of water, and I had to present something legal, and then they gave me a note on a segue I had to read out loud to the entire group that we were moving on to the next event. And in that segue there was a word that I had only ever heard out loud, but it had never seen written down. So I told a room full of my bosses, big wigs, people that I was trying to impress. I said, everyone, after this, we will proceed to the lunch eon. I heard this one. You told me about this one, and everyone just just stared at me. Yeah, I was pulled, pulled aside later like you know that, you know that's luncheon. Oh god, I didn't know the context of this luncheon. You had told me about luncheon because you listened to these voicemails all the time. So I had heard this like I had heard about luncheon. I thought I saw that coming right there, but the context of it being in front of all your bosses and you say luncheon and everyone just kind of shifts in their seats, awkward. And you know that at that luncheon, everyone in the buffet lion is talking about how you said luncheon because luncheon lunch at that I didn't know this. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't. I thought luncheon would spelled I n at the end, I really did. But we're gonna go luncheon. Yeah, we're gonna go to luncheon. Um, I had no idea. No one goes We're not we're going to go to luncheon. We're gonna go to a it's a luncheon. When you were when you were in um like church or whatever or like you like, people were going around in circle and you knew your sentence was coming up. Yeah, would you read your sentence to see if there were words? And of course yeah, you'd prepare. Oh yeah, but that's the worst thing teachers can do. If you want a kid to hear no information all day, make them do the thing where they have to uh tell different. Yeah. All my family keeps calling me. There's either an emergency, or I'm hosting the MTV Awards tonight and they're wishing me good luck, or they're calling me about fallon. I don't know, but I'm getting a lot of calls. Or there's or someone's dead. I guess we'll find out later. No, you know what I will say. Before I answered these calls in my world changes. Let's just live in a denial of what they could be calling me about for the time being. But when on one time what I was thinking about luncheon. Oh, there's a word that you mispronounced all the time, and I and I hear this prim mispronounced all the time. So let's say I was giving you guys both a um thing to fill out that has a bunch of like questions on it to like, you know, uh no, a questionnaire. There we go, say it again. Questionnaire. It is not questionnaire. It's a questionnaire. Questionnaire. I want to be very like, everyone sucks this up. It is not a questionnaire like a buccaneer or a pioneer. It's a questionnaire. N A I R E like it's air with an E at the end. It is not questionnaire. A questionnaire might be a like a nickname you call someone who's asking a question, but E E R at the end means it's like someone who's doing something up documents questionnaire. So let's all let's all fix that. But that's just one that I hear all the time. That's probably and question here does make kind of sense, And you're asking something you're using your ear. I do understand that, but that's stupid. Yeah, I should we do another um voicemail. This story is hilarious. Let's hear it. Uh, this is so embarrassing, but Andrew buddy. Okay, so this is from Adrian and this is regarding Andrew's pubes. Yeah yeah, can I read it? Yeah? Of course this Wait, I'm trying to talk like that girl waits to get car talk. Oh my, my brother in law's calling me about a car that ran over my dad. Okay, so someone did die. I'm just kidding. He goes, we need to talk about the car. That would be somebody if I'm like, oh good, thank god, nothing happened. He's like, that ran over your father earlier today. Like, um, okay, So Adrian says, this is so embarrassing, But Andrew bud wishing you all the wells. I can relate. My best friend went through puberty first, and he always bragged about his pubes. I started saying it was no biggie because I had them too. One day, with his deepening voice, he called my bluff. Now He's like, show me your pubs. Well that's not in but I'm paraphrasing. Now I did have pubes, but they were like peach fuzz So in an effort to fool my friend, I went to the bathroom and applied his mom's mascara on my whispy blonde pubs, hoping it would fool my best friend. Swear to God, we need to know, Adrian, did it fool your friend? To your friend know? And by the way, Adrian, your goddamn genius to figure this out when you're around puberty and your boy that doesn't really understand makeup, but maybe you did to have that foresight, you are probably I want to know what Adrian does for living, because that's a smart kid. I mean, that's a fact. A woman's product to look more like a man is awesome. It's really smart engineering. I bet Adrian's smart. That is. I'm really impressed with that. I don't even know that I would think of that. He probably as someone who causes I don't know what, you know, what else are you doing with makeup? He probably a makeup artist. He probably uses uh you know, it's probably like highlighter too. For Luke. This guy's a genius. Yeah, how do you not write like if he was fooled or not? I mean, you really left the cliffing. Yeah, he really did. But I get that so much trying to impress the first the kids that got the pubist man. My friend Laura has was the first one with pubs. We're all getting into the bath and we all were like, what the fund is that we weren't We didn't think it was cool. Girls are horrified by maturity or like puberty, and guys are like, thank god it's here. Yeah, oh my god, that's all we want in life. Because our nipples get hard, we start getting uh like calcified nipples. Well, that happens to us too. They call it budding. It was disgusting. My sister that we're talking about the motter day were like people girls with budding breasts. Person and I my best friend who's coming to visit it's gonna sleep on the com side of the bed tonight. Um she uh, she and I we were the funniest people, I think. I mean, I really do think we were the funniest kids ever. Because we coined a term in like six or seventh grade for girls that need to have bras but haven't gotten them yet, and like because a lot of girls like you're just like you're you're you're like little like budding nipple is stucking out. It's not even like a hot nipple. It's like a child's like puberty nipple. It's like so not good and not a good look. And we used to call it. We used to be like, she's so in dire and it meant in dire need of a bra. But we would just say in dire, and no one knew what it was. So we would call girls and dire all the time and be like, I'm so in dire right now, So what do you mean in dire? Like it's just one word, like shortened it. Yeah, And it's so like if if we would write it in a note, it would be I N D I R E like in dire um. And so if you ever see a girl that needs to wear bra, they're in dire, you could spread that as as well as could. And we also I wish and was on the top ten list, and you'd be like soccer basketball like like yeah, like that could easily be a cool ass name. Oh yeah, like oh yeah, and Dyer is also the name of a soccer player from Peru. We gotta get some final thought. Let's talk about your nipples. Huh you on Jimmy Fallon? Okay, so I did Jimmy Fallon yesterday via Zoom. I want to know your takeaway from such a big moment and then having something embarrassing. I'm sure you might have already talked about it, already didn't talk about yet. So what are you? What's your takeaway? And yeah, so I was set up to do that, Like from your perspective, I guess you could set us up. What what what happened? So Nikki is doing Fallon? We you know we worked on described met her in a meal. She really was like wanting to to nail it. We wrote this whole chunk on Dave Matthews. You know, she she's a very good She's always prepared Nikki, even if it's like down to the wire, she's still always prepared. She's a machine and and she's dressed beautifully. The light is up, everyone's you know. Yeah, Well, on Zoom, I usually wear just like a shirt when I do these shows. I don't get styled because I'm just like on Zoom, I don't need to wear a whole outfit. But right before Fallon, I had a fitting for the VM or the MTV Movie and TV Awards Unscripted. It's a very long title. Watching on Monday Night. Do not forget Monday Night, the seventeenth. I'm taping it tonight. Wish me luck. Send your swell from my way. Um, but I tried on a pink thing that didn't fit the right way in terms of length, but it looked amazing. The top half and my stylist were like, please wear this on fallon. I was like, oh my god, that's a great idea. You know. Usually I was just gonna wear like a Reformation top I have upstairs, and some like fucking bicycle shorts. But I'll wear this dress and I'll wear it with the boots. I'll have the whole outfit just so I feel good from head to toe. And this dress is very low cut. It's like a blazer. It looks like a dress slash blazer. It's a like a pink thing like a seventies rock star. Yeah, it looked awesome. It's sparkly pink blazer. You guys saw it on my Instagram, I think. And then I didn't wear a brawl with it because it was so low cut that it didn't need one. But it wasn't like I was showing creamage. I wasn't though, I mean, I mean, you're right, I wasn't dire. It ended up being in dire. Oh my god, we know what this episode is called. Um Oh my god. I was so in dire. That's crazy how that came back. So literally, my strap with brawl is laying on the ground because I thought maybe I'll need it, but then I was like, you know what, I don't need one because this looks like so sleek without it. It's not like I was pushing my boobs up. My My chest is like flat, like you could see my like my rib cage coming through, which as someone who really worries about their weight, when your rib cage pops through, it's like horizontal stripes and it makes you look so much fatter. That's my Like a joke I wrote one time was like antaractic girls, like, don't get too skinny because then your ribbed cage is like horizontal stripes and like makes you look fat. I'm getting my rib cage twisted to the side, so it's like elongating. Um So anyway, I'm I'm. I watched Chapelle. They I was the second guest after all, which they there was a big deal for them to be like is it okay if you're the second guest. I'm like, I don't care. I'm really I don't have an ego about that, especially when someone like Chappelle. If it was like, I don't know, who's the like the guy that does I'm just trying to think of if it was a that, you know, that nerdy chef who does like kitchen experiments, Oh, I would nieldrogristies and I would take a back seat. I would take a second chair to him. But let's say if it was like I don't know, uh, what's funny because Chapelle just got done, you know it was a guy theory, I'd be like, I deserve a second seat. Like I don't care it was Chappelle. Chappelle goes first. Usually, like the first guest has two segments. Chappelle had three. Not not a problem though, But it went really long too, because Jimmy and him were just telling stories and like they're dancing. It was really really and I think they cut No, I didn't. I didn't want it yet. Did they cut the part where I make fun of a podcast that Jimmy and Chappelle should have I don't remember hearing that. Okay, that was probably my funniest moment. And they had to cut it because his segment went long, and so they but at the end of Chapelle's segment, him and Jimmy they just kept going on and they kept telling stories about different parties. They were like, remember that party where Prince got you to come up on stage and he's like, wait, was that the one after the super Bowl or after like jay Z's like birthday, Like they couldn't figure out what parties all these things and so and they kept going in like and so I went. My segment came up. I go, I'm so excited for Chapelle's new podcast, and I really want you guys to collab on a podcast called Famous People, trying to remember what famous people they hung out at, what famous person's birthday party? And I was like, I was sitting here listening to that. I go, sitting here listening to the I was like, I loved I loved you guys just talking. I go, I'm sitting here with my whole team, and I go, I keep updating, and I go. Paul McCartney just walked into the party now now jay Z and Beyonce they walked in, so it was really a funny and and and I was so hoping they would include that because it was just a really fun moment with Jimmy. Really loved it, but they had to cut it because they had to cut those stories anyway. But before all that, Jimmy is bringing so I'm waiting sitting there in the chair and Jimmy. I thought it was hilarious. It would be funny because usually when I walk out on Jimmy found he goes Nikki Lazer and I walk out and I'm like kind of like hi, and I'm like do a thing where I'm like I always when I walk out of a curtain need to be like hello, Like it's just so weird to walk out of a curtain that I like to like play it up, you know. And I opened my arm. I swing open my arm like like I'm walking out because it's so stupid. I'm on Zoom. I'm gonna pretend I'm act actually, because he goes Niki Lazzer, I go hi everyone, and I hear you know, quest Love on the drums, and I swing open my arm and there's just one button and it unsnaps and my tip comes flying out of my dress. I haven't even I said hi, and then I go, oh my god, Oh my god, and Jimmy is like orror doesn't even know what has happened. I don't think, and I was like, oh my god, my dress and zipped and I'm holding it. I mean, you guys can watch it. I haven't watched it yet, so I don't know what they did with the footage, but it to be on the tonight show and they so to be on and I go, and I had to say immediately, you can keep this. Just let's keep going, because I knew that they probably were thinking, she wants to stop down, and I go, you know, this is to me, and like I didn't mean to do it, obviously. I love when stuff like that happens for me. I was more embarrassed that you guys thought I had like like that, you guys thought I was so stupid, like in front of my friend. I was weren't by embarrass in front of my friends than I was Fallon and his staff or whatever. I was embarrassed because Jimmy Fallon show is like very clean and like this is just like I'm Dancing with the Stars when they told me to be clean, and then Tom bergeron asked me to stand up, ever help you with dancing, and I said, well, Tom, I've had some really rough sets, and he thought I said sex, and then everyone goes oh, And I'm like, I was trying to be squeaky clean because ABC made me feel like such a horror coming in, like don't you ruin our network with your trash pussy jokes, and so I'm being tiptoeing and then everyone hears me say sex even though I said sets. So when Jimmy fallon, I am trying to be so tonight show. I like respect that show so much. I never want to make Jimmy uncomfortable sexually with any kind of like innuendo where I'm not trying to like push any boundaries on that show. Ever, I'm very appreciative even on and it come in and I throw a tit out right away, and I'm it's like the most ironic place to do that, That's what I'm saying. But how you handled it, it's it reminds me of this guy who said lunch luncheon instead of luncheon. There's two ways you can handle a situation like that, you could either go my kids out, Oh my god, Jimmy, I need like five minutes. This is so embarrassing. I can't believe I did this. I apologize, I'm trying, and then you like walk away and then can we do this over so I get a better headset. I can't. Please, don't show this to anybody. I will never or you do and you attack and you and you face it and then you put it on Instagram and then you use this negative So when you say luncheon, just go dude, I said, luncheon. Have you ever read this out loud? Like make up, like live it and like experience it. As we see a lot of people say luncheon. A lot of people like my fault that it came. It was like you should be wearing a bronze like well Braun would have been showing underneath the jacket I was wearing. So I couldn't for that look and I would never mean to do that. So that's that's, you know, I talked about it on the show a lot, But that's how I am able to traverse embarrassing moments in my life or times where I'm wrong or funk up is like, I didn't mean to do that, So what am I I'm not I might be embarrassed that it happened. I embarrassed for other people that like have to like deal with the fact that I showed my tit and like feel sorry for me or something. But I myself am very comfortable with that because that's essentially what I do on stage anyway. Like I've always admired strippers because they like put themselves out there and they like are vulnerable in that way, and it's like, Okay, something embarrassing just happened. Let's keep going with it, and like, because that's just me of experience and being okay with people. With the luncheon guy is that was probably the first time he was like speaking in front of a big room, and they don't you just don't know. You only learned that embarrassing moments can actually be the best moments by embarrassing yourself, which is you know, I was grateful it happened in the end because it was just such a fun story. But I would have never planned something like that. I don't, you know, And tonight I'm taking a lot of chances. I was thinking about like all the yesterday during rehearsals, I like came up with a lot of weird things to do at the MTV Movie and TV Awards unscripted that I'm like, is this even gonna be funny? It might like really flop. I don't care, because I know I'm funny, and like, all my intent is is to be as funny as possible. So if something flops, it's not because I didn't try, or it's not because I was trying to be unfunny or trying to be embarrassed embarrassing myself. It's because I'm I'm trying to do my best, so, like, I don't have anything to feel shamed of if something isn't funny. And here's the thing, if it doesn't destroy in the room, it can destroy with you know. And that's the beauty of taping a show that's not live is literally people don't know this, but if you come to any like special taping of Mind and I flip sunk up a line, I will not just like I will not just let it go and go, well that's the way it went. I'll go hold on, you guys, can you laugh the same way again? Because I'm gonna do that line again. Because it's taping and you don't people, Now, what about leaving that in? Like leaving in that you go back. I mean, if it's funny that the funk up is funnier than the joke itself, then I'll leave it. But if it's a funk up that I'm like, oh, I just stumbled over that word, I'll just do it again. Because everything is everything you see is edited. Talk about reality we're talking about reality TV. You know a lot for these MTV Movie and TV Awards unscripted where we celebrate all things reality on Monday night, Monday seven teenth at uh I think you know, tchechular, localist things, but it will be on Monday. It's gonna be so funny. But we talked about live TV or reality TV, and as someone who is very close to that world and and just has been in t V, you guys, do not trust any people you hate on reality TV. Don't trust that you know they're the worst person because you've seen what they do, like the way footage is manipulated. I've felt sure of myself that someone is a monster and I did not know anything, or I felt sure of myself that someone's a good person and I didn't know anything. The thing is, these reality shows will make someone who's a monster look good because that person is good TV and make some more money and they want to keep them around. And they'll make someone who looks bad a monster obviously because they need to villainize someone. So don't trust anything. Watch all these shows with a little bit of like, but you really don't know these people, because we're friends with some reality people that are being villainized this season um hashtag Hannah Burner on Summer House. And although she may look back at footage and be like I should have said that, she is nowhere near like how much people are angry at her that don't even know her. People I'm close to who watched the show and her like your friend Hannah's blah blah, and I go, you don't fucking know Hannah, shut the funk up. And then I watched and I was like, oh, man, Hannah actually needs and I'm just kidding. Hannah's Hannah's. Hannah is being portrayed really badly on Summer House. And we will talk about that at some point because the people have asked us to address the Hannah thing, and I haven't finished the season so I don't really know, and I think she was justified in murdering Lindsay at the end of the season. Look, Linda, yeah, we gotta go. Thank you for listening to the podcast. We gotta go. Uh, thank you so much for listening to a whole week of shows here in l A. We'll be here next week as well, and I can't wait to see you Monday. I'll miss you all weekend. Please tune into the MTB TV and Movie Awards Unscripted on Monday. Check out my tour. I'm going on tour Nikki Laser dot Com slash tour. Andrew will be there. Two tickets are available now. I can't wait to see you guys, And seriously, thank you for your voice memos and listening and being busties and posting about the show on Instagram and getting your friends into it. It means so much to me and I love, love, love you guys so much. Thank you for your support and your kindness and

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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