Last night's episode theme of Welcome Home Nikki Glaser? on E! had to be examined after Nikki was hurt by a comment made. Nikki and Andrew talk about messing with drunk parents and when calling out a co'uhl is bullying. Andrew's weekend had several moments he felt conflicted speaking up. You Heard It Here First: don't follow the dead face trend, don't get overdressed for a wedding and make your vows quick, learning to interpret art through a cultural course on Taylor Swift sounds ideal and Nikki does care about cutting up expensive clothes to have sex. In the Top1 Bottom1 segment Andrew's mind gets blow when he learns about appliances.
The Nicky Glazer Podcast. Here's Nikki Ah. Here I am, It's Nicky Glazer. Welcome to the show. Everyone, It's Nicky Glazer Podcast. Welcome, old listeners, new listeners. Uh, besties that we've had from the beginning. People that started listening to me in the U up dates. People's started listening to me in the Not Safe podcast days. People, let's started listening to me in the you have to Be There podcast days. I have a many people tuning into the show and we welcome them all, even if it's your if your day one bestie, which could be this could be your day one, Welcome to the show. I'm here with my co host Andrew Collin, who is always in studio with me when he can be. UM most of the time we are together. Uh this is We're in St. Louis, Missouri, which is where I live. Even though a lot of people think that my reality show is a lie and talking to a hologram, look at you now is so good, Miss l A on your they got the bags under my eyes, even like the the people we hired for this hologram. Um, I'm in St. Louis with Andrew in my apartment. UM in the studio of our podcast that my mom designed and that our busties have provided a lot of the artwork on the wall. Check out us on YouTube if you want to see that artwork changing every day, just put up a lot of new stuff, like a yarn a piece above my right above me by the Cozy Wall. On Instagram, she is a tried and true bustie that makes amazing gorgeous yarn pieces that I always admire when I see them in um other women's houses on Instagram, and I'm always like, my sister has a lot of these in our house, and I'm just like, that is the mark of a girl who like has good knows good interior designed like a beautiful yarn piece that the Cozy Wall can make for you. She's out of Vancouver. Andrew Colin is here. He's up from um some floor like he comes up about nine floors day in the building. UM. Noah is in Arizona across the counch and I said, conch makes it a little more fun. And then she's like the contacross gunch and Uh, I say that lovingly. I'm trying to repurpose instead of bitch. No Uh, you were about to say something as we were about to start the show, and I said, save it for the pod, and um, you thought I might forget, But what is what did you want to say? Okay, So I didn't watch We'll Go Home Nikki Glazer last night because I went to a concert m H and um, I would to see the band Carcass, very good band. Um, so I watched it this morning. I watched it before the show this morning, before the pod, and there was yeah, you've seen Carcass. No one says I went to go see the band Carcass, like the yeah, yeah, it's usually I went to fucking car kitchen stapled my dick. Yeah, but it's I went to see Carcass. I had a lovely time, we said. In the orchestra section, I started bleeding pretty bad because I was matching and then I stay stepped from this guy with stilettos on his throat and it was like, weird. We had a lovely times? Were you guys? Is too romantic evening for me and my boyfriend. Carcass Um, who opened for Carcass, satenit the band Immolation. Immolation Okay, I mean shout out to band names across the country. Okay, so what the band was called? Band name? Okay, so you didn't watch to Welcome Ho Niki Lazer question Mark until today until this morning after I finished show prep and okay, so the this week's episode, UM, a lot of the theme was about UM, your family and your and your loved ones seeing you on stage and seeing your act. And one of the testimonials, you were talking about how you know, it's not so much that your mom doesn't like your your material or anything like that, but it's about what she thinks other people will perceive you, well, what will perceive about you. My mom constantly and even in the episode, you see my mom say, but I just like to watch them. I like to watch them, and I just can't believe how many people love you. She's always shocked at why that that really hurts You see it in the in the there's a testimonial with me and my mom together and you see me go, they like me, Mom, they really like me, and she goes, they do. I just can't believe it. And you see a little hurt in me because she doesn't understand why I'm hurt by that. That her shock that people like me could be hurt. But you know, I've accepted it, and my mom just doesn't think people will be into this thing. I have another thing to say in this No, what what was your question? So my question is UM. In the last couple of weeks, we were talking a lot about UM, you writing music or starting something new or posting something on Instagram, and your apprehensions about it are because of what others will think about you, other people's perception of you. And even though we kind of alluded to oh it comes from growing up or that, you know, I wonder if you've really made that strong connection of oh, it's definitely. My mom has been telling me this all my life. Be careful what other people think, and you know, I have made that connection. However, I do believe that I appreciate that my mom is honest, that she cares so much what other people think. I think that most women most I don't want to make this a woman issue, but I do believe that we all care about what other people think of us. And that's why I like that book. The Courage to be disliked so much? UM, I I don't. My mom's thing is like she wants them to think different. My mom wants this. I can only guess what she wants. But I think my mom would like people to think of her a different way than she actually is. So she would like them to think something of her that isn't true. That like she's perfect, even though she knows she's not, but she would like to give the appearance like the house always looks like this, Whereas I get angry when I have to be something fake that I know I'm not to get people to like me because I realized, like, I can't keep this up and that's not me, and I get really sad. But I I think the thing that I worry about is that people might misinterpret who I am. Like if if someone sees my mom's dirty house, they might think she has a dirty house sometimes, which is true. But what I get worried about if I post something on Instagram that seems like I think I'm cool or like, I'm worried that people might get an impression of me not that is like, oh, Nikki looks fat in that picture, Nikki looks tired or whatever, which is true. My worry is that they're going to think Nicky thinks she's cool, which I do not think. I don't want them to think something that isn't true of me, whereas my mom would like them to think something different of her. If that makes sense, I mean the idea of your mom cleaning her house and then it's like overly clean, so she wants them to see she wants to think, Oh, she's the cleanest person. She knows she's not, and she would like to be that too, which we all would like to be a cleaner version of themselves. I don't mean to say all of us, but um, I think most people would like to be a slightly better version than themselves. Um. What I was really hurt, like, I gotta be honest with you guys, and it's really good. I think you'll really like it. You're really funny in it. You have some good lines and moments. Um. What I felt sad about, which I did not know, was that I always thought my mom would enjoy me if I wasn't her daughter, you know, like she would enjoy my comedy if I wasn't her daughter, like that me being her daughter makes her go oh, it's hard to listen to. But she said in it, if Nikki wasn't my daughter, I wouldn't go to her shoes, which was different than what I thought. I really did think, like my mom would probably like my sense of humor if I know it's a little crass. First she does, she's not into blue stuff as much, but I think that she would see me on TV and like me if I wasn't her daughter. But the truth is, my mom would not like my humor if she wouldn't have any interest in going to see me if I wasn't her daughter, which hurts to here, But I don't take it offensively because I know that I'm funny and I know that clearly people do enjoy me. It just I don't understand why my I can't make my why my mom doesn't laugh at my stuff, Like why my mom can't see what I'm doing is funny or important. I think there's certain jokes that your mom probably would pick that she likes better than others, like my mom. Like if I talk about, you know, helping some kids suck his own dick, my mom isn't gonna go. Man. I love that. I love what you do with that, you know what I mean, Like if it's true and honest and a part, that's the best joke. You were on stage the other night and I went live with my mom at in Montclair, New Jersey, and she was in Europe, and I was like, Mom, I'm about to go on stage. Any requests I think I said this on and she couldn't think of even one joke, one joke. I mean, I'm not asking her to be specific. She could literally she could actually say the one about dogs and I'd be like, oh, thanks for listen. She could put I have a joke about everything. She could have. She could have looked around the room and gun lamp, I love lamp like. She could have anchored her held it yeah, and I would have been like, thanks mom, I'll do the lamp bit. You know. It was just the fact that she couldn't. She went, what's that you say that? I would have been okay, and I would be like, what is it mom? What's specific about it? I'm just like, what do I do? What's mine? Three of that? No, I I get what you're saying. It's it is hard to but you know, also as a stand up it's very personal. You're very personal on stage, so you're like, oh, my mom doesn't like who I am as opposed to like, you know, someone like Danny McBride can joke about you know, being on a jet ski and fucking a girl with herpes, and his mom is probably like, I don't love that scene. But that's not you. You're acting. You wrote that with other people. It was in a script. It's a show. But you, on the other hand, are talking about things that are very personal. So when your mother it's like, oh, you don't like me as a person, almost as opposed to like if it was just you know, your art. And I realized, like, there are a lot of things that I do that my um, it's not for my parents, you know, Like I'm always shocked when people in my parents age and so are my parents come to the show and they're like, we love Nikki, and like I'm like, see these seven year old people like me? Um, I my goal. I'm a comedian because my I watched my dad watched Wendy Liebman and laugh at like the joke of I recently quit smoking crack and I remember my dad laughing at the joke, and I'm like, I gotta do that. I remember, you know, you know, and when there's something about marrying, my dad took me to go see that and he laughed at the scene where they're like you need to date a new guy or whatever, and she's like, it's okay, I still have a vibrator. And my dad left at that. These are I left at. I remember when my dad read out loud in the New York Times. I didn't even know who Sarah Silverman was, but he was like, there's this. He laughed out loud at this joke, and he's like, I gotta read this. I'm sorry if it's a little like not appropriate, and it was, you know, I was molested by my doctor, which as a Jewish girl is so bittersweet. And I remember him laughing at that, being like that so goddamn funny, and I didn't know what even what that meant. Those were moments where I was like, I want to do that, you like, I need to do whatever is making My dad always left at women like he you know, he loves MAO comics too, But that was like, Oh, that's how I can make my dad like me so much. Well, those jokes too, are very left turney, set up punch, old school. I guess you would call it like dad, like you don't expect it it. Maybe, yes, I agree with you, but I also think that that was a new form. Kevin Nealon Wendy Lean were the first ones to do the like Little Sid had a lot of jokes, slid a hand kind of joke back in the day where they were very like set that's what I'm saying. Like, so that was like more for your parents and my special Yeah, I lost my virginity at age one, or I didn't have sex until it's twenty one, I didn't have consensual sex. Like the word like just adding a little word making it different. Um, but you guys are looking at a very technical because it's interesting because you are using comedy to connect with your dad, who um, you know, exposed you and you have this connection. But I feel like comedy when with how you connect with your mom, it's more of like a rebellion thing going against her need for like being perfect approval. It's totally no, it's it's exactly that, it's like seeking my dad's approval. Well at the same time doing something that a lot of people go you which is my mom's worst fearing something thinking about me when I joined the g s A in high school. I'll never forget my mom. You know, in high school, gay people weren't There was no gay people in my high school. Weirdly we got no gay people just you know crazy that, yes, But in two thousand two that was not Kids were not coming out in at least in St. Louis in like the you know liberal schools. They weren't coming out yet. You didn't have any gay people in your high school class either, as we had glad in my school. The club, yeah, we had g s A was a gay straight alines and it was so it was a big thing. It was glad. His name was gladdest I actually the name of daughter Gladys, because I think it's such a funny um as of why. I just like that it looks like Gladdie's so um. I just remember my mom. I wanted to join the g s A because it was such a cool way to rebel. That was like, but this is a thing, it's school. I just know a lot of parents don't like it, and I want to join it because I know it's right, I know what it stands for, its rights, and it's not actually breaking any rules. And I remember my mom being like, people are going to think you're kay, which you know, back then was a different thing, and she just didn't want me to be bullied or whatever. Different, really different, And I just remember saying, like, Mom, I represent the S and she goes, oh, you're gonna walk around the school because I go, Mom, weird the S? Me and Taylor used to go where the S? The G S A and make an S with her hands and she go, are you walking around like that all day? Going I'm the as, I'm the as. How are people going to know? And I'm like, I don't. I hope they think of I mean the famous story that I've told a bunch and I used to do it a bit about. I once came out to my mom as gay when she was black out drunk, and I knew she wouldn't remember the next day, just so I could see her real reaction, because I knew she would be upset about it. And I loved I loved my mom being upset about something that I knew I couldn't help. I knew gay people couldn't help being gay, so like, she can't be mad at me about this? So I remember as a bit I came out to my mom in front of my friends. My mom was drunk enough that I knew she wouldn't remember it the next day because I had done my research as a child and she and I said, Mom, I'm gay, and she goes, your dad and I have known for so long. She twisted, and I was like, I'm not. She's like nicky, no, oh god, we have known for so long. And I was like, but I'm not. She's like, it's okay, We're fine with it. We have we have thought about it, we get it. And I was just so backfired. Yeah, so funny. She's like, look, look, we already set up a room, another room for you something. So so yeah, we've already were uh yeah, we're building an addition to the house so you can't touch our things. Um no, there was I had moments like dad to I had a drunk mom where it's like, knew she wasn't going to remember things in the morning. I would say the worst things to my mom. I mean, it's just so funny when you have conversations with a parent that is an alcoholic and you know they're not going to remember it. So I don't know. It's something as a kid where I wasn't even drinking it. You don't really understand, you know, Yes, I didn't. I didn't learn that I could say whatever I want and they wouldn't remember the next day because I had done this. I mean I would go on to black out throughout my life and understand that feeling. But at the time I figured out through trial and error of like, Mom, last night, you said this, and having seeing her realize there's no recollection, I was like, oh, Mom has what Grandma has, but alcoholic dementia. Um. It is interesting too because it's like you bring it up and then they go, well, I didn't say that, and then you go, okay, well I think you did. Like I have memories of like things that I think she said when she was drunk, but because she was in such denial about it, because she didn't really remember it, so you can't deny it. Yes, it didn't happen to you, and yes, and that's you know, that's a classic example of like, you know, when when someone not just like someone who's drinking or like someone even when like I always remember when someone grabbed my ass at a bar and I got like I told some people and the guy just about it and he goes, he's like, I didn't grab your ass. He was like almost discussed at the idea that he grabbed masks and I was like so embarrassed, like, oh my god, I can't believe I thought you did that. And then in your head you rewrite what happened. You're like, maybe he did just like he was, you know, a goose walked by. Yeah you know, like I don't know, yeah, maybe they do let ducks in this bar or whatever, and it's grabbed my butt. But like you, you just get embarrassed when someone goes, no, I didn't you said to go maybe you didn't to apologize for someone else's mistake. Well, because I think it goes back to how I feel when I post something online, like there's a secret part of me that thinks I might be a bad person, that I might be out for people to think I'm cool, that I might be out to like hurt other p bowl to get my way. And so when someone calls and goes, I didn't say I didn't grab your ass, you're just wanting to make me an ask graber, like I go, maybe I am, maybe I do think I'm cool, and that in my butts so great, like you're right, like I'm okay, never mind, sorry, uh yeah, And then I quickly want to just like throw as you could say duality our favorite word from last week. But I get that. I'll put up a photo of me looking good and then I'll write a funny caption to take away of me trying to be attractive, and one person will comment, Hey, I see you, I see that you. This is a very attractive photo. You don't need to write this three fucking paragraph. Chris and I wanted to start an Instagram account that was private. That's just called calling you out, and we just write under people. We write the caption, we write what we know this person is trying to do with this picture. It's just called calling you out. And it's so main because everyone's just trying to survive and not be there's a bullish part of myself that wants to call out people. I really have to be better about when I get mad about people being that I just know that inside they think they're not cool at all, and I just should be nicer about it because this is all they can do. And we do the same thing, like, oh my god, yes, the reason why I can see it and I think the same with you. It's like we can see how people what they're really saying because we have the same brain as that person. And we're so ingrained and in touch with it where we self destroy ourselves, where we can see it in other people. It's the same thing with roastin why you're so good at roastin why I can think of the darkest shit about people because I think it about myself. Yeah, It's like, whenever people say mean things, I'm always like, you think, I haven't thought this about myself. Good luck trying to come up with something I haven't said to myself. I mean, honestly, there's there's probably nothing I've done. I've done. I've said the meanest things to myself. Um that when someone does say something that I haven't said to myself, it usually doesn't ring true in any way for me because I've covered everything that is true for me, Or they do call it out and it's like, this was the first negative thing I ever thought about. This is a thousand negative things ago. That was the first thing on there, so far ahead of this, buddy me, Like, you know, my forehead being big I've been that was brought to my attention in two thousand seven. It has become so much worse since there's so many other things on my face that you can make fun of that is, yeah, we earlier out early, I mean where the next start? That was huge. I think it's something that people that have mental issues say instead of speaking, and I think it probably originated from like that kind of thing we used to do with our hand on our chest, and an interesting thing on the flight with someone with mental issues. Last, I guess we can go to break and then here about it when you come back, and you can tell us about your experience looking at yourself in the mirror in the bathroom. All right, back, Andrew, I'm coming down downtown from the uptown area, from the hot girl to the low girls all the way. Man mus never end. All right, we're back. What happened to you on the plane? Okay? So we flew southwest. We were like C five, C six. We forgot to sign in. It was an empty enough flight where we kept going. We got our own row. Me and Brenna were flying together, got our own row. There was a mentally challenged person sitting in the front in front of us with her mom and probably so so. Brenna moves to the center seat to sit next to me, but still wanting obviously the aisle seat to be open. The handicapped girl comes back from the bathroom and just sits next to Brenna. Next to Brenna, and we don't want to make us anyone else the wrong seat she's had in the wrong seat, and she did in the aisle in the front in front of me. She was in the window. But I didn't want to. Did her person that was with her say anything, or well, she didn't see her, she was behind her, So we didn't. I didn't. I didn't know whether to tap the mom on the shoulder to go hey, because I didn't. We didn't care. We didn't. We obviously did it. We didn't want to make a big deal of it at all, But we also were like, hey, we kind of want the roads still to lay down. So it was just like an interesting like it was not mentally you would just go hey, I think you were sitting there, yea. So it was just like one of those. I also I had the same kind of thing at the wedding. I went to a wedding. So what happened though, Oh so oh sorry, Yeah, that's it, that's all. That's all. Plane crash, that's a whole another thing. It was the worst flight of our lives. It was fucking you flew whatever anyways, Uh, so we didn't say anything. Eventually the mom was like, we're like just look looking. After ten minutes, like her daughters turned around and she's like and obviously if we said something, it wouldn't have been a big deal, just to tap the moud, but it would have been like, it's a problem that she's here. You thought it was going to be like and then the mom would be like, why is it a problem that she's wants it's open sea. Yeah, it was that whole thing. Yes, So we just like that was so at the wedding. And then at the wedding there was we all know the guy that takes over to dance floor. You've made fun of him in a special. I don't know did it come out and it didn't know I didn't have a special, but yeah, yeah, yeah, but the guy that does the worm at the wedding, and like everyone has to move out of the way because this guy has to have his moment where he is the only talent that he had in college and he doesn't really do it anymore and he doesn't have the upper body strength because he doesn't go to weddings. He hasn't been working out, but he has the muscle memory of the worm from college when it was like his thing. Yeah, it's not even like a worm anymore. It's just like a dead caterpillar. Like it's a drowned worm, like one of them you find floating in the puddle that's still twitching a little bit, and you go, shouldn't rescue it, but it looks bloated. Gotcha? Okay, so this guy is clearing the is he mentally No? No, he's he's he's he's there. He isn't a gay black man who I can't even explain how many times he shoved me to be on the dance like literally getting shoved for him to be the center of attention. Why were you in this way? Were you trying to be the owner? I swear to god, I don't think you were. Maybe in my early twenties, my yeager bomb days, I would try to take over to dance floor. I'm all, I swear, why wouldn't you just get away from this guy? And and I'm getting You're like, I'm not the only one that was getting like shoved, and like it's one thing when you bet when you're the warm guy where you want everyone involved and let's all wormy. Let's like cheer me on as I worm. It's like a group effort. Let's become worms together. It's a very I'm the star. It's his garden. He's the only worm in this garden. He's the only worm, and he's eating a lot of grass and if you get in his way, he's going to mow you down. So he was just was he checking Was he meaning to bump in? Do you think? I think? I think it was just he was so this is his element, like this is his super Bowl. Is a lot of people go to weddings because they and they get up it is I mean, I that's the thing I was most excited about this wedding this weekend was dancing. Yeah, but you want to dance with you you don't want it. But I'm just saying I understand that like of likes about but some people treated us like this is my chance to shine. Yeah, I mean at one point brings out. Usually it's the bride who feels that way. You would think, yeah, you would think the bride and the bride had a great time. Hannah had a great time. He brought out a chair one time to give a lap dance to a woman like overly aggressive yeah, yeah, to hand or to just any woman another woman. Did anyone ask for this? I don't think. I don't know if it was asked for. All I know is he was trying to have fun. But again, if it's a group thing, I'm all for it. This person lacks social and self yes. And then it's like it goes back to like he keeps I keep getting bumped, and I'm just like, if I make a scene here, I'm gonna not look like the coolest guy because this person is clearly there's not a lot of gay people there. There's probably not a lot of black people there. You're singling out the black guy that. It's like, yeah, this is mostly thin, white straight and here I am yelling at the overweight gay black man yeah, because it wouldn't be a good yeah Southwest even if it's yeah, so what do you? What do you do? I didn't do anything quietly stir and talking about it in a podcast exactly. I was just going to brand. I was just like, I want to like, why can't I say? I don't. I get why I can't. But also and I know I don't even know. I mean, I get bumped, I get bumped again. I go, hey, man, I'm just trying to fucking dance. Okay, can you not bump me? Okay, So that's not the best approach because that's very aggressive. I thought I thought we were just acting well, I was actually putting you in the scenario. Okay, they do it in therapy. Yeah, I would dial it down a little bit. Okay, I'm I'm dancing. Hey can you Hey man, I'm just trying to what it's loud. I'm trying to you. You've bought me a few times. It's no big deal. It's not a big deal. But just no, I know you're dancing, but it seems like you're like, can you just maybe pay attention to other people calling the a C l U? Please don't? No, I think, um, you know what, there's there's many times in this and this isn't just a thing where you go it's it's about you know, race or whatever, like you think you're gonna get deemed a racist or sexist, whatever it is. There's a lot of times where you don't say something because it's a bigger hassle to' say something that it is to not say something. And you know, I was giving this example. When I do meet and greets and someone touches me in appropriately, it's a bigger thing. I have to stay around that person longer if I go, will you please not touch me there? This is a little tight Why are you grabbing my boob? Then they go I didn't know, And then I have to go and they'll go, I'm not the type of guy that does that, Like, I'm so embarrassed. Then then all of a sudden, Matt gets involved. Then you get involved. Then the guy goes away and he's being Then now he's getting order and he won't leave because he did. He's misunderstood, and he's embarrassed that he got caught. Then eventually I have to go, sir, it's okay, I just didn't like it, and he'll go, that's not who I am. Then I have to talk to this man for probably ten more minutes and have to listen to him apologize and then apologize to him for taking his thing the wrong way. And it's like, because people can't when they get confronted, they get defensive instantly. What's never their fault? I mean I had a moment like that on the subway years ago, the same way where there was a um I believe to be a like a Middle Eastern man. He was holding a briefcase that was like metal, which is obviously fine, but he was looking at his watch doing a countdown to himself while holding this briefcase with a very stern, sweaty look, which, if by all accounts, would be what a bomber would probably look like if you had to draw it up, if you had to cast it. And he's going, you know, in his native talkue like looking at his watch, holding the briefcase and cast it. If you're like a racist, like stereotypical caster, don't come at me for being like, why would you cast him if he looked like that? Yeah, So so he's going, he's going right and like really stern and like no one else has seen that. And I'm like my imagining this. And then I go, if I called this guy out and go I think he has a bomb, he has a I would And then he doesn't. He goes, what are you doing? I'm just because we don't want to look stupid, we don't want to look racist, we don't want to look yes, you know, So what I did is I got off at the next up and let other people go deal with it. Before I've done that before. I mean, this has happened to me on the train too. Before I did that, I stood talk about how dumb I am. I stood, I turned my back, and I like arch because I felt like, if the explosion comes, you want to arch your back and get into it. I wanted to go with the I would give anything for footage of you arching your back. I wanted to go with the bomb. And then I got off on like forty second, like just kept checking your phone to see if there were any loads. Oh my god, you see something, say something that's not easy man. Well, dude, I was on a plane waiting for the bathroom at the very back of the plane, and I saw a guy with his laptop out and um, he had his laptop about and it was the controls to a seven forties seven, Like he was like the cockpit, like a simulation of the cockpit, and he looks shady. He's in the back, no one's paying attention, it's dark, and he's like going over the controls and I was like, oh my god. And then I saw he was wearing shorts and I was like we're fine. Wait, wait, I care why did shorts make you feel for some reason him wearing shorts? I go, this guy is not a terrorist. I just I relaxed, and he was too obvious about it. I'm like, he would have a screen dim he would not be practicing in the back like you go through, Like how obvious this would look. But I have always said, there's so many times where women do not get attacked or they just they don't want to be rude. They don't want to, you know, say I feel unsafe right now, because they might make that guy feel uncomfortable, white, black, whatever he is. It might make the person uncomfortable to be like I don't want you. I don't want to help you find a dog right now, or I don't want to help you carry this thing to your car. Injured man, because even though you have the sneaking little voice in your back of your head that goes this he could kill you, you just go this is that's too embarrassing. You know the classic story. I humiliated myself when I ran away from a guy that I thought was going to murder me. He didn't murder me, and I was embarrassed when he didn't but that's insane to be embarrassed, like, I'm so sorry you didn't murder me, but I thought I was, and I honored that fear. Um, But sometimes that fear is based on racist stereotypes, and so that is it's difficulty. There's some kind of maybe there's a ted talk on this, maybe there's something I'm sure they're kind of information out there of like how to address something that you're afraid of without I mean, I'm sure black people do with it all the time. I'm a woman crossing the streets a cop, a white cop. They see a white cop who seems angry, they probably feel the same way. And then you go, hey, this white cops seems a little racist. Oh well, how do you know, what are you doing? He's not racist? Like, you can't, you can't, you know, I'm like, that fucking horrible thing that happened in Buffalo. I'm sure someone so many times people like this kid was on the FBI list or some shooters, and then they're like, my god, I'm reading this fucking Columbine book. I can't even believe it's so fucking good. You know, there was yeah, oh yeah, I mean I gotta wait twenty five years to read a book about that. But I'm really backed up with my mass shootings and all the information I can clean. I'm like, I can't hear anything about this. I'm in the middle of combine. Yeah, no, that I mean that is. But I'm sure someone saw this motherfucker at some point and was like, that looks like a bag that he has a gun in it, or but a white guy with an AK forty seven. You go, ah, he's just he's he's just having fun doing it. Why does an eighteen year old need to buy a bush Master? Like? Why do you? But but the thing is, I was asking Chris the yesday, go why would it's like a you know, a god. Well, it sounds terrible, but I think it's like a gun that can kill a lot of Like it's it's a it's a weapon that is not used typically for like hunting animals or whatever it's like. And he goes, I go target practice. The only thing is target practice. Why don't we stop doing target Like does anyone need that kind of gone? What is an eighteen year old boy that has a you know, a web blog about with you know, if you have a manifest you should google someone's name if they have a manifesto online, how about they don't get sold a gun. But we're so beyond to that, it's insane. The FBI, I mean, they let a bunch of gymnasts get molested for years and they failed at that. You know, dude combinaire, he had been reported twenty times to the local and there was an affidavid uh for a search warrant because there was speculation that he was building pipe pipe bombs that was never never followed up on. So and then they cover then Columbine and covered that up forever. You know, the police force covered that up that there was ever calls in and like there's all this they knew, but you don't think how many times it doesn't turn into a school shooting and they go, this is a waste of our kids are building things. These are like false reports. That's just how much of it is laziness? How many times? Like how many other reports are they getting though? Like that's what I want to know. I want to know how many how many other kids are getting called on twenty times? Like that can't be. That has to be an anomaly, right, Like yes, I mean like it's the boy that cried wolf, essentially like oh, oh, here's Eric whatever again doing whatever. The family that reported him twenty times. Um, they in the in the post, you know, in the weeks after Columbine they were actually being targeted, as they knew and they should and they're like, we tried to do something and it was like nobody and they only knew because their son was friends with him. That's how they knew. And so then they turned into like you were probably in your son was an accomplice, So they they were ones that were trying to prevent it before whatever happened. They ended up being like, why do you notice inside information? Well, because like very that book is so damn good. I know, like I'm a morbid person who likes to read about this kind of stuff, but I did not know how great whatever this guy. I'm gonna find whatever he else he's written. It's so good. Um. But speaking of things that you should consume, my show fourth episode aired last night and it was so freaking good and we have to get in the news. But um, it was me going to it was us going to Chicago, going to the Bird Place, um, and then us doing a show, me worrying about Um, doing bits in front of my parents and Chris and my parents are in the balcony like those muppets from it, like they are so well. I had to skip past that part. I couldn't watch it because I just didn't want to watch what they had to hear. And and then yeah, it's it's a good episode. That's really funny. I mean I look bad in a lot of scenes. I'm just like, oh boy, it's it's it was my purpose to look bad, like not my purpose, but I didn't try to look great, and it just doesn't you rebelling against your mom again, just like right like the whole idea of her cleaning the house. Yeah, you're like, I'm just gonna show who I am. I'm not going to be cool. Boy called out scary Wait wait okay for the truck but whatever, Oh for that, I mean that was supposed to be Could it was a just course? Yeah? You can't get called kit for that? I got, I got could it could? Okay, let's get to the news and then we'll talk a little bit more about we'll cover the wedding. All throughout the weddings, we didn't get some yea my wedding, well not my real wedding, but the one I went to this weekend. We both went. It was a wedding weekend. Let's get to the news first. First, you heard it here first, apparently of the heard it. I hope you had a great weekend. We had a wedding weekend. We had all the swells, so for a couple of things there and then uh, yeah it was it was all the swells though. I hope you had all the swells and you know, just swelling up. Everybody swells over there. If you're getting too swelly, don't worry about it. Let's just get to the news now, do you know? All right, Well, tell me if you saw this trend happening at the weddings you're at this weekend, Move over, duck pout. It's all about dead face dead dead face influencers are adopting a disassociated gaze with rolled eyes and a blank expression because it lets them express beauty ironically. Yeah, I mean beauty ironically is it's like being beautiful while you're not trying to look beautiful? What is it? Let me see it? No, that's that looks like you just finished a race. Okay, so what do you want more? Sexy like you're I don't I think closet. Okay, close your mouth or if you open it, you just kind of you don't stick your tongue out like you are. You just go like, okay, so half dead, so do it. M roll your like stop mid roll, don't roll your eyes full there you go. Yeah, just kind of like yeah, dead dead eyes, dead dead face. Um yeah, I see this all the time. Yeah, it's, um, you look cute if you're young and you look like, oh, I'm playing dead because I'm so far from death. But the older you get, you shouldn't be doing dead face because you're you're close to the gray honey. Yes, yeah, where it's ironically because you're Yeah, or if you're wearing like an old man sweater, you're like a darling little just exemple bies how young you are because it looks so different. Um No, I didn't see this at the wedding. I saw um I was completely overdressed. So overdressed I tried to I bought two stresses from Reformation based on Brenda got Hers. I bought them a size too big so they looked like I was going to like I was part of part of some like Mormon coming of age ceremony and those, so I trashed those. The only thing that fit me was this dress that it was far too dressy, but it was so it's so cute. I mean, it just looked like I was trying to be like the center of attention. It was just too much. It at a country club, it was just a nice reception outside and mine was like a sparkly pink dress and it was just too much. And I felt like if I saw myself, I'd be like, she wants us all to know she's on TV. She's got to stand out. And it just was a little like but in the end, but I got a lot of compliments, and I would always say I overdressed. I know I did. It's the only thing that fit me. And um, yeah, but it's still such a cute dress. Loved my luck, um, And yeah there was. I did a roast at the beginning of it with Chris. Chris and I roasted Um, Tim and his bride and that was really fun. We wrote roast jokes on the way up, um and that was well received. I danced a lot Um. There was a good band called Entourage that played the wedding. If you're getting married in the Skokie, Illinois area. It's such a I think I've only heard that word like or that town as a joke, Skokie Skulky, Illinois. It just seems like such a fun a punchline, usual suspect. That's how he finds out who Kaiser associate is. It's one of those things spoiler alert. He was a band in a quartet in Skokie, Illinois, and he like put it together. And my mom was born and raised it's a big Jewish population. What was your favorite part of the wedding. It was a great wedding. Like other than like it was a lot of reality show people, so everyone wanted to be the start anything. But other than that, like the family, the speeches were phenomenal. They were all from the heart. They were great speeches. They weren't like overdone, like I don't know, like I loved I love that good food. It was on the beach. The weather was shitty, but it kind of like. The opposites played well. Were their vows so romantic and sweet? The vowel quick vowels. I love a quick yes. The judge d D duh was very funny, but like maybe overleaf like trying this but did a good job. But did a good job. Um yeah, all in all, a lot of a little bit of drama was there partying afterwards, but got out. Didn't do it because it required you to be drunk it away that you weren't. I didn't want to do it, and we were saying a little drama. Yeah, it was drama. A lot of dance, crying going on dance crying people crying while dancing. Wow, that only happened to There was a nephew at the thing that was he was three and he was crying and I picked him up to comfort him, and everyone saw me with him and go what did you do to him? And I'm like, I'm comfortable. He was crying before I picked him up, like but everyone and then he kept crying more because everyone that looked at him would go oh no and give him that face of like oh, and then he feels like he's an idiot for crying. So I was just trying to get him away from people so I could be like, let's look at this like like, because I think when a lot of times when kids cry, like yes, they want attention, which he was getting from me. I was holding him. He wanted to be in my arms, like he gave into it. And then as soon as I held him, everyone looked at me like I was the one making him crying like that I was like preventing him from going to find his mom or whatever. But it wasn't that. I was like, actually I could. I could feel him like relieved in my arms. And then suddenly everyone's coming up being like what's wrong, and he felt so embarrassed, and then eventually he just like runs out of my arms and I'm like, god, I was so close. Look at this woman dressed up and everyone else. There were a lot of fans there, a girl Sassy. Shout out to Sassy, she's a bestie. I was walking by, and it was funny because as soon as people got a little bit more booze in them, they were more comfortable like being like hey, I like you, or like I know you or whatever. Um. But Sassy, I walked by her. She was so cute. She was the one at the wedding that I was like, I bet she dated Chris or something because she's so beautiful and like, I wonder how they all know her like this, This one's one to watch like she was just so hot. I was like, I love her dress, I love everything about her. I was like a little bit like jealous, like, oh, she probably hates me because she probably thinks I'm like trying to actually I'm not as cute as she is. I don't know. I was protecting lunch so much. I was just like, she really hates me because she's like the cutest one here, and I'm probably getting more attention because I'm like a dumb reality celebrity when really she should be the center of attention because she's like really hot. And then I was walking by her and she just goes Bestie and I go and she was like, I'm so embarrassed, but I like And then she showed me your text thread and she had sent like a mysterious picture that she snuck from like she was behind me being like there she is, like she was such a fan. So shout out to Sassy. I'm sorry I assume so much about you, but you're just hot and Brittie, next story, you gotta take a dead face picture with her next time. Oh my god. Yes, okay um. This is a story submitted by bestie eric uh a Canadian university is offering a course about Taylor Swift and her literary legacy. If you're a student at Queen's University in Ontario, I will be in the fall. Hey, you can try and get into a new course where you could study Swift's music, the literature. She references her films and her music videos, um and apparently the topic of the cultural studies course changes each year. So these people are just lucky to have that as the subject. I think it's a great move for universities to have a Taylor Swift course. It gets in people. Swifties are die hard. There's a lot in high school right now. You'll get attention, you'll get to get press, people will enroll like these classes. There's a lot of this going on right now with Swift. There's a new one every week. Even though in college cheating on everything and didn't really go to class, but there was like a class on Tom Petty. Oh yeah, I mean I took a jazz class and all we did was watched Ken Burns Jazz series and it was awesome. It was awesome. I loved it. You don't have to learn any theory music theory, no, no, no no, just learned about the history of jazz, and then there was supplemental things that we had to do for it as well. But um, I yeah, I loved any kind of class like that. What you really do is learn how to analyze art, which is a you know, it's just a good thing to do to be smarter, I think, is to learn how to analyze and write about art and how to take it apart. And I also think as a kid, like a teenager, like even in college, like some of his poetry it's too much like with these like double on and all that ship, you know, like, I don't need I just want really like, I love poetry if it's if it's bottle throttle, simple rhymes, simple rhymes, a b a bam, that's what I like. I don't need to like, you know, I don't want to put it, put it together, Ye give it. And I feel like Taylor Swift. She she does that a little bit, but usually you get you get, man, she's got so many things going on that you don't even know. Oh she's she's talking in all these little twists and turns and calling back to things that you didn't like. The depth of what she's capable of is insane. When she or do people put it on that, like, do people you know? There's sometimes people are like, well, she included thirteen letters in this one, you know verse, and then in the next one it's five letters, and then the next one is thirteen. That means that on five thirteen, she's going to be releasing this. Like so people do go crazy about stuff, but there's um, there's a lot that she does that I go, whoa, this girl is thinking. She's thinking on another level. Man. There was this one clip about um Kendrick Lamar. He does this song about forget what it's about, but it's about the just the numerology that happens within it of like the things he's talking about the number of uh you know versus add up to the number of things, and he's I mean it is like, you know, your mind does like a beautiful mind like tricks like this guy broke it down of all the numerology that's happening within it, and it's insane. I'll say it. I'll do a Reddit on it. I know. I just as an artist, I just go God, I am just not when I see stuff like that where they're doing cryptic things where it's like this sub meaning of this is referencing back to this, and then you add these up and then it equals this, and that's not gonna pay off until the third album, which she knew was coming in through Like I just I go, I am just really not. I'm an idiot. I don't do anything special like that. Mine's very just simple, just is what it. There's no I mean, how many comics are like not filling into blanks for people. I mean there is that that alternative comedy where it's like we're not doing jokes where you should understand it just how it is, or based off an attitude or and I think sometimes though artists though don't intentionally do it, and that by observing art you can actually sense something that's going on in this artist's life that they didn't even intend to tell you, and you can get it right about it, which I think is very interesting because you could if if they go on to study my stuff, they'll be able to find things about me that I didn't even know I was telling people maybe payoff in later works that I wasn't even able to see at the time. But like, oh, she was foreshadowing this, but it's like no, I wasn't. I just didn't know what was going on. Um, there's this thing that keeps popping up for me right now, which is so weird is that Anya told me, I guess a couple of weeks ago. She was like, you know, Matt was talking about your Matt Pond, my tour manager, and um, you know friend musician he was talking about. He was like, you know, Nikki talks about really dirty things, and you know, is really wacky and goofy and gross sometimes, but like, overall, she's very wholesome. Nick He's a wholesome person. And that's the first time I've ever heard that, right. She was like, it was just so cute that Matt was like, Nicky's actually really wholesome. She loves her family. She really loves that people because they haven't a like I have a friend be like, dude, did she like funk all the time. I'm like, she's so not that whatever whatever you're getting. I've never been described as wholesome, but Matt said it, and I I've always been trying to communicate like I am not what people think of me, but I've never thought of wholesome. I would never describe myself as that. It's almost like the word adorable where I'm like so flattered people think I'm wholesome and then so weird because I keep hearing wholesome about myself and so I'm like, did I talk about the podcast? Why do people keep saying wholesome to me? It is a review I've been getting people right to me or like, you're so wholesome. I love that your comedy is wholesome. You have a wholesome message, like it's do you ever like start seeing something everywhere and like it takes one thing to unleash it and you get everywhere anything of My friend last night was like I love your show. I can watch it with my mom. It's so wholesome. And I go, did you hear me stay wholesome? And how I like that on the Pockets? Did I mentioned on the podcast that I've been getting that? She's like no, And I'm like, that is so weird. It's so nice. Yeah, I've never I get what you're saying. It's almost like everyone like you know, your phone listens to you, but everybody's listening. Yes, yes, did the message get out? But I do think that the TV show you know, it is it? I mean compared to what reality TV has become even if you are saying dirty words or you're acted or whatever, like the idea that we're not trying to stab each other in the back and we're not talking to the camera like this fucking bitch Nikki thinks she's my boss and she's gonna fucking do this. I'm gonna cut her in the middle two. Yeah, well that would be pretty cool. Yeah, that's coming into your life. That came through on last night's episode because even though you were talking about like your your act on stage and talking about anal and sucking at dick where it gets to your heart and stuff like that, it's just so funny. Um. In the testimonials, you were also talking about I haven't slept with with anyone except for Chris, and like eight years it's been. It's been eight years already in the last two I've I've been totally celibate. So yes, you know, it's that like dichotomy or whatever. And I'm not lying on stage, it's just people are not contextualizing it. Like I talk about sex on stage, but they don't realize it's with the same person. And I you know, maybe you say that they cut, they cut. I know, you do say that at some point. Sometimes in your act you'll say, I only the same person for eight years. Yeah, but I and they cut the scene with my parents last night, and thank god because my parents were like, Nikki, you need to have them cut that. I can't believe you said that. My mom was so horrified. But I was, like, I feel like a porn star a lot of times, with how like embarrassed people are of what I do, and they just they kind of wink at me, like I've seen you and like I and I say that with like I love porn stars, and I can only imagine what it's like for them to like be proud of their work and have to go out and always act ashamed and have other people like ashamed on behalf of them, and have their families be like, well, we can't watch your stuff. It's like I don't want you to just let me. I don't I don't want to go watch you. Well shit, you know, like you don't have to know. We don't need to talk about my profession all the time, but this bad thing. It goes back to that feeling though that your mother wouldn't want to watch you perform. Every porn star probably feels. I mean, it'd be weird if the parents like, I facking love watching my daughter fuck but but like that feeling like every porn stars that feeling my mom saying I wouldn't watch any porn like that like my daughter. No, no, no, my mom said, I wouldn't watch if she wasn't my daughter, I wouldn't want her so like, it wasn't about me, it was about the content. She doesn't like my content. If someone else was doing my content, she would not care to see it. Oh, okay, so across the board, she wouldn't watch any porn. No, like, well, it would be just my mom being like, I don't like her music because like my mom being like if your mom was Cardi Bees, if Cardi B's mom said to her, I can't listen to my daughter, not because she's if she wasn't my daughter, you think your mom would say if she wasn't my daughter, I would love wop. But hearing my daughter saying that, it's hard. No, it's like I wouldn't even like this song if it wasn't you. I just don't like what you do. And I yeah, as a porn start, my mom doesn't watch porn so I wouldn't be hurt if my mom was like, I wouldn't watch you even if you weren't my daughter. But when you're a comedian and your mom does like comedians, you're like, I wasn't. Yeah, we gotta go to brake. Let's come back with why do I care? Well, I'll be like, I like watching so many other women. It's not even a daughter issue. It wasn't you. I just don't like the way you move your hips. All right, we're back. Why do I care? We killed so many stories due Oh my god? Why do I care? All right? Um, Megan Fox tells a stylist she cut a hole in her blue jumpsuit to have sex with Machine Gun Kelly. It was hard to get off or something, and they were just like eager. She was wear it out again, right, here's it was like this sequined blue it was very cute jumpsuit. And here's what she wrote to her stylist was this blue outfit expensive because we just cut a hole in the crotch so we could have sex. The stylist responded, I hate you, alongside three laughing emojis, before adding I'll fix it. Okay, So it's probably at the end of the night, like she didn't want to take it off. It's so hot to like have sex when you have clothes on. There's something hot about it. Had about destroying property in order to just get it in and not like just you want it so bad, you know, slid your panties to the side, like that jay Z line in that one song, like is so hot to me of just like just disrespecting clothes, someone cutting something off of you, someone ripping it. So, yeah, I like it. I like them again, I do like them very cut points, but yeah, they're they're they're very I go back and forth on whether I hate Machine Gun Kelly or not. But I do think like he just likes this what he's doing. Really, I don't think it's just for the likes and what he you know what I mean. I just think he might like the likes though, Like you might just like the feeling of getting likes. And is that is that wrong that that's what you like? You know? Or you like to have people go he's cool, Like you might like that, So that is that wrong? Like I just was watching a video of him. I showed you this video from back in the day where he's just in a bookstore or whatever, a music store and he's just wrapping with a backwards held a white T shirt and he fucking owns it, like owns it, and you go, well, you're already good enough to to be somewhat of them. He wanted to be a star, like like Kanye want to be a fashion icon. He wants to He wanted to delve into fashion a bit more. I mean, you change your look up. You're not wearing boots because you once wore dirty tennis shoes. Doesn't mean like he was himself in those dirty touches. Why was he wearing boots like you know you're allowed to try. Oh yeah, you're I get it. I I go through that too, of like yeah, you just I just want people to like me for me, and why is not me enough? Because we're all human and on a human level, I should be able to connect with you without going over the top for you having to notice me. Yes, but you're like but then also wanting to do that so that you get that love because you realize it is contingent, like I was doing. I was doing Caitlin Bristo's podcast other day. She's from you know you've had her on your podcast. Um it's called Off the Vine. I think it's gonna be on this week. But at one point she's like talking about, like, you know, like the people that love you, they're gonna love you despite what you look like and despite what you'reit, and I go, no, I like, there's a part of me that likes you because you're cute. I like your hair, I like your fashion, I like your face. I I'm not gonna like Caitlin I like you because you're cute. It's not, but I like it. I like, I really love it. Okay, good, Well it's leading to another piece that we do with seven years about love, and you'll see that I wasn't ready to tackle love at this point in my life because I was struggling with but I noticed a one three four in that. Um. It was funny though, to be able to say to her, like, yeah, like, you're not wrong for wanting to have worked on on your face or whatever, because just trying to get people to like us more, because it actually does get you to if you're prettier, people like you more. I mean, this is I've talked about this ad nauseum, but like this whole thing of like just worry about what's inside. Shut up, people care about the outside. Why do you think people were so fucking mad when my show interrupted the met Gala because you wanted to see what people looked like. We weren't seeing anyone's souls on that carpet. The fans were ravenous for my fucking soul and wanted to behead me because they cut off met Galla arrivals for my dumb reality show where I'm trying to be more real. It's like, no one wants more real. We like people that look shiny and pretty. Those people's souls left a long time. That's how they lost the weight. It's a new diet by Kim k Lose your soul, gain a follower. Oh yeah, you lose how many ounces? Is like two ounces? Your That's so funny. There's this new diet. If you're trying to shut that extra little bit of weight, there's a little it's your inner thighs where your soul. Yeah, solo cycle and the whole time you just kick dogs. It helps you get to a place where you don't you have no soul. Okay, let's get to our Monday Segment's Top one, bottom one. We are going to say the top and the bottom and you but you know that it's like twenty one grams or something is the weight of a soul. That's why that one movie is called It's about a soul. It's like they've noticed that when bodies die, the soul has apparently some sort of matter material, you know, weight to it, and it's it's grams. But for someone to go like, man, if I just become a sociopath, I can I can fit into these genes if I lose that extra two grams? Okay? Top one bottom? What's the category? Today's categories? Appliances? All appliances top one bottom one. I was looking around my kitchen. I was like, who do I love? Well appliances or anything like in your anywhere that it's just like things. What's the definition of an appliance? Can you look that up? Noah, because that is difficult. I was looking at I was in my bathroom when we came up with this, So I'm looking around my bathroom for stuff. But I think pliances are They're they're everywhere. Okay, what's your device or piece of equipment designed to perform a specific task, typically a domestic one, great Okay, that's robots. They're a little little bit. We don't think of them as robots. Their robots. Okay, so what are we going with? What's your least favorite appliance? I mean, this was tough, man. I I went with the toaster. I'm sorry, but just because you don't need it, I just don't use it. I don't use you. I put you away. I know you're sad in there. Yeah, oh god, I just keep burning so getting the food out of it. It's like, you know, you're getting the bread out if it's too small a bread. You're just a sad little guy in there. And I'm sorry, but yeah, toaster, toaster, although eggos are good in there. Okay, well, it seems like you're really torn on this. No, not that torn your toaster. You're down, Get out of here. What about you know? Mine has to be my vacuum cleaner. And the thing specifically about it that I hate, besides the fact that it's so heavy, is that the cord is not retractable, so it constantly gets tied up. I constantly run over it. It constantly falls off of the handle when I'm trying to carry around. The vacuum is so inconvenient. I would have never known of vacuums and appliance? Really did you know that? Yeah, well it's helping you. It's a domestic task. What did you think why would you think it isn't an appliance? I literally thought there was maybe would you think it was several appliances? But what what? Why wouldn't a vacuum an appliance? Like what, what in your mind is an appliance that avacuum does not? What do you think it was a car? A vehicle? Huh? Did you think it was appliance? No, the vacuum cluder? Did you think it was a vehicle? Yeah? Like, what would it be if it's not an appliance? Is a room bow on a plan? But what? But but think about what your definition of appliances? That makes that not? Like? What about it? I didn't know the definition of appliance until Noah, just right, you know? But some there was something in your mind though that was a vacuums not fit into everything in the kitchen and then the washer dryer. Other than that, nothing else applies to that. Yeah, it makes sense. What else is an appliant? What's an appliance in the bathroom? You were saying hair dryer, my my clothes steamer, the curling iron, hair straightener, electric toothbrush. Um, is everything an appliance? Now a humidifier, Um, curl curling rock those a set of curling things. I don't even know even when my life changed. An appliance or headphone because has to have like electricity charging it. Yeah, you have to like yeah, it has to work on its own computer. Yes, it's kind of like an electronic Yeah, it's more yeah, maybe not an appliance. It is a. It is a That's why I asked for the definition. It is murky. But I will say my least favorite. Yeah, what's your least favorite the bottom. My least favorite appliance is probably the dryer, because a dryer, although it's so beneficial, I just don't every single part of my like, all my clothes get shrunk no matter what. Um, they all get that like kind of dusty dryer look. And I do clean out the limp thing every single time. I just think dryers ruined clothes, and they never give me. I always convinced myself. A you know a lot of times you have like a huge packed, you know, washer and everything's wet and you kind of can't tell what's in it, and you just convince yourself like this is all good to go in the dryer. I oh, I never think, let me go piece by piece. I always just go it's fine. I remember I removed the things that are delicates that need to be And I always shrink things and then I give them to Onya because once they're shrunk they would fit her. So I've given many of like a really nice Isabel Murant sweater and or dressed to Aya because it just gets shrunk just enough. And there's nothing more annoying to me than short sleeves. When a sleeve. That's why all sweatshirts extra long, because I love having like baggy sleeves that can grip onto. If it even comes up at half an inch above my wrist, I am disgusted by it. And then I put it on the I step on the sleeve and then I pull it and I ripped the sleeve. It's a whole mess. I have a weird kind of shape body, a little bit weird where if I buy thirty three g I have to wear them a little bit. I do a lot of work to get the jeans to fit my weird body and then the dryer goes Remember you're like, you gotta go through it all again. I love the dryer, though, four jeans that are too big and you want to give them a little tightening, and like, there's some jeans I have that are baggy that you have the perfect amount. So but the dryer causes me, has caused me so much self hatred because I go other girls clothes are always so crisp or like so soft, and my dryer just like sucks the like and don't write to me about pat fabric softener and all this stuff. I've tried everything. There's something about me that is inherently stained. It's been a while and my clothes are just stiff and gross coming out of the dryer. And it doesn't matter about the toaster because the dryer fighting you back. I didn't even think about the toaster fighting back. If the toaster is plugged in, you're trying to get the ego out or a small piece of bread and you go in with a fork or knife. Can don't do that? Okay, favorite top appliance? Yes do you think that was like in just in cartoons? Turn it off? You can do it once it's off, but unplugged it and then you're fine. Yeah, you're going in the bath with a toaster too, Okay, go electronics. You know these are things electricity. Yeah, okay, alright, I mean it's got to be. It's it's a tie. But I mean this is so hack. But dishwasher. I've lived in New York for seven years without change my answer. I don't. Dishwasher is my bottom. Who cares? Don't need it, never have, never will. I don't like it. It conserves water, it does, but I have to I have to wash off every dish before it goes in. I don't want any dish in the dishwasher to have anything on it. Wash. No, what you wash before wash? Right, So it's not conserving water for me. But like if you put in a dirty dish in the dishwasher, it doesn't always get clean. If it's a surprise. Yeah, if you leave a lot of old shop you run it every day. I just I don't know. Maybe maybewher my dishes enough that when they're ready to go in the dish washer, I go, I've already cleaned this. It's ready to go. I've cleaned it a little bit. It's already ready, but there's no smudge on it. I don't care about germs, microscopic germs. If I can't say a germ, I don't give a funk about it. Dishwashers are a waste of space. I use I run them maybe once every two months. Here's the thing. I didn't have a dishwasher for seven or eight years living in New York, and that's how I got used to not having one. But now that I have, when I think it's a luxury in my mind, really, and and emptying it and everything you do all that, that's so much work. I don't like it. I kind of like the process. I'm learning to love the process. Know what's your top one so I can shoot all over it? Yeah, yeah, I was just you're gonna love it. You're not. You're not going to shoot on it because I'm not going to think it's an appliance. I'll tell you that probably not. It's it's definitely a little bit of a splurge. It's a it's an espresso milk froth. Oh yeah, that is a good appliance. Wait, wait, what is okay? So if froths hot and cold, frice coffee not coming in my mouth. I'll tell you that froth. I mean, your mouth is a frouth. Get some milk in there, you will get it foaming. His is lukewarm. You do a cold and a hot. He's got a just a body temperature. You don't need a dishwacher or a frothy. Froths oat milk, which because I don't drink cow's milk, I think it's gross. Uh if froth's almond milk like all like the milk alternatives and makes it nice and thick for me, and I use it every day. Yeah, every day. I love a frother. That's a good one. Um machine recently, yeah, yeah, I got one too. Well, we have whatever that is. It's the same. It comes in four anyways, go ahead, comes in for what Why didn't you pay different sizes? Someone bought it for us, So it comes in a little expressed. They come one to three four. So depending on how much coffee you want, you get the same amount a caffeine, but a smaller thing. That's literally on every single cappuccino machine is at the size that you want, and it is based on you put in one pot. So it's not like it's we had to have one out here that does the same thing that you use a million times, you would think you would think, Um, my favorite appliance is what I just got. I bought it the other night in the middle of the night. I was fucking so hot I couldn't sleep. My room would not get below sixty five degrees, even though and I like a good sixty one and my room usually does that because it's been It was ninety degrees last week. And so I bought the bed Jet, which is not a sponsor. I'm not saying any They didn't give me any kind of deal. But it's an air conditioner for your bed and you put UM. I bought special sheets that do so. It is a little tube that comes up the side of the leg of the bed onto the mattress and it's like almost like um, a vacuum for your car. It has like a little nozzle that attaches to your sheet and blows air into your sheets underneath you to keep you cool at night. So I am going no, I just bought a number one and we haven't even tried it. Yeah, I'm so excited about it. Seems like you're getting ahead of yourself. It better be worth it. It was Si. I was, so, I'm just tired of being hot when I sleep. I just don't want to ever be hot again. It just makes my sleep. Hell, I'm gonna feel like that. There's a guy on your sheets, just blowing on your that's the the added bonus. That's eight. Um. Sorry, oh that guy was we hired him. Um yeah, sometimes there are well you know for that for that episode of the episode that it was on last night, there was a guy in Chicago who was massaging my feet backstage. We hired him as like a bit because I'm always like I want a foot massage so bad backstage, and like it was a bit of me training to get Andrew a massage my feet. So it was going to be like a thing that paid off more than it did in the episode. It just looked like I had a random guy rubbing my feet backstage, but there was like a storyline beyond that that didn't end up like coming to fruition, but I that is my dream is to hire a messus every place I go. I need a masseus in St. Louis. By the way, if anyone knows of a good masseus, I am in desperative line I can't deal with this anymore. And I'm telling you, don't give me someone who's going to be gentle. I want. I want deep pressure. I want someone who gets in there. I want someone maybe who used as a tool because I feel bad for your hands. Yeah, I need an appliance on me. You would like a like a like a guy that probably would be best working in a dungeon who's above ground, Like there's a dungeon belowground or think it's yeah, an above ground You want to above ground dungeon where the guy doesn't wear leather, but it is strong like that and doesn't want to be friends with me. Yea just gets in, does the job, leaves, he doesn't whispers. Yeah, I would like them to come to me so that I don't have to get dressed and like get in my car and like see the light afterwards, I just want to go crawl into bed after I have it, to forget that I don't have anyone else comes to the house. Final thought, I don't like going to get massages because when I get dressed and I have this intimate like hand all over me, massaging me like lovingly, and then I have to just the end of it. I have to get dressed, I have to walk out into like the harsh light. I have to get in my car and like start my car, like then I have to drive. I'm just like it's just almost like when you have sex with someone and they're like, okay, leave and you're just sort of like what I thought we're going to hang out, Like not that I want to hang out with my mysterus. I just want to gently ease into real life again. I don't want to just be so you would like an hour of naptime after a massage, but I don't want to nap at I don't like those places that go, oh, you can just hang up by the spa and you can just get in these chairs in the quiet room. I know eventually I'm gonna have to get in my car. I want to I want someone to come over and I could just get right into bed and be in my place and you leave, okay. Yeah. The only thing with an alcohol is like then you have to have a little bit of maybe like awkwardness. Where do you want me to set up? Like I go right here and then I leave the room and and let them set up, and then I come back to them, like it's my panic of having people in my house, Like I just would tell them right here hotels. Sorry, um, I wanted to like yell about this, but now I'm like pretty calm about it. Uh it's the dishwasher thing. No, No, the I went to rent a car, h and I only have a debit card and they wouldn't run into me. And they go, we'll take a deposit of five. Actually, I go, that's fine. I have plenty money to pay for this car. They go, well, we're gonna run a credit check. I go, why are we bringing a credit check into a six Like, I'll pay cash? Like what what happened to fucking car companies where debit cards are the devil to them? And they wouldn't rent me the fucking car. After they don't let you. Do you need a credit card at a hotel? Oh maybe back in the day, but yeah, credit card? I know, I I know, I mean yeah, but I get it. It's it's thirty five whatever you And so I end up I end up taking an uber to the Hampton's but I couldn't do it, but I had a car out there luckily because check they wouldn't let you. After they did, they did a credit check my credit You want to know my credit score. It's like, yeah, six thirty one. I know that's bad. It's bad, but it's not like, yeah, under six d I think it's bad. I mean, so I have an okay credit score, I'm willing to pay an extra five and they still oh, and then they go, we can't cancel it. I go, what do you mean? Well, you did it through a third party, so I called it. I have to get on Expedia. The Expedia goes, we can't cancel it. We gotta call the car company. Jesus Christ, am I do? I have to work to get a cancel where they wouldn't give me, you know what I mean. It's just like that's why so many times I just swallow the costs because I'm not willing to play this back and forth and just go Actually, the time I would spend on the phone is three of my time, so just take it. That's two guys blowing on your feet cold there. I know it's crazy, it's stupid, but I lose a lot of money by just being like, I don't want to deal with the hassle of it. I don't. I think these companies make it that way because they know people like me are just like you know what forgetting Yeah, I just don't want to deal with it. So I called in uber. I got the money back. I actually saving a hundred and fifty bucks. Is I used my buddy's truck out in the Hampton's. But we get there, his keys aren't the truck aren't there. You know what I mean. That's like these like little things where you like, I'm just gonna have a relaxing time. I'm in the Hamptons. And what it stopped you from getting one bad credit? It's like the thing of like you can't do it if you can't, Yeah, you need to get this thing. But to get this thing, you need a thing to get the like, how do I get credit? Good credit? You need to get a credit card. How do I get a credit card? Um, well you have to have good credit. Well then what the funk am I gonna do? What's like getting a job and they're like you need three years experience. Well I need to get a job to get experience. It's it's just it's an ongoing cycle of like so you I could get a credit card, but you have to pay cash to get the you know what I mean, Like, if you have to give Bang America like two bucks for them to give you a credit card, you gotta pay upfront for the speaking up. I have to return a car. I rented a car for not but I'm looking for a new car, and so let me uh alexus RX for the weekend, and I gotta return it today. I didn't even have it from part of the weekend because I was in Chicago with the wedding. Um, but I gotta going you like a lot? Yeah, yeah, I like it a lot. I want to go test drive other stuff. There's other Lexis that I want to try out, and I'm thinking about trying out a four runner. I just let a land Cruiser toyotas but those are dope. But plus I want to do it. I didn't know if you knew what cars were. No, I really don't a lot of times, but I do know. Um no, it makes sense that you questioned it and then um, yeah, so I got to go do that today. I'm like, oh god, no, it's gonna be awkward because I'm gonna be like thank you, no thanks yet. And the problem is, like there was a perfect Lexus I found. It was the color of champagne, which is what I want, because no one wants that color. Everyone's thinking that's a good old person's color. I love it and you can't. And I found one Lexus it's like r X Champagne. And I waited because I didn't I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to wait because I had to go. I had another date and it wasn't with a guy, but the kind of date that you just want to sleep in late and you didn't get to so you have to go take a nap. So I said, no, snap, I'm not gonna buy this car. I'll wait till next Monday and if it's still here then I'll know it's uh, not too far from me to get another car. But then I checked another car and it ended up being not the color I want. It's like a Cobalt, and I was like, I'm going to co bolt out of this dealership and go try to find the car of my dreams and just never mind. Man, that's deep. It hit me in the heart. Sometimes it hits me so hard. I don't know where to start. I get sad sometimes I myself when I look in the mirror, because who am I if I'm not Shakira when I dance, my hips do lie? But do they lie or did they tell the truth? If you look up the numerology, you'll know that I'm the one and you're not. And okay, I was really waiting for something to run with ooze. Okay, I thank you for listening to the the show. We'll be here all week. Uh, thank you for sending news stories. And don't peka aji. Jackfish is it one? I'm short. There's a Jackfish outdoor guy, at least a guy named Jack Fish. Toyota