The Nicky Nicky. Hello here I am. It's Nicky Glazer podcast. Welcome to the show. I'm in Los Angeles, California, in my hotel room. It is two hours later in St. Louis, where Andrew is Hello, Andrew, back to you, and Noah is in Arizona, which I don't know what time zone you guys are on. Isn't Hell? Yeah, girl, it's a nice place to be. Um, I've been here since God, I don't even remember now Thursday, Friday, Wednesday, thurs Thursday yet Thursday because we had to pre tape Thursday. Yes, that is what happened. So much. So many good responses on last week's show shows with Aria, Um, my friend, Wow, that was really nice to read all of those, and I sent her a lot of the d M s I got, And man, you made someone's day by writing all those nice things. So thank you guys so much. It's always so nice to get your feedback on that stuff. And yeah, I'm feeling a little grogged this morning, but I'm waking up, but I'm in like a debt, Like I have my blackout curtains drawn because I have to, for there's nowhere to sit in here where if I if I opened the curtains, I would be backlit and I would look like an ominous you know, the deal or no deal guy, And so I just have to keep the curtains drawn into my room. Is quite depressing. And I could have slept till five pm today like easily, no problem, no questions asked. Um, I've been doing it a lot. I had some good times, good sleeping in times this weekend, but still not enough. Like I can sleep all the time, and I don't know what's wrong with me why I And I don't know what's wrong with people that get up and like do stuff. If you have free time, why aren't you in bed? And that is my Um, that's my conundrum recently. It's like when I have free time, I just want to be in bed. I don't want to be writing a book. I don't want to be going hiking. I don't want to go to Sepphora to restock my makeup. I don't want to go shopping for an outfit to wear on conan. Um, well, I just want to sleep, um, and I just want to be in bed on my phone. And I'm not depressed, maybe a little bit, but like that's what's soothing to me. But like it feels really sad getting back into bed when it's beautiful outside and there are tons of friends that live in this town that I can hang out with. Um, and I'm doing that instead. Any thoughts, Well, I think if you're being very active when you're not in bed, then bed is okay. You know, it's a balance. Um, if it's active for thirty minutes, bed for twenty three hours and thirty it's that's you know. I mean, you're doing a lot of ship. You're not just like someone that's like, uh, you know, you got like fucking a gator have drinking gatorade bottle by the bed and you're just eating from a Chinese take out. You just have the same underwear on for five days. Now you're doing you're very active, like you're not. It's not weird to think that you need rest and when you are performing, I'm sure you're probably better when you're getting out of bed. No, I would hope. So do you feel refreshed or do you feel more tired because of you know, I feel resentful that I have to get out of bed, and like that that the only reason I get out of bed is to appear normal because I know that it's what I should do as opposed to what I that's the difference between my life and everyone else's. Yes, I do do things, but I don't ever want to do any of them. And I feel like people like I was comparing myself to Kirsten because she's just someone who just likes to get up. She likes to go out, and she likes to go on hikes, and she likes to go shopping, and she likes to like cook, and she likes to clean up, and she like of course, and sometimes she likes to go to work, Like I don't like to do any of the things. Everything I do I do out of um because I know it's what I should do. It's not because I want to do it. If it were up to me, it would be being in bet on my phone reading a new Columbine book. But that's what I want to do. I think it's a happiness issue. Her Columbine book is doing those things like that's what makes her column bie. Why would anyone's Columbine book not be a Columbine book. Why would it be going to home depot to pick out sconces or talking for the new tub they're putting in, like I feel. I know, I returned to this over and over, but I just I wish I were a person who liked doing things. And I like going in her with friends. I like sleeping, I like staying in bed. I like snacking. I like going to lunch with friends. But that is that's That's really only the things I like to do. Everything else in my life. I like podcasting because it makes me feel accomplished at the end of it. And I like like talking to friends and hanging out with friends. But um, and I like performing at sometimes. But if I'm gonna be honest, I'd rather be in bed reading a Columbie my true course self would rather be in bed on Reddit reading Columbine UM than than outdoing things. And I think that people. What about when you're genuinely like this weekend and you see if you see Carlisle, you see your your your friends in comedy, and you're performing. Does that give you a little bit of life? Yes, it does. But I'm there out of obligation. I'm not there for the love of the game. I don't think I'm there because I have people that are coming to see me and I have to. Like, I was just talking in on you about this, and you wrote me this morning that she's in New York City and she was at the Comedy Seller last night and she noticed this trend of comedians like blaming the audience and getting like kind of mad at the audience for being shitty and like, you guys don't get that, like, oh, you guys are sensitive, you know, and like scolding the audience a little bit. And she's like, I just really like you never do that. She was like, you just I've never seen I've watched you a million times. You've never once gotten mad at the audience for not getting something. You always are just like you. Just that's so much sure, that's so evolved of you. It's just such new comic energy. I feel to get mad audience. And I was like, yes, and no, I feel that I don't get mad at the audience because because sometimes there are shitty audiences, like sometimes these l A crowds recently have been very growny, like so like everything I say, it's just like, oh, like they just hear a word. It's it's very it's an interesting new facet to the l A audience that I don't remember encountering when I lived here, but I don't get mad at them ever in person. I will talk to you about audience when I get off stage. Man, they sucked. God, they were awful funk. I hate them, but I never do it in person. And it's not because I'm like I'm I'm I'm a more mature comedian. It's because I have low self esteem, and I truly feel that if I were to be like you guys suck someone and might go you suck and you're ugly and we like other people better than you. My fear me not me not getting mad at anyone ever in my life, is never me being up the better person or being like It's not a maturity. It's actually me fearing retribution from them that I cannot take because I'm so scared of any criticism. I'm so scared of being told that I did something wrong. So instead I will talk about them behind their back. I feel like the comedian know that goes you guys suck, You don't get it, you're too fucking woke, you're too weak, whatever, that they're already getting that response that you fear from the crowd, and that's their insecurity showing of them being like, well it's on dim, it's on me, and that their fear already happened. They didn't get the laugh, you know what I mean. But this fear of mine, it's it's in everything I do, Like I I just don't I don't ever like to tell anyone they're wrong because I and I've talked about this with the therapist before and she said that that's the fear of a fifteen year old girl, that someone's going to call you ugly. Um. But that's truly always my biggest fear is that someone can, just everyone, anyone can win an argument with me by saying, well, you're ugly, Like that is my biggest fear, and I don't trust people not to use that against me, and then it will show, like if we're argue about the environment, if we're arguing about whether I'm funny or not, like, if they pull out you're ugly and um, then I then the arguments over and I will go cry and I will not be able to talk anymore. And so I just am always trying to I always take blame first. I'd rather always have blame than ever blame someone else because I'm just scared they're gonna say either you're a bit or you're ugly? Yeah, does that make sense? How many times does that happen? I mean, you know, I mean since grade school? I mean enough times that that's never something I want to feel again because I might kill myself if it happens, you know what I mean? Like, the feeling of feeling ugly or feeling undesirable is so uh. Do you know what? But the counter force to fear? What is it? Um? What do you think it is? Bravery? No, happiness, self love, happiness, happiness, Yes, And I'm reading all about it. I just need to get a little bit more into it to be able to um it's it's called the book is called What Happy People Know, And he talks a lot about like why we've evolved in a certain way that fear inhibits our our happiness and exactly what you were talking about before of like, well, I just want to stay in bed, I just want to be on my phone, isolate myself. I can't enjoy myself when I'm out with my friends or doing the thing that I love to do. And I think a lot of it is fear based, But I don't know what else to tell you from this point on, I do enjoy hanging out with my friends when I get out there, and I do enjoy doing sets, and that you're right, it is about fear, and I encountered it a lot. Last night, Like my friend Ben Gleeb wanted to like do what we did, a karaoke night. He got a karaoke room and I invited a bunch of people and then we were going to go to a Korean spot after that, and it was just gonna be like a fun night of hangs. And Ben is someone who always is just like has such fun things planned and he always gets to be involved, and like it always becomes like our thing that we're planning, that we're inviting our friends, and for some reason we always turned into like it's our joint party. And I'm like, I didn't even want to do this in the first place, so I invited like all these people. And I have to say that, like, um, through from the people that we like wanted to be there, three or four didn't come because I was like trying to prod and like figure out like why didn't you, why don't you want to come? And it I thought tiredness. Um I don't like karaoke. Um, I don't like someone who's gonna be there. But it was honestly like social anxiety. People were just like scared to be around people, which I do not understand. Like I get. I mean, I sometimes I don't want to talk to people, but I think that's the best place to go as a karaoke room because you literally don't know, people are singing and you don't have to talk. But we lost a lot of people last night because of that. So I know this isn't like but like abnormal. I didn't have it for this for whatever reason. But I like just people being like I just don't want to talk about my life. Everyone in l A wants to hear about what you're up to, and I don't like what I'm up to, and so I don't want to talk about it. And I don't know, like, can't you just skip that? Can't you just go, oh, I've just been like my dog is my life? Now, like just find something two or or just be honest, because you could just say I'm depressed. I don't know. I I feel like I'm not scared of those interactions as much. I'm just like I just don't want to. I don't want to do it, not because I'm scared of talking to people. I'm doing because I would rather be in bed reading. I mean, do they actually have a fear of singing? I mean, if you're in a small room you feel like you have to sing, Maybe they don't want to sing. That's an anxiety that people don't want to deal with. Uh. People Also, you know l A. People are competitive, Like if you're not doing something, if you don't have a show, if you don't have, you know, something going on, you're often seen as less then, maybe more so in your head than you actually are. You know, you're in a in a city that if you're not working, you might as well be debt, you know what I mean. Like, so someone like you, you're there, you you're there to promote your special you have so much going on. I used to live here and have nothing going on. I know what it's like that, But do you remember that feeling then of not I never cared if people ask because I always knew that my future was bright, Like this is part of the process to get to where I'm going. M h. I mean, that's a great outlook. That's a very positive outlook that you like, I just never thought, like, because something's not happening now, it's because I'm not talented. But I don't even think. But how can you not apply that then to when someone goes when you're worried someone's gonna call you ugly, but you're like, well, I'm talented. But then I guess underneath it all, do you think, because no one in a conversation is gonna say to me you're not talented. If I'm talking to a friend and I go, I don't really have anything going on right now, they're not gonna go, you're ugly and not talented. They might say that if I say you suck you guys aren't laughing, then, Like that's why I don't. I don't ever get into altercations with people and confront them because I'm scared they'll use the ugly card. But no one's going to use the ugly card when I'm just saying I don't have anything going on. Yeah, it's a different thing, I guess, and I know what you're saying. I get what you're saying, but I just I think that like when I hear my friends say, like, I don't have anything going on and I don't. I'm like depressed about my life and I don't want to talk to anyone about like I'll depressed they I'm I'm like to me, I'm like even the people that are killing it are depressed, and just say just say you're depressed. Like that will connect to saying like, oh, I'm working on this web series that I'm writing, like instead of like trying to make something of like yeah, I just feel like that could be the answer. And also but I get it, like like I don't relate to that, like some people might not relate to, like Kirsten might not be relate to relate to wanting to stay in bed. Like Kirsten, her being sick is like the worst thing ever, Whereas like I would I really, I know, I don't get physically sick ever. And I my my boyfriend says when I when he was got COVID, when he was got COVID, when he got COVID, I remember saying, I'm a little bit jealous you have COVID because you have an excuse to be in bed, And like I just never have an excuse to be in bed. I mean, I could say I'm depressed, but people sometimes get a little bit like depression. People don't really take as like like like for me, it's like a cold, it lasts a couple of days. People that don't understand depression, they're like, you're gonna this might she might kill herself. She's a liability. I don't want to work with her, like it's it's not the same as the depression being like I want to I can't make it today. I'm depressed. It becomes like this cloud as if you're saying, like I have stage one something like this is this is gonna end in my death perhaps, and you should be worried about me as opposed to like I'm just feeling down today. Um. Whereas if you call and you say I have COVID, people go, oh man, that sucks, and they're not like I'm so worried about Nikki she might die, you know, like COVID now, as opposed to like before do you know what I'm saying, like, um, I wish I could get sick of it? But then Chris was like, you don't want to be sick because you feel sick, And I was like, oh, I forgot about that part, Like I don't I don't know what it's like to feel sick. So I don't know. I feel sick in the head a lot, but I don't know what it's like to feel like physically, like so sick. And I know that that's awful and I don't wish that all myself. But you know, during the Dancing with the Stars, I prayed to God to get injured, and I did. And sometimes I feel like I want to just like I know that if I asked for it, I'd be like so mad once I got it. I just don't want to migraine. I want any kind of sickness except the migraine. I think I can handle stomach. I just want something to get me out of the constant stream of text and emails that I get bombarded with every day. And I know that I'm very lucky to be working and having people want to work with me, but it is, it's just it's just too much. Me and THEO were talking. I did Theo's podcast this weekend and we were talking about just um burnout and like when and I think people, anyone who even is unemployed, can feel burnout of just like I gotta work on my garden, I gotta clean the garage. I gotta take the kids to school. I gotta take the kids to practice. I gotta take the kids a little league. I gotta have the cable. I gotta meet the cable man. Like just saying yes to too many things, too many things have to get done, and then nothing gets done. I just feel that if you say no to this one thing, that could have been the thing that makes someone Like if I say no to a podcast, a producer or someone who an actress or someone who wants to work with me could have heard me and been like, I want to work with her, and like that leads to this opportunity that I missed because I just didn't do this one podcast. But an opportunity that will put more on your plate that will actually make you unhappy. No, an opportunity that actually I might like that will make me so much money that will make it so that I can, you know, retire sooner my parents, by my parents a house, you know, like it's money. I get. Yeah, It's like, there's this photo shoot that I just turned down that's like this amazing photo shoot that's done by this amazing photographer and um and it would be in New York right before I'm doing Seth Meuyers next week. It would be on that day, and I'm like, I want to focus on my Seth Buyers interview. I don't want to style myself. I don't want to pay a thousand dollars per look for a stylist to come in when I'm not getting paid for this thing. It's up for a magazine no one's even heard of. But it would be cool pictures that I would have the rest of my life. And I need new pictures because I've aged significantly since my last ones. UM. And it would be these really cool like Vogue E type like model shots. UM. And I turned it down because I just don't want to start. I don't want to come up with three outfits. I can't. I have to go on The Talk this week. I have to go on Conan's podcast, so I have to at least wear something cute from the bottom up or from the waist up. I had to go on Bill Maher's podcast. That's a full outfit. The Talk is a full outfit because I think I have to walk to the desk. Um. Seth Meyer's next next week is a full outfit. Um. It's like coming up with outfits is alone, like just such a hair and makeup to like like figuring out that I'm doing a shoot with the Hollywood Reporter tomorrow. Um, it's all just like so everything you say yes to isn't just like showing up, even podcasting like the use podcasts. I look as like a quarter of a million views within two hours or something, you know, like that's gonna have more views than my TV show on E Like and I'm not and I'm wing it. I'm doing my hair and makeup on the uber. They're like, where are my priorities? I mean, I just I don't want to do anymore. I mean, these are champaign problems in a way, but they're real problems. They're not it's not fake. It's not like just because it sounds like I don't know, like on the flip side, like look at my ship right now, like I have I feel like, um, some I'm somewhat successful in this business, right Like I I make more money probably in stand up comedians, you know. I if I do, like put on a show in Nashville, I'm sure my ticket sales aren't like insane, but they're pretty decent. I bet if I called and asked, like, man, engagement is good. I talked to an agent and he's like, oh, I'll give you to one of my you know, below agents, you know, like something, but it will be on my team. And then he talks to his team and they're like, well, actually no one can take you right now, even the below agents. So like the flip side of what you're going through, and like here I am as someone that I know, like if you put me, I will do well and stand up and I could probably draw a decent amount and they don't even want to make the phone calls for me to get and none for them. Agencies don't if these are problems of like I can't even get someone to get me something, even though now I'm just reaching out the clubs myself. Now that's like my new thing. I got this. That's what you do, That's what everyone does. My point is, though, is that like like here you are having opportunities sent out you, and then on the flip side here I can't even get so together. I'm just saying like to that, like so I don't know. I'm just trying to put things maybe in perspective problems and you proved it. Let's the break, We'll be right back. Hand raut. Every rose is a thorn. I did that one. That one. It's okay. I don't think you've ever said every road is before. Yeah, think about it. We're back. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. And I'm not trying to be like I'm not trying to be not grateful for the things, but I'm just a little bit saying like it, Um, yeah, I I've been I've been in your shoes. I've been in these sandals I'm wearing, and it doesn't get easier for some reason. And the difference is like you're making a living wage though like you're not, at least you're not like you know it, broke and having to do stuff you don't want to do necessarily for money. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, money, it's probably more than just money. It just what doesn't make sense to But that's the thing, Like I think I generate income however, like and future income and like yeah, I know, like some of these agents they only want to represent people that do theaters, but there are junior agents that are representing people that would be less of a draw than me that for some reason, I don't want you know, and granted, like I gotta go to maybe different agencies and talk to multiple and like I understand that, but I'm just saying, like it's just like some you know, some things just don't make sense in this business, like where like even in the past, like when I've done very well at clubs in New York and I didn't get a fair look, I felt like, you know, like I don't know, there's just a lot of like nose in this business where you think, well, why, like what is it about me that's not good enough? You know, like I don't know personally of course, I mean I didn't get on Comedy Central. I Comedy Central would not look at me, not acknowledge me. There was this you know, Live at Gotham was the show to get on, and then Comedy Central Presents was a thing that you couldn't even get a half hour until you got on on Live at Gotham. And I was in New York, I had been on the Tonight Show, I had been on Last Comic Standing, and they just would not ever acknowledge me. They would I would do their showcases every year to get on Live at Gotham or whatever they whatever kind of thing they had never ever and it was just like what is it? It's personal like and sometimes it is like, um, I was talking to a comic this weekend who's like, I can't get spots this place because the person new books it does not like me. Just I know they don't like me. I know why they don't like me. It's a misunderstanding, but they just don't like me. And I'm like, then like find another way then, like instead of complaining about why don't they like me, like just do just give up on that, because like, you can't convince someone to like you really, I mean, it's gonna be their thing. I remember the second that I got an MPTV show, Comedy Central came calling because it's like, oh, someone else likes you, now we want you. Or it was like you know the people that we're controlling that we're saying yes to things that Comedy Central just kind of got a bad idea of who I was because I was like dating comedians and they thought I was just like they dismissed me because they thought I was just some like stupid whore that like wanted to be a good comedian by fucking them or something. Even though I wasn't. And I think that once they got to know me, they you know, at a party like like you know, a Christmas party at a club once and I met the people that were making the decisions, they were like, oh, we actually do like like, I don't know what happened, but it was never in my control. Yeah, it's running. The agent that I spoke to was like, oh, I just assumed you had an agent. You know. That's another thing that is a way to look at it, Like, oh, they probably assumed that I have someone like some one helping. But it's whatever. I don't know. I'm just like, it's just you know, I sent out probably like thirty different emails to clubs and you hear back from like one after like two weeks, and you're just like, do I write again? I guess I'll just send another one. You know. It's just it's, you know, whatever it is. But um, that's good that you did that. Though, yeah, no if you if you it felt proactive. It feels like I'm actually like, you know, I'm feeling motivated about it, and you know that felt good to just do it. So and I've got um, but it is what it is. Uh, what else has been going on. It is what it is, you know, like the Roses Thorne. You know, it's just like such a thing that you say. It never makes anyone feel better about anything. Hey, it was what it was. It's like the like it is what I'll never forget. It's a part of a bit I used to do. But my friend Um who discovered one night when we were all showing each other our Labia's um one night because I was like, I was the first one of all my friends. I was my first of my friends to like feel insecure about my vagina and they didn't even know that they should feel insecure about their's based on like what people talking, you know, like basically they're not listening. My friends were not listening to what men had were saying. I've always I had to say, I've always been more SENSI to like what what men around me are saying about women's bodies, what the internet is saying, Like I scope out, you know, land mines that I could possibly avoid to not get made fun of or not be called ugly or not be unlovable. And one of the things I found was like if you have a fucking sloppy pussy, and that men will make fun of you and they don't like it. And so one night at a college party, I told my friends, like I got drunk and like, I think it was the first time admitted like I hate my vagina and I think there's something wrong with it, and like I'm not ever going to hook up with anyone until i can get surgery and I'm saving up for it. And they were just like what. And then we all went in the bathroom to compare because it was like me, I think it was meet Kirsten Halla. And then there was a couple I'm not gonna say names, but it was in no it was that's the corn up version, but it was all it was just all my best friends, but it was it was a I've done this a lot in different parts of my life, but this was the first time I did. And it was in Kansas City, Missouri, downtown Casey. We runned a hotel I forget what for, and I remember my friend like they were there were I do a longer a bit about it. I'm not gonna like do the whole bit, but my one friend had really really long labe up, like way longer than mine, and it made me feel so good because I'm like, she doesn't care about hers like there like and she doesn't. She's like hooks up a lot. She's like, I've never had any complaints, like it's mine. And then my other friend had like nothing, and it was like her vagina was perfect, and I was like, of course, yours is like amazing. And maybe you can guess who that is based on who I talked about before, who just seems to like like hiking and like decorating. She just wants to bring that perfect pussy everywhere. Yeah, it was just like it was so as soon as I saw it, I was just like, of course, and and you know that friend, this one is trying to get like like she's she's super thin and fit and like the rest of her friends are bitching about feeling like fat, and like she goes like, yeah, I know, I'm like so bloated, and you're like, get the funk out of here. Like they tried it. They want to feel a part of the group of like they want to join in on those self hating women talk, but they can't really because it's almost like me bitching about my career and you being like, well, look at what I like and you're like, yeah, look look at my my laby. I didn't even get a call back. That's how I got into clubs. I was like, I got this amazing laby A joke you gotta see. Um, you should write them about your labia, which is really just your ball sack as a woman. Um So there, But then there was this one friend of mine that had like an in between, like if you were like, you know, goldilocks. She was like the mild one, but they were still longer than maybe. I showed pictures of like this is what men like, I guess, and please don't write me and be like I love meaty pussies. Please. It disgust me when you write that. I don't care what you like. Anyone who's listening, do not write me what you prefer in bed that I shouldn't be insecure about mine. Don't fucking write me anything about my vagina. It is my thing to talk about, not yours to comment on. Please God stop. Um So she wrote to or she um she was like a little bit traumatized. She was like, fuck, I didn't even know this was a thing. And I'm like it is like you're unlovable, Like you need to get surgery, like we can you know, save up together, because hers were a little bit more like mine, and she was like really like bombed out. And it was like I suddenly gave her this new insecurity that seconds before she had would never have thought about herself. And this is a friend of mine who like shares all the same insecurities I do, a really good friend. And so she was just like I could see and it was nice for me to like share this burden with someone. She was really sad. And then she was like, I have to call Steve and she was like I was like what she So she calls her ex boyfriend, who is in a different time zone and out like at parties we were in college, and she called him one speaker phone and she's and we're drunk and she's drunk and she's like Steve and he's like, yeah, what's up. He's like, Hey, I have a quick question, like you know my like you know my labia and he's like, um what. She's like, so my vagina okay, and he's like yeah. He's like She's like, are I like labia like the lips that like hang out? Is it? Like? Are they like really long? And he was like yeah, and she was like she was like she was like like the longest like you've ever seen. He's like yeah, probably, and we're all wingerphone waiting and then she goes, is that a bad thing, and he just goes, I mean, it is what it is, and it was just like, oh, yeah, is what it is. Which is what you say if you like, lose your arm in war or something like listen, no one wants this, but it is what it's like a defeatist like, it's it is what it is, is never proceeded by anything or preceded by anything good, like I want a million dollars. I mean, it is what it is. That it's always I lost a million dollars. It is what is. And so after that we will be will be say raw, so raw, that's what you know? Yeah, in case or rassara whatever, will will I be pretty, will be will be I guess it's a precursor to is man just it is what it is. If you can ever avoid using that in response to your woman's body, please try your own story about your crude. I saw a fucking picture of myself last weekend that was the state, Like, dude, it was so what it is. It was. It was I'm not even joking you. I showed Carlile because she was commented on some like you know, she was saying, like I'm so fat right now whatever. She was like lamenting about her body, as women often do. And she like showed me a picture like, look at this picture someone took me on stage. Look at my double chip. It was a bad picture of her. She just did not look herself, and I go, oh, I had that moment to look at this and like I could see how much she couldn't spin it. There was nothing to be said about, like that's not really what you look like, like it was me from the back wearing a one piece, and she goes, Honestly, Nikki, I've been doing this thing where I do twenty squads today. Like it really like it was about every It was about my arm, my butt, my back, my hump, my hump, shoulder, my legs, my cellulite, like it was about everything that could be wrong in a photo. I just didn't know I looked like that at all at all. And Chris's brother took the picture and then air dropped it to all of us, and all I could picture is Jack's wife, who is like an adorable little tiny thing zooming in on that picture much like I would if my husband were with like a famous comedian, and like I kind of like not that she Like, I just know that any time I zooming on women's bodies all the time, if I go, oh my god, they're kind of like not perfect, let me zoom in like, and I was like, how do I get that off their fucking phones? Because we all shared to each other, and I took Chris aside and I was like, no more pictures of me in a swimsuit without like and you cannot, we cannot air drop to those to everyone like I feel. So he's like, do you want me to get them back? Like I was like no, because then it's a thing. But I can't do this. And it was so hard for me not to let that ruin my fucking weekend. Um but and I said it to Anya because I just wanted to like send it to everyone that like I knew could not like there was no like it's bad lighting, it's a bad angle. You don't look like the way and it's like, no, you have put on some weight. This is not a good look. No one would ever say that is an attractive body. It looks like it should be a National Enquirer, like you know, the stars are are not like any of it. Like it's almost like, you know, one of those like the most horrifying picture that could ever be of me. And I was like, I forget what my point was, but it was it is what it is. I've let it go. I have started doing squads. I didn't like your way of getting like ahead of something that that was sent to a lot of people, and send it to more people. You know what I mean, because I want other people. I want to be able to go like my friends can't lie to me because you know, and then and then and then it confirms to me like I am undesirable. I know that they would probably kill themselves if they looked like this, Like that's what I always do, is like where there are the photos you liked of yourself in that drop box? And by this way, when I say cold myself and kill yourself, you looked like that. Please don't be like Nikki. I'm bigger than you, so this makes this hurts my feelings. Here you say this, I'm allowed to not like my body no matter what size I am, and so are you. And it's not. It's not because of I'm not undesirable. I know that deep inside, and my female psyche it gets through that I am because I'm a little bit depressed because I'm living in a fucking you know what. You know what I did yesterday? I went to I went to the pool and I had like a dark like workout shirt on. I just went in the pool with the shirt on, rolled the sleeves up to work on you know, the upper arm dan because I have an insane farmer's dand right now from playing golf so much, and I just leaned into wearing a T shirt in the pool. At first people were like what are you doing? And then eventually like no one can say what are you doing? Well, Brenna was kind of just like, you're not taking the shirt off, and I was like, no, I'm just going going with the shirt in the pool. And honestly, I felt more like usually when I'm at the pool, I'm uncomfortable because my shirts off and I just feel like my body's okay, but like certain positions, like I just feel like I have manned tits a lot of time, and it's just like and uh, and I have a little bit of hair on my back whatever, and so I had my T shirt on. I sat at the pool for like two hours. I've never been more comfortable. And it was just like leaning into just stuff, being like, oh, no, I'm gonna do this thing. But I guess she's ever take your shirt off sex either, So the only time you would see it is a shower by yourself. Right, cool, it's a cooler farmer or a massage. But do you still leave your shirt on during sex? No? I take it off. I mean there's certain positions where I'd rather not, um have my shirt off. If I'm standing up and fucking shirt, it's great. But if I'm like leaning over and I could look down and I hate hanging over, and I see I hate it. They've got to be really stacked and like full for that like hangover like utters. Yes, they're bad. Okay, let's get to the news. Like my lower stomach will hang like not past my dick. But just like it's hard to like our biggest fear is we're unfuckable, and yet we're fucking someone during this and yet we still feel unfuckable. Like that's our real fear is like someone's gonna not love us and that we're not fuckable. But we First of all, you're sucking someone that does love you. Yet you still I feel like it is happening in the moment, yet you still feel unfussible. Why are they fucking me? I don't deserve this pleasure. Why are you fucking me? What's wrong with you? Yes? What's wrong? Literally? Nick? At me. I'm right on top of you. Look at me. We have so much show to get to. Let's get to the news first. I hope you had all the swells this weekend. It sounds like we did too. We love our bodies. It's great here having all the swells. Um, yeah, it's Monday. You know what that means. It's Monday. All right, back to you know in the studio over there in Arizona. Thanks Andrew, You're welcome, and over to you too. Then back to all right. Well, Nikki's in l A this week. She's got a lot of appearances, as we heard about in the first segment. Um so, but something that everyone needs to be aware of because on Saturday, July six, the Suicide Prevention Lifeline is getting a new number. Dialing eight will connect you with people who can help in a mental health crisis. Yeah, eight July sixteen. There's also the date of my special coming out called Good Clean Filth. I thought this was crossed promotion. Yeah, yeah, I know what number. I'll be dialing that night when the when the tweets don't come in? Wait, what was the suicide number? Before? Was like really long? It was that one song? Yeah, no, what was it? I didn't I don't just have it. I mean I don't have a memorize because it's just in my phone under help you know, No, I don't have it in my phone, like but we don't have any But it was that song. Remember that song? I love that song. That's logic. It would be so hard to um request that at a radio station, like you know, like if you're calling in. I think that's the number that it made on the charts. To know that was actually a good song, I think of that. It doesn't that doesn't conjure any lyrics for me. I was trying to think of like what the lyrics were to like spur any sort of like sing a long thing here, But I can't remember it. Yeah, that's a nice song lyrics, Hold on, I want to look it up. Um, I've been on the low. I've been taking my time. I feel like a mat A mom mand that. I feel like my last faint mine. Who can relate? That's so good. I don't want to be alive. I don't want alive. Yeah that song is really good. Um but yeah, that he named it, now he can rename that's on nine eight. So if you're feeling suicide, call and someone will talk to you. That's pretty that's a pretty nice thing out there. I wonder how long it'll take them to get back in Detroit. Oh my god, yeah, no kidding. If you call nine one one and detroited, what did they say? It takes an hour for them to do. That was one of my jokes from when we were in Detroit. When I had to look up things about it. It was like, yeah, the average weight time is like an hour for the cops to respond to a call. Like if you call the cops and you get through to one, which, by the way, when I called the cops to get through when I we were in Detroit because we saw a car accident about to happen, it kept ringing and I never got through and they did call me back. But um, yeah, so called nine eight. Don't call nine one one if you're feeling suicidal. Um, no, what were you gonna say? You said something else about this? Oh, I was going to say that. Also, the suicide hotline is not just for suicide. It's call if you're having a mental mental health crisis of any kind, or if someone you're concerned about is about is thinking of suicide and you want to find ways to help them. Oh, that's not the I T guy that works for like Amazon is also that suicide. Like I used to date someone who volunteered for that. He was an aspiring comedian, He had no personality. It was perfect for him for a suicide. That sounds like you'd want to Yeah, because you have to be neutral nation you got to talk to people logically literally like the Yeah, I would do that, I think, but I would feel so burdened, Like I don't know. Sometimes I feel like even when like my friends or like other people in my life get really sad and like need my help, I like kind of I'm like, oh, now it's up to me that this person doesn't kill themselves, Like I don't want this, Like do you ever feel that way when a friend is like deeply in need and you're like, but I and too busy right now, Like I literally can't and now it's up to me that you don't hurt. You're like, what do I do? It's it feels sometimes like I get scared and I get a little bit resentful where I'm like where someone is like I really need you right now and like puts it all on you. I don't think I've ever done that when I was feeling like really sad. Um. And that's when you call that fucking line. Actually is when your friends are not able to be there for you, or maybe you don't have friends, which is not a fucking crime. If you don't have friends, it's sometimes call it's you, it's your buddy. I'm at work right now. I'm working a suicide hotline, so I can't be here. Wait is that you, Dave? I can't say who it is. Uh, you didn't text me back. Yeah, I'm working, so I'm making you want to baby. The next news story, Okay, the next news story is about your favorite Starbucks um After launching its new chicken sandwich this week or last week, they quietly pulled it off the market because of complaints of diarrhea yeah, um, chicken squirrel shed. Guys, stop it, stop it with your It's healthy, just that. But coffee makes the diuretic makes you ship so much like they're like, yeah, I drinking coffee, I'm shipping before I take the first sip. That's great. Love it too? A chicken chip not so much? Yeah, that's interesting. Ship. What a great name for a little bit a little chicken shit. Oh it is a really good one. It's I mean, I can't even I don't even want to. I'm like, I'm so not in the mood to talk about chickens and why we shouldn't be more than the fact it was diarrhea. Yeah, but never mind. Every do you like having? Would you rather have sol diarrhea ships or art ships? Um, that's a good question. I would rather have diarrhea because at least I feel thin. I mean, I cannot stand like U t I s feel like in cramps, feel like you have to take a ship out of your vagina and it hurts so bad, Like I just hate having hard things down there. It's so But diarrhea is terrible. But again, I love an excuse to get out of anything. And when you have diarrhea, you really can't leave your place. You can't do anything, and you can tell someone you're sick and then you just sit on the toilet, which sucks. Both of them suck. But man, I saw this great thing today. There's this girl that I met through mutual friends and we kind of like we hung out a little bit, but we always just followed each other on Instagram and she has a baby now, and she posted this thing on her Instagram story today that was you know, She like wrote, like what you're about to see actually happened. I am a new mom, and I was feeling hungover this morning and kind of like pissed at myself for even going to this musical festival last night even though I'm a new mom, but like I deserved it, but also like I'm fucking suffering today. And I walked in to my daughter who was in one of those like little like round things where they just like kind of bounce and they like stand up. Babies can stand up, but it's like round and they can spin around, you know, And she was like my daughter, I like it was maybe not being the most attentive mom today. She had diarrhea. It ran down her leg, onto the onto the surface that would she bounced and my daughter is just slipping and slidding and like dancing upon her diarrhea. And then she posted the video of it, and it's so funny and it makes me feel like I just was like, thank you for posting this, because I bet so many moms can relate of just like fucking like I look away for like I give myself five extra minutes where my husband is maybe like I know he is nearby watching TV. He falls asleep, and our daughter is dancing and her diarrhea, and like what a real moment that was that. I just don't think a lot of moms post that stuff because it's just humiliating and you feel like a neglectful mom. But really it's just like you're allowed to look away for a little bit. So she probably looked just like her the night before at the dance. The baby was so happy too, and just like sliding around like than watching a baby et pudding and not give a fuck, Like they don't give a fuck the idea there are such mailboxes like they don't they're not affected the baby's cannons or of your anger, but they just don't care. It's so freeing and that's why when you look at a baby, they have perfect posture there. But if they're sitting up and they have no back to a chair and they're just sitting, babies have perfect posture. They're not weighed down by life yet, they're not touched over when they're on a device there, they just look down with their head like this, which is where you're supposed to look down. You're supposed to they haven't had a cell phone yet, you're yeah, but when you but if you're natural, like your natural way to look at things is there's like um there, you just kind of take your ears and if there was a bar going through right where your ear is, pretty much that's where your head should rotate from to go up and down. That's all you need side to side. You don't need to do your neck like this. You just need this. That's all you need. And babies do that naturally. And babies also sit up straight naturally and have their butt like kind of babies look like they're like waddling, but that's the natural way to sit. Like I saw a baby. When I'm sitting without a chair back, I'm like much immediately. And babies, if you watch a baby, try to naturally walk like a baby or sit like a baby, and you'll be doing it the natural way because babies aren't burdened by life yet. And when babies cry, they aren't stifling their cries yet because they're not they're not trying to be polite, they're not worried what other people think. So babies they sound so loud because their bodies are completely comfortable, so their bodies are vibrating and making this sound get so much bigger. Whereas human us humans were so tense and when we cry, we're like like it stays up in your head. But if we were relaxed and letting it cry, like really letting ourselves, our cries would be so much louder because our body would vibrate like like an instrument. It's very interesting. Let's go to break and come back with um. Top bottom one. Alright, we're back. It's Monday, so it's time for top one, bottom one and the category today as something in a hotel tell room. Okay, top one, bottom one things in your hotel room, in a hotel room, any hotel room that you like and then don't like. Um, let's start with bottom. I'll go first. The worst thing in a hotel room is how I got to I'm sorry, I always go to um no place to charge your phone. Next like the charge like the plug to plug in your phone, you have to like pull out the bed, which is disgusting because you see all the things that the maid didn't has never gotten over thousands of stays. Or the plug is just like precarious, like we need plugs next to the bed for your phones at Airbnb's at hotels. If you don't have that going on at your Airbnb, give me my money back, bit that is insane. And then secondly, the most disgusting thing in a hotel room that I didn't learn until I did Last Comic Standing in two thousand and six. I it was not a road comic before that, so I didn't have experience in hotels. I remember I got to the Hilton Garden in in two dozen six and I was staying with jack you Cation because we were at the semifinals for Last Coming Standing. She's another comedian, Jacucation, and we were sharing hotel room and Doug Benson came by to like just hang out because he was also a semifinal and we were all staying at the same hotel kind of quarantine there. And he came by and he was like, and Jackie's bed had the top sheet off and mine still was on. And he was like, I can tell here who is a road comic and who is actually experienced room comic. And I was like, and he was like, because the fact that you left that on, like it's like she like, and now when I'm on and the road, that thing comes off lickety split. Like now I stay at nicer hotels, but like that have like nice betting that they washed the dube. But like there are times where I still stay at like double trees or courtyards. That top sheet, whatever it is, there's a top thing that you can remove that doesn't involve the whole comforter. Get it the funk off your bed, especially if it's like a quilted thing or a runner at the bottom of the bed. That thing never gets washed. Get it off your bed, Do not set anything on it, do not touch it. And I am someone who is dirty as fuck. I do not care at all about germs, and that thing I would never ever leave on my bed. I pick it up with my fingers like I'm picking up a dirty taper. The tips of my fingers with my nails and then I wash my nails. So um, that is if you if you're not an experienced traveler, just know that is the dirtiest thing in a hotel room besides the pillows, and bring your own pillow. Pillows are disgusting, maids. Have I've watched enough things and I actually did a segment on my show Not Safe about the dirtiest thing in a hotel room, and it is by far the pillows. The pillowcases are washed, but the pillows underneath are horrific that even a pillow case, you would not trust it to protect you from what happens on those pillows so much Seaman gets wiped on them. Even I wipe like my like, if I'm using a toy and it's like as some stuff on it, I will wipe it on the pillow next, Like it's gross. Guys, all right, what's your least favorite thing in a hotel room? Well, now it's the top sheet. Um, I didn't even think of it. I've already helped someone. You know, it's really frustrating, but it's it's not It's not in enough hotel rooms to become an insane problem. For a lot of people, but I just hate it. Is the shower that you have to get to the heat. You have to go through the water, so like the door is set up that it goes in, so you have to get wet with very cold water to turn the shower on. And it's like your ronic is bullshit. It's bullshit, and you have so much money to just fix it. It's like and and it's probably some dickhead like engineer designer that's like, oh, I'm doing it different. I'm showing the world that I I studied abroad in my rid or whatever ever. That might just be me. I've lived there for two weeks, not to brag. But whoever designed that thinks they're being like clever or whatever, stop it. Just stop it. Just fucking have a curtain or a door that opens out. You have to get your arm wet and the wet And I know this is like so first word world problems, but like getting your wet, getting your arm wet with like wet cold water when you're just trying to turn on and figure out the shower itself to like pull the right thing, because sometimes there's a knob that switches it from the overhead shower to the side thing or like the little novel. Yeah, so you're doing all You're pulling all these levers and you to get wet doing it. It is insane. I don't even know. I don't understand how the engineering could be that bad. And so many hotels this happens all the time. Yeah, it's wild, So fucking fix it. Yeah, good one bottom. Okay, wait, so mine is also bathroom related thing. I cannot stand when they put the sink outside of the actual bathroom and you're like literally flossing and brushing your teeth in the middle of the room. Yes, yes, and you know, I just like a sink belongs in the bathroom, please, especially if I'm paying for the room. That is a good point. Okay, I like that too. It's never really bothered me, but now it really is. Um. I think it never bothered me because it kept me accountable to washing my hands because I would then encounter it in the hallway and I go, oh, I gotta do this. And if I'm sharing a hotel room with someone, it like it's really got to happen. Yeah, if I'm sharing a room with someone, then they can they see too much of what I do. It's like, yeah, hate when I need to shoot in the sink because it's clogged the toilet and they have to will watch me then ship in the same thing that gets wasted after Like you just open it and it's one stay and use it for one hand washing and then you just go, oh, well, that's just gonna go the little Every time I use the little plastic things, I'm just like, God, this is all just so fucking wasteful. It's just a constant reminder. The hotel room, I'm saying out now, is like this eco friendly place. The key cards are wooden chips. They're little round wooden chips the size of like eight poker ship and in the bathroom and it has a timer like that you would come in the game of like Milton Bradley is like sorry, you know, like it's like a little sand and you flip it when you go in the shower so that you don't waste too much water. Um. And it's also like this this hotel is supposed to be like you only stay here to relax. Even when you go onto their WiFi, it's like we know that you're just here to relax. But sometimes as you need a little WiFi, and it's like, who is ever relaxing ever anymore? Um, so yeah, I'm staying at this. I do like this hotel though it's smells so fucking good in the lobby, even though I haven't even been there in a while because I stay in my room all day and I use a weird exit to get out. But I do get off at face Jim, which is where they go pummel your face. Oh face massage is so good. Okay, let's get to the top. Final thought. Let's say our favorite things about hotel rooms. What we encounter that is our favorite thing. Anyone want to go first? I thought you were gonna. I'll go first. Blackout curtains a sufficient blackout curtain that I don't have to like there's not a sliver of light coming through. Um. And also one that gets you know cold. Um, this one gets down to sixty six degrees. I appreciate it very much. Uh that that is my favorite thing. Blackout curtains are so good. People always are like I don't get enough sleep. Oh I couldn't sleeping, Like, did you have the room dark? No one ever thinks about the light, Like that's what's waking you up. Light and sound, white noise, blackout curtain. Otherwise, I don't want to hear about you not getting sleep. You're not doing everything you can and it's very simple. Oh yeah, go ahead, Okay. So my favorite thing, uh, I mean, I guess there's a lot, but lighting. I like the hotels have like a light by the bed, a light in the corner. Like it's just it's more it's kind of like, wow, I don't know how to do this in my own house, and it's cool that I haven't here. There's like accident lightning. Yes, a bedside light is so cruise. I also love um. I love like a different kind of mattress than you get usually you get to kind of try out different things. I love um robes, um. I love the amount of towels was in Microbiculous movie, but he was you know about being a comic on the road, but using towels as napkins is like my favorite thing is like draping a towel on me and like just wiping my hand, like just being able to get so dirty because you have so many napkins and their towels. There's something really nice to about having a limited amount of clothes. When you go to a hotel where even if you destroy the hotel you throw everything everywhere, it's not that much stuff where it feels like you're weighted down, which is nice. I was gonna say, I was thinking about robe. I love a robe because I don't I'm not a robe guy during my real life, So when I do it at a hotel, it's extra special, and I really feel like a billionaire that I could just tell people what to do and clip my toe nails and ship and be like. I mean, Jim Gaffcan has a bit about it. But the fact that robes we try them on and we wear them is so disgusting that like, if you found a secondhand robe at Goodwill, you'd be like, got this robe from Goodwill? You'd be disgusted. Or if you've got a mattress, a used mattress from goodwill, Yet we sleep unused mattresses, use used robes, and we act like they're new or something. But Andrew's dick has been like all inside those wiping around. Yeah, but I'm not using Yeah, but I have a hotel condom from the last guy on, so it doesn't touch the robe, you know, me for this interview. Um yeah, that's a good point. Um no, no, I get that, I get that. But the things that goodwill are just sitting there at least there. You know that it's probably clean that day, you know. I mean no, but even if someone said this mattress is used, and the people before it were like, you know, the one owner use it, buying a used mattress, Like people don't do that, but we are, like we celebrated in the hotel room. And Gavigan has a great bit about the hotels where like the level of disbelief that we live in to enjoy all the things that thousands of people before you have used and their genitals on. I mean, it's truly disgusting. I can't believe that some of the discussing things I've done or accidentally done in hotel rooms, knowing that, like I am not that gross of a person if I've done them, Like what could what are what are people capable of? I mean, really, you've you've you've got you've had to have had some really gross things happened in a hotel room. Yeah, I've done some gross things. I've been lazy about certain clean up situation. Ship your pants last week. I feel like you probably have gotten shipped somewhere in a hotel room. Before that was the toilet. I'm gonna plead the fifth, all those fifth, all right, we gotta go, I gotta do an interview. We'll be back tomorrow with more show. Thank you guys for putting up with my mood. Today I'll be in a better mood. And next time, uh, you know, it comes and goes, but don't be cut out there and Jack Globe Jackhammer four