Nikki is playing dodgeball with the negative energies around her and sometimes not moving out of the way fast enough. She tells Anya and Noa about a run in she has with a cat. Nikki and Anya recap New Year's Eve in St. Louis performing to a sold out crowd at the Stifel Theater. Nikki is very unsettled after having a consultation with a fertility doctor and they all talk about egg shortage. In her Reddit Dump, Nikki shares a post on finding a hair in food, Twizzler shaped genitalia, a literary masterpiece and a funny video that unintentionally encapsulates what women feel when they are about to get their periods. In the Final Thought, Nikki hopes that her resolutions will bring some peace of mind.
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The Nicky Glazer Podcast, Nizer, here's Nikki. Hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's Nicki Glazer Podcast. Happy New Year to everyone listening, and to uh Noah and Anya, who are with me today. Hey guys, Happy New Year. I've already seen you Anya in the New Year. Noah, I didn't get to see you yet. And um, what did you do for New Year's Noah? Oh gosh. So we had a trip that ended up kind of being a dud. We went to great on Instagram. I know, well Instagram is everything. Yeah, it is god. You had some great like Golden Hour shots okay, of like burritos that I thought at we're not even vegan, like they're vegan. I'm like, oh, they were even better than I thought. Yes to Americo, We're coming for you. When Nicky glazers here on People America, she was on f Boy Island. Oh my god. Yeah, I forget the impression of her that Chrison did, but it was pretty good. To Mariska, It's like, yeah, that's pretty good. Um, okay, so you why was your little type of bus? So we were going to go to a place called Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, supposed to have like natural hot springs. It's named after like an old timey TV show. I thought I was going to be sounds like it was named after her eighties movie. Yeah yeah, so um it just and we went over Christmas and everything was closed. I have I feel bad for people who live in rural areas because there was nothing to do. It was just we were in the air b in the airbnb, just like we could have done this at home, just watching TV and eating. Yes, yes, where there's I was kind of thinking about like having nothing to do, like I feel that way sometimes to where I'm like there's nothing to do, but always your phone, you know, there's always something going on there. I was listening to The Courting Show this morning and um, Courtney was talking about how her power was out and the TV was out in the but do you have your phone? Nothing's ever really that bad now as that's true. Yeah, it was Truth and Consequences. Did they have good five g um? Yeah, because there was like no no civilization there, so nobody else was on the internet. Are you and av the kind of couples that can disappear into your phones and kind of be okay with that? Or do you have to like get out a board game or something like. Okay, So I was trying to do like a cleanse because the holidays for me, in all honesty, are not good. Why. It just it brings up a lot of like negative stuff, like you know, because of my family that's dysfunctional, and and also there's no work to distract you from it. I have no work to distract me exactly, like my my schedule is broken, and for an anxious person like not to have a schedule, it just I'm just in complete chaos. Yes, So I was trying to like not be on Instagram. I like fell into like a place where I started like looking through Instagram comparing myself. Yes, and also everyone's killing it on the holidays on Instagram, loving families, cute outfits like decor that you know, like Garland, hung yummy baked goods, just effort people are putting in that. You're like, oh God, what am I doing with my life? Yeah? A lot of that. So you tried to purge yourself of that. I tried to not look and then like with the whole trip going bad, I just kind of felt like a failure because I was the one who it wasn't my suggestion, but I was the one who booked it, but I didn't really do that much research. Yeah, but you're not going to check like the store hours of holiday hours of different places you wanted to go, Like you're talking about restaurants were closed. Stores were closed. Yeah, there was nothing nothing to do. But was the hot springs open? Where the hots We did end up going to one and it was really nice, but everyone was there, so it was like kind of gross to be done that too, Like, oh, I'm sharing a tiny hot spring with a huge family. It's a hot spring, just like a hot tub, like a natural hot tub. Yeah, like you're just sitting in rocks, Like what if it gets too hot yet? Isn't it weird that it never gets too hot for like how is it that human? I don't know, like when whenever nature is giving us something that like is I guess I'm saying is like why isn't it Why isn't it too hot or like too cold? You know, like how did we get lucky enough that hot springs are just the right temperature that it's like enjoyable for humans? Does that make any sense? Can someone get back to us about how many humans have boiled. Well, they definitely have in Yellowstone. There's like definitely ones where you can like die for sure. Mother nature isn't super conscious of us. I mean, I really do feel like since watching the show Alone, which ONNYA and Matt got me into, I guess I could survive longer than maybe fifteen minutes longer. I do think I could set a snare. I do think I could collect. I know what to eat when you're starving, like moss off the rocks, and like berries and ship I am so surprised you're into this show me too. It's like it's not amazing because I don't care if animals are hurt in the name of like survival, and I don't care in the wild and there lived full lives as little porcupines, which, by the way, it's porkupine, pork cu pine. There's a you. It's not porky pine. Everyone on the show it's porky pine. It's cute, But that ain't how you say it. Um. I think I've been saying it wrong. I say porcupine, porcupine pine, but they say not so much, thank you. I'm pining. That's like Caulie flower. Yes, It bugs me so much, and it shouldn't. Who cares. Say whatever you want, I don't. I don't care. Who has so much body fat? So much fat, and that's what you want in these animals. All these people on the show Alone are looking for is fat. And it's so the opposite of like watching the Kardashians, where all they're trying to do is suck it out of themselves and have everyone getting buckle fat removal for Christmas. That's what everyone's asking for. Did everyone get one that on the shirt? That's the thing that everyone gets removed from their cheeks. Now it's the new hot plastic surgery. It looks I mean, it does look like you're thin. It makes it look like you're thinner because it makes it look like you have sunken in cheeks and you're starving. It looks like you're on alone. The show about seventy two days in so I just finished episode season seven of that show, and yeah, it was a wild ride. I mean it is. It's made me look at the world differently. It's made me it just every the other day I cleaned a spaghetti squash out and I had like scrape it out. You know, you cut a spaghetti is washed and it's really hard to cut those. And then you scrape it. Oh no, you didn't see me prepare it. That was no preparing it before it was cooked. When it's raw and you like scrape it with a spoon. And I was like, I just felt like I had processed an animal that I killed, Like I felt like so outdoorsy. I was so proud of myself. These people, you don't know what they get into. Man, Like they this one guy murdered a muskoks with us a knife. He shot it with his bow and then it was just injured and kind of walking away, and then he went in and just murdered it with a knife, just kept stabbing it. It was crazy. I mean, none of this I can watch, like those scenes or when they club a fish. They pull a fish out and it's flopping around, then they club it. Yeah, I close my eyes, I put my hand up. I don't want to see that stuff. But it doesn't bother me that it happens. I do think about the muskox if it had babies to feed, and I think about their starving babies, crying and waiting for their mom to come back. Every time they catch a rabbit. I just pictured the baby rabbits starving to death, and that bums me out. But um, yeah, I mean hunting in the name of survival I'm into. The other day, I was walking down the street and I was on my way to Walgreens because Chris had barred my car because his car is broken. And I was like, yeah, I can just walk everywhere, and so I went to Walgreens and I was walking by some bushes and it was like almost getting It was like dark out, you know, it's just about to get dark. It was probably two o'clock in the afternoon, because that's how fucking dark it gets dark so fucking early. And I hear like over and over and thank God my air. But you ever like listening to music and then someone you like listen to and you pull up Instagram and then the music cuts out, and then it plays the Instagram video and then you then you get off Instagram and you just don't put the music back on, and then you're just walking with nothing in your ears but your head owned still in and you don't even notice it. Thank God, That's what happened to me, because I could hear this little were you were you, and so I like look in the bush and then I see these eyes peering back at me and it's a little porcupine. Now it's a it's a cat. It's a black cat. And um, it was just like couldn't stop me owing, like every second, like it was me owing. It definitely was trying to get my attention. And then I tried to like sit down with it, and then people just kept driving by and walking by, and was it looked like I was trespassing because it was like on the lawn of this kind of probably a dentist or something. I don't know. It was in like a building, and um, and it just wouldn't stop me owing, but it wouldn't get close to me because I was just like, come here. And then I was kind of looking at it. It's belly looked really big, and I'm like, this fucking things pregnant. And it was sixty degrees out the sixty one degrees outside at like five pm. This was when it was in January, you know, this was January one. I couldn't believe it. I'm so grateful that this cat wasn't in the freezing cold, but I didn't know what to do. So then I walked to Walgreens because I'm like, I don't want to tell you cat, you won't come near me, you keep me out in And then I it kept like skitting away, but then it would like walk around me, and I felt like it was trying to get around me to go somewhere else. But then it would just like kind of stay and watch me, and it just like I knew it wanted love and wanted shelter and warmth, but it also was so scared of it at the same time. It's kind of the same vibe Luigi has constantly of like once love so much, wants to be a good boy, terrified of getting close to anyone, kind of like we all are. And so then I walked to Walgreens. The line for the prescription, you know, the pharmacy was like too long. It was like two people or something, and I was like, funk this ship. And so I got some cat food cans and I went back and I opened the cans and the cat is there still and wolfed down these two cans of food and I just like talked to it and kind of like I was able to touch it's a little like face because I was holding the can and I was able to get a little touch in and um, and it got closer to me, but it wouldn't come anywhere, like like it wouldn't let me pick it up. So it wolfed down these cans of food, so fucking hungry. And then I just left because I don't know what to do and I didn't have a car, and so Chris went to my parents to go get like the dog carrier that I had for Luigi that was there, and he brought it over. But I didn't go back. I didn't do it. I liked I was like yesterday business, I felt like it might be the business would be open, and then I'm just stalking around the bushes looking for that cat. Also, I don't know what to do with a cat. Also, it could scratch me and give me brabies. I just like it was too much. But I thought about that cat, and there was a part of me that was like this cat needs me, like I need to have a cat. And then I was like, you can't have a fucking cat. I don't. I don't know. It was just a lot of hate. When I want to keep my headphones up from now on because I don't want to see injured animals and have to rescue them. Keep the volume. Yeah, I'm gonna blast it up because I don't want anything vulnerable trying to get into my heart because it denial. I wrote to Noah being like, what do I do? And she wrote her friend, it just seems like too much work to go around. There are too many straight cats in the world. I wanted to get the cat off the street because I don't wanted to murder birds. I'm really on the birds side of things here, but I couldn't. I don't know what to do. I just left it. You did the right thing, and you could always It's not like you have a ton of time either, but you do have a few days off. You could if you find that cat again, you could see if it comes in your carrier, and then you can put a thing on your Instagram and see if anyone wants to adopt it or call the what's it called society society so they can do something humane with it. Yeah, I mean, it was just gonna be ridiculous trying to get me to coax this cat into the thing I would. It was just too much work. This is where I give up on literally everything in my life. Is when it approaches like being just a little too much logistics, then I have to put out a post and then people have to come by and meet it, and I have to meet them and talk to them. Or maybe your part in all of this was just to get her those two cans of food. She was She was like, I got what I needed from you. The dentist will be home tomorrow and he'll get more of a bleeding heart for this cat and and help it, because it was definitely loud and it was on a busy enough sidewalk. Someone else, but this is the bystander effect. Someone else will deal with it. I did what I could. Um, does the cat have a good personality and you might need someone else on this show? What are you thinking? Yeah, you know it's the Yeah, it was so cute, but it had like a like an eye that was kind of weepy, and I was like, oh god. It just made me realize like if I got this cat, I would have to take it to the vet. I can't do that. That's what makes me go. I can't have kids. You have to take them to the doctor. I can't even take myself to the doctor. I had an appointment this morning, and the woman asked, so, who's your O, B, G N, And I go, I don't know, And she was like, where is it that I go? I don't know. I don't know anything. My assistant made the appointment. I just showed up for it. I don't remember their name. I don't remember what building it wasn't I don't remember anything. And um, I just I just really can't take care of myself. No, that's not the conclusion. Dude. You're very busy, and insurance changes all the time. Probably you don't have like a regular GP. That's okay. Bonnie McFarlane helped me feel better about this. She's like, I changed my insurance every year. I never know who my doctor is, so that makes me feel better. I've been seeing this woman for a while. I still can't remember. I do remember what was her assistance name. It was like Tony or something. That stayed in the room. I do remember. I remember him, because now allans like they have to let someone stay in the room with you because we don't trust any of them. Which, yeah, it's like a gang bang. All of a sudden, You're like, oh, is this supposed to make me feel more comfortable? I think I think I raised a suspicion with any doctor who's an obi wan. That's a man. I can't do it. I just I'm not. I went to the remember the one we went to Anya. Oh yeah, yeah, he was nice. I like he was nice, but also did did the same thing that I hear articles about about not addressing women's pain. I got an i u D put in and it was or no, I gotta pulled coscope wherever they like, scrape your poscopy. Yeah, culposcope. It was the most painful thing. And the insertion of my i U D which they could not get out so they did like yank getting ripped out like tissue. It was so on. I mean, I don't even have to say how painful it was because I blacked out from the pain. I literally passed out from the pain. So that's and they said it would be a little pressure. What was that guy? Oh yeah he was nice. But yeah, I just now that I'm learning so much about predatory behavior, we have to understand that these people go into these professions because that's what they are. Like, there's a lot of people that just do it for if you can prove to me that your mom died of uterine cancer or something, and that's why you want to go into it. Okay, I believe you. But other than that, why would you choose the pussy? Why as a male doctor to help women deliver baby? Why do something else? Get out of there? Then be then be a pediatrician. But even that, I'd go, what what you need to be touching little kids? I'm just suspicious of all of it. You're not saying all of them are? Yeah, I am. Actually unless you approved to me that you I want to if you're an ob gyn and you're a man, write to me why why if it isn't Because unless it's a reason, like I had a woman in my life who suffered this thing, and I want to like get in there because in medical school you get to choose what you do. Many female eurologists are there too. I would like to know the percentage of eurologists that are women. I'm not you know what, there's no I'm not raising an eyebrow out them. They do it, but I'm just curious why they get into it. The money, I don't know that. The dick you got into comedy, Yeah, the dick and money, I don't know. Yeah, that is interesting. Why does anyone get into anything. I don't to be like this is the size? Huh is this is are you fully grown? But there they have to people that O g y n is definitely have to have a reason. It's just because you could choose anything, right. It is weird that from a young age I remember some subconsciously being like, well I got to choose a man O B g y n. Why why did I think that? Is it? The patriarchally? Yeah? Wait, my first O g y n was a man. I haven't even had a woman until recently. I was like, probably post me too. I was like, no, I'm getting a woman. Why why have I always gone to mand like you guys know better than we do, because it's an old riddle of like the doctor's like and something about the doctor's son is dead, and then who's the and and it makes it pre you always presupposed that a doctor is a man. So maybe that's why that we just think that never gone small man? Never ever? Well a gynecologist, yeah, never. I don't know why anyone would and I did too when it's just and ever since then, I haven't because it just but why would I think that's and I'm sure people are out there like my dad's a no, would you and it's fine, and it's like I get it. Maybe you do want to deliver babies or whatever, but I'm just a little bit. It would ruin the vagina for you. It would take out it would be like every vagina you see. We would be like, oh, more work. You know. Let's say you're not a creep. It would take the sexuality out of vaginas maybe a little bit. So it would ruin it either way. Either you're doing it because you like vaginas too much, which is creepy, or you like vaginas in a sexual way but you're not in a medical way, but you see them so much medically it would ruin it sexually. I'm completely questioning my whole life now and having a little bit of an existential crisis about why you had a mail without question me too. Well, that guy should question his existence and everyone who works for him should. I want to hear why men want to be oh b g y n's let me know if you don't have any in your life, will be right back after this happy New Year. We're back. Um. Yeah. So I went to get a consult today via Zoom about getting my eggs frozen? Guys, what do you want to know? To ask me some questions about this thing? What do you what do you want to know about it? Because I've got some fucking answers for you, because it's bullshit. How long does the whole process take? Do you have to put a couple of months? Like it just takes like, you know, a couple of cycles or however many you want to do. If the older you get, the more cycles you have to do, because you only get about you know, if you're lucky, you get like twenty eggs per session, but really you're probably when you're in your like thirties, after thirty six, you're gonna get like ten if you're lucky. And then of those ten, the percentages of those actually being fertilized and not having any diseases is like one in ten, So you got to do at least two cycles to have any kind of like reassurance. I mean, these aren't the exact numbers, but it's not looking good. It's ten thousand dollars. Insurance covers none of it for me because they see any kind of egg freezing or going to get infertility treatments as you being infertile, they lock you in as infertile, So what's the fucking point? Yes, they go, So I am now in the system as infertile, so anything that I get done for me is totally and uh just like a fun little experiment that I'm choosing to do. What since when is healthcare like the thing you're getting treated for becomes the thing that makes it so you don't get to get treatment? Like why is me being so they they're marking me down as infertile, dead in the water, can't have kids because I'm going because I even went for a consult. So so now I'm down in the system as infert but I'm going to get treated for possible infertility. So isn't that a medical issue? Like I don't, I don't understand it. And then I'm talking to the doctor and she was so freaking nice and cool and like she was like just call me MO. Like I'm like, okay, MO. So she's so nice and just you know, down to earth, and I really liked her a lot, and she's answering all the questions that I could have. I didn't really have any questions because she kind of said it all, and I was not in the I did woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I'm two days away from starting my period. I got a message from someone being like, I can't believe how many people say so many things about you and stuff like, just someone telling me what other people are saying about me. Please, for the love of fucking God, stop doing that. I know you're on my side, and I know you're telling me like it's hard to be you and I love you so much. Why would they be saying mean things? Please don't tell me what people are saying, even in a very abstract way. It doesn't help. It only makes me think of things that are I'm never going to read it right. Whatever you want, people, I'm never going to read it ever ever. I mean, my d M s are different. Tell it to my face. I dare you. I dare you. You would never have a little good news. Why would you write to someoneow, Why would you write to a celebrity you like and tell them some bad news? Well, because the person was trying to empathize and say I could never they were trying to do. I get what they were saying, like they were giving me what I actually need. Sometimes is like someone saying like, I can't imagine what it would be like to have strangers pick apart my life and think they know me so well. That was that he was trying to give me empathy, but in doing that he had to tell me that people are picking apart my life and I don't need to know that that might not be going to look picking apart my life. It might not be that they're seeing bad things. It's just like, oh, I wonder if you know Nikki and Chris are going to get engaged or you know, it could just be like gossipy stuff in that, you know. But then I wrote back and I said I don't want to hear this or like that's why I don't read it. And then he was like, it's not all bad. It's some lots of it is good. But you know some people, but even saying it's not all bad means it is some of it is. Yes, yes, I know. I just have to understand that they want to be close to you, and it's a way of being like really close right now because I'm gonna tell you some real ship, but I'm protecting and people do feel like they're close to me and my d M S. Yes, like I'm protecting you, I'm looking out for you. I can't believe these people would say this about you. I've been that person before, um, because I didn't know what it's like to be told what you're not, what you're here. I can't believe people say this about you. Can you imagine just run this or your head listener that someone said to you. I can't believe what people are saying about you. It's you. I love you so much. They are crazy. Would that make you feel good? Would that make you feel secure, like, oh, this person loves me. Of course it wouldn't no matter how many people love you. If you find out a group of people are together writing about you, and of course I know that they are, and I signed up for it, And I'm sure you're going to write all all the people that write this bad stuff. You're going to write all the stuff. And she deserves it. She lets us in on her life. That's what we get to scrutinize it. You're a loser, first of all. You're a huge loser who writes and like negative things about someone online. I'm not kidding you. I've been in some dark places. I've never been in a dark enough place where I write paragraphs of negativity about someone I don't know. I really hope you get help. You're a loser and you're I don't know, I'm not always gonna be one, but it's not looking good. I don't think that this is going to get through to you. I have compassion for you. I really want you to get better. But um, I'm never going to read what you write. So if that's any consolation, and I dare you, if you really think something about my life, I dare you to d M me and have a personal I would love it d d m me your concerns about my life or your thoughts about my life, because I'm never going to read those message sports ever ever, because I take care of myself, which you should take care of yourself and do something good for yourself better or go to better help dot com promo code Nicki Glazer, Yeah, there's therapist standing by to help you with your um misplaced aggressions that celebrities. You do not know. She thinks she's a celebrity. She thinks she's so cool. She even said celebrity, just that she thinks she's so famous. We don't even give a fucking Depiggie Bay. Also, I already know you're gonna get d MS clarifying this, so let me can I say one thing? Yes, I think they've me d MS clarifying please. We I know and Nicky knows that probably a lot of those comments on Reddit are well meaning people who are like, I really care about her, and here's what I hear, and I think she's doing this and that. And because I care about her, I'm writing this and it's some d M. You have every worry and you can actually help me you talking about it with other fans in a forum where you're just trying, you're not actually helping anything. Um but and and also if you're worried about someone else and you're like about the things going on in my life, I would I would guess I would almost guarantee that your life there are similar things going on. And that's why you can so clearly see them in my own life, because I know that whenever I do the same thing which I have, I don't write about it. But I definitely hate online and look at things and go and zoom in on them and have opinions about what people are doing and how I think they're running their lives and how I think they should do things differently. And it's always because I'm doing things that are nefarious that I don't like about myself. So look back at your own self and I'll do the same. So anyway, I woke up on the wrong side of bed because of that. Literally, that was the first thing I got when I'm in bed, and I was just like, really sad. And then I had to jump on this zoom call about having my eggs frozen, and she was like, so just tell me, like what brings you here? And I go, Okay, I don't want kids at all. I am like I would say I would there's a chance that I ever want kids in my whole life. Don't want them now. I'm doing this because of the patriarchy, because, um, I'm scared that I'm someday going to be with a man, whether it's my boyfriend now or maybe he dumps me and I end up with someone. And the only reason, the only way a man will ever love me is if I'm able to give him his own child. That's why I'm doing this. And then I smiled and we continue the conversation. I go, that's the only reason, and I go, I'm doing it for insurance in case some man down the road wants to have his own baby, because it seems to be more important to men than it is to me to not adopt. Men don't want someone else to raise someone else's seed, and so that's why I'm doing it. And then as soon as I said that, I was like, why am I doing this? And then I find out it's ten dollars. Honestly, I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can do this because it's so and first of all, you can't travel at all. So yeah, so you go in for your console. You have to get a blood tests, and you have to get um your follicles looked at in your ovaries through an ultrasound. Then they just see what they're working with. Then you go back in and they order all the medicine. You have to put two thousand dollars. This is just for two sessions of harvesting. And I mean some women do like five okay. One is like pretty worthless, two is like the bear men pretty much. So it's ten thousand dollars. Two thousand dollars down to for them to order all the medicines, and then you go through a whole cycle. You like, you go in a bunch of times, though, but you have to be like ready to go at any time, Like you have to go in constantly to get checked and make sure that okay, now is the time to pull the eggs. Now, that is the time. So there's really no window for me, I go, I'm never going to be in town fourteen days straight in a row ever in the rest of my life. To tell your kid, I'm telling like, well, I could have if there were nannies that could pull my eggs on the road, then that would be great a surrogate for someone to harvest my eggs. So I might have to to like someplace in Chattanooga or wherever the funk I'm closed. Yeah. The second well, uh, I was gonna say, uh, you can't travel at all for fourteen No, you can, but we'll have to go to find a clinic there. And I said, the pictures and everything, it's just a huge cu um. It's a procedure where you have to go under. You have to be put under athia with fent and al and something else, she said, And then they pulled out and then you just there's you know, a less than one percent chance of any kind of like negative things that could happen during the egg pull. It's a very you know, low risk procedure. And then you do it maybe back to back, like you might do it just right away the next the next moment, you get on the birth control pill for like ten days so that your egg's calm down, and then they start producing like on a dime, like at the right moment, so that they're But I mean, what was most oppressing to me is just the age. Plumb it. No one told me at thirty two your vagina becomes Tucson Like I didn't. No one told me, I know, you're at thirty two geriatric pregnancy, which now they're calling them, um, what's it like a mature pregnancy. It's something they changed the name from geriatric um. And then you know, there's all the risk of like having kids with like there's a one in one percent chance your kids going to have some kind of genetic disorder that is very visible to the public and to you. You know. Um, But I don't think I want to spend ten dollars on this. I just i'd rather reason, Yes, that's a lot of money that I you know, when I spend the amount of money I like to spend it on stuff I can use. This is just a bunch of It's a half very important thing you could use. I don't think it's important to me though, Like I hate to bring this is going to be a whole Reddit thread at some point for sure. I don't have a problem adopting I have, so why am I doing this? I have zero problem adopting. I don't do There's no part of me that wants to needs my kid to look like me or have my same like physical traits or mental traits. If anything, please don't have my mental traits and a lot of my physical traits I could leave on the fucking drawing room table as well. Talking about legs, if I have no problem, they probably wouldn't get my legs. My child would probably be born without legs because I decided to have a kid past the age of thirty four. So it's like it'll probably just be born with like a nose for legs or something like if that's a great nose, the glazer nose, that's true. I'm just like, I don't know, I'm feeling really discouraged with the whole thing. I'm going in for on Monday to do the ultrasound in the blood work, but I don't think I'm gonna. I might not even keep the appointment because I'm just so discouraged. I just think this is all so just. I just feel like the most feminist thing to do would to be like it's it feels like when you stop wearing makeup, you just give up and you just go, you know what, instead of like trying to trick science into like making more of me, I just have to accept what is instead of just fighting it constantly and and and paying for all this thing that I some women it's very important to them to have their own kid and to be pregnant. It just isn't for me. So what am I doing? I think I'm doing this the same reason that people tell me to buy a house or get married because everyone else does it. Well, I just don't know that I really care. It's like redoing my kitchen. I don't care. I'd rather just rent the rest of my life. I'll rent a kid. Does that make sense? There's no there's no like right or wrong approach to this. You know it's okay if you don't want kids, And it's okay if you kind of want them but not right now, or you're just not sure. I think it's just like you don't know where you're going to be in a year from now, and your perspective might change and you might say, you know what, I had this opportunity, why didn't I take it? Just look at as an opportunity that you you are able to take at this moment, and I think you should follow through. I don't think feminism is giving up and just accepting, like, don't accept push through it, because right now you're just seeing it through like one lens and you haven't found that other lens that gives you, like the reason as to why you would want kids. Or you say, you know what, I'm glad I have this option on the side waiting for me, but it's not for me, and that's okay. Yeah, And then you're only out ten grand? Would you make you make that in a meeting grade? If two meet and grades it's I know, but I could do. But I care about that kind of money, like I money would be a human child of your own, So it's not like a gift card at Sephora. It could be an option, and for you look at as an opportunity, as an opportunity that's down the road for you. Don't look at it as a child. Don't look at his ten grand you're investing in. In a particular, felt waking up this morning was like I could not have a kid. With how much self hatred I felt this morning. I don't know how women do it. If you're someone out there with a small child, men too, you know, single fathers or whatever, and you're out there as a depressed person with children, how do you do it? I mean, I struggle having a dog, the idea of getting a cat, and like having to take care of that. On days where I feel like this is so incomprehensible to me, I just feel like I would yell at my kid a lot today for something they didn't do, because I would just be just you know, I just feel like to minimize the damage I can do to the world, it's to not have a kid. And and that's okay for now. But also, you know, when I hear you talk about it, you're saying you're you're talking about how you would have, how you would handle in what it would be like for you. But you know, you would hope that there's another person in that equation. Yeah, my nanny's would probably another personal wellness because I would pay them well and um, we would watch a lot of Bravo TV together and enjoy that and have that kind of relationship. Yeah, okay, so you're right, that's what she said to me. The doctor was like, listen, I definitely didn't want kids. I sat my parents down and told them I didn't want kids, and now I have three, Like, and you know, I got to a point where I was like, anyone anything, I would give my right arm for a kid. I'm like, did your kid have a right arm? Um? So it's just I get that, like things can change on a dime, and they do for me. I don't think though, this kid thing has ever wavered from the time I ever was a teen till now. Ever wanted to adopt. Like you, to me, this issue was like, it's more about do you want a kid or not? And then the secondary issue is do I freeze my eggs or not? Because it sounds like you don't mind, like if you decide to have a child, you Nikki Glazer all on her own, would not mind it all. Adopting and doesn't even really care about having her own biology. I don't. I'm just doing this for men. So then I don't have a baby with me because I don't feel like because I want to stay with the man that I someday i'm with who definitely wants a kid. But he, the man that you're currently with, doesn't have a problem with adopting correct, No, but what if we don't make it, and then and then the only guy that will date me is someone who's like, I gotta have my own kid. I've met so many men that are like, yeah, I would only would want to like that. It's literally every man. Okay, I'm not joking. The name zac Efron is like, I'm with you now, it's I need to have my own child biologically. Yeah. So and then you're like, cool, I froze my eggs and then you'll do it, yes, because if the man wants kids that bad, like, they're going to help out a lot. I think money needs to take her naps. And my hormones are gonna be even more of a fucking grab bag gamble every day when I get older, because this there. I was watching Fleabag the other day and you remember the scene with that older woman that's like and then she's like being a woman's awful. It's too terrible. And then you reach menopause and it's amazing and you're like, yes, oh my god. She's like you don't have to care anymore, like and she's like Scott Thomas or something. She's cool. Oh yeah, that's her. She's so gorgeous. And she plays this like lesbian that what's her name is talking to and Fleabag is like, I've I've heard you know, menopause is terrible, and she's like, oh it is, but then it's glorious. It's glorious, and um, it does seem to be that way, but it's gonna get pretty bad. Before then, I was just so mad hearing about that fertility thing. It just doesn't make sense. Yeah, it's elective, but we want everyone in this country to have children because of the Christian right. And you get a tax break if you had to have a child, So the whole country is all about like everybody, have a baby, have a baby, have a baby, and then when it comes down to you wanting to have a baby, they're gonna fuck you. I just felt like I was doing like a I was playing playing uh, a woman who wants to have a baby. I literally thought I was like auditioning for a role of something that I know I would never it was a baby. He was putting on a mustache and a hat and like suspenders and was like the way I feel if I've ever done drag and I dressed up like a man, and I'm like, I'm a man now, and I do like a man character. That's exactly how I felt on this call with this woman being like talking about me with my eggs and like showing me my ovaries and stuff. Like I'm not saying I'm not a woman. I'm very much a woman, but it's just not I just didn't get that that chip in me that that any of this is alluring to And I feel, again, I very much related to the kitchen being reindone thing or picking out. I got a new couch yesterday and I'm on crate and barrel and there's twenty different textile kind of like just the textile the way it feels, and then there's twenty different colors. So if you do the math on that, there's literally like four hundred options of things that you can get. And it is too much. And so what did I do? I said, what is in stock? One color was in stock? I got that color. Is it going to be the shittiest kind? For sure? Is it gonna be? For sure? But it is? I just otherwise I would never have gotten the couch. I can't deal with this. Too many options and and women that just know what they want and I will, like wait a long time, or they'll they'll have a whole book of swatches sent to them. God, I would give anything to be like that. I really would to right to care about something like that and to understand it and have the patience to like pick it out. And you know, picking out a new bed is exhausting, it's all, you know. My resolutions for the new year is just to like myself more and accept what I am. And I'm having a really hard time with it today, especially because I had to get on a call and pretend I'm a girl who wants to have a baby because that's wait, let's okay, So let's talk about your New Year's Eve. Yeah, spectacular, it was so fun. Um Yeah, it was at the Steepel Center and achieve you sold it out, Yes, definitely sold it out. Thank you. So much to every bestie that came. It was such a fun night. It was so um it felt like my wedding, Um for sure, because it was like all my friends in town, my family, um, a lot of people that you know I should know but don't really know that well, like like everyone in my life is there. You have to talk to everyone, mingle with every one like it's your special day. But you feel like you're hosting something as well. Um, it was a lot of work, but it was. It ended up being so much fun. It was a great day through and through, but I got it back. Um thanks, I mean I like it. I had a million people come in to town. I had a lot of good friends come into town stay with you. You were like hostessing your apartment is impeccable. Now that's because I have help from Taylor. She does everything. Literally, Taylor hasn't come by in a couple of days in my house, I haven't I won't fold a piece of laundry, I won't do anything like it all could be done. I won't do it anymore because like I'm not now I have a housekeeper, but now my place is a fucking mess. So um, yeah it was. It was a lot of work all weekend, and I'm already feeling like I don't deserve to take a nap again, Like what's the next thing. I have nothing on the books in terms of like that it's looming like this. I definitely have my tour and everything, but those shows are selling well and feeling like really satisfied about that. I'm not like worried about anything in the future. And I think that is starting to set in and I already it's just so weird. You go from this night on Saturday, like the biggest night of your life. Everyone in your life is around. You have this big show. Then there's a meet and greet of like two d and fifty people at least for like, so it's an hour and a half show and then an hour of meeting people, which I genuinely love it is. It's long, but it's not bad at all, but it's exhausting. And then and then you go home and you wake up in the morning and your boyfriend leaves and your friends have all left town, and it's quiet and there's no one around and there is nothing to do and no one's even texting, like it's just all goes like like it's like a vacuum, like like nothing, and it's like this, it's it's a little bit hard to get calibrated back to like what what is my life? Because I was just so nuts. It feels like I should have gone on a honeymoon or something, because just being in my empty apartment after all of this, in the same town that this all just happened and felt just kind of like, um, a little bit of a shock. But the night itself was so fun. My sister brought her kids backstage and everyone was like, the kids don't need to be here, and I was like, thank God for these kids because I can just play with them. I don't have to talk to anyone. I don't have to entertain people. They're getting my mind off of being nervous, like I can't. I can just focus on opening this gift for Poppy and like you know, doing the twist ties on the back, trying to get this little squirt gun for my nephew. Figured out, Like that's what I wanted to focus on fifteen minutes before I went on stage than anything really because everything else was just too um, too much. But it was funny too, and it's like your night and you have all this pressure on you to do a huge show and then to be a hostess. Like there was a pre party, then there was a post party to the show. So Nikki is not only like doing an hour and a half long show, actually more like a two hour long show with introducing every everything, and then she does this hour and a half long meet and great. Then there's an after party. But there was a pre priarty, so you were like on from I would say six pm to two in the morning, like on, because I also had a guy that was interviewing me for this piece that was you know, I would say from five o'clock until one am. It was NonStop and there was maybe I went to the bathroom once and had a little bit of alone time like a breather, but other than that, it was just constantly talking to people and like it. And honestly I like it. I don't really want it to not I don't really need that much alone time. But yeah, you're amazing. I like implode, you would what I just implode. I've come to know about myself that you know, I can do about four things in a day well and if my plate gets any more full than that, Like some people thrive with the full plate. You are one of those people, like you really do you thrive with a full late deadlines, like immediate deadlines. You're like, all right, let's kick this in high gear. I like get paralyzed and freak out. So like I'm like, okay, my show, I have to do vocal you know, warmups. I have to remember to put my flash drive bracelet on my wrist because it's part of my show to do this thing with that. Then I you know, have to remember my songs and then just my guitar and my capebo I forgot one of those things because I got distracted with something else before the show, and I was like, see, I cannot multitask well, Like I can't even go out and say hi to people for five minutes without feeling discombobulated. So I didn't even get to socialize really because it would take me off. Well, you have the luxury of not having to no one's expecting you to, Like if you expected you too, you probably could, you know, Like if if I was someone that didn't have to go say hi to everyone that was there for me, I probably wouldn't have, you know, but it wasn't an option. It was like my wedding like you. And that's why I would love to elope someday so that it doesn't because I do love doing this Like I didn't. I didn't. There was no part of that night that I was like, like it really it was a lot, but it was still the whole thing was fun. And I loved that when your dad was like, why are there no drinks in the food room? Oh my god? I mean that is just She's like, and he performed. Can I say my parents do this too? Where I'm like, I'm doing seventeen things at once, and I'm fully made up and trying to keep it together, and I've got a smile on my face, but if one fucking match goes on my back, I will lose it. And like, all of a sudden, it becomes known to us that in the in the pre party room where there's all these pizzas because it's very nice company delivered a bunch of pizza ahead and they were delicious and they were vegan, and they did all of this out of the kind of salts and cookies. Yeah, it was amazing, Yeah, it was amazing. And then then we come to realize, whoops, the drinks that we had ready, We're not put in that room. They were in a different backstage room. So myself, Nikky and Matt, her husband and her brother in law, we we go into the other room and I'm Matt and I are like, Nikki, don't worry about it. We got this and we started moving the drinks. Right at that moment, her dad Waltz is in and it's like right to Nikki, like mumbling, kind of like in the way you imitate him in your childhood dinners like soups cold weird. But I would have liked, would you have why would you have the drinks in here when their food's all in there? And I go, are you joking me? I go, I am right now having all of the drinks moved there. This is what this is what it's not if he would have just said um, if he didn't need to say anything, first of all, because we were already doing exactly what he was trying to have remedied, right. But what annoys me is that my dad already and people do this all the time. It's not just my dad, and this is a this is a Glazer family trait. That's why I love my friends and family to be around my I love my friends and my boyfriend to be around my family because they see where I get it. Where they look at me and they go, Jesus, Nikky is weird or she's intense or you know, and then they look at how I was raised and they go, Okay, this makes sense. So this happened right before. So we're headed to rehearsal. My dad picks me up, and there's a lot of traffic downtown because I was you know, right next to the Steeple Theater is the Enterprise. Um, it sounds like the Enterprise Center, but it wasn't like a rental car place the Enterprise Center. It's like the hockey rink for the Blues. And so that game was started starting hours before my show. So getting down there was so much traffic. So I go. Dad in said of me driving separately, pick me up. We'll go to rehearsal together. So we go. He picks me up. We go to sound check together, and as I'm going downstairs, I had this big bag of all the clothes and all the things I need for the whole night. And my dad is sixty eight, so I just don't like him lifting things anymore. And I am an able bodied woman who has about four eggs inside of her right now. I was ready to be harvested at any moment. And and so if my dad pops to the hatch for the back thing trunk and I grabbed the bag and he's like, let me get it. And my dad's fighting, aging and fighting this and wants, you know, to be a good man in this moment for his weak little daughter. And he picks up the bag and I'm fighting with him with the bag, and then I slam my head on his thumb fucking Niecean back trunk. The hatch that does not come all the way up because it's he bought a vehicle that was in an accident, so the thing doesn't even come up all the way. And I slam my head. It's bleeding. There's a huge dent on my forehead. And we get in the car and I'm just like, calm about it. I'm just like, I hit my head, It's fine, it's bleeding. Whatever, I'm going to put a bandit on it. I'm gonna honor Nelly tonight from my performance here in St. Louis. And then we're pulling out, my dad goes why wouldn't you just let me get it? Why you wouldn't? And I'm like, Dad, I already have a gash on my head. Isn't that punishment enough? Do you need to shame me more for how dumb I was for doing this? Like why do we need to add to it? So again, like I already am getting the drinks out of the room. I've already realized that there has been a mess up here. I'm already feeling bad about it. People are in that room eating that They're all going like, where's the drinks? And they're having to shuffle between the two, and my green room is kind of in the middle of trying to get to those, so they feel like they're kind of to get to the drinks, they're kind of having to go through my green room, and they all feel kind of weird about that. So it's just like not a good vibe back stage. I already feel horrible about it because I've realized it too late. So I'm trying to fix it and my dad has to come in and mumble something about why would you put the drinks in here when the food's like what do you? Why? Why must we keep punishing ourselves on top of the thing. Just isn't it enough that I'm having to like? And so I just snapped and he looked at me like I was crazy, and I was. I mean, I went a little bit too much off on him, but I just couldn't take it anymore. Um, and that it was yeah, but then um, but then it was gutty. They they were fun. They drove us home, Chris and I home at the end of the night, and that was fun. And you know, there were gunshots I guess on the way out for some people leaving the venue. Did that happen to you, Anya? And we were told by security to wait indoors for the uber and we're like, no, we can wait outside. They're like, you don't want to go out there. But then they were being cagey about why. I was like, why a lot of drunk people and they're like, just stay inside. I'm like, okay, I just dangerous. They're like, it's dangerous, it's dangerous, but this it's not any more dangerous than any other city. Because yesterday everyone on the Girls Ship or two days ago was like we heard gunshots, dada, And I'm like, that's the thing that happens on Year's Eve everywhere. First of all, everyone shoots off guns, And yes St. Louis does have a crime thing, but I looked up the crime and St. Louis and is not any more worse than anywhere in the US. So everyone was just like, I got so scared, and and everyone's like, you know, running off home to Arkansas in Kansas City thinking it's safer. It's the same in those places. To St. Louis is not different. I'm not worse than you because I live in a crime filled city. I just like it was a little bit infusitory. Yeah, but it was New Year's Eve. I bet that happened everywhere. And I looked on the news and there was no shootings. It was fireworks, so you tell me no successful ones. But they did throw a burning thing burning yeah Corn Taylor and everyone like through burning objects at Taylor. I don't know. I just felt like you guys were like St. Louis is disgusting and say that. But watch that one video and they're running and they're like you here in the background like pop pop pop, And then you see the girls in the video realized like those aren't fireworks. Oh yeah, everyone always thinks of guns there fireworks at first. I mean it sounds so like he's, well, yeah, that's what edny. I mean, I've read a lot of books about mass shootings and stuff. You guys know that, and like everyone always thinks it's firecrackers, So if you ever think they are firecrackers, I'm at the point where I think firecrackers are guns now because I know that so much. So it's that's that's what it will sound like. But St. Louis doesn't. That was an insane show. You were so great and so poised and so funny. There was this moment Nikki like rewrote anti Hero for St. Louis with these hysterical lyrics, and then like there was like a whole moment where she had to vamp because she didn't see the last verse. It was missing from her phone where she was reading lyrics, and so she vamped, which was almost funnier than the whole song that she had written, and the crowd just went nuts. It was such a great vibe in the place. And then you and your dad did a song that I swear you should like bring back many times because it's so touching, so funny, Like I was peeing my pants laughing in bed that night just thinking about it. And you guys are just so so good together. It was an amazing, amazing show. I'm so proud of you. It was so nice. Thank you so much, and like, yeah, it was I couldn't have done it without the help of obviously you and Matt and all my friends and just everyone that was there that weekend. Was like, it was so special to me. I wish you would have been there, Noah, instead of intriguing sequences, Um, we're gonna come back and we're gonna do reddit dump right after. All right, it's time for Reddit dump karaoke mode. This is your Reddit dump. He Okay, So this is from the reddit Unpopular Opinion and it says finding a hair in your food is no big deal. I mean, it's unfortunate, but do you do you But do you know what I do when I find a hair? I don't eat it. I remove it and a discard of it. I don't understand why finding a hair renders a meal inedible For most people percent at the time, it wasn't intentional. The other point one percent, well, that's a different story. The fact is, never mind how careful you are when cooking a straight hair is going to fall in food occasionally, um thoughts because I've I've thought this way too, Like what how much dirt does a hair piece of hair have on it that you make renders your food in edible inedible? Just pull it out? It is gross because hair detached from the human head is disgusting on its own. We all know that. Just pull it out and keep eating the food. Like I don't. I don't get um the like I understand if it was like a piece of poop was in your food, like you couldn't just in the poop would like leave behind remnants. But what does a hair leave behind aside from like old shampoo that it's gonna make or like a little grease from their head that you can't even see. It'll probably make the food taste better because it's grease. Yo, what is I think it's more of just a a visual thing than actually something that can really impair your taste buds or also doesn't matter if the hair is curly or straight. What if there were two hairs, if there were three? Racist if people are more anti curly hair, well, small curly hairs make you think of pubes, which make you think of like calm and ship and all the things that are down there. And so yes, I get it, but let's normalize just instead of reordering a whole thing and shaming whatever you know too much. Aging man is back there who's losing a lot of hair, Just take it out of your food and keep eating. Usually the hair that I find is usually from my own head, like if I reach for something, it falls off my sleeve. But so I will definitely eat food if I find someone else's hair in it. I just have to go through a little bit of like the mental thing of like thinking about swallowing the hair and then pulling it out of my through god, oh god, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what gets to me first. And then I just like dismiss it. I assume that that's the only hair in there. I don't think that there's It's not like cockroaches, like there's gonna be more. In fact, there's gonna be probably more cockroach legs in your salad or like mice remnant ship that's crawling all over the potatoes that you know, there's so much crap in your food that you can't see. And if you're someone who goes out to eat and you have, there's a hair, and you can't eat the entire dish. Stop going out to eat. It isn't for you make things at home so you can inspect them. It's not for you to go out to eat. And I know you're like, Nikki, that's not fair. I'm just saying, like, if you took a black light to your meal, you would be horrified at what you can you and people that I'm not even gonna get into it because people start getting mad at me because they're like, I do that, and I just don't want to make any more enemies than I have already. But on you, how do you feel about hairing your food? I feel the same, Like one hair, I'm gonna just pull it out and keep going. If there were two or three, it'd be like something's going on with to you go Okay, well there's probably gonna be three. Then yes, if you have two hairs in your food, yes, send it back. Um. I used to have a joke, one of my earliest jokes was that someone found a hair in their food and I was like, well, it is angel hair pasta, and our pasta chef, as Bronza, is an angel. If you met her, so Um, okay, so stupid. I hate myself all right. So this one is from to me I r L for me I r L. And it's just like memes and different tweets. And this is from a tweet from a guy named my at my toe cold, My toe Cold. It says I'm sad, but not like sad enough to be a good painter or whatever. Let's say like that sounds colloquial, like it sounds like someone's talking I'm sad but not like sad enough to be a good painter or whatever. Um, yes, that I relate to that. Okay, so this one was from true off my chest. My penis is long, but it's really skinny, like someone glued a slim jim to the bottom of my Torso we've got to change how we measure penises. Man, I always feel like I'm lying when I tell a girl I'm eight and a half, but she gets confused when I whip out my twizzler. Still though, it's my penis, and I'm glad to have it, even though I'm sure I can break get in half like a pockey stick. Um. People, he said, I'm not going to take a picture. Stop asking, And then he decided to paint, like draw a picture of it like I would do my ships on you, And this is it. It's it's very thin and as scale. No one's getting horny. It looks like a cue tip. Um. Yeah, there's no body to scale so you can't see. But it looks eight and a half inches like but really thin. That would suck. That would be hard. Have you ever seen anything? M M, I just went, you know, micro penis boy, But no, yeah, micro penis is different. I feel like it's if that's but thin, I've never seen that, but more power to you. I've just never seen it before. If it looks like a nillipede. I say, twizzler is my favorite road trip snack, so your girl's feeling it. My god, my twizzler is your favorite road road I always get it when I'm on a road trip. I never created any other time. Oh that's interesting. In terms of liquorice, wait, what's the other kind of liquorice that is more um like straw like red vines. Oh yeah, it's gotta be strawberry twizzler. I like, I like um, strawberry twizzles, but I like them to be a little bit stale. So that chewy. Yes, me too, I like that. Okay. Um, so this is from Made Me Smile and it's from Glenn and Doyle. She wrote that one book called like I Can Do Hard Things or whatever. Maybe it's called Brave, but in it she says I can do hard things anyway, it says, hi, Hi, I want to talk like her. She's always on Instagram really saying like just like sharing a little bit too much, you know, or she's like I just cried all morning in the bathroom, and I just want to say like she's You're always kind of like I liked you better when I thought you were like this perfectly together like author who you know, didn't always look like she had just had a nervous breakdown. Man. Um, but I like her realness because um and any realness I don't like about her is a projection of what I don't like it myself. We just learned that at the first segment. Okay, so it's high. There's a family next to me at the store. I just heard the dad say to his kid, well, it's brave to go on a roller coaster, and it's also brave to say you don't want to go on a roller coaster. Wanted to tell you something good, that is good. I liked that if someone has told me that as a kid, because I was so scared of roller coasters, but I was more scared of how people would respond if they found out I was scared to go on roller coasters because in fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade, I'd say, all through middle school, roller coasters are like like drinking or sex. Like it is like the baddest thing you can do as like a kid is like go on a roller coaster. That means you're badass. It's like getting hyper. It's like, you know, the cool kids go on roller coasters. You're cool if you can do that. And if you're scared of things, your baby and your dork. And I was terrified of roller coasters, and I wish someone would have pinpoint or told me that admitting what you're scared of is actually brave, because no one doesn't. That would have with a twizzler dick. Yeah, if you're a guy scared of roller coasters, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I guess it's probably more pressure on men to be like strong and like really scary rides and stuff. But I still I don't know. Chris loves that stuff, and I think it's stupid to love that stuff because I don't understand why you want to feel want your body, why you want to trick your body into feeling like it's dying. Yeah, we already do that enough with getting laser treatment. Yeah, I mean that's for a purpose. I really love it is They say that it makes them feel very alive. Mm hmm. It's the same thing as like bass jumpers or any of these guys that just do this stuff. It's like, yeah, it makes you feel live to cheat death or to have your body convinced that you the doorphins that you get from it. I mean, I came on the X Factor ride at U Flags Magic Mountain. There's a role that made me have an orgasm two thousand seven eight something like that. I'm not joking you, and I knew it was one because I had never had one before. It was like probably my first. It was insane. It was insane. Um, okay, no, will you share one of the videos that I have UM sent you? Okay, so this is from uh funny videos. Oh, I love this so much? She is okay, so she is coming out of anesthesia. It's one of these videos where that she had her mouth operated on and she's just saying, weird ship, you know, like this is my worst nightmare of what I would say in this state of mind. But this is so hilarious. Yeah, when was the left I'm ever why I'm figuring, when was the last time I saw someone to do? What? Oh? If? I can care? So she's crying because her mom or whoever's with her, and she's got she's really serious about it. Um that makes me feel like, honestly watching that, I'm like, that's me right before my period. Okay, right, like just so irraptually sad about everything and taking everything so personally, I'm right there right now. I have to cycles are all psych to I'll be there in like three days. I'm there in two days or maybe tomorrow, God willing eggs. And it's like, I, yeah, just getting so upset about the dumbest stuff, Like I just I can't anymore with these hormones. I can't do it. I can't ride this roller coaster. I'm scared of this rollercoaster. And I don't know if it's brave to admit that, but I don't trust my mind anymore. I know people regular I gotta do something about regulating my emotions because I'm just so negative some days, Like I just woke up today just feeling so sad and I can't get out of it. And it's not like I can go. I can't do a podcast today. I can't, And I tried to do affirmations in the mirror. I went to Starbucks and I journaled for three pages. I woke up early so because I kind of felt coming on last night, and I'm gonna wake up early because I don't want to go into a podcast in a bad mood tomorrow. And to be honest, I'm not in a bad mood. I'm just still a little bit like agitated about certain things. So maybe it's a little bit I can't help it, though I'm not trying to be this way. I think that's something that we can all relate to. We can all relate to being a bad mood and not being able to get out of it, right, like why but then why when someone is in a bad mood around us and they don't get out of it is it's so fucking annoying. I can't even relate or forgive because it's like at us. Because it's at us. I don't actually mind if someone's in a bad mood and it doesn't come out as like short temperate nous. If I'm like, oh, they're having a bad day, that's fine, But if it's like what like yeah, yeah, I can't forgive that well, even though even though you know it's not really about you, you know, like I, we just don't do well with people being mad at us. And I think that's what comes back to this whole thing of me waking up to this text about like people analyzing your life. It makes me think that people are mad at me or they secretly they have uncovered why I'm a bad person and they've figured it out, like I haven't already figured it out like I, you know, And then that makes it because people I was texting with the Girl's shot today about it and trying to work out my feelings about it, and they were like, you know, they gave me back the same advice I give to my friends when they are worried about what other people think about them, and I just say, they're gonna be vapor. Someday, everyone's gonna be dead and all of the thoughts that they have about you that might be wrong, or you might want to prove wrong. Their thoughts are going to be vapor. Everything's gonna be vapor. Nothing matters. And it wasn't even the problem with my thing wasn't like I really don't care what other I guess. I don't not care. But it's less about someone being mad at me or someone not liking me, and it's more about them being right, Like I never liked they have it wrong. I'm a good person. I go, they're probably right, and I'm a bad person. It's not like I want to prove them wrong, because I don't even That's not even where my mind goes to go, like, no, they don't get it. I need to set them straight about what really happened there, and they don't know. They're it's only seeing his side of things and they don't even know what really happened. And instead I just go, no, they're right. I don't even pretend they're not right. I don't even combat it in that way. Yes, I call them a loser on my podcast and try to incite, you know, try to poke that bear even more, But um, yeah, I just tend to think they're right, and then that's where I go into this like hole, Um, here's what I have to remedy that. And if I opened my own therapy center and became a psychiatrist, this is what I would tell my patients in every session. Who cares? Because think about it. If I go on Reddit and I read about myself, which I never have, and people say something that I fear is actually true, like oh my god, she has such an annoying voice, or she's not even that great of a singer, or her songs aren't even that good, or all my worst fears, like her lyrics don't even make sense or whatever, or like she looks Tom Petty like anything, And I'm like, what Tom Petty? What if? What if they're right? Who cares? Like? What if they are right? I haven't seen It doesn't mean that I have to believe them. No, And like, what if it's true that I look like Tom Petty and my lyrics are bad and I can't really sing? It's so what? Right? Well? My thing is I care because I don't want to be a bad person in this world, and I feel like bad people just are drains on society, and so it makes me want to kill myself. But if so, it makes me want to just eliminate myself from the world. Um, Like, what if you are about person like lean into it? Well, that's what I'm saying. I wouldn't be able to help it. There's nothing I can really do about it if I'm a bad person. But then it just makes me upset that I got dealt this shitty hand. It comes back to like, why did my parents have sex and make something like me? Why didn't they just then like something like me me back around. I'm doing the Teal Swan technique to you. I just realized, like, so what lean into it? And then what Well, then if I'm a bad person, then I have to give up Like I should give up veganism, I should give up being an aunt. I like I I should just lean into being a horrible person and being selfish. But then that's not what I want to do. And so I guess, I guess I don't. I don't really know what you could keep doing that all day, But I guess I just feel like a fraud and that people see into it. Okay, And so then if it's true, if what everything they say is true, then I then I have no respect for anyone who's gotten to me to where I am. I have no respect for my loved ones who love me and think I'm great. I have no respect for my family who made me and think that I'm great. I love if if they're If what they're saying about me is true, then everyone who likes me is wrong. And I don't really want to be friends with them anymore, and I don't want them in my life because there wait, here's something for you to think about. What do you do for that? Okay, you don't read them, you don't know exactly what is said. It's it's your mind that's that's telling you what all these bad things are. I'm usually pretty right, but you're setting the terms of what makes you a bad person, and your brain is trying to find all those links. So if you can just kind of like say to yourself, okay, well let me go over. Is this true? No? Because I am this way, I'm compassionate. I went and I bought this cat two cans of food. Whereas someone who is less, you know, kind hearted, would just keep walking and say, oh, well that's going to be like who cares, It's just a street cat, right, Like you are able to dispel the things that you're primitive brain is telling you where it's just like you're bad, you're bad, but you're setting those terms. It's not the comments because you don't know what the comments are actually saying. Yes I don't. I will reiterate that I will never look at anything, and I would encourage no one to look on it, edit on my behalf to go defend me, like, it's no point in talking to these people. And I don't even want you to read it, people who like me, or like what are they saying about her? Because honestly, it will poison you to not like me. You think that it won't, you'll be like, no, I like you No matter what, Nikki, it will poison you. You will kind of see something that they're saying and it will make you just look at me differently. And if you want that then fine, But I'm telling you that's what happens. Even if these people are just you know, egomaniacal trolls. Um, that's what does. It all really comes down to your relationship with yourself, which is piggybacking off when Noah said so like no Math, That's why I love Byron Katie who talks about like is it true? Is it true? And like being unoffendable basically like you know, if someone said the worst thing to her ever, like she probably be Like I could see some truth to that, but ultimately it doesn't really matter, because your relationship with yourself and your knowledge of yourself is the primary thing. Yes, Okay, it's bad though when you do have a bad relationship with yourself. Yeah, so then that's that's the thing that means nurturing and that's the way it needs work more than trying to figure out how to make other people happy. And that's why stand in the mirror. I approve of myself all day long. And I didn't do it that much this weekend because I was too busy. So I just got to get back on that and then I will feel better across the board. Um. I also took Lions Main supplement this morning. I don't recommend that it has changed nothing for me. It was supposed to give me like a pep in my step and like a better out look on life. It has not. It's bullshit. Amazon, you know, sold me a raw deal. Or maybe there's some bad supplements, but Lions Main does not change your life or eliminate your problems. Supposed to help. It's supposed to help with a d D and like just give you energy and make you mentally focused. It's all of it's supposed to help with all that. My friend Elon Gold comedian, was like, it'll change your life, and I was like yes, And then I rushed room this weekend and I, yeah, it's a kind of mushroom. So I've heard of this lions main. Yeah. I I don't recommend it. It It didn't do anything for me today. But I am back on track of drinking a lot of water because I've realized all I drink is zvia soda. Literally that's all I drink, and so I'm trying to drink more water. Um. These are the kinds of resolutions that I have. Um watch more like Downton Abbey type shows. Uh, watch more alone, spend more time in nature. I think that is something I'm definitely getting into of, just like because I've been working on a treadmill recently and they have the little sim stimulate simulation simulated runs and walks and stuff, and a lot of them have been going through nature and I'm like, I want to go to this place, but it's in my small gym on a little screen, and even that as being like, Okay, I can see how this would work, and I try to get closer to the screen so I can immerse myself in it and maybe make it like an you know, an IMAX experience or like you know, virtual reality, but it doesn't work that way. So um, watching the show alone and also on that treadmill has been encouraged me to get more out more. But then when I step outside about my headphones on, a cat asked me for help, and then I get sad that the world is so cruel and little cats have to give birth and the cold and the plushes. All right, guys, that's the podcast today. Thank you Anna for being here. Thank you know uh we look forward to all so much fun in this new year with the podcast, and um, thank you guys for listening today. And tomorrow will be a better day for me. I can't wait to hear from you and see you then. Don't be killed digit