The Nicky Glazer Podcast zero. Here's Nikki. Hello here I am, It's Nicki Glazer Podcast. I'm Nicki Glazer. Andrew Collin is here too. We're in St. Louis in the studio. I just realized that, um these lights. I turned them both to me on Sunday night. So right now I think it's I think it's good. I just you know, I need a little You can definitely turn it, but I just realized that we can fix it later. And you think Andrew looks a little bit shadowy in um these in this footage on YouTube, which you can see in a couple of days. UM let us know in the comments below, looks like, what's that thing that done? To see a shadow? Groundhog? Yeah? I feel like I have a lot of that energy. You do have groundhog energy? What so if you see my shadow that means winters? Wait? Why do you groundog energy? I don't know. I don't even mean to me. I guess because you're like you're like hibernating and then you come out and you're kind of like like someone has to pick you out of bed. Like there's always that fat man with the mustache, like the twisty mustache who holds him and you're just like like kind of just waking up, and you're like and then you either like see your saddow and you're like, I tend to go play golf or yeah, back to bed, Yeah, golf or bed. It's I feel like anything with a hog. Uh, I kind of have hog energy. And then if you add ground, which seems lazy, can't get on it. Though I'll get down. I could get down, I just can't get back up. And I can't get down either. I can't really. Yeah, I just gotta stay there for all winter. Apparently. How's the relationship with the cat going? Um, I would say it's better, I would say, he would disagree. Um, I have a cat named Mango. We rescued him. Thank you so much. Stop stop, seriously stop stop um stop applause. Oh right, the people at home, Yeah, please just listen to the podcast, you guys. Stop hooting and hollering and banging pots and pants. He is not a nursery and I just I just adopted him. I'm just a human, just like you guys. And he only did it because he first looked at getting a breeder dog, but it was too expensive. Now everyone's sitting down. Not everyone's sitting down. Um, the cat's good man. The cat is uh you know he Like where is he when you come back to your apartment and Bretna is not there? Like, what's he doing? He smoking? Rats, fucking treating rolling stone? You know, No, he either. He's either looking out the window. I don't know what he's looking for. He's always ready to pounce, but there's nothing to pounce. I think that's anxiety when you're ready to pounce and there's nothing to pounce. That's what the definition of anod ideas. Does Buzzy like you more than Avi? Noah? He is so good about like spreading his love equally. He's so loving. Um, he he does like Avi's beard. In the morning, He'll just come up and like head butt him, just like it's describes post to his beard. So I tell av that it probably reminds him of his mom's tongue. Oh yeah, because their top mom cat's tongues. If you do a really close up of it, it's the most disgusting thing you've ever seen. Yeah, it just looks like a hipster from Brooklyn. Have you ever seen a cat's tongue up close? Yeah, it's so little, Like little makes me sick. Yeah, anything up close is disgusting, Yeah it does. I love a cat's tongue, but like any yeah, you're right, anything up close. There was this like video of a guy putting like an apple he just gets at the store, like under a microscope, and the things that were crawling in this apple. I am an. I love apples, but I don't even want to use my phone anymore. You know, anything anything in the body and thing the skin makes me pretty nauseous. But I saw something recently and it looked like you're like your blood, your platelets or whatever, having a real big party in there. I'm not kidding. He was like, yes, it's a giant inside you. But have you ever worn your sunglasses and the light reflected in a way that it like magnified the skin around, Yes, and you could see it side. I don't see the pores, but you can see really magnified skin. Wait, you're seeing the reflection inside your like see the reflection of like this edge of your skin, like right by your eye, like this part in the glass. And it's like a very close up, Like you've never seen your skin that close? I mean, were you a microscope head back in the day, like in science class with the little glasses, like a little glass, all I want to see is like pieces of skin. I rip off my fingers and just outside like I think once I oh, man, I used to do something really weird, Like I used to rip out my hangnails and put them underneath there because I just wanted like behind the like when everyone else when I was done with my project or whatever, I just like hanging out and waiting for the slogans catch up. And I was slow in science. I was mad at it. I was so bad at time. I put um hot glue inside my wound, like my um to pull out I hang nail. I put like hot glue in it just to like torture it. I was just such a weirdo. It felt so good and bad at the same time. I love touring things. We've talked about science projects before on here. Chemistry, and what's the other one? Physics, Yeah, that's not my brain. Chemistry was not for me. Physics, I like, really it's very math heavy. For some reason, I just thought it was like very interesting about like things in perpetual motion, that they will always be in motion unless there's friction like they were just like kind of you always be emotion unless there's prison you talk about the motion in the ocean. It's how my physical that's how he demonstrated it on top of the microscope. You don't microscopes in physics. But I just like, you know, like doing this with strings and seeing like the waves and like just wavelengths. I don't know for some reason, was um just the laws of the universe are interesting to me as opposed to like h two plus oh to carry the like, like chemical reactions are not as interesting. Yeah, I don't know how I got through chemistry. You remember this that, you know it was big for a while in our childhood, the ball thing on the strings where the one ball would hit and then the very last ball. Oh that are on like Richmond's desks, and yeah, why was that? Got hug? Those are so cool. Still em fascinated by that. Actually it's pretty cool because if you did three, then three would go on the other side. I don't know how. Oh, yeah, that was cool. Don't shoot the messengers. A very very angry, dased and confused thing going on right now, like a modern day days and confused really because I have like baggy like Janko Tina pants On. I think if you, if you, if you google a photo of Dasing confused, I think Nicky's nailing it right now. Is it amused? But abused? Is better? Sorry? No, I like it better. This is a Wilco shirt. I got my parents a huge box. Hold on, I'm gonna I'm gonna share that you've never seen Dasing reviews. I don't think so. It was just just after that was just a little too young for it, you know, Empire Records. I saw what was your high school movie that you would watch with your friends and go, I'm that girl now and then but that was kids and you know, can't hardly wait and um uh wait you thought you were those kids? Well that blonde chick, Yeah that is acused. Look, yeah, who's in that? Matthew McConaughey, Is that the one that's like they keep getting older and we get younger or whatever it is? Is that it? No, that's Ridge High, that's it. That's it. The line from Matthew McConaughey is they keep getting keep we say the same age. No, the cool thing is we keep getting older and stayed the same age, which is the most pedified writer, and no, she's not the girl from Chasing Amy's in it with the high voice. Then yeah, okay, where does she go out of her voice? Yeah, she did not stay the same age, So she got older, but her voice stayed the same age. I have such a good time on stage when I do an impression of Elizabeth Holmes from the dropout or like you know, from when I do this, like there was a part of me the other night that wanted to do my whole set like this. You think people would lose it. No, people would, I think be very fascinated because that is how she got like that was one of her tactics to get men to like her. I feel like any instructional part of your set, you could go into that, into this because it feels very ted talk like I would learn from that voice. Yeah, because my point is that men tune out when a woman. Do you think she would have ever had any success? And can you imagine her being like I have this idea for this blood machine that is in every Walgreens where you don't have to like prick your finger, and I'm really like, I think it's going to be so good. Can you give me a billion dollars as opposed to idea like it's just funny. You have to dress for that voice too, Like she couldn't wear like a low blouse and then be like, hey you want maybe she could maybe have low blouse. Always my theory is that she was like I can't to you know, she's a smart woman and was like, I can't lead with sexuality, Like that's not gonna be my strong suit to get men to listen to me. What else do I do? I think it depends on them. Depends what you're selling, right, Like if you're at like like if you're trying, if you're trying to be sexual, this is your voice, like any of you your tips? Why doesn't sexual work with blood plate list? But she wasn't a sexy person, like she just went into the other she got more masculine. I do like the idea of like taking someone like a young Sidney Crawford and having her as the spokesperson for like Jean replicate whatever the funk they were doing it there, you know what I mean? Like I guess, yeah, I don't know where the cut off of just being pretty cells, you know what I mean? Like, Yeah, I do think though that she's I mean that was a like people know that was an affected voice. Yeah, she was trying to when she's not selling that sound. Yeah, there's there's, there's uh and it's almost like Ilaria like those people that are like I knew her back in the day she was Hillary because Elizabeth Holmes did not talk like that kind of thing. Um, the MET Gala is so stupid. I woke up so fucking angry today. I hate the MET Gala. I get I always see one of your of your story. No, I was um because I was looking up news stories for why do I care? And that's all that there are, and I was like, I wonder if Nikki would ever go to the mind anyone? Does anyone know what it is? I googled it the Guild or what is it? You're glided age? I think it was glided. I know you're gonna tell me I'm dark, but I am. This could be a hair jealousy moment. But it's something like Anna win toward. It's like a part of like a museum thing. It was like a part of the Guggenheim. But like, why don't we know, like what what the funk is this thing? And who the fun here. Guess what, you know what? The oscars are only entertaining because they're comedians. They're making fun of it. Celebrities on their own are boring. I'm so everyone on the red carpet looks piste off. No one smiles, everyone looks uncomfortable. I just hate it. Yes, I would go on a second, you can't wait to be invited, and all of the things that I ever posted will come back on me. But I'm telling you this right now. I would go, yes, you get the call tomorrow. I would go, what do you wear this? No, I mean I would have Stilace dressed me in something that I'm deeply uncomfortable in that is supposed to represent this theme that you would say something about our world. It's so stupid. You want to do like you knowing you know what's done for anyone who's not in fashion. People in fashion have at it. It means something to them. Celebrities, it's just celebrity worship, these people who do nothing. I'm just tired of talentless celebrities. You know what I'd wear. I'd wear anything I could find out a gas station in the Midwest. That's what I would. By the way, where a hat that says like people have tried to do that before. That's like every joke has been done. You know, Stone dressed is like j Lo for the Oscars. It's been mocked before. It's it's just dumb, and it's everywhere. It's it's everywhere, And I'm you know what, I'm glad celebrities still have something because no one gives a funk anymore. No one's watching the Oscars, no one the Golden Globes are on Twitter. Let him have it, because like Hollywood is dying, no one really worships these people anymore. It's more about like YouTube celebrities, TikTok celebrities. Let them have it so they feel special. But it's disgusting and there's so much waste all these dresses. I go, where was that? Even? What are you gonna do with that? Each dress? They give twenty other dresses to Africa the exact. I'm so mad about it. But I'm just tired of like obviously Lizzo has talent, Amy Schumer has talent, Um Dods and not so much, right, I just models. I'm just over it. I'm over worshiping model. I mean, they're beautiful and there is something of like it's like a piece of art where you go or like a landscape. You know, the landscape didn't do anything to earn its beauty and so that doesn't negate that's marvel at it, yes, but worshiping it like it did something like it like is oh my god, you're a queen. No no more queens about like I'm tired of like, oh my god, I love like like your your to die for, just like these people that you're like, I'm such a fan of, like young girls being fans of these women who just all they do is care about what they look like. And I'm just projecting because I just feel like people to no, no, not at this point in my life, not at all, but in the past. Like it's like, I'm so furious about the Kim Gardashian thing. I can't I don't even want to talk about it because it's so she is so I feel for her because she felt the need to start of herself to fit in that stupid dress, and then she feels the need to it's embarrassing to even watch her in motion. She only was that dress. It was an authentic Marilyn Monroe dress from when she's saying, um JFK, Happy Birthday match and square Garden like the sixties. She wore just yes, she did not glide in that dress. She only she had to go take a ship and it was dripping down her legs, you know when you're like, oh god, please, I felt bad for Pete having a carrier. So she just wore it for that moment for the Red carpet, and then she changed into a replica and the museum took it back. It was like like, yeah, that remember the year she wore like a burka, a hot burka, had her face covered and everything. Yeah, that was when Cone was like losing you can you take it? Take it down a notch? Yeah? Yeah, it was. Um, I'm just like it's gross. I understand celebrities do these things crash diets to fit in things two to make it work, and they they have these weird regiments that they adhere. To shut up about it, You're not if I'm triggered by it. Someone who like does not have uh knows that crash diets don't work. That I'm like done a ton of work on myself to not let these kind of like outside influences affect what how I eat and how I treat my body. What is anyone else who hasn't done that work that is susceptible to it? I gonna think when Kim Gardashian says, and I'm sure there's someone listening to podcast that goes, wait, what did she do? What she do to lose sixteen pounds in three weeks? Well, I'll tell you what she did. She starved herself and guess what she in one of the articles, it says and then she binged on pizza and fucking whatever with Pete. It's all it's all gonna come back, and it's gonna come she's going to gain even more. Keep it to yourself, because so UFC fighters will walk around pounds and then they'll fight at one because it gives them a leg up because they're naturally and naturally a bigger person, and so after their fight, it's always like, and then every guy I know wrestling has an eating disorder. Everyone I know that has avery wrestling that doesn't even wrestle anymore but still struggling with an eating disorder, and it's well, it's it just it just sucks. I just know the damage that her being public about that diet is going to do to the women in our culture, mostly women, also men, And it's like it really is a good job for eating disorder recovery centers. They are going to make thousands of dollars off of Kim Gardashian because of all the people that are going to be sent to her center because they get eating disorders get kicked off with this. Like I just eat tomatoes for three weeks and really clean vegetables and no sugar, and I work, I wear a sweat suit and a sauna. What does that sound like a good life? By the way, I would never want to be around with someone who was doing this. I bet she was such a fucking bitch for three weeks. When you're hungry and doing this, you're miserable. God, why can't people just live their lives. I'm just so I thought we were beyond this diet culture. Things they don't have like a like a drug or some something for after you fall apart with the eating disorder, Like on surprised the Kardashians, Hey, do you want to rebound from your eating disorder? Like they're not. How far away are they from that? That's that's not even like a crazy thing. That they would have like like kind of like stuff you drink after you, um, like recovery juice, like in the morning after you like after you start yourself for three weeks and like and you're about to die there like two week got the perfect thing for you to get here's a way to get your electrolytes and you're potassium back so you don't fucking collapse in church. Yeah, they don't give a funk. They're they're very greedy people. Man. It's when they have a billion dollars, you don't have to keep doing it. I bet anything she has some money and tomatoes, because she was like all I ate was tomatoes. I'm like, I bet they have like a new Kardashian tomato coming out. Let's take a break and come back with the news right after this. Andrew, I'm chi down, down, and we are back. Andrew is now in the light. Um, I'm on the Kelly Clarkson Show today. Tune into that pre recorded then. Obviously that was to say that, but I'm not saying you're not calling in no, no, no, I was on it with Dr phil Ville. We became friends on that. Um. The pictures came out from it I'm putting one. I put some on my fucking Instagram and uh, bad, bad pictures. It's a very thin line between Elizabeth Holmes and Dr Phil. Yeah, this is he daughter Phil. Wait, hold on, um, doctor Phil, I have an idea for a blood machine. Now, how how's that working for you? Wait? I don't. I don't. I can't like get into it. I'm not a good you're not a good doctor, fail impressionist like switch in. Yeah, that's hard. It's really hard, especially very similar. Yeah, like if it's parents Hill and elizabeth homes, you can do it. Yeah like that that's like, oh my god, Like blood is like so gross, telling me on on whatever Elizabeth's homes are selling. Wait, like that's wait, it's more like like baby, Like, um, I just don't like blood. I think of pricking my finger and it's just like not hot. And so I'm like trying to come up with a solution. And like Walgreen's like a really great place. She kind of like goes low sometimes. I honestly fun to go in there and like just go to this machine that you just like bring your blood in and like tell is you like what's wrong with you? And it's just going to be really hot and it's going to be pink, and people to be like slipping slipping on the blessed living. Yeah, I want them to be slipping on the black. I I was thinking, what was I just? Oh blood? If a guy with period sex? Can we talk about that for one second? Do you think? I don't think we're gonna ever talk about something for just one second? But yes, we're talking about this for three seconds. The three segments periods, how long is a period? Last? Don't do this? You answered that question for me a week five days? There you go three to five, three to six, and the heaviest blood flowed days. I'm not trying to gross anyone out, but just do you think do you want to have sex on the heaviest flow sometimes because you just you get really horny, goes your hormones and sometimes you want to plunge it out and you're already sucking what it's true too? Why I'm just I'm kind of well, I had it yesterday and I'm in for it. I get in on it. I'm in on period sex, I'm all. But sometimes the flow can be it's like it's hardy to look like a dexter scene, and then I'm just like, Okay, you can't expect me to like be into this when it looks like so bloody. Yeah, it's like I mean, if I was more into it, it'd be kind of weird. I think, Yeah, but don't look down. Off. It's so funny because that was said to me and I immediately looked down, and I was dexter would be having a field day right now. Yeah. It's like a you're on a shaky bridge, don't look down, just walk, keep keep going yea. And I was in the dark. Yeah, and then the aftermath you just go clean up and like you can have your little moment of like yikes, but after that you're already you already came and so you're okay, want anyone to feel bad about this, but it's just my my my tolerance. It's like if I was in a doctor's example was during the day during and don't look down, but it's so fun to look down. That's like going on a roller coaster and not looking down. I never looked out. I never looked down. Why you don't want to see it ever entered like sometimes but I'd rather like focus, no, because then I just start looking at my body and I start going like, oh, I look like I get to women just think so much during sex, at least I do. I'm like, there's too many things to distract me. I really have to be amy used to have a joke about like having an orgasm, you have to like close your eyes and have like the kind of focus and like clear mindedness of like a woman on a balance, like a gymnast on a balanced beam. Like you have to have such I have to like get out all everything sensory so that I could focus just on that area to like let it in, because my mind is just so like so racing. That's why I like fanes, That's why I like blindfolds, or I like closing my eyes and I like, um, you know a role place scenario where I can where it's required of me to get out of my own head and like be a character. Or but it's there is times during sex where I I really I try to just focus on my vagina, like my brain is down there, just because I just feel like sometimes I'm feeling all over my body and so it gets like if something's poking me here, it doesn't feel as bad as if I'm just focusing on this on my knee right now, when I tap it, like it feels so much more than if I'm just like totally aware of everything I do that exact same thing I do look down, I'll look down, get like, holy sh it, I can't believe this is happening because I'm so stoked because it's you're so high up. Yeah, but I I I'm so like stoked on it. And then I go back to centrally like to just my brain. But I do still need to taste of look maybe try looking down. I looked down before. Yeah, I just like don't. Um, I do like it. I know that I know individuals, but like right now with my body, I do not want to look down. I just can't. Like, I just there's always like a spray t hand situation that's really like grim like I just I just don't want to look down, and it's usually in the dark, like I do a lot of dark stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, anyhow, but yeah, I like looking at them, but and I'm yeah, I just don't. It would be weird to look down as much. I don't know why. Maybe you could look up, have a mirror on the roof to look down no, maybe that would help. No, I think too much. I'll start judging myself. It's like watching myself on TV. I just don't want to do it. I'm doing them Wendy Williams Show Today via Zoom with Michael Rappaport And yeah, it'll be fine. I love him so much. When will that name finally change? You know what I mean? Because he like, is she gone? I mean she I think she's dead? No, no, she I think she was at the met Galla. She will she was dead there. I heard that was the theme. That was the anyways, she actually had that freaking panic attack on TV. That was wild. She did. She says, the weirdest thing. Never know what, dude, It's insane. It was. It looks like she malfunctioned, like a robot malfunction. Oh I don't. But ever than that, I mean not that I don't feel well. I guess I did. She says, the weirdest thing. I feel like sometimes she almost try she broke out. I think, really a little bit fainted. Oh say that I didn't care or I didn't feel bad for her. I feel bad for her. She's definitely mentally different. Yeah, oh my god, she said my one thing clip will never forget. And she was like, my mom was daed but she said that her mom died and it was just the weird. There was this like moment where she's just talking about something so dumb, and then she was like, and I wore the shirt because my mom this weekend was died. It was just so weird. I feel like, is it live? No, it's not live then, so then why wouldn't they change because that's wouldn't her appeal? I guess that is an appeal. Yeah, I guess that's kind of my appeal. Not I think about it, I had the same exact appeal as Wendy Williams. I said was died, but it was so funny, like if you like stroked out. And then I just kept posting the show under your name forever and I'm just like, no, this is every day the Nicki Glazer Podcast with Andrew Yeah, I don't even when stay. Yeah, Emil is writing on the show right now. What it used to say? Anything you want me to tell rapport to ask about or bring up so fun wash were in studio, Um, what do you guys think the show? Obviously, well that's what maybe you throwing out the first pitch. Yeah, they're gonna ask me about that, but I'm trying to think of, like what's funny about that that I cried afterwards? Yeah, we never talked about it. Everybody was looking for the video. There's no video of you during the first pitch. How did that go? It was terrible? Yeah, it was like really yeah, because everyone because I was I was better, I could have done better, and then um, because I had pitched a lot before and it was like way better, and then I didn't get to warm up at all. Those are excuses, but it was just um, and then everyone couldn't even say good job afterwards. It was one of those things that's just like I'm still got lying. You just don't take it in from me. Yeah. Yeah, it wasn't that bad. I'm telling you, and I know it wasn't like terrible, but it just wasn't good. And it was like and then one person wrote me and was like, oh, you could have been on this list and it was like the worst people, the worst pitches, and I blocked him. I just go by, no, no, you don't get to talk to me, like a year. No, he writes me, swapped and like he's just someone in St. Louis that I was like kind enough to be like, oh, I'll let you text me even though you don't really you should you shouldn't have my number, and I was just being nice and then I just go, you lost your privileges? No more text blocked Like I don't, I don't insult me. I just can't stand it. People that write me and just like think that, just no, you don't have a right to be able to reach out to me just so you can be an asshole, especially your personal number. Yeah, it was just I am done saying yes to physical things. Dot. No more. I'm not doing anything. I'm not going on celebrity ninja. Whatever the fuck. I'm not throwing out first pitches. I mean, did I say this yesterday? Um, people don't do first I looked for any other celebrities first pitch. The only ones you know, no one does it. There's no Jerry Seinfeld first pitch is so Dave Chaffel first first pitch. There's you know why, because it's embarrassing if you don't do a good job. They've definitely been asked. It's not like they haven't. I did it because I am brave and I am willing to look stupid. Comedians don't like looking stupid unless it's on their terms, and that is why it was so deeply uncomfortable for me. But that's why comedians don't do fucking anything vulnerable where they might look stupid and they're not in control. None of them do it, none of them. So I'm not going to take any fucking uh fly ac for being bad at pitching or being bad at singing or whatever, because none. No comedians ever do anything outside of their comfort zone ever. Unless they are in control of being like I look stupid, then they can do it. But if it's out of your control, they never do it. Because I really thought about that, I'm like, I know Jerry Seinfeld is that he's a Metsky, right, I'm sure he's probably millions. Never would you do it? Never because he would look stupid? And you know what, He's right, because it felt awful, Because every fucking guy who cares about sports is like, that's their fucking jerk off moment of like I wish I could do it, and they secretly go, God, if I did it, I would be so much better, and then they look at you with pity and it just sucks, and I'm never doing it again, even though I'm so grateful that I got to do it and got asked because it was very it was an honor, but it was humiliating and I cried a lot afterwards, but I couldn't cry until hours and hours after because I had to do so many other things in the stadium, like more press interviews. So I'm just like holding in these embarrassed tears of like, I ate this, I'm embarrassed. I didn't want to do it in the first place. I said yes because I wanted to be guys and like all of those, don't you hate when you need to and you can't like a like a baseball player that like like this guy named Bill Buckner. I don't know if you know that story, but like he he he was a first baseman for the Red Sox and he like really fucked up. It was a routine groundball that he ruined and he missed it and for his whole career he batted like two eight seven. Yeah, that's no control. In that moment, it was totally not in his control. And comedians like people that are good like it's like you'll be remembered that forever. I just love that that you're like you're on par with how much they probably cried from just one pitch. One cry maybe needed to cry for me being really embarrassed and having people be embarrassed on my behalf is It wasn't that I was embarrassed. I don't care that I threw a bad pitch, Like why why would I threw a good one? Like that doesn't make it that would be nonsensical if I did. It was the embarrassment on behalf of like my family and like friends and everyone just secretly going like I bet I could do better than her. Why did she get asked and feeling like god just because she's a comedian like man I I got man if. I like, just secretly thinking they deserve it, and I'm like, I agree. I didn't want to do this. Sometimes you get asked to do things and if you turn them down, you see ungrateful and uncool and you just have to do it. Just like when I went out and threw T shirts with the fucking slingshot with all the hot Cardinals girls and I couldn't work the sling shot and I looked stupid again on top of looking stupid, after the first pitch. It was hell. But I I did have a really good time doing everything else, doing a comedy bit, doing um an interview, doing like in your defense you you went to sixty ft. Most people throw from like two ft away if I could have because from fort you had a great pitch. It was the sixty feet That's why it bounced and killed that Wendy Williams was died. Okay, let's get to the new First. I'm in a mood. Did that yeard it there? First? It's Tuesday, folks. You know what that means. It is Tuesday. We're having all the swells, you know. Just uh, if you gotta cry, you gotta cry. It's all right, that felt good. I'd rarely cry, you know what. Also, if you throw out a bad pitch, man, I need to cry right now so bad. Oh god, I am like throw something at me that's not gonna make me cry being humiliated. I don't know that you're too critical of yourself, Dick, But you just confirmed it because you secretly thought it too. No, I didn't maybe a little. Yeah, anyway, what's the news? Noah? All right, Well, here's someone who is probably crying. A video of a city worker in her underwear getting a massage in a conference room in front of employees prompts an investigation. Wait, why would she do this? The video shows the health officer wearing only a bron panties as a woman uses a massage device to treat the health officers shoulders, arms, back, legs, and stomach for cellulite reduction. And it was recorded in the in the city Department of Health and Human Services in the office, so like in front of her employees. Yes, she just hired someone I guess to do the treatment in a conference room and someone taped it and um, you know, gave it to like investigators or what ever. That woman I thought she was doing like a medical procedure and she probably was like no, but she definitely was unclothed and just probably thought like she's she's definitely felt like she was the boss that day, like the boss was out or something like to have that kind of part of me. She probably gets paid to stay at the office, like you can't take an hour off, Like there's more to it of like why would you stay at the office to do this, you know what I mean? Convenience or just like she probably wanted the money right from not leaving the office. Maybe well, um, I don't know. She she didn't comment. Um Like in the article, they did reach out for comments, she didn't say anything. But the investigators are looking into, um, if the employees were forced to sit there, or um, if they raised an issue where they retaliated against. But this made me wonder if in all your experiences working in all these different places, have you seen anything egregious happened in an office You could talk about office, yeah, like that in a professional setting where you go no, I mean, I will say that in a comedian press professional sending, all bets are off like there's tons of nudity. There's like I'm doing quick changes and stuff like the other day Matt walked in and I was, um, uh my tour manager, Matt walked in when I was changing and the door was I just I don't care about people seeing me nude. But that doesn't mean that, like I have to be more aware of like other people feeling awkward. But um, and I didn't mean for him to see me. I really didn't. And but then I was just like Matt, I don't I like looked so like unsexual that I was just like, and he was so embarrassed, So I that felt bad to me. But it wasn't cool though, when you're like, I'm not gonna pay you if you say anything, yeah, and if you don't, just like give me a look like you like you're screenshotting this jerk offs you later, Yeah, yeah, that wasn't me that you will you know, I made a joke. This is a ham dra between me and Andrew. But I go, I'm not worried about you seeing me a kid because I have a spray tan and I know you like at milky Oh yeah, someone likes yeah milky, milky skin. And by the way, if you're using milky to describe a woman that you like, stop milky. Oh god. We both just were like because it was said in a way that he was Sometimes people say things like like it's just gonna pass, Like that can't pass. You can't just go she had milky skin. I get it. Like I felt triggered because as a woman who like covers up her white skin, I was like, God, if I had milky skin, I wouldn't need to do this, but mine's like a translucent Yeah, you kind of turn your milkies into you who kind of yeah orange, Hey, hey, mom, you got any more? Who's passing up cola for sunny D? Wasn't it wasn't that one thing that was in the frigerator. When the kids were looking for sunny D, they're like soda stuffy. Remember sunny D as a when you get a star and an orange juice? That was a big orange juice like family. We were good and big into the pulp tropicana, but sunny D was just this watered town tasted like chemicals that aftertaste, I can taste it right now, yuck. I never wanted orange juice in cold weather. Did you ever see anything inappropriate when you worked in offices? Right? Just for me? Oh yeah? What about the time that you were looking at your own body in my green room and you took up your shirt while we were you're supposed to be on set in the control room. That wasn't a good moment for anybody. That wasn't. But that was that was that was someone broke in to seem like no one broke in. We were going to set for the finale episode in My and I at this time, we're going to set, so I'm going to places we are in our my green room is in the house that we are for perfect strangers too, that we're shooting it, and so everyone to go from the my green room to where Andrew needed to be for the shoot, he would have to cross through the shot where I am being like where I'm on camera, So he you need to cross that way before we start taping. Andrew is plans because he was like working out and feeling himself. He's we go to set. This is the last episode, is the biggest. Yes, it's important because I know that's important. Though no it's not me. I'm telling you it's important. So you go to sell and this is the last episode. This is all. This is the biggest episode. And Andrew, uh, I find out later, stays behind just like kind of like lingers behind to stay in the green room. It's like I was stealing money from you. So he can take off his shirt and look at his body in the mirror. I never got that mirror the whole year. You get the mirror because I am saw the show. That's like being like, why don't I get to go on your computer. I'm the boss. You you're the that's not your job to be on the computer. It doesn't make sense that you're like and it's like, know what doesn't get Andrew to run to see my body in the perfect mirror and lighting. Yes, so he took his shirt off. He was a writer on the show everyone, but I was alone. I wasn't doing it like for it anyway, and he was got to be. Andrew still had a job to do, in fact, a very important job to do, which is go to the control room where he is so he watch me do my job and help me when he knows, so he stays behind. Not only does he get stuck down there because when we start rolling so he can't he now can't go to the and now we have a long shoot where he's not present in the but then he gets caught. We would have never known about this, by the way, because after the shoot, we're all saying goodbye everyone. It's the last day. We're hanging out downstairs and the p a, this pa comes up to me to say something, having me sign a document or something. And Andrew starts like giggling nervously, and it's like he saw me, he saw Oh God, Like you're just starking so nervous, and then you admit that this p a came back downstairs to get my water botty that I had left, and he walks into a green room that he thinks he is empty, and he sees Andrew shirtless should be empty. And I don't even know I'm suht lives, but I had a I don't know why. I had a feeling I might get caught. So I was ready, So I had the shirt actually like just over like I was. I was like, I wasn't cleo about it at all, Like I could have just I'm a guy, I could be shirtless. Like it's not writer. You are a writer. No one would mistake you for talent on that show, no offense you are. We know who the talent is at that point. There's only like a couple of people at that point. No, no, no, only a couple of people after that point. Everyone else had God, we know who those players are. It wasn't you, there was There would be no reason for you to be sles. I have a question. It was so funny. Oh my god, I was so shrieked. Yeah, I could have played it cool. I could have played it cool. He regrets. Andrew would deliver again. I would have been in better shape and had a better mirror. That would have been cool. I've never been caught doing something that out of place because but you but here's the thing, and I know I'm just kind of kidderstand what I'm kind of kidding about the idea of like you get to look at the mirror all the time, but like I don't. I just was like feeling myself that day and work. Yeah, you were a writer, that is That's all I get it. I get wanting to see yourself you look good, Like I get all that you were at work and it was the last day. And just don't get investing investigators. Okay, don't you think there was probably a team of people that like work for like like stockbrokers and they're called invest to Gators and there's like an alligator as their symbol. No, but that's what I like that. That's could be Florida. I'll tell Rusty about that. All right, let's take a quick break and come back with news. Yeah, we did one story. What story do we even do? The massage person? Which lendono? Yeah? Can we just get through it so fast? Now? We will be back with with why do I Care? That's alright, we're back Why do I Care? Uh, well, it'll be funny to address at the Mega as a fashion egg. That's a good idea. I think people dresses an egg there. Lady gotta get born from an egg like in some award show. So why don't we just go to redd a dump because we kind of already talked about my Why do I care Calory? Is there anything about them, like any other story out of it? I just wanted to bring up Pete kids skipping the party go and going to the hotel to have pizza and donuts, but I didn't see exact pizza and donuts. No. Yeah, they went on a bench and she is feeling like ship today. Okay, But I didn't want to be from that perspective. I just thought like, oh, it's, you know, so nice having a boyfriend to like have to skip all those parties where everyone has to dress all that there. I'm happy for them, and I think they're cute, but like, I just that that kind of like diet. That's why diets don't work it, y'all, there will the pendulum will always swing to the other side. You will always let go. Like that's why I'm moderation. You can lose weight and be a comfortable weight if you just take it easy and don't do anything extreme, because you will always binge on donnut some pizza with your boyfriend. And I bet today she's like, I'm getting weight and then she has to go on a treadmill for five hours. It's just like it never fucking ends. Read it dump. This is your redit, dumb all right, let's get to reddit, dumb dum. Oh my god. I just pulled up my Reddit and it's like I was googling bunions last night. My feet were hurting and so I was like just wanting to see But do you think I don't know. No, I'm just letting you know now. I would never get it, and I don't want to kiel my bunions. I just want to hurt them. I'm such I don't know what's wrong with me. I have had a lot of people say that I can come um shadow them for war stuff, so gross, I know I'm su'll file that fucking bunion down. Um, Okay, you can't file it. I just want someone to write my tool off. Okay, So this is from black people Twitter, which is just like, there's no it's just people on Twitter who happened to be black and it has nothing to do with being black. Really A lot of times, so one said, um, this is from kwamie a do be re underscore it's a tweet. I don't know how how I don't know how do people write consistently with the same handwriting. I have like two to three different handwritings depending on pen's mood and situation. That's my signature is never the same. Oh really that that's is consistent for me. Mine's all over the place right, like Dave, it's so bad. I'm just my brain is just bad. Like if you if I wrote down myself, I'll do it for the for I'll write it five times. You ever practice it like you were going to be famous? That's a sad part. Yeah, like oh, it's going to sign a baseball one day that you threw. Do you have a favorite plan of pen? Yes? What's your favorite pen? I just bought it from Amazon? Um uh, black felt tip o. Don't No, I got it from Target. I'll go get it. How's your signature? Noah, it just looks like chicken scratch. Like my handwriting, there's only one kind of pin where I have clean handwriting. I think, I guess whoever has a perfect penmanship on their own name practiced a lot for thinking they'd be somebody. I used to practice mine all the time. When I get asked to sign like stacks of posters sometimes at clubs, I'm always They're always go, so sorry, and I go, this is my dream. Yeah, this is my fucking dream. The signature used to mean so much more back in the day, like even just ten years ago. This is papermatee flair felt tip the Oh that's a good pen It's so good. And I like writing. I like journaling with these I do yeah in my journals, though I write in a way that you can't really read it. Only I could read it maybe like some like you know, handwriting it out like no, it's not it's not, is um that? But I also got oh my god, corn removers, but I don't need to because I did surgery on my corn last night in the middle of the night. Is your handwriting for when it's nice it's just for someone else, But for yourself you don't care. No, my handwriting actually looks nicer when it's for myself. But you said no one can read it. Well, it's like a version of my nicest handwriting that I can't read like it's very like small and very low to the ground. Handwriting is so much more personal than penmanship. It's not great. It always looks it looks like kind of juvenile. Well I'm a lefty, so everything's at an angle. You know that they didn't build paper for us. I love writing. I love watching people write things though, Like that is a very soothing thing. The sound of chalk, the sound of um I've talked about before. A clipboard with like a freshly sharpened pencil on a board with a thin piece of paper, that is so But the worst is a dull pencil with it or the lead. It's like almost scratching it the lead and like it's and the metal is sharp like a little bit. Now we don't even want to go there. Okay. This is from the sub breddit to me in real life, for me in real life. Um it says it's a meme that says my therapist excessive sleeping is a sign of depression. Me. Can't mistake e if not awakey's cute anything in a rhyme. Um. Then there was this tweet from thanks I hate it t T I h I. This is just things that people are like, Oh God, that makes me think about things in a different way. I hate it. You know. This is a tweet from Melvin of York. It's funny how we say a bug hit my windshield when we are the ones going seventy miles per hour. I'll but the bugs family described it differently. It's a nice little perspective there. I saw that on your Instagram. That was good, so fun. Oh yeah, yeah, it's the bugs fault. Yeah. Have you ever heard animal or dear? But yeah, Well I was going to say, um, last spring, like almost like around this time of year in Tucson, it was my first time here, and all these beautiful butterflies started appearing, these beautiful yellow butterflies, and I was driving on the road just like admiring. It was just like just like a cascade of them, a bunch. And then I realized that I was just plowing through them with my car, and like, this beautiful story just became so morbid. Yes, I love hearing the same. Plowing through like sounds so aggressive. I plowed through like nine butterflies, Like it's such a light animal to plow through. It's hard to like the butterfly dude, I get scared of that. Like sometimes a deer one end up, you know what I mean? Breaking in happens all the time, like especially out in the Hampton's when not to brag, you know, my brother hass like stabbing through and then like that's how people die like that. Know, Um, you're supposed to not hit your brakes. You're supposed to speed up. Isn't that crazy? You know why? Um? No, because when you hit your brakes, your car gets lower, so then it could get on the windshield easier and then end up in the windshield. Oh my god. I used to be so scared of my parents hitting deers, like obsessed with it that I bought I went to restoration Hardware because they were selling As a kid, they were selling these little horns that you put on your car and when the wind blows through them, they make the sound that make deer go like no, like it's a place fergy. Oh I thought you meant like I was envisioning you putting deer horns like yours, like a sound like that when the wind whistles through this, like whistle on your car, the deer go like no, no, no no, they don't like it. In you. Um. This is from suspiciously specific. This is when like something is just like wow, you you seem to be saying something that is for everyone, but this is this one really made me laugh. Genie. Okay, so it's from a guy named um Chump string on or on Twitter. Um, it's a conversation between a genie and a person. Genie, you have three wishes. This guy says, make make fireman ugly. The genie says, you got it. Then he says, instead of sliding down a pole, make them climb out of a well. The genie says okay. He says, take the big ladder off their truck, and then the genie goes, dude, what's your problem. It's like a fireman his wife. So funny. Okay, if you had three wishes from final thought, three wishes from a genie go that everyone went vegan and that um animals were not hurt anymore. It's pleasure. That's number one. That's too sorry for that, so so not everyone would be get that. My number one, my number one, that no one would harm animals for pleasure, for any kind of pleasure. UM Number two would be that everyone was capable of empathy right away like you don't have to learn it, you're born with it. And number three would be for the planet to uh be rid of plastic or the ability to make plastic. So nothing personal? Do three that have to be personal? Um, I don't want anything. I'm not kidding you. Um. For me to be the same size, no matter, for me to have no issues with my body or food ever again like no thoughts of that. Um. Number two get to the Megala next year, yes, um uh God to be able to to have to have the time and energy to to learn guitar and be really good at it. I wouldn't want to just like be good at guitar, because then it's like you didn't earn it. So everything to limitless, like everything's expedited, but you still have to do to work. Yes, no, no, no, it's just like I have the motiv I'm given the motivation, because then that's not it doesn't seem as like I just got it still to put in the work. Yes no, but but expedite like yes, so you can learn guitar the same song. And for me to not lose my voice anymore? What about you? I have I have one for Nikki. Can I suggest a wish for you. Yes, remember how earlier you were saying that you didn't care about throwing the pitch poorly and you weren't embarrassed of that. You were you were upset because of the embarrassment that others felt because of that. And yes, the wish should be to let go of that, because that comes up often and a lot of of our conversations where people what people think of you. So I was thinking to do that, Noah, but then I will not be Then I would do nothing all day with my time, you know, like my I need some of that. I guess I would lose it maybe, but it does keep me. I just don't think I would do anything if I didn't care what people that was gone? Do you think something else could motivate you know what I mean? Like would you? I mean probably, I'd probably be a happier person, but I don't know. I can't imagine what that would look like right now, So I don't want to sign up for it, if that makes sense. Wish What about Oh, maybe being able to speak a different language would be cool? That would be dope. I just think that because I don't wouldn't have so much pride of like I learned this, I would just be like, Oh, I could communicate with people. What about you um fly private forever all the time? Yeah, yes, whether it's with my own arms or yes, that would be pretty dope. I love the idea, Like I want to be able to fly just in't like private plane like yeah private, Like, oh, you could have to be rich. No, I don't have to be rich. I just want to fly because if you're flying yourself two gigs like you like are soaring through the air, like you don't get like to lay down. You don't get to like like be like in the lap of luxury. You have to like bat your wings and stuff. It's exhausting. It would be so annoying to be Superman and have like you never wear goggles. Yeah, you don't get uh little pretzels. That's true when you're flying yourself. When you're flying yourself, Come again, is there turbo? Wasn't that word that words shaky um? Smaller nipples would be cool. Easily do that with a surgery that probably would cost you three thousand dollars. But like your Bunyan's, I think I love the pain that it gives the other people down If there's a way I can look down and see my penis without my nipples kind of never look down and see your nipples. You keep your shirt on during sex. We know that I'll take my shirt off. I mean if I'm standing up, but it's sometimes if I'm on top, like it's weird. My body changes a lot depending on how it's, how the hour and how it's like lame. Yes, it's like Plato in that way, like Plato could be really hard and then also droopy if it's if it's pulled right. You know what planet you're on in the gravity bowl. But you know what I mean, like if you pull a Plato, Plato is hard and then you pull it and starts to starts to hang. You know, no melty playto plays consistently. I feel like if it gets if it gets real skinny. Ok. So my stomach right can look kind of hard when I'm standing, but then if i'm it can hang and then it just anyhow. If I'm on my side and Brenda cuddles me and grabs my stomach, I really it's it makes me sad because I don't I don't feel like it's sexy for like it feels. Maybe that's another thing she wish just on my side. Yeah, you know what's one wish? Oh that's a Steve Bart but oh it is Oh my god, that's classic bet so fun personal want all children to join hands and sing in peace and harmony. Actually, let's push that one now. I really would like a nineteen seventy two, you know, like and then for all the children to join hands, and it's like Christmas wish. It was christ Special came back in the news randomly and people like attacking them because they said his stuff was like edgy, like what inflating the banjo in it? Anyways, go ahead, no, all right, real quick, um, I think it would be to have a mirror like Nikki Head in the green room that Andrew looks, ye look at was that? Yeah, there's some We had a skinny mirror to this this uh last weekend in one of the places we were, I think it was Madison and man I liked that mirror. And then there was on the other side of the room that was like the truth, dude. The first thing if I, if I became CEO of the Gap or anything, put skinny mirrors in your everywhere so stupid. So be called out for it. It's almost like the Abercambie sizing. Have you watched the new Abercrombie documentary A good no, it's not. I had to turn it off immediately. Don't watch it. All right, guys, that's it for us. We will be back tomorrow. Don't beca aunt. Jack from Will and Grace. Jason from that movie Jason