#178 This Is What It Is

Published Feb 17, 2022, 2:00 AM

Nikki and Andrew have bugs on the brain. Also, recovery, rock bottoms and why some people mimic things they've seen in a movie. Andrew tries to understand why Nikki is not a fan of imitation and is surprised by her boldness to save some dolphins this morning. You Heard It Here First, Noa takes a stab at reading the news while Nikki and Andrew react to a shark attack, a child under the stairs, a branding failure and they care about a quiz she has. They play Esther Perel's Where Should We Begin? Game and get into a conversation around taboos. In The Final Thought, Nikki talks about why she dropped her bad gum habit.

Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com

The Nikki Glazer Podcast. Here's Nikki here. I am welcome to the show. I'm Nicki Glazer Nicklaser Podcast. How y'all doing out there? I'm untangling some chords, untangling chords. How's your how are your chord management? You guys? Andrew's pretty good about like his stuff is tangled, Like, man, I haven't seen you untangle headphones and truly months and months and months, like I don't even know that when we were living together, you and you don't have AirPods. But really the image of you I have from New York City, Andrew is untangling headphones. Yeah, I think because I was a dog walker, so I was listening to a lot of music. Headphones were out, and I put them in my pocket to talk to the owner. And then they get in the pocket and they do something in there where they start to tango. They start to fool around. The next thing you know, they start fucking hard and they're not up. Yeah, they're like two little like you know, like when two flies fuck each other and you can't get up a part or bees or something. Ladybugs or what are those bugs that all the time? Fun bugs? No, there's no I mean all bugs be funny because they love bugs all the time. I love bugs. What do you call those little bugs that roll up? You call them police? Would you call him? No? Maggots? Do you know that maggots? They do it doesn't breath, Yeah, they breathe from their butts. I mean they also eat like you know, old rotting flesh. That's kind of a more interesting or are more like whoa maggots? No, they love it. They just show like they get to show up when everything seems terrible and they're like that's when they're living their best life. So I kind of like the winter summer maggots are so disgusting. Do you know? They're like baby flies? Right? And a lot of times maggots like help protect like when someone I've I watched so many like weird like videos online of people getting there like you guys know him into ward videos. It's so gross, but if you I mean it's I've watched so many videos about um uh podiatrists talking about people that have neglected feet and like wounds and stuff, and they said that they find a lot of times when someone walks in with like a you know, a diabetic person who has an open wound that they can't even feel anymore, and that it's rotting flesh and there's like maggots on it. That the maggots are what kept them from getting disease because they ate all the stuff that would have been a bacterial infection. And like the maggots sometimes keep the person alive longer because they're just chomping down on all like the gross stuff. It's so gross. What do you ever do if you had to? Like, do you know sometimes they do um feat no? No, I mean I would never eat a bug. I think I ate like crickets one time that we're in a chocolate bar as like some kind of like you know, they used to sell things like this is crickets in it in person, And I would go to this place called the Just for like ants on a log, and I thought it'd be funny to have put ants on the peanut butter. I bet you didn't even taste it. Were they just very tiny? Yeah, kindergarten, I was eating so much fucking ants. No, I um yeah, there was ants on a log which was I think raisins on peanut butter and cellery. Yeah, And I thought it would be funny to throw on some I want to buy yourself or to like, was your brother there? No, Rusty was there? We got we got we know it was Rusty. Rusty was in my like it was before this was I was probably hang out with like a guy named Dale or something. I had this guy named Buck, which is a great name, Buck on our softball team. And he bet me, I bet him twenty bucks that he wouldn't put his face in a fire ant pile and like smash it around. I think I have smio used the Buck. He hit it though, He just threw his face in his fire ampile and just and he got up and he has a half a tooth and he hit a softball like six, like no bullshit, like siet. This guy was an animal. He definitely had killed people. Can you look him up? Where is Buck? I don't know it's last thing? Oh my god, I don't think he had one. Was he screaming in horror? No, he loved it. I honestly think he would have done it just for kicks. He would have bade me money. He would probably do something like that for kicks. Yeah. I was like, um, I was a kid that would I do something like just to get attention? There was that a day, you know, Dave to show Dave that was like his who remember that? Yeah? That was his whole identity as an adolescent is just that he's the one that will do insane things, flaming his face and like putting. Yeah, and then he kills his old self by drowning him and putting. Remember, Yeah, he's like, I don't want to be that guy anymore. Who's just the goofy guy that a lot? I bet that? Why do you love that show so much? Oh? Yeah, he's a Jewish like want like artist that shouldn't be an artist. His parents are successful and everyone's telling him that he probably shouldn't be doing this because he should just be an accountant and his parents don't really get it. Yeah, amount you probably were the goopball because the other day someone said you were telling us they used to call you a sexual ace or something. Just I was just a sexual for a lot of mine. But someone called you a sexual something like an a sexual. Remember someone you were saying that your nickname and I was like, You're part of your nickname was a sexual? I just think, oh I don't remember. I remember someone hadn't given you that moniker and I was like, you guys came up with a sexual maybe a sexual dead again virgin or something. You were just it was some guy that you like. It looks like a Lathar Lethary, Like you were compared to some guy that's like a guy that has a lot of sex. But they were calling you the a sexual blah bla Castanza. Oh, I was in a sexual Costanza. Costanza doesn't have a lot of sex, less than but he's definitely not a sexual motivated by women. It's so funny that you used to and that it wasn't about being a sexual. It was about like being anxiety. But so often I think we we do that where we make up that we are this thing so that it it's okay to get away with the thing that we're really dealing with, which is a totally different thing. Like you weren't a sexual, You just had an anxiety and your anxiety about getting HIV or just like we're already having it, or like I don't know, my brain kept you from having sex, which you shouldn't have kept me from having sex because if I thought I had it, I shouldn't be having sex. But you were still jerking off that you weren't a sexual you were still getting like bonus and sexual jerk off. They don't have any They put their own dick in there, but they don't do that. Notes, really, is that what you did? You put your own dick in your butt? Been on my own nippis through your asshole dick in it? Um, wait, tell me again, because you did reference this the other day. You once put your penis in your asshole. No, no, that was Ian oh Ian finance did that. That's right. I tried, you tried. I never got in there. But you have to go through their over the balls to travel, like through the woods, you pack up a little suitcase where like send them off, like I hope you can get over that. My dick ran away from my own body to my asshole but never made it. It It got scared of my God, I see it getting to the precipice of it, like to the you know, the edge of a volcano, and just being like like about to fall in and being so scared more like I want to go back. Well, it's because like my dick wouldn't even fund my own assholet because my asshole is not that attractive, right, My dick is like no, I'm good. I'm good. I yeah. I mean, like there's so many things I think in my life that I've covered up, like because I didn't want the real truth out there, right, Like I was just scared of roller coasters or whatever, so I used to say I would get sick because that's an easier thing to like no one can debate, like, oh, my stomach hurts, so I don't want to go on the roller coaster as opposed to like I just am scared or um, you know, even having an eating disorder being like I am. For a while, I was like I'm vegan because it was just like, okay, that's an excuse to not ever eat anything that's around. I mean, I'm vegan for different reasons, but a lot of times, uh, people needing disorders claimed to be like gluten free, Like they just make up things so that they can not have to eat things in public with people and not make it a thing of like I want to lose weight. I you know, I just get so much more hate if you're I'm watching my figure. If you said you're allergic to alcohol, like I don't. I don't eat sugar. It's a choice that I make because I'm just it just leads me. I just avoid it because it leads me down a road that I don't like. Um, because I just can't stop. But um, well, that's so what's the difference though that I'm just wondering because like at well, for me, it's just that triggers my obsessive thoughts about food. When I start eating sugar, I can't stop thinking about the sugar I ate. I want more, but I also feel terrible that I ate it. It's just like a battle that I don't even want to take part in. But isn't that battle disorder? Yeah, So I avoid eating it because I don't want to feel that The feeling comes what I eat it. It doesn't come from not eating it, but saying like, I don't want to eat sugar because it makes me fatter. It's not about making me that would get more. Oh yeah. The other day on Perfect Strangers Too, there was some cookies that they had for a scene, and they went out of their way to make vegans sugar free cookies so that I could eat them, And I was like, I just don't want cookies. I already had breakfast. I'm gonna have lunch right after the scene. I don't want cookies right now, regardless of what they're made of. Um, this isn't And but I felt pressured to eat the cookies because I'm on camera the other actors in the scene or eating cookies, and I just I hated it because I because if I didn't eat the cookies, then I look like a woman who's like dieting, when really it's they'll go, well, they're vegan. Why wouldn't you eat them? Then you gotta go, well because they're sugar and them, and they go, well, they're sugar free, because I don't want to take something that doesn't because you know what, people just eat whatever the fund is put in front of them. And I'm not one of the those people, Like I liked, I value my meals. I want what I put in my body to be what I want, not what is just laying around. But it really has a lot of stigma to it if you don't eat, especially if you're a thinner woman, who why why why do you mean you don't need to not eat these? Just eat them because you're already thin, Like it's like that kind of thing. It's like um or people do with the alcohol all the time. Too. They're like, just have to drinks. Oh, you're allergic. It's the same. Yeah, it's the same ship of the same like alcoholic. If I said to people, I go again, drink alcohol, my body, I have an allergic reaction and I'll get really read break out in handcuff break. They'll joke people when I stopped drinking. When I stopped drinking and all my other friends were drinking and we would go out and everything, and people be like, oh, so, what are you gonna drink? What are you gonna drink? It got easier to like tell people that I was an alcoholic, which is why I'm not drinking, than just being like I'm not drinking. I like about that. They want to bottom, they want to rock bottom to understand, because alcoholic is almost the same as saying I am a sexual. It just goes right to the being a sexual. It's not an easy thing to admit either, but it's easier than saying I have anxiety about catching aids uh. Saying I'm an alcoholic shuts people up quicker than I don't know. I just I realized it wasn't doing for me what I wanted it to do anymore, and I it doesn't, but just have one. Okay, well that's not really it's not even worth it. It's just a whole conversation. Alcohol shuts people up. I mean, people always just to be like, Nikki, what is all this food? You know this was before I like found recovery for eating stuff. But they'd be like they make comments and or you know, if I was going to eat, if I was beginning like my binge, people would see my food and just be like, what the hell is this? And I just go, oh, I have an eating disorder, you know, Like I just I just wanted to cut through it because it's just like, shut up. I don't want to explain this. I don't want to have to make I don't want to make excuses. I just want to tell the truth without and and And people get mad though, because they because people take everything personally. We have such egos that if something you're doing is somehow affects me. If you don't drink, then you must think I'm a bad person for drinking. And so now I'm mad that you're not drinking, you're not eating cookies. Oh my god, Well then you don't want a hamburger? Oh you have? You have people go like and people get jealous of people who are trying to lose weight, which I guess not even cookies always looks like you're trying to lose weight. Not my goal. But um, other people get mad about that because they're like, well, I either they can't do that or they don't want to do it, and so they're just like, but you have to be like I don't want to have to do what you're doing. I felt that. I feel that way all the time. About is there any food that you fantasize about eating now that you know the other day, Robin asked me because I eat really healthy, and she's like, I was just wondering, like for you, what would you eat if you could just eat anything? And I was like, literally this, I don't. I like what I really like. What I eat, It like is what I crave. It's what I think about when I wake up. I'm eating what I want and just so happens. What I want is the thing that maybe someone else would go, oh my god, that seems so sad. Were similar like that where we could eat the same thing every single day. Yeah, no, I don't. I don't fantasize about food. I used to fantasize about food. When I starved myself, I would think about food twenty four hours a day. That's all I would think about. Is just like you know, I remember on old Survivor episodes when I watched that show, they would just lay around on the sand bank like so tired, and they would just go pizza, like can you think about like like think about just like melted stringy cheat. They would just imagine food. And that was what it is like being interactic. You just think about food constantly. You watch I watched the Food Network all the time. All I wanted to think about was food. And now I just I feed myself, so there's no fantasy of food. Yeah, it's interesting because like with alcohol, like if you you you don't drink like non alcoholic beer too, you don't have to drink non alcoholic beer to get through a day, but you have to eat, so you're whatever you're dealing with, that disorder happens every day. Now. Granted I could drink liquids, which might remind me of liquor or whatever, but you know what I mean, Like it doesn't you don't have to do that every day, But with food, you have to do every day. But it's not about the food. It's about the feeling. Like if you know I felt that way with wheat, you know, like there's it's not about like, oh, I'm certainly if you're like starving yourself, you're gonna you're close to going off the edge with to some foods that might fuck your mind up. But if you're if you're satiated and don't have hunger. Um, I am drawn to over eating when I'm saciated because of feelings, but that has nothing to do with me being like I'm depriving myself of food. It's me clicking into like I want to fucking push down this feeling and this thing tastes good, and I just it's just like doing a drug. So it's not motivated by being hungry. It's motivated by being unstable, which is something that you have to take care of in another way. I had a thought the other day. I actually wrote about it when I said I was like three years without alcohol where I'm like all I want is like a nice glass of red wine with a with like a steak, And then I thought about it. I was like I've never done that, Like I've never done that though, like I had these like your mom swimming in the ocean. Yeah, you're romanticizing this thing that has never even happened. If you deprive yourself of it for the rest of your life, it doesn't matter because you never even did. You know what I mean is drinking bourbon, reading the paper in my study. It's like, no, you don't like you like I drink Yeager bombs and threw up on my own dick while bragging about football, Like I didn't you know what I mean? Like, it's what we see on We glamorize these like scenes of drinking on TV and in movies, when really the reality is never that for us. Dude, every show now has a scene where someone goes to a glass even you know, because people you know what it is. I don't think people can't smoke anymore on movies, so then they just now they have, you know, alcohol. That's why it's in every single I mean, mad Men, every scene was a guy drinking. But like even now though it's like, uh, my kid is uh. Euphoria is just it's turned into like a but it's not wrong when it is people, No, no, I'm not, You're right. It annoys me because it makes it seem like that is a normal thing and like the the only way to soothe feeling like you just went through a breakup or you're mad, you had a rough day. Oh I need I need a drink. It's like a punchline when someone walks in the room, like does anyone have bourbon? You know, like our is that whiskey in there? Give me something? Then like chugging it and people go like when a fucking woman has just had a long day and drinks a bunch or takes a shot because oh I got you know, I lost my fucking fucking Yeah, it's gonna say, child, but maybe you deserve it then, but um, but the thing is it, that's what they're doing. Is not like cheers into a bad day. They're numbing pain, and so that is accurate, Like that's what it does. So it does do that for a while, and then the pain is waiting for you with a headache and nausea and all the dumb things you texted people the next day. The pain is not going away. It's just a band aid for it, which is fine in the moment, but then you've got to keep drinking to keep it away. It will come back up. And that's the thing that I don't think those shows. Yeah, look, if the show was just like, hey, let's go get you know, like how I met your mother where they drink in a bar where they're just having like a good time, I'm all for that, like whatever. But if it's like I'm alone and I'm sad and it's I'm gonna knock back three bottles of booze and I'll feel better because I did this. Oh man. I used to steal my mom's cigarettes on long late at night when I would stay up all night writing an essay senior year of high school. Person, I would go steal them and sit on the front porch and just like be like, God's fucking roth writing to say about King. Why does it You're like a detective, like having to stay upon nighting you got And I remember look at my dogs Speedo and just be like, can you get it? Speed I just like stare him down and like he'd be out in the yard and I'd be like God, and I feel so like I felt like it was in a movie. It's like crying in the show. Sometimes in the shower, I imagine I'm in a movie. To just get the tears going like the we are so motivated and everything we do by entertainment. Let's get Let's take a break and come back and talk a little bit more about this. Andrew, we're back. I want to tell you what I just did. What do you mean so I picked you up this morning and we tell you were at Starbucks? I picked you a scoop up then yea vents. Yeah, some people said they got my drink order recently and they said it was pretty damn good. Listen, I'm not wrong, it's good, simple, I just haven't. I do have anxiety about people trying the things I eat, because the things I eat are always everyone just looks at them like they're so sad. So I think that when people do the things I do, they're going to go, this is your life, even though I like it. Does that make sense? Yes it does, But I think it'd be like someone trying the sex move that you talked about, where you do like the reverse cowgirl with your open and someone did that and goes, that's stupid. My dick doesn't need to like whenever, when has ever anyone copied you and said that's this tastes like ship? So many times people have looked at my food and gone, oh my god. That's they just judge it by looking at So I'm scared that once they try it, they'll be like, oh my god, Whereas if they don't try it, I can always just be like, well it does taste good. You just don't know. Well, there is the guy that like or the girl that like, I get chicken parm how are you going to get it? You know, they're at dinner and they get mad. Stand when people do that. I mean, I think I've been very clear about that that I'm always the last to order because I never want and I have had so many times where people go, actually, I'm going to change my order hers and I blood starts trickling out of my mind. No. I do want to eat when I want to eat, But I just feel like they think that they think that what I ordered will work for them, when really I have mine has gone through rigorous testing to get to the point where I know what I want. I am so so it's like someone getting a special in their first year of comedy, just like you like on HBO, and they haven't worked as hard. I am a unique person who has you taste, and I just don't think that that person is honoring what they really want. They just are trying to be someone else is my thing and I and I think that that makes me mad because it's like I I, it just makes me sad for them, and it makes me, I think mad because I'm just like, if it honestly sounds good to you, that's fine, But like I think you're just trying to be me a little bit, and I think it's just a little bit sad, and it shows me like it just it makes me not respect you as much because there's no way you want what I just ordered. It's so weird and so are so specific, exactly the whole ship food food, no Starbucks, yeah, but like starbugs. Yeah. I don't drink that much coffee. I was in a big coffee head throughout my whole and yeah, I get coffee black with two sugars. I don't know how to examined why it bothers me so much when people it, but I think it's because I there, you're not gonna like this, Just get what you like. Don't you know what you like? It makes me I didn't know what, Yeah, that's it makes me? What's about respect? It's not even about. It's not even because people want people to know what they because I want people to get what they want, not what they think. I want them to get that. But that's not why I get it. I'm telling you that you when you say, oh, that sounds good, I want to try it, But I think, why can't you look at a menu and go, like, actually, that sound I feel? It's so much where like sometimes I'll go with oat milk because if I go with almond milk, which I actually do like to taste better, you'll think, well, I actually told you that it was less calories one time, and you're not going to oat milk, which you really want to oat milk, or you would get me soy milk instead of almond milk at times. So yeah, so it's not the same because I just I'm like, I'm I'm doing something for that is for my sanity, and you're trying it's gonna fuck you. That's what it's about. That's what I was asking. I was like, I think it's about it's like your own specific order that that you're doing it for your like because of of I don't know, like your sanity, like right, but for me it's just like it's just a call, Like I'm not even thinking. I'm just like, oh, that sounds pretty good, Like yeah, I always go like, but you always liked the taste of this thing. Why are you switching to this other thing? Because you think it's more like I'm just trying to avoid people doing diety things. Yes, you don't like other people doing diety things. Yes, but I do diety things not because I'm trying to lose weight, but because I know that they'll funk up my mind, Whereas I think other people that I don't think you have eating disorder issues. So I'm just like, why not enjoy the thing that you actually want. You don't have sugar issues, so why wouldn't you get the thing that has something that will make it taste better in the moment for you because you like the taste of things that taste. But here's the thing I am currently, I'm overweight, right, Like if you had to say, like what my weight should be by a doctor's standpoint, and like what my cholesterol is, I should be probably founds lighter. It's fine, it is what it is, right, So if I decide, hey, I want a salad, I don't want to eat that bread, right, and then if you get offended by me not eating the bread, you're like, well, you should enjoy the bread. You like bread, but I also probably should be healthier, you know what I mean. So it has nothing to do with you, but it projects onto other people's eating. No, no, no, I definitely, which is fine because at the end of the day, like, I just want people to be happy, and like you don't want them to feel like, feel deprived. You want people to diet around me. I hate people dieting around me. It just really because for me, diet equals they're hungry and miserable and distracted and not present. And like, I just know when people if I watch you just have a salad that has no protein, no cheese, minimal dressing, I just know you're gonna be hungry. If I have a salad what I eat, if I watch what you, you would be pissed because I can't help it. I'm just admitting what's no, no, no, I'm angry about this at all. I'm just saying, like you say, I'm angry about it. You just had a little salent. No, I had eggs, fruit and cereal. What I'm just saying is I don't want to be around people who are dieting because not because they're getting thinner than me. And I'm jealous that they're doing this thing because I know they're not going to be present. They're going to I know what it's like to be hungry, They're going to be distracted, They're not going to be as good a good and as good of a mood, and I don't want to be around you. So honestly, it makes me want to just leave a situation when I'm with people who have not eaten enough and I can't help it, but I do know how much people have eaten. And if I'm with people for seven hours, I know if someone because they start getting cranky, I can tell you. I can tell if you've eaten breakfast in the morning when we when I when we do this podcast, I can tell already. Did you think you knew I ate breakfast? Well, I told you I ate breakfast. No, but I just knew you did, because there's I just I just knew because there was just I just I'm so in tune with that stuff that I just know and I don't, and then I feel guilty when I want to leave a situation because people are dieting, because that's not when people go why do you want to leave? I just I guess I could just say I don't feel good, because it's truth is I don't. I just say, wait, So what happened at Starbucks? So we went to Starbucks? I mean, this is what it is, went to the A t M machine a t M machine machine machine, and we I'm at the A t M and the A t M is right next to a like one of those guys. It's like, hey, you want to go out on a watch it, you want to go para sailing, you want to go zip planning. I got adventures for you, like one of those kiosks. Because there's a lot a lot of tourists in this area. At the t M, it's I already said hi to the guy who's calling people in, and I'm pressing the buttons trying to figure out how many paces and doing the conversion and stuff. And then this guy comes up to the window to talk to the woman about excursions and he's like, I wanna I want to swim with dolphins. I want my kids swim with dolphins. And I just I'm like, I'm just like looking, and then and then the woman is opening the brochure and he's like, so, how much does this trip? And I go, don't do that. Oh, I just want you to know. They abuse those dolphins, and that a family vacation. He was. The family wasn't with him. He goes what and I go, they abuse those dolphins. They're meant to be wild animals in there in a tank and their lives are miserable. Just so you know, I know it seems fun, but I swear to God, going to see I said, whale watching is probably just as much money, and it's and it's out in the wild and you're not disturbing, and you're witnessing a wild animal who's happy. What did he do? I gave him. It's not like I was being rude. I was saying. I was saying, fact, invitables are abuse, and also your kids will get so much more enjoyment out of seeing a wild animal and that and they aren't contributing. I didn't say all that, but I go, I think, I go, whale watching is incredible. You can see a live animal that's not abused. And he just goes, okay, um, I want to I want my kids to swim with dolphins and says back to the woman, because I just want to swim with some dolphins that I was insane, and you know what, I did not care. It was very awkward. It was not something I wanted to do. I don't want confrontation. I don't want to make someone feel bad about what they're gonna do. I really don't. I just want to give people facts. And obviously I offered a solution. I wasn't just like you're a bad person. I was just like, hey, here's some information. Totally fine, but here's another thing you could do. And he just goes. He looked at me like I was crazy, and then just goes, my kids want to swim with dolphins, and though and he goes back to the brochure, and I was just like okay, and I just went back to the A T. M. And then it didn't work and I and then he but I will say, he has no He walked away from the booth without doing the dolphin thing. He looked at the brochure and then he because I think he didn't want to kid did get to him. I'm not kidding you, and I bet you anything. He went back to his kids, and let's say his kids have a little bit more empathy than he doesn't went back to his kids and was like, some crazy lady just told me they abused the dolphins. Maybe his daughter goes, say what, and maybe she'll google it and learn and say I'm not going. You know, it could could create a ripple effect, or it could create you know, trump. I believe in it even harder. Fuck the dolphins. Yeah, listen, a lot of people, I wish I would have swum with dolphins before I learned it was a bad thing to do. It seems like a real fun thing. But we both wanted to be see world people. Because I went to see world. Once I go I want to do I want to ride a fucking whale. Is the way it felt about, Like the leaked nudes of celebrities. I wish I would have looked before I knew it was bad to look. You know, it's an invasion of their privacy, so you can't look. But I'm like, God, damn it. I that's the way I say about drinking. I'm like, if you haven't quit drinking yet, you're going to at some point, you're gonna If you're aware of self aware enough. Person, you clearly have a problem. Person who gets hung over constantly. Just enjoy your life right now, have fun, gets drunk and fuck fucking ride it off. Funk it dolphin. Here's the thing I was thinking about this analogy the whole time. A Guys, when we put our dick to our assholes, we don't want to necessarily, We just want to see if we can. And it's the same thing as taking your tongue and seeing if you can touch your nose. It's the same exact feeling a guy gets. You can't do it. What touch your dick to your nose ahole from around go around my head and around the back. People that can do that, but to touch their like their own assholes, Oh yeah, yeah, it's incredible. Is it like sexual? When you see that? When you see women that are like really bendy, I always know that, Like if a woman to do a little, guys are like whoa sex. Some girls will like put their legs so far, like literally like and like then their vagina is like here, and it's it's a little like whoa she could follower like like circus, it's too circus, like almost yeah, it's almost like circus. So what did you call you? Which makes sense like it's like it sounds like it's French French, but it sounds like Spanish circ c I R qu E do do you sol s O L E I L which is get to the news. I got a piece so bad. Sorry your first welcome back from the bathroom. Man. Yeah, I just went to the bathroom. I realize you have a bathtub in your bedroom, yes, which is wild on it? I did. I pissed in it, and then I took a ship in your shower. But don't worry about it. Your shower is in your clots. No. I was just saying to you that you either you're rich. When you're rich, your bathtubs in your bedroom, when you're poor you're in New York, and your showers in your kitchen. I remember my buddy Casey and J. F. Harris or something, I forget it. They had a shower in their kitchen, like full on shower in their kitchen. Oh my god, so gross, so funny. It's kind of cool though, you could like cook eggs. Well, fucking I. Have you ever eaten in the shower? Eaten in the shower? Yeah? Yeah, I had a beer in the shower. I mean that was my whole twenties. You might as well just gonn Well it was just yeah, I drink beer once a week. All right, what's the first news story? That news? Here it comes? I saw. Actually, someone wrote me a messager like, can no one read the news because you seem to not like get through it? And I was like, we could try. Will you try reading the news? Yeah? No, you read the news and will react. Yeah. I like that. It's not a bad idea, it really is. Honestly I read it. I didn't get offended at all. I go, yeah, I got a point. Listens and no one's got a good news voice. That's just knowing yourself, no one. I like the way Andrew reads the news, even if it's quirky. That's such a sweet way to say it. I have all the swell, by the way, and it's Wednesday, so you know, what's the news today. Let's try something new, okay. Um Beach goers witness a fifteen foot shark kill a swimmer in Sydney. People who were fishing off the nearby shoreline heard the swimmers screaming terror and saw the entire attack unfold god in a video, A shark was lurking around, and the guy recording gilled out, someone just got eaten by a shark. Oh man, Oh no, that's insane. Police say when they arrived they could still see human remains in the water. Oh my god, wait do they know who it is? They haven't identified the person who was eaten just yet. Fuck? What kind of can we see the video? Or is it really scary? And like is it all blurred out? I think it's the guy that didn't swim with the dolphins he went on the whale. He's like, you know what, I'll swim in the wild. It's better, don't abused. Oh my god, that's so fucking sad. And so do you do? Do you take out your camera and fucking film? Dude? What do you do if you see someone being eaten by shark? I mean nothing. I don't have the ability to do anything about that. Like it's it's kind of like I don't know, I don't know. I boy, they witnessed him, like the guy was screaming that he was a man already like dead. Uh they heard a scream and then when the police arrived there were body parts in the wall. Oh god, there's a video of it. Fuck yeah, Oh my god, waits again, can we see surfer? It's gonna be blurry. It's right there. Oh there's a big blowtout blurred out like body and then the birds land on it. Oh my god, the birds are all going crazy around it. Well that's a big blur. It is insane. Oh no, god, okay, this is probably Do you want me to stop it. I can't keep going. Oh my god, dude, you see like big, Oh my god, Wow, Glazer is definitely going to try to find that unblurred footage. Do you think there's another shark being? Like? God, you ate what I wanted to eat? Oh my god, we just ran out. That was the last one we had. Sorry, you know what I like? Yeah, we just ran out of human swimming. Man a swimming who's swimming? Where the shark like surf? Well, I don't blame the victim, dude, don't blame the victim. This is the circle of life that guy was. Let me just say though, that was some really deep rough water that that guy was swimming in. Maybe he was out there surfing. Did that look like surfing? Dimes? Oh fuck, dude, oh you know what? Like I can't wait till we find out about this guy what his life was like. I'm so sorry to anyone who was affected by that. It's so so sad. And I will try to watch this footage. I don't know, there's something about I've never even seen Jaws, that movie because I'm so scared of stuff like the documentary. But I um, okay, I'll stop. This sucks, No, this really sucks. Would you want to watch the actual footage of that because we just saw the blur? No, no, no, would you want to go find the actually probably watch it. I generally don't like to see scary things, but that one, I just like, that is so fucking that really strikes my more. But curiosity, yeah, it does me too. If it was on TikTok in the background music was like a BC you know, like a fun song, oh no no no no, no, no, no, no, no whatever that if it's like a fun dance outside of you know, balance or someone just like where it's in the background, in the person's head is like hearing that guy going oh no, I hate talks where they go over the green screen, like they'll be showing a clip and they'll go like and then if they're like interrupting it with their big stupid head. I hate those like reactionary videos. That's a reactionary video. I mean, I just think that the It's just there's some things on TikTok that I don't understand why they're popular because they look such ship what's annoying to me. Technology is so good, and some things look so like the ones that even the woman's voice of like I tried to trick my husband into thinking that I was an intruder. It's like, why don't you just say it? Yeah? Also, it's really funny to be like you're putting your head in an already very captivating video, like it's one thing to do reactionary video, do a song or whatever, but like you know, guy's getting eaten by his shark, and you're like they can never do it smoothly. They're always come in like it's never like a smooth they don't ever go like it like I'm gonna make this shark getting eating about me and the camera shaky like it just it boggles my I just don't understand what that person that that that kind of thing on top. I don't know how to do it. I would probably be very easy because everyone can do it. But yeah, Okay, that was insane and I'm really really sorry. But like I want to I'm I'm interested in more details. I mean, there are some stories that I'm on the edge of my fucking seat about, like what's going to happen X, Like I know that we're going to find out who that guy was more about the story. There's probably gonna be more footage that comes out. I do though, if I ever get eaten by a shark. I wanted to be in Australia because I want when people say no for it to say no, no, no, no no I. It sounds much more satisfying. I love an Australian. No. It's all you have to do to do in Australia. No. The trick is you take the word of NOI and you take off the first uh and you just say no, no no no no I just say no I, no no, no no and just do it more like no no no no were it sounds like you're mocking my name. No no no. Alright, next news story, No you did great, Oh my god, that was so good. And she even did a dramatization in her voice that was you know what I'm always afraid you're gonna cut me off, so I get afraid that I'm not getting through it in time. A good point. I probably would, but you're not going to cut off Noah. Noah doesn't feel that because I'm compelled to hear the end of the sentence like aft sharp, I'm trying to read as I'm like no, NICKI no, no, no, you're annoying me. All right, here we go, Okay. A girl who went missing more than two years ago at the age of four was found alive by police hidden underneath a staircase in a New York home. Oh my god, that's the greatest. Detective detectives removed several of the wooden steps in a basement, and that is when detectives saw a pair of tiny feet. After removing several more steps, the child and her abductor were discovered within. The space was small, cold, and wet. Authorities believe she was taken by her non custodial parents, and police had previously followed leads to the residents where she was ultimately found, but said that each time the residents had denied any knowledge of the girl's whereabouts. So they go, why would they even take apart the staircase. It was just because it needed Like, the cops went over and we're like, it's a little creeky, We're going to back and fix with fix it. Oh, so they were looking for her and they had a feeling that they must have gotten Yeah, they must have gotten a lead that there was something happening in the basement underneath the staircase. Where in New York or like no, no, no, it's like some city like upstate christ I mean I always think about that, like, you know, all the women right now that are or you know, men, but mostly women who are in some fucking psychos chamber. Do you want to see what it looks like? It's it's kind of yes, I'd rather watch a shark attack again. There is a panda pillow that is like, looks like it's crying. It looks like from South Park And oh that's so said, And the captor was in there with her fucking disgusted. Everyone want be quiet? Yes, yes, oh my god, that poor baby. What the rent was in New York for their Oh yeah, I mean is there a shower in there? Um that little staircase part that's got to be at least Yeah, there's a little like girls boot next to it. Oh my god, imagine the guy getting into the stairs picked up and he's like, oh we just I'm just here, like he's trying to still get out of it, like it's the most obvious thing. Yeah, a oxen free Marco. My grandpa used to do this thing where we would play. He would we'd play hide and seek, and then he would never come look for us. That's so and my parents loved it. My parents would laugh so hard, and I knew there was something up about this game because my parents would go Bob play hide and seek with the kids and they'd laugh and laugh and laugh. And I didn't hide that long because I was onto them eventually. But he would just have us go high high and then he never come find us. And then you just gets kind of genius. It's like when I used to play a doctor with kids. I babysat for where I was like, you have to you can just like I'm a dead patient and you have to operate on me, and then I get to take a nap. I just get to lay there about kids like where like just my knee, you're gonna you're a knee surgeon and they just like tinker on my knee. Yeah. Yeah, How long was it long as you think you hit four before you really probably ten minutes. I mean, kids, attention spans are not that. It just me. I think I caught on quicker than I just knew something was up because my dad was laughing too hard. You can't oh sorry, go ahead. Oh. I was gonna ask if you have like a go to spot. I think I always picked closets and clothes and I would hide. I would try to hide on top of something and then hide within the clothes. But I also have like I used to come up with ideas for because I was so obsessed with being kidnapped and like someone breaking into my house and like someone and where I would hide. And I came up with an idea for um, under the bed. You would have a bed that is very high off the ground, and it would have a chain like a storage unit that you could hide in up. So you go under the bed and then you climb up into a little recessed thing that hung down and you would be able to stay there and protect yourself from intruders. And I used to think, I'll make my bed after I get out of it. To make it look like no one was in it and then go under and I could sell these beds to make people feel so. As a child, I came up with many inventions like this. Um also one where you have a long tube that you put your cigarette on so that you could smoke in the car with kids, but your kids won't get a headache and the cigarette would go out the window and then you would suck it and then you would have another tribe where you would blow out the smoke and it would go out the car. Everything about just putting a smaller contraption on top of the scuba snorkele. No I did it. That could have worked. Did you ever do the thing where you go they go, hey, I bet you can't get that in twenty seconds, and yeah you end up like kids you just like, but you can't. You just make them wrong, back and forth, run around to tire them divorced. That's what my dad didn't to me. I got it done to uh Noah. What's our last news story? Okay? All right. Mark Zuckerberg, who is on a rebranding mission, announced that employees at the social media giant will now refer to each other as metamates metamates because the metaverse like veggie mite metamates. I mean, does he want us to like him? Ever? That is the I just like someone that gets made fun of so much for being so lame. Why would you ever think that would make He's David Koresh. If David Koresh had a billion dollars like he has the same but because he has so much money, everyone's just like we're metamates like money and power equally, like a thought that you wonder if they thought it was cool that his employees, you know, I wonder if they all kind of sneaker to themselves besties that are like you know what I mean, like is it well, we know that besties is like the thing that people say besties all the time, is I rolly? And it's just like but I we kind of took that from that, Yes, took that from its fans meta mads from my cop No, No, I can't meta mades. It's this is all over the internet yesterday. I read it so many places. I didn't know what playoff of. Oh yeah, go ahead, and Noah, sorry, I'm reading your launch okay. Um. The term is apparently a play on the naval inspired slogan. Use that Instagram ship shipmates self. I don't know what that means, the word mates. You never want to throw that into something because mate, it just is like playmate any mate. Yeah. He just wants control over people. That's all it's about. And I love that Social Network movie. Though he was he was good in that. He wasn't even then it, but I liked I liked that movie. So Jesse Eisenberg, Oh my god, that movie is so good. It's also so Jesse Eisenberg's great. He plays that like weird kind of smart character. I wonder if he's smarting life. He is, he is, but mostly like most actors, Abdy's a little bit boring. He lives in Wisconsin and he loves stand up apparently really Okay, Hi does he see me? And I'm going to Wisconsin on my tour. I got a lot of dates coming up. By the way, Where are we going? Austin? Uh, Jacksonville another place in Florida. Um, I kind of want to stay at the hotel where Bob. I just want to. I think I'm playing the same venue that Bob played on the last night before he died. I don't know what I I just for some reason, I want to like stay at the same hotel. Is this what's is that weird of me? Yeah? It is right. Just there's something about like the like you know, on Reddit, I follow like last images, like I just like to hear like the last thing this person did the last like mike, this guy to use the same Mike he grabbed, like I want to just like I don't know what it is. I don't know. I mean, I'm sure he wouldn't be happy about that. No, I think he. Honestly, I think I I reasoned everything. Every time I make a Bob saggage like guy, sometimes I'm like, I make jokes referencing what happened to him because it's I think it's like, honestly, I think he would chuckle at it, and I think he would make the same joke if some other comedian died for stuff and then the same brass he'd go it's horrible, but also this is hilarious. We make jokes because we're in pain. Let's go to break and come back again. No, that was a great job. Can I just say one thing? All our mena mate, uh menamates? Don't you call them that? Okay, I know, no it's better than me. I don't need messages telling me that I know. Okay, Yes, I don't like that. I don't just like that either. We are back from break. We do not Andrew does not need to hear that Noah's better. We're going to keep in the news segment. And it's not because she's better. It's like we need more no one the show anyway. She she organizes the news stories anyway for you to read. So it's just this is less work for you to do, and we have more. You can now react more. So I'm not even going to pick the stories anywhere. I don't even think you need to. I trust Noah. Noah. I okay, Andrew picks the stories, but I kind of like you not knowing the stories and reacting with me. How about this, though Noah might write one line that I still get to say in the news, Oh, I like that word. Hate that. No you always give him the most sentence. Alright, Let's I don't do it intentionally, can we do? Why do I care? Yes? I think you'll really like why do I care? I have a feeling I will I just why do I care? Why do I care? Um? All right, so this is from BuzzFeed. I totally stole it. It's time for you to figure out if these quotes are from Taylor Swift or Shakespeare. I'm gonna do it me, bitch. Yeah. I feel like if you don't get this right, you should lose your tailor cards. I will say though, that I am not familiar with her first album, Taylor Swift. I do not have that one memorize Shakespeare. Yeah, So if if it's either Taylor was first album or Sakespeare or Taylor Swift the last eight albums, all right, let's go. I don't want to look at you know, I do I know Big Beth, king Lear and Roman and Juliet. All right, first one, Long were the nights when my days once were led around you? Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you? Do you think it's Hamlet? Okay? Pretty in the Okay, so it's Taylor al right? Next okay, next one, he wore a scarf, the old boat tug bug. You know what, even whatever, something mighty sword has fallen into my chest. My blood exists. Oh my god, we should try to quote Shakespeare and try to get anything right. Okay, No, I keep going. Okay, cowards die many times before their deaths Shakespeare. Takespeare. It's the only thing that I could think of that while would be And is the song Innocent, which is about Kanye, but she's actually forgiving him in that song. Okay, next one, Whether whether be the frost or the violence of the dog Spere Shakespeare. I don't know, no frost. No, I didn't freeze. I'm waiting to see if you have an answer. I'm gonna go with Taylor, actually, because I could tell about your expression that you were surprised if you didn't know, Yes, sailor, but rather be the frost or the violence of the dog Days? Is that from It's got to be from a Taylor Swift song from the album Taylor Swift. Uh yes, let me just look that up because I thought you would get it right. Oh my god, be the frost from Nevermore? Whoa, Oh you know what it's probably from? Is it from the Lakes? Be the Frost? Taylor. I'm letting everyone down. Um, it's from It's from the It's from Evermore. I really don't like that song. I'll stand by it. It's from the song Evermore. I don't know that song I just don't like bony be just like it's just he I just he bugs me his voice. Sorry, just fired. Okay. Next one that my castle crumbled overnight, Taylor, my castle crumbled overnight. Some of them have, but they're both actually, I mean, I think we just have a couple of more. Uh, this is the very ecstasy of love. That's gotta be Shakespeare. No, that's Taylor Shakespeare. We're one, We're tied. This is the last one. Okay, though there's two more. Okay, just twin fire signs Taylor or blue Eyes twin fire signs for blue Eyes, Tawn down, turner down. Okay. Last one my crown, mine own ambition, and my Queen. That's Shakespeare, dude. Yeah, it's gotta be a c Yeah, you're right, all right. That was fun, thank you? Noah. Yeah, that's a fun sift action. I kind of want to do something else to where it's like is it the Wire or Snoop Dogg album, you know, or like we could that could be fun. I think there's a lot of games like that online that we could just steal from BuzzFeed work. Yeah, let's listen to another podcast what they're doing. Yeah, I mean morbid. Um oh this is this is the Morbid Girls talking about the shark attack. Out Man was brutally ripped to shreds in the bay of the off the coast of Sydney. People watched on and as his limbs were torn from his torso, and he cried in agony as no one came to his rescue. Did it? Was there any other like swimmers or or something? Oh? Yikes, boo boo, oh my god, bad day Monday. Can we get the more wear girls on our show? Can we figure that out? Have them tell us a story. I don't think they'll appreciate us making fun of the Yeah, yes, um, but as they I mean, uh pun intended. Um, let's get to our Wild Wednesday, Wacky Wild Wednesday segment of the week. This time we're playing the perel board game where should we begin? And Noah owns it, And so she is going to pick a card which is a topic of which we should tell a story that is related to this topic. And then um, she's going to pick the sentence structure for which will begin the story that correct, Noah, Yeah, there's a prompt card that sets the mood for the storytellers, like the lens. That sets the mood. And then the story card, which is the opening phrase of the story, got it, love it, let's do it okay, So the um prompt card is taboo okay, And then the sentence is a mistake I'll never make again. Taboo means you know, society labels it as like, oh my gosh, you shouldn't do that. A mistake I'll never make again is um, I will say. A mistake I will never make again is talking about my sex life in a way that implies someone else's experience by their name. That it that talking about taboo, I'll never A mistake I'll never make again is talking about my sex life in a way that someone else I'm I'm I'm describing someone else's experience which is not their own, so I can all I I From now on, I'm only going to talk about my sex life in terms of like what I experience and not what and not implying that anyone else was there, because that is kind of I've realized, not fair to the person that you share it with, that you are taking that from them of like what they experienced by me saying like I did this with blah blah, blah. That's to me. It's already taboo to talk about your sex life openly, but I'm going to from now Yeah, but um, I will do I won't do it, but by someone. If I do do it, it's going to be a vague and not implicate anyone else in it by name, uh, from now on. So that's my story because I've just realized that I think that it's it's it sucks because I'm so one who is obviously like very open about every fucking thing, especially stuff regarding sex, and sometimes the person like not everyone feels that way. Most people don't aren't the same way regarding sex. Their sucks life. But the hard part is when you talk about your sex like openly, you're always doing it with someone else if it's not masturbation. So you can't really talk about your sex life openly without including someone else unless you're cheating. Yeah, but there's a way to do it that I'm open to in which no one gets hurt, and I'm I'm trepidatous. I just want to be more mindful of that that my experience is my experience, and honestly, what I describe of of my sex life could maybe not be their experience at all, or their motivation behind what we did or whatever. Like I could say, oh, we did this because of this you can years ago? Yes I could, And that's what I will do, you know, like I will not um connect any stories I tell to like yeah, but it is weird, Like from now I'll get yes by a guy named Ricardo. Yes, it's gonna be tough if I ever get married to be like so last week fucking dude. Yeah, ghost, it's all gonna be a ghost. No, it's I does have to be a little bit. Um. I just wanna as I get older, I think that common. When I think of taboo, I think of comedy, and like the things we talk about on stage are supposed to be taboo. Were trying to challenge taboos because taboos are usually used to silence victims and to make it so like the Cosby thing, like women didn't speak out about what happened to them, or like you know, the Catholic Church makes sex such a dirty thing, and so if something dirty happens to you as a child, you're told that, like if you There was a girl the other day on Reddit I read about and she was a Filipino girl, and she was English was the second language. She's fourteen, and she said it was on true Off my Chest the subreddit, and it was like my dad, I lost my virgin and my dad he raped me and I don't know what to do it. She's fourteen, She's trying to process that English is her second language. She's like telling the whole story, and she said that most of her complaint was not like my dad, my dad did this, is that he he made me so I'm not a virgin anymore. And because she's Catholic, being a virgin is so important and she is ruined, not because she was just mad at that. She was just sad and upset of the fact that she's ruined now. And she didn't want to tell anyone because she didn't want to be ruined. Because sex is so you're supposed to be pure and you're not. So victims can't report because they are made to feel that anything they engage in sexually is First of all, abusers are are are banking on children feeling like sex is dirty and if they admit it that they're going to be at fault, and they already feel like they are at fault. Because it feels like they did something to get this, so abusers get to like run wild. If we keep making sex taboo, it's it's part of the problem. It's not the whole problem, saying that sex is is this dirty thing. I can still talk about my sex life openly, and I want to keep doing that because I want to encourage people to talk about their own sex lives openly and not make it this thing that's dirty, because it isn't. When it's done right, it's nothing to be ashamed of. You're not dirty. No, there's nothing wrong about anything sex. What do you mean, Yes, there's nothing wrong. Yes, yes, there's nothing wrong about it. But when things are when sex, which is a beautiful thing, which is the reason we all exist, when that is taboo ized whatever the word is, when that is Florida to call back, when it's florid um. That means that when bad things do happen to you, you feel like even if even if this was a good thing, I couldn't talk about it. So certainly when it's something that's bad, I definitely can't talk about it, and people always call I've read comments in my when I used to read my stepread it where people are Like Nikki always says the thing about oh, she can joke about molestation because you know, um, even though she hasn't been molested, because it makes you know, it just makes the conversation about molestation. It makes it like, let's just talk about being molested. It's a thing that happens all the time, but it is, and people go, oh, that's just such an excuse, so she can get away with doing the jokes she wants. No, it is not an excuse. It actually these things talking about being molested and being able to say people are here, are more molested. I wasn't molested, but it's a thing that I avoided just by being lucky. It wasn't because I did anything right or my parents did anything right, thus thus telling you if you were molested, it's just you were unlucky in that way. It wasn't your fault guilt. Me making jokes about molestation is me bringing up a thing because I want to talk about it. Because if you don't talk about it, the people that do it keep winning, and the people that were molested can't talk about it because they've been shaped because it's so awkward. If you tell us you're molested. That's really keep that to yourself. Just only tell a therapist about that. Why what if you can't afford a therapist, then you keep it inside. And guess who gets to keep molesting the molesters? Because if, unless, unless people can say I was raped, I was molested, that guy did something weird to me that made me feel uncomfortable, they're gonna keep doing it. And that's not me telling victims like, oh, if you don't speak up, you're creating more victims. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying we need to make it more comfortable to say I was victimized, and and by doing that sometimes joking about subjects makes them more palatable to talk about in anyway. That's my point. Um, where should you begin with your sentence? Taboo? And then you start it with a mistake I'll never make again. A mistake I'll never make again is driving after drinking. And I one time drove over a bridge the wrong way and then I was It was in Palm Beach, which is a bridge where there's definitely a lot of cops all the time. And I drove over the bridge and I got halfway over and I realized I was going the wrong way, So I paused on top of the bridge, and I go, do I whatever? You watched too many videos? He passed and you meditated for a moment. Pausing is always related with take up pause. Yeah, you stopped, but pauses just a funny you could say pause. I was just it's funny. So I paused, and I pondered, and then I breaked and then I stopped. Uh, And I was like, do I reverse? Did you Florida? Do I reverse back? Or do I go forward? And then try to because it was such there was no way to turn around. Yes, what did you? I'm guessing you just went forward, reversed all the way back down when I got dunk hammered, dude, I mean, and you know, thanks for sharing that, because saying that you've drunk drive. I drove drunk in the past so taboo. People won't admit it because and then when you get caught, when someone gets a d y, everyone's like, oh my god, when drunk that night. Everyone has done it. Or you've been in a car where someone's driving drunk and you knew they were drunk, or you've been in a plane where the pilot was drunk. Just because you flew southwest. I'm just trying. You're trying to save a buck. No, I I just think that. Um, I will say that if you drink out there, if you're someone who the autopilot, if you're someone out there who has driven drunk, or it's totally okay, forgive yourself for it. Um, you're not a bad person, because obviously when you drink, it makes you do things that are really stupid. And if you're someone who's like, you're not a bad person, Nikki, you're saying that people that drunk drive aren't bad people. I don't think that most people want to hurt other people when they get into a car drunk when you're this is the thing about drinking. And I hate to go back to this because some of you are probably like, I don't want to hear any more about your fucking proselytizing about not drinking. I don't care what you do. I'm telling you if you still drink, enjoy yourself. Use uber. But when people say I'm just gonna have one drink or I'm not going to drive drunk, and you start drinking, you forget that you got your getting The person who said that drunk, so you don't you're there, we've all done this thing where we go, I'm just gonna have two drinks. That person could only have two drinks. That you are when you say that when you have no drinks in you, but when to drink you what's the best way to get someone to hang out? Just have a couple of drinks. You know they're gonna Bill Cosby, how Bill Cosby would give women drinks knowing that they were going to get into a state where they would they would wouldn't be able to say no. He you know, obviously expedited that by drugging their drinks. But alcohol is a drug that makes you stupider. So you have to remember that yourself. Your smart stelf doesn't want to drunk drive, but you get drunk and you get stupid. If you had a person who, what, who was very severely mentally handicapped with the driver's license, would you would you trust them to use their best judgment not to drive, Because that's what you're making when you get super drunk, you turned into a person who is very mentally disabled. You're the same or a baby turned into a baby essentially. So I just say to people who The biggest freedom for me when I quit drinking was that when I get pulled over now I almost and also quitting smoking pot, because I did used to drive a little bit where I used to get I swear to God, I would get excited when I got pulled over because it was this new freedom that I know I am not guilty. And when I get pulled over by the t s A, now there is what. I haven't smoked pot since August. There is a freedom in knowing that they're not going to find any thing, and if they do, it's an old thing from back when I like put a pot pen in a pocket. Final thought, I can't tell you how great it is when you finally free yourself from things and you never have to worry about it again. And I'm extending this too. I used to be addicted to gum. I think it's the thing I talked about in here a little bit. When I got into recovery for my eating disorder, Oh my god, I stopped so the first thing I did a lot of You wrote me the other day with the capitalized eating disorder help, and I gave you um what I did to get help, And obviously my I'm not perfect, and a lot of people have actually written to me saying, hey, what you said today on the podcast really triggered me and made me feel like I needed to start dieting because you mentioned this thing, and I was like, holy sh it, thank you for saying that, because my my recovery is not like a straight line. It is like some days I'm not good, some days I'm great, but at least I know where to return to. And it takes those kind of messages to remind me like, hey, I've been putting out some stuff and some thoughts. I've been having some negative thoughts that are trying to get me back into that thinking of wanting to start wanting to being obsessed with not being fat, whatever the funk it is because I think it's going to bring me happiness. And I've relied on Bestie's to like keep me in check on that, and I really appreciated their honesty and being like, I love you, but hey, I just want to be honest with you. The thing you said really upset me. I love that, and it's just because I can take any criticism if it's laced with I love you and I'm and it doesn't even have a way to criticize without being like, I can't believe she did. This comes from love. They're allowed to get mad at me. I don't like if it comes from hate. That's a different that's a different thing. And I'm not open to really accepting things that are based in hate because it just tells me that you probably are struggling with something. This has nothing to do with me. On that post I did on Instagram today, some guy just wrote some guy just wrote decent, and I blocked. I go, I'm I don't need that in my life, like that decent. First of all, it was so it was so funny. I love reading the comments because I ruin's like, holy, like how funny it was. It was so funny. First I got this guy just wrote decent, and I go, you're done with my life like that decent. Well, that's a great boundary because you're not going back at him, you're not engaging with you don't you don't get to and he'll write me I just wrote decent. I go, there's so much behind decent. I had to say, though, there is something that that guy could do to get you a follow back Listen, dude, I wrote decent and I know how fucking shitty that was, and it's because I'm jealous of how funny you are. And I I've been jealous of how funny you are before Andrew and made you feel insecure about Like my my comment today was not being jealous of how fun I was just going back to my old thing. It was so funny. Every posted on my Instagram it was so funny. Um, I had to go between like me writing is this really funny? Or me writing a joke about it? So, but there have been times where I've been jealous of how funny you are and there's something in me that wants to make you feel bad about it so that you don't because I'm because I hate myself for not being as funny as you. And that's where that decent thing came from. Now, if that guy is able to say that he can follow you again, what a beautiful realization he could. You know you would totally unblock him. Also, here's the thing. If you think it's decent, I don't give a fuck. Just don't tell why you guarantee you. I get it. I get that, but I'm just saying, like you think it's decent, and oh you can't handle criticism. That's like, I don't want I can't handle criticism. You know what's wrong with saying I can't handle criticism? When I say that I can't handle sugar people, why is I just know myself? Criticism makes me crazy. I I know there are people that can't handle it. I know a stronger person might be able to. I can't. But what I really want to say being under whatever, honest with what you can and can't handle, and not being ashamed of being scared tites, not being ashamed of not being ashamed of being triggered by skinny women on Instagram and having to block them. I have to do that sometimes because for my mental sanity, that's what's gonna protect me. And I'm not a shamed to say it. Um the comments, It's like why when someone so, I used to be addicted to gum? And so when I tell you that quitting drinking has freed me from ever worrying about do you guys? That is one of the quitn't drinking freed me from worrying about d you guys? And also if I don't remember someone that I meet and they go, oh we met before, you don't remember I go, I did this as a joke, but I go, not drinking is the best thing. Because when I meet someone now and they go, oh, we've already met, I go, was it before two eleven? That's when I quit drinking, And they go, no, it was. I go, well, that's that's on you. That's not my fault. Like I have a bad I can just say I have a bad memory now, or you didn't stand out, it's you need to get a better personality for me to remember you. Because I always used to feel so guilty about being black out drop all the time, and I used to make excuses about it. I was like, I used to pretend I remembered it. Um, my dad had COVID. Did you know that? At one point? Yeah, I just wanted to say that my dad had COVID in the fall. Um, totally non sequent. Yeah, just know that I have to I just wanted to say. I have to say, you guys don't understand. It's a long story. I know you're confused that I just said that, But just know that it's just a fact that my dad had COVID in the fall, and I just want to say that, Um, there's nothing wrong with having COVID. That's another thing. Well, I mean this actually connects us perfectly. People are so ashamed to say they had COVID. They can say it now where like I had it, But when they are currently going through it, it's like bed Bucks. It's like this shame like guess what, you're no different than you And people always want to go, where did you get? Where did I get it? How did Who could I blame for giving this to me? And guess what, It doesn't fucking matter. We're all doing things where we could get COVID any fucking time. It doesn't matter how you got it. You got it, and we're all you. You're not You're not worse, you're not grosser than anyone else, You're not more reckless than anyone else. Uh. For the most part, you know, there are certain extenuating circumstances. You're at this whole time has been going to a club and grinding on people and millions of people and you're sweating. That's on you. But if you're living your life and you're going to supermarket, this like man hunt for who gave who COVID? Whose fault is it? Guess what? It's a lab in China's fault or whatever you want to believe, like you can trace it all the way back. It's like therapy. It's your parents fault for how you act the way you are, Well, it's their parents fault. Well, then it's their parents. It's like you can you go on and on and it's just like it doesn't matter. Just you got it. You didn't want to get it. It's not your fault that you got it. It's not a It doesn't make you a bad person. Shakespeare. I just want to finish my thought up with the gum thing. It was a great ham trip. I want to just say, because I had so many people write to me about the evening sort of rant I went on the other day and it seemed to really help some people. Is that when you quit drinking, you free yourself from all these things that you didn't know. It doesn't only just it's not only like you're not getting drunk and you feel like ship you just like you don't have to worry about these things that you don't realize you were about in the in the wake of it. Do you have any of those with drinking, Andrew, Yeah, I mean it's the list is longer than just remembering everything you do is kind of a cool thing. That is My biggest thing was New York mornings on Sunday morning. Yeah, now you get to enjoy them, and you know, I enjoyed my mornings. But it is true, like there's something about there's nothing better than eleven am eating brunch and seeing hungover people and you're smiling ear to ear taking everything in. Yeah, I don't feel good about that, but it's I always feel bad with people that I get hungover. I talked to one yesterday and I go because I used to have a joke about it, and it's true. Being hongover is the worst because you feel like absolute hell and no one feels sorry for you, and the best part of the alcohol exactly, it's your fault and no one in people should feels So I feltarrt for you. If you're hungover, right me and I'll go you pour baby, treat yourself well today. I will not blame you because it isn't your fault that you feel sick, even though you drank a bunch. That's not your fault because then I'll enjoy my Sunday more in But anyway, I will say that, like when I quit um. I didn't realize a huge thing that was constantly on my mind because I was addicted to gum, and I was ashamed of my addiction, so I would always try to hide how often I was putting in new pieces. I would just I would. I would go through like three packs of gum a day, and that it's like cigarettes, you know. I was up to sometimes five, like on really bad days where I was trying not to eat and I was just obsessively chewing gum. I got sores in my mouth. I mean, my life was hell with gum. But one of the biggest things was gum. If there's not trash can around, you have to like you don't swallow it, you'd spit it out, put it in a little wrapper and then put it in a pocket or put in your purse. My life was constantly gum being in pockets and ruining my laundry, Gum being in pockets of things where um. People would like go to look for something and they'd be like, why are there thirty little cheer up gum rappers? And it was so embarrassing. My life was constantly mitigating against people discovering my addiction and getting rid of gum rappers and storing them up until there were so many and like just gum being everywhere, and it made me feel gross. And I didn't realize in quitting gum that I would never people. When people are like, hey, um, I can look at that for you, Nikki. I used to go, no, bring me my purse because they could not go in there because they would see my gom addiction. Now I go, yeah, I go get in my purse. There's nothing to hide. It's a beautiful lifett like goes back to your mom with cigarettes like bother mom's quid cigarettes. Mine unfortunately secrets everywhere with food in my life, rappers just half eaten things, uh throw up in the toilet. So many things I was hiding from, like someone like you, someone like no what like my best friends. I wouldn't let them see that side of me, and they would see it, but they wouldn't talk about seeing it. And it's just so free that you could go in my room and go in any drawer anything I have. That's why I created that game where we go in each other's room because that's the first time in my life. March, when I got recovered from me disorder, that I have nothing to hide. It's the first time and it's a beautiful thing. And um so I encourage all of you to to seek that kind of freedom in your life because it took me until I was thirty five to do it, so uh, it's never too late, all right, Thank you so much for listening, don't bek and Jack, I think I did that one before, but I'll allow it.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
Social links
Follow podcast
Recent clips
Browse 518 clip(s)