#204 Cool Face

Published Apr 15, 2022, 1:00 AM

According to Andrew, Nikki is dressed like a barfly. She's ok with that and also with calling out mistakes on her face. As they anticipate Andrew's birthday, they get into when they became adults. Ever wonder what it's like to get a gift from Whitney Cummings? Nikki shares how she got hers after appearing on her podcast. You Heard It Here First: hopefully they won't lose a leg in Texas, it's ok if you bend your rim and Obama vs a Fly. Fanthrax is short and sweet with voicemails about a cool face, live pictures and a cop cracking up.

The Nicky Glazer. Yes, here's Nicky. Hello. Here I am Nicky Glazer podcast. I'm Nicky Glazer. I'm in St. Louis with Andrew Colin in studio. What's up this look? Yeah? You like this look? Yeah? Describe it to the people that are listening to audio and for Noah and who maybe not can't get a close up all the way from Arizona. You can imagine a Midwest woman in a in a dark bar at the end, drinking, having cigarettes inside the bar. Really, yeah, it's kind of feeling I really was feeling a lot cooler than that. No, that's the coolest girl I can imagine. Really, she sounds sad. It sounds like she needs to get her life together and at a little bit she's been through a lot. Yeah, you look like a bar fly. A St. Louis bar fly is what? I what's a bar girl? Someone that hangs out at the bar a lot. Okay, I mean I just I just picture I'm wearing a Budwazer shirt, but it's the one I got in Cabo that says butt wiser and I'm wearing a Cardinal's at Yeah, because I have I still bruises on my forehead from botox. I have to go and I'm getting a photo shoot for the post is back and says the local newspaper today, And I'm still swollen from botox and filler um and girls of the place yesterday were like, you know, oh well, and I go, maybe I'll move the photo shoot and I was like, I was also tell them that I'm I'm like, maybe I'll just like underneath the caption will be like here's Nikki and her parents and Nicky just had filler at Nayak and I'll give him a little plug plug rooney, you know, like there's nothing to be ashamed of. I go, why why do girls get to dye their hair and be like, I got my hair dyed, But me, I'm like, I got filler and I gotta be uh, you know, my forehead it is weird, like Chris hasn't seen me for two weeks, and my face looks like it's a little bit swollen, but also it looks different because I got filler at the point of it and I'm gonna I'm wondering like last time I got it. He was like, what's some I told him, and he goes so like, is that like the way it's gonna There was a little bit of like are those lips like gonna be that way forever? And it was so cute because I was just like, no, they're they're swollen a little bit right now. But like he's like, no, not that that's a bad thing, but like you know, it's it's funny because your partner loves you for you, and then when you change things about yourself, your physical appearance, whether it's working out like sometimes not that he guys get like some guys get threatened when you like put in effort to your looks because they're like you're trying to get fucked by someone else. But Chris is just like you can do whatever you want. But like I love you the way you are and that's very sweet. But there's a little bit of like, don't change because I know I get that. I'm like I would be sad if he got things in his face to change his perfect face. It's like, why are you not fit? No? When he gets fit, I'm kind of like, you know, I don't need this right, Like I love your body like I would never love you more because your arm had a different bulge in it, like I would it would not have. It doesn't affect my love for you, and it makes me understand like how someone can love me no matter what size I am, because it's comical to me that I would love him less if he had less hair. That would just never be a thing. Yeah, I mean then why because I'm on TV and America might like me, and I like me more with with a face that like where I don't look as tired as I am. That's a good answer. And sometimes I don't like me more. I could definitely go overboard. It's like getting a bad haircut. Sometimes you're like that again, you know, or get it dissolved, and you could always take it back. Um, but I'm I'm willing to make mistakes on my face. I think it's totally okay to be like whoa, and I'll call it out. It be we way worse if I funked up my face and I'm an actress who has to act like no, I just got stung by some bees or like it's allergic reaction to mango. It's like, no, you're not. I got a little heavy handed with the you didn't get like an insane tattoo. It's not like no, that's even better because it's like you can say I got a tattoo. Women who funk up their faces go no, I just they're just they don't talk about it, or they just go into hiding, whereas I go, yeah, I got my lips done. It was a mistake, and I can say that down. It also goes down, and so do I know that's why you get your lips done? Oh my god. Every time. If girls out there are ever like considering getting filler in the future, if you've done it before, you already know this. I swear to you the day after you will freak out and you will call the place and be like, this isn't what I wanted. Wait, she even said to me. She was like, now two days. Do not wait two days before you start going like I need it dissolved or anything. So you gotta get past this uncomfortable period. I'm used to it now. It's so fun. I like it. It is the same to me as getting my hair dyed of like what is this good of? Or like getting my hair cut. It's like, what is this gonna be? It's a little bit risky. It's not one and four donning risky. It's not K two risky, but it's a fun little risk where it's like this could make me look so much better. And I was looking back at old pictures of when I got stuffed into my face, and I go, I don't like that. At the time, I thought it's too much, and I was going back to so I went, I couldn't remember when I've gotten stuff done. So I went back to my emails to see when I had sent my insurance cards to these places or whatever it was. Um insurance doesn't cover it, but I sent something I found in my emails. I go, okay, October two, nineteen. So I go back to that at part of my photo album, and I see the pictures that I used to go, oh my god, what the fund did you do your face? And now I'm like, that looks so fucking good, because even over the past three years, faces have changed enough where a face with work done on it looks more normal now and it didn't as much back. I do remember when you you got filler, like in your cheeks, yes, and I remember I remember it being because I knew, I guess your face before it felt way more drastic than whatever you're doing now. Not saying that like because your face looks fake. Now now it looks more fake. It's just like when I'm used to whatever, your face is a lot back then one day I went buck wild. Yeah, you can't even I think it looks better now than when it got changed then, If that makes sense. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I'm not judging it. I'm just saying, yes, no, I got that. But um, it's funny. I work out now and like if I put on like a my it's so funny when you don't dress up like you put on a button down over and Brenna's like, dressed up, huh, Like what are you get dressed up for? I'm like, first of all, I put a even buttons button down, I think to do this podcast. He's like, you having people see the video on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, you're trying to look hotter. I'm like, yeah, I'm trying I feel better about myself. It's that okay? Is it okay that I think I look hotter. It's a good point because I go it was still funny, but it is. There is a part of you that goes, who are you doing this for? Like why do you need to wear a button up? Why do you need to look nice if you already have a girlfriend and I love you, Like, what are you trying to get? And it's the bigger story is that. Sorry, but looking fuckable helps even if I'm not going to sunk peoples. It is true. And you can say, no, I do it for myself. No, you're doing it so people think you're attractive and are It's yeah, and do it for yourself so they have a positive response. A friend of mine told me about a a Ted talk or something that he watched about how if you high five yourself in the mirror and just start every day with like a positive attitude looking at yourself, it like changes your overall mental well being. I believe something that helps with that because mirrors are such an anomaly and there's something like their modern I mean, we did not grow up like we're not humans aren't meant to like see themselves. And so when you see yourself saying you look fucking great, high five, you're subconscious kind of processes that as someone else telling it to you, because there's no protocol for us talking to ourselves because it was never a thing. And so when you see that back at you, your brain kind of goes someone else is giving you positive reinforcement because it doesn't. It doesn't make sense that you yourself for talking yourself and for sure, like when I feel bad about myself, I'll shower with like I'll make sure like the certain light is on, you know, like less light. If I don't feel as good about myself or my body or whatever, like I'll shower in the darker the better because when you get out, you don't have to see your own body. I've never done that. I'm kind of like, look at it, bitch, own, like see it. Don't be in denial. This is the thing again about like you don't want to see the sharks if you're swimming, and I want the water to be clear. I want to know the truth. I want harsh lighting to be like this is the real thing. I don't want to filter on my Instagram. I want to like I don't want to be lied to you, but I do understand. Like sometimes you're injecting your face. Yeah, but that's because I see the truth and that's not lying. If my face gets injected and looks better, that's a true thing. Okay, So you can handle the truth, but you still can change the truth. You can change things to me because I if I see the truth, then I go, this is something I have to fix. If I'm seeing my body and it's like I'm so ashamed of it, that's just gonna lead me to be in denial of it and keep doing things the way I'm doing. I make changes when I'm like forced with like this is unmanageable, and I work out until I can turn the light off, and then you start not stop working out because you're like I did it. Yes, Well, we all have our things. I mean, when I am feeling like not comfortable in my own skin, I will if I have like an itch on an area. I think I probably said this for if I have an itch on it, like this is where like on my hips, like lower stomach is where fat starts to accumulate. If I'm feeling like my pants are tight there and there's going to be like this bulge that I don't like, I will like scratch it with like this so I don't have to like feel it because it's just like I know because I already know what's there. It's not like I'm like you don't want to feel your own fat with your fingers. I don't need. That's I won't scratch, I'll use like a pencil or something because I just don't want to. I don't want to feel myself. So I know that's crazy. No, No, I get what you're saying. That makes sense to me because it's something about that that just like when the waistband creates a divot, or like and when I take off pants and all of a sudden, I can see the imprint of the pants in my skin. It's just that's a rude awakening of like you need some new pants. But again, it's like or underwear. Sometimes I'll take my underwear and I'll put it over that little flab flab right here, like I'll put it over that right as opposed to having it hang a little bit, even though that's I know you always That's why like high waisted, it keeps the bulge, it tucks it, it goes over the bar. Yeah, battle of the bulge. I want it over it and I want um And like even lou Lemon pants recently have been like a struggle to put on in terms like they feel like spank sometimes where I'm like, okay, things are different, and it's just like and it's so funny to go back and look at old pictures when I thought my body was. It's just like even looking back at those old pictures of like, okay, I'm gonna pull up. I was pulling up for the doctor to go, this is not what I want. And I pulled up and I go, oh my god, will you just do this. I was trying to use it as example, but I didn't want and I go, can you give me back to that? And I remember hating that photo. It's like and so now I really gotta remember that right now. Someday I'm going to look back at this video of me looking like a bar fly in St. Louis with a Budweiser shirt and a baseball cap and a swollen face. I'm gonna go, look at your hair, how long it was, and like look at that, look at your arm how like the other day I had a picture on my Instagram and my arm was kind of like I was hugging somebody was pressed down, you know when you sit in your thighs like spread out more than if you're standing, And my arm was just like pressed like this. And it was a picture that I was like uncomfortable with because it's not what I thought. My arm looked like still lovable, still like, and it's I'm not there's no, I'm just And people get mad at me sometimes when I talk about feeling quote unquote fat, because they're like, well, if you feel fat, then what does that make me? This is this is I'm just being honest. I cannot help it. When I feel fat, it's because I depressed. It's not because I'm actually fat. So when I'm saying I feel fat, that is not me telling you you should feel bad about yourself. That is not me saying that if I saw you, I'd be like, WHOA, what's wrong with her? It is a highly personal thing and I do not project. So I just want to make that clear because I have had people get upset with me and for good reason. And I like hearing it because it makes me remember if I'm kind of in my diseased brain. But I saw my arm and I was just like, you know, what, funck it? I like, I'm a little bit heavier right now, I'm putting I'm like owning it, like I'm not going to try to avoid this part of my life. Just put it out there. And then some girl wrote to me it was like, your arm is goals in this picture, and I was like, well, isn't that interesting this picture that I thought was telling the world like I'm a new size world, Like here I am and like get used to it. Someone wrote goals and like my version of like this is is and it's because and guess what it is goals. I'm gonna look back at the picture and go I can't believe my arm was so cute. I give believe. That night I was like, why is my arm? Like we just and this whole thing of like I'm so old, bitch. You're the youngest you're ever going to be right now to start embracing it. You're about to turn forty eight, You're about to turn forty two. Do you feel like, um is that? Does that mean something to you? Now? Is probably my favorite number? Well, Jackie Robinson was seven times six. It's for you two. No, it's not seven times six for you two. No, it's not. Noah, I love how you have to you have to go to a calculator. Um, so Jackie Robinson is for you two. Um well, I was gonna it was just gonna. I was thinking about you being a barfly and like another woman said next to you at the bar, Yeah, that's kind of a similar looking and she's like yeah, husband takes it down on you too, And you're like this, like I'm alost swollen. No, this is me beating myself up. Yeah, this is showering with bad lighting. Alright, let's go to break and come back with Marciall alright, we're back. Um, anything else we want to talk about before we get to fan threat. I'm telling you, when you're in your late twenties or even when you turn thirty, you feel like it's time to be an adult. I'm so old. I'm an adult now. There is something to aging where like even if I say forty two, I can't believe, like it is weird for me. Like there's a lot of reasons why, but um, age starts not becoming like an adult thing because you've been an adult so long. It's just that's an It's just like, I don't you know what does that make? Like when you transfer to something then it feels like what did you start feeling like an adult? No? When was the age where you were like, okay, this is an adult. No, it's when you think you have to be an adult. Well, what what age is that for you where you go, well, this is it. I think twenty seven for me was like, okay, this is this is this is up there? Yeah, I'm off my parents insurance. It's twenty five is actually kind of the last age where it's like the rental car thing. You can finally rent a car on your own. It's it's so weird that that's the last thing they hold out and then the next one is social Security at sixty. The next one's President at thirty five, then the next one social Security at sixty. But twenty five is this like age that you do we say you could do anything else except rent a car. I know, it's fucking weird. So there's nothing to really look forward to, really other than if then you start doing things like you get married, you have kids at eight. I'm about to be thirty eight, and man, I'm I'm saying I'm thirty seven as much as I can, because it's the last month. I'm thirty seven, and this age that I you know, in summertime, I don't want to talk about my age because I just left the old one behind and it's the beginning of that for me. You know what. But towards the end of it, you go, no, I'm thirty seven. I'm still thirty seven because even though smer today, um, that's thirty eight to me, it's like it's just I've said this before, but when you remember your parents turning that age and you were old enough to like know that, you're like, that's the wild thing is that I remember my dad cannot believe I don't have kids, and my mom had a remember my dad's like I can remember vividly, like you're over the hill age, Like I remember him getting over the hill. That was a big thing in and over the hill. Yeah, over the hill was huge. And what was the other thing? What is it when you buy something when you get over midlife crisis? Midlife crisis? So he out a Porsche and he was like forty have a really dark joke about midlife crisis is like one of the worst jokes I've ever Um my little nephew, Um has leukemia. This is not true. This is just a joke made up to like make the worst. He just gotta he just gotta, like we got him a little Toy Corp. Event for his fourth birthday, you know, but he has leukemia. So it's you know, midlife crisis. It's pretty decent, but it's it's tragic as fuck, and it's it's made up. I mean, there's no um but midlife. I guess forty is midlife, but not anymore. I mean when he Cummins just gave me um a book about extending your life by twelve years, like instantly, like without question, you gotta read this book. I haven't done that. I'm gonna read a third of it, so I'm at least read leave four more years math seven times seven minus seven. Um so I but it's all about like taking pep sides and ship like that. She's getting me on a regiment. She also gave me a complimentary family Constellation session. We did a podcast it's out today. Um. She was talking on her podcast about how in her past, her family, she has an immense like she's obsessed with horses and she can't even see she can't even be in a part of New York City if there's gonna be horse carriages, Like if she sees a horse carriage, she goes into this like mom like lifting a car to get her children out mode. She just goes into another dimension where she can't do the Today Show. She can't do like Letterman, Like when she would win the Letterman, she had to go a different route because it's so upset. Upsetting to her. It's the same as like if like too lane highways from me, I'll never drive to Vegas if that because of Julane, Like it's just a phobia. She can't handle herself around horse carriages. And this woman went back and looked at her family history and like just read her energy. It's kind of like mediums like Tyler Henry stuff, and it was like something went on with horses in your family. And she uncovered that her her great grandfather had a hand in designing horse carriages so the wheels would not fall off. So he contributed to the horse carriage industry and probably did some hainous things to horses that she is now correcting as a descendant of people who may be abused horses, and so like in it, I talked to this woman on the phone yesterday for a consultation and Whitney's paying for my first session. She's like, this is what Whitney does. She's just like suddenly you'll get a text with a random number attached to it and She's like, Nikki, this is you know, doctor Brown, and he's gonna save your parents lives, Okay, just to have a consult with them. It's it's on me the first one. Like she just like, I have so many doctors in my phone from Whitney. So I had a call with this woman yesterday and I did not understand it was just a consult. I didn't understand like what it was. I was like, because I thought it was she looks up my like ancestry or something like, and it's facts. But it's more like she's just an intuitive and she just reads energy and throw the phegnosis. That's what I asked. I go, was there a hypnosis? And she was like, no, it's just we come up with tools to heal the trauma things that you're dealing with now, Like if you have certain weird fears now or like fears in your life, we unpack those two seeing what they could mean and where they where you got them, and then it's just a Whitney said. If anything, it's just great material because it's just a weird thing to experience and to kind of dig up your past. This woman did she just feel it. So she yesterday on the phone call. She was, Oh, I think Whitney looked it up and it was true. But the woman yesterday was like, something at four and a half happened to you where you felt like. She was just like, I don't know, I'm getting a sense at four and a half, someone you got, you got told that you weren't good enough or that you needed to be punished until you got a reward. Something really big happen at four and a half, and I'm like, I don't know what that could have been. But we were kind of unpacking why I can't um ever be rewarded unless I suffer first, and then when the reward comes, I fight it because I just don't feel like I deserve it. Orgasms, gift giving, um meals, I just don't. I want to delay pleasure because I feel like I don't deserve it. She's like, somewhere along, we gotta figure out where that happened. We go back, we heal that, and then we u It's always so annoying that everything in your past that you have to remember happened at a time that you can't remember. You know. It's like, just once I want to be like, dude, when you were twenty two, like I want one, Like, yeah, got nice. Wouldn't that be nice? Because it happens. But then you can question I'm not saying she's bullshit, but it's easier to question the bullshit if you can remember yourself. If someone goes when you were fine, look at it it like tarot, you know, like, I don't really believe that these cards you're flipping over like telling me things, but it's a way to like just look at the past and go, oh, actually, because there's without questions. Something happened to me as a child where I got a message that you don't get to enjoy things unless you work for them first. And it's just not a it's not a good message, and it got cemented and implanted somewhere in my childhood. So it doesn't hurt to just say four and a half and make me kind of come up with something, you know it actually, that's that's probably a healthy solution, even if it's made up. I mean, who was a workaholic? That was closest to you. There's no work aholics in my house hold, really there's not. But my mom is very much someone who's um. Someone complain about money, you don't get don't don't ruin your dinner. You don't get to have something until we wait until after dinner. Those wait until later. You're not opening presents until this time now, Like and my dad was always like, just let's have snacks now, let's just open presents on Christmas. Even my mom is very much like, no, we wait until the table is set, until the you know. So it's a constant battle of those two things, I think. And then there's probably going to be something that's like major. Was money talked about a lot and in your accounting, yes, so that could be something too, I think with reward and money. And then I also think that your dad with a guitarists and like he wanted to be a musician, he wanted to be a performer, but instead you know that never that never came up. I mean, I can see what you're saying. It never even was like, yeah, yeah, what are you getting from me right now? What are you send something? Getting? Like a bar fly? Last night I was we were actually on a text thread with my friend from high school and she's probably listening this because she was laughing so hard when I she was telling me about like when I she was the one in high school that wore a shirt that said whatever, and it was like so counterculture Halla, you know, Hala Noah. And I was talking to her on this text about like she said that the other day she needed to share with me and my friend. She was like the thing came up where because it was always the moniker for her was Halla don't cur like, Halla just doesn't care, like whatever, I'm just gonna do whatever, like I'm just she was just like like this free spirit, but some times it felt like you're trying to be a free spirit. Like we would kind of go like what's this whatever shirt? Why you were cat and that hat, like it would be like this, And then I we were talking about it on this text chain and she said that a neighbor of her saw her in the rain, like walking in her car and torntal rain from her like her car to a building and the woman was like, I'd never seen someone walk like there's not torrential rain, like without an umbrella and not even like try to run. You just like walked like it was like a normal sunshiny dan. And she was like, she was like you just didn't care, and she was like it's so funny because that used to be. And I was like, and she goes, I think, I go, you should tell this woman it's not so much you're like a free spirit, but that your rebellion was that your mom was the opposite of that. So your way of rebel. Her mom was like perfect ran marathons, looked stunning every morning, made us like pancakes and like croissants for the girls. Like she was just a super mom and so gorgeous and so perfect. That halla did the opposite, did the opposite, and it was like, I don't care. And I relate to that too. Whenever someone's like really anxious about when you get anxious about a stand upset, I want to do the opposite and go, I don't care about it at all, because you just want to fight the thing that you actually feel like maybe I should be doing this. I did that for sure with my parents. My mom didn't do anything a lot of times because you know, of the alcoholism. So I wanted to rebel. Part of me wanted to do the same thing and be lazy, which I've leaned into. I wouldn't say lazy is the wrong word to say when someone happens Z, but like depressed. And then my dad was a workaholic. So I wanted to be like the opposite, act opposite. You're gonna go to the other, I'm going to go to the gonna be like your dad, or you're gonna be like your mom. So you were constantly juggling these two of like, fuck you, mom, I'm gonna work really hard, and then you'd be like I'm looking like mom. Oh man, that's interesting and that makes sense. Both were extremes. But what we're just talking about right before that, don't her in the rain? In the rain, it was raining like two days ago, and uh, I was just walking with brand and I was like, I don't really mind. Like I don't know. I feel like in New York, I always felt like I had to get past the rain. I was walking the rain today and some reason or the other day, and I was just like, it's okay, it's just rain. Like it's just like it's kind of nice. Yeah, we do freak out about rain, but it's just people freak out. To say, women's hair comes into playing. It's like, because when your hair gets wet, you got to start all over as a woman unless you're you know, that's the big thing that men have to take into consideration. All right, let's get to the news. Had a raincoat and umbrella. But first, oh man, it's Thursday, folks. You don't have me to this Thursday tonight. We will be in Austin at the Paramount Theater, two shows, two shows, seven available for both, but mostly the probably the second show. I mean, it's tons of comics in town too. I mean, it's going to be a big all going to be in town tomorrow. You no, I looked at the lineup. I think there's uh no, I almost said Nosha and Natasha. Mosha and Natasha are going to be performing at the same time as us, which sucks because I want to go see them, but um, hopefully we'll run into them in the lobby of the hotel or something like that. It is kind of nice when you live in St. Louis and you see we haven't I haven't seen some New York comics you were talking about the other day. I mean, it's like a couple of years. It's insane. It's I miss comics so much. But there's also this fear of, like you know, it's like the pandemic when you haven't socialized in a long time, and you like miss it so much, but you're also like, well, now I'm kind of don't want to because I'm scared of it. Like there's a part of me that really recoils at the idea of a comedy festival because it's like comics might be at my show judging me. Comics. I'll have to like be more social and like I don't really want to hang out, and I'll feel bad about not hanging out, and you know. The other night was the fiftieth anniversary at the Comedy Store, and I went to dinner with Spade and Um Adam Egat and then afterwards, Adam was going to the store and I was like, I have to get up at four am for a flight. I was like, I'm just not gonna go. And then I listened to Greg fitzimmons podcast the other day and he went, and he said it was like the best night of his life and it was like the coolest event. And I had the I usually do have no fomo, and I had major fomo and I wish I would have gone. Um. But I do have anxiety about being around comedians because I think that they sometimes I think I get like today I called this radio show in Austin. Actually, um, it was fun. What was the name of the guys. They're so nice and they love you so much? Bob and uh Matt, Matt and Bob. Um, yeah, that we went in with them. They said hi, but um, I did it so with them and they were like, you know, pretty soon you're not even going to call us anymore. You're gonna be so big. And I'm just like, I forget that people think that some in some circles, I'm a big deal and I've made it and I'm famous now and then because also I was running late this morning, so my assistant called my publicist to call them, and so they got a call from my publicist because I didn't even have their numbers. But then it looks like I was like big time. But I'm like, I'm eating oatmeal and say, who was in my fucking kitchen. Someone tweeted the other day like from a blog of like Nicky Glazer, we've lost Nicky Glazer to Hollywood. Sorry guys, And I wrote back, I literally live in St. Louis And he's like, well, if you want to talk about this on my podcast, I have a I have a lot of evidence for why I think you've gone a little Hollywood, and I'm like, and then I looked at his he had like five hundred followers. I go, no, I'm not gonna defend myself. This is the dumbest. But so I go into these situations where I either think everyone thinks I'm a fraud. All the comedians are like, she doesn't deserve what she's gotten, or they think that I'm like such a big deal that they can't act naturally around me because they're younger comics that are like, she's big, which isn't true either, neither true. It's again between mom and dad. I don't know what's what I am? All right, news alright, So well, since you're going to be in Texas, I have a Texas story for you. A leg found by a motorist on I tend in Cibolo, which is a town in Texas, was related to a fatality accident fifty miles away. Pass have happened when a forty eight year old man pulled over onto the right hand shoulder of I ten and got out of his truck was hit by a passing motorist. Officials believe that the body part became lodged onto a passing truck and dislodged about fifty miles away. Oh boy, that's that's funnier than I laughed. That was really funny. Okay, let me just say a couple of things here. P s a okay, public service announcement. The more you know, ding ding ding, Do not ever pull on the side of the highway if your car, unless your car is breaking down, you don't have a choice. If your tire blows out, if anything, drive to the nearest exit. It is more safe to drive on a rim and spend the money it's going to take to ruin your fucking rim or whatever it is you're driving on, then to treat when people change tires on highway is the number one way that people die on highways. Please, you are not smarter than these people who get hit. These people get hit because they are there. They just don't know this rule. My dad on the highway doing that, he was trying to cross it. Just you, guys, please, I'm begging you, especially like if if this happens to you, because listen, we've all like tires get blown out. We you know, you might run over a fucking leg or something. Yeah, hit still. But here's the thing. Please just drives in your exit because you you don't know what you're risking in and trying to do something on the side of the highway. Just and never ever get out of your car on the side of the highway. People get hit all the time and they people don't see what things happened too fast. So I just really want to if I can save one life potentially, just funk up your car. Even if your dad's like, why do you drive on the rim? You should have pulled over, you ruin the car, Say well, I could have almost died if I tried to change this on highway. Don't even call Triple A and have them do it, because these guys, those guys die. It's so dangerous. I lost a friend to this. I'm very passionate about it. Um that being said, um, this story is insane. And if I ever get hit by car, I hope that a part of me ends up in the like front of something and ends up fifty miles. I think it's so funny. There's no way that was that same body. And they have to like put it like like tetris, like I mean, it's wild. It reminds me of reminds me of a lot of things. What's interesting that come up to the accident and go, oh, this person must person they killed must only had one leg, you know, because there's no other leg. Or they just go where the funk They're just searching for it and they have no idea, like who took this leg? I mean, I would just assume it probably got stuck in the grill. What's the weirdest thing. What's the weirdest thing that laser um? What is the weirdest thing you've ever are found in your car? Have you ever hit anything weird? I once hit I'll answer this while you talk. I once was driving to the Funny Bone when I first started comedy at Westport on to seventy and I there was a flock of beautiful white geese that were flying across the highway too low, and I hit like five of them, and it was the most satisfying sound ever of hit, like of just birds like like Kerson and I used to love to throw, like when you're feeding ducks. We used to love to throw the ducks against trees. And now we used to love to throw see if you're listening, We used to love to throw pieces of bread. No, just the listener, I love to throw pieces of bread. I've talked about this before onto the ducks back because it was just the thump that was like like hitting like feathers, like a little thing. I have to say. I mean, it was the worst thing I've ever had that ever happened to me. Is like having all that You know, there were feathers in my girl. Oh yeah, for sure I either injured them. I like, I couldn't look back. It was too when I drive past road kill. I'm not kidding you. I put up my hand like this and I do a blind spot because I can't. It happened on yesterday, was visiting my parents and I saw a squirrel that was probably just killed within the past couple of hours, and I put up my hand. I mean, it's my kind of Whitney thing of like horsecare, Like I just can't deal with animals that have been hit unless you hit him yourself. Oh it was. It was the worst. Have you ever hit a deer or anything like that? Dear old man. That was my joke from back in the day. It's pretty funny. One time I I hit my own car with my hand. I had a fly in my car and I tried to hit the fly and I hit my wins inside and from driving in Texas, in Texas, says with my step rather driving to when I moved out to California become you know, production, a producer. And uh so you hit a fly in your own car and then did it case? Oh and I missed the fly. I think he flew out. Probably have you ever seen Obama kill that fly in an interview? It's the sexiest thing that I mean, Obama's no my number one. You know, let's take a quick break and I'm going to tell you about this Obama that. So can I pull it up on my phone and have you watched it? So Obama? Just pull it up, just Obama fly. It's gonna be like him in some like cool jeans with sunglasses on looking fly. I mean, he's so hot. But he's in the middle of this interview and he just without he he'll be like, you know, we we're dealing with a lot of troops and that, and then it just he gets it like in his periphery. It's so hot. There's something about a man that just I mean, you know me, I don't like any kind of insect being killed. Did you see it? Yeah? I mean it was very quick, isn't it. Have you ever seen the of course you've seen it. When George W. Bush almost gets hit by that shoe, that's another fucking hot Like. I was attracted to him because he just was so cool about it, the way he dodged it, and it was someone who was definitely an NBA natural born athlete. Also, he's He's dodged a lot of things. I have come at him. Yeah, like war crime, blame for invading Iraq killing two million Middle Eastern people. He's like, but I draw now for fun. That's him. Yeah, he did dodge great. And who throws a shoe? Remember from Austin Power? Who throws the shoe? That was that? That was before. Yeah, that was so funny that I referenced that scene of Um. I referenced that scene of Oh because I talked about I don't do this joke anymore, but I used to do a thing about this. This weapon I had called UM the Tiger Lady, and you would squeeze it in your hand and I had these claws that come out, and it was to defend myself. I would use it when I was running at like twilight, and I'd be like, you know, if someone came across me, I would just fucking fuck them up. And then I kind of ran through a scenario in which I would do that, and I realized I don't like to hurt people and I don't know how to use it. So what I would do is just probably like scratch them and they'd be like, oh, what fuck you? And then this seemingly like random act of violence would try into a crime of passion because they'd be like, you fucking scratch me, bitch, So I should have I could have just gotten mugged and raped, you know, normally. Now he's just fucking mad and wants to like so I say that the detective crumbs on the scene is like, well, the seemingly random act of violence and turned into a crime of Oh the tiger lady, this bit scratching for like, it just just like it's just getting you because I don't know how to You would just hurt someone enough that they would just be so much more mad. Yeah, and it it would be more personally I would if I was trying to kill you. And that's why bass is the thing to use. Yeah, gel macee is the number one thing that women should use because it shoots really far away. What's that? Take that a top that? Okay, let's get to um oh, take that as a mace the rapper. Okay, let's get to fan trax on Okay, fan tracks, all right, let's hear it. No, uh, what do besties have to say this week? You said there's a lot of good stuff? Okay? The first one is from Ellen. Oh my god, from who Ellen? Hi, Nikki, Andrew, and Noah. This is Ellen from Kansas City. I love you guys in the podcast so so much. Um. Okay, So I'm calling in because I think this is a cup, but I don't know how to like it might be an offshoot of cup and my friends and I invented it in high school. It's called cool face, and it's like when you do something really cool in front of a group of people, but you don't want to acknowledge that it was cool, if that makes sense to Like. An example is I played tennis in high school, and so like if I hit a really good shot, like an overhead or something that was like like kind of impressive when people were watching, you had to make good cool face, because you can't get excited in front of people because it's like embarrassing because you don't want to acknowledge the fact that you don't want to be you hit a really good shot. I don't know how. It's like people are watching you and you just have to go cool face, cool face, and you can't smile or anything because you have to act like I wouldn't see and then also so fast, Nicky. I literally freaked out a few episodes ago when you were talking about um, people from St. Louis wearing St. Louis stuff from the airport. I'm from Kansas City. My friends and I talked about this all the time. People from Kansas City where Chief stuff and like kay Us stuff every single time they go to the airport. I don't know why, like you always know to Kansas City because the people are like scattered throughout and like bright red chiefs. Oh my god, nell utter the time of year, and you're so right. I was just traveling this weekend. I swear to god, I was in Canada and saw Kansas City stuff. And let me just say, I am more prone to seeing Kansas City stuff because I have been there, lived there before. You know, around there, and so it pops out to me more so maybe I'm just saying maybe there's you know, Detroit stuff everywhere and I just don't care because you know, But I will say, Kansas City is I saw all over the weekend they really they relayed the airport to their because it's the Kansas City airport. No, no, no, I'm talking about traveling in any airport. You just see people traveling wearing Kansas City stuff. Oh, I think she's talking about people wear it to the airport because that's their city. Well they wear it, no, like when they when they're on the plane headed back to Kansas City. Maybe no, But my my point is that I think they'd probably be wearing it anyways. But the reason why they may be in their brain to go wear my Kansas City swear because I'm going to the Kansas City. I'm going to the Kansas City airport. That's the airport code. Okay, that makes sense, you know what I'm saying. But I also want to say it to the ki face. What do you think the kiface looks like like? Or the cool cool face? Cool face like? So you did say you did something really cool? Cool face cool faces. This just like playing it down, playing down. Okay, let me think of something cool if I made a really good punchline or something. I'm trying to think of my version of something cool that I would do, like where I like I had the best comeback. Okay, So I say, well, maybe it's because your mom thought that just kind of a little like chuckle to myself. Honestly, I don't even know if you have the cool face, because I would just go that was pretty freaking good, right, Like I want I feel like in order to not because I'm always trying to like not, I think it's yeah, cool faces could because you're actively trying to not be authentic. What you really want to do is go like, yes, suck it. Yes, I love emotion in sports. Yes, people like see that pressures that tennis guy. Oh my god, let me just play this really quick. Sorry, you know, let's cueue up the next fan trax. Also, it just goes back to like when someone goes ooh he's so calm under pressure. That's his That's the same thing as someone getting very excited. Yes, It's like when I met with the therapist and I was like, I'm lazy, she's like, that's a choice. That's a choice just as much as doing something is. So if someone's real cool under pressure, that's their choice, just like the person that's very excited. If that makes sense. That does make sense. Okay, noah, next one, al right. Next voicemail comes from Anna Quickie. I took a photo in my mirror in my underwear to send to my boyfriend, and it's a live photo. And all you hear in the background if you click on the live photo is Nicky saying and he's teeing up. So my boyfriend listened to it and responded with are you listening to golf? So good job, Nicky? My god? Oh yeah. When I was doing the golf impression and he's teeing up. It's a beautiful day here in Augusta. The wind is coming in at nine miles per hour off the eastern seaboard. We are going to land. Oh no, I'm just doing pilot, okay. So that makes me feel so fucking good, Like I that really thank you for that. Live photos can get you everybody, if you send a nude or you're sending some make out y'all, a live photo. If they hold down the button, they could see things before it just I did that. I blocked out my penis when I sent it to my brother, and you click on the live photo and the box disappeared, and his wife saw my dick and I didn't. You didn't mean to send your penis though, right, I meant to send my body my penis, you said, I sent my penis to my brother and he saw my penis. It's like, okay, well I sent a body pick. Yes, and the live photo revealed more so this is a tennis player. I don't know. I sent it to Chris and he said that guy's kind of a dick. Yes he is. Okay, so this is Ben Stiller said something in the stands. I don't know what it was. He was probably just like being supportive, and then you know, he probably was like, oh, Ben Stiller thinks he's cool, And this is what he said, Are you good at tennis? Exactly? So why are you speaking? Do I tell him how to act? No? And then it cuts have been still looking so awkward. I doubt ben Stiller said anything shitty. Yeah, I'd be surprised if Ben still are you good at tennis? Yeah, that would have thought. He picked Ben Stiller. He knew that's the one guy that makes more money than him. Let's go after. You can tell he's got a chip on his shoulders. Yeah, guaranteed he was not winning that match at that moment. That's a guy that pulls cool faced too, by the way, Okay, okay, next fantract. This will have to be the last one because of time. Yes, all right, Uh this one. I don't know if we should say her name. Maybe yes, maybe no? Oh? Okay, Hi Nikki Andrew Noah. I am a police officer and I just had an incident that made me laugh out loud and think of you guys. So I just arrested somebody for a driving offense, and as I'm doing my notes here, I was just noting that, um, the vehicle had several occupants in it, and I was just laughing because of several discussions. How different we see the word several um compared to Andrew and I say we as in the entire world versus Andrew's version of several um. I love you. Sorry from rambling. It's like three in the morning, and I would very tired, but I just wanted to let you guys know we have a copsten that every time we hear the word several I laugh out loud, Uh, don't be and jack rabbit, jack rabbit. Wait a second, is it weird that I feel so cool that we have a female cop who listens to our show, like cooler than if any Like I'm sorry to Ellen, I'm sorry to who was the other person? Anna? Anna? But I don't know what you guys do for a living, but a cop on the night beat listening to our show and having a little gig. I'm so intimidated by female cops. Yeah, there's something. There's something about a cop listening to us, like complain about like these like little things. Meanwhile, she has to go like ta called murder. Okay, I'm honestly, I know cops are like normal people and like have normal lives, But to me, that is like, so I'm so tickled I put them on a pedestal. I mean, it's not a big deal that cops listening. It's like, I mean, I get you know, I think that a lot of people that do think that I could never do, you know, people climbing fourteen ers or listening to the show all the time. Whatever. Um, I really want to institute a segment on the show. I'm going to put it out there so that it has to happen, where we interview someone who has a job that we all know people have these jobs. I want to do. This was originally a part of the pitch of the show that I wanted to do where it's we interview I want to interview that cop and ask her about what it's like to be a cop. She sounds like a just like us. Yeah, let's reach out to her. I want let's talk about maybe some other jobs that if you have these jobs, or you have an interesting Starbucks is I'm dying for someone who's Starbucks more than a year, you know, I want to I want someone who's like a you know, who's been in it, who's been a patna um. I would like to talk to God. Maybe someone who worked at like a geek squad, someone who like goes in some Bud's computers the weirdest stuff you found. Um. Maybe so we watch it as Amazon fulfillment center, Like, there's thousands of people work in those and I have never talked to one. I've never met one detective. I'm a molestation detective, someone who, um, yeah, someone who's been molested that wants to talk about it honestly, like I if you are open to talk about that and things that maybe you could have not you could have done differently, but things that your parents maybe could have seen, things that like or maybe you don't. Maybe you heard the last episode where I was talking about like kids know right away and you didn't know right away, and you want to set that straight, like I'm open to anything. I love it, like I want to talk to cops, Starbucks employees, and if you've been molested, I mean, I can't deny that these are my interests at Arbucks and been molested. Well, then two birds, one fucking uncle. Um, here's it. No, it can't actually it can be an aunt, but it really I said this to Chris to because this is from the last podcast we did, but we were both saying what can we do to to to what can we do? And I said, it's about messaging, it's about education. And another thing is sorry, don't let your kids around men alone. That's I'm sorry to men listening that are like I love kids, Then fucking write TV shows for kids or make content for kids. You do not trust your kids to be alone with men. I can't hang with my nephews. Yes, you can because your brother, your brother knows you. And if you said that the strangers sometimes people in your inner circle, you don't know it is true. But I would guess that your brother knows you. Your brother I know knows you well enough, and I know you well enough that I know that you're not harboring that secret. I would know that about at this point what I'm saying, And I know you're like Nikki, this guy is trusted. I'm sure he is. I'm just saying, listen, if one and four guys who are like let's say one in eighty guys that work in childcare as a child predator, are you going to take that chance or are you gonna maybe take the chance of one in thousands of women? Women just aren't the one. And usually a lot of times women who are doing abuse to children, sexual abuse are doing it for a man in their life and are part of like a you have an interview now a lot of babysitters. I do have an interview with Conan people. I'm gonna be on inside Conan and listen. If I don't know what I'm talking about, set me straight, and also send me more Um every the other night when I asked for a recommendation of a pedophile documentary. But the other day, I just want to say, I asked on my Instagram for sex crime documentaries. I'm like, please send it my way. Every single one that got sent to me, I've seen. I've seen them all. If you can dig one up, I am a s I want to hear from you. Thank you so much for this week of shows. Sorry, I talked to much about molestation. I don't know what's wrong with me. I probably was molisted at at an age that I don't remember. Who knows. We'll dig it up in my family constellation. Um. Also, don't be cut there, don't make a cool face, and Jack beingblja's quick

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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