#303 Detention Dance w/ Rachel Feinstein

Published Dec 22, 2022, 1:00 AM

 Nikki is joined by one of her favorite comedians and friend Rachel Feinstein. They talk about Rachel's camel toe being spotlighted on stage, how to tell someone they have something in their teeth and how Nikki tried to use one of Rachel's bits to send her boyfriend a message about nicknames. They discuss scenes and takes of Netflix's Harry & Meghan, gossip page Deux Moi and how to exit social situations. Rachel talks about being a trouble maker in High School and finding certain pranks funny. Nikki wonders about how Rachel deals with her daughter growing up and learns how a kid can be a good hang. In the Final Thought they both relate to not being germaphobes. 

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The Nicky Glaser Podcast. Nick Here's Nicky. Hello here, I am Cynicki Laser Podcast. Welcome to the show. Um, let's just get right into it. Um, I'm feeling a little stuffy in the head. I have like an ear infection right now. Guys, So if I seem um just kind of like gross sounding, that's what's going on. But I'm feeling fine, especially because I'm so excited about our guest today. You know, um, how I feel about this person because I talk about her all the time. She's like the funniest person I know. And she's also just getting prettier and prettier every week and it's bothersome. But I'm also happy about it. And she probably won't take that compliment because she never does. It's the funniest person I know. Rachel find Seine, thank you. Hi. Oh my god, you look so good. We both have layered necklaces on, like we're trying like, how is your layered necklace journey been? Because it I know you and this is not an easy thing for us to do. No, it's always how do they I feel like there's always a delicate type of woman, just some woman that sucking Maine with the father that was protective and she and she doesn't have these strings, like the back comes from the front and people and people clean me throughout the day. I usually have like a sticker. I had like a Reformation tag on my drone. I had a tag on my shirt. The other day, I was I was doing a show and I think it was Burlington Vermont, and I just bought a new outfit at Urban Outfitters that day, like half price, Like it was like the whole off. It was fifteen. I was very proud of myself. And then I I was wearing a shirt for the first part and I took it off at the very beginning of my set, Like I took out this T shirt and I had on this like cute top underneath, and it had a tag on it, and the whole crap. Like I could just feel the like they were off, you know, like sometimes you feel the crowds off and you're like it's something on my face and they're like, no, you're just not funny. But I could just tell something was off. And then finally I just kind of like was like feeling behind my head and I was like, oh, this tag is still on, and then they all were like, oh, the relief And this is twenty minutes later, and I go, how many of you already saw the tag? And they all cheered so loud and I go, And then later on they go, we thought it was part of the bit, like that is not a bit. Well, I was going to that would be a constructed jokes. These people think that you made up like that, like some writers came up with this wacky idea. Is it happens a lot? I mean, you've been on stage that the your camel toe story is one of my favorites. Yes, I was on Thank You Niggy. I was on stage UM in Alabama and this guy stood up in the middle of my show and he was like, you have a camel toe. That was a moment in my life that I was expected to just live through and keep living after that. And then these other women stood up across the room and she was like, no, she doesn't have a camel tipe. You know the same thing at first. So then it was like a town hall meeting about my crotch. And they all were disagreeing, and it's saying that one woman goes it's the way the lad is smacking on her trail. I still thinking on how she called my pants trousers? But yeah, do you prefer someone telling you, like, there's no delicate way to tell someone Like let's say we're at the seller and we're in one of the booths and we're all like, you're you're telling a story, and we're all engaged, and you're like feeling like on and you're like feeling in the moment, and someone there's no comfortable way for me to tell you you have to bully in your teeth without making you feel so insecure. Like I've been trying to perfect a way to tell people they have something without making them feel without making them lose their spark because it takes. But at the same time, their spark is going to be lost as people stare at that thing in their teeth the entire story. If there's a smear of broccoli and you're already gone, it's not went. No, I'll take it anyway, and people I rely on that service of people cleaning and picking things off me. So at this point I barely hear like the voice or how it said. I'm just like very grateful for a team of people cleaning me. You know, I was in a pool with Mark Norman and Shane Gillis, which doesn't sound like the start of a good story, but we were, we were about to do a show together. We stuck into this hotel pool um and like you know how when you go swimming, like a booger can dislodge and like come down your face, Like a giant booger was down my face And I'll never like it still haunts me that Shane gills is, like, you have a huge booker. It was just like, for some reason it just made which is not Bookers are not inherently everyone has them. It's just you're collecting. You're collecting dust. It's not even like necessarily your own mucus. It's just like the world's crap floating around you when you're sniffing it in. But it is so embarrassing to have a booger situation. But I guess there are some people in the world that just don't have that, Like there are certain girls. You and I both have this like fantasy of these women that have perfect lives and just always smell good, like I recently I've been saying on stage and no one's ever told me I've smell good because that's true. No one, it's ever. I really wies this. No one's ever been like like when they hug you and be like you's fell like every I always try to imitate, like like a couple of girls that I was very jealous of in high school. They just had a natural delicateness to them and like those fathers that would go you know, I always talk about how my husband never puts his hand on my back like nobody's ever, just like you know, carried me through a room like nobody's ever, put me in a cab and referred to me as like precious cargo. Everyone's like, see you over there. Your stuff with your husband is so I mean it. It really resonates with me because I have a boyfriend who is very similar in the way that Like this weekend, actually Rachel I was there was a victory moment for me because I've been obsessed. If you weren't following Rachel on Instagram, she puts up the funniest stuff. She's so every single clip of yours is always funny. And it's I tell this to people all the time, you know, when I see someone and I go, oh, I watch your clips. I need to let them know, because we're just flooded with just stand up clips and podcast clips, and it's rare that I find someone. I watch all of their stuff, but I look so forward to anything you put out because it's always just so cutting and honest and so funny. But you had this bit, and I think if you go back on our Instagram, it's because I've shown it to so many people, I know how to find it. It's the one where the guy charges the stage. So if you look up the one where it says like drunk guy charges the stage, it's the bit before he even that's that's not even the best part of the clip, even though that was funny as fun how you handled that, but and how scary that was, by the way, But even before then, the bit before it is all about Rachel and her husband Um calling her big Guy and Chris and I that's his nickname. He calls me fucking big guy, and he acts like I'm weirdly insecure because I don't like, I'm not into that nickname. He's like, I can get out of your head about it. If I was. No woman wants me called big guy like a union trucker. What the fuck? I like I showed Chris that as a kind of way to be like, hey, like don't do things like that, Like, hey, like, isn't this funny? Like you wouldn't want to be like her husband calling her big guy right like it was me. Do you ever show Pete something to like get him to maybe wake up? Like that? Stoods uh? Netflix documentary. I've tried to make Chris watch that the other night, and I kept being like, wait, pay attention, there's this part that you need to say, and he's like, or why we do you even want to see this? Or is it just for me? No? Never, I choose all of my um everything we watched just to change his mind about different things. That's how I decided our entire netflixing. Because he goes to the firehouse every day and gets dumber because he's like, just imagine having like man sleepovers for half your life. So I've put all kinds of idiot horseship in his head. And then I'm like, all right, I'm gonna have to watch that documentary so I can explain that you have like a list of Ted talks just lined up. He's like like they're all obsessed with privacy, like extreme paranoid like libertarians, So like during COVID just to funk with him, I told him that. Um, I was like, listen it, just so you know. Cuomo wants us to put a siren on our door when we and they drop it off and they pick it up later, and he's like, I'm not putting a fucking siren my fucking door. That fucking asshole could. I'm sorry, but the contractors they just dropped and just says, this is a COVID home. It's just a small, rotating green and red siren. I was like, we have to do. I think we get arrested just to piss him off. That day, he was ranting about it all afternoon, but I'm not putting a goddamn this is a COVID home sign on. This asshole could go fund himself. Well, like, I love the part of the joke too, where because you like funk with him, and you like, I love that part of your set is that you have so many like little pranks and like things you do, like you funk with you share the things that he does that aren't intentional to hurt you, but that hurt you or hurt your feelings, and then you also share things that you do to like get One of my favorite parts of you is that you are honest about being desperate for like compliments and like affection and all these things. Like I was even the other day I was telling Ryan Hamilton about your vows and I think he was at your wedding, but I was recounting your vows when you were saying, um to Pete that like you thought he was gonna be dazzled by you when you brought him to like a movie set, you were shooting some show or commercial or something. You brought him and he was just like and you thought he was just gonna be like, wow, my girlfriend or is like a big star and I get to be understand and he's like yeah. I was like I was just seeing him across the room, like I was shooting this commercial, and I was like, I thought, like he's looking over at me thinking like that's her, like that's what she does. It was such a humiliating thought, like sometimes I'll have a documentary of my life playing with thoughts nobody's having about me, Like he was always hanging with the guys, but still like she was a woman's one. It's like no one cares, you know, Like I'll be at the cellar like really rasing the guys and I'll be like imagining how he would see this. It's and then the guy never sees me that way there, like there's a booker on your cheek. So he was like, really across the room, I'm I'm shooting this commercial. In my head, I was like, what does he see when I'm like doing this? And he walks over and he's like, can we get back to the room. This is fucking Weird's take it forever. He's like, are there there's good snacks there? Like didn't give a fuck, you know, like didn't he ask where craft he was? And you go, how do you know what Crafty has? He goes on a set before Babe, I played a goat. He says the weirdest ship to comedians too. He'll be like he knows certain phrases, but he doesn't understand it. So like in the green room and would be like, you know, there's somebody opening for me and be like, hey, how much time do you have? And I'm like, don't have comedians like how much time they have. It's actually weirdly insulting the thing with him that's fascinating is that like he never he really doesn't give a funk because emotionally he's a desert like and he doesn't think about what people think about him, which would be so often do you ever think about what your life would be if you didn't have that, because you're already like you already have a piece of that to be able to go on stage and talk about yourself so vulnerably, Like a lot of people look at you and go, wow, she doesn't care what people think because you're just saying well, which is a compliment. I love when people say that to me, like you're so brave, you you have so much on confidence. I'm always like, oh my god, it's the opposite of that, but I'm happy they think of it that way. What what next level thing could you be capable of if you didn't care what people think? Like do you study him and like get to like kind of see what that would be? Like I do watch him, um, because like I mean, oftentimes he's doing something that's like humiliating to me, like like home meets somebody for the weekend on the road, and I'll be like, he's a thing where he says people's names a lot to them um like method because he doesn't know how to like socialize normally, so he'll be like, you know, he'll be like, Craig, great weekend, Good to meet you, Craig. You're a solid guy, and I want to say thank you for all you've done for us this weekend, Craig. And I'm like, his name is Jeff. You did, doesn't give a fuck, Like like do you want to say something? He's like yeah, comes out in the wash like like that's not the proper use of It's funny. He cares enough to be to do like a Dale Carnegie method, like how to get when friends and influence people say their name a lot, but then he folks up the name, doesn't care. Yeah, that's how he communicates. It's all like based on like the books he saw how he was supposed to interact because the rest of the time he's just thinking of like fires and like building codes. Like the titles are like exhausting. They're like how did you get to the top of every mountain? They're all about winning, like how to manipulate parties, like oh my god, I saw Rachel's our um last month in l A and like She's probably one of the only comedians that I would take time out of my life when I don't have a set to like. I ended up picking up a set that night, but I was already gonna be there, and so I was like, oh, I guess I'll go next door. But I was already gonna be there to see you. I was like, I'm just gonna go enjoy comedy and Chris and I laughed so fucking hard, and I was hoping that he would kind of here the big guy think, except that now we say big guy, like, I know that so lame to like take someone else's joke, but like and make it your own as a couple. It's not even lame. It's cute. I think. I'm always so flattered when people do that with anything, when they reference a joke I made like four specials ago, and I'm like, oh my god, I forgot about that. But we always now when he comes in the door, is that big guy is like that just like it's so funny, right, and um, but this weekend I kind of stole out of your playbook because what I like about that joke is that you actually add on a part where you said you were so happy when he first saw you do that joke on stage and why was that excited? Because I was like, oh, now he's gonna get it because it really did well. And I was talking about how I walk in the door and he's like he always says it with this like wacky confusion, like it's anyone's guests with me. So I talked about how insulting it is. The crowd laughs. I walk right over to him and I'm like, well, he goes what they loved it. I'm like you, it's at you. They're laughing at how sad it is that my husband calls me bang I and how unfortunate that situation is for me. But he thinks it's like that was because this weekend I was like, I was doing this bit that I wrote years ago about trying to get my boyfriend to compliment me, and I would like, you know, prance around naked in front of him, trying to get his attention to say anything about my body, and he one time looked up from his phone and he just goes body and then he looks back at his phone like he just said. But like that's all he could give me. But to get into it, I said something that has been like a little bit annoying me, but like not big but because I do it too. But I think it's something that like prevents us from being closer, is that we don't say I love you, or like what are you doing tonight? Or like I can't wait to see you? We talk in third person, he goes, I miss a gal. A guy misses a gal, A guy loves a gal, Like it's always like telling a story of like a Jack and Jill went up the hill, like it's always. But the audience laughed so hard. I was like, thank you for understanding how this is a problem for me. Like when the audience gets it and you or something like that and they respond to it, you're like, oh good, Like I'm not crazy to be a little bit like disappointed that we both can't say I and you satisfying to have them agree with you. It's like our final arguments to the world stand up. It's just like and we rest our case. But then Petle' see me talk about him, and he's just like, what they loved it? All he knows is that they liked the bit. He doesn't it doesn't know what that exactly, Like what he thinks you're welcome, babe. I'm like no, but he doesn't understand the irony, so it's he only gets worse and I keep sending Rachel. Rachel and I have both expressed to each other in private conversations of like how we like that tenderness, like that that that slip back, like lower back leading you into a room, just that protective gentleness that we've really never gotten from any guy, not you know, not just our person we're with now. But I will just send Rachel pictures of like people in public that I see that are getting that, like women. I've really said, you like five or six different iterations of that gentleness, just to be like, because I feel so alone in like really wanting that so badly that I feel so good when I'm like, have someone to send it to of like I know she will feel the same yearning that I feel for this. I want to talk about it when we get back from break. But have you seen the Harry and Megan doc I was about to say, They always say he was very protective over her. He was always concerned in his safe like no one's ever been wondering, like what I'm doing over there? How I know, no, man, they're always like she's good. Well that's because his mom died and so he's like scared she's going to die in like some kind of free like. I think that's probably part of it, but I want to get into that a little bit more when we get back from this break here with Rachel Feinstein, I'm gonna this podcast will be right back after this. Besties in the midwestias. Um. I am imploring you that if you don't have New Year's Eve plans, why don't you come to St. Louis, Missouri and come see me at the Steeples Center. It's probably one of the biggest shows I've ever done in terms of like capacity for him and I really want to sell this bitch out and I want you there. So if you don't have plans, or you need a last minute Christmas gift or like a fun trip for yourself, even alone, you know, I do um free meet and greets. Uh if you are coming alone, um, and if you're bestie and you just write me and you buy a ticket, I'll give you a meeting. Great anyway, even if you're going with someone, so um. St. Louis New Year's Eve days away, go get your tickets now. It would mean so much to me and I hope to see you there and happy holidays and all that. Jazzz Alright, we're back. Okay, So did you watch the Noah as well? Did have you seen any the Harry and Megan Netflix docuseries. I just saw the controversial clip one where she's doing the curtsy. Yes, Oh, it's so good, Rachel. Have you seen that every frame? Oh my god, how good is his face? And that I put it on my story yesterday, you guys if you want to check it out or actually it'll be gone by now. But I saw that when he was doing that when she didn't, and he was furious. Oh he looks to the side like is this almost over? Which, by the way, I know that men have made that face next to me a million times as I'm acting out something that I know. By the way, she knew that pisces him off, like that was such a perfect interaction of a couple. So if you don't know, she's doing an impression of how she curtsy the first time she met the queen, because she thought she was like, she's making fun of the royal family and how dumb all of the stuff is and she is right, by the way, it is all dumb, all this pageantry bullshit, it's dumb, and she's making fun of like how they taught her to curtsy, and then she meets the queen and she's like and I literally went like this, and she bends down to be like, oh, you know, like and curtsies and it's so slow and awkward. And he's sitting next to her in this interview and he looks over to the right to kind of look at a producer like and then he looks down like his face goes through so many different emotions than he tries to smile to get out of it. But you know she was doing that because she knows that pisses him off. Do you agree, Like, I know, yeah, now that you say it, that makes a lot of sense. Why do you think that it was passive aggressive because she because listen, she's she knows she's right. This is how I feel whenever I just mouthed off about being a vegan. I know I'm right and no one can fucking really prove me wrong about it, but I know it upsets people still. So it's like there's a thing, there's a part of me when I'm in like a certain kind of mood where I'll go off about something that I know that someone you know what I'm it's passive aggressive, like perfectly, and she knows that he grew up with that, and so he's deep in his core he does feel like that's the right thing to do to curtsy, and there's nothing wrong with it. But he knows logically, because he's a smart man, that it is stupid that she is. She knows he's he knows she's right. It's almost like if you were to make fun of religion, like someone who kind of like was raised Catholic and you're making front of like Catholicism. They know now like it's all bullshit, but there's a core of them that was like, well, this is my family that you're talking about, and I think and my mom like who's dead. Like there's a part of him that was annoyed. But I just love I love that seen so much. But I really couldn't watch documentary because I was so like jealous of her, and then I liked her a lot that way about me, nobody's ever had eyes like fluttering towards me, like it's I've never gone through that period of falling for somebody where I always because the thing is, I'm not able to keep that voice up, like that delicate voice when you have to kind of hold onto when someone's falling in love. My voice gets real gangernous and low, real fast, So I'm not able to keep it up, like I can't. I can do that for like half an hour and then lovingly and pirate, Like remember the first night she met him, she goes out and she kept like even though she met him and they kind of both knew instantly, like there's a spark here, she kept her engagement for later that evening, so she had to leave. Like whereas me I would have been like, I'll cancel everything for you, like I'm going to move here, she like still went out and was like I can't hang out that long with the fucking Yes. This girl masterful and I am wrapping up Megan. I used to be I used to not be a fan of hers, and I know it's because of what the press put out there, Like I am now such a huge fan of hers. She is so smart. She if you if you watch the documentary, this girl was already do like she was Princess Diana like she's already doing humanitarian work when she was just on Suits. She and she kind of brags for a minute about being like, you know, when my off season for Suits, I wasn't the show she was on in Canada. She was like, you know, I I wasn't looking for the next indie project that was gonna win me awards. I was, you know, flying to Rwanda to like do And this was before she met Harry, Like she was already she was always thinking that scarf and like and just playing. She's a good person. I like her a lot and she's smart. Remember did you hear the poem she wrote as a kid. She memorized that whole thing. It was like really good station about like women's equality and the soap commercial and ship that was crazy. I mean she got a soap commercial changed because it said like women across the country hate doing dishes and she wrote into like Dawn soap and was like as a little girl and was like why you say all women across the country. Why can't it be all people men do dishes too? You're making it And she got it changed. They changed the commercial like this is she's a little tenacious girl and she I loved Tim Dillon I posted this yesterday, had a bit where he's like he was talking about how she was like I was the smart one. I wasn't the hot one. He was like, yeah, because you weren't hot, but now you are so drop it, Like He's like, you had to be. But I like that she was kind of awkward looking and like I like her. Yes, I I definitely felt like I felt like her old outfits. I was like, Okay, she was hot when she was like, she started being hot when she as soon as she was in high school, where like maybe yeah, when she was really little, she was like yeah, she just looked like a normal kid. And so it's kind of satisfying to see like that she became like insanely, when did you figure it? Outrage? Because you keep getting better looking? Um, and I'm wondering, and you really do. And I knew that face was going to follow this, but I'm serious, Like every time I like see you on Instagram, I'm just like, oh my god. And you know, me and my boyfriend are big fans of Rachel fine Stein's looks and we share like like clips and be like she looks so good. You're just so pretty, but like it takes so long to figure this stuff out, like to figure out gangerdnus acne in high school, like I needed operation for my act. I needed to be like I had zits that were just like I mean, appalling, Like I don't know how I was just I was hurling my body around it being outside. I've always had the kind of skin where like it can't survive many different temperature changes. That's why I'm always fascinating to see people like outside on dates, like we went for a hike, like Megan, seems like that sleep outside and intent with a fucking guy like that. I could never do that. That would one He'd see me one day in some fucking bold light, some African sunlight, and he'd be like, this girl's gotta go. She's jacked up. Also has skin sensitivity to the sun. No, you're you have like, uh, you have have skin malasma and my my pores are huge. I'm this. I hear what you're saying. Reach. I gotta say though, that I think that there is some runoff PTSD from when you had terrible skin in high school rage because I think now you there's body dysmorphia going on, which I'm sure you have to like acknowledge a little bit because I know that sometimes like someone will say something like a makeup artist or something. Nowadays we'll say something that will trigger you to be back in that moment, but it's like it just isn't that way anymore. Do you feel like haunted by that when it was such an issue for you? And do you still feel like because even um, who was I someone was talking about, I'm still that person that was like with someone who loses weight is still a fat but they still feel fat. You know, like, do you feel haunted by it? I mean, right now, I could like I feel like my skin is okay right now. But just like last week, I was doing Billy Burr's podcast and I was like actively peeling, like I was just like my whole I have to use retin it. So there's always a lot going on. It's a it's a cocktail of things I have to do to like sort of patch my face up. Everybody stopped beating off at home and focus on, um, it's just cool your erections. It is tough, but it's not as bad as it was in high school. And I'm sure, I mean, you know, I don't know. Sometimes I tell myself, I go, you know, you see it, other people don't see it. And then I walked into the comedy seller and ZiT. And then Keith Robinson goes, why is Rachel z It winking at me? So so media, It's like that are always real healthfully, like Rachel Zick keeps flirting with me right at all? Why would you go outside with that? So that's the thing. Also, when you're around comedians, like even if you're starting to get more confident, not comedians like Nicky, because Nikki will take care of me and be lovely and say encouraging things. But like, if you're around these animals, all the male comics are, I mean, they'll just Keith was like, I got dressed. I thought I was freaking taking a few good risks. He was like, why does ChIL dressed like she shops and suburban outfitters like that? It's so funny because and it is. I will say though that if you had a terrible acne situation, no one would comment on it, do you know what I'm saying, Like, unless you were doing a roast or something. Unless that's when someone calls out something that is egregious, but no one's gonna make a comment about your zi if you're someone that they think like you think they struggle with zits or no one's gonna make fun of someone who is obese. It's called them fat unless they like but maybe if they were a little pudgy, you know what I mean. Like, if it's a huge issue, you're not going to call it out. But I do know how you feel. Like I will feel probably feeling so good about myself, and then you know, for me, it'll be like I'll be around another girl who I know is already prettier than me, but I'm like, hey, I'm kind of in the same league, or like i feel like I feel like I'm I feel good about myself. It doesn't even matter if I'm in the same league. And then that girl will get up from the table or like go to another some thing, and then the people at the table with me and will go, god, she's so pretty, Like it's so insane, Like the keeping praise that other people get will then, you know, really hurt me as opposed to something that maybe so I think people know I'm so insecure that they don't make fun of me, and I don't hang out with male comics really ever that are that comfortable to make fun of me physically, umure, just trying. It's I have my dad's legs. Like this, I realized the stuff that I get complimented for where people are like, oh my god, what do you do with your legs? And I go, I just was born, Like so many things, you're just born with. You're not doing anything like I do want to know, like what people are doing to their faces when they do really change radically, like what kind of face clips. I'm up studying all these things. But the things that people go, Nikki, you have the best legs, I won't take the compliment because I didn't do anything to get them. I just I have my dad's legs, like I was just born with them. So I can't even take the compliment, which is dumb, because if I worked for it, I'd go, well, I just worked out that's all I had to do. It's not even really me, you know, like I can't some way I'd figure out not to to deflect it. But um yeah, it's just I feel like every day is uh, it just it changes of my It's more consistent now of like since I'm doing these mantras of like I approve of myself. I approve of myself, Like I've been saying that a lot. Whatever you also say about like the girls that you think look really good, Um, they can never hear it enough because they all work so hard on it. Not that it's good to keep, you know, feeding that, but I'm just saying, like, you know, the the girl that you think like because people look at you and they're like, she's like absurdly or rationally hot. But you always point out that the girls that look like that, they're putting a lot of work in so they do in fact need the compliment, or they'd welcome it at least. So yes, you know, because they're always just like caring, so caring more. It's my prettiest friends are so desperate for compliments, and I'm always just like, but it's a given, and so I sometimes just have to convince myself, oh yeah, that's why people are complimenting you. It's just a given, Nikki. But there are times though that I would like to like be able to not be like. We also live in a culture where if I'm like, I look gross today, people are like no, and it's like, but sometimes I do, and that should be okay, you know what I mean, Like the idea that it's like, no, you don't, don't say that. It's like I'm not saying I don't deserve love. I'm just saying I look haggard and that's just a fact, and that it's it's okay, but people go, no, you're beautiful on the inside or whatever. You know, it's just like now I can just be gross one day it's okay, but it's you know, you still struggle with it. I um, I was on dem MOI the other day or a couple of weeks ago. Do you know what is okay? So it's like this Instagram account where they just do gossip about celebrities. I'm sure you've heard of it or like maybe been sent something of it, but it's all like people just right in um about celebrities, either like they're friends with someone who's sleeping with a lister or like it's just all gossip and it's all blind items where it's like they sometimes they'll say the person's name, but it's just all users submitted from piddling. You know something, Yes, I only think I would never do those things, like so I'm like, I, God, I should start going to Magnolia so people know there's like there's really are five restaurants you can go to and you will see someone or like, you know, just like cackling like some sort of day day drinking at like some perfectly impeccable place. Yes, well, Rachel, you and I could absolutely submit to Dunma Noah, you as well. Like the things we know about celebrities like this is who submitting is like friends of celebrities who have inside scoop and so they I mean they'll report about affairs happening, choking on her water and his soul. Yes, yes, that is literally what happens, coughing up flamin of filings. Amount. Well, I've only been on it a couple of times, and when you get on it, you're kind of like, oh man, I'm someone like the fact that my name, well, one of them I won't even say. It was like ages ago and it was um, it was I was like whatever. And that that one I'll skip and maybe talk about it another time when I have more distance. But then there was one the other day where so it's dem d e U x m O I and on their their Instagram stories where everything goes down. Their page itself is nothing but the Instagram story. And she posted like, tell me about celebrities weird foods you've seen them eat like, and so people are just submitting, like every single they've saw Sean Penn eating a hot dog without the bond or what like, they'll just like say, and someone wrote, no, what you have the exact phrasing. Saw Nicky Glazer dump an entire pepper shaker on her seemingly dry salad. Okay, So I got a lot of people writing me about this and screenshoting it and being like, oh busted, there's so much truth to this. I love pepper, always have. I as a kid, I hated the taste of scrambled eggs, so I would dump all the pepper on it. Would you couldn't even see egg. I love pepper. I can handle it's not too spicy. I used to do this on salads a lot. I think that's probably around two eighteens. Someone saw this and the but the dry salad thing really bothers me because this sounds like an anorexic person, which I definitely do have anorexic food tendencies, no question, because I was for a very long time, and some of them have carried over to just things I actually like. But a dry salad. I do not have dry salads. That is something that is a deprivation thing. I think anyone who says they like dry s out is lying. They're just trying to avoid calories. You don't You're doing that is not something I do anymore. If it was a dry salad is because they didn't have vegan dressing or any dressing that I liked, Like they only had like ranch or something. But I would never and so I would never do that. I just want to clear the air on that because but it just upset me because I was like, it just sounded like an like if I read Scarlett Johanson to that, I'd be like, fuck diet. I'm like, yeah, I get it because like the person that does that, it makes them sound like a little bit. It's not it's not a good lot. It's crazy. But you I feel like, um, I've never seen you eat a dry salad. You you have the most specific orders and and I feel like you, Nikki, A lot of her friends are all very hot blondes um that I eat like a lot of tubuli and grains and eat certain sauces on the side and oils on the sun. Whenever I'm with you guys and I try to imitate your orders something we all well, we all have histories of eating disorders, so we all have like these very specific like things that But I love sauces, I love dressings, and you have dressings on your salad. But I definitely don't like it. Like it's like it's it's very cute. It's like the way Meg Ryan would order and when Harry met s it's obnoxious. And I'm sure it is like a talk of the seller, like of like Nikki's fucking order because the whole table was filled with different sides of things. I tip very well whenever I'm this demanding. I've got more lax in my older life of like, okay, so they put on the salad, who cares Like it's going to be more than I want, but like just eat it, like just get eat what they give you. But um, yeah, it was just it made me realize very well and take care of everybody and are very lovely. I am also so annoying in stories and restaurants, people can tell immediately I'm from New York. When I'm in l A. It takes them fucking seconds to be like, oh, you're here from New York, I'm wearing like a black cape, and what what are some of your demands? Where do you like shine? When you're like in that way of being rush and I try to act like that, I am, and I can't. I never really fall in sync with that l A way of speaking that kind of like hey, like the conversation before the conversation, you know, like I feel like there's there's a fucking little just I just sound impatient, I sound like a twat, and then I try to overdo it after with the compliments and the tip, but I'm apologizing for how the whole time. Yes, I feel the same way about this conversation before the conversation. I my boyfriend early on in a relationship coined glazer exits, which is like as soon as I want to leave, I just go. I don't do a whole thing of like I don't think I'm probably gonna take off. I don't even know how that works. When people just kind of put their bag on their shoulder and kind of like signal to people they are gonna leave or they need to like announce they're gonna leave and then talk about leaving or like a fairy godmother Nikki's out like a like, I just go and it's it's not because I'm like I got offended and I need to leave on a time. It's just like when I want to. Everyone has a moment where they go, I want to go, and I think most people go, I'm gonna be like socially more acceptable and ease into the going. I just go, and it's not an insult to anyone. I just want to go, and it's it is hasty, and I do know that people get like triggered by it because abandonment issues and it's probably a little bit of my own thing of like I don't like goodbyes, so I just kind of want to vanish and then I don't have to. It's a good fucking Irish exit. I respect it. I like, thank you, thank you so much. It's a fucking rap. I I always call an uber to get out because I don't know how to say good bye to people. And I show the uber screen and I go, oh, he's here. We'll speaking up. We gotta take a break and we'll be right back after this all right, We're back with Rachel Feinstein. You can see her on New Year's Eve at the punch Line, Philly punch Line, is that right? Helium Helium and helium Helium, don't go to the punch line. Please don't um Helium and Philly. That's a good club. I love Helium. I do too. As I'm trying to figure out where to shoot my special, I've gotta find a theater with like lower lower. Yes, that's my next special too. I want it to be more intimate and small like low like that is absolutely I can't wait for your next special, Rachel. It's when I play in like an auditorium like type of I always it reminds me of school. When I even smell a school, I I'm just like, oh, I never want to go back because I stuck it up so bad. Yeah, I'm gonna have to with my daughter. But yeah, I had like I was in detention so much. I had like a detention dance. I just like the head of thing everybody. When I walked into detention, I was like attention. You weren't a bad kid, you were just a d d yes, but I was also bad, like I brought whippets, tanks to school a lot. Wait, because I'm guessing you were trying to make friends and be popular. Yeah, I loved whippets too. I was, um, and uh, what do they feel like? You just laugh a lot. It's like I can't smoke pot because it accentuates every quality I've been trying to erase, you know. So I like whippets. I want to laugh and have a fun, loving time if like, if I smoke pot, you know, I just like think people want me to to leave and don't care for me. But um, I was pretty into But I would get in trouble for you know, for talking, for running my goddamn mouth. I've always been that for mocking ship and um I had the teacher, Miss Volo, and I would do an impression of her. She would sort of lunge and do this kind of lunge action phrases. She was always trying to make history fun and using her body with histories. She knew I had impression of her, so I'd get like a lot of time outs and stuff. So you were like the class clown like they talked about like you had. I was in trouble a lot. I mean, we my my first high school. Um, I was just getting DC and after and it was like an emergency. There was like nightly meetings about me. And then they took me to this other school called Thornton Friends, which I didn't realize was like a school where they sent the bad kids. Everybody called it snorton fiends. And so then they sent me to warn Fiends because I wasn't going to graduate. And all of your friends from high school you went to a new what what what great? Did you transfer? Junior year of high school transferred? And then, um, I would miss my old friends. Yeah. I would pass by my friend Lisa Kaplan, I remember, and when I would see her, we both drive to high school. I was driving my mom's Pontiac Glamans. Saw Lisa try to make her laugh. Had to get a laugh, so I tried to do a like impression of someone driving or something at the ups truck um and totaled my mom's Lamons. And then it was such a tiny school that the police officer picked me up. I was weeping. He was kind of holding me, and um, kind of weeping on his arm. I was hit on hand, hit on me and and he dropped me off in school but there was only, like, you know, fifteen kids in this school, like so, so everybody saw me come in in the cop car, and I remember calling my mom another example where somebody's not protected, being like I was in an accident but I'm okay, and she's like, well, how's the damn Lamon's ship Lamon's. She was always like, shit, Rachel, you know I need that Lamon's. I knew this was gonna happen. I think everyone got into an accident in high school, like you, Yeah, I got into well, I hit a garbage man with my car when I was sixteen, like just ran over a garbage man and almost killed him. He sued me four years later. It was like a whole fucking thing. But my sister got into an accident. I think it's insane that we let kids on the road with no actual formal driving instruction. I mean, you could just learn from your dad in a parking lot for an hour and then go ace the test because you have a good day, and then you're just out on the road. I mean it would be I would be terrified. I was driving wildly, just like assuming the night. It's amazing we didn't die. Going rogue like that. It was a terrible idea. Do you are you your daughter? How old is she now about to be four? Frankie is two and a half. Yeah, she's she's it's weird. That's like she's coming to life. Yeah, Like she calls me sweetie. She goes, go ahead, sweetie, Like when I leave the like she just missed, I'm gonna go to the cellar. I'll be back in the morning. She goes, I'll go ahead, sweetie. I'm like, don't talk to me like you're like an older waitress. I just wiped your ass. She's like, and she listens like that. She listens like just not She's like, how stand has retirement, you know, it's an adjustment, adjustment that's actually listens like she's been there. She's just hilarious. Do you see do you see her being like intentionally funny yet or is it all just unintentionally? She does both. I mean she has a lot of like voices, she has a lot of faces that she makes in the mirror, and she's definitely like she's a ham. She also speaks Spanish fluently, and we don't speak Spanish. She goes to his Spanish daycare, so she a lot. So that's kind of funny, like she's always happy with me. In Spanish, she's like and she says yeah yeah, which I'm like, no Spanish speaking person said a racist impression of a Spanish Yeah. Yeah, she's always she's had it with me because she just errands around the room and she's like up to things. You know, I've become like an impediment. She's like, come on, like I'm trying to do this thing. I'm trying to put all your jewelry in this cart and push it down the stairs. Bitch, get off my dick, you know. Working. Yeah, she's always doing some weird matter. Yet she sounds incredible. Are you having this like morning period, like she's not a baby anymore? Like are you having is it? Do you get sad at different stages that they go into? Are you excited for the next one? I am definitely glad that she's not like a little because it's just like so exhausting. And then you're always like, oh, she could die, she could die. Every second you're just like, she almost died, she's about to die, she almost died. It's just she almost side, she's about to die. So I wasn't good with that, and then Pete has no instincts with that, so like he would. He took her to the park one day. He was trying to put her on the big swing. He was like, I'm teaching her. I'm like, she's six months. She would have immediately died. What the fuck. He's like, I'll just teach, you know, we can't teach her anything. No teaching, she's six months, Like, you'll do stuff where I'm like, oh my god. One day I walked in, he was trying to give her a carrot. He's like, I'm teaching her about carrots. Some fucking carrot, you moron. Let me teach her a ship. What are you doing? And he's like, I know. He goes relix, I know infant CPR because she's he's a fireman on the kid. He's like, she choked. I would know how to help her. I'm like, no, you just don't give her a carrot, you deep asshole. And then do you Whenever I leave, he like he always puts her in a black turtleneck and like these same jeans. I don't even know where he gets this stuff. He dresses her like Steve Jobs, Like whenever I'm not there, but it's always when she's a baby because I'm like always afraid of different things, um so, and and there's been like active construction. So I'm glad that she's running around now. And you know, like I'm I like to talk. Ship. Pete's like more of a doer. He gets, you know, he's like we did that Languages of Love thing, and he's like he's like, you know, acts of service, an active service. Who gives I want ship? So she when he was little, it was like he was good at the change in the diper, like all that kind of stuff. I like to talk so she can hang. Now she like says some funny stuff. It's more fun. It's not all this. It's less like just manual and like I had to take her to parks. I hate parks. Yes, a woman like pushing a swing. I assume she needs to be rescued. It's just such a bottomized activity, like the pushing. It's like you should be wearing some sort of medical gown while you're doing it, you know. So he would take her to parks and things like that, and now there's more like I can talk to her and hang with her, and I'm better at that. Yes, that's where I want to come in as a mom. It's like I love that now that my sister's kids are, Like I like talking to them. I like like like when they sit down to draw and I get to like hear what they're drawing and ask them about it and like that is like my favorite time. But like doing things, that's such an interesting thing, Like the love language is like I don't and I like buying gifts for them. I like buying gifts and I like talking to them, but I don't. Yeah, that's the fun part. But um, I was actually like you talking about like the CPR thing like do you are you haunted by things of like this could happen? And then what would I do? Like do you run a million? Is constant stress like that because even last night I was like I live alone, Like what if I start choking? Like what would I do when I was like running through Like what I would do alone? I think I would survive because I would came when came up with several scenarios of like you know, hurling myself over a chair or just like thudding into the ground just chest first. But like I if I start doing that, like you can there's a thousand scenarios where you're like, what would I do? Do you do you find? And that's what makes me kind of worried about being a mom is like over worrying um or becoming somebody ever worries he's gonna hurt herself. But UM, for myself, I don't really worry. I don't think about death too much. I just worry if people are mad at me, you know, like you think much more about that. Like I've never think about death because yeah, again, it's just I'm too vain in other ways to death. How might help you with being people being mad at you? Because everyone's gonna die. The other day, my friend was worried someone's gonna be mad at her and go just know that their thoughts about you will be vapor someday, just like everything else. And she was like, oh, that helps, And I was like, that does help me. When someone's mad at me, I'm like, they're just their brain is going to shut off someday and every thought they have about me will go with them too. But I know what you mean to merge those two because I feel like when I like when people were really worked up about in the beginning, when COVID was much more dangerous and stuff and everybody was. I was so annoyed because I was like, I don't care about germs. I don't want the germ people to be right, Like, oh god, you're so right. Let it be a genre I enjoy, like true crime or something movie like pandemic films like don't yes, final thought, yes, but I don't care either. You and I are so on the same page about this, like I when people go, yo, you gotta wash your hands after, Like I'll do a meet and greet and then I'll just go right for my food after shaking literally two D fifty hands and having people like kiss my face and I'll forget to wash my hands. It's just if I but if I touch a dog, I can feel the damneder on my hand. If I feel something actively on my hand, I will wash my hand. But if I don't feel it, if I can't see it, I don't care. And it's probably why I'm sick right now. But I rarely do get sick. But yeah, I totally relate to that of like COVID made me. You know, everyone was washing their groceries and like wipings down things and that was a real struggle for me to pretend like I was doing that ship. Yeah, I can't. I don't give a fun I don't do any gross one. I apologize if anything, but I'll stip off anybody's drink. I remember my brother was like that too. I remember one time I was at this pizza place visiting him in Boston where he went to school for college, and drunk guy came up, just like some drunk drunk like frat funk, look like he just like graduated from like rape Tech or some ship. And he walked, we're eating pizza, and this guy walks up to the window like he and my brothers has a holding a piece of pizza and he walks up like this. My brother instinctively knew that the guy wanted to pretend like he was licking my brother's pizza. They gave like a quick, like blumbs up pizza up to the window, and the guy was like, and he just licked all the way up the window just to ironically eat my brother's dub slice. And they both were like, and I actually related to that moment. I was like, that is a funny thing to do, and I wouldn't even wouldn't even consider to me, like how Ran said that was to look away when something drops on the floor, Like we're at a show, and I think I've said this on the pud guess before. But I dropped my invisiline on the floor and I picked it up, and I was about to go on stage, so I took them out. They fell on the floor, and then I just put them back in my pocket, and Chris looked at me like, no, you gotta wash them, and I go, I'll wash them later. And then later on I put him back in and he goes, not not and I go, it doesn't. It doesn't. I can't see it. And they didn't fall into a pile of vomit, so it's gonna be okay. I just don't care. Um. I remember one time I was on a trip with my sister, like five day trip or something, and I forgot my toothbrush, so I was just using hers when she wasn't like to brush my like every day and night and morning, because I kept forgetting to get one when we would stop at a gas station or whatever. And by the end of the week, I remember, at one point we were both brushing our teeth together and so she caught me not having a tooth. She was like, you don't have a Toothbruson. I go, oh, I forgot mine, and she goes, what have you been doing? Oh? And so I had this like weird moment where do I tell her I've been using hers or does she just think I'm gross and haven't brush my teeth for a week? And I had to tell her. She was horrified. Yeah, I don't care though, Like it's first of all, it's I mean, that's a little bit girl. I get it, like I get what people. He wants me not. He wants me to stop I use his and I'm like, you do, Yeah, I with him, but I but I exactly he did exactly. But I've always been like that. Nobody wants me to mix my stuff with the alwa put your pile over there, because they know it's ransom stuff. Like I'm always as soon as I touch people's things, they become there's a certain vulgar to them. I remember this lady one saying one of the things that hurt most when I was on stage. I'm not name dropping, but I was playing at like the Hebrew Home for the Aging and the bronx Um. I could hear this woman talking about me, and two things that always stay with me. One woman goes, something must have gone wrong in the early years. I was like, oh my god, that's so fucking acting right. She had a pin on her. I'll never forget that. She had a pin on her. And she was violently shaking and so disgusted with me. And I think about how much energy it must have taken, with fucking shaking like that to get that fucking prince on her stupid lapel and just only to become downstair to be so enraged by me. She had fucking a perfect like aquanette sculpture, peach sculpture on her head, and she's just sitting there like something must have gone wrong in the early like just disgusting. And she also said, I'll never forget this lady. Um she she's probably died during my show. But she goes, I in the middle of my set and she goes, there's a vulgarity, not just in the language, it's just there's a general not just in the language, like a general just statue. She had me down. I'm like, fuck, she's right, goddamn it. The worst. Whenever someone asked me like what's your worst heckle? The only thing that ever has stuck in my cross is one girl, a hot girl in the front row, going you just any kind of like that's just an e from an attractive person, more than anything, Like more than you're not funny, you're not talented, you're whatever. It's just an ew of like no one needs to know that, Like you're kind of oversharing. Like you know, if I'm eating dinner and like part of my food falls onto the table, I'm a clean plate club person. Like I eat everything that I like and it will all get eaten no matter what I don't. I've never had like to go containers in my life of like I've never taken home anything. It all gets consumed. I will, but if depending on who I'm eating with, because I know people are so grossed out by like it touched the table, I like, wait till you look away and sneak the piece of food back on the plate so that I can eat it, because but I will not. I'm so I respect people so much who like if something falls off onto the table, They're like not gonna eat that, and they like put it on the side. I could never do It's like a bite of food that I would want. I could never do that. I want to eat the way preserve that little Jesus cracker that they give Catholics, a little Jesus cheeseus thing. I loved where they lower it Jesus. I love the way they like lower it into your face. That's how I want all my snacks served to me, just like kind of like laid back gently like that and just had things plopped on my tongue. I don't know, God someday will accept ourselves. Rachel. I swear to God, I love you so much. Thank you for being here on this podcast. Lightful, You're the best. You make me so happy. I'll continue sending pictures of men comforting their girlfriends and wives and just different animals caressing each other. What was that right? I just wanted to say that that girl that said like you, it reminded me of those couples that are on date nights and there's always like I always feel so judged by that couple, Like again, the guy's got his hand on her lower back and she's like, like, I feel like I bring those couples closer together, Like yes, they're gonna bond in the car on the way home. It's fun, you know, to laugh at that fucking you know, it's just at that raunch, fucking broad for an evening, but not a hard life she must have, and they just kind of talk about how, oh god, I feel like they they see me, and then they just hold onto their wives a little more. Lady, I should appreciate her like together. Uh you guys, go see Rachel on tour anywhere you can see her. Follow her on in Instagram. She is one of the best accounts out there. Support her in every way. She's my favorite comic, one of my favorite people too. I love you so much, Rage, thank you for being here much. Thank you, thank you both. Thank you my girl. Don'teka aunt Jack Patt

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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