Between you and Nikki she is psyched to go on tour this summer. Andrew comes in singing and very quickly he and Nikki look more into his "asterisk". You Heard it Here First! A good amount of friends, keyboard shortcuts and the best way to hold Nikki. They Finish Each other's sentences and Andrew shares his joy of being in a relationship in the Final Thought.
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Nick Yes, Nikki, Hello, how's it going. I'm trying to turn up my volume because it's I got a new computer and I don't know how to turn up the volume. Hold on it a second. Oh there we go on your Marina rocking in my ears. Anya is so freaking good. She's going on tour with me the Summer Busties. As as you know, I announced my tour. Maybe you don't know I'm supposed to talk about it yesterday. I heard a lot of things I say I'm going to talk about and then we don't get too I realized it later on in the day when I'm in the shower and my mom's wondering, and I'm like, oh wait, I didn't follow up on that thing. So uh, classic Glazer, unexpected cliffhangers all over the pod, and just bear with me on those. I'll get back to them. And if I don't, you can always d M the show on Instagram or you know, we'll be like, hey, you said you're gonna follow up this thing and you didn't. Um, I d A A d D and I lose my train of thought a lot. But what I was going to wait, what it was just going to say, you're gonna announce your at the tour, okay, because literally, as I was saying that, I thought of four things that I wanted to follow up on, and then I couldn't remember the first one. That is how my mind works. The tour just announced it. I have so much going on, and that's not to be like people don't usually my mindset. When I have so much going on, I'll get to the tour in a second. Don't worry. I won't forget is to go if no one understands my life, like there's only only my assistant understands truly how much stuff I have to do. And I have to say, by the way, I have a new assistant. And yesterday I think we were both giving each other like I was just telling her how impressed I am with her work so far, because she's just killing it and I'm very happy with her and and impressed, you know, because it's not easy to take over someone's life and just do it very seamlessly. And she said back to me, thank you so much, and she was like, I can't believe how much you do, uh something like what did she say? I want to read it because honestly, I just said that I was just going to say that I don't look for validation like I do so much. But I'm just about to tell you guys how much I do, just so you all go, wow, Nikki, you do a lot and know you know how much I do, but I forget that it's a lot, and to me, I don't ever feel like it's enough. Like my big the ironic thing is my biggest like insecurity is that I'm lazy. You know. That's my biggest like fear about myself is that I'm lazy. And um, she wrote to me, I said, thanks for killing it so far as my assistant. I'm really impressed. She said, yeah, I'm so glad. I'm really enjoying it all. I'm impressed by you and how much you do. And that to me was just like, Okay, I got a little confirmation that I do a lot from someone who I know knows what a lot is because when some people say it to me, my mom says it, I'm like, she's just impressed that I've ever done stand up once or that I can like send to emails like that to my mom is like a lot, even though my mom works very hard in her own way, so she can't really. When she gives me a complaint, I'm just like, yeah, it's harder to you because it's just you can't imagine, you know, replying to a text that has been sitting in your inbox parents with their texts alerts. Like you look at your parents phone and my mom has six and twenty two new text messages like in her I like that she just didn't see and I'm like, oh, my mom doesn't not love me. My mom because she didn't text back to that, you know, announcement that I I don't know. I always I tell my parents pretty much everything, but and they always give me so many good accolades. But so when my mom doesn't write me back, that's not when I feel unloved sometimes, But that's just another thing of it. Is like my mom doesn't not love me when or or like doesn't. It's not that she doesn't love me, and she doesn't sometimes I feel she doesn't love me enough, but that's not because she doesn't love me, And that's just my interpretation me being a little bit more emotionally needy than most people. And that's okay, That's who I am, and my mom is just trying her best and she doesn't text back anyone. How do you have? But I have many unread emails, which people look at my emails, how many I have thousands? Three thou right now unread emails? And I have a filter on my inbox that is already eliminating eight percent of my emails. A lot of people get stuck at that filter. But it's called sane box. If anyone's looking for something to take over their email and get in there and like just give you only the good stuff because you just can't subscribe from all this ship. Sane box, I pay like a hundred and something bucks a year and like, I only get emails that are important and and the best part is is that sometimes an important person emails you and it goes into like the because it goes we don't recognize this email. If it's a new email, it shoots it to your all mail, so I gotta check that once a week. But sometimes they you get a really important email from like a famous person that wants something or like it is like wants to connect, and you sit on that for a week because unintentionally, and then you're horrified because you're like, oh my god, this famous person wrote me you write them back a week later, You've just got a week of looking cool for no reason, or look king like you're fucking busy, when really you would have done anything to get that. So it actually it benefits me. And then when you miss one's email, you can literally be like it went to junk. When people say that most of the time they're lying. I do not lie, however, so that's a nice thing. I'm going on tour. Um July, I think is the first date we kick it off in. I forget where. I think it's like San Antonio or somewhere that's a hilarious city to kick things often, but certain Uly the list of shows is just alarming lye long Um. I think it's like thirty four cities that I was able to count kind of haphazardly on the phone yesterday when I was talking to my agents. Um, so many cities, you guys. I'm fucking pumped. I gotta be honest. In the past, when I've gone on tour, like, I've done one theater tour before. It was in two thou twenty. I got through like fourteen dates of it, and theaters are very different than clubs. I've been doing clubs my whole life. Clubs are fucking great. I miss clubs. You don't make as much money as clubs at clubs, and you gotta work harder, you know, the club be going on a third start out as a comic, you going on like a Thursday, and you do Thursday through Sunday. Then you get more famous and you only have to do Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Then you get a little bit more famous, only Friday Saturday. For me, I wasn't loving that as much later in my club career because I like like make you know, I like a routine. By the time I'm in Cleveland on the fifth night, I have like a place I like to eat, I like to go to the gym at this time, I have my little spots, I know my way around little Downtown. You're going in and out of the city. You can't really get a feel if you're in for one night. But that's what this tour is. It's called one Night with Nikki Glazer. Sometimes I am doing two shows or two nights, so you know, but it's really only it's about what I wanted to encapsulate in that title. I was originally going to name it. What was the original name. It was funny coming for Myself, that was original title, but it just felt to like me myself, it's all about me, and I just didn't like if I saw someone's post that, I'm like, I've seen that girl before, Like this is what I was trying to target with the name. I've seen that girl before. I recognize her from some things I can't even tell which. I think she was on a Wendy's commercial, Like that's what they see whether they go if they can't really place me and there with a group of people and there's in a college town or something, and the posters up on the fucking phone poll and they're like, oh, wait is that and they go coming for myself? Oh, it's like that's funny. I guess she's talking about coming but waste again. And and then I have this picture where I'm like me, it's just like stand up is already so self serving. I don't want this to be one night about mice, Like I don't want people to get that vibe, even though that's all I can say is my experience. I don't want to tell someone recently said that my stand up is like a big lecture, and I'm like that doesn't feel good. I don't want to tell people how to live. I'm telling you how I things that have made my life better in the funny ways in which they have, like and that's my new This show is going to be like, Uh, You're gonna feel better about yourself. It's gonna open you to some ideas you hadn't thought of before, as you guys are already aware of because you listen to this podcast. So I'm begging the fans to come out because you're gonna hear things that I've brought up on here that only you and I have heard and talked about together, that you're gonna see on stage, like fully formed, or you're gonna see like I was there when that I heard when that was the first said. So I think it'll be cool for you guys. I want to meet you. They'll be v I p UM tickets available in which we'll find some way to hopefully touch and take a picture and talk about um, I don't know, talk about you, because I'll talk about myself a lot. So it's called One Night with Nikki because I wanted it to have my name. I love that. I'm like I was trying to get away from myself, and so I put my name in it. But it's not like the titles for like I need people. I am a brand, So it is important to put your face in your name in everything. And I'm at the point where I'm really proud of what i am, who I am. I like who I am, and so I'm excited to be like I'm Nikki Glazer. There's some things I've done in the past, like I was saying yesterday, that I'm ashamed of and I wouldn't like to be associated with anymore. But that's all a part of me entering into a business when I'm a child and you know, and and figuring out and still feeling like a child. So the tour is so many cities. Let me just we start out in uh San Antonio, Atlantic City, Edmonton, Monterey, California, Napa, UH Wisconsin, Florida, North Carolina, British Columbia, Washington, Manitoba, New York, Georgia, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois, UH, North Carolina, South Carolina, Wisconsin again, Ontario. I mean I could keep going, you guys, there is literally ten more cities. So go to Niki Laser dot com slash tour check out my site nick Laser dot com for um all of those tickets and the pre sales started today and you can use promo code one night to get pre sale tickets. And it's really important to me. If I know you're like, I can't commit to it now, I understand that, and um, but if you if you want to buy tickets, I they are expensive. I realize that they are a big ticket item. And I appreciate so much anyone who pays for to come see me. And I don't want to assume everyone can afford these prices because they are theater prices, um, and I wish I could offer you, uh some financial aid in that, but I don't have a infrastructure to get that going. But someday I hope to, because I want everyone to be able to afford to see me. But the good news is you will. If you miss this show, I will be doing um a special again and then then the next year that will be out in two thousand twenty two, hopefully early, and then you will get to see it then. But if you do muster up the money to come see me, I'll promise you to make it worth your money. And UM, you know, as always if you DM me and you're like I can't afford to calm or whatever, let me know and let me see what I can do for you, because I want to set into motion some kind of way that I can give people something and they don't have to pay for it. Because as always, I love Sam Harris. I talk about him a lot. I have no affiliation with him, but he offers. His podcast is behind a paywall, he doesn't have advertisers. UM and his meditation app Waking Up, which is the best way to start meditating. If you're someone who's like I could never meditate, but you're looking for something to really help you with your depression or your anxiety. I promise you this meditation course is very gentle. It's called the Waking Up App. And um, he doesn't all it's all you pay for the app cost money unless you don't have enough money. If you just right into the web address or like the email address at the end of his app thing. It's amazing that he does this and you say anything, you just go, I want it for free, no questions asked. They will send you a code to give you the podcast, the full length podcast for free. You can get forty minutes of the pot every week for free, but the full length you can get for free. And um, the Waking Up app, which is like, I pay for all these things because I can, and the people paying support the people who can't, which I think is a lovely system that Molto, my therapist, used to use and I ended up paying a lot of money. But I also she was like, it supports the people that I let come to therapy for free. And I love. I love acknowledging the luck and privilege that has led me to be able to afford things. So I hope to someday create a system where I can give back to people who can't. And that's why I always say, um, I like my message today, tip very well. It feels really good. If you can afford it, tip, And if you can't afford it, comes to my show and I'll make it with your while. It'll be a good thing to spend money on. There's gonna be musical guests, there's gonna be special guests. My parents might come along. It's gonna be wild and fun and interactive. Let's get Andrew and here. He'll be there the whole damn time. One Night with Nikki Nikki Glazer dot com slash tour for tickets and here comes Andrew. Andrew, Welcome to the pod blaming all of my roots showed up in boots. What is that? And Garth Brooks? I was just listening to it in the other room. What are you doing? What do you do? Like? Sometimes you're just in your room? Um? Hi, everyone, Andrew's here and uh, we're in our living room right now. Last night we were hanging out. If you you want to see some of our roomy interactions. I think we're gonna start posting to our Instagram story a lot more. I think we should just, like randomly. I just feel so safe talking to our fans and like showing them literally anything I like. I So I think we should just post a more. I'm gonna at least try to. I think I'm going to show the tail on my butt hole to just the fans. The die that we should do a close friends for. Yeah, we should do it. We should do a close friends Sorry you know I wasn't seeing you. We should do a um, we should do a close friends for the Nicker pod. That's making it even more exclusive for people who want to see your butt hole. But no that we can't upload butth holes to Instagram that even if it's private, I don't know I have enough hair, they won't know what it is. We couldn't. We could just it could be Google images of you know, the Grand Canyon, aerial shots of the Grand Canyon. Is that what it looks like? That's what I always picture when you talk about your butth hole. You told me someday it was like it was like there's not a whole, it's just like a space. It was like it's like it's it's very vast, like if the world, if if earthquake happened, and like the ground split like tremors. Is that it? Seriously we draw it for me really quick, like what looks like not as rough as you would think, it's more um okay, I'm getting I'm trying to think what it's like. It's not really like a Grand Canyon. It's like if if you had like a sponge cake gone gone awry, what's like a hole in a sponge cake? Maybe I like you stuck your finger and a sponge cake. I just want to see to scale, okay too scale, Like we're gonna put it on a scale and way, but it's probably like this, right, No about hole is like this. Okay, hold on a butt hole. He drew a circle about like a little bit smaller than a dime, you guys. And I want to say that that's a gaping butt hole. But the hole is always closed up unless you know, it's always looks like an asterix. You just drew toe, Yes, I didn't. I drew an ASTERIXX like a star like sea down below. And that's why that's why you're also is an asterix by the way, it's it's a an end note and it starts at your nipple. You just pull little as your nipple and it says, see my hole is like and then there's like this, and then there's literally he drew and then I'll do some of these things like so around. Okay, so you guys, you know the part of the starfish that's like pink that girls bleached, so his has like little bumps around it that I'm guessing our hamrhoids, right, those are the hammys. And then what's so, where did were the fissures? And is your butt hole different? Because you had animal fissors? So I had a fisher surgery, which so if you've ever had a Fisher. It's a little talked about it. It's a little tear in your butt hole. And so what they do is to man like the worst. It's one of the worst pains listed. Whenever I read read at things, it's like, what's the worst pain you've ever felt? Fishers is always up there. If you have a ship, a pebble, and it feels like literally a boulder of bees just sting you. It would go through those open sores in your button. It was just one cut, fissures, one cut, or maybe it's multiple. So what they do, which is wild, which doesn't make any sense to me, they rip your butt hole. So then it relieves your sphincter too. It relieves the because what's happening is your butt is so tense. Yeah, because it's constantly in pain. Yeah, well I'm spazzing. Is when I was on the treadlall at that ship and my friends said, you're still a spaz. That girl from high school she I think she was just referring to my that you're like my asshole. Yeause, I was like your asshole. It like presses in the buttons too fast seven miles per hour three incline, but for some reason. We talked about dicks, we talked about pussy's all the time. It's so accepted. But when you start talking about the asshole and be like whoa, whoa, not the bottle, Like I feel like the butthole for some reason, because women get hamorrhoids all the time after burke get childbirth, and we do know we're saying hamorrhoids, by the way, we do know that it's hemorrhoids. It's a way like it's a jokey way to say it, So don't write it and be like you guys are saying had um. Yeah, women get them too, And I think that it's really good to talk about the butthole. I I was talking about shaving my asshole hair pretty early on in my career, and I feel like it was the first I was the first one to talk about shaving my asshole and then regretting it and feeling like I believe I said, the hair grows back right away, and it feels like to really like scruffy bearded dudes making out by your asshole, and I don't want that gay ship going by by going on by my asshole. Oh I go, and then you gotta put a wet paper tell between it because I don't want that happening down there. I don't like my asshole's a homophobe, but I was like, ironically, my asshole doesn't like gauge it like I made my asshole there's like homophobe. It's like dude's kissing because that's what it feels like, your ass cheeks rowed together and it's two guys with like you know, it's like Mr Miyagi's hands, but they were hair. There's hair. But now I shave my asshole just every day, like I just it's the easiest swipe. You just so and it does grow back, but it's it doesn't hurt as bad anymore. I used to get such bad razorbord back there. I don't want to see my like girls do it because I guess doggy style they want. We don't want hair back there. So you guys don't say, oh my girl with a hairy asshole. It's you guys. But the more that I agree, but toilet paper, what really because hair it gets hot in the hair more. Yeah, you don't get those little balls. I think sometimes my asshole, like I will put my finger up just to like get in there, just like get whatever's maybe in there, Like I go a little hard and it will grab the toilet paper and it has like it almost looks like my asshole is a toilet paper dispenser because a little part rips off. It's like and it's the same kind of like way a toilet paper or a tissue paper is what I meant. Do you know what I mean? Tissue really comes out it looks like my asshole a tissue paper dispenser. Well, it's nice to know if if the pandemic hits hard again, we can always over there, no assholes. I was reading last night and read it. You guys, there was this read it that was, um, what's the people who work in porn? What's the darkest thing you've seen or the dark side of it? And it was It actually made me realize I probably have a porn bordering on addiction porn habit that is like just you know, I have to face the facts that like I shouldn't be watching the things I'm watching, and I'm not watching anything that's illegal. Obviously it's all kink dot com and black Raw, which everyone thought I said black draw a lot of besties. Well I did because it's like Yanni and Laurel. I did say black, black raw and black draw are the same sound exactly in your mouth. It's like Michael Caine when you say my cocaine, you say his name juice. What's that? I love you? No, that's your mouth olive juice. It's alive juice. But there's like look at me, wait, it looks like you're saying alligator juice. Because I know you're saying that, so I can't see anything else. It's olive juice, right, Noah, don't you know that I love you? The mouth is olive juice. I know it has elephant shoes. What you've got alligators? You've got elephants because you was I mean phonetically or hear what other people thought I love you was mouth? Is it alligator juice of its shoes or all of juice? Um? I also know that four three wait? Wait four wait? One four three? Is I love you on? Like the code that used to be like the pager code and now, um, I think there was something recently you sent me no about the code for it was one for three and I was like, I love you too, write didn't stand about you? Yes? And I was hoping that you got it, but and you did. So can we go back to the darkest thing that people see im porn? Yeah, I want to say and and and a big thing was anal prolapse like they've seen girls. I mean, there were tons of stories and I hope that people maybe go look at that. I think it was And it was in the subred asked reddit like darkest thing you've seen imporn? It was from um it was very popular two nights or like last night, so that was on Tuesday night, so if you want to go back and find it. But it had a lot of herowing stories. I learned about a girl named Cody Lane c O d Y Lane who did an anonymous uh A m A asked me anything about porn and revealed that she was raped in a video. And I found that video and well because people speculated who it was and people go, yeah, definitely was her. And she is now dead. She died in a drunk driving accident. This girl was raped by her stepfather when she was eight. Um got into porn, ended up doing the shoot where it was a gang bang and she didn't want to do it. Her boyfriend kind of manipulated her into it, and then it turned into just like the whole time she was just being raped. And that's my problem is I watched a lot of gang bangs and sometimes that's why I like Blacked Raw is because the girl is always very excited and the guys are very kind. But these other gang bangs sometimes man like you're like, I know this girl said in the interview before that she's playing a part and she wanted to do a fantasy of her being like, you know, hardcore gang bang does the name of them, and I avoid them because they're just two They make me think the story of Cody Lane. So rest in peace, Cody Lane. Thank you for sharing your story of the porn industry. But aside, that's also sad in a different way, is just these girls do so much anal porn that they're uh, like there they pro lapse and that's a thing that can happen, and they've had my excen set. Just push it back in and just use a different hole just so they can get through this shoe because it's almost over. Because I watch a lot of porn happening in that area, like a lot of it, that's kind of like one of the main things I'm into and I like anal sex. I've said it before, I talked about it. It It feels good, it's it's dirty, it's like so taboo. There's so many good things about it psychologically and both physically for me, not everyone. I kind of like the pain aspect of it, maybe a little bit. But the thing is these girls. Sometimes I'm watching them and they are getting so like it's so much that there can't be There has to be a medical repercussion to this. I get fucking used to not I don't get used fuctions, but I feel like soggy and kind of like beat up sometimes after I use a vibrator too much. Well, this girl in my high school I remember she was you know those uh what did they call him? Like a Christian virgins where they've an which is awesome, but uh, you know, you gotta better than letting a guy into your puss too soon. I know that's crazy, but I just don't get sphincter broke. And she had a trail of poop like into and like she just virgin. Yes, it was like handsome and grat old. But why did you know this? Oh yeah, so she could find then? Okay, so what what happened here? And how did you find out about this this guy? The guy told us exactly, So I don't I don't think that this happened. Well, what do you mean? What did I have to see her actual butthole poop? And no, I just feel like a guy saying that I think this girl just shipped on a guy during anal sex and that's what happens. No, No, she had a trail, she had to get surgery. Okay, well maybe then I believe it. All right, let's get to the news. But you know, you gotta have you got a source of stuff out because a lot of girls get the oh, she's a whore. Look Macy in the movie Hysterical. Hold on, I'll get to why you're delso a second in the movie Hysterical and that you guys are all watched the documentary Female comments April Macy got um. She was so beautiful and so desired by all the guys that the girls were jealous and they spread a rumor that she shipped on a couch during during sex and she was like a virgin. I'm one of these girls too. I was being accused of being a whore and blowing people for stage time and fucking older comics for stage time before I'd even had sex. So like, you got to check the sources of these stories about girls being whatever they are, and if your bro Brad said it happened, I believe it. I just want to hear. I just want to see, uh, the asterix, the cliffs, the what is it called the bibliography. We were calling him. I'm not gonna say I'll call him Brad because it actually works here, but we were there was a chant after we all found out that they were doing animal sex called Backside Brad. Wait, his name was really Brad, No, but it was. It was started with a B, and so the school was going backside Brian, Oh my god. And the girl I would feel terrible for but I really believe and see how she's doing. We should look her up on Facebook and report to people. Let's get to the news first. First. Oh man, it's Wednesday, folks, um and boy, I hope you're having a great time. I know it's hump day out there, and some people say hump day is the best day. You know why because you're humping. Okay, So I have a great time out there. Everyone have fun and all the swells. Okay, first story, boy, this is a good one. Oh by the way, people said they heard me say an F. You said you didn't hear an F. People are coming out, okay, saying that they Please send me the audio of the first one that he said, and and let me be wrong. But I'm not going to go look it up. But I I definitely definitely could have been wrong. So send me that audio on on on Instagram, please, Or you can even call into our show now and leave a voicemail that we might play on the show. Yes, no, what can you tell people? Our listeners are besties? How they can we can maybe hear their voices and play their their voicemails? Okay, I mean it's super easy. The link is on the Nikki Glazer Pod Instagram. Um, so you just go there, you click Lincoln Bio takes it to the website. You could do it on your phone. You could do it through your web browser with your love it and Mike and you can leave us a ninety second voicemail. Okay, So go to Nicky Glazer Pod, request friendship from us. We'll grant it, and then you get that link and you you read us leave us a voicemail anytime. We kind of asked for your anything you want to tell us really anything. This girl actually left a very funny video in our in our messages, she said she was looking for tickets for your show. She typed in Nicky Glazer, and pegging came up. She was at work, and so pegging came up on her work, and when she was looking for tickets to your show, so shot out her nikki dot com slash tour is where you'll find all my pegging videos. I did do a pegging class with Thompsagre and Christia Pozzitski for my show. Have you ever seen that? That's probably why I came seen that before. I believe I have. Yeah, you gotta watch that. Okay, anyway, let's hear the yeah we long circle your first story, baby. Uh Fresh calculations tell us that humans are capable of maintaining anywhere between two to five and twenty friendships. Wow, that's a lot more than I remember hearing a thing called the Dunbar number that said that people can only actually have a hundred and fifty friends like their brain is right. Noh, like that was the number and now they bumped it up. Is this the story correct. Um I just read the headline and I was able to deduce that. Andrew read the whole thing and didn't get there. But that's fine. He's our news guy. Um So the old number used to be a hundred, right, and now it's up to five hundred? Is that what I'm hearing? And that's crazy, dude, that's a lot more. And I wonder if that's because of social media or have we or like, have our brains advanced to be able to carry that many faces in our head? How many friends do you have? Like? How many people? And you were getting married and you had your ideal and you had all the time in the world to talk to everyone, see everyone, get everyone you care enough about seeing you get married on an island? How many people you thinking that that's going to be? And we're not talking plus ones, we're talking those people individually. I'm thinking, honestly, like thirty tops. Really, well, are we including family or his friends? I mean, if you're yeah, the wedding is like I got like seven or eight from high school. I got like seven or eight from college and seven or eight. I gotta say, you're wrong, like you have So what about Ari? What about Blair, what about about don't cut It? They wouldn't go, but they're your friends. You would count them as friends if so, if that name came up, okay, maybe that I didn't know you were so weird in particular about your wedding. I want like I gave you. Okay, So let's say you're having there's a music festival where it's in honor of you, and you want everyone in your life that you cared enough about like a friend and that you want to spend time with. And I and I'm saying this because sometimes weddings you want to keep them small because you want to be able to spend more quality time. If you would infinite time to see everyone, how many people would be there? People you go, that's my friend, and I'm talking about like people like Okay, here's another example. Miles Leonard Myers Leonard is her friend. Would you say Myers is my friend to someone else if you so, that counts as a friend. Noah, wouldn't you say that's a friend someone you call a friend in conversation? This is this is the way. This is tricky because equipped your friend exactly like where's the bar? Or that's im saying I got best I got, I got seven or eight. I would say, I would say I have up to fifteen best friends, and then I'm going to say above that there's like five of like the main crew, but like probably fifteen best friends. And then my dog is growling because we have made here, and then my maid comes right under them, and then below that is no one because no, But I would say friends wise people I say are my friend. We are going for everyone from David Spade to Todd Berry to the waitresses at the seller to who I can't remember their name so they probably can't be friends now of course I remember their names. Um, you can't think of one right now? Can't contract Life of Linda? Um best friend Sarah? Um? Oh one has the best Angelica? I mean was like I have. I would think I probably have a thousand friends. So I don't know what qualified people go, Oh, how can you live in this city? How can you? Dude? You get like when the older you get, you get like it keeps going lower and lower. I need four friends in my life. And how can you live in a city like people are saying that about St. Louis. How could you live in St. Louis friends. Well, that's the thing people in New York and l A. If you literally look at your life, you go to two Russians or like maybe four restaurants, you go right, think about it. Anyone living in those big cities, the places you're frequent can here in Luigi you go to four restaurants. Really think about this, and maybe you're like, no, I like to explore new places. Well, you can do that in any city too, and maybe you do deserve to be in l A then, but most people have a handful of friends they see when you town. When you move out of la or New York and you're having like a going away, you realize that these people that come to see you off you haven't seen for years and you've lived in the same matters. You can just fly anywhere. But yes, well I think it's it's definitely an Internet thing, the idea that these people are your friends. That's why I said thirty because your friends. So I have friends that are fans that I've made. I have Matt, I have Ashley, I have Charlie. I have three friends that started as that's called fan friends, and I met them as fans and they and I met them so early where I was very approachable and desperate for like someone like and they would bring me gifts to shows. I mean, these are people that discovered me in like Last Comic Standing season four, and I took the other day. I thought it was a fan DM ng me a story about dating a woman for the first time. She's a girl, and I was like, cool, thanks girl, I'm so excited. And I responded like she was just a random fan that I've sometimes just d M with fans and we have a long thing going, but I don't know our history. And then I go, oh, ship, I thought you were just a fan, but you are, like you're my fan Ashley that I have a rapport with, and that was so she's my friend. I realized, like yeah, I know, but like, look at my parents generation. My dad had his second wedding right his best man we met one time in our life, like my parents did not. My friends had three girlfriends. She had Sue and two other ladies. I wanted to start an app for parents of millennials to find friends because so many parents my parents are so cool and they have a really hard time finding cool people to hang out with, and it's just because where do people meet. You know, my mom plays tennis. My mom goes to Goodwill, but she every day and like looks her stuff and she works, but she's always like competitive with other women at Goodwill and be friends with them. Um, yeah, parents need friends. Next story, all right. I kind of did this one selfishly because I feel like we, uh, there's certain things we can do. I would probably take five minutes. I could really help our lives this story so much. Thank you for choosing it. Let's do it, and I think listeners will really love it too. So there are thirty eight mac keyboard shortcuts that supercharge your workflow if you know them. Let's hear some of them, because I hope I know them, but I'm so excited to learn something new that I'm like, what do that. Here's a few examples. So command plus space bar will open up the search bar. Okay, that's cool. My search was already always open, so that's not really that much, but that's good to know. Uh. Command plus the grave accent, which is right about it opens up Spotlight search, so you can search your entire computer with the command space Just so everyone knows, that is very helpful. Sorry, what was the next one command grave accent, which is right accent that I thought it was great too. No, I think it's great. That's I was just saying that as Um, that's how I set in front. Okay, so command grave accent it will toggle. It will toggle through open app windows. Okay, I don't which one is the let me say make sure I'm doing it right. It's the one above the tab command above the tab. Um. Oh, let's see. Yeah. Okay, I'm not on a I'm on Zoom with only one window, so I can't really see. One that helps me the most, and most people probably know it is command see command V which is copy paste, which has really helped my life a little bit, especially God. It's the best command X to cut that cuts. Do you know what cutting is versus copying and pasting, and then what cut is? Kind of okay, So if you don't know, you when you highlight a work or a sentence and you want to copy it, um, you can also do a cut because you want to put it somewhere else. If you're if you if you want that thing that you're copying to be left where it is, then and you also wanted to be in the new place, you're gonna put it, then don't worry about cut. But if you want that to be removed from that chunk and put somewhere else, cut. This has ruined my life because I've been on documents with jokes where I cut because I want to move somewhere else. And then someone comes in the room and goes, NICKI, what do you want for lunch? From blahba while we're ordering, and I get distracted and then I go back and I just started, I go where was I not realizing that it is in the air ready to be pasted, and you wouldn't put it back. And that is how I did not end up telling one of my best roast jokes because that happened minutes before I went on Um it was the one. Oh, it was the one I told it on Stern, But I literally you can see I am distractedly sad the entire roast because I realized durry Jeff Ross is set that I forgot to tell this joke because he mentioned Alc Baldwin's podcast. I was supposed to say Alec Baldwin, so it was Alcibaldin was aer Caitlin Jenner go Alec Baldwin I'm gonna do it as Sarah Somethan. Alec Baldwin has a podcast, Alec, I love your podcast. It's called Here's the Thing, which is also how Alec introduced me to Kaitlin backstage. Yes, I thought that was weird, but um, that's not Larry David man that Nikky Glazier is great. Oh my god. Yeah, you overheard him say that. I was in the bathroom during one of the commercial breaks and Larry David was in there during the roast, and it was right after I had gone. I think it was the first commercial break, and he hurt. He talked to Larry David at the urinal and uh, you know he heard Larry David talking to another guy at the urinal and Larry David was singing your praises. Yeah, he said, wow, He's like she says stuff that you go you don't want to laugh, but you just can't help it or something like that. And I was just like, but I was all sad that he said you don't want to laugh. I'm like, Larry, you're comedian, of course you want to laugh. And that's like your whole m O, like your whole show. If you say the wrong things. Yeah, but I'm saying the wrong things almost on purpose, but I'm presenting them in the way that's like I'm just casually saying this thing that's really command Why command? Plus? Why opened your browsing history, which I don't know if we want to know? That's not no one wants. That's the way to not ever do that. How do you how do you pluck y off your computer? I'm like just gouging both of those keys off. I'm like, we're talking with this segment next year story. I don't want to relive what command you with your ex boyfriend. I was just talking to you about how I want to be more accountable about my porn. Like I like to talk about porn a lot because I feel it is a problem i'm having that I'm depending on it. And I was telling you that the only way that I am able to like conquer things in my life that I'm ashamed of or that I see as problems or as if I'm honest about it. So a lot of people are like, probably like, we don't want to hear about your porn starts anymore stuff telling us it's not like cool. I'm just saying that sometimes I talk about it because I need someone else to be accountable, because it's just me and my keyboard, and I need someone else in on it. You got sometimes like if she's like, uh, embarrassed about maybe one of your addictions, you'll you'll hide it from me. But but then you're like, no, I should just show what I'm doing. So next time you're masturbating the porn, do it in the living room, I'll watch. I was just saying that about pot. I'm like, that's why I don't like to smoke pot in my room, even if I want to, because it's me doing it alone, and it feels secretive and naughty and like something I could take advantage of, or eating in my room, like getting eating something gross. Like last night, I was eating on a couch, something really disgusting, and I realized if Andrew walked out and saw me, I would be embarrassed. And just the thought that I and I would be embarrassed in from Andrew makes me realize, that's the thing you You're probably doing something not good to yourself, Nikie. So I took my couch snack and I sat at a goddamn table like human being, and I was able to still overeat a snack, but he eat it in a way that wasn't gluttonous and like, oh I'm ashamed, So yeah, I'll let you watch the next time I for two hours indulging in like oh meal. It is kind of similar, like I would feel the same effect of seeing you like kidding yourself with a vibrator, Like it's kind of like to me, food can be very sexual, sexually eating, sexually putting with no spoon in the dark, And it was the most sexual thing I've ever do. That Emmy Blonde as a joke about eating it with that, and it's like kind of lingus. You're like just going down on a putting up. I'm sorry. I know when I heard that joke too, I was like, why didn't I think of that? Because you literally thought of it. I know. I'm sorry. Well, why do I care? Why do I care? I don't care about anything right now? Control? Why? Control? Why? Should be a new thing we say when we just want to delete what we just said, even though it's pulling up your history, you should say, control why. That's like a new thing I want to try. You're going to care about this story? Rachel Kirkconnell Yett James together in New York City and he confirms they are pursuing a relationship. Matt James a Bachelor if you didn't know, who is a guy that I slid into his d MS just to say how much I appreciated is meeting with his dad. I thought was very cute. But it's also a way to be like, hey, Matt James, I'm here if you don't end up with anyone. And he didn't end up with anyone because Rachel Kirkconnell was spotted at a party in college plantation theme party that was very racist, a lot of racist themes, all about the Confederacy. She didn't know Matt James did select her before those images came out. When they came out, he decided that he needed to step away from the relationships she could do some work on herself. She amazingly appeared on The Bachelor after the Rose ceremony, after all this had come out, and really was doing the work Like when people talk about like doing learning about what what systemic racism is, why you didn't notice it when you went to this party? She actually was like putting like I was like, I want to sign up for her. This bitches course, like, would you make this into a thing I could buy? Because if there is, and he even said I can't. And even then, when she had done the work for like a while and was on her way to doing the work, he still was like, I'm not ready. I think they I think he was ready, but I think he needed to say that to just like and maybe he wasn't. I don't know. But now they're back together, and I'm so happy for them because they really were in love. And I love that she did the work and and realized like, yeah, I didn't know it was a plantation theme party. I didn't think it was racist at the time, but I'm gonna explore why that is a very hurtful thing that I did to some people, and too many people. And sweet shot up that might just want someone to do that to me and a pop ros this is all I want. No, it's showing us a picture. He is in a hoodie and they're walking into a place together and he is his arm around her and it looks so sweet and nurturing. Can some guy just please nurturing? Lee? Hold me as I walk into a Starbucks and have the pops. I'll have the pops show up across the street, I'll call them. I got their numbers from what I did dance with the Star, and they can snap us doing this. You would think she'd be wearing the white hood. Oh God, that was so good. That was so fucking good, you guys. I wish I would have said white hoodie. I didn't say that, and I didn't say it because it felt like almost racist, like subconsciously but honestly with the but that's hilarious. He isn't a white hood And like Andrew, that was really funny. Thank you. I do feel like this does show like second chances and forgiveness when done right should get rewarded and things and and it's a good thing. It's a good thing. And she proved that she's worthy of his love and he proved that he's worthy of her love because he put his foot down said I'm not going to just get back together with you until I see the work, and she was like, I understand that I need to do the work in order to be with you. And so they both had to make sacrifices to end up being in a place how they feel good together. I love it there alpha maybe k they were a Southern fraternity and they would do this thing where they have to like storm the hill, and it was like recreative. People just don't know what they're doing. You know, I don't. I never connect like I watched you have. I didn't partake in it. I'm not saying, but I never connected it with like racism. I just connected it with like these people doing dumb ship like we didn't because we're stupid. We don't know the history behind it. And I would say that some black people probably don't even know the history behind it of why it's But once you learn, both sides are able to process it in a way that we go okay. I don't want to do that anymore, Like I cancel culture is dangerous. I do think there should be consequences to this stuff and people should be held accountable. But if they apologize and they work on themselves. I believe in forgiving literally anyone. I don't think that means that some you know, I could forgive like anyone. The reason people I think should be locked up is just so that they don't hurt others. But if someone is not hurting others and truly apologizes, I could. I think I could forgive anyone. And I guess, like at the end of what I almost said, at the end of the day, but like we're not saying that we can forgive someone for being raised, Like I think that's like where someone has done the work, I can forgive. No, no, no, But I'm saying it's not what people say, is it's not for us to forgive because we're white, that it's for That's what you see a lot at least, right Well, I can only say my experience maybe, but for me, as Nicki Blazer to forgive, I can, and I acknowledge that maybe it takes more and and isn't capable for other persons because everyone has their own experience, so these things have like you need to feel the way I feel. It's just like and I'm not I'm saying that about anything. No, no one does, because no one's you. You your own experience, and it's hard to remember that. I want everyone to think the way I think. I guess I can't forgive you for speaking in the third person. No, I wouldn't forgive that either, And Nicky Glazer doesn't forgive anyone. Don't do it. Nicky Glazer speaking about Nicky Glazer if she's Nicki Glazer. Let's get to finish my sentence where Andrew and I can't forgive that. This is our tried and true segment on the show where Andrew and I pull up some deep seated resentments for each other and projected subconsciously or maybe consciously through each other's own finishing of each other sentence. So we get a prompt I complete the sentence as I think Andrew would. Then Noah also had takes a stab at how Andrew if he said it would complete it, and then we do it for me, and then we each find out what we if we were right, Let's see how what weekend and then ever ruin's our weekend and makes a weird vibe for the rest of the day. But it's worth it for the entertainment. Let's get into it. No, what is today's finish my sentence? Uh prompt? Okay? Today's prompt is I am scared to death of Okay. So for for me, this connotates like not an existential crisis, because scared to death kind of is like ho like that's like this is almost like phobias, but it's open to interpretation, so it's for me. It is, and that's how I'm interpreting it. You've already thought about mine, But that's how I'm going to read it for you. I think, but like day to day, Okay, can I hear your first? I'm okay, Hi, I'm Andrew Colin. Hi, I'm Nicky Glazer speaking as Andrew Colin, um and branding. I gotta say your name a bunch, Nicki Glazer. Put your Nicki Glanzer to the moon. Uh, listen to the song. It doesn't say my name and it um, I'm Andrew Colin and I'm scared to death of dying. Um. I am scared to death of dying from any way in which you could die. I am also scared to death that I am also scared to death of looking like a pussy. Um, I am also scared to death. I think we should just have one. I think we just want to death death and looking like a pussy, and especially dying from a way in which is like you're such a bit you've got that's like when you like drop a contact lens and you bend over and hit your like head on the corner of the counter. Something like just an embarrassing way to die. But I would think like a bit would be like my last word, just like I don't want to die. No, that's that's a that's probably in a really gnarly way, like a mass shooting. But I'm saying like cans are like the last couple of days. I'm like, no, I think you'll accept it. You'll be fine. I think, yeah, I think you Yeah, I mean you will die. First of all, this is death. Is the way we could and all of these and be right, because every fear traces to a fear of death, for sure. Like my grandma was so afraid of dying. She'd always go, oh, my bladder, and she'd always go to doctor's appointments. And it's in my family to be a hypochontract. I'm Jewish. It's just it's deep rooted. She you're gonna die. Like, I learned a lot from her experience because she was so afraid of dying. Yeah she's dead, but she was so afraid of dying. She spent so much time in fear of this thing. I know you have one grandma left, Yeah, Grandma Shirley, she turned a hundred. Yeah you can't um the Jeff Tweetie song that I love is uh, my grandma's dead. Yeah, no, it says um. I listened to an a m A asked me anything for Jeff Tweete from Wilco, and they said, what's your favorite lyric you've ever ever written? And um, while you're looking for it? My my my favorite thing that someone told me that had me be okay with death is uh one, don't be a pussy. And then the other one was do you remember being born? One to remember what happened in eighteen fifty? No, you don't. Okay, then yeah, it's the same side, so Tweetie lyrics. I'm so sorry. I just want to get it right because it is. It's my favorite. I'm sure is a command button to find command why find? Okay, Okay, it's don't forget. We all think about dying. Don't let it kill you. We all think about dying. Don't let it kill you. And that is good, Like, don't live your life worrying about dying because I will kill you the stress. Here's the thing I at this point in my life, I do feel like I've accomplished somewhat of enough where I think a lot of it has to do with when you die, before you accomplish anything you wanted to set out for your life. That's when it starts to get fearful. Right, So then when you you know, I've helped a lot of people laugh, you know, I I think I've become a better person, Like I stopped drinking, so like I feel a little bit more acceptance with my death because I feel like, Okay, I didn't in the world. I put some it in the way you have a legacy. When you die at two and you're just like fucking you know, doing ecstasy and you're just a piece of ship, it's kind of scary because you're like, I didn't do anything, and now I'm just dead. Oh, I'm not scared about doing something. I'm scared about God. And then that dying, Like I'm scared of that moment of terror right before I wait, don't don't answer for Andrew. Think what did you think that Andrew was going to say? Okay, I was gonna say, like as a joke that going one day on Instagram without getting a new follower, I lose a lot of followers. Noah, the fact that you know you lose is weird. It's because I go from thirty nine point eight to thirty nine point seven almost every other day. All right, let's get you over forty you guys, come on, I mean you are over four year forty one. But with Instagram followers, let's at least match his age by the end of today. So go following Andrew Colin if you already aren't Andrew T. Colin. He is verified and has a blue checkmark. Um, okay, now, Andrew do nikkis Andrew do? Mean? It's interesting. I thought one of you were going to say lizards, but I Nikki is scared of death. I forgot your scared. That was such a weird thing to discover about you. Go on, there's a couple of things that she's scared to death of, Like are we doing? Like, okay, you're scared to death of driving in a car. But you've gotten way better at this a thousand times being a Cayman. So I don't even know if it's a fear and time it was a fear and d flare up when I'm in a bad headspace and when I'm happy. I didn't worry about my hair falling out and came in. I haven't thought about my hair and forever, and that used to be a constant chronic fear and the highways. So she's afraid of single highway likeways that are really separated by one strip and like that are facing each other, and like I'm scared of on coming collisions for drunk drivers or Texas. I mean, it happens like during all the time, and it's very the margin of error is too small Route sixty in Florida. It happens all the time because if even if you go off the road, you're in a you're in a ditch. So it's either or you realize going off the road you overcomment sate and then that's when you flip. I mean, it's just so scary. So the rational fears, I'm right for those, But what is what's more my what's my existential one? I want to know. I think being seen as dirty in a way like not like actually like I posted and I get it, but I felt like you really flipped out when I posted the couch on Nikki Glazer Pod. You're like, I haven't set it up, and I felt like you say, thinking about your mom, like how she has to clean the place off because she's so afraid of how people will see her. Yeah, I feel like you have a little of those tendencies. That wasn't about that. That was because I have to tag all these furniture companies, and I don't want them seeing that before. I presented in a way because these people have given me firture. I needed to present it beautifully and I just want to pay attention to do I didn't even see the picture. I didn't even look at I just saw the living room and I was like, I don't want that out there, like I in my living space. I want to just keep some things private. I don't mind people seeing certain angles, but like being presented like this is my house, it just feels intrusive. I just didn't like it. But I do agree that my biggest fear is being thought of as like dirty and like unlovable pretty like you know whatever, the irony of being completely open about so many things about dirty I am. I just don't want you to like actually see it. And there's people far dirtier than I am. I love watching Summerhouse because Hannah Burner is dirty. Sierra Sierra, the two two faves are dirty as fucking Sierra's room is a mess, So I don't I'm accepting about it. More about myself. But yeah, but it all comes I would say my biggest fear like essentially is like not being in a romantic relationship, like not finding love again, or that feeling of like be like no one's congratulate, congratulate. I guess okay, wait, I want to say that you know it's fine, failed it okay. So in the beginning of the podcast, you kind of threw me off because you said that not working hard enough was your biggest fear. I know, I said that it's one of them. New I said that, yes, that is, yeah, being perceived as lazy, which is also being dirty. Right, So I was thinking about it really hard, and I think that your biggest existential fear is not having companionship. I didn't narrow down just to like like a romantic relationship, but I think friendships are very important to you, and um, your your biggest fear would be not to have companionships? Yes, yes, but I also I think it's really like someone that like loves me, like romantically and like yeah, like loves me, accepts me no matter what, and like that's I mean, that is why when I feel that way, like I've only felt that way really once in my life. But when I feel that way, like I cry because it's just so like I didn't know I could feel this, or like feel like so loved and like like loved in a way that like the way my dad loves me, but like like the way he looks at me, like I could do no wrong, Like you're so cute, like everything you do is a miracle, that kind of love. But also with like the heat, the romantic heat, like that kind of so dad was heat, yeah, but I mean like there's command and fucking umm. But like the way her parents love you, that kind of unconditional love. I've never had that from a romantic partner where I just felt so like deeply cherished, and I've only felt it one time and it made me cry because I was like I didn't know this was out there. It was very thrilling, and it's it's not just one person that can provide that, like if you you can find that in multiple people in your life. And I plan on it again, but a fear is never finding that again because it feels so good, it really does. You'll find it, find it. Yeah, that's so fun. Final thought. You're you're feeling it these days I mean, you know, it's like little things you can do with a girl you're dating or seeing where you've never had whatever, you da have to talk. But we went to a gym this morning. She had to go to work, so I went with her to the gym at seven am. I usually would go at ten. I would never go at seven when you went so early. And then you were like, oh, it's because I wanted to go with her. Yeahs her name, brad said her name? I think because she got like a bunch of new followers on Instagram. Oh right, but whatever, let's just call her Bradley Breath more feminine. Oh my god, So you went and worked out with Bradley this morning so you could like share that together. That's like we accomplished it, like work out together, which was awesome. Also, looking at her and workout clothes turns me on in a whole new way because I see her in a different light in this class. Yeah, and she woo my ass into running section and I like getting my ass whoop. You know that it turns me on. I like getting beat down a little bit um, you know, but I beat her in the other things, you know whatever, Like I like you have strength like built into your d n A that she doesn't. So the fact that she could even compete against you and those other things is actually pretty impressive. And actually, if you adjust for like being a woman, she probably kicked your assure for sure in terms of what she was able to achieve for her like, and we had so much fun and then like I dropped her off, and like I've been known to call her a bitch, but like you a really like, like I think in an endearing way. But I don't know if there's an endearing way to say bitch. I think there's I think it's too cute. See and I thot I called me bitch. I'd be like, I'm not your friend, let's not do this. I hate And I think it's a way that men do like communicate with women sometimes because they're scared of how like they're feeling for that person, so they will call them like bitch or bro and so they like deflect that feeling because it's scary to feel that way about someone. So I was just like later bitch, when off later bitch, and I go, I mean the other day I really did say wish and said a bitch in a sentence she could call me a bit again. I go, no, I called I called you a witch. No, no, I called you. I said wish and she goes, I think you said bitch. So it's like this ongoing thing. And then I didn't think of it. So when I said bite her, I go later, bit and I go, I mean wish, I mean. She goes, I'm never talking to you again. I go, all right, tomorrow, you see tomorrow. Like those little things. I know it sounds like like so cheesy, but like the connection you have of like humor where it's a little you know, dark and a little bit and yeah, I don't know, it's just it's the best inside jokes and just like yeah, just like new love is truly the best feeling in the world, or like finding it and being excited about someone and like getting butterflies when you are about to see them, like it's the best fucking drug, like ever. It is my favorite feeling in the world, is feeling like horny and excited and like intimate with someone. And it's the only drug I can't buy, Like I cannot buy it. I can buy someone to fuck me, I can fly someone to me, but you cannot buy someone to love you, and it's it's just funny. I realized it is a drug that I don't let myself indulge in because I'm not gonna be I can't ever get it. I can't find it takes too much for me to find someone to have that. But if I do, man, that's and I think I scare you guys away sometimes because I'm just like, holy shit, I found the drug. I found it, Like I don't want the stash to dry up. I want to buy the whole supply just in case, you know, they go out of business, and I like, go all in because I'm so excited that I found this feeling. And then it's wild how those feelings can kind of start to fade if you just give it time. So it's I'm I'm in a different place now. It's true. Time makes things like kind of command. Why um, thanks for listening today. We'll see you tomorrow on the podcast, the last day of the week, but then we'll be back back next week. Get your friends into it, um right into us. Leave us a voicemail, Nicki Glazer pod Uh Get tour tickets now. Pre sale code is one night with one Night, All one word, One Night and you can get a Nicki Glazer dot Com slash tour. Andrew will be there, see you then, Cap but also Cat