#215 The Dirty Locker Thing

Published May 10, 2022, 1:00 AM

In Nikki's world you have to earn your treat. They remember the lunches they got in school and dirty lockers. This morning, Andrew's noise cancelling headphones also cancelled the smell of a smokey cab. They discuss acting out of their element on dates, like the time Andrew acted like "the strong silent type". Nikki is frustrated about going to a car dealership more so than almost dying on her last flight that had a new pilot. You Heard It Here First: groups are gross, someone got a better deal than Julie at GoodWill and the most anonymous celebrity relationship ever. In Top1 Bottom1 they talk about Friends the TV show and ones they had/have.

The nick podcast. Here, I am welcome to the show. It's Nicky Glats podcast. It's Monday. Marian's dancing over there. Marian's here everyone, My parents dog. My parents are out of town, and so I'm taking care of Marion and she is not eating right now and she has diarrhea. But Andrew just saw her and said that she looked fat. Your parents are definitely given her something from the table. Yeah, they make her a plate every single They give her so much food. These dogs always get fat when they go over there because it's just my dad for doing nothing. Treats are like a treat because you do something to earn it. Yes, my dad just up like and then he won't give one dog a treat for doing something good because the other dog will get jealous. And I'm like, dogs don't have jealousy, Like I don't know, I feel like they're pretty jealous of each other. You pet one, the other one jealousy though, will it be hurt like the rest of the day and like suffer because um, this goes back to like I don't know. I wonder if you pet just one dog for a week and not the other one, that would be so sad. I don't even want to think about that. So maybe they do have feelings or jealousy. Well, it goes back to like what um Anya was talking about. It we were at Starbucks this weekend. We probably went to the thirty Starbucks this weekend. But when we were talking about like she when she said she was living with me, and I said, I haven't earned a nap today, Like I I really want a nap, but I haven't earned one. And she was like, I'd never heard someone say something like that, And I was like, what do you mean? Like you anytime you do anything that is like relaxing or like feels good, it should come after some sort of hard work or like some sort of suffering. But I think her idea is just to viewing a nap as a treat as opposed to your body is just like putting in your mind that it's like a dessert that you don't deserve, so you deserve it. If you put in work enough to be tired, you don't get to nap. If you haven't worked all day, you're telling me you can't wake up and then nap ten minutes. I mean, I do, but it feels terrible and it's it's probably more like a leading to depression than like something balanced. But I I feel the same way with the dogs. I'm just like, they don't get treats unless they do something you can't just get. You have to earn things. And we're talking about like I mean, and I don't think that means like you don't give your kids toys or like presenters or like a day off school or whatever unless they earn it. But it shouldn't just be for nothing. I think there needs to be some kind of Is that wrong to know? I don't think so. I think that's I think when I got when I was sixteen, I got a car, right, Yes, I should have had to have worked at least to summer to at least put maybe five into that car. That's what I would do if I ever have a kid, like I think my parents they treated me like Marian I was just the same thing, you know, got whatever he wanted. As kind of yeah I was. I was spoiled, spoiled with gifts, but not with love. So it's kind of like here's a car. Now, I'm not going to talk to you for a year about I didn't get any everything I wanted, but we got a lot of cool stuff, and like Kirsten would always say, you're like, it's so fun hanging out with your dad because if he goes to the gas station, goes into pay, he'd come back and just throw a bunch of candy in the backseat and be like I gotta watch, like you feel like Twizzlers and peanut Eminem's and just like like a waterfall of candy would fall and it was like that was were you jealous of your sister if she got something and you didn't get it? Yeah, but that would never happen. My parents are very even if you do not get something, if your sister gets like no one gets more. There's this new thing that I learned about if you're a parent that helps. Um. You know, kids get when you're you're eating, kids get jealous of like they like I want more, like I want hers, like they always want what isn't theirs? Um. And this is a tactic I read about on Reddit that also they use in a prisoner of war camps and there's like food food rationing. UM. So you go you let one kid ration each portion to go, okay, split it in half and be like make a plate, make a plate, and then the other kid decides which one they want first. So one kid decide tries to make them equal as possible, obviously because he doesn't know which one he's going to get, and then the other kid chooses. And so that's how you should have your kids decide what to eat so that they don't one feels they both feel involved. Also, kids eat horribly usually because sisters don't want to hear it. I get it though, Like my kid was crying, But then what if you never introduced chicken tenders to your kid? Would they want chicken tenders? Is it what comes first a chicken or to crying? You know what I mean? They want things? Well, they they see things marketed, and so you know what you want. You think the kids seen on the highway. I used to say I need this. My dad would say you don't need anything, and I go, I need this, Like I would get ideas from commercials of what I needed food. You're right, though, like do if you feed your kids like balanced food and you don't let them have those treats. But once, you mean, once they get to school. School kids start school early, they're gonna see another kids lunch. He's gonna have fucking yeah, gushers, What was the thing that you would want out of school? Lunches? At school, you guys like everything was trading up for a sandwich that I wanted, Like you love sandwiches. So my friend had this like roast beef, American cheese mayo sandwich. It was nothing to go nuts about. But a mother had made something for this child. Maybe it was a mother's love. You just wanted. You wanted to taste a mother's favorite. Prints. I didn't trade him a sandwich from home. My mom gave me money to buy his sandwich from so I gave him the school sandwich. I came with mother's love. Well, the money, I guess, but but I don't know. There was something about a homemade kind of disgusting sandwich. Yes, well we get turkey sandwiches on the road. Yes on the writer. I think I'm gonna change it, though it makes me tired. Man, it's a thing I'm telling you. So what do you change to do? Ham Ham wakes Ham's cocaine of the tuna that will get you fucking going? What are you gonna day to do? I'm gonna change into grilled chicken sandwich. That's hard to get. What do you mean, are grilled chicken sandwich is hard to find? No grilled chickens in every turkey sandwich. Yeah, yeah, the same bird. Okay, do you remember getting jealous of lunches and like things. So I used to get jealous of kids who would get school lunch. But the thing that really makes me jealous because I always had, like you had a sack lunch. Yeah, like my my mom would send this with food. It was lunch. What was in that brown bag? It was just a pa bread cut in half, either with cheese and cucumbers or a cheese and salami. Cute. No, just really it was very sad. So I would get so jealous of the kids who had lunch a bowles. Do you remember the packaging they would have like a variety of cheeses and cold cuts and a little the pizza. Yeah that was so gross because it was cold, but like you just loved it. Um, yeah, I mean the slippery meat. That's what I couldn't understand. I would go over to a friend's house and her mom would make dinner for the family, and they would just be spaghetti. There would be no salad, there would be no fruit. The like, I was really lucky that I had a mom that made sure every food group was hit. But I just remember being like, I can't believe this girl who like lives in a big house as a really nice family, big yard, like bigger house than mine, nice neighborhood, their family for a sit down dinner baghetti, marinera, nothing else, no, nothing else. I couldn't believe it. I remember going home and being like, I, Mom, they didn't have anything else, And then my parents were just like that it's terrible lunch. Yeah, I mean too CUTEI oranges or an apple. Then a bag of like uh you know, like my mom would take chips and put them in a bag like Toritos or something, or like the snack sized Toritos, and then um, either peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a salami sandwich or um yeah, oh yeah, salamie. My mom loves salami and I'm not making it like love salamia, like the thick kind, like oh my god, I love. My favorite was when we'd get a peanut butter and jelly and it would go it would be at the bottom of the sack lunch, and then throughout the day it would be in my bag and it would get like hot and it would all melt. It would melt into the bread and get like it would all become one. It would be like pustable. It would just be this moist. You know, this is how Increstible started. This guy like brick of moist, just soft, gooey. Oh and the jelly was soak into the bread. Strawberry jelly was the best, not chunky peanut butter. But that's what I liked from a Mannaise sandwich is so key mayo, yeah moist. Yeah. I mean this thing was in my locker for a hot Florida locker for nine hours and yeah you really. Yeah, sandwiches were not definitely kids that had outdoor lockers, it seems like, so it's pretty cool. My locker was fucking filthy. I mean, I'm sure ship fell out of your locks. Mine was so bad I shared. Oh yeah, yeah. It was like opening a uber trunk, an uber X trunk when you when you a scamp and you go for one that and he looks at you like, oh, you have bags, and then he's got to open his trunk and there's like two bodies in there. He's going to shove to the side. Yeah, I mean, I my locker, my car, everything. I mean, talk about a d D and everyone would see it except for like I just was just like, this is me. You know your room was like that. Yeah, everything two months ago. Yeah here, Yeah you haven't changed. I've changed. Your car had cans almost to the uh you know, halfway up to your shin. Yeah, recently, not that long ago. So it's funny. This was yesterday. I was listening to the Puddles podcast and I learned about how what I'm just plugging it. I know, I know that I'm making a joke. And I learned about how Andrew had his car broken into, and probably all the junk in there deterred the robber. I'm stealing anything smart smart He's like awesome when he got to yeah, I always want When my car got broken into in l A one time, I wanted them. I was happy that they stole stuff because it just looked cleaner. I didn't even know what they stole because there was so much ship. I remember being like I wrote it down as a joke because it was the first thing that came to my mind, was like, thank you so much for cleaning this up. Getting that taking that CD case. It's much of crap. I love the idea, you like leave a sign like doors open. Uh, the car is b O. And he he walks by like a like a you know, shady looking at he's trying to get rid of this car because everyone that will clean up and get in and go. And he walks by, just leaves. He rolls down the window. He closed the door, and he's like looking at the criminal looking guy in the corner and he takes his keys and he just throws it through the window and drops him and he's like presents the car and then the guy gets in it and it's the closing scene and then the crewds come up because the guy's like speaking of like smelly cars. I mean, the was it this morning? My God had smokey smokey Joe. Yeah, I was. I tipped, but I did complain about the smell on this car, and I gave four stars. There's something about having those air pods in that are noise canceling, but they cancel I think all my sense, Like I started coughing, but I didn't know if I was smelling. I didn't My nose wasn't working either. I don't know if they're all connected or not. I did a science project about this, so it should actually amplify. I would think your smell, you know what I mean, when your other sentences are kind of deadened. Yeah, you would think. And I got in right away and was like, I had to wait fifteen minutes for this uber. I can't call another one. It's just you just don't. You don't get to drive an uber if you smoke. And I know you smoke in your car because I was once a smoker, and you try not to smoke in your car, but you smoke in your car and you roll the windows down and it still absorbs it. If you're still smoking, what are you doing? What are you doing having blast? I don't want to stop this conversation, but I want to go back a little bit. You said that you and Kirsten shared a locker. Do your pomper like what decorations you had on it? I think we have like a white board, that's probably it. Like stick I don't think we didn't. I don't think we decorated. No. I think it was like vandalism if we did, because stickers, you like, couldn't get them off, you know. But I remember she was not happy sharing a locker with me, and became why did that happen? Because it was senior year and it was like, oh my god, we get to share lockers. It would be so fun. It was in the senior hallway. It was like a fun thing we wanted to and then it quickly became a huge burden, like my friends would spend the night at my house and just be like, how do you live like this? Like all my friends rooms were so clean except me and Halla. Halla and I were the most messy, but Kirsten and Taylor no, oh god no. I tried my best, but it's it's it's nice to have an extra room. Room that's a judge drawer. I always would have a room or a closet and I would stuff everything and I would get rid of it. And it was such like a half as job because you know, my room's clean. It's that the drawer that you have all those like rubber bands and keys and paper clips, that's I have a room now. That's that. So it was Kirsten kind of clean that she was like so clean she was. I mean, it hurt our friendship. I believe it was not good. Yeah, she I mean, like, because I was so ashamed of myself. It was so embarrassing to be a messy person and to have like your friend probably talk about it with your other friends and be like, it's so bad sharing a lock with her. Like I could just sense it was a thing that had been harboring in her mind for a while. Well, you know my friend Seth we roomed freshman year. Oh yeah, and you had a fish in your bed as a prank and you didn't. Well, they put anchovies under my bed and joke was on them because you didn't. Yeah, I was waiting until the end of year when that was the anchovies would taste amazing. I don't know how. He was so mad that he took all my clothes because I was so dirty, put it all and he put it out in the hallway. He goes, I'm going to burn it. That's where our friendship got, Like he's going to burn all your clothes because you're such a fucking disaster now, and it's so hard because you just don't there's just no way to not be that way. Probably whitening it laid throughout high school. I'm gonna blame my locker. Well, no, I think you didn't get laid because you had bad self esteem, and thus she had a dirty locker because of bad self esteem. And then you also have an excuse for why you don't get late, because you're like, my rooms not clean. These are all things that we do. I never had a girl back to, but because my rooms not clean, you can't come back. Yes, like I would. I would have loved for my parents to be like, you can't date boys, so that I would have had an excuse why it didn't date boys, or like some kind of thing about it. But yeah, I mean I made a ton of excuses. I was Jewish, I was short, I didn't live I lived an hour away from school, so no girl's gonna want to date someone that far away. I went in all Christian school, so I had all these things in my heads of why I wasn't yeah good enough for a girl. Well, you told me about this weekend we passed the Bahama Breeze restaurant and you said that you had once taken a girl on a date there, and I thought it was during your a sexual phase and you said it was kind of It's all very hazy about Andrew's past. I don't know when he was not where. You weren't getting laid, you were drinking too much, you had no like, you didn't get girls like. But suddenly you're going on a date with a beautiful girl at Bahama Breeze, a stripper. Yeah, okay, And I took her. I took her out, We went to dinner. It was like a Tuesday. I had one drink. I was bringing her home. And know what about the other one? The girl where you trying to act cool? Oh, that was just a completely different date. I tried to be the strong, silent type for a night. She thought I hated her. I'm not. I'm not. I guess you could kind of read me that I'm not. Like, could you imagine if this was no? I bet you you just like, no, I bet you you pulled that off. But like, there's so many times I think that you think someone hates you, and they really like it's the opposite. There are so many times I meet people at meeting grades and I'm like, Wow, that guy fucking hated me. He did not want to be meeting me at all, And then he dems me later Like I was so nervous, I didn't know what to say. I had so much to say to you, and like sends me a tower of text. But now I know I know exactly who wants to say more than they can in the moment, because I get so many things that say afterwards like I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say more, and so now I know who has more to say, and I kind of look at them a little bit longer, like the floor is, like do you want to say anything? Like it's okay, but um, it was fun this weekend meeting so many did you did you ever go on a date and completely not be yourself? I mean maybe for four years everyone dates, you know, we're very similar, and I can't even believe you asked a girl out on a date, Like what was that? Like, I don't know. There was the one time where I left the restaurant. I called the restaurant after I left to ask her out. I mean that was the ever did I goes a brown hair girl that was in front there she goes, that's it's me, I go, you know, because I saw her staring at me. Right, I don't know. I just called and got a day from that. I've never done anything trying to think if I ever acted a different way. I just no, I don't think I ever. I don't think I ever tried to be totally different than myself. Like a completely like you, acting like like and strong silent type is so not you. What what is going on with you at that moment? You think that, like someone made fun of you for being too goofy or something. A girl was like, he's goofy, and so you were like, Okay, I'm going to choose the other lane. Like what made you do that? Was there a guy you were trying to emulate? Was there at the time. I think this was before I even made money in real estate. So and I just had kind of a heart attack kind of thing. So I was just kind of getting home, and uh, I was like, were you had? You had a heart attack and driving car but it was a cool car, but it wasn't. I didn't have the money for the car, so I was just driving. Disclose You act like it was yours. I didn't say it wasn't. But I'm not that guy to be like this, But you are the guy to be the strong, silent, strong silent Yeah, like Clint Eastwood, Oh my god, I would kill you. Know what you were like on that date to hear the conversation. I'm telling you, I was quiet for two hours. So did she talk a little bit and you would do one word answers? Yeah, I thought that. Yeah, And later on you ran into this scroll of years later and she was like, did you hate me? Probably ran into where you when you're drunk and a little bit more like hey, yeah, She's like I thought you were a mute. Yeah. I think I put her on a pedestal. She was very pretty, yes, And I don't know. I was very hungover though too. I think that didn't help my choices. Well, I dated someone who I thought was like I put on a huge such a pedestal. We were friends when I did this person and know what you were too, and just thought like I have to be I'm gonna I have to like I have to fix myself right away because I can't. I'm not gonna be able to earn this guy and be this guy's girlfriend if I'm not like really beautiful, really graceful, really like just yeah, And so it was. It was so daunting, it was so overwhelming, like I have to get a new wardrobe. It was just like I can't do this ship it's not gonna work. Yeah, I think we have to go to break Yeah. Uh, let's find out about it. Yeah, let's find out right after this. I'm a lonely man, but I'm strong inside. Then, but I'll speak of when he calls me madam and we're back. What did you just Oh, you mean a wax figure? You said? You asked me you're gonna have a plastic figure. Yeah? Oh, did you think I was just talking about more botox? Well kind of. I thought like maybe like a little action figure or something or something. Yeah, I take it. Wonder if anyone can make action figures of us? Um, they definitely could. People have three D printers. That's when you just throw things out here. I wonder if anyone could give me a Ferrari. You're getting a car today? Maybe I'm not going today. I'm too tired. I already said I can't go shopping for what's a lot of paperwork getting a car. I can't deal with it. I don't want to do it. I honestly, you have to take off. You have to take off four hours of work. You have to carve out an entire afternoon. I could run a marathon in the time it takes for them to facts a couple of pieces of paper to who they're just in the back, just hanging out. I think they try to make it seem longer. So when you paid a forty grand, it seems like it's more official. I don't know what. I don't know. I've ranted about this before, but what if I'm paying forty grand for something, get me in and out, treat me well, Yes, it should be like a venmold. You should go, okay, here's two initials you feel you fill out the right. I'm talking to Chris about this the other day. I was like, I can't buy I don't want to buy a car today. I don't have the time. I don't have eight hours to spare to buy a fucking car. And he said, I was trying to buy a car. Um there was some there's some football game or something that he wanted to watch, some race or something, and he went to go buy a car and the guy was like, let's do it, and he goes, I need to be done by this time. This wouldn't kickoff is And it was two hours later and the guy was like, we can't get done. He goes, okay, then you just lost a sale. It's like, what is this really? What it comes down to? If someone's a car dealer, can you fucking tell me? Why the funk this takes so long? What are you guys doing? Why does it Why is the manager never there? Why do you if I'm not financing, if I'm paying cash, why the fund does it take so long? You're fucking with us. You're trying to make it because there are some people that like things to just really they love it drawn out thing. These are the people that like to wait in line for things because they feel like if they wait in line, if they suffer for it, much like I was talking about before, then they've somehow earned it more. You know what I earned that forty dollars I stuff word for the money. I want to get my car and drive away. I don't want to sit in this stark fucking lobby and sit and talk to you about your alcoholism, because as you talk you try to relate to me, telling you me how ship faced you got last night. I don't want to look at the pictures of your stupid kids. I don't want to sit there and watch you twiddle with your tie and be all sweaty and gross. I don't want you to talk to me about some deal you made yesterday and about how your boss is so cool and he's not a safari right now shooting elephants. I don't give a fuck. I want my fucking car, and I don't want to go to another office then to talk about all the extras you can give me. Why don't you tell me about him right here in the desk we're sitting out. Why don't we to go to another office? And I don't want to add any of your I don't want you to offer me a soda. It is not interesting that you can get me a soda. Oh any soda I want? Oh you don't like I can get that myself. I'm paying forty thou dollars, probably dollars too much because everything costs way too much. Now you can't get a deal to save your fucking life. And I what is taking so long? I don't I just feel like the strong, silent type right now. God, it makes me so mad. I really am not going to buy a car because of it. I want, I'm gonna I'm gonna do that's where you buy one online and it just drives up and a guy like gives you a clipboard, you sign it, and then you pull off in guarantee a car. I guarantee your filling out. You know, it's very It's it's like they pull the car off the thing. It's that they're trying to eliminate this whole thing because it's so annoying. Why do people like to waste their time? People look so slow, They look you and what's anyone waiting in line? Why? Why are you waiting in line for anything to get in? The clubs like hammered, like when you want to eat, don't you just want to eat? I will never ever wait more than fifteen minutes for a table. And the only reason I will wait fifteen minutes for a table is because I'm with people who are okay with that, and I want to be a good guy. I want to be a good dinner partner. Otherwise I would walk away and go to somewhere else. Waiting in line just it sucks because they could get you in, but they're creating the illusion of being in demand by making you wait. Oh my god, you really just touched the nerve I was. I was. I've been to like three different St. Louis restaurants that have open tables, and they look at you in the eye and they go an hour and a half. That is about being understaffed. Don't ruin us, I guess. But here's the thing, this is the weird part. They don't have reservations. Some places actually don't have Ressi's the weird part is they go, I'm not bullishiting like four different places has happened. They go, sorry, I won't be for a minutes. Swear to god. They sit us in three minutes. So I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's going on here in St. Louis, where they're telling you forty to make you feel better. I will always side with waiters and waitresses. When my dad ever goes, well, there's a table right there, I go, well, as you've never been a waiter. You were a waiter one day and then a piece of sweat dripped off your nose and went in soup and the guy said to you, you're slipping son. No, you're slipping slim is what someone said to my dad. And you quit that day. So my dad doesn't understand what it's like to have seven tables when you can really only handle five and that's why they're open tables because they could only get four people to work that day. Gen Z doesn't want to work. We know that old stereotype. So people call in sick. You don't have enough people to have to cover the restaurant. Okay, I'll handle that. Yeah, I get that's not the way is running late. That's the kitchen. And it's not even the kitchen s fault. They're understaffed too. They took the manager, maybe set too many tables, but they couldn't handle. You know, I'm sure there's a car guy just saying all this right now to you go. And actually I think but I think it's part of their business model. I just don't understand why people are like I look outside a brunch place and people are just over hanging out in the sun waiting for a table. I'm just like, go to fucking anywhere else. Do you think they're setting it up so it seems like the demand is higher you see people outside you say thirty minutes. I think they're trying to make it. I think when they do it inten they make it seem better. When you see what do you go when you see a line where you don't know what's going on. You go, what, Yeah, it breeds curiosity. It breaths like, oh, other people like this. I'm gonna like this too. There is a part of that that like makes you go, oh this is this is popular if you're waiting in line for it. But I just like, I don't. I just hate waiting. I've realized in my life, my life is scheduled where I have no downtime, just twiddling my thumbs, being on my phone. Like, that's why I don't like getting to the airport two hours early. I just want to walk straight from the t s a right to my gate, get on the plane. We had a pilot today first, oh my god, first time pilot. We didn't know until we landed. They tell us, Well, they told us at the very end we've we landed, and he goes, this is our pilots. We just want to say that, uh, your pilot today, it is his first time flying. He didn't want me to tell you, but I'm gonna embarrass him a little bit. And I go they they didn't want to tell us until we landed. I knew going on because I've flown in enough planes where it was the first time I was ever in a plane, and I started thinking about what happens if we go down, Like I stayed calm. I just like kept my eyemask on. I was like, I can't do anything about this, but I was like, I think this plane is going to crash. I have to wrap my head around dying right now. It was the first time ever felt that way, and it's because and then as soon as they told us it was his first flight, I was like, Wow, that's all coming together. We landed like we fell out of the sky and God dropped us on his toe and he goes, fuck. Well, they go, it's gonna be uh. I love when they go it's gonna be a smooth ride. And then five minutes later like hold on for dear life, it's like and the takeoff was just like it was a little bit herky jerky. And then like a kid the first day, yes, listen, you got there's the first time for everything. It sucks. That were the guinea pigs of this guy first time. I felt bad for the guy because the pilot that told us that he was a new pilot told us that he was going to make him stand at the front so we could all say good job. When clearly we landed, So it was I fly every day of my life. It was the worst landing that's I've ever had felt. It was very I mean the wings while we were going down, it didn't bother me. It was just a hard It was just you know, like really hard, and so you know it's like it's like your bomb on stage and you got to stay after and do a meet and greet. Like that's how it felt. I felt really bad for the guy because he knew he didn't do well. It's like my first pitch, Like that kid probably flies every day, so well, he's done this a million times in preparation for this. It's his first day on the job and he fucking curves it to the right and it goes in the dirt. And now he's got to like go talk to everyone and act like he's not embarrassed about it. But that's how you get your wings. I mean there's probably something to like, Okay, you job, because it was a good job. I mean, like, you know, it's a you gotta do everything for the first time. He was he was a sweet boy. I was like, you just gotta keep getting up. No, I think I think there's something too though, like making him stand there knowing that it wasn't that good to like build. No. I think he was like, no, I wanted you guys to congratulate him. I don't think he was trying to make him feel bad. I really don't you think that pilot was trying to like haze him. Yeah, no way, no way. It was supportive. Um. But I I go on Twitter. I looked up first pilots, pilots, first flight because I thought there's gotta be people tweeting about this has happened a lot. And there was a tweet three days ago that was like, you, at some point in your life have been on a plane. It was the pilot's first day. It was some like tweet that was like and I'm like, oh my god, it was it was the airplane. Was the airplane's first day. We were on an airplane. Yeah, they're like, oh, this has any I want a plane that still has ash trays and exactly, you know those are the safer ones because they've been through it. You know. Man, I was going to say something even worse. Well, some of the planes now that crash were so computerized that the pilot couldn't take control back from those are the ones that like nose dived what yeah, no, no, no, no, I'm talking about that. No, but it is weird when you get on a plane and they have ashtrays, they have just um no, like no smoking signs, like why do we need to even hear that? Just stuff that that was these planes. But because they have such good maintenance, they last so long. That's why we can fly in planes from the seventies. They're being worked on every single day. If you did that to your car and replaced everything that needed being replaced, it would you know, it would still be working too. Acteen. I just saw the video of a guy that just lit up a cigarette he was on a plane, and it's just it's so foreign now, the fact that you know, by someone outside in a blustery field and they're smoking, and you go, fuck you, that's like idea, the rudest thing. Oh my god, can you imagine I'm playing full of fucking smoke. That's why every one looks so fucking old. From the sixties, seventies, eighties, it was just smoking constantly. I mean, I'm around a cigarette one second now and I'm like, oh god, like I'm aging. I think crazy came back a little bit too. Cigarettes. Yeah, like with like teenagers and ship like I mean, jewels trying to look cool, like there's something edgy about it with some girl. Cigarette it does help cigarette. They were all really cool and I wanted one so bad to be cool, but I just couldn't, Yeah, because I knew I was just going to leave them and be like, oh, cigarette is way cooler than give me a headache just thinking about I remember I smoked my first cigarette and my mom smoked cigarettes, and I stole one was in the bathroom. I didn't even know how to light it. Yeah, just like just like I saw someone recently and I go, wow, she used to have really good skins. Her skins like not good anymore, and I didn't know what it was. I was just like, oh, you know, smoker. And then I saw later on she's addicted to jewels, and I'm like, these jewels are not harmless. They make you look, they make you sound like this, And a lot of people go in the hospital because, yeah, you think you're you're getting something better than smoking cigarettes, which I'm sure in some way, I mean obviously, but no, you hit the thing fucking eight times more than a God, we were when we were a F boy the first time. Yeah, there was a there was a guy that um Robin witnessed, you know my hair makeup girl Robin witnessed. He was one of the f boys. And she said that he was pulling from um a vight pen and that he never took a single breath of oxygen. Every single breath he took, he would blow it out again, out again. She watched him for ten minutes and he did not smoke. He did not have one breath of fresh hackets oxygen. How fucking insane is that? It was cool he won walked through a cloud sometimes and I just out, that's my life now, that's how big. Some of the clouds were in New York City. Remember a little black box on them. Yes, they look like a little hand to help in the quarter. Very like smoke come out of those. I have no idea, but it's crazy. I literally feel like a plane that's trying to land, and it's like you don't layd until the very end. And that's how I fell inside those clouds. Oh where you're like, where's the ground? Yeah? When it's just so much like whatever. They has such a good joke about that on his special about like landing and like a really really scary flight where he literally almost died on a plane on a private jet. Um, and it's about that he landed in the pilots like we're landing and they're like, please don't and they're like, we're going to do it. And they land and he gets off the plane and there's no he's he goes, there's no other planes, it's like and he walks around and he sees like through the fog and like these like guys that are just standing there like like like to baggage handler guys being like your plane just flew fell out of the sky. Like and he goes, where's all the planes and they're like, we know one. Everyone diverted. We've diverted like a dozen planes. You're the only one. And like and then the he the joke is like but he turns to the pilot and the pilot goes, yeah, the pussy's and he's like smoking. But the bin is so funny. But it's like so um, it's all up to the pilot's discretion. I mean, like Kobe Bryant, we don't know who made the argument to like just go through the fog. But if they would have just when you see something that you go, maybe I might die doing this, but I won't. I'm always going to air on the side of I will I'm gonna do. That's the opposite of a line like the idea that you you gotta get to like a high school game, and every don't even matter what, how, what how We're going to get there. I don't give a shit about any of the costume tape. We're going, yes, like so many people just go. And that's how sometimes when we were driving on the road, I feel that way, Like when we have like a driver who's just like in a rush to get something and you're just like, I'm going to die because this guy wants to get one more uber drive under his belt or something like. It's just and then you don't want to say anything because you're like, I don't want to make it bad. But then you're like, am I gonna die because I don't want to make this guy upset? Or I don't want to be a backseat driver. It's myself dying like that where some guys driving like a fucking asshole and I'm like, hey, you know what, I'd still be falling off the cliff going I would have taken this turn. All right, let's get to the days. Man. Apparently you had a good weekend, I heard folks. Maybe he didn't so good seeing so many best needs we had all the swells. It's Monday as well. Yes, oh my god, like like I almost started crying last night when that girl was crying. It was it was something. Shout out to everyone who came and did the meeting grades and came to the shows this weekend. There were so many best seas there. We know who you are immediately. You don't even have to tell us or be wearing merch. You just get a vibe because they're so sweet. So many I got so many letters, so many gifts. Um, they give you too much ship and some of them abandon all right, so fun well. Um. One California couple's worst nightmare might be Nikki's dream come true. California couple of returns returns home from vacation but find their house filled with birds. Hundreds of swallows had invaded the home, apparently getting in through the chimney. But owner said, we opened the door and it's like an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Whoa it's like, oh, that's scary. They look like almost like hornets nest because they're like any kind of animal just swarming is really really were blinds on top that was like it's a decorative like garland that was the Christmas decorations. So there's like a window with um, you know what are those like blinds? And then at the top there it looks like there's just these hordes of swallows that look like a bunch of hornets nuts. Oh my god. Over three hours to get all the birds out of the house, which is currently uninhabitable. The furniture, carpets, and blinds were all destroyed, and the worst part is that their homeowners insurance won't cover the damage. They have an exclusion on the policy in regards to birds. They will not pay the claim. Wow, it's like your thing with the window Andrew is window bust started by those thieves and and the insurance would not cover it. A bird? Can you imagine not reading to find like it's like pigs we got you, Like, like what is this where birds? Like how are birds excluded from this? What's it? Probably says like animal infestation, like anything other than termites, like maybe the classics and there's probably like some or maybe it means it's common. It's so common that the insurance policies like, yeah, we're not coming, maybe we don't know about how is it common? How many times I've never heard this? Insurance companies know, and people that have the bird in sestations they don't talk about it. They're too ashamed. So that's so many birds, Like you ever see like birds they fly together, they fly and then they kind of like move like like like smoke like the way the same. Have you ever seen bees do that? Any kind of animal just like getting together in a group is so gross? People, yeah, even yeah people lines don't like lines. Why I'm not going back to Marti Gras, I'll oh my god. You ever see that where the bees will suddenly just like pick a you know, a car bumper and just like the corner of it, and they just thousands of them in this little patch. It's so gross, just blindly in the blind. Yes, I mean that's what Marty Gros was. Marty did you ever go to Marty Grot? Now in St. Louis, we have the second largest one. Do you really is there too? You live here? Do we really? Ye? I'll tell you what, there's nothing scarier to meet on Bourbon Street and not having control of where you're walking, like you're just getting pushed and everyone's like like yeah. My sister she once said, I for forget where we are going. There was some concerts something. She was like, I just don't want to go. I just like hate crowds and I go, brother, like, I was like, who is like I love crowd people? Really? Yes? Why do you think you're come on? You know, people like fun and they put up with the crowd, but no one likes crowding. People like a crowd. People love the energy. I guess it is the same thing of people liking lines, like people like things. I cannot under does that. Yeah, that is a bizarre s on our Instagram. I like New Year's crowds. No, but you know what Andrew said last night, like you can tell best our besties when we meet them. They're never ones that say anything creepy. They're never ones that like pitch us jokes that are like really indecent. They never try to grab me in a weird way. Besties always are just like the nicest, They're just like normal people. I don't think our listeners would like crowds. I just trust them to be cooler than that. I don't know. It is weird, Like there's just a certain type of person that comes to my show and will creably rub my back. This guy the other night just rubbing my back like this, like behind the scenes, just like trying to do something to me that I would go, Wow, that one was special. I gotta find him again. Like you can tell he's just trying to do something. I grabbed like near your near your tit, like just close enough to the tit where it's like he's kind of touching the tip, but you couldn't accuse him of the tip. Yes, yes, it was like that aana ariana Grande thing. Yeah, yeah, the preacher grabbing like they know right where to grab where. It's like you couldn't say anything because they'd be like, well, oh, I didn't know suber driver driving hitty. It's it's just it's just too much of a hassle to call it out. Yeah, but bessies never do that. They're always just they just say nice things. They they they cry sometimes and they're like embarrassed of that. I'm like, no, this is awesome. I love your emotions. Don't. But just you don't say anything dirty, You're not like I gotta tell you, I didn't love this one thing I saw you on, Like they always have to say something like you were great, But come on where something that you're not pulling down the whole time? Can you be a little bit more comfortable. I would love to see you in more, something more comfortable. On stage, you looked uncomfortable and I'm just like, because it didn't fit. Motherfucker, I ate too much last week. I am uncomfortable and now I'm even more uncomfortable because you're calling it out in front of my friends, Like I always have to say something speaking of awesome besties. Speaking of awesome besties, we had Rally send us this story that is incredible. A woman bought a sculpture at Goodwill for thirty and it was actually a missing ancient Roman bust dating back two thousand years. How the fund did that? Like not telling you how much it's worth. I didn't sell it. I'm keeping it. How much was it worth? It didn't say, I mean it's pretty much priceless. Um. The woman actually is an antique dealer, which makes me think that she probably gravitated towards this thing just from her intuition, and she bought it in twenty eighteen. It had taken years to determine the authenticity of the bust. However, after consulting a range of experts, she was able to notify the German government of the finding and made arrangement to return into the Bavarian Administration of State owned Palaces. That yeah, it's like on its way back, I think. Well. She first wanted it to be put on displaying her home state, and an agreement was eventually made to allow the sculpture to be put on exhibit at the San Antonio Museum of Art. Okay, and then it's quite alright, No, I bet it's just like, no, this is like the property of the world or something. I'm selling that evening, right, Yeah, dude, just nine thousand years. I do love when you find a good deal. I've been like looking for guitars deal you got or like a recent good deal. I'd never get good deals. I always overpay always. I've never once gotten a deal on any literally anything. I'm not kidding you. I don't. I don't like low balling people. I don't like haggling. I like giving people more than what they kind of want because people are always just trying to make enough money to just like give my kid a lunchable, and I'm like, get your kid the pizza lunchable. It's on me, Like, I just I don't like being, especially people who are like artisans, like haggling people to get I don't know what, just if you have enough money, just pay what they're asking. Stop this. But I know that's how people get rich as being you know. But I never a good deal ever. I don't think I've ever once said like, oh man, I really got paid out for this. I've never seeked it out. I've never thought I'm gonna go some and find a deal. I've never done that. My mom put the work in. The only time I've ever made money back on any investment was on accident. What was it? I bought a watch and I lost everything and I sold the watch back and it and it went up like nine hundred bucks. Yeah oh and the website, Yeah you are. But I stumbled into that that I've never gone to like go daddy and and like, let me think of fucking some names that I could give for three dollars. It's not good at investing. What about you know, have you ever invested in anything that had a good return? No? Yeah, I've seen where like the guy will like he's like I make a hundred fifty a month, and he's like, this is what I do. You see this thing that sells for two dollars at Walmart, Well it sells for four dollars here, so I make that two extra dollars. I just buy it in bulk at It's just like, what are you? This is your job? And also I don't believe you. I don't understand people that sell things on posh Mark that I buy. I'm like, you're selling the stress for seventeen dollars. You have to ship it, so like, I don't know what could you be. I guess they're making seventeen dollars, which is worth it, But like to me, I don't think I've ever shipped anything in the past five years. Going to the post office stresses me out so much. I bought a belt today. I got a belt arrived today. It was a size thirty thirty four and I went to put it around my waist and I was like, my thirty nine, Like I thought I bought a thirty. I was no, I'm just a thirty four. What you thought you were a thirty? No, I was an accident. I don't know. I know I could return it, but this goes back to the whole what do I do? Don't put it? I gotta fucking ship and then print a label. I don't have a printer. Like, returning things stresses me out. I put another hole in it. About four pairs of jeans from Good American, these jeans that they just got me one fucking Instagram at I bought four pair none of them that no, none of them that all one size. They were all too big, even though, like because it's Chloe Kardashian and they fucking try to make you feel skinnier, so they size it in a way where it's like, oh, I'm a size two, when really I'm a size fucking eight. And it's like, okay, well so you I bought all these genes that none of them fit. And I waited and waited and waited, and then the second I go, I have I hire someone to return them for me, because I'm too stressed out to do it myself. I get a text that says I just checked and it's past the time. When you can return. So I just I just spent five on jeans that probably more four pairs of jeans. They were like probably six d dollars in jeans. And just because I'm lazy I cannot buy things. I will not return them. I will not return them. What's wrong with me to think? Like someone buys jeans that are too big and and you're like, I'll I just gotta get fat now, Like I just got like part of me. I had a I had a thought, ID go, oh, just I'll just you know what, I'll just work out more and get into the thirty. I will never fit. Like for a second there, I was like I could get into a thirty. Yes, I would have to put a hole. I'd have to extend it and put a hole. Right, you have to kill a cow, stry out the hide and attach more about Do you imagine if we lived in those times where you had to like fucking it would be nice because when you've got something, you would keep it forever. You would like honor it. Oh my god, I'm sorry. Well one of the best see this weekend. I saw her and I go, oh my god, this outfits amazing, And I go, where did you get these cheans. She goes, I rent my clothes and I go rent the runway. I've been seeing these fucking on rent the runway and she goes, No, this other rent and she sent me her code. I got off my first month. I'm renting clothes from now on. I don't want to deal with any more new clothes. But that's so easy. It's there's literally we have a FedEx drop off downstairs. You just throw the ship in the bag, unwashed. They give you the label, You flip the label. That is that I can do standing in line at the post office and then having them type in the zip code. Do you want to buy insurance for this? Do you want confirmation? Do you want like packaging it? Wrapping it and bubbled? Like my mom's so good at that stuff she ships. She goes to post on us every day. She kind of like loves it. I don't understand it. I can't get it. I mean, I think an at home printer could help, right, But then you have to call them. You have to tap the label, and then they can never find tape. And if I do find the tape, that it doesn't I can't get peel it off because it's stuck in a way that it looks like it doesn't even have an end to it. Do you know what I'm saying? And then I get stressed, and then I peel off little pieces of the tape and I try to make it. It's a nightmare. I can't do it. This is my A d D. This is like my dirty locker thing. I cannot cannot return things, I cannot ship things. I'm incapable of it. It stresses me out. I feel like I'm gonna get arrested when I go there because I'm gonna be doing it. Feels like I'm going through customs. It's too the company by returning it, it's like, you know, I feel like they're going to get and go. No, we can tell your fingerprints have been on this and you have dirty vagina smelling pussy fingers or something like. They'll just be like this smells gross because it was in your room once. This was really funny too. I got dressed Jues with I got I finally got dressed. Shoes as a year old man there too slippery to walk. I don't know who's walking in these things. I can't. I literally put them on, and I felt like it was like slick shoes, like it was a prank. Oh my god, both those things on your shoes. And there's like a in the in the nineties, there was a workout thing where it would be like a a flat surface. And I don't know what to do. Take them to your class. I think what you gotta do is I think I gotta wear them outs. I gotta scuff them up. I'm gonna to a shoemaker, a cobbler and put rubber because they're probably wooden bottoms. Right, Yes, what do you do? What does shoe doesn't come wearable? Did you get a good deal on these shoes? I mean they weren't that expensive. I'm not saying the company because they haven't sent me my boots yet and it's been fucking seven days and I can't get it. They're trying to scuff them up there to give him time. You know, with videos, I love a horse getting his shoes taken off. Oh yeah, that's that's me watching wart videos. Dude. It's scraping out. It's like extracting this like stuff that is that's wart videos. You like watching those hoof videos. You're no different from me. I just go about it a different way. That is the same kind of thing. It's like hard, like like getting dirt out and all that, like whatever that crusty stuff is. Okay, we gotta go to break. Let's go back with why do I care? Why do I care? Why do I care? Joe Alwyn reveals how Taylor Swift feels about his racy scenes in conversations with friends. Really, I thought she's cool about it. He does not ever say anything about her. So this, let me guess whatever he said, no offense, I love you so much, but you scripted this. So let's hear what Taylor had to say through Joe's mouth, because there it's true. That's they both collaborate together and they come up with exactly what they're saying. Well, no, because they keep everything hard and it's a good movie. It's a great way to advertise the movie without advertising the movie. Okay, but go ahead, all right, it's he says, I mean, she's read the book and she loves the book. She knows it. He told extra. She just like couldn't be a bigger fan of the project. Okay, So nothing, he said nothing exactly. That's what they always They never say anything about their relationship. I respect it. I love it because they're just they're not doing it for publicity. If they were, they would do what ben Affleck and j Lo do and have paparazzi shoot them touring houses on the beach, like they called the paparazzi to let them know when they're we're going to take our daughter to the bat and cage like that's that's a couple that loves being in the press. Taylor Swift doesn't wants to keep this separate. Now do you think Taylor ten years from now would do something like that? Ten year Swift? You know what I mean? Do you think it's because no, no, no, no. I think she in the past, she's done stuff. I think in the past when she was less mature, she definitely was okay with like being paparazz seed, but then she really is it ruins relationships. I'm just thinking that if you're on if your career is, you know, deflating at all, you would try to do something like that, or while you're coming out. Girl does not have a hard time going away. And I know that's maybe because you're like, oh, she doesn't need to worry. She has fans a lot of times though when people are super popular, they worry they're gonna lose it, so they keep going. I mean I relate to that. I'd be scared to go away even if I was super famous, because I'd be like, they'll forget about me. She went away for a whole year. We haven't really heard from her for a really long time now, even um, she didn't go to the met gala. You know, she was invited. Like, there's something about that I really respect because I'm like, she's turning down opportunities for us to all look at her and admire her and for her name to be in the press. And yeah, her name is getting in the press because her boyfriend's doing an article. Because we will take anything we can get because she's not giving us anything. Do I think that's a tactic? No, I don't, Andrew, I don't. All right, let's get to top one, bottom one. The category today is friends. Top one, bottom one friends. Unbelievable. No, no, No, that would be fun too. Yeah, I mean I think that's everyone. That would be an interesting one. Actually we could do both. Okay, So um, let's start with your bottom friend, the worst friend you've ever had, and you don't say their name. I want to know Ross not from the show Friends is also himself to know this guy Ross Sullivan. I think his name was Ross Sullivan. He was just kid and we were kind of friendly. Ross and Claire. Yeah, that's his real name. Coming at you. Maybe we shouldn't um turn it up his last name. Make sure you just really really crystal clear. Yeah, let's get that like spatial audio for that. So we were friendly in high school. He was a year older than me. He was tall and very skinny, and I was very small at the time, and we were friendly, and I had a little bit of a big mouth for a small kid, like I was funny. Uh yeah, it was bigger. I don't know if it's bigger then it was, it's close. So yeah, my tongue was still the mouth was smaller for that sense, as in like you couldn't open I know, I wish so too. I'm trying not to say like, okay um so uh no one day you've just released. Now that you've said it, we're listening for likes, but try not to say like the rest of the episode. Let's let's all try okay um similar as uh so um we were in I can't do it whatever. So we were in the after gym or whatever. He got in my face and he was he called me like, he's like, funk your Like he went off on me, like to a bully, to an extent that you won't fucking do ship. You know, it was your friend. Initially he was my friend? Why did he turn on you? What happened? He was just mad at himself for being so skinny. I think like he was, so did you say something? Probably like just jokingly. Honestly, thinking back at the story, it was kind of out of nowhere. Maybe we're all kind of rassing each other. But I remember just sitting down. I was sitting down in the locker room and he was standing above me and he's like, you're fucking pussy. You won't do ship. Yeah, you're just gonna sit there. And I just remember it's one of those moments where I was like, how am I not fighting for myself right now? And it was like and he's calling me out and I want to fight, but I don't want to lose and like but and he was like like just went in like you fucking je fuck your mom, fuck you, like like everything. People hear it and they were like Yeah. There were like two other people in there, and I remember so they were like witnesses to me being a little bit and I was like, I know, I just remember looking down like if I just want to fuck, I gotta fight, I gotta fun. And I didn't fight. And then I remember seeing him at a party like five years later, and I was jacked then and I was like, I'm gonna fucking kill him, like I wanted to. I still like was I don't know, like I envisioned just murdering him at this party and at that point I could, you know, And what happened. My buddy talked me out of doing He's just like, dude, it's not worth it. Also, you're fighting over something that happened. It's just a weird thing. I'm friend my honor. No, I haven't talked. I've never talked. I never talked to him after that. Yeah, said times, but I stopped keeping trying. Yeah, yeah, we forgot. You know what, do you have a bad friend? Um? I don't care. Okay, so currently I don't have any bad friends, but I feel like we would not be listening someone that we were still friends with. Yeah. Yeah, so, um, this was the thing that made this person a bad friend is that I let them into my life and they slowly cannibalized all I had to offer and then they shut me out of it, meaning they became friends with all my friends. And then you know, like I made sure to invite her because she she didn't have that many friends, um, and I and I invited her along, you know, come come hang out with us, comes in in on this podcast with us, come do all these things. And then slowly I find out that, oh, you all hung out this weekend and nobody invited me. And I would always like I just had to stop being friends with her, and I did, and I told my friends. I was like, um, because we did a podcast together, and I'm like, I can't have her on the podcast anymore because I don't want anything to do with her. And she she would talk about me behind my back. I didn't even like all I was was just giving to her. In my opinion, I was there was something else, but it was, you know, she was just like the type of person that would take and take and take and take. But she had a lot of yeah, and she and she had a lot to entice my friends with, Like she had her own house, she had a car that she would drive everyone around. She had Did you ever really like her? Though? Because I feel like these a lot of these relationships. Did you did? What did you like about her? What drew you to her? In the beginning, she was very like just a naturally funny and bombastic person, just really loud. She was a big fan of radio, and I was working in radio, and she know, she loved listening to Opie and Anthony and I would tell her stories what was happening down the hall. So she just loved to hear that stuff. Yeah, and you know, and and she was just like a girl that I had never been friends with before. Um. She also had this weird, like crazy sexual side. She'd like joined this website called collar Me, and she would tell me about all these like strange interesting friend and treated like a dog. Is that what happened? Well? I feel like eventually she tried to like dominate me, you know, because it was just in my personality. You'd be the collar. I yeah, I was the bottom. She was the top. Oh my god, So glad, Yeah, what's she doing now? Like do you still you did you block her? Do you think about her? Ever? My friends stayed friends with her, which I had to accept um, and I couldn't fault them for why didn't she do it to them too? Or did she? I don't know? Or is there something wrong with you? Kidding? Yeah, there's a lot wrong with me, know it's You're the nicest. Ever I can't I can't imagine someone not being friends with you. It doesn't make sense to me. At the same token, this was like in my late twenties, and I was not emotionally intelligent at all, So I don't know. I could have been doing or saying something without even realizing it. Yes, yes, and then never have a conversation with her, never just ghosted each other and just never spoke again. I have a lot of adult friends lately who have um had girls, you know, mostly women who have girlfriends, who all they do is bitch about them. All they do is complain about these friends doing their things, taking advantage of them, stealing from them in myrriad ways, and just just being rude, being just taking and taking taking, And these people are very cunning and they're good at what they do because that's how they've gotten by in life. Is like being your friend, get like showering you with affection and then taking and taking, digging and always making things seem like it's your fault, and like I had one friend. I'm not joking. This is a real story. Her friend was staying at her house because she had found out she was like uh in it, Like she reached out to her friend because she knew her my friend was in the city even though she was like on vacation there or like staying with someone at this like awesome house, and she knew my friend was there. She just reached out randomly to be like just thinking of you. She was, what are you up to? And my friends like, oh, I'm actually in you know, San Antonio. Where where the fun she was? And she was, I'm here too, I knew she was there. Oh my god, my hotel just fell through, like all this crazy coincidences. Needs a place to stay, of course, she's so she gets my friend to let her stay at the place she's staying at because the places her boyfriends, and so my friend is able to offer a room, and so she does. And then this is not a separate occurrence. This friend stayed at my friend's place while she was out of town. A pair of shoes arrived from Zara a package, She opened the shoes and wore them. Has anyone ever heard of anything like this? And this person remained friends with her, and because she kept always this girl was so good and making it seem like she was doing nothing wrong. She didn't understand. Oh no, I didn't know that would hurt you steal from her constantly jewelry would go missing, and then she would see her friend wearing and be like, no, you lent this to meet ship like that, And it was like it just happened recently where I told her because she was talking about this friend, and I go, you gotta be done with this. I can't be I honestly can't be friends with someone who gets mistreated this way. Like I'll say something on my podcast and hopefully this girl hearst. Who's your your bottom friend? My bottom friend? I mean, I have a couple that are just too I just don't want that. I don't want them back in my life, so I don't want to talk about them on here. I have actually several that you just have to Eventually you just realize like, oh this is this friendship is not doesn't go both ways. Things are not think uh, this person or you just realize I don't think I like this person. I don't really like hanging out with them. I hang out with them at an obligation to be nice, and that's not good enough. Like it is nice for you to be nice to people that need friends, to go visit old people who are you know, stuck inside. And if someone has the ability to make friends and it's just a bad friend, never ask you about yourself. When they do, they make it about themselves. All of these things that's on them. Free yourself. It is not up to you to remain friends with that person. It took me a long time to do that. You don't have to tell this person anything. You can do what a friend did to me one time when she didn't want to be friends with me anymore and said, Babe, I just need some space right now. That is a gentle way to let someone down in a way that's like I just need space from you. And then that space can there's no time limit, so you can just that can last forever. So I've used that. That was used on me once before. And then the worst friend I ever had, though was like my uh was this girl in third grade who was like best friends with my best friend, and she convinced my best friend to like hate me and tell the class that I went to bed and called me a bit and all this stuff. And she's a third grade though. I mean that, But that was my first like they were my only friends, and then I had no friends, and then then God Curson came along. But yeah, that was and then um and then my least favorite friend from the show Friends is Phoebe and Joey because they literally buy the I don't know fifth season are If you had a friend that was that stupid, you would say they're they've an explo is to lead or they had many traumatic brain injuries. You would not remain friends with someone that was that dumb. And I just hate how dumb they are and how like they're kind of like mean and they don't really like they're just stupid all the time, and I'm like, why are you guys hanging out with these people? And also Monica sucks too, like she's always just yelling about everything and like don't don't put your back there, and Rachel, you do this. It's just like you suck. You're always like you're too O C D. Help. Maybe I don't like any of them, kar I don't mean Ross was like a little why I love Ross even though he was a whiny bit. He does like dinosaurs and Rachel was a liar. They all lie to each other. No show can exist without lies being told all the time. It sitcoms normalized lying and lying is unacceptable. Friendships relationships just don't you just don't need to lie. And like, I'm so tired of watching like quote unquote good friendships, The New Girl, any show there's just constantly lies being told. I understandingly a thirty Rock or a Veep where these characters are inherently kind of like in bad businesses where you're supposed to lie and that's what it's about. But when it's supposed to be like we love these people and we want to mimic their lives, that is not good to have them constantly lying. You can have a storyline without lies. What was your best friend? I have like for to decade, I have like a new one, you know what I mean? So like I have my middle school, my high school, pick one. And why this is tough because I have a lot of really good friends. They're all they're all like they've been nominated. There's a camera on each of them right now, waiting to hear who you're going to choose, and they're gonna all have to applaud politely. Do you remember on my Space you had like friend that was very Yeah, yes, I would have to say, yeah, that's oh man, this is tough. I would have to go with Danny Colin Trail. I don't I've never even heard that name. That's how good of a friend he is. You respect so much. Yeah, except for right now. No, he's I've told you about Danny. He's done. He's from the Irish Catholic family. He went to West Point. I've told you. I lived at his house. Maybe you're the least told you about him. We'd have sleepovers. He's the one that fucking they found. No, I actually I can't tell that story. But what do you like about him? Why is he your top friend? Well, they took me in like as a family kind of when my parents were fighting so much and they were closer to my high school, and he was like the coolest kid. He was the quarterback, he was the point guard. He actually runs an air conditioning company and is very successful and has three kids. He went to west Port, he spent two years in Afghanistan, Like yeah, he was always like way better. This is a good friend, Like he his family like took you in when you worked down and out. Yeah, and then he's like one of these friends where I call him and it's nothing but laughs. We we we catch up right, Like there's no I've never had a conversation with him where it was like awkward or anything. It's just silly and NonStop laughter. And if I needed money or if I needed like if I really needed something, it wouldn't even be a it wouldn't even I wouldn't even have to say more than three words for like there to be like a venmo coming at me, like or like you know of three of them are but you know what I mean, it's just like one of those things you just you're just it's it's just you mold so well together that it's it's not really like shot the bet on this well he funked up when he tried to you know, Ari and I are actually speaking like we were always very a little bit competitive in a good way, in a fun way about like friends. Because you go to New York, you get into the open mic world, you know what I mean, And then it's like, then you could actually get a little bit of jealousy if one gets on a show and there's that a whole that ship, and then one's hanging out with this comic one because like and yeah, there's there's competition when you're in the same industry as your friend. There tends to be that. Yeah, but I love I mean, Ari would be, he'd be you know, no, but he's up there. Top five. Yeah is amazing. Yeah, final thoughts your best friend? Who your best friend? Okay it's not best Yeah, we couldn't. So I think of like top shelf friends, which is a term that Nikki coined. Yes, um, so I have a lot of top friends. I'm going to choose my friend Monica, and it's because she came into my life when I only had like one other girlfriend. I was like in the metal scene. I was hanging out with a lot of dudes, and Monica is like this like fairy that came into my life. She was so like feminine and giggly, and she was so positive all the time, even when something bad happened. The way she would talk about it was so funny that she she taught me this is what it's like to be positive and like not mad at the world and be feminine. And we had one like really great night where we got so high and we went out and she took me to like a bar that I would never go to, and we met these guys, We got in a car with them, we got to we went to another bar. We were just like, what the fund do we do? And we just had so much fun talking about it the rest of the night. Um, and she's my top friend because she she she she kind of gave me an example of something that I wanted to aspire to be, which was a lot which a positive, less pessimist and adventurous and just like saying yes to things. Yeah, exactly, and just like being bubbly and unbeat. That's a friend that pushes you to be better. That's a great fucking friend. Fuck without the intention, Yeah, yeah, without yes, yes, just by doing just by action an example. Yeah, that's kind of like your friend Andrew, because you said that he was like the quarterback and his family was really close. To be yeah, to be better, and also to like not fucking whine about ship. He I've never heard him complain even when he was going like I've never heard him, he's never once been like is almost to a fault probably, but a really good friend. I'll say, um, Sabrina Jelise because in the tone of like what we're talking about, she was a friend that like because I was going to pick some uh I was. I was kind of thinking of people who even before they met me, they were already like my best friend. And there's a couple of people like that, like Schumer, Sabrine, and then a couple of girls that I've met through um, you know, like eating disorder recovery. But I met her in person before when we became friends. Sabrina and I became had a correspondence relationship where we became best friends through the mail and my Space. Oh, I didn't know the best friends with them before we met, like we were already best friends and we were saying best friends, you know. Yeah, And I met Sabrina my I guess it was two thousand five on my Space. She found me in a Sarah Silverman fan club on my Space and she saw my picture and like members of like the you know, you could be like a fan page, and she found me in the pictures and I had like I was holding a microphone in my picture, and she was like, who's this bitch? Because we were both young comedians. She lived in Toronto, and she clicked on my picture and then I think she sent me a message or I said, like somehow we send each other messages. Then we send each other are like demo tapes, like our like our stand up tapes, because we didn't have stand up online at that point. This was two thousand five. I was still in college. We mailed it in the mail, I know, back in the day. I don't know how I did that, but she I was just I was obsessed with her and she was so funny. We stuck on the phone all the time. She got me, She got me through really hard breakup. She would send me videos just to like make me happy and laugh, and like she would just like play songs about when I was going through the peat Lee breakup. She sent me this song that was like she had her friend play guitar and she just like rapped on this song that was so funny and just so uplifting. She would send me the care packages and she just became my best friend overnight, and um and I helped her. Her dog was attacked one day and like almost died, and we were just there for each other during like really trying times and um and then uh, and then I finally met her when um, two thousand seven, I went to the Montreal Comedy Festival and she went there to like from Toronto to go hang out. I think she was maybe doing some shows there, but I remember I got in the night before and I went to her hotel room because I didn't have one yet, and I showed up at the door and she opened the door, and I was like, and I think I said, oh my god, this is what it looks like when you talk. Like we were just both like, so I love you, and then um, yeah, it was just the best night we Like I instantly like knew her, like as soon as she opened the door, we were best friends. And it was the same for Amy too, Like Amy and I met on my Space and didn't meet until actually that same festival, Montreal Comedy Festival, because she was there too as a new Face and we met in the lobby of the Hyatt And you know, you're on the same new Face show as Amy. I know you're on the same line, like the same one. And she was already blowing up because she was on Last Coming Standing that season, but I had met her before she was on Last Coming Standing. I had been on Last Come and Standing before she had. But she made it to the top ten. I only made a top forty I think the year before her. How did you do on that show? Because forty? No? No, no no? How did you do on the JFL? Oh did not well? No? I was like antorectic. I was drunk every night. I had fainted on stage preparing to go there. I was just so nervous and I um. I had a joke at the time that was like, did you guys know that there's this website that you type in your zip code and it tells you every sexual offender in your area MySpace dot com or no match dot com. That was the joke. And Robbie Prau, who was the head of the Just for Laughs at the time, was like, we for us match dot com is not a thing here in Canada. That joke is not going to work. He was my opener. He was like, you got to say Facebook, that's it'll work for Facebook because your Facebook is like what it will work? And I was just I would not do it. I just didn't trust him. I couldn't understand how Facebook would ever be, but it does in Canada. It did. He was right, and I didn't say it, and it just set me up to like have a bad set the rest of the time. I should have trusted him. You do have to change jokes and can go to Canada, like you. They they can get some of our references. But it helps to say grade eleven instead of you know, eleventh grade. If you said Facebook and you said match and you're like on Facebook and Facebook like you try to like recover, I can see. Yeah, honestly, that would have worked if you're just honest about it. Yeah. If I would have just even come out and said, like I'm bombing and I'm too skinny and I don't know what I'm doing here, that would have I would have killed. But it was just like this awkward set. There's so much pressure. I was also in the same lineup as Kurt Metzker, Tommy John Agan, Tom Segura, Amy Scher. It was this one guy that's the most famous fucking comedian in the UK, like he is in He's worldly famous and he was at the time too. This woman that was like in her seventies or something Tom Papa was our MC because there's always like a famous comedian who does the m seeing. But it was just I mean it was it was insane. I mean that's as Julian McCullough who else was on it. Yeah, it was. This is like you're for those who don't know, just for Laps is the comedy festival in Montreal. And if you get the Montreal Comedy Festival as a new face, it's like your introduction. That's like your you know, Kin Sierra for show business. There's all these agents there and you are the fresh talent and this is your first, first like audition for the industry, and there's so much pressure for this one set that you do, and you're kind of pitted against whoever else is in your class. But my class was all these people have been doing comedy, you know, ten years longer than me, some of them, you know, five years. They were all just like so good. I was good for how long I've been doing it, But I don't even doing it two years. So that's my story. That's why it's so funny that neither like I never even knew you were that close with her. I'm not saying that because really you never heard Danny. I just I've heard you say her name in a bit, but I didn't even know you were friends with her. You were friends with her, man, that's so funny. Yeah, yeah she was. She was one of my best friends years. It would be your best friend. Well, yeah she is. She's probably top from I mean, I was just trying to think of like a friend that I had met before. It was just in the way that you were describing of like picks you up and is like we're going out, we're doing this. Like Serena is always positive, like yeah, we'll do this, We're gonna do this, let's move to New York, let's do that. Like she's just God, she's amazing. Any endeavor you have, like stand up or something that's outside the box, you need one person to push you and make you feel like it's normal to have this insane dream. Yes, because you do it on your own. I mean some people do. I don't know how like without you know, there's some people like I remember seeing Trevor Noah before he got The Daily Show, and he walked into like some shitty bar show. He went like right up wearing a leather jacket. I'm like, who the fuck. But he already had this confident because he was famous and something like. He was like floating so good, didn't need anybody. I sometimes watched these YouTube videos of him answering questions in between segments. Do you ever watch those? Yes, he's brilliant. I've never read his book. No, I didn't see I haven't seen a specials. I don't know what's wrong with the Oh. No, I didn't see the correspondent er or whatever it was. There was any special. We gotta go daily jab jabouki. Yeah. Where you watch, you're like, oh, you don't need one friend, you don't even need Yeah. They I always say to them, what what did your mom hug you or something? What's going on here? Why? Why do you like yourself so much? Okay, we gotta go. Thank you for listening to the show. Oh yeah, we gotta go listen. It's not gonna snow. It's hot as hell here. It's gonna be ninety four. Damn it, really, it's gonna be ninety sign is out the clouds beat parton your Boy beat. Shartoned when he starts parting, but never called the cops because that ship don't smell. I've never smelled. But once I ain't going to Hell, I'm gonna go Okay, don't be good and on me, Jack on me, Jack on me. Come, we're really running out.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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