Nicky Grass, Yes, throw it out, Andrew, what's up? Catcoon? Oh my god? Hello? Wow, that bass is strong. Welcome to the Welcome to the first show of the JFL Escapes, Cancoon. How are y'all feeling, uh this afternoon? Yes? How many of you are confused as to what's happening over here right now in the back. Yes, look at this. Huh so much HPV in that pool. Huh, my god kills it and COVID COVID will kill it. What's gonna die first? HPV or to COVID? Who knows? We'll see it's a battle. I feel the same way about. Oh, It's like I'm gonna get it. You know, I'm gonna get it. I hope I don't give it to my parents and uh, that's who you're gonna get it from. I did kissing my dad on mouth till I was twenty six, and he stopped. He was like, I can't do this anymore. NICKI No, I tried. The weird part is I'm sorry to just jump into this. Hi. Welcome to the show everyone. This is the Nicky Glazer Podcast. We're so happy to be here in the rain in Cancoon. Uh podcasting to a bunch of people standing in a pool, probably pissing. Um, who's Pete in the pool so far? Let me just get honest, No women are raising just one girl, two girls? Alright, he took a ship. Who's the real person that took it? Hell yeah? Hell yeah? Who's the hero here? Yeah? Back to my dad kissing me on the lips. Um, It's it's like a thing in my family. I've covered it before in the show, but like, my dad did insist that my family kiss on the lips, like as kids, it's not a weird thing. And he always was like, you know, don't be weird about it. When I got to be an adult and I was like, Dan, I don't want kiss on the lips an where he's like, don't, don't make this out to me being creepy. He was always like, my my, I kissed my dad on the lips. And I'm like, but he died when you were eleven, Like that's the appropriate time to stop. And he's like, oh, you're right, But so I made him. The weird thing is I made him stop kissing me on the lips for at the age of twenty six. I'm thirty seven now. The other day he went to go see one of my like my show in Chicago, and he was like crying afterwards because I talked about anal too much. And um also he was proud and uh no, he was very emotion He was like he was just like so proud and it was sweet. And it was weird though, because he came in to hug me and I go, Dad, you want to kiss And I gave him a kiss on the lips, which is even weirder to be like, here's your reward, daddy. Like that made it worse somehow like it. So I went down on my mom after the show. She is in a wheelchair. She is in a wheelchair. She's still wearing jeans. I just ate through it. God, Andrew, people are swimming, like Drew, but these people are swimming. Um, guys, we are so excited to be here. I just woke up legit an hour ago. Um I yea waken up? You wake it up late? Um I you could literally say anything in the hooting. Do you want to test it? Do you want to test it? Andrew? Yeah, I'm going to jail for manslaughter. Yeah it was a child It was more like child slaughter. Spring. It's like the idea of the cardtel listening from far away, just outside the gates of this enclosure, just with a cup against the gate. Um. So yeah, we're in Cancoon. I we are in a very nice resort, uh, the Barcelo. Yes. We passed about ninety three different resorts on the way to this one from the airport, but this one had the best sign. I have to say. Like, I was like this one, We're going to the right place. This place. I've never been to a place like this that is like a compound, like all inclusive. Right, hard rock. This girl's screaming hard rock? What's that about. I think she's just here to promote the hard rock in Atlantic City, which is a separate issue altogether. But what do you mean by that? Don't ask her. It's fine. She was just talking about the douce she just took in the pool. It's sunk right to the bottom. Um, blame it on the dog. So I slept till thirty. You texted me. I think in the morning. We're You're supposed to go golfing in the morning with Nick who was a part of the JFL Show, and then Andrew Santino. We were all we hung out last night in my hotel room. I keep you guys out eventually because it was like I was tired and I was tired of talking shit about other comics. And uh, we did a lot of ship talking last night. It was really fun. But um, uh Joey, No, I'm just kidding. No, we didn't. No, no, I'm just thinking. I'm only saying that for the listeners of the show. Who know, I love Joe Koy, but there's a thing that he does that. Uh you know, if you don't know, if if you want to get a standing ovation as a comedian, just wait, after you're done, just do this. Thank you so much, thank you so much. Oh my gosh, you guys, thank you, thank you so much. And then everyone will stand eventually because they have to leave. Uh So, anyway, we were just it was really fun. Well they're already standing in the pool. Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point. I thought they'd float a little higher. So last night, I we went to bed and I slept in today till here's I pulled an Andrew today though, because I have to admit I forgot a toothbrush and I have not brushed my teeth in Um, you know twenty four hours over twenty four hours. Thank you so much. A right, you're in You're in Mexico, baby, Yeah, that's yes. I Oh my god, I did swish with the drinking water. Is that okay? Yeah? Oh you're dead, You're dead? Yolo. Um I I just did the thing where you pour. I squirted toothpaste in my mouth and then with my finger I went like dish and then I also I also flossed with you do yearly? And uh, what's that? Did you bring a toothbrush here when it happened to Mexico stays here? Yeah? I mean so maybe tell me. I don't know. I don't know. I just felt good there, just like a good excuse. It feels like anything. You get away with anything. But I realized if you don't so, I have always wondered why Andrew doesn't brush his teeth. First time, I fucking brush. You're telling all these people I don't fucking brush. I brush list if you don't listen to the show. Andrew and I live together in St. Louis, Missouri, and one time St. Louis go cards. I don't know anything about sports. Um, I just like playing cards and greeting cards and and go carts. Actually, when people say go cards to me, I'm always like go carts. Um I uh. One day I walked into Andrew's room and in his shower, I saw a toothbrush on the floor, which, listen, I'm a grubby person, and I don't care about germs. I don't find I don't care about that. I feel like that tooth brush is probably cleaner than most. Yes, yes, because it's getting all the water and all your body hair. Well, I saw your vibrator on your underneath your bed, on the carpet, Like, what's cleaner? Before I put it back there the carpet. I'm not putting that in my well. Okay, I did putting it in my mouth. Sometimes let's put in your well. Not when it's on vibrate. That'll break a tooth. But you know, um, when I have cankers and uh so, do you think you're gonna get some vacation cock you think? Wait, I'm not done talking about your toothbrust. I was trying to switch it up. Well, what I have to say is that I understand now. I never understood how you could wake up and not brush your teeth because your breath just tastes so bad. But if you eat something right away or drink something with flavor you it goes away. So you can just not brush your teeth and not even notice. So I'm on board, man, I'm on I'm getting gingivitis, I'm getting HPV, I'm getting I ain't getting vacation cocks though, Did you just bring that up? Yeah, vacation cock. Is there any way that any of these gentlemen can woo you in a way that will have sex in a in a hammock? Well, I do not hammock, you know, are there hammocks? Oh, there's hammocks over there. Or the bathtub that's on the balcony. I feel like they just ordered extra bathtubs here when they were creating this place, and they were like, we didn't leave room to put these inside. Is there any place because they look very out of place on the balcony. It's like it's too much. It's not like a jacuzi or like a spot. It's like a bathtub, like it has like the the grip on the bottom for like it looks like a handicap bathroom where there's nothing wrong with that, but no, nothing at all. Yeah, because there's no there's no get you know, there's no push back, and then you hump once and then it swings. But if you get with the swing, maybe it could do. You know that Mormons when they do the thing of everyone knows about soaking, right, like Mormons are supposed to have sex. You're a Mormon on the bridge over there? Oh no, but you just know about it. You listen to a podcast about Mormonism. Okay, got it, girl. So Mormons, I didn't know this. But they're so creative, so they're not allowed to have sex before marriage, right, so, but they're so horny, so a lot of times they will do the thing called soaking where they just put the penis in and because it doesn't go back and forth, it doesn't count as sex, right, like God doesn't see it. But then the weird part is I just found this out. Maybe a lot of you know, they'll get their friends to jump on the bed so that they're not actually doing it and it's their friend's fault. Or they wait for an earthquake and that's a little bit more time consummate, but more private of course, and God actually causes the earthquake because you're soaking and he's mad. It seems like he's into it. So that's kind of like the same idea as a hammock. That, yeah, you soak on a hammock and then two buddies push it around. Have you ever had sex on a hammock or a vacation sex. I've had sex on a water bed, and it's similar, I guess you know. Oh yeah, it's hard. It's hard to funk on a water bed. Yeah, because no one has a water bed anymore. Where do you find one? That's the hard part. I'm from Florida, everywhere they're still around. That's where they all get your kid. You get your own little water bed and then you grow up to a big daddy water bed. Andrew have a question for you, like, based on what we thought this would be, doing a live podcast in the rain in Cancoon for a bunch of people in a pool that are really here maybe to see Andrew Santino, what did you feel this is going so far? How do you feel it's going so far? Me too? I feel the same place. I agree, I agree, I agree. I feel like Polly Shore on spring Break. You know, remember when he would just like grope women and everyone be like that's Polly, you know it's raining. I love that we're all well older than is anyone in college here. No one should be yelling spring break past thirty. You're in college right there. Awesome ring break, grad school going back? Okay, yeah, hell yeah. Uh I um, I am getting really wet, uh not because of that hat you're wearing. Um no, I am. I'm ever. It is for those of you listening for so by the way, this podcast for our listeners, and I do hope that you all get on board with this podcast because it's generally not as chaotic because this I'm having fun. So far we've got you've listened, you've listened, Thank you. That was hilarious that a girl in the front row of the pool, which is I've been is a thing I've never said, just told me. She goes, I've listened, and usually someone goes, I'm a listener, or like I love it, but she's like, I've given it a whirl. I've listened. Like she's talking about going to Vietnam or it wasn't easy, but it is. Thank you so much for your service and listening to our podcast at one time. I hope you get to board planes early um no, if you do listen to this podcast. Um we this is going to be airing on Thanksgiving. So I just want to give everyone at home and everyone here, I just a happy Thanksgiving. I don't know. Uh, I just want to say I hope you're I hope this is good for you to adequately like, you know, avoid your family today all those like things that everyone said, every meme that's circulating today about like, well, your family sucks and it's better to be alone, you know, Like every meme on Thanksgiving is just like don't bring up politics or do to like alienate yourself from your uncle who molested you, like you know, I don't know, it's always about that. Yeah, I don't bring up politics at dinner. I mean I just don't know, because you don't know anything about politics anywhere. You don't bring anything with me. I'll tell you everything. Um, who is the Secretary of State? What state? I shouldn't ask questions I don't know the answer to. I have no idea. Does anyone know? You know? We're all in who No, No, that's a thanks having dish. Um. Okay, so I did you have fun at breakfast this morning? Without me? Yeah? We did, especially because you weren't there. I will say that you came by my room right before this podcast. We met up like a half hour before, and I was just like, Andrew, I had a headache from not having coffee, and I was like, can you just bring me a coffee please. I'm I'm still spray tanting myself, which by the way, it's it's all I feel. I'm so scared that I'm gonna be like dotted with white dots because of this. You look like a spotted pig, like like one of the little tiny teacup pigs that are bred, uh you know, that are starved to death so that they're sold in their cuter you look. Um. Yeah, I was spray tanting myself waiting for it to dry, which it doesn't in this humidity, so uh noted, and um, you brought me a coffee and it was guys. He goes. He brought it in and I was like, oh, thank you so much for the coffee, and I go, he goes. The setups actually pretty great. We missed you this morning, and I'm really excited about doing it, and I just go, wait, did you just say you missed me this morning? It was the most subtle little thing. It meant a lot. I go. I was gonna let it go because I go, I think he just tried to share a feeling and I don't want to like, like, you know, harp on it and it makes me uncomfortable to me. But I didn't miss you. I missed you, so don't act like you didn't miss me. This I did. I did because I thought we had to pay and then it was all inclusive and I was like, not that much though I thought I'd run your card a few times. You know, well, I what did you have fun with you? Yeah? We bought a football I just threw into the pool, which I didn't think about because I don't think I'm getting it back fucking nine thousand pactos or something. It's so expensive. Everything is so expensive. Here, what did you pays? Excuse me, I was giving it a female touch. They're little pass that we're skirt in. Um okay, So do do we have like any should we get to the news? Yeah? Thank you? Oh my god. I've been wanting to hear that from a drunk man for so long. That's the only time they say it to me too. When they're that guy looks like he wrote a four wheel area. Hell yeah, hell yeah. That guy fucking put the mountain dew into his penis. It's a bada hell yeah, I love you. I'll fucking chuck your dick. Bro. Yeah yeah. By the way, if you see Andrew walking around this resort at any time throughout the day, if you want to say, like Andrew, I love you, big fan, it will it will make It's like zoloft for him, Like he will be happy for like three months because of your compliment. And so, I don't think I'm above any of you, but I do want to say I do want to say, though, that the time between he started I love you Nikki and I love you Andrew was enough time for him to whisper to someone, who's the guy's name again, what's the what's the guy's name? Thank you? You love us? What's my last name? No? Great? What's my middle name? Not see that right? He said that, dude, I hailed it all right, let's get to the news. Tell me a news story. Because it was the perfect amount of time for him to be like, hurt whatever. Three other people don't know my name is probably the game where you go underwater and you try to have the person say something and scream it and see if you can hear it. That's probably what he did. You ever kiss your dad underwater? Wild things? You've seen the scene? We recreated it? Or show Girls? Remember, No, I never saw that's onto that. Recently, sex therapists say that holiday horny no is is a thing. Yeah, for sure, I mean that's obvious. I don't holidays evoke feelings of closeness and connection. Also, when people are on vacation, they are hornier because you've taken away the stress of the daily grind. Yes, and it just doesn't feel like this is the real world, you know, like it just it honestly does feel like nothing we do here is going to be accounted for outside of these walls. Can't get pregnant in Mexico? I heard, Yes, I read that because the water source makes you infertile, the cartel will kill your baby. Actually, um yeah, I mean, like, are you feeling do you miss Brenna? Are you feeling horny here? Yeah? I miss Brenna of course. But I mean there's a girl did off? Have you jerked off here yet? No? I'm saving my stock for two weeks for my lady present. You know, maybe a girl likes more than a ton of come right, all right? Yeah, I was just about to ask how many people have come so far since they've been here, But I just feel like, really, you're here together right now. Oh, he's up against the Jets, Andrew you know all about that. Andrew uh famously used to as a child, tell tell them about you and the Jets, not the team. My parents had a hot tub. Not to brag about our money, but I would suck the Jets before I could actually ejaculate. So I just do it till anyhow. I would do it every night. I bring a book in to trick them and uh, what do you mean? Like I would be in there for like an hour and I'd be like, Oh, I'm reading Odysseus or whatever, and my mom's like, oh, we got a little hemming way And then I got an f in English and she's like, oh, I think he's fucking jet. You know. Yeah, do you ever like go in a hot tub and just have kind of a flashback or like an impulse to just turn around and like just get up on it and and grind. I'd be lying if I said no, Yeah, I mean the bathtub outside on our balcony is just every night. Last night he was like, hey, bitch, come on over there. Yeah. I was whispering to you, don't be scared. Yeah, all right, next story, all right, this one's fun. The top five most commonly googled STDs in the US R What do we think? Oh number? Can I guess? Can I guess? This guy yelled at like he typed it in the world. Yeah, it's gotta be herpies because that's the one that's like you see something right away and you go, what is it? And you look it up and it's I've done it. I've started herpes so many times I type in H and it just fills it in for me and so and then you look at the sores and then you compare it to what you have, and you go and you find one that does convince I don't. I don't have herpes. I I don't judge anyone who does. I just have. Um. It's always razor burn that keeps coming back every few months when I get stressed and all my boyfriend's get it. But it's definitely razor burn. Don't worry about it. And I got on my mouth. So it's just weird. No, I don't. I don't have herpes yet, but I feel like it's it's number one. No way, clam media is number one. I think people are just trying to figure out a spell it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, herpes, gnarrhea. What is ganaria? Again? Is that? Is that general warks? I have no idea. Um, don't ask them. The clap, the class media, then the snap what's oh? And then I wait, what about crabs? Are crabs still around? I I know that pubic hair is it? It's their habitat? And I know deforestation has been plaguing the crab community for the past couple of decades. At least they have. You know, it's a real problem. That's crabs. Like what is crabs short for something? Oh? No, No, crabs and scabies are different. It's scabies, dude, you've had it before. I've had scabies. I haven't had crabs. I got scabies from a Turkish bath that you were up against the Jets. Wait what that seems like the story you tell your girlfriend who you also gave scabies two? I was a Turkish bath, babe, Yeah, yeah it was. It was a towel. H Syphilis is number five don't skip over to scab. Your scab story, Well, I had it for a couple of months and I was really scared and um, and then I went to a doctor and the nurse was too good looking to show my balls too, so I just said I had a little rash on my hands and uh she said it was psoriasis, and I was like, that's worse. And then so you guys to my buddy that's a doctor, and I go, what is this and he goes, it's a lot of hair and I was like, well, what else? And he's like and so you got like you suffered for months with scabies because there was a hot nurse. Like girls should not. Women should be aware that if there, if any woman being a nurse should be aware that when you go into a room with a guy that that he with that a guy that looks a little nervous, he might change his story based on how like he might get. You know, like, would you do that now even though you have a girlfriend. No, I think I'd be all right. I mean she was just you know, she was wearing you know, a little a little top. Wasn't Halloween, and she was dressed as that might have not have been a nurse. I don't know what it was. It was a woman in an alley smoking craft and I was like, when you look at my real quick? Um, but yeah, that's that's your your friends. We learned a lot. We really did learn a lot. We have a segment on the show we like to do called Top One Bottom One. It's where we say our least favorite and most favorite stories of a certain subject. The category today is vacation moments, because this is a vacation for many of you. Yes, so I'm at a Kenny Chesney concert. No ship is the problem? Hell yeah, yeah, roll have you been doing Kenny n I'd love to go. I know I would say it sounds fun. Uh So tell me what is your least favorite, your bottom vacation memory? Probably I talked about it this week. But having an overdose in New Orleans, Oh my god, too much cocaine. Was it really an overdose? It was a mild overdose. The doctor said I was a pussy. The medical No, I had a heart murmur, which is just a lazy heart. At that murmur? Did you have a murmur? A little bitch? I was like, dude, And then I was in the heart word for three days and I lost seven thousand dollars. You know, wow, Jesus Christ, I didn't lose it. But and then yeah, so that was that, Like you were gambling, what's your weird story? Um, my worst one is probably when well it's also my best and worst. I'll crank out two in one. My best one was I got my first kiss on spring my first consensual kiss. Let maybe totally honest about that. The first one was definitely a rape that I didn't enjoy, but you can be rape kiss. I didn't know if anyone knows that, but I definitely was. And it was like a humble brag, I know, just kidding, just kidding. Do you know there's different kinds of rape? Besides? I don't mean to bring up rate, but like I guess I do. Um, but there's a aatan's rape, which I've never heard of. I was visiting a college campus and I just picked up the newspaper to go, oh, what's you know a topical thing I could talk about on stage? And um, I wasn't visiting. I was actually, you know, performing at it. And so it said acquaintance rape on campus, and I was like, I love the idea that they have to. A girl goes to the police and it's like I was raped, and they're like, who did it? Like, were you attacked and pulled in some bushes by a stranger? No, like I I like I knew him. Oh were you guys dating? That would be no, it wasn't a date. Well, like I knew him, but like we're like he was like a friend of a friend. Like, oh, acquaintance, rape, Okay, Like so you guys just like nod to each other on campus. Why do we have to even qualify it? Like you know what I'm saying. I had no idea about this until just now. But ye, so anyway, I wash. My first kiss was just you know, he just no, he was a friend and h but it was a kiss. And then the second one, my second kiss, which was official, was in Fort Myers. And the beauty of that was was my group of friends in high school were not like the popular girls. We were just like somewhere in between. But I had never kissed a boy. Was sixteen or seventeen at this point, and all my friends had like blown people and like gone down on each other and I had not, and I had not done anything, and I was so nervous. I was like, I'm gonna be bad at it, and um, and I really wanted my I I have lofty goals. I'm like, it has to be someone pretty impressive, and I couldn't get anyone at my high school impressive enough because I wasn't cool enough and there was popular girls that they could kiss. So we go down to Fort Myers, Florida, and it's there's like no one there that we're really into. Me and my girlfriends are on the beach laying out, and then all of a sudden, the group of popular guys from our high school are also vacationing in Fort Myers, Florida, but the girls are the popular girls are not there. And these guys are striking out in Fort Myers and they see us and they know that they have value to us, and they're like, I guess this is good enough. And they're like, let's hang ladies, and I'm like, yes, we get hang with the most popular boys. So then we go that night. Are you booing? Okay? I know this is so stupid. What Buddha popular boys. They're they're all degenerates now, not doing very well working for their dad's construction companies. So it's like who won in the end, but yeah, does blue collar workers computer on. I've been told to stop talking about them because I've been contacted by like friends of theirs being like stop like instagram, liv ing the the yearbook and saying like this guy was hot in high school. And I'm like, why why they go because he's just going through a really hard time and you're like bringing up some memories. I'm like that he was cool in high school, like tough. So I won't drop names, but uh, that's what I usually drop a name. But I'm really actually scared of these people because I live now in this city where they are. So we go to this guy's like Grandma's house and it's the popular boys and it's the first time I'm like drinking in my whole life, and I'm feeling a little drunken. I know that I'm gonna like kiss a boy that night, and I'm like so excited, and I have my eyes set on this guy, Matt. You know, I'm like he I've always liked him. I've I've always had a thing for this guy. And we're and then there's other guys that I'm just like I can't even get them right now, like they're two, that's too lofty of goals. I'll take this Matt guy, who I already liked. So we're in this silarium room alone and we are literally like, I'm not even kidding you. It was out of like a movie. I'm about to get my first We're we're this close to kissing. And my friend Taylor, who was on the water polo team, and she was a year older and she was on the water polo team with all these popular boys. She was kind of like cool with them and just like you know, wasn't as intimidated. She burst in the room and all my friends are outside the room like being like nicky kiss and we're just kind of laughing and I'm leaning in too kiss this guy for the first time. And we get this close, and she burst in the room and she's like Nikki. She goes, sorry, sorry, Matt, you've been trumped. And it was the first time I heard the word trumped in my life. And I know, but it's pertinent to give him a chance, jeez. She goes, she goes, he'll be back, watch your words. So she goes, sorry, Matt, you've been trumped, and she's pulling this guy, Larry, who he doesn't care if I say his name. He's pulling this guy. She's pulling this guy Larry, and um, she goes and she mouths me, he wants to make out with you, and I go, so sorry, Matt, We'll we'll see you next time. And Matt literally went from this to like having to leave. And then Larry popped down and I was like, because Larry was legit, like he was it, he was the he was the hottest guy in our school. So then because of I'm in the situation where there's no other women and like I'm as only choice, he sits to which is how I got I mean, I've used these tactics to get hot guys my whole life. The rest. Yeah, this was this was honestly the last resort on the way from the airport. So we so he sits down and I'm like, oh my god, I'm about to kiss Larry, like this is a dream come true. And I was so awkward, didn't know what to do, and he did this really dumb move where he was like we were both like drinking wine and he like spilled it on my boobs. I just did it to myself, but I didn't mean to. I didn't know that. That That didn't mean spilled it. And then he remember that made me uncomfortable. I missed you at breakfast. Um so so I uh so he spilled it on me, and he goes, oh, no, what are we gonna do to clean that up? I was like looking for a towel. I was like, I don't know, I mean, you did it to me. He spilled red wine on my j cruise swimsuit I bought specifically for that trip. Fuck. And I'm like looking around like kind of for Seltzer, being like I know Seltzer works, but this was in the like the early two thousands before Seltzer was like everywhere you know, and like looking for a Lacroix, but there's none to be found. And then he goes, we just like let me get it, and he just starts sucking my boob to like clean it up like abistle shot back. And so before my first kiss, I got my first boob suck. Do you think, thanks Joe? And then let me say why this was the worst. So that was the best because I was like I got to kiss the hottest guy in our grade. This is such like this is I can't wait to bring this back with me. This will be awesome and bragging rights exactly. But I wasn't that type of girl that was like, I mean, I just wanted to tell my friends, you know, like my other friends that weren't on the trip. So then I get back to school and I'm feeling really tired and like getting a sore throat. I got fucking mono from my first kiss that lasted my for three months. And the only and by the way, I did not know this at the time, the only people that had mono in the school and by the way, he he didn't tell anyone. I was like a secret, which is always embarrassing when you're that girl that's like, why don't you tell anyone? They're like, just because I'm respecting your privacy. It's not because I'm embarrassed. And he didn't tell anyone because it was me, him and his girlfriend, which I didn't had a girlfriend, and then and we and because we all had mono, it was like a thing in school, so everyone ended up knowing and that was my worst thing. What was your worst What was your best vacation moment? Andrew Colin listening to that story that would have worked better with worse And how dare you? I mean, you have them, but and that's why you're wearing a shirt, and you will be the rest of this trap. Don't pretend like this is just what shirt. Okay, I'll take my shirt it off, I promise, not right now, not right now, not in brend of people, when I'm alone in my room under the bed, but I'll take it off. No, no, no, when I'm alone, when I'm alone, when I'm alone, all right, all right, stopping. Oh my god. I really apologize to everyone listening to this at their aunt's house on Thanksgiving and listening to people shreaking, just being like I wish I was that fun, but there's no what's the best vacation? Uh, probably fingering a girl. That's about it. That was the whole story. Yeah, did you spill red wine and we're like, let me get it up. Yeah, it was a white wine. I kept doing classy you know. No, it's on a cruise and I fingered her and then I got an age test when I was a virgin because I bit my nails after I fingered her. Yeah, that's a true story. It's sad. Oh my god. Yeah, I truly that was your best one? Did you like get to brag? Were your brothers on that trip to like? Was your whole family? Was there my family? Were you so excited? It was my first anty ovation? It was amazing? Ye are stop? This will be unlistenable if all we have is screams. But I do appreciate the enthusiasm. So was that really your stop it? Take off your shirt, Andrews, take your shirt off. You take your shirt off. I don't have anything under this. Stop it. I feel like this isn't consensual. Y'all are acquaintance raping for me right now? I don't like it. It feels a lot like acquainting raping. You know what I wanted to do. I wanted to when I looked out across the pool, and I don't want this to be chaotic. I want you and you all have probably looked at each other, observed each other. I want this to be as organized as possible without as much chaos. I want who here has the worst tattoo? Several people to line up? Yeah, well, y'all, line up, come here, get out of the pool. That's a great idea. If you have a shitty tattoo, line is. I mean this, this could go on all night from what I've seen, but look at that guy that just walked over. It was like, I gotta do it. If anyone has a good tattoo, here, okay, honey, oh my god, is that a port wine stain or atchoo? You have a crab? Wait? Come here, here, get in the camera with me. Okay, So if you guys could just stop screaming for a second, just so I can hear her. Okay, So what is your name? You're only okay, so you sound to be in the same state that the tattoo artists who gave you these wise and okay, tell me which one of these tattoos is your most embarrassed? You got your what my ex is tattoo covered up? You got your ex's tattoo covered up? Now eat his name? Wait? What what does what does that mean? Your ex's tattoo like a tattoo? You got four your X or a tattoo that your ex gave you know, he's ex's best dad gave it to me, your ex's best dad? He hasn't out of all his dad's the best one. Okay, show me what what it is. So it says on the wings of a dream and there's a feather that looks like a house centipede. And wait, let's le let's get into the camera so the people on YouTube can see. Can you just turn there's the camera right there. Okay, what was it before? What was it before? Honey? Please Anthony? Oh it was Oh it's said Anthony before, and now it says on the wings of a dream. Um. I go back to Anthony, literally, go back to him. Thank you so much, Emily, that was great. All right, okay, Andrew, who do you have over there? You can go back in the pool suite. Thank you so much. Thank you girl. Oh my god, the line is out of the resort, you guys for bad tattoos into the ocean. All right, we're gonna do here. What's your name? Okay, Emma, Emma giving him a round of applause. We can't hear her. Okay, Emma, what um what's your tattoo? And why is it terrible? Is it your best? Dads? Dude, I only have one tattoo and it's and it's bad. I never wanted a tattoo. Okay, why did you get one? I was in Alaska, Alaska, Alaska. The old. I was. I'm on a glacier. Obviously, the tattoo parlors there are not the best. Yeah, so where where is it? Yes? Oh, it's on your kind of it's cute. I like it. Okay, it's a mountain range. You guys, this looks like she was in the Nixium Call. To be honest with you, this looks like the initials two people who were Wait, let's just see it really quick. It's a mountain range with the food. I think that's adorable. The lines are way too long. The lines are too long. It's ugly. It's not ugly. I actually really like it. Your friend got the moon and you have the sun. Are you still friends with that girl? Yeah? Of course, yeah we'll think good. I don't regret that for you. Yea, yeah, great job. Okay, Hi, honey, I got this tattoo with my three best friends. Yes, most of you will know this as Mario super Blast on Mario Race cart. Okay, why did you choose that? Oh, it's like it's three like mountain range kind of triangles. Uh, you know, triangles without the bottom? Okay, why did you get that? So that's the thing you go over and it goes boom and it makes you exactly you're gonna get a super blast from this tattoo on Mario Kart. Yep, yep, yep yepp. I got this with my best friends. She put did major air quotes on that, you guys, major air quote. How did they betray you? First of all, this first bitch like just ditch me. Okay what what did she look? She was just like she just like peaced out for no reason. For real. I'm so sorry. You seem awesome. Yeah, it's a great tattoo. Yeah, flatter all right, thank you so much. Girl. What's your name? My name is Dominique. Dominique over here and what domin did you have that you did you feel? Actually? I thought that maybe i'd feel liberated, like amongst other people that had bad tattoos. But these haven't been bad. I'm just like the air tattoos are not that bad at I agree. Mine is so horrible. Are you we go? Are you ready? Yes? I'm so excited. Okay what do we got? Oh? Boy? That is tragic? Okay, what we're looking at? For those in the back, it is a cartoon whale that is outlined with um black and then it's colored in with like an orange. But it looks like just like a period stain. Um, it's not good. What what's the origin of it? So it's it's fucking whaley bad. It's like what it is? What? What's the meaning behind it? Too much? No, no, no, listen. Everybody now, of course, wants to think that it's like a um, what do you call it? Like a vineyard vines? Like it does look like vineyard vine. I'm not white enough for that, so I promise you. And it's right next to where your vines are coming down a little. Oh, I know, I know. I have never wanted to not save the whales so much. After seeing that tattoo, I think we should. We should whale them all. I was thinking of how you kill a whale, and it's just called whaling. Definitely not as firm whale. I'll tell you that whale bad decisions, wali bad. Thank you so much, girl. That was truly terrible. Okay, what do you got what's your name? Megan? Okay, Megan? Megan is showing us a tattoo on her thigh. What do we got here? I have three? Oh, you have three? I was sorry that one's great. I didn't mean to say that one was the bad one. That one's awesome. That just looks like a bruise, like a three week old bruise. Oh, you have a hot dog on your hip? But why that? Um? I went on a road trip with my cousin across America find America's best hot dog. So I decided to get a hot tattoo. I kind of like that. Is that? And you have a chicken nugget on your heel that has a face on it. It It looks like meat? What from? Who's doing these tattoos? What's it called? You know? Aquitine? Thank you? And it looks like meat? One? Um, did you find the best hot dog? Um? No, we didn't, So I'm glad you commemorated that trip with that. Did your cousin die or something like? Is there some reason that you got that? No? I just like getting stupid tattoos because I think it's funny. What's the next one? I have doing a a live podcast on Nextool. Wait, you got a bottom of your foot? I wanted to do the bottom of your foot, But you have a hairy toe that does not look like a hairy toe. That looks like Um. When I went to rehab one of my friends, and there was a tattoo artist rehab bottom of I love it. Congrats on being are you still recovered? You're literally the only sober person who's been up here today. So thank you for that. Literally my favorite Oh my god, thank you. So don't please don't say that into the she's literally my favorite comedian. Oh my god, that's so cool. Thank you, babe, You're so sweet. I love that. Wait, did the bottom of your foot really hurt? It was awful? Okay, here we go, Come on, Andrew, are you still know he's not? You know? All right? Okay? What's her name? Maria? Mariah has fuck off written inside her lip? Bottom lip? I love how you have, Like that's amazing. I like that you have very church energy. And then it's like, yeah, you have like soaking energy, and it's like, fuck you bitch. I hate my priest. I was eighteen. It was a super trend. It was supposed to disappear over time and it was between this or coume dumpsters. Wait, your lips were too small for cume dumps. I love it. How when do you break that out? Like? Did you when do you surprise people with that? Is there? Ever been a good time where you're like, oh my gosh, this is the perfect opportunity for me to pull down my lip. Right now, right now, this is the best time ever, because you were the one that like you were over there and I was kind of making eye contact with you through the whole thing, because you've just been like very encouraging, like stage mom, like smile, Nikki, sit up straight, You've got this. This isn't as bad as it feels. And then when you when I asked about the bat tattoos, I just saw you just kind of go is my time I have been called? Like it was just I'm so glad you got this time to shine. Oh good, thank you off just getting just getting it's a joke, like I don't know I left in the show, but we have a long line and I want to get to all these people. Okay, my name is Ali. I'm from Ohio. Okay, Ali, what's your bad tattoo? So my bad tattoo is literally the word Ohio. It's the Ohio and my parents I thought they were going to be really excited about it, and I was like, guys, it's my birthday. I got this tattoo, Like I love going to school here, and they're like, sweetie, that's fucking stupid. Should I get My mom was like, I'm gonna get Illinois and my dad was like I'm gonna get Indiana. I'm gonna get Michigan. They're like making fun of the surrounding escape. Um I like it. It's a I don't hate it, and and I kind of like Ohio was always like oh Hi, Like you can just think of it as like whenever someone sees that you can I don't know what you can do with that. But um, so you're still from Ohio. Do you feel like you can't leave now because of that tattoo? Actually so, I've lived in Texas and Colorado since then, So it makes it even worse because people are like, why the fun do you have that on you? And I also got it on the day of my birthday party and I was wearing a dress and a thong and I didn't realize where it was and everyone's like, I want to see your tattoo. So I showed everyone at my party in my ass, including my brother and all of his friends. Very Ohio of you. Okay, thank you so much. Ah, you can go where ever you want. Hunt just don't hurt yourself or just maybe just fall direct me on that tattoo and have to have it. Like, I don't know how much time we have lived, but I want to keep going. Let's get as many as we can. We have five minutes. Okay, great, because this is the guy. I want to get to it. Just okay, but I can't wait. Let me talk about this girl. She's the friends um like the door thing, the friends door hanger. Oh my god, that's good. I like that. Oh my gosh. She's got a lot of great ones. Okay, what is your worst one? Marilyn Monroe signature? Oh god, what an icon? When did you do that? How old are you? I was twenty? And do you just like relate to her that you're both going to die of like overdose on pills? Yeah, just like a spici is over drunken overdose. And then also I have um oh you were bleeding bleeding, but also matching tattoo for my eighteen year old boyfriend. It's a Chinese symbol. What is that form? Symbol for love? Japanese symbol for love? And are you still with him? Uh? No? Does he still have it? You think? Uh? He still has it. Yeah, he still has it well, and that's not so bad. What did you say on your arm? There? What's the other one? Love her, believe her wild? Like love her but leave her wild? What is that from? Um? Oh, I guess it's just like from like my friend's handwriting. Yeah, she at it. Oh that's good handwriting. She should have written Marilyn mon Rose signature too, Thank you so much. Those are terrible. All right, I'm kidding. All right, what's her name? I'm Jesse, Hi Jess. You're a first dude? What is um? I guess guys don't admit they have bad tattoos as much as women. We've got a couple of guys in the line. Um, you have so many tattoos you're nearly like, yeah, mostly tattoos. What which one is your one you regret the most? All of them? Really? All of them? Are you pulling ap Pete Davidson and want to get them removed? No, I'm not as bad as okay, yeah, yeah, he's only fucking Kim Kardashian. Now it's uh, it's what a terrible life. Okay, So tell me what are you going to your what's your worst one? Well, let's where do I start. Let's see, this is a low shelf vodka simbol, covering up a burning church, covering up a burning church. Hurt you? Who hurt you? I was drinking the low shelf vodka. You have a vodka able on your arm. They didn't pay you anything, there was no endorsement deal. Okay. What's on your neck? That's a phoenix feather in a bottle? Why do you have a phoenix feather in a bottle? Uh? And and there's water in the bottle? What? Why is what's the symbolism of that? It's a magic potion brings you back to life, says I'll never have enough money to buy a house. Maybe not you. A Pacman on your foot? That one's the coolest I would say I got. I got it as payment for driving a bus boy home from the Olive garden. Okay, it's on me, dude, I don't need anything. Maybe take an Andy's mint or something that he had in his glove combarbment. Okay, thank you so much. Those were terrible. Good luck to you. I got a Pacman tattoo because I drove a bus boy home from olive Garden. Yes, I mean I think, I think I would have went with the bread sticks. All right, what do we got? Right? What's next? So I got all right, I got a lotus flower. But it kind of looks like a ball sack. Why that looks exactly like a ball sack. I'm gonna take a picture of it so we can insert it. And what is that? It's like a little squirren them everyone that it showed us our tattoos. We need to get a photo of it. Okay, that's a ball sack for sure. And it's this two. Did you run a marathon? I did? Okay one time. Did you just put that on there to make up for the fact that it looked like a ball sack and just changed the tattoo? And I was eighteen? I was like, well, this was significant in my life? Was Twicey's going to just the age at which you knew you were going to regret doing that? That shows a prediction came away before them. Um, the rest of your tattoos are pretty good though. From there when you I just want to know, though, you guys, this looks so much like a ball sack, it's insane. When you were getting it done, was it was it a lot like getting a haircut at like great clips or supers? Where you go? I love it? Like, did you have to lie to the tattoo artists? Did you know right away? When did you know it was a ball sack? Two years later somebody pointed it out, and now you just can't see it, and I'm like, it's fun now, It's so no one was honest with you enough about it at first because everyone thought it everyone did. People want to see your ball? Want everyone wants to see it. It's hard to see. You gotta we'll post a picture of it. They're tiny little balls. The girl who's up next? Okay? Are you the one with the friends door thing? Definitely have no friends. We have no friends. Okay, what do you have? So we cannot see it? But I have shooting stars on my boobs. I was sixteen on acid and I thought it was a great idea to get tattooeds. Wait, how did you get tattoos at sixteen? Did you have You didn't have parents that were very involved in your life either. But my twelve year old tattoo, which is a lizard, my dad was to tell me, just like this, let me see the lizard. Andrews scared of lizards and this might make it worse. Oh, it looks like the number eight. Yeah, okay, Um, what was I gonna ask you? Oh? You also have had I can see you've had your ears gauged before, and you've taken them out so they look like a little bit baggy. So I've always wondered why people do that, not knowing like there's gonna be a time when you take it out and it's gonna be this like kind of gaping hole. How do you feel about those? You're trying to figure out what your personality is. Yes, you didn't have an identity, and now your identity is what I still don't know. I still don't know. Well, it's you guys just looking for an identity. If anyone wants to give her one. I like dogs. She likes dogs. That makes her unique? Who doesn't? Who hate? Everyone hates dogs? That's truly different. Okay, cool girl, Thank you so much. I like that you have perspective on your tattoos. That's that's actually an identity and a fantastic ass as you walk away. I mean, that is award winning Jesus Christ. Hello, I'm Dino from Seattle. From Seattle, I've never seen a dino look more like a dino? Whatever? Can't see this? Okay, yeah he's this guy's grandpa owned a pizza shop, guaranteed. Okay, alright, where's your tattoo? And what is it? It's on my right butt cheek. It's from my first job at a taco shop called Taco Time in Seattle. And oh my god, you guys, it is a faded cactus, green cactus with sunglasses on. Yeah, I found. Do you warn women about that before they get intimate with you, much like you would be disclosing herpes or something. Do you go and wait a second before we get to know each other intimately. I need to tell you something before I go down on you. You have to know that I have a cactus tattoo on my ass. Yes. Do you regret it? No, not at all. It's kind of funny, and it's buried beneath so much hair it's barely perceptible. I still eat there. I still love it. So I thought you were talking about your ass. I was like, I wouldn't eat there. Uh well, thank you so much from Seattle. Appreciate it. Yes, what an ass? What an ass? Oh my god? This is like so fun should do a whole podcast about this. I mean, I mean, I guess that's what this is turning into. Hello, Hello Rachel from Ohio. Rachel, Ohio? Do you have Ohio tattooed on you? I don't, but um, the tattoo itself isn't bad, but the content behind it is. Oh, this is deep. Yeah, it is the guy I thought was my dad I had tattooed on my back because he passed away. Turns out he's not my dad. My are not the father. Everyone stand up, you are not the father she has in loving memory. And then Kenneth l uh full of shitto. Your your back looks like the back of a car that is of a certain ethnicity that drives around with people's Uh you know when? How did you find out? So? Probably about three years ago. My husband's aunt actually did the um genie uh test, Yes, thank you. Turns out he's not my dad. So who is your dad? Who? Yeah? Well I just met him. So oh my god. I feel like that's an identity if you want, if someone wants that one. Um, that's so, what do you tell? What do you do about it? Now? Are you gonna get it removed? Or it's just a good story. I guess I think that's actually better than just my dad died. It is just a good story. And were you so excited like when, because it's sad when your dad dies, but then when you find out he wasn't your dad, or you're just like all right, well, I guess I'm not that sad anymore. Basically, was he a good guy? I guess so. Well, you you put his you put his name on your back. Yeah, why did you do that if you didn't know him? Well, so he passed away before I was born. My mom was pregnant with me before I was born. Oh, you cute thing. Oh my god, I love it. I also thought that you everyone here has braces. I'm not joking. You either in visiline or braces. This is how are adult braces going for you? And you're the real ones? You have clear wire six months away from getting a mop. So girl, Oh my god, I'm a little You're so cute of him. Will you find your real dad's Oh you already found him? Yes, I hope he doesn't. He never dies, even though you know we're all mortal. Okay, thank you, We are going to do two more. And then were sorry I implore you if tonight, if you want to come to my show at eight o'clock, please come to that. Also, I'll be doing like if you If you're I know you're gonna be all drunk and very tired at the end of the day. But um, at ten o'clock. At ten o'clock, uh, there ish a goddamn comedy jam on the beach and on the stage there if it's not raining, and that is such a fun show. You can just dance and like we're gonna watch us sing and I'm gonna be singing a Taylor Swift songs. So I hope you can come to that, which is definitely the tattoo I would get, Hey girl, what what um? What tattoo do you hate about that you have? I don't think anyone can beat that's not my dad tattoo. Honestly, that's has to be the worst tattoo in history. But I had someone try out a color on me at one point, and so they just did whatever they wanted and they did this. But I also could say that I also have a butt or fly you have on your ass. I love it. That's cute and that's fun. But why would you let someone try out a color on you? Why not? I think you also had an absent father. If I'm just kidding, you may not. Actually no, he's very much around. But his name is Lanman. That's oh yeah, that's I'd rather have a cactus with sunglasses than that name on me. Okay, uh, well, thank you so much. That's yeah, that's actually terrible. By girl. You have a little sun tanlition on your ass crack, But it's all good. You got a great butt. Hello, what's up? Why do you have a nose mask? What's your name? Sir? J C? J j C from Canada? J C from Canada? Oh my god, everyone loves jac from Canada. First of all, how long have you been in can you are so red? How long have you been here? No, dude, this is a Canadian tan. But my bad, but my bed I apologize. I I didn't realize any all right, Okay, what's your terrible tattoo? Okay, so Nikki, we that's my daughter there. We once had a dog that we love this dog so much, and the dog passed away a few years ago, and I never wanted to forget the dogs, so I wanted to get a tattoo to help me remember the dog for the rest of my life, because your memory is definitely not gonna stick around that long. So so I go to the place I don't know what I want, so I get a dog bone, because you know, dogs your dog bones, and I get a dogbone tattooed on my legs. So a few weeks later, I'm in the hockey dressing room and the guy says to me, j C. Why do you have a cock and balls tattooed on your leg? You guys, it is a dog bone, but if you cover one of the ends, it looks like a penis. Oh my god, and your dog used to lick yours, so that does remind you of him. Anyway, I missed that part, was there ball looking there? Don't worry about it, It's just true. Um, thank you so much. Thank you. You put a little maple syrup on there. The dog all right? We can't get to you guys. Thank you. I'm want to see your terrible do this later on. UM, thank you so much to everyone who is you. Final thought, this was incredible. It was as as bad and good as I thought it would be. You guys are chaotic. Thank you so much for joining us. Have so much fun on this vacation. You deserve it and don't be caught and jack off on their kits. Thank you, I'm y out, I got spray tan and chair. I apologize to the resort for the spray tan I'm leaving behind.