#23 MIC THE MEN!

Published Apr 29, 2021, 1:00 AM

Nikki opens up about doing her best to stop exaggerating and to keep calm and text later! Andrew is giddy about the Task Rabbit putting together furniture, upskirts and Nikki's latest dirty subscription. You Heard it Here First stories include a ride from hell, reliving past relationships and a sexy shave. Nikki addresses some feedback and Andrew explains his new fire safety tool in the Final Thought.

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The Nikki Glazer Podcast. Year's Nikki. Hello, Welcome to the podcast. Everyone. We're very far into our It's Wednesday, it's ciz our fifth week, sixth week, I don't even know. Welcome to the show. If you're here for the twenty second time, or you're here for the first time, welcome. I'm Nicky Glazer. I'm a comedian and you might know me from Netflix and roasts and different appearances on Many Things. To Tell the Truth on ABC, which I'm going back to film very soon. I'm very excited about that. It's a fun show. That's not what this is about. UM. I just wanted to welcome you to the show. If you've listened all the time, I'm really sorry to bore you with all this. Thank you for listening to the ads at the top of the show. Thank you to people who I literally just met a guy downstairs who is a friend of mine that I was working. I'm in the Cayman Islands. I just finished working on a show. Yere. The show is over, but I'm staying in the Cayman Islands because there's no COVID here and I don't want to go back to the States until I absolutely have to, which turns out to be this Saturday. But I've spent a guy downstairs, um who dropped off something special for me to eat tomorrow, and um, that's all I'll say. And he was like, how do I hear your podcast? And I was like, he was like, I liked it on Instagram, but like I don't know how to hear. I'm like, what what do you mean? I'm like, this is a really cool guy that like should know like podcasts, you've got to listen to podcasts like and people go, I want to listen to your podcast, and I go, but you've never heard a podcast. I go, don't start with mine. And these are always people that are just not very comedy. They're they're not like comedy connoisseurs if they haven't heard of podcast before. So I'm not like trying to get them into mine as much as I'm like, why don't you check out Serial Season one? Podcasts are like a medium of which are up against TV show like TV shows, movies, books, podcast like it's a way to be entertained and educated. I would say educated more so than um even TV or movies sometimes depending on the documentary or series that you're watching. But like, I've learned so much from podcasts, You'll learn a lot from this one too, although I am not an expert in anything. Andrew Colin will be here shortly. He is my co host on the show. I just felt like, you know that some people are tuning into this for the first time and they don't know the situation. So I'm in the Cayman Islands. Usually I'm living in St. Louis, which I will be back there and Saturday. I live with my best friend Andrew Colin. He's a forty one year old comedian who I met as my dog walker, but now he's my best friend and my roommate. He moved to St. Louis for me from New York City to start the podcast and be my roommate because I lived in St. Louis for the quarantine with my parents. Before that, I was living in New York or l A. And I couldn't keep living with my parents. I wanted to live on my own. But I no longer do comedy every night, which is something that made it so I could live alone because I was never home and I don't like being alone. So the fact that my life was very different, I needed to live with someone. I asked Andrew to move in with me. I asked him to be my podcast co host. Noah is my podcast cast producer who you here on the other end. She is an Arizona and this that, and it brings us to the Nickicklayser podcast. We're here daily Monday through Thursday. You get it. Um. Yeah, I just wanted to catch people up. There's nothing that annoys me more than like being like, hey, listen to this podcast and then you're listening to it with a friend, like it's your favorite podcast, but you like listen to it in the car with them, and there's like all these inside jokes and there's all these things that people don't understand. And I was thinking about this show yesterday if people were just jumping in, I'm like, I just assume they know, but they might not know. So every now and again, I like to give a little refresher. Um. But yeah, it's I am in the Cayman Islands. Still. Of course, I had an insane day yesterday of podcasting. I did our podcast, i'd three other podcasts, and then I did a zoom call with girlfriends to catch up with them. So that is five podcasts that is five. Like at the end of all of it, my girlfriends are like, Okay, we can't wait to talk, and I'm like, yeah, even though the podcast with them was not recorded, even though it should have been, because it was amazing, so helpful. Because I have been going through romantic struggles, a breakup, I guess, a heartbreak. I have needed to rely on my friends a lot. It's something I can't talk about on podcasts because of the nature of it, that being like, you know, it's just I will talk about it someday because I'm finding it very hard to find things, uh podcast or well, actually i haven't really looked into podcast but I've been having a hard time finding things to make me feel better about it. Naturally, that's not true. That is not true. I found stuff, but there needs to be more. So I will be talking about it at some point when I'm ready to process it, but uh, not on air yet, which for me is a really big struggle, and it's a it's hard to not be completely I'm not not being honest with you guys. That's another thing about this podcast. I never lie, or I try not to. Yesterday I accidentally lied. Um what did I say? I was on a podcast and I said that I it was something like, oh, I lied about having podcasts. I was like, this is my fifth podcast today, and it was like my fourth and I was like, that didn't feel good. So I regret that lie, but generally I don't lie. Yeah, as long as you don't lie on this podcast, yeah, that's where okay, But I don't. I try not to lie in my regular life too. I'm trying to catch those moments where I go, I know, I told you I had two bowls of oatmeal, or like four bowls of oat meal. It was three. And it wasn't like I exaggerate little things here and there, because I come from a lineage of people who exaggerate. By either way, if it serves the story, you can always any time my dad says anything that you go, wow, that's some kind of impressive take it down or at in either way it would be less impressive. And that is my dad's true It's the true stat So, yeah, oh, we spent we spent seventeen days in that jail, me and my friend. You mean, let's let's probably take it to twelve. Anyway. I don't like to lie in here, but um, I'm I'm learning how to not talk about everything. Um, but the thing is I will eventually, I just need time to process it. I'm trying not to talk about everything as it's happening, because that is where you get into sticky situations of uh, you know, the things I want to text right away, the things I want to email people right away when I get an nasty email, the things I wanna because we have immediate communication now with texting and everything, like there's no time to think did we talk about this before? Where it's like you used to have all weekend to think about what you were going to say to that person at school on Monday, and now you can just shoot a text off or let work. And it's just like, I am just trying to take more time to reflect before I make a statement about things, but it's so hard. Something I've learned in anger management is exactly that, Like, if you're really angry about something, just wait five minutes and you'll see that at the end of that five minutes you're not as angry as you were the five minutes before, and then try to extend a little bit more, a little bit more, and then in the end you just see that it's just not that big of a deal. So wait a second, do you have you gone to anger management classes like with my therapist? Oh, and she teaches you techniques. And it's how hard is it though? Because I don't have anger. I mean, obviously everyone has anger is shoes, but I don't. Those aren't the ones that I've had to confront and come up with a plan for. How hard is it when you are that angry to sit it out? And like, what are you supposed to do when that there's that urge? Because I have different urges that I have to, like, like sometimes I want to binge eat, like I just want to keep eating the thing I enjoy eating that I just finished. I'm going to do the rest of it. But I've learned now if I go put it away, I only take what I want to eat. I put it away, then I go play guitar after I'm done eating, even though I still want to eat, and the or just I get it out of my sight. There are certain things I can set myself up for so I can use that buffer zone where I won't feel the same about that package that I want to eat, and like lick what I'm done eating that work. But what do you do though, because I think that's more relatable of you want to scream or throw a plate or say something to someone and and you need to wait, what do you do? Well, Honestly, it's a lot of trial and error and you don't always succeed, but you literally go to court and there's a trial and you get a restraining order. Yeah, it's just something you have to keep top of. My You just constantly work on yourself. You're going to fail, and there's just like this diffused feeling after like an intense angry moment that is just the worst, and you just try to do whatever you can to not have that anymore. Can you give me an example of something you would do have out of anger that's completely embarrassing, Like the same way that I would literally like make eight crackers and cream cheese and then I'd eat ice, like literally scooped the cream the tofu cream cheese with like my fingers and go around the container. And I only wanted one serving, but now I'm finishing a container of creamy cheese. Like that feeling of hatred when it's done and you throw it in the trash, Like, what's that equivalent with like an angry outburst, because everyone knows that feeling of like why did I do that I didn't need to do that? Is that the same feeling of like self hatred? Yes, okay, I'll tell you one from a very long time ago, before I even started therapy or new that I had an issue. Um I was. I used to work with an X and UM back in the day when they had the flip phones. And I don't know, I don't remember what I was angry about, because that doesn't even matter. I was just so infuriated that I took his phone and I just broke it in half? What And I'm still I'm very embarrassed about it. Uh, it's just I don't know, like illogical. What did he do? Reactions? Well, thank goodness we were at work so that he couldn't like, I don't know what he would have done, but he was just so mad at me, and then he had to get another phone. But that wasn't the end of flip phones. That was probably the end of flip phones anyway, Like it was time for him to upgrade to like not you know whatever, like there was a last generation of flip phones. Oh my god, it's I bet so many fliphones got cracked by angry girlfriends because it was such an easy thing to correct. But girls through phones all the time, and so do guys. I mean, that's like the new way to like this thing that I feel like you're using against me in some way, I'm gonna shatter it and like, yeah, that makes sense. So okay, I guess we learned something today. Let's get Andrew in here. And I know Andrew has more uh he's not, as he does have angry issues, but I think they are more similar to my like scraping food out of a container that you always have one serving out of, as opposed to breaking a flip phone. But listen, we're all somewhere on this spectrum. Let's get into the show. Get my roommate um from another room. Uh uh, here with us too, to go through the headlines today. Andrew, what's up? How did you sleep last night? He I'm good, dude. Things are good over here in St. Louis. Got the new couch. Yeah you can see it in the background. That little baby, it's not even little, it's a big baby. Shout out. Our whole place is furnished by Burrow, which I love. Their furniture. So I'm excited to lay on it. And the guy that was so the task grab It came over and put together all of this freniture that was waiting for us when we came back from the Caymans. And yeah, he did it fast, right, he was unbelievable. This guy I went to work out, I did in my thirty minute uphill wall. You don't know what task grab it is. It's an app where you like hire people to do ship you don't want to do for yourself. It's an app and you just go on and you just are like, oh, I need someone to like get groceries from man, someone to like put together the shelf. I need someone to fuck my wife. Don't do that. That's that's off. That's that's what you Once you get them to build yourself, then you can go, hey, listen, I got another job for you. Well. The nice thing is I write out the directions of how to fund my wife, and it's all like directions with these people with this like circles, like you have a couple of parts left, and I was like, I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what I got. We have our own tools there because I have a box of so many dildos and vibrators. Oh my god, you can build nine skyscrapers of women with that thing. So many sex toys waiting for me to explore back at home. That got sent to me from someone. I mean Blessa, which is where I like get my porn from. This is not an ad, by the way, it's just like my if you're wondering where I pay for my porn, King dot com, Blacked Raw and Balessa b E L L E s A, And it's like that, that's like Blessa is like really good porn for like it just makes you feel like you're It's such a clean place to go and watch porn after you've been to Black Raw and King dot com. And by the way, Black Draws is my new subscription that I've been like wanting to subscribe to for so long, but it was too scared because I was scared that like it would be a ra or like someone would think that I was doing it because like that somehow it would get out and I would get canceled because it's like, why does this white girl going to Black draw which is like a bunch of black guys having sex with women and it's just But the thing is, the reason I do it is not because of a racial thing at least I don't think that subconsciously maybe, but it's because they're they're the only gang bangs I can find where the guys are like nice and enthusiastic and not mean to the girls, and that they're like, wow, girl, you're amazing, and they're just like, look at her. Do you love this? And she's like I love it. And they're not like yelling at her and making her feel like a dumb bitch. Like they're like really excited to be with her, and they're like taking care of her, and they're not like making her more uncomfortable than she might already be not uncomfortable, but like you know, it takes a lot to do a gang bang physically, so for you to also like be supportive of her emotionally is very important to me. And they're very vocal about like they're talking about what they're doing, they're talking about what she's doing, and like I like when guys talking porn, so I bit the bullet and I fucking I'm just like you. I related to you. When you sign up for only fans would you have before when you've been super horny on fans how you say it, but like I related to, like, I like, you know, when guys do things when they're horny that are so stupid for me paying month for the rest of my life because I don't even know how to cancel it for Black Raw just so I could get in there and see what they got, because because all of the Black Raw videos on other porn sites are always like not long enough, and they're always the best content on those other porn sides the free version, and so I'm like, if I get in there and I pay for it, turns out there's like eight gang Bang videos, which I'm sorry is not enough for month, but listen, it wasn't. I will pay. I pay thirty dollars to have those videos. Uh well, I guess quality over quantity. But the thing is I need new I can't watch the same one over and over. I can't, So that's my problem. Got you. Um There is also a thing called black which is b l A c K E D, which is great. I know. That's how I found Black Raw, But Black Raw, I don't know why I am on. It's blacked pretty much, is what I'm watching those videos. Is I liked black, but I don't like three minutes of them. I want thirty five minutes of it. I don't want to see that. I want to see. I don't like when they cut right to the act. I want to see the act start. I want to see it like go in. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like, I don't know, but what it's happening. Let's see how we got there. It does It frustrates me when they're like, hey, what are you doing in this park? And his digs entered the next scene, It's like, why is she in the Oh, that's not what I mean. I mean I don't want story. I want if there is a gang bang putting it. I'm sorry to our listeners who are like this is really grotesque, but this is like, I think this is important. I want to see without being too uh. I want to see how she got in that position and how they all got to be it where they are not again? No, No, what do you understand what I'm saying? Yes, I know I'm sucking around. You don't even need like the sex part. You just need to know what happened. No, I do need the sex part. I need to see how the penis has got in her, and I need to see them go in her. If I could be directly, I don't want to cut are already in her, just cut to it, and all the penises are in her in their mid act. I want to see how she took on that many and how each one was introduced, and like how she felt about it, because a lot of times a girl is like has to like really like push through to get those things, and it like to do that. It's like a feat of physicality, and so I want to see them. I get what you're saying, because it really does turn me on when the girl goes because that's happy making poor. Will you not? There is a whole subreddit called when it Goes In and it's a girl's face when it goes in? So why are you cutting around that? And will you please Mike the men Mike Mike Man and men who are in porn, will you please be nicer and be like very uh enthusiasts. I need to I need a direct porn one girl, one girl needs to go gentle, Andrew, Gentle, you're so big, Gentle, I mean, that's not all I want in life. No, they go harder, well, just aggressively, and that someone will go with these little nubs. I need like five, I need five more hands. Oh man, I'm sorry you've never heard that, but I've never heard it either, because they don't Mike the man the man. Wait, no, that's the girls know any of their songs. It's so hard to say goodbye to that Penis. And I can't believe I've never heard that song that you guys are like is a classic. Yeah, it was so funny. Your mom and her business partner, Debbie came over. It was Debbie was really hot when she was in her prime. She's a very beautiful older woman. Yeah, but I mean, like she's a beautiful woman now, But why do you need to know about in her prime? And I didn't know her in a prime and mom and her got to be friends later, but like, what kind of question is that? Like, what does that change anything? I guess I'd take it back. You see a hot woman in her later years and you just go, I want to know if she was hot when she was young too. I mean it's like you don't want to know when? Uh said it? Like was Debbie? Like? Like was Debbie a model? Before, like she is whatever? Have you never seen a beautiful older woman? Usually they're beautiful women before that too. I know, I was just wondering, I just want to see a picture. Well, it's like when you want to see a picture of like Sean Shan O'Connor. What's his name from Sean O'Connor. It's my comedian friend, Sean Connery, Sean conn Oh. Yeah, when he was like young, was hot. Yeah, you want to see when they're young. Like, how many girls put up a picture of when Biden was in his twenties and be like oh, not many. I mean a couple. But you being like the first thing you say about an older woman's hut, hey was she like super hot when she was younger? I mean that's like you could just say, well, she's a really pretty older woman. I did say that in the same sentence. Yeah, we don't like to set up and but yeah, that's right. I'm like, Mike the Man, So your mom and Debbie come over and I literally like, because they're setting up podcast studio. Yeah, they're not just coming up to hang out with you. Yeah. I mean, well, I don't know now that the word is out that you're into a young Debbie Debbie Cakes. Yeah, dude, task Rabbit wanted and that's what he asked for. He's like, hey, let me get someone in their prime. Was dope. Um, I had to put away so many dildos for your mom to come over. Your mom called me. Your mom called me, hey, can you put them away? I don't know if Debbie, who's pat your prime, will will like these. Oh my god, my mom is just so scared what other people think about her constantly. It's just it's exhausting. I just don't know how to how you live like that with like constant fear that everyone anyone she's friends with Debbie, it's like, and works with her all the time, Like this fear of people thinking that your daughter might have a box of dildo's. Like I understand if Debbie was like a Christian and that would deeply offend her and it would make But my mom is friends with this woman, and this woman and I have talked about sex in front of my mom multiple times. It's like, what is everyone just will you let things go? And me having a box of dildo's at this they're working for us, by the way, I'm not even paying them to work for us. My heart is they're building our our studio. My mom is a and and Debbie are stages for houses for real Satan, So they got this job on their own without me even being involved. It was the weirdest story. But my mom is now cleaning up her client's home so that her business partner might not be offended by a box of dildo's. Like my mom's embarrassment over who I am, which I am a box of dildos, that is who I am. It makes me so mad that she had to write you and go Andrew, will you hide all those sex toys because Nikki might. It's just like, let me be who I am? And why don't you just be a woman who has a daughter, who has who is able to even give you a job because I am famous for having boxes of dildos? Like why not celebrate that way? Have to hide who I am? I am? Like that just makes it just makes me want to cry that my mom is still trying to like be someone that she isn't. And it's not even me, it's she's being the she wants to not be associated as the mother of someone who would have a box dildos. It's just like get over it. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. If it's that many dildos, she would have been cool with, Like you know what I mean, like is a dildo like I can rub, I can put anything in that place inside me. That's why that furniture company is called burrow. Yeah, burrow that pussy. Well that's not really the joke. It's like you would burrow something inside you. But yeah, yeah, burrow that. But you don't burrow like if a squirrel is burrowing a nut, you burrow a nut. You don't burrow into the You don't burrow the ground, you know what I mean, the ground with the nut. No, you don't. You burrow a thing into the ground. So burrowing the pussy would be like it was squirrel was putting my pussy in the ground for later, So it would be burrowing something into my pussy. So you could burrow pussy, I mean like yes, but that's you would have to cut off someone's pussy and then burrow it somewhere. Oh, by the way, check out the dig doc TikTok. Ladies and gentlemen, what is that throwing that out there? It's just this doctor that that is a urologist on jis it's unbelievable. Okay, what does he do? My my little brother sent it to me recently and he was asked and he was talking about this at length at lant Oh. Yeah, you always want to know that. And the verdict the one girl says, you know, be careful. Uh, the verdict is no, you can. You can take like fat above your dick taken off. You can, he said, you could tie a weight to your dick. That's helped. Yeah, like the tongue stretching thing that we got into. Yeah, but I don't think that will help your boner. And then you could do the penis pump which we write, which you you've done before. And if you want to hear Andrew's penis pump story, don't worry. I'll make him tell it very soon so that you all we I mean, that's the story you need to retell. I feel like every five episodes of the podcast, I I introduced people to like our relationship at the top of this podcast in case we have new listeners. But the penis pump story people, that's like, that is your what's the story that like creates the hero Like it's like the Odysseus, like it's your origin story. I would say the story. By the way, talking about Dick talks on TikTok's, people did send me wart videos and pictures of their warts. I want to talk about that later. However, I do have a lot of notes for you in terms of what you should be sending me and thank you, thank you, thank you so much. I you don't. I can't wait to talk about it later. Let's get to the news first. Oh, I hope everyone's having fun out there having all the swells. Oh my god, it's meaningless, but yes, you do actually wish people are having the swells. Which what does that mean to you at this point? Like would you say that what do you picture? I picture someone, um, maybe they're not, you know, having all the swells, and then I say it and then boy, or they having swells? I think there's someone catching a wave. Yeah, catching a wave of happiness, to be honest, okay, like just being like yeah, the waves coming in, they're just like filled with like they're yeah, they're happy, like your favorite song. No, that was just my mouth. Okay, go on, oh no, it just swells, okay, So cheese takas Okay, alright, you're already here. First, here we go. A stunned woman is still charged for an Uber ride that drove straight into a canal. A thirty year old woman in Manchester asked for her Uber driver to stop when she noticed that his navigation would drive them into the canal. The driver refused. The woman said the driver was going five months prior, and then all of a sudden, in front of the car was in the canal. After she climbed out of the car, however, she was reportedly told to walk the remaining distance of her trip, despite it being the middle of the night, and then she was charged for forty dollars when she got home. Uber refunded the woman, but only after the incident was made public. No one was injured. I mean, this has happened before where It's like I've been in an uber because I only do ubers in Los Angeles. I think if I moved to Los Angeles, I'm not going to get a car and just take upers everywhere because it's so much time in traffic in l A. You might as well be on your phone in the backseat or reading a book or listening to music instead of like controlling a machine. But being in Uber's all over l A, it's insane. The amount of people where you pull up to somewhere and you see on their phone that is like locked into their little thing. You see the dot on their screen of like the drop off is here, and they just will not go to it, like it's it's it's you know, like twenty ft ahead, but they still won't. They're still inching, and and then you can't even open your door because they're still moving so slowly. They're just I just don't understand why people can't follow a fucking dot on a screen. It really enrages me enough that I want to break their flip phone call back to a thing you didn't hear. But Noah also has this um spatial uh problem in her head where she doesn't understand distance. So if like in Carlisle Forrester, my friend Um who's a listener to the show, also has it. And I think that some Uber drivers might have this because a lot of people do. Is like you don't know what point two miles is, you don't know what point one miles is, you don't know what five feet might look like. And so that's where I say, look at the fucking dot and then move your car to the dot on the map. But they just can't do it. People are just kind of slower than I am in that respect, and I am slower in other ways. I will say, but like, there are some people that don't understand what five feet is destination in five feet, they just stop or they keep going, And You're like, but there in this all that relates to the canal, because some people just trust the map too much, whereas others don't look at it at all. And I'm still perplexed by someone who doesn't doesn't understand what a mile. Like the day that I was with Carlisle Forrester in her car is just dropping me off the door of the Dottas and it said points five point five miles away destination. We're on a road that is, we're going thirty miles an hour, and she is slowing down like it's coming up immediately, and I go and I said, it's point five miles away, and she starts going, stopping and breaking like is it here? And I'm like, what do you want to understand what point five it means a half a mile? She's like, no, I know, I know, but I like don't know what that is. You run, Nikki, you run all the time, so like you know because of your running, And I was like, there's no way you could go points a half a mile within seconds going thirty miles an hour? What the fuck is your brain doing right now? And it made me so mad because I don't understand how someone could not know that. But I also understand that I've never heard that boys Men's song and people could be mad about that, like how do I not know that? So I'm going to let it go. But Noah, do you relate to this canal driver? Uh? No, I don't relate to the canal driver because I would take the advice of someone who understands navigation better than me. But I would understand what point five mile means, like I'll know that I'll have a little bit of time, but I do have a spatial issue. Okay, point five you do? Now? Can we just talk about the story in the sense that do you think the guy would have was it the idea of a woman telling him like where to drive? You think it was a sex thing? That was one question I had. Also um the other question is Uber didn't refund the driver right away when she complained. And I just hate these companies that have like all the money in the world, but they don't have someone you can just call and talk to on the phone and explain the context you have to write it or fill out I want to call. I love that you just like ask for it and they just are like, yeah, you went to the trouble to like fill out the spot. Here's it's not all we But that didn't happen with her. Um, yeah, that's shitty. Like Google. If you have a problem with Google and you can't get in, you can't call anyone. I just hate these companies just like just put up put into this thing that people normally need, just like a call center. You want a Google call center? Yeah, a Google Cars call center. I want a Twitter call center. But I think they know that the things that you want output they can't give you, Like they can't give you your password, Like no matter what, if you don't have the things that they're already telling you through the app they need, then someone talking to someone and yelling at them is not going to get it for you any sooner. But if I refund a ride and say, hey, my driver drove into a canal and they right back, we gotta look into that, we gotta we gotta look into this canal thing, like that's something you'd make up. And you know that this wasn't in the United States, right, Yeah. I was in England, Okay, yeah, because you said Manchester like it was like down the road. Yeah, Rhode Island, and we have canals here, but not that meant or you know, not here in the Caymans, but in the US. I'm sure there's canals in the Caymans um, but in the US, I feel like Venice has canals. Penness, California, I don't know anywhere else has canals is a very curio, very can and that's what Venice, California is based off of this. The canal. Well, it's either named because it has canals too, or it got canals because they were like, let's just venace it up. Do you know that? To do? We can go to Europe if you have a vaccine in the summer, we can travel. Did you hear that Europe? Let's go Paris Eiffel Tower. Um, yeah, let's upskirt. Let's like anytime there's a picture of the Aiffle Tower from below, I've always like you pervert. It looks like an upskirt? Okays? True? Yeah, how high does a person have to be where it doesn't become an opskirt because they're too far away where you can see the outline of a vagina? You know what I mean? What do you Well, I think anything that shows your vagina up your skirt is an upskirt. So if your vavagina isn't showing, it doesn't count. But if you're two U feet in the air, you can't I couldn't draw you. But there is an upskirt, you know what I mean? Like, oh yeah, Like every time you take a picture of a plane, it's an upskirt of all of women on the plane. It's a glass bottom. Yeah. Well, well there's that's h Elon musk Is is creating those he wants to do that upskirt from space. Okay, okay. Social media forces us to relive our ended relationships over and over because we creep on our ex as romantic partners and friends. So essentially, when relations ended pre social media, they were more easily forgettable. Right. The Anxiety and Depression Association America of Lincoln anxiety disorders directly to social media usage and social media users say they have to check at least one of their accounts every hour to avoid feeling anxious. Essentially, we just have way too much. It's way too easy to see what our exes are up to, and it hurts us. Yeah, I mean this goes back to what I was saying of, Like when you the book that we talked about getting to I do you are addicted to someone when you've been in a relationship with them and your love with them, and like you looking at their Instagram, you watching videos of you guys, like you going through what looking at photos in your phone is like if you're trying to quit booze, it's like having little SIPs of it and you're gonna eventually want more and more. It's better just to go cold turkey. And now social media doesn't allow us to do that. I mean, last night, I like, so, well, would you block an X? Like? Would you block everything to keep you away from it? Like? No matter what I mean, really done, yes, because I would want nothing, Like I just wouldn't care, or I wouldn't need to because I wouldn't care, you know, But if I I still hold out, hope, I don't want to block because I want them to be able to get in touch with me somehow, which is ridiculous because they could get in touch with you a million ways. And you also want to see make sure that they see that you're thriving and that any girl they may be with is also going to see how great your life is. And you know, like you've got to have all these things. And but like last night, I even like I felt embarrassed asking you, but being like, hey, does so and so still follow you? Hey, is what is going on on their account? Because they blocked me, like checking in on these things that like are addictive, they feel like really unhealthy behaviors to do. You think there is a strength though in the going to it and like you know, when you drink ninety cups of coffee to like defeat your fear of coffee. So if you have this fear of what they're up to, at least you could see it and be like, oh, they're just having a shitty life, like you know what I mean, Like maybe it might be good to see that their life isn't that great, But I think that also feeds of like you are happy at someone else's dissatisfaction, which is bad that's not a good feeling to be like happy with other people suffering. So and I don't want to live in that place. But yeah, I get what you're saying. I love when I see in an X in a hospital. It makes me Yeah. But then you know they're getting a lot of attention and they might lose a lot of weight from whatever is in that they're getting in the hospital for, and they'll come out like spelter and then they'll get like banged out more. Um No, I can always find a bad But yeah, Like I really struggle with that because anyone who dates me is really going to struggle because I Am going to be everywhere the rest of your life. If I plan on having a career, like you will see me on Billboard, you will see me on TV. Um, I will haunt you. And that's one of the things I love about this business is that people who have hurt me, you don't get to just like forget that you hurt me. You'll be reminded of the one that got away the rest of your life. And when you and your girlfriend or your wife are sitting on the couch watching TV and I'm just a faint memory and maybe she even kind of has an inkling that we dated or we're together. She'll feel your body tense from across the couch as an ad for my new late night TV show comes on, and maybe I'm hosting the Golden Globes and I look beautiful and I seem happy and radiant, and she'll feel a tenseness come from your end of the couch that isn't tenseness based on the fact that maybe you want to be with me, but that there's some lingering feelings you may feel later that night when you to make love. She made question if you're thinking about me instead of her as as as you are inside her, And the truth is you probably will, and you probably have before, and you probably will again. Actually, you probably often think of other women while you have sex with this woman constantly. And guess what, when you had sex with me back when we were together, you probably thought of other women then too, because that's the thing men do, and it's a thing women do. But the fact that I will chronically and constantly be projected and uh dropped into your life to disrupt your happiness and your girlfriend or your wife's happiness ever so slightly because there is a feeling an undercurrent of feeling that you might still have feelings for me, or there might be some unfinished business there that you'll never get to do again, or you might just slide into my d M s and see if I'm still available and that I still have love for you. That to me, you can't put a price on. I remember, I feel like that's a commercial for perfume, for celebrity, my new fragrance. No, honestly, it's just you in the desert trying to get Honestly, the first guy that ever broke my heart, and like, like Pete Lee, go google it if you want to look at it. It's on YouTube. The story of me and Pete Lee's comedian. He met me when I was like a nobody and we had this amazing romance and then he shows his girlfriend at the time over me, even though he had promised me he's going to break up with her, all this bullshit, and uh, we're very young and dumb, and I remember thinking he thinks I'm an open micro in Kansas City and that he's never going to see me again. I can't wait to be everywhere and haunt him, and I did for the next eleven years. We didn't talk, and I was everywhere, not everywhere, but I begin you know, he really couldn't avoid me, especially because he's a comedian, um and it was beautiful. Do you think you would have worked as hard if feeding and break your heart because you want to be seen on the tv. This is not the reason I do this, but it is quite an incredible bonus. Yeah. The only reason I want to get on the Netflix one time is so my ex girlfriend from college you broke up with, you married a hard doctor, can see me be funny for seven dude? Come on, let's be honest. And what seven minute thing are you doing on Netflix? Oh? It's this new thing that I've been talking to him about that they haven't answered my seven minutes silly'es. I know that the title needs work, but the seven minutes silly? Wait? Andrew, don't you don't you? Isn't there a part of you that, even though you're within a relationship that you like and you don't think about your ex almost probably ever, but your ex from college like, doesn't that kind of delight you to think that she might see you looking like hot and funny and famous? It does, which I think I'm so self deprecating that. She's like, I didn't even know about the penis pump story or I didn't know these even here all your embarrassing things. Yeah, that's the that's the That's the other rob is that once they watched her special, they're like, oh, I'm so glad about dating this girl and was talking about her pussy lips, and then and then and then you talk about quee thing one time and she's like you like his girlfriend's like gross, you dated her and he's like, yeah, she's discussing. And then I talked about like shipping my bed or something, and they're like oh. Then they then they have sex over the like celebrating that we're not that he's not with me. All she heard on this podcast was yeah, I never was in fear of his small dick, you know what I mean. That's all she heard. That's all. But no, people like I just got interviewed by the Hullabaloo, the two Lane paper, and when she knew me at two Lane, I was a fucking like big time loser, like cheated on everything, like really had no confidence. So whatever. It's just funny that it's come kind of full circle in the sense of that but anyways, just plug did a hullabaloo paper at Tulane. Uh, I never read, and you acted like we have heard of that. You're like the hullabaloo, you know, the favorite Tulane Dude. No, people at Tulane don't even read the fucking Hullabaloo. They may be grab it on their way to class and do the cross word out of it like I did in every class. I think they hold their cocaine in it somehow, I don't know. Apparently there's been a lot of orgies going on at Tulane. So shout out, um, so, why do I care? Can we do to the other story tomorrow though? Because I love that story? Okay? Cool? Great? Why do I care? God? I love that voice? Okay. Motte. Actor Tyrese uh, speaking of black draw, shocks his fans when his girlfriend Zelli Timothy shares a video on Instagram of him shaving her plus oh my god, a video, Oh my god, Wait a second, this is Tyrese shaving. Okay, it looks like a video. It's a point of view of him. Um, it looks like she's having a um you know, an O B G Y N exam. He is as the oh he's using that like intuition from the one that was Jewel had did a commercial for just Follow your Heart. You do you remember when they use a Jewel song for the chick intuition. Oh my god, he's shaving your fubes and you can hear it. Wait, do it again. Go to the part where you can hear it. He's shaving very fast. Hold on and he's going up. That's hot. I'm into it. It's like examining a pussy. Like he's so excited and like so like like I love the idea of a guy just being like, oh my god, like look at it, like so like opening it like a kid on Christmas, not a real kid, like a tiny goat that would have been a funny scratch of he pulled out a chainsaw. But like yeah, like but but I think it's hot. I think there's something to be said about like because like you know, guys are like I don't want any pussy on my girlfriend. There's something like connecting. Yeah, there's something that there's a big connection where you can shave your girl's puss and then still want to have sex with it after you treated it like like it was like not sexual, you know, what right, But I think it can be very sexual. But I understand what you're saying. You can make shaving and you tell Nikki what tyres said. Because it's a little hard to hear it. In the veg Tyrese can be heard saying, going to put the creamer on it first, mix it with some oil. Oh that's hot. Yeah. See this is all very sexual, like the slathering the hair, and I'm guessing she didn't have a huge bush. I'm guessing she just had a little bit of growth from the last time she ship because she shaves. I would love a guy to shave my pussy someday. Hey, future husband out there or girlfriend of guy that I'm not dating anymore listening, are too glad that he's not with someone who would want him to just shave her apple away? Animal? Dude? What's He got a lot of flak though for this, But I mean because people, because people are like my mom wanting people to box up their dildos. Let these people do whatever, And I get it. Maybe we don't need to see it on his Instagram, but anything that shows a man being not disgusted and almost turned on by uh kind of a yeah, like a task down there that isn't usually sexualized. I'm into And I remember hearing in college that a girl, my friend's roommate in college hooked up with Screech when he came to town. He came to like the local comedy club, and they hooked up and he shaved her pussy hairs, and I remember being like, what, he shaved her vagina And they're like, yeah, that's what he was into. And I was like you, But at the same time, I was kind of like, that's kind of cool. Yeah, but also that's what killed him. And he was used to like his hair looked like a big pussy bush, so he was probably okay. So now I'd like to pivot into some a couple of things we've talked about this week that I just want to follow up on real quick. First of all, I do know that the Eagle Eye Eagle Eye Cherry is the name of the band that has saved Tonight, not Buck Cherry. Buck Cherry is the name of the band that I should have used for my conan appearance where I was talking about my dentist listening to that song You're a Crazy Bitch, butcher fock so good. I'm on top of it, that's Buck Cherry, and I said in the Cone interviewed Jane's addiction, which is not even it um, But then I miss, yeah, save Tonight is by uh what is it called again? Eagle Eye Cherry Cherry got a lot of corrections on that. Thank you to the listeners for following up on us on that. As always, you can write to us on Nicki Glazer pod on in our d M s. You can also slide into my d M s at Nikki Glazer some of those I read, and you can also right into the show at the Nicky Glazer podcast at gmail. Um. And then I also want to say that Sam Smith identifies as they them. They entify as a non binary, not as a male. So I apologize to Sam Smith. I I apologize to them, and I also and I also apologize to them for saying that I don't enjoy their music as much as other people do. And that is a me thing, that is not a they thing. Now, I also want to follow up on my request for and I didn't expect this early in the podcast to admit to everyone that I have a real obsession with watching videos of warts being extracted from people's feet. It is a weird thing I'm into. I watched videos of it every single night on Reddit, on YouTube. I have literally watched every single YouTube video of a wart being extracted from a foot that exists, and I mean thousands of videos, because every single night I searched for new ones and they all have I've seen them all. You know, like, there's no new footage of warts that I can find it. I don't know what does for me. It soothes me. It makes me feel like just very I would rather I will. I'm gonna start paying if there was like websites like porn that I could pay for videos of this, I would. However, so many of our listeners have reached out to me and set uh pictures and videos of their footwarts. Planter words is what I'm into. And I know you're like, oh, this is so weird. You're so weird. You know how you like to watch pimple popping videos and blackheads being extracted and weird stuff. We all have a weird thing. Don't judge me. I'm just being open about mine, and it's less people are into it. So many people send me work pictures, But the thing is when they send videos on Instagram if you watch the video, it disappears, and I have to be in the right space, like if a good word video comes in. It is so valuable to me that I want to be like in my bed, curled up about to go to sleep, really in a right state of mind to enjoy it. So I'll open it and I'll quickly shut it because I don't want it to go away, you know, like on Snapchat how videos go away. So if you are sending wort videos, please send them to the Gmail THENICKI Glazer podcast at gmail dot com and buy video. I mean, like if you want to send a video of you like picking at it like and also don't go straight to the picking. We want to see everything. I mean, I want to see a video, Okay, I want to see it. I want to see a video first of you, like kind of like showing me where it is. I don't want to close up shot because I need to see where on your foot it is. And then I want to tell you what to do to it. This is exactly like the videos you were talking about before it and I almost want to go live with you so I can tell you what to do to it, because if I could give myself a foot board. I would, but I'm too scared to get them anywhere else. So I am just begging you that if you have a ward on your finger, like on a callous part of your finger, there has to be like callous on it, because I want you to scrape that off. And then I want to see little dots where that are not seeds. Everyone thinks those are roots or seeds. Those are just blood capillaries that are feeding the ward. I know all about arts. I could literally go to medical I could like pass the ward part of medical school dermatology. I want to get into it, like if comedy doesn't work out, I literally would become a foot doctor because I watched all of these foot doctors on YouTube. I subscribe to all of them. They scrape off callouses, they get into like diabetic ulcers. I like kind of like that, even though the goo and the blood is kind of gross. I like a dry ward that's just being like carved out, and then you have like nothing in your foot at least behind like a gaping hole that they cauterize. But I could do that too, for you don't hurt yourself with these wart videos. But please send if you have a word on your foot. I am into it and I want to see it. And I will not tell you by name who you are. But like, I don't have any friends with warts, and I need I need some. I would literally if my if a boyfriend had a wart on his foot, I would like him more. Final thought, can we do the best best war competition? Maybe I would love that. I mean like, and we'll put them up and we'll have the voters, will have people vote. I really want you to email them though, you guys, because a lot of times in the instag Graham d MS, I get a lot of criticism, especially like people just like to say I love the podcast but or whatever, And I don't like to read any of that. So if it's so, I might miss it. If you start it with like, love the podcast, here's my ward, I might not even see it because there's so many times that love the podcast is followed by but you're mean to Andrew or you talk too much, and I just can't handle that, even though I do, like, I feel like I'm betting much nicer to you and Lady sent weeks because of that feedback. Yeah, just being a human being. Sure, Okay, so uh it's hard when you do a podcast with your roommate and best friend that you already have a dynamic with. And obviously I want to be nicer to you when I'm working on it, but it's not about being a human being. Actually, human beings are terrible by nature. So I have to try to be nice sometimes because you frustrate me in a way that most of my loved ones frustrate me. So it makes that work closer. Final thought you wanted to know. I wanted to tell you what happened last night where I went. I kind of need to give an apology. G I guess um. I I had Brenna stretch out my ball sack to see how far it would go. And Brenna is the girl I've been seen, and she stretched my ball sack out so far in my room. Yeah, she went on the balcony and she actually drew down six floors and she was just holding on for dear life. Nice to know that I was going to get a like a rope in case we ever had a fire so I could escape from my room, because I just would like I would jumped to my death, and so I was gonna get a rope. But it's nice to know that I just need your ball sack. Yeah, that's all I need. All we need is another ball sack on the ground once we jump. But um, so she feels it. It's insane. How long my ball skin? Because you get older as a guy, your ball is just your skin gets longer. And I wait, didn't snap back and hit her in the face, Why doze? I gotta apologize because I took I spread it like you know, like bat wings, and I covered her whole hand with my ball ski and it was like trapped in her hand. Yeah, you burned her hand. I burrowed her hands. And then she looks at me and she goes, um, that's too far, Oh my god. That's but it's in a playful way. In a playful way, of course, And I'm apologizing obviously, in a playful way. But like, are there things that you do sexually where it's like, yeah, it's hilarious to cover your ole hand with my ball skin. But maybe next time you're downplaying with my balls, you might only think of that and it might turn you off, you know what I mean? Like I never really wanted balls. I don't want guys to be like silly with her dick unless I want to be silly with it. But the thing is I do that too sometimes with like, uh, with penises, I get real silly and like, well, sometimes I'll look up and the guys just like, do you need like a time alone with this? Because I'll be like just being I can be very very silly, and I think it's cute because I just like, if I love someone, I like their penis so much and I like to like do funny things with it and like talk to it and act like it's like a separate entity. And sometimes you do look up and the guy is just like kind of disgusted by you, And I was like, are you a seven year old playing with a doll right now? Like what is going on for you right now? Yeah? What is this like Plato for you? Noah? Have you as a guy ever like gone not too far but being like playful sexually where it's like, Okay, this isn't hot anymore, like what you're doing is too silly or I can't remember that ever happening. But I was wondering did it feel good to stretch your balls around your girlfriend's hand or feeling honestly like it would kind of feel cool, like a warm glove, like an already warm glove, but also cool. That's I'm gonna ask someone to marry me. I think I remember what time on your over your hand. I was getting choked by boyfriend sexually and I wanted him to be like more aggressive and not like he was just learning how to do it. And I talked about this in my special, but he literally was choking me and he just and I was just wanting more from him, and he like didn't have any lines, and so he literally goes, I'm gonna kill you, and I just was like, no, I like to hand off, like what okay? Well that was quite a leap nurser, and he was like really and I was like, I mean, there's there's the show me how you got there, Mike the Man, then the man before it was so funny kill you and there was it was just like that. To Benny, he was really just he struggled with trying to come up with something that matched choking a woman for the first like he I think we had just gotten into that kind of play, which I do enjoy a good choking, but you don't need to say anything. My maid is here, so I gotta go. Thank you for listening to the show today. Everyone. We will be here tomorrow for sure, and I will be here. Yesterday's show ended with the Tats rabbing and today and made What's Night? No who knows? Thank you so much. No, uh, thank you to new listeners. Thank you to old listeners. Thank you too. Chronic listeners. Uh, We're we're gonna have merchandise soon. We're gonna video soon, We're gonna have But as always, we will have four shows a week for you. And keep telling your friends about us. Tell people who have never even heard of podcasts about us because they're out there, and get them into other podcasts. To Cereal is a great one to start with. Thank you, Andrew talked to you later. No, I talked to you later. Hi, guys,

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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