#170 It’s Wild… Canyon

Published Feb 3, 2022, 2:00 AM

Nikki and Andrew have an early morning epiphany that is linked to the opening of Look Who's Talking. They hung out with camels yesterday and Nikki shares a co'uhl moment from the beach. You Heard It Here First, playing lotto at the counter is probably an addiction, truth about frozen yogurt and nighttime at the fridge. Nikki shares her Reddit Dump that has a NY moment, sweetness from André 3000 and a funny reveal. Before the Final Thought, Nikki takes a record breaking "balcony" and returns to share a funny video about Beethoven.

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The Nikki Glaser. Guess here's Nikki. Hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's the Nicky Glazer Podcast. It's Wednesday. So what do you guys think? How what was the response to yesterday? I didn't get a chance to look at any of it because I mean, I was highly anticipating the release of our Murder one Murder Murder podcast recap episode that you could have learned more from listening to the actual one that we one and a half times listened to, Um Andrew, did you here anything? I saw a little feedback. A few people actually decided to murder their spouse just because they're listening around minute. They were a little, uh, a little upset that we weren't doing segments. But no more Mary Morris has lost their lives Chester and that's all that's left. That was all of them. Oh my god, Yeah, no more Mary Moore until there's another baby in nine months. N I mean, it could be any man any time there are babies that aren't being isn't it weird that someone's having sex right now and that a human will like go on the walk on the earth and be like, who I'm hungry? It's five o'clock somewhere, Like there's some idiot that's being made right now that's going to say those tacky phrases in thirty years or whatever, or like, I mean, I did this joke in my special. But like when girls are like I want a baby, Oh my god, we're having a baby, Like it's going to be a man someday. Do you ever think about that? Like no one wants like, uh, even a woman. Women are a little bit like to say I'm having but no one says I'm having a man. No, like a teenager, you're having a teenager that's gonna listen to music that don't like really loud. Who's gonna hate you? Yes, who's gonna say, dude, my mom and dad sucks. Is it worst of a teenager who hates you or one that's like you're their only friends? Oh my god, I think hates me would be way better. I'd rather them hate me and like have their own friends rather than be like, dad, what are you doing today? It's kind of think that most of the time the dad you're my only friend is precipitated by the dad loving that you know, and the parent kind of starting that like kind of incest. You what they're not calling it incests anymore? What did my therapists call it? She's like, we want to take away the word incest because when you when you're when your parents treats you like a spouse or like sposifies you, that's what it's called. Now. I think SI spcify. I'm like, I'm glad someone's going to spocify me. Might as well be my dad. Honestly, I can see how you can be attracted to your parents because if they look like you and you think you're hot, they made you. It's they're coming stuff in you. They're come in you there, Yeah, well you are there? Yeah? Where they're late come and stuff is weird. Remember the very beginning of Laco's talking where they're come where the sperm or swimming? Do you remember that? It's around around, get around? I get around, round, get around, and they're like did a little like tadpoles are swimming. First of all, that was amazing footage if it was real. I don't know how the guy in there, I remember watching that. Wait, what are you talking about? I don't know what. It's a video that came up with no no At the beginning of Lac who's talking. They showed the inception of the baby that's going to be Bruce Willis's voice, right, and so the sperm are all swimming and it's doing like the opening credits. It's a really cool scene that is cemented in my brain because I remember seeing it when I was four or five because it was on TV, and I remember asking my dad what it was and he was like, he had to be like, um, it's like like, come, you know, I'm kidding. Remember making a scientific term is a nut? Yeah, that's like a bunch of nuts and a woman's yeah inside it gushy, pushy. Thanks dad for making that palatable. Um, I remember. No, do you remember as a kid knowing that things are naughty or that there are things are adults that you you know, there's something going on here that you aren't ready to know, and that your parents. I hated it because it felt like an inside joke that everyone when I left the room, they were all going to go, oh my gosh, oh can you she almost just it? And that's why I was onto Santa. I was onto sex. I was onto so many things that I played dumb for because I did not want to have that talk where they were like, well the penis goes inside, Not that they were ever going to give me that talk specify, but they do you know that Sposify just dropped Milia. Yeah Neil Neil hung I heard? Um? Any wait, they didn't drop him? Uh? What was I gonna say? I feel like though, if I have a kid, do you ever feel like like go back to your dad and being like what sex? What's saying it? Like? And I know people comedians have done this joke before, not being able to like trust them. I know, I just won't be able to answer so many of your questions, Like I feel like, let's play. I want to play being a mom. Alright, fine, um mom? How do fire trucks work? Well, I actually don't know where the water goes into the fire Okay, No, it's connected to the plumbing underneath the city. That's Those are hydrants, you know, the things we can't park in front of that the dog pisces on. Where does the water come from? The nere um? I really don't know. Do you want to go to the local library and learn about it? No, I'd rather you just tell me now, Mom. Well, I'm a dumb bitch and never wanted you, and so mom, it's all come, honey, I thought that. I thought it was a fire come like I think it'll be let go. You ask me a question. Those parents that makes up things like well sometimes the guy is sad because I didn't listen once in fifth grade to what happens with precipitation, Like can I try? Can you ask me a question? Okay, um? What are those on your ears? Their earrings? No, those things that you're wearing on your ears, what are those? Oh? These are headphones? What what are they? They connect to the to zoom here and then you can get sound. Why because the computer is talking inside my ears? Why? Because uh C plus plus what's come? It's uh, it's it's like the headphones. But that comes out of your day. I honestly would be so bad. I really had no You got me. I started thinking about what's going on inside the computer that gets the sound into your just say, I'm I'm not good at that stuff. And that's why some you're going to be better at that than me. And that's if you were interested in that, why don't we go get some books about it? Then you learn it. And that's the beauty of having a kid, is that you learn about things, you become smarter. Yeah, like my parents they had me so they could learn about Taylor Swift. Regret that yesterday we met some camels. Oh my god, I love camels. We were you no, okay, So we were at a place shooting a bunch of stuff that did not involve the camels. That's why Kerfect post about it. Yeah. Perfect Changers too is going so well crazy? Are you balky or am I? Um? So we were on location at this place called Wild Canyon and it was just it was in the middle of a desert. Like to drive out to it, you have to drive like you're the FedEx truck in seven like you had to drive really far into the desert in the middle of the desert over rough terrain in our Meetsubishi. Yeah, you bury a body out there. That's what's going on. If you're driving out there, you're either bungee jumping or kicking canyonyon big you know bridge. I couldn't think of the word bridge. A big rope bridge that you can go across. There's you know, um bungee jumping. There's the hanglo not hangling. What's the one where you do a where you go zip lining coming um, and we're there shooting some stuff for Perfect Strangers too, And there was also camels there that you could ride camels and um. At the very end of the shoot we were supposed to do God, it was such a long day. No, so we started at like what time, I mean, I don't even know. We were out there for a while in the while, well the whole day. Like I started at this one place and I had to do a bunch of spins on the beach in a tiny dress, and I was getting so dizzy and so distoriented. That was the hardest thing I've ever done. I have to say. It was funny, like the first time you did it, you were kind of like doing it comedically, it seemed like, but then you got so dizzy that you actually fell, like for real a couple of times. But it's the sands. I kind of just like meant to fall, you know what I mean, Like it's better than catching it and going It's easier just to fall. And just my favorite thing is when the when the PA told those three very rich women that they can't walk behind the scene. Oh my god, they were they were like these thin, angry tan women that you can just tell have never been told no in their life, Like and they're watching this girl that's like being filmed and they're probably he's not even that hot, what's even going on here? And they're watching me. They're so they were so annoyed, and they also, I have to say, they pretended not to give a ship. They wouldn't look over just to be like, we don't We're not going to give that any attention, even though this is this cool production happening. They were just so like annoyed that they had to walk around and then they wouldn't look at us at all, like it wasn't happening. It's just like, yeah, it was, are we taking over there? It's if they just have to walk around it, and it's kind of cool. In New York City, you live amongst productions all the time, and when you walk by them, there's sometimes it's a little annoying, but being annoyed by things being shot just stopping. If the production is rude to you, that's another thing. But if it's just you gotta cross the street, look at who it might be, ask a p a what they're filming, they'll lie to you because it's all top secret and peace, fear for their lives, and then and then it's cool. That's why you get to watch things in your fucking bed when you get home, because and it's not all done on a green screen. It's because they gotta be out in your life. Bitch. You can't all be on the Warner Brothers lot. Do you want everything to look like Batman forever in the streets of Gotham City? Come on, not everything could be an old Western speaking of old weather. So we're Oh my god, I fucking knew. Oh I thought you were gonna reference something else. What did you think? I mean? They were Oftentimes I felt like I was in the set of a movie that's stalled production last year. Oh that, I don't want to say. You made a joke about it. Not a joke, but you said. At one point, I kicked off my shoe during the beach scene because I was trying to because I was wearing these fucking high heels in really soft sand, and I was like, why am I wearing heels? I would just sink in and look ridiculous, and so I kicked my It was like a sandal, and I kicked it off to get it out of the way, and it was well, it's just just for girls to understand, like it was. It didn't have a back to it except a heat like you could kill a man. Yeah, oh yeah, it has a chunky bit heel that was sharp. A mule. It was like a yeah, mule. It was um. But it's a loose sight. So it was, um see through, you know, like it's it's invisible. I kick it and there's a guy holding was he holding a camera or audio? I think he was looking at the screen. Oh yeah, he was looking at us. He had a monitor to look at what the camera looked like, so he I thought he would see it coming straight for his head and he did not, and it definitely hit him in the eye socket. I thought it was the neck. But either way, you out Baldwin him, I know, and Andrew. I get off set. And Andrew's like, you out Baldwin that guy, and I go too late, too late, too late on that you were too late, like just kidding, um. And then we went to this wild canyon place after we went to the beach scene, and um in these camels. So we walked up to these Andrew had already met the Camel's Yes, I met Oscar and then he was like, you know, we had a bunch of scenes to shoot yesterday. I was like scaling walls and it was in this tiny little dress. It was a wild day. It's really nice to get all of this stuff out of the way because the rest of it's going to be just like you know, me and Bell out on a couch. People are like Perfect Strangers too. It's going to get wild this time around. And I love the Perfect Strangers too. It was a TV show at first, but now we're making a movie and we're just calling it too, even though there's never been a Perfect Strangers one movie. No, we're going yeah. Um, but we did a lot of stuff yesterday that wasn't involved in like the it didn't look like the genre of which we're shooting, if that makes any sense, And um, it was really fun and then we went to go to the bathroom at the end of the day. We're supposed to do this, so we're supposed to. We went from I think my call time was like eight am, and then we shot until five and then five o'clock was lunch. For some reason, lunch on TV movie production sets is called it's called lunch and it happens at five and the whole day you just get craft services and stuff. And by the way, as the talent, I can eat whatever I want whenever I want it and be like I want it and they'll bring it to me. But I don't do that. But I could, but I don't. But we um. We shot all day and we had some breaks. I mean, it's not like grueling, it's it was honestly really really fun. But we had this we're going to break for dinner lunch, and then we were going to resume it um six thirty and shoot until like seven thirty. And we had this scene that was going to be a little bit like scary to do because it was on this bridge. It was going to be like very like heights and stuff. And at the end of the five o'clock shoot, it was five o'clock and the crew was wrapped for lunch and we were walking back and I was like, I just developed this really weird like allergy, you guys, and everyone's kind of like, what's going on. I was like, I just like develop this like bridge allergy that like I can't be around like bridges anymore because I was just really trying to put it in their heads like can we can we not do this bridge scene? Like can't We've got enough footage, we can we don't need a bridge and um. And then they were just like nicky fun. And then I went to go change into my regular clothes to go to lunch and um, and then I heard the greatest words I've ever heard. Andrew comes into the dressing room. He's like, can I come in? I was like, yep. He goes my annual Fisher's gone and yeah. He said, hey, those little swimmy things were come and the kid there's a wild onion in asshole. He said, the bridge scene is canceled, and I was so I love canceled things. It's so good. So we get to go home and eat on the way and we and then we went up and met the camels up by the bathroom, and so we went over this barn and we were kind of like, I was looking at the camels, and then the camel wrangler was like, hey, do you want to meet him? And I was like yes, And so we went over there and he was like, do you want to hear about him? Some of them were rescued from circuses, the ones that we were so abused and scared and like their lips were all fucked up from like just being beaten and stuff like circuses are terrible. Do not go to stop you from singing the song. I was like, dent, d Dent. I was trying to trigger them. That's like you hearing a Dave Matthew song that you got fingered doing the back of a car. I would bring back good memories. I like that. You think I got fingered in nice? Never who said anything this last week? So oh my god, because I am driving her car. That's so funny. Um, but we met these camels and I just want to say that. The guy was like, we were like, are they dangerous? And he's like, no, they're not aggressive, and I was he was like, this one's really nice. It was. It's never been in a circus. It's never even heard about circuses. Don't even mention the candy circus peanuts to it, and so it was a happy camel. It only appeared on pack of cigarettes and it uh, I went up to it and it kisses you. I put all the footage on the thing and then the picture that you saw on our Instagram yesterday where it's kissing me and andrews in it too. Literally point seven seconds after that was shot, the camel opens its mouth to bite my head aggressively, and I dodged out of the way. And that was I I'm so glad that I saw it because I was in my peripher you was next to me, so I wasn't really looking, but and it was kind of moving its lips to kiss me at one point or do whatever it was trained to do so that people can go like it likes me, Mama, that take a picture. I want to come back to Wild Canyon, posted on trip Advisor. And then it opened its straw and it it tried to bite me, and I dodged out of the way, and the guy like was like whoa, and I got scared until it was like an animal attack. Yeah, he got left. He's scared. Scared. It's left, Yeah, left, you left? You got a scared? Yeah, it scared. Wait, So wait, did you you're you're very you're very calm with animals. Let's talk about it when we get back canyon. We're back, Andrew, I'm calm. Yeah, you get nervous around animals. I get calm around animals. I get nervous around sports. You love sports? Yeah, yes, I like, I don't want to yesterday who had no leash, who probably lived in the canyon he lives off. There was like a farm. There was a canyon dog that was just like around the premises. He was not giving me, Hey, pet me vibes. And you still like for the pet Well, I uh oh later on, yeah, um like it's Rio friendly and Rio was once that guy left. He didn't want to be pet by you. Well, the guy said, I could, I know, but Ringo get her hand? Um yeah, Rio, well I can. Just I've been around dogs enough and I've read enough books that I feel like I know, if I sense anything about that dog that looks like it's gonna attack me or it's like nervous, I wouldn't do it. But he looked like he wanted it all right. I don't know, I mean inside the form. But I was a little bit scared at first though, when we saw that dog appear of nowhere, because it looked I mean, that dog could have killed us ifn't wanted to easily. We learned so much about camels. Camels lived in a wild right before they lose their lives. Oh what about the three to get out? And if they get out, they let them run around. But there's three of them run around. It was clear that those camels do not have great lives. No offense to the people that say they rescued them from circuses. At least they're not being beaten. But those camels don't get to roam around because if they do, three of them run to the beach. They just run. The beach is not closed, it's we were so far from the fucking beach these camels. To think of a camel just being like I'm getting out and just running towards the sunset is one of the saddest things I've ever but it's kind of beautiful to see if I saw him running. They are the most prehistoric animal I've ever seen. If you look at a camel legs like just coming towards you, it is so dinosauric. You know what they look like. They look like the not the human version, the animal version of those things in Star Wars, those big white things. Oh you know how you're talking, Well, probably that was inspired by a camel, because yeah, yeah, get their ideas from nature. That's so true in real life zoo and only like it's head popping up. There's are more they look like dinosaurs, especially like if you can get really up close, you just are like, oh my god, I'm traveling back in time. Animals so cure, so freaking cool when especially the ones that you just you know, we get to seat squirrels and birds and dogs and cats all the time, but when you and you think you know what a camel's going to look like, you think you have an idea of what it's going to be, and its face was just there was so much skin and like mouth like I guess it's horsep will probably work work with that a lot of like just the eyes with animals like that, because they're so big and then they're usually like they have some kind of like cataract or they're scratched a little bit, and you look inside them and you're like, what is in that inside your eye? What's in your brain? I don't know. I get really lost in the eyes of an animal because a lot of times they look sad and and they can kind of communicate with you with like I made eye contact with a fucking wild whale, I know I did. He looked at me and that's it's a special feeling. Do you think giraffes laugh about draft laugh? Do you think you laughs draw laughs? Do you think they laugh when there's like the guy in the herd or whatever who has like the biggest dick in the herd and then he's like, dude, you're not gonna be able to take all this dick, And then the giraffe has like the longest neck ever and the like, come on, dude, I could take your dick. Like wait, what like a giraffe a deep throat another giraffe? Wait, like when you said take your tick, you met blow. No, I don't think the drafts to that. I don't think they do. Can I talk about animal eyes for a second? I don't know what I want to talk about. When my dog accidentally like has like sometimes Marian will have multiple like hairs in her eye, like jutting into her eyes, scratching her eye, and she just acts like nothing's going on. And there's so many times that like there are like just like you said, like scratches on animals eyes. And sometimes I will hit excellently, like throw something and it will like I know it will hit Luigi, and iye, I'll see it hit his eyeball. You know how painful that is when you're human and something hits your eye and potentially scratches your eye. I want to understand like animal pain, because Marion doesn't even flinch when their hairs in her eye, Whereas if I get a little piece of dust, I'm like everyone called like I can't function, like right now, my eyes I got like dust in them yesterday and It's caused me to have migraines because I'm just just like my visions a little off. So I'm just wondering like animals just like don't they didn't They don't like whine about pain. They just deal with it. But then you don't mean to compare it to human suffering. But then I think about sometimes you remember when you would see I mean it's going on now, but like flies around starving people, and they would be like in their eye and on their face and all over them, and then after a while you just stop. They like, and you go, why aren't they batting those flies away? Right? But horse by the flies, Yes they do, Yeah, they definitely do. But at some point I think that you just become used to just discomfort constantly plaguing your body. And when you're an animal that has a paw that can't manip pulate something to get into your eye, like dogs just have to go like that's why I just scratched its eye. I just go like, you know, like over its eye and give it a good nice eye rub. And dogs are just like I've never been able to get that. Yeah. Yeah, it's like when you get your first massage, every like, what the fuck is this? I don't know. Three legged dogs are stoked. They just don't have that like connection of like I'm missing something that's the beauty of an animal ego. Yeah, they're like, oh, I'm not like that for legged dogs. It's just like if a dog had ego or like an animal I was like, I thought it was better. I mean, there are some fucking little dogs like Maltese is and I'm like, fuck you, dude, you're not richard than me. But they can be a little bit more territorial. But I don't think it's because they think they're better than anyone and they don't get I guess some dogs with like painted toenails and always go you need to give both of them a treat, Nikki. They because one will get jealous, and I'm like, but they didn't. The other one didn't do a trick. They don't get it. Like treats are for when you do for winners good behavior, you know, like let's get the dot dog to do a trick, but I'm not gonna do it. Luigi was the one that sat. I'm not going to give Wiley one just because he sat there, and he because he wants it. Maybe, but I'm like, doesn't that refute the idea of training a talk? But then Wiley ended up biting people, so maybe you should. It's your fault, fault. Let's get to uh the newsst oh man, I hope you're having all the swells out there. It's Wednesday. You know what that means, folks, It is Wen's a day. We got some great stories for you. Let's start it off with a fun one. Fortune Cookie gives a North Carolina man lottery numbers to win four million dollars. WHOA yes, So after a weekly meal at Charlotte's Red Bull restaurant Charlotte's Red Bull boll Bowl red Bull like bow l Yeah, okay, Red Bowl restaurant, he used the numbers to buy a mega millions. Ticket Online added a dollar to make it a mega player ticket, So when he watched all five white balls on January eighteenth to win one million, it was quadruple four million dollars. He took home two million, eight hundred forty dollars one eight two million, forty two A little bit up so that we don't look like a sad crimp on a bench. Why I feel like people like this. I think it's becoming a thing. I've gone so many men. I think you forget there's a camera in front of you sometimes. Yeah, I mean that's how you become freaking natural. Okay does Stevie Wonder know how to play the piano? Um? Okay? That is uh the fortune cookies did He also did one of the balls say in bed? Does anyone get that joke? Oh? Could you add in? I've never like fortune cookies are were like the it's like, uh, you know your virgo and here's like you always like attributed to whatever you're going through, like you'll read it be like, man, this fortune fortune cookie knows me at least helpful in that way because they're always good messages. They're never like your friends all hate you. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, asshole is a wild canyon. I'm like, what they're not eating here again? Wait, so did you ever have the thing too where you go, well, your fortune is not gonna happen unless you eat the cookie, like you got to eat the cookie. Oh no, those cookies are so disappointing. I love those cookies, really pleasure. I like that you like those because I think they're lower sugar than most cookies, because they're a little bit like there's just a it's just a blandness to them that never really did anything for me. But I loved cracking them open and wasting plastic and then just leaving. Yeah, and pay all that paper. I mean, I'm trying to think of a fortune that like it's usually like you know, you will come across something that you really want to do in three weeks. Like it's never amount, it's never really specific. Yeah, and I um, you know, guessing a number from a fortune cookie and winning is just is it's just a coincidence more than like we all have to go to Red Bull now. You know, I've never I've never did you play the lottery? Did you ever play like numbers like the power ball? I think I played one time. And I never checked it. Oh my god, you know what I mean? Where they go there's the someone one I didn't know I remember I googled it or no, I don't even know if Google was around yet. And what would you just got it? Maybe because someone else was buying it at the grocer store, like fate, you felt like, this is the time my mom used to play a lot. I remember those little like, you know, white and pink, pinkish like pieces of paper, a lot in her purse with the lipstick where bloder lipstick. What about when you get stuck behind someone in a fucking convenience store who buys like seventy of them and he's like, all right, I'm gonna do you pick them, I'll do them, and then i'm gonna do a five. Honestly, that's when you And then when they take those scratchers and they go off and scratch them. That is someone who's at like stage three of an addiction, where it's like you're doing something kind of embarrassing where everyone in line knows what's up, but at least you're taking it elsewhere to start fucking using. But the people that have just started scratching it on the counter. There are some of the biggest addicts you'll ever there is bad there steps away from being on the street shooting up. You know, the people that you just see shoot up in front of you and you know, oh my god, I'm watching Heroin right now. It's because they don't give a funk anymore because they're they're so clouded by addiction that you know, most people keep their addictions hidden away from people because it's so you know, the depths of it is so shameful. And I bet you anything as someone who used to be addicted to things. You know, like I used to go only I used to only eat frozen yogurt, like only this first, well, I used to go to different frozen yogurts. There are three different places in l A that served it that. What do you say. I know, I'm just thinking about you going to different because you don't want people to see and I would wait until the person. This is a common eating disorder thing. Anyone out there with an eating disorder that binges, and you have your spot you go to. This is something I hear about all the time. It is because you think it's unique because you figure out ways, And I bet you anything people who are gambling acts. They also do the same thing where you don't want to go back when these people you wait like six hours, so the person shift has ended and it's a new group of people that aren't going to judge you for being there twice in a day. You know what I would do, I would go. I would lose the money to my you know, remember you used to have limits on your ATM card, like two hundred bucks. I would lose that around like I don't know, six pm, per se, and then at at midnight I could get another two hundred. So I would just sit around nor in the quarter and not even be able to drink because I had no money. And I would just wait six hours, like figure out a way to do something for six hours, get the money, and then go right back. Yes, that's a fucking that's a that's not that. Yeah, that's an attic. I mean, I'm sure that alcoholics for sure get embarrassed with how how much they're drinking, and they have to hide it because they'll get cut off. Whereas at a frozen yogurt place, I'm not gonna get cut off. They'll maybe talk about me behind my back. But like I used to do this, so what would you do? So you go in you got to there was one, so there's an Olympic and I think, fucking, what's the cross street? It doesn't matter. There's h a it's the one that Demmi Levada was in line at and she got in trouble because she was like, this place is like antorractic, even sort of breeding ground, And it's true, it is. It's like it's called the Big Chill. No offense to them, no judgment. There a business, but you're that's in air. Ex will go somewhere else. It's not like if they shut down. Like, but there's one across street called Penguins, and then there's the Big Chill and they're on across from each other. And I would go to one and then I go to the other, and I would then have two giant things of it and I would eat it until I was literally like puking up, like I couldn't keep it down because I was so sick. But I was so mad because I would be so full that I would be mad that I was full because I couldn't have any more of the thing that was like would make the pain go away or whatever, And so then you're so, but then you're so sick that the sick feeling takes away whatever feeling you were feeling that you're so it's just this constant thing and then yeah, I would um go back the next day every single day, would see the same people and I would see the same customers to all these girls just swimming inside zero jeans like it was honestly, you know, it's crazy. It was crazy. Is that depending on what you're buying, it's more judgmental. Like we go to the same Starbucks every morning, no one gives a fuck. As I will say that I have shame about Starbucks, and I do kind of the same thing with our Starbucks. The mobile order makes it easier because you don't have to like order it and look someone in the eye. But my Starbucks people definitely know that their days where I have three venti latte's and no one needs that. No one needs a three venti latte's that are like these, And it's just a very specific drink and it's not it's not even about the caffeine. It's just about this like treat that I want. I mean, it's definitely goes into like eating disorder stuff, but there are days where I truly will wait or not go back because I'm too ashamed to see those people see me get a third even though I want it. And that's not why you should not. Oh I us to a little mustache and a hoodie. Oh my god, like like not not not different orders, like you add one extra Stevia just so it's like a little different. No, no, no, no, I'm not nu here gets so excited when I do mobile orders that as a multiple people, because I'd be like, see, I have friends, it's just not my three lattes a day. Other people are in on this, and so now you start ordering like oh yeah, Tom got milk, And I know this is a common one. Different, This is a very common one for anyone out there with eating disorders. And I and you might do this and you don't even whenever someone jokes that they I ordered food and I had to act like there were other people here or that I was having a party because I wanted I didn't want the delivery person to judge me. You haven't eating disorder, like unless you're like stalking, unless But I used to do that all the time of like whenever I get food, by the way, I get at least four things of silverware because they think I have a huge family. Now, I don't eat all of that food generally, but sometimes I do. I eat massive about the food still, Um, I feed myself. But it is interesting when I come home and you've set the dinner table with like four plates, and then I just go around. I go clockwise, sometimes counterclockwise. I switched it up. That's why I wanted a room, because I couldn't I wouldn't be able to hide my Like I eat weird, for sure, but like when it keeps me in check more like not doing disgusting things like you live with someone now you can't eat as disgustingly as you probably wanted to. Like you're not eating in bed anymore, right, not the way you used to, not the way I use. There's accountability. No, I don't do sushi's with my hands, and I doubt that you're time. Yes. Uh. The other day Brennan came out to the kitchen and it was like two am, and I'm just naked in front of the free just like looking through like what do we got? You know? I really love the two am. What do we got? You know? Like? What are like left over. Oh my god, nothing to me is better than cold leftovers. I love like old, like not old, but nothing better. I don't know, I fucking love it. I love when the fucking cream like becomes kind of like congeals. Yeah, not too congealed. To the next news story one that was making you laugh because you like aspects salad. Have you ever heard of what that is? What aspeck to get things out of that canyon? Aspect? I want to google what aspects salad is a sp i c Yeah, it's like a gelatin salad Eastern European food. Yeah, he would like that. Don't act like you wouldn't eat that. Actually looks really good, but the gelatine kind of concern so much sour cream in like ward, you say that yesterday and I was like, I haven't seen you eating anything the last four days though, I just because I don't really Mexican food that much. But yeah, we're eating a lot here in perfect in Mexico or something. Um okay. Research finds that people who are seen frowning in old photos are five times more likely to divorce. I mean, this is just so on the head, Like, yeah, I heard Andrew giggling heavily today, and I thought he was he was writing jokes for the show, and I thought he was laughing at his own jokes. And I go, what are you laughing at your own jokes? And he goes, no, one of the things, No, note news stories, No, it's so funny. Um okay. So people, if you look at your photos of you, like at your wedding, like what I mean, what are we talking about here? I was just thinking old old timey photos. Every frowning in those, No, like old photos from when you were first like dating and stuff. Like if you're or like just people in general that smile more so if you if you're in the top ten of like big smiles, you're less likely. Yeah, because I think people divorce is symptomatic of people who are that probably got married to elite to fix something that is broken inside them that causes them to frown in every picture anyway, and that you're more likely to make decisions to just you know, temporarily alleviate that on their wedding, their wedding night in front of the cake. I don't like, who do you know that actually frowns in photos? Like a legit frown not frowned. But I didn't smile for a while living in New York. You know, you just do that straight face kind of thing. You're afraid to smile. I also don't love my teeth when I smile. Um, but you do a like a smilee, you know, like a closed tooth. You know. Yeah, I I but that wouldn't be in the top ten percent. I also think though, the people that really smile big, they tend to not be like as aware of how maybe unhappy they really are, and so they'll just stay married because they don't really get in touch with their feelings that much. So then they're just like everything's great, I don't you know, and then I die? Does that you know what I mean? No, I think that people that are naturally smiley people are it comes from with it, like they're just happier people maybe. I mean, I think, yeah, sometimes people are trying to mask it and you would never know how sad they are. I mean, let's talk about the Miss USA who jumped to her death and like you go on her Instagram and you go, there's no indication, there's no even like sometimes it's hard to get up in the morning, you know, like there's no everyone has something on their Instagram that would maybe you could go, oh, that's why, like literally everyone of like today was our day. But I'm persevering, you know, like we all have little things. There was nothing on this girl's She just seemed like so full of life. So that is it makes me think there must have been like some medicine she took, you know, because some people can just have one episode triggered. I mean a lot of drugs, you know, prescription drugs have like suicidal thoughts as side effects. I don't know, it's so sad. I think, like, you know, they always just like joke like not about this thing, but like with marriage and stuff, or if you're dating and you overdo it on Instagram of how great your relationship is, how amazing it is, you're guaranteed to be broken up in like a few Yeah. If you've got to tell everyone how great things are and how much you love someone, it is kind of great, though, when people do that and they're like, this is the best I found my soul mate, and then they break up, but they don't announce the break up, but you can tell that they're broken all of a sudden. It's like seven pictures without them in it, and it's eight and then it's nine. I mean, it's going to do and then they start removing them, but it's slowly, and then you are they following that still and the person's hair starts changing and they start losing weight and like posting pictures of their back muscles and like you're like, oh, they're or like just hanging with their girl friends a lot or whatever, and you're like and cryptic captions of like living my best life, or like sometimes the rain shines on the other side of the pillow, like just something, or you're like, quote that she's she's trying to talk to someone here that isn't us, Um Tommy, It's like that seems pretty like yeah, that's pretty on the nose. Let's go to break and come back with Reddit Dump and yes we're doing a Wednesday edition. Hey guys, we're back. Let's get to um. We skipped it yesterday because we did a murder podcast, which you guys did a wonderful job. I just want to say it was very entertained and I didn't even listen to Morbid. The you didn't listen to Morbid Listen, I don't think you need to. I mean I almost want you to, because I honestly think we could be the new morbid of morbid, Like we could take their story, do it ourselves and you'll be fine. Yeah, that's how I fell after a little bit yesterday's show. I skipped all the things you didn't really need to know, and I mean Andrew had zero new information to share, he was sleeping and the fact that there are two marries involved. This was not a great episode to fall asleep do, I gotta say? Because he was sharing details about the one Mary that did happened to the other one, and uh yeah, he was in and out of a dream like state. That's when the idea of a podcast that covers we listen to an episode of a murder podcast that you don't want to listen to it's too much like not you, but like you the bestie, and then we you fall asleep halfway through, and then you try to retell it. I like that kind of premise. Yeah, I do too. I mean, I make you listen to it when you are the sleepiest you are and you try to stay await from it for it and memorize all of it. I mean, I we really like the idea of doing wild Card episodes that are just out of the Halloween episodes of our show. Yeah, Christmas episodes of our show, where it's just like we're just going rogue. Today we're doing something new. I hope you guys like that yesterday. I mean I think besties like whatever. We got feedback. I mean people really liked it. There was no feedback that was like, that's a feedback sound. I thought that was a two can it's the worst sound. Sorry, I didn't mean to like. Yeah, okay, so let's get into a reddit dump karaoke mode. This is your red it's the reddit dump, all right. So this first one is from the subreddit hold Up. That's where something happens at the end of the video that you wouldn't have expected, and it's like hold up, h O l u P. And so this one I really liked and we almost kind of touched on it before. Um it says hold up, what kind of insanity do New Yorkers go through to not look question mark? And then like that's lower case oh big, oh that makes it look like an eye being like and um, so this is a girl on the street. No one's gonna play the video. You can go watch it on our YouTube in a couple of days. If you're listening to this live, um, it will be up there. Make sure you go subscribe and um and leave a nice comment. UM. It's a girl on the street and she's talking about how she can tell there's a bunch of people walking behind her on the street and here here she'll explain, if they look they're not from New York. She that's her screaming, and all these people walk by, and she goes, if they looked at me screaming, then they're not a real New Yorker. Because you hear stuff like that so often. It's like the fly thing. If there's flies buzzing around your head all the time, there's one fly, you're gonna shoo it. Someone screaming like that in any other place, you're gonna go, what's going on over there? But in New York there's those screams all the time, and you become immune to it. I just thought it was really funny. You sit next to them on the subway without a screaming, and your neck would break if you fucking looked every time. Yeah, that's true. If you become like every time someone yelled for help in New York. You'd you're yeah, you'd be exhausted. Yeah. Um. This next one is from made me smile. Um, this is just a h This isn't a video. It says wholesome, Andre three thousand. Uh, this guy named Jason Roth wrote once Andre three thousand was on my ferry ride to Alcatraz and I said Hi. My six year old autistic son came over and started talking his ear off about German shepherds, his obsession at the time. Andre talked to him about dogs for like twenty minutes. We exchanged numbers. Four years later I got this text, Hi Jason. I was searching for a name and yours popped up. I remember our cool encounter on the boat. Ha, how's the kid? I'm living in NYC now, so if you're ever here, please reach out. How cute is that? That's the cutest I mean, it kind of tells me that he should probably be doing a new outcast album instead of focusing on Jason. But one thing I noticed in his eye message, and this was in two thousand seven, but he he writes Hi Jason, and for every period that he writes, like at the end, Hi Jason, it's he does a space before the period Hi, Jason Space period Space. That's like his style even for the question mark how's the kid space? Question mark space new sentence? Very interesting style that Andre three thousand has um did you know there's a lot of stories about people running into him and him being being cool, like the cool like he plays I think clarinet or something, some kind of instrument. He'll just be playing it at like a gas station. But it is that three thousand playing the clarinet like, and everyone's like, oh my god, that is in New Jersey. Do you have to do that? You have to have him play the clarinet for you? Yeah? He played. Well the New Jersey they hold the clarinet while he plays. That's the joke. Um we got there. Um uh. I realized yesterday because I was I got a text from someone and I saw it come up, like or I texted someone and I saw it delivered and then I saw red. You've called me out on this many times yeah, And I go, why are your texts on red? And you go, I don't know, And I'm like, I just gets such a weird choice to be someone who wants to let people know when you've read it. I think it's someone who's playing games with someone and they want it's always is that's why, that's why why do you leave me on red? It's a way, that's where that phrase comes from. It's a way for girls and guys to funk with each other and be like, I'm not thinking about him. And if you left, if you're left unread, which by the way, you're able to read some things without making it go to red. Oh yeah when it first comes up, yes, um. And it's a way to make someone seem like you're not that into them, or to send a message. But Robin had a good point though about that, where it's like, oh, if you left me on red, I wouldn't take it personally. It's about the person on how they take it, right. But if my friend, the thing is when I see that you have text read and unread, I go, I don't think you're trying to send me a message? I go, who are you fucking? What's going on in your life right now that you have your text on? Like? Who are you trying to? I would red? Is you've reset your phone because it's not working correctly, and it goes right to red. But this is the thing, so I say this yesterday in the car and I go, who the fuck puts their phone messages on red? It's such a weird thing to do. And Jen and Robin go, yours are on red? And I was like, what with us? Like you were like being sarcastic. I was like, I'm a person that has their texts on red? And she goes yeah, And then I texted on you. I texted you, they all say, And by the way, I went to my settings, it isn't enabled. There's no I haven't disabled. I'm make sure my text aren't right. So I've been sending everyone this message that I'm one of these shady twats putting their texts on red. I am not a text on red person. It felt like having toilet paper on my shoe or having like teeth your relationship, how many times has your lover seeing that you've read a message and not written back. Oh, he doesn't care about the stuff. He would never look into any of that as like, yeah, you always doesn't. Just you've been delivered for me? What about yesterday when I wrote you delivered? I was kidding writing back, I was delivered. Okay, So some people's phones, well, Anya said minor red, It'll be like red at six pm. And I'm like, that's so gross. I don't want to be that person. It felt it felt like, oh my god, I've had this sign on my back that says, yeah, um okay, next next Red. I think, um uh, it's so weird that I wanted to pose this question to you, Andrew. This is I'm too afraid to ask. It says we named hair differently based on where they grow, such as a mustache, beard, pubes. So what do we call hair near the butt hole? Pubes? A cover? Thank god? Yeah? Suer great? The um the butt hair inside your butt hole? Yeah? Around it? Um tassel yeah, tassehole, tasshole the tassel. I like that. Um that's perfect. I can't come up with anything better than that. This is a barrier. This is from Asked credit. It says, what are the worst song lyrics You've ever heard? And I really like these? Um uh this we called the banks for your asshole. The But it has to had like a pun, you know what I mean? Like it has to have like why mustache isn't a pun? I know, but that why it's mustache moose mouth stash. So Asktash now that's the heroine you're smuggling across the border. Okay, what are the worst song lyrics you've ever heard? Um? Um? Probably crashed as dummies? What once there was this boy who got into an accident and couldn't go to school. That the man the lyrics or the voice that bother you. But it's also very catchy. I like some of these. No one, do you have any that come to mind? I can't. Oh, yeah, you're not a lyric person. Okay, I'm so sorry to put you in that position. Okay, Okay, I thought I thought I had heard you go okay. Um, someone said the Little YACHTI song. This gets reference a lot on on the different music subreddits. I find there's a little Yatti song where he says she blow that dick like a cello, because he thought that he was referencing the instrument squid word plays clart, but he thought clarinet was a cello. Yes, and so he No one in the studio goes, man, you can't blow a cello. That's that shows how many yes people are around Little Yatti. Are you sure that's the story behind it, because yes, it is the story. I've heard it a bunch what if because the cello is bigger than like it's kind of you can't blow a cello if you're sucking the cellos, like if you're like if you have a big he's he was trying to make a joke about like you blow it like a like I'm just saying a draft, suck it and suck it. Someone said you're easy breezy, and I'm Japanese e I don't remember. Oh Utada is the name of that okay uh um um I got a mansion in Whiskey as and payne. Oh, I like that, Like he's just stupid. He just rhymes things that don't actually rhyme. There was Oh, I know my favorite one. My favorite one is Billy Currington and he yeah that's his name. Uh where he goes God is good, beers great, people are crazy and he goes, I read in the bit you weary he was a millionaire. That's fun I mean it's stupid, but that is so fun I ones that are obviously like we're being funny here. Yeah, you know, that's a funny one. I don't think he was really trying to be I think he was trying to sneak was the other one was someone said, um, Lou Reed and Metallica coming out with the classic I am the table. I am the table. It's just like that, so it's basically Lou Reid going um, or maybe James I forget who does the course, but he goes, I am the table, I am the root or something, I am the chairs. Like um. I have to pause really quick because I am gonna have explosive balcony. Oh so anyways, now we might be able to hear it. Are you one side, folks? No, I think he's really fast in the bathroom, especially if it's explosive. Maybe do you I'm a quick pooper? Are you a quick pooper? No? I like, but I do it on purpose. I like taking my time. What are you doing here? Usually like read on your phone, like a book, to bring a book and just take a ship because it's like, oh, you're playing it on getting a couple of chapters and like what do you do? I think I'm just like used to it because the bathroom was like the only place I could get privacy growing up, because we lived in such a tiny apartment and it was like the one thing that like I could just be by myself, So I'm just used to it now as an adult. Yeah, you know your relationship is going well where you take longer ships just to not talk to your spouse. Yeah, that was a very very quick I mean, I mean that's wild. We could keep this in. I started my period. That was amazing. I have had I have had kettle belt hits, I have had congratulations, Oh my god. I have had a migraine that started last night that I thought was due to dust in my contact lenses and now and then I just thought I had to pope so bad, which I did. But at the same time, I you know, when I went to wipe, I'm like, oh no, I'm shipping, and then it was just started my period. It's such a there's something about starting your period. It's like getting a diagnosis for the things that are going on in your life. Yes, it's such a relief because every woman can relate to this. I know, because as much as we know we're going to get it. It just there's something about when you're having all these symptoms, you just your brain is so clouded. You can't I think it couldn't possibly be PMS, Like every right now, my headaches going away, like as soon as you know the source. That's why that pain book, The Healing Back Pain, is so good because when you know that your back pain is coming from your mental anguish, you don't have to heal. The mental anguish doesn't have to heal. Just knowing the source makes go away. And that's why when I know him on my period, like my headache is now, I'm starting to feel like lighter. I mean, yeah, I just got rid of a lot of things that were going on. Oh yeah, so much. And then you're also bleeding. Yeah. Well, sometimes like when you go to the bathroom number two, the your period will start, yeah, like release. It's like the opening number two to like make up for the sentence before. Like now you're like just U two, like you were the one that said the other words, what did I say trying to be a lady, trying to get married at some point? Okay, um, I got I I gotta clean my act up here. Um okay, so let's keep going on these oh the lyrics that we hate. Uh yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, you got the yummy ummy yum me um. I mean that is terrible. Um, she's seventeen, but I fun her like I don't use a rubber on that hoe. I just roll the dice that's by half Bay and it's called puya. I mean that's just statutory rate, isn't it. Uh? Someone said I'm serious as as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer speaking of my least favorite one that it's somewhere on this list, but said, um, I hated that, like are we human? Or are we dancer? What? No dancer? Are we dancers? I hate it? Are we dancer? Yeah? That? Do you know the song I'm talking about? Right? Yeah? Of course it's um killers? Yeah, the Killer UM. Can I ask a question? Or don't you hate when rappers take um lyrics from other raps, not even samples, they actually take and then they make them worse, Like they make an amazing line that was in a rap song, like a biggie rap song, and then put it in There's just to like take up space and a fucking verse. It fucking makes me so angry. Oh, I've never a final thought. I liked this video Noah, can you play the one um that I sent seconds where it was yeah is a TikTok and it said hiding pregnancy tests under his waffles didn't expect his reaction. Oh well, so this guy is about to eat waffles. His girlfriend, his phil wife or a girlfriend is filming him, and she has a pregnancy test underneath the waffles, and it's like, you know, a plastic pregnancy test, like the one you'd pee on, which is so gross. I mean this video is gross, but it's so funny his reaction and pregnancy test under his waffles. Didn't expect his reaction. What did it look like? Any test? What that mean pregnant? I just wanted to surprise you, would they great question? Yeah that's a frown if you have TikTok's where you tell Yeah, that's another new study coming out. Yeah, if you can one waffle? And he's more mad about the waffle than excited about the pregnancy. Yes, not a good side. That's a man that loves waffles. I mean that's so funny. Maybe it was the last waffle in his defense. Um, I mean it's just gross to have a plastic those plastic pregnancy tests. Are you someone's filming you when you're taking the first bite of food? Are you the person filming you is pregnant or they're about to propose to you or you're about to eat something that tastes like shit, or I was trying. I was trying to poison and choke you, like it would have been fun. She's like, I was trying to choke you. I just want to film you die, honey. Um the okay. So today I learned this is from today I learned, Um, this will just take us out. Noah, this is good news for you. Today I learned t I l that classical music and metal fans have the most similar personalities, based on a study of thirties six thousand people in more than sixty countries. Both have the same basic motivation to hear something dramatic and theatrical, a shared love of the grandiose, quote unquote. So you have more in common with people who love classical music than say someone who loves rock or rap or anything like. In classical music, let's be honest, and metal. You would think those two are so yeah, but it makes sense like they're because I've always wondered why do people like like classical music is lacking lyrics for me, and so it bothers me or opera for me in Italian, I can't It's hard for me to get the emotion unless I know the lyrics or what they're saying. Um, but you don't need to know what the metal people are saying. You just want to feel the intensity. You have a love of the grandiose and oh yeah, and my grandpa loved classical, he did. I mean, that's all he would listen to and I'd be like, what the funk, dude? But now when I get it, he just was tired of words. You would just go to your grandpa and go, what the funk, dude? Yeah, you love when I kept it real. Oh my god, you're fucking really putting on fucking chot Ski again or whatever. I don't even know. I know that I know the composer you're thinking. I don't, are you well, Scott Chopolin chin Chopin, But I know the one you're thinking of it as like a T T H. Yes, really, Grandpa Marvin. Oh my god, did you see Lisa Gilroy's post about She's the one that I always post on um Instagram. She's so funny, the Beethoven one. Yes, that it was so funny. Let me just play really quick. Um, Lisa Gilroy is the Lisa Gilroy on Instagram. You guys, gotta follow her. Everything she does is funny. Ohoh, it's little Beethoven. I came all the way back in time to find you. I have to tell you something in the future, something amazing that's gonna happen about you. What is it, Something you'll be remembered for for the end of time. There's going to be a movie named after you about a big, messy dog. The dog is a st. Bernard kind, the hugest kind. He causes all sorts of big messes, and the dad goes big friend and people really like the movie. It's a family movie, not my kind. The dog is named after you music, and the dad's going we gotta get rid of this big glutzy beeast and the kids are saying, oh dad, we love Beethoven. We can't get so lovable. I don't know if you do anything else. I think you played piano. But the movie is so funny. The dog's so not Beethoven was tearing up for the audio. Yeah, yeah, the whole time. There's a little Beethoven who's just like, put my music all right, We're gonna go. Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back tomorrow with a fresh app uh. Guys don't be cut out there. And Jack Leacher

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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