#167 No Is a Sentence

Published Jan 28, 2022, 2:00 AM

After catching up on a lot of TV, Nikki and Andrew realize how much they are affected by TV shows. Nikki loved the message at the end of Afterlife 3 about the point of life. And both appreciate the talent it takes to be honest. Andrew tells a story about falling asleep on the job and a work experience with Rusty. They talk about common sounds that are their nightmares and Nikki's love for painful massages. In You Heard It Here First, unusual things left in hotel rooms and the Neil Young vs Joe Roegan debate. Listeners leave messages about CDs, an embarrassing entrance, making a mom listen to the podcast and micropenises in the Fanthrax segment....and that's why they are the Besties!

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Nicky Glazer podcast. Nicky, hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's a Nicki Glazer podcast. Happy thus day everyone? What's Thursday in Spanish? Andrew? Really, how do you know this? Arness? Is it really Florida or is it like education verr nace? Might be Friday? Wait you know what? Noah? Do you know? Yeah? We hold on Friday? Is Thursday in French? Listen, I don't know it's okay. People either know it or they don't, or they don't care, because if you cared, you would know it. Um. Happy Thursday. Uh, last day of the show for the week. Um, first day of the show. What isn't that fear day? Oh? Then? What the hell is Thursday? And from j U E V E s? Okay, where's Jeeves? Ask them? Okay? Wait anyhow? Um, today is the first day of UM the like filming for us. I couldn't sleep last night. I don't know whether I'm nervous or I'm I'm just like, I was just restless. I think my mattress sucks. To be honest with you, I think the mattress here sucks. And I've never once blamed a mattress for my sleeping but I did do an ad read yesterday for a new sponsor that we have on the show, and I was sold on the fact that I want that mattress really really bad in my life. That called Nectar. Yeah. Next, I mean, that's just a good name for whoever came up with that name in whatever think tank they did for that mattress brand. Like, what's something that reminds you of, like something soothing yet not like that that makes me think my neck will be fine? Yeah, like neck. It's like net and doctor together. It's the neck doctor for you can't wait for a bet to come out? Um, and I want one of those nectars, um, so shout out to the and those mattresses are like I couldn't believe I was doing this ad read and I'm like, wait, is that how much money you get off of this mattress because mattresses are so expensive, But it's actually how much mattress is. So if you're looking for a mattress, definitely go to um Nectar Mattresses because I was sold just reading the points about it. I was like paying it more attention and so okay, not only is my mattress ship, but um, the sheets are rough. At night. I think this place that I'm staying turns like, doesn't they. I put the you know you're supposed to sleep very cold, to have the best sleep possible, as you know that I love. I put it down to sixty five on the thing, knowing that it's not going to get there ever, but I wanted as coold as possible, and the room won't go beyond During the day, It'll get down to sixty seven, which I don't really want during the day, but I just leave it on anyway, and then at night seventy two. It won't go It won't go any lower than that. So I think this place is cheapening up at night because they go, oh, the sun's not coming down. We don't need to put as much energy into the a C. I'm burning up and um, tossing and turning. It's hard to be hot on hard sheets. Yes, like it's it's a strong combo of like she has, like you're on cardboard and you're outside. Yeah. Yeah, all over the country, um, all over the crunchy crunch all over the crispy mccrispy. There's a sandwich at the McDonald's here called them crispy and b mccrispy. And yesterday we're driving best McDonald's and I was like, oh boyo mccris to be. I was like, I have never wanted something more in my life that I don't eat like that. I have no interesteding, but that sounds real good. And Andrew didn't even really notice me. He kind of heard me say it, but it didn't sink in. And then this morning we went past that sign again, he was like, oh, man, I don't know. I didn't know. Why do things just make it more crispy? Um and poo doesn't make me think of chicken because it's not my first language, so it's not when I hear chicken, I hear like bird sandwis what about a little bit this bed and this? And then the A C unit sounds like a roaring lion purring. It's awful And so I amp up my white noise, which I had to put in my headphones last night because the white noise on my phone the speaker got ruined because my phone got saturated by some lube, and so the speaker really in your bag or by the bed. What happened there was like a pool of lube, and it just I was it on my phone and it gets seeped in the speaker and it's like it's just like buzzy now, it's like your cat. And so it just does not sound good at coming out of my phone, And so I had to put in my air pods to drown out the purring lion in my a C unit. And also I just was kind of scared here last night because I was like, I could legit get murdered and no one would hear me because I'm so tucked away. That's not like a clarion call to murderers out there to come find me, but like this is the place to do it. You're like in the country, in a hotel, like you're in like rural hotel, rural city, like you could like I mean like the basement of a hotel. And to get to my room you have to walk like eight miles and the cartel is listening like their security though, just letting you know, yeah you have to like just act confident, welling in here, and yeah there's there's a hybridating lion ready to go at any moment. I couldn't sleep till three am last night. I have never watched so much TV in my life as these two days I've had off here in Mexico, where I've been neglecting work and also not having to like actually do anything except the podcast I watched. I finished After Life, very very interesting ending, which led me to google what does the ending of Afterlife bean? Which I'm not the only one googling that, by the way. A lot of people are confused. But it's it's good. It's good. If that doesn't compel you'd watch it, I don't know, you feel like sometimes like depending on this. It's like music. But like I was watching Yellow Jackets with Brenna, and I feel like because it's such an intense show about like death and like, I don't know, just like really dark survival. And honestly, I think it almost like started fight, like not fights, but like it gives us a different Like you shouldn't watch it right before bed with your partner because I feel like, yeah, it just makes me question, yeah yeah, yeah, it creates to put your body. I was depressed after after like because it makes you think about death so much. It's so funny when you watch things like if you watch Yellow Jackets at ten am and someone gets murdered and their throat cut or whatever, and you'll be like getting whatever, and then your brain at eleven PM sees that and you're like, I could get killed too. It's I don't know, for me, it doesn't anywhere. I mean, I guess you have more things to distract you throughout the day. If we've learned anything, just play Tetris and I'll erase it. Yeah, that's what ham drips for sure. But I really it's true. It's it is funny that we're like, is it weird that art can impact your mental state? Yeah? I know it sounds dumb, but I know it's like we don't treat TV shows as art, but it is. And like just the way you a song, a song, I don't know what that was, a mixed the way a song can affect you emotionally, like of course TV shows can, and it can change the way you look at the world and the way you feel about your you know existence. I mean, after it really got me like into some weird kind of dark places. And then I was watching The Bachelor the other night and I had to turn that off because I was just not in the mood to hear pretty people talk about how sad they are just so they could get a chance to get like fake married on the show. And then I was also watching what did I watch last night? Um? God, there was something else the show that we're shooting here that we can't talk about yet everyone knows. Um that because like Afterlife is kind of the opposite of like the kind of show we're shooting here that like does it make you I don't know, do you think that makes you more anxious? Like because I texted Chris last night that he was like, how are you feeling? And I'm like, I'm a little nervous going in tomorrow even though the show I'm making is called f Boy Island and nothing matters, because truly nothing matter. We're all gonna die. And the show I am making is called f Boy Island. And that was my joke last year on set before the name of the show was released, and I couldn't talk about it. But every time someone would be like, I don't know tomorrow. We don't even know the location. And then we got these people coming and and and now this person is not talking this person and and and I don't think we're gonna get it done in time. And I was like, we're making a show called f Boy Island put everything in perspective. This doesn't matter. I mean it does, a lot of money is being invested in it. But everyone who makes this show and everyone who's on the show will die someday and and very relatively soon compared to the whole existence of life. Like that, you know, the world will go on, the show will be forgotten, We all will be forgotten. Does that make you feel better or worse? I don't know. That's a good question because it's like like then you're like, wait, am I doing something that I don't believe in? Or like I do believe in the show. That's the good thing. I believe in comedy and I believe in um telling the truth about things that everyone takes two seriously. So that is what I love about this show is that it's while it's you know, a fictional world, that things are taking place and the people are real, the emotions become very real, and the shows it's a comment on everything, and it's the best. It's that whole thing that I say about if you want to be a comedian, like the best advice I can give you, or if you want to be funny in life, just be honest, like always be honest. And that's the funniest thing because and I was thinking about the other day because someone asked me, like, what's the advice you give stand up comedians? And I was doing the whole thing of like, be a cool person to be around and people will hop you out and bring you on the road. And I was like, now, the best advice comedically is just, when in doubt, say the most honest thing. That's what roasting is. That's whatever, It's just honest. And why is that? Why is that the ticket to being funny? And the reason is because we're also full of ship. Everything we do is a lot everything every meeting you go on, every phone call you take, there is so much bullshit everyone is lying about. You know, when you say buenos dias to the woman at Starbucks, I don't really mean it's today is fine. I'm not like I don't really care if you have a good morning. When I say thank you, I do mean it. But everything we do is is fake. And I'm not trying to be like, uh, like emo about this, but it's it is funny that there is a talent you can have if you just don't be fake, because it is so pervasive, how fake everyone is all the time? Yeah, I think, like, you know, that's why I got into stand up because I felt like any time I worked in an office and I was in like I was in a meeting and I'm in a button down and the whole time, I'm like, what are we? What is this like? And I can't I really like can't be like I can't put it on, like I'll say the most wrong thing every time, or like you'll get too real. Like the other day when you ran into the director of our show in the elevator, you like hugged him. Yeah, I mean that's what you call. You call it hugging, but it was just being honest about being his dig in my mouth and I was, but you hugged him, and I think that was your honest thing was like I like this guy, I'm excited to see him, but it was awkward. You said it was a little awkward ed him, And it was like even that, like you have to just be fake all the all the time. Yeah, yeah, I mean I think like that's the you know, I got in the stand up because of that, and then I realized it. So everyone everyone in like New York like not New York by every kind of I did it. I was fake. I like I'd be a mike and not act like myself because I thought maybe it would be like a faster way to just climb up the rank because I'm older. I started old. I was just like, but that's why it's a talent to be honest, because if it were easy, then everyone could do it. But it's not, and it's only I mean something I didn't get. People are like, how do you? Just like, how are you so honest? And you're so like open. It's like it didn't start that way. You just over time realized. Oh, when I was a little bit honest about this, that got a good reaction, even though it was scary to be that honest. Let me try it again tomorrow and take a little for Oh they didn't like that. Let me pull back, and I gotta work on my confidence a bit more, because if you deliver honesty without confidence, people get weirded out. You know what it is is When I was in college, I would cheat on everything right, and I didn't care what anyone thought of me somehow, like I just didn't care. I just did and I was so honest with cheating that I was just like, this is I don't give a funk, Like I really don't, and so many people like me because I was just so ridiculous. And then in my in when I would work in like my job, I'd be like, I didn't care about getting promotion so I could be my honest self. But then once I did something where I actually cared suddenly to make more money or like get a sale or whatever, I would have been fake as ship. But because like that didn't even register to me, to like, I don't know why, I just didn't care about the whole point of afterlife is that when Ricky Gervaises his wife dies and he questions, like, what's the point of anything? We're all going to die, Um, I have nothing to live for the person I love more than anything in the world is gone and I don't want to ever replace her, and the world is not going to get better. He was like, what's the point if I don't If I don't care what anyone thinks about me, because the only thing that mattered to me is gone, then he's just an asshole constantly. But then he learns that the point of life is not to It's not about you it's about you helping other people. It's about your point in this world is not so that you get ahead and that you survive and are the best first and the real point of life is to be of service to others and to be there. So if you wanted to take your own life, go ahead and do that. But what you're doing is you're killing off like people's ability to have a better life, because you're going to be a conduit for that. So you can hold doors for people, you can listen to someone's problems, you can give someone a hug. Like it's kind of a beautiful message because the whole thing he wants to kill himself. And then this woman on that he talks to you on a bench is like, it's not your life, isn't You're not allowed to take your own life because you you might not want to live for you, but live for other people because you're taking that from them. Kind of it was. It was kind of a cool message. But it's the honesty thing. There's a difference between being a just a jackasshole that yeah, that's just being honest. That's just who I am, dude, That's who Mike is. He's like, I'm a piece of ship. Yeah, there's an asshole, and then there's someone that's just like doesn't is kind of aloof and like doesn't care aloof connotation of being kind of use that word to be uh an ass or trying to be cool. Oh yeah yeah ye, but yeah, just being just being confident. Like for example, when I went to Cafe Gratitude in l A and that's the place where you have to order things and you have to say like I am blessed and it means you're getting a caesar salad and you're like, but without without humbleness, and they're like, okay, no chicken or whatever, um or without humility. Sorry I used the word wrong word. Um. They also when they leave your table as they go to place to order, they go okay, um, I'll be right back with your drinks. And do you guys want to hear the question of the day And it's supposed to like spur this conversation that will be make you think about gratitude, you know, and um, when I was there with Lizzie Cooperman a couple of years ago, I've told the story, but the waiter was like, and would you guys like to hear the question of the day, and I just go no, and then he just walked away, and Lizzie was like, and I'm like, because it wasn't rude. He asked me a question. Why asked the question if I if the answer has to always be yes. He gave me an option when someone asked you a question, the you can know is an option always And it's not rude. I just didn't want the question of the day. I didn't want him to waste his breath. I didn't want to play this whole game of like I give a shit about this question that I don't. We already have enough to talk about. We are not one of those those two people that need something to generate conversation, which some days I am in that kind of situation. But I guess the only thing that I see there is like remember an office the office space the movie, like when you have to wear flair and you have to like no, no, But you know, but he's already getting that's not that question is not coming from him. It's coming from the people above him. Hey, you gotta it's like welcome to mos you gotta say it. So then I think, like that's the only reason why it's rude because he's already I don't why it would come off rude. I get it if someone's just like, hey, can I ask you questions? Do it more rude though? To force the customer to listen to the question. Or isn't it route for me to make this guy stand here and ask a fucking question that he isn't for sure? But I think if you said that, I think if you were going, why everyone time I just go no. We're good like no, It's just that's we don't need the question of the day. But maybe if you went no, I know they're just making you know, I don't need to say that. He asked me, do I want to hear the question of the day? And the answer is no, I don't, and that isn't That's see, this is the problem with our society is that no is a sentence. It doesn't need a caveat. It doesn't need you to explain it and to apologize for saying no. No is a full s I can't say no. It's so hard to say justice it without an excuse. Honestly, everyone needs to practice it because it's not something you need to apologize for that you don't want to do something and that you either don't have the time to do it. You don't need to say that. You don't need to explain why you can't go to a thing later to say I can't go Do you want to go to lunch later? No? It's a I know it sounds rude, but it can just be. It can when you have a real friend that's it may be an acquaintance. It's harder a real friend go no, I don't want to do it, and they're like, oh yeah, cool, no worries. It's just it's a shame to me that being honest is a talent nowadays, like America's got talent. When you're going there as a comedian, you're like, um, I'm really good with language and also I tell the truth. That's my talent. WHOA you just say what you're thinking? Oh my god, I don't understand it. Um, all right, we uh we're gonna go to break and then come back and talk more coming and we're back. Um. I was thinking about like when I worked in real estate and like an example of me just being completely honest. So I went out on in a truck with the guy who was uh, he either represented or he had like literally probably like a hundred million dollars or acclaimed he did, because they were looking at property that was thousands of eight and I just I had a mustache just because I was partying a lot. And I fell asleep in his truck while we're looking at a piece of property that was gonna sell for you know, fifteen million dollars where I would have made, you know, five hundred thousand dollar. I don't know, something crazy, and I'm just asleep and he's driving, obviously because I'm the client. He's the client driving truck and I just fell asleep. How did he How did he even get this guy as a client? Did he like, is he a family friend? Did he like no, no, he was from Miami, Like they drove up. Did he go, what the funk is wrong with you? Dude? I mean it's one. It's Florida too. It was during the market, like being just like crazy, so you know, it was just I was young. Yeah, I thought I was dead because I was so like amazing is that I was good? So then I just fall asleep and but like this is the thing. So he wakes me up. He wakes me up, and he's like, hey man, we're here. I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, it's pretty big. Like I didn't know anything about the property either. I was just like, yeah, it goes around and stuff. And he's just like he's like, you passed out. Man. I was like, dude, I got so funked up last night. And he's like I get it, Like and that honesty, and I kind of knew that he wasn't like a stuck up dude, Like he wasn't coming in like a like a Lincoln Aviate aviator or something like he was in like a pickup truck. Like the fact that I was honest of pumping hungover. Yeah, and then we got like beers after we saw it, like and yeah, a little haired it doll, but like that like honesty in that moment, I couldn't be any more honest, and it worked out in my favor. Now, he could have been more stuck up and like like whatever, like, but I don't know. It was just like like I I want to get back to that place where maybe I came off like a little bit of an asshole because I fell asleep. Yeah, I mean that's you're not you're not taking your job seriously, but you're falling asleep when this guy is going to pay you. Five thousand dollars of his money is going to go to you, and you're asleep on the way that he's driving to the property that you know nothing about and couldn't have even been bothered to google it, although you probably didn't have a smartphone at the time. Well, the problem is I just made like two thousand dollars pretty much doing nothing. So I was like, whatever, you must have just thought life was going to did you have any plans for your future? Like what were you going to do? I'd go to the A T M And just like rab it in my friend's face, like like like it is and just show them how much money I had in the bank account. And then like I remember, like me and Rusty we were going to have a meeting, and I was like, I don't know if we could have a meeting with this guy worked for my uncle and he's really meeting that should start with me and Rusty had a meeting? Is an a meeting of your friend is named Rusty is just so Rusty to third um. We we were sitting in the conference room and I'm like, dude, I was like my uncle's associate was coming and I knew he was four ft eleven and he's a very little man and he has like he's just likes like really high like this. And I told Rusty, I go, look, I want to be mature about this, but I know that laugh and in a room together client it's our boss. Oh god. Oh so I go to Rusty, I go, look, this was before he was our boss. Is like setting yourselves up to laugh more. Now. Well, I tell Rusty, I go, look just leave, let me just do this on my own. He's like, dude, I got it. And about this, I'll start the meeting. You walked by the you walk by the conference room, and you determine whether or not you think did he walk by? I just go, no, he walked by, and he goes. He just takes his head and just keeps going new and we're like twenty five years old. Like there's a little asshole. Dude. He would sit in my truck when I drive around my boss, and his legs would just go straight out and be like, I want to see the property. And then that's the one that saw come on, that's the sort I thought you were telling. Well, he's short enough where he was like yeah, I'd come all over my dress pants and he goes, is that come? We're was pumping gas and he goes, is that come? He looked. I go yeah, and again just being wait, you would just ejaculate in your work pants? So confused. No, he definitely mastered me. The last time he wore them at like a wedding or something, and then he just wiped it on the pants or his pants were on the ground when he was in his bed jerking off and he just grabbed them and smeared his hand. On the way to the bathroom residue, I think, what do you mean? Like I jerked off, put the pants back on. While put him back on, I got a little like I still had a little bit of com post com how are you alive? And he's like, does that come? I was like, yeah, the penis pump too. Yeah, I mean I mean every story what is this and you just go that's from penis pump. I think whenever I'm like, i'd be really bad in a hostage or not hot Oh my god, an interrogation like yeah, I would be terrible. Like did you kill the man? Yeah? I did with what did you kill him with? This gun? Yeah? That looks familiar. Wait, let me see. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right on the other side. Does it have my Oh yeah, that's I use the label label maker. Uh yeah, that's mine. Yeah. I'm no. I'm so bad at lying. I'm and I hate it because it makes the person think. Like usually the only time I'm lying is for a prank or something that is going to be revealed right after it. But I am not. I hate it because I hate pranks because you just lead the person to believe one thing, and whether or not you go I'm just kidding. There's a part of their brain, you know, like your the body remembers, and especially if it's like trauma, if you're saying something traumatic to them, their brain is like physically changed by that thing you did. And it doesn't go back and just erase it. And if it does, it leaves still leaves little you know, when you like a race pencil, but there's still a little behind. That's what fan. Yeah, it's like a raising it with one of those Oh my god, you know when you take the racer out and you could bite the metal. Don't do that? Why would you? I don't know what I'm thinking about. Is there anything worse than a rasing, something where the racer is all the way down and it's like kind of scratch it. Oh god, that's bad. You ever, you had not have a pencil sharp winterer bite it until you could writeth pencils, you know what, I don't like mechanical I love mechanical pencils because they're always sharp, but I hated it when it would go like like it would kind of like wobble, like it would just be a little too far out and it would be like it's like a car with no tires, just wheels on ground. The pencil that's really sharp, and you're writing on a clipboard, like one piece of paper on a clipboard, it makes like a it's like a perfect sound, like a husky pen I like a regular for're just seeing how things can sound terrible. The same thing can sound terrible, like chalk on a chalkboard. I love the sound of it, but nails on a chalkboard. Hell pencil like a doll pencil kill me. I kind of like chalk on my clothes, on my on my pants. I don't know why. Oh my god, my worst nightmare was in gymnastics. Person. I know you're listening and you know, talk about it because it makes my teeth hurt, you know, like maybe this isn't First of all, I hate cotton balls. I hate by the way right in on you hate like these life like oh I don't even yeah, like things that you just can't take that are the little things that you can honestly, pulling apart cotton balls is the grossest thing I can ever imagine, like that like like making cotton go like or you know, on like if you're wearing like cotton. Banna hates wearing socks. Socks are disgusting, so terrible. I hate them. They have to be very thin and like okay, like would you bend your knee in a pair of pants, I don't want to see any fibers on the silhouette of your knee, Like say your knee was like a son going over the horizon if you could see little fibers coming off of it and you tried to like pull those fibers. So my worst nightmare is chalky socks. Like but when we used to gymnastics, we put our shoes in a cuppy with the chalk or with with the socks, and then you also had chalk for the parallel bar or uneven bars, and Kirsten what you're saying where she she would be like chucky shocks and she would take her socks and like get chalk on her hands and put them on the sock, and then she put she'd bite this sock like the very tip of the socks, just like I don't mind a whole bite of a chunk of a sock where it's all but the small bite where it's like barely hanging on it, like become threadbare is disgusting. But here's the thing. I like thread. I like I would take thread out of my shirt and cause a hole lot because I couldn't stop, Like once I get a little, if I get a little thread out, I'm going for all the thread. My thing is as a lefty, mechanical pencils that spin on top are terrible because if you're lefty, you close them where you while you're writing. The mechanical pencil either has to be a bottom guy or a side guy. Lefties get this. Also, lefties, we would get graphite or whatever, remember graphite being scared of like getting graphite poisoning or lead poisoning from a pencil. Yes, because you call it lead, but it's not really made of lead. But that was a thing that you were scared about. And then I remember I threw a pencil one time out the door. I tried to throw it out the door and it hit It hit the top of the door, so it went right into my finger. I still have it. If I have hit the top of the door, you could literally you. So I hid the Wait the letter is in your finger, Well, it's graphite. I thought it was lead, I thought as a young kid. I was like, this is explained so much. No, what do you have anything that make you go your kickyard that maybe you want to talk like a grandma? Cover your teeth? Can you ever stable your finger? No? No, luckily not. But I mean that will like everyone kind of squirm. That is a cause its blood tissue. What do you hate? No, the behind the snee grab, the behind the knee grab, I can't stand. It drives me crazy. Nails on a chalk board, or just like grinding teeth, Like if I hear someone grinding their teeth, it just makes me crazy. I hate cracking fingers like I like a good like a really um like a I don't know with a like a thumb crack. I don't mind when it sounds like a like a snap, like a lighter snap, it's disgusting. But if it's like a cool like if it's like a net crack, I don't mind, because it's like a thick bone. But if it's like a like the like finger cracks, disgusting. When they pull your toes at a massage, stop that. I don't mind if you like rip my Bunyon knuckle because it's a thicker bone. But I don't like that little thin crispy. I don't like the fingerpool because I bite my nails and I think they're judging me because they could feel the fact that my nails. You think they're dredging your nails. When they're doing a full body massage, that's the one place they're focusing in on. Andrew and I got massages yesterday. I could also crack my knuckles more after during college, and I thought I had a disease because I could common theme in your life. Yeah, we're current. Maybe it's the lead from the lead Turkey tar. We gotta go, let's go to break and come back. Oh wait no, let's just start the news. Wait, I do want to talk about our massage yesterday though? What do you what? It was your experience? We they we went to this massage place and they thought we were a couple and they took us into a room to get couple of massages, and we were like no, no, no, no, no no now um And then they took us another room and just put up a light curtain in between us, and I'm like, oh, this is pretty much the same time. Yeah, I'm like, can I like have my space because like, I snore. I feel like I was going to be rude because I snore during my massages a lot of times. How do you know you snore? Um? So I sometimes wake myself up with snoring my way. You want to know something pretty funny. People don't know they snore because when they wake up, they're not snoring anymore, and they think they just woke up from a set. Like I've heard people men that I've been next to on a couch and they're snoring. They'll wake themselves lives with a snore. The thing that wakes you don't know what the sound is that wakes you up. You just wake up and then it's gone. You know what I'm saying no, I'm pretty sure I knew. One time I farted. One time I farted on my No. One time I farted daring a massage and I was naked in like and the towel was down below my knee, and when I farted, my reaction was to cover my ask with the with the with the blanket. Like that was like so awkward. Did you wake yourself off with the fart? And so you just like rushed to do something and that was your reaction. It's so funny what we do when we're like in a panicked state in those moments, and you're like, I just gave it away so much. And what was I covering up? Like a Was I covering the smell of the fart? Was I scared of the fart? Was I like magic bree that might have been spewed into the air? Yeah? And she laughed for like five minutes while missy. I remember getting a massage and the girl was so sick while massaging me, what like she was sniffling, Yeah, and like had like my back and was rubbing snot into my back and I just took it. Oh, I've seen that on like a some kind of video where people where they spit on the person's face and they're making it seem like they're giving them like a facial and like putting it on like different like warm you know, lixers, and it's just spit um. Andrew, yesterday's massage, will you go back? Because yeah, for sure we got an hour full body, and then yeah for a full body, and then we did a half hour foot massage. But when she started doing my feet, she sucked so bad at the feet part that I go, we're cutting this short. I'm not doing an extra half hour feet And I didn't realize that the half our feet was being put in the middle of the full body, so that I was just cut short, you know what I'm saying. Also, an hour and a half is that I mean, what are you doing with your lifeired? I know, I was like, who am I to get a ninety minute massage? That was like then I watched you know, four hours of TV with no Yeah, you probably could have got another half hour. That massage was really good, but I wanted her to focus. It's it's so weird because I want to go get my like I want to get my bunyans like worked on and tortured, and in time, I went to this place in New York that was like guaranteed to do what I wanted someone to do my bunions, which is like really hurt them and like try to break them off and like you know, just get all that like built up callous and like calcification, just like get it out. And she went and she's like, so where is the pain. Where does it bother you? And I'm like, oh, it doesn't. I want you to cause pain. I was like, I realized what I want is not them to feel better. I want someone to make me feel worse. Like when I go in for a massage, I don't want to walk out and go I've been to massages before where she's like, did we fix it? And I would go, um, yeah, and I'm mad, like I want to be pain. I don't want it to go away. I just want you to torture that muscle and just like make it hurt. And I don't really care if it goes away. I just wanted to keep hurting. Interesting, I thought you might wanted to hurt because you know at the end of that will be no pain. No. I like muscle pain and I like paint. And I like, I'm not I get what you're saying because I go for that because people always want to heal you, and I'm like, no, no, no, that's not what I want. I want you to hurt me. It sounds like, yeah, you gotta get on the Craigslist. I think, like, um, I get that though, Like after I work, like pain makes you feel like you accomplished something. Yeah, yeah, that's like my whole That's what it is. Like the only thing that makes you feel like I'm able to enjoy anything is if I've suffered first, or after, or daring the whole time, just at suffered. Can you try to say during like during, No, I'd rather be painful, turkey tear. Let's go to break and come back with the news. All right, let's get to the news first. First, all right, it's third day, folks. You know what that means. It's not virns, it is wavess. I hope you're having all the swells. We are down here in Cabo shooting a show, Perfect Strangers, season two. It's pretty good. Buci's here. He's addicted to Heroin. It's pretty cool, all right. Hotel workers reveal the most shocking things left behind by guests. Okay, oh wow, okay, lube inside a phone the stands. An employee he used to work out a hotel and Las Vegas trip high roller left three eight grand, three thousand dollars inside a suite in the safe, so you gotta return to I mean, that's not and they came back for that, right, You're not just like misplacing that like and not calling back to the hotel and just being like, you know what it was, I wasn't ever meant to have it. You're not pulling up said, they cleaned the safe after you leave. I guess probably in a back up so that they can, oh yeah, the next guy can come. Yeah wow, okay, dollars you know much money you have to have to leave behind? Three Maybe not that much and you're just a degenerate. But anyways, a housekeeper found hundred of live hundreds of live crickets in a room. Well, that sounds like the place I'm staying right now. I found those. We threw crickets inside our own fraternity house to as pledges to funk with like people that live there, because you can't get rid of crickets and you're going to live there eventually right, yeah, eventually, and you know that the people living there aren't going to take care of that issue ever. That's why I burned down the house. Oh my god. Okay, someone said they found a literal crack pipe and a freezer that's been found. I met a lot of people have found those literal crashes in free In another room, the bathtub was full of dirty diapers. That's oh god. The worst part was someone had taken a ship on the bed. Not a smear of ship, an actual fucking large turn. And I'm staying at what is the most embarrassing thing you've left or you've forgotten at a hotel? Oh? God, dignity? I Um, I don't know that's a good question, because I think there have been things I've left behind that I go, well, that just has to go. Um. I think it's just generally, um, well, you know, today, I was the maid's probably gonna come by later, and I I definitely did some stuff to myself last night and had a bed full of and uh I put it all And I was thinking I very easily could have forgotten to put all of that in because usually when I'm at home, I just like leave it in the bed to find it later because I'm just like, you know, I only use one portion of my very like you know, my Queen's size bed. I mean, you only use like maybe less than a twin size amount of it. So um, yeah, I just threw it in the drawer afterwards, and probably maybe just like gross food, you know, like I used to just eat really disgusting things, so I think like a lot of but I always try to clean it up in a way that they're not having to like actually do gross things with it. Um, you do the thing like when people don't eat all their peas, so they like spread it around. Yeah, well I just package it up, you know, in a way that. Yeah, but it's like you try to make it more preventable while it's still there. My room was really dirty when I moved, Like I just had a bunch of things, and she organized it so well, and I just felt so bad, like having to organize like just little things. I know, I know that I shouldn't just tip your maids. These tip hotel maids, and it's gonna be a different Maide Andrew, you don't know which one did it. You got to find that one. You go down to the front hosk and you go whoever clean blah blah blah room, and then you leave money for him because that woman hopefully she stole from you. I have so too, my passports gotten. But I did a segment on my show Not Safe with Maids where I asked them, like what was the most disgusting things that they found it? Or like, what's the thing in the room that's the grossest. And it's obviously like the top sheet thing that they never wash that like, always take off the top sheet if you're staying like a cheap hotel. Generally at nice hotels, they washed the duvet. I think, um, but pillows, they said, are so disgusting the pillows. I love when a whole like organization, like it's one thing to not wash your own duvet when you live alone or whatever. But I just love the whole company that like it's like they're like, it's well, are so hard to put on a bed. They probably think that if we if we only wash these once a month, we're probably saving hundreds of thousands of dollars over the course of several years in terms of the labor it takes to the hours that if we're playing these people hourly is a big part of that. I just love when a culture of one becomes like of ladies, you know what I mean, It's just so funny to me, Like because duvet's there's got to be a better way. I mean, I was taking you had your duvet that you left on your queen size bed car, Like I changed the sheets on car on the bed that you left because I was like, there's no way these have been changed. There was no no but it was just they were used. It was calm, but I definitely changed the duvet. And I did it with my fingernails. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I was just like it was I just don't want I listen. I have tons of fluids all over mine, but they're my fluids. You like, I don't want to touch your fluids, And I don't want touch Brenda's fluids either. I don't touch anyone's fluids. But duvets are so disgusting. Sheets are so gross, and it's so funny. Jim Gaffigan has a great bit about hotels, how like we will never we would never buy a used mattress. You'd be like, you've got to use met never buy you use towels or a used rope. But we go to a hotel and that has been used so many fucking times you might even buy the used rope because you're like, this is so luxurious and it's been worn by like hundreds of people. I wonder whatever it is a Google's never mind, like a duvet that doesn't come off, like and then you can just wash the blanket without like why is there that not a thing? Yeah, they do. That's what they put in. That's a blanket, is what you put inside. But you put it in there so you protect to so you don't have to wash it because their pains in the has to wash. And I think it's called a comforter. Yeah, comforter. Yeah, okay, next year start alright. Spotifies in the process of removing Neil Young's catalog, long does it take to remove something in the process? This is fucking break just when people say, like it has to uploaded, just take it off. Things are so fast digitally in the process. What do they have to slowly type in his name and then select all and then delete boom done? I mean, you know, and then like really, only Horse with No Name is the only song that has a lot of listens and guess what um good for Neil Young. He didn't think that was going to make them. Actually, you know, well he's coming out with a new album. It was good. Whoever thought of it there doesn't need any more money. But the thing catalog is sold, so he's not million dollars he sold it. Well, you don't think it has anything to do with him coming out with a new album. People always want more. No, I think he actually is standing up for what's right. I mean a lot of people are fucking sick of this, but it's just I mean, you could be you're suspected about everything. I'm not. I'm not. I'm such not a conspirace UFOs. I'll just like you think coming out with new fucking tour Aliens every time there's you think those Aliens are going out with a new tour, the try to promoters. Yeah, on the new movie Alien seven coming out. Yeah, I just think that it's a weird time. Like I just think that, like you still want more money whenever you you want more fame, especially when you're older, Like this is a way for him to like be in the news, Like how else is he going to be in the news. I think Kanye does ship like that all the time, like people do it all the time. Bill Young has always been someone who like is is a you know, he's a protester. He stands up for what's right and loves America, and it's just a but then people are like, if you stand up for what's right and freedom of speech, but then you're trying to silence Joe Rogan thinks he's doing the same thing. So yeah, I know, I know, I know. The problem is why Trump was taken off Twitter is because it leads to people being harmed. Freedom of speech is only protected under the guise of your not harming anyone, and spreading misinformation about climate change in the vaccine and covid is it's harming people. And Spotify claim that they've removed twenty other podcast episodes and also um they were talking like forty episodes of Joe Rogan's so it's not that he doesn't have any of this. I don't listen to Joe like actively to podcast, so I don't know what's going on, But you know, I just heard recently that he's had you know, Brent, I listened to both about those podcasts or Jordan Peter and he's not like forcing anyone to do anything because he's just talking. So I don't saying what he believes. It's it's the problem, the problem. He's not even saying anything he believed. He just asked questions of these doctors. I've seen quotes where he's like, if I were a young person, I would not get the vacue like he gives advice. So I have seen those quotes before, like specifically Becord he has on apparently they talked about there's no climate change and saying that scientists are making this up. Neil Young. I mean that's where I I like the COVID stuff. I just like, I'm just tired of even paying attention to any of it. But when someone questions climate change, I just what would be the point of doing that? Like who was making money off of spreading? You can find you can find doctors that like whatever your narrative is, it can doctor that leans back in his chair, yeah, with the long hair and stuff, and everyone's like, man, he's a doctor though he went to you know, Johns Hopkins for eight years ago, but he also you know, killed nine But I you know, I love Joe Rogan. I think he's a nice guy and uh so, and I do not listen to a show, so I don't understand, but I just read some you know, and maybe the headline I read was totally I did see a video of on ttok of TikTok and uh and he had this guy on and he was like, my okrada whatever. Some ship with your heart is caused by the vaccine and young people more than COVID. And then guys like that's not true, like COVID. Actually, it's like you're six times more likely to get it. And Joe Rong was like, no, I read it different, and the guys like, no, you're wrong, and jo was like, no, I saw it, pull it up. And then he starts reading it and it's like he's definitely wrong, like Rogan's wrong, and and they and you just see him go well and then he goes, well, who wrote this? And it's just like, but that's what you use like the other way, and that's what everyone does. I read this thing and you go, you read it. But he uses publications that fit his narrative. Like that's where I like one clip from a three hour show. I think, like it's just you have to remember that clips tell one story and then the whole show tells that clip had all the contexts from it. Yeah, of three hours, I know, but I mean I look, that clip was exactly It's exactly what happened in that two minutes whatever it was. I think like the guy claimed, Joe claimed something that wasn't true. The guy claimed something that argued it, and then he's was proven wrong and then said if Joe would have looked up something and it would have proved him right, he would be like, see it's right, of course. But those who wrote that, yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean that's what everyone does when something. He addressed it after the fact, like he he talked about that clip. I don't remember what he said because it was a little bit ago, but at least he like owned up to it or like addressed it and explained what he meant or whatever. Look, I don't have like I just think, like, I don't know he. I just think that he However you feel about the vaccine, I'm definitely like, I think people should take it that even if he's just questioning it. Him questioning it and makes people then like not want to take it. Yeah, but it's you know, so it is what it is. But he just well, the issue is is he needs to realize the power he has and what he wants to do with that power. Like it's it's no, there's he's just people he's doing something good with that power. That's come on, you can't, you can't. I'm not say I know that's an extreme, but everyone thinks you're doing good right right, Like Hitler thought he was doing something right. You can't compare. I'm not saying Joe Rogan's Hitler. I'm saying the thought process of like, well, he thinks he's doing the right thing. That doesn't Alex Jones thinks he's doing the right thing when he said Sandy Hook is a is a hoax, you know what I mean? He thought he was doing the right thing by showing what's really going anyone who gives that guy a platform, Alex Jones, after what he's done to those families of that lost children and Sandy Hook is uh, that's the biggest issue I've ever Like, there's a great Same Harris podcast about that recently. What those people have had do you know the Sandy Hook parents have had to relocate, like moved ten times, some of them because they are, they got docs and people's stalk them, think that they're fake, that their actors and these kids kids were It's like the worst thing I've ever heard. The fact that Alex Jones is allowed to have ever a microphone in front of his face is despicable that he's caused that for those people. And the problem is the nut jobs who take this ship seriously. Yeah, I I tend to not have as much of a I don't care if people question things or whatever. But it's like, you're also like smartest. I don't know. I just think like dumber people will take whatever you say and then like multiply it by a ton. Yes, you know what I mean. You have to realize that people are will look at You're talking about a comedian today who I think gets trash and like one of the dumbest people, like the worst comedians going. And we were talking about someone who opens for them, and like, we don't think that person is that funny, and you were like, and it's just like weird that this person who opens the girl that opens for this guy thinks that she's really funny. And I go and like post these clips where she's killing and I go, yeah, because those audiences are fucking stupid. They'll laugh at and if you went up and for those audiences, you would fucking kill. These people are morons and they need to be entertained too. But it's like it's it's not even it's there's you wonder is it the person who's doing it or the person the people who are listening and um, and also these people have money. Stupid people have money too. Let's wrap this up and go to fan trax. Alright, no, what do you have for us this week? Okay, I have a really fun story from Sophia to start with. Okay, Okay, Nicky, Andrew and Noah, Okay, this is really random that I was listening to today's episode. We were talking about UM like breathing heavily on UM game Boy game to try to like get them to work again, and it just brought back this memory that I always thought was so weird. So I wanted to share this with you guys. I was a dancer and whenever the CD would skip in the studio, UM are crazy as dance teacher would be like just flush them. So it was kind of like an honor if you've got to take the c D to the toilet and we put it in the toilet and flush, soul just circle around the toilet to like clean it would it wouldn't go down her hands and back in the toilet, bool, take out the CD, dry it and give it back to her and um it was so again what Um? Yeah, I'm not really sure if that was like to put her hands in the toilets, but we all thought a really really fun I don't know, I just want to share that. Wait, why not the sink? Why did toilet? Because it would swirl around and it's kind of cool because it doesn't go down the drain and so it's just fun as a kid to like put something in toilet and flush it and watch it go like and also why did that work? And do you remember how many different techniques there were to make your CD not skip? I used to lick it like, uh, I would take it on my jeans and I would scrub it like I would spin it around on my jeans. But that's probably where it got crud and then it would skip because it was it would fix it and then it would eventually skip again. But but why would it skip again too? Like why does it skips? But why because it got scratched doing what what was going on? Being bouncing around and different things in your you know, in the I mean I was, you must have terrible with CDs. If I was, oh my god, my c I was some people who are like organized books with all the liner notes and everything. I'd have a book. I'd start with a book, it up and then slowly the CDs were on the ground. They were school. I have two CDs left that were good, and it was Hoodie and the Blowfish because I didn't listen to it or like. It was like two CDs that like got played twice and I like one song on it. Like any CD I wanted was just what I have. I have so many c ds that I've collected and I cannot listen to any of them because there's no way to play CDs anymore. No, there's no CD players ever. Sometimes you get in the car that's still like a rental car still has it. But um, I used to love god. CDs were so satisfying when they'd go and you'd like feed the player and they'd go like and it would like eat it. And then it would be like do you remember having like a ten c D changer to be like the cartridge they you put in your car in the middle and click miss clicks like you don't get his money clicks. And I love like satisfying, like machines just going like please Okay. Next, I like a CD player, like where you close the yellow one that you get that little clip. Oh it is a tape player. Maybe the yellow It was like a yellow walkman. It was like when she's stronger. It was a sports walking. I just love a crunchy clothes, an old car phone that you would clip. Oh my god, have you played that? Pay attention to me on on TikTok where they try to recreate noises like it's like, okay, Andrew, you want to play it really quick, just really quick. Okay, make this noise. No no, no, no, no with your mouth. It's not great any noise. Oh that's good. Give me one more. Give you one more. I want to try it. Okay, wait, no, what you get one too? Okay one second? Hold on. That was me writing your name on a piece of paper. Okay. Next. Next, fan threats everyone, here's Victor. Hey, Nikki, Andrew, Noah, my name is Victor. I just fetched wrapped up, catching up on all the episodes. Uh, definitely a big fan of Yours and the podcast. I wanted to comments on episode fourteen and the story of Nikki entering a party and Andrew doesn't recognize their for a second, so Nicky breaks into a silly dance to try to avoid the sexualization. I thought that was one of the funniest stories of all of the podcast, and that reminded me of in college, me and my friends had a senior house and we never closed the front door. Um, but there was a screen door, so if somebody did enter, you know, the whole house could hear it. And I don't know why this started, but eventually, you know, anytime one of us comes in through the front door, we'd all be like, oh, look who it is, Look who's here, and just kind of, you know, give each other ship. And you know, long after this precedent was set, one day, I'm in the living room. I can't see the front door, but obviously I hear it open, and I immediately jumped into, oh, look who it is. And then I just ceased to mail dropped into the hallway and it was our post office, you know, person delivering because you know, we don't have a mailbox, and obviously the doors not closed so they can't use the little kind of opened the screen door and tossed it in, and I was so embarrassed in my roommates. Never let me live it there look again, the fucking federal worker. It is yeah, yeah, it all. Mr Ship stays so embarrassing when you talk to someone in a way that you usually talked to some again, just go, like, remind me of Swingers scene when the guys at the door is he brown? Is he is he clean? Does he want to have some? I don't know. You reference Swingers all the time, and it's just it's lost on me twice, but no that I hear Swingers references so often sometimes I think, I like, why does every man in my life know that movie so well? Why do you feel so seen by it? Because there's sad men calling women over and over? Whatever? It is all right, next day, Thank you, Victor. That was great. Oh yeah, let's go the final thought. Okay, here's um a voicemail from Sarah. Hi, Nikki, Andrew and Noah, this is Sarah. I'm just worried that I made my mom listen to the podcast, and oh my god, my sweet Irish Christian mother has been making anal jokes NonStop too when you listen, I'm sorry this pitch has had a sexual awakening at the right page of sixty five since becoming the bestie and man and yeah, I also just wanted to say a quick thank you to Nikki for blind to a DM my son about eating the sort of recovery stuff. And it was really nice to have someone give it to me straight as this is what worked for me take or leave it instead of preaching. Um. But yeah, gay recovery and new angle at the weekend and I feel so good about everything, So thank you NICKI. Um, yeah, you guys are all absolute sweethearts. I love the podcast so much. Thank you. What was her name, Sarah? Sarah, I love you so much. I think I've anything I wish. She told us. One of the anal jokes are, no, I want to hear what your mom after hearing her mom talked about her asshole. Yeah that's if you have a binge eating disorder, just get your mom to talk about a lot and then stop. Um, Sarah, that was so nice and I believe you're the same Sarah that often watches the Instagram lives and I think I remember talking to you just very recently, So thank you for saying that and reaching out. And um, I love the way you say mother motort her Christians. So she listened to it and now she talks about eating Sarah found us. You know, sometimes I wonder how we how people even find this podcast part of me, Like envisions are like like in a in like um like hills of green of Ireland, And somehow she came across this little like iPod like al and she's like, what's on here? And then it's like I take it in the ash. He's like, my mother needs to hear this, and she runs back to her village. And I picture like someone was at one of our shows and got a Nicky Glazer podcast sticker and it blew in the wind and then it traveled across the Atlantic and landed on the green slopes of Ireland and she was like out collecting milk or something in a bocket, and then it blew up to her foot and she goes, oh, what's this, mother, And then she just down. I think it's a sticker of the Nicky Glazer podcast. And then she goes, oh, she looks like a fine loss and then she typed it into her like a local library because they didn't. I don't don't want know why I'm making this like she's living like in like Liverpool, like in a high rise in Ireland. By the way, No, a liver like a pool made a lift. Okay, we gotta wrapp Do we have time for one more? Sorry? Sure your life. Let's um, let's get this message from McKay. McKay McKay, Hey, gang, it's McKay here, a huge fan of the show, Nikki. I really just loved your attitude the other day, UM, towards men with smaller penises. Um. I've actually made it my life mission to always share this story. I have about a time where I met a man and he actually had a micro penis, and he was really hesitant to show me, which was totally fine. You know. I'm sure it's been like a really embarrassing experience in the past, but honestly I was okay with it, um, because he didn't really want to do anything sex wise. But when I tell you, his finger popping game was absolutely immaculate. I mean, his tongue game was great too. But really, I've just never come so hard off of someone fingering me alone. Um and so yeah, just I always just want to share with Almond Allman, because you know, there's there's the too small, the too big, and the just right, and all men should just know how to please those of us with vaginas without their penis. There's there's so many other body parts that you can use that will get the job done and honestly probably better. Um. So yeah, I just wanted to throw that out there too, just because I feel like that is on everyone who is sleeping with someone with the penis, Like we just have to keep educating them on how vagina's work. I love you guys, have a great day. What a great close to the show. Yes, I feel like the best orgasms I've had in bed have been with fingers. Uh and obviously toys, but really above penises, penises do feel great. There's a connection to be had when there's one inside you. It does feel good. But I gotta be honest, the best orgasms are finger induced, so unless you have micro fingies, but that's yeah, you know, any comments, no, okay for once? Oh wait you closed with no, I like that? Did you just realize what you did? I didn't, But that was a great fucking you just didn't Yeah, but that was great, full sentence. Thank you guys so much for listening. Have such a good weekend and don't be cut out there and check dude by the pool. Liverpool in the Poolmato Livers younger

The Nikki Glaser Podcast

Every Monday through Thursday, comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced 
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